Il ginecologo della mutua (1977) - full transcript

The 15th National Congress of midwives and gynecologists.

Ladies' Doctor
(Gynecologist in public service)

My body is my business!
Freedom to my body!

I own myself!

The situation is that lira keeps going down, and it
should be strengthened at least a bit.

Hello!

-I didn't know you had such a grown-up son.
-He's not my son, this is my son in law.

-You know, my son in law.
-I understand.

-Please excuse me.
-I'll be seeing you. We have something to discuss.

Look, there is a Swiss German in here. One of those
that are always rushing and want to ... Well, you
know.

-And they want to transfer money to a Swiss bank.
-Actually, yes. Now what have we got to do about
that?



I want to hide a small bag of sound currency in a safe
place, so no one can find it.

-Yes, there are such places.
-Certainly! Certainly! So, ask him how much money
he could carry away.

I will. I will.

-Professor Soalesti, hello!
-This is my son.

-Good day.
-Good day. Nice to meet you.

-Tell him...
-We were just talking about that business.

Sehr gut. Ja,ja.

-Gher Professor. My father-in-law 'send' 'marken', in
cash, to the bank in Switzerland.
-Ja, ja.

I'll meet you at the hotel then.

-I'll come to the hotel with the money.
-I'll see you then.

Bye.

-Did you understand everything?
-I understood everything. Don't worry. Everything's
OK.

-Will he... ?
-Don't worry.

Professor, I brought you the report for Congress, as
you requested.



The speech is for twenty minutes or so.
I'm talking about abortion as a medical and social
problem.

-Well, you know, birth control, social aspects.
-I understand. It's just what we need. You did a good
job.

-Besides, I used some information about the method
of Bartolini.
-I see.

-Oh Lord, he's here, dressed in white as always. Don't
turn around
-And what's wrong?

Nothing. I just don't want him to see me.
I owe him. Not much, but I owe him.

-I don't think that he needs that money so badly.
-Listen, he's seeking investors here.

-But he's building his own clinic.Why does he need
all that?
-I'll explain to you everything about that clinic.

-Guido.
-Yes.

-I've been looking all over for you. We need to talk.
-I see.

Professor Cavendish!
Advocate Natisone!

Nice to meet you!

-Guido!
-What's wrong now?

We must resolve this issue immediately, otherwise
we'll go to jail.

What else have you done?

Don't pretend. It's all your fault. You got caught for
fraud.The construction of the clinic is under arrest.

-We've been sequestered, don't you get it?
-And my money? I have so much money invested in
you.

You're crying for that money?
You'd better think, who will send you packages in
jail.

-Ok, ok, I'll settle everything.
-Think, think. And think carefully.

Who would have thought that this scumbag Arlotti
will give us such trouble.

Of course, you owe him 200 million lire.

-Do you think you could talk to him?
-He's just crazy, he has freaked out.

And then you've been pulling his leg for almost a
year with that baby-story.

By the way, is his wife really barren?

Barren? No, it's just because Arlotti can't get it up.

-I see, Arlotti can't get it up.
-Go ahead, laugh, after what you've done to me.

-Me?
-And who brought me that Arlotti?

What have I got to do with that?
I'm not a gynecologist, I'm a lawyer. I sent him to you
as to a gynecologist.

Besides, everyone was happy with the opportunity
to clear that money through him.

Funny, we got involved into a very funny story, you
and I.

I thought it all up, I'll arrange everything.

-You'll just have to leave Italy for 2, 3 or better 4
months.
-How?

Like everybody. Like all the presidents, ministers,
deputies and kings do.

-But you need to find a place where they don't
extradite.
-I can't seek for political asylum.

Well then seek for the economical one.

And what if I talk to Arlotti myself? I'll call him.

Don't waste your time.
You'd better think where to slip away.

Easy for you to say.

Nothing worked out with the clinic, and that's all
there is to it, but what about my practice? I can't lose
it.

-How much time you say?
-2 or 3 months.

It's a suicide.

My practice is like a hen that lays the golden eggs.
My colleagues will have all my customers taken away
by that time.

-Perhaps you have someone whom you can trust
your job?
-Trust?

Good afternoon!

Where can I find one? He has to be either a complete
idiot or have balls to...

-Which one?
-See that guy?

-Let's go! We mustn't lose him.
-Wait!

Wait! Stop!

-Doctor!
-You're doctor... doctor... wait, let me remember!

-Franco Giovanardi.
-Right, right!

-You recognized me at once.
-And do you know who I am?

Professor Guido Lo Bianco.

-And me?
-Now that I can't remember.

-Of course. We don't know each other.
Advocate Natisone.
-Nice to meet you.

Let's talk. It's an urgent matter.

You're very lucky. You can say you were born with a
silver spoon in your mouth.

How much do you make in your hospital? Per
month.

Per month? 3 or 4.

-3-4 million per month?
-No, 3-4 thousand lire.

-What a moron?
-What?

-I said so little?
-That's the standard rate.

And I get 400 thousand lire a day.

-No.
-Yes.

You'll see.

When you have my job, it's natural.

-Yes?
-Yes.

So, I'll see you in my office at five o'clock. Don't be
late. I need to leave urgently.

-My God, forgive me. I'm so excited.
-Don't be!

-Isn't there any way to postpone that departure
somehow?
-If he does, he'll get nailed.

-Why?
-Just kidding?

Deal.

-This time it will be a boy. Are you happy?
-Yes, I am.

