I'm Coming (2019) - full transcript

Sorry.

Right son, you're nicked.

What, what is that voice?

Well,
it's just a policeman's voice,

why, do you not like it?

It's just a bit,
get out of my pub.

Shut it, you slag.

Shh!

Don't shush me, lad,
I'm a police officer,

in fact you're the one that
has the right to remain...

Shh, no, seriously.



What's up?

I thought I heard
something downstairs.

And I think I can see
something downstairs.

No, I thought Pete had come
back, but his car's not there.

Just relax,

it's probably just the
cat or something, yeah.

I haven't got a cat.

- Well, a dog then.
- I haven't got a dog.

- A rabbit?
- No, look,

I haven't got any animals.

Shit, there it was again!

Go and see then.

I'm scared, you go.

I don't know
where the kitchen is.



It's not upstairs
in the attic, is it?

Um, look, it's your
kitchen, you go and look.

Okay, we'll go together,
but be quiet.

Hey, who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are we?

We're the fucking
people who live here!

- Yeah.
- Well, he doesn't, but.

You're a copper?

No, I'm not a real policeman.

Then why the fuck
are you dressed like one?

We were.

Hold on,
are you a copper as well?

I said I wasn't
a real policeman.

Hey, shut up, man!

Shut up!

Hey, that's one of my knives.

Shut the fuck up or I'll
carve the pair of yous.

Now move over here, come on.

Hey, come on!

Why have you moved us over here?

I don't know,
I've seen it in a film.

Listen, police officer!

You tell me what's going on.

- I'm not a real policeman.
- Then why the fuck

are you dressed like one?

You're one of them, aren't you?

No.

Well, we're two of them.

Well, seeing as you like
things up your arse so much,

I think you're gonna enjoy
what I'm gonna do with this.

- No, see I'm the top.
- Shut the fuck up!

My God, look over
there, it's Meghan Markle!

What?

That worked quite well.

Very well.

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I thought you were meant
to be straight acting you.

Shut up, what
are we meant to do now?

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

There's a burglar just
been knocked unconscious

by a rent boy dressed as
a policeman in my kitchen!

Hey,

I am a high class escort,

technically he's not a burglar.

Shut up,
I am calling the police.

No, no, no, wait, no,
you can't call the police.

If you do,
they're gonna wanna come here

and they're gonna
wanna take statements

and there might be a court case

and I can't afford
for anybody to know

that I've been here with
you, Kieran would murder me,

if he knew that I'd been
shagging about behind his back

and then there definitely
would be a court case.

Fuck!

And forgive me, because
I don't know Peter,

but I'm guessing
that he's not gonna be

that thrilled about
all this either, is he?

No, you're right, so
what are we meant to do,

just sit here and play
Buckaroo, until he wakes up

and starts dicing us
like roasted pheasant?

Pheasant?

Chicken then, whatever,
what are we gonna do with him?

Look, he's outside the law,
isn't he?

We've no connection to him,
no responsibility towards him,

nobody except the two of us
even know that he's here.

I say that we just dump him

and let him figure
it out himself.

He'll come back.

What for,
the sparkling conversation?

I don't think so, mate.

Look, he's made a
botched burglary attempt,

he's had a nasty knock to
the head from a copper.

You're not a copper.

And he's gotten away with it

without being handed
over to the police,

I'd just think myself lucky and
drag myself back to my cave.

- Okay.
- Here, pass us that chain.

Just in case.

Of what?

Pheasant.

You should change.

I wish I could, mate, but
it's just part of my nature.

Wait, you mean my clothes?

Right then.

You know, I was just thinking,

it's funny really, 'cause now
we're not calling the police,

I won't be the only copper,
who's not coming tonight.

What are you doing?

I'm making a drink,
do you want one?

No, thanks, I'm driving,
even off duty, I'm a good lad.

How are you so relaxed?

We need to think of what
we're gonna do with him.

He's hardly any
threat to us now, is he?

I mean, if you think about it,

we could do anything we wanted
to him really, couldn't we?

I'm not including him in
one of your sordid sex games.

Sordid sex, thank you very much,

you weren't saying that
10 minutes ago, were you?

Quite a lot has happened
in the last 10 minutes,

hasn't it?

I didn't mean sex games anyway,

I was just thinking
that we could give him

a bit of a slap about a bit.

He is quite cute though,
in't he?

- Fuck!
- What?

You know that you were concerned

about him like waking up
and slashing us and that?

Yep.

Well, I've got
some good news on that score.

What?

He's dead.

I beg your pardon?

- He's dead.
- Well, are you sure?

Well, if he's not, he's very
good at holding his breath

and heartbeat.

Christ!

No, no, no, don't touch him!

- Why not?
- Because you haven't yet

and if this becomes
a murder case.

Fuck!

If this becomes a murder case,

you want the less
evidence the better,

you don't want your fingerprints
or DNA anywhere near him.

