If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000) - full transcript

You're afraid of hearing it,
but I'm more afraid than you.
I won't listen to you.

No! You've got to know.

I've got to tell you.
I can't keep it to myself
any longer.

I'm guilty !

You're guilty of nothing !

I've been telling
myself that...

Since the night I heard
the child say it.

I lie in bed night after night,
praying that it isn't true.

But I know about it now.
It's there.

I don't know how,
I don't know why.

But I did love you--
I do love you !



I resented
your plans to marry--

Maybe because I wanted you.

Maybe I wanted you
all these years.

I couldn't call it
by name before,

But maybe it's been there
since I first knew you.

- not the truth !
Not a word of it is true !

We never thought of each other
that way !

No, of course you didn't.
I used to say I didn't.

I never felt that way
about anybody but you.

I've never loved a man.

I never knew why.
Shut up !

Maybe it's best.

You're tired, worn out.

It's funny.
It's all mixed up.



So how was the movie, ladies ?
You recommend it ?

Oh, too much high drama
for my taste.
I like comedy better.

Me too. Say,
you ladies need somebody
to see you home ?

Oh, no, thank you, sam.
We can see just fine
on our own, thank you.

Anytime you need an escort--
if we do, it'll be you, sam,
guaranteed.

Hello, boys.

Wait, let me help you,
for god sakes.
- I have it.

You don't.
You're gonna hurt your back.
Oh, shut up.

Oh, I'm fine.

Just got a little
out of breath,
that's all.

There.
You sure you're all right ?
I'm fine.

Sure you're all right ?
You wicked wretch.
I'm fine.

Ah, ah ! Oh, oh !
Edith, edith.

You look kinda peaked,
sweetie. Go to bed.
I'll bring you some tea.

I just wanna fill the feeders.
Do it in the morning.
The birds can wait.

Where is that damn scoop ?

You always put it
in a different place.

It's in the same place
every time.

Where the hell is it ?

I'll get it.
- Oh.

You stupid,
bullheaded old woman.

oh, god. I--

Don't stay too long
out there.
- I won't.

Abby ?

Abby !

Abby !

Are you still out there ?
I'm checking on something.

Well, for sweet's sake,
put some light on at least.

Oh, my god ! Abby,
are you out of your mind ?

I saw some Starlings building
a nest up here. I just wanna
see what they're up to.

They're not up to anything,
you fool. They're asleep.

Just be quiet, would you ?
Hush up yourself.
Do you want some tea ?

Yeah, please.
You be careful now.

I'm watching you.

Edie, I knew it !
She's sitting on some eggs.
Oh, lovely.

Oh, hello, pretty bird.
How many do you have in there ?

Oh, leave the bird alone.
You'll scare the wits
out of her.

I wanna build
another house out here.
This one is always filled.

Oh, I think this is
the one I banded.

I can't believe it, edie,
she came back !

No wonder, darling.
You spoil the poor bird rotten.

Go to sleep, pretty bird.
Don't mind me.
Go to sleep, little darling.

- This where we wait ?
- Yes.

They just took my husband in.
He had a heart attack.

We were in the den,
having our coffee
after dinner,

And I was sitting
in my chair,
reading my magazine,

And then I--
I thought,

"it got
very quiet in here.
Why's it so quiet ?"

And I looked over
at James--

He was slumped
in his chair,

And he wasn't breathing.

He had a heart attack...

Right in front of me.

I never even noticed.

Here. It's clean.

Thank you.
Thank you.

You're very kind.
Thank you.

Why are you here ?
Is it your husband too ?

My friend fell off a ladder.
We think she had a stroke.

- Did she break any bones ?
- Don't know yet.

Well,

She'll be fine.

Is your husband
still alive ?
I never had a husband.

Well, that's lucky,

'cause you won't have
the heartbreak of losing one.

Mrs. Carpenter, you can see
your husband now.

Is he all right ?
The doctor would like
to talk to you.

Oh, my god,
it's not good.

It's not good.

Excuse me ?
Can you tell me what is
happening with miss henley ?

Oh, you're the lady
who brought her in.
Yes, I am. Is she all right ?

She's stabilized. They're gonna
move her into intensive care.
May I see her ?

Only family members
are allowed in after hours.
Come back tomorrow.

Can I see her for a moment ?
She might be scared.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about her.
They're taking good care of her.

Best thing you can do
is come back tomorrow.

Well, I'm going to stay
right here. Would you please
tell her that i am here ?

I will, ma'am, I will.
If anything changes,
would you let me know ?

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, can you tell me
where intensive care is ?
Down the hall.

I was told
that she was here.

I don't see her chart anywhere.
What's the patient's name ?
Abigail Henley.

I brought her into
the emergency ward
last night.

She'd had a stroke,
and they thought
she might've broken her hip.

At least we know she didn't
just up and walk out of here.
Don't worry, ma'am.

We will track her down.
Let's check the geriatric ward.

But I've been here all night.
I asked them to come get me
if anything changed.

They should've told me
if she was moved.
Don't worry, we'll find her.