-Thank you, doctor. Sorry, I just didn't know whom to
leave them with.
-Don't worry, Senora. It's my pleasure

-And here she is.
-That little rascal.

-Come on, move.
-Come on, move.

-All the children are the same. They sure have sticky
fingers.
-Luckily I have you here, Giovanna.

-So, who's next?
-Me, doctor.

This is not a hospital, it's a brothel.

Hello, yes, this is doctor Giovanardi's office.

Hurry. Soon my husband will return. If the dinner
isn't ready, I'm done.

Is that you, senora? Your husband's busy now.

Are you already in Rome?

I see, you came to have some rest.

You know your husband is just a holy man.
The job in insurance medicine is simply a vocation.

-Was that all?
-When you start talking about your husband, I lose
the ability to do it.

-I thought that would get you excited. Look what
that pig has done to me.
-He has a mouth of a hippopotamus.

It's not what you thought. It's just because the shirt
wasn't ironed.

It's getting better and better.
Be silent, otherwise they'll hear us.
Don't move, baby. Come to me.

Damn it! You're driving me crazy.

Come to me. Come to me.

Hurts. Come to me. Come to me.

We naturally have the same brothel here.

I wanted to say we have a lot of people coming and
going.

Come to me, my baby. I've been working all day
long, can I at least have some fun with you?

Turn around a little, turn around.

Give me something sedative, please, otherwise I
won't be able to work any more.

Of course doctor. No patience can be enough in
here. Some clients are simply a continuous stress.

But the work is above anything else, isn't it?

Especially, such a hard work. As the saying goes...

-Giovanna!
-I understand.

We made a right move, that's what we need.

Anyway, Guido, don't you worry, it's an ideal
candidate. Everybody will believe him.

Everything's just perfect.
See you.

Don't leave the situation out of your hands.

Whom do you mean by the word ''situation''?

-You just said something shouldn't be left out of
one's hand.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm just forcing you to stay after the work.

If I had such a beautiful wife and such an ugly
secretary ...

But no. The terrible secretary also must be paid.

And this way it's both beneficial and excitant.
You're my wife, and you're beautiful.

More than just beautiful.

Very beautiful. You're my wife, right? My beauty?

-You could cheat me with a secretary?
-Me?

For heaven's sake.

You kissed me on the nose.

What a bottom?

Who is it?

What do you mean, who's there? It's me, the
landlord.

-We locked the door to avoid surprises.
-Surprises? What surprises?

-I won't tell you.
-And who the hell are you?

-Dino, who is it?
-It's your husband.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I should have said 'Oh God, it's your husband'.

Isn't that funny?

Not to me.

Is this the tomb plunderer himself?

Dino is a famous archaeologist. He is quite
successfully selling amphoras in Switzerland.

Ok it's your business, but if I catch him in
Switzerland...

What a nice surprise?

-When will you be back?
-At 9 p.m.

Behave yourself.

Calm down. What's wrong with you?

Did you forget our agreement?

-No contacts between husband and wife.
-I thought the marriage will change you.

-Besides, Dino's here.
-Let him watch. At least he'll learn how to do it.

What are you two doing?

-There he comes.
-Damn it.

Look Dino. If you need to go, don't be shy. Go.
Everything's fine.

Yes, you can go, Dino.
When you sell out everything, call me.

See you. Say 'hello' to your husband for me.

Fuck you.

Asshole.

-Franco, what's wrong with you? Go accompany him.
-Yeah? And then what?

Since you're standing there, why don't you give me a
hand?

-Why should I? It's your problem.
-My problems. And whom does the money go to?

-Lots of money?
-So you got interested?

No, I don't give a shit. Damn, hurts.

Great! Go on, break it all.

Careful, these things are very fragile.

Ok, I'll be careful. Go on, smart guy, open the bag.

That's a good work.

Go and don't tell anybody you were here.
If they stop you, tell them you are the Santa Claus.

I almost forgot. Dad, asked you to call him back.

Could you telephone earlier? I've waiting for half an
hour.

Yes, he's here.

He's ready. Asleep in the chair.

And may be he's not asleep, but pretending to hear
what we're talking about him.

You have no idea, how much that alcoholic drinks.

Tomorrow they'll stop him at the airport and force to
pay a fine for smuggling alcohol.

I'm not saying how much he ate.

He snores like a trooper.

If he doesn't wake up, we'll have to leave him here.

We agreed that tomorrow morning you will go to
the hotel with ...

Not a word, don't say a word. You'll take to him, let's
say, the stamps, the postage stamps.

Do you know what happened to me in Congress?

How did you manage to lose those pages, you idiot?

Cretin. What did I teach you?

-Sorry daddy, I'm just desperate.
-Stop calling me 'daddy'.

And here comes Franco.

-Hello.
-Good afternoon.

I'll be with you in 2 minutes, Senora Arlotti.

Have I already introduced you?
You can depend on her in everything.

Do you receive here?

-Yes.
-Ok, I got it. It's like a villa.

-I told you.
-Sure.

Now everything is at your disposal. Make yourself
comfortable.

Pamela, bring us another whiskey.

-No thanks, Guido, I don't drink.
-Nonsense.

-I'm not used to that.
-A little alcohol will not hurt anyone. It increases the
pressure.

That's a fine start. I was already on needles, and now
I'll also have to drink.

Listen Franco, Pamela will explain everything to you.

You can't go wrong with her.

I got it.

I have to tear off.

I understand you have to tear off, but Guido I haven't
yet decided whether to accept it or not.

