Human Traffic (1999) - full transcript

The Cardiff club scene in the 90's: five best friends deal with their relationships and their personal demons during a weekend. Jip calls himself a sexual paranoid, afraid he's impotent. Lulu, Jip's mate, doesn't find much to fancy in men. Nina hates her job at a fast food joint, and her man, Koop, who dreams of being a great hip-hop d.j., is prone to fits of un-provoked jealousy. The fifth is Moff, whose family is down on his behavior. Starting Friday afternoon, with preparations for clubbing, we follow the five from Ecstacy-induced fun through a booze-laden come-down early Saturday morning followed by the weekend's aftermath. It's breakthrough time for at least three of them.

You lucky,

lucky people.

Yeah, you.

Yes, you.

Fuckin' away.

Aren't you?
Fuckin' away.

Like you're late
for evolution or something.

Hmm? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Everyone's at it.

I know.
Everybody's at it except me.

The prince of paranoia.

You see, at the moment,
I am dealing...

with a monumental case
of Mr. Floppy.

And it's killing me.

Softly. Yeah.
Funny, isn't it?

Well, that's me, I'm afraid.
Stressed to the max.

A legend in my own ego.

But if you think I'm fucked up,
you should check out my friends.

I can't stop thinking about
my girlfriend fucking other men.

It's doing my nut in.

Every bloke she looks at
I think she fancies.

Even the thought of her having sex
with her past boyfriends gets to me.

Whether they turned her on more or
whether their dick was bigger.

It makes me feel inadequate,
you know what I mean?

Koop is the best of best mates.

He's an absolute craftsman, man.

We're gonna know each other
for the rest of our lives.

We're both as fucked up
as each other.

You know, I love his sincerity.
He's the coolest person I know.

Alright, I'm having a sub-life crisis.

I feel like a character on EastEnders
‒ the come-down version.

What the fuck am I doing
in this job?

I wanna go to college,
but I fucked up the interview.

When they asked me
why philosophy interested me,
why didn't I say something like,

"Philosophy is about
the meaning of life,"' instead of...

"I've been having serious trouble
trying to work life out,

and I'm now prepared to listen
to other people's theories."

Now Nina is Koop's girlfriend.

I've seen her around
the clubs for years.

A complete hedonist,
but totally down to earth.

No edge to her at all.
I trust her with my best mate.

Nina's the most together out of all of us.
She's an absolute mistress.

Why would I want a man?
They're all emotionally retarded,

egotistical pricks
who fuck with your head.

They try to control you
and make you feel like...

the whore of Babylon
if you wear a miniskirt.

I'm an independent girl who wears
lipstick because she wants to,

not because men find it
more attractive.

I'm fine being single.
I am!

Peachy fucking creamy.

This is Lulu.
She's a full-on club minx.

Major head banger.

We've known each other for years.
Some people find her a bit intimidating.

It's purely social camouflage.

Recently we became
clubbing partners.

And that has helped me get to know
the real Lulu. She's a pussycat.

See me? I'm quicker on the draw
than Jesse James, my son.

Eh, eh?

I'm sending smoke signals Tonto style,
you know what I mean?

I wouldn't say no to a girlfriend,
you know what I mean?

How nice it would be to drink the white
wine from the furry cup, you know?

I just can't be arsed with the hassle part
of the dating game, do you know what I mean?

I just ‒ Having a relationship just ain't
Top of the Pops at the moment, you know?

I'm having sex with music, mate.

And believe me,
I can go all night.

I met Moff in a warehouse
party last summer.

We've been mates ever since.

He got moved down here when his dad
got promoted to superintendent.

Now Moff is the biggest
pill monster I know.
I love him, but he's off his tits.

I swear on my mother's life,

I'm having the best time
being off my pickle...

and feeling the music.

You ‒ You-you know
what I mean, yeah?

Cushty. I knew you
wouldn't let me down. I knew it.

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, b-b-b...

Build it up

Tear it down

Build it up

Tear it down

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce.

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce, b-b-b...

Build it up

Tear it down

Build it up

Tear it down

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

God's having a laugh, man.

He keeps digging up these
social fossils from my past,

disguising them
as paying customers
for me to deal with.

Maybe, it's to remind me
that memory's overrated.

Oh, my God.

It's Karen Benson.
I don't believe this.

I failed the physical with her.
Oh, please, just go away.

Fuck! She's coming over.
Oh, fuck. I'm starting to shake.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Be cool, Jip.
Nothing happened, remember?

Come on. Act like an adult
and be false.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Here it comes.

Here comes the pain.
Hold tight. Oh, my God!

- All right?
- All right.

- Why didn't you want sex with me?
- I did.

I-I did want sex with you.

So what was the problem?

I was just terrified
of losing my erection.

- He couldn't get it up for the birds!
- The birds!

- He couldn't get it up for the birds!
- The birds!

He must be a fucking queer!

He couldn't get it up
for the birds! The birds!

I'm not gay or anything, I...

I'm just having
a bit of a head fuck.

- So why didn't you say so?
- I was a bit embarrassed.

Thanks. Bye.

See ya.

- It was an accident.
- Some fucking accident.
- So you just gonna throw it all away?

You threw it away when you had
your little accident with Yvonne.

- Fuck Yvonne.
- No, fuck you!

You can't just take the piss outta people and then
come back and expected to be Terry and fucking June.

Come on. I'm sorry.

Write a song, Tyler.
I don't care.

Good luck with your life,
'cause you gonna fucking need it.

This is the third guy
who's fucked me over in a row.

It's not you, Lu.
You're just a fucking arsehole magnet.

Lulu didn't enroll for a degree
in social masturbation,

but she's getting one anyway.

Matt and Luke are post-Goa-modernists.

They live in a canteen armed only
with their Golden Virginia and Blue Rizla+.

Yacking endlessly about that psychadelic clichés
and how being black is a state of mind, yeah?

Aah, and they just got back from Amsterdam.

and white-boy-dread posse.

Fucking space invaders.

- How's it going?
- Downhill.

Right, cool.

- So, how was your trip?
- Ah, well.

The theory of the 'Dam is,
yeah, life's for living.

So just sit down, skin up,
be blot. We chilled out
in the red-light district.

- Everyone's blazing away,
smoking trees of weed.
- Word to the "mummyfucker."

Our last night there,
we were sharing a skunk,

chillin' with these two
massive Rastas.

Nobody said a word. We just sat there
for three hours going up in smoke.

Nodding our heads to the dub
reggae that warmed the place.

The base line was so deep,
you could feel the
vibrations in Jamaica.

- Yo, what's up?
- Hey, nice, nice.

- Any new hip-hop, man?
- Yeah.

Eh, I got some smoking
West-Coast flow just landed.
Raw as botulism, mate.

Now, fuck that West Coast shit.

I want some hard-core
East Coast flavor beat.
You know what I mean?

Well, why didn't you say so? Fat beats.
Armageddon on the streets.

We're inundated
with the shit, "bra."

Eh, we had anymore hard core,
we'd get arrested,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, high.

Now Koop's on the pulse,
but he's a serious vinyl pusher.

Getting the kids hooked,
hustling with style.

This... was recorded
by a posse of crackheads
on death row, right?

So all them little interludes
of prison noises and that,
they're for real.

They call themselves
The Itchy Trigger Finger "Nigaz."

- The itchy what?
- The Itchy Trigger Finger "Nigaz."

Success with falling
in New York is amazing...

Nine Glock cocked ‒ cops?
Fuck cops, my block...

Execute, rip n tear,
prepare electric chair...

For the villainous, halfway
crooked crimes are silliness...

The barrenous with the venomous,
tantrums so scandalous...

Motherfuckers can't handle
‒ knock them like Rambo...

Still caged ‒ with strength to
go head-up for days nigga. - Yeah!

In despair as I'm sittin'
in this chair 'bout to die...

In jail a long time ‒
no lie ‒ can't cry...

A lot of things are runnin'
through my mind ‒ mostly crime...

My last request be one more
chance to say my rhyme...

I'll take that shit, man.
That shit is real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Hey.
Can't be missed. Twenty quid.

- Twenty quid?
- Yeah, man. Eh.

You know like when the price
of artists' work goes up
when they die, yeah?

Well, the price
of hip-hop albums go up when
the gangsters get locked down.

