If You Only Knew (1999) - full transcript

HEY, CONCORDE.

COME HERE, CONCORDE.

HAVE YOU GOT A CAT
IN YOUR APARTMENT?

A CAT?

YEAH, A CAT.
I HEARD SOME MOANING
THE OTHER NIGHT.

GINO, I KNOW THIS IS
A "NO PETS" BUILDING.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL COMING FROM
UNDER YOUR DOOR, PAL?

- AROMATHERAPY!
- AROMA-WHAT?

CANDLES...
ROMANCE...

MOANING.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- SPARE A DOLLAR?



YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A HUNDRED?

NOBODY LIKES A WISEASS.

HEY?

HEY, ROCKEFELLER?

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING
YOUR MONEY AWAY FOR?

YOU'RE A MONTH AND HALF
BEHIND ON THE RENT!

- SATURDAY!
- SATURDAY?

I'LL BE RINGING YOUR BELL
BRIGHT AND EARLY.

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

HEY, YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU
A COUPLE CANDLES?

YEAH, GET ME A COUPLE CANDLES.

IT'S VERY RELAXING.

YEAH, WELL RELAX THIS!

NO, NO,
I DON'T NEED ANY MONEY.



I'VE GOTTA BIG DATE TONIGHT,
I GOTTA GO.

YEAH.

MAKE SURE YOU GIVE MOM
A BIG KISS FOR ME, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

LOOK AT THIS.

THERE YOU GO.

( meows )

LOLITA, I REMEMBER WHEN
THE "ELECTRIC COMPANY"

WAS A FUNNY KIDS' SHOW.

( coughs )

LOLITA! LOLITA!

( fire roars - crackles )

YOU GOT INSURANCE?

NO.

ME NEITHER.

SPARE A DOLLAR?

AROMATHERAPY?
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL IT?

YOU COULDN'T JUST DO
PSYCHOTHERAPY LIKE THE REST
OF MY TENANTS?

LOOK AT THIS.

YOU'RE A SCHMUCK, KID.

( meowing )

LOLITA!

YOU GOT OUT OKAY!

JACK!

PARKER!

GEE, I DON'T KNOW IF NOW
IS THE BEST TIME.

JACK, MY APARTMENT BUILDING
NEARLY BURNED DOWN.

I'M SORRY.
I'M KIND OF IN
A SITUATION HERE.

JACK.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON IN.

woman: JACK?

IF IT COMES UP,
MY FIANCE DIED IN A TERRIBLE
TRAIN CRASH SIX MONTHS AGO.

THE TENTH FATALITY
THIS YEAR?

( crashing )

THANK YOU FOR CALLING
PSYCHIC PALS HOT LINE.

I SEE YOU TAKING A LONG VOYAGE.

AUDREY, I'M GONNA SHUFFLE
THE TAROT DECK HERE...

LET'S SEE WHAT THE CARDS
TELL US, SHALL WE?

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE HAVING
A DIFFICULT TIME IN LIFE...

AND...

AUDREY, THERE SEEMS TO BE
SOME KIND OF PROBLEM,

I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON HOLD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE "THREE S'S"?

SLOW, SUSTAIN...

- STATIC.
- STATIC.

OH, HEY--
YOU FORGOT SWINDLE.

( chuckles )

YOU KNOW THE LONGER
YOU KEEP THEM ON THE PHONE,

THE LONGER YOU KEEP YOUR JOB.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

THE TROUBLE SEEMS TO BE
GOING AWAY.

YOU'RE IN NEW YORK CITY, MAN.

THERE'S AN AMAZING
DESSERT TRAY OF BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN...

A LITTLE CREME
BRULEE.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY,
YOU WORK AT A TALENT AGENCY,

SURROUNDED BY
BEAUTIFUL ACTRESSES.

DID I TELL YOU TO WORK
AT 1-900-CUCKOO?

IT WAS THE ONLY JOB I COULD GET
AFTER THE MAGAZINE FOLDED.

PARKER,
YOU ALWAYS DO THAT.

YOU WERE FIRED.
THE MAGAZINE FOLDED LATER.

IF THAT CONGRESSMAN HAD GIVEN ME
A QUOTE BEFORE HE WENT TO JAIL,

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD
TO MAKE ONE UP.

YOU OUGHT TO WRITE FICTION.
YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.

HEY. JUST KEEP BREATHING,
ALL RIGHT?

THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS
COULD BE AROUND THE CORNER.

THAT'S THE POWDER ROOM...

YES, BUT IT'S ALSO
THE BOYS' ROOM.

BOYS USE POWDER.

SOME, YES.
THIS IS MATT...
AND TROY.

THEY'VE BEEN HERE THE LONGEST,
WHICH ISN'T SAYING MUCH,

SINCE THE EMPLOYEES HERE
HAVE THE SHELF LIFE OF SUSHI.

THAT YOUNG MAN LOOKS
VERY FOCUSED.

I BET HE'S AN EXCELLENT PSYCHIC.

WELL, IF ANY OF US
WERE REAL,

WE'D BE AT THE BELMONT'S
PICKING TRIFECTAS,

NOT MAKING EIGHT BUCKS AN HOUR.

YOU MEAN NOBODY HERE
IS REALLY A PSYCHIC?

- ARE YOU?
- OF COURSE I AM!

- THIS IS KIM...
- HI, KIM.

WE'RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST
OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.

- DOES SHE KNOW THAT?
- NOT A CLUE.

- AND THAT'S MY CUBICLE?
- YES, YOU'RE THE LAST ONE.

Woman:
I have the coolest one bedroom
on the Upper West Side...

- with a view of the river.
- HOW MUCH?

- It's just $2,000
- A YEAR?

( hangs up - dial tone )

Hardwood floors,
high ceilings,

with oodles and oodles
of charm.

HOW MUCH?

Ah, $1,750.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
WITH LESS "OODLES?"

This is a great place
in the East Village.

It's just three blocks
from Thompkins Square Park.

- HOW MUCH?
- For you? Just $1,500.

- YOU GOT ANYTHING CHEAPER?
- Yeah, in Cleveland.

(woman screaming
with pleasure)

HEY, PARK.

AREN'T YOU ON
THE EARLY SHIFT TOMORROW?

YEAH.

YOU OUGHT TO GET
SOME SHUT-EYE.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

NEED ICE.

JACK, NOTE FOR THE NEXT TIME--

THE ICE GOES IN FIRST
BEFORE YOU DRINK YOUR DRINK.

MAYBE IN YOUR BOOK.

I LUCKED INTO MY LAST APARTMENT.
BEING FROM IOWA CITY,

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT "RENT CONTROL" MEANT.

YOU SHOULD GET
A GOOD CHURCH GIRL

OR A GOOD COLLEGE GIRL,
SHACK UP AND SPLIT THE DUES.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT ONE,
THAT GIRL THINKS SHE'S PSYCHIC.

SHARE ADS...
PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED ROOMMATES.

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEVIL
WORSHIPERS AND FREAKAZOIDS.

YEAH, BUT IT'S HALF
THE DAMAGE, MAN.

IT'S WORTH LOOKING INTO.

PARKER, I SEE A WHOLE NEW WORLD
OPENING UP FOR YOU,

AND A WONDERFUL
RELATIONSHIP.
( chuckles )

YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.

SHE'S CRAZY.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S SOMETHING REAL SEXY
ABOUT HER IN THE RIGHT LIGHT.

YEAH, MAN, THIS IS
A REALLY COOL PAD.

BEER?

SURE.

RUNNING WATER...

PRIVACY...

WINDOW...

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
LAST ROOMMATE?

IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING.

MOVED TO THE BIG HOUSE.

OH, A HIGH RISE?

SING-SING.

MAJOR DRUG DEALER.

GUY WAS TENSE.

IT'S JUST BEEN SO HARD
TO FIND A ROOMMATE THAT, WELL,

MELDS WITH MY LIFESTYLE.

PEOPLE HAVE SUCH PRECONCEIVED
NOTIONS ABOUT WOMANHOOD

AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR THEM.

AND YOU DON'T MIND
ROOMING WITH A MAN?

NO. I DON'T MIND,

IF YOU DON'T.

"2B OR NOT 2B."

I'M HERE ABOUT THE APARTMENT?

YOU MUST BE PARKER.

WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT SOME
OF THE FLAKES THAT
ANSWERED MY AD

SAID THEY DID FOR A LIVING...

"PIERCING CONSULTANT,"
"TAROT CARD READER,"

( laughs )
HARDLY SPELLS "RELIABLE" TO ME.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

UH, I'M IN... SALES.

TELEPHONE SALES.
IT'S JUST TEMPORARY,

UNTIL I GET ANOTHER
WRITING GIG.

I USED TO WORK
FOR "THE NEW YORK MINUTE,"

UNTIL IT FOLDED.

- COFFEE?
- SURE.

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
OTHER ROOMMATE?

GORDON AND I LIVED TOGETHER
FOR TWO YEARS.

HE JUST DECIDED IT WAS TIME
TO MOVE ON.

WE'RE STILL FRIENDS, THOUGH.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ME AND JACK HAVE BEEN LIVING
TOGETHER FOR TWO WEEKS,

BUT HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
ALL HE THINKS ABOUT IS SEX.

I TOLD HIM THERE'S MORE
TO RELATIONSHIPS...

BUT HE WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

SO IT'S OVER BETWEEN
THE TWO OF YOU?