Haven't you decided yet?

Well, I'll do it.

-We need to stop the treatment.
-Oh no, my husband will be very displeased.

I understand, but I need to leave, my aunt is sick.
I'm leaving here my deputy.

And who is it? The gentleman that came in with you?

Yes, now excuse me, I'm in a hurry.

No wait, if you vouch for him, I can continue with the
treatment.

Sure I vouch. He is an excellent specialist.

You will not be disappointed, I assure you, he is at
your complete disposal.

Patients are mostly capricious here, they invent their
different diseases themselves.

They like to talk, and the most interesting thing is
that many of them won't mind to...

Listen Pamela, and is there anybody here who really
needs a gynecologist?

Let me see. Yes, senora Arlotti, by the way, she's
already here.

Yes, I've seen her.

Anyway.

Let's see.

At 18:00 countess Badineri, at 18:30 Senora Belotta.

At 1 9:00 the senator Lenore's wife.

By the way, senora Arlotti you've seen, is not like the
others.

What do you mean by that?

She is too modest, closed, she was too young when
she married a man who was much older than her,
and so she remained a virgin.

-So if you're ready, I'll call her.
-Thank you.

Good luck!

So, young lady, be a nice girl, I'll just take a look at
your tummy.

I'm a doctor, don't be afraid of me.

Can I call you by name?

Tina, isn't it?

Now Tina will be a nice girl and will let me have a
look at ...

-Doctor!
-Yes.

Excuse me, but why are you talking to me as if I'm a
retarded child?

I know everything about the relationship between
men and women, and heterosexual erotic games.

Finally someone smiled.

My husband took me to some serious professors, it
was awful.

Actually they are my esteemed colleagues, aren't
you ashamed?

Those boring old men with gloomy faces, no, you are
not like them.

Doctor, shall I undress?

Yes, I think you should.
You have to undress.

I'm used to that.

I've been doing it for 2 years.

You talk as if you are a professional stripper.

Is that funny?

I'd like to see you in my place when they are probing
you with those sweaty muddy paws.

Tell me, senora Arlotti, or, if I may, Tina!

What are your complaints?

My husband really wants a child.

We've been married for 2 years, and nothing.

I see.

And how often are you having ... well...

How often are you and your husband making ... ?

I think only on first Sundays of each month.

With me on top.

Make yourself comfortable.

Good afternoon, professor.

Your son is busy now.

Could you ask him when he'll be free?

Sure I will.

Doctor, your dad is here. He's very angry.

Don't say 'dad'.Tell him it's professor Massone.

Professor Massone came to see you.

Will it take long?

Dear daddy, I mean, professor Massone.
Good afternoon!

I brought you something, so that you pass it to the
Swiss. Could we step into your office for a minute?

No, we can't. My patient is dressing there.

In case that Swiss leaves, I've got in here all the ...

all the postage stamps.

What? You mean the complete series?

What series? Oh yes. Yes, sure. The postage series
with the image of Giuseppe Garibaldi.The Massone
collection.

Anyway, today you must ... Well, you know.

The Italian Series.Take it to him at the hotel.The
Swiss flies today precisely at 1 1 :00.

-Who? Me?
-Well not me for sure.

-Ok. I'll take it to him.
-It's already 2 hours I've been waiting for you. I'm not
going to spend the night here.

-But we opened the office only half an hour ago.
-This is not going to work out.

Excuse me senora. And did you make an
appointment?

I didn't know I had to make one.

Senora Guellecci is about to come.
She has made an appointment.

Yes, I remember her.

I have an urgent matter. My husband has left for
Monterotondo, so I decided to bring the girl.

Senora, we need to go to some place too.
Why don't you come back tomorrow?

All right. I'll examine the girl and then go there.

I'm worried for my daughter. Her breast has become
swollen. She's suffering so much.

I should really examine her and then I'll still have
time.

Yes but I have marks in here. It's urgent business.
What are we going to do?

I'll examine the girl, let her mom calm down, and
then I'll go.

No, I don't want this one to examine me.

-By 'this one' you meant me?
-Yes.

-Why?
-Because his face doesn't inspire confidence in me.

Poor girl. With such a face like this how can he
inspire confidence? I don't sympathize with him
either.

I would advise you to consult another gynecologist.
That way we'll solve the problem.

-We should get into a plane soon.
-We are all victims of transport. With such traffic jams
everywhere.

-Are you a gynecologist?
-Can't you say that?

-Would you like that gynecologist to examine you?
-Sure.

-Your mom is not here. You can relax.
-At last.

Now go on. Undress and lie down on the couch.

Why do you wash your hands?

Because this requires hygiene. Also by force of habit
because...

Take off everything.

What?

I don't know. What are you wearing?

Take off your panties.

-I'm not going to take anything off.
-Why?

Because I don't wear anything.

You don't?

No. You see, it's outdated and out of fashion.
Besides under these silk skirts panties only cause
discomfort.

Well, I still wear briefs.

Funnily enough.

Nobody wears bra either.

But I think some still do.

Nobody does, I assure you. Even I don't wear bra.

-Here, see?
-Girlie, what do you say?

Do you want me to go off into hysterics?

-And out of my mind?
-No.

Then cover yourself.

Are you shy?

I would surely be embarrassed to show you mine.
What am I saying?

Button yourself up! Just look at yourself!
Go on!

-Let's not think about it any longer.
-Are you sure you aren't thinking about that?

Look, girlie.

What are you doing with your leg? Are you insane?

