I Will... I Will... For Now (1976) - full transcript

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[speaking in foreign language]

[sighs]

[speaking in foreign language]

[instrumental music]

Katie?

- Honey, please.
- Hmm?

You know how I feel
about it in the morning.

[music continues]

[operatic singing]



Dear?

You always at the shower
when I'm shaving?

Do you always have to shave
when I'm showering?

- Touche. Listen.
- What?

Don't forget, tonight is

the bar association dinner
at the Waldorf.

- Oh, no, is that tonight?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, gosh, I got an exam tomorrow
and a paper to write..

- Excuse me.
- Listen, what are you..

What are you trying
to prove?

Between NYU
and your shrink

and your lectures
at the Guggenheim

and your photography,
Monday night

is the only time
I get to see you.



Oh, come on,
stop exaggerating.

Listen, I want you
to understand that

I am sick and tired
of going on like this.

Fine.

What?

Sick and tired?

Katie, let's get married.

Lou, why the rush?

What do you mean,
why the rush?

I've been sleeping over
Monday nights

for two years.

I wanna wake up
next to you on Tuesday.

And Wednesday
and Thursday and Friday--

Honey, honey,
why-why can't

we leave things the way
they are, huh?

'Cause I love you.

And I love you too but..

I just don't wanna go
through that again.

Alright, so your life
with Les was awful

but it couldn't
have been that bad?

Oh, no.

You try being married
to a compulsive

gambling, oversexed
girl chaser.

I am married to him.

Try being his wife,
not his lawyer.

I am practically as close.

Hmm, interesting,
I never caught him

sneaking around
with other lawyers.

Look, I'm with him all the time.

And I'm sick and tired
of running around

like this behind his back.

Alright. Then, tell him.

- Tell him?
- 'Yes.'

'Tell him.'

No, I can't tell him.

No, that would kill him,
or he'd kill me.

- Lou.
- 'I can't just see it.'

We are at the club playing Jin
and I say to him.

"Oh, Les, by the way I've been
meaning to tell you

I-I'm sleeping with your wife."

Ex! Ex-wife.

'No, not ex.'

In that twisted mind
you're still his.

And if there's anything
in this whole world

that Les Bingham can't take,
it's loosing.

[birds chirping]

[panting]

[panting]

[panting]

You okay, son?

It's just a stitch.

Well, take it easy,
you'll live a lot longer.

[instrumental music]

♪ Will I take you dear ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ Will I stay with you ♪

♪ Until we are old ♪

♪ Will I make it work ♪

♪ Best I know how ♪

♪ I will I will for now ♪

♪ Will you settle down ♪

♪ With you now and cheers ♪

♪ Will we share it all ♪

♪ The laughs and the tears ♪

♪ Will I me it last ♪

♪ For ever somehow ♪

♪ I will I will ♪

♪ I will I will I will ♪

♪ For now ♪

- Good morning..
- Good morning, Mr. B.

- Anything important?
- Yes.

Valley Forge Industrial Park
has been approved.

I told them you sent
a nice note to the governor.

Uh, Luke Wyler
called from Tulsa.

They can't find
the electrical specifications

for the new shopping center.

- I notified Robinson.
- Good.

Oh, Miami called.
The check is in the mail.

It's about time. Now,
what about the important stuff?

- Important stuff?
- How did we do last night?

You blew
the Red's of Pittsburgh.

I already know that.
What about the coast games?

You won
the double header at Oakland

and the Dodgers breezed.

Sammy owes you 32,000.

Oh, great. I'm killin' him.
I'm killin' him.

What looks good tonight?

Uh, Singer's goin'
against Hunter in town.

It's seven to eight Yankees.

Oh, I love Singer,
I'm gonna bet a $1,000

toward 14,000 on the Angels.

And you could tie that into
a Round Robin with the Pirates.

'They runnin' hot, right?'

Singer, Pirate, Dodgers,
Round Robin.

'Anything else?'

Uh, yeah, how is our weekend?

Ah, how's our weekend
looking in East Hampton?

Did you hear from Gloria yet?

She can't make it.

'What do you mean
she can't make it?'

Means, she's not
going to be there.

Did you speak to Joyce?

What about Slash?

All busy, or going away for the
weekend, or some other excuse.

Well, I guess it's about time
I expanded my operation, huh?

[telephone beeping]

What is it, Phillis?

(Phillis)
'Bingham's sister Sally holding
on the line, from Washington.'

Oh, sure, put her on.

Mrs. Bingham's sister Sally
from Washington.

Oh, great.

Okay, how much bread
do you need?

- How are you, sweetheart?
- Wonderful.

I've got the most wonderful
news, you'll never guess.

You balanced your check book.

No, I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?
What do you mean pregnant?

Never mind,
I know what you mean.

I forgot to take the pill
one night.

'Well, I guess we gonna have to
do somethin' about that, huh?

No, Ralph and I want
this baby very much.

Oh, well, that's different,
I hope the two of you

are thinkin' to get married.

We're having a little ceremony
Sunday at 3 o'clock.

Can you come?

You just try and keep me awake.

I gotta call Katie, um..

I'll see you Sunday, okay?

- Okay, bye.
- 'Bye-bye.'

[engine revving]

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Well, uh...congratulations.

Exciting, isn't it?

Well, somebody sitting here?

No.

Been a while.

About a year.

Long.

No, I saw you in the theater
one evening.

For one moment,
I thought the girl

you were with was Sally.

But she'd never
wear a dress like that.

You look great.

You lost a lot of weight.

If you call eight pounds
a lot of weight.

Is that all?

Of course, I haven't seen
you standing up.

Look..

...it's Sally's wedding
and we're going

to have spend
the day together

so why don't
we just cool it, okay?

Okay.

It's okay with me.

[sighs]

Did I bought you that?

No.

A good hedge against inflation,
what did it cost?

I wouldn't know.

You didn't ask?

It came from an admirer.

No, Kate!
What is he a wholesaler?

No, a gentleman.

You mean, you really go out?
With men?

Somehow, women have never
appealed to me.

I'm not quite that liberated.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Oh, God.

This is the beautiful spot
for chapel.

Yeah, it's a great place
for chapel.

I wonder when
they gonna build it.

I like it this way.

It's God's chapel
and it's beautiful.

Well, what's the difference?

- A wedding is a wedding.
- Yeah.

[music continues]

Excuse me.

"Agreement made, this 27th day
of July between

"Sally Ryan, here in called
party of the first part

"and Ralph Johnson, here in
called party of the second part

'"to wit clause one'

What kind of wedding is this?

Shh, this is not a wedding.

Well, then, what is it?

They're signing a contract.

A contract,
she's having a baby.

"The two parties
to hereby contract

"and want to live together
in the same premises

'"to share bed and board,
bed to be defined'

'"as the place where they sleep
and or cohabits..'

- Well, you asked for it.
- Me?

All that strict stuff
tryin' to bring her up

like you're ol' lady
brought you up.

No wonder,
she slipped the leash.

And you jumpin' on the bones,
anything to move.

I suppose, if that's
an example--

(in unison)
Shh.

"Premises to be defined
as a sight

"where in said
bed is located.

'"While the parties
will pool their resources'

'"the larger earner will retain
the larger share of the income.'

Oh, I like that.

'"This agreement shall be
in effect for one year'

"either party to be
able to abrogate

that is walk away at each
and any option time."

A contract with options,
I don't understand.

What about the baby?

You better have a good lawyer.

Therefore, by the power
of this agreement

and in the presence
of these witnesses

I now pronounce you
tenant in common.

'First party sign here
and here.'

As notary public
this seal expires August 1st.

I now pronounce
this contract in effect.

You may kiss the party
of the first party.

[applause]

I guess we oughta go over and
kiss the party of first party.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hello. How are you?

- Sally, Sally.
- Katie.

- Les, how are you?
- I'm good.

- This is Ralph.
- Congratulations.

- Nice to meet you.
- This is my Sister Katherine.

- Hello, thank you for coming.
- And this is Les.

- Ralph.
- They raised me.

Terrific.

So how'd you like the ceremony?

- Wasn't that fantastic?
- Oh, y-yeah, it was nice.

Just, one question. I..

What have you two
got against marriage?

Everything.

Well, that's a pretty
broad statement.

A contract's beautiful.

It's only a year.

It doesn't work,
we let it expire.

Right, if you want it to go on,
you let the other party know

how you feel about it?

Especially when the options
coming due.

Not to mention the baby.

