If I Had a Million (1932) - full transcript

Tycoon John Glidden, dying though still vigorous, is so dissatisfied with his relatives and associates that, rather than will his money to any of them, he decides to give it away in million-dollar amounts to strangers picked from the city directory. He picks a meek china salesman; a prostitute; a forger; two ex-vaudevilleans who hate road hogs; a condemned man; a mild-mannered clerk; a boisterous marine; and an oppressed inmate of an old ladies' home.

I'm afraid we can't do anything today.
We're all upset. Mr Glidden, you know?

- Yeah, what's the latest report on him?
- He may die any moment.

I understand he's leaving his business
to his employees.

Where did you hear that?
Who told you? Did you get it straight?

Listen, uh...

It would be impossible for us
to make a decision in this.

Mr Glidden
always takes care of these things.

Oh, I see. You really think
he'll do something for you?

Huh? Oh, no.

I wouldn't dare drop any kind of a hint
or the old boy would cut me off.

No, I think dignified silence is best.

Just pretend I'm worried about him,
not thinking about the money.

Doctor, is Mr Glidden any better?

Well, his temperature's all right,
but his temper's terrible. I think...

- What? Again?
- Again.

- We drew his last will just two hours ago.
- What a man.

I don't wish him hard luck,
but if he is dying...

You wish he'd die
and be done with it?

Well, he's waiting for you.


Don't talk to me
about my employees.


Idiots. Fools.

Not a business head
in the lot of them.

Bankrupt the whole business in a year.

Stupid cowards. No brains, no nerves.
Just a lot of sheep who do what I tell 'em.

When I'm not here to tell them,

they'll make a meal
for the first wolf that finds them.

- He's been going on like that for hours.
- Out of his head?

Who's out of whose head?!

Who said that I...
Where's my glasses?

Hey, you couldn't find a dumbbell...

- Now, Mr Glidden.
- "Now, Mr Glidden."

Shut up! I wish I was out of my head!
Then I wouldn't have the sense to worry.

No, Mr Glidden. There's nothing
to worry about. After all, things are...

Nothing to worry about?

I'm dying and I don't know of one man
in all the thousands that I employ

that's fit to leave in charge
of a peanut stand.

I wouldn't say that.
Your last will...

- My last will's no good!
- Mr Gli...

- You can't...
- I forbid you.

Oh, shut up, all of you!
Get away from me!

What do you know about a will anyhow?
You're only a lawyer.

Now, Mr Glidden,
you shouldn't exert yourself this way.

"Now, Mr Glidden."
I'm up, aren't I?

I walk.
Every time you leave the room, I walk.

I walked over there
just a little bit ago.

Nobody's gonna tell
John Glidden what to do.

What if it does kill me?
I'm gonna die anyhow.

Today, tomorrow,
what's the difference?

Now, just a moment
and I'll fix you up a...

Yes, I know what you'll fix me.

Ten drops
of the most marvellous sedative

ever discovered
by the medical profession.

Ten drops. One of these days
I'm gonna take 11 drops!

Or nine! And see what happens.
I don't want to be fixed, anyhow.

What I want to know is
who's going to take my place when I'm gone?

Well, if you're not satisfied
with your business associates,

perhaps you'd like to make
a more generous bequest to your relatives.

Ha! Relatives!

Did you see 'em
roosting down there like a lot of vultures

waiting for an old steer to die?

Relatives! It's the first time in my life
I saw them all together.

Relatives! Ha!

- Mr Glidden, you can't go out in the hall.
- I can't?

I've been out twice already
this morning. Yes.

And if the sight of those greedy
penny pinchers didn't kill me, well...

- Come on.
- Mr Glidden.

- Shut up, you quack!
- Well, I...

Look at 'em.
My relatives.

Pick out just one for me.

Pick out just one man, woman or child
that's fit to pick up where I leave off.

I'll be glad when you're dead,
you rascal, you

I'll be glad when you're dead,
you rascal

Johnny! Oh!

There. That kid's
the only honest one of the lot.


For two cents,
I'd leave him my entire for...

No. I don't like
the shape of his head.


No matter how I distribute my money
among them, they'll all be miserable.

Those that don't get anything
will be crying the rest of their lives.

Those that get plenty
will holler for more.

I wish I could collect
all of my money together in one pile

and burn every dollar of it.

- Mr Glidden!
- I do.

- Now, now.
- I do!

You don't really mean that,
Mr Glidden.

I do mean it, friend.
Every word of it.

I spent my whole life
building up a business,

amassing a fortune.

Now my life's coming to a close.

I want this business and this money
that I leave behind to mean something.

I want to give somebody
a chance for happiness. I don't care who.

I just want somebody
to have something worthwhile

out of what I spent my life
to accumulate.

That's my major dying desire.

And for the soul of me,
I don't know how to gratify it.

No. No, Mr Phelps,
we haven't placed an order yet.

Indeed, I'd be glad to see your firm is
considered, just as soon as Mr Glidden...

- Mr Glidden what?
- Why, uh, um... Mr Glidden, it was only...

Don't you lie to me.
I know!

You were talking to that Phelps,
that old tombstone peddler.

Well, don't you buy one of his tombstones
to put over me.

If you do, I'll come back and haunt him!
And you, too!

- Oh, if I could only get him to be quiet.
- How long do you think he has?

Ha-ha! I've got it!