What is he doing to her?

What do you think he's supposed to do to her?
Examining, of course.

-That long?
-He will examine her as long as it's required. Calm
down.

Holy Madonna, how long will it take?

I already said 'as long as it's required'

-Senora?
-Yes.

You can come in now.

Open the door to your mother.

Please come in, senora.

No, don't close. You wait outside.

-Why are you turning her out of doors?
-I'm not. I just asked her to wait outside.

-Please tell me the brutal truth.
-That's why I called you.

Well, you see, your daughter is a virgin.

Thank you Jesus!

But that's not all.

She's pregnant, for two months already.

-Pregnant?
-Pregnant.

-For 2 months?
-Yes.

-Virgin and pregnant?
-Yes.

So she's like Madonna.

Yes, like Madonna.You only have to find St. Joseph
and wait for Christmas.

-That island is very far.
-Naturally.

-It's not even marked on the map.
-Great.

Now please sign here.

This is the power of attorney for an indefinite period
made out in name of Giovanardi.

Our old friend.

God himself sent this guy to you.

We'll play a joke on him.

Go on, sign. Let's not waste any time.

I almost agree.

Don't think, just sign. And don't forget to leave me
the car keys.

-Keys to the Mercedes?
-We'll write it in his name, and the car is saved.

-See? I've got it cinched.
-One more thing. It's very important.

-I'll need some currency.
-No shit.

Can you change at least 1 check for me?

Please,just a little bit.

Guido! Please.

What a beautiful hand?!

It tells of the nature and strong will.
Are you Taurus?

You have guessed right! I am.

I'm Virgin.Take a look.

Not now.

Did you mean the zodiac sign?

I see.

Please, not that.

Goffredo also uses rubber all the time.

So your husband is a traditionalist?

Goffredo is not my husband.
My husband is Capricorn.

I'm sure he is.

Goffredo is Sagittarius.

And everybody knows that Sagittarius must enter
the maiden.

Yes, it's natural.

But he hasn't been touching me for three days
already.

Really?

Maybe he changed his preference?

But probably not, because Uranus has not yet
entered...

Now let's have a look at the mound of Venus.

No.

I want to ask you not as a doctor, but as a man.

Kiss me, please.

Will that do?

Harder.

Was that OK?

More.

Lie down on the sofa senora.
Someone might come in.

Take me, doctor. Take me.

I'll try as hard as I can.

I can feel Mercury rising.

Fulfill your duty as a doctor.
What a Taurus you are.

And what about the decade?

-What? Do you want to check the horoscope?
-Tell me the decade.

33.

Excuse me doctor. It's just horrible to make love
today.

Do you know that today Plutone will be in the aura
ofVenus?

Damn him, that Plutone.

Undress and lie down.

Watch your tone?
Signor Lo Bianco didn't act that way.
How could he leave a deputy like you?

If this doesn't serve your turn, get dressed and don't
waste my time.

No one will believe me. I'm not a cow at
veterinarian's.

I watched your medical history.
You are totally healthy, like the one that came before
you.

I will not allow to jeer at me, do I make myself clear?

What are you yelling at me? Could you please raise
the back?

That's right, darling. Now examine me.

Stay cool. Don't be nervous. Show me what you're
made of.

Tired?

What a bitch of a day!

What are you doing tonight? Going to the movies?

No way.
I'll go home, have a snack and go to bed.

I understand you're a homebody.

Excuse me. I need to change.

If you want, I could drive you home. We can have
dinner together.

I can't. My boyfriend is waiting for me today.

He is a terribly jealous type.

Well...

he's right about that. How can I contain myself?

Undoubtedly this work has its pleasures.

Economic benefits and all the other advantages.

You bet! 30.000 lire per day.

What did you say? I didn't get it.

No, I didn't say anything.

By the way, doctor, I always forget to ask you if
you're playing golf.

What?

Do you play golf?

I did several times.There's no way I could get into
the field.

Pity. Senor Guido used to play every Monday.

Selected exclusive society, right contacts.

So many rich and interesting people.

It's simply necessary for business.

You'll see, they'll invite you all the time.

Do you like it?

Everything's clear. I'm an asshole.

Damn it.

Who are you?

-Are you the deputy of professor Guido Lo Bianco?
-Yes.

I have nothing to do with that.

So who is going to pay for all this?

I'm sorry but I don't quite understand what you're
talking about.

You don't? Will you understand this?

The overdue checks for 200 million that Guido gave
to me.

And what about the 300 million, which I laid out my
own pocket to pay the construction company.

Arlotti?

Yes, I am. I'm Arlotti.

-It seems it doesn't bother you too much.
-Certainly.

No one has ever managed to deceive me.
I will not allow you to fool me. I'll smash everything.

-You shouldn't worry so much.
-That's no concern of yours.

I told you that you shouldn't worry too much.

Tachycardia. Be careful.

Probably 1 30, 1 40 beats per minute.
If you don't take care of yourself, you'll get a heart
attack and bye-bye Arlotti.

What shall I do, doc?

First of all, stop worrying, stop drinking, quit
smoking.

No, never. I'm very sorry doctor, but you must give
me a child.

-Me?
-Yes.

See? When you're nervous you start babbling.

There will be a nice family room in here.

There won't be any family room? There won't be any
clinic.

You've examined my wife. I want a baby.
Take care of it. I paid in full.

-I'm not sure if I can.
-Surely you can. Don't be modest.You're an excellent
specialist.

