Igor (2008) - full transcript

extracted and edited by rogard

# And every time it rains
# It rains pennies from heaven

# Don't you know each cloud
# contains pennies from heaven?

# You'll find your fortune falling

# All over town

# Be sure that your umbrella
# is up-up-up-up-upside down

# And trade them for a package
# of sunshine and ravioli

Nice weather we're having, huh?

Here in the kingdom of Malaria,

every day's forecast is rainy
with a 100% chance of horror.

It wasn't always like this, though.



Years ago, Malaria was
a sunny land of farmers.

Until the mysterious storm clouds
rolled in and never left.

They killed our crops,
and our people became poor.

And that's when King Malbert...

thought up a new way
for us to make money,

Evil Inventions.

The kind that crush you, kill you,
bring you back to life,

then kill you again,
way worse.

We invent them, and the world
pays us not to unleash them.

Oh, It's a great gig, especially
if you're an Evil Scientist.

Fame, fortune,
a rent-free castle in the hills.

They get it all.
They're the top of the heap.

Igor! Pull the switch!

Yes, Master!



And the bottom of the heap?
Those are the poor slobs like me,

born with a hunch on our back, Igors.

Actually, that Igor's not me.

Igor! Pull the switch!

Yes, Master!

No, no, no,
that's not me, either.

That's me. See?
I look nothing like those other guys,

much better-looking.

Anyway, all Igors are forced
to serve Evil Scientists.

Our life is a permanent graveyard shift.

But I never wanted to be an Igor.

I always wanted to be
an Evil Scientist.

Unfortunately, the hunch on my
back was a one-way ticket

to Igor School.

I majored in Talking With a Slur
and graduated with a Yes Masters Degree.

Then, it was off to find a job.

Hi, I'm here about the "Igor Wanted" ad.
My name's Igor.

Well, of course it is.
I've got a hunch on my back.

What's my name gonna be? Kevin?

They didn't
appreciate my creative style.

But eventually, I landed a job
for Dr. Glickenstein.

Pull the switch!

Not the smartest scientist.

His last invention was an Evil Lasagna.

It didn't kill anyone.
And it actually tasted pretty good.

Igor!

Igors aren't allowed to invent,

but I still manage to work
on my own inventions in secret.

And this new one is gonna be
the one that proves

that I'm the biggest Evil Genius
of them all, and not just another...

Igor!

Once they see what I can do,
I'll have a whole new life,

and I'll never have to answer
to another master again.

Sorry Master.
What did you say?

Oh! I mean...

Sorry, Master.
I was in the bathroom.

Had a bat stuck in the belfry,
if you know what I mean, Master.

I don't want to hear your
toilet memoirs, you cretin!

I give you five minutes a week
to take care of your business.

I'm not running a resort here!

Now get over there and...

Pull the switch!

Yes, Master!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Who's the failure now, Mother?

Mummy, Mummy, you were right!

I was never meant to be a scientist.

I should have been a plumber like you!

That was the first time
he was right all day.

You! Go find me a 16-gigawatt
temporal transducer!

Excuse me, Master, are you sure
you don't mean 21-gigawatt?

You're correcting me?

Strike!

I should do more improv.

My hunch.

Oh, there she goes. Much better.

Good evening, friends!

That's Scamper,
one of my most successful inventions.

I made him immortal.

Which is kind of a hassle for him,
since he doesn't want to live.

Will nothing end this vicious cycle?

I also made him talk.

Which is a hassle for me,
since he never shuts up.

No fair!

You wasted your immortality formula
on the wrong guy, Igor.

That's Brain, one
of my other inventions.

Legend has it when the smartest
man in the world died,

they put his brain in a jar.

This is not that brain.

I wanna live forever!
I got plans! And dreams!

I got a squeaky wheel!
Was that me?

Really, Brain?

You want to be trapped in an
endless existential nightmare,

forced to keep living,

even though life is meaningless

and nothing matters?

Possibly.

What exactly did you say?

Too bad he wasted his intelligence
formula on me, too, Brain.

Or should I say "Brian"?

Hey! I was in a hurry!

Stupid permanent marker.

Enough.

The Evil Science Fair is in a week,

and Glickenstein is gonna lose again.

Okay, I get it.
You want me to fix his invention.

Now I'll just need a screwdriver,
some nails and my bag of marbles.

Don't touch his invention, Brain.

Fine! You don't want the
benefit of my brain power?

Then, farewell, Igor.

Like a gentle fawn,
I shall leave this meadow.

On second thought
maybe I'll stick around,

so I can watch Mr. Smarty-hunch

fix Glickenstein's invention.

I could! But you know
what would happen if I did!

The same thing he'd do if he
found out I invented you two.

He'd recycle me.

Can you imagine being chopped up
and used for body parts

and God knows what else?

Horrible.

Dang it!
Still here.

If I had my shot,

I could be one of the greatest
Evil Scientists Malaria has ever seen.

They'd all cheer my name

just like they do for the
great Dr. Schadenfreude!

And now your
master of disaster, the chief of grief,

a man who needs no introduction,

but who will brutally
torture me if he doesn't get one,

Dr. Schadenfreude!

Thank you thank you.
You're too kind

And I'm not.

But I want to welcome you all to my
annual pre-Evil Science Fair party.

My girlfriend Jaclyn.

You know, she may seem like

a shallow, conniving wretch...

That's all I got.
That pretty much sums her up.

A toast to the undefeated winner
of 17 Evil Science Fairs

and the greatest Evil
Genius in the world.

Bow for the King!

"The greatest Evil
Genius in the world. "

I remember when people
used to call me that.