(male #1)
'Here it is, folks.
Come and get it.'

[indistinct chatter]

Well, at least
it's a catered affair.

[instrumental music]

[engine revving]

We were smart.

When the magic ran out,
when the party was over

we did the sensible
thing, right?

Oh, I'll drink to that, huh?

Still friends?

Oh, I'll drink to that too.

You happy, Les?

- Sure, you kiddin'.
- Oh, really?

I mean, I-I really uh..

I really am happy,
aren't you?

Oh, absolutely,
you know, I'm free and..

Oh, I never have
any migraines and I..

Yeah, I love every minute of it.

- Me too.
- That's nice.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Everything's free
and easy now.

No more, you know,
forcing everything.

Forcing?

- Yeah, like, uh..
- Like.

I come home
from the office

and you would force
all that woman-talk on me.

Yakety yakety yak.

When all I wanted was
a wet kiss and a dry Martini.

All that blessed silence.
No more Howard Cosell on TV set.

No more beer cans
all over the house?

Yeah, I have to admit it.
I overdid the football though.

You know, what used
to just drive me up a wall?

You're always straightening
everything up.

You can't walk into one room
without making a mess.

Oh, it was like living
with the Lysol commercial.

[sighs]

I like a neat house.

I'll never forget.

The night I got up
to go to the John..

...and you made the bed.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Evenin', ma'am.

Hey, Mr. Bingham,
long time no see.

Long time, yeah.

How'd I've let
you talkin' into this?

Simple.
Both of us are starving.

Neither of us have a date.

And I got your loaded
on the plane.

You didn't forget the egg roll,
did you?

Egg roll, ribs, shrimp,
Moo shu pork, bum bum chicken

and a beef with oyster sauce.

You're always order too much.

And you always eat it.

[instrumental music]

- Hi
- Oh.

- You know, it's like old times.
- Mmm.

You know, all things considered
you're lookin' good.

Oh, all things considered?

Yeah, I mean, you're still
pretty attractive.

Tact was never
your long suit.

Katie, you are,
you really are.

- You want an almond cookie?
- No, I don't want.

Oh, no, Les, please!
Please.

Katie, I'm gonna level with you.

You know all that stuff
I told you on the plane?

Well, I'm not that happy.

I'm not happy at all.

Well, hmm, to tell
you the truth

I'm not all that
ecstatic either.

You know, when you looked back,
we did have our moments.

- Yes, we did, one or two.
- I'm still crazy about you.

- No, no.
- Well, what is the big deal?

I don't know,
it's just not right.

- Who says?
- I don't know.

- Uh, me I guess.
- Why?

It's too sudden.

Yeah, well, let's talk
about it in the mornin'.

- No.
- Katie, I'm tellin' you.

- You still turn me on.
- No, it's crazy.

- What's crazy?
- Well, this is our first date.

And, you know, I never mess
around anything on a first date.

Katie, we've been married
for ten years.

Well, we're not married now.

You gotta toothpick or some
dental floss or somethin'?

It's in the medicine cabin.

You want me to get it?

No, I know the way.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Les?

[music continues]

Les, just what do you think
you're doing?

Come on in the water's fine.

Get outta there!

Come on in,
we'd do the dishes in here.

Listen, I'm in no mood for this.

Just, uh, put
your clothes on and get out.

- First thing in the morning.
- Do you want me to call the..

No! God. Oh, no.

'Are you alright?'

Back, I got the back.

Don't move,
I'll call Dr. Isaac's.

[grunts]

Here now, don't-don't go away.

[grunts]

[humming]

(Les)
'Come in.'

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, but you just cancel
all my appointments

for the next couple of days.

Well, anything urgent,
you know where to reach me.

No, no, you just tell
Mr. Fisher that..

...when I get back he can
bring his people over, okay?

Bye.

Maria, como estas?

[speaking in Spanish]

Mr. Bingham,
you hurt yourself?

Oh, it's my back,
nothing serious.

Doctor wanted me to go in
the hospital for couple of days

but I said no hospital.

You miss me, mamacita.

I miss yomucho mucho.

You're my girl.

[speaking in Spanish]

Oh, but you like it, huh?

It is not impossible.

(Maria)
'How come you never
pick up your stuff?'

What stuff?

I don't know a lot of stuff.

You have your poker chips,
your swimming mask

your bowling trophy.

Ah, and your favorite,
your football lamp.

My lamp?
So that's where it went.

Hey, whose red bathrobe
is that?

It's not yours?

Maria, when'd you ever see me
in a crummy color like that?

Look, Maria, the senora
told me that

she's going with some guy,
a wholesaler or somethin'.

Don't tell me he's staying over.

It is not impossible.

You can level with me, she's not
sleeping with this guy, is she?

Is she?

A man and a woman.

They have needs.

Son of a..

How do you like that?

Maria, Maria.

You and I were a couple
of oamigos, right?

(Les)
'Well, you can tell me
who is this character?'

(Maria)
'Who is this, who?'

(Les)
'This wholesaler.'

'The guy of the bathrobe.'

(Maria)
'I don't know no bathrobe.'

Maria, you still like to watch
those game shows on TV?

Ah, si, si.

The passwords
and the prices okay

'and-and let's make a deal.'

(Les)
'Okay, let's make
a deal, Maria.'

'I got a $50 bill in'

'my pant's pocket over there.'

And it's all yours,
if you can come up

with the rat's name who
belongs to that red bathrobe.

(Katie)
'Maria.'

Si, senora.

Don't you have something
to do in the kitchen?

Osi, senora.

Let's make a deal.
That's low.

That's disgusting.

- Fine, disgusting.
- Yeah.

The famous miss puritan.
The famous miss..

Oh, you know I wouldn't mess
around on a first date puritan.

'Carrying on like a sex maniac,
right under my nose.'

This is my house, and I will do
anything I like in it.

Oh, you admit it!
You like it.

Will you please shouting?
You're giving me a migraine.

Look, if you don't mind
my being personal, lady.

When did you start liking it?

The day you moved out.

Ugh.

♪ Over there over there ♪

♪ Send the word
send the word over there ♪

♪ Well that the boys
are coming ♪

♪ The boys are coming ♪

♪ The drums are
rum-tumming everywhere ♪

♪ So prepare ♪

♪ Say a prayer ♪

♪ Send a word
send a word to beware ♪

♪ We'll be over
we are coming over ♪

♪ And we won't come back till
it's over over there here ♪

Yeah, hurray..

Caruso he didn't
really sing that, did he?

- Oh, yes. I have the record.
- Really?

Yes.

- Oh, God.
- You know what I wish?

What?

I only wish that
I had the guts

to audition for
The Metropolitan Opera

instead of going to law school.

So would the neighbors.

[laughs]
Right?

Bad girl sittin' in the park.

[laughs]

- Yeah.
- Ah, oh.

- Sugar?
- What?

[instrumental music]

Well, you know how
expensive sugar is these days?

Let's do it.

I don't wanna wait any longer.

We can get married in Mexico.

Or in the Caribbean, Trinidad,
anywhere you wanna get.

Oh, Lou, I don't know
what to say?

Say yes.

[sighs]

I can't.

I mean, I-I can't right now.

I'm-I'm all mixed up,
you know.

I mean, seeing Les again
and S-Sally's wed..

Sally's contract.

So much of the past
rushing up at me and..

Oh and I got
a term paper due next Thursday.

Oh, the hell
with the term paper.

Lou, please, I can't think
straight at the moment.

Alright, turn in your
term paper, get your C minus.

Just don't say no.

Keep the ring.

It's not us.

You and me. It's..

I don't know,
I just-I just sort of can't

and please...don't force me.

But I want you to know, Lou

that this is one of
the dearest moments in my life.

[door closes]

Well, well, we are home a little
early tonight, aren't we?

What was it a quick bite
and slam, bam, thank you, ma'am?

That is disgusting!

You are disgusting.

Well, that's me, Mr. Consistent.

Oh, God, oh.

Will you get that
damn thing out?

[gasps]
Ah, don't.

Thank you very much.

Slam, bam, thank you, ma'am.

[screams]

Have you ever discussed these
migraines with your analyst?

What I discuss
in the privacy of my analysis

is none of your business.

Well, it just occurred
to me that

after all these years,
there could definitely

be a connection between
you're getting laid

and you are getting a migraine.

Will you get your
dirty mind outta here

and just leave me alone?

You are brutal,
sadistic, insensitive boar

and I just cannot tolerate
it anymore.

