If It's Tuesday, It Still Must Be Belgium (1987) - full transcript

**

**

I've never seen anybody
with so much luggage.

You're yelling
at me, Marty!

I'm not yelling,
I'm have an anxiety attack.

There's a difference.

I don't understand you.

Aren't you thrilled we're
getting married next week?

Yes, yes--
No. No, that's not it.

It's your dad,
moving to Europe,

working for him,
learning the tour bus business.



It's a whole new life.

Darling, we are a team.
We can handle anything.

If we put our
minds together,

we can absolutely
conquer Europe.

A new job, a new life.
Nothing fazes me, really.

Thanks, Randi.

I really needed
to hear that.

Let's get this stuff inside.

Aah!

I broke a nail!

Why does everything
always happen to me?

(humming)

Uh, you want to toss me
my passport there, buddy?

Yeah.



Hey, this smells
like perfume.

Musk.
You never know.

You get hung up
at Customs,

a pretty girl is
checking you through,

she gets a whiff of
the passport, touchdown!

Zane-o's got every edge,
my man. Every edge.

You know, I cannot believe
you booked the same tour

that Sylvia and I are
taking on our honeymoon.

You won't even know
I'm there.

I'm the kind of guy
that blends into walls.

(music playing)
Hey!

Hey!
(scat singing)

I'm gonna get
some air. Air.

(whistling)

Hey there.

(whistling)

Sylvia?

(man, French accent)
They are circles,
but they are oval.

I love them so very much.

Hi, Leo.
Hi.

Where are you going?

We're getting married
in five minutes.

Gee, something smells good.

It's succulent onion
sautéed to a golden brown.

Want me to whip you
up an omelet?

Oh, gee, thanks, sure.

Leo, there's something
I have to tell you.

What is it?

You want two eggs
or three, chief?

Three, and make sure
they're not runny.

Leo, even though we're
about to get married,

you have to admit things
haven't been as good lately

as they were
in the beginning.

Gee, I thought things
were going great.

Cheese?
Swiss.

Not for me, Leo.
I feel stagnated.

I feel smothered
in our relationship.

What are you trying to say?

Pepper and mushroom?

Fine, and some spinach,
please.
You got it.

Leo, I've met
someone else.

Oh, my God.
This can't be happening.

Leo, I'm sorry.
You're a very nice person.

Who is it?
I've got to know.

Here you go, chief.

Three eggs,
Swiss cheese,

peppers, onions,
mushrooms, and spinach.

I am the best,

right, my little
eggy-weggy?

Enjoy.

Sweetheart, you forgot
your slippers?

Oh, thank you, dear.

It's such an exciting job,
going on these secret trips.

I really envy
this one--

London, Paris,
Rome, Amsterdam.

I'll be back in a week.

Promise me you'll
be careful.
I promise.

Oh, I forgot. I packed
your lunch for the plane.

Uhh.

(choking)

Uhh.

(coughs)

Susan? It's Dad!

Nothing's wrong.

You told me to call you,
so I'm calling.

(thinking)
Now that's
a good-looking woman.

Nice legs. Nice tush.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah!
I'm still here.

I was distracted
for a moment.

No, don't put the kids on!

Hi, Jamie! It's Grandpa!

Doug Paladini.

Ken Johnson.

(man)
Hirschberger!

How bad do you want
to go to Europe?

I don't even want to go.

I want to go to camp.
Yeah?

Which camp you want
to go to?

I don't care.
I just need to unwind.

All right.
Here's the deal.

You go to camp,
I go to Europe.

Here. This will get you
into Camp Rama.

Ask for a counselor
named Artie.

Tell him Dave
the Idea Man sent you.

Your I.D. badge
and your plane tickets.

I don't know how
to thank you!

Make a wallet for me!

**

(no audible dialogue)

(no audible dialogue)

(shutter clicks)

(shutter clicks)

(shutter clicks)

Daddy! Hi!

Randi! Oh, you look
sensational as always!

Marty, you look terrific.
You been lifting weights?

Oh, no, sir,
just her luggage.

Oh, come on with
the "sir" stuff.

You're gonna be family
in a week. Call me Dad.

Oh, okay.

Uh...Dad.

Ah, I like that.

Gosh, we've got a lot
to catch up on.

I can't believe my little girl
is getting married.

I know. I have a zillion
things to do this week.

Oh, don't you worry.
Your mother's on the case.

She's already bought out
half of London.

All you two have to do
is show up next Saturday.

Right. 3:00.

Oh, by the way, Prince Rainier
RSVP'd. He is coming.

Good.
Prince Rainier?

At my wedding?

(exhales)
May I have
a glass of water.

Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry!

Marty!

Oh, don't worry about it, son.
It's nothing.

Darling, why don't
we go up to our rooms
for a little while?

Oh, you go ahead, Randi.

I just want a few words
with Marty. Guy stuff.

Sure.

Look at you two.
My two men.

Toodles.

(chuckles)

(chuckles nervously)
So...

What'd did you want
to talk to me about...Dad?

That's number one.
Cut the "Dad" crap.

Number two, I don't like you.

I sort of feel like
we're getting off

on the wrong foot,
don't you?

Quiet.

For some reason, Randi insists
on marrying beneath her.

Well, since it seems you're
going to be spending

a lot of time in my face,

I'm going to give you
a chance to win me over.

I appreciate you being
open to me, sir.

Basically, I'm going
to offer you a job

for which you are immensely
under-qualified

and will be tremendously
overpaid.

I don't suppose this
is a good time

to ask if there's
a health plan.

You can have this job
on one condition.

You have to prove
your mettle to me.

I have a tour driver.
His name is Mo Wyshocki.

He's been with me for 19 years.
Everybody loves him.

People ask for his tours
specifically,

and afterward they write me
letters telling me

how much fun
they had with Mo.

You must be
very proud of him.

I hate him.
He costs me money.

He dawdles, he makes side trips,
and he's a wiseguy.

I want you to find me
a reason to fire him.

But, gee, 19 years.

Maybe you two should
do lunch, have a confab.

Are you questioning me? Because
if you don't want this job--

No, no, I do, I do.
I was just pitching.
Don't.

I want you to get something
on Wyshocki now,

and it better be big.

He's in a union,
and I don't want

to get stuck paying him
a pension.

Marty, every man
has a dark side.

I want you to find Mo's

and bring me
his head on a plate.

(man, British accent)
218, please.

Mo Wyshocki here on the way
to Heathrow Airport

to pick up yet another
unsuspecting group.

Gonna try to top
my last tour,

but I don't think
that's possible.

(man)
About your expenses
in Spain...

So?

You weren't supposed
to be in Spain!

They wanted paella.

Look, Mo, I can't keep putting
these through for you.

I know you can hear me.

Mo! Mo!

(brakes hissing)

Oh!
Help!