You know, visiting hours
don't start till 10:00.
I know.

I know that.
I just want to know...

If she's doing all right.

Is she all right ?
Is anything wrong ?
Did you find her ?

Are you any relation
of hers, ma'am ?

No, I'm a friend.
I'm a very good friend.

Does she have
any family ?

Please, would you tell me
if something's wrong ?
I'm so sorry.

Miss henley passed away.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
We're so sorry, ma'am.

When did it happen ?

3:45 this, uh, morning.

Why didn't someone tell me ?
I-I was here. They saw me,
I was waiting.

I was there, waiting.
We're so sorry.
- Ma'am,

Does she, uh--

Does she have
any next of kin ?

"next of kin" ?

We need to call somebody
to find out what to do
with the remains.

I'll give you the number
for them to call, okay ?

Dear, there's a chapel
on the third floor,

If you'd like to just go there
and sit for a little bit.

Well, can I see her ?
Oh, dear,

I'm sorry, they already
took her body downstairs.

We are so sorry.

Shit.

[ woman ] hello ?
[ Edith ] hello. May I speak
to Ted Henley, please ?

Who's this ?
- This is Edith Tree.

I'm the-- a friend
of his Aunt Abigail.

Oh !
Uh, hold on, please.

Ted !

hello ?
- Hello, Ted.

This is Edith Tree.
I'm the friend
of your Aunt Abby.

Sure. Hello.
- I'm afraid--

I'm so sorry.
Your aunt passed away
this morning.

Oh, well, geez.
Well, how'd it happen ?

Well, she had a terrible fall
last night, and apparently
she had a stroke,

And they tried to revive her,
but this morning she was gone.

Oh, geez,
I'm-I'm sorry
that happened.

Now,

Her remains are still
at the hospital,

And I have the number
you will have to call.

Okay. Let me
just get a pencil.

And if I can be
of any help for you
to arrange the service--

Sure, that would
be terrific.

Uh, I guess I'd better
come out there then.

Let me just jot a few more
things down here.

Edith, I'm--
Edith, I'm sorry-- what's
your last name again ?

Uh, tree.

Sweetheart, let's--

Stop that.

You know, I think that
that was a very nice service.

It sure was.
It was very respectful.

Well--

There we go.

Well, I expect
you're hungry.

I'll make some tea.

No, we're fine.
- No, no.
Why don't you two sit down.

No, no, I'll do it.
You can go over
your aunt's papers.

I'll make the tea.
I'm sure I can find
my way around.

The kitchen
is this way ?

I went all around the house
and dug up everything
I could find,

But Abby was
never very organized
about these things.

She sure wasn't.
I found this photograph
of you and aunt abby.

Geez,
I don't remember this.

It was the first visit
you and your parents made...

To... Us,
- mm-hmm.

And aunt abby
took you fishing
for the first time.

Uh-huh.
You were afraid to put
the bait on the hook.

Oh, oh, oh. Right.
And she showed you
how to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember that hat.

Huh.

Well, okey-doke,
let's see what we have here.

- please !

Don't touch those, dear.
They're very fragile.

Those were
your great aunt Abby's.
She was a big bird watcher.

Oh.

These were hers, weren't they ?
Yes. She used to like
to keep them by her chair...

So she could
watch the feeders...
Here you go, honey.

Through the window.
Here, honey, see if you can
spot us some birds, okay ?

Can I have these ?
- Sure.

Mm.

Well, it looks
like abby owned this house.

Yes, it was in her name,
but we both helped
to pay the mortgage.

I see.

Well, I guess it's only fair
that you get something back.

Wha-- how do you mean ?
When I sell the house.

Oh ?

Oh, I'm s--
uh--

Did you wanna stay on here ?

Yes ! That was
always the agreement
between abby and me.

did she leave a will
or anything...

Saying that she wanted
to give the hous to you ?
No, no.

okay.

Well, I-I have no problem
with you staying here.

Uh, maybe we can work out
some kind of rental situation.

Oh, but Abby and I already
paid off the mortgage.

I really shouldn't
have to pay rent
all over again.

Uh--

But you see, um--

Uncle sam is gonna slap me
with a big inheritance tax
on this place,

And I can't just let it
sit here and eat a hole
in my pocket.

Oh.

You see what I'm saying ?

I've been here for 30 years.
Where am I going to go ?

Do you have
any family, Edith ?
What do you mean ?

Do you have anybody
who could take you in ?

I really don't want
to be taken in.
Okay, here we go.

This is a beautiful teapot.
Was it abby's ?

No, it was mine.

You know, I-I think
that before we leave,

That I'd help you
sort through some
of Abby's things.

No, there's no need for that.
Oh, don't be silly.
Sit down, sweetheart.

She is Ted's family,
after all.

You really shouldn't
have to do it all.

It's an awful job.
After my mother died,
my sisters and I--

stop picking at that.

My sisters and I
had to go down
and clean out the house,

And I swear, it was a solid week
just trying to figure out
what to do with all the junk...

That was in the drawers.