NAH, JACK AND I WILL ALWAYS BE
CLOSE, WE JUST SHOULDN'T LIVE
TOGETHER.

WELL, PARKER,

THE PLACE IS YOURS
IF YOU WANT IT.

SIX-FIFTY A MONTH
PLUS UTILITIES.

ALL RIGHT!

I HAVE A CAT.

THE BUILDING ALLOWS
PETS, RIGHT?

THE BUILDING DOES,
BUT I DON'T.

I MEAN, I CAN'T.
I'M, LIKE, REALLY ALLERGIC.

OH, GOD, I KNEW THIS
WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

ME, TOO.

SORRY.

YA' KNOW,

I'VE GOT A FRIEND
WHO'S LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE,

COOL LOFT ON FIRST.

YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

- I DEFINITELY WILL.
- I'LL PASS ON YOUR NUMBER.

HEY, KITTY.

WHAT'S THAT, HUH?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

PARK, SAM CALLED
ABOUT THE APARTMENT.

MEET TOMORROW AT FOUR.
FIRST AVENUE.

FIRST AVENUE!
SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.

I READ ABOUT THIS WOMAN
IN ARMENIA

WHO ATE YOGURT EVERY SINGLE DAY
OF HER LIFE FOR 104 YEARS.

REALLY?
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

I GUESS SHE DIED.

( cash register beeping )

Cashier:
THAT'LL BE FOUR DOLLARS.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
WITH THAT?

UH, PUMPKIN PIE.

MY FAVORITE.

DO YOU, AH,
LIVE AROUND HERE?

ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME?

NO, I'M NOT COMING ON TO YOU.

I JUST CAME TO BUY A PUMPKIN!

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE,

I'D PREFER YOU JUST CAME OUT
AND SAID IT.

BELIEVE ME,
I'M NOT COMING ON TO YOU.

I BELIEVE YOU.

THAT'S $17.95.

Female voice:
Hello?

HI, IT'S PARKER CONCORDE,
ABOUT THE APARTMENT?

- Come on up.
- OKAY.

ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?

YES!

I MEAN, NO!

IS SAM HERE?

JUST A MINUTE.

HI, I'M SAM.
YOU MUST BE PARKER.

SMASHING PUMPKIN.

THIS IS BARNEY.
SAY HELLO, BARNEY.

HI, BARNEY.

PARKER, WHY DON'T YOU
AND YOUR PIE FILLING
COME INSIDE?

WOW, THIS IS REALLY NICE.

THANKS, I'M IN LOVE WITH IT.
ACTUALLY, IT'S MY COUSIN'S.

I'M JUST SUBLETTING WHILE
SHE'S IN PARIS STUDYING
AT THE SORBONNE.

SO, ARE YOU A PAINTER?

YEAH.
BUT I WORK AT THE
HAYDEN PLANETARIUM.

REALLY. WHAT'S THAT LIKE?

IT'S REALLY COOL,
I GET TO RUN SOME OF THE SHOWS,

TEACH THE KIDS,
AND BEING SUCH AN ASTRONOMY BUFF

I REALLY CAN'T BEAT IT.

IS THIS ONE
OF YOUR PAINTINGS?

YEAH.

OH, DO YOU SELL THESE?

NO, BUT I'D LIKE TO
ONE DAY,

YOU KNOW, HAVE A SHOWING
AT SOME SOHO GALLERY,

SUPPORT MYSELF WITH MY ART.

NOBLE, HUH?

YEAH.

WOW, THAT'S A DINOSAUR.
LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S MY MOM'S OLD STEREO.
HER ALBUMS, TOO.

"WEST SIDE STORY,"
THAT'S MY FAVORITE!

REALLY?
MINE TOO!

( barks )

OH, DON'T MIND HIM.
HE'LL WARM UP ONCE HE
GETS USED TO YOU.

I HOPE HE HAS A CHANCE.

NOW, I KNOW IT'S SMALL,
BUT IT GETS A LOT OF LIGHT.

AND THE BED'S
PRACTICALLY BRAND NEW.

DAVID LEFT IT WHEN HE AND CURT
MOVED TO SAN FRANCISCO.

SEE? PRETTY FIRM.

OH, BY THE WAY,

I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT
YOU AND YOUR FRIEND, JACK.

TOM GAVE ME
ALL THE INFO ON YOU--

WRITER, PHONE SALES,
CAT, CUTE.

SO, YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
ROOMING WITH GUYS?

NO, I MEAN, BEFORE DAVID
IT WAS DEAN,

AND BEFORE DEAN IT WAS PHILIP,
AND BEFORE PHILIP--

WELL, ANYWAY,
YOU GET THE POINT.

I FEEL SAFER LIVING
WITH A MAN.

PLUS, I MADE SOME GREAT FRIENDS.

SO, YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT
THINGS TURNING ROMANTIC?

ROMANTIC?

I MEAN, YOU'RE VERY--

YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

OH, THANK YOU, PARKER.

THAT'S WHY I ONLY LIVE
WITH MEN WHO ARE GAY.

YOU KNOW, SAM,
I'D REALLY LIKE TO LIVE HERE.

I'D LOVE TO LIVE HERE.
BUT, I'M NOT--

OH GOD,
YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL HANDS!

THESE ARE ARTIST'S HANDS,
LARGE AND STRONG,

YET GRACEFUL AND WELL-FORMED.

YOU HAVE A REALLY GOOD
LIFELINE, TOO.

I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS IT
YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME?

( sighs )

I'M NOT...

READY TO MOVE IN IMMEDIATELY.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WHEN CAN YOU MOVE IN?

TOMORROW?

GOOD.

IT HAPPENED SO FAST.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY.

THREE LITTLE WORDS,
"I'M NOT GAY."

HOW EASY IS THAT?

YEAH, BUT SHE'D ONLY ROOM
WITH GAY GUYS.

IT MAKES SENSE,
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

WHICH OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T.

SO SHE THINKS I'M GAY.

I GET TO LIVE IN A HUGE LOFT
WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

FOR AN ASTOUNDING, BY NEW YORK
STANDARDS, $550 A MONTH.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN
YOU WANT TO DO THE FILTHY
NASTY WITH HER

AND ALL SHE WANTS FROM YOU
IS AN OPINION ON WHICH EARRINGS
TO WEAR WITH A DRESS?

BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT BEING GAY?

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT
BEING A PSYCHIC?

I'LL FAKE IT.

WORD GETS OUT FAST.

WOW. I WISH I COULD
TRAVEL THAT LIGHT.

IF YOU HAVE A FIRE,
GIVES LIGHT A WHOLE NEW MEANING.

I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
( laughs )

FLAMES WERE EVERYWHERE.
I RAN OUT ONTO THE FIRE ESCAPE,

AND FOUND LOLITA ON THE STREET,
THANK GOD.

DID THEY EVER FIND OUT
WHAT STARTED IT?

YEAH, SOME GUY WAS PRACTICING
AROMATHERAPY AND FELL ASLEEP.

WHAT A MORON.

WORST PART IS
I LOST MY COMPUTER.

MY PARENTS GAVE IT TO ME
FOR MY TRIP TO NEW YORK,

SORT OF LIKE,
FOR GOOD LUCK.

- OH, EVERYTHING ON IT?
- EVERYTHING--

MY NOTES, STORIES, OUTLINES.

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT WAS
LIKE A SIGN FROM UP ABOVE.

"PARKER, DON'T QUIT
YOUR DAY JOB!"

WHAT'S THIS?

ANOTHER SIGN.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER ASKED YOU,
WHAT DO YOU SELL, EXACTLY?

UH... FUTURES.

OH. MY FRIEND FRANK IS
IN COMMODITIES AT GOLDMAN SACHS.

YOU GUYS HAVE TO MEET...
HE IS VERY CUTE.

SO NOW THAT
YOU'RE SINGLE AGAIN,

DO YOU HAVE YOUR EYE
ON ANY CUTE GUYS?

NO, NOT A ONE.
YOU?

YEAH, HIS NAME'S BEN.
HE'S... WONDERFUL!

WE'VE BEEN DATING
FOR ABOUT A MONTH.

HE'S VERY SWEET AND FUNNY
AND HE'S VERY HANDSOME.

- WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?
- MY TYPE?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, TYPE OF GUY.
WHAT GETS YOU HOT?

OH, I DON'T...I DON'T
REALLY HAVE A TYPE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
THERE ARE SO MANY

GREAT-LOOKING GUYS OUT THERE,
WHY LIMIT YOURSELF?

YEAH, RIGHT.

HEY, CONGRATS ON THE LOFT.
IT SOUNDS EXCELLENT.

SHARING AN APARTMENT
WAS INSPIRED-- I OWE YOU A BEER.

ANYTIME.

( toilet flushes )
WHOOOOO--DAMN!!

WHAT THE HELL
DID I EAT?!

WHAT'S UP, PARK-MAN?
SO, WHO'S THE NEW ROOMMATE,

CHARLES MANSON
OR JEFFREY DAHMER?

- JEFFREY DAHMER'S DEAD.
- OF COURSE HE'S DEAD!

HE DIED OF INDIGESTION...
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?

HE ATE ALL HIS ROOMMATES!
( laughs )

I'M JUST MESSIN'
WITH YOU, MAN.

CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR NEW CRIB, DOG.

HAND ME THIS, BRO!

♪ YOU CAN'T SAY NO...