(all)
Oh!

Are you all right?
Are you sure?

Gosh, I'm sorry.

Man, are we gonna have
a good time.

Look, Swanson, will you
just leave me alone?

You know, ten hours of
"Swanson, leave me alone..."

I'm starting to feel
rejected.

Come on, Future Scientists
of America, let's go.

Yeah, come on.
Fall in, guys.

David, I can
do it myself!

Ira, will you come on?
They're waiting for us.

Ooh! Look at that!

Did you see her?
What? Where? What?

You missed it.
Pay attention, Leo.

This is where they invented
the mini-skirt.

By the way, uh...

aren't you just dying to find
out how I did with Margo?

Who's that?
Margo.

The stewardess?

The one with the mole but
otherwise perfect complexion?

I guess I didn't notice.
Still thinking about Sylvia.

Call me crazy,
but I always thought

I'd go on my honeymoon
with my wife.

Hey, kemosabe,
I'm your best friend.

You want to talk about it?

That'd be nice, Zane.

You see, when Sylvia said
she wanted to leave me,

I was devastated.

I thought things
were going great.

After all,
I'm a respected CPA.

He's a short-order cook.

Ooh! Check that out.

Miss? Excuse me. Miss?

This is my first time
in England.

I'm having a little trouble
with the language.

All right,
this is it, folks.

This is it.
Tops in Tours.

I am your tour guide,
Mo Wyshocki.

(all)
Hi! Hello!

Welcome to
jolly old England.

Uh, how many of you are here
for the first time?

Let me see a show of hands.

Aw!
(laughs)

I'm only kidding, folks.
I'm practically a native.

And you will be, too,
after your day here.

Now, they're gonna
load the luggage,

so let's everybody
get on the bus.

We're already 30 seconds
behind schedule.

So, this is Europe.

Europe stinks.

Come on.

Come on, honey.

Bob and Edith Sperling,
Youngstown, Ohio.

Welcome aboard.

I hope you brought lots
of film for that camera--

Well, see, now,
that's what we wanted
to talk to you about.

You see, Bob and I,
we don't like tours.

I don't know how to tell you
this, but, uh, this is a tour.

This is a tour bus.
I'm a tour guide.

These are tourists. I hope
I didn't just throw you a curve.

No, no, no,
we know this is a tour.

I mean, we use this as
a base, and then Bob and I

go out on our own to some
out-of-the-way spots.

Whatever you like,
it's your vacation.

First stop,
Buckingham Palace.

I think it is so neat
that daddy is training you.

I just knew you two
were gonna hit it off.

Yep. It's gonna be
some life.

Now, darling, I want you
to have a fabulous time.

I want you to learn a lot.

Don't you dare be late
for the wedding.

Why would I be late
for my own wedding?

I don't know. I mean,
a good-looking,

single American all alone
in Europe for a week.

Anything could happen.
Well, hey, come along.

Me? On a bus?
Get serious.

I gotta go.

Cheeks.

(sighs)

Bye.

Mr. Wyshocki!

Guilty as charged.

Oh, are you with
the science kids?
Where's your t-shirt?

No, I'm Martin Bacon
from Tops In Tours.

I'm the new vice president
of the European operations.

Well, pardon me.

You're marrying
the Duchess of Wainwright?

Oh, kid, I want to wish you
a lot of luck.

Seriously.
You're gonna need it.

Nice to meet you, Marty.
I gotta get on the road.

I'm going with you.
You are?

Yes. I have a letter here
from Mr. Wainwright.

Oh, yeah?
Who wrote it for him?

I'm just kidding.
Well, welcome aboard.

You are gonna have
the fun time of your life.

I'm not here to have fun.

I'm here to observe this
particular tour package.

And so far, I've observed
you violate section 16-A

of the Tops in Tours
dress code.

16-A?
Yes. Where's your cap?

It's in the manual.

Hey, I don't go by the book.
I just wing it.

But I'll guarantee you,

you get one complaint,
I'll buy you a beer.

I don't drink.

Okay, I'll buy you dinner.
You eat, don't you?

Hey!

Is that a smile I see
around those facial features?

Come on, kid.
Life is short. Loosen up.

You're too young to have
a stick in your shorts.

Martin!

(Mo)
Now, I know you're all anxious
to get to your hotel room

and into a nice
lukewarm bath,

but I thought I'd show you
a little bit of London.

First, Buckingham Palace
and the Changing of the Guard.

Thank you.

(woman)
Oh, isn't that extraordinary!

Ooh.

All right, you will notice
the flag flying on the roof.

That means that Her Majesty
the Queen is at home.

(brass band playing)

All right, here it is.

This is the biggie.
The Changing of the Guard.

All right!

Thank you, guys.
Thank you. Good job.

Wow. I wonder what
it's like inside.

Would you like to see it?
All right, let's go.

All right, everybody,
back on the bus.

We're going around to
the back of the palace.

(woman)
What?

(murmuring)

All right, folks,
this is it.

Don't forget your cameras.

Wait! This--
This is not on the itinerary!

No, Ira, you can't go
to the bathroom now.

This is the Queen's house.

Wait for me before
you cross the street.

(car horn honks)

May I?
Oh, thank you.

(thinking)
I wonder if she's single.

Now, why did I say that?

I'm not a teenager
in heat.

I'm a 65-year-old widower

trying to enjoy Europe
in the twilight of my life.

It's a lovely day,
isn't it?

Yes, it is.

(thinking)
I want her.

All right, let's see
what we have here.

There's the White House,
the Louvre, the Vatican...

Ah, Buckingham Palace.

Do you believe this?

How about this guy?

Sylvia should
see this.

Here we go!

(chatting)

I protest!

(tires screeching
horns honking)

Everybody stop!

This is not on
the itinerary!

You're in trouble, Wyshocki!

This is unbelievable.

Pretty awesome,
ain't it, babe?

Bo, where's
the Queen's bedroom?

It's upstairs.
Come on, I'll show you.

Now, these busts
are priceless.

They're over
2,000 years old.

(recorder clicks)

Selsky. Memo. Day one.

We've snuck into
Buckingham Palace.

Unbelievable.

So far, no one
suspects anything.

I'm keeping
a very low profile.

(recorder clicks)

(crash)

Shh.

The Queen's bedroom.

(cameras clicking)

(knocks on door)
Who is it?

It's me, Your Majesty, Mo.

Oh, Mo!
How delightful!

Do come in!

(camera clicks)

Could you see?
I couldn't see anything.

Excuse me, governor.
You with Tops in Tours?

That depends. Why?

That bus is parked
illegally,

and I'm about to have it
towed to the impound garage.

Might get very sticky
for the owner.

Why would you assume
that I have anything
to do with that bus?

You've got five minutes
to move the bus,

or you're in deep muck.

Where's Wyshocki?

Upstairs.