- Oh, Katie, I'm sorry.
- Oh.

I didn't mean to upset
you like this.

When are you gonna let go?

When are you going to realize
you've lost me.

I don't know.

I guess I'm still jealous.

That's what it is. I'm just
jealous at this red bathrobe.

Katie, who is it?

Kate..
No, no, you're right.

You're right.

We're divorced.

We're free,
we're two consenting adults

you can sleep with
who ever you like.

It's none of my business.

- Do I know him?
- Oh.

It isn't someone classy
like Marvin Shanken, is it?

Oh.

Oh, if it didn't hurt so much,
I might laugh.

Damn, damn, I gave
you all my Darvon.

Now, what am I
supposed to do?

Oh, how bad. I..

Let me give you a massage.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

It'll loosen up
all those muscles.

Oh, you let old Doc Bingham

give you one of his
magic massages.

You can't with your back.

Oh, no, look,
I'm-I'm practically cured.

Oh, come on,
are you gonna wreck your back?

Look, you get undressed

and I'll warm up
the magic fingers.

Well..

Ow!

Oh, oh, that is good.

Oh.

You know what?

What?

It's our second date.

- You're bad.
- Terrible.

Mm-hmm. What about
your back, huh?

Oh, well..

Certain risks
have got to be taken.

Come on, you're gonna
wreck your back, Les.

I certainly hope so.

- You're an idiot.
- Yay.

- Les.
- Katie, I love you.

Oh.

[knock on door]

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

How's your back?

- I'll test it.
- Yeah.

It's fabulous.

How's your head?

Oh, it's clear as a bell.

You know, we may have made
a fantastic medical discovery.

Katie, I have perfectly
revolting idea.

- Revolt me?
- Let's get married.

- Yeah, okay, you revolted me.
- What?

Oh, come on,
why spoil everything?

Are you kidding? Look, how great
it is with us, isn't it?

- Yeah, it was marvelous.
- Well?

Les, look, we haven't even seen
each other in over two years.

So what?

So, uh, we could both
fall back

in the same
old neurotic patterns--

Katie, honey,
I have to tell you, I'm lost.

I need you, Katie,
I missed you last two years.

It just been
horrible without you..

Katie, I just can't make it.

So please say yes, Katie,
let's get married.

[sighs]

I can't.

Can't?

But I tell you what
I might wanna try.

A contract.

[instrumental music]

Mr. Springer,
the Bingham's are here.

Oh, good, have them come in.

Katie wanted to take
this to another lawyer

but I said, "what the hell
am I paying Lou for?"

(Lou)
'I was in court all mornin',
just having a late lunch.'

Will you join me
in a glass of soave.

Look, I got a million
things to do this afternoon.

So can we get it rolling?

And, Lou, please,
turn the music off.

Oh, Les, where's your soul?

This is Vienna, it's spring
and love is in the air.

Alright music lover, how long do
you want this contract to run?

What do you think?

Well, I don't know,
what do you think?

- Um..
- My I make a suggestion?

Am initial period of six months

with the first option
of five years.

Five years?

Oh, no, I was thinking
more like one.

Believe me, Katie,
five years will add

a certain stability
to your lives.

A certain gravity.

Or else you can forget
the whole enchilada.

I like it, five's alive.
It's a nice round number.

Mm-mmm, no, I still think
it's a little too long.

Look, if you can't
make it together

for the first six months,
then five years academic.

And forget the whole enchilada.

He's right.

Alright.

I mean, after all we are trying
to make it work, right?

Yes.

Alright, six months,
five year pick ups.

Now, I suggest a penalty of $500
for any and all violations.

$500? For what?

(Lou)
'Well, you have to put
some teeth into the contract'

'or you can forget
the whole enchilada.'

What is this
"Forget the whole enchilada?"

It sounds like you
don't want it to work.

Les, you really hurt me.

Now, perhaps,
you'd prefer another lawyer.

Maybe that wouldn't
be such a bad--

Come on, Louie,
don't be so touchy.

$500 is fine. It just
sounds like a lot of money.

(Lou)
'Exactly,
it's supposed to hurt.'

Now to the terms.

Have you got your notes?

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Uh...let's see.

You start?

Oh, no, you take
the first day and a half.

Okay, now.
Um, point 24.

"Communication."

What do you mean by that?

Uh, well, communicating,
talking, touching, feeling.

Oh, I'm gonna give you a little
grab every now and then.

Uh, Les, I'm talking
mostly about talking.

What we did so little of before.

Now, I-I don't want
you buried in the Times

of breakfast and glued
to the 7 o'clock news

the second you walk in the door.

I don't want it.

You want me to give up
Walter Cronkite?

How am I gonna know,
what's goin' on.

(Katie)
'We'll watch
the 10 o'clock news, together.'

- Cronkite.
- Ten o'clock news.

- Cronkite.
- Ten o'clock news..

Or forget the whole enchilada.

Okay, but no cleaning
the ashtrays every five minutes

and lining the garbage pile
with my sports section.

And I want
a cold martini straight up

when I get home
from work at night.

One, not three so that you can
go to sleep right after dinner.

(Katie)
'I hate to do it.'

'I propose we let Maria go.'

Let Maria go?

Yes, yes and yes.

Now listen
I have been talkin'

to some of the young married
people at school

and they all seem
to think that there's nothin'

like sharing the house work
to keep a couple together.

Let Maria go?

Let Maria go.

[sighs]
Okay.

Okay, on weekends
we share the house work.

(Katie)
'Everyday.'

(Les)
'Sweetheart, I work.'

(Katie)
'And I go to school.'

So...we do the light stuff daily

and on the weekends
we do the heavy stuff.

- Heavy stuff?
- Yes.

Well, vacuuming
and waxing and, uh

'scrubbing the kitchen
uh, the floors.'

On Sunday?
That's my one day off.

Mine too, so we'll alternate.

So you take one Sunday
and I'll take the next.

Katie, just how serious
are you about this?

Without it, there's no contract.

Don't you see?

I mean, uh,
when we were first married

that's the way we lived
and we were very happy.

Okay, Lou, write it down.

'Togetherness.'

Let Maria go.

[instrumental music]

- Hello.
- Hello.

Movin' in.

I thought you were in.

I was, but I wasn't, but I am.

Twelve.

Oh, 12.

Lou, did I hear right?

You're goin' to drop a contract
between the Bingham's?

You heard right.

You're given up on Katie?

Ted, if they try
to live up to this contract

they won't talk
to each other for a 105 years.

You're not afraid
you'll lose her?

I'd give Les Bingham
about four months.

And then forget
the whole enchilada.

Okay.

♪ Forget the whole enchilada ♪

♪ The whole enchilada ♪

[telephone ringing]

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry, Hildy,
I got carried away.

Yes, I'm sorry.

[laughing]

♪ If we try ♪

♪ I just know
there must be many ways ♪

♪ To find those
happy yesterdays gone by ♪

♪ If we try ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We can be the way
we used to be ♪

♪ Remember how you
look at me inside ♪

♪ If we try ♪

♪ What we've known ♪

♪ Is to wait in there
made for us to share our love ♪

♪ Don't let love die.. ♪

[opera music]

Come on, now, you.

Come on, baby.
Now, you make the move now.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Could you tu-turn that off.

I gotta..

Honey, would you
please turn that thing off?

I gotta lot of money
rindin' on this.

Come on, do it now.

Yeah, come on,
now, pull up, pull him up.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Hey!

[instrumental music]

♪ What we've known ♪

♪ Is to wait in there
for us to share our love ♪

♪ Don't let love die ♪

♪ We still have
so much to give ♪

♪ And love can live ♪

♪ But only if we try ♪

Ow!

[instrumental music]

(Les)
'Katie?'

'Come on, honey,
what's taking so long?'

Les, come on, at least
let me get into bed, huh?

I got an 8 o'clock
meetin' at the office.

You're messin'
up the bed spread.

While we're on the subject.

I've discussed our sex life
with Dr. Climburg today.

Swell.

And by the way, he agrees

with me about your sex problem.

My sex problem?

What sex problem do I have?

Well, Dr. Climburg calls
it the protestant work ethic.

He says that
a business man like you

acquaints sex with
gettin' a job done.

Like, I don't know,
you wanna hop in the bed

and get it over with
because you got a meetin'

tomorrow at 8 o'clock.

The protestant work ethic.

Well, uh, he knows.

First of all, these people are
comin' all the way from Paris.

- Yes.
- Second.