- I've got it! Get me the city directory.
- Huh?

You heard!
The city directory.

I'll show those vultures.

Now what's he up to?


Why don't you ask me
what I'm going to do? You needn't bother.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to leave my money to strangers -
people I've never heard of,

people that don't expect it.
They may get some pleasure out of it.

- Open that book.
- You can't do that, Mr Glidden.

- Why can't I?
- Well, the relatives would break the will.

- Relatives?
- They would.

- I agree.
- That's right.

Oh, they would, would they?
How long am I going to live?

Why, Mr Glidden,
I can't tell you that exactly.

Well, I can tell you exactly!

I'm gonna live just long enough
to go out and give my money away myself.

Yes, sir!
To people I've never heard of.

Give me that doodah -
that medicine dropper - and fill it.

At last,
I've found a use for that thing.

Give me that book.

The first name that this drop falls on
is gonna get one million dollars.

What's that name?

- "John D Rockefeller."
- What?

Hold that book over here.


Two. Nobody can tell John Glidden
how he's gonna spend his money.

This is one of the nicest
we have in the store. I'm sure you'll like it.

Oh, I'm sorry,
but that isn't what I want at all.

Come, Pearl.

Good day.

One shopper held me up for two
hours, without a bit of encouragement.

- Well, I had two dandy orders.
- However, it's payday.

Oh, my!

- Cover that Lalique before you go.
- Very well, sir.

- Uh, Mr Bullwinkle.
- Hello, Peabody.

Mr Bullwinkle, sir, they took 11 dollars
and 60 cents out of my pay this week.

Well, we can't let you break all the china
you want without charging you.

- You should be more careful, Peabody.
- Yes, I am careful. It isn't always my fault.

It's an awful job carrying china all the time,
especially up and down the stairs.

I think I belong back in book-keeping,
where I was.

You were delighted when we promoted
you. The $5 raise, you forget that?

Yes, I know, but breaking china
all the time, I'm really making less money.

- That's organisation, Peabody.
- Couldn't I get back into the books?

Sorry, but we're full up.
However, if you're completely unhappy...

No, no, Mr Bullwinkle, I wouldn't...
I couldn't quit.

My wife would raise... I guess it'll be all
right. I'll have to be a little more careful.

Fine. Remember, Peabody, there's many
a slip between the cup and the counter.

Yes, sir.

Oh, my!

- Is that you, Henry, darling?
- I think so.

Did you have a nice day?
Did anything interesting happen?

You didn't break any more china, did you?
That reminds me, this is payday.

So give me your cheque.

Henry, you've been feeding that rabbit
again. Give me your cheque.

That's a darling. I think it's wonderful. I
was telling Mrs Wilkins just this afternoon.

I think it's perfectly wonderful,
the steady position with a steady income,

day after day, week after week,
year in and year out, rain or shine.

It's perfectly marvellous.

You've no idea the security it gives a woman
to know she has a husband

who's coming home to her
every week with his...

Henry, you broke 11 dollars
and 60 cents worth of china.

- Well, you see, dear...
- I see a great deal more than you see.

Of course,
you haven't got the worries that I have.

You don't sit here day after day, paying
the iceman for milk, the milkman for ice.

Of course, if you want to go on breaking
china, that's entirely your own affair.

Excuse me.

I think it's perfectly ridiculous the way Mrs
Wilkins always boasts about her husband.

I say, "My husband's just as good,
even if you don't think so."

You've no idea
how I have to defend you to our friends.

I understand you cannot help
breaking all that china,

but they think it's rather queer
for a husband and father

to go on day after day,
night after night, year in and year out...

Henry, is anything the matter?

Say what you like, but there is such
a thing as pride in your own daughter.

She writes that she's happy,
but I can read between the lines.

A woman understands things
that a man never can.

Unless a girl is well-dressed,

she hasn't much chance
of marrying anyone worthwhile.

I was the best-dressed girl
when you married me.

Not that I'm complaining, but if you don't
stop being careless and breaking china,

there won't be much chance for her
to have the clothes every girl ought to.

Isn't that so, Henry?
Henry, are you listening to me?

Henry. Henry!

Now, I know you're trying,
but you're sure to drop this vase

which is worth six months of your pay,

Oh, my!

Now, Henry, I don't want to reproach you,
but I want to make you feel like a dirty rat.

Polly wants a cracker and I want your
cheque, darling. Give me your cheque.

Stop it! Stop it!
Isn't it difficult enough as it is?

Don't you see I'm helping you, Henry?

I told you I'd do it.

I told you I'd...

But of course, Henry,
if you want to make a fool of yourself,

I'm not one to whimper and cry.

And if you can't think
of your home and your daughter...

Goodbye, Henry dear.
I'm so proud of you.

I was telling Mrs Wilkins how wonderful it is
to have a husband like Henry Peabody.

A man who, day after day
and week after week...

Goodbye, dear.

- Mr Henry Peabody?
- Yes, sir.

My name's John Glidden.
I want to talk to you.

Well, uh...

If it's about the payment on the piano,
I can explain.

- But I...
- Uh...

Let's get away from the house.

I... I have a very good reason.

Uh, look, do you like rabbits?

Not much. Why?

Well, this is how it happened.

My wife gave me the $12
for the payment on the piano

and I knew where I could buy
a very fine pedigree rabbit for $12.

If you loved rabbits the way I do,
you'd know how I felt.