So, is most of this furniture
here yours...

Or abby's ?
- It's both of ours.

Actually, Edith said
she might want to stay on here
for a little while,

So, uh, maybe we should just--
no, thanks--

Maybe we should just leave
the furniture.

Oh, well, that's fine.

I'm relieved.

Frankly, I didn't know
what we were gonna do
with all of it.

So, well, that's perfect.

Well, these, now,
were Abby's, weren't they ?

Yes.
- Oh, yeah, some of these
are very beautiful.

I-I gave her that one.

Oh. It's a lovely gift.

Abby was a teacher,
wasn't she ?

Yes, we both taught
at the same school
for many years.

Oh, so you've known each other
a long time ?

Yes.

It must be so very sad for you
to lose such a good friend.

It is.
It is.

I think that you should
have something of hers
to remember her by.

I would really like it...

If you would pick
one of these birds...

To have as a keepsake.
Are you going
to keep them ?

You know, I think
that Ted would like
something of his aunt's.

I don't think we need to take
the birds, sweetheart.
You know, they really are...

A part of the family.

I think Maggie would want them.
Let's talk about it
later, okay ?

I'm going to get some milk.
I'll help you.

What ?
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Excuse me.

Oh, Edith, good news.

I found a couple savings bonds
that might be worth something.

I was thinking, after whatever
taxes they take out of them,
you and I can split the amount,

And that would help you
pay for the rent.

Ted, would you do me
a favor, please ?
- Sure.

The ladder--
the one she fell from--
is still out in the yard.

Would you--
- yeah, I got it.
I'll move it.

Thirty.
Hon,

Will you hold this edge
over there so we can see
how wide this is ?

- Thank you.
- What are you doing ?

Oh, you know, edith,
i think that we're gonna
take the bed.

You know,
it is a family piece.

- Ted said that
it's his grandparents'.
- Abby never mentioned that.

Well, it is, actually.

Mom, who's this ?
Hmm ? Let's see.

Is that aunt Abby ?

I don't know.
- Why are they dressed like men ?

I don't know.

We were dressed
for a costume party.

Let's go visit daddy
in the yard.
Come on, sweetheart.

Come on.

I didn't mean to leave
such a mess.

The problem is,
if she stays on here,

We're the ones who are gonna
be responsible for her.

Well, I'm sure she has
some family somewhere.
What if they don't want her ?

You see, I don't think
it's fair that we should have
to take care...

Of somebody else's
maiden aunt.
- Yeah.

Hey, daddy, look what I found.
It just fell out
of the birdhouse.

That's neat, sweetheart.
Why don't you go inside
and pick out what you want...

From aunt Abby's
bird collection.

- That other lady
doesn't want me to touch it.
- Well, it's not for her to say.

Okay ? Go inside.

What are we gonna do
with the rest of this stuff
in this yard ?

My darling, my darling,
my darling, my darling.

Oh, my darling !

What do you want ?

I-i found this.

oh, oh, yes.

Let me see.

It's a starling's egg.

Did it come
from the birdhouse ?

Oh, they must've hatched.

Great-aunt Abby knew
they were there.

Here.

That was
aunt abby's handkerchief,
but you can have it.

Little girl,
it is not for you to say
what I can and cannot have.

It is not for your parents
to tell you what you can take.

I'm-I'm sorry.

It's all right,
you can have it.

You didn't know
your great-aunt, did you ?

She was very kind.

She couldn't bear
to see anything suffer.

When we were girls,

She had her own little hospital
for all the birds and mice...

She rescued from her cat.

They all survived--

Those fragile
little creatures.

Somehow, she helped them
pull through.

Edith, I need to go over
a few more things with you
before we leave.

All right.

Maggie, why don't you
go play outside
a little bit more, okay ?

Please.

um--

Edith, I know you and i...

Discussed the possibility
of your staying on here.

But, as I said, with taxes
and the upkeep and all,

It's just gonna be
more practical for us
if we sell the house.

You know, Edith,
it might be better for you
in the long run to get...

A nice apartment
or a room somewhere...

Where you don't have to worry
about cleaning the house
or taking care of the yard.

Daddy ?
Yeah ?

One of the baby birds
fell out of the nest.
What should I do ?

Just leave it, sweetheart.
It's not supposed to make it.

Uh, why don't you guys
finish packing up
while I talk to edith.

Why don't you take this box
out to the car ?

Do you want one of these ?

No, thank you.

Okay.

Here's what we'll do.

Uh, I won't put the house
on the market until I'm sure
you're settled someplace else.

And, as I said,
I'll make sure that
you're compensated.

I think that's
what we should do.

If you knew
your aunt at all--

If you...

Knew about
all the marvelous things
that she did...

And how good she was
and funny...

And tender...

And brave and smart--

If you knew how hard
she worked...

Just to find a little peace
in this life--

If you knew at all,
then you'd know...

What she wanted.

And this wasn't it.

No, my dear,
this certainly wasn't it.

Okay, Edith,
we're gonna go now.