Back when the clouds destroyed
our peaceful land of farmers,

and my plan to blackmail
the world saved us all

Yes, as you've told us all
over and over and over.

Yeah, well, here's more.

Did you know that years ago,
Schoddy's family name was Poekelmacher?

His family were pickle-makers.

So, what's your Evil Invention
this year, Doctor, kosher or dill?

I want to shove a pickle
right where the sun don't shine.

You mean Malaria, Master?

No matter how many
Evil Science Fairs I win,

I always have to bow
down to that idiot.

I will never get the respect he gets!

Respect? Respect isn't gonna
keep me in baby-seal boots.

You just need to keep on winning

Well, that is spoken
like a true worthless leech,

who, by the way still has not helped
me steal this year's winning invention.

You know, maybe if you
were a real scientist,

you wouldn't need
me to help you cheat every year.

Your whole lab is fake,

just like you.

And maybe I should throw you
back in the gutter where I found you!

You're one to talk,
Dr. Schadenfraude!

You don't have the guts.

Is Daddy still mad at me?

No.

But you and your friend Heidi

still have a little job to do.

Oh, we're trying.

Well, try a little bit harder!

Because this year,

I won't stop at just winning
the Evil Science Fair.

I'm gonna unleash my winning invention

on the King's smug little face,

and then he'll be the one
groveling at my feet!

Hi there.

Look, it's your
little girlfriend, Heidi.

You take a cocoa break,

and I'll guard your plans
for your new invention.

No, wait! You'll spill on my plans.

Heidi, you're not careful enough!

You're so sloppy sometimes.

Oh, poopshkin.

I went to the evil bookstore
and got you an inspirational poster.

It's a little kitten!

To remind you to always take time
in your day for a little torture.

My transducer!

Time to go.
I have no time for cocoa or kittens!

I have to work on my plans
alone and in secret.

In other words, bon voyage.

Who doesn't like tortured kittens?

I...
I like kittens.

I don't like dirty little hunchpeople.

Great, Schadenfreude's gonna kil me.

And why are there two transducers?

Master, the 21-gigawatt
might be somewhat safer, I think.

Think? Igors don't think.

I'm using the 16-gigawatt, you fool!

Now get over there and pull the switch!

What are you waiting for?

Yes, Master!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

I told you the 16 would work, you Igor.

Behold my rocket ship!

Born to stream through the world,

unleashing pain and misery on everyone.

I named her after you, Mother.

Now to take the old
cow for a test drive.

No, Master!
The rocket is going to...

Uh... Yeah that.

Finally.

Now I can throw out that rug
in the foyer. That thing is hideous.

We were all thinking it.
I just said it.

Oh, no, who's that?
What am I gonna do?

Relax, this is Glickenstein's castle.

And he doesn't have
to open that door for anyone.

Open for the King!

Except for the King.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He's here to see Glickenstein!
What do I tell him?

Tell him the truth.
And if he kills us,

I'll come back
and give you a beautiful funeral.

Right, right. The truth,
that's a good option. Right, right.

Glicky!
Glicky, my boy.

Where's Glicky?

Your Highness, he's gone.

Curse it, I need to see his invention.

Schadenfreude is getting too popular.

The people might make him king.

Someone has to beat him this year,

with an invention more evil than his.

Someone who can snatch
Schadenfreude's number one position

and rub his face in number two!

Ew...

Your Highness,
Dr. Glickenstein is...

creating life!

Did you say "life"?

Yes.

Thinking, breathing life that can
destroy freely all on its own.

No Evil Scientist has ever
been able to create life

Oh, sure they've mutated life.

They've ended life.

They've blasted life into
a million gooey pieces.

But created life?

A weapon like that would be
the greatest Evil Invention of all time.

And its inventor the
greatest Evil Scientist of all time?

Of course!
This is what I've been waiting for.

And it's your job to make sure
nothing happens to Glickenstein,

or I'll throw
you down the recycling chute

and use your hunch as a speed bump!

Oh, this is big.
Schadenfreude's winning streak is over.

Come on boys!
Let's go kick some old people.

Ow! What is wrong with you?

That's for having a death wish.
That's my thing.

I am not gonna die, Scamper.

For the first time ever,

I'm gonna live!

I sometimes come down here to think.

Wow, how interesting.

What's next?
You're gonna pull out a guitar

and play us a song you wrote
in college about being misunderstood?

I know, right?
And she's not even done yet.

Baby, baby, it looks
like it's gonna hail

Baby, baby, it looks
like it's gonna hail

You better come inside

Let me teach you how to jive and wail

Come on, bigger.
Do it. Come on, make it bigger.

Bigger!

Okay to the left. Very good.
Now back to the right.

No, no, no!

To the left, now back to the right.
To the right. To the right.

Is that even her hand?

And now to make her
skin indestructible.

You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

Did you see that?
Shoot him again.

And now, the crucial last piece,

the source of all, the Monster's power,

the Evil Bone.

I have to hurry.
It loses its power in the light.

That's it.

Only one thing left to do.

He said "do. "

Pull the switch!

Do not yell at me.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just...

Pull the switch.

Please pull the switch.

That's better.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Why does he get to pull the switch?

Because I'm not an idiot, Brian.

My name is not Brian!

Then you must have his jar.

Stop! You can both pull the switch.

On the count of three. One.

Hey! No fair!
You said we could both pull the...

Rise!

Rise!

I...

I don't believe it.

I'm a failure.
I'm a...

I'm an Igor.

Get rid of that thing.

I never want to see it again.

Funny you should say that.

Uh... Igor? Yeah.
Where did the monster go?