I took her everywhere, to Zurich,Vienna, London,
Paris, Geneva.

I even took her to that old moron, Massone.

-My father in law?
-I'm sorry, I didn't know that.

-That's Ok.
-All of them are not competent enough.
I won't begrudge any funds for my son.

I built this hospital in the first place for him.
If only Lo Bianco were not such a bastard ...

What a pity? $ 500 million invested and all came to
nothing.

I'd love to talk to you about that, but unfortunately
I've got to go.

The wealthy have their quirks too.

-Hello Giovanna...
-You have a visitor. He's waiting for you.

The inspector?

Are you completely worn out?

-Giovanna, what are you getting at?
-Sorry, I didn't want to offend you.

Give me the log book, please.

-Log book?
-It's time to restore order in this office.

There are about to come lady Cecilia, lady from the
upper floor, the wife of the fishmonger ...

That will do, Giovanna.

Enough for today.

-How is it going, my dear inspector?
-Say it's bad.

-Is it your liver?
-Doctor, it says here that you have had 71 5
outpatients.

-Let's not talk about it.
-No, let's talk.

71 5 outpatients, after the deduction of day offs it
turns out 28 patients per day.

-Yeah, I've done quite a work!
-You're a record breaker.

-But your record will not be approved by the Health
Committee.
-Why not?

If we go into details, it will be even worse.

Let's take the 1 st client for example.

Cesaroni Antonietta.

7 kidnappings.

Suspicion of ectopic pregnancy.

Ectopic pregnancy? There certainly could be
suspicions, because that senora is 79 years old.

I would never give it to her.

Doctor, I will have to write a report. So is it going to
work out?

I know how. We're in Italy after all. We'll make a deal.
You're doing your job, I'm doing mine...

-Doctor, I have a sore down here. Is it serious?
-Let's hope not. I'll take a look.

Ok, I'll undress.

Go on, undress.

It's all because of my husband, Peppino.
He is running wild all the time just like the devil.

-How often do you meet during the week?
-We actually live together.

I know that, I meant meeting at night.

You mean how often he fucks me? All the time.

Look at that Peppino.

I would not try blame him, I can't say I'm dissatisfied.

Does it hurt?

-I know it hurts now.
-A little bit.

-And now?
-It hurts as well.

That Peppino is very naughty.

-I'm Peppino.
-Who?

-My wife's inside.
-Oh, they're about to finish. Come in.

Two tablespoons per liter of water, three times a day.

-Doctor, is it bitter?
-No need to drink it, just syringe.

-How long?
-Long enough, senora.

Come in.

May I?

Everything's fine. Don't worry.

Please allow me to thank you.
These are fresh lobsters.

-I can see they are.Thanks.
-Thank you doctor.

-Good-bye.
-Have a nice day.

There she comes.

-Good afternoon. Is the doctor at his office?
-But you haven't made an appointment.

-Can't we do without it?
-Excuse me. Doctor.

The masseuse has arrived.

-Let her come in.
-I'm not going to eat him after all.

Who knows...

-Where did you find such a boorish fool?
-Stop it.Why did you come?

-To pay you for the visits.
-First of all.

Look how beautiful he is.

Oh, God! He's so fat and fluffy.

He's actually my son.

I was just kidding. He's cute.

If it were not for you, he wouldn't be the same.

Don't say. We really had to sweat that day.

If you only knew how happy I am, doctor. I never
wanted to have a permanent man, but now I have a
goal in life.

I'm happy for you.

You know, doctor...

those poor things that stand along the highway, for
them it's even worse than for me.

At least I have a house, work, attention.
I am a professional masseuse.

I thought you only manicured.

Yes, but the masseuse is much more elegant.
I have such clients.

If I may, I'm not some kind of contagious.
I'm the purest sample.

Don't make me laugh.

Sagarro Rosalia, the Malpeliatti widow.

Say it again, please.

Sagarro.

The Malpeliatti widow.

Where were you born?

Embass.

Embass.

Ambos.

Will you pay in cash?

Excuse me doctor, but who else will come to you
twice a week?

It's a place associated with old memories.

Everything's fine.

Thanks.

If you wish, I could...

No. Not today.

Senora, would you like?

No.

Only after a night of love.

My husband, let him rest in peace, told me you can't
do it before that.

I see.

Is there anything that disturbs you?

It's a complex problem, doctor. Do you have time to
listen to me?

Of course, I'll always have time for you. I think
nobody else will be coming today.

-Means we are alone?
-Absolutely.

The door.

The door.

Lock it. I feel shy.

Ah, yes.

-May I?
-You must.

Doctor, the problem is...

you probably understood from my accent that I'm
not from Rome.

I'm from Sicily.

In Rome I plead for my husband's pension.

Let him rest in peace.

It's been a year since I lost him and haven't been
leaving the house.

I live with his parents.

They are provincials.

Doctor, come closer.

Come closer.

They say that if I pass on the street, all men will start
looking at me.

They're actually right.

Doctor, I beg you.

Don't flirt.

Do you think I'm healthy, doctor?

At first glance, yes.

Well, I'm not, doctor.

I'm suffering. I'm losing weight.

I wouldn't say so.

I didn't know whom to turn to.

Somebody told me about you.

So I came.

God!

Your hand is so warm, doctor.

Excuse me.

Leave it.

Leave it that way.

Senora, I think I won't disappoint you, but you'll have
to help me.

Tell me, what are your symptoms?

Doctor, at night I can't close his eyes.

-And if I do...
-Then what?

