Huisvrouwen bestaan niet (2017) - full transcript

Two modern women and their free-spirited mother struggle to balance their private, professional and family lives.

Mom, where's that form
for the sponsored walk ?

-Why didn't you wash my sweater ?
-Do it yourself.

-Leave me alone.

I've got an editorial meeting.

I just want four minutes
of peace to shave my legs.

Why is the door locked ?
I want to do my hair.

-It's not locked. I never lock it.
-Mom, where's my rocket by the way ?

Good morning.
Aren't you late ?


When we're in there,
will you just act a bit normal, Jez ?

-I always act normal, don't I ?

You're always so nervous
around white jackets.

Doctors are just people, right.

I don't feel well all of a sudden.

Just act normal.

Medically, there's no reason
why it shouldn't be working.


Could that be it ? I had it when
I was younger. So filthy.

So maybe it's messed everything up
down there.

No, it all looks lovely.
And I see things here...

So what now ?


We've been doing that for more
than a year. How much longer ?

I can never tell when I'm ovulating.
Not really. I'm so irregular.

But I've found something.
Do you know this App: 'OvaCue' ?

It's brilliant.

You have to input all kinds
of things, like your temperature.

And then an alarm goes off
when you're ovulating.

Statistically, we should have been
pregnant ages ago.

Don't you think it's a good idea that
we check Jerry's...


No, no. It's far too early for that.

Do you know what you two should do ?

Have a weekend away, relax a bit,
go out for dinner, a bit of role play...

Oh, yes. I'm a pilot:

'Cabin Crew, disarm slide bars'.

You're the stewardess,
wearing one of those suits.

-Okay, thanks.
-Good luck.


Chris, really...
That woman is far too old for you.

Those tits are about
as old as I am, mom.

Bye, darling.

-Have you cleaned your teeth ?
-Okay, that's my cue.

Bye, darling. Be nice.

Hello. Aren't you forgetting something ?
Kid ? Day care ?

I don't have time. I told you yesterday.
Bye, son.

-Do your best. Don't forget it.

I've got to give my book review
today, Mom.

-Oh, good luck.
-What time will you be there ?

I won't. You're not a little
kid anymore, are you ?

I have to work. Who has time
for that sort of thing ?

-All the moms.
-That's those schoolyard mothers.

Yes, but they work too.

No, darling. Every Tuesday
evening, they all sit together...

and make bracelets
for that little shop in the gym

and that's what they call work.
Your mother has a proper job.

Gross, I'm covered in spit.

'Re-min-der, editorial meeting
half an hour earlier today.'

Shit. Oh, fuck-a-di-fuck.

-Good morning, everyone.
-Good morning.

You have been invited here because
the people at this advertising agency

are working on a campaign
about domestic products.

They would like to know how
'housewives' talk and think.

-I'm not a housewife.
-Me neither, darling.

Well, you don't have jobs and
you spend a lot of time at home, so...

I'm a wife. I have a house.
But I am not a housewife.

-Me neither.
-What do you do in everyday life ?

I give courses: mindfulness.

-Good morning, beautiful.

-sHave you been to the hairdresser's ?

It looks different. Nice.

What do you think of if I say
'bed linen ?'

A naked colleague.

I change my bed linen every two weeks.

Yuck. I change my pillow cases
every two days.

When you've just changed the bed,
right, don't you think it's a shame...

Well, you know, to...

-You know what I mean.
-You can always just put a towel down.

Be quiet.

Mine are hard as a rock and they've got
a laughing penguin on them.

Or Bob the Builder.
That's enough to put anyone off sex.

My God, what a job.

If we just got together tonight
and did a bit of brainstorming

wouldn't we get much more out of it
than this dumb research group ?

-I have a boyfriend, you know.
-So what ?

-Do you still do nice things together ?
-Really nice things.

-New skirt ?

You've got legs that go on forever.

Good morning.

Poop Shit Poop Shit.

Here you are.
Okay, baby. Bye.

Poop Shit Poop Shit.



Lucy ?

Got you.

I'm here. I'm here.

That interview
this afternoon is important, guys.

It's not every day
you get to talk to Chris Packham.

Chris Packham.
Oh, my son loves him.

And I think he's so...

What time, where ?

It wouldn't be nice to keep him
waiting for half an hour.

Victor, good luck. Okay, let's get
to work. Have a nice day.

Nice shoes.

Paolo... do you say, for example:
'haven't you got beautiful eyes ?'

Say it to me.

"Seus olhos.
Seus olhos são muito bonitos."