I don't know, Brain.

May I suggest looking behind you?

It was just a suggestion.

Maybe it just spontaneously combusted?

Oh, yeah sure.
I've read about that in...

Who am I kidding?
I can't read!

And just like that she
was out of their lives.

I did it. I...

I created life.

Has that hole always been there?

Come on!

Let me get this straight

We are chasing after the
bloodthirsty monster?

"Home For Blind Orphans. "

Oh God, she's killing blind orphans!

That's so evil!
I mean, which is great, but...

Blind orphans!

I wanna go next.

Me, me, pick me!

I wonder what diabolical deed
she has planned next.

Piggyback rides?

It's my turn!
I wanna go next!

I wanna go next!

Me! Me! Pick me!
Me! Me!

Blind orphans get everything!

Ah

Your very large friend is a sweetheart.

No, she's not.

I am your master,
and I command you

to stop this gesture
of goodwill right now

and put them down.

Down!

Okay, now you're gonna
march right back to

the castle, got it?

Oh, he's dead!

Those are paper flowers
the orphans sell.

Sounds like someone likes them.

You touch it,
you buy it!

Master!

I looked inside Dr Glickenstein's castle

and didn't see anyone.

But that's not all...

Yes, it is,
because your voice is annoying.

Now, to break into
Glickenstein's castle

and steal the plans
like Heid failed to do.

What did this?

I'm guessing something big.
Something like this.

Life? Glickenstein invented ife?

I don't think he had a hand in it.

Well, if he's toast,

who invented that?

I don't believe it.

Wow,

so not only is every other
Evil Scientist smarter than you,

and Igor is, too?

Ouch!

Smart is not mouthing off

to the man who has just found
his way to take the throne.

Oh, baby, won't you please come home?

'Cause your little daddy's
gonna be all alone

She must be making a club
of flowers to smash us with.

This must be very
embarrassing for you.

I never thought that we could part

For every hour in the day
you can hear me say

Baby, won't you please come home?
I need you, I need you

Okay clearly her
Evil Bone wasn't activated

when she came to life. That's it.

Ooh! I have an idea!

Is it about this situation?

No.

Is it even an idea?

Is French fries an idea?

So, how do you activate it?

We need to kick-start it.

We need to get her to
commit one act of evil.

She wouldn't hurt a fly.

Okay. Monster,

I command you to kill that fly.

Kill it! Kill it!

Kill it, girl!
Come on! You're a killer!

Maim it! Wound it! Insult it!

Something!
Kill it! Kill it!

Kill, kill, kill!

You were saying?

No, no, no!
You're evil!

Evil!

Evil!

E...

Eva.

What? No, you're not Eva.

Eva. Eva.

What now, genius?

Well, thank you for asking.
What we're going to do...

Go soak your brain, Brian.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Monster want a brain wash?

Next!

Hi, I'd like to...

Hey, who you talking to?
I'm the head guy here!

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

What the heck is that?

It's my Aunt Eva.

She's getting a little
sweet in her old age

so I'd like to,
I don't know, evil her up a bit.

"Sunday Night Massacre. " No.
"Arsonist. "

Gee, they all look so good.

How about the "Axe Murderer" brain wash?

Oh! She must be very special to you.

Hey! Don't touch that!
It s a very complicated system!

One wrong button and you'll just
be watching regular cable

You wanna waste your
nephew's money like that? Huh? Huh?

Gosh I feel like I'm sending my kid

off to school for the first time.

You know, to learn how to murder.

Hi. How are you?
Great wings.

Listen, could you squeeze me in
for a brain wash, too?

A nice thorough scrubbing.

What are you?
An imbecile?

Oh, parlez Italian?
Taco grande to meet you.

Yeah. Take Brian to Room Number 4.

"Wish you weren't there.

"This card teleports your enemy to you
so you can destroy him in person. "

Call me old-fashioned,

but what happened to cards
that just blew your head off?

Just think Scamper.
In a few short moments,

I'm gonna have the most
Evil Invention of all time.

It's my whole life savings,
but I think I'm going to treat myself.

Oh, my hunch.

"Happy Mother's Day. '

See, that's what I'm talking about.
Simple, elegant, classic.

You've seen a lot of brains I'm sure.

Mine's bigger than average, right? No?

Hello? Can you even talk?

Canadians.
I'll just watch TV.

Whoops!

Butterfingers.

Oh. Great. Hold on.

And it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold, it's cold, it's cold.

Hey, Monster,
can I borrow your remote?

Thank you.

Oh, come on!

Let's do the twist
Around and around and around

Stupid remote!

To plumb the depths of
Blanche DuBois in Streetcar

is the ultimate challenge
for any modern actress.

Well, our evil bun should be
out of the oven soon.

Estephan, you're a magician!

What's that smell?

My new air freshener,
"Dead Dog. " Jealous?

I don't hear anything.

I think it worked.

Maybe they did too much?

Oh. Was it?

Was I too much?
I was pushing, wasn't I?

It was only a vocal exercise,
but that is a beginner's mistake

I have to own that.
That's just where I am.

If only I knew whether
I had the "it" factor.

But how can you know?
I mean, you can't learn that,

you just have to be born with it.

Oh listen to me going on
and on about me me, me.

Let's talk about you, Igor.
Do you think I have "it"?

Let's thank our guest who
has taught us in one hour,

a lifetime worth of lessons in acting.

Acting?

Who changed the channel?

Wait, where's the remote?

Move it!
I need this room.

No, no, no. Wait!
We need to unbrainwash her!

No can do, pal.