Hey, when they get
the chair, the price'll
go into orbit, mate.

- Is it?
- Look, it's going to be banned.

So I'd nab it now before
some other hip-hopjunkie does.
You know what I mean?

- Yeah, all right.
- All right, nice.

Nice one. Yeah, safe.

All right.

Any new jungle in, guy?

I've got the Tarzan and Jane
of jungle just swung in
on the vine this morning, mate.

I'm telling you,

this could turn Hare Krishna
into a bad boy.

Mmm! Jungle is massive in any place!
Make a disgrace!

Easy, man! Easy!

Cardiff massive!
Cardiff massive!

Ai! Ai! Ai!

Bounce to the beat!
Bounce, bounce to the beat!


Fucking hell.

Fucking hate this job, man.


We spend nine hours a day,
five days a week
incarcerated in this...

wanky, fucking store...

having to act like...

to any twat that wants
to condescend to us.

Do you know what I mean?
We have to brown-nose the customers,

then we get abused
by some mini fucking Hitler...

who just gives us stick all day.

What the hell
do you think you're doing...

just standing around
and talking?

If you wanna work in this firm,

then wake up and get real.

Now, tidy up the T-shirts,

stack the jeans and put them
in color-coordinated piles.

Take this as your final warning!

Now I take the corporate cock
shafting like the next person...

because I need to pay the rent.

But if you ask me, the Antichrist
has been with us for a long time...

and he means business,
big business.

- All right, Nin?
- Yep.

Nina's boss is a closet human.
He desperately wants to get into Nina.

He slides around the shop floor
fueled by the bad sperm
that pours from every orifice.

- You looking after my meat?
- Oh, that was funny.

- Well, I'm a funny guy.
- Yeah, you should have your own series.

- Come on, Nin, loosen up. I don't bite.
- You sure?

- Only if you want me to.

Fuck this!

Like most weekenders, I know
if you wanna play in the party,
you have to raise the capital.

But if you're religious about not working,
you deal. You deal for your friends.

Now, Moff is not a pusher. He's not violent.
He's never been in any scenes from Scarface.

He just soughts people out
with party prescriptions.

They're happy. Moff gets a free night.
It's not big business.

Next stop, Trixi.

- Trixi.
- Hey, Moff!

- Hard day at the office, Trix?
- I've been working my tits off.

I see, yeah.

What's cooking, muffled up beau temps, eh?

Not much, mate. Laughing at bus line.

- Do you want... Do you want any hashish or what?
- What is it??

- Zilla Black, is it?
- How much do you want?
- I'll take the finest-looking? henry?

Besides I'm kind only, I'm fucking
psychic, mate. But, do you just know why?

A little right there for a mistress.

You fucking want me up or what?
Fucking a what, that's just a tenner.

Do you think it costs a tenner?
Fuck, you know, Trix.

Oh fuck, you surprise me.

Can I interest you a
nanny, Billy Wally Wood?

You really know a man got
moistured, you know that?

Cruisin' down the boulevard...

I'm treated like some superstar...

You know the time so don't look hard
Get with it...

The ultimate homeboy car...

All you suckers in the other ride...

Wherever I'm comin' get you my side...

My 98 is tough to chase...

If you're on my tail,
better watch your face...

You gonna get yours,
suckers to tha side...

I know you hate my 98...

You gonna get yours...

I'm supposed to see my mum tomorrow,

but I'm droppin' tonight, so there's no
way I can deal with her on a comedown.

In and out, five minutes.

Mum! It's me.

I never knew my mum until I was 15.

I was moved down here
by the Social when my father
was locked up for fraud.

Well, he was more like
my friend than a father,

taking me out on the circuit
bringing me up his way, you know?

In Cardiff, my mother
had always worked from home,

which I always just accepted
when we lived together,

but now when I go and see her,
it kills me to see
how she gets used, man.

It's been routine for her
since she was my age,

so she's go no hang-ups
about it, which is cool.

And I know it's not her fault,
but I can't handle staying there long.

Especially if she's
with a punter.

- Hiya, love.
- Hi, Mum. You all right?

Yeah. Aw.

Aw, is a nice surprise.
I didn't expect to see you today.

No, it's a flying visit.
Um, listen, I can't make it tomorrow.

I've got to work, so I'll pop in Sunday.
Is that all right?

- All right. I'll cook dinner.
- Cool.

I'm with someone upstairs a minute.
He doesn't take long.

- Five minutes, okay?
- Um, I've gotta move, Mum.
I've gotta go.

Oh, just five minutes, love.
I never get to see you anymore.

All right, all right.

Some chocolates in the cupboard.

Yeah. See you in five minutes, Mum.

My mum can work through
a lot of men in a day.

Some fall in love with her,
send her chocolates. Some get heavy.

I used to hang around just
in case things got out of hand.

Any trouble, I'd be there,
you know?

But I couldn't do it for long.
I had to leave.

Sometimes I've got to stop
myself from running upstairs...

and beating the living shit
out of the man who's there
with my mum, but I never do.

Right, this is the score.
Twenty quid for a blow job,
fifty quid to fuck her.

Mind you, she'll do anything you like,
as long as you've got the cash.

She's got all the gear, you know, sussies,

open-crotch panties, peephole bra.

Fit tits, crackin' arse.
And she'll put on a bit of an act.

Well, they call it acting,
but she really enjoys it.
Know what I mean?

Fuck off!
Shut the fuck up!

Koop goes to see his dad
every day after work.

He never got over his last breakdown
when Koop's mum left them.

Since then, he's invented
his own alternative reality.

His world is split into those on his
side and those on the enemy's side...

who he identifies with
through looks and gestures.

His dad sends and receives
messages telepathically
through TV and satellite,

and he's waiting for a sign
that the mission is over
and his life can start again.

- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, the cavalry.

So, how long do I've got to stay here?

I don't know.

What did our side say?
Tell me the truth, Leon.

Look, I don't know.

It's alright.

I know we both can't talk about it.
It would endanger me, right?

It could be worse, you know? It could be
you among talking the fucking nerd kisses.

I would like
to propose a toast...

to the bird for giving her
Mac job the finger...

and for successfully
gaining unemployment.

What a fucking mistress!

Thank you.
Thank you.

Already feels great to be
part of the two million.

I'm looking forward to
sitting on my arse for a bit,

having reversed sleeping
patterns and getting into
some hard-core "Richard and Judy".

Go, girl!

Come on, sugar!
Show it to me!

Last night a DJ saved my life...
- Check out the booty.

- They want you, honey.
They want you, sugar. Come on.

- Listen, now. Go, girl.

'Cause I was sitting
there bored to death...

And in just one breath he said...
You gotta get up...
You gotta get off...

You gotta get down, girl...

Last night a DJ saved my life.

Koop dreams of being
the world's top club spinner,

but he reckons it doesn't matter
how well you can beat mix.

You ain't a DJ
until you can scratch.

Puff, puffin' Puff, puffin'

Puff, puffin' tha herb

Herb, herb

Herb, h-h-herb

Puffin' tha herb
Puffin' tha herb

Puffin' tha herb


Puffin' tha herb
Puffin' tha herb...

But he
can't scratch to save his life.
He just digs the fantasy, man.

Go on, my son!

So is your brother still
going out with you lot tonight, yeah?

Yeah, under the wing.

He hasn't dropped before,
has he?

No, breaking his cherry tonight.

- How old is he? Seventeen?
- He's gonna do it eventually,
so I reckon...

he's better off with me
than mixing with
the wrong crowd, you know?

- Just keep an eye on him though, yeah?
- Hmm.

I'm about to be part
of the chemical generation.

Doves, playboys, biscuits, barrels,
calis, clear caps, China whites,

rhubarbs, looney tunes,
New Yorkers.

Bang on it.
Larging it.

The full monty, safe as houses,
pair of trousers, what a laugh,
let's do another half.

Now Lee is Nina's little brother.

None of us know him, but he's gonna
take drugs with us anyway.

His enthusiasm scares me, man.
He reminds me of myself...

when I was at the beginning
of my ecstasy honeymoon.

Are your legs open,
you filthy little harlot?

- Is that you, Koop?
- Aw, fuck! Shit!

Yeah. Sorry, Lu.
Is Nina there, please?


- Hello.
- Are your legs open?

- Of course.
- Then I'll begin.