My business with you has nothing
whatever to do with rabbits or pianos.

I have something here...

11:10, indeed.
Who does he think he is?

When Peabody comes in,
send him to me.

Very good, sir.

- What?
- Look, it's...

You wait there, Theodore.

- Good morning.
- What the...? Peabody, you'll pay for that!

OK, Winky.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

- Charlie, keep track of everything.
- Smithers, call the police!

Yes, go ahead.
Call them all, call them all.

Oh, my soul!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- I was told I'd probably find her here.
- Yup, here's where she hangs out.

Well, you can never tell
by looking at a guy, can you?

There she is, mister.

In the flesh.

Thank you.

- Are you Violet Smith?
- What about it?

- I want to talk to you.
- Talk? You wanna talk to me?

Isn't there someplace we can go?
Someplace where we can be alone?

I get it.

No, no! No!

No, it's nice down here.
We'll stay down here.

It's all right by me, mister.

There's a vacant booth over there.

The letter is in case
you have trouble with the cheque.

All right, wise guy.
What's the gag?

- There is no gag, I assure you.
- Don't give me that.

How would you like me
to call a cop?

My dear girl, you can call as many cops
as you like. That's perfectly legitimate.

I can't get it through my dome.
You mean that I...

In case you need me,
my number's on the letterhead.

Well, hello there, baby!

Well, come here.

Show Miss Smith to 1519.

- Are you sure it's the best in the house?
- We have none better.

- Are you Mr Sheldon's chauffeur?
- Yeah.

- I thought he had a coloured boy.
- He did, but he fired him.

Too much moonshine, I guess.

Pardon me just a moment.

- Mr Monroe.
- Yes?

What about this?
Shall I pay it?

If it isn't the work of that forger we've been
warned about, I'm crazy. Look at that n.

You're right.
It's a false cheque.

There he goes, Mike!

Come in.

- Are you Eddie Jackson?
- Who wants to know?

I do. I've been trying
to get in touch with you all day.

It looks like him, all right.

Only he was in a chauffeur's uniform
and didn't have a moustache.

Well, is he the guy or ain't he?

The identification has to be positive,
you know.

- I'm positive. He's the guy, all right.
- Great. He'll go up for life if we catch him.

- Life? For forgery?
- Sure. It's his fourth offence.

Sure it means life.
Locked up as long as he lives.

Yes, it's absolutely all yours.

Can I do what I want with it?

You can spend it exactly as you please,
young man.

When can I get cash on this?
I gotta blow town and I'm in a spot.

- Cash?
- Yes, I gotta have it.

It's my dough, ain't it?

Why do you need so much cash?

I need it, that's all.
And where can I get it?

- Aren't you known at any banks?
- Plenty.

I'll take care of that. You'll have to
excuse me now, Pop. I gotta work fast.

- Good luck.
- Thanks. I'll need it.

And thanks a million times.

All of it? I'm afraid that's impossible,
Mr Jackson. No bank has that much cash.

Oh, of course.
Well... well, could I have part of it?

- How much would you like?
- Would 100,000 be too much?

Well, I'll have to see about it,
Mr Jackson.

If you'll kindly endorse this,
I'll see what I can do about it.

Forger! Forger!

Bank forger!
Extra! Bank forger escapes!

- Paper, mister?
- Yeah.

- Gimme all of them.
- All of 'em?

- Yeah, come on.
- Gee, thanks!

Now scram.

Just a moment, Mr Jackson.

Mr Galloway. I want to congratulate you
on your good fortune.

I'm sorry.

Oh, thanks.

Mr Bolan tells me you'd like some cash -
a rather considerable amount.

I was planning quite an extensive trip.

I see.
But that's a lot of money, you know?

However, if you wait in my office,
I'll see if it can be arranged.

I'd rather wait here.
You see, I was expecting Mrs Jackson.

Just as you say.

Read all about the bank forger.

Paper, sir?



You think I'm a fool?
I wouldn't cash a cheque for $10 for you.

It's on the level.
The whole thing is yours for 50 grand.

Just because I need dough
and I can't cash it myself.

I've read the newspapers
and you're hot - hot as a stove.

You figured out this little scheme
to get some quick dough.

You'll have to try it on somebody else,
Eddie. I hope you find the right sucker.

- Where's Mike?
- In the office.

Who do you think you're talking to?
A child?

It's on the level - a certified cheque.

No cheque you ever have is certified.

I'm going off my nut.
The cops have got a plant on my place.

I'm walking around without a dime,
with this!

I can't even buy a cup of coffee.
I'm going crazy.

Give me ten grand, enough to blow out of
town. Or five. Or a grand for the million.


Say, if you're so convinced that cheque's
good, why don't you go to Glidden?

Tell him your troubles.

- Yes?
- I wanna see Mr Glidden.

- Mr Glidden has gone to bed.
- I gotta see him. He gave me money.

- I'm sorry, sir.
- It's a matter of life or death.

He gave me the cheque, only
could you tell him to make it out in cash?

That's fair enough, isn't it?
You gotta ask him, I tell you!

Mr Glidden's cheques are always good.
You can go to any bank in the city.

Now, get out or I'll call the police.

Thank you, ma'am.

- I wonder what's the matter with him?
- I don't know, lady.

How are you?

Hey, how about the dime first?

I haven't got it now,
but I'll get it.