Every wash comes with a sealant
guaranteed to last a lifetime.

In other words, buzz off!

Okay, things to do,
sign up for yoga classes

get new headshots, adopt children
from all over the world.

Oh! time for my elocution exercises.

I need a box of biscuits.
I need a box of biscuits.

It's just failure after failure.

After failure,
after failure...

Oh, sorry, I thought we were
counting off all your failures.

Biscuit mixer, a box of mix...

A box of mixed biscuits
and a biscuit mixer.

I need a box...

Stop the carriage!

Ow!

What? What's the matter?

I don't mean to be a prima donna,
but I think I need a bigger trailer.

After failure, after
failure, after failure...

After failure, after failure...

That monster is about to be mine.

Oh, really? How?

Well, with a little something I
just stole for the occasion, okay?

Practice poses for the red carpet,

become an environmentalist,
but still fly private when necessary.

A Shrink, Ray? Oh, that's a genius'
plan for stealing a monster.

Hey! I don't come down
to where you work and...

Oh, that's right, you don't work!
So shut your cake hole, darling!

Now to shrink Igor
and steal his monster.

Oh, God. Did I hit it?
Did I hit it? I hope I didn't hit it!

You, sir, put the
"Evil" in "Evil Scientist. "

Here we go.

What the...?

Hold on! Pull over.
I'm getting jar sick!

Someone's trying to shoot us!

Paparazzi! Why can't those
vultures leave me a one?

This has totally
ruined my spa day.

To the right!

To the right!

This is the worst
car service I have ever used!

Now I get to watch you die.

Hold on!

Brake. Brake!

Uh-oh!

Put the brake on, you...

Okay.

Fire the rocket booster!

I can't see who it is!

Here I come!

Oh! My beautiful face.

No more Doctor. Don't Kill Anybody!

We're not gonna make it!
We're not gonna make it!

If only you'd made
yourself indestructible!

Indestructible.
Indestructible.

Who wants to be a big movie star?

Me! Me! I do.

This would be the right time
to curb your suicidal tendencies.

BRAIN
Hey! I can see my room from here.

Go away! Look,
I'm very important.

Ew! What's that smell?

Oh, yes, wait, it is the big,
whopping stench of failure.

Ironically, at an inch tall, you still
have the biggest mouth in Malaria.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

You saved my life.

As an actor, I feel things very deeply,
and I treasure all of life.

FIY, it is actually me
you should thank.

I was the one who changed the
channel on her brain wash.

- What?
- Yep,

and if she had been evil,
she would have let us all die.

So technically,
I'm the one who saved us.

But no need to thank me.

Actually, a "thank you" would be nice.

It could be in the form of
a card or a poem, your choice.

I a so like ponies.

An axe?

I don't want an axe. That's crazy.

Why would you offer me an axe?

You made my monster an actress!

This is why people
are afraid of hunchbacks!

This. Right here!

Oh! What play are they rehearsing?

Brain-Dead.

Don't let him kill me!
It's gonna be a smash.

Don't let him kill me!

The only thing killed here is my dream.

Bravo! Bravo!

Huh?

Oh, you guys are so lucky to have work.

If only I had a role I could
really sink my teeth into.

Eva, you're in luck.

In four days, there is
an audition for the lead

in the biggest play
to hit Malaria since...

The Desperate Hunchback
Who Grasped at Straws?

Seriously, Eva,
this could be your big break!

Oh, my gosh! I don't believe it!
What play is it?

Play? What play is it?

Is it Annie?

Annie?

So many terrific girls
got their start playing Annie.

Yes, that's it!
It's Annie!

So it's actually a musical?

I think I just wet myself.

Someone can sing!

Gosh! Me trying out for Annie,

the plucky orphan whose song of hope
lifts the heart of a weary nation?

Yeah. Except in this version,
Annie goes nuts

and battles a bunch of Evil Inventions

in deadly hand-to-hand combat.

Wow. How avant-garde.

Yeah. Trust me.
You were born to be in this production.

The sun'll come out tomorrow

Bet your...

No, you missed it, again.

Excuse me, Igor, but I think
you're supposed to say "cut. "

That's for film.

Film?

Can you imagine a face
like that on a 40-foot screen?

All right, all right.
Now, listen, Eva...

Excuse me, Igor,
I'm a little distracted.

What?

I think the makeup girl
is out to get me.

No, that's Brain. And he's not
the makeup girl, he's the idiot.

Now try to remember
on the word "tomorrow,"

you re supposed to crush the
Evil Invention to your left!

You mean "stage left. "

Yeah, whatever. You're supposed
to smash it to smithereens.

I know, it's just...

It looks kind of real, and
it's hard because I would

never hurt anything real

The props at the audition

are gonna look even more real, Eva.

Some may even scream
when you smash them.

Oh, really?

Yes. And they're also
going to fight back.

But it's all for reality's sake.

But if you don't want
to be a real actress...

Oh, no, no.
I do, I do.

This is a block for me
but I will get through it.

Once more, from the top,
with feeling.

I just have a teeny,
teeny, tiny suggestion.

Now, I know I m not the director
but at the end of the number,

I would love to try
something like this...

You're only a day

Away

Works for me.

Dr. Igor.
Dr. Igor von Igorstein.

No, no, no. The Evil Revered
Igor von Igorstein III.

I can't believe it.

I might actually be
able to pull this off.

Good work today, Eva.
You took some really...

big steps.

Thank you, Igor.

I'm whispering to protect my voice.

I really couldn't
have done it without you.

Isn't it beautiful?

King Malbert has turned
this country into a paradise.

His tower shines out for all the world
to see as a beacon of evil.