It's a multi-million dollar deal

and third,
I'm not even protestant.

Les, you're not aware of it

but you're in such
a rush all the time.

According to you.

You make love like you're
running for a Fifth Avenue bus.

Hmm, and I'm not catchin'
it very much lately, either.

And since you brought it up,
have you told that Nazi doctor

of yours for $75 an hour,
about your problem.

What problem?

Well, you make love
like we're playin' chess.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Well..
- I forgot who's move it is.

Okay, okay,
if that's how you feel.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, Katie,
let's talk it over.

No, let's sleep on it.

Okay, I'll try any position.

You know how I feel
about that dirty talk.

[instrumental music]

[opera music]

Oh.

- Ninth inning, two out.
- No.

Isn't it bad enough at home,
do you have to drag

it all the way to a restaurant?

Honey, I gotta lot
of money ridin' on this pitch.

Ooh, he filed it off.

Still alive.

No, he grounded out.

Transistor radios, you know
I knew there was somethin'

I left out
of the contract anyway.

That reminds me,
this Sunday I'm goin' to see

the Catfish Hunter pitch
against The Edge at the stadium.

I got a big bet on the game.

No, it's your
Sunday to clean the house.

After the game.

You're allowed one game a week.

And you went Monday night.

Well, Monday was last week.

Sunday starts a new week.

Oh, any idiot knows
the week ends on Sunday.

This idiot says,
it ends Saturday.

- Sunday.
- Saturday.

The good Lord made
the Earth in six days

and on the seventh day he rested
and that day was Sunday.

The day of rest.

Well, if it's such
a great day for rest

why have I been workin'
my ass off cleanin' the house?

I'm goin' to the game.

You do and I am leaving you.

Just don't wanna
hear about it anymore, alright?

Well, we made an agreement.
A new start, a new way of life.

And you're willing
to throw it all away

for one stupid baseball game.

It's not a stupid baseball game.

It's the biggest
game of the year.

What the hell
are we doing to each other?

I make a quarter
of a million dollars a year

and I'm scouring toilet bowls.

Can't we Maria back?

You never did understand
what we're tryin' to do.

Okay, okay, you tell me,
what are we tryin' to do?

Between the dustin' and the beds

and the mops
and the toilet bowls.

What are we tryin' to prove?

It's togetherness.
It brings us together.

- To do, to share, to feel--
- To scream!

Come on will ya,
I'm a 100 and a quarter down.

I'm sorry, I just can't
keep my mind on the game.

What's the matter?

Well, it's the damn contract.

You know, it's almost
as bad as being married.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Look, it's only
a piece of paper.

Why don't you and Katie get
together and talk it over.

And you can walk out today.

Me quit?

You know me
better than that Lou.

I go for broke.
Eight.

Now, 24.

Twenty four, that's
a triple blitz, my friend.

You made my day.

That's, uh, 180 bucks.
You can mail me a check.

- I gotta go.
- Hmm.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, dear.

Oh, your cantaloupes fell down.

- Thank you.
- How do you do?

Oh..
Oh, oh, oh.

Gee..
Wh-what a shame.

I better help you
upstairs with this.

Oh, would you?

Well, of course I would.

I mean, after all..

Like I said, I can't
thank you enough, mister..

Bingham, Leslie,
but you can call me Les.

Jackie Martin, it's
really very sweet of you, Les.

In fact, you saved my life.

Well, you know us boy scouts.

We're loyal, courteous, thrifty

brave, honest,
trustworthy, lecherous.

And thirsty.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, well, maybe a quickie.

[instrumental music]

You make a beautiful martini.

Thank you.

I don't come on
to a martini like this.

Katie just doesn't seem
to understand my needs.

- When I get home--
- You don't have to tell me.

I know just what
you're going through.

How long has it been for you?

Three years.

But it feels
like three lifetimes.

I know just what
you're going through.

If Steve only had half
of you're understanding.

And Katie only
had half you're...empathy.

That's such
an intellectual observation.

You bring it out in me.

It's amazing.

I've only seen you
a few times in the elevator

and I feel as though I've
known you for such a long time.

It's that old double chemistry

you know, sometimes these happen

and you can't
do anything about it.

You mean because
we're both married?

Oh. I guess, I do.

Another?

Well, actually
Katie and I aren't married.

That woman in the
elevator isn't your wife?

No.

She certainly acted like it.

Well, we're living together.

- Under contract.
- Contract?

- What's that?
- The perfect understanding.

We can go out whenever
we like and no questions asked.

That's funny. From her,
I get super control vibes.

Do you mind if I take
my sweater off?

Well, I can turn
up air conditioning.

Oh, no, no, no, I wanna
keep you at room temperature.

What's the big hang up between
you and what's his name?

- Steve.
- Yeah.

Well, it's, uh..

It's our sex life.

Not enough, uh, ballin'.

He's one way
and I'm just the opposite.

Well, I could understand
he's not ever wantin'

to let you out of bed.

I wish, it's just
the other way around.

Oh, I can't believe it.

When we first met
I was doing a little modelling.

Cosmo, Bou, Bizarre.

Bit on the Dean Martin Show

and I was Ms. November
in Playboy, centerfold.

Hey, really?

- Would you like to see it?
- Yeah, I would love to see it.

Just so happens.

I never met
a Ms. Centerfold before.

Usually I buy the magazine for
the articles and interviews.

They have wonderful writers,
Hemingway and Steinbeck.

Well, anyway, like I said, uh..

One I first met
Steve he was all macho.

And then we got married,
and he pulled off a merger and..

...he fell in love
with his business.

Now, I hardly exist.

- The protestant work ethic.
- Hmm?

A lot of men are so insensitive

they treat
sex like a business deal

and making love to their wives
well, like they're running

after a Fifth Avenue bus.

Wow, that's heavy.

I just can't
understand your husband.

Not enough ballin'
to keep you happy?

Well, what about you?

Me?

Well, I've been livin'
with Katie for ten years now.

With a couple of years
off for bad behavior.

You know somethin'?

You're cute.

And very sweet.

And quite adorable.

- Oh.
- Oh, no.

- Sorry.
- It's-it's no problem.

- It's alright.
- Oh!

"The Joy Of Sex"
Well, I've heard about that.

It's beautifully illustrated.

Oh, well, it's, uh, pretty..

Explicit?

I was gonna say, on the nose.

Nose?

I think there's
somethin' on that.

Look in the index.

Oh, this is too
good to be true.

I got it because
I thought it might help

things with Steve and me.

But did you ever meet
him in the elevator?

'Well, he'll
be home any minute.'

- Who?
- 'Steve.'

- Steve?
- My husband, he lives here.

Oh! Oh.

Well, I guess
I better be going.

What? Do you have to?

Oh, yeah, Katie will be
wondering what happened to me.

Funny, I had an idea
you were separated.

Well, we're about to be.

You know how those things are.

Do you know
a good divorce lawyer?

Only the best.

My attorney Louis Springer.

You can reach him
through my office.

Just tell him Les said to call.

"Bingham Urban Development"
all of that is you?

If you feel like having lunch
...or somethin' less fatting.

That's my private number.

I may take you up on that.

Oh, I almost
walked of with this.

Take it, it may help
loosen things up.

That's very neighborly.

Oh, when you're through,
you can bring it back.

I'll do that.

Anytime.

Les!

Oh, hi.
Uh, uh..

- Katie.
- Yeah, oh, yeah.

Hey, I was so tied up
in this book

I must have gotten
off at the wrong floor.

Yeah, that's what I did.

Where did you get that?

The book?
Brentano's.

Brentano's sells a book like
that without puttin' in the bag?

Honey, it's a bestseller.
Everybody's doin' it.

I mean, they're buyin' it
then doin' it.

- You're loaded, aren't you?
- Okay, okay.

So I had a couple
of drinks at Brentano's.

I mean, uh, the office.

I mean, uh, with, uh..
The club.

- Who is Jacqueline Martin, huh?
- How should I know?

Because, it's her book.

Oh, that 12th floor.

That little hooker
with the French poodle.

You're having
an affair, aren't you?

Katie, nothing happened.

Then you were there.

You use your head,
if I'm knockin' off a dame

is she gonna give
me a dirty book

to make things great
in bed with my old lady?

What? You told her
about our sex life?

No, I wouldn't go around
tellin' a perfect stranger

my wife's frigid.

Frigid? Is that
what you think I am?

No, I didn't
say you were frigid.