You can't flop around here without dough.
This ain't no mission. Outside.

No! No, I can't go out there.
I gotta sleep, I tell you!

Here! Take this. It's a million bucks.
You can keep it till I pay you.

Let me sleep, will you?

A million bucks, all right.

Yeah, sure.
You can stay.

- All night?
- Yeah, sure.

I got something out of it!

That's right.

It's always good
and I can cash it at any bank!


This is Murphy's flophouse.

Say, you better send
a couple of cops down here.

There's a guy here who's off his nut.
He just gave me a million dollars for a bed.

- Agnes.
- Oh, Emily! Oh!

You sounded the same over the telephone
and you look the same in the flesh.

- You've lost a little weight.
- No. No, darling.

Pound or two maybe, just here and there.
Gee, I'm glad to see you.

I'm very happy, Agnes, and I'm doing fine.
Come on, sit down.

There ain't much more
to what I told you.

I've been doing five a day,
day in and day out.

When was it we played together last?
Was it Wilkes-Barre in '23?

'24, my dear.
I shan't forget that year.

It was the winter
Rollo had that bad cold.

Why, I had him in mustard and vinegar
for two months.

I remember that egg. He was the juggler.
You sure were lucky to lose him.

I didn't lose him. Rollo is here with me now -
partner in this tearoom.

Oh, and, gee,
it's a swell tearoom, too.

It's been wonderful having this place
for our own to settle down in.

You know, Agnes,
after 30 years of it -

one-night stands
and split weeks -

that's about all you ever dream of,
a place of your own.

- You're telling me.
- I've got everything I ever dreamt of.

Excepting one thing.

And that's on its way.

It's here!
It's here! Rollo!

- Did you chirp for me, my little wren?
- Rollo, it's here! It's here!

It's here.
A thing of beauty, my dove.

- A beauty second only to your own.
- Oh, Rollo! Let's go and look at it.

Excuse me, I forgot.
You know Agnes Dupont.

- Hi, Rollo.
- Hi, Miss Dupont. Queen of the high wire.

What do you play these days?

I headline bills
they wouldn't even let a juggler on.

- Oh, Rollo, let's go look at it.
- Coming, my little chickadee.

I wish you luck.

I wish you'd remember you're not
handling cigar boxes, but an automobile.

I find it difficult at this time
to remember that you're a woman.

I wish you'd forget. I'd like nothing better
than to knock your ears into your neck.

- Goodbye, Emily.
- Bye-bye.

I suppose you forget the day
I busted you in the nose in Cincinnati?

- Rollo. Rollo, dear.
- Yes, my little glow-worm?

- Can't we go on?
- Yes, my sweets.

We'll be rolling
in half a tick now, dear.

- Here you are, my buns.
- Thank you, dear.

You're welcome, sweets.

- Are you happy, Emily?
- This is the happiest day of my life,

including the time
I stopped the show at Terre Haute.

You were inspired that day.

It was a red-letter day
in the history of bird acts.

Do you remember
what I did to them that day? 17 bows.

The manager wanted the great Rollo.

- Rollo, darling, can't we go on?
- Yes, my sweets.

- Good work, Rollo.
- Nothing really.

- Is everything all clear?
- All clear.

- Anybody hurt?
- Come on!

Get an ambulance.

Are you hurt,
my little fledgling?

- No.
- Can't we get some help?

But look at my car!

You should've let me kill him. The man
is worse than a murderer. He's a road hog.

All our lives,
we've worked and saved for this one thing,

and then this had to happen!

Road hogs -
a constant menace to society.

They should be wiped out, Emily.
Do you hear? Wiped out!

Oh, uh, here she is, sir.

- Are you Miss Emily La Rue?
- Yes.

My name is John Glidden.
I want to talk to you.

If you dare suggest, sir,

that we were in any way at fault,
I shall lay hands upon you.

I don't know what you're talking about.
My business is with Miss La Rue.

She thanks you, sir.
A thousand times, she thanks you.

Would you mind telling me, now you have
money, what you're going to do with it?

- Not that you have to, but...
- It's yours, my sweet.

You must use it
to gratify your every whim.

Oh, but half of this money is yours, Rollo.
What do you want?

Nothing, my little bird.

There is something
I would like to do,

something I would like to do right now
above everything else in the world.

- Rollo.
- At your side, my beauty.

- Come.
- Yes, my sweets. Where?


- Will it run?
- Oh, perfectly.

- We'll take it.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Now, show us another.
- Yes, ma'am. Right this way.

Now, here's the best buy on the lot.

A fine-looking jalopy.
Looks like a cement mixer.

- We'll take that one, too.
- Yes, ma'am.

Can you furnish us
with some strong, brave drivers?

- Yes, sir. On a minute's notice.
- Splendid.


See any road hogs,
my little fledgling?

Not yet.

Rollo! Beaver!

How did you like that,
you great snorting road hog?

Nice work, Rollo.

Here you are,
my little penguin.

Be careful, dear.

There you are, my sweets.
Put it right in there. Thank you.

- Thank you, Rollo.
- There you are.

Onward, my men!


Get him, Rollo!

Rollo! Rollo.

- Coming up, my dear.
- Are you hurt?

No, my little sweet potato.

Well, come on, the day is young.
We haven't finished yet.

Beaver! Get him, Rollo!

Rollo, that was a peach!

Thank you, my dear.

