I'm Just F*cking With You (2019) - full transcript
A pair of siblings suffer through a night of frightening practical jokes during their stay at a secluded motel.
♪
(eerie music)
♪
(funky electronic music)
♪
(music distorting)
♪
CHESTER:
I'm just fucking with you.
(hip-hop music, vocalizing)
♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪
MALE VOCALIST:
♪ Actually bought a hatchet ♪
♪ I don't sleep
with a ratchet ♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪ I move drugs in batches ♪
♪ Hopped off that
like hatchet ♪
♪ The bitch snatched it ♪
♪ Met her sister,
smashed it ♪
♪ Fucked her once
then dashed it ♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪
♪ I'll take that machete
to a mosh pit ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck ♪
♪ I don't give a damn ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck about
you pussy motherfuckers ♪
♪ I'm gonna hit you
with a stick like that ♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪
(cell phone rings)
LARRY:
Hey.
RACHEL:
Larry, you coming or what?
LARRY:
I already made the reservation.
RACHEL: Well, I reserve the
right to tell you to cancel it.
- Stop.
RACHEL: Mom and Dad
are here at the hotel.
Everyone knows
how hard this is for you,
but we just want
to see you.
- Look, you're the only one
that I want to see.
RACHEL:
Holy fucking shit.
Get on Cindy's
Twitter feed now.
Oh my God.
(Rachel laughs)
Some genius just
totally flamed her.
Who the hell is
ProgrammingFlaw, anyway?
- What?
RACHEL: Someone needs
to give that guy a medal.
Wow.
Okay, so, you're
coming, right?
- I just--
I just don't want to.
RACHEL: Well, then
I'll come to you then.
Let me guess:
You're staying in some
flamboyantly vile place, right?
Tell me.
Come on, tell me.
- Ugh, fine.
I'm staying at the...
Pink Motel and Lounge.
RACHEL:
Ooh, sounds so very.
I'll leave here
in a minute.
Ciao, Lar-Bear.
♪
(car audio shuts off)
(distant dogs barking)
(sighs)
(funky electronic music)
♪
(neon buzzing)
♪
LARRY:
Hello?
♪
(bell dings)
Hello?
(muffled laughter)
[indiscernible speech]
CHESTER:
Oh, man, I had you going there.
[indiscernible conversation]
GERRY:
Yeah, man.
You got me good,
that was good.
(chortling)
(clears throat)
(eerie music)
♪
- You got a problem?
♪
- What? No.
♪
- Hmm.
♪
CHESTER:
Yeah, you do.
X-Y-Z.
♪
(chortling)
- I can't believe you.
- I'm just fucking with you!
April Fools, big boy!
GERRY:
That was a good one.
(cap snaps, beer foams)
(laughter)
CHESTER:
Let's try that again.
(cap snaps)
How can I help you?
- I'm just looking
to check in.
Are you the owner?
- Nope.
I'm Chester.
- Uh, Larry.
GERRY:
Oh, hey, I'm Gerald.
You can call me Gerry,
Larry, pleasure's all mine.
- Yeah, um...
(chuckling)
(Chester, Gerry hem and haw)
So can I just
check in with you, or?
- Yeah, I'm pulling
double duty tonight.
It's off-season,
so the owners are
cutting costs.
Can't stay mad at them.
They're real sweet
old-timers.
- Huh, I hear you.
Well, I've had
kind of a long drive, so
just love to get to bed.
CHESTER:
Oh yeah, of course.
Room's 75 bucks.
No tax if you've
got it in cash.
- Great, great, yeah.
- It's an insult
to leave a beverage
a man's given you.
CHESTER: Gerald... sorry.
LARRY: Here you go.
- It's common courtesies.
- I mean, I can have...
uh, sure.
GERRY:
Attaboy, attaboy.
- Thanks.
Okay, what are
we drinking to?
- To the beautiful
sound of laughter.
- Okay.
- Amen, to the beautiful
sound of laughter,
God bless you!
Mm.
Woo!
Now.
Mm.
Chester, it has been great
getting to know you.
Larry, nice.
CHESTER:
I know.
I'll wipe that up.
- Huh. Nice guy, huh?
- Aw, he's a teddy bear.
Great sense of humor.
- Oh, really?
- So what are you in for?
- Oh, just this family
wedding thing, it's...
- Oh. Those are the worst.
Maybe you'll get
your bone buried.
(chuckles)
- Oh, yeah.
- What's going on with you, man?
Sit down, come on.
Vent to Chester,
sit down.
- Uh, um... no,
it's, it's...
I don't know,
it should be fine, actually.
- Wah, wah! Wrong answer.
- No, I mean,
it's just...
there's a lot of people
I haven't seen in a while,
so that's...
- There's more
to it than that.
(soft music)
- Okay, okay, um...
I don't know,
I hate dancing,
first of all.
The food's always a letdown.
- The food, really? Come on.
- All right. I had
to shell out 75 bucks
for cookie sheets
because they were
the last thing on the registry.
- Aw, cookie sheets!
(Chester laughs)
Like Miss Piggy's
ever gonna bake
her own cookies, right?
- That's, I mean...
I'll tell you what, though.
I hope that she likes
those cookie sheets,
because, honestly,
they're gonna last
a lot longer
than her marriage.
(nervous chuckle)
- That sounds like a girl
that you wouldn't marry.
- Nah, marriage is
just not my thing.
- To lone wolves forever.
- Yeah!
Yeah.
So I really am just
really tuckered out,
so could I get the key?
- No sweat.
All I need is
your credit card
and we'll sign you right in.
(music stops abruptly)
- I already gave you
the 75 bucks for the room.
(chuckles)
- Oh, I get it.
Tit-for-tat, right?
No, I'm just gonna
need that credit card.
- Are you serious?
- Afraid so, man, I mean,
I ain't operating
a halfway house here.
- No, I'm not saying that,
it's just that
when I first came in,
you remember,
like, a minute ago,
you said if
I give you cash,
then you wouldn't
charge tax?
And then, I took
out the cash
and I handed you the cash.
I mean, that guy,
that biker guy, he--
- First of all,
his name is Gerald,
and second,
I never check in anyone
without proper paperwork
for this reason.
- I understand that,
but this is crazy.
I mean, what are you
trying to pull here?
(music turns tense)
♪
- Look, man.
You came in here,
we had some drinks,
we had some laughs,
and if you want
a room, that's great.
I'll just need a photo ID
and a credit card.
♪
- All right, well,
empty your pockets, then.
♪
- Excuse me?
- You empty your pockets
and you'll see
my money in there.
♪
You put the money--
this is ridiculous.
I mean, do I have
to call the cops?
- Go ahead, call the cops.
And while you're at it,
I got another idea.
Put out your goddamned hand,
because I got your
room key right here.
(Chester cackles)
(soft, eerie music)
Oh, man, you should
have seen yourself.
I'm just fucking
with you, man.
- Oh, okay.
- You should have
seen yourself,
"This is ridiculous!
Do I have to call the cops?"
- No, you know...
CHESTER: Sorry, man.
You want me to call
the bellman?
- No.
- Good, because
we don't have one.
LARRY:
Okay.
(trunk slams)
(car lock beeps)
(door creaks)
- [disappointedly]
Oh.
(funky electronic music)
♪
(eagle screeching)
(distant dogs bark)
[indiscernible rap lyrics]
♪
(tapping at keyboard)
(hip-hop music)
♪
(licks lips)
(exaggeratedly tender music)
♪
(distant party chatter)
♪
FAKE CINDY:
Take me, big boy.
♪
(music turns dark)
TELEVISION NEWS ANCHOR: Here's
our viewer video of the week,
straight from Marshall.
(phone chimes)
(soft music)
♪
NICOLE: That's right, Chuck,
it is still chaos out here
on South Citrus
at that multi-car pileup
that has caused gridlock
in both directions.
Details are still
trickling in,
but witnesses report
seeing the pickup truck
swerving erratically
before veering into
oncoming traffic,
causing this chain reaction
which left
one young woman dead
and several people
in critical condition,
including an infant.
The driver,
who witnesses say
was visibly intoxicated,
then fled the scene.
Sheriffs found
the suspect's vehicle,
a late-model white pickup,
a few blocks away from
the scene of the accident,
where it appears
as if the sus--
(call ringing)
- Oh, come on,
come on, come on.
VOICEMAIL RECORDING:
Hi, you've reached Rachel.
I'm away from
the phone right now,
but I'll call you back
if you leave a message.
LARRY:
Where the fuck are you?
(phone ringing)
- Hello, Pink Motel and Lounge.
- Hi, uh, Chester?
- The one and only.
- Oh, um, hey,
this is Larry in Room 6.
- Yeah, Larry,
I know who you are.
- Yeah, I was just wondering
if anyone checked in
since I got here.
My sister is supposed
to come meet me,
and, I don't know,
she's pretty late.
I don't know if she came in
or called, or anything.
CHESTER:
Oh, well, uh...
no one's come in but let me
check the messages.
- Maybe I missed a call.
- Great, thanks.
(eerie music)
♪
(music turns tender)
♪
- Hey, Larry,
I got some bad news.
♪
- Yeah?
CHESTER:
It's about your sister.
There was a message.
♪
I hate to be the one
to tell you this, man.
♪
She's not coming, Larry.
(music turns dark)
♪
She found
a big cock to suck on,
then she died
and went to heaven.
(chortles)
- What the fuck?
CHESTER: Come on, man,
it doesn't even make sense
that someone would call me
if something happened to her.
(chuckling)
- Jesus, Chester.
(eerie music)
CHESTER:
Just call if you need anything.
♪
- [annoyed]
Unbelievable.
♪
(coins dropping)
(button clicking)
♪
(crash)
GERRY: Let old Gerry
help you out, buddy.
(Gerry chuckles)
- Thank you.
GERRY: Did you just touch me,
peckerwood?
- No, no, I didn't, sir.
- Yeah, you did, didn't you,
little man?
(Gerry chuckles)
[angrily]
You know what this says?
- No, sir.
- Lone wolf!
(snaps like a dog)
Do you know
what it represents?
- No.
- It represents my armor.
And you don't touch
a road warrior's armor
unless you're ready to fight
or fuck.
You ready to fight?
- Uh, no.
- Hm.
- Oh, no.
- Oh. Well, cool.
Um... hm.
(chuckles)
You just narrowly avoided
an ass pounding, dude.
Room 7 if you feel lucky.
(relieved sigh)
(Gerry howls)
(funky electronic music)
♪
CHESTER: I'm just gonna
need that credit card.
"Do I have to call the cops?"
Big cock to suck on.
GERRY:
Lone wolf!
♪
(dramatic beat)
(eagle screeching)
(mellow music)
♪
(kissing sounds)
♪
- Ha, ha, ha!
Very funny, Chester.
♪
(dramatic beat)
♪
(music darkens)
♪
(demonic laughter)
(water running)
(door closes)
[whispering]
Rachel...
Hey, yeah, I'll be right there.
(banging at door)
Hello?
MAN: [speaking Spanish]
- No, I'm okay,
just come back later, please.
MAN: [speaking Spanish]
- No, I'm in the shower,
can you come back?
CHESTER:
Larry, you okay in there?
- Chester?
CHESTER:
Yeah, man, of course it's me.
Not all cleaning people
speak Spanish.
That's kind of
a racist assumption.
Listen, man, I was
hoping to get to you
before you used the bathroom.
It's got a tricky door
that's been giving guests
some problems, I meant
to tell you this before
but we were having
such a good time.
- Just stop joking around, man.
CHESTER: What? No, come on,
man, I like to joke around
but I wouldn't mess
with you like this.
- Just say that
my sister is, like,
sucking a big dick or whatever
and just let me out, man.
CHESTER: Larry, I swear
I could lose my job
over something like this, man.
Sherrie and Johnny
made it very clear
that I had to tell guests
in Room 6 about this door.
You got to help me out, man.
- Just let me out and then
I won't say anything, okay?
CHESTER: All right.
Geez, you're a good man.
Okay, I think--
I'm gonna need you
to put a lot of pressure
on the door.
- What?