Why don't I call you
in a couple of weeks,

And we'll see
where things are at ?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, Edith,
it was very nice to meet you,

And I am so very sorry
about your loss.

Hey, how late was that woman
here last night ?
Very, very late.

Man, you scored.
What happened ?

Well, you know,
we're lyin' there afterwards,
and I'm thinkin'--

That was nice.
You know, she seems cool.

It was almost as if
i said it out loud,

'cause the girl starts
freaking out, saying this is her
first experience with a woman,

And she just wanted to know
what it was like.

Oh, great,
the science experiment.
Sometimes I feel like...

We're the only people
in the world that really
understand each other.

Baby, you just need
to get laid.

No ! I just want
a real relationship.

Linda, you wouldn't know what
to do with a real relationship.

The second we started going out,
you lost interest.

Jeanne, that's unfair.
We both said we're better
at being friends.

We are.

I just mean,
you're way into your freedom.

Look, I'm not saying
that I don't want my freedom.
I just--

I just think it's possible
to have that and be in love too.
Well, after the revolution,

We can all find love.

Good morning !
Peace, man !

So fucking uptight !

Back it up, baby.
Here we go. Let's roll.

Then my mother says to me,
"the whole point of your
college education...

Is to meet a nice boy."
get the fuck outta here.

That's exactly what I said.
You said "fuck"
to your mother ?

No. I just told her
it was hard enough
to meet a nice girl.

- Shh, shh.
- Hey.

Shit, we're not
this late, are we ?

The college told us
we can't have our meetings
on campus anymore.

They don't want to support us
because they think
we're a lesbian group.

But they can't
do that to us.
- Yes,

They can do that, Linda.

Look, we have to be
really clear about what kind
of group we are. We just--

We feel it's too risky to
include your issues right now.

- Are you kidding me ?
- First we have to fight for
the real issues of feminism:

Equal rights
between men and women.

There isn't any room
for you guys.

Diane, we started
this group together.
I worked my butt off...

To get free birth control
on this campus !

What do you think--
i was protecting my right
to screw frat boys ?

That is exactly
the kind of attitude
we don't need in here.

We did it for you !
We did it for you !

settle down !

- just shut up !

It's our group too !

I just can't get over diane.
Forget about her.

Screw them.
Why don't we go out ?

Where do you
wanna go ?

I don't know.

I don't wanna run
into any of 'em.

Fuck 'em.
We got each other.

We can go to that gay bar
that's out near the highway.

I heard that place
was a dump.

Yeah, a dump.

Well, yeah,
but aren't you
still curious ?

Not "reary."
not "reary."

Are-are you sure
this is a lesbian bar ?
It's a dyke bar.

Whoo, Linda !
Would you lay off ?

One more time, y'all !

Linda,
we're not staying here.
Come on, it could be fun.

You girls sure
you're in the right place ?

We're not girls,
we're women !

Yeah. Could we get
a pitcher of beer, please ?

You're gonna have to come
get it yourself, sweetheart.
There's no table service.

Okey-dokie.

Looks like the women's movement
is alive and kicking here
at georgette's bar.

Man.
- Look at that suit !

Careful, she might
slip you her number.

I'm tellin' you, you're gonna
get picked up on by her.
I know.

Here.
- Thank you.

Aw, him's jealous, baby.

Aw, man, tell me
that's not a tie.

yeah, I even got my dad
to stop wearing one.

Yeah, on a woman,
it's ten times
more offensive.

shit, I'm all out of smokes.
Be right back.

- Hey, could I get
a pack of smokes, please ?
- Cigarette machine is busted.

Really ? Is the machine
busted for everyone, or
is it just busted for me ?

Hey, me and my friends
are gay, you know ?

What do you want ?
A medal ?

I wouldn't take it personally.
I don't think she's ever fixed
that machine.

Want one ?

Thanks.

I got it.

Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Keep the pack.

You sure ?
I don't really smoke.

I just carry 'em
to look tough.

Does looking tough
make it easier to go
to a bar alone ?

I like being alone.
Really ?

You wanna dance ?

I can't.
My friends are--

Thank you.

Come on,
let's get outta here.

You know, I think
I'm just gonna stick around
for a little while longer.

Oh, linda, come on.
This is some bullshit.
Let's go.

No, it's cool.
I'll meet you guys
at the house later.

All right, bye !
- See ya.

There you go.

Look, I'm not gonna
just abandon you here.

It's my choice.

Looks like
your friends left.

Looks like it.

Now, would you like to dance ?

Yeah.

I'll bet your mom made you take
ballroom dancing.

how'd you know ?

I know a few things
about you.

For starters,
I know you're interested.

You stayed when
all your friends left.

Curious, in a way.

Curiosity turns me on.

It's really nice of you
to give me a ride.

okay.

It's gonna get cold
on the back of the bike.

Well, what about you ?
I'm used to it.

Now ?

Hold on tighter.

This isn't about sex.
It's about not falling off.

whoo !

There !

I could ride around
all night on this.

I drove 300 miles
from my hometown
the day after I bought it.

