I Was at Home, But (2019) - full transcript

I WAS AT HOME, BUT...

Nor earth to me give food,
nor heaven light!

Sport and repose lock from me
day and night!

To desperation turn my trust and hope.

An anchor's cheer in prison be my scope.

Each opposite,
that blanks the face of joy

meet what I would have well
and it destroy!

Both here and hence,
pursue me lasting strife

if, once a widow, ever I be wife!

Tis deeply sworn.

Sweet, leave me here awhile.



My spirits grow dull

and fain I would beguile

the tedious day with sleep.

Sleep rock thy brain.

And never come mischance

between us twain.

I might have a bike.

What's it like?

Ten gears. Silver.

Should we take a look?

Not now. I'll stay here.

I might need advice.

I have this jacket.

Hello.



This won't come clean.

I can't promise you anything.

Will you try?

Yes.

When should I come?

Thursday.

I hope it will come out.
-Goodbye.

It looks really nice.

It's in perfect condition.

And you want 80 Euros for it?

Yes.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

It's fine. I'll take it.

He's back with me.

He's back home.

He's doing well.

Flo, please don't cry.

Please don't cry.

Flo, stop crying.

It's okay not to kick him out of school
if we care.

Sure.

I don't get it.

Do you want him to go or to stay?
-To stay.

I just want to point out
that I don't think he needs our care.

We still have to react in some way.

You want to be needed. I see.

I want to be needed too.

Me too.

I don't want to be
more boring than my pupils.

Or you want pupils as boring as you are?
-Exactly.

Are we going to decide or go home to bed?

It's me. Am I going to see you later?

No.

Please.

No, Lars.

Lars?

Yes, I'm here.

How old is she now?
-Three and a half weeks.

Ying-Li is doing well?
-Yes, very well.

Have her parents been to visit?

No, it's all a bit uncertain.

She and the baby might fly over.

Or we both will, in the holidays.

Well see.

Are you honest?

My lord?

Are you fair?

What means your Lordship?

That if you be honest and fair,

your honesty should admit
no discourse to your beauty.

I did love you once.

Indeed, my lord,

you made me believe so.

You should not have believed me.

I loved you not.

I was the more deceived.

Yes?

Hello, it's Astrid.

I've come back about the bike.

I bought your bike.

Can you hear me?

Hello?

Mr Meissner?

Yes?

It's Astrid.

The bike. You remember?

Could you come out here?

Hello.

I've brought your bike back.

The back wheel gets jammed and it skips
from one gear to the next on its own.

The ad said it had been reconditioned
but it's junk.

Please take it back.

Mr Meissner, please take it back.

It doesn't work properly.
I bought it under mistaken premises.

can repair it.

I'd be happy to do that.

Mr Meissner, I don't have time!

I don't need a bike that doesn't work.

It hadn't been reconditioned.
You deceived me.

Voila!

No, I don't want the bike anymore.

I believe that it'll work now but I can't
keep coming here to get it fixed.

You won't have to do that.

It works fine again now.

But I don't want it!

I made a mistake. Mr Meissner!

If what you say is true
you can sell it again.

I've already removed
the advertisement though.

Put it back in.

I can't do that.

I need help

and my friend isn't here at the moment.

Your friend?

I'll leave you the new saddle
then you make a profit.

Where's the old one?

What?
-Where is the old saddle?

I don't have it. The new one is better.

It isn't junk.

No, it's not junk.
I'm sorry I said it's junk.

But it caused me lots of stress
and the gears don't work either.

Okay.

I'll take the time
to have a proper look at that.

Meaning

I'll make sure
that it works properly again.

No!

You bought it.

I know. I made a mistake.

I don't understand
why you won't take it back.

If what you say is true
and it's a good bike

you'll sell it again quickly.

I don't have your money anymore.

Okay. Goodbye.

I can get it to you next week.

Yeah?

I can transfer the money to you.

Really?
Then I'll give you my account number.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Fine, thanks.

Phillip doesn't know I'm here.

came here without planning to.

I wanted to tell you..

all of you...

I keep imagining you talking about him

and it's torture.

I know you have to make
an informed judgment, but...

that doesn't seem possible to me

as any judgment
is unthinkable or wrong

and I'm sorry I'm confronting you
with a problem I can't solve,

but I came because...