And that's a good thing?

We were a nothing country
until King Malbert taught us

that the way to succeed
is by doing evil.

Phew!

This is a tough town.

Well, in this world,
nice guys finish last.

So, I have to step on
people to get ahead?

Uh...

Yeah.

Well, I'd rather be a
good nobody than an evil somebody.

And so would you.
Because you're good, Igor.

Eva, don't say that.

It's true.
You are good.

Seriously, stop saying that!

But you are!
You've helped me with my audition.

You've made me this delicious tea.

You're a very good friend.

Evil Scientists don't have friends.

Well, what are Brain and Scamper?

Headaches.

Oh!

Is that all I am?

No.

Okay. Then you can be
my number two friend.

Number two friend.
Well, who's your number one friend?

See? You're jealous.

You do wanna be my friend.

I guess I'm just a pushover.

Hi, welcome to Cristall Clear.
I'm Carl Cristall.

Tonight, we have a very special guest,
someone we all love and respect.

It's Honkers the Gassy Monkey.
But first, King Malbert.

You're not wearing
any, you know, pants.

Hmm?

Oh, no, I'm not.

I figure, why does an
invisible man need to wear pants?

It's very liberating,
Your Highness.

Sire, the clouds,

were they a blessing or a curse?

Well, of course, I would never
wish the clouds on my people.

But we rallied together
for the common good

by embracing evil,
and look at us now!

Respected, successful.

What are you doing?

Scratching my invisible...

But getting back to my
next question, sire.

The Evil Science Fair is two days away.

Any predictions?
Can anyone beat Dr. Schadenfreude?

Well, I hate to predict.

I mean, all the Evil Scientists
are twisted fiends in their own right.

That said, there may
be a genius this year

with an Evil Invention so revolutionary

that Schadenfreude might finally
get knocked off his perch!

The only one getting
knocked off his perch is you!

Damn it, I need that monster!

I will not be beaten

by a hunchbacked
pot-bellied, bulgy-eyed runt.

I think he's kind of cute.
Talent is attractive.

I can just picture Igor
and his monster now,

plotting their deadly combat maneuvers.

# I got a woman as big
# as a house, yes, sir

# She's as big as a two-family
# house with a porch and a fence

# You won't believe what you see
# when you look at her

# She's enormous, colossal,
# tremendous, gigantic, immense

# Why try to deny it?
# She's just what I like.

# If she goes on a diet

# I'll go on strike.

# The bigger the figure
# The better I like her

# The better I like her
# The better I feed her

# The better I feed her
# The bigger the figure

# The bigger the figure
# The more I can love

# She's exactly like a watermelon

# Big and round and sweet

# And in a party dress
# She may be quite a mess

# But I love her a lot
# So what if she's not

# so neat?

# The bigger the figure

# The better I like her

# The better I like her

# The better I feed her

# The better I feed her
# The bigger the figure

# The bigger the figure
# The more I can love

# If she ever

# Eats me out of money

# And we needed the rent

# Oh, that'll be a cinch
# 'Cause when we're in a pinch

# I can put her to work
# under a circus tent

# The bigger the figure
# The better I like her

# The better I like her
# The better I feed her

# The better I feed her
# The bigger the figure

# The bigger the figure
# The more I can love

Guys, can you come in here?

I need to talk to you.

If she's having a woman problem
it's all yours.

Ta-da!

What are these?

Opening night presents.

I know it's technically
just an audition tomorrow,

but I figured "What the hey?"

They're not much, since I had
to use stuff I found around here

but, well...
You first, Brain!

An envelope!
You spoil me rotten, lady.

I think we better open it.

It's a new label for your jar.

And Brain is spelled right!

It is, right?

You shouldn't really worry
about labels, though,

because you may be a brain,
but you have heart.

And in some ways,
that's more important.

Heart? I'd kill for a pair of feet.

Open yours, Scamper.
It s a prehistoric evergreen.

They live forever.
I just want to make sure

that if anything
ever happens to the three of us,

you always have company.

Great. I must be allergic to it.

With any luck, it'll kill me
with its dinosaur-era toxins.

Can we move on to Igor now?

No one's ever given me a gift before.

It's something no
director can be without.

A beret!

Voil?

That's French for,

"Please stop pelting me and
my ridiculous hat with rocks. "

Hey, Igor where's our gift for Eva?

Our gift?

Oh! You guys didn't.

We did.

Where'd you put it, Igor?

It s in the other room.

Gift, gift, gift, gift.

Eva. Well, we got you this.

It's a necklace.

It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen!

Igor, can you...

I would do it myself,
but I am all thumbs.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I got the thumbs on sale.

I'm never gonna take this off.

That way all of you will be
close to my heart forever.

I need to go write this down
in my sense-memory journal!

Oh, where did I put my glitter pen?

See, this is the kind of
moment that'd be tough

for someone who wasn't meant
to be an Evil Scientist.

Somebody who'd go all soft
and want to tell her the truth.

But lucky for us, I'm evil, right?

Yeah. Lucky us.

I don't feel lucky.

So we stay on track,
'cause we're almost there,

and I just don't let
her get into my head.

It s so hard being a little hunchback.

Heidi!

Dr. Glickenstein is under the rug.
I mean, under the weather.

I didn't come to see him.

I came to see you.

Me?

By the way, an Igor came by today

and asked me to
hands-deliver this to you.

And these are my hands.

What? What is it?

Ja, I haven't any idea.

"Wish You Weren't There. "

Oh, excellent, wonderful.

You got my card.

Is everything okay?

I heard a strange noise.

Ooh!