Good afternoon. We've been trying
to contact you for a while now, and...

Now isn't a very convenient time.

We have done a revaluation of your
outstanding debt

in relation to the underlying value
of your property.

It appears that the value is now
no longer sufficient

to cover your current mortgage loan.

-Yes, and so what ?
-Negative equity, Madam.

The mortgage debt is greater
than the value of your house.

The housing market is going mad,
so... Was there anything else ?

There is rather a large difference.
You can never catch up again.

And you also haven't paid your monthly
interest for the last half year.

I'm a bit broke.

But how long have I been
a customer of your bank ? 30 years ?

Surely we're not going to be difficult
for the sake of a few months ?

I'm afraid that we are going
to have to sell your house.

We'll leave this here for now.

Will you get in touch with
our Head Office about it ?

Georgie, I've just done that.

Last week doesn't count as 'just done',

How long have you been using
this cloth ?

Let me think. You were four years...

Yuck. Did you know
that within 24 hours

four billion bacteria
collect on a cloth like this ?

Darling, what a lot of things you know.

We're working on a new campaign for
'Shine'. Cleaning products this time.

It's been lying there for four weeks.

There are so many dirty things.
Supermarket trolleys, taps...

...swimming pools with all
those rotten toenails

and soggy sanitary napkins
on the floor...

Dog pooh under shoes.

-Good grief, Mar. Get outside.
-All right.

-And what time do you call this ?
-Yeah well, you wanted to do lunch.

-Coffee ?
-Yes. With a Gin & Tonic on the side.

-What ?
-You're right. Forget the tonic.

-Hello, darling.

What a morning.

Of all the things that you've neglected,

luckily Grandma's home
is the exception.

It's lovely that our children
can always still come here to play.

All those generations together.

Why not do some renovations ?
It'd be good for the value.

We're not here to talk about money.
We're here to talk about your sister.

So tell us,
how dit it go at the hospital ?

No ? What a shame.

Although I've never had the idea
that Jerry's particularly fertile.

-He calls her 'petal poo'.

So what now ?

'Practice, practice, practice',
is the doctor's advice.

Yes... practice.

Oh, shit. Right.

Shit. I'll get there. I'll get there.

Adverts are declining, online media,
unpredictable consumers.

Increasingly fewer people read
newspapers. So... Sorry.

I've been working here for 12
years. That's experience that...

Sometimes a fresh look at things
is a breath of fresh air.

-A fresh look at things ?

At things that people these days
really find interesting.

Like that rubbish about escaped cats ?

Here. A piece about
the economy of East Timor.

I missed seeing Billy get
her swimming certificate for that.

The deception of children
by the American sugar mafia.

Chris's team won the league,
and who wasn't there to watch ?

Margot, why do you keep bringing
your children into this ?

Because I'm trying to show you
just how professional I am.

I never talk about my children.

Have you got children ?

That's not the issue here.

Sorry. My piece about that new-born
elephant is in your mailbox.

Mom: Are you coming tonight ?
I forgot to tell you something... X

And where do we think we're going ?

Oh, I'm Margot.
I'm Chris and Billy's mom.

If we don't adhere to the 'no cycling
on the school yard' rule

how can we expect our children to ?

Oh, great.

-Hi, darling.
-What are you doing here ?

I wanted to know how your book review
went, so here I am.

You'll see it on my report. That is,
if you have time to read 'all of that'.

Hello. Hey. You've got the wrong
Mummy, darling.

Just let go.
Will you please let go ?

Darling, let go.

-Isn't that your mom ?
-No. My mom's got a proper job.

-Let go.

Sorry. He wouldn't let me go.

He always does this to the new moms.
Timmy, naughty boy.

I don't think we've met.

-I'm Margot. I'm not new, by the way.

I just don't come here so often.

We can't all hang out with
the loitering parents now, can we ?

Do you know that one ? The one with
a guinea pig round her neck ?

That's Trisha. She's definitely
the boss around here.

She's one of those types that would rip
the tiles from a Spanish monastery

to decorate her own kitchen with.

One of those typical
'schoolyard moms'.

Hey, my little darling.


I'm sorry. Sorry, I...

You two don't seem like a couple.
Well, you know, at first glance.

Trisha, Tim, Timmy... the 3 Ts.

Okay. Bye.



'Practice, practice, practice',
he said, didn't he ?

-We first have to get in the mood.
-Oh, darling.

Don't make a mess.


First take a shower.

What the fuck ?
What are you doing ?

Just getting rid of that tuft of hair.
It's so unhygienic.

I've just changed the