I said that I wouldn't go around
tellin' people that you were--

Alright, alright,
then why did you say it?

Well, who knows? I open my
mouth and it came tumbling out.

That's what you
really think, isn't it?

Of course, not.

Katie, please, don't make
a federal case out of this.

All that happened is that
I met Jackie in the elevator.

- Oh, it's Jackie--
- Mrs. Martin.

Her arms were full of groceries.

The bag broke
and her cantaloupes fell out.

Her cantaloupes
are always falling out.

Just don't tell me you were
in that porno queen's apartment

gettin' smashed
and nothing happened.

Okay, okay,
you wanna hear the truth?

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

We met in the lobby,
and our eyes

locked together
brimming with lust.

'She threw herself into my arms
and locked her lips onto mine.'

And I got her in the elevator,
stopped it between floors

tore her clothes off
and I raped her seven times.

Now what do I say to that?

How do stop
an elevator between floors?

Katie, look I got
a couple of tickets

to the Opera on Saturday night

'cause I was sure
you'd love to go and..

Here we are
at each other's throats.

Now, what's the matter with us?

With you.

You're up to
your old tricks again.

She means nothing to me.

I was just being neighborly.

I know that neighborhood.

Oh, honest to God, sweetheart.

Look, it was nothing.

I picked up her groceries.

We had an innocent drink.
Okay two drinks.

She's a mixed up kid
getting a divorce

so I gave her Lou's number.

She's saw me lookin' at the book

and insisted that
I borrow it and that's it.

That's the whole nothing story.

You don't really think
I'm frigid, do you?

Oh, Katie

[instrumental music]

Les.

[speaking Spanish]

[instrumental music]

- Oh, thank you.
- My darling.

Honey, I've been thinking.

And you know, I think
that the mature thing to do..

I mean, since, we both seemed
to have a few sexual hang ups

is, um...well, why don't we
go see a marriage councilor?

Pay him 500 bucks
when we got this for free.

I just think we could both
use the professional guidance

and I am willing to admit that..

I'm not as free about
sex as you'd like me to be.

Well, we have all
the answers in there.

Now, do you think we should
turn to something special

or shall we start
on page one and screw

our way right
through to the index?

- Les--
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I apologies, you're right.

No more crudeness.
I have it.

Let's start on page
one and intercourse

our way right
through to the index.

Honey, I'm suggesting
a serious discussion.

- Yes, we, I-I..
- Yes.

I think so. Hey, hey,
here's something we could try.

Come on.
You gotta be kiddin' me.

- Why?
- With your back?

Baby, when it comes
to your happiness

my back could go
10 rounds with Muhammad Ali.

Am I going
too fast for you slugger?

Now, Katie,
you have just described

the premature
ejaculation syndrome.

Very common
in the American bedroom.

'It's the root cause
for female sexual frustration.'

'Generally misinterpreted
as frigidity.'

In regard to Les,
you've used words like uh..

...speedy, impatient
instant gratification.

All anti-septic
words for commin' too fast.

Well, I have a couple of words
too, like, passive, indifferent

doesn't move her ass.

What Katie's
complainin' about, Les.

In your commin' too fast

you inhibit her
from reaching an orgasm.

- Exactly.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Again, a very common complaint.

Very common.

You see, most men are more
easily aroused than women.

And unless controlled,
reach climax too quickly.

'That's not
necessarily neurotic.'

And when controlled, can be very
satisfying for both parties.

Excuse me a minute.

Nancy, would you
please bring in some coffee.

(Les)
'What are
you talkin' him like--'

(Katie)
'Can't you please be quiet.'

What do you mean,
"Please be quiet?"

We're in here
to pay the guy for..

- Shh.
- Shh.

This very discussion
is symptomatic of

how these sexual tensions have
infected your relationships.

I mean, they are the cause of
discontent and open hostility.

- Well, that's true.
- 'I'll be quite frank.'

Special treatment is indicated.

- Special treatment?
- How special?

I'm gonna suggest somthin'
that 100's of couples have tried

and have found successful.

Now I could recommend
Masters and Johnson

in St. Louie, or the advanced
psycho sexuality of Raunchster.

But your case seems more suited
to doctors Magnus and Williams.

'Now, Magnus and Williams
conduct a highly respected'

'sexual research facility.'

'In Santa Barbra, California.'

- Oh, this is very interesting.
- All, the way to California?

'They have made
an enormous contribution'

to our understanding
of human sexuality.

(Les)
'Well, listen to this.'

Using psycho drama,
doctors Magnus and Williams

contend that complete surrender
to sexual fantasy eliminates

marital tension.

This isn't one of those places

where everyone
runs around naked, is it?

Oh, what if it is?

The treatment takes two weeks
and costs around $5,000.

That much?

Oh, sweetheart,
what does money mean

when our lives are at stake?

I wanna think about this, okay?

Oh, you, well,
how do you like that doctor?

She drags me all the way up here
and now she's chickening out.

I just wanna think about this.

Surrender to sexual fantasies.

He needs a shawl, a heating pad
and a hot cup of Ovaltine.

Ah, hold it, hold it please.

Thank you.

Oh, hi.
Have you met my, uh..

Wife.

- Oh, you got married?
- Mmm.

Les was telling
me all about your contract.

It's so now.

Oh, yes.
We're renow couple.

'And, thanks for the book.'

You're using it.

Yes, we're all the way
up to sprain backs.

Well, it was
so nice meeting you.

- Mmm.
- Goodbye, Leslie.

Come on, Pierre.

"Come on, Pierre."

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry,
I couldn't get a cab.

We have already
missed the first scene.

I know, I know, Lou,
but that's not really the reason

why I made the date.

Tell me the truth,
is Les having an affair?

Les having an affair?
With who?

You know who. Jackie Martin
and don't play innocent.

You men talk.
I know.

Well, so he's got
something going on the side.

That's beautiful.
Tear up the contract.

You mean,
he didn't say anything?

Look, he loves you
very much but

you can't change
the habits of a lifetime.

Now, come on, we're late,
we've missed the first scene.

I'm sorry, Lou.

There's somethin'
I gotta try first.

What do ya..
I've got great seats.

You could..

But I've got great seats.

Hopkins versus Hopkins
is rescheduled.

And Martin versus Martin
would be in at 2 o'clock.

Martin versus Martin?

The Les Bingham referral.

Oh, Jackie Martin.

- Uh, Hildy.
- 'Yes, sir.'

Get me Mr. Bingham on the phone.

I'm sorry, Mr. Springer

Mr. Bingham will be out
of the city for two weeks.

Well, how come
he didn't tell me?

Well, he and Mrs. Bingham
left rather suddenly.

But I can give you his
number if it's an emergency.

Santa Barbara? What the hell
are they doing out there?

Maybe I shouldn't say.

But if you're going to call

you're going to find out anyway.

Uh, it's that sex clinic

Magnus and Williams.

Oh, oh!

Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Donovan.

Magnus and Williams!

Magnus and Williams.

Hmm?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Danny, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham
will be in bungalow 58.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, I'll just
check the equipment.

Equipment?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[water gurgling]

[music continues]

I'll bring your
luggage in a few minutes.

- Oh, great.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Well..

...have a nice day.

[whistling]

I don't remember seeing
any of this in the brochure.

Oh, how could a brochure
do justice to this place?

- It's great.
- Great. Just great.

Oh, look at
this, body cream

a vibrator,
polaroid camera.

What's this? This?
What is that? What is that?

I don't know, maybe there
is an instruction book.

Yeah, well,
I don't wanna see it.

I don't wanna see it.

I'm not sure
I like any of this.

Oh, keep an open mind.

What do you suppose
the ladder's for?

I don't know,
but my mind is racing.

I think I'm getting a migraine.

Oh, Katie, please, relax.

I'll never know why
I let you talk me into this.

Well, who dragged who
to the marriage counselor?

Oh, you didn't, but to come
all the way to California

for whatever this is.

Well, whatever
this is gotta be

better than whatever it was.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, of course,
right away.

We have an appointment with
doctors Magnus and Williams.

- We do?
- Right away, sweetheart.

Premature ejaculation syndrome,
here we come.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Sweetheart.

Yes.

Goodbye.

Dr. Magnus, the Binghams.
Katie and Les.

- Hello.
- How'd you do, doctor?

Nice to meet you, now,
let's make it Les and Katie

make it very
informal, shall we?

Uh, Dr. Morrison's evaluation

of your problems has
been very helpful.

Now, Dr. Williams and I have
agreed on your treatment.

