If You Believe (1999) - full transcript

Suzie stone,
that is so unladylike.

Man: Aunt Nelly, relax.

It's Christmas.
She's just having fun.

The dinner table
is not a playground, George.

Suzie: Why can't you
have fun everywhere?

You can, Suzie,
if you don't want
to make a decent living.

A little money in your pocket
would not be so terrible.

Aunt Nelly: Especially with
another mouth on the way.

We have enough money,
don't we, dad?

We have food on the table,
we got a roof over our head.

I call that plenty enough.



See, we have plenty enough.

You know, I'll bet Elizabeth
wouldn't mind a washing machine.

Oh, a washing machine!

Aunt Nelly, he's a crook.
He's always been a crook.

I likenixon. I voted for him,
and I'd vote for him again.

Give it up,
aunt Nelly.

If you ask me, I think
he's just a popinjay creep

who should've gone
to jail.

Right on, pumpkin!

Really, George,
why do you encourage her?

That's what he does.

Suzie, remember what
we've been talking about.

If she doesn't learn to keep
a civil tongue in her head --

I'm not invisible,
aunt Nelly.



Suzie, that's enough sass
out of you.

Consider yourself warned.

Boy:
What's a popinjay?

Popinjay's a crow
who thinks he's an eagle.

All right, young lady,
you're grounded for a week.

Bobby did it first.
Why don't you ground him?

Because you're the oldest.

So unfair.

No pouting, Suzie.

It's really boring.

Nobody likes a boring girl.

George: Come on,
we should all cheer up.

It's Christmas,
for goodness' sake!

Who wants
the cranberry sauce?

This table keeps getting
smaller and smaller.

Aunt Nelly:
What did you expect, George?

If they're not dead,
they move to Florida.

I've decided that I want
everyone to call me Susan.

Huh.
Now it's Susan.

Huh. Well, you can be
whatever you want, pumpkin,

but you'll always be Suzie
to me.

I think it's wonderful, Susan.

You're becoming
such a proper young lady.

You know,
she made the Dean's list.

Where is her roommate?
I thought she was coming?

She couldn't make it.

She's just ashamed to bring
her rich vassar friends here.

That is an absolute lie, Bobby.

Well,
I certainly hope so, suze,

'cause you is what you is
and you ain't what you ain't.

Elizabeth:
That's nonsense, George!

Why did you bake
such a big bird this year?

Bobby, where's Elizabeth?

Bobby: [ Shouting ]
I told you, aunt Nelly,

mom moved to Florida
after dad died, remember?!

I hate Florida.

Turkey's just too boring.

Yeah, well,
Benjamin Franklin and I
respectfully disagree.

They're actually very smart,

and if we could understand
gobblespeak,

we might find them
quite witty.

Next year,
I think we should try goose.

What do you think, Peter?

I wasn't listening.

Aunt Nelly, I've asked you
not to smoke in the house.

Absolutely
ridiculous!

So, suze, how's work?

Oh, schizophrenic.

I mean, one day tedious,
the next absolutely thrilling.

Like, last week, I found
the most extraordinary
first-time writer.

Sounds great.He's beyond great --

Susan, darling,
you know I hate it
when you gush.

William faulkner is great.

Dylan Lewis is just okay.

I thought you liked him,
Peter.

I dolike him.

I also like donne.

It doesn't mean
I think it's great.

Man: Ah, Dylan Lewis.

How is he doing, Susan?

Susan?

Susan?

We should probably move him
to fall of next year.

Really, Susan,
it's been forever.

By the time he finishes,

do you suppose that anyone
will remember him?

That's advertising's problem,
dorinda.

What's going on
with carlotta Crawford?

Still at Betty Ford.

Too busy washing floors
to write?

[ Laughter ]

No, actually,
she's working away.

Building up those abs.

Anything else, Susan?

Nothing new?

That's it,
at least for today.

All right, I guess that's it.

Have a nice Thanksgiving,
you guys.

You, too, Walter.

[ Telephone ringing ]

You have reached Dylan Lewis
and leave a message.

[ Beep]

Susan: Dilly.
Dylan, pick up,
I know you're there.

We need to talk.

We have now entered the realm
of the ridiculous.

Walter is extremely upset

and I have lost what
little Patience I have left.

I need a real date
when you are going
to be finished, all right?

No more excuses.
Call me.

Indulgent baby.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi.
Your weekend reading.

Robin, that's it?
That's all there is?

Well, it's all
that's come in so far,

but I'm actually hoping
to get this manuscript.

From whom?Uh, his name is Tom weller,

he was a partner
in Ben's law firm --who's Ben?

Ben's my fiancé.
You've met him several times.

Lawyer?
You mean courtroom stuff?

Family history, actually.

Anyway, he was a partner
until about two years ago,

when his dead aunt pru
came to him in a dream

and she told him
to write this novel.His dead aunt pru?

It sounds a little weird,
I know.

I've been working with him,
Susan,

and I really think
the book's gonna be great!

Tell you what,
if you're going to lunch,

why don't you bring me back
a salad, okay?

Susan, the office is closing
early because of the holidays.

Everybody else
has already gone home,

and dorinda said
she doesn't need me anymore.

My family's coming in from
Michigan, but if you want --

you know, I don't want.
I don't want.

Happy Thanksgiving, Susan.

[ Door closes ]

[ Siren wails in distance ]

Those are nice.Yeah. Yeah. You want one?

[ Beep]

Bobby:
Hey, suze, it's your brother.

The bird will be ready by 2:00,
so try and be here at 1:30,

and bring a white wine.
Bye.

[ Beep]

[ Modem buzzing ]

[ Rapidly ] Gobble! Gobble!
Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Very witty, Bob.

Wonderful role-modeling.

Oh, relax.

So, how's work?

Good. How's yours?

It's great.

I hate it
when you exaggerate.

I'm not. It's true.

I got this one kid,

he's so unbelievably smart, he
should be teaching me.

We're trying to get him
a scholarship to Harvard.

Why, so he can follow
in your footsteps?

Would you relax?

You're like one big
isometric contraction.

Why does it bother you so much
I love what I do?

I love teaching.

Because the pay stinks
and it's dangerous.

Oh, pooh.

[ Laughing ]

Alice, why don't you
show your aunt Susan

your letter to Santa?

Sure. Be right back.

How old is she now?

7.

Really, Bob, I mean --

Susan, I know where you're going
with this, and don't go there.

She is old enough
to be told the truth.

You just hate
to see her grow up.Susan, please.

The truth about what?

Nothing, al.

About what?

Alice, honey, Santa claus,
kriss kringle, Noel baba,

whatever you want to call him,
is a myth

based on a bishop
who lived in the third century,

and not even in the north pole.

He lived in Turkey,
where it's really hot.

He really isn't real.

That's not true!

Just because
there are fake ones

on corners
and in department stores

doesn't mean
that there's not a real one!

Tell her, dad!

She's wrong...Isn't she?

Yeah, honey, she's wrong,

and I'm gonna tell her
in private, okay?

So I just want you
to come over here,

sit down, and finish your pie,
all right?

There you go.

Can I see you
in the kitchen, please?

Sure.

You pompous, insensitive --

calm down.
All I did was tell her
the truth about Santa claus.

I didn't kill anybody.

Yes, you did, suze.
It's what you do.

It's like you get
some sadistic pleasure

out of spreading
a little unhappiness here,

a little disappointment
over there.

She's 7 years old,
for god's sake!

I said lower your voice.
She is almost 8,
and she's very smart.

She's very vulnerable!