Girl, I'm gonna tie you up
and wear the mask...

With your strap-on cock
fuck me up my ass...

Your sexual powers
leave me drained for hours...

But I've gotta draw the line
at golden showers...

And, girl, you've got
the sweetest arsehole...

It's like a pink, quivering
rabbit's nostril...


What are you fucking like?

Superb. Thank you, sweetie.

Shit. You got
your party head on for tonight?

More so than Wurzel Gummidge
on a kilo of Charlie Chan.
But Lulu's not coming now.

What? Oh, shit.
Why not?

She couldn't get a ticket,
and she can't be arsed
because of that twat.

- Jip's not gonna be a happy shopper.
- Oh, fucking hell.

- Who'd have a ticket?
- If I found one,
do you reckon she'd go?

Maybe. If Jip brings her.


Hey! What's happening, man?

How's it going?
Are you sorted or what?

Hey, you're really cool, man.
You're really cool.

Eh, I know we've only just met, mate,
but I think I love you, man.

Eh, show me love,
show me love, show me love!

Eh, safe as fuck, you are, aren't you?

I can't fault you,
can I, brother?

- It's like them fucking rookies
back at Spike Island, man!
- Jip, Jip!

- What?
- Listen. Lulu couldn't
get a ticket for tonight.

Shit, man. Really?

- Do you know anyone
that's got a spare one?
- Oh, fuck.

Uh, I think, I think Moff did.

But I'm not sure.
It was a while ago.

Oh, shit, man.

I've got to get Lu out tonight, man.

I need to cheer her up, you know?
Get her mind off that twat.

When we hit the clubs together,
we're like Bonnie and Clyde,
man, way out West.

She's the only girl I've ever
felt chilled with, you know,

because we've never
fancied each other.

Nothing could ever happen between us.
I don't have to try and impress her...

or worry about
embarrassing silences.

I've gotta get her a ticket
and put a smile back on her face.

- Hello?
- Hello!

- Oh, hello.

- Any contact with the Tyler, the germ?
- Yeah, I get that prick the verbal post mortem this afternoon.

- Oh, respect, respect,
to the bird most, aye.

Listen, I hear you couldn't get a ticket.

Yeah, well, it's been
a lucky week for me, you know?

Well, I think that your luck
is gonna change, sister,

child of the beat, because...

if I just reach down here
and dip...

into my "Uncle Santa Jip
will fix it" magic box,

you will find one freshly cut
and preserved ticket
for tonight's Asylum.

- You got one?
- Ah, yes. Ah, yes. I certainly did.

Well, I don't know, Jip.
The batteries are a bit low, you know?

Aw, fuck that shit, Lu.
Come on.

Come on. Everyone's going.
Come on, Lu. Me and you, yeah?

Come on, you've got to go.

Lister, Tyler is a prick, right? He's a prick.
Do not go down with that one goose paw.

You know I'm saying to ya?

Anyway, town's gonna be
full of horny men,
do you know what I mean?

Fuck it, fuck it!
All your best friends
who love you. They love you.

They all want you
to be there, yeah?

Come on. We'll go
an absolute fucking ride.

Me and you. Absolute mayhem.
Come on. We'll take the piss.

Absolute chaos. What are you saying?
Come on. Yeah?

- All right! You got me!
- I wanna hear you say yes!

- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

See you later, babe.

Oh! He who dares, wins.
He who dares, my son.

Hold on a minute. Hello?

Eh, eh, eh, eh!
How's it going, you big
Cockney space case?

- Shut it.
- Listen, did you manage
to sell that ticket...

for tonight's
spiritual gathering?

- No, mate. No, not at all. No.
- Ah! Nice one!

- Why? Who needs one? Who, who?
- Lulu.

- Oh, sweet as. Sweet as, mate.
- Cool, cool.

- Matthew!
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

I'll catch you later, mate.
Don't go changing to try
and please me, all right?

- Yeah, nice one, "bruv." Yeah.
- Oh, nice one, brother.

- Nice one, brother!
- Nice one, brother!

I said nice, bruv!

- Nice one, brother!
- I said nice, bruv!

- Fucking nice one, brother!
- Nice one, bruv...

- Brother!
- Fuck off!

- Come on!
The weekend has landed.

All that exists now is clubs,
drugs, pubs and parties.

I've got 48 hours
off from the world, man.

I'm gonna blow steam out of
my head like a screaming kettle.

I'm gonna talk codshit
to strangers all night.

I'm gonna lose the plot
on the dance floor.

The free radicals inside me
are freaking, man.

Tonight I'm Jip Travolta.
I'm Peter Popper.

I'm going to Never Never Land
with my chosen family, man.

We're gonna get more spaced out
than Neil Armstrong ever did.

Anything could happen tonight,
you know? This could be
the best night of my life.

I've got 73 quid
in my back burner.

I'm gonna wax the lot, man.
The Milky Bars are on me! Yeah!

Calling all the crusaders
to the dance floor in green-light mode.

Disco queens,

club casualties, come on!

Let's join forces!
Let's hoof it! Ah!

But first a daily injection of
the late prophet Bill Hicks...

just to remind me
not to take life too seriously.

It's not a very popular idea.

You don't hear it very often anymore,
but it's the truth.

I have taken drugs before,
and, uh...

- I had a real good time.

Didn't murder anybody,
didn't rob anybody,
didn't rape anybody,

didn't beat anybody,
didn't lose, um, one fucking job.

Laughed my ass off...

and went about my day.


We are from weekend music live and direct
from the world famous studios, of course,

of Radio One here, the Essential Selection,

- Look to the magical elements, all go to make up
the golden thing we call the weekend... - Come on!

Who the fuck do you think
you are, you twat?

Why don't you come through
the door like everyone else?

Because I'm not
everybody else, fool.

Eh, don't make me, fucking, prove
my masculinity to you now,
do you know what I mean?

Masculinity, what?
Testosterone's flowing, bro, eh?

- Violence is inevitable, mate.
- Oh, I smells a glassin'
in the air, boys, is it?

- Glassing is it? Fuck you!
- Fuck you! Fuck you!

Mighty feet old man!

Come on!

So what, you want a mission
tonight then, or what?!

I'm all revved up, I'm all revved up. I'm ready to
paint the town psycadelic? pillows?, everything, man.

- Battyman and Robin. You now what I mean? Let's go, ain't shit.
- The only way out, right. The only way out.

Steroids, ketamine,
laughing gas. Bring'em all here.

What do you say? We'll do a fucking
armed robbery in boots on the comedown.

- Is it?
- Is it.

Come on!

- Hey, mate.
- Mate, have you seen "Taxi Driver"?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Hey, mate, can you relate
to it, sort of thing?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Fuck.

Do you understand?
You could be Cardiff's answer
to Travis Bickel,

on a timer waiting to explode.

Can you fucking believe that?
I mean, can you imagine doing that?

Imagine doing a Travis.
I mean, fucking hell!

See me, I'd have to take
a celebrity with me.

Someone like, um...
What's his name? Uh, er, uh...

What's his name?
Uh... British pop throb.

You know? Built like
a brick shithouse, he is.

Uh, ugly fuck.
Peter Andre. Peter Andre, yeah.

I couldn't just
shoot him first, though, mate.

You're having a laugh, isn't you?

Oh, no. That's be like
having the cream cake whole
without it touching the sides.

You know what I mean?

I believe it would be quite rude
not to torture him first.

Do you know what I mean
though, mate, do ya?

Thumbscrews instantly spring to mind.

You know, followed by an intense session
of electrodes on the testicles.

Yeah, yeah, a fucking,
uh, uh, a wire coat hanger
down the Jap's eyes.

Do you know what I mean?
Really fucking hurt the geezer,
do you know what I mean?

And finally,
a bullet between the eyes.

And it's time to say hello
to the, to the horned man...

you've been working on Earth
for all this time, Pete!

See you later on, Pete!
No one gives a fuck about you!

Fucking hell, mate.

- Right.
- Here, here.

Fucking good film, though.
Mate, ain't it, eh? God!

Friday night's ceremony is always...

to hook up in a bar
and wind up the weekend.

We've all got to try and get
on the same level together...

so we feel like a unit
when we hit the club.

The music we love brought us together
and so did the music we hate.

- The Spice Girls.
- Boyzone.