PARKER!

JUST THE MAN I WANT!

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING, I LOOK FAT.

SO, THAT'S WHY
I'M GIVING UP

THE BEN & JERRY'S
AND THE FRENCH FRIES.

IN TWO WEEKS
YOU'RE GONNA BE SAYING,

"I WISH I HAD THAT ASS."

I COULD SAY THAT NOW.

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THIS ONE?

I THINK YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE...

BUT I THOUGHT
YOU'VE LOOKED INCREDIBLE

FOR THE LAST 14 OUTFITS.

YOU'RE SWEET.

I JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT
TO WEAR WITH BEN, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, HE'S KIND
OF CONSERVATIVE,

BUT HE'S GOT THIS,
LIKE, WILD SIDE, TOO.

WELL, HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE YOU,
NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR.

THANK YOU, PARKER.

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK,

THE HOOPS...

OR THE DANGLY ONES?

- THE HOOPS.
- YEAH, GOOD CHOICE.

♪ I USED TO BE
SOMEONE I'M NOT ♪

♪ I'D STARE OUT THE WINDOW
AND LIVE IN MY MIND ♪

♪ THE SAFER I FELT,
THE MORE THAT I DIED, ♪

♪ LONELY WITH YOU

♪ AS MY LIFE PASSED ME BY

♪ NOW I WILL DO EVERYTHING,
I WILL DO EVERYTHING ♪

♪ I WILL SAY EVERYTHING,
I WILL SAY EVERYTHING ♪

SO MANY WOMEN,
SO LITTLE TIME.

YOU HAVE SO LITTLE TIME
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SO MANY WOMEN.

SO...HOW'S GAY LIFE?

I HELPED SAM PICK OUT
A PAIR OF EARRINGS TONIGHT.

YOU'RE PATHETIC.

JUST LET IT GO.
JUST...

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT
ONE OF THREE WAYS YOU CAN GO

BEFORE YOU START
BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS.

ONE, YOU CAN TELL HER THE TRUTH
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

SAM'S A COMPLETE HONESTY FREAK.
IF SHE FINDS OUT

I LIED MY WAY TO GET IN,
I'M ON MY WAY OUT.

ALL RIGHT... TWO,
YOU CAN SETTLE DOWN WITH
A NICE FELLOW,

HANG OUT, SEE WHAT HAPPENS...
SAVE SOME MONEY, MOVE TO L.A.

WHAT'S BEHIND
CURTAIN NUMBER THREE?

YOU CAN GET LAID,
AND I MEAN RIGHT AWAY!

THE SOONER THE BETTER!

ONCE YOU'VE DONE THAT,
IT'LL BE A LOT EASIER
TO DEAL WITH

MISS "DO YOU MIND IF I WALK
AROUND IN MY UNDERWEAR?"

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( loud music and conversation
in background )

HI.

I'M IN TELEPHONE SALES.

I'M ALSO
A PRIZE-WINNING
JOURNALIST.

I CAN PREDICT
YOUR FUTURE.

JAPANESE FOOD
IS MY FAVORITE.

I'M KOREAN.

♪ IT'S STRANGE
HOW TOMORROW IS NOW TODAY ♪

♪
YOU BRING ALL MY YESTERDAYS ♪

( music continues )

OKAY, LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.

SO, DO YOU THINK SHE LIKES ME?

"DEFINITELY NOT."

GREAT.

-
HI!
- HI. HOW WAS DINNER?

C'ETAIT SI PARFAIT!

WHAT?

IT WAS SO ROMANTIC!

I MEAN, WE SPOKE FRENCH
PRACTICALLY THE WHOLE EVENING.

THE FOOD WAS FRENCH,
THE CHAMPAGNE WAS FRENCH,

- THE KISSES...
- ...FRENCH.

GOD, YOU KNOW,
I HAVE DREAMT ABOUT BEING
IN PARIS SO MUCH

IT FEELS LIKE
I'VE ALREADY BEEN THERE.

- WILL YOU RUB MY FEET?
- SURE.

I'VE DREAMT OF BEING
LOST IN THE LOUVRE,

PAINTING IN THE MONTMARTRE.

IT JUST HAS TO BE THE MOST
ROMANTIC PLACE ON EARTH.

YOU KNOW, BEN'S GOING
TO TAKE ME THERE.

OH WOW, SO YOU'RE REALLY
INTO THIS GUY...

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
WITH A MAN AND FELT LIKE

YOU'VE KNOWN HIM
YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

- YEAH, MY DAD.
- THAT'S HOW IT IS WITH BEN.

IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH,
BUT IT FEELS LIKE YEARS.

SO HE ASKED YOU
TO PARIS?

NO, NOT IN SO MANY WORDS,
BUT WE TALKED ABOUT IT...

WILL YOU RUB MY BACK?

ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DID YOU DO TONIGHT?

- DID YOU STAY IN?
- NO, I WENT OUT.

I WENT TO A BAR.

DID YOU MEET ANY
INTERESTING GUYS?

NO. NOT ONE.

OH, COME ON, PARKER,
YOU CAN TELL ME.

OH, THERE'S THIS ONE GUY...

- WELL?
- WELL WHAT?

- WELL, WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- UH...

BORIS!

YEAH, HE'S NOT FRENCH,
HE'S RUSSIAN.

I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER,
BUT HE PROBABLY WON'T CALL.

- YOU KNOW HOW MEN CAN BE.
- GOD, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT AN IDEA!
WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT WITH TOM?

TOM?

YOU KNOW, THE ALLERGIC GUY
WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT ME?

HE'S GAY?

YEAH...
( laughs )

AND HE'S AVAILABLE,
AND HE THOUGHT YOU WERE
ADORABLE.

OH... UH...

YOU SAID BLIND DATES SUCK.

THAT'S WHY IT'S SO PERFECT--
YOU'VE ALREADY MET!

AND TOM IS SUCH
A QUALITY GUY.

COME ON,
WE'LL MAKE IT
A DOUBLE DATE--

YOU AND TOM,
AND ME AND BEN.

COME ON, PARKER...
FOR YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND?

OH, SAM, NO. NO.

THEN WE'LL JUST
GO OUT WITH FRANK.

HE'S GAY,
AND HE'S SUPER CUTE.

HE'S THAT GUY IN COMMODITIES
I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

YOU GUYS CAN
TALK BUSINESS.

( oriental-style music )

DAMN... I CAN NEVER GET
THE HANG OF THESE THINGS.

THEY ALWAYS SLIP.

LIKE THIS.
IT'S EASY...LOOK.

NEED A LESSON?

A LESSON?

OH, NO.

I THINK I'LL STICK
TO MY FORK.

BEN'S RIGHT, PARKER.
IT'S REALLY EASY.

JUST LAY THE CHOPSTICKS
BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS...

GENTLY SQUEEZE...
PICK UP THE FOOD...

CHEW...

AND SWALLOW.

HERE!

OOOH, I THINK
I'VE GOT TO PEE!

TOO MUCH TEA!

HE IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU!

DO YOU THINK?

LOOK AT HIM!
HE CAN HARDLY SIT STILL.

ANYONE FOR A NIGHTCAP?

SORRY, I HAVE
AN EARLY COURT DATE.

YEAH. THANKS, TOM,
BUT I'M KIND OF TIRED.

YOU AND PARKER SHOULD GO.

NO!

I CAN'T LET YOU
WALK HOME ALONE.

WELL, WHO SAYS I'M
GOING HOME ALONE?

YOU DIDN'T BRING
YOUR KEYS.

IT'S OKAY,
I HAVE A SET.

- READY?
- YEAH.

YOU BOYS GO
AND HAVE FUN.

DON'T DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO!

YOU HEARD SAM...

LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.

♪ IT'S RAINING MEN!
HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAINING MEN! ♪

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY
HOT MEN IN ONE PLACE?

I CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.

THE CROWD'S A LOT
LIKE PIZZA!

YOU KNOW?
EVEN WHEN IT'S BAD,
IT'S GOOD!

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU WANTED
TO HOOK UP TONIGHT, PARKER.

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
A LOT SINCE WE FIRST MET.

I MEAN, THERE'S LOTS
OF ATTRACTIVE GUYS OUT THERE,

BUT IT'S HARD TO FIND ONE
THAT'S ALSO REAL.

YOU SEEM VERY REAL
TO ME...

AND A LITTLE SHY, TOO.
I LIKE THAT.

HEY, PARKER,
HOW ABOUT THAT BEER
YOU OWE ME!

MATT!

PLEASE, DON'T STOP
ON ACCOUNT OF ME.

I GOTTA TELL YOU, DUDE,
I AM SO SURPRISED RIGHT NOW.

I AM SO SURPRISED TOO!

BUT, HEY, COOL!
GLAD TO HAVE YOU...

ON "THE BUS."

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
- LOVE TO!

I'LL CATCH YOU
BACK AT THE OFFICE!

COUNTING ON IT.

( upbeat music )

( music changes to slow song )

HEY, LET'S GRAB A CAB.

I HAD A BLAST
TONIGHT, PARKER.

YEAH, IT WAS VERY...
DIFFERENT.

IT WAS DIFFERENT
FOR ME, TOO.

THIS IS MY STOP.

MAYBE WE CAN SEE
A MOVIE THIS WEEKEND.

OH, THAT'D BE--
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU
ON THAT.

THE GAY FILM FESTIVAL'S
PLAYING AT THE ANGELIKA.