That is the oldest trick
in the book, man,
I'm not gonna fall--
CHESTER: Okay, I understand
why you think that,
but I'm not fucking
with you, Larry.
Are you putting pressure?
- Yes, I'm doing it.
CHESTER: Okay, good, now you're
gonna need a lot of leverage,
okay, man?
You've got to really do it,
put all your weight
against it.
- I'm doing it!
CHESTER: All right, just do it
at the same time,
you ready, on three.
One--
(thud)
(Chester laughs)
(eagle screeching)
Oh, man, we did it, buddy.
LARRY:
What the hell is wrong with you?
CHESTER: Okay, okay,
I see you're not laughing.
But look at it
from my perspective.
I mean, yes, I was
holding the door shut.
Bad on me.
But honestly, I never
thought you'd fall for it.
And once we were
in the middle of it,
how could I stop?
(soft, tense music)
Come on, man,
it was just a joke.
♪
It's me, Chester.
- You are pathetic.
Do you know that?
Nobody likes people
like you, you just--
you never get the hint.
You just push
and you push
and you push
and you push.
Well, let me tell you something.
[angrily]
Nobody thinks that you're funny!
♪
Just...
♪
- You don't think
I'm funny, huh?
♪
Well, what do you
think is funny, then?
♪
Come on, tell me a joke.
- Chester, we're both tired,
it's been a long day, so can--
- Tell me a joke.
- Come on.
♪
What do you call a man
with no body and no nose?
- What?
- Nobody knows.
(laughing)
♪
- That's a great one, Larry.
I knew you had it in you, Larry.
That was great, man.
- Okay.
- All right.
Have a good night, man.
♪
(hip-hop music)
- Hey, Rachel, uh,
I don't know where you are,
but I've got
to leave this motel,
it's just weird here,
and I don't know why you're
not getting my messages,
but if you just
want to call me back,
maybe I'll just
wait in my car
down the road
and see if you come by or...
It's just so stupid.
Just please, please, I hope
you get these messages, and...
I'm kind of concerned
you were in a car crash.
I hope not.
♪
(car lock chirps)
♪
- Aww, shit.
I really let things
get out of control earlier.
I don't know
what came over me.
You're probably a good sport,
but you know,
you give a moose a cookie
and he asks for milk.
I was asking for milk.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, I can't stop you
from leaving, but
if you have to,
please accept my apology
and part as my friend.
(eerie music)
Okay, then.
♪
If Rachel shows up,
I'll tell her
you had to leave.
♪
Enjoy the wedding.
(Chester whistles)
♪
(sighs)
♪
(dramatic beat)
♪
- [whispering]
How did he know her name?
How did he know her name?
♪
(call rings)
OPERATOR:
911, what's your emergency?
- [stammering]
Hi.
I'm at the Pink Motel
and Lounge,
and there's the owner
or a guy who's--
who's looking after--
[from inside echo] I need
you to send someone out...
(neon buzzing)
(dramatic music)
MALE VOCALIST:
♪ Honey bee ♪
(police siren sounds)
♪ Guess there's nothing
else to know ♪
(police siren sounds)
♪ Except I love you so ♪
LARRY:
You know, so I'm in my car.
I had to check out because,
I mean, he's been messing
with me all night.
But he had said "Rachel,"
which is my sister,
and there's no way
that he knows what--
that's him.
That's-- that's him.
SHERIFF: Sir, can I talk
to you for a minute?
- Found out about my
kiddie porn, huh, sheriff?
Aw, just kidding.
They're all legal, barely.
- Don't even joke
about that, sir.
- How'd you know
her name, Chester?
- What are you talking about?
- Rachel.
I never told you her name,
so if she hasn't been here,
then how do you know it?
- Because you told me
her name, you dope.
I mean, did you seriously
call the cops because
you forgot you told me
your sister's name?
- I...
SHERIFF: All right.
I'll handle this, sir.
Where's Johnny and Sherrie?
CHESTER:
I'm just covering for them.
Step into my office.
- All right.
Let's just calm down here.
I want you over there.
You, other room.
You and me gonna talk, sir.
(tense music)
♪
[indiscernible conversation]
♪
(gasps)
CHESTER:
So what can I do?
I mean, I'm just
keeping the place open,
I can't be in charge
of the crazies.
SHERIFF: Right, well, listen,
it's a full moon out here
so you're not the only one
with crazy people tonight.
[indiscernible conversation]
(breathing heavily)
♪
Sir-- sir!
Please step away from there,
that's private property.
- Yeah, man,
that stuff's confidential.
LARRY: No-- look.
- I think.
- This. You see?
That's her name right there.
That's her name,
she's checked in.
Where is she, Chester,
what'd you do with her?
CHESTER:
Is something wrong, Larry?
- Huh, you see?
- Just relax and just--
wait, why you making
a fist here, Larry?
Oh! Oh, man!
Ow, God!
- What did you do?
- I didn't touch him!
- Sir, you all right?
LARRY:
I didn't do anything!
SHERIFF: Sir, are you all right?
- I didn't see that coming.
- Sir, are you okay?
What happened?
- Larry. He hit me.
- Did you seriously
just punch him?
- Where the fuck is--
- Not again.
(crashing thud)
- Sir, I'm gonna
have to take you in.
RACHEL:
Larry?
(Larry gasps, moans)
- Rachel?
- Larry! What the--
- Ma'am, stay there.
He's coming with me.
- Officer, let him go.
It's my fault.
(mellow music on radio)
- This man just assaulted you.
- Oh, I...
I pushed him too far,
I've been winding
him up all night.
Quite frankly,
I've been a dick and
I deserve a lot worse
than getting sucker-punched.
- So you're not
gonna press charges?
- If anyone's guilty
of anything here, it's me,
of bad taste and shenanigans.
- You gonna behave, son, hm?
- Yes.
RACHEL:
Thank God he's okay.
SHERIFF: Now, I don't know
what's going on with you two,
but if I got to come
back here tonight,
I'm taking you both in.
Ma'am.
- Uh, goodnight.
Is he giving you
a hard time?
- Yeah, he's been playing
these jokes on me all night.
- Larry, that was great,
that was great.
- What the hell
was that about, huh?
- Well, Larry was really
worried about you,
and then he freaked out
and called the sheriff,
and then I pulled
this great April Fools prank
and got him to leave.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You called the sheriff on him?
- Yes, I thought that
he did something to you.
- What do you mean,
did something to me?
I'm right here, okay?
LARRY: Okay, well,
he knew your name,
I didn't know that he--
it's just...
- Well, Larry,
it's an online reservation.
You know, I had to put my name
down to book the room.
- It prints out by itself.
I guess I should
do a better job
of keeping an eye
on that, huh?
RACHEL: Humph.
Hey, relax.
- This is...
RACHEL:
Hey, relax.
- Uh...
- Look at me.
- What took you so long?
- Oh, God, there was
a big accident,
I got stuck on the freeway
and I tried to do a detour.
Got really lost,
and then I tried to text you
and it wouldn't send through.
- We're gonna forget
this whole thing
ever happened,
you hear me?
(soft music)
And you're gonna
get some sleep.
Recharge and enjoy
the room on me,
even though you
sucker-punched me.
LARRY:
I didn't.
CHESTER: You don't have
to shake my hand,
we're way beyond
handshakes, buddy.
♪
And you could have
a room for free too,
just for being so beautiful.
- Wow, okay, I don't really
know what's happening,
but I like it.
- I'm gonna go to my room.
RACHEL: Uh, wait, um.
It was really upsetting
meeting you at first,
but you seem lovely now.
- A common refrain.
♪
(eagle screeching)
RACHEL: I wonder if
this is actually him.
- No, it's sexual harassment
is what it is.
- Eh...
LARRY: [sarcastically]
Ha ha.
I just don't think
that he's funny.
- Well, he could say
the same thing about
you calling the cops
on him, you know?
- No, look, I mean,
I kind of apologized.
Okay, maybe he's not
as bad as I thought.
- Hm.
- This wedding's really just
messing with my head, you know?
- I know. Here.
It's gonna be
all right, okay?
♪
And you should
give Cindy this.
(laughter)
Take it.
- Should we invite him
to the wedding?
- Ohh...
- The Three Amigos?
- Ugh!
Go away!
"Hey, Cindy.
This is my giant
cocked friend Chester.
You cousin-fucking bitch."
(chuckling)
(knocking at door)
Go! Go get it!
(eerie music)
- It's Chester.
- Well, open it.
- No, shut off the lights!
- He'll see, dude!
- Maybe he'll get the hint.
- We're coming!
♪
(sighs)
♪
- Sorry for interrupting,
just dropping off
a couple drinks.
Thought you might need them
after the night you've had.
On the house.
♪
Have a good night.
- Say thank you, he's going.
LARRY:
Um, hey, hey, Chester?
♪
Thanks, man, this is--
it's really nice.
And... listen,
I'm sorry again about...
- Calling the cops?
Punching me in the face?
(ding)
Don't worry about it.
- Okay. Uh...
Hey, why don't we
join you for a drink?
- Nah, it's late.
- Come on, dude,
just one drink.
- All right, one drink!
Just one, though, not two.
Maybe nine.
(Chester chuckles)
I'm just fucking with you.
We could have 12
if you want,
I'm all set up.
All right.
You want to meet there?
(upbeat music)
Aw, so you had to leave him.
- Yeah.
Hercules had to stay
with our mom.
It wasn't very zen out there.
I was basically the least
zen person in Tibet.
- I've never been
much for meditation.
I had an ex try
to steal my mind once,
so I had to steal her body.
(noisy sucking)
♪
It was a joke.
Come on, guys, lighten up!
I just watched
her dog last week.
She's a big bitch.
Dog was fat, too.
(chuckling)
- So are you ever serious, or...
- Oh boy, the doctor's in.
Let me just lay on the couch.
I'll take two hand jobs
and call you in the morning.
- The structure of that
joke doesn't even make sense.
Like, if I'm the doctor,
I should be the one
prescribing the hand jobs.
♪
(chuckling)
♪
- Now we're getting somewhere.
♪
So what's this guy's deal, Rach?
Has he always been,
you know, uptight?
RACHEL: Oh, you should have
seen him when he was a kid.
He was the funniest,
happiest little guy.
Couldn't go two minutes
without laughing.
And everyone adored him.
- So what happened to him?
- Well, that Larry
is still there,
it's just that
I'm the only one
that gets to see it sometimes.
- Or maybe he's just an asshole.
RACHEL: [giggling]
Maybe.
♪
Uh-- oh!
♪
Whoa! He got it.
CHESTER:
Okay, you two.
I wish I had that kind of
closeness with somebody.
- So what is your story,
Chester?
♪
- No story.
I'm just a good-time guy.
A few drinks,
a few laughs.
I'm a maker of cocktails
and a purveyor of jokes.
To be honest,
I'm not fucked up at all.
To new friends.
♪ We'll be holding hands
until the end of time ♪
(Larry sighs)
This is a very special batch.
LARRY: No, no, no, no, no,
no, I can't do another one.
No, no, no, no!
(soft music)
- So what's the real story
with this wedding, man?
- Uh... like, how do you mean?
♪
- You got a real
heaviness about you.
Your aura is all fumbled.
Feel like you're dying
to let something out.
Level with me.
- It's just...
it's just this girl.
♪
- What's her name?
♪
- Cindy Hughes.
♪
She's the only girl
I ever wanted to marry.
♪
But she dumped me
the day before
I was gonna propose.
♪
And now, she's getting
married tomorrow.
♪
- Who's she marrying?
- Pfft, you're never
gonna believe this.
My first cousin.
You know, I keep wondering,
like, what's more humiliating:
to go and know
that everyone knows
or to not go,
knowing that everyone
there is gonna be
secretly laughing at me?
♪
- What you need to do
is have the last laugh.
That's the end game, man.
♪
That's how the loser... wins.
♪
LARRY:
You know,
actually I was thinking
about doing something.
♪
After Cindy dumped me,
I wrote the letter
to end all letters.
♪
Just never had the guts
to give it to her,
but tomorrow,
tomorrow I will.