We shall carry on until sundown.

Perhaps you'll move over the next time,
you road hog.

Look what you did to my car!

Boys, you've been very good.
Very patient.

Much obliged to you.
Rollo, pay the chaps off.

Yes, my love.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Thanks.
- Good luck. Same to you.

- Thank you.
- Good luck.

- Thanks, boss.
- Good luck.

- Rollo.
- Yes, my dear? Another beaver?

- No, no. Look.
- Why not?

You can afford a new one
every day for years.

Everything clear,
my little chickadee?

All clear.

Oh, gracious!

- Are you hurt, dear?
- No, dear.

But, oh, Rollo,
look at your hat.

Yes, my sweet.
I must have it reblocked.

Oh, Rollo!

It's been a glorious day!

Yes, it has, my little mud tur...
uh, turtle dove.

And graciously remit the guilt
of my past offences.

And graciously...

Why all this?

Why don't you stop them
from killing me instead?

I don't want my soul saved.
I wanna live!

- Wallace, listen.
- Make them listen.

Ask them why
they're sending me to the chair.

Make the district attorney listen.

His soul needs saving.
He's a murderer, not me.

- Only one thing can help you now.
- A good lawyer, you mean?

He could've helped me.

I'm going to be killed because
I didn't have money for a good lawyer.

Did you ever hear that before?

I never handled a gun before.
They knew that.

I wasn't thinking
what a hold-up meant.

You can't think
when you're hungry.

Open her up.

Come out.

- What is it?
- Your wife's here.


No, I can't see her.
What did she come for?

You asked for her.
The warden got her special.

- Yeah.
- This is the toughest deathwatch I've had.

What can I tell her, Father? What can I
tell her so she'll want to go on living?

Then talk about living.



But I wanna tell her I love her,

and I'll break up if I do that.

- What if I start to blubber?
- Well, just try hard, Wallace.

What's the good word, Mary?

John, dearest.
He's been here, hasn't he? The lawyer?

Landlady still hounding you?
The old hag.

- He has been here, hasn't he?
- Sure.

Now, keep the flat warm, kid.
Chilly place gives anybody the creeps.

Keep the gas going. There'll be money
for that, too. That's the last thing to save on.

John, he said it'd be all right,
didn't he?

Sure. And don't be
saving on food, either.

- He told you not to worry, not even now.
- Sure.

Listen. No picking up scraps or tossing off
a sandwich and getting run down, see?

- I don't like you that way.
- Cos I wouldn't know what to do, John.

- I told you it'd be all right, didn't I?
- But I couldn't stand it.

You won't have to, I said.

John, I'd never be able to forget.

Now, Mary, look here.

Let me out of here!
Let me out!

This money gives me no right
to delay execution.

- It's needless torture to tell him anything.
- Wait a minute. Has he any family?

- A wife.
- Then he has a right to see this money.

Not at all. Why can't you give it to her
yourself without his seeing?

Because it would be a great comfort to him
to know he was leaving it to her,

to know that
she was being taken care of.

- That's his right, don't you think so?
- I don't know.

What's it about?

Hey, Warden!
You can't kill me now, do you hear?

You can't kill me now!

A million, tell him.
And it's mine.

- There it is. A million dollars. I can live!
- He's got a shot in his arm!

Put it in a good bank where you're going -
a bank that's fireproof.

Take me to the warden, will you?
I gotta see him.

They can't put me through now.
I'll get a new trial and I'll get out.

Come on, take me to him.

What for?

What are you doing?
The warden's coming here, ain't he?

Well, he is, ain't he?

What are you doing this for? Hey, tell
the warden not to let Mary go away, will you?

I wanna see her again.
I wanna tell her myself.

I wanna see her face when I say,
"We're all right now, kid."

"Didn't I tell you
we'd be all right?"

Hey, you can't do that.
I'm not going to burn.

Didn't you hear what I told you? You think
I'm gonna walk out with my head shaved?

- You don't have to if you don't want to.
- Come on.

Where to?
You mean the warden, huh?

- I'm gonna get the warden, huh?
- You'll see him.

It's a new deal for me.
The right lawyer. I can pay for him now.

He can have it all if he wants it.
Mary would say so, too.

What are you doing?
I wanna go to the warden, not in there!

It's a million, I'm telling you!
I'm yelling it at you and you won't listen to me!

It's a million!

You can't do it now!

No! You can't do it now!

No! You can't do it!

Come in.

Mr Brown?


In the guardhouse again?
You get no sympathy from me.

You can rot in there,
you double-crossing mouse.

It ain't enough that you
sneak a date with Marie. No.

You have to swipe every dollar
me and Gallagher has behind our backs.

- You'd have blown it on a dame anyway.
- Us blowing it and you blowing it is different.

Socking a sergeant just because he tried
to take your dame. A fine marine you are.

Well, he insulted Marie, that's why.
Gee, he called her "a soldier's plaything".

- Get wise, you sap. Get wise.
- Yeah, get wise to yourself, Mulligan.

A guy like me
could handle 50 of your kind and love it.

What's the use of having
a swell guardhouse like this and nobody in it?

Besides, I've got to create discipline.
Ain't that right?

- No, no.
- Yeah, it's the only thing. I always say it.

- You shouldn't have called her a plaything.
- Shut up!

- Are you going our way?
- I'm going this way.

What a coincidence!
That's the way we're heading.