- Dannii Minogue.
- Aqua.

- Ricky fuckin' Martin.
- The Backstreet Boys.

- Uh, 911.
- Hanson.

What gets me, right, is that
these talentless wankers...

have the opportunity
to reach an international
audience, right,

say something profound
instead of...

"Oh, baby, I'm all alone
on the phone"

"I'm 14 years old
with a broken heart"

Fucking cheese
on toast bollocks.

Fucking embarrassing, mate,
ain't it?

Embarrassing to watch the
little fucking hussy fuckers.

She's funny, she's cool, she's gorgeous.

Oh, shit, I fancy her, man.

No, I can't.
She's my mate.

- I'm gonna piss.
- Get it in, my son. Go, my son.

Calm down. That's only a piss, man.

I am out of my nuts.
I'm telling you, we're in for
one fucking night, mate.

Believe me.
I'm telling you.

You fucking stick with me.
I'll look after you.

I'll tell you that now, you've
never buzzed like you ever
buzz with me. Do you hear me?

Oh, I thought I was just
gonna drop and have a blender.

What's all this shit
about mind altering?
What's gonna happen to me?

We believe that ecstasy
causes serotonin depletion...

and may lead to depression
in later life.

Yeah, all right, Doc. Yeah.
Fair enough. But on the flip side, Lee,

you'll feel an overwhelming
sense of empathy with people.

You'll be able to be intimate
with your friends,

talk about things that you never
felt comfortable enough to say before.

when dancing on ecstasy...

increases heart rate
and palpitations...

and can cause heatstroke,
resulting in death.

you're more likely to die...

from choking on a cabbage leaf
or an argument in a pub...

than you are
from dropping an "E."

Alcohol kills 30,000 people
a year alone in Britain.

But that's all right because
that's a good taxable drug,
nonetheless, isn't it?

Your penis will shrivel up, and
you won't be able to get an erection.

Anyone, who repeatedly takes ecstasy,

is punching the wall between
consciousness and unconsciousness.

In later life,
instead of reaching for the lasers,

you could be reaching
for the prescriptions.

- Yeah.

- Anyway, it's good
seeing you again, man.
- Yeah, yeah. Take care.

- See you in the club later on, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, okay.

- Nice one, nice one. See ya.
- Cheers. Cheers.

See ya. See ya.

Fucking hell, man.

If we'd have been
more honest with each other,

that conversation would have
gone a bit more like this.

- Fucking shame we had
eye contact when I walked in.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Every time
we bump into each other,

we kinda fall into
this groove of pretending
that we like each other.

I don't dislike anything
about you, but I just don't
like anything about you, either.

Yeah. Together we kinda surf the waves
of social paranoia, don't we?

No uncomfortable silences
as yet.

Yeah, well, not as yet,
but, you know, our luck's
not gonna last forever, is it?

Maybe it's time
for your Houdini impression.
What do you reckon?

Yeah, all right, man.
Uh, I'm gonna get
a drink from the bar.

- Yeah, and you're with friends.
- And I'll see you later.

- That's the one.
- Let's pretend we didn't
see each other next time, yeah?

- Absolutely crucifying
as always, mate.
- Yeah, whatever.

- Uh, look forward to seeing you.
- Yeah, like an illness.

- Don't get run over. Die.
- Okay. Die.

- Wanker!
- Wanker!

Friday night
after the club, yeah?

I got a hard-on,
so I ring one of them porn lines.


Yeah. My name's... Bob.

I'm from, uh...
from West... West London area.
What color drawers you got on?

I'm buzzing my tits off,
yeah? I'm fucked.

I end up going off on these,
on these tangents...

about me life and me aspirations
and shit like that, you know?

It's like, what are you doing?

Yeah, I'm a,
a b-business interpret... Um...

Ul-Ultra... I'm an ultrapren...

Have you got brown nipples
or just like...

What? You wear all... What,
you wear all black nail polish
and that, do ya? Fuck.

Next thing I know,
the old man's hitting me with,

"Who the hell you been
ringing in Taiwan, boy?"

- Who the hell
you been calling in Taiwan?
- Taiwan?

- That's what he said.
- Fucking hell.

Listen, 145 fucking quid.

- Fucking hell!
- I'm fucking telling you, man.
145 quid.

- Believe it.
- Fucking hell, Moff.


Fair play, mate, fair play.
That is the most expensive
wank I've ever heard of.

- Fuck's sake, keep it down will ya?
- Sorry, sorry.

- Sorry.
- Fucking hell. Listen, listen, right.

What really took the piss was
she was more Cockney than me.

Now can you fucking believe that, Jip?
Do you know what I mean?

Listen, now the old cunt's
giving it...

Yeah, I know you're sorry.
Yeah, you will be sorry...

'cause if in seven days you
don't pay it off, I'm gonna
chuck you out, all right?

That's nice, Dad.
That is so nice.

You lie in bed all fucking day.
You haven't had a job for over a year.

You don't have a girlfriend.
You're throwing your life away, boy!

And chucking me out
on the street, that's just what
I need at the moment, isn't it?

Don't give me that bollocks
about you're gonna throw me out
'cause it ain't even your house.

Ain't even my house?
Well, it won't be your house
in a fucking week.

- No?
- You're 20 years of age,
for fuck's sake.

You really don't understand
at all, do you, eh?

I haven't got one friend
that actually enjoys their job.

Each one counts down
the days till Friday.

Dad, I'm not ready
to become that miserable.

- Matthew!
- Life's hard enough, for fuck's sake.

- I'm still researching.
- Everyone's gotta work, Matthew.

Don't you understand?
I'm unemployed full time.

- I ain't got enough hours
in the fucking day.
- "Hours in the fucking day?"

You ain't even here in the fucking day.
And take this with you and all,

you fucking little...
- Yeah? Bollocks!

I mean, how many times have I told you?
Get your own fucking flat.

Get your own flat.
You need your own flat, man. Seriously.

It's a piece of piss.
You can get it on the Social.

Where am I gonna go,
for fuck's sake?

Fuck. I don't know.
What the fuck do you care?

As long as it's got a fucking phone
line, it's all right, isn't it?

Fuck off, you cunt.

I can't fucking relax.
Glad to see I'm not alone.

I really want to lose my inhibitions.
You know, be able to talk to strangers.

Break the ice.
But I can't be arsed either.

I don't need this stress
on my night off.

Britain, chill the fuck out
and then show me how to do it.

I think it's time
for a new national anthem.

You know?
One I can relate to.

Yeah, well, maybe not.

No, no, Moff, Moff. This is not
funny, man. Don't fuck about.

Look, I... Look, I just don't understand.
I-I had it in here. I had it in here.

Have you left it in the pub?

No, I didn't take me wallet out once.
I was paying with shrapnel in there.
That's why...

All right. Well, maybe
there are tickets on the door.

No way. No way.
Not tonight.

- Fuck. - I'm so sorry, Lu. I'm sorry.
- Look. Forget about it, it was a bad card.
I just wasn't meant to have it.

Fuckin' anticlimax.

This is not gonna happen, man.
No way is this gonna happen.

Okay, what's the... What's the owner
of this club called?

- Peter.
- No, it's not Peter.
It's a Spanish name. Pablo.

Pablo Hassan.
No way, mate.

- Pablo Hassan.
- No, mate. Don't even think about it.

- No, sweetheart. You can't.
- No, seriously, right?

Ten minutes. If I'm not
back here in ten minutes,
I'll see you in there, right?

- Ten minutes, it's all right.
- Jip.

- Excuse me, mate.
- What?

I'm from Mix mag.
Got an appointment with Mr. Hassan.

- Jip, sweetheart, no.
It's not worth it.
- Go on, my son. Go on, my son.

- I'm a bit late, mate.
Do you know what I mean?
- Whoa.

- Oh, no. It's not worth it, man.
- Have a bit of faith.

I've got an appointment with your boss.
Can I go in, please?

- Pablo Hassan.
- Listen to me. This geezer's
never let me down yet.

- I'm telling you now.
- He's not gonna get in.

Doesn't fuck about, does he?

Jip, what the fuck are you doing, man?

This is Pablo Hassan.
A complete schizophrenic cokehead.

If he reckons you're fucking
with him, his boys are gonna
fucking maim you, man.