Oh, what? And so
in order to protect her,
we should all pretend

that life
is a bowl of cherries

and never mention choking
on the pits? Is that it?

I think Alice
is smart enough
to eat a cherry

and spit out the pit
without choking on it,

unlike some people I know.

Really? You know what I find
absolutely mind-boggling, Bob?

What's that?

Your wife died too young,
you have too many kids,

you do not have two dimes
to rub together,

and still you insist
on pretending

that everything
is just hunky-dory.

You know what?
I just don't get that.

No,
you wouldn't, would you,

because you actually think that
there's something wrong with me

because I can find some joy
in all this mess.

And what's more,
you resent it --

that I'm happy, that I like
who I am and what I do.

Please.

I'm serious, suze.
You are so miserable,

you can't even imagine
why other people

aren't as miserable as you.

And what's more --
you know what? Forget it.

Maybe you just shouldn't come
around anymore.

Well, that's mature,
isn't it?

No, I'm serious.
You don't even really
want to be here.

The only reason you come
is some neurotic sense of duty.

So let me get this straight.
Not only am I an insensitive,
pompous sadist,

I'm also neurotic.

You want the truth?

Try this --

I don't even like you
anymore...

And I don't want you
around my kids.

Fine.

Fine, I'm outta here.

I'm sorry to have contaminated
all of you

with a dose of reality.

Happy Thanksgiving, idiot.

[ Band playing
"good king wenceslas" ]

Oh, god!

Where the hell was I
when Christmas started

the day after Thanksgiving?

Never a day off,
huh, miss stone?

I get more done
without any distractions.

[ Band playing "hark! The herald
angels sing" in distance ]

[ Dialing ]

Robin, it's me.

It's 10:00 on Friday.

You're probably out
with your family,

but I'm at the office
and I need you to come in.

I'll be here all day.

[ Playing "silent night" ]

Man:
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Girl:
I won't, mommy!

You promised! You promised!
I hate you!

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Aah!

Ohh! Ow!

Miss?

Miss?

Miss?

Can you hear me?

Are you all right, miss?

Fine.
I'm fine, thank you.

You sure?

Yes.
I'm fine, really.

All right,
easy there, easy.

Thank you, thank you.
I'm fine.

Merry Christmas!

[ Sighs ]

Alice.

I'm not Alice.

Don't play games.

Where is your father?

Bob!

Bob, are you here?

What are you doing here?

I'm not going through another
Christmas without celebrating.

What are you talking about,
Alice?

I told you, I'm not Alice.

Oh, fine.

When are you gonna pull
this place together?

It's been over a year since
you divorced Peter and moved in.

I can't believe
he left you here.

Alice: Hello?

Is your father home?

He's napping.
Who's this?

Aunt Susan.
Who's this?

Alice.alice.

Dad says
you don't know anything.

He says you can only think
with your head,

and he says
you're a doodleberry.

[ Dial tone ]

Nowdo you believe me?

[ Hangs up telephone ]

No, this is not one
of Bob's idiotic schemes

to teach you a lesson.

I never said it was.

But you were thinking it.

Put your coat on.

I'm taking you home.

Come on, come on.

[ Dog barking in distance ]

If I were you,
I wouldn't mention me.

[ Doorbell chimes ]

[ Alice giggles ]

Susan, um...

I meant what I said.
You're not welcome here.

Really.

Mmmm!

[ Door closes, locks ]

Can we go home now?

Ohh.

Paging Dr. Bender,
paging Dr. Bender.

It seems like everything
is fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah,
that's the way it looks.

Now, if you do experience
any kind of abnormal headaches

or lethargy
in the next couple of weeks,

come back 'cause it could
indicate a slow blood leak.

But I doubt that since you
never lost consciousness, okay?

Could I possibly have
a tumor?

What makes you think
you have a tumor?

I don't know.

Well, you show
no evidence of a tumor.

Are you sure?

Would you
like to have a tumor?

Don't be silly, doctor.
Of course not,
I'm not crazy.

I just thought
that maybe since you were
looking for a concussion,

you may have missed a tumor.

Ah, you're probably still
a little traumatized.

So why don't you go home,
put some ice on that bump,

make yourself a warm glass
of milk, and try to rest.

Okay?
Okay.

Okay.

Oh, god.

Weird.

Hi!
Aaaaaah!

[ Giggling ]

Ohhh!

Oh, oh, Bob, Bob,
please pick up, it's me.

You're gonna have to deal
with me.

Oh, go away,
whoever you are!

Suzie!

Suzie Ann stone,
how can you not know me?

You're what?

I'm you when you were 7,
and I'm not going away.

Ohhh.

I'm going to have
a good night's sleep.

I'll be fine. Ohh!

You forgot to brush
your teeth...

Goose breath.

Peekaboo, I see you!

Ohh! Ohh!

Please don't let me be crazy.

[ Car horn honks ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Sighs ]

Can we go out and play?

Please! Please go away!

I willgo away,

but not until you learn
to be nice to me!

What am I gonna do?!

Too bad there's no one
you could share this with.

Bob wants
nothing to do with US.

You've abandoned
all your friends

'cause the dreaded Peter
didn't like them.

And if you get rid of me,
there'll reallybe no one.

Who areyou?

See?
You never listen to me.

Let me say this slowly --

I am you.

You are me.

We are US.

I've lost my mind!

Your mind's okay.

What you've lost
is all your otherstuff.

Let's do something fun
for a change!

How about
we go ice skating?

Or the opera?
We lovethe opera!

Well, at least iof the we
still do.

Well, meof the we...
Is taking a shower.

You...do not exist.

[ Water running ]

How come you don't take
bubble baths?

You know
you like them better,

even if you pretend
they're silly.

Come on -- admit it!

I barely have enough time
to take a shower.

God help me,
I'm talking to her.

Remember Mr. Scratch,
our enemy?

Sure you do,
because ido.

He was tall and thin

and wore a black suit,
had a black hat.

And we'd pretend
he was after US,

and after school,
we'd run home and slam the door,

and he couldn't come in,
'cause our house was magic,

and we'd laugh --
ha ha ha ha!

He wasn't real.

But the funwas real.

Who are you supposed to be --
my imaginary friend?

Are you dense?

I amyou, you doodleberry --
your inner child...

Except, now, I guess
I'm your outerchild...

Like a bellybutton.

Used to be an innie,
and now I'm an outie.

♪ Innie, outie, innie, outie,
innie, outie, innie, outie ♪

[ Telephone rings ]♪ innie, outie, innie, outie,
innie, outie, innie, outie ♪

Shut up!

You're not supposed to say
"shut up"!

Hello? Oww!

Jack?

Jack,
I can hardly hear you.

Sri Lanka? Oh.

What?

Uh...$10,000?

Gee, Jack, I don't know.
It's the holiday weekend.

The earliest
I could talk to Walter

about another advance
on your book would be Monday.

Uh-huh.

No, I don't have that kind
of cash laying around.

Jack, do me a favor --

just call me Monday
after lunch -- our time.

All right. Goodbye.

If I were you,
I'd leave him stranded.

If he's such a pain,
shouldn't he be more talented?

[ Imitates gagging ]

How can you have an opinion
about one of my writers?

You can't even read.

I can too read!
I know everything youdo.

I just don't muddy it up.

"What does he think?
What does she think?

What if I'm wrong?
What if I look stupid?"

I'm not like that.

Yes, you are!

And you know you agree with me
about that hack.

He is not a hack!

Didn't anyone ever tell you

that children should be seen
and not heard?

Yeah -- aunt Nelly --

from the day she and her broom
moved into that home.