Where is he?

He's in there,
with the Queen.

You get a chance
to watch much TV?

Not really,

but I do look forward
to "Benny Hill."

Wyshocki,
what the hell do you--

Whoa!

Excuse me there, Marty.

Your Majesty,
Martin Bacon.

Martin Bacon,
the Queen of England.

I think he likes you.

Well...

we gotta push off.

Thanks again
for the crumpets,

and say hi to
Chuck and Di for me.

Oh. Tell him he
owes me a phone call.

See you again.

I forgot something.

(telephone ringing)

Hello?

Mr. Dad!

You making any progress
with Wyshocki?

Oh, I was just about
to call you on that, sir.

For what it's worth,

he's a very interesting guy,

and the group
seems to love him.

I've kind of taken
a liking to him myself.

You know, maybe we should

run this one up
the flagpole again.

Shut up and listen.

You get the goods
on Wyshocki,

or I'll have you
washing buses.

Say hi to Randi for me.

(sighs, moans)

(knock on door)
Who is it?

It's me Mo.
You got a minute?

I'll make this quick.

Look, I know you
represent the company.

I hope that little
side trip today

didn't put your
nose out of joint.

It was highly
irregular.

But I must admit
that the group
seemed to enjoy it.

Try not to make
a habit of it, okay?

Fine.

Would you feel better
if you knew

exactly what we were
gonna do tomorrow?
Yes, I would.

As soon as you figure it out,
let me know, huh?

Don't snap my towel!

Look, kid, I'm just trying
to loosen you up.

I'm loose.
I'm loose.

Now, if you'll
please excuse me,

I'd like to dry my hair.

My mousse is hardening.

Ah!

I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

Look, I appreciate
your concern,

but I know all about
the differences in
currents over here.

I majored in engineering
before I switched

to hotel and restaurant
management.

Okay.

I'll see you in the morning.

(sizzling)

(dog barking)

Mr. Callaway!
What have you got for me?

I think I've located
your daughter.

Are you serious?
Where is she?

Is she all right?
When can I see her?

Whoa! Slow down!

I'm 99% sure
she's in Paris,

but I don't want you
to get all worked up.

I know you've been down
a lot of dead ends
these last four years.

Five years. Five years,
two months and 18 days

since the last time
I saw her.

Well, what do you think
we ought to do next?

What I think you
should do next

is pay my bill.

$5,000?

And 10,000 more when
I deliver your daughter, yes.

That's all the money I got
in the whole world.

Really?

I always thought bus drivers
made a decent buck.

Didn't you ever see
"The Honeymooners?"

If you want the best
private eye there is,

you gotta pay.

I just-- I can't believe
that you found her!

You are the best!

Uhh! We're not home yet!

(clears throat)

I'll contact you in Paris.

Good luck.

**

(brakes hissing)

Quite a morning, huh, guys?

(all)
Yeah!

Don't applaud. Tell Wainwright
to give me a raise.

Hey, there's a bistro
right over there.

Why don't we go
give it a shot?

Well, how about that?

Would you believe I've
never been here before?

(all talking)

Mo!

Bonjour, mon cher Mo.

Louie, I know it's
the custom in your country,

but frankly,
it makes me nauseous.

Oh, Mo, I missed you.

Please sit down.

Today you are my guests.

S'il vous plait.

(all talking)

(church bell ringing)

(thinking)
He's not bad,

and he's all by himself.

I wonder if he's divorced.

He smiles a lot.

She must be dead.

(car horns honking)

S'il vous plait.

Yvette, wine
for everybody.

Oui, Papa.

Whoa. Get a load
of those jugs.

Merci.

Not bad, is she?

Who?
Dottie.

You've been eyeing her
ever since the airport.

Is it that obvious?
That's okay.

She's been
eying you, too.

I just think you'd
better make it snappy,

'cause it looks like Zane's
gonna make his move.

I'd better get over there.

But what should I say?

It's been a long time.

Just leave it
up to uncle Mo.

Here's what you say.

(whispering)

Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?

(thinking)
He's finally making
his move.

Can I buy you a drink?

Of course I must see
some I.D. first.

(laughs)

Sit down.

Louis, excuse me.

Do you have
a pay telephone?

Sure, monsieur.
Through the door
and to the back.

Hi.
Hi.

I thought you
might be hungry,

so I took it upon myself
to bring you some food.

That's very thoughtful.
What's the catch?

There's no catch.
Call it a peace offering.

I've got some escargot
avec shallots,

poulet Louie,

and for dessert,
crepes Kalin flambè.

You seem to know
your French foods.

Well, gourmet cooking
is kind of a hobby of mine,

along with hang gliding,
bodysurfing,

and working with
underprivileged children.

(laughs)

Okay, I can't lie to you.
There is a small catch.

How about after lunch,
we go for a walk,

see some of the city?

Just as friends.

Well, I am getting a little
tired of being a babysitter.

I promise I won't
try anything.

It's okay. I can take
care of myself.

Okay, why not?
But just as friends.

That's all I want.
I just want to be your friend.

Good, because
I'm engaged.

(tray crashes)

You having fun, Marty?

I'm working, Mo.
I'm doing my report.

We're on a break, Marty,
relax.

Hey, take your shoes off.
Dance with me.

Mo-- Mo, there is
no such thing as a break

when you're in management.

Being a VP is a full-time
proposition, 25 hours a day.

Well, at least
eat something.

Well, I am a little
hungry. Thanks.

Mmm.
That's interesting.

What is it?

Sheep's brains.

Another?

Hey, you see the way
she looked at me?

Who?
Yvette, the waitress.

She undressed me mentally.
I felt violated.

It was great.

Zane, she was just trying
to be nice. Come on.

You know
you're a real downer.

And the one thing
you don't know anything
about is women.

Oh, and I suppose you do,
Mr. Musk Oil?

I know one thing:

You can bet that
on my wedding day,

my bride's gonna show up
without a date.

Oh! Okay, fine!

Just get it all out, Zane!

I'm sorry, Leo,
that was a cheap shot.

I apologize.

Uhh!

Leo! Hey, Leo!

Uhh!

He's as good
as we thought he was,

maybe even better.

Well, he'd definitely
be an asset to us.

(light crackles)

Well, I just have
to figure out

how to bring him over
to our side.

Yeah.

Darn!

(thud)
Uhh!

(groans)

Sorry, Mr. Selsky.

(car horn honks)

Whoa! What happened
to your foot?

Hey, what's with the touching?
What am I, a hand towel?

Sorry.
Um, listen,

we couldn't help
but to overhear

your conversation
with Leo,

and since you're gonna
be alone this evening,

we were wondering if
you'd like to join us.

We're going to
the world-famous
Folies Bergere.

You guys are 12.
Get away from me.

We're almost 14.

Oh, well, that's
a big difference.