Nightmares, doctor. I'm having nightmares.

What kind of nightmares?

And what happens when you wake up?

When I wake up...

my heart beats.

I'm on fire.

My legs are trembling.

Here?

Here?

Higher.

Here?

Higher.

Here.

Oh yes.

Don't worry.

That was great. I never felt that good with my
husband.

What can I say?

Sometimes it happens that between two people
there isn't ...

So we have it between us.

Careful.

-Are you hurt?
-No, this is a modern chair.

-Calm down.
-I'm stark calm.

-What a bitch of a day! Right, Pamella?
-Don't say.

A lady is about to come.

You haven't seen her yet.

What is this?

A tablet to raise the spirits.

Here.

Don't be afraid. Drink it.

Come in senora. Please.

Good afternoon.

I have just returned from Australia and found out
that Guido has left his office to you.

There are so many good references to you. They talk
about you with such enthusiasm.

Make yourself comfortable.

-Good afternoon, doctor.
-Good afternoon.

-Who is it?
-Giovanardi, Guido's deputy.

He looks like a duck. And Guido is so elegant.

Shall we go?

-Didn't you know that Guido escaped?
-How couldn't I know? I know that he has left a pile
of debts.

I'm not upset. He behaved like an idiot with my wife.
I wish I hadn't lent him any money.

Same thing with mine.
I think his deputy is a good guy, he can be trusted.

-I never would have believed it.
-Yeah.

He's a bit unhewn but has what it takes.

I can assure you.

Watch it.

Here I come. How is it going, my dear doctor?

Fine.

Have you became a member of our luxurious
metropolitan club?

That's your merit.

My modest contribution.

-Do you mind, advocate?
-Go on.

What a big beautiful butt?

-Do you know her?
-She's my wife.

-Hi.
-Hi. Have fun.

-Listen.
-Yes.

Guido left me a power of attorney.
We're writing in your name both the Mercedes and
the office.

I'm going to see Arlotti. It seems he has decided to
put an end to the clinic.

I already have Guido's office, his practice, his job, and
what is more, the clinic.

It's a clinic of international class after all.

And that means luxurious life, constant parties,
beautiful women and a lot of money.

Thanks, doctor.

You'll have a lot of customers, I assure you.You'll get
the place going.

Thanks. But I don't want to go to jail.

To jail? In Italy nobody goes to jail.
Even those who have to live there without leaving.

We only need to think of the right trick to save that
clinic.

Happy to hear that.

Good for you.

Please, do it for Guido. He'll be back soon and will
take care of everything.

-Do you understand me, Franco?
Can I call you Franco?
-Sure.

-You can call me Augusto.
-Augusto?

-Then I'll leave the formalities.
-Sure.

-Then I say, you can go fuck yourself, Augusto.
-Why?

I know what these kind of tricks involving Guido and
a lawyer like you end up with.

Do you know what the point is?

What is the point?

The points is that Guido has fled because of debts.

-So you know everything?
-I certainly do.

Pietro Massone told me.

What a snitch! Spy and informer.

My father-in-law represents my interests.

It's surely a pity.

It could turn out to be a very nice clinic. You have
invested money too, haven't you?

Me?

Yes, I have invested.

And who will now return to me all those millions?

You know I don't know why...

but I'm going to help you.

-Maybe because I sympathize with you.
-Thanks.

I treat Tina Arlotti.

Really?

-Don't blurt it out.
-I already know that, Pamella told me.

You will need to tell Arlotti that the office is mine
now, the practice as well, and the clinic, too, must
belong to me.

Good move.Very elegant.

It would be better for everyone. Arlotti couldn't
stand Guido anyway, and for you he'll build a super
clinic.

But I want 50% .

It's fabulous. It doesn't matter if you want 50 or 60% .
You did well! Even I couldn't do better for Guido.

For Guido?

I think you got me wrong.

Accountant Balloni is here.

-Tell him to beat it.
-Oh my God, that's my husband.

-I'm sorry to interrupt, doctor.
-That's OK.

I decided to come for my wife.

She's already getting dressed.

Hi sweetheart. I felt you were coming.

Hurry, or else I'll be fined for parking. Doctor's car
occupies the whole way.

-What car?
-His car is very small.

Guard told me that the Mercedes belongs to doctor.

Mercedes? It can't be.

Doctors cry all the time, but drive Mercedes.

Good-bye.

-Good-bye.
-Don't forget about the treatment, senora Balloni.

I certainly won't.

Don't worry. You don't have any problems.

What do you mean 'don't worry'?
With the child I got 20 million.

Were you selling?

No, we had a deal with Guido. He got 20% and
something else.

You're insane, babe.

Look at that Guido.

20% , plus extra.

He needs to feed his family. Three kids, jealous wife.

My aunt would have killed him.

Your aunt?

Yes, my aunt. Who's his part-time wife.

What will you lose? Confirm that I'm pregnant, and
get your 4 million.

Listen.

Perhaps I sell myself, but not to that extent.

Why are you mad?

Look.

You don't tell her anything. I call her myself.

She won't call you. She'll call Pamella.

So Pamella's in this too.

Sure, but she only gets 2% .

There's something else you can have right now.

Go away! Go away!

Mimi.

How much did you say?

I said 20% and something else.

-Thanks. Good night.
-Good-bye.

Good night.

Please!

Can you imagine Mima making me such proposals?

Of course it's human nature to doubt.

-Really?
-It's important to divulge them as soon as possible.