Ah, but he likes to think himself
as a bit of a businessman, yeah?

Yeah. And I came here
to do business.

Hiya. Pablo Hassan?
Tony Trueman. Sorry I'm late.

- I don't know anything about this, man.
- No?


Oh, uh... My secretary
phoned here yesterday afternoon.

She, um... She spoke
to someone here, arranged
a meeting for tonight. 8:00.

- It's all news to me, man.
Oh, God. I don't believe this.

Well, basically, what it is...
Mix mag, yeah, have done
a survey of Welsh clubs.

The Asylum has been voted
the best club atmosphere
in the whole of Wales.

- Nice one.
- He's going for it.

Yeah. We're gonna do a,
a double-page spread.

I interview yourself,
obviously, resident DJs,

uh, some of the clubbers,
shoot everything.

Jip, you're overdoing it, man.
You wanna do it now, yeah?

- Don't blow it.
- Well...

Well, you see, that's the only problem.
You're not gonna believe this.

Just got down here from London, right?
And I've just found out...

my photographer was involved
in a fucking car crash
on the way here tonight, man.

What am I talking about?
It's nothing serious, it's...

- It just means
we can't do it tonight.
- You mean to tell me...

you drove all the way down here
from London just so you can't
give an interview?

It's all over, Jip. You fucked it up.

I know. It's...

For fuck's sake.
I'm sorry about this, mate.

Can I use your phone?
Someone's made a big fuck up here.

I wanna talk to my secretary
to sort this out. Cheers.

Come on, come on.

Carmel. Yeah, it's me.
Yeah, I'm in Wales.

Listen, what the fuck's going on?
I'm with Pablo Hassan now. It's...

Yeah, all right. Yeah, all right.
I don't wanna hear it.

Listen, has Danny Rampling
confirmed his set tomorrow night
at the ministry?

- Danny who, love?
- He did. Okay. All right.

Cheers, Carmel.
Oh, have you heard any more
about Scott's accident?

- What accident?
- Yeah, okay. All right. See you later.

Dizzy bitch.
Cheers, mate. Uh...

I can't do tomorrow night. Uh...

- Next Friday night?
Is that all right with you?
- Yeah, we'll go for that.

Nice one.
Sorry about the fuck up tonight, mate.
I promise we'll get it right next time.

- All right, Tony.
- All right.
I'll see you next Friday, mate.

He who dares, my son. He who dares.

Nice one, mate. Nice one.

- I hope he's alright.
- Keeping my fingers crossed.
- Sure he is.

- Sure, here he is.
- We're in. Come on!

- Come on. Where is he?
- Can you see him?

- Look here.
- Oh my God!

- You're number one!
- Mate. - What did I tell ya?

- What happened?

- Oh man, a heart attack had happened.
- Ah, OK. OK!

A dove, is it?

- Yeah, mate.
- Fuckin' lace, anyway?

- Yeah, a bit of speedy, a bit of speedy.
- Yeah. Proper as fuck, man.

- Checking out the bush, yeah?
- Oh oh, man, I'm checking out the bush, fuckin'

24/7 fucking' 3-6-5!

- What's your name, mate?
- Oh, save as fuck, man!

- What?
- What?

Your name's "Save as fuck"?

- What are you all about, man?
- I..., I asked you what your name was.

You've just said "Save as fuck".

- Huh, you're off the parade then only.
- Yeah, mate. Murdered, mate, murdered.

Inca Holmes.

Yeah, Felix.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah. Nice on, me. Give a spirit alive.

Save as fuck.

Hi, babe.

Wonder how
the drug system works in here.

Every club is different,
but in the Asylum, it's the manager.

He has a string of homeboys
dealing the pukka E's
to the party people in the club.

He makes the most coin
out of this enterprise.

His homies will make
just a couple of quid on each pukka.

His homies are also scoping
for other dealers on the block.

When the homies have
an illegitimate pukka "E"
dealer in their website,

they tell the bouncers.

The bouncers grip him,
nab his stash and kick him out
with a physical warning.

Gives the pukka E's to
their homies and they knock out
to the kids in the club.

What's your name?
What have you had?

Reach for the lasers.
Safe as fuck.

Hi, Jerry! We came all the way
from Cardiff to say hi!

Excuse me, girls.
Hi, we're doing a documentary...

for television
on the British club culture.

- Would you mind
answering a few question?
- Yeah, fire away.

Ah, great. Okay, Eric? Okay.

Um, can I start by asking
why you come to these nights?

Oh, I'd like to answer
that one, if I may.

Sure. Go ahead.

To get absolutely trashed.

- Do you take ecstasy?
- No, no. Well, we used to,

but now we just jack up heroin
and float around the club.

You take heroin
to come to the club?

Yeah, well, we never
used to, but then we saw
Trainspotting, didn't we?

And that just
made us want to do it.

And sometimes if we watch
New Jack City before we go out,
we smoke a bit of crack too.

We just seem to be
so impressionable.

Well, it's the youth
of today, you see.

They need older people
to show them how to live.

Yeah. See, we learn
from their mistakes because
they've done it all before.

- Yeah. Look at Jimi Hendrix.
- And Elvis.

- And Sting.
- Sting's not dead yet.

No, but he should be.

Oh, uh, sorry.
Do you have the time?

Um, yeah,
it's quarter to 1:00.

Oh, shit. We've gotta go.
We're late for our next hit.

- Hi, Mom!
- Hi, Mom!


Fuckin' piss-trickers.

What the fuck are we doin' here?

It don't go like anyone says.
It's not like it's used to be.

It's gone too wide spread.

It used to attract like open-minded people
who..., who were lookin' for something new.

- Yeah, yeah. And people were a lot more friendly.
- Oh, yeah.

Now, it's sometimes a cliché, right, to
talk to a stranger in a club for something.

This is essentive everyone's common together
and doing what the fuck they liked.

- And the more like people were over,
the more they've got fun it. - That's it.

- And now, look here. They so much more
playing down, I'm so cool. Fuck off! - Yeah.

We have lost the fundamental reason
for using the "E" in the first place?

Which is to leave the ego at the door,

and feel comfortable enough to communicate with
strangers. - Yeah. - You know what I mean?

Oi, easy, man?! Fff...


Ah, do you remember when
this was Tom Toms, man?

Tom Toms. - Highly, hi!

- Oklahoma!
- Oooh!

Right. I'm gonna tell you something.

If this ever spreads,
I will fucking die, right?

I know you won't.
I know, I know, but
I'm just saying. Yeah?

- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- You're gonna
regret this in the morning, Jip.

I am sexually paranoid.

I'm sexually paranoid.
I'm sexually paranoid.

Welcome to the '90s, Jip.

Seriously. Sorry. Go on.

Well, I kiss girls and all, yeah?
And it's fine.

And as soon as I sense
that they want sex,

I just make my fucking excuses
and I'm out of there, man.

- I know. It's pathetic.
I know it is.
- No, no.

Everything happens
for a reason, Jip.

Yeah, but this is not me, Lu.
Do you know what I... This is not me.

Give me an example.

- An example?
- Mm-hmm.

All right. Uh...

What had you been doing?

Well, I was stoned.
Absolutely stoned out me trumpet, man.

- You just do not look
like you're enjoying this at all.
- I know, I know.

- Listen to this, listen to this.
She's more experienced than you.

She's gonna see your cock soon.
Say she's disappointed.
Stop thinking this shit!

Come on. You're gonna
fuck the arse off her.
She's gonna love it.

Say if you lose it during sex.
I bet she's had some
amazing shags in her time.

Oh, shut up, shut up!
Oh, no. Fuck. Oh, it's going down.

- Oh, God, please,
please do me this solid.

Listen to this, listen to this.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm, I'm fine. Uh.

Just a bit tired,
that's all. Sorry.

- I've never had that
happen to me before.
- She's making it worse, man!

It was my fault. If it wasn't
for the way my head was thinking,

everything would've been fine.
You know what I mean?

That is bollocks.
We're not fucking robots.
There's no rules to sex.

I've gotta get up in the morning.
I'd better go, okay?

Um, okay.

Oh, no.

Now she's paranoid.
She thinks it's to do with her.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I'll, I'll
give you a call, yeah?


All I could think was...

Fuck me.
I'm impotent.

Oh, poor baby.

Come here.

The present has gone.