I don't think anyone can understand
something they have never felt

that hasn't affected them personally.

I know I can't influence your decision.

I came because I fear for my son
as I worry he will be treated unfairly

because this child, my son...

My whole life is in his hands,

as is the life of his sister,

although it's in my hands too, but...

it has to do with the fact he's a man

or is becoming one.

There's no word for that state of
becoming and being at the same time.

At the same time.
I see it...

I would like to ask you not to worry.

If that's at all possible.

To worry?

Yes...

I think it's stupid that I came here.

I'm not sure...
How does one talk to a radiator?

No, a radiator...

is something else.

I'm glad you're his class teacher.

Goodbye.

We're looking for Phillip.

Is that the boy with sepsis?

He's having surgery.

Hi.

What are you doing

Hey?

Nothing.

How was your match?
-I lost.

You lost?

Six to three, six to seven, three to six.

was pretty good
but the other guy was better.

I'm exhausted.

I understand.

I have to sleep.

see you tomorrow?

That'd be nice.

Hello.

Do you live here?

Only when I'm here in Berlin.

Because you have a bike, I mean.

I borrowed it.

She's lovely.
-Yes.

Good luck with the professorship.

Thanks. I haven't heard yet.
- It usually takes a while.

Acting is liberation,

and staging death is deliverance from it,
says the director,

thought what he knows is irrelevant.

That's why I think theatre
is the opposite of death in a way.

So acting, when an actor acts,
it's always a lie

because he's doing something unnecessary,

that isn't natural
but rather something he decides to do

because the director wants it,
the script says so,

or because he just had he idea himself.

But it's very rare that we see an actor
or dancer do what they really have to do

because, although it's not impossible,
we just never see it

and that's why I find it odd
to place a terminally ill person,

who knows, who really knows
they're going to die soon...

to place that person, opposite an actor.

The gravity that's seized
the ill person,

the undeniable truth
plain to see on their person,

contrasts so starkly
with the actor who only pretends,

who is a master liar
with every fibre of their being,

who sees it as their duty
to use their body to tell lies.

I didn't see the rest of your film
because I had to go

but that moment where the dancer,
whose only concern is controlling her body

meets the sick woman, who has understood
there's nothing she can control,

and is therefore much more "body"
than the dancer...

Because she knows
that she's going to die,

that she is at the mercy of her body,
that she is her body,

she has actually achieved the dancer's
goal of being nothing but body.

While the dancer tries with control,
actually the opposite is true:

the truth only reveals itself
when you are forced to lose control.

So the dancer is just pretending,
it's all pretend,

while the ill woman
can't pretend a thing.

I mean, in that encounter between them
you see how hollow and empty acting is.

When the dancer touches
the woman and smiles,

it's not two people meeting,
it's false meeting true,

false smile versus true smile,
and so the encounter means nothing

because false is always stronger

and one false moment
ruins the whole thing.

It's like food,
you've got a great dish,

but one false spice, or too much of it,
and the whole thing is ruined.

It's not a great analogy,
but do you get it?

Maybe you have to watch the entire film.

Yes. Yes, I will watch it.

I only saw the bit you mentioned.

I'm sorry that I got so excited about it.

Do you have much to do with theatre?

Not at all.
I hardly go to the theatre now.

But my children's dad
was a theatre director.

He died two years ago.

I understand.

What? What do you understand?

Why you react like that.

Why do I react like that?

It's your own personal truth.

The people... who are sick

got a lot out of meeting the artists.

For me, the dancers
and the actors are artists.

I get that.
But it wasn't a social project.

That's not what you were doing.

No.

I wanted to do it

because I was interested in the people.

But not because
I was trying to help them.

I'm not a therapist

But when you actually do it,

when you're working on a film
with other people,

then it does become important

how the work affects those people.

What it means to them.

Whether they have the feeling

that the things
that are being expected of them

mean something to them.

And that was the case.
There was meaning.

The sick people we worked with
confirmed that.

And that's something I sensed as well.

Those encounters, that physical contact,
were important.

Something new, something different.
- Yes. I believe that.

But that's a different matter.

But I do get it.
Of course it has meaning, or can have.