Why don't you have
a cookie and go home?

Okay, look, just sneak us
into the show.

That's all we ask.

You guys can't con me, huh?
Take a hike.

Did you wire him?
Piece of cake.

The guy's a walking
satellite dish.

I don't know about this.

Hey, come on.

So far, does Europe
stink or what?

It's the only way
we're gonna have any fun.

The guy is an animal.

Yvette!

Yvette!

Have we met?

It's me, Zane.

From the tour group.

Oh, oui.
Now it rings a bell.

You're the one who ate
two dozen oysters.

Quite a man.

(Zane)
That's right.

Now we're getting closer to
international relations.

(feedback)

Did you know that
when you speak

there is feedback?
Oh!

May-- Maybe it's
the electricity between us.

Uh, listen, Yvette, uh...

Listen, I was wondering,
since I'm new to this burg,

maybe you could show me
some of the hot spots.

I'm sorry, but papa does not
approve of dating Americans.

So I won't ask him out.

We're leaving tomorrow.

Your father will never know.

Okay, but we must
not meet here.

I will meet you
in one hour

at the bridge on
the Avenue Eiffel Tower.

Can you give me a landmark
so I can find it?

(gasps)
That's the church
we went to visit--

Sainte-Chapelle,
with the green--

I mean, the blue, remember?

Dottie?
Yeah?

What a beautiful afternoon
for a boat ride.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I've always wanted
to see Paris that way.

(thinking)
Actually, I wish I knew

how to get her up
to my hotel room.

(thinking)
What I really want is to go
back to his hotel room.

Do you want to go
for a ride?

Oh, you little devil,
you read my mind.

Bonjour, monsieur.
Bonjour, madam.

Two.
Two.

Un, deux.

Yes, sir.

Oh, hey, there's Leo Feltch.

Aw, he looks kind of lonely.

(thinking)
I wish he'd get lost,

but she'll probably
think I'm a jerk

if I don't invite him.

Over here, Leo!

(thinking)
Keep walking, Leo.

Why don't we ask him
to come along?

(gasps)
I was just thinking
the very same thing.

Leo!

Hi.
What's up?

Going for a boat ride.

Swell!

One.

Hey, guys!
Wait for me!

Uhh!
Oh!

Sister! I'm sorry!

Did I break your...
bibliosicca?

Oh, heavens.

**

(indistinct chatter)

(Dottie)
Oh! That's incredible!

David, I never thought
I'd say this,

but I had
a great time today.

Me, too.

Good.

Kalin, are you
really engaged?

Yes.

His name is
Arturo Penserello.

He lives in Italy.
He's an investment banker.

How old is this guy?

He's 27, and we're
very much in love.

I can't wait to meet him.

Wait a minute.

Did I just
miss something?

You're engaged, and you
haven't met this guy yet?

Well, we've never met,

but we've known each other
intimately.

We've been pen pals
for five years.

You should see his letters.
They are so beautiful.

You want to see his picture?
Uh, no.

Do I detect a hint of jealousy
from my new friend?

I'm not jealous.

I'm just trying
to figure out

how this is all
gonna work out.

I mean, are you going
to finish school in Italy,

or is he gonna move
his investment business
to the States?

Don't you think
he's gonna look kind
of stupid at the prom?

We're not getting married
right away.

I'm gonna finish
school first,

then we'll see
what happens.

Arturo's not a high-pressure
kind of guy.

(car horn honks)

(footsteps approaching)

Yvette.

What?

Is it my cologne?

No, it is my papa!

Yvette!

Whoa! Whoa!

You American gigolo!

I'm harmless. War wound.
I'm a eunuch.

I'll cut you!

Listen to this.

As we know,
several years ago,

your wife kidnaps your
daughter and disappears.

I get a tip that they're
somewhere in Europe.

(blows raspberry)
Here's the interesting part.

She starts playing house

with a circus performer
named The Great Martini.

A circus and a guy
named after a drink?

She would do that.
And there's more.

Six months later,
she decides

The Great Martini
isn't that great,

so she runs off with
a contortionist.

(laughs)

And my daughter?

She's still with Martini.

He won't let her go,
until today,

when I, of course,
rescued her.

Which is good, you know,

because they were ready
to go off to Belgium.

Last performance tonight.

Well, where is she?

Got the money?

Ah.

First, my daughter.

(footsteps approaching)

This is definitely
a Kodak moment.

Callaway, that's not
my daughter.

Didn't I send you a picture?

Yeah, but she was
in high school.

People change.

You are cute.
Thank you.

You're pretty...
and handsome.

Well, I'll let you two
get reacquainted.

Callaway, can I talk
to you just a minute?

I was gonna ask you for
a letter of recommendation,

but maybe now's
not a good time.

Gotta run, Mo!

Sounds like you two have
got everything worked out.

Yep.
That's too bad.

You know why?
No, why?

Because once you're
a married woman,

you will not be allowed
to experience the...

knee-buckling,
legs-turning-to-Jell-O,

"did the Earth just
move for you,"

volcanic David Swanson
soul kiss.

And it goes
something like this.

Hyah!
Uhh!

Whoa!

What was that?

Aah!

Yankee!

Yankee!

(yelling in French)

Uhh!

What? Again?

Is this the custom?

Why, that guy looks
just like Zane.

I'll get you, Calloway!
I'll get you!

That's all the money
I got in the world!

No! No, Calloway!

No!

Aah!

Whoa!

Oh!

Aah!

Save my camera!

Selsky! My camera!

My film!

My wallet!
My pictures of Sylvia!

I'm sorry, Selsky.

We just don't feel safe
in the same boat with you.

Well, I thought things
were going pretty well.

**

(man on P.A.)
And now, in the front ring,

on horseback,

it's the Princess Avita!

(applause)

("Habanera" playing)

(music continues)

(mouthing)

(music stops, applause)

You are so beautiful,
Sophie.

My heart pounds
when I hold you.

Of course, I love you too,
Trudy...

except tonight,
you were a very bad girl.

If you stray like that again,
you're out of the show.

She's hungry.

Well, let her out.

Wow.

Stale crackers,

moldy cheese
and some brown stuff.

Is it my birthday?

What are you
complaining about?

You have your own room.

Next door,
they got 12 midgets

and the Lopez chimps
in a place half this size.

Sounds like
the French Riviera to me.

Pick, pick, pick.

You know, as far
as I am concerned,

you can leave
whenever you like.

Catch you later.

The girls would
like you to stay.

Why are you doing this?

What kind of sick pleasure

do you get out
of keeping me here?

I want to marry you.

But I hate you!

I despise you!

I think you're a vile,
disgusting animal!

Yes, but this is just
one side of me.

I'm really very giving.

I would do
anything for you!

Except shave my mustache.

It's my trademark.

Martini, please let me go.

I swear I won't say a word
to anyone, I swear.