Right before she says, "I do."
♪
- Can I see it?
- Mm-mm.
- Come on, Larry, let me see it.
We're having
a moment here, Larry.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
You're never gonna see me again.
I'll tell you if I think you...
captured the right energy.
♪
- I've never let anyone read it.
Not even Rachel.
♪
- "Dear Cindy, words are
really not my thing.
Cindy, I love you, I've
never loved anyone..."
♪
Ah, I love you, Lar.
♪
That's fucking beautiful, man.
It's gonna crucify her.
♪
- What time is it?
- Uh, I don't know, it's late.
- Well, uh, bedtime for Bonzo.
- Yeah, I should probably be
getting back to the desk.
Who knows how many
customers I've missed.
- All right, good night.
CHESTER:
Oh, wait one sec.
I need to get a picture
of you, can you come here?
RACHEL:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I look like a scrub muffin.
CHESTER:
Shut up, you look amazing.
Smile, babies.
(camera clicks)
RACHEL:
Okay, all right.
Good night.
- That's a great picture of me.
- But... just...
CHESTER:
Good night, Lar-Bear.
(gentle music)
♪
FAKE CINDY:
I love you, Larry.
♪
(music darkening)
♪
(dramatic beat)
♪
GERRY:
What... the fuck?!
What the hell, come on, no!
(Gerry shouting)
[shouting]
Jesus!
[sobbing]
Who would do this to you?
[shouting]
Who would do this to you?
(Gerry grunts)
(Gerry whimpering)
(Gerry shouting in agony)
- Who is-- oh, ah.
- Jesus.
GERRY: Oh, no, Betty!
- Who is this guy?
LARRY: He's just this biker guy.
- Betty, no!
- It looks like Chester
went too far this time.
GERRY: [whimpering] Who would--
who would do this to you?
Not-- not Betty!
You goddamn son of a bitch!
- Is there a problem, Gerald?
- I swear to fucking Christ,
I'm gonna tear someone's
fucking head off.
- Oh, someone put a crotch
on your crotch rocket.
- Did you do this?
You think this is funny?
- Oh, at least you won't mix
it up with anyone else.
- (gasps)
- Jesus.
(grunting)
- Not funny, man.
RACHEL: Guys.
GERRY: Fuck you!
RACHEL: Guys, guys, stop it.
GERRY: Who would do this?
- Can we just talk about this?
- You want some of
this, little man?
I'm gonna cut you up, man.
(grunting)
- What's he doing?
(grunting)
(tense music)
- Chester.
♪
- [shouting]
I... was... just...
fucking... with... you!
(Gerry whining in pain)
[concerned]
Oh man, oh man, oh man.
♪
(groaning)
Gerald, are you okay?
(groaning)
♪
Gerald, things got
carried away, man.
Are you okay, man?
(groaning)
Are you okay?
You okay?
You okay, man?
(Gerry whimpering)
GERRY:
Please, Chester, please.
- You need to learn
to take a joke.
(squishing, Gerry screaming)
♪
- Chester.
♪
CHESTER: [concerned]
You okay, Gerald?
Are you okay?
You guys, I don't
think he's all right.
Gerald, Gerald!
RACHEL:
What happened?
CHESTER:
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, fuck, no.
He had a knife.
You saw, right?
He was gonna kill me.
Gerald!
He's dead.
I killed him.
Holy fuck, I fucking
killed someone.
- We have to call the police.
- No.
- Everything's
gonna be all right.
- No, it won't.
I'll take care of it.
(tense music)
LARRY:
What are you--
what-- what are you doing?
(Larry and Rachel pleading no)
- I'll call.
♪
(relieved sighs)
Once I make this phone call,
it's gonna change my life.
Larry, can I ask you
to do something for me?
- O-okay.
- Will you go get me some vodka?
♪
- Some vodka?
Okay, okay.
♪
- One last drink
before the long walk.
♪
- All right, okay.
(panting)
(Chester dialing phone)
(phone ringing)
CHESTER:
Hello, Sheriff's Department?
There's been a tragedy
at the Pink Motel.
My friend is dead.
♪
[sobbing]
It was an accident.
♪
(Larry and Rachel panting)
LARRY:
Holy shit, I can't believe
what the hell is
happening right now.
- We have to call the cops.
LARRY: Huh?
- Now.
- He said that he was
calling them already.
- You think he
really made that call?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Give me your phone.
- Huh?
- Give me your phone.
- Right.
- God, come on.
- Call, call, call, call, call.
- I am, I am.
(phone ringing)
OPERATOR:
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
- Hello, hi, uh, yeah,
I'm calling from the
Pink Motel and Lounge.
- I wanted to report--
OPERATOR: Um, yes,
the sheriff's
already on his way.
Are you currently in danger?
RACHEL: No, not this
second, no, but, um, uh,
can you just make sure
that he--he's quick?
OPERATOR:
Yes, I'll let him know.
- Okay, thank you.
I guess you were right,
he, uh, he made the call.
What are you doing?
- I'm-- I'm-- I'm getting
him that-- that vodka.
RACHEL:
What?
(dramatic music)
(gasps)
Oh my God, oh my
God, oh my God!
(eagle screeching)
- Looks like
it's Johnny and Sherrie.
(tense music)
♪
Now I know you're
probably thinking
this elderly couple was
horrendously murdered
in the motel that
they owned and operate.
(glass shattering)
And you're right, they were.
But not by me.
♪
(clattering)
Turns out Johnny here
was a world-class pervert.
JOHNNY:
I like to watch 'em fuck.
- He had hidden cameras
installed in every room.
(glass shattering)
JOHNNY: Dumb fucks
don't know I'm watching.
- And he was getting
away with it for years
until good old
Chester came along
and realized that something was
rotten in the state of Denmark.
I figured it out!
♪
So I confronted him about it!
SHERRIE:
You're a bad man, John!
CHESTER: And when I did, Sherrie
felt the years of betrayal
of not knowing that her
husband was a pervert
and she took out a knife.
SHERRIE:
I'm gonna kill you!
- And she started
stabbing Johnny.
JOHNNY:
Not if I kill you first, bitch!
- And he started strangling her.
And there they were,
both of them,
intertwined in this...
embrace of death.
♪
Killing each other.
(Johnny and Sherrie screaming)
♪
It was the most honest
expression of marriage
I've ever seen in my life.
But you gotta believe I didn't
have anything to do with it.
Do you believe me?
(breathing anxiously)
- Yeah, I believe you, Chester.
Let's get you that drink, huh?
- I knew there was a
reason I liked this girl.
RACHEL:
Shots all around.
Well, you're not gonna make
me drink this by myself.
Hmm?
(shot glass clanks)
- I was right.
What was it that Gerald said?
It's rude to leave
a drink that...
someone poured for you.
Oh, by the way, you never
told me your sister's name.
I looked on your Facebook page.
(bottle shatters)
- [shouting]
Run!
(tense music)
LARRY:
Fuck, my keys are in the room.
RACHEL:
Mine too.
LARRY:
My room, my room.
RACHEL:
Over here.
Oh my God.
LARRY:
Fuck, where the fuck are they?
RACHEL:
How am I supposed to know?
♪
LARRY: Fuck.
RACHEL: No!
Oh, shit.
(tapping on glass)
Oh my God, oh my God!
♪
(Rachel whimpering)
LARRY:
No, no, no, no, no.
RACHEL:
What are you doing?
(grunting)
(door locks)
♪
- What?
- He's still there.
(sighs)
♪
RACHEL:
Oh, God.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
(panting)
(Chester laughing)
(police siren wailing)
♪
- Oh, God.
♪
RACHEL:
We have to warn the sheriff.
- Fuck that, that
sheriff hates me.
♪
- Sheriff, you have to help us!
- Don't move.
- What? No.
No, no, no, it's just us
from before, remember?
- The two of you
on the ground now.
- You-- you don't understand.
He is crazy.
- All right, you've got
to the count of three.
One.
Two.
LARRY: Okay.
- Three.
CHESTER:
Thank you for coming, Sheriff.
- My God, sir,
are you all right?
What happened?
- She hit me in the
head with a bottle.
(whimpering in pain)
- Did you hit him in
the head with a bottle?
- Yes.
But... he killed those
people in the diner,
and-- and he killed a
guy, the body's just--
(tense music)
- God damn it.
- Oh, God.
- I knew it was a bad idea
not to take you in earlier.
Face down.
Right now, on the ground, now!
LARRY:
Officer, it wasn't us.
SHERIFF:
I'm taking you in for aiding
and abetting an idiot.
(Rachel groaning in pain)
(cheerful ding)
Hey, hey, don't do it,
don't do it, don't do it!
RACHEL:
Larry!
(Larry screaming)
(taser zapping)
[shouting]
RACHEL: Larry!
Stop it, stop!
Please stop!
(Larry convulsing)
(laughing)
- What are you laughing at?
- I'm just fuckin' with you.
That was priceless.
- What are you talking about?
- I mean, it took a lot of work
to set this up.
- I told you, he's a psycho!
- Hey, shut up.
You're gonna get your
chance, all right?
(choking)
(dramatic music)
(gagging)
♪
- Sheriff, are you okay?
Are you okay, Sheriff?
Are you okay, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Sheriff, Sheriff, I'll help you.
You're okay, man.
(Sheriff gagging)
Sheriff, are you okay?
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's all right,
it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay,
it's gonna be okay.
(gasping)
Well, I never killed
anyone like that before.
Larry, you gotta see this--
♪
(laughing)
RACHEL:
Get up, Larry.
(Chester whistling)
(taser zapping)
What the fuck are you doing?
- My bad.
RACHEL: Larry, Larry, get up!
Larry, get up.
- Well, Larry, I'm sorry.
This trigger's loose, man.
(Larry panting)
- Leave him alone!
(whistling, zapping)
[screaming]
Stop it, stop it!
- No, you stop it!
RACHEL:
Leave him alone.
- Larry, can I help you
to the car, man?
Here, I'll open
the door for you.
(Larry groaning)
Larry.
(Larry groaning)
(zapping)
RACHEL:
No! Stop!
(door closes)
(tense music)
♪
(whimpering)
CHESTER:
Now you.
♪
(Rachel breathing heavily)
♪
- Oh, God, please.
♪
CHESTER: Bang!
(screams)
♪
[no audio]
♪
- Please.
♪
(sobbing)
♪
No.
(whimpering)
♪
(knife scraping glass)
♪
(Rachel sobbing)
♪
(music intensifying)
♪
- The surgery was a success.
RACHEL: [shouts]
Get the fuck away from me!
Get away!
- Rachel, where you going?
I'm just trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
You need your keys.
I'm trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
(intense music)
♪
- Oh, God.
Larry, are you okay?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
(car starting)
LARRY: Go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL: Oh, my God.
LARRY: Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL:
Are you okay?
Hey, hey.
♪
- Drive safe.
- Fuck you, Chester!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL:
Oh God.
He's a fucking serial killer.
Oh, my God.
(loud bang)
What the fuck is that noise?
(party horns blowing)
What's happening?
Come on!
Oh, come on!
[whispering]
What the fuck.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, come on!
(laughing)
(tense music)
Okay, okay.
(Chester laughing)
Larry, get out.
Come on, come on.
(Larry groaning)
RACHEL: I got you.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe
it fucking worked.
- Come on, Larry.
Oh, get up, Larry, get up!
CHESTER:
I'm on fire.
(party horn blowing)
RACHEL:
Oh, God, Larry!
- Go.
(panting)
I'm sorry.
(party horn blowing)
CHESTER:
Hey, guys, wait up!
- Go, go, go.
(Chester laughing)
LARRY:
I'm sorry.
(eagle screeching)
(groaning)
[screaming]
RACHEL: What the fuck are you giving him?!
- Laughing gas, of course.
(laughing)
No, no, no, no, no,
don't, no, no, no!
- Don't you fucking move!
- No!
(shrieking)
[screaming]
No! No, no.
(gun clicks)
One, two, three.
(groans, gun clicks)
Four.
- You fucking...
- Five.
- ...monster!
- One more is six.