THANK YOU
FOR THE FLOWERS.

ALL RIGHT, PARKER...

- SPILL!
- SPILL WHAT?

I'M DYING TO KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT BEN.

OH. HE SEEMS... NICE.

OH, COME ON...
COULD YOU BE MORE GENERIC?

- DON'T YOU THINK HE'S GORGEOUS?
- HE'S NOT MY TYPE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TYPE.

WELL, IF I HAD A TYPE,

HE WOULDN'T BE IT.

THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE,
TOM AND MY OTHER GAY FRIENDS

ARE LIKE,
NUTS ABOUT BEN.

I DON'T GET "NUTS"
ABOUT MANY MEN...

BUT THAT'S
JUST MY OPINION.

YOU KNOW I TRUST YOUR OPINION.
IF YOU SAID TO ME,

"HEY, SAM, I DON'T THINK
BEN'S RIGHT FOR YOU,"

- I'D LISTEN.
- YOU WOULD?
( gargling )

OF COURSE.
I WOULD TELL YOU

IF I THOUGHT A GUY
WAS WRONG FOR YOU.

I WOULD TELL YOU IF I THOUGHT
SOMEONE WAS RIGHT FOR YOU,

LIKE TOM.

YOU TWO WERE
SO ADORABLE TOGETHER!

SO, DID YOU HAVE FUN
AFTER WE LEFT?

OH, COME ON,
DON'T BE SO SHY.

I KNEW YOU GUYS
WOULD HIT IT OFF.

UH--I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE
KISS AND TELL TYPES.

OH, COME ON.
DON'T BE SUCH A PRUDE!

PARKER, CAN YOU
HAND ME THE SHAMPOO?

WELL... YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT BROUGHT UP TOM!

HEY, MATT,
ABOUT LAST NIGHT--

MAJOR SCENE LAST NIGHT--
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE!

- LAST NIGHT WAS A MISTAKE--
- I HAVE A SECRET!

I KNOW,
I'VE BEEN THERE.

LISTEN, PARKER,
YOU'LL COME OUT
WHEN YOU'RE READY.

AND WHEN YOU DO,
IT'LL BE THE MOST AWESOME
DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

BUT...

BUT-BUT-BUT...

UNTIL THEN,
DON'T WORRY, I KNOW.

IT WON'T LEAVE...

...THIS ROOM.
IT WILL NOT
LEAVE THIS ROOM!

OOH! WATCH YOUR HEAD,
WATCH YOUR HEAD!

BABY, I SMELL SOME GOSSIP.

I SMELL BIG FAT,
STINKY, JUICY GOSSIP.

TROY, MY FRIEND,
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

PARKER, I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND
TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

I HAVE TO CONVINCE SAM
I'M DATING SOMEONE ELSE,

OTHERWISE I WON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE
NOT TO GO OUT WITH TOM.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
MY BOYFRIEND, JUST ONE DATE.

PARKER, I AM NOT GOING
ON A DATE WITH YOU!

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
A REAL DATE!

JUST COME BY,
PICK ME UP,

AND WE'LL...
GO TO YOUR PLACE.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TELL SAM THE TRUTH?

JACK, PLEASE,
I REALLY NEED THIS.

- What's wrong with Tom?
- NOTHING! TOM'S A GREAT GUY--

HE SOUNDS LIKE
A HELLUVA CATCH!

JACK, I'LL MAKE IT
WORTH YOUR WHILE.

- GO, GIRL! OW!
- WHOO-HOO! YES...

- JACK?
- PARKER, NO!

NOT ONLY "NO," HELL NO!

NOT ONLY, "HELL NO,"
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS, NO!

BORIS! COME IN.

HELLO, TO YOU, PARKER.
I AM BROUGHT YOU

BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS TODAY
AND I HOPE YOU LIKE!

WHO THIS WOMAN SO BEAUTIFUL TO
MY EYES WHAT I AM SEEING TODAY?

HI, I'M SAM,
PARKER'S ROOMMATE.

WHAT A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU
ON THIS VERY WELL-ROUNDED DAY

FOR ME TO SEE YOU!

BORIS, DO YOU MIND
IF I STEAL PARKER AWAY

FOR JUST A MINUTE?

NYET! NO, NO...

JUST DON'T STEAL
FROM BORIS! HA HA!

- HERE.
- WHAT'S THIS FOR?

I BORROWED SOME CHANGE
FOR LAUNDRY.

YOU DO THE LAUNDRY,
I CAN AT LEAST PAY FOR IT.

BUT YOU WALK BARNEY
FOR ME ALL THE TIME.

BARNEY WALKS ME.
GIVE HIM THE TEN BUCKS.

SO, ARE YOU NERVOUS?

A LITTLE.

ARE THOSE FAKE?

UH... VERY NICE,
UM... PICTURES.

IN OUR COUNTRY,
WE CALL THEM

"PAINTINGS."

- "PANTIES?"
- NO, PAIN-TINGS.

- PAN-TIES.
- PAIN-TINGS.

- PAIN ... TIES...
- WE GOTTA GO.

WHAT IS THE LARGE RUSH?
I AM TALKING WITH SAM
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

8:30 RESERVATIONS.
WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE OUR TABLE.

YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD DINNER.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU, BORIS.

IT'S AN ENORMOUS,
LARGE VERY GOOD
PLEASURE FOR ME

AND I'M LOOKING VERY
FORWARD TO THE NEXT
TIME I EAT YOU.

THAT IS WHAT WE CALL
IN MY COUNTRY,

"FROM RUSSIA,
WITH LOVE."

FUCKING FOREIGNERS!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE KISSING ME!

LADIES FIRST,
MY GAY CABALLERO.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
- PARKER, SHE IS AMAZING!

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER!

I MADE MY BED
AND NOW I'M LYING IN IT.

DID YOU EVER THINK OF MAKING
HER BED AND LYING IN THAT?

SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND.

SO, PARKER,
EVERYONE IS AVAILABLE!

AND I MEAN, EVERYONE!

C'MON, I'LL BUY YOU
A PIZZA.

THEN, WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE
AND MAKE OUT.

THIS HAS GOT TO BE
THE MOST ROMANTIC PLACE

IN ALL OF MANHATTAN.

OUT OF ALL THE BOYS
IN THE CITY...

- YOU PICKED ME.
- ISN'T THAT SPECIAL?

HEY! CHECK THAT OUT, PARK.

YOU LIKE CARROT CAKE?

OH, NEVER MIND,
TAKE A NUMBER.

THAT'S BEN!

- BEN WHO?
- SAM'S BEN!

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT GUY I DIDN'T LIKE!

LET'S NOT JUMP
TO CONCLUSIONS.

MAYBE IT'S HIS SISTER.

MAYBE IT'S
HIS STEP-SISTER...

FROM ARKANSAS.

THIS IS GOING TO
BREAK SAM'S HEART.

YOU COULD TELL HER.

- HI.
- HI.

SO, ARE YOU IN LOVE?

LET'S JUST SAY,
I FEEL LIKE I'VE KNOWN
BORIS FOR YEARS.

PARKER,
THAT'S WONDERFUL!

HE'S SEXY...

IN A UNITED NATIONS
KIND OF WAY.

YOU COULD SAY THAT.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T
GO OUT WITH BORIS AND TOM.

GIVE THEM BOTH A CHANCE.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
I'M JUST... I'M KIND OF...

OLD-FASHIONED.

BESIDES, HOW WOULD
YOU FEEL IF, SAY...

BEN WAS SEEING YOU...

AND SOMEONE ELSE
AT THE SAME TIME?

OH, PARKER,
I THINK WE'RE
A LITTLE BEYOND THAT STAGE.

- SAM?
- YEAH?

DON'T TAKE THIS
PERSONALLY, BUT, UH...

YOU EVER FINISHED
ONE OF THOSE?

PICASSO SAID,
"A PAINTING IS NEVER FINISHED."

NO... BUT I WILL.

WHAT EXACTLY
ARE YOU PAINTING?

IT'S AN ABSTRACT
OF LOLITA AND BARNEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S A LITTLE
TOO ABSTRACT.

GOOD! 'CAUSE THAT MEANS
I CAN JUST PAINT RIGHT OVER IT.

THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT PAINTING,

IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMETHING,
JUST PAINT OVER IT
AND START FRESH.

COME HERE,
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

TA-DA!

I THOUGHT YOU COULD
USE SOME INSPIRATION...

THE ARTICLE STILL HAD
THE DATE ON TOP,

SO I CALLED YOUR HOMETOWN PAPER
AND REQUESTED ANOTHER COPY.

HERE'S THE REST
OF THE PAPER.

THERE WAS SOME REALLY
COOL STUFF THAT WAS
GOING ON HERE---

CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE KEPT YOU
FROM PURSUING YOUR DREAM,

BUT NOW YOU'RE GOING
TO GET BACK ON TRACK!

WHY CAN'T MEN
JUST BE HONEST?

YEAH, IF THEY'RE
INTERESTED,

WHY DON'T THEY JUST COME ON OUT
AND SAY, "HEY, I'M INTERESTED"?

EXACTLY-- AND NOT
CONCOCT SOME BIG LIE...

- JUST TO GET OUR PHONE NUMBER.
- YEAH, AND NEVER CALL.

LOSERS.