Oh, I wasn't at the door
listening to you and Igor.

I just...

Hi! We haven't met. I'm Eva.

Oh you're upset, aren't you?

"Who is this strange woman
living with Igor," right?

Well, believe me,
Igor and I are just friends.

As his girlfriend you have
nothing to worry about.

I'm not his girlfriend.

You're not?

But the way he looks at you...

He never looks at me that way.

Maybe some men like girls

who don't look like they've
been put together at the junkyard.

Right.

You have a very ugly face.

Well, I have to go
get some rest for my audit on tomorrow.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh.

Whoops!

Audit on?

So, how's your cocktail, Igor?

Is it nice? You like t?

Is it coconut-ty?
Coconut-ty enough?

Wait! You should be sipping in style!

Igor Krazy Straw!
Right now.

Small trumpet. Isn't that better?
Doesn't that taste better?

Excuse me, sir, but why...

I mean, why am I here?

You can drop that slur around me.

I don't even make my Igors talk
that way. Isn't that right, Igor?

Oh, that's right, Master.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Call me Frederick.
Okay? That's my name.

Okay. Frederick!

I have to get back.
Dr. Glickenstein will be missing me.

Somehow, I think he's missing
more than his right-hand man.

Look, Iggy baby I know all about
Glickenstein and his deadness.

I also know about your monster.

I m gonna guess your plan.

You win the Evil Science Fair,

and then everyone looks
past the hunch thing,

and they accept you for the real you.

You grab the girl of your dreams
and you cha-cha-cha your way

to a happy ending.

Am I close on this?

No, not entirely.

I don't know how to cha-cha.

We're a lot alike, Igor.

I want to be more as well,

but society, it won't let me.
It stops me.

So, this is my plan:

I enter Evil Science Fair
with your monster and then I win.

I turn the monster on the King.

Ding dong, the King is dead,
long live the new king, me!

And then you come in as Malaria's
new Evil Scientist Dr. Igor.

So what do you say to
that? Is that nice?

Is that really nice?

You want to overthrow the King?

I thought you wanted
to be an Evil Scientist.

I do. But...

Stop thinking like an Igor!

Evil Scientists do not let
anyone stand in their way.

Yes. I know. They step
on people to get ahead.

Exactly!

She'll never do it.

She?

The monster.
She isn't evil.

Something went wrong and her
Evil Bone was never activated.

So how do we get this Evil Bone
up and running, huh?

We kick it, we slap it,
we take it to the movies, call it Irene?

She needs to commit an evil act,

but since she's not evil, she won't.

Well, your troubles are over then,

because I can get a woman
to do absolutely anything.

I don't know.

Don't tell me that you have
feelings for this thing?

- No.
- Good,

because that would be pathetic.

I can give you everything
you have ever wanted.

I think I need to go.

Look, the Evil Science Fair
is in a few hours.

You're either with me or against me.

Yes or no?

I take that as a no.

What are you going to do now, smart guy?

Oh!

No!

Frederick!

Frederick! Why are you swimming?

You just ate 10 minutes ago.

Get off of me, you buffoon!

Okay,
we finished your costume.

I just hope it's cinched
enough at the waist.

Obviously, if I had more time,
I would have made it flare out

a little bit more over the knees.

Stop touching it, Brain,
I'm creating a look here.

You guys are my friends.
So, you'll tell me the truth, right?

Yeah, sure.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Brain, get me a tub of eye-liner,
a pound of lipstick,

and if all else fails,
the severed head of a supermodel.

Okay, the Jacuzzi is not a bathroom.

I know that now.

Please, please take your own
sweet time! I'm loving it here!

Oh, really?

Well, then maybe you
should stay down there

with your Igor, poopshkin!

You know something?
He's a good listener,

he's got soft hands, and unlike you,
he sometimes shaves his legs!

Wait.
No kissing Heidi.

Or do you like me better as Heidi?

Hmm. Jaclyn, Heidi, Jaclyn, Heidi.

It would be really swell

if you didn't go
psycho-girlfriend on me right now.

I'm not psycho!

Obviously not.

How would you feel if every day
you had to be 13 different people?

I'm Jaclyn, your girlfriend.

Then I'm Dr. Nachtmahrs girlfriend.

Then I'm Dr. Groaner's girlfriend.

All for you!

To help you steal
inventions year after year.

And I still say those stolen pills
were the best invention yet.

Well, this time they really paid off.

Guess what Mommy found out
about our favorite little monster?

Or should I say actress?

Oh.

Eva.

Eva, Eva!

Just breathe. Okay.
Center yourself on the body.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Director.

Oh, no, this isn't happening.
Act graceful. Act graceful.

Keep smiling.

Too close?

No. Eva, you look...
You look beautiful.

Oh this is such a clich?

the leading lady falling
for her director.

Well, you're not used to high heels

Oh, you mean...

Our work here is done.

Our work?

You spent the entire time
playing with a piece of ribbon.

Eva, about the audition, I think
I've given you the wrong direction.

But I feel so prepared.

No, I've been trying to make you
play a role that you're not right for.

What?

I have to tell you the truth.

He did.
I'll just be a minute.

Oh, Igor. Ow!
My ankle.

It twisted like the pretzel, Igor!

Enchanting.

Thank you. And who are you?

Someone who does not want
your unique gifts to go to waste.

Are you a talent agent?

I was so deep down worried

that when you opened the card
I thought I lost you forever.

Heidi, I need to tell you something.

I don't know what it is,

but I fee like for the
first time in my life,

I'm seeing a real Igor.

And I think I'm in love with him.

Wow, when it rains, it pours.