Fantasy is a part of reality,

and we take the brakes off.

We're thinking clearly,
yet not thinking at all.

And this feels right.

We stop trying
to control things.

Warm rush of chemicals
through us.

We're fluctuating.

Is this brain damage?

We forget all the pain
and the hurt in life.
We wanna go somewhere else.

We're not threatened
by people anymore.

All our insecurities
have evaporated.

We're in the clouds now.
We're wide open.

We're spacemen
orbiting the Earth.

Yeah, the world
looks beautiful from here, man.

We're nympholeptics
desiring for the unobtainable.

We risk sanity for moments
of temporary enlightenment.

So many ideas.
So little memory.

The last thought killed
by anticipation of the next.

We embrace an overwhelming
feeling of love.

We flow in unison.
We're together.

I wish this was real.

We want a universal
level of togetherness...

where we're comfortable
with everyone.

We're in rhythm.
Part of a movement.

A movement to escape.
We wave good-bye.

we just wanna be happy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hang on.

What, what the fuck
was I just talking about?

Koop is having severe trouble
adjusting to the love boat, man.

Everytime we go out,
he's always gonna spoil it for himself.

And it's painful to see
what's his pussy ahead through.

He gets jealous of men
even looking at Nina.

You know, he feels threatened
by any bloke that speaks to her.

Nina knows a lot of people.
I mean, she's a really
affectionate character.

But she's fallen for Koop
in a big way.

He's so fucking lucky, man.
I'd do anything to have what he's got.

But he's stupid, you know?
He's fucking it up with his male ego.

He gets paranoid
with everyone, man.

Shit, he even gets it
with his mates.

You wanna fuck her, don't you?

- No.
- Don't fucking lie to me.

You've been staring at her arse
for the last ten minutes.

Yeah, all right. Fair play, Koop.
But fuck me, she's horny as fuck.

I mean, I ain't gonna do nothing, am I?
She's your bird, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, that's right.
She's my bird. My fucking bird.

Do you understand that?
So stop looking at her.

Yeah, alright, Koop, mate. Yeah, alright.
I'm just checking around, mate,
like on the others, right?

Yeah, but she's not all the fuckin' others.
She's mine!

- You can't stop me
looking at her, Koop.
- How dare you...

imagine fancying Nina,
you cunt, Moff!

Hold up a minute. Hold up.

What are you, the fucking
thought police or something?
What this, what?

Listen, Moff, you can look at
any other girl in here.

Pick 'em. There's plenty
to choose from. Just not her!

Yeah, Koop.
I'm with you 100%, mate.

But, I mean,
how do I know the next bird
ain't gonna have a bloke?

No, no, fuck that, Moff.
Fuck it!

Because it wouldn't matter to
you anyway. You'd still imagine
fucking her, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Do you know why you know
the answer to that, Koop?

Why do I know that, Moff?
Why do I know?

Because you're just the same
as the rest of us, mate.

- So, babe, was it
fucking proper or what?
- I had a shit hot time.

Listen, there's a party
happening in Super Ely, all right?

- Yeah, I know.
I'm going with my mates.
- What mates?

- My mates.
- Nice one, Lee. I'll see you
in the wheels, all right, man?

True, man.
Nice, nice.

- I'll see you in a bit, yeah?
- Yeah.

Who the fuck
are those dodgy fuckers?


Virgin toker, is it, Lee?

No, you wanna stick with me, Lee. I'm like fucking
Ziggy Marley or something, man. I'm telling you.

No, I'm Ziggy Marlon.

Ziggy Marlon's in tha motherfucking house!

Sorted, man.

Workin' the fucking Herb man.

I smoked enough thai, weren't it be? Not
with these pussies, man, I'm telling you.

- Have you fuck! - I know I am.
- Man, don't fucking trip!

You're the one who's trippin', mate.
You've got a fucking kiddies lung.

See man, I was doin' buckets, see, when
you was a twitch in your father's nutsack.

- Not at all. - See, you idiot.
- Not at all! - See, you idiot!

- What you're on about?
- What you're on about, man?

- What you're on about?
- Who the fuck's on about?

- What you're on about?
- Well, I know who's on about, and you're on about.

- He's been smoking longer than you.
- What the fuck you're on about?

What you're on about?

- Your mother! Your mother!
- What you're on about? - You bumberclot!

Shine on...

Let the light of love
grow stronger, oooh...

Shine on...

You're the sun in my heart,
a flame in the dark...

So let the light of love
shine on.

Fuckin' hell, mate. It's like
a fucking video game, this.

Fucking lights and shit everywhere.


Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I know you gonna dig this!

Oh, yeah, baby.
Come on, come on.

Come on!

Now, I'm gonna take you on a guided tour
of the club casualties.

- So come on!
- Right! Let's do it!

We're all getting laid tonight!

Oh! Oh!

Fuckin' hell.
It's Dynasty!

- Fuck me man, Roni Size's got the fucking balls!
- That's exact what I was gonna say, man.

- Are you fuckin' takin' a piss, man?
- What?

- Are you fuckin' takin' a piss out of me?
- What the fuck's this commin' from, man?

Sometimes, man, I look in your eyes,
and all I see is fucking resentment.

That's pa-ra-no-ia!

- So who do you know, bruv?
- Every motherfucker.

St. Mellons Crew, Lanederyn Posse,
Talbots Crew, Docks posse.

- Oh bruv, I have a cousin on the Docks, man.
- On the Docks? - Yeah.

Cool gang and crew, they're smokin' ganja on the beach, man.
That's the fucking motherland, you know what I'm sayin'?

- All right, babe?
- What the fuck you doing to me?

- What are you talking about?
- Talking to that bloke in the club.

- You kept on touching his chest.
- Did I? Who?

You fucking know who.

Right in front of me as well.

You know, it scares me
to imagine what you're like
when I'm not around.

Yeah, this all sounds
a bit familiar really,
doesn't it, lovely?

Yeah, well, how about a little bit
of consideration, eh?

I don't want you talking
like that with other boys.
It affects me.

Look, Koop, I really can't
be pissed with this one again tonight.

I haven't done anything wrong.
You're just being paranoid.

Sort it out, for fuck's sake.

Would you like it...
Would you like it if I
was flirting with a girl...

while I kept on
touching her chest, would you?

- Only if she had better tits than me.
- No, fuck off, Nin.

Don't give me that shit.

You always...
You always...

You're always touching people,
aren't you?

But that doesn't mean to say
I'm flirting with anyone,
for fuck's sake!

I don't know how much more
reassurance I can give you.

What do I have to do?

Don't you trust me?

Answer me!
Don't you trust me, Koop?

Yeah, man, Star Wars
is definitely about drug culture, man.

There's no fucking question.
It has to be, man.

You're telling me, And.
You're telling me.

I mean, what was Jabba smoking
in that big glass pipe?

Come on! What are we, thick?
You know what I mean?

- It was fucking opium.
- Of course it was opium!
You know it was!

You see his tongue, man?
And that fucking tail!

Listen, listen, Han Solo, yeah?

He's got a smuggling compartment
in the Millennium Falcon, isn't he?

He's only an intergalactic
smack dealer, isn't he?

Fucking gets up there!

Listen, Yoda, man, as well. He's been
coming down for about 500 years.

- Of course he is, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He's fucked, the poor bastard.

He's used to be, you know,
really tall and handsome,
but you know, you know...

- What, like Chewbacca?
- Yeah.

Can't do it.
You know what I mean.

- Now he's fucking...
Now he's like two foot high...
- Yeah.

- and, and fucking pointed tabs,
white hair and hooves.
- Hooves.

That's what I was gonna say.
The fucking hooves, man.
What a comedown.

What about the emperor?
The fucking emperor.

The king crackhead
of the galaxy, yeah?

He's got so much
fucking hard cash...

from selling crack
to space junkies, yeah?

He's only gone and built his own planet,
you know what I mean?

- On drug money.
- The fucking Death Star.

- The Death Star!
- And he's sat in there
going like,

"Come on, more power!
More power!"

- It's like, you know,
and Yoda's like...
- Yeah, yeah.

And he's in
chilled-out land.

- Yeah, be suited and all that.
- Be creative, yeah.

What was I talking about?

- Huh?
- What was I talking about?

- What, just now?
- Yeah.

- Your dad.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, tell you what, mate.