-You talk as if it is a contagious disease.
-Fortunately rare in our days.

What are you doing?

It will be more comfortable for you, Pamella.

I'm already used to.

Of course you are, since you've accepted Mimi's
proposal.

Right. The scoundrel who uses that poor girl must be
punished.

-Look at this!
-Yes, Pamella, I'm looking, I'm looking.

Not there, doctor.

See how much is left on our bank account.

I'm glad you trust me in banking business.

I'm happy that you trust me either.

I'm glad that you are happy.
Otherwise you wouldn't go with me to such place.

They come here in pairs.

You even bring them here? Don't you have enough
at work?

How terrible it will be if a thief or a bandit climbs in
here.

If I were a thief, I'd be more interested not in your
bag, but in you.

Oh, you don't smoke either.

-Why are you laughing?
-I remembered an interesting story when I was on
duty.

If it's so funny, then tell me.

It's simply incredible.

A widow came to my office one day, I believe she
was from Sicily.

By the way, my mother is from Sicily too.

-Sorry, I interrupted you.
-That's ok. Damn, can't undo the button.

Anyway, this Sicilian widow came to me and said at
once that she never smoked.

Only after intimate encounters.

They are very strong.

But I like it.

If you want to know, Franco ...

Here, too, you surpass Guido.

I spit on them. I won't give them the boat.

I'll get to the president himself.

-What shall I do?
-Take this boat and go anywhere you like, even to
the Cote d'Azur. Anywhere you like.

-Tina, bring guests another drink.
-Don't trouble yourself. It's a contraband after all.

Why does it hurt here, doctor?

Poor Paoletta.We'll have to take a look.

-Where is it?
-Right here.

Here? A bit lower? I see.

It's the only thing you're thinking about. And you
too, doctor.

Dear senora Tina. It's not just a profession.

It's a mission.

Isn't that right, Paoletta?
We must be ready to treat at any moment.

Take these lobsters to senor Arlotti.

Just look at this.

What a doctor!

-He hasn't just done it only to her.
-Oh God!

I'm telling you for sure. He was on Arlotti's yacht.
He's been seen there.

I've heard he also works in another office. All those
who have money go there.

-Have you already told everybody about it?
-No, I'm saying this only to you.Who do you think I
am?

What a doctor! What a dick! What a stud!

-He certainly is.
-That's for sure.

-This is for you, professor.
-Thank you very much.

Yes, Giovanna. I don't remember.What?

It's a very bad line.

Oh, I remember now. But why are you whispering,
Giovanna?

Now I remember.

Professor, I can't yell, otherwise they'll hear me.

-A terrible thing has happened to your son-in-law.
-Is he dead?

No, but he has got a Mercedes.

Who knows? Could have bought it in a sale or stolen
somewhere.

Not only that. He bought himself new clothes, a
whole new wardrobe. But with what money?

I saw he had golf balls.

But that's not all, professor. He also has a mistress.

And who is that ... decent woman?

Arlotti's wife. But I didn't tell you that.

Mara.There's something I'd like to tell you, my child.

Guess who has got a mistress?

Your cuckold-husband.

Franco has a mistress? I won't believe it even if I see
with my own eyes.

-I'll tell you who she is. Arlotti's wife.
-Who? Tina?

Yes, everybody has been aware of it for in ages. So,
you'll have to get a divorce.

But let's not rush. First write everything in your name
and then only get your divorce.

Otherwise, you're risking to lose everything.

I still have to explain everything to her.

So where were we?

-Professor, hurry. He's coming out.
-Say hi to him for me.

-Say hi? To a baby?
-The baby? You should say 'he's being born' and not
'he's coming out'.

-You're awful?
-What have I done now?

-You don't understand.
-Why?

It's an excellent opportunity to be free of your
husband.

Stupid. It's much easier for both of us.

Where am I going find such a jerk like Franco?

I'm free to do everything I want. Come on.
We are having fun anyway, aren't we?

We can't marry, it's all the same.

How long will this society accept only the outdated
union between a man and a woman?

Do you understand or not?

I've got it cinched. No sweat.

He tried to change the conditions. He said it's too
much money.

But after all he gave up.

We got Arlotti. Understood?

Fifty-fifty. Satisfied?

-And the money?
-What money? He'll lay out everything.

What have you decided regarding his wife?

What have I decided?

I don't know. Acupuncture, for instance.

I'm a lawyer, you're a doctor. You decide.

Now shut up and listen.

If you don't do anything with Guido's unpaid checks,
then this won't work out.

Of course I know such things. I'll have to explain it to
you. You're taking 5% . Remember.

And tell Arlotti this must be the best clinic ever.

The most important women of Rome and entire Italy
will be laid up on these beds.

What a type!

In comparison with him Guido is just a boy.

He'll do us all.

Is it true that women simply jump on him?

Unfortunately, not all women are as loyal as you are,
my dear.

Tomorrow evening at nine. Tuxedo is not mandatory.

I've been invited to Princess Serenella Partolani's
place to play bridge.

And who will be there?

Her brother, a priest, a president of real estate
company, and general Pirlo.

And we will have only two ambassadors, a couple of
presidents and deputy ministers.

By the way, the Deputy Minister of Health may
awake your interest for your new clinic.

You're tempting me.

My husband will be very upset if you let us down.
Although he's the kind of person you should let
down.

-Really? Why?

I don't even want to talk about him.
I don't understand him anymore.

-What awful bruises? Did you fall?
-No, he whipped me with his belt.

Why?