Even though you've locked me
in a room for five years,

I won't hold a grudge.
Just let me go.

I hate when you whine!

It's so...whiny.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

I direct your attention
to our main attraction.

The internationally famous,

the one, the only,

The Great Martini!

(cheers and applause)

(fanfare)

(brass band playing)

(drumroll)

(cymbal crash)

(audience gasps)

(audience gasps)

(cheers and applause)

(drumroll)

(audience gasps)

(cheers and applause)

(brass band playing)

Oh, I'm gonna get that guy.

(growls)

(elephant growls)

(elephant growls)

(coughing and tapping)

(coughing)

Mo! Ha!
What are you doing here?

What a pleasant surprise.
Ha ha.

I don't believe this.
You're tailing me.

Is that what you think?
I'm offended.

What are you doing
in there?

Discovering Paris.

You see, when some people
visit a new city,

they like to go
to the museums

or to the theater
or to the bars.

I like to go through garbage.

I'm a garbalogist.
Well, a bientot.

I want to know why
you are following me.

I have nothing
further to say.

Uhh!

It was Wainwright!

Uhh!

All right, Marty!

The truth, Marty,
all of it!

Wainwright sent me on
this trip to follow you.

He wanted me to get something
on you so he could fire you.

Well, what's
in it for you?

Not that much.
VP job, stock options,

company car, two months
paid vacation, expense account.

Penny-ante stuff.

Did he tell you why
he wanted to fire me?

Well, he said you were a
wiseguy, and you cost too much.

And you agreed?

Well, it did seem a bit cold,
but he's the boss,

and someday I'd like
his office.

(sighs)

I heard about
your daughter, Mo.

I'm sorry.

You know, maybe I can
help save your job.

I can give Wainwright a call
and put in a good word for you.

Hell, we're practically
family.
Forget it.

Well, I wish there was
something I could do to help.

Something small
but meaningful...

within company policy,
of course.

You want to help me?

Then let's follow
this circus to Belgium

and get my daughter
away from that maniac.

"Maniac" is where
you lose me, Mo.

Let's just stick
to the itinerary.

Tomorrow it's The Hague
and a cheese factory.

Marty, I gotta
save my daughter.

What a mess, Mo.
It's like a tangled web.

All right, let me
untangle it for you.

Look, I promise you
I'll get you

back in time for your
wedding, guaranteed.

Now, listen,
when we get there,

I'll confess to anything
you want me to,

and you can fire me
right on the spot.

You'll be a hero.

Just go along
with anything I say

until we can get my daughter
back from that Martini.

Deal?

**

(chatting)

Hi.

Well, if it isn't
Hulk Hogan.

David, I came over here
to apologize.

It was instinct.
I have a black belt
in karate.

No. Hey, I deserved it.

I want to propose a truce.

You're gonna flip me.

David.

Hey, Zane.

I waited for you.

Big mistake, Leo,
because I had a date.

Oh, really?
How'd it go?

How'd it go?

You know that famous song

"Who Wrote
The Book Of Love"?

Yeah, so?

Zane-o "The Stud" Drinkwater,
that's who.

That's funny, 'cause,
come to think of it,

I thought I saw you
this afternoon

running down the street.

Me? Ha. No way.

I was romantically
involved

with a lovely woman
of French distraction.

Are you sure? I mean, I took
a boat ride with Ed and Dottie,

and I saw this guy running
down the street for his life.

You are sadly mistaken.

Leo, you have confused
someone with me,

the Zane-o Love Machine.

(Leo)
You know,
come to think of it--

(Zane, on P.A.)
Whoa! Whoa!

You've got the wrong idea!

I'm harmless! War wound!
I'm a eunuch!

(laughing)

Hey, you! You!
Fat boy! Come here!

Kiss off!
You stink!

I'm gonna get you!

Come on, Zane!
Come on!

I want to thank you all

for coming down on such
short notice.

I realize it's late,
but I appreciate it.

Is everybody here?

Everybody but Dottie, Ed,
and the Sperlings.

Dottie didn't answer,

Ed had a "Do Not Disturb"
sign on his door,

and the Sperlings
went to Balzac's house.

"Do Not Disturb," huh?
That's nice.

I got to tell you a story.

About five years ago,
my ex-wife Quasimodo Wyshocki

wanted to do something
about our lousy marriage,

so she decided to kidnap
my daughter.

Poof! They disappeared off
the face of the earth...

until yesterday.

I found out that my ex-wife is
still missing, thank God,

but that my daughter
is being held prisoner

by a lunatic knife-thrower for
the Hyman Brothers circus,

and I want to
get her back.

That means a change
of itinerary.

Tomorrow we head for Rome,
and then on Tuesday,

we go to Belgium and get
my daughter back.

(cheering)

You guys don't have to go
along if you don't want to.

There's another
Tops in Tours bus

coming through
here tomorrow.

You could
hook up with that.

(all)
No!

Well, I don't know
what to say

except "thank you."

All right,
let's hit the sack.

We leave tomorrow
right after lunch.

(indistinct chatter)

Thanks, Mo.

No, no tipping. Buy me
a cappuccino in Rome.

(knock on door)
I'll be right there, Mo.

I just gotta pack
my Tommy gun,

my bazooka,
and my brass knuckles.

Ha ha ha!

(gasps)

Randi! What a delightful
surprise. Won't you come in?

What was that
about a bazooka?

Oh, that.
Ha ha.

Just kidding.

I like to keep
everybody loose.

Ooh, I missed you
so much.

Marty! You're smudging
my makeup!

Sorry.

So, what brings you
to Paris?

Oh, there are just
a thousand things to do

that mother and daddy
hadn't thought of.

The shops in London
are nothing.

I thought maybe you and I could
take a couple of hours now

and run up daddy's
charge plates.

I can't leave the tour
for two hours.

I'm working.

A vice president can
do anything he wants.

So how's the Mo thing going,
by the way?

Daddy told me all about it.

Oh, great, great.
He's hanging by a thread.

I knew you could do it.

Daddy had some doubts,
but I never did.

So get ready. We have lunch
reservations at Maxim's.

I've got to think of something
to tell the tour group.

Just tell them to buy postcards
or film, whatever they do.

Right. Great.

I'll handle it.

You stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Why are you taking
your luggage?

Oh, that. Right.
Just habit.

I won't be needing that.
Maybe just my case.

(kisses)

(door closes)

Monsieur. Monsieur.
Monsieur.

There is a young woman
in room 412 waiting for me,

but I have to go.

Please give her my
apologies and see to it

that she gets anything
she wants.

Don't ask any questions.
Just give it to her.

Oui.
Oui? Okay. Merci.
For your trouble.

What happened to the smile?

You won't believe
what I just did, Mo.

My fiancèe came
to visit me in Paris,

and I ran out on her.