Can we go out and play now?

Ihave work to do,
and youare not here.

You're such an old scrooge!

Don't play with that.

Why can't we go out?
Don't you ever miss having fun?

I'm not talking to you.
You're not here.

Now put that necklace back.
It isn't a toy.

♪ I want to go out,
I want to go out ♪

♪ I want to go out,
out, out ♪

♪ o-o-o-o-out stop it! Stop it!

♪ Out, out, out

stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

♪ Go o-o-o-o-o-o-o-out

stop it.
You're giving me a headache!

Stop it!!

♪ Ahhhhhhhhhh

[ men singing opera ]

[ Orchestral music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

[ Audience cheers ]

Young Susan:
That was somuch fun.

I just love it
when she dies.

I can't believe

you let Peter stop you
from going to the opera

just because
he didn't like it.

[ Imitating Peter ] This is
such sentimental slop.

Puff, puff.

Really, Susan,
how can you be so stupid?

Really, Susan, really, Susan,
re-e-e-e-ally, Susan!

[ Normal voice ]
What a popinjay!

Popinjay.
Where'd you come up
with that silly word?

It used to be your favorite --
that and "stud."

Huh. "Stud's" not funny.

[ Deep voice ]
Stud! Studly!

[ Giggles ]

Hey! Where are you going?
What do you care
what they think?!

Hey, wait up! Wait!

They're gonna take me
and lock me in a rubber room.

That wasn't very nice.

I'm sorry, okay?

No, it's not okay.

I hate it
when you run away from me.

Look, I said I was sorry.
Now please just leave me alone.

No! I'm not taking orders
from youanymore!

All you want to do
is smother me, anyway.

You've been trying
for years.

It first started
in little, teeny, tiny ways

so you hardly even noticed.

"I don't like Mary Ellen,
either,"

even though you did --

just because you wanted that
aggravating Heather to like you.

And then with Ralph galucci,
that dunce --

hiding we were smart?

And that creep Scott --
pretending we were rich?

"My father
has a music company."

How could you do that
to dad?!

All right, that is enough!

And then last year,
when that cheating horror show
Peter

finally made you
into the woman he wanted

and took all the good stuff

and ran off with somebody
exactly like you usedto be,

I thought
it might get better.

I'd finally
get to breathe again.

But no!
Nothing changed!

You were on automatic,
still trying to smother me...

♪ Hallelujah♪...blaming me for everything.

[ Music stops ]

Well, miss Susan Ann stone,

it's not my fault
you're alone and miserable.

It's yourfault!
And you want to know why?

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah,
hallelujah♪

[ Music stops ]

Because people are as
interesting to you as doorknobs!

Especially men!

I mean, look at the way
you even dress!

What do you think
you're hiding?

I'm not hiding anything!

I'm not interested
in relationships right now.

I'm too involved
with my work.

Work?!
You must be joking!

You haven't found
a good new writer in years.

You don't inspire
the ones you have.

You've become so petrified
of losingyour precious job,

you can't do
your precious job anymore.

You're only hanging onto it
by a thread!

Oh, that's only a rumor.

It's more than a rumor,
and you know it!

Just stop it, all right?!

[ Music plays, stops]No, I won't.

I've come out to fight,
and I got here
just in the Nick of time!

And you better hope I win,

or you'll turn into
a dried-up old prune,

just like aunt Nelly,
but without the cigarettes!

And when you die,
no one will even notice

since you weren't
really living,anyway!

It doesn't
have to be that way, suze.

If you'd only
listen to me...

Once upon a time,
we believed in love and magic.

Then one day, you stopped.

That's why
you never found it.

You stopped listening...
To what you felt.

We need to fix that.

I had a nice time
at the opera.

♪ Libi amo, libi amo♪

♪ da de da da da-a-a-a

♪ da da da, da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ da da

♪ da da da,
da da da da da-a-a-a ♪

♪ da da da, da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da ♪

[ Band plays
"joy to the world" ]

Tomorrow,
can we get a Christmas tree?

They're a fire hazard.

You're so...Sour!

Susan, hi! I'm so sorry
I didn't come in on Friday.

I didn't get your message
till really late.

But that manuscript
that I told you about --

the one that I was
helping Ben's friend with --

he should be
upstairs with it now,

and I really think it could
really be a really great book.

I mean,
it's a little long,

but it combines history
and fantasy and reality,

and the characters --
I just can't imagine
anyone not loving it, and...

It's really good,
and because he's new at this,

I warned him that, you know,

that you might
want to trim a few things

because of course I know
how much you hate when
things aren't concise,

and so
he's totally prepared.

If you feel
that you might want
to cut anything --

hi, Robin. There's someone
waiting for you.

Oh. Um, h-he's here.

Okay, you know what?
You're gonna love him.

You really are.
He's fantastic.

He's really brilliant,
I think.

I mean, this style --
it's, like, just a really
exciting, unique book.

And, Susan,
I just know this is the one.

I mean, I have
this feeling. Tom, hi!

Hey! Good to see you.How are you?

Uh, this is my boss --
Susan stone.

Tom weller.
A pleasure.

You know,
we've actually met --

when you discovered
Dylan Lewis,

I was working
with his attorney, so --

I loved reading him.
When's his next book coming out?

Soon.
Is that your manuscript?

Mm-hmm.
Too many words?

Don't be silly.
Well, we'll be in touch.

I'll wait for your call.

I'll take that.

Nice meeting you...

Again.

And I am inches away

from getting Carl London
to jump to US from harlequin.

Oh, and Lorraine has approved
the cover art

for "confessions
of a courtesan."

It's a little trashy,
but that's what I love about it.

Good, dorinda.

Mark?

I read a short story
on plowshares.

Blew me away!

I called Don Lee
to find out who she was.

He thinks she's a shoo-in
to win the pushcart prize.

I tracked her down
in big sur.

Turns out she's 85 pages
into her first novel.

And, Walter,
they're great.

Walter:
Oh, what's her name?

Halley Barnes.
She's 24.

And I think
we should make a deal before
someone else scoops her up.

Are you suggesting we buy
a first novel based on 85 pages?

Mark: Exactly.

I think we ought to hold onto
our jockstraps and plunge ahead.

I'll hold onto my girdle,
thank you very much.

[ Laughter ]

Well, let's read her, Mark.

If you'rethis excited,
i'mexcited.

Susan, any updates?

Is that it?

All right, let's go to work.

Susan...what's going on?

It seems like a long time
since you've been your old self.

You mean
since my balance sheet's

been in the "plus" column.

Or got a good review.

Speaking of which, where
the hell is Jack Richmond?

Sri Lanka.

As a matter of fact,
he just called.
He wants another --

tell him to call script nurse.

And what about
carlotta Crawford?

When's she checking out
of Betty Ford?Not until January.

Well, I can't keep
covering for you, sue.

You're gonna have to
come up with something.

We're locking the holiday
schedule for next year
in less than a month.

In 24 days -- I know.
I really do.

I didn't want
to say anything yet,

but there's a manuscript being
duplicated even as we speak,

and I've read some of it,
and I think it could be great.
I really do.

I hope so.

Is it myfault
that Dylan Lewis is blocked,

that carlotta Crawford
has a drinking problem?

I mean, what does Walter
expect me to do,

sit them down and force
their fingers to the keys?

I'm an editor,
not a nursemaid.

He's so busy being seduced
by that little twit, Mark,

he's forgotten
all the blood and sweat

that i'vegiven
to Blair house.

Actually, Mark is tall.

Only if you're short.

God help me...