IT'S NO NEWSFLASH,
BUT REJECTION SUCKS.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU LIE,

YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT
SOMETIME,

SO WHAT'S THE POINT?

MEN ARE JUST
GIANT ARTICHOKES.

THEY'RE PRICKLY
AND HAIRY AND HARD

UNTIL YOU GET
TO THE HEART...

WHICH IS THE BEST PART.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE GAY?

Sam:
HE IS SWEET, ISN'T HE?

YOU EVER HAD
YOUR ASS WAXED?

DID I MENTION,
SAM'S FRIEND KATE
SORT OF HIT ON ME THE OTHER DAY?

OH, THAT MAKES SENSE...
"TURN GAY, ATTRACT WOMEN."

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD.
EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN "GAY,"

I'VE FELT MORE COMFORTABLE
AROUND WOMEN THAN EVER.

OF COURSE, YOU'VE GOT
NOTHING AT STAKE.

YOU'RE JUST WAITING FOR SAM
AND HER BOYFRIEND TO BREAK UP.

'TIL THEN, NO OTHER WOMAN
IN THE WORLD EXISTS FOR YOU.

THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!

OH, YEAH?
WHAT'D YOU THINK OF HER?

- WHO?
- I REST MY CASE.

WOULD YOU LIGHT SOME
CANDLES FOR AMBIENCE?

- SURE.
-
BEN'S ON HIS WAY OVER.

( knock at door )

THAT'S BEN.
WOULD YOU GET THAT,

AND TELL HIM I'LL BE
OUT IN A MINUTE?

ONLY IF I CAN
UNLEASH THE ANIMALS.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP!

I'LL LET HIM IN!

WHEN I LET HIM IN,
YOU BITE HIM!

RIP HIS HEAD OFF!

( whispering )
READY, WHEN I LET HIM IN,
YOU BITE HIM. COME ON!

( dog barking )

COME ON, YEAH COME ON!
GET HIM! GO!

HEY, PARK.
WHERE YOU GOING?

WHERE'S MY GIRL?

SHE'S PUTTING THE FINISHING
TOUCHES ON HER MAKE-UP.

WOMEN... BUT I GUESS YOU
DON'T HAVE THAT HASSLE, HUH?.

SO, DO ALL THE WOMEN
THAT YOU DATE

TAKE A LONG TIME
WITH THEIR MAKE-UP?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I SAW YOU WITH THAT GIRL.

- OH, YOU MEAN...
- DON'T EVEN!

YOU DIDN'T TELL SAM, DID YOU?

NO, THAT'S YOUR JOB.

THIS IS GOING TO HURT HER.

NO, YOU ALREADY HURT HER,
SHE JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.

I KNOW, BUT I'VE GOT THIS
THING FOR BLONDES, YOU KNOW.

SHE WAS A REDHEAD.

WAIT A MINUTE...
"MR. INNOCENT."

YOU DON'T THINK I SEE
THE WAY YOU LOOK AT HER?

YOU MAY HAVE HER FOOLED BY THIS
LITTLE CHARADE OF YOURS...

BUT I KNOW!

KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE... BISEXUAL.

WHAT!?

DON'T YOU EVEN THINK
ABOUT TURNING THIS AROUND

WHEN YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW
THAT YOU KNOW---

WHAT ARE YOU TWO GETTING
SO INTENSE ABOUT?

- FOOTBALL.
- BASEBALL.

- BASEBALL.
- FOOTBALL...

SPORTS.

PARKER, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE INTO SPORTS.

OH SURE, I MEAN,
ALL THOSE GUYS TOGETHER

WITH THEIR TIGHT, MUSCULAR,
COLORFUL UNIFORMS?

WE SHOULD GO.

WHY? I THOUGHT WE'D
HANG OUT HERE FOR AWHILE.

YEAH, BUT I'M
REALLY HUNGRY...

YEAH, BEN'S GOT
QUITE THE... "APPETITE."

IT SEEMS I'M NOT
THE ONLY ONE.

PARKER, DO YOU WANT
TO JOIN US?

OH NO, I...

UH... I ATE.

BUT I THINK YOU AND BEN HAVE
A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, PROBABLY.

LET'S GO.

- BYE.
- BYE.

BISEXUAL?!

( glass breaking )

SAM?

SAM?

SHIT!

SAM, NO!
YOU'LL CUT YOUR FINGERS!

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO GET A GLASS OF WINE.

( sighs )

OH, PARKER!

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU KNEW!
YOU KNEW ALL ALONG!

KNEW WHAT?

YOU KNEW BEN WASN'T
RIGHT FOR ME,

YOU NEVER SAID SO,
BUT YOU KNEW.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

PARKER, HE'S BEEN
SEEING OTHER WOMEN!

OH, I'M SORRY.

GOD, WHAT A WAY
TO FIND OUT.

- HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?
- HE TOLD ME!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE SHIT ALSO SAYS HE HAS
TO GO AWAY FOR A YEAR!

WHY?

FOR BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE?

HE'S GOING TO PARIS!

AND HE'S NOT TAKING ME!

HE DIDN'T EVEN
ASK ME TO GO.

HE SAID HE LOVED ME
BUT NOT IN AN EXCLUSIVE WAY.

WHAT THE HELL
KIND OF LOVE IS THAT?

IT'S A SELFISH
KIND OF LOVE.

PARKER, WHY DO MEN
HAVE TO LIE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW...

I THINK
SOMETIMES 'CAUSE...

THE TRUTH HURTS.

THE TRUTH ONLY HURTS
WHEN IT FOLLOWS A LIE.

♪ DRY YOUR EYES, I'M HERE NOW

♪ WE'LL GET THROUGH
THIS SOMEHOW ♪

PARKER, ARE YOU SLEEPING?

NO.

- CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?
- YEAH, ANYTHING.

CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU?

I DON'T MEAN LIKE THAT.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

OKAY.

THANKS, YOU'RE THE BEST.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M OKAY. IT JUST
HURTS A LITTLE BIT.

I GUESS YOU'RE NOT
USED TO SLEEPING
WITH GIRLS, HUH?

- MY SISTER.
- YOUR SISTER?

YEAH, MY PARENTS, THEY USED
TO ARGUE ALL THE TIME.

SO I'D RUN DOWN THE HALL
AND JUMP IN BED WITH HER.

SHE'D TELL ME
TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

AND COUNT ALL THE STARS AND THEN
EVERYTHING WOULD BE OKAY.

WAS IT...
OKAY?

I'D FALL ASLEEP BEFORE
I COUNTED ALL THE STARS.

- GOOD NIGHT, PARKER.
- GOOD NIGHT, SAM.

♪ I HAVE NO DOUBT
THAT I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY I COME TO YOU

PARKER, DO YOU THINK
PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED?

YEAH, I DO.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU SLEPT TOGETHER, ALL NIGHT,

IN THE SAME BED, SIDE BY SIDE,
BUT NOTHING HAPPENED, RIGHT?

NOTHING PHYSICAL,
JUST SPIRITUAL.

I GOTTA TELL YOU,
YOU'RE SCARING ME.

- WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
- WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?

IF I GOTTA TELL YOU...

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE GAY.

A BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN
ACTUALLY TRUSTS ME.

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

YEAH, IF YOU'RE A PRIEST.

LOOK AT THAT.

OH MY GOD... WHOO,
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

PARKER, ARE YOU HOME?

- HI!
-
HI.

YOU'RE READING
THAT OLD MAGAZINE AGAIN?

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR LAST NIGHT.

ANYTIME.

IT WAS JUST REALLY
SWEET OF YOU TO
PUT UP WITH ME.

( laughing and dog barking )

- WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA TONIGHT?
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

A LITTLE MILES DAVIS
AND A QUART OF BEN & JERRY'S.

NO, NO, NO... WE ARE
GOING OUT TONIGHT!

OH, NO, NOT TONIGHT.

C'MON,
IT'S HALLOWEEN!

C'MON, WHAT SOUNDS
LIKE FUN?

WELL...

KATE AND HOLLY ARE GOING
TO TOM'S HALLOWEEN PARTY.

SURE! THAT SOUNDS GREAT!
LET'S GO.

( techno music )

I LOOK LIKE MY MOTHER!

NO, ACTUALLY, YOU LOOK
LIKE YOUR FATHER.

ANYBODY GOT A LIGHT?

OH MY GOD... TOM?
I ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!

IT'S NOT EVERY DAY
I DRESS LIKE A GIANT BUTT!

HEY, WHERE'S PARKER?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER.
ISN'T SHE CUTE?

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
A FRUIT SALAD! RUFF!

HEY, DANCE WITH ME!
EXCUSE US!

- I THINK YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
- THANK YOU!

WE'RE GOING TO GO
GET A DRINK...

FIRST YOU'RE DATING MEN,
NOW YOU'RE WEARING DRESSES.

WHAT'S NEXT,
BREAST IMPLANTS?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE,
A VILLAGE PERSON?

BORIS LIKE TOOL.

NICE PUMPS.
WHERE'D YOU FIND
A SIZE THAT FIT YOU?

SAM'S EX-ROOMMATE.

I THOUGHT SHE JUST
HAD GUYS AS ROOMMATES.

...OH.

WOW...
HE CAN DANCE.

- HEY, GUYS!
- HELLO, SAM!.

BORIS! THIS IS TOM.

TOM, THIS IS BORIS.

VILLAGE PEOPLE-- CLEVER.