I left her sitting alone
in a hotel room.

What kind of
a human being am I?

I know that's a tough call
for you, but...

hey, I need you, Rambo.

All right, we're moving.

**

(knock on door)

Come in.

(doorknob turning)

How about a little appetizer
before lunch?

Take your clothes off,
you sex maniac.

(Randi)
Aah!

**

All right, everybody,
welcome to Rome,

the carbohydrate capital
of the world.

Enjoy yourselves,
but just remember,

be on the bus at 7:00 a.m.
sharp in the morning

for our little jaunt
to Belgium.

Buonanotte, circus fans.

Buonanotte, Roma!

Grazie. Prego.

That is right, isn't it?
"Prego," something like that?

David!

I think Kalin dropped this.
Would you make sure she gets it?

Sure, Mo.
Thank you.

Hmm.

(church bells tolling)

"Arturo Penserello."

(knocks on door)

(speaking Italian)

I probably have
the wrong apartment,

but you wouldn't happen
to be Arturo Penserello?

Why?

Are you my new
parole officer?

(speaking Italian)

They get younger ever time
I get out, eh?

Um, you wouldn't happen
to know a Kalin Brewster?

I never heard of her.

You were pen pals.
You wrote letters to her.

I write a lot of letters
when I was on Devil's Island.

How can you not remember her?
You proposed to her.

You made a date with her
for tonight.

Shh! Shut up!
(speaking Italian)

You want my
old lady to hear?

Look, if you go anywhere
near her tonight,

I'll call the cops,
and you'll rot in jail.

Okay, okay.
I won't show up.

It's no big deal, eh?

(chuckles)
I just wanted
to have a good time, huh?

All right.

Well, well, good.

But you know what?

I'm going to have
a good time anyway.

But you've got
to help me, eh?

How?

I've had a good time.
How about you?

(door closes)

David, what happened?

Oh. Um...

I cut myself shaving.

Actually, Kalin, the reason
I'm here is to tell you

that Arturo won't be able
to make it tonight.

I know.

I figured I'd better
check him out.

I went by his house.

Even met his wife.

I'm sorry about all this.
You must be disappointed.

You're a good friend, David.

So, since we're both here,

up for a little dinner?

First, a toast

To good friends.

To good friends.

And maybe more.

(Mo)
David, how are those
phony I.D.s coming?

Wow. That's nice work.

Dottie, Ed, remember,
you have to delay

Martini and his stooges
for as long as you can.

Brian, Ira,
you got your tools?

Okay.
We're all set.

Yeah, that's
Martini's trailer.

And it's got bars on
all the windows.

Okay, everybody got
your assignments?

(all)
Yeah.

Good luck.

Hey, what about me?

(man)
There are two guys up here
from television show.

They want to interview you.

How do you do,
Mr. Martini?

It is indeed a pleasure.

I'm Maurice Chafeman
from the 11:00 news.

I would love to do a profile
on you on tonight's news.

It's about time.

How great do I have to be
before I am noticed?

We agree.

That's why
we want to introduce

the greatest circus
performer in the world

to all of Belgium.

Let's say we go to
the center ring right now

and get some shots
of you in action.

Sounds delicious!

And may I say
with all humility,

the praise you heap on me,

absolutely true!

Let's, uh,
make magic.

Just a minute.

Before we make magic,

I must see some
documentation.

The Great Martini must protect
himself from fakes.

Otherwise,
you'd be a fool.

Ah. Very well.

Gentlemen,
to the center ring!

Mr. Chafeman, my cape!

Yes, sir,
Your Excellency.

The hat.
No.

Wear the hat.
No.

The hat.
No!

(sighs)

Yes, Father?

Good day.
My name is Father Wyshocki.

I happened to bring
a group of orphans

to the matinee yesterday,

and I was shocked to see Hana,
my long-lost sister,

as the assistant
to The Great Martini.

I was wondering
if I may say hello to her

for just a moment.

Oh, she's not here.

You're lying to a priest?
You want to burn in hell?

Actually, Father,
my associate forgot

that Miss Hana
is in the back room.

You know, sometimes we get
confused with all this space.

I promise I'll just pay my
respects and be on my way.

We were never
really that close.

Come in, Father.

(clears throat)

Hana, my sister.

How good it is
to see you again.

(whispering)
I'm not really a priest,

and I'm not really
your brother.

My name is Marty Bacon,

and I work
for your father.

Jump out of the bathroom
window at 11:15.

You look wonderful.

This job seems
to agree with you.

Yes. Um...

I'm very happy working
with The Great Martini.

Well, I'd love to
stay and schmooze,

but I'm calling
bingo tonight.

It was great
seeing you again, Hana.

Likewise.

Good-bye, brother.

Bless you, my child.

(barking)

(applause)

**

(drops knife)
Be careful!

That's Sophie!

You seem very
jumpy tonight.

What's the matter
with you?

Nothing.

It just slipped.

You know how temperamental
she can be.

(whimpering)

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

the one, the only,

The Great Martini!

(drumroll)

(fanfare)

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(grunts)
I think I got it.

(exhales)

(crowd)
Ooh!

(saw whirring)

(whirring)

(crowd gasps)

(fanfare)

(brass band playing)

Hand me the flashlight.

I thought you were
bringing the flashlight.

I brought
the fried chicken.

I thought you told me
to bring the fried chicken.

Great. We have 40 buckets of
chicken and no flashlight.

Did you bring
the coleslaw?

I thought you were
bringing the coleslaw.

Just get me a light,
will you?

(Mo)
Come on, guys, hurry up.

(brass band playing)

Stop!

Tonight was
the first time ever

they did not ask Martini
for a curtain call.

The first time ever!

You want to know why?

Because you stunk!

Where was your
head tonight?

I'm sorry. I was off.

I guarantee
I'll be better tomorrow.

You'd better be.

And you'd better start falling
in love with me soon,

or we're going to have
a lousy marriage.

You know, I feel dirty.

I think I need a bath.

How you doing?

Just the VCR,
then we're done.

Unplug me
and I'm out of here.
Okay.

(engine starting)

Ooh!
You were terrific!

How do you do that
with these knives?

I cut myself
buttering toast.

Oh, could we get an autograph
and a photograph?

Okay.

Thank you.

Let's go.

Uh, could I
get them, too?

You want them?

Fine.

Just hurry up.

Oh, boy.
If you ask me,

he and that girl
are nothing.

You two guys are
the whole show.

Thank you very much.

Now those are schmoes.

Fellas!

Could you give me a push?

Sure, sure.

Hey.

We don't like clowns.

Come on, guys.

Can't you help us?

What will you give us?

I'll give you something
you won't forget.

I want my sugar now.

You've got it.

Hyah! Hyah!

Ugh.

You have been soaking
in that bath for 20 minutes.

You're going to shrivel up
like a prune.