My life is hanging on a novel
written by a lawyer

who had a visitation
from his dead aunt.

I mean,
how did thishappen?

Didn't you think
Tom weller was cute?

Hmm?

The lawyer?

Cute? I don't know.

I've never really
been attracted to blonds.

This soda's flat.

He wasn't a blond.

He had dark hair, and
he looked like Jimmy Stewart.

Aw, who cares?
Come on, let's go.

Maybe, by some miracle, this
book won't be totallyawful.

[ Sighs ]

"Phooey"?

758 pages!

Robin, you idiot!

You expect me to read a 758-page
book called "phooey"?!

Ilike it -- "phooey."

Easy to remember,
and it says a lot.

"Phooey" says a lot?

At least
read the first chapter.

Come on,
what do you have to lose?

"As the old carriage
rattled past the graveyard,

"through the fine mist,
she could see her firstborn,

"the avowed atheist himself,
risen from the dead,

sitting in a gigantic,
old Chestnut tree, laughing."

That is intolerable.How could it be intolerable?

You've only read
a paragraph!

Robin!

What?!
What's the matter?!

Your friend's manuscript --

what could you possibly
be thinking?!

Well, I know
it's a little long --

oh, it's beyondlong!

And whatever I've read so far

is completely frivolous
and aggravating!

I mean, I thought you said
it was good.

Well, it starts off
a little slow.

Wait, how far did you get?

Oh, far enough!

[ Band playing
"good king wenceslas" ]

If I were you --
which I am --

I'd finish reading "phooey"
and hope it's good...

Unless, of course,
you have some secret manuscript

hidden in your desk
that we all don't know about.

Um, I'll be leaving now,
unless you want me to --

no, fine.
Uh, good night.

Okay. Good night.

If you spent as much time
doingactual work,

like you used to,

instead of pretendingto work,
like you do,

maybe you wouldn't be
in such a mess.

I'm not reading any more
of that silly book.

Why?
You afraid you'll like it

and everyone else will think
it's a stink bomb and say,

[ singsong voice ]
"Susan stone's a dope!"

Well, fine.

Just remember, playing it safe
is very risky business.

[ Sighs ]

Out loud.

Read out loud.

"My great-grandmother Mary

"was born with a red Mark
in the middle of her forehead.

"The villagers
called it her third eye

"and said she had the gift.

"But she didn't really
believe it

"until she saw
my great-grandfather Patrick

floating in her milk
when she was 11."

I like that.

That's preposterous.

You think Santa claus
is preposterous.

"Each year, the vision returned
on the morning of march 15th,

"which was the day she finally
met the tall, handsome bachelor

"with eyes
even bluer than hers

"aboard the queen Anne
on their way to america.

"On the second day
of the crossing, she proposed.

"On the third,
they were married.

"And on the fourth, my
great-uncle John was conceived.

"She already knew when and how
John would die at 25.

"He would be shot twice in
the head and once in the chest

while walking his beat on
commonwealth Avenue in Boston."

Young Susan:
"Aunt phooey had run away

"with the strongman
at the circus

"two years
before I was born.

"Her real name was Phoebe,

"but when my mother was a baby,
she called her 'phooey'

"because she couldn't say
the name 'Phoebe.'

"and somehow
the name just stuck.

"Both of them had inherited
my grandmother's red Mark,

but only phooey
had the gift."

Susan: "And at
that moment, I remembered
what phooey had said

"when the ashes of her life
were floating in the air --

"it's what you say yes to
that determines your life.

"The nos just lead nowhere.

Well,
I guess now it's myturn."

You're here already!

What?

Oh, uh...Uh, never mind.

Uh...uh, give me
Tom weller's number.

You finished it?

You liked it?!

Well, it couldbe good
if you took a hatchet to it.

And the title, "phooey,"
that's absolutely
out of the question.

Just get him
on the phone, okay?

W-Well,
remember how I told you

that he took
a leave of absence
from the firm, right?

To write the novel.

And when he did that,
he also moved back

to his family home
in this pretty little town
in Connecticut,

but he also kept
his apartment here,

so I'm just not
exactly sure where --

well, why don't we try
eachof the places, hmm?

Right. Right.

Why can't you be nice?

Why do find it so hard
to say,

"great work, Robin,"
or at least, "goodwork"?

I don't have to compliment her.
She was just doing her job.

Susan, before I dial him,
I just wanted to, uh --

do you remember how yesterday,
how you were saying

that you thought that
"phooey" was frivolous
and aggravating?

Well, I -- I just sort of --
I gave a copy of it to dorinda.

She was actually surprised
I hadn't gone to her first --

you what?!

Well, I do...
Work for bothof you.

Well, I didn't say
I was gonna pass!

No, but you said it
really negative.Well, get it back, Robin!

Okay, I'm sure
she hasn't read it yet.

No, no, no, no!
Just give me the numbers!

Thank you.

See that?

The world is just full
of little miss Uriah heeps

waiting to stab you
in the back.

She was only doing her job.

Why are you taking herside?

Why are we wasting time
being sour about Robin?!

This is what we dream of!
This is the fun part!

It's right in front of US!
A new writer! I'm so excited!

A new writer!
I'm gonna burst!

You're right.
Why waste my time being sour?

I am gonna bag Tom weller.

I am gonna look him in the eye
and tell him the truth.
Yes.

And together
we are gonna shape and hone
and sculpt that manuscript

into a book that will not only
wow the literary critics,

but make it to the top
of every bestseller list

in every major city
in the United States of America!

I lovedit, Tom!
I absolutely loved it!

A-And the characters --
you have such a wonderful ear.

I really haven't been
this excited about a book

in a century.
I mean --

you don't lookthat old.

[ Laughs ]

Well,
it seemslike a century.

I'm not saying that it's not
interesting, wonderful material,

but we don't need to know
the intimate details

of every one
of his ancestors

in order to understand
Patrick's conflict.Really.

All that does
is postpone the narrative

in a book
that's too long already.Oh.

Look, I've been thinking
about this.

What would you think
if we opened the book

with a beautifully drawn
family tree --

sort of like one of those
illuminated manuscripts --

and follow it with
a short introductory chapter

setting up
the whole internal tug of war

between his crazy Ryan side

and his straight-laced
blackstones?

Hmm.

Tom, if we're gonna
work together,

I need to be completely open
and honest with you.

I can't hold back
what I think.

Uh-huh.

Now, frankly,
those first five chapters

aren't as good or as vivid
or as affecting as what follows.

Look, I know how hard it is

to have someone
sweep in out of the blue

and tell you that you have to
give up a part of yourself,

but I don't think
that I would be doing my job

if I didn't argue
for those cuts.

If it's not a lot shorter,

the book will probably not
get published.

Well, then,
maybe it shouldn'tbe.

Well...

Tom, I think it could be
a reallyimportant book.

Miss stone, I, uh --

no. No.

I don't think so.
No. No.

This is mystory.
It's about myfamily.

I want to tell it myway,
so, uh...

Very nice seeing you,
but, uh, no.

I am not going to cut the first
five chapters of "phooey."

No. No sirree.
No. Not a chance.

It's not going to work out.

Thank you for the lunch.

[ Jackhammer pounding ]

[ Horns honking ]

Come on, suze.

Time to get up.

Come on!
Come on!

Let's see a little fight!
Let's see a little gumption!

Oh, go away.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Oh, god.

Hello.

Robin.

[ Sighs ]
No, I'm not coming in.

I'm sick.

Well, I don't care
if dorinda's meeting with Tom.

She can move in with him
for all I care.

No, I don't want
to talk to anybody.