No, no.

Igor is a liar.
He does this...

Igor would never lie to me.
Igor cares about me.

Cares?
He doesn't care.

Because he built you to be a weapon.

No, no, no, you re wrong.

He'll never look at you
and see a woman.

All he will ever see is a monster.

I don't believe you.

Open your eyes.

Igor has someone else
in mind for your role.

Heidi, no!

There's nothing more for you here.

Come with me.
I will make you a star.

No.

Oh!

What's wrong?

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I've made someone else.

Huh?

I mean, I've met someone else,
who I made. It s complicated.

Wait a minute.

You're rejecting me?

I'm sorry.

For that big bumpy thing?

How do you know about...

I mean, this isn't even the sexiest me,
but come on! Look at you.

You're hideous.
You really are.

And I kissed you!

Ugh! Yuck!

Um...

You're a monster.

And as we know, monsters
only exist to be used.

Schadenfreude!

Eva.

Seize him!

Where's Glickenstein?

And before you answer,
you should know

that someone sent me this!

Your Highness, he's dead.

And he didn't invent life, did he?

No.

I did.

An Igor inventing...

Silence!

Hunchy invented life, eh?

Well, where is it?

It's a she, and I think
someone's taken her.

Well, if she comes back,
we'll just tell her where to find you.

In the Igor recycling plant!

No! Please!
No! No!

Eva, where are you?

Eva.

Eva.

Lock your doors
and hide your loved ones.

It's the annual Evil Science Fair!

I m Carl Cristall
and I m coming to you live, invisible

and totally au nature!

Fans are taking their seats,
includlng King Malbert himself!

Don't touch me!

Meanwhile, the
scientists are in their locker rooms,

prepping their Evil Inventions!

Here we are.
A dressing room fit for a leading lady.

Wow, listen to that.

How many girls are
auditioning for this project?

I'm gonna go save him.

Wait.

Look, maybe I'm not a genius, okay.

But I know one thing, I have to try

No, I was gonna say,
"Wait I'm coming with you. "

On three.

One.

Hey! No fair!

What are you doing here?

We're here to rescue you!

I don't want to be rescued.
I'm an Igor.

And this is what happens to us.

Figures, just when I decided
I want to live...

Don't peek.

Don't worry.

I hope I can still do a
decent audition without Igors help.

Trust me, I'm the one who's gonna
bring out the real you.

This isn't you, Igor.

Where's all that stupid
optimism and annoying can-do attitude?

I tried to be someone different,
but the world wouldn't let me.

Don't you want to go after Eva
and save her from Schadenfreude?

Are you actually trying to
hypnotize me, Brain?

Yes!

But if that's not working,
then how about this?

Ow!

Eva needs you and you're
the only hunchback

that can stand tall and fight for her.

Brain, that may be the smartest
thing you've ever said.

Reach, Brain! Reach!

You should have built me
with a longer arm.

Huh?
Huh?

What? Like this is the first time
I ve gnawed my own feet off.

Who says rabbits' feet are lucky?

Wheels, don't fail me now!

Wheels failed me!
Wheels failed me!

We went that way!

What are you doing?

Looking for the secret passage!

There's always a secret passage!

Darn it Brain,
there's no secret passage!

It's over.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

Technically,
it's a secret staircase.

Welcome! To you and the millions
of viewers around the globe!

They come from all corners.

And just look at them.

They're all worried sick
about one thing, world peace.

Well, tonight, it's within their grasp.

And it has but a small price,
and that prlce is $100 billion.

And I, for one,
I think they can do it.

And if they don't we I,

the Evil Invention last standing
will be unleashed on the world.

Ah! It'd just be too
horrible to imagine.

Where are we?

And why am I panting?

I don't have lungs.

The tower of the King's castle.
Look, there's the Killiseum.

Wow, I don't know what it is,
but I want one!

It's the beacon of evil
on top of the royal castle.

Wait. Is it a beacon?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

And bring me back a toy!

The King's beacon is
really a weather ray.

King Ma bert is making the storm clouds.

So, citizens
of the world, I beseech you...

- He lied to us.
- ... call the number

on the bottom of your screens.

Yes, right there.

You need to give, just
like we need to be evil.

You need to be evil.

I know my choreography,
if that's what you mean.

I think you need to go deeper.
Have you ever done anything evil?

No.

Well, then how can you
play it truthfully?

You know you can't get
this part if you fake it.

Hit me.

- What?
- Hit me.

I could never hit anyone.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Igor was right.
You are not an actress.

Yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.
No wonder he chose Heidi.

I mean, you know,
she's beautiful and you are not.

She has got talent and you do not.

Don't you say that!

Look at you.
You are pathetic!

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!
You're just a big, freaky...

And here it is baby.
Buckle up, here it comes.

You are an ugly monster!
You couldn't act your way out of a...

Ah!

We've got Annie!

Malarians, let's get evil.

What? You're gonna lower yourself down?

You've got your job, I ve got mine.

I'm coming, Eva!

And bring me back a toy!

Phew!

That was close.

He s okay! He's...

Oh!

I'm coming, Eva.

Pull the switch!

And here comes
this year's Evil Inventions!

What a menagerie
of mayhem-loving monstrosities.

Take a good look, world,
any of these could be coming for you!

Only one Evil Invention left.

Time for my crowning achievement.

Pull the switch!

That's Dr. Schadenfreude's invention?

Eva?

Let the battle begin.

No.

The sun'll come out

Tomorrow

Hold on!
What's this? It's fighting.

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...

And winning!

There'll be sun!

Let me through!
Let me through! I made her!

You made her?