Thing about my old boy is, is that
I love him and that.

He's always been there
for me and...

always spoke to me on my level
and that when I was a kid, yeah,

but I'll tell you what.

- I'm really worried about him.
- You're worried about him?

- Yeah.
- Why, man?


He thinks
I'm two identical twins...

pretending to be
the same person.

Keeps calling me Leon.

Fucking hell.

Yeah, mate.
And I'll tell you what.

He's getting worse
in there as well.

Those drugs they're giving him,
they're fucking his head up, mate.


- So, what, he thinks
you're two people?
- Yeah.

- Fuck.
- Yeah.

Fair play, man.
That's pretty west, isn't it?

Yeah, but you know, sanity, man,
how do you define that?

You know, how do you
define sanity, you know?

You know, who's to to say that,
you know, the people that,

you know, supposed to be mad,
you know,

who's to say that they're, you know,
just not tapped into...

- a higher sensory perception
or something, you know?
- Hmm. Mmm.

Into, you know,
a different kind of universe,
they're way ahead, you know?

- You know?
And we just haven't caught up yet.
- Ah.

Listen to this.

The emperor wants to control
outer space.

Yoda wants to explore
inner space.

That's the fundamental difference
between the good and the bad sides...

of the Force.

- Shit. Shit.
- You know what I mean? Fuck!

- Fuck's sake, man!
- I just don't know where it
comes from sometimes. And,

do you know what I mean?
It frightens me.

There's not a problem that I can't fix
'cause I can do it in the mix

And if your man gives you trouble,
just you move out on the double

And you don't let it
trouble your brain

'Cause away goes trouble
down the drain

Said away goes trouble
down the drain

I want E.T.'s to abduct me
from planet Cardiff.

Come on, you fuckers! Let's go!

You can't blame them
for not coming though.

I mean, they've only gotta
fucking check out the 10:00 News...

and check out all the murders
and diseases and wars.


Take me to a world
where the drugs are free,

the clubs have no gravity,

and every shag
guarantees an orgasm!

Yes! Two orgasms!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

He's a genius, um, Socrates.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah?
And he's given it all that.

And they're going,
"What? What, Socrates?

Man, you're off your tit!
What are you talking about?"

You know, they fucking thought
he was mad, you know.

And this guy, you know, he... he sped up
evolution of mankind, you know?

He fuckin', you know...
He was a genius, this guy.

They thought he was crazy.
You know what I mean?

I mean, they lock
these people up, right?

But you know, they should
let 'em out, man.

They should fuckin' put these people
in Parliament and that.

You know what I mean?
Fucking put them in Parliament.

You know, they're talking sense,
these people.

Put your dad on that
fucking chair in Parliament
and listen to that man!

- You know? Deal with that!
- Yeah, man!

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah!

- Fuckin' mad. Bollocks.
- I mean, you know,

we're not in hospital and that,
but we're not normal, are we?

Look. Are we fuck.

Oh, my God, look at your eyes.
Look at yours.

You're fucked.
You're sl... Look at that!

- Oh, my God!
- I'm fucked.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my, no!
- You're fucked!

- You're fucked!
- You're so fucked!

- No, no. Oh, you're...
- And look at me.

No, I'm all right.
I'm all right.

- I'm looking fine. I feel fine.
- Yeah.

- Little bit tired I'm all right.
- Yeah, well...

- Morning. Morning!
- Morning.

Morning. Nurse.

- Nurse!
- I need a piss pot.

- I need a piss pot and a pan.
- And a... And a brush.

- And a brush and a doctor.
- And some Haagen-Dazs.

- And some...
- And a... And a ho!

- Fuck it! Bring me a ho!
- Bring me all that shit!

- We gonna eat tonight!
- I need a normal doctor
'cause I'm fucked!

I'm fucked.

Are you my best mate?

Yes. I am your best mate.

If I told you a secret,
you won't tell anybody else?

No. Definitely not.

I can voluntarily...

perform a funny fart at any time.

God, that's disgusting.

- Do I want to show you?
- No.


I think that makes me love you more.

Now we've reached
the hour of spliff politics.

It's the time of the night
when everyone knows
who's got a spliff...

and in which direction
it's going.

See Casey in the hood?

He doesn't know Herbie,
the kid skinning up next to him.

But to get a toke, he's got to start up
some bullshit conversation,

and keep it going until
he gets passed the spliff.

Smells like soap bar to me.
Can't fault a bit of solid.

Now look at Herbie's face.

He knows what's up. He's just hoping
Casey will run out of steam...

so that he can pass the spliff
to his mate Felix.

But Casey's determined
to keep on going.

- I grows my own shit too.
- - He's got to be clever to get in there.

Just a few more laps to go.

Casey is doing well.
He's using all his best anecdotes,

and Herbie now seems quite engaged
in the conversation.

- Felix is trying to get acknowledged.
- Yeah, man.

Fuckin' homegrown.

Yeah, man, that homegrown shit's
good, man.

- But it's not working.
- Ah, I just remembered, man.

Millsy's coming down
next week with some Thai.
Go out and hoof it, man.

Wow, look at Casey's face.

Now, it looks like it's all been
a waste of time and energy.

- Millsy? Millsy from Roath?
- Yeah.

- But he counters.
- Oh, I knows Millsy
from down Silhouettes.

It's neck and neck here
at the last lap.

- Hello, my little space kitten.
- Fuckin' hell!

- Give us a toke on that.
- Boomshanka!

An interception!

But that's always
the chance you take.

Round and round the garden
like a teddy bear.

Who's your teddy bear?

- One step, two steps...
- Don't tickle me, don't tickle me.

- Seriously.
- I'm not going to.

I'm not gonna tickle you.
I promise.

- Come here.
- Where's your hand going?

I'm not gonna tickle you.
I promise.

Please kiss me. Come on.

I don't know
whether I'm reading this wrongly
because I'm off my tits,

but does she want me
to kiss her?

I'm gonna have to make
the first move.

He's probably
more nervous than I am.

I want to, but I'm scared.

If I've got this wrong,
it will be so humiliating.

You know, it's like
Vader, man, you know.

Bongin' really hard
with a chest like that.

And, um, R2D2 when...
When he's...

Remember that when, uh...

You know...
Fuck it.

You're a waste of time.

Jip, just relax, man.
Chill. It's no big deal.

I don't understand why you
can't have sex with me.

- Sex with me.
- What's wrong?

Are you okay? I've never had that
happen to me before.

There's no rush.

Don't be nervous.
You're with me, remember?

Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry.

And don't apologize.

Come here. Come here.

Well, what goes up must come down.

And down... and down.

Everyone looks ill
at the end of the night.

We've all lost
the power of speech,

desperately avoiding
eye contact.

Your new soul mate that
you've been talking codshit to
for the past five hours...

about the story of creation
or the fourth Star Wars film...

is now a complete stranger.

You can't even
look him in the eye.

The only thing
you've got in common now is paranoia.

It's coming
through the walls, man.

The children of ecstasy
aren't safe anymore.

We're no longer
all together as one,

but separate mental patients
that yearn to be ejected out of
this poisoned atmosphere...

to a warm bed
and friendly therapists.

Reality's on her way.
Where am I?

What have I done?

Was it worth it?

And by the way,
what the fuck happened here?

All you have to look forward to now
is unconsciousness,

but you can never sleep.




Do you realize, that you're fuckin'
karí stained trousers in this relationshit.

- Kari, is it?
- Kari Curry, isn't it?

- Kari, is it.
- Kari Curry.

- Relationshit.
- Kari, is it?

- Relationshit!
- Relationshit!

Beep, beep,...

- You fancy a piece of a dad, is it?
- I'm sensitive woman!

Minxing, slut, huh!

- One, two, put down that ninja star.
- Is it, is it?

Give me back my ninja star, because I'm
beating you with the fuckin' nunchakas!

Moff? I hardly recognized you.

Who says?


Reality is that... is it you?
Don't... Don't fuckin' wind me up.

Moff, it's me. Honestly.
Where the fuck have you been?

Reality, it's all... It's all gone
pear-shaped, mate.

I don't trust anybody
in this room right now.

And they're my good fuckin' friends.
I mean, Reality...

What the fuck is going on?
Wh-What's happening to me,
for fuck's sake?