Kept forgetting
which was the brake
and which was the clutch.

Oh, good !
Now you tell me.

So, do you live
near here ?

On fourth street.

I'm sorry,
you probably wanna
get goin'.

So, what, you're finished
with me now ?

- No, I didn't
mean it like that.
- I'm only kidding.

You're pretty easy to get.
I thought you were
a tough feminist.

I am.

I thought you were
just tough.

Well, what do you think now ?

It's late.

I should go.
What about your shirt ?

- Don't worry about it.
- You could come
and pick it up tomorrow.

- How about after work ?
- Yeah.

I mean, I cannot believe
you aren't gonna tell us.
You got home really late.

I told you,
there's nothing to tell.
I just got a ride.

Did anything happen ?
Yeah, who is she ?

She gave me
the cigarettes.

You did not go home
with the tie.

I told you, I just
got a ride on her bike.
It was fun.

That's worse
than imagining you
with a man.

Can we talk about
something else ?

I ran into women
from the collective all day,

And I don't know
whether or not to say "hi,"
or just pretend not to see them.

You know what ?
Just say "hello."

Tell them we're gonna start
a lesbian group on campus,
and they're welcome to join.

We are ?
- How we gonna do that ?

We could.
We pay tuition
like everybody else.

You know what ? You're right.
We should have a rally,

And we'll get enough people
to sign a petition,

Then the college
will have to recognize us.
Exactly.

Right ?

What the fuck is diane
doing here ?

damn, Linda !

- Hey.
- Hey.

How you doing ?
Actually, great.
It's nice of you to ask.

You know, we were just talking
about the rally we're gonna have
to gain support...

For our new group.

Look, I feel really bad
about all this. We never
wanted to exclude you.

Diane, that group that you and I
started was for all women.
I still want it to be.

We're still lesbians, diane.
That hasn't changed
since yesterday.

I know that.
I was just trying to say
if we take it step by step,

Maybe-maybe next year--

So, until then, we should
just pretend that we're
not lesbians, is that it ?

We're not goin' anywhere.

Hi.

Hi.

Do you have something
for me ?

I forgot.

Okay.

It was nice
meeting you, Linda.

Ladies.

Do you know her
from school ?
We don't know her at all.

Well, um,
I'll see you guys.

How do you expect us to be
accepted as feminists with your
little boyfriend around ?

Right on.

You're not into her,
are you ?

Well, it doesn't
even matter.

She's never gonna speak
to me again after the way
that I treated her today.

How can you like someone
who dresses like a man ?

You saw those women
in the bar.

We fought so hard
to break free of those roles.

She's not like that.

It's like she doesn't
need other people
to define who she is.

She knows.

- I brought you your shirt.
- I don't care about the shirt.

Listen, I-I just
wanted to apologize
for what happened today.

I mean, you just showed up
at a tense moment.

You mean, it got tense
when I showed up.

No ! No, I--

It's not like it's never
happened to me before.

I just thought
if you invited me over,
you knew it was me showing up.

I know. I know, and I'm--
and I'm really sorry.
- Oh.

Was that it ?

Can I come in ?

Would you like
something to drink ?

No, I'm fine.

Sorry, that was
my one idea.

Just relax.

Good morning.

You're beautiful.

Did you hear me ? I said
you're buying me breakfast.

I'm using your toothbrush.

[ giggling ]

I wish I could take you
out to breakfast like that.

You look really sexy.

So, am I the woman,
and you're the man ?

No.

- Why do you dress like one ?
- This is how I feel
comfortable.

Do you see yourself
as a woman ?

don't you think I know
what people think of me ?

This is me.
It can't be any other way.

- Have you ever been--
- what's bothering you ?

That when we go out to breakfast
together people will know what
you are because you're with me ?

No.

No, that's not it.

Know what ?

Just...
Forget about breakfast.

Yeah, we can...
Do it some other time.

Linda, what are you doing ?
It's like your parents are
coming over.

No, it's more like
her husband.

Come on, you guys.
You promised
to give her a chance.

Sorry.
- God.

Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.
- Hey.
I brought you these.

- Thank you.

Amy, Karen.
- Hi.

- Jeanne, Michelle.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

They'll be nicer
after they've had a drink.

Mmm.
- Flowers for
the little woman.

I could get a sudden attack
of food poisoning
and have to go home...

Right now.

Just say the word.
I won't take it personally.

No.
I want you here.

So, what kind of work
do you do ?

I work in a mail room.
Mmm.

Do you need some help
with that ?
No, it's okay.

Why won't you let her help ?
She's not used to
having a man around the house.

Oh, no offense.
It's just a figure of speech.

Don't you want some wine ?
No, thanks.

You're afraid
you're gonna relax, huh ?

- Yeah, something like that.
- Come on. What do you mean ?

I guess if someone
tries to mess with me,
i just want to be ready for it.

It's the way you dress.
Yeah.

Because of the way I look.
Because people are
assholes, karen.

Oh, come on. You know
you could dress differently,
make it easier on yourself.