The kid's all wrong.

He should know no tramp
can get away with socking a sergeant.

- Not in a million years.
- Suicide, that's what it is.

- Shooting 80,000 bucks.
- I'll take 40,000 of that.

You know, I wanna thank you
for socking the sergeant.

It makes a fella's heart feel good
to know he's got pals...

Stop. You're turning my stomach.
Do you wanna cover the other 40,000 or not?

- Yeah, keep your tears off them IOUs.
- I got it. 40,000. Shoot.


That makes 360,000 bucks
you guys owe me.

- Shooting 40,000.
- I'll take 20.

I got 20.

You're not supposed to,
but if the captain says it's OK...

It's quite important that I see this man.
I've had very great difficulty locating him.

If it was real money, I'd hire you as butlers
and make you work it out.

That's life in the marines.
I'll take the whole works.

- Mr Gallagher?
- Yeah, I'm Gallagher.

- 45,000.
- 45,000? I got that.

Mr Gallagher, my name is John Glidden.
I have something here for you.

- What is it?
- A million dollars.

A million bucks, huh?

Scram, Pappy.
This is a guardhouse, not a nuthouse.

- Come on. Eight.
- I can well understand your surprise.

But it's my own personal cheque
for a million dollars.

Listen, you're interrupting
an important crap game.

- Go on, beat it.
- You have a right to know...

Go away, you're bothering us. You better
go and get Henry Ford and we'll have tea.

How can he?
He's Henry Ford.

Well, of all the impertinence
I ever heard in my life!

- Outside, old-timer.
- Wait just a minute! I want to explain.

This is a fine state of affairs!
A fella can't enjoy a quiet crap game.

If anybody else calls for me today,
I'm out.

The man's a lunatic!

I suppose you dopes thought
I was dumb enough to fall for that gag?

- You are.
- Mm-hm.

If you'd picked a guy who looked like
a millionaire, I still wouldn't have believed it.

In second place, a smart guy
don't play April fools jokes on April 1.

He waits until July
when nobody's expecting it.

- We're all crazy.
- Coming out for the million.

- I'll take 500,000.
- I got the rest of that. Go on, you play it.


- Oh!
- Eight.

- I've got an order for your release, jailbirds.
- Where do you get that "jailbirds"?

Out my way, boy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Where was you guys brought up?

You can't leave this place
messed up like this.

- Get that play money outta here.
- Don't you want two million?

I could write a billion
of this kind of dough.

Come on.
Take it, take it.

Well, keep in touch with us.

Fresh air smells terrible, don't it?
What are you gonna do?

Dash off a letter to my mother
and thank her for that chocolate cake you ate.

What? Me? I think I'll get a little sleep.
How about you, Mulligan?

I just happened to remember,
I put in for some blues. I'll get them.

- I'll be seeing you.
- Right.

- Right.
- Right.

How about the carnival for tonight
for just you and me, huh?

- You got any dough?
- Well, uh...

No dough, no carnival.

So this is the way you write letters to
your old mother? You ought to be ashamed.

- You look hot in those new blues.
- I won't answer that.

what's he trying to get you to do?

- You want to take me to the carnival?
- Yeah, that's a date.

You got any dough?

- Well, a fella down the line...
- Ah. No dough, no carnival.

Oh. I thought you birds
was writing and dressing.

I see you're walking in your sleep again.

You two shouldn't try to double-cross
each other. It always shows in your eyes.

- You got dough to take me to the carnival?
- I can raise it.

No dough, no carnival.
I guess I'll go with the sergeant.

Zeb, we've come to the conclusion
that maybe you could advance us a couple...

How about some dough
from you fellas?

We were gonna ask you
to lend us a couple of dollars on account.

On account of what?

On account of Marie
wants to go to the carnival.

How much do we owe?


It reckons up to four dollars and 50 cents.
That's for the three of you.

- How do you know? You can't read.
- But I make marks nobody else can read.

- We gotta pay cash for our hamburgers?
- Yep.

Listen, I'd gladly pay you Tuesday
for a hamburger today.

No money, no hamburger.

Wait a minute. You got us all wrong, Zeb.
We're the kind of guys that pay our bills.

And I'm the kind that has dough
when he takes a girl to the carnival.

- Cheque? How much for?
- Why, uh... ten bucks.

- Sure, ten bucks.
- Ten bucks even.


It's all right, Zeb.
It's for ten bucks.

- Is it good?
- It's as good as Confederate money.


The carnival, honey.

You and me,
we'll blow the rest of this cheque.

Now you're talking like the sergeant.


- So we're all going to the carnival?
- No, we're not "all". Marie and me.

- Wait. Whose gal do you think she is?
- Mine. Marie and me is going alone.

- It's half our dough. We helped you.
- You and me is going to the carnival!

What are you yelling for?

- It's a great life, ain't it?
- Uh-huh.

- Good morning.
- How do you do?

- Where from did you guys come from?
- My goodness, what awful grammar.

- Will you guys scram?
- Wonderful night, Mulligan.

Yes, it is.
Yes, indeedy. Yes, indeedy.

How about a little baseball, buddy?
Four balls for a dime.

I wanna play baseball!

- Baseball's right down my alley.
- Mine, too.

You can throw all the balls you want.

Step right up, folks,
and see the little lady win a prize.

Look, honey, like this.

Ah, you missed!