BORIS, WHY DON'T
YOU GIVE TOM

ONE OF YOUR SPECIAL
RUSSIAN GREETINGS?

I GO GET A WODKA.

LATER, GIRLS.

I GUESS IT'S JUST
US CROSS-DRESSERS.

I GUESS.

GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE!

( "Hot, Hot, Hot" plays )

C'MON YOU GUYS,
JOIN IN THE FUN!

I HAVE GOT
TO GET THESE OFF!

GOD, TELL ME
ABOUT IT.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE
THIS LEASH OFF!

YOU KNOW, PARKER, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO WALK ME HOME.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO STAY WITH BORIS.

OH, I THINK BORIS HAD
HIS EYES ON SOMEONE ELSE.

I HATE TO
SAY THIS, PARKER,

BUT I THINK BORIS
IS A HUGE FLAKE.

YOU COULD DO
A LOT BETTER.

( Billy Paul's
"Me and Mrs. Jones" plays )

I KNOW.

SPEAKING OF HUGE FLAKES,

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN
SO WRONG ABOUT BEN?

SOMETIMES WITH THE PEOPLE
THAT WE'RE ATTRACTED TO,

WE ONLY SEE
THE GOOD THINGS.

I KNOW, JUST WHY DO I ALWAYS
FALL FOR THE "HALF-PEOPLE"?

YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO'S
MARRIED TO HIS WORK;

THE GUY WHO'S COMMITTED
TO SOMEONE ELSE;

THE GUY WHO JUST NEEDS
TO BE COMMITTED.

BLAME IT ON YOUR PARENTS,
EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.

WHAT WERE YOUR PARENTS LIKE,
WHEN YOU WERE GROWING UP?

GROWING UP... I WAS DEFINITELY
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL.

ALTHOUGH HE DIDN'T KNOW IT.
HE WASN'T AROUND MUCH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
WHERE WAS HE?

WHEN I WAS 14, HE TOOK OFF
WITH ANOTHER WOMAN,

YOU KNOW, LEFT ME AND MY MOM
FEELING PRETTY UNWANTED.

I COULD IMAGINE...

THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

YEAH.

I JUST REALIZED IF I DIDN'T
INVEST TOO MUCH EMOTION

IN ANY ONE THING,
I COULDN'T GET

TOO BADLY HURT IF
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
THE DIVORCE

DIDN'T MAKE ME
A GREAT FINISHER.

WELL, YOU'RE GREAT
AT EVERYTHING ELSE.

- C'MON!
- WHAT?

YOU LEAD.

I THINK IT'S LIKE THIS.

( record skipping )

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
AND THESE WORN-OUT RECORDS?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH CDs?

I DON'T KNOW--
SOMETHING ABOUT THE SOUND.
IT TRANSFORMS ME.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE NEEDLE
AGAINST THE VINYL.

IT'S ALL THAT... CONTACT.

- WHAT ARE WE DOING?
- I DON'T KNOW.

- YOU KNOW, WE SHOULDN'T.
- I KNOW.

PARKER, ARE YOU REALLY
ATTRACTED TO ME?

OR IS THIS JUST
TO GET BACK AT BORIS?

BORIS IS THE FARTHEST THING
FROM MY MIND.

IS THIS TO GET BACK AT BEN?

WHO'S BEN?

SEE SOMETHING UNUSUAL?

WHAT, A WOMAN IN MY BED?

THIS IS MY BED.

OH, RIGHT.

I HAD A FANTASTIC TIME
LAST NIGHT.

ME, TOO. IT WAS JUST
FULL OF SURPRISES.

DRESS UP LIKE A MAN AND YOU
NEVER KNOW WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

- HOW DRUNK WERE WE?
- NOT THAT DRUNK.

IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL
A ONE-NIGHT STAND?

THAT ONLY APPLIES
TO STRANGERS.

I'M GUESSING YOU FELT
STRANGER THAN I DID.

ACTUALLY, IT FELT
PERFECTLY NATURAL.

I HOPE THIS
WASN'T A MISTAKE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE
SURE WAY TO FIND OUT.

( giggles )

WAIT!

I CAN'T STAY VERY LONG.
I GOTTA GOT TO WORK TODAY.

SO, DID YOU HAVE FUN
LAST NIGHT?

YEAH, I GOT HIT ON
ABOUT 20 TIMES,

EVEN BY A WOMAN.
AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS A WOMAN.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU GOT LAID!

YEAH, I DON'T THINK
THEY HEARD YOU IN BROOKLYN.

I DIDN'T GET LAID...
I MADE IT UP.

PARKER, YOU KNOW, YOUR AURA
IS SO CLEAR AND SO BRIGHT!

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE FINALLY
REACHING YOUR TRUE GOAL.

I DO.

- YOU ARE THE BEST!
- ( squeals )

HAVE YOU EVER FELT
LIKE YOU'RE INVISIBLE?

ONLY AROUND YOU, KIM!

OKAY, HANDSOME,
WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- WHAT'S WHOSE NAME?
- TELL US YOUR BABY DADDY!

I HATE TO DISAPPOINT YOU.
FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL,
I AM NOT GAY.

I MET AN AMAZING WOMAN.

YOU ARE SUCH
THE QUEEN OF DENIAL!

- C'MON, WE'RE UNDERSTANDING...
- NO, WE'LL PLAY ALONG.

WHAT'S "HER" NAME--
STEVE?

- OR BILLY?
- OH, BILLY!

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL,
YOU GUYS CAN BELIEVE

WHAT YOU WANT,
EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

- FUN BOY, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
- IT'S COOL...

WHEN YOU'RE
READY THOUGH...

WHEN YOU'RE READY
TO COME OUT THE CLOSET,

WE'RE RIGHT THERE FOR YOU, MAN.
YOU CAN TALK TO US.

( telephones ringing )

OH, YEAH!

Into headset:
PSYCHIC PALS HOTLINE...

- HOW'S MY FAVORITE ARTISTE?
- GREAT! HOW ABOUT YOU?

- LOOK!
- OH, WOW! MY FAVORITE.

I THINK YOU HAVE IT
BACKWARDS THOUGH.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BUY ME DINNER
BEFORE WE SLEEP TOGETHER.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'M SEXUALLY DYSLEXIC.

OH MY GOD, "WEST SIDE STORY!"
OH, YOU'RE THE BEST!

NO, NOT THE CART AGAIN.

- HOW ABOUT THE FLOOR?
- ( squeals with delight )

( classical music )

♪ NEVER COULD FIND MYSELF

♪ TIL I FOUND YOU

♪ MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES

♪ I COULDN'T UNDO

♪ ON AND ON,
AS THE WHEELS KEEP TURNING ♪

♪ ALL OF MY LIFE, MY HEART'S
BEEN YEARNING FOR YOU ♪

♪ IF YOU ONLY KNEW
THE WAY I FEEL ♪

♪ NO WORDS REVEAL
HOW MUCH I WANT YOU ♪

♪ IF YOU ONLY KNEW

♪ THAT SOMEONE'S THERE
WHO REALLY CARES ♪

♪ BABY, IF YOU ONLY KNEW...

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.

TWO BUCKS AND YOU'RE ON.

OKAY, BUT IT
BETTER BE GOOD.

IT IS GOOD,
ISN'T IT?

OF COURSE...
MOSTLY.

MOSTLY? OKAY, I THINK
I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE JUST...
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

EVERYTHING'S BEEN SO GREAT
THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,

BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE
THE CLOCK'S TICKING.

OH SWEETHEART,
I KNOW WOMEN WORRY

ABOUT THEIR
BIOLOGICAL CLOCKS, BUT--

NOT MINE, YOURS!

I'VE SEEN IT WITH A LOT
OF MY GAY FRIENDS.

THEY THINK ITS COOL
TO BE WITH A WOMAN,

SATISFY THEIR CURIOSITY,
PLEASE THEIR PARENTS.

THEN NATURE STEPS IN,
AND THEY'RE BACK AT THE BARS.

AND I CAN'T COMPETE
WITH THAT.

TRUST ME,
I KNOW THIS IS RIGHT.

DON'T SAY THAT--
BEN SAID THAT.

THEY ALL SAY THAT.

WE'LL JUST KEEP DOING
WHAT WE'RE DOING,

BUT THE MOMENT
THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT,

YOU'VE GOT TO BE
HONEST WITH ME, OKAY?

AND YOU WITH ME.

( telephones ringing )

- THANK YOU.
- KEEP THEM.

Into headset:
PSYCHIC PALS...

- YOU OUTTA HERE?
- OVER AND OUT.

- I'M JEALOUS.
- SO AM I.

BECAUSE?

BECAUSE SOMEBODY
HAS A NEW HONEY.

YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE...

AND YOU TREATED ME
LIKE I WAS FROM VENUS.

MEN ARE FROM MARS,
WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.

LOOK, PARKER,
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR WRITERS,

I'M LOOKING FOR IDEAS...
IDEAS WITH HEART.

IF YOU PITCH ME
A GREAT IDEA WITH HEART,

YOU GET TO WRITE IT.

THAT'S THE WONDERFUL
WORLD OF FREELANCE.

ACTUALLY, I'M WORKING ON THIS...
PSYCHIC HOTLINE ARTICLE.

- GOOD. HOW DOES IT END?
- HOW DOES IT END?

I DON'T KNOW,
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN THAT FAR.

WELL, YOU CAN'T WRITE IT
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

JOURNALISM 101.