Hey, here's the genius
Igor that made her.

Just thinking about

Tomorrow

Clears away the cobwebs

And the sorrow

Till there's none

Eva, Eva!

And wait!
An Igor has entered the arena.

I just stick out my chin and grin

Don't worry,
folks, he'll be dead soon.

Oh!

She's almost at her big finish!

And if we don't destroy
this weather ray, it's really over.

The sun'll come out tomorrow

So you gotta hang on

Leave
it to Schadenfreude,

destroying his enemies
with a giant girl in a red dress.

I can't believe
Schadenfreude did it again

What are you doing in
the King's box, Schoddy?

I was about to ask you
the same question, Malby.

Malby? What's the meaning of this?

This means you're through.
Or should I say 'overthrown"?

Hey you unhand him.

He's your new king.

And if you have a problem with that

please take it up with the head
of my complaint department,

who's the big monster over there.

Majesty.

There's gotta be a faster way
to demolish this thing!

We're all going to die! Except you!

Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

I love ya

Tomorrow

She's going to take
this whole place apart.

You're always a day...

Wait! This isn't you.

I did create you to be evil.

I'm sorry I lied to you.
I lied to you about everything.

It's just a role.
You don't have to play it.

Yes, she does! You're an Igor.
She's an Evil Invention!

No. Everyone has
an Evil Bone in their body,

but we choose whether or not to use it.

And as someone I love once said,

"It's better to be a good nobody
than an evil somebody. "

I'm not evil.

I'm Eva.

That is the correct answer.

Igor, I felt like
I was in a dark, horrible place.

We all were.

Wait! What's happening?

The end of Malaria's
evil role in the world.

Camera 2!

Oh! Excellent.
Thank you!

For generations, Klng Malbert
has kept us in the dark

by creating the clouds
with a weather ray!

He lied to us!

We trusted him and he lied to us.

He tricked us into thinking
we needed to be evil to survive!

But we don't!

None of us do.

This is outrageous!
He has no proof!

Where's his proof?
I demand to see proof!

I demand to see...

Oops!

I'm sure he's fine.

Long live King Schadenfreude!
Everybody!

King Malbert the liar is dead!

Long live King Schadenfreude!

Everybody say, "Long live... "

Well, that was a short reign.

Hey, fellas, I'm single again!

No more pills.

They can't see what I really look like.

My evil days are over!

From here on out,
all evil doings will be handled

by my manager/boyfriend.

Eva! Eva! Eva!

Eva Eva! Eva!

President Igor,
now that you're in charge,

will pants continue to be
as expensive and uncomfortable

as they were under the
previous administration?

What? What? No.
Everything is about pants.

Why is everything about pants with you?

There you have it.
Another politician afraid to answer.

the tough, pants-related
questions of Carl Cristall.

Pickles.
Old family recipe. Pickles.

Cocoas Strudel!

Mmm-hmm!

Yuck!

Pick me up at 7:00.
I'm gonna go home and shave.

Hey Scamper,
have you seen Eva?

No. Go away.

Hans, you're wearing this backwards.
What are you? Blind?

Let's switch this around.

So, what do you do?

I'm a genius. What do you do, mister?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I left your opening night gift
back at the lab.

Oh, my necklace!

Look inside.

Oh, my gosh.

You're really gonna make this?

Yeah. And if it doesn't work out,
then we'll just adopt.

It's a big step,
getting a pet together.

Come on, after living
with Brain and Scamper

everything will seem like a breeze.

I can see clearly
now the rain has gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds
that had me blind

It's going to be a bright,
bright sunshiny day

It's going to be a bright,
bright sunshiny day

It's going to be a bright,
bright sunshiny day

# I got a pocket
# Got a pocket full of sunshine

# I got a love and I know
# that it's all mine

# Oh, oh, oh

# Do what you want
# But you never gonna break me

# Sticks and stones are
# never gonna shake me

# Oh, oh, oh

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A secret place
# A secret place

# A sweet escape
# A sweet escape

# Take me away
# Take me away

# Take me away
# Take me away

# To better days
# To better days

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A hiding place
# A hiding place

# I got a pocket
# Got a pocket full of sunshine

# I got a love and I know
# that it's all mine

# Oh, oh, oh
# Got a pocket

# Got a pocket full of sunshine

# Got a love and I know
# that it's all mine

# Do what you want
# But you never gonna break me

# Sticks and stones are
# never gonna shake me

# Oh, oh, oh
# Never gonna shake me

# Never gonna shake me

# I got a pocket
# Got a pocket full of sunshine

# I got a love and I know
# that it's all mine

# Oh, oh, oh

# Wish that you could
# But you ain't gonna own me

# Or do anything you can to control me

# Oh, oh, oh
# You can't control me

# You can't control me

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A secret place
# A secret place

# A sweet escape
# A sweet escape

# Take me away
# Take me away

# Take me away
# Take me away

# To better days
# To better days

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A hiding place
# A hiding place

# There's a place that I go
# Where nobody knows

# Where the rivers flow
# And I call it home

# And there's no more lies
# And darkness is light

# And nobody cries
# There's only butterflies

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A secret place
# A secret place

# A sweet escape
# A sweet escape

# Take me away
# Take me away

# Take me away
# Take me away

# To better days
# To better days

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A hiding place
# A hiding place

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A secret place
# A secret place

# To better days
# To better days

# Take me away
# Take me away

# Take me away
# Take me away

# To better days
# To better days

# Take me away
# Take me away

# A hiding place
# A hiding place

# The sun is on my side
# Take me for a ride

# I smile up to the sky
# I know I'll be all right