I'll be right out.
I'm just fixing my hair.

You spend
almost as much time

in front of that
mirror as I do.

Where is my lamp?

(click)

(Leo)
I'm delighted to
be here today

with The Great Martini.

I'm sure you are.

Forgive me if
I get long-winded,

but we are talking about
my favorite subject: me.

Nobody's here.

Not her, not the geniuses.

(Leo)
When did you realize

that you were very good
with knives?

(Martini)
Ah. I was about 8 years old,
and I was cleaning a fish.

And I don't know-- The sun
bounced off the bucket

and hit the knife blade,

and I knew right then
that I had a calling.

Hana, quick!
They're doing the early years!

(Martini)
In fact, that's what
I used to call me--

I'll be right there!

But somehow "Amazing" seemed
like an understatement.

(Leo)
What did your parents think

of your newly-chosen field?

I have hopes of owning
my own circus.

Someday I would like
to have a line of cutlery.

Eventually, of course,
I would love to direct.

Marty, thank you!

What are you doing
for the rest of your life?

(engine sputtering)

Why are we stopping?

Uh, a little unforeseen
engine trouble.

As you get to know me,
you'll find

that I'm really at my worst
at these situations. Ira!

I'll take a look.

They should have
been here by now.

Something's wrong.

My father wanted me
to be a lawyer,

but I told him I was
too much of a cut-up.

Hmm.

Do you know what's amazing?

I'm even better-looking
on television.

(Leo)
It's very funny, too.
It really is.

Ha ha ha!
How did you go about...

I don't feel like
talking to myself.

Hana?

(knocks on door)
Hana!

She's gone.

Uhh!

I'll kill myself.

No.

That's a waste.

I'll kill her!

How are you guys
doing back there?

We're gonna have
to splice the wire.

We need something
long and sharp.

Martini! Run!

Get Mo!
Get Mo!

How could you do this to me?

I gave you everything
but billing!

(cheering)

Good work, Hana.

I think we lost him.

Ah!
In the tent!

She got away!

You want us to
help you find her?

No. Relax.

Take in the show.

Get in there!

Go! Go!

**

(laughter and applause)

(cheering stops)

Strap them
to the board.

We'll give
this audience a show

they will never forget.

(coughing)

Mo.

Where are they?
What happened?

The car broke down.

Martini.

(engine revving)

Do you realize
I'm the only one

that didn't get
an assignment?

I mean, I'm as good
as anybody else.

Look, I don't mean
to chew your ear off.

But it really does
tick a guy off,

you know what I mean?

(drumroll)

Normally I wouldn't
mind, but--

Aah!

Aah!

Uhh!

I'm Hana's father.

Not the face.

Uhh!

(cheering)

**

Hey, Mr. Selsky,
that took a lot of guts.

Thanks.
What'd I do?

(engine revving)

(cheering)

Okay, everybody, on the bus.
Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go Mo!

Marty, you were
incredible.

That was so brave.

(chuckles)
What can I say?

Say that you'll
see me again.

Oh.

Come on, you two,
shake a leg.

We've got to get Marty
to Bordeaux...

for his wedding.

(Mo)
All right, everybody,
we're stopping for lunch,

and we're in a big hurry,
so don't order soufflé.

Look, I know this is going to
come as quite a shock to you,

but, um, about the wedding.

Are we locked into this date,
you know, this afternoon?

Look-- Look, at least
be open.

Let's talk about it.

I mean, that's the key:
communication.

You know,
sometimes I feel like

we don't even
talk to each other.

Hello?

(chuckles)

I just wanted
to say good-bye.

You're leaving?

Yeah. I'm gonna go
straight to London

and crash at
my dad's apartment.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I suppose you could
use a little R and R. Ha.

Sure could.

Look, uh, Hanna,

um, about that
little wedding thing.

I know I'm supposed
to get married this afternoon,

but I--
But what?

You're still gonna
see other people?

Oh, no, no,
of course not.

I...

I just never expected
any of this to happen.

My whole life has
been programmed

since I was
nine years old.

I always knew I'd
be a businessman

and grow up and marry
someone like Randi.

And then I met you,

and my whole life
got screwed up.

No, I mean that
in a good way.

All I'm asking for
is a little time.

Marty, I just wasted the last
five years of my life.

Time is very precious to me.

I can't afford to waste it.

I'm really sorry.

Mind some company?

No, suit yourself.

(sighs)

You did pretty good with
Martini. I was proud of you.

You did all right
yourself.

Yeah. I guess
when we want to be,

we can be a pretty good team.

Sure.

Leo, I've been thinking
about something.

I've been a rotten friend.

You were hurting,
and you turned to me,
and I wasn't there.

I was so busy trying
to have a good time.

Would you give me a chance
to start over?

Oh, for heaven's sake.
Sure. Of course.

Leo, how you feeling?

To tell you the truth,
I'm feeling pretty good.

As a matter of fact,
I was sitting here

thinking about asking
that woman out.

The one over there
by the window.

Or maybe the one
right over there.

Or maybe even one of
the waitresses, huh? Ha ha.

Which one?
The blonde or the brunette?

The blonde.

She's married
with two kids.

You're better off
with the brunette.

She's got a boyfriend,
but he's in the navy,

and he shipped out today.

She also has a butterfly tattoo
on her upper thigh.

Zane, you truly are
Mr. Stud, you know?

Yeah, but now
I got competition.

That's right.

(laughs)

(woman)
I know, Omar.
You use a whisk.

You've told me
10,000 times.

(Omar)
You don't understand...

Hey, did you hear that?

What?
That voice.

It can't be.

(Omar)
Extra-large or jumbo.

(woman)
Can't you talk about
anything else but eggs?

Why? Eggs are my life.

Okay, okay. Now, let's
go over the filling.

I don't want to go
over the filling.

I don't care about
the filling.

You can fill it with
garbage for all I care.

Look, Omar, I don't know what
came over me a week ago.

I must have lost my mind
or something.

But it's back now, and I'm
afraid I have to be going.

Good-bye, Omar.
I'm sorry.

(Omar)
We never even talked
sunny side up!

Whoa. That was
beyond spooky.

You can stop her,
you know.

You can patch everything up
the way it was, right now.

I know.

Well?

Did you happen to catch
the name of the waitress?

(bell ringing)

What are you writing
there, Marty?

My report to Wainwright.
I'm listing your infractions.

Wow. I guess it was
quite a trip.

I'm still in London.

I gotta hand it
to you, Marty.

You are the ultimate
company man.

After all
we've been through,

the only thing on
your mind is your job.

Hardly.

(sighs)

I've got something else
on my mind, Mo,

and you're not
gonna like it,

because it's Hana.

I think about her
every minute I'm awake.

What about your wedding

that takes place in
about three hours?

See, that is the conflict.