Just tell Walter that
I'm too sick to get out of bed.
All right.

You think
if you're sick enough,

Walter won't fire you?

You little monster.
This is all your fault.

Why are you always picking
on me and Robin

and all the people
who loveyou?!

Why don't you ever pick
on the horrors in your life,

like dorinda?!

[ Telephone ringing ]

Oh, god!

Look -- ow!

Robin, I am so --

what? Oh! Oh.
Uh, Jack, no.

I, uh -- what?

No. [ Sighs ]
No, look --

Jack, uh, Walter said
no more advances.

I really don't know --

what?

Wh--

you know what?

You just -- y-you --
you just --

don't you dare
talk to me like that!

Who do you think
you are, huh?!

I mean,
you haven't sent in page one,
and you've already gotten

more money
than your last two books earned!

Yes, I'm serious!

You have no idea
how serious I am!

You know, Jack,
Blair house pays for books,

not for trips around the world

to gamble and seduce underage
girls with doctored reviews!

Yeah, so, I'll tell you what --
if you want more money,

I suggest
you call scribner's, Jack!

Yes, scribner's!

Maybe theywill subsidize you,
you hack!

Yes! That's the girl
I remember --

the one
that beat up Jimmy Milton!

Yeah,
dad's famous combination.

I really kicked his butt,
didn't I?

I'll say!
You were great!

You've always been great!

Vassar! Class president!

Boy, that was a fight!

That obnoxious Peggy dupon --
ka-boom! --

didn't know what hit her!

God, I haven't thought
about her in years.

Then, there was the guy
from adpub

who hated dilly's first book,
remember?

Yeah, yeah.
Phil "the pill" dembrowski.

You stood up at that meeting,
and you gave one of these...

And that!

Then when dilly was nominated
for a pulitzer,

Phil "the pill" was asking you
to lunch!

Dilly should've won.

He will...Next time.

You're great, suze.
You've always been great.

I sure do miss dad.

Me too.

I wonder
what he would think of me now.

Dad loved US...

No matter what.
You know that.

Even when we forgot.

We is what we is,
and we ain't what we ain't.

Let's take dilly to lunch.

Susan:
Dilly, listen to me --

you have written 2/3
of a brilliant novel.

You know exactly
where it is going.

I'm not doing this
on purpose.

I tried.
I just -- I can't.

I just --
I'm no good.

Dilly, this isn't the first time
this has happened.

I know it's difficult
for you to understand

'cause you're always
so together.

Dill.

This time, it's different.

I can feel the synapses
in my brain disintegrating.

My brain cells are frying.

Feel. Feel.
Feel right there.

Can you feel
the electrical impulses?

[ Buzzes ]

No.

I don't know how
you can't feel it.

Have you stopped taking
your medication?

It robs me of my creativity.

Dilly, come on!

You have to get through this.
All right?

Let's see a little fight,
a little gumption.

Do you remember that guy
from adpub

who hated your first novel?

Phil "the pill"?

Yeah, and then
when you got nominated,
he asked you to lunch,

and you told him
to order crow.

I didn't win.

Well, you will this time.

Now let's get back
on our medication and finish.

Who can write

when there are constant bells
and whistles in their ears?

[ Sniffs ]

This is just hopeless.

I'm quitting.

I quit.

That's fabulous!

Quitting is fabulous?

If you're not afraid
to quityour job,

you're afraid
to doyour job!

You know,
I am so sick of your constant
nattering and chattering.

Since the day I laid eyes
on you, it's all been,

listen to me. Watch me.
"It's all gonna get better."

Well, you know something?!
It isn't!

It is so!

Well,
at least you're trying!

Yeah, and getting nowhere!

The only thing
that I have succeeded in

is feeling
like a total failure!

Before, you weren't feeling
anything at all!

Well, don't you get it?!
I don't wantto feel anything!

Listen
to what you're saying!

I know exactly
what I am saying!

And if you dare say
that I shouldn't quit,

I am gonna strangle you!

Woman: Blair house.

Yes, he is.
One moment, please.

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Gasps ]

Just the person
I wanted to see!

The next time you say anything
snide about Dylan Lewis,

I will wrench open that clenched
jaw and rip out your tongue!

Do you understand me?

And how dare you make a move
on one of my writers!

But I-I --

clench it!

That was so cool and gutsy.

Clench it!

Are you okay?

Do I lookokay?!

Uh, okay.

Well, we can do
the Christmas list later.

Even tomorrow, if you want,
but we should --

I am not doing
the Christmas list,

I do not believe
in the Christmas list,

but I wouldlike to talk to you
about run-on sentences --

[ telephone rings ]

Hello!

Tom?

Oh!

Oh! Tom, hi.

Yes!

She did?

Yeah. Uh...

Yeah, well, I-I guess dorinda
is a little, um...

When you put it like that,
I guess she's a lot.

Oh, you did?
Yeah.

See?! I told you!
No, uh --

Connecticut?

Well, no. I love --
I love Connecticut.

Yes. No, I, um,
I could come tomorrow.

This is gonna be great.

No. Actually, this is gonna be
better than great.

This is fantastic.

Uh-huh.
Okay. Uh, me too.

All right.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

What?

Uh, nothing.
Sorry.

Tom weller thinks

that dorinda is a growling,
pretentious slime,

and he's going with me.

Really?

Yeah, he's making
a reservation for me

at the white stag inn
in new Dover.

I should be there
for about three weeks.

So, listen, Robin, I want you
to do some things for me

while I'm gone,
okay?

I-I want you to bring dilly
something to eat every day.

He likes Chinese, okay?

And, uh, take along
one of his best old reviews,

and make sure
he takes his medication.

And do that stupid Christmas
list by yourself, okay?

Okay.

All right, well, go on. That's
it. Don't dawdle.

Go!

Okay. Okay.

All right.

[ Sighs ]

For the next few days,

I want you to stop criticizing
and correcting me, okay?

Is that the meof the we
or the iof the me?

Why didn't you tell me
I looked like this?

You told me to clench it.

[ Train whistle blows ]

[ Steam hisses ]

Where is he?
He said he'd be here.

Don't worry.
He'll be here.

[ Grunts ]

This is not a good sign.

Why do mywriters
all have to be flakes?

[ Barking ]Oh!

Thoreau!

Down, Thoreau!

Behave yourself!

I'm sorry.

I hope you like dogs.

Hi!

You have to forgive Thoreau.

He just loves
meeting new people.

Well, I'm glad
you decided to come.

Yes.

Hang on there, Thoreau.

I do love Connecticut.

Yeah, have your bag here.
We'll drop this off at the inn,
huh?

I'm parked right out front.

He's even cuter
than I remembered.

Behave yourself.
This is business.

I told you
he had brown hair!

Tom: After cutting
the third chapter,

I realized I was starting
to enjoy it.

By the fourth and the fifth,

I thought, "this is the way
that serial killers must feel."

Susan: Don't worry, Tom.

Nothing's ever lost.
It all simply gets rearranged...

Like cellulite.

What a beautiful house.

My great-grandfather
built it...For his bride.

Great-grandfather?

Mm-hmm.

[ Laughs ] Oh.

This is wonderful.

Oh, here --
I want to show you something.

You'll like this.

Here she is...Aunt pru.

Now, see, I always pictured

this poster would be
on the dust jacket

with "'phooey' by Tom weller"

printed in that same
type style, huh?

I thought you made up
the red Mark.

Her little --
no. No.

That's one of the things
that's actually real.

So you mean all the Ryan women
could tell the future?

Mm-hmm. To a certain extent,
even some of the men.