Moff, you've hammered it
too much for too long.

Knock the drugs on the head.
Clear out.

We can work together.

You're a waste of time.

Go away.

Come on, stay with her.
Stay with her.

I don't understand why
you can't have sex with me.

Shut up!

Come on, come on, Jip.
Don't be afraid.

I've never had that
happen to me before.

Go on. Go with her.
Go with her. Move her.

Move with her.

Go with him.

Oh, look at her.
She's beautiful.

- Hello, you.
- She's enjoying it.

Let it go.

Come on,
feel what she's feeling.

- Come on, let it go.
- You want to be with her.
Go with it.

Let it go.

Let it go this time, Lu.


Steady, go

- Pow, pow, pow, pow pow, pow

No! No! No!

Fuck! No fuckin' way!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

No, no! You're fucking dreaming.
It's a fu...

Hey, bitch!

Wake up, bitch.

- Come on.
- Oh, here he is. Kickin' chicken.

So what's the news, baby pop?

Uh, life's amazing.


and celebrations
Cool it, tune it
cool it, baby...

cool it, babe."

Hey, welcome back
to the world of sex, mate.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Once more, I am a "fucktioning"
human being! One more time!

Look at him, ladies.
Live, ladies and gentlemen,
he's a star!

Eh, eh, eh.

What the fuck
was I worried about, man?

I told you, man, didn't I?
Overthinking of the stupid
little things, mate.

Mate, mate. Oh!

That's the story of my life, man.
It's the story of my life.

Oi, oi, oi.

- She, uh...
- What?

Did she, uh...

- What?
- You know.


- What we were talking about
the other day, mate?
- I'm not answering that one.

- Go on.
- No, no. That's disgusting.
No, I'm not telling you that.

- What?
- No. It's a personal thing
between two human beings.

- Fuck off!
- No, forget it. I'm not
answering that question.

Shut up!
I'm your mate.


Big time!

Go on with your bad self!

- Bitch!
- Bitch!

You dirty bitch!

No, I'm telling you,
it has never happened to me
like that before.

I mean, I've had that, you know,
sort of release of pleasure,
but nothing like this.

I mean, it just came out of nowhere.
I didn't have to concentrate
or anything.

And when it did, fuck me!
It was just like... Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Oh, it's the most amazing feeling.

Did your eyes go all blurry?

Blurry? I went fuckin' blind
for about 10 minutes!

And then he started
running his finger all over my skin,

and it went all tingly,
and I was shaking all over.

- Oh, it was fucking lush!
- So...

"How big
was his dick?"

Shut up.
I can't tell you that.

This big.

But it fits like bric-a-brac.

It comes out from the root
and then goes off to the side
with a little twist.

- Diversive.
- It certainly hit the spot.

Another kid dead from
taking ecstasy this week.

Don't know what possesses them
to take it in the first place.

Some children just don't have
the correct upbringing.

The parents must neglect them,
and they turn to drugs as an escape.

No discipline.
No morality.

No respect.

I just don't understand
the youth of today.

I just don't understand
the youth of today.

I just don't understand
the youth of today.

Oh, spot on, mate.
Spot on.

No discipline,
no morality, no respect.

- Some children just don't
have the correct upbringing.

Some children just don't
have the correct upbringing.

- Another kid dead.
- Parents must neglect them.

- I just don't understand the youth of...
- No morality.

- Drugs as an escape.
- No discipline.
- Die!

Yeah! We're just some
happy fucking sitcom, ain't we?

Perfect life, perfect family,
perfect fucking dining table.

Well, give yourself
a round of applause.

Please! I swear, sometimes we're living
on different planets...

because there is no fucking way
of communicating with you all.

Who the fuck are you people
anyway, eh?

Who the fuck are ya?

So, how was
your weekend, Louise?

- I had a really excellent time,
thanks, Auntie Violet.
- What did you do?

Um, we all went to a club
on Friday night,

and then we went to Connie's
parents' house for a big party.

- How did you get there?
- Jip drove us.

- He hadn't been drinking?
- No, no.

No, he hadn't touched a drop.

And, uh...

How is Jip?

He's really, really well.
Thanks, Auntie Violet.


- Who are they for?
- They're for you
because you deserve it.

And much, much more.

Oh, Jip.

Oh, they're beautiful.
You shouldn't have.

Yeah, I should.

What's for dinner?

Wait and see.


Listen. Listen, youse.
Listen. I really need
to tell you something.

- I'm off the drugs big time.
- No, I mean it. No.

I'm really being serious.

Listen to me. I've had my head
up my arse for so long,

all I can do is think shit.

No, listen to me. I... I'm...

Listen. I'm sick of feeling
like the advert for
a methadone program.

- I'm... I'm... I just, I'm...
- Don't give me that shit.

The only reason you're off
the drugs, right, is 'cause
you fuckin'had 'em all, man.

Future generations of fuckin'
dopeheads are gonna have
to toke your ashes

just to get high, you know.

No, no, I'm really
being serious, yeah.

I'm... I'm... I'm coming apart
at the seams, Jip.

I'm, uh...

I'm... I'm dissolving.
That's what happening to me.

I'm... I'm... I'm dissolving.
I'm... I'm... I'm...

What I'm trying to say is, um...

Another couple of good pills,
and... and that's it for me.

It's good night, Vienna.
I mean, I really feel I'm gonna, uh...

Oh, it sounds like clubber's comedown
chorus to me, sweetheart.

- Yeah, you know it.
- It's not like we're gonna be
doing this forever.

I mean, we'll all
get bored of it, eventually.

Hey, when a comedown
outweighs the good times,

you know the party's over, man.

- Mmm.
- I mean, Friday was a classic, yeah.

- Friday rocked.
- Classic.

But... I've definitely got
to take some time out...

to pick up the pieces, man,
and that's that.

- Yeah, fair enough.
-And that's... That's
what I'm saying to ya.

Um, the honeymoon's over,
Koop, it's over.

Uh, it's not fucking
worth it. I... I'm...

That's it for me. I've had me lot.
I mean, you know...

Youse do what you gotta do,
but I'm fuckin', that's it.

I mean, it's no more drugs for me.
That's my lot. That's it.

Drinks anyone?


- I'll have a pint of vodka, mate.
Just a little drop of Coke.

I'll have a bottle of Prozac.
Yeah, nice.

I can't believe
all this time we've been
going off with other people,

looking for the right person
and just not finding them.

I know. It's weird, isn't it?

I mean, anything could've happened,
do you know what I mean?

To change the events
of last Friday.

And it'd just be normal now.
It'd be just like...
We'd just be friends.

No! Don't say that!

I mean, you've always
been there, but I've just
never thought of you that way.

And all of a sudden,
these past couple of months,

- it's just been like, "Jip? Hmm."
- Mm-hmm.

God, man, I know exactly
when this happened as well.

- I know exactly when this happened.
- When?

Around your house, right?
It was about three weeks ago.

We're lying on your bed,
we're hugging, we're coming down.

- Remember?
- Oh, yeah! Coming down! Absolutely.

- We were just keeping it legal.
- Barely.

- Yeah, barely.
- Life is full of
fucking surprises, man.

I mean, like, a minute ago,
I was thinking,

"Fuckin' hell! I'm never
gonna have sex again
for the rest of my life."

And now I'm thinking,
"I'm having the best sex
I've ever had...

with somebody I've loved for years,"
you know what I mean?

And, darling, it's only
going to get better.

- Now kiss me.
- Darling,

I'm going to fuck your brains out.

Well, that's almost it
from me and my friends.

Back to mundane Monday.

I guess my point is,
I think we're all fucked up
in our own way, you know?

But we're all doing it together.

We're freestyling
on the buckled wheel of life,

trapped in a world
of internal dialogue.

Like Bill Hicks said,
"It's an insane world,

but I'm proud to be
part of it."


Together as one


Together as one


Together as one


Together as one

- This is a beautiful day.
- All

- It is a new day.
- Together as one

- All
- This is a beautiful day.

- Together as one
- It is a new day.

- We are together.
- All

- We are together.
- Together as one

We are unified, we are together.


Together as one

- 'Cause together, we've got the power.
- All

- Apart, we've got to powwow.
- Together as one

- We are together.
- All

Together as one

It ain't gonna be me

It ain't gonna be me

It ain't gonna be me