(gun clicks)
(gun clicking)
(frustrated screaming)
(grunting, coughing)
- Get off me!
- Get off me! ♪ Hush, little
baby, don't say a word ♪
♪ Chester's gonna buy
you a mockingbird ♪
(Rachel stops whimpering)
♪
[distorted]
You should know by now, Rachel.
I was just fucking with you.
♪
(crickets chirping)
(water lapping)
(eerie music)
♪
- Am I dead?
♪
(eagle screeching)
(King Harvest,
"Dancing in the Moonlight")
♪
KING HARVEST: ♪ We get
it almost every night ♪
♪ When that moon
gets big and bright ♪
♪ It's supernatural delight ♪
♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪
CHESTER:
My friends,
our guest of honor is awake.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Adams!
Larry, if you fall in,
you're gonna drown.
You can't move your arms yet.
It's too soon.
Just relax, my man.
I won't be able to save you.
I can't swim!
(distorted noise)
- Who are you?
CHESTER:
I am Judgment.
I am Wrath.
And you, Larry Adams,
have been judgmented.
- That's not a word.
CHESTER: How do you know, Larry?
Do you have a thesaurus
on that raft?
LARRY:
I don't feel well.
God help me.
CHESTER:
God is helping you, Larry.
He loves you!
This is the way
He wants you to be.
Welcome to my
Hawaiian luau, Larry.
You are my guest of honor.
Here's your golden lei.
(eerie music)
Oh, God.
Listen, Larry.
I'm not gonna lie to ya,
I gave you a mega
dose of ayahuasca...
and some other things.
♪
You're gonna be feeling
a little woozy.
♪
You okay, man?
- Who am I?
CHESTER:
That's why we're all
gathered here tonight,
to find out who you really are.
You're in a
very safe space, man.
I'm a trained shaman.
LARRY:
Where's Rachel?
- Oh, Rachel's fine, man.
She's just changing
into her bathing suit.
[distorted]
Perhaps we can go check on her.
[in a deep voice]
Let's put the ceremony on pause.
[normal]
Listen, Lar-Bear,
there's one more thing
I need for you to do.
It's very important
for your transition.
- Okay, what is it?
- You kinda fucked things up
for me tonight,
if I'm being honest.
I had a fun evening planned,
and then you came along.
You're the rarest of things.
- What do you mean?
- Understand this:
You're a man completely
devoid of a sense of humor.
You're a dour curmudgeon
with a scorpion sting.
[distorted]
You're the April Fool.
(piano music)
- I am.
I know I am.
- I want you to tell me,
in all your newfound,
drug-addled glory,
who you really are.
Tell me who Larry Adams is.
Not the bullshit duality
that you hide behind,
not the mask you
present to the world,
but the real you.
The real you.
♪
- Okay.
- Good boy.
♪
(eerie music)
(panting)
♪
What do you think?
On the bed?
- I don't know.
- Yeah, on the bed.
Sorry, I'm not much
of a camera guy.
Okay.
♪
- Okay, I'm ready, I think.
- So, let the truth
surge through you.
(phone beeps)
Tell us both who
you really... are.
[whispering]
And action.
- I'm a troll.
(tranquil music)
I...
Literally, I'm a troll.
♪
I mean, on the outside, I'm--
I'm nice, I'm... meek,
I'm affable,
but on the inside,
my heart is full of bitterness.
♪
I've never fit in.
I'm on the other
side of the glass,
always looking in.
CHESTER:
This is fantastic, man.
Let it out.
Continue.
♪
- You know, when I was young,
I just-- I never had the
ability to talk to other kids.
♪
I never knew what to say.
♪
It's like I'm a prisoner
in my own head,
and it makes me hate people.
♪
So...
♪
I created ProgrammingFlaw.
(dramatic music)
He could do all the things
that I never could.
I could be free.
He can destroy people with
a single push of a button.
- Sounds like a hell of a guy!
LARRY:
Oh, he is.
He's formidable.
He's everything that I'm not,
and he's the only one
who ever had my back,
Rachel aside.
(upbeat music)
- Thank God you have her.
LARRY:
Deep down in my soul,
I know who I am.
(music darkens)
♪
- So who are you?
♪
- [whispering]
I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
(intense music)
♪
(demonic laugh)
- Scene.
Lay it on me, man.
(dramatic beat)
- We're beyond handshakes.
- [echoing] You fully embrace
the real powerful you.
I'm proud of you, Flaw.
You did it!
(laughing)
(drawer opening)
(exhaling)
(Chester laughing)
(clattering)
(lighter flicking)
- Hey, can I see Rachel now?
- Here's the deal.
For every action,
there's an equal
and opposite reaction.
Newton's third law of motion.
Rachel would call it karma,
Larry would call it payback,
I'll just call it
fucking funny, man.
[shouting]
Rachel, come on out!
She's just in there.
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(eagle screeching)
No, no, no.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
(eerie music)
[weeping]
No, no, no, no, no!
Rachel!
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
♪
No!
(sobbing)
You said she was okay.
You promised me.
(sobbing)
♪
- The transition wouldn't have
worked otherwise, PFlaw.
You wouldn't have
learned anything.
- Why?
- Why not?
(sobbing)
(phone chiming)
(laughing)
(Larry continues sobbing)
You want to know what's
even funnier than this?
I just posted your
pathetic confession
and sappy letter to Cindy
on the wedding forum.
Comment highlights:
"Pathetic note, bitch.
Of course she'd never marry you.
Get a life, freak.
What's wrong with you?"
(sobbing continues)
"You're just really pathetic."
(sobbing)
Oh, here's a good one.
It just says, "Die."
(laughing)
And here's one
from Cindy herself.
Ready?
"You are a monster..."
CINDY:
...a monster.
I never even liked you.
CHESTER:
"You're pathetic."
Wow!
She really hates you, Lar-Bear.
(deep breath)
(laughing)
What?
(Larry continues laughing)
- Do you know what?
(laughing)
I was wrong about you.
(laughing)
Oh my God, you are funny.
I mean, I...
(laughing)
I mean, I-- I see it,
man, I get it all now.
All of this was genius.
(laughing)
I mean, you're like Mozart, man.
You're like the
Mozart of comedy.
(laughing)
- I've been waiting all
night for you to say that.
- You're hilarious.
(laughing)
I mean, you're a funny fucker.
(laughing)
I mean, those guys,
Gerald and the Sheriff,
what is wrong with them?
They should've been
laughing too, man.
Oh my God, that dead couple?
I mean, they just
flat-out deserved it.
(tense music)
(laughing)
Oh, wait, are you
filming this right now?
(laughing)
CHESTER:
Oh, we serial killers
like to keep souvenirs.
(both laughing)
PFlaw, you're a
breath of fresh air
in a slaughterhouse.
♪
Ahh.
(Larry chuckles)
But all good things
must come to an end.
Any last requests?
(gun clicks)
♪
- Well...
(chuckles)
I don't want to die here.
(laughing)
I mean, I don't want
to live anymore.
♪
I don't want to die here.
♪
Let's go to the wedding.
Huh?
All three of us.
(laughing)
♪
I mean, there's--
there's a hill
overlooking the festivities.
I mean, imagine the look
on their dumbass faces
when we rock up.
I mean, just me
and Rachel, dead,
just tumbling down
a hill towards them.
(both laughing)
Now that...
(Larry chuckling)
(eagle screeching)
That would be fucking hilarious.
- Are you just fucking with me?
- You tell me.
(funky electronic music)
♪
(groaning)
- Where you going?
- Let's take Rachel's car.
I'll drive.
CHESTER: You want to drive?
- Oh, come on, Chester.
Rachel would never
let you drive her car.
Rachel! Rachel!
Would you let Chester
drive your car?
Rachel says, "No fucking way."
(chuckling)
Come on, Chester.
Your aura seems
a little jumbled.
♪
Look, man, I just wanted to say,
thank you for everything.
(laughing)
Keys.
(keys jangling)
Let's roll.
CHESTER:
I'll fuck anything that moves!
(intense music)
Or doesn't move.
Sorry, Rachel.
(laughing)
♪
RAPPER:
♪ Get your face wrapped up ♪
♪ Smacked up, we hold it down ♪
♪ Drag you in the gym and I
plan to cut that ass down ♪
♪ Metal shards, my blade
slicing your windpipe ♪
♪ Strobe lights flashing,
fury's blinding my eyesight ♪
CHESTER:
Rachel, do you have to pee?
(both laughing)
(rap music)
♪
(mellow music)
♪
- Chester, can I
tell you a joke?
- Absolutely, man.
- So there's these two idiots,
and they're driving
down the road.
CHESTER:
And?
- Okay, and they're
called Larry and Chester.
(laughing)
And Larry's sister is
sittin' in the back,
woop, not sayin' a word.
(laughing)
- I like it already.
Rachel, be quiet for
the punchline, okay?
(laughing)
- And then Larry says to Chester,
"If you could be anything
in the world right now,
what would you be?"
And-- and Chester replies,
"Well, I don't know,
what would I be?
- I don't know,
what would I be?
(laughing)
- "Well," says Larry,
"you'd be Rachel's dog."
♪
- Rachel's dog?
(laughing)
LARRY:
Yeah, that's right.
Chester would be
Rachel's dog, Hercules.
(panting, barks)
(Larry laughs)
(Larry barks)
(panting)
(laughing)
Now Chester says,
"W-why would I be Hercules?"
- W-why would I be Hercules?
- "Well," says Larry,
"Rachel just loved
Hercules so much
that she had him
ride up front with her
in the passenger seat."
In fact, just right there
in your seat right there.
CHESTER: [mumbling]
Oh, you're so thoughtful, Rachel.
LARRY: I mean,
it wasn't exactly legal,
but she just loved
that dog so much.
CHESTER: Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
Almost as much as she loved me.
She always wanted
to keep him safe.
So, she made an
alteration to the car!
(laughing)
(both laughing)
♪
- What's the punchline, Larry?
- What's the punchline?
Oh, Chester.
The punchline is that
because of Hercules
♪
Rachel disabled the airbags
on one side of the car,
Chester's side of the car.
♪
Now I'm gonna drive us
into a fucking wall.
- You wouldn't, Larry.
LARRY:
You're right.
Larry wouldn't have the balls.
But I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
(engine revving)
(screaming)
♪
(crash, groans)
(dogs whimpering)
CHESTER:
To the beautiful sound
of laughter.
(dark rap music)
♪
RAPPER: ♪ Yo, blood spray
and the blood splatter ♪
♪ She loves the way I'm looking
when I come and the
paint splatters ♪
♪ She's an open book that I
can read but I'd rather fuck ♪
♪ I don't want to talk no
more, I just want to nut ♪
♪ This is where we both hold
hands to the bitter end ♪
♪ But fuck that,
let's walk through hell
to see how this ends ♪
♪ Now I'm staring at myself
in the broken glass ♪
♪ Thinking how I
let you slip away,
I'm still wanting that ass ♪
♪ If I get one more time,
I'll let you know ♪
♪ How I want to kill everything
that you try to grow ♪
♪ How I want to fuck every
part of your wretched soul ♪
♪ How I want to break you
inside and make it slow ♪
♪ I ain't got a gun in my
hand, just fucking raw ♪
♪ She ain't got a
bullet in the chamber
but she got all sheen ♪
♪ Gotta beg me to come
disassemble her ♪
♪ When she wants a man, I'm
the one that convinces her ♪
♪ So take it in your mouth,
baby doll, this is elegance ♪
♪ Watch it as the world
burns in this irrelevance ♪
♪ If we could die together,
free the blood of
the excellence ♪
♪ Girl, 'cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood
that you spilled ♪
♪ We the bosses,
make 'em black ♪
♪ Flooding my intensity and
dive in your hornet's nest ♪
♪ I love you till it burns,
that's the part that
can kill us both ♪
♪ To blow apart our particles
and lower this overdose ♪
♪ I'm hellbound, that
or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood
that you spilled ♪
♪
LARRY:
I'm just fucking with you.
(eagle screech)
(eerie music)
♪
(funky electronic music)
♪
(music distorting)
♪
CHESTER:
I'm just fucking with you.