Do, uh,
you want something to eat?

No. No. Actually, you know what?
I would like to get started.

What's the rush?

Well, I want to release
the book next Christmas,

and the Blair-house list
is locked on the 24th.

That only gives US three weeks,
which is tight,

but if we stay focused,
I think that it's doable, so...

Um...

Let's see here.

Tom, did you know

that Fitzgerald wanted to call
"the great gatsby"

"among the ash heaps
and the millionaires"?

You want to change the title.

You think it's silly.

Well...i dothink that
it diminishes the book, yes.

I knew that the minute
you looked at the poster.

See, I have a tiny bit
of the gift myself.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll have to
watch my step, won't I?

All right.

Um, let's go
to the top of chapter six,

which is now
our new chapter one.

The sentence
that starts "my mother"

all the way through to "I will
never forget" -- cut that.

I think that's important.

Well, you said it better
10 pages ago.

Oh. Right.
You're right.

Aunt pru would've called you
"one smart crackerjack."

[ Clock chiming ]

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

No. Oh, this isn't good.

Oh, no. No.
Oh, boy.

You -- you gotta --
you gotta put on your coat.

What are you talking about?Oh.

Where are you going?

We gotta go.
This is not good.

Thoreau, stay.
We gotta go.

Just follow me.
Just, uh...

Come on!
Come on!

All right.

Hurry!i can't believe
how late we are.

Uh, what's going on?

It's already after 5:00.Okay, well...

Where are we going?

Just...

God.

Just hurry.
Come on, quick!

Well, where are we going?
This is insane.

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ we wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ we wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ and a happy new year

♪ good tidings we bring
to you and your kin ♪

♪ we wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ and a happy new year

♪ oh, bring US
a figgy pudding ♪

♪ oh, bring US
a figgy pudding ♪

♪ oh, bring US
a figgy pudding ♪

♪ and a cup of good cheer...

What?

Just watch your step.
Careful.

Watch it. Careful.

♪ ...a merry Christmas...

Hey, Tom, what happened?

Everyone's been waiting
for you.

Hey, Dan.
It's all her fault.
Say hi to Susan.

Oh, hey, Susan.
I heard Tom had some company.

Yeah.

Hey, Ralph.

Hey, Tom, we were
beginning to worry.

Ralph, Martha,
this is Susan.

You keep an eye on her.

Here.

It's for the town lighting.

I gotta go.

Hey, gang.
Nice turnout, huh?

Hey, Tom, what kept you?Sorry I'm late.

Oh, don't give me
those looks.

What are we starting with?

Boy: When's Santa coming?

[ Fire engine siren blares ]

Yay!
Yay!
Yay!

Santa: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everybody!
Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

[ Fire engine horn honking ]

Happy holidays!

[ Siren blares ]

Merry Christmas to all!

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas, everybody!
Ho ho ho!

Here you go!

[ Children cheering ]

[ Laughing ]
Ho ho ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Yay!

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ No audio ]

[ No audio ]

Merry Christmas, everyone!

[ Introduction to
"deck the halls" plays ]

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of Holly ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

Sing, you dodo head.

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly

♪ jolly

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ troll the ancient
yule-tide Carol ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ see the blazing yule
before US ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ strike the harp
and join the chorus ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ la-la-la

♪ follow me in merry measure

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ while I tell
of yule-tide treasure ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

Susan:
I come up here to work,

and he wants
to run through the woods
singing "fa la la."

I mean, at this rate,
we'll never be done in time.

I mean, really,
the man is a total loon.

He's prince charming,
and you know it,

or I wouldn't be saying it.

Oh, you think
life is a fairy tale.

Once upon a time,
you did, too.

This is the best day we've had
in a century!

Don't you just love
Christmas?

Go to sleep, okay?

Maybe tomorrow
will even be better.

Shh.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Sighs ]

Tom weller
is not a serious person.

All gone.

All gone.

Uh, all right.

Now cut pages 221 through...

What is it? 225.

225? All that?

Yeah.

But I want to save
uncle John's ghost.

I know
just where to put it, too.

Right.
The top of chapter eight.

Well, that's just
what iwas thinking.

Tom: So, now the woman who
only wants to cut, cut, cut,

now she wants to add?

Well, I think that
Patrick's mother and father

fall in love too quickly.

I mean, look,
I just think there should be
a series of scenes

so that the reader can
experience the process more.

What process?
There is no process.

That's why it's called
"love at first sight."

I guess you've never
experienced it, have you?

Well, have you?

Absolutely.

Every happy couple
I've ever met --

at least one of them has fallen
in love at first sight.

Otherwise, they would've never
made it to the second date.

You know,
when I was a little girl,

my father used to tell me
this story

about being at a party
with my uncle bill.

Uh-huh.

And he
looked across the room

and saw my mother there
in a white organdy dress.

And he turned
to my uncle bill

and said, "that girl's
gonna be my wife."

I always thought
he made that up, you know?

A fairy tale just for me.

It never occurred to me
that it could've been true.

I promise you
it was true.

Otherwise,
you wouldn't be here.

Well...[clears throat]
It's getting late.

Maybe we should pick this up
tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh, sorry.

[ "Good king wenceslas" plays ]

[ Sniffling ]

Susan: My dad was a sax player,
and my mom --

We lived in queens.

He was the poorest of all
his brothers and sisters,

but I think that he thought
he was the richest.

Well, I guess
if you have to choose

between being a sax player
and a wholesale butcher,
you know?

Though I have to admit,

for years
I didn't understand that.Hmm.

Sometimes I still don't.

But he certainly laughed
a lot more,

and everybody always
came to ourhouse
for all the holidays.

Why am I telling you
all this?

Because I asked.

Well, I know you asked,
but why did I answer?

[ Sighs ]

It must be the book.

I've been remembering things

I...hadn't thought about
in years.

Just all of a sudden,

I know
exactly what you looked like

when you were a little girl.

[ Sighs ]

What if they hate it?

Then they'll be wrong.

[ Tom whistles ]

[ Thoreau barks ]

Come on, Thoreau.

We did some good work today,
don't you think?

It felt good.

Thoreau.

Do you really think

that life is shaped by the yes's
and not the no's?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I said yes once,

and it was
a complete disaster.

Hmm.

Well, my guess is that
you were just saying the word.

What you were really doing
is saying no to yourself.

You're a remarkable talent,
Tom weller.

Thanks.

And Robin was right.

You are a great editor,
Susan stone.

Thank you.

Is it that late?

I guess so.

Yeah. All right.

Well, um, I'll see you
bright and early.

Okay.

All right.

Good night.

Good night.

[ Clears throat ]

Good night.

Bye.

[ Humming ]

Suze?

Hmm?

I think
he wanted to kiss you.

Don't be ridiculous.

This is strictly
a working relationship.

Why can't it be both?

Because you don't make your bed
where you eat.

Well, he sure is
a lot of fun.

Suze?

Hmm?

I love that he plays
the trombone.

[ "Deck the halls" plays ]

I'm beginning to think

that you don't understand phooey
as a character.

I do too.

Well, then why would you want me
to change phooey's reaction?

Because I just don't believe
that any sane woman

who's thrown
into a squalid jail in Selma

is gonna be
so serene and calm --

I mean, almost happy.

See, you really
don't understand.

You don't know
what you're missing here.

I'm on a diet.

Oh! You don't need to diet!

Come on. Come on.
Try this.

[ Laughs ]

Hmm?

Now, see, phooey was one
of those rare, wonderful people,

no matter what the disaster,

she always saw it
as an opportunity.

The glass
was always half-full.