"Yeah, honey, like this."

- The pride of the Marine Corps.
- Smack my face.

Oh, look at 'em!
They missed every one of them!

Say, who's paying for these?

Mr Gallagher, the gentlemen on the end,
is the moneyed man.

Get this straight,
I'm paying for the lady and myself.

I never saw these two mugs before
in my life.

- There's a pal for you.
- Have you got any money?

No, sir. I gave my last $50
to the blind man at the corner.

- Let's see some cash.
- You show us some.

Smart guy, eh?
Hey, Mike. Joe.

You guys were figuring
to gyp me out of some dough?

No, we wasn't.
We just ain't got no money, that's all.

But you threw some balls,
didn't you?

Yeah, but we didn't hit anything.

You marines are so tough, ain't you?

I don't like men to paw me.

A kiss for Cinderella.

Hey! Hey!

A fight! Take 'em boys!

Here, honey.
Go buy yourself a soda. I'll be back.

Don't you get ashamed of yourself,
always getting me and O'Brien in trouble?

Yeah, always socking somebody.
You're a worse influence on me than women.

I wouldn't be surprised
if we got the electric chair.

Yeah, I guess I'm just a bad guy.

But then,
maybe it ain't all my fault.

Maybe you got something to do with
me getting in trouble.

- There's a pal for you.
- Stabbing us in the back.

Look at what I'm looking at.

Come here.

Gee, I wonder where
Zeb got all the cash?

Boy, him and Marie
look like they found a million bucks.

A million bucks?

Say, I wonder if that cheque
was any good?

I think I'll go lie down.

That's Eddie.
You know, he's my oldest.

He earns 6,000 a year.

Only last week, the superintendent
sent for him and said he may be promoted.

I never had
but just the one child, you know.

It would've been different
if there'd been four or five.

Then I could've visited around,
a little while here and a little while there.

That's when me and my husband

played The Face on the Barroom Floor
in Schenectady.

There, there, dear.
Don't take it so hard.

- All of us has got to die sometime.
- Oh, it ain't that.

It's just that there ain't no more people
that I know left to die.

You see, Jim, we can move into
that house at Gainsborough.

You know? The one we talked about,
with the shutters and the cistern.

- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, Mrs Garvey.

And how is our little family circle today?
All well and cheerful, I see.

We have so much to be thankful for,
haven't we?


- Now, isn't that much better?
- Yes, Mrs Garvey. Very.

Oh. Oh, ladies, what is this?

How many times have I told you
that these coverings must be left tucked in?

When they're tucked in,
Mrs Garvey, they cramp our feet.

No, no, no.
Ella, please.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

How many times have I told you
card playing is not permitted?

It promotes ill feeling.

We never feel ill from it, Mrs Garvey.
We kind of like to...

I'm afraid we can't risk it,
Mrs Davis.

We pride ourselves
on preserving harmony here at all times.

Anything that might tend to disturb
the happy serenity of...

Heavenly days! What's that?

- Don't tell me I cannot cook!
- You can't!

- You say that to me?
- To you!

- Mrs Walker.
- That's me.

- What's the trouble?
- She wants to bake biscuits.

- Bake biscuits?
- Well, no crime, is it?

I baked biscuits for 50 years
before I came to this place.

The first batch I ever put in the oven
turned out better than anything he ever made.

- Ah!
- Mr Papadopoulos.

Yes, ma'am.

You wanted to make biscuits
because you think he can't cook?

No! I wanted to bake biscuits
because I wanted to bake biscuits.

I like to make biscuits. I made them all my life.
Why shouldn't I make them now?

Now, Mrs Walker, suppose we let
all the ladies in the home make biscuits.

Suppose you did?
You'd have a lot of good biscuits.

Now, Mrs Walker,
we've been patient with you - too patient.

- Perhaps if we'd...
- Patient? You've been patient?

Why, only yesterday,
when I brought a little kitten...

You know our rule against cats.
They're disease carriers.

Disease carriers?
Then why ain't I dead?

I've had cats all my life.

None of them ever carried any disease
where it could hop onto me.

All the other women in this house
have had lots of cats, I bet you they did.

- Now, let me tell you...
- Mrs Walker, I'm not going to argue.

This is not a penal institution,
you know.

You're free to go
any time you're dissatisfied.

Free to go. Oh, sure.

Just like that.
But where?

Back to my son and daughter-in-law
where I'd only be in the road?

Or to some furnished room or hotel
where I'd be all alone,

day after day.

Oh, I tell you, there ain't any jail
made of steel or stone

that can hold a body prisoner as tight
as one built of old age and lack of money.

"Free to go." Hmm.

You know,
I've been thinking.

If things pick up,
maybe I can get out of here

and me and Jim
can get a place again.

A little place, you know.

I know.
I know, honey.

That's what you should do.
Just like George and I did.

- The mailman.
- I always get a letter on Wednesday.

Only a letter for Mrs Walker.

May I take it?

- Oh, certainly.
- Thank you.

Mrs Walker.

Mrs Walker.

- There's a letter for you, dear.
- Oh. Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Nothing happened at home, did it?

No. No.

I always act like this when I get a letter.
It makes me feel so good.

Me, too,
if I'd got anybody to get one from.

Mrs Walker,

would it be asking too much
to read it out loud?

Why, no.

No, I... I'd be glad to.