(hip-hop music, vocalizing)
♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪
MALE VOCALIST:
♪ Actually bought a hatchet ♪
♪ I don't sleep
with a ratchet ♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪ I move drugs in batches ♪
♪ Hopped off that
like hatchet ♪
♪ The bitch snatched it ♪
♪ Met her sister,
smashed it ♪
♪ Fucked her once
then dashed it ♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪
♪ I'll take that machete
to a mosh pit ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck ♪
♪ I don't give a damn ♪
♪ I don't give a fuck about
you pussy motherfuckers ♪
♪ I'm gonna hit you
with a stick like that ♪
[indiscernible lyrics]
♪
(cell phone rings)
LARRY:
Hey.
RACHEL:
Larry, you coming or what?
LARRY:
I already made the reservation.
RACHEL: Well, I reserve the
right to tell you to cancel it.
- Stop.
RACHEL: Mom and Dad
are here at the hotel.
Everyone knows
how hard this is for you,
but we just want
to see you.
- Look, you're the only one
that I want to see.
RACHEL:
Holy fucking shit.
Get on Cindy's
Twitter feed now.
Oh my God.
(Rachel laughs)
Some genius just
totally flamed her.
Who the hell is
ProgrammingFlaw, anyway?
- What?
RACHEL: Someone needs
to give that guy a medal.
Wow.
Okay, so, you're
coming, right?
- I just--
I just don't want to.
RACHEL: Well, then
I'll come to you then.
Let me guess:
You're staying in some
flamboyantly vile place, right?
Tell me.
Come on, tell me.
- Ugh, fine.
I'm staying at the...
Pink Motel and Lounge.
RACHEL:
Ooh, sounds so very.
I'll leave here
in a minute.
Ciao, Lar-Bear.
♪
(car audio shuts off)
(distant dogs barking)
(sighs)
(funky electronic music)
♪
(neon buzzing)
♪
LARRY:
Hello?
♪
(bell dings)
Hello?
(muffled laughter)
[indiscernible speech]
CHESTER:
Oh, man, I had you going there.
[indiscernible conversation]
GERRY:
Yeah, man.
You got me good,
that was good.
(chortling)
(clears throat)
(eerie music)
♪
- You got a problem?
♪
- What? No.
♪
- Hmm.
♪
CHESTER:
Yeah, you do.
X-Y-Z.
♪
(chortling)
- I can't believe you.
- I'm just fucking with you!
April Fools, big boy!
GERRY:
That was a good one.
(cap snaps, beer foams)
(laughter)
CHESTER:
Let's try that again.
(cap snaps)
How can I help you?
- I'm just looking
to check in.
Are you the owner?
- Nope.
I'm Chester.
- Uh, Larry.
GERRY:
Oh, hey, I'm Gerald.
You can call me Gerry,
Larry, pleasure's all mine.
- Yeah, um...
(chuckling)
(Chester, Gerry hem and haw)
So can I just
check in with you, or?
- Yeah, I'm pulling
double duty tonight.
It's off-season,
so the owners are
cutting costs.
Can't stay mad at them.
They're real sweet
old-timers.
- Huh, I hear you.
Well, I've had
kind of a long drive, so
just love to get to bed.
CHESTER:
Oh yeah, of course.
Room's 75 bucks.
No tax if you've
got it in cash.
- Great, great, yeah.
- It's an insult
to leave a beverage
a man's given you.
CHESTER: Gerald... sorry.
LARRY: Here you go.
- It's common courtesies.
- I mean, I can have...
uh, sure.
GERRY:
Attaboy, attaboy.
- Thanks.
Okay, what are
we drinking to?
- To the beautiful
sound of laughter.
- Okay.
- Amen, to the beautiful
sound of laughter,
God bless you!
Mm.
Woo!
Now.
Mm.
Chester, it has been great
getting to know you.
Larry, nice.
CHESTER:
I know.
I'll wipe that up.
- Huh. Nice guy, huh?
- Aw, he's a teddy bear.
Great sense of humor.
- Oh, really?
- So what are you in for?
- Oh, just this family
wedding thing, it's...
- Oh. Those are the worst.
Maybe you'll get
your bone buried.
(chuckles)
- Oh, yeah.
- What's going on with you, man?
Sit down, come on.
Vent to Chester,
sit down.
- Uh, um... no,
it's, it's...
I don't know,
it should be fine, actually.
- Wah, wah! Wrong answer.
- No, I mean,
it's just...
there's a lot of people
I haven't seen in a while,
so that's...
- There's more
to it than that.
(soft music)
- Okay, okay, um...
I don't know,
I hate dancing,
first of all.
The food's always a letdown.
- The food, really? Come on.
- All right. I had
to shell out 75 bucks
for cookie sheets
because they were
the last thing on the registry.
- Aw, cookie sheets!
(Chester laughs)
Like Miss Piggy's
ever gonna bake
her own cookies, right?
- That's, I mean...
I'll tell you what, though.
I hope that she likes
those cookie sheets,
because, honestly,
they're gonna last
a lot longer
than her marriage.
(nervous chuckle)
- That sounds like a girl
that you wouldn't marry.
- Nah, marriage is
just not my thing.
- To lone wolves forever.
- Yeah!
Yeah.
So I really am just
really tuckered out,
so could I get the key?
- No sweat.
All I need is
your credit card
and we'll sign you right in.
(music stops abruptly)
- I already gave you
the 75 bucks for the room.
(chuckles)
- Oh, I get it.
Tit-for-tat, right?
No, I'm just gonna
need that credit card.
- Are you serious?
- Afraid so, man, I mean,
I ain't operating
a halfway house here.
- No, I'm not saying that,
it's just that
when I first came in,
you remember,
like, a minute ago,
you said if
I give you cash,
then you wouldn't
charge tax?
And then, I took
out the cash
and I handed you the cash.
I mean, that guy,
that biker guy, he--
- First of all,
his name is Gerald,
and second,
I never check in anyone
without proper paperwork
for this reason.
- I understand that,
but this is crazy.
I mean, what are you
trying to pull here?
(music turns tense)
♪
- Look, man.
You came in here,
we had some drinks,
we had some laughs,
and if you want
a room, that's great.
I'll just need a photo ID
and a credit card.
♪
- All right, well,
empty your pockets, then.
♪
- Excuse me?
- You empty your pockets
and you'll see
my money in there.
♪
You put the money--
this is ridiculous.
I mean, do I have
to call the cops?
- Go ahead, call the cops.
And while you're at it,
I got another idea.
Put out your goddamned hand,
because I got your
room key right here.
(Chester cackles)
(soft, eerie music)
Oh, man, you should
have seen yourself.
I'm just fucking
with you, man.
- Oh, okay.
- You should have
seen yourself,
"This is ridiculous!
Do I have to call the cops?"
- No, you know...
CHESTER: Sorry, man.
You want me to call
the bellman?
- No.
- Good, because
we don't have one.
LARRY:
Okay.
(trunk slams)
(car lock beeps)
(door creaks)
- [disappointedly]
Oh.
(funky electronic music)
♪
(eagle screeching)
(distant dogs bark)
[indiscernible rap lyrics]
♪
(tapping at keyboard)
(hip-hop music)
♪
(licks lips)
(exaggeratedly tender music)
♪
(distant party chatter)
♪
FAKE CINDY:
Take me, big boy.
♪
(music turns dark)
TELEVISION NEWS ANCHOR: Here's
our viewer video of the week,
straight from Marshall.
(phone chimes)
(soft music)
♪
NICOLE: That's right, Chuck,
it is still chaos out here
on South Citrus
at that multi-car pileup
that has caused gridlock
in both directions.
Details are still
trickling in,
but witnesses report
seeing the pickup truck
swerving erratically
before veering into
oncoming traffic,
causing this chain reaction
which left
one young woman dead
and several people
in critical condition,
including an infant.
The driver,
who witnesses say
was visibly intoxicated,
then fled the scene.
Sheriffs found
the suspect's vehicle,
a late-model white pickup,
a few blocks away from
the scene of the accident,
where it appears
as if the sus--
(call ringing)
- Oh, come on,
come on, come on.
VOICEMAIL RECORDING:
Hi, you've reached Rachel.
I'm away from
the phone right now,
but I'll call you back
if you leave a message.
LARRY:
Where the fuck are you?
(phone ringing)
- Hello, Pink Motel and Lounge.
- Hi, uh, Chester?
- The one and only.
- Oh, um, hey,
this is Larry in Room 6.
- Yeah, Larry,
I know who you are.
- Yeah, I was just wondering
if anyone checked in
since I got here.
My sister is supposed
to come meet me,
and, I don't know,
she's pretty late.
I don't know if she came in
or called, or anything.
CHESTER:
Oh, well, uh...
no one's come in but let me
check the messages.
- Maybe I missed a call.
- Great, thanks.
(eerie music)
♪
(music turns tender)
♪
- Hey, Larry,
I got some bad news.
♪
- Yeah?
CHESTER:
It's about your sister.
There was a message.
♪
I hate to be the one
to tell you this, man.
♪
She's not coming, Larry.
(music turns dark)
♪
She found
a big cock to suck on,
then she died
and went to heaven.
(chortles)
- What the fuck?
CHESTER: Come on, man,
it doesn't even make sense
that someone would call me
if something happened to her.
(chuckling)
- Jesus, Chester.
(eerie music)
CHESTER:
Just call if you need anything.
♪
- [annoyed]
Unbelievable.
♪
(coins dropping)
(button clicking)
♪
(crash)
GERRY: Let old Gerry
help you out, buddy.
(Gerry chuckles)
- Thank you.
GERRY: Did you just touch me,
peckerwood?
- No, no, I didn't, sir.
- Yeah, you did, didn't you,
little man?
(Gerry chuckles)
[angrily]
You know what this says?
- No, sir.
- Lone wolf!
(snaps like a dog)
Do you know
what it represents?
- No.
- It represents my armor.
And you don't touch
a road warrior's armor
unless you're ready to fight
or fuck.
You ready to fight?
- Uh, no.
- Hm.
- Oh, no.
- Oh. Well, cool.
Um... hm.
(chuckles)
You just narrowly avoided
an ass pounding, dude.
Room 7 if you feel lucky.
(relieved sigh)
(Gerry howls)
(funky electronic music)
♪
CHESTER: I'm just gonna
need that credit card.
"Do I have to call the cops?"
Big cock to suck on.
GERRY:
Lone wolf!
♪
(dramatic beat)
(eagle screeching)
(mellow music)
♪
(kissing sounds)
♪
- Ha, ha, ha!
Very funny, Chester.
♪
(dramatic beat)
♪
(music darkens)
♪
(demonic laughter)
(water running)
(door closes)
[whispering]
Rachel...
Hey, yeah, I'll be right there.
(banging at door)
Hello?
MAN: [speaking Spanish]
- No, I'm okay,
just come back later, please.
MAN: [speaking Spanish]
- No, I'm in the shower,
can you come back?
CHESTER:
Larry, you okay in there?
- Chester?
CHESTER:
Yeah, man, of course it's me.
Not all cleaning people
speak Spanish.
That's kind of
a racist assumption.
Listen, man, I was
hoping to get to you
before you used the bathroom.
It's got a tricky door
that's been giving guests
some problems, I meant
to tell you this before
but we were having
such a good time.
- Just stop joking around, man.
CHESTER: What? No, come on,
man, I like to joke around
but I wouldn't mess
with you like this.
- Just say that
my sister is, like,
sucking a big dick or whatever
and just let me out, man.
CHESTER: Larry, I swear
I could lose my job
over something like this, man.
Sherrie and Johnny
made it very clear
that I had to tell guests
in Room 6 about this door.
You got to help me out, man.
- Just let me out and then
I won't say anything, okay?
CHESTER: All right.
Geez, you're a good man.
Okay, I think--
I'm gonna need you
to put a lot of pressure
on the door.
- What?
That is the oldest trick
in the book, man,
I'm not gonna fall--
CHESTER: Okay, I understand
why you think that,
but I'm not fucking
with you, Larry.
Are you putting pressure?