- But you touched him!
- I know that!

Fuck!

Stop saying that!

But I can't go to prison!

I'm a vegetarian and everything,

I can't even watch "Lion
King" without getting upset

when Mufasa dies,
I can't go to prison!

You're not gonna go to
prison though, are you,

'cause you've not
done anything wrong!

I have,

I'm a murderer.

Hey, hey,

- you're not a murderer.
- I am.

You're a manslaughterer.

Well,
thank you very much indeed,

that's a whole lot better.

No, what I mean is it
was a self defense thing,

he came at you with a knife
and you defended yourself.

Yeah, you think that'll
go down in court, do you?

When they say,
so tell us what happened

on the day in question,

I'll say well, he came after
me with a carving knife

and I managed to distract him

by telling him that Meghan
Markle was behind him,

then I hit him over the head
with a policeman's truncheon.

Don't think so, mate, this
isn't Carry On Cosplay.

What are we meant to do then?

What other options have we got?

When you think about it,
nothing's really changed.

What do you mean?

Well, when we made
the plan to dump him,

he was still alive,

the fact that he's dead
now doesn't really matter.

I think it matters
quite a lot to him.

No, I mean, he could've
died after we dumped him.

So you wanna just throw him out?

Well, look,
we were going to anyway,

there's still no
connection to us,

nobody knows that he's here,

nobody knows that
we know each other,

there's no motive.

But there'll be DNA on him.

Well yeah, mine maybe,
but not yours,

all you need to do is
wipe that chair down

and mop that floor and
look at the bright side,

you get your knife back.

No, there'll be
fluff and dust on him

from me and Peter and...

Maybe, yeah, but the
fluff and dust department

of the police station
won't know the difference

between your fluff and dust

and the fluff
and dust of everyone

whose ever traveled on
the 219 to Warrington.

Look, what I mean is those
tiny little particles

could've got on him
anywhere during the day,

I'm telling you, there's
no trail, there's no proof,

it can't come back to us.

I don't know,
what if someone sees us?

Well, obviously we'll have
to drive out of town, won't we?

I can't drive.

But I can, you'll have
to come with me though.

What, no,
I don't want to, you do it.

Fuck that!

What if I get caught?

I take all the rap and you
get away with it Scott free,

I don't think so, pal.

Well, what if Peter comes back?

Yeah,
because nipping out for a bit

is far worse than getting
buggered by a policeman

on his bed, come on, man!

You did this, if we
both get pulled on it,

it's you in the wrong, not me.

Says who?

- Me.
- Your word against mine.

And the CCTV.

What, where?

There and there.

Fucking hell!

Who has CCTV in their house?

Rich people.

- Why?
- Because of this.

So I'm not coming,

so you're gonna have to
sort it out yourself.

Alright, alright, fine,
I'll do it on my own,

but I'm gonna tell everyone
that I was here when it happened

and that you put me up
to it, you encouraged me

and you and I have been
having this really weird,

sick, sordid affair behind
your husband's back,

really sick shit as well,

I'm gonna tell them that
you like being called Nipper

and that you crawl around
on your hands and knees

and that you ate dog food

and you'll lose him and
you'll lose the money

and you'll lose the house

and you'll be on
trial for murder, ha!

You wouldn't.

Yes, I fucking would, Nipper,

unless.

Unless what?

Unless there was
more in it for me.

- Like what?
- Like an incentive.

What do you mean?

Well, look at this place,

you're hardly shy of a few quid,
are you?

Big house, nice cars,
cordless Dyson.

What is your point,
Lloyd Grossman?

Hush money, a one-off
payment, I get rid of the body,

we never see each other again.

What?

You can afford it living here,

you've probably gone through
more cards than Dynamo.

- Who?
- And Daddy,

sorry, hubby will pay it
off, no questions asked,

probably won't even notice,

I'm assuming he's a little
bit older than you are.

I'm not paying you.

You'd better start
looking for somewhere else

to live then,
hadn't you, murderer?

How much?

Where's your last
credit card statement?

Just so I know how much
I've got to play with.

You've got balls.

You should know, sent
you enough pictures.

Your middle name's Julian.

Hurry up, I want you out.

Five grand.

- Fuck that!
- Come on,

it's not enough that
he'd notice it missing

and it's enough
to keep me quiet.

And I'll never see you again?

Never.

And you'll delete our
conversation history?

Here and now and you delete
all the CCTV footage as well.

Don't worry,
I'll get rid of that.

No, do it now,
so I know it's done.

Fine, come on.

Deleted, done.

And the bank transfer?

What's your sort code?

Pheasant.

What a twat.

Yeah, it was kind of him
to leave the door open.

Well, made it easier for us.

Hey, it's me,
did you get the footage?

Yeah, we've got it.

Good work, officer.

Thanks, sarge.