The next week or so,
you're going to try some

very uninhibited behavior.

But if you're free
and adventurous enough

we should send you home to
a new and happier life together.

Yes, in your case we've decided
to delay the psycho-drama

and start with one session
of erogenous re-orientation.

What does that mean?

(Magnus)
'We have to rid you
of certain inhibitions.'

This report indicates a strong
tendency in you Katie to-to

to cover up,
to withdraw.

'Tell me...are you ashamed of
the secret parts of your body?'

Well, uh, a woman--

Quickly, give me another
word for sexual intercourse.

Fornication.

Another.

Coitus.

Another.

Copulation.

A four letter word.

Uh...love?

(Magnus)
'Another.'

- Mate.
- 'Another.'

Try, hump.

I'm not asking you.

'Well, come on.'

A four letter word.

- Screw.
- That's five.

Four letter word.

I don't know it.

You've seen it written on walls.

No, I haven't seen it.

- What's the word?
- I don't know.

- You do.
- I don't.

- Come on, say it, say it.
- Al..

Alright! Fuck!

I'm..
Fuck. I'm sorry.

God..
Fuck.

(Magnus)
'There.'

I'm just..
I'm sorry.

Hey, you see..

...the sky
didn't fall in.

Now, why can't you
say a simple word

that every
school child knows.

An Anglo Saxon word for
a very normal function.

Well..

Momma brought me
up very strictly.

Oh, I remember..

...when I was
14 years old

I was going
to this party

and I wanted a pair
of patent leather shoes.

And momma said,
no because

the boys would
look down at the reflection

and see up
under my skirt.

You never told me that.

And didn't momma give
you any sex instruction?

With my mother?
Are you kidding?

Oh, no.

Her look implied that

it was something
unmentionably dirty.

I remember the first time
I had sexual intercourse.

Afterwards I must have
bathed half a dozen times.

That's my wife,
either she's cleaning

ash trays, or takin' a bath.

Well, it wouldn't hurt you
to take a bath occasionally

before we go to bed.

Well, who can
get near the tub?

Did it ever occur to you
to take a bath together?

- Together?
- 'Together?'

(Williams)
'A new shared experience.'

Just imagine, two bodies..

...touching, feeling.

Exploring in warm, soapy water.

(Les)
'Oh.'

Ooh.

Les, where are you, huh?

What do you suppose
that ladder's for?

Two of us in there?

Yeah. What you see
is what you get.

Okay, baby, move your
tush, I'm gettin' in.

(Katie)
'Oh. Le-Les, come on.'

'You're spillin'..
Oh, no.'

Ooh.

Oh.

[chuckles]
For $5000 this is pretty silly.

Put a movie camera
down there it'd make

a sensational Jacques Cousteau
film, wouldn't it?

Shouldn't we be
doing something?

- With what?
- Well, I don't know.

We're supposed
to be two bodies

touching and feeling
and exploring.

Well, I'll tell you
one thing we'd have done

a lot better
on the ladder.

Oh, God.

Oh. Ow!

The water's getting cold.
Can you reach the faucet?

Uh-huh.

(Katie)
'What're you doing? Oh, my God!'

What did you do?
It's cold

What did you do?

[both chuckling]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, come on,
kiddo, we've got

a 10 o'clock appointment
with the doctors.

I didn't sleep a wink.

Didn't you hear what was going
on-on all night long in there?

Oh, yeah. They must be
about $2000 ahead of us.

Oh, I'm having
a migraine.

Well, we're here to cure that.

I'll see ya after your session.

Hey, I got it!

It's for a lady midget
and Will Chamberlain.

You get a move on.

Ow.

[woman groaning]

Ow.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bingham.

I hope you are feeling better.

Yes, I'll tell the doctor.

That was Mrs. Bingham, she's
cancelled her ten o'clock.

(Dr. Williams)
'Who's next?'

A new arrival,
Mrs. Jacqueline Martin.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're
accommodations aren't ready.

Uh, would you and Mr. Martin
care to relax around the pool?

Well, he's on
the next plane.

We never fly together.

On planes
or anything else.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Yes.

What?

Yes, she's right here.

Fine, thank you.

There's been
a cancellation, Mrs. Martin.

Dr. Williams will
see you immediately.

Well, that's just fine.

A lot of men
confuse domination

with masculinity.

What they don't
realize is that

true masculinity can
be expressed through

gentleness, consideration
and patience.

I know, doctor, but when
I'm in the starting gate

and they drop the flag..

...I'm off and running.

That lack of consideration
is what turns Katie off.

Well, sometimes
I try to slow it down.

How?

Think of other things.

Like what?

An automobile wreck..

Climbing
the Empire State building.

Counting from
a 100 backwards.

And then what happens?

Well, I get to about 84

and I say,
"To hell with it."

So what's
the answer, doc?

Well, we have a technique
that'll do two things

it'll hold you back

and it'll bring
Katie up to your peak

of sexual excitement.

- Great.
- It's called role-playing.

Sexual psychodrama.

What do we do?

You and your partner,
are going to play some

childhood sex games.

You mean, like,
spin the bottle?

I'd try for more
sophisticated.

Mrs. Martin..

...your husband's sexual
repression is very typical

in the successful,
young businessman.

I-I hope that's curable.

Oh, we've had remarkable
results with psychodrama.

In other words, we'll
expect you and your partner

to act out sexual
repressions through

fantasy games.

Like what kind?

Well, we usually
start our treatment with

the primary,
familiar game like uh..

...Doctor and Patient.

No, kidding. Like, "You show me
yours, I'll show you mine."

On a little more adulevel.

You mean,
my husband and--

'Don't say, husband.'

No identity fixations.

From now on, it'll
be you as the patient

and your doctor.

Nothing you do
will surprise him

and nothing your doctor
does will surprise you.

Because nothing

and I repeat...nothing
that happens between you

is unnatural.

Just..

...me and my doctor?

Exactly.

(female #1)
'Harry?'

(male #1)
'Listen to me. Oh, no!'

[couple groaning]

Well, I'm terribly
sorry Mrs. Bingham.

Let's see, uh, you're in 58.

Yes, I can put you into 60.

I'll send a boy for
your things immediately.

Not at all.

Hello, I'm Mr. Martin.
Steve Martin.

My wife checked in
a little earlier.

Oh, yes, Mr. Martin, uh

let's see, uh, your room
is just now being vacated.

In the meantime,
you have

the next appointment
with Dr. Williams.

- Dr. Williams?
- Yes.

If you'll take
the first door to your left

it's the first building
on your right.

- First building on the right?
- Yes.

I'll bring your luggage
along in a few moments.

- Thank you.
- I'll just turn on the lights.

Oh, no, never mind.

Um, listen, is-is there

a house physician
on the staff?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
Of course.

Well, I'm having
this, headache.

Would you please
ask him to come by

as soon as possible?

- Right away.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Thanks very much.
- Uh-huh.

Now, if you'll go back
to your bungalow

change into something
appropriate and

wait for your doctor..

I sure hope this works.

This is the last
go around for Steve and me.

Not Steve and you.
You're waiting for your doctor.

Right and I'm his patient.

Mm-hmm. Have fun.

Thank you, doctor.

Oh, Mrs. Martin..

...your accommodation is ready.

It's bungalow 58.

Oh, thank you.

Doctor and patient?

You're putting me off?
I haven't played that game

since I was a little kid.

Well, I like to get
the fun and games started

with doctor and patient,
it's the best thing

to get the ball rolling.
Pardon the pun.

Now, you should be
about a 44 long, right?

- Right.
- Here, put this on.

- Okay.
- And I'll go over here.

And get the rest
of your equipment.

See, there's your stethoscope
and your Band-Aid and, your..

- Here's your thermometer.
- My thermometer, huh?

Yes, and your fountain pen.

Oh, bow tie
goes with it?

Yes, you just
put that on.

Here.

Now, I want this
to be your fantasy

of a doctor
making a house call

on a lovely,
female patient, okay?

Well, I love it.
I don't know about my wife.

Don't say wife..

...say patient.

- Patient.
- Yes, you're role-playing.

You must get used
to the transference.

Right. Well,
is that everything?

Yes, that's everything--

What about
my beautiful nurse?

And my operating table?
And some specimen--

Good luck, doctor.

Yes, thank you very much.
Well, how about my

malpractice insurance?

Remember,
doctor and patient.

Doctor and patient.

'I am a doctor.
I am looking for my patient.'