Of course, that drives
the half-empties totally crazy.

Who does that
remind you of?

That is wonderful.

This woman is a genius.

Finish it.
Finish it.

Oh. Thank you.

Mmm.

[ Laughs ]

Mmm.

Wait till you try
her Napoleon.

You know, I think aunt pru
would've loved my brother Bob.

Yeah? Well, in that case,
I probably will, too.

I told you --
prince charming.

[ Computer keys clicking ]

Julie? Hi, it's Susan.

Would you please get Robin
for me?

Hi, Robin.
What's going on?

Good, good.
You wouldn't believe
all the work we've gotten done

in the last two weeks.

You want to patch me through
to dilly?

How you doing?

That's wonderful, dilly.
Yeah.

Yeah, that wasa great review.

How about getting another one,
huh?

New pages. Oh, dilly.
That's great.

No, that's --
that's better than great.

That's wonderful.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm -- I'm glad
you like her.

Robin is sweet, isn't she?
Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm just checking in with you,
so i'm, uh...

I'll just call you back later,
okay?

Okay. All right. Bye.

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!
Oh, my god!

Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ooh! Ooh!

Tom:
No, I don't think so.

Susan:
Well, I think so.

Never. No way. No, no.
No, I won't.

I won't. I can't!Of course you can.

No, no, no, no.
Forget it.

Why should I have to?
This is my damn book.

Because I'm not gonna let you
put your name on anything

that isn't your best work,
you...

[ Laughs ]
You...You...What?

What? What?

You know what --

no, no, no.
You finish it.

What? What? What?
N-n-n-no.

Where do you think
you're going?

Finish it. Finish. Finish.

Doodleberry.

Doodleberry?
That's it? That's it?

That's the best
you can come up with?

Well, I'm just the editor,
aren't I?

I mean, you're the writer,
aren't you, you old windbagger?

Oh, no.
Now you apologize.

I'm not gonna apologize,
and you can't make me.

Mmm.

Mmm.mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

This is a disaster.

A little schizophrenic,maybe.

No, this never happened,
all right?

Say this never happened.

Look, I need you to say
that this never happened.

I could say that,
but it wouldn't be true.

No, no!
It never happened, all right?

[ Tom whistles ]

Let's go.
Come on, Thoreau.

[ Thoreau barks ]

Susan: What was I thinking?

You weren'tthinking.

That's a good thing,
not a bad thing.

Totally,
totally unprofessional.

Baloney.

You're just afraid
all men are like Peter.

Bob isn't.
Dad wasn't.

I finally get myself
a damn new decent writer,

and I blow it!

[ Sighs ]

So, anyway, if I can make
the noon train,

I can, uh,
get it on the weekend read.

Just a little surprised,
that's all.

Thought we had a few more days.
Didn't realize we were done.

Well, not "done" done, but
done enough to get some input.

Mmm.

So, uh, what are you doing
for the holidays?

Oh, I'm not sure.

I was actually thinking of
just staying at home this year,
so --

hmm.

Oop! Careful.

You're stepping
on uncle hiram, there.

Oh, sorry.
Sorry.

I never knew anyone
who had their own cemetery.

My mother and father.

Mom...

Dad...

I'd like you to meet Susan.

Think
they would have liked you.

You sure you're not running back
because of last night?

Tom, um, last night
was entirely my fault.

I-It was a huge mistake.

We could never, ever, ever
possibly become

romantically involved.

But we already are.

No, no.
It can't happen.

I mean, it would be a disaster
for the book.

But, I-I-I see it happen.

What are you talking about?

I've already seen it.
See, I --

oh, please.
Tom, come on.

You're being crazy now,
okay?

I mean,
one indiscreet moment
means nothing more

than one indiscreet moment

when we were both so tired
that we lost it.

I didn't lose it.

Listen to me, okay?
I'm your editor.

That is all.
Nothing more.

But, Susan --

no, I like you,
I do, just...

Not in that way.

Oh.

I'm...I'm sorry.
I...

Well, I guess maybe I, uh...

[ Clears throat ]

...maybe I don'thave
the gift, after all, huh?

[ Church bell rings
in distance ]

Um...well,
maybe we should get started.

Um...i don't want to be late.

No.

[ "God rest ye merry gentlemen"
plays ]

Well, um, I'll call you
as soon as I hear anything.

Okay.

Oh, uh, regarding the title,

why don't you make a list,
and I'll make a list?

Right.

Well...

Merry Christmas, Susan.

You too.

Don't worry.

I'm sure that everyone
will love the book.

Okay. Here.

[ Playing
"good king wenceslas" ]

Woman: Blair house.
No, he's not in right now.

I'll take a message.

[ Door opens ]

Blair house.

Sorry. Make 15 copies.

I want to distribute them
personally.

And change the title page
to "untitled," all right?

Did Tom weller call?

No. Was he supposed --

good morning, Robin.

Good morning, Susan.

Who the hell
do we give these to?

Who do we think
is a definite "yes"?

Nobody.
Probably "yes" -- maybe Gloria.

At least she has
a sense of humor.

Oh...what about Herbert?

Possibly "yes."

Donald?

He's a definite "no."
Mark's another "no."

He'll like it
better than anybody.

I'm not even gonna give it
to that teeny-bopper.

He won't think it's hip enough.

You're wrong about Mark.

I wish there was some way
of keeping dorinda off the list,

short of stabbing her
in the throat.

What a mess.

Ram it through,
like in the old days.

Remember those?

Only vaguely.

[ Band playing
"hark, the herald angel sings" ]

Tom could play that better.

[ Knock on door ]

Um...from dilly.

Thank you.

May I say something?

Please.

I think it was brilliant of you
to have him read his reviews,

and the work you did
on "phooey" is --

please don't call it
"phooey."

Sorry.

What should I call it, then?

Why don't we just call it
"untitled" for now?

Okay.

Well, you know how much I loved
"untitled" before, right?

But now, it's just --
Susan, it's...It...

Okay, I got it.
Thank you.

Um, Susan?
Good luck tomorrow.

[ Door closes ]

[ Siren wails in distance ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Playing "joy to the world" ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

Think positive.

They're all gonna love it.

Walter: Oh, Susan. Good.
Are we all here?

Let's get started, people.

I wanted to like it.

My brother and he

were practically roommates
at Harvard.

In fact, I met with him
a few weeks ago

when it was still
called "phooey," and I passed.

[ Sighs ]

I know, okay.
You want me to be truthful.

It hasn't improved.

It's still absolutely endless,
not to mention stupid.

Chacun à son gôut,
as the French say.

Pbht!

Herbert?

I...well...
Actually I didn't finish it.

I thought the writing was okay,
but I found myself wandering.

Gloria, what did you think?

I had
that big party for Wolfgang.

I just didn't have a minute.

I'm really, really sorry.

I'll get to it tonight.
I promise.

Donald, did you get a chance
to look at it?

It's not my cup of tea,
Walter.

I don't know.

It's...a little too fantastic
pour moi.

Pbht!

What does marketing say?

If we don't spend a lot,
we won't lose a lot.

It could even be a wash.

Susan...

You haven't said a word.

I only have one thing
to say to all of you.

Tom weller's
a superb and unique talent,

and I think
that his book is brilliant.

It's funny and charming
and very smart,

and, on top of that,
I think it's gonna make money.

And frankly, if Blair house
doesn't publish this book,

then...I'm not really sure
what I'm doing here anymore.

I agree.

Mark, you weren't
on Susan's list.

I overheard several assistants
raving about it in the kitchen,

so I bootlegged a copy.