You know, the fact of the matter is,
my daughter says such funny things,

it brings my lumbago
back on me from laughing.

"Dear Muzz..."

My daughter-in-law
always calls me "Muzz".

It's just a pet name.

Sort of silly, but she does it.

"Dear Muzz..."

"It seems like we've been more lonesome
for you than usual this past month."

"Only last night, Eddie..."


- What's the matter, dear?
- Oh!

What's the use of pretending?

I was just making it up as I went along.
It's all a lot of lies!

They never write to us any more.

They don't miss us!


I want you all to know Mrs Small,
who's joining our little family.

I'm sure you'll be happy here,
Mrs Small.

We do our very best,
within reasonable limits, of course,

to make our guests
perfectly at home.

If you'll take off those clothes,
one of the girls will bring you a uniform.

- Where shall I undress, please?
- Right here.

Oh, but I couldn't do that. Why, I've never
even done that in front of my husband.

You'll soon get over that, Mrs Small.

Now, let me see.
Where will you sleep?

Oh, yes. There's a bed.

This will be your bed, Mrs Small.
I think you'll find everything quite...

Why, where is the pillow?
Oh, here it is.

- No, Mrs Garvey, please. I...
- What's the matter?

- It's my husband's pillow.
- Your husband?

Why, I never heard of such a thing.
Your husband is...

Oh! Mrs Walker, what are you doing?

Mrs Walker!
How dare you?

I'd dare anything rather than have you
blab to Mrs Scott that her husband's dead.

- She knows her husband's dead.
- Certainly.

But the only joy she has
is pretending that he ain't.

You're not going to stop her doing that
if I can help it!

- Mrs Walker, you've gone too far.
- Too far?

I ain't gone half far enough. I'm going to
tell you what a sanctimonious old...

Stop! Mrs Walker, I'm going to call your son
and tell him to come and take you away.

And I'll take pains to tell him
what an unruly, meddlesome...

Tell him! Tell him!

- I'm unruly, am I? Meddlesome, am I?
- Yes!

- I came here to see Mrs Walker.
- Of course, Mr Glidden.

- Just as soon as Mrs Garvey...
- Go on, call him! See if I care!

I'm going to get this off my chest
to know the reason why.

I'll teach you to break poor old women's
hearts just to see the pieces fly!

Please, Mrs Walker.
This is Mr Glidden. He's...

- I'm going to tell you just what I think...
- Just one moment, please.

If you'll talk to me first,
you can finish what you have to say.

- I'm sorry, but Mrs Walker...
- Try and stop me!

- Well, what do you want?
- I want to talk to you alone, if you please.

Won't you sit?

Eavesdropping. What does this mean? Get
back to your rooms immediately. The idea!

Help! Quick!
Come here, somebody! Help!

- Mrs Walker. Mrs Walker, she's fainted.
- Oh!

You wouldn't fool me,
would you?

I wouldn't fool you
for a million dollars.

I'm very sorry.
I only work here.

I can't help it if you're a son. Nobody's
allowed in without Mrs Walker's permission.

As long as you're getting $200 a month
from me, you will rock.

- But that's all you will do.
- But, Mrs Walker...

It's rock or quit.

Well, if it suits you.

- What a life!
- You're telling me.

Aces up.
Three queens and a pair of jacks.

And me with a cockeyed straight.

Mrs Walker,
what are you putting the top...

Who's making these pies?

- You, Mrs Walker.
- You bet your life I am.

Now, I'll attend to the pies,
you attend to your rocking.

That's what you're getting paid for.

- Nice music.
- It's hot!

I'll say it is!

A million dollars!


No, I'm sorry.
You can't speak to Mr Glidden.

Yes, sir,
but those are my orders.

How much longer? The directors have been
waiting three quarters of an hour for him.

Yes, sir. I've tried, but I can't go in.
He throws books at me.

Well, I wash my hands
of the whole thing.

Nobody can blame me.
I warned him.

That will of his,
the one he made all the fuss about...

Well, right now,
there isn't any sort of a will.

Marvin, I'm going in there
and taking him home.

I've told him two hours' work a day is his limit,
and I've been waiting that long.

- Yes, sir.
- Open that door.

Yes, sir.

Marvin, what's happened?

Shut up! Shut up and go away!

- But what...?
- "But what?" Can't you leave me alone?

Can't I have any privacy at all

without a lot of doctors and secretaries
butting in on me all the time?

There's important matters
to take care of.

Let somebody else take care of them.
Pretend I'm dead.

- Yes, sir.
- What? Go away, go away.

Yes, sir,

Mr Glidden, that pie!
In your condition!

What's the matter with my condition?

Look. Two of them,
since last Wednesday.

- All by myself.
- What?

That reminds me,
I must make a note to Mrs Walker

telling her to lay off the apple pies for a while
and make me mince pies.

- What?
- Mince!

Mr Glidden,
I think you've completely lost your mind.

Do you think so?
That's great.

If I'd lost my mind ten years ago,
I'd have been as happy then as I am today.

- Now, Mr Glidden...
- Shut up!


What's that?
Will I?

Well, I should say I would.
I'll be right over.

And listen, you save a place for me
right next to you, will you?

Thank you.

O, Genevieve

Sweet Genevieve

- Where do you think you're going?
- You guess.

Home to bed.
That's where you're going.

You know where I'm going,
you old medicine dropper?

I'm going for a hayride.