And that's great,

but if I'm just someone at the cinema,
then I don't care about that

and I don't like when a lie meets
the truth and makes it look silly

because the people who meet...

because the people who meet
don't share a common truth.

I think art, including performance art,

is always an encounter
between two things

that transform as
a result of that encounter

and there are elements that meet
but nothing happens.

Nothing emerges. They don't transform.
Like oil and water?

They can't mix. It's just theory.
You were exploring a theory.

You can do that, but then it's based
only on an idea, not experience.

Never mind. I shouldn't be so upset
because you didn't hurt me.

It's okay.
-It's an experiment

and I get that you wanted to try it.

And in your eyes the experiment failed.
- Yes!

In mine it didn't.
- Okay!

If you don't have a problem filming
an actor on stage like it's real life,

then you don't have a problem.

There are wonderful moments
at the start

where you show what life is,

like the amazing scene where the old
woman gets up in the morning.

How you did that is pure art:
it only exists because you did it.

The colours, the light,
the movement of the body,

the bed as a place where we sleep,
that we have to leave in the morning,

all of us, through our entire lives,

unless you live in the woods

where there are no beds, just earth
to which we must return one day.

That's why you already seek the earth
and reject the soft warm bed

so as not to forget that one day
the body will, without a doubt,

reunite with it.

But...

that's not what I wanted to say.

I assume you sleep in a bed,
not in the woods.

This encounter with the "artists"...
And you might as well call them that

though it means different things
to everyone as all words do.

It's amazing we even expect
to be understood,

yet words just come pouring out.

The artists meeting sick people
was unbearably bad cinema!

Do you understand?

I understood that some time ago.
- Right!

What did you call it?
Personal truth?

Should I choke on my own truth?

You don't want to be alone
with your truth,

you want to share it with others!
Although that's nonsense.

An opinion can be shared,
but opinion isn't truth.

But okay...

But I still think it'd be great
if you get the professorship.

I find you quite likeable.
- We'll see.

The others were keen, though,
as I'm sure you noticed.

Where are we going now?

Nowhere.

I live over there.

Thank you. That was helpful.
- My pleasure.

I talked your ear off.
I'm sorry.

Sometimes I think I'm going mad.

No, no. It was interesting.

Are you staying here on
-One month.

You chose the grey Berlin winter.

Yes.

Take care. And don't be cross with me.

I hope to see you again.

Goodbye. Take care.

Flo, you're not supposed to cook alone!

Mum
- Damn it!

Mum, nothing happened.
-I don't want you to turn on the stove!

Do something else!
Make toast or something

Do you understand me?
-Yes.

Leave it! You'll make a bigger mess

Go away

Don't act like you need protecting
I won't do anything to you!

Do you want something

Flo, eat if you're hungry!
-I'm not hungry.

Mum, you eat one.

I have to get this clean.

Leave me!

Stop it, Phillip!

Leave me be! Please!

Get out!

Out!

Both of you, out!

Out!

Get out!

Get lost! Get out of here!

When will I see you again?

Tomorrow?

What are you doing tonight?

Going to dinner with my dad.

Just the two of you?

Yes.

I want him to give me money.

For the app?
-Yes.

It's not much. Eight thousand.

Will that be enough?

For the time being.

What's it like having a rich dad?

Normal.

It is what it is.

Where are you eating

I don't know. He wants steak.

Steak...

You could..

We'll find something.

Hello?
my name...

Sorry?
-You can come get the money.

Get it?

Meissner, hello?

Yes. Sorry.

When are you at home today?
-Today.

Is the speaker broken?

The bike guy's giving me the money back.

Great!

Where are you going to get a bike?

You could take it back if he's fixed it.

You're joking

I don't want that bike.

Bye.
-Bye.

When in your motion you are hot and dry

as make your bouts more violent
to that end

and that he calls for drink
I'll have prepared him

a chalice for the nonce,
whereon but sipping

if he by chance escape your venom'd stuck

our purpose may hold there.

What is that noise?

One woe doth tread upon another's heel.

Laertes,

your sister's drown'd.

Drown'd

O, where?

There is a willow grows aslant a brook,

that shows his hoar leaves
in the glassy stream.