I GUESS I MISSED
CLASS THAT DAY.

YOU MUST OF MISSED
CLASS THAT DAY.

THAT'S CUTE.
THAT'S CUTE!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

YOU BRING ME AN ENDING,
AND WE'LL TALK.

IS UNCLE CHARLIE'S
STILL A GAY BAR?

IS THE POPE STILL CATHOLIC?

OKAY, STUPID QUESTION.

I DON'T KNOW.

DID YOU GET TOM'S OPINION
ON ALL OF THIS?

YEAH, AND HE KNOWS LOTS OF GAY
GUYS WHO'VE SLEPT WITH WOMEN.

AND?

AND...A LEOPARD DOESN'T
CHANGE ITS SPOTS.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO THINK.

- HELP ME.
- I WISH I COULD.

CALL A PSYCHIC!

YEAH, RIGHT...

( congested )
HER NAME IS SUE.

SHE'S HAVING BOYFRIEND PROBLEMS.
YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

ACHOO!

I'M SORRY.
THANKS, HOLD THAT FOR ME.

( violent hacking )

Into telephone:
HI, SUE?
THIS IS... NORMAN.

I SENSE YOU HAVE
ROMANTIC PROBLEMS...

Female voice:
Yeah, Norman, I do.

AND YOU'RE AT A CROSSROADS
IN YOUR LIFE.

Well, there was this one guy,
who I really liked

and then I found out
he was seeing other women,

but he moved away, anyway.

Then I started
seeing my friend...

I mean, my roommate--
but there's a problem.

WHAT'S THAT?

He's gay.

Well, he was gay.

He's bisexual... I think.

SUE, WHERE ARE YOU
CALLING FROM?

Well, you tell me.

NEW YORK CITY?

I'm impressed,
but you might have Caller I.D.

UH, I SENSE ...

A CAT IN YOUR PRESENCE.

- What's her name?
- HER NAME IS ...

IT STARTS WITH
AN...AN "L."

Close enough.

TELL ME ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND.

He was never gay.

WHAT?!

WHAT I MEAN IS THAT
HE ALWAYS PRETENDED

TO BE SOMEONE HE WASN'T BECAUSE
HE NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE

WITH WHO HE WAS,
UNTIL YOU CAME INTO HIS LIFE.

You mean I made him straight?

YEAH, YOU COULD SAY
YOU STRAIGHTENED HIM OUT.

WELL, I MEAN,
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GUY?

WHO AM I SUPPOSED
TO TRULY BE WITH?

THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION
WILL BE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU,

BUT YOUR HAPPINESS
WILL ONLY COME

WITH YOUR ABILITY
TO FORGIVE.

He's right in front of you.

All you have to do
is open your eyes.

SUE?

SAM? SAM? SAM?!

- COVER FOR ME! WILL YOU?
- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

( door opening )

PARKER, IS THAT YOU?

PARKER, HI!
YOU REMEMBER...BEN.

SURE.

- HOW'S PARIS, BEN?
- FINE, THANKS FOR ASKING.

WOMEN TREATING YOU WELL?

GUESS I SHOULD
ASK YOU THE SAME.

BEN, I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

YOU'RE HOME EARLY.

PARKER, WHO'S "K?"

KEVIN? KYLE?

- KIM.
- KIM.

THAT'S AN ODD NAME FOR A MAN.
IS HE CHINESE?

KIM'S A WOMAN.

YOU MET A WOMAN
AT UNCLE CHARLIE'S?

I'VE NEVER BEEN
TO UNCLE CHARLIE'S.

KIM'S A WOMAN FROM WORK.

SHE PROBABLY GOT THE MATCHES
FROM ONE OF THE GUYS--

THE GAY GUYS AT WORK.

SAM...

I HAVE A
CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I'M NOT...

I'M NOT IN TELEPHONE SALES.

I WORK FOR
THE PSYCHIC PALS NETWORK.

I'M NORMAN.

BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY PSYCHIC POWERS.

IT'S A STUPID JOB!

I DIDN'T TELL YOU THE TRUTH
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU

TO THINK I WAS SOME SORT
OF FLAKE OR SOME SORT OF FREAK.

YOU LIED TO ME?

LOOK, NOTHING EVER
HAPPENED WITH KIM.

I BELIEVE NOTHING
HAPPENED WITH KIM...

FOR THE SAME REASON THAT
I BELIEVE WE HAVE NO FUTURE...

BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY, PARKER!

I'M NOT GAY!

I'VE NEVER BEEN GAY.

I ONLY SAID THAT
SO YOU'D RENT ME THE ROOM.

YOU SEE...

EVER SINCE I BOUGHT
THAT PUMPKIN...

I'VE KNOWN THAT I'VE BEEN
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

AND I DIDN'T WANT
TO LOSE YOU.

I'VE NEVER KNOWN
HOW TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

BORIS?

JACK.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

I TRUSTED YOU.
I CARED ABOUT YOU.

I LOVED YOU.

DON'T!

DON'T BE HERE
WHEN I GET BACK!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

LOOK, WALTER, I CAN'T PREDICT
WHERE YOU'RE GONNA FIND

THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS.
IF I DID, I'D DO IT MYSELF!

( wrapper crinkling )

UH, THERE SEEMS TO BE
SOME STATIC, WALTER.

I'LL HAVE TO
PUT YOU ON HOLD.

HI.

I'M WATCHING YOU, CONCORDE.

WELL, IT SEEMS TO BE
ALL BETTER NOW.

YOU KNOW, WALTER?

I CAN TELL YOU THIS FOR SURE.

IF YOU MEET
THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS,

DON'T LIE TO HER.

♪ WE'VE BEEN RUNNING 'ROUND
TRYING TO FIND OURSELVES ♪

♪ TRYING TO WALK ON WATER

♪ TOO MANY MILES WE WALK ALONE

♪ LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR WHAT
WAS ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ DOING IT ALL THE HARD WAY

♪ TOO MANY DREAMS
WE DREAM APART ♪

♪ TOO MANY NIGHTS
SPENT IN THE DARK ♪

SAM? ARE YOU THERE?

If you're there,
please pick up...

I MISS YOU.

♪ LOOK FOR ME,
I WILL BE THERE ♪

♪ REACH FOR ME,
I WILL BE THERE ♪

- ARGH!
- ( machine rattling )

WHAT'S WRONG, PAL?

SAM LEFT ME.

AH, C'MON, PARK, THERE'S PLENTY
OF GUYS OUT THERE FOR YOU!

- SAM'S A GIRL!
- OOH, A GIRL!

I LIKE WOMEN!

GOOD, GOOD.
THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT!

JOIN THE CLUB!
SEE, THAT'S WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT!

YEAH, DOES JACK
KNOW ABOUT THIS?

I WENT OUT WITH JACK
TO AVOID TOM.

BUT YOU AND TOM
WERE SO CUTE TOGETHER!

MY GIRLFRIEND SET ME UP
SO I HAD TO GO OUT WITH TOM!

WHY WOULD YOUR GIRLFRIEND
SET YOU UP WITH A GUY?

- SHE THOUGHT I WAS GAY.
- KINKY.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND SET YOU UP
WITH A GUY 'CAUSE SHE THOUGHT
YOU WERE GAY,

BUT THE GUY AIN'T GAY,
YOU'RE STRAIGHT...
AND YOUR GIRL...

- THAT WAS SWEET OF HER.
- I'M OUTTA HERE.

DAMN, THAT AIN'T SWEET,
THAT'S CONFUSING!

- YOU KNOW, HE'D BE GREAT--
- AT A THREESOME ...

- YEAH ...
- YOU TWO CONFUSED TOO! I'M OUT.

- PARKER!
- YES?

- WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
- I'M CHANGING MY LIFE!

GOOD TIMING...

MANCINI, YOU ARE
A DAMN GOOD AGENT.

( crying )
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE A LIVING!

SEE YOU DOWNSTAIRS,
McCURLY.

AGENT?

LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES,
AND JOANNE JUST GOT
ONE BIG SURPRISE.

YOUR FOXY LADY HERE IS AN
UNDERCOVER AGENT FOR THE FBI.

WHO KNEW?

WELL, AS THEY SAY
AT THE BUREAU,

"YOU HAVE TO SEIZE LIFE
BEFORE IT SEIZES YOU!"

RIGHT!

- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, BUT WHAT FOR?

FOR GIVING ME
"AN ENDING."

SO THE ONE WHO CLAIMED
TO BE THE PSYCHIC

TURNS OUT TO BE
AN FBI AGENT,

WHO BUSTS THE WHOLE THING
AND IN THE END,

YOU SEE THE LADY COMING OUT
AND SHE'S CUFFED!

I LOVE IT!

HOW SOON CAN YOU
GET ME 5,000 WORDS?

TWO WEEKS.

YOU'VE GOT ONE WEEK.
AND MAKE IT GOOD.

SHIT, MAKE IT BRILLIANT!

CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU'VE GOT A JOB.

- THANKS.
- HEY PARKER, I MEANT TO ASK...

HOW DID YOU LEAVE YOUR JOB
OVER AT "THE NEW YORK MINUTE"?

WELL, THE MAGAZINE FOLDED...

ACTUALLY, I WAS FIRED.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST.

RIGHT.

HI, I'M HERE TO SEE MATT...

HE'S GOT BLOND HAIR,
HE'S KIND OF--

( techno music and cheers )

MATT! MATT!