In other words,
you're confused.

Totally.

You see, on the one hand,
there's Hana,

the most special person
I've ever met.

And on the other hand?

Well, I marry Randi,

work for Wainwright,

I'm fabulously wealthy,

and for the rest of my life,
I eat poo.

Well, you do seem to have
a grasp on the situation.

Well, Mo, your specialty
is helping people.

What should I do?

This is something
you're gonna have to
work out by yourself.

However, I, uh...

maybe could give you
a couple of visual aids.

Uh, this money
will represent Randi

and your guaranteed
financial future.

Now, what should
we have for-- Oh.

How about
a picture of Hana?

Now, we're talking about
your future here, son,

so don't rush.

Take a couple minutes.

Just be sure and give me
one of those back.

**

(thinking)
Oh! Oh, Hana!

Oh, you look so lovely.

Where have I seen
that dress?

The drapes? How clever!

Uhh! Randi!
Coming Randi!

Oh! Yes! Yes, sir!

Yes, sir! Coming, sir!
I'll do anything you want!

I'll be anything
you want!

I'm here to please!
Yes, just don't yell!

Don't yell!
Just don't yell!

Stop the bus.

I said stop the bus!

I said stop the bus.

I'll take it from here.

(brakes hissing)

You got it.

I don't want the hat.

I don't want the hat.

You drive my bus,
you wear the hat.

(sighs)

**

("The Blue Danube" playing)

Hi.

3:00. I knew it.
He's late.

Daddy, I already
talked to him.

I straightened
the whole thing out.

He's gonna be here
any minute.

He'd better be,
and he'd better have

Mo Wyshocki's head
on a plate.

Can't we talk about business
after the wedding?

No, because if he hasn't
done what I told him,

there's not gonna be
any wedding.

Daddy, you're making me
really nervous!
You're nervous?

Do you realize
what this thing costs?

$2,5000 a plate.

And look at Rainier wolfing
down the hors d'oeuvres there.

What is he, hollow?

Hey!

Save some for
the other 3,000 guests!

* Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily *

* Life is but a dream *

(singing continues)

* Row, row,
row your boat *

* Gently down the stream *

* Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily *

Mo?
Yeah, Marty.

The gas pedal's stuck.

Well, it does that
every once in a while

It'll pop back up again.

The last time it popped up
was two hours ago in Antwerp.

Well, hit your brake.

They've been dead
since Flanders.

(Mo)
Uh-huh.

(hissing)

(tires screech)

Anybody know
The Lord's Prayer?

(horn honking)
Daddy.

I think I hear the bus.

("The Blue Danube" playing)

"Here Comes the Bride."
Hit it, boys.

(playing "Here Comes
the Bride"

(horn honking)

(horn honking)

(honking continues)

What the hell's he doing?

(indistinct murmuring)

(gasps)

Aah!

Aaaggghh!

Uhh!
Uhh!

(horn blaring)

(strings playing)

Aah!

Uhh!

(man)
Everybody all right
in there?

(all talking)

You have ruined
everything!

This is so humiliating!

You stupid clown!
Look what you've done!

You better have the goods
on Wyshocki.

I've got them
all right here.

116 pages of infractions,
single-spaced.

Fine. I knew you could
do it, son!

Let me have it.

What are you doing?

(cheering)

This is one of the worst
days of my entire life!

And I'm sorry, Randi,

but I just can't see
marrying someone

who won't kiss on the lips.

(crying)
I wish I were dead!

(crying)

Don't cry,
my fluffy one.

I made you my special
sad omelet with blue cheese.

Here.

That is delicious.

I have never tasted anything
like that in my life.

The secret is in...

how you whip
your eggs, eh?

I'd like to learn
a little more about that.

What did you say
your name was?

Omar.
Omar Gregorich, hmm?

In case anybody's
interested, I quit!

(cheering)

Thanks, Mo,
for all your help.

Oh, by the way,

here's your money back.

Oh. Uh...

I'd also like to have
the picture back, too.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You're too late.

I'm gonna have it blown up
into a poster.

(Mo)
Last stop.
Last stop.

(all talking)

Good luck to you, guys.

Hey, study hard.

All right, bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, Leo! Leo!

Tell my mother
to send me some money.

And don't forget,
more clothes.

Thanks.

(chatting, indistinct)

Bye!
Bye!

What are you guys
doing here?

You're gonna
miss your plane.

We're not going.

You're not--

No, we're getting married,

and we're gonna backpack
all over Europe.

Well, I wish you
a lot of luck.

I really mean it.
Yeah, me, too.

We don't need luck.
We've got each other.

You two are the ones
who need luck.

(all talking)

Bye, Mo.

Have a great time.
Okay.

Hi!

(laughs)
My goodness!

Did you miss us?

Well, yeah, but we have
been kind of busy.

Yeah.
Well, that's too bad,

'cause you missed
the good stuff.

Well, listen, if you're ever
in Youngstown, Ohio,

you give us a ring, and we'll
give you a grand tour.

Bye-bye now!
Bye-bye!

I sure will.
We'll see you.

Thank you a lot. Bye.

Are you really
gonna do that?

Are you kidding?
Bye!

(laughs)
Bye!

(laughs)

What's funny, the way
I stir my coffee?

No, no, I was just thinking
about my predicament.

I don't have a pot
to plant my potatoes in,

but I've never felt happier
in all my life.

It's senility, Marty,

or maybe you bumped
your head in the crash.

Anyway, I always say just
when things get the bleakest,

something good
is always gonna happen.

Except now.
Selsky.

Get everything sharp
and hot off the table.

Hello, gentlemen.
How you doing?

Mr. Selsky, what are
you still doing here?

Well, I have something to
confess to both of you,

and I have to do it quickly
before my plane leaves.

First of all, my name
is not Andrew Selsky.

It's Larry Lipsky.

Of the Lipsky Tours?

The very same.

My brother and I
run the operation.

I came on this tour
because of you, Mo.

I heard you were the best,

and I wanted to see
how you do it.

After one day, I was so
impressed,

I convinced my brother
we had to have you.

Now, we're branching out
into the States,

and we want you to be
our number one driver
and tour guide.

Well, that's very
flattering, Mr. Lipsky,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to decline.

You see, Marty and I
have decided to throw
in with each other.

We are?
Yeah.

We're gonna buy a small van
and start our own company.

Well, of course, this offer
is extended to both of you.

Oh, well, I don't know.

That's something we'd
have to talk about.

We'll take it, partner.

Welcome aboard.
We'll be in touch.

Mr. Selsky-- Lipsky, um...

all that tripping
and falling...

Just an act.
Part of my cover.

I used it to keep you
off my scent.

Well, I'll call you
from New York.

What a surprise, huh?

Yeah. It's great.

You know, he almost
ruined my surprise,

but not quite.

Hi, Marty.

**

**