There with fantastic garlands
did she come

of crowflowers

nettles, and long purples,

that liberal shepherds
give a grosser name,

but our cold maids

do dead men's fingers call them.

There, on the pendant boughs
her coronet weeds

clambering to hang,

an envious silver broke.

When down her weedy trophies
and herself fell

in the weeping brook.

Her clothes spread wide

and, mermaid-like
awhile they bore her up,

which time she chanted
snatches of old tunes

as one incapable of her own distress,

or like a creature native and induc'd

unto that element.

But long it could not be

till that her garments,

heavy with their drink,

pull'd the poor wretch
from her melodious lay

to muddy death.

Alas, then

she is drown'd?

Drown'd,

drown'd.

Are you staying?
-Should I?

I have to go shopping.
-Stay a bit.

Right? You want her to watch?
-Yes!

Sit.

Excuse me!

I want a crate of these.
There are only single bottles inside.

Thank you.

Who are you

Get out of here.

Get lost.

Now get out of here.

Come on.

All the creatures in the world.

It's too much for me.

How can I determine between good and bad?

Aren't they all the same?

And then, in this mass
of senseless creatures...

a child.

One that only exists
because you and I wanted it.

It seems crazy.

If everyone's crazy, why can't we be too?

Isn't it enough that we know each other?

I'm scared of vanishing.

Then there'll be nothing left.

I'll hold you.

How much longer?

It's hard to believe you love me
if you don't want a child.

I understand.
-Do you love me?

I think I do.
-You think so?

How can I know?
-I know that I love you.

I feel that I have to be lonely.

A person who is lonely and has nothing.

When I see you or think of you
I feel loved.

But that doesn't alter the fact
that I'm alone.

Having a child wouldn't change that.

What do you mean?

There's a reason why we're here.

A mission.

What kind of mission is that?
Being lonely and alone?

Who does it help?

What does it achieve?

I don't know.

It's just a feeling.

How does it feel?

I don't know.

I feel it very deeply.

But is it good? Does it feel good?

Good?



I am steeped in loneliness.

In loneliness?

That's not true.

That's horrible.

It's a nightmare.

I couldn't be anyone's wife.
That's not my mission.

Stop talking about a silly mission.
-What?

You're convincing yourself of it.

Okay, you want to be alone.
But that's not a mission.

What's the goal?

I don't know. I already told you that.

I just want to be ready.
-Ready for what?

Lars, can't you hear? I don't know!

We don't have forever, you know?

But you think you love me.

Okay.

Come for the third, Laertes.
You but dally.

I pray you, pass with your best violence.
I am afeard you make a wanton of me.

Say you so? Come on.

Nothing, neither way.

Have at you now!

Look to the queen there, ho!

How does the queen?

She swoons to see them bleed.

No, no! The drink!

The drink!

O my dear Hamlet! The drink!

I am poison'd.

O villainy!

Ho! Let the door be lock'd.

Hamlet,

thou art slain.

No medicine in the world

can do thee good.

In thee

is not half an hour of life.

The treacherous instrument

is in thy hand.

Unbated

and envenom'd.

The foul practice

hath turned itself on me.

Lo!

Here I lie

never to rise again.

The point envenom'd.

The king!

The king's to blame.

The point envenom'd too!

Then, venom, to thy work.

Treason

Treason

O, yet defend me, friends. I am but hurt.

Incestuous, murderous

damned Dane!

Drink off this potion.
Is thy union here?

Follow my mother.

Horatio, I am dead.

Thou liv'st.

Report me and my cause aright.

To the unsatisfied.

Never believe it.

I swear it.

Here's yet some liquor left.

Give me the cup.

Let go, by heaven.

If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart,

absent thee from felicity awhile

and in this harsh world

draw thy breath in pain

to tell my story.

What noise is this?

So warlike.

Young Fortinbras,
with conquest come from Poland

to the ambassadors of England
gives this warlike volley.

O, I die, Horatio.

The potent poison

quite o'er-crows my spirit.

I cannot live to hear the news

from England.

But I do prophesy

the election lights

on Fortinbras.

He has my dying voice.

So tell him.

With the occurrents, more or less.

which have solicited.

The rest... is silence.

Now cracks a noble heart.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.