- Yes, I'm doing it.
CHESTER: Okay, good, now you're
gonna need a lot of leverage,
okay, man?
You've got to really do it,
put all your weight
against it.
- I'm doing it!
CHESTER: All right, just do it
at the same time,
you ready, on three.
One--
(thud)
(Chester laughs)
(eagle screeching)
Oh, man, we did it, buddy.
LARRY:
What the hell is wrong with you?
CHESTER: Okay, okay,
I see you're not laughing.
But look at it
from my perspective.
I mean, yes, I was
holding the door shut.
Bad on me.
But honestly, I never
thought you'd fall for it.
And once we were
in the middle of it,
how could I stop?
(soft, tense music)
Come on, man,
it was just a joke.
♪
It's me, Chester.
- You are pathetic.
Do you know that?
Nobody likes people
like you, you just--
you never get the hint.
You just push
and you push
and you push
and you push.
Well, let me tell you something.
[angrily]
Nobody thinks that you're funny!
♪
Just...
♪
- You don't think
I'm funny, huh?
♪
Well, what do you
think is funny, then?
♪
Come on, tell me a joke.
- Chester, we're both tired,
it's been a long day, so can--
- Tell me a joke.
- Come on.
♪
What do you call a man
with no body and no nose?
- What?
- Nobody knows.
(laughing)
♪
- That's a great one, Larry.
I knew you had it in you, Larry.
That was great, man.
- Okay.
- All right.
Have a good night, man.
♪
(hip-hop music)
- Hey, Rachel, uh,
I don't know where you are,
but I've got
to leave this motel,
it's just weird here,
and I don't know why you're
not getting my messages,
but if you just
want to call me back,
maybe I'll just
wait in my car
down the road
and see if you come by or...
It's just so stupid.
Just please, please, I hope
you get these messages, and...
I'm kind of concerned
you were in a car crash.
I hope not.
♪
(car lock chirps)
♪
- Aww, shit.
I really let things
get out of control earlier.
I don't know
what came over me.
You're probably a good sport,
but you know,
you give a moose a cookie
and he asks for milk.
I was asking for milk.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, I can't stop you
from leaving, but
if you have to,
please accept my apology
and part as my friend.
(eerie music)
Okay, then.
♪
If Rachel shows up,
I'll tell her
you had to leave.
♪
Enjoy the wedding.
(Chester whistles)
♪
(sighs)
♪
(dramatic beat)
♪
- [whispering]
How did he know her name?
How did he know her name?
♪
(call rings)
OPERATOR:
911, what's your emergency?
- [stammering]
Hi.
I'm at the Pink Motel
and Lounge,
and there's the owner
or a guy who's--
who's looking after--
[from inside echo] I need
you to send someone out...
(neon buzzing)
(dramatic music)
MALE VOCALIST:
♪ Honey bee ♪
(police siren sounds)
♪ Guess there's nothing
else to know ♪
(police siren sounds)
♪ Except I love you so ♪
LARRY:
You know, so I'm in my car.
I had to check out because,
I mean, he's been messing
with me all night.
But he had said "Rachel,"
which is my sister,
and there's no way
that he knows what--
that's him.
That's-- that's him.
SHERIFF: Sir, can I talk
to you for a minute?
- Found out about my
kiddie porn, huh, sheriff?
Aw, just kidding.
They're all legal, barely.
- Don't even joke
about that, sir.
- How'd you know
her name, Chester?
- What are you talking about?
- Rachel.
I never told you her name,
so if she hasn't been here,
then how do you know it?
- Because you told me
her name, you dope.
I mean, did you seriously
call the cops because
you forgot you told me
your sister's name?
- I...
SHERIFF: All right.
I'll handle this, sir.
Where's Johnny and Sherrie?
CHESTER:
I'm just covering for them.
Step into my office.
- All right.
Let's just calm down here.
I want you over there.
You, other room.
You and me gonna talk, sir.
(tense music)
♪
[indiscernible conversation]
♪
(gasps)
CHESTER:
So what can I do?
I mean, I'm just
keeping the place open,
I can't be in charge
of the crazies.
SHERIFF: Right, well, listen,
it's a full moon out here
so you're not the only one
with crazy people tonight.
[indiscernible conversation]
(breathing heavily)
♪
Sir-- sir!
Please step away from there,
that's private property.
- Yeah, man,
that stuff's confidential.
LARRY: No-- look.
- I think.
- This. You see?
That's her name right there.
That's her name,
she's checked in.
Where is she, Chester,
what'd you do with her?
CHESTER:
Is something wrong, Larry?
- Huh, you see?
- Just relax and just--
wait, why you making
a fist here, Larry?
Oh! Oh, man!
Ow, God!
- What did you do?
- I didn't touch him!
- Sir, you all right?
LARRY:
I didn't do anything!
SHERIFF: Sir, are you all right?
- I didn't see that coming.
- Sir, are you okay?
What happened?
- Larry. He hit me.
- Did you seriously
just punch him?
- Where the fuck is--
- Not again.
(crashing thud)
- Sir, I'm gonna
have to take you in.
RACHEL:
Larry?
(Larry gasps, moans)
- Rachel?
- Larry! What the--
- Ma'am, stay there.
He's coming with me.
- Officer, let him go.
It's my fault.
(mellow music on radio)
- This man just assaulted you.
- Oh, I...
I pushed him too far,
I've been winding
him up all night.
Quite frankly,
I've been a dick and
I deserve a lot worse
than getting sucker-punched.
- So you're not
gonna press charges?
- If anyone's guilty
of anything here, it's me,
of bad taste and shenanigans.
- You gonna behave, son, hm?
- Yes.
RACHEL:
Thank God he's okay.
SHERIFF: Now, I don't know
what's going on with you two,
but if I got to come
back here tonight,
I'm taking you both in.
Ma'am.
- Uh, goodnight.
Is he giving you
a hard time?
- Yeah, he's been playing
these jokes on me all night.
- Larry, that was great,
that was great.
- What the hell
was that about, huh?
- Well, Larry was really
worried about you,
and then he freaked out
and called the sheriff,
and then I pulled
this great April Fools prank
and got him to leave.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You called the sheriff on him?
- Yes, I thought that
he did something to you.
- What do you mean,
did something to me?
I'm right here, okay?
LARRY: Okay, well,
he knew your name,
I didn't know that he--
it's just...
- Well, Larry,
it's an online reservation.
You know, I had to put my name
down to book the room.
- It prints out by itself.
I guess I should
do a better job
of keeping an eye
on that, huh?
RACHEL: Humph.
Hey, relax.
- This is...
RACHEL:
Hey, relax.
- Uh...
- Look at me.
- What took you so long?
- Oh, God, there was
a big accident,
I got stuck on the freeway
and I tried to do a detour.
Got really lost,
and then I tried to text you
and it wouldn't send through.
- We're gonna forget
this whole thing
ever happened,
you hear me?
(soft music)
And you're gonna
get some sleep.
Recharge and enjoy
the room on me,
even though you
sucker-punched me.
LARRY:
I didn't.
CHESTER: You don't have
to shake my hand,
we're way beyond
handshakes, buddy.
♪
And you could have
a room for free too,
just for being so beautiful.
- Wow, okay, I don't really
know what's happening,
but I like it.
- I'm gonna go to my room.
RACHEL: Uh, wait, um.
It was really upsetting
meeting you at first,
but you seem lovely now.
- A common refrain.
♪
(eagle screeching)
RACHEL: I wonder if
this is actually him.
- No, it's sexual harassment
is what it is.
- Eh...
LARRY: [sarcastically]
Ha ha.
I just don't think
that he's funny.
- Well, he could say
the same thing about
you calling the cops
on him, you know?
- No, look, I mean,
I kind of apologized.
Okay, maybe he's not
as bad as I thought.
- Hm.
- This wedding's really just
messing with my head, you know?
- I know. Here.
It's gonna be
all right, okay?
♪
And you should
give Cindy this.
(laughter)
Take it.
- Should we invite him
to the wedding?
- Ohh...
- The Three Amigos?
- Ugh!
Go away!
"Hey, Cindy.
This is my giant
cocked friend Chester.
You cousin-fucking bitch."
(chuckling)
(knocking at door)
Go! Go get it!
(eerie music)
- It's Chester.
- Well, open it.
- No, shut off the lights!
- He'll see, dude!
- Maybe he'll get the hint.
- We're coming!
♪
(sighs)
♪
- Sorry for interrupting,
just dropping off
a couple drinks.
Thought you might need them
after the night you've had.
On the house.
♪
Have a good night.
- Say thank you, he's going.
LARRY:
Um, hey, hey, Chester?
♪
Thanks, man, this is--
it's really nice.
And... listen,
I'm sorry again about...
- Calling the cops?
Punching me in the face?
(ding)
Don't worry about it.
- Okay. Uh...
Hey, why don't we
join you for a drink?
- Nah, it's late.
- Come on, dude,
just one drink.
- All right, one drink!
Just one, though, not two.
Maybe nine.
(Chester chuckles)
I'm just fucking with you.
We could have 12
if you want,
I'm all set up.
All right.
You want to meet there?
(upbeat music)
Aw, so you had to leave him.
- Yeah.
Hercules had to stay
with our mom.
It wasn't very zen out there.
I was basically the least
zen person in Tibet.
- I've never been
much for meditation.
I had an ex try
to steal my mind once,
so I had to steal her body.
(noisy sucking)
♪
It was a joke.
Come on, guys, lighten up!
I just watched
her dog last week.
She's a big bitch.
Dog was fat, too.
(chuckling)
- So are you ever serious, or...
- Oh boy, the doctor's in.
Let me just lay on the couch.
I'll take two hand jobs
and call you in the morning.
- The structure of that
joke doesn't even make sense.
Like, if I'm the doctor,
I should be the one
prescribing the hand jobs.
♪
(chuckling)
♪
- Now we're getting somewhere.
♪
So what's this guy's deal, Rach?
Has he always been,
you know, uptight?
RACHEL: Oh, you should have
seen him when he was a kid.
He was the funniest,
happiest little guy.
Couldn't go two minutes
without laughing.
And everyone adored him.
- So what happened to him?
- Well, that Larry
is still there,
it's just that
I'm the only one
that gets to see it sometimes.
- Or maybe he's just an asshole.
RACHEL: [giggling]
Maybe.
♪
Uh-- oh!
♪
Whoa! He got it.
CHESTER:
Okay, you two.
I wish I had that kind of
closeness with somebody.
- So what is your story,
Chester?
♪
- No story.
I'm just a good-time guy.
A few drinks,
a few laughs.
I'm a maker of cocktails
and a purveyor of jokes.
To be honest,
I'm not fucked up at all.
To new friends.
♪ We'll be holding hands
until the end of time ♪
(Larry sighs)
This is a very special batch.
LARRY: No, no, no, no, no,
no, I can't do another one.
No, no, no, no!
(soft music)
- So what's the real story
with this wedding, man?
- Uh... like, how do you mean?
♪
- You got a real
heaviness about you.
Your aura is all fumbled.
Feel like you're dying
to let something out.
Level with me.
- It's just...
it's just this girl.
♪
- What's her name?
♪
- Cindy Hughes.
♪
She's the only girl
I ever wanted to marry.
♪
But she dumped me
the day before
I was gonna propose.
♪
And now, she's getting
married tomorrow.
♪
- Who's she marrying?
- Pfft, you're never
gonna believe this.
My first cousin.
You know, I keep wondering,
like, what's more humiliating:
to go and know
that everyone knows
or to not go,
knowing that everyone
there is gonna be
secretly laughing at me?
♪
- What you need to do
is have the last laugh.
That's the end game, man.
♪
That's how the loser... wins.
♪
LARRY:
You know,
actually I was thinking
about doing something.
♪
After Cindy dumped me,
I wrote the letter
to end all letters.
♪
Just never had the guts
to give it to her,
but tomorrow,
tomorrow I will.
Right before she says, "I do."
♪
- Can I see it?
- Mm-mm.
- Come on, Larry, let me see it.
We're having
a moment here, Larry.
Come on, Larry, let me see it.