-Does he beat you?
-Of course, that's why I married him.

He has changed a lot since then.

I gave him a whip made of elephant hide, but he
hadn't even tried it yet.

-What's this? The crisis of family life?
-I don't know senora. It's not in my competence.

Make yourself comfortable. And I'll examine you.

I have no pains at all. I'm a gone woman.

You can still drive mad any man.

Really? So would you give it to me?

What would I give to you?

Please. Give me a slap. Avery little one, so that I can
feel myself desirable again.

Women!

That's not fair. I wanted it to be real, like this.

So you're asking for it.

Harder. Yes.

Yes, my love. More brutally.

Let's enjoy it together.

I'm going to give it to you.You will enjoy it at
dentist's later.

I'm not a gynecologist. I am a maniac.

Understood?

Hello, this is doctor Giovanardi's office.

Professor has a meeting at this office now.

I think it will take some time, they've just started.

It's the first round, let's say.

Do I have anything left?

-Ah, senora.
-Keep it for your rich clients.

I'm not any worse.

-I don't understand.
-There's nothing to understand. Start doing it.

Otherwise when my husband comes, I'll tell him you
raped me.

Isn't your husband Peppino who always wants to do
it?

But he's nothing in comparison with you.
Now take out your dick.

-Senora.
-I'll scream.

I'll do it.

That monster is looking at me all the time. I can't go
on like this.

While you caress me, he won't bite you.

Then I'll bite you.

-Good-bye, doctor.
-Good-bye senora.

Oh God!

Who's next?

My gosh! Just look at it.

-May I?
-Come in.

Good afternoon, doctor!

I'm the daughter of Countess Donatelli.

My mother speaks very highly of you.

Really? She's very kind...

One moment.Valeria.

This is my younger sister.

-Nice place!
-Nice to meet you.

Will you examine us now?

By turns or together?

Together. It's more interesting.

See you, stallion.

Damn you all. They'll finish me off.

Why didn't I become a dentist?

I'd be sitting by the dentist's drill and watching into
somebody's mouth.

Who is it?

-Giovanna, no.
-Yes, doctor.

-I can't do it anymore.
-I'm on fire, doctor.

-Here, here, here and here.
-Please, I can't.

I'm on fire.

-No time, no money.
-Perfect.

-I work 10 hours a day in that hospital.
-Perfect.

-I haven't even got an hour to go out with a girl.
-Perfect.

Yes, it's perfectly ridiculous. If it wasn't for a nurse
who's in love with me, I would probably have gone
nuts.

-Hope she's ugly?
-God, I can't complain. Girls that beautiful don't
come that easy.

Why don't you try to work in clinic instead of that
hospital?

Tell me another!

Doctor Giovanardi has had a nervous breakdown.
Too many patients means too many demands.

He needs to have some rest. He's been working
night and day.

Just wait till you see the new doctor.
His credentials are this good.

He's fresh and full of strength.
I wonder where it comes from.

-Giovanna.
-Yes, doctor.

-Who's next?
-The next patient. Let me see. But senora's over
there...

She needs to rest. She's smoking a cigarette.

-Is she?
-She won't be long.

-Then we'll wait till she puts it out.
-She's almost finished.

-See that? Now that at my time of life.
-Not bad.

And since I've learned good news about Tina...
No father would feel prouder than me.

You talk like an old man. Look at me, you're in a
good shape.

-You look six-months-pregnant.
-Six?

-We'll reserve a room for you in our new clinic.
-Perhaps we should.

I want to try again.

-It's a pity there's a tree in the way.
-Damned tree.

-But it won't stop me.
-Watch your horns.

-Franco, help me to button.
-Of course, senora Natisone. It'll be a pleasure.

It's very nice of your husband to let us have this
opportunity.

Here you go.

You're a devil.

-Thank you, doctor. Good-bye!
-Good-bye! Say hello to advocate.

-Hi Tina. I've heard the news. Congratulations.
-Thanks.

-Good afternoon.
-Good afternoon senora.

-Senor Arlotti.
-Professor.

How is our mummy doing?

Shall we have a look?

-Are you worried?
-None at all. He's the best professor in Italy.

We'd better hurry, your husband is waiting.

He'll wait, don't worry. He's used to it.

Ok, let him wait. After all I've been waiting for this
clinic for a long time.

Then he can wait too.

Here's to our baby.

Who would ever have thought? At my time of life be
so much carried away.

No, I'm sorry. Everything's choked up for this week.

Will monday suit you?

Great.

Yes, the professor is already accepting patients in his
new clinic.

-You know what I'm going to do? I'll divorce and
marry you.

No, sweetheart. Horns look better on your husband.

What's going on in there?

Don't worry, professor knows what he's doing.

I'm sure he does.

-Listen signorina.
-Yes.

-Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?
-I can't say. But it will be a charming baby for sure.
Just like the father.

Why is it taking so long?

It takes time. It's a very complicated case.
I think it'll be over soon.

Professor promised me that he'll be watching her
during the entire period of pregnancy.

And of course the first baby born in this clinic will be
my boy.

My son.

I'll be examining you every day.

I will be your gynecologist for life.

We'll have many children, and they will all be as
beautiful as you.

And as intelligent as you.

But let the first one be a boy.

Certainly.

We'll call him Guido.

Guido?

In honor of Guido Lo Bianco.

I owe him a lot.

And he owes as well.

I gave him the opportunity to open a private
hospital in Polynesia.

-Hey, postman. Any news from Italy?
-No.