- It wouldn't be easier.

- That tie's been hurtin'
my eyes all night long.
- Why don't you stop it ?

No, I don't mean it
as an insult.

I'm just sayin'
the girl is suffocatin' herself
and doesn't even realize it.

- Why don't you try that on.
- No, thanks.

It might look good if you--
leave her alone.

- Chill out, it's just a shirt.
- You've been acting like
such a freak all night.

- All right. It's no big deal.
I'll try it on.
- - You could try it on here.

- We're all women, right ?

- wow.

You put it on. Now take it off.
How do you know
she doesn't like it ?

I don't.
- Amy, you can't see yourself.

I've been dying to do this
to your hair all night.
Don't touch me !

Stop it ! Amy. Amy !
Amy, please, I'm sorry.
For what ?

That you're ashamed of me ?
I never want you
to change for me.

Do you have any idea
what you just did ?

Wanna know why
you don't like amy ?

It's because you're
scared of anyone
who's not just like you.

Hi.
- "hi" ?

Amy, I need you to hear this--
don't you understand clothes
are only part of who I am ?

When I was little,
my mother--
- yes, I do.

You do ?

Yeah.

Amy, all of this time
I haven't been ashamed
of who you are.

I've been
ashamed of myself.

So ?

So, you accept who you are,
and I love that about you.

I wanna be like you.

well, I think you'd look stupid
in a suit or motorcycle jacket.

You know, I think it's time
that the big, bad, scary
lesbians...

Went inside and had sex,
if anybody cares.

Good coffee.
Mm-hmm.
- It's good ? Good.

It's been made
for a few hours.
- It's strong.

It's been really cold.
Yeah.
- Lately it has been.

Fran !

Yeah, but not too cold.
No, but for this time of year
it's been cold.

It's been very surprising.
Fran, for goodness' sakes--

Very nice.

Ta-da !

It's not that we don't
want you...

In the child's life.

It's really--
it's mainly that we just
don't want you...

In the child's life.

You understand.
I mean, we talked
about all this before.

Well--

We-we just think
it's a little weird...

Not to have any involvement
in the child's life.

Right.
Just like... Some.

Maybe a holiday or two.
That's all we were thinking.
We know it's your baby, but--

What-what "but" ?

See, that's why we were
so specific with you
about the--

The responsibility
of the donor.

Exactly. Zero.

Do either of you guys
remember the "zero parenting
responsibility" clause...

That we all agreed to ?
Uh, yeah.

We're sorry.

I think that--
we wanted to. I mean,
we really did, but--

We know how important
this was to you.

We really do.
It's just that...

We feel strongly about
wanting to participate here.

That's okay.

We understand.

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

It's fine.
It's fine. Right ?

Yeah.
- I-- what we're
gonna do is...

Just-just move on from here,
because this is something...

Clearly you've thought about,
and it's your decision,

And this is your response,
and this is our response,

And you shouldn't feel
responsible for responding
to the way we're responding--

To you.

Look at her.

Look.

Oh, look at him.
Is he not the cutest
little boy ?

Fran, I don't know
if I can know him.

I don't know
if I can know--

To be able to point
and say "that's the father
of our baby."

I don't-- I mean,
not that I could
put a face to anyway.

I don't-- I don't--
no face is okay with me.

I can't believe they have
sex-selected semen.

I can't believe you can order
sperm over the internet.

Well, I don't think you can
actually order it, but--

You can. You can order it,
and they send it in the mail.

Oh. No.

No, I'm gonna pick it up.
I mean, that's the least
I can do.

Are you-- are you sure
this is legal ?
Yeah, it is. Look.

They've got menus and lists
and the whole darn thing.

you know, maybe we should think
about having an ethnic baby.

Ethnic babies are
so beautiful.

What, are you kiddin' ?
Are-are you serious ?
You're not serious, are you ?

Yeah, I thought I was.
What happened
to what we talked about ?

I'd kinda like it
to look a little like me.
I mean, do I look...

Indonesian, or what--

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Well, I mean, you know--

I'm sorry.
you know,
I'm sorry sometimes too.

I love you so much.

I want the child
to look exactly like you.
That's too far.

What if they lie ?
That's what I wanna know.

I mean, what are they gonna do--
hire a private detective
to follow the guy...

Who says he plays guitar
after solving world peace
every day ?

Yeah, exactly. I mean,
who checks these resumes
anyway ?

What do you call
those things ?
How the hell should I know ?

Profiles.
Profiles. I knew that.
That's what they're called,

Because that's what...
The F.B.I. Keeps on convicts.

We're gonna get a felon donor.
Who would be more inclined
to do this--

Some serial killer
who needs 20 bucks,
or some handsome genius...

With an i.Q. Of a zillion ?
What genius gives sperm ?

What self-possessed person
wants to jerk off in a cup
for 20 bucks ?

how's it comin' ?

Oh.

You know, maybe--
I mean, just maybe--

There's some wonderful guy
who just walks in here
and says,

"hey, I just wanna
drop off my sperm...

"in case there's this...