You're never gonna see me again.
I'll tell you if I think you...
captured the right energy.
♪
- I've never let anyone read it.
Not even Rachel.
♪
- "Dear Cindy, words are
really not my thing.
Cindy, I love you, I've
never loved anyone..."
♪
Ah, I love you, Lar.
♪
That's fucking beautiful, man.
It's gonna crucify her.
♪
- What time is it?
- Uh, I don't know, it's late.
- Well, uh, bedtime for Bonzo.
- Yeah, I should probably be
getting back to the desk.
Who knows how many
customers I've missed.
- All right, good night.
CHESTER:
Oh, wait one sec.
I need to get a picture
of you, can you come here?
RACHEL:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I look like a scrub muffin.
CHESTER:
Shut up, you look amazing.
Smile, babies.
(camera clicks)
RACHEL:
Okay, all right.
Good night.
- That's a great picture of me.
- But... just...
CHESTER:
Good night, Lar-Bear.
(gentle music)
♪
FAKE CINDY:
I love you, Larry.
♪
(music darkening)
♪
(dramatic beat)
♪
GERRY:
What... the fuck?!
What the hell, come on, no!
(Gerry shouting)
[shouting]
Jesus!
[sobbing]
Who would do this to you?
[shouting]
Who would do this to you?
(Gerry grunts)
(Gerry whimpering)
(Gerry shouting in agony)
- Who is-- oh, ah.
- Jesus.
GERRY: Oh, no, Betty!
- Who is this guy?
LARRY: He's just this biker guy.
- Betty, no!
- It looks like Chester
went too far this time.
GERRY: [whimpering] Who would--
who would do this to you?
Not-- not Betty!
You goddamn son of a bitch!
- Is there a problem, Gerald?
- I swear to fucking Christ,
I'm gonna tear someone's
fucking head off.
- Oh, someone put a crotch
on your crotch rocket.
- Did you do this?
You think this is funny?
- Oh, at least you won't mix
it up with anyone else.
- (gasps)
- Jesus.
(grunting)
- Not funny, man.
RACHEL: Guys.
GERRY: Fuck you!
RACHEL: Guys, guys, stop it.
GERRY: Who would do this?
- Can we just talk about this?
- You want some of
this, little man?
I'm gonna cut you up, man.
(grunting)
- What's he doing?
(grunting)
(tense music)
- Chester.
♪
- [shouting]
I... was... just...
fucking... with... you!
(Gerry whining in pain)
[concerned]
Oh man, oh man, oh man.
♪
(groaning)
Gerald, are you okay?
(groaning)
♪
Gerald, things got
carried away, man.
Are you okay, man?
(groaning)
Are you okay?
You okay?
You okay, man?
(Gerry whimpering)
GERRY:
Please, Chester, please.
- You need to learn
to take a joke.
(squishing, Gerry screaming)
♪
- Chester.
♪
CHESTER: [concerned]
You okay, Gerald?
Are you okay?
You guys, I don't
think he's all right.
Gerald, Gerald!
RACHEL:
What happened?
CHESTER:
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, fuck, no.
He had a knife.
You saw, right?
He was gonna kill me.
Gerald!
He's dead.
I killed him.
Holy fuck, I fucking
killed someone.
- We have to call the police.
- No.
- Everything's
gonna be all right.
- No, it won't.
I'll take care of it.
(tense music)
LARRY:
What are you--
what-- what are you doing?
(Larry and Rachel pleading no)
- I'll call.
♪
(relieved sighs)
Once I make this phone call,
it's gonna change my life.
Larry, can I ask you
to do something for me?
- O-okay.
- Will you go get me some vodka?
♪
- Some vodka?
Okay, okay.
♪
- One last drink
before the long walk.
♪
- All right, okay.
(panting)
(Chester dialing phone)
(phone ringing)
CHESTER:
Hello, Sheriff's Department?
There's been a tragedy
at the Pink Motel.
My friend is dead.
♪
[sobbing]
It was an accident.
♪
(Larry and Rachel panting)
LARRY:
Holy shit, I can't believe
what the hell is
happening right now.
- We have to call the cops.
LARRY: Huh?
- Now.
- He said that he was
calling them already.
- You think he
really made that call?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Give me your phone.
- Huh?
- Give me your phone.
- Right.
- God, come on.
- Call, call, call, call, call.
- I am, I am.
(phone ringing)
OPERATOR:
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
- Hello, hi, uh, yeah,
I'm calling from the
Pink Motel and Lounge.
- I wanted to report--
OPERATOR: Um, yes,
the sheriff's
already on his way.
Are you currently in danger?
RACHEL: No, not this
second, no, but, um, uh,
can you just make sure
that he--he's quick?
OPERATOR:
Yes, I'll let him know.
- Okay, thank you.
I guess you were right,
he, uh, he made the call.
What are you doing?
- I'm-- I'm-- I'm getting
him that-- that vodka.
RACHEL:
What?
(dramatic music)
(gasps)
Oh my God, oh my
God, oh my God!
(eagle screeching)
- Looks like
it's Johnny and Sherrie.
(tense music)
♪
Now I know you're
probably thinking
this elderly couple was
horrendously murdered
in the motel that
they owned and operate.
(glass shattering)
And you're right, they were.
But not by me.
♪
(clattering)
Turns out Johnny here
was a world-class pervert.
JOHNNY:
I like to watch 'em fuck.
- He had hidden cameras
installed in every room.
(glass shattering)
JOHNNY: Dumb fucks
don't know I'm watching.
- And he was getting
away with it for years
until good old
Chester came along
and realized that something was
rotten in the state of Denmark.
I figured it out!
♪
So I confronted him about it!
SHERRIE:
You're a bad man, John!
CHESTER: And when I did, Sherrie
felt the years of betrayal
of not knowing that her
husband was a pervert
and she took out a knife.
SHERRIE:
I'm gonna kill you!
- And she started
stabbing Johnny.
JOHNNY:
Not if I kill you first, bitch!
- And he started strangling her.
And there they were,
both of them,
intertwined in this...
embrace of death.
♪
Killing each other.
(Johnny and Sherrie screaming)
♪
It was the most honest
expression of marriage
I've ever seen in my life.
But you gotta believe I didn't
have anything to do with it.
Do you believe me?
(breathing anxiously)
- Yeah, I believe you, Chester.
Let's get you that drink, huh?
- I knew there was a
reason I liked this girl.
RACHEL:
Shots all around.
Well, you're not gonna make
me drink this by myself.
Hmm?
(shot glass clanks)
- I was right.
What was it that Gerald said?
It's rude to leave
a drink that...
someone poured for you.
Oh, by the way, you never
told me your sister's name.
I looked on your Facebook page.
(bottle shatters)
- [shouting]
Run!
(tense music)
LARRY:
Fuck, my keys are in the room.
RACHEL:
Mine too.
LARRY:
My room, my room.
RACHEL:
Over here.
Oh my God.
LARRY:
Fuck, where the fuck are they?
RACHEL:
How am I supposed to know?
♪
LARRY: Fuck.
RACHEL: No!
Oh, shit.
(tapping on glass)
Oh my God, oh my God!
♪
(Rachel whimpering)
LARRY:
No, no, no, no, no.
RACHEL:
What are you doing?
(grunting)
(door locks)
♪
- What?
- He's still there.
(sighs)
♪
RACHEL:
Oh, God.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
(panting)
(Chester laughing)
(police siren wailing)
♪
- Oh, God.
♪
RACHEL:
We have to warn the sheriff.
- Fuck that, that
sheriff hates me.
♪
- Sheriff, you have to help us!
- Don't move.
- What? No.
No, no, no, it's just us
from before, remember?
- The two of you
on the ground now.
- You-- you don't understand.
He is crazy.
- All right, you've got
to the count of three.
One.
Two.
LARRY: Okay.
- Three.
CHESTER:
Thank you for coming, Sheriff.
- My God, sir,
are you all right?
What happened?
- She hit me in the
head with a bottle.
(whimpering in pain)
- Did you hit him in
the head with a bottle?
- Yes.
But... he killed those
people in the diner,
and-- and he killed a
guy, the body's just--
(tense music)
- God damn it.
- Oh, God.
- I knew it was a bad idea
not to take you in earlier.
Face down.
Right now, on the ground, now!
LARRY:
Officer, it wasn't us.
SHERIFF:
I'm taking you in for aiding
and abetting an idiot.
(Rachel groaning in pain)
(cheerful ding)
Hey, hey, don't do it,
don't do it, don't do it!
RACHEL:
Larry!
(Larry screaming)
(taser zapping)
[shouting]
RACHEL: Larry!
Stop it, stop!
Please stop!
(Larry convulsing)
(laughing)
- What are you laughing at?
- I'm just fuckin' with you.
That was priceless.
- What are you talking about?
- I mean, it took a lot of work
to set this up.
- I told you, he's a psycho!
- Hey, shut up.
You're gonna get your
chance, all right?
(choking)
(dramatic music)
(gagging)
♪
- Sheriff, are you okay?
Are you okay, Sheriff?
Are you okay, are you okay?
Are you okay?
Sheriff, Sheriff, I'll help you.
You're okay, man.
(Sheriff gagging)
Sheriff, are you okay?
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's all right,
it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay,
it's gonna be okay.
(gasping)
Well, I never killed
anyone like that before.
Larry, you gotta see this--
♪
(laughing)
RACHEL:
Get up, Larry.
(Chester whistling)
(taser zapping)
What the fuck are you doing?
- My bad.
RACHEL: Larry, Larry, get up!
Larry, get up.
- Well, Larry, I'm sorry.
This trigger's loose, man.
(Larry panting)
- Leave him alone!
(whistling, zapping)
[screaming]
Stop it, stop it!
- No, you stop it!
RACHEL:
Leave him alone.
- Larry, can I help you
to the car, man?
Here, I'll open
the door for you.
(Larry groaning)
Larry.
(Larry groaning)
(zapping)
RACHEL:
No! Stop!
(door closes)
(tense music)
♪
(whimpering)
CHESTER:
Now you.
♪
(Rachel breathing heavily)
♪
- Oh, God, please.
♪
CHESTER: Bang!
(screams)
♪
[no audio]
♪
- Please.
♪
(sobbing)
♪
No.
(whimpering)
♪
(knife scraping glass)
♪
(Rachel sobbing)
♪
(music intensifying)
♪
- The surgery was a success.
RACHEL: [shouts]
Get the fuck away from me!
Get away!
- Rachel, where you going?
I'm just trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
You need your keys.
I'm trying to get you
to the wedding on time.
(intense music)
♪
- Oh, God.
Larry, are you okay?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
(car starting)
LARRY: Go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL: Oh, my God.
LARRY: Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL:
Are you okay?
Hey, hey.
♪
- Drive safe.
- Fuck you, Chester!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
RACHEL:
Oh God.
He's a fucking serial killer.
Oh, my God.
(loud bang)
What the fuck is that noise?
(party horns blowing)
What's happening?
Come on!
Oh, come on!
[whispering]
What the fuck.
Oh, God, oh, God.
Come on, come on.
Oh, no, come on!
(laughing)
(tense music)
Okay, okay.
(Chester laughing)
Larry, get out.
Come on, come on.
(Larry groaning)
RACHEL: I got you.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe
it fucking worked.
- Come on, Larry.
Oh, get up, Larry, get up!
CHESTER:
I'm on fire.
(party horn blowing)
RACHEL:
Oh, God, Larry!
- Go.
(panting)
I'm sorry.
(party horn blowing)
CHESTER:
Hey, guys, wait up!
- Go, go, go.
(Chester laughing)
LARRY:
I'm sorry.
(eagle screeching)
(groaning)
[screaming]
RACHEL: What the fuck are you giving him?!
- Laughing gas, of course.
(laughing)
No, no, no, no, no,
don't, no, no, no!
- Don't you fucking move!
- No!
(shrieking)
[screaming]
No! No, no.
(gun clicks)
One, two, three.
(groans, gun clicks)
Four.
- You fucking...
- Five.
- ...monster!
- One more is six.