MATT!

MATT!!

( more cheers )

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TIGER?
- I'M LOOKING FOR TOM!

TOM? TOM'S UH...
RIGHT THERE.
HE'S DANCING.

- GREAT!
- SEE YA, MAN!

HI, TOM.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR HURTING SAM,

AND FOR NOT BEING
STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

THAT'S JUST IT,
YOU WERE STRAIGHT WITH ME!

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
YOU WERE THE BEST DATE
I'D HAD IN MONTHS!

BETTER THAN BORIS?

BETTER THAN BORIS.

( music changes to slow song )

FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE?

SO HOW'S SAM?

I FOUND A NEW ROOMMATE--
BARNEY.

- SAM'S DOG?
- YEAH.

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE ALLERGIC.

THAT'S JUST CATS.
WE'LL BE FINE.

WHY IS BARNEY
LIVING WITH YOU?

I GUESS YOU
HAVEN'T HEARD...

SAM IS GOING OUT
OF THE COUNTRY.

BEN'S TAKING HER TO PARIS
TOMORROW NIGHT.

FOR HOW LONG?

A YEAR.

UNLESS... SOMEBODY
CAN STOP HER.

♪ LOVE IS NOT A PLACE

♪ LOVE IS NOT A TIME

♪ LOVE IS NOT A STATE

♪ AND LOVE IS NEVER
IN YOUR MIND ♪

HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE'S NOT GAY?

I DON'T KNOW.
HE JUST CAME BY
TO APOLOGIZE.

HE WAS ACTUALLY
VERY SWEET ABOUT IT.

HE JUST TOOK
A WRITING ASSIGNMENT
WITH "THE VILLAGE VOICE."

OH, LET ME GUESS--
"I WAS QUEEN FOR A DAY"?

TURNS OUT, THE FBI SHUT DOWN
THE PSYCHIC PALS NETWORK,

SO PARKER'S DOING
A STORY ON IT.

TOM, DID YOU TELL PARKER
ABOUT BEN AND ME?

SAM, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN YOU NEEDED A FRIEND,
WAS PARKER A FRIEND?

AND WHEN YOU NEEDED A LOVER,
WASN'T PARKER A GREAT LOVER?

GOOD LOVER.

REALLY? BECAUSE I SEEM TO
REMEMBER YOU SAYING,

"OH, TOM, HE'S SUCH
A GREAT LOVER!"

OKAY, OKAY!

WHEN YOU NEEDED
A GAY ROOMMATE,

WASN'T PARKER
A GAY ROOMMATE?

TOM, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

JUST THIS-- EVER SINCE
I'VE KNOWN YOU,

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO FIND THE KIND OF MAN

WHO'S EVERYTHING
YOU NEEDED...

UNTIL NOW.

YEAH, EVERYTHING...

EXCEPT HONEST.

SAM?

♪ I KNOW THAT LOVE
HAS LET YOU DOWN ♪

♪ STILL I WISH YOU'D STAY
JUST ANOTHER DAY ♪

( sirens blaring )

♪ DO YOU FEEL IT?

♪ ALL THAT YOU'VE LOST
STILL CAN BE FOUND ♪

SAM? SAM!
I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

I KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN I CAUSED.

I'M REALLY SORRY!

♪ LOOK FOR ME

♪ I WILL BE THERE

♪ REACH FOR ME,
I WILL BE THERE ♪

I LOVE YOU, SAM!

♪ YOU GOTTA TRY
TO MAKE LOVE LAST ♪

♪ BABY, DON'T YOU BE
THE LAST TO LEARN ♪

♪ IT'S HERE AND NOW

♪ LOVE WON'T BREAK
YOUR HEART THIS TIME ♪

I LOST HER, JACK.

C'MON, MAN.

THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS
LIVES TEN BLOCKS FROM HERE.

TOMORROW SHE'S GONNA LIVE
10,000 MILES FROM HERE,

AND YOU'RE TELLING ME

YOU CAN'T GET UP OFF THE COUCH
AND TRY TO WIN HER BACK?

JESUS CHRIST, MAN.
YOU ARE REALLY PATHETIC.

- ME?
-
YEAH, YOU.

WELL, IF I'M PATHETIC,
YOU'RE PATHETIC-ER!

NICE ONE, WRITER BOY.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SPEND MORE THAN
ONE NIGHT WITH THE SAME WOMAN!

AT LEAST I'M NOT SITTING ON THE
COUCH FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE?

ENLIGHTEN ME.

ANNIE.

ANNIE...

THE ONE THAT MARRIED THAT
HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER FROM--

- ...BROOKLYN.
- YEAH.

SHE WAS THE ONE,
AND I BLEW IT.

PARKER, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT LOVE,

BUT I KNOW THAT
I WOULD TRADE

ALL THE ONE-NIGHT-STANDS

FOR ONE MORE CHANCE
WITH ANNIE.

SHE WON'T EVEN
LET ME IN.

SHE LET YOU IN ONCE,

SHE'LL LET YOU IN AGAIN.

THIS TIME--
BE YOURSELF.

HI.

- HI!
- WHERE'S SAM?

SHE WENT TO
THE AIRPORT WITH BEN.

HOW LONG AGO?

ABOUT AN HOUR?

WHAT AIRPORT?

JFK.

I GUESS SHE DIDN'T
TAKE THAT WITH HER.

WHAT AIRLINE?

AMERICAN.

THANKS.

♪ ...ABOUT THE FUTURE

♪ OH...

♪ OH...

♪ AND I FEEL

♪ THIS MOMENT SLIP AWAY

♪ AND I PLANNED THE WORDS

♪ BUT NOTHING COMES MY WAY

♪ AND YOU SEE

♪ AND YOU LOOK AT ME

♪ YOU LOOK AT ME
THAT WAY... ♪

♪ THAT WAY

HI! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- ALEX.
- ARE YOU LOST?

I CAN'T FIND
MY MOMMY AND DADDY.

( winded )

SIR, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH. I NEED TO GET
ON THIS PLANE!

OKAY, I JUST NEED TO SEE
YOUR BOARDING PASS, PLEASE.

OH, YOU CAN'T PURCHASE
A TICKET HERE AT THE GATE,

YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY GO
TO THE TICKET COUNTER.

WHERE'S THAT?

Intercom:
Final boarding call...

for American Airlines
Flight 143 to Paris.

THE PERSON THAT I LOVE
MORE THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE

IS ABOUT TO LEAVE.

HAVE YOU EVER
LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH

THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING?

I MEAN, THINGS THAT YOU NEVER
EVEN IMAGINED YOU WOULD DO?

YES.

SAM?

DON'T LEAVE!
JUST HEAR ME OUT.

I'LL TAKE YOU TO PARIS ONE DAY,
JUST GIVE ME SOME TIME.

- I CAME TO SAY---
- NO, NO!

LOOK, I LEARNED SOMETHING
FROM YOU, SAM.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU ARE,
IT MATTERS WHO YOU ARE...

AND THE WHO
THAT I AM,

IS IN LOVE
WITH YOU.

I CAME TO SAY
GOODBYE TO BEN.

OH, PARKER, I WOULD
LOVE TO GO TO PARIS

AND I GUESS I WAS IN LOVE
WITH THE IDEA OF BEN,

BUT I'VE GOT
A PROBLEM.

I'M IN LOVE
WITH THIS OTHER GUY.

YEAH, YOU.

- GOD, I MISSED YOU!
- I MISSED YOU!

MY TURN
FOR CONFESSION.

THIS IS WHAT
I PRAYED FOR.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME AROUND 'CAUSE
I WAS ABOUT TO HAVE A CORONARY.

ME TOO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT
CHANGED YOUR MIND,

AS LONG AS YOU
CHANGED YOUR MIND...

BUT WHY DID YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND?

YOUR LETTER...
YOU'RE NOT A BAD WRITER.

DID YOU EVER THINK
OF MAKING A LIVING AT IT?

I'M A PRIZE-WINNING
JOURNALIST!

♪ IF YOU ONLY KNEW
THAT SOMEONE'S THERE ♪

♪ WHO REALLY CARES

♪ BABY,
IF YOU ONLY KNEW ♪

♪ I NEVER COULD LOVE MYSELF

♪ UNTIL I LOVED YOU

♪ NEVER KNEW WHO I WAS...

♪ SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH

♪ YOU BECAME MY FRIEND

♪ BEFORE WE WERE LOVERS

♪ NOW I SWEAR THERE CAN BE
NO OTHER BUT YOU ♪

♪ OH...

♪ IF YOU ONLY KNEW
THE WAY I FEEL ♪

♪ THE WORDS REVEAL

♪ HOW MUCH I NEED YOU

♪ IF YOU ONLY KNEW
THAT SOMEONE'S THERE ♪

♪ WHO REALLY CARES...

♪ BABY,
IF YOU ONLY KNEW ♪

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

GOTTA GO
GET THE VODKA.

YOUR CAT'S
AN ASSHOLE.

SEE?

WHY DON'T WE
GO AGAIN?

I WOULD. BUT I COULD.
BUT I CAN'T. SO I WON'T.

MASSAGE.

WOULD YOU RUB
MY BREAST, PARKER?

SURE.

HE DOES THAT
WHEN HE HATES PEOPLE.

( laughing )

NO, HEY, THERE'S ENOUGH
FOOTAGE OF THAT.

PARKER...