Great lesbian couple
who needs it."

I'm scared outta my head.

me too.

It's perfectly normal.
All your concerns are normal,

But I have to tell you,
before we sell any of our sperm
to a client,

We've known our donors
for at least a year.
You're kidding.

No, we do extensive
background checks.

We go back at least
three generations
for most of our donors.

It would be
really difficult to lie
under those circumstances.

I guarantee you're getting
the cream of the crop here.

"cream of the crop."

Do you believe that woman is
talking about sperm...

And using sentences
with the word "cream" in it ?

Doesn't that seem to have been
the slightest bit weird to you ?

Yes, it's weird.
The whole thing is weird to me.

- Maybe we should adopt.
- Oh, yeah. That's easy.

Adoption agencies are
always so open
to alternative family adoptions.

That's true.
It'd be quicker
if you got me pregnant.

- What are you doin' ?
- I hate that I can't
get you pregnant.

- I hate it more.
- Couldn't possibly.

Oh, yeah.
Know why ?

Hmm ?
When I fell in love with you,

I decided that I never wanted
another man in my life--

Or, in my bedroom, at least.

And now,
in order to get pregnant,

I have to have another man--
or, at least, a part of a man--

In the bedroom,
and it's not fair,
and so I hate it more.

Honey ?
You're sitting on my ball.
- Hmm ?

I'm freaking... Out.

About what ?

I don't have sperm.
That's why I'm freaking out.

Can you believe--
I don't have sperm, and I am
forced to keep looking at--

At pages and pages
of-of...

Potential sperm that--
because I can't--

I can't give you the baby,
okay ? So--

So we'll never know that the--
what that would be like:

If just by our love--
if just by just one night
of our love...

That we accidentally
get pregnant.

If we had that kind of luck
that we could say, "oops !
Look what we did out of love."

But we can't do that,
so now we have to look
at sperm and pick the guy...

That's closest to me,
that has blue eyes
and blond hair, and--

I don't care anymore.
I don't care.

I mean, really, is his sperm
gonna be different 'cause he's
an electrical engineer...

Than the guy that works
at a hardware store, even,
you know ?

That has a little red vest ?
What's wrong with that ?

Interests: Hiking.
He walks.

Wow, that's special.
You must be a special guy.

I mean, our kid is gonna be
a great kid, because we're gonna
raise it with such respect,

And we're gonna teach it
so many positive things...

And tell it that it can be
anything it wants to be,

And he can grow up to be
anything and everything...

Because it's a beautiful child,
and it's an individual.

That's all that matters.
Am I right ?

Yes, you are right,

But I thought we were just
gonna narrow it down today--

Just narrow it down
to the few that we like.
That's what I'm doing.

I've narrowed it.
I did. I narrowed it down.
Okay. Good. Good.

And-and who did you pick ?
I picked the ten
nonreligious towheads...

With an I.Q. Over 95.
Perfect.

Yup.
- Yeah.

Brownie ?
- No.

I refuse to get fat
over this process.

Thank you, though.

Hmm ?
- Why are we
watchin' t.V. ?

What ?
Just thinkin' there's
better entertainment.

Yeah ?

You know, shelly did this
for a year.

Did what ?
Peed in a cup...

So that they could chart her
ovulation cycles and patterns...

So they would know the whole
thing before they got started.

Who's shelly ?
Oh, you know, that, um,

That woman that used to work
with us whose husband was a
football player for the lakers.

- That was like five years ago.
- Well, story's still relevant.

Okay, go.

By the way,
do you know that the lakers
is a basketball team ?

What did I say ?
I did ?
You said "football." mm-hmm.

You did.
Whatever. How am I supposed
to keep that all straight ?

If we have a boy, you might
wanna know these things.
If we have a boy,

You'll know these things,
so why should I have to ?

And, by the by, we could have
a girl who was more interested
in sports than a boy,

And I still wouldn't be able
to tell the difference,
so there you have it.

Mm-hmm.

- I'm ovulating. Yeah. Yes.
- You are ? Right now ?

Oh, my god. Grab the profiles !

So, which one should we pick ?
Let's go with
the philosophy student.

Oh, but he collects stamps.
Okay, then pick
the one you like.

Well, uh--
oh, the skydiver !
No, no, no.

We nixed the skydiver.
I don't want my kid
to have a death wish.

I like that risk-taking quality.
I think maybe we should
think about him some more.

Fran, what are you doing ?
I'm not gonna go through this
again, okay ?

I just wanna be sure.
We are sure !

We narrowed it down
to seven "sures." just pick
one who isn't a collector.

C-can you hold, please ?

Fran, what are you doin' ?

You ovulate once a month.
Let's take advantage of this,
okay ?

The carpenter.
The carpenter.
The carpenter.

Good. Jesus was a carpenter.
I like it. What's the number ?

31058.
- 31058.

- They're out of jesus.
- What do you mean ?

They sold out of it.
We should have ordered
all of it and put it on hold.

Okay, have 'em call jesus
and-and-and just ask him
for some more.