(gun clicks)
(gun clicking)
(frustrated screaming)
(grunting, coughing)
- Get off me!
- Get off me! ♪ Hush, little
baby, don't say a word ♪
♪ Chester's gonna buy
you a mockingbird ♪
(Rachel stops whimpering)
♪
[distorted]
You should know by now, Rachel.
I was just fucking with you.
♪
(crickets chirping)
(water lapping)
(eerie music)
♪
- Am I dead?
♪
(eagle screeching)
(King Harvest,
"Dancing in the Moonlight")
♪
KING HARVEST: ♪ We get
it almost every night ♪
♪ When that moon
gets big and bright ♪
♪ It's supernatural delight ♪
♪ Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ♪
CHESTER:
My friends,
our guest of honor is awake.
♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry Adams!
Larry, if you fall in,
you're gonna drown.
You can't move your arms yet.
It's too soon.
Just relax, my man.
I won't be able to save you.
I can't swim!
(distorted noise)
- Who are you?
CHESTER:
I am Judgment.
I am Wrath.
And you, Larry Adams,
have been judgmented.
- That's not a word.
CHESTER: How do you know, Larry?
Do you have a thesaurus
on that raft?
LARRY:
I don't feel well.
God help me.
CHESTER:
God is helping you, Larry.
He loves you!
This is the way
He wants you to be.
Welcome to my
Hawaiian luau, Larry.
You are my guest of honor.
Here's your golden lei.
(eerie music)
Oh, God.
Listen, Larry.
I'm not gonna lie to ya,
I gave you a mega
dose of ayahuasca...
and some other things.
♪
You're gonna be feeling
a little woozy.
♪
You okay, man?
- Who am I?
CHESTER:
That's why we're all
gathered here tonight,
to find out who you really are.
You're in a
very safe space, man.
I'm a trained shaman.
LARRY:
Where's Rachel?
- Oh, Rachel's fine, man.
She's just changing
into her bathing suit.
[distorted]
Perhaps we can go check on her.
[in a deep voice]
Let's put the ceremony on pause.
[normal]
Listen, Lar-Bear,
there's one more thing
I need for you to do.
It's very important
for your transition.
- Okay, what is it?
- You kinda fucked things up
for me tonight,
if I'm being honest.
I had a fun evening planned,
and then you came along.
You're the rarest of things.
- What do you mean?
- Understand this:
You're a man completely
devoid of a sense of humor.
You're a dour curmudgeon
with a scorpion sting.
[distorted]
You're the April Fool.
(piano music)
- I am.
I know I am.
- I want you to tell me,
in all your newfound,
drug-addled glory,
who you really are.
Tell me who Larry Adams is.
Not the bullshit duality
that you hide behind,
not the mask you
present to the world,
but the real you.
The real you.
♪
- Okay.
- Good boy.
♪
(eerie music)
(panting)
♪
What do you think?
On the bed?
- I don't know.
- Yeah, on the bed.
Sorry, I'm not much
of a camera guy.
Okay.
♪
- Okay, I'm ready, I think.
- So, let the truth
surge through you.
(phone beeps)
Tell us both who
you really... are.
[whispering]
And action.
- I'm a troll.
(tranquil music)
I...
Literally, I'm a troll.
♪
I mean, on the outside, I'm--
I'm nice, I'm... meek,
I'm affable,
but on the inside,
my heart is full of bitterness.
♪
I've never fit in.
I'm on the other
side of the glass,
always looking in.
CHESTER:
This is fantastic, man.
Let it out.
Continue.
♪
- You know, when I was young,
I just-- I never had the
ability to talk to other kids.
♪
I never knew what to say.
♪
It's like I'm a prisoner
in my own head,
and it makes me hate people.
♪
So...
♪
I created ProgrammingFlaw.
(dramatic music)
He could do all the things
that I never could.
I could be free.
He can destroy people with
a single push of a button.
- Sounds like a hell of a guy!
LARRY:
Oh, he is.
He's formidable.
He's everything that I'm not,
and he's the only one
who ever had my back,
Rachel aside.
(upbeat music)
- Thank God you have her.
LARRY:
Deep down in my soul,
I know who I am.
(music darkens)
♪
- So who are you?
♪
- [whispering]
I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
(intense music)
♪
(demonic laugh)
- Scene.
Lay it on me, man.
(dramatic beat)
- We're beyond handshakes.
- [echoing] You fully embrace
the real powerful you.
I'm proud of you, Flaw.
You did it!
(laughing)
(drawer opening)
(exhaling)
(Chester laughing)
(clattering)
(lighter flicking)
- Hey, can I see Rachel now?
- Here's the deal.
For every action,
there's an equal
and opposite reaction.
Newton's third law of motion.
Rachel would call it karma,
Larry would call it payback,
I'll just call it
fucking funny, man.
[shouting]
Rachel, come on out!
She's just in there.
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(eagle screeching)
No, no, no.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
(eerie music)
[weeping]
No, no, no, no, no!
Rachel!
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
♪
No!
(sobbing)
You said she was okay.
You promised me.
(sobbing)
♪
- The transition wouldn't have
worked otherwise, PFlaw.
You wouldn't have
learned anything.
- Why?
- Why not?
(sobbing)
(phone chiming)
(laughing)
(Larry continues sobbing)
You want to know what's
even funnier than this?
I just posted your
pathetic confession
and sappy letter to Cindy
on the wedding forum.
Comment highlights:
"Pathetic note, bitch.
Of course she'd never marry you.
Get a life, freak.
What's wrong with you?"
(sobbing continues)
"You're just really pathetic."
(sobbing)
Oh, here's a good one.
It just says, "Die."
(laughing)
And here's one
from Cindy herself.
Ready?
"You are a monster..."
CINDY:
...a monster.
I never even liked you.
CHESTER:
"You're pathetic."
Wow!
She really hates you, Lar-Bear.
(deep breath)
(laughing)
What?
(Larry continues laughing)
- Do you know what?
(laughing)
I was wrong about you.
(laughing)
Oh my God, you are funny.
I mean, I...
(laughing)
I mean, I-- I see it,
man, I get it all now.
All of this was genius.
(laughing)
I mean, you're like Mozart, man.
You're like the
Mozart of comedy.
(laughing)
- I've been waiting all
night for you to say that.
- You're hilarious.
(laughing)
I mean, you're a funny fucker.
(laughing)
I mean, those guys,
Gerald and the Sheriff,
what is wrong with them?
They should've been
laughing too, man.
Oh my God, that dead couple?
I mean, they just
flat-out deserved it.
(tense music)
(laughing)
Oh, wait, are you
filming this right now?
(laughing)
CHESTER:
Oh, we serial killers
like to keep souvenirs.
(both laughing)
PFlaw, you're a
breath of fresh air
in a slaughterhouse.
♪
Ahh.
(Larry chuckles)
But all good things
must come to an end.
Any last requests?
(gun clicks)
♪
- Well...
(chuckles)
I don't want to die here.
(laughing)
I mean, I don't want
to live anymore.
♪
I don't want to die here.
♪
Let's go to the wedding.
Huh?
All three of us.
(laughing)
♪
I mean, there's--
there's a hill
overlooking the festivities.
I mean, imagine the look
on their dumbass faces
when we rock up.
I mean, just me
and Rachel, dead,
just tumbling down
a hill towards them.
(both laughing)
Now that...
(Larry chuckling)
(eagle screeching)
That would be fucking hilarious.
- Are you just fucking with me?
- You tell me.
(funky electronic music)
♪
(groaning)
- Where you going?
- Let's take Rachel's car.
I'll drive.
CHESTER: You want to drive?
- Oh, come on, Chester.
Rachel would never
let you drive her car.
Rachel! Rachel!
Would you let Chester
drive your car?
Rachel says, "No fucking way."
(chuckling)
Come on, Chester.
Your aura seems
a little jumbled.
♪
Look, man, I just wanted to say,
thank you for everything.
(laughing)
Keys.
(keys jangling)
Let's roll.
CHESTER:
I'll fuck anything that moves!
(intense music)
Or doesn't move.
Sorry, Rachel.
(laughing)
♪
RAPPER:
♪ Get your face wrapped up ♪
♪ Smacked up, we hold it down ♪
♪ Drag you in the gym and I
plan to cut that ass down ♪
♪ Metal shards, my blade
slicing your windpipe ♪
♪ Strobe lights flashing,
fury's blinding my eyesight ♪
CHESTER:
Rachel, do you have to pee?
(both laughing)
(rap music)
♪
(mellow music)
♪
- Chester, can I
tell you a joke?
- Absolutely, man.
- So there's these two idiots,
and they're driving
down the road.
CHESTER:
And?
- Okay, and they're
called Larry and Chester.
(laughing)
And Larry's sister is
sittin' in the back,
woop, not sayin' a word.
(laughing)
- I like it already.
Rachel, be quiet for
the punchline, okay?
(laughing)
- And then Larry says to Chester,
"If you could be anything
in the world right now,
what would you be?"
And-- and Chester replies,
"Well, I don't know,
what would I be?
- I don't know,
what would I be?
(laughing)
- "Well," says Larry,
"you'd be Rachel's dog."
♪
- Rachel's dog?
(laughing)
LARRY:
Yeah, that's right.
Chester would be
Rachel's dog, Hercules.
(panting, barks)
(Larry laughs)
(Larry barks)
(panting)
(laughing)
Now Chester says,
"W-why would I be Hercules?"
- W-why would I be Hercules?
- "Well," says Larry,
"Rachel just loved
Hercules so much
that she had him
ride up front with her
in the passenger seat."
In fact, just right there
in your seat right there.
CHESTER: [mumbling]
Oh, you're so thoughtful, Rachel.
LARRY: I mean,
it wasn't exactly legal,
but she just loved
that dog so much.
CHESTER: Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
Almost as much as she loved me.
She always wanted
to keep him safe.
So, she made an
alteration to the car!
(laughing)
(both laughing)
♪
- What's the punchline, Larry?
- What's the punchline?
Oh, Chester.
The punchline is that
because of Hercules
♪
Rachel disabled the airbags
on one side of the car,
Chester's side of the car.
♪
Now I'm gonna drive us
into a fucking wall.
- You wouldn't, Larry.
LARRY:
You're right.
Larry wouldn't have the balls.
But I'm ProgrammingFlaw.
(engine revving)
(screaming)
♪
(crash, groans)
(dogs whimpering)
CHESTER:
To the beautiful sound
of laughter.
(dark rap music)
♪
RAPPER: ♪ Yo, blood spray
and the blood splatter ♪
♪ She loves the way I'm looking
when I come and the
paint splatters ♪
♪ She's an open book that I
can read but I'd rather fuck ♪
♪ I don't want to talk no
more, I just want to nut ♪
♪ This is where we both hold
hands to the bitter end ♪
♪ But fuck that,
let's walk through hell
to see how this ends ♪
♪ Now I'm staring at myself
in the broken glass ♪
♪ Thinking how I
let you slip away,
I'm still wanting that ass ♪
♪ If I get one more time,
I'll let you know ♪
♪ How I want to kill everything
that you try to grow ♪
♪ How I want to fuck every
part of your wretched soul ♪
♪ How I want to break you
inside and make it slow ♪
♪ I ain't got a gun in my
hand, just fucking raw ♪
♪ She ain't got a
bullet in the chamber
but she got all sheen ♪
♪ Gotta beg me to come
disassemble her ♪
♪ When she wants a man, I'm
the one that convinces her ♪
♪ So take it in your mouth,
baby doll, this is elegance ♪
♪ Watch it as the world
burns in this irrelevance ♪
♪ If we could die together,
free the blood of
the excellence ♪
♪ Girl, 'cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood
that you spilled ♪
♪ We the bosses,
make 'em black ♪
♪ Flooding my intensity and
dive in your hornet's nest ♪
♪ I love you till it burns,
that's the part that
can kill us both ♪
♪ To blow apart our particles
and lower this overdose ♪
♪ I'm hellbound, that
or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hellbound,
that or I'm heaven-sent ♪
♪ With the blood
that you spilled ♪
♪
LARRY:
I'm just fucking with you.
(eagle screech)