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

- Who is it?
- 'It's the doctor.'

Just a minute.

[water gurgling]

Come in, doctor.

Jackie?

Les Bingham?

What're you doin' here?

Steve and I are
trying to work things out.

Katie and me too.

Is this wild?

Gee, what a co-incidence.

Then, I'm in the wrong place,
I'm supposed to be in 58.

This is 58.

But Katie is
supposed to be here.

I don't know,
they put me in here.

Not your wife..

...your patient.

Not your husband..

...your doctor.

Well, let's see.

For beginners, uh..

...how do you feel?

Oh, doctor,
I'm so glad you're here.

I feel just awful.

Well, suppose you just tell
the doctor all about it.

Well, I've been
having this trouble with..

...with my breathing.

Beautiful.

Oh, that's too bad.

How long has
this been going on?

For quite some time now.

Oh, oh.

Well, uh..

...we better look into this,
young lady.

Oh, ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh, tch tch tch.

- What is it?
- Yummy, yummy.

Now, take a deep breathe.

[breathing deeply]

Phenomenal.

Again.

Oh, oh.

And once again.

- Doctor.
- Yes?

Have you found anything?

No, but I'll tell you what.

You lose it and I'll find it.

Oh, yes, I'll prescribe
some medication immediately.

Oh, doctor,
I hope you aren't going to

make me take
this medication all alone?

Well,
perhaps I'll join you.

Just this once.

Actually we brain surgeons
operate in much better

slightly smashed.

Well,
you are the doctor.

Hmm, and you're the patient.

You know somethin'?

For five thousand bucks

this is one hell of a buy.

Hi, uh, I'm Steve Martin

my wife came in
a little while ago.

- Where did you put her?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Martin.

It looks like, uh..

Yes, you're in bungalow 60.

Ah, bungalow 60.

Here's your key.

Bungalow 60.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

(Katie)
'Who is it?'

It's, uh, it's the doctor.

'Oh, good. Come in.'

Oh, uh, I-I'm sorry.

'Oh, doctor, would you
please close the door?'

The light is killing my eyes.

Uh, I-I think I'm supposed
to be in bungalow number 60.

'This is 60, and, doctor,
my head is killing me.'

The door. Door please.

Thank you.

(Steve)
'Uh, could you, uh..'

'Could you please,
uh, put on the light?'

(Katie)
'Oh.'

'Yeah, oh.'

'Oh, oh dear,
I pressed the wrong button.'

There.

You're...You're the patient?

Yes. I'm having one
of my migraines.

I cannot seem to find my pills.

You see my doctor,
Dr. Ralph Isaacs

you may have
heard of him, anyway..

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.

He usually
prescribes about

three quarter grain Meratol

with, um, two milligram

Phenabarbital, no,
I think it's two milligram.

And, I don't know, anyway..

He says that
my hypertension causes

a vascular spasm that allow--

You really throw yourself
into into it, don't you?

Huh?

Well, um..

Uh, you say, um..

...that these
attacks are..

...really cause
the tension?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Well, uh..

We'll just have to..

...relieve all that
tension, won't we?

Yeah, anything, anything.

I mean, I'll
do absolutely anything.

You see,
this is...my first time.

- Oh, your first time?
- Well, I mean, here.

And I seem to have certain
inhibitions about all of this.

You know, what I mean?
Next door and--

Would you, uh, take
a deep breathe, please?

[breathing deep]

Mm-hmm.

Again.

And again.

[Steve breathing deep]

Again.

[both breathing deep]

Beautiful.

- Beautiful.
- Okay.

Tension.

Tension.

Now.

Would you mind, uh,
removing your clothes?

My clothes?

Why, naturally.

But, doctor, all
I've got is a headache.

Well, if I'm really
going to examine you..

Wh-what are you
going to examine?

Everything.

Well, um..

...with Dr. Isaacs
usually I-I wear something.

Sure, a towel?

A negligee?

Black garter belt?

Well, sure.

Anything that makes
you comfortable.

Are you sure that this
is absolutely necessary?

- Absolutely.
- For a migraine?

Well, who knows what
else we may find.

Oh.

Migraine, huh?

Migraine.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[water gurgling]

[water gurgling]

[music continues]

Doctor, what're
you doing?

I'm packing
you're appendix in ice.

But they're not
my appendix.

Well that's a crazy place
for your tonsils.

[music continues]

Is the patient ready?

Here comes the doctor.

[Katie screaming]

(Steve)
'Oh, hey, if you
don't like vodka'

I have some scotch,
if you-if you want.

[Katie screaming]

[Katie screaming]

Katie!

[Steve screaming]

(Les)
'Katie!'

Oh, what're you..
What're you doing?

Oh.. Uh,
nothing unnatural.

- And with her?
- Nothing happened.

We didn't even get around
the, "You show me yours

'I'll show you mine."'

I'm sick of seeing yours.

And you! You act..
You planned this, didn't you?

No, no, no, Katie

this is just
a horrible co-incidence.

Hey, hey, that was a hell
of a thing to do back there--

Oh, don't come near me.

Katie, look they're..
These people are just patients

of the clinic, like us.

Oh, you're playing,
Doctor with Steve.

'You know, we
could've all stayed home'

'and saved a fortune?'

Who the hell
is that guy?

Oh, that's Bingham, Urban
Developments from upstairs.

And his former wife!

I don't think
she's very happy.

Here's a picture
of your wife.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, that's not bad.

Les, listen to me.

It isn't today,
it isn't yesterday

it's all-it's all
been piling up.

But, honey, I've been trying.
I really have. You know that--

I'm not blaming you.
I'm not blaming you.

Look, it's my fault,
just as much as it is yours.

So why don't we just
do the sensible thing?

Why don't we quit
while we're still ahead?

What're you talking about?

I mean, while we
still like each other.

While we still
respect each other.

Well, maybe in
our own ridiculous way..

...maybe we even
love each other.

Well, of course we love
each other. You know that.

What's this
crazy talk about quitting?

Look, let's
admit it, right?

The marriage,
the contract..

...the whole thing,
it just doesn't work.

You really mean that?

We've tried.
We've tried twice.

So why don't
we be grown up?

Why don't we
accept defeat?

Katie, I just can't
accept that. I just won't.

Don't please.

Please don't. Just don't..

Well, if that's
the way you want it.

(male #2)
'Hey, Charlie!'

It's in here.

Sorry, folks.

[melancholic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[buzzer beeps]

- Yes?
- 'Lou, it's Les.'

'I'm coming up.'

'Oh, I have a terrible cold.'

'It's very important.'

Alright.

[coughing]

Oh, oh, oh.

[doorbell buzzes]

[instrumental music]

[bell buzzing]

It's all over between
Katie and me.

Oh.

'Oh, I'm very sorry
to hear that.'

Yeah, Magnus and Williams
was a disaster!

Jackie Martin shows up.
How the hell do you figure that?

Well...just an unfortunate
coincidence.

Lou, you gotta help me.

I don't know what to do.

I still love that hard-nosed
little dumpling.

Look, the three of us
practically grew up together.

You know her. Why?

Why wont she at least sit out
the remainder of the contract?

Who knows? She's a woman.

What's her rush to end it?

Lou, you don't suppose
she's got another guy?

Well...anything is possible.

That's the only thing
that makes sense to me.

She's got another guy!
God damn it!

I'm gonna hire a detective
and find out who he is.

- Where's your phonebook?
- Ah..

- Where's your phonebook?
- Alright..

I'm gonna find out
who's gettin' in her pants

if it's the last thing
I do, Lou.

Wait a minute, don't do anything
you might be sorry for.

What do you mean sorry?

Your liable to find
out something

that you don't wanna find out.

Oh yeah? Like what?

Like maybe he's younger than you

or more attractive
or greater in bed.

Come on.

Where's she gonna come up
with a winner like that?

I'll tell you I'm gonna find out

who lover boy is,
I'm gonna get a gun

I'm gonna kill him,
I'm gonna kill her

I'm gonna kill everybody!

Calm down, relax.
You're not gonna get a gun.

You're not gonna kill
him or kill anybody.

- Oh no?
- No.

As far she's concerned

you forget the whole enchilada.

because she's not worth it,
no woman is.

Do you realize what
you have going for you?

You are rich, witty

sophisticated,
a red blooded man's man.

You can have any woman
in the world that you want.

Chicks, broads, Phillies

everybody just lined
up waiting to see you.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll set you up with Dusty.

- Dusty?
- Yes.