Okay. Can you call
and ask Jesus for more ?

Th-they could try, but the batch
wouldn't be tested. He doesn't
have a girlfriend anymore.

So what does that mean ?
Well, he could have
slept around, honey.

Oh. Okay. Well, we don't
wanna take that chance.
No.

We're thinking.
- Uh--

The professor. He's been
married a really long time.
His sperm'll be really potent.

Do you have any more
of the professor's ?
The number. I'm sorry.

83162.
- 83162.

Yes, they do.
We want it. Yes.
- Yes.

We want all of it.
All of it.
How much is it ?

Wow ! Okay.
Whatever. Okay.

I'll be there in about
a minute and a half.
Good-bye.

All right, I am going to
pick up some very expensive
frozen sperm.

And then it takes
two or three months of testing
before they can even qualify.

Yeah. We do
extensive background checks.
Thank you.

Yeah, some of our donors
we go back as far as--

That's fermented fresh milk
for you.

That was walking in the field
this morning. Yes.
Fermented fresh milk ?

Not cream ?
With cream.

Three generations.
We really do--

hi, kal.
- Hi, fran.

Have you got the stuff ?

Yeah, I got the stuff.

Why are you whispering ?
'cause I don't want
anybody to see me.

Okay. Okay.
Okay. Come in. Okay.

Fran ? I can't get
through the door.
- Yeah ? Oh.

Okay. That's good.
How's that ?

Oh !
- Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Honey ?
Yeah ?

I'd like to hug you too,
but I have to
put the baby down first.

Oh. Okay. Okay.
- Okay ? Okay.
All right.

What the hell are you
wearing ? Yeah.
Do you like it ?

Do you think it's okay ?
Yes. No.
But I got it.

It's fine. It's fine.
I think it's okay.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

What did you do ?

Oh, honey.
You're somethin' else.

- What's that ?
- I boiled it.

- You boiled the baster.
- I boiled the baster.

- To sanitize it ?
- Yes.

Are you tryin' to make things
more difficult ?

All right. All right.

Okay. All right. Okay.

Maybe we could take advantage
of this time. I could give you
pedicures in this position.

That's true.
I could be like this--
yeah.

Last one.
Last time we do this.

And I'm sorry about it,
let me tell you.

Fourth time's a charm.
Now scootch for me ?

That's good.
Who'd have thunk I'd be
so infertile ?

- You know my mom has
seven kids ?
- Seven kids ?

Yeah, for crying out loud,
you'd think I could have one,
right ?

Yeah, but today's the day.
I can feel it.
Me too.

I just feel like such a loser.
Oh, please. Come on.
You guys are amazing.

You have no idea how many
couples come in and do this
time after time, okay ?

You just got started.
Yeah.
- Really ?

You promise ?
Look for the silver lining.

Yeah, okay ? Okay ?
That's the doctor talkin'.
Have a little sip of wine.

All right.

Okay.
This isn't gonna hurt.
Oops, I lied. Just a little.

Good.

- Okay, kal ?
- Huh ?

Would you like
to insert the sperm ?

Yeah.
- Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, huh ?
Yeah. Okay.

all right.
- Okay.

All the way.
That's it.

I'm ready.
Oh, good. I'm glad you're
ready, because you know what ?

What ?
- We're done.

Really ? Yes !

What ? No kissing ?
Oh.
- Okay.

Naw, come on !
how cute was that ?

Aw.
Oh, god.

I love you.
I love you.

I love you.
I really love you.

I really--
- i love you both, but let me
just leave the room, okay ?

Yeah. Yeah, can you get
outta here, please ?
Thank you.

Yeah. My pleasure.

I think this might be it.
Right ?
- Right. Right. Yeah.

I feel it. Yeah.
Yeah, do like a thing.

Exactly.
- Okay.

Okay.

I don't think she meant
"immediately" immediately.

You could have waited
until we got home.
- Shh. I know what I'm doing.

You pregnant ?
Oh, yeah.

Yep. It was an instant,
intimate thing.

You need help there ?
All right.
No. I got it.

Do you think it's selfish--
wanting to bring a child
into this world ?

What do you mean ?
- I mean,

Aside from all the...

Craziness and the violence,

If it's our child,
it's gonna get teased,

And it's gonna have to
defend us.

Maybe.
But kids get teased.

All kids get teased.
That's just part
of childhood, isn't it ?

And, hopefully, by the time
our kid is old enough to know
what discrimination is,

The world will have changed
a bit.

if it doesn't ?

And if it doesn't...

Is an interesting question,
because it always has.

I mean, come on.
All I want to do is love you.

Just keep loving you...

And love our kid...

And just have that kid
witness our love, and--

It's all from love--
how can that be wrong ?

You're gonna be a great mom.

I hope so.

- Oh. Oh.
- Oh, my god.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Thank you.
They're terrific too.

- You got kids
in school here ?
- No.

No, we don't even--
we don't have kids.

Oh, well,
you should try it.

Good luck.
- Thank you.

- hey.

She says we should try it.
I think we should try it maybe.