And, uh, look, this guy
may be a little unusual,

but that's the whole point.

I thinksusan's absolutely correct.
I mean, wake up.

Would you not say
publish John Irving

because sometimes
he's a little fantastic?

And that's just
one tiny aspect of it.

I mean, what about
the americana of it all?

And the romance?

And, dorinda...

Don't tell me you didn't at
least love all the dirty parts.

[ All laughing hysterically ]

Come on, guys, get with it.

If we don't nail this guy down,
somebody else will.

And won't we be embarrassed
when it gets out

that we had him first
and didn't publish him?

Anyway, I'm a strong "yes."

Well, Susan, ha!

Can't wait to read
your new guy.

Well, actually, Walter,
it was Robin who found him.

Oh! Good work, Robin.

All right, is that it?

Then let's get back to work.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I told you
that was a great proposal...

Okay...

Susan?

Something's happened to you
the last couple of weeks.

I like it.

Thank you, Walter.
So do I.

Susan!ahh!

Thank you so much!
You have no idea how much
that meant to me.

I mean,
I've been wrong about you
this whole time.

I thought you hated me!
Did you know that?!

And nobody ever...

I mean --
I'm so sorry that Ben and I

called you
the wicked witch of the west.

We were completely wrong.
But it's just 'cause
I didn't have any idea.

You're so amazing!

And no one ever gives
their assistant credit ever!

Did you know that?Well, you deserve the credit,
Robin.

You really do.I only found the book.
You fixed it.

No, you deserve credit.I learned so much from you.

You really do.
You really do.

Now, I want you to run along
and come back in five minutes,

because we really do
have to have that discussion

about run-on sentences, okay?

Okay,
but actually it's lunchtime,

and, um -- I know how much
you hate Christmas parties --

but Ben's office
is having their party.

It's really important to him
that I be there.

Go, okay?
Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm positive.
Go ahead. Go.

Oh, thank you.Okay, sure.

Thank you so much!Sure. Sure.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Okay.
Thank you. Thank you!

[ Band playing
"good king wenceslas" ]

Hi, Tom, it's Susan.

I have, uh, wonderful news.

I'm at the office,

and I should be here
until about 7:00,

and then I'll be at home.

You have both the numbers,
so call me.

Okay. Bye-bye.

[ Ticking ]

[ Band playing "we wish you
a merry Christmas" ]

[ Horns honking ]

[ Beeps]

You have no messages.

At least
you're not getting fired,

dilly's writing,

and I know Tom's book
is gonna get published.

Maybe you'll even get a bonus!

I'll bet if you called Bob,

he'd invite you over
for Christmas.

Just say you're sorry.

You know you're sorry.

Oh.

[ Sobs ]

Okay.

Oh!

[ Dialing ]

[ Clears throat ]

Bob, it's your sister
suze the scrooge,

and I'm calling
to apologize, so...

Please call me back...
Goose breath.

Happy?

Very.

Why doesn't he call?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ "Good king wenceslas" plays]

Oh!

Come on! It'll be fun!

Walter: Susan...Susan...

Hi.
Hey.

Glad you're still here.

I thought
you had banned Christmas.

Well,
I'm having second thoughts.

Good.
Give me a little kiss.

Now, listen, I love the book.

I hadn't planned on reading it,

but once I started,
I could not put it down!

It's very good work.
I'm very proud of you.

Thank you, Walter.
Thank you.

Oh, and dilly's back on track.

He sent me 30 pages,
and they're brilliant.

Oh, great.
Good. Good for you.

It's gonna be a great year.

Walter, um...
Were you gonna fire me?

Absolutely.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Walter.

Come on!

Mark! Hey!

Hey!

You know...Oh!

Here you go.

Thank you so much.

Listen, I never did get a chance
to thank you the other day --

no, no, no.
Not necessary.

I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

You know what I mean?

Say goodbye to dorinda.

No!

So I hear.

Really?!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

How you doing, baby?
See you later.

Susan, hi!

Oh! Hey, Robin.
Where's Ben?

He's celebrating
a little late.

I'm glad you decided to stay.
Merry Christmas.

Oh, Robin, thank you.

Uh, you know, I haven't had
any time to do any shopping.Don't be silly.

I just saw it
and thought of you.

It's nothing, okay?

And I spoke to Tom
about the book.

Oh, you spoke to him?

I just got
off the phone with him.
He sounds so excited.

Oh, good.
T-That's very good.Oh, I gotta --

Oh, Susan!What?

Merry Christmas.

Honey, I read your book,
and it's a hoot.
I really loved it,

and especially when
he included the recipes.

Gloria, I'm really pleased.
Thank you very much.

Now,
open this when you go home.

It's a little personal.Gloria, you shouldn't have.

Oh, of course
I should have.

I get a kick out of getting
the perfect gift for everybody.

I start Christmas shopping
January 2nd.

Oh,
thank you very, very much.

You're welcome.Bye.

Hi, Tom.
It's Susan, your editor.

At least I-I hope
I'm still your editor.

Walter loved the book,

so we need to start
discussing your deal.

I know that you're disappointed
with Susan the woman,

but please return the call
to Susan the editor.

Tom, I'm sorry.

Um...susan the woman
would like a second chance,

so maybe you can call her, too.

Tom, uh...I miss you, so...

Merry Christmas.

[ Sighs ]

Well done, Susan stone.

What do you say we go home
and open our presents, huh?

Yeah! Come on.

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Co-o-o-ol!

My god!
Who wears these? And when?

On Christmas, silly.

Let's see what Robin and Ben
have given US.

Oh, my gosh -- Tiffany's.

Is she crazy?

Ha ha!
Now you have to get a tree.

[ "Deck the halls" plays ]

[ Horns honking ]

Susan: It's the most
pathetic tree I've ever seen.

Young Susan:
It's better than the one

that you didn'thave last year.

Now continue, please.

"'On dasher, on dancer,
on prancer and Vixen...

"'On comet, on cupid,
on donner and blitzen.

"'To the top of the porch,
to the top of the wall.

"Now dash away, dash away,
dash away, all.'

"and as he drove out of sight,
I heard him exclaim,

'merry Christmas to all,
and to all, a good night.'"

[ Horns honking ]

[ Child's voice echoes]

Suze?

[ Echoing continues]

[ Singing]

Suze?

Merry Christmas, my suze.

I love you so much.

I'll be darned.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Ringing continues ]

Aha!

[ Laughs ]

I like the outfit.

Oh, god!

Hey,
why didn't you call me?

I left you, like,
a hundred messages.

I was in New York.

I didn't check the Connecticut
machine till this morning.

Oh, well, wait a minute.

I thought
that you had the gift.

Yes, but only a teeny piece.

[ Sighs ] I missed you.

Me too.

[ "We wish you
a merry Christmas" plays ]

This...is the best Christmas
I've ever had.

So, Santa brought you
everything you wanted, Alice?

You mean there isa Santa?

Oh, that's a fact.
Right, Bob?

Oh, absolutely.

I'll bet she looks
just the way you did

when you were little.Yeah, she does.

May I propose a toast?
Bob? Thank you.

Glasses up?

A toast.

Up, up. Girls?

To friends who can be family...
And family who can be friends.

Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!

Bob: Great, dilly.

Merry Christmas, my precious,
precious...Doodleberries.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Susan: Did you go see
aunt Nelly last week?

Bob: Yeah, I saw her
a couple of weeks ago...

How is Danny?

Oh, he's good...

Merry Christmas, baby pru.

Young Susan:
Ha ha ha ha!

[ "We wish you
a merry Christmas" plays ]