A little actress with a body
that just doesn't not quit.

Take it to The Riviera.

Topless, bottomless.

Uh, oh, maybe you
could wanna go to Japan.

Get over there, let the geishas
lay a little soap on you.

Japan, huh?

I could make a pitch
for the Mashitoma hotel.

Right off the whole trip.

Yeah, Lou, there's a lot
in what you said.

After all, I am rich, huh.

- I ain't bad looking.
- Uh-huh.

I'm witty.

Sophisticated.
What's the rest of that stuff?

A red-blooded man's man.

Yeah. Yeah, oh,
she's gonna be sorry, Lou.

I'm gonna go to Japan
and see the geishas

get some of that
warm soapy water

I think I'll go right down
to a travel agent.

Now that is the Les Bingham
that I know.

Lou, you're my friend,
I won't forget you for this.

Les, when it comes down
to the bottom line.

If I can't do a little
something for my best friend--

Forget the whole enchilada.

And screw her!

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bingham.

Your husband is over
at Lou Springer's apartment.

(Katie)
'Alright, I'll call him there.'

Oh, you won't be able
to reach him there

I've tried several times
but the phone's out of order.

Thank you, uh..

Never mind, I'll..

I'll-I'll see him over there.

[instrumental music]

- May I help you?
- Sure.

I'd like to see some
information about Japan.

Mm-hmm, just what
do you have in mind?

Red bathrobe..

He was wearing a red bathrobe.

That son of a bitch was gonna
send me all the way to Japan!

He's the one who sent
Jackie up to Santa Barbara

that son of a bitch!

He's been doing it
to me all long.

[instrumental music]

[buzzer buzzing]

Shit.

Bullets.

Alright, Lou, say your prayers
if you know any.

What the hell are you doing?

You knew,
you red bathrobe turkey!

Look, there must be a million
red bathrobes in New York.

Yeah, there's gonna be one
with a hole in it.

Les, for God sake!

Confess or I'll blow
your head off, Lou.

Alright, put that away,
I'll tell you the truth.

You got three seconds.

[sighs]
Alright, I've had it
up till here anyway.

I have loved Katie ever since
we did the Pirates

together at Roosevelt High.

You stunk that up too?

Oh yeah? You wanna
read the reviews?

You had a thing going
with her, didn't you?

Look, you were divorced!

I'll tell you something

the only reason I've ever hung
around you all these years

is because I wanted
to be near her.

And I am sick of it!

I'm sick of blowing golf games.

I'm sick of laying down perfect
gin heads just to let you win.

- I'm sick of it--
- Let me win?

What the hell are you
talking about, let me win?

You turkey!

I could beat you
anytime I want!

Oh you can, huh?

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere!

Okay, turkey, get the cards.

When I'm feeling better,
I'll be glad to take you--

I said get the cards and deal.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Thirty Four, 35...44.

That's game and that's it.

I want another one.

How many times
do I have to beat you?

I said I want another game.
Now deal, Lou.

'Come, you lucky putz,
give me some cards.'

Les! Les.

- What are you doing?
- Let go, will you let go?

- Are you out of your mind!
- What's the matter with you?

[indistinct]

[gunfire]
Oh God, oh dear.

- Oh my God, we killed him.
- Where did it get you?

- Lou, where?
- Hit my Picasso.

Picasso?

The woman with three eyes.

'She's got four now!'

Have you lost your mind?
What are you doing with the gun?

Playing a hand of Gin Rummy
with the red bathrobe

you've been bowling
behind my back.

You're accusing me
of being unfaithful, you?

You compulsive
cantaloupe chaser?

I never made it with
those cantaloupe.

Alright then what was that
hooker doing at Santa Barbara?

He sent her to break us up,
you did, didn't you?

Did Lou?

Yes I did, I would do it again.

- How could you do that?
- I love you.

And I am now man enough
to say it to his face.

I love her and she loves me!

Is that what you came up here
for, a quickie before lunch?

- Is that what you really think?
- Yeah that's what I think!

Ah, well then, what's the sense
of discussing anything

with an infantile anal retentive
paranoid!

Oh, don't give me
that Dr. Climburg bullshit

I get the message,
with him you're Ms. Hot Pants

but with me you're
an ashtray wiping

over-analyzed dead
in bed virgin.

You asked me
what I came up here for.

That's still the question.

I came up here to see you, Les.

Because I wanted to give
the contract

one more chance but I'll..

The way I feel now,
if I wasn't such a..

...ashtray wiping over-analyzed
dead in bed virgin

I'd tell you
to take your contract

and shove it in you know where.

And for you that goes double.

- Why me? I'm on your side.
- No!

Wait a second? You can't
just walk out like this.

Look, we got a lot of time
invested in each other.

I admit sometimes
I'm crude, Katie.

And I'm-I'm compulsive
and I got this drive to win

that goes deep in me, maybe
that's why I'm such a hot-shot

on the 37th floor
and a loser at home

but Katie I'll do whatever
you say, I'll see a shrink.

I'll stop betting, Katie,
I won't be so crude.

- Maybe I can change.
- No, he can't change.

- That man can't change.
- I can change!

Oh, no, no, you can't change

change.

Look we're three neurotic people
who like to be something else

but it just isn't
gonna happen, alright?

So why don't we
just accept the truth?

'Lou, I'm sorry but you're
the perfect bachelor.'

'And you're the perfect chaser.'

I am the perfect ashtray cleaner

so why don't you two
just go play your Gin

and I'll go home
and clean my ashtrays.

I think we said it all.

It's a lay down.

I got six.

Forty seven.

[sighs]

Once a loser always a loser.

Look, personal and business
don't have to mix.

I don't wanna lose
the best lawyer in town.

Let me know.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[operatic music]

[gunfire]

[operatic music]

[groans]

[instrumental music]

Um...I, uh..

I thought you might wanna return
this to your friend downstairs.

Keep it, I got her
another copy.

Oh.

Yeah, we've been seeing
a lot of each other.

Huh, well..

All the way up to page-48.

Well, I'm happy
to hear that you're back

in such a good condition.

Well it helps when you're
catching the bus regularly.

Then it's, uh...a steady
thing with you two, huh?

Yeah, we see each
other everyday.

Really? Really?
How is Bermuda?

Who?

The doorman told me
that they're Martin's made up

and they're in Bermuda.

Oh.

Well, uh...I gotta run,
I'm late for work.

[instrumental music]

Les?

Oh...Les..

Best of everything, huh.

- Sure.
- Oh..

- What's the matter?
- Nothing, nothing.

Huh..

[door closes]

[buzzer buzzing]

Hello, dear.

Dr. Cronkheigz here.

And we just got an emergency
headache call

from Mrs. Migraine.

[sighs]

I don't think Dr. Conkheigz
has anything to help me.

Oh, yeah. We got here
a sure fine prescription.

One-former girl chaser.

- Former?
- Yeah, yeah.

Taken daily.

For the rest of your life.

Katie, I promise I won't chase
another girl as long as I live.

Ah..

You know you don't mean that.

I know I don't.

But Katie...help me.

I can't live without you.

Please...I swear it
on a stack of sex manuals.

[chuckles]

You are a very sick lady.

- I am sick.
- Yeah.

Now, I prescribe
that you go to bed immediately

with a very warm doctor.

- Oh God.
- Right away.

[indistinct]

[instrumental music]

♪ Will I take you dear ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

♪ Will I stay with you ♪

♪ Until we are old ♪

♪ Will I make it work ♪

♪ Best I know how ♪

♪ I will I will for now ♪

♪ Do I want you dear? ♪

♪ In sickness and health ♪

♪ Do I plan to share ♪

♪ The troubles and wealth ♪

♪ Do I have the urge ♪

♪ To make you vow I do ♪

♪ I do for now ♪

♪ When I wake up ♪

♪ In the morning I know ♪

♪ How I've been today ♪

♪ And I can promise you ♪

♪ That no one else has ♪

♪ Ever made me feel this way ♪

♪ But to promise is forever ♪

♪ Ever and my love
will never die ♪

♪ It's the promise ♪

♪ I will never change ♪

♪ As years and years go by ♪

♪ And that I cannot do ♪

♪ And neither dear can you ♪

♪ Will you settle down ♪

♪ With you now and cheers ♪

♪ Will I share it all ♪

♪ The laughs and the tears ♪

♪ Will I make it last ♪

♪ For ever somehow ♪

♪ I will I will ♪

♪ I will I will I will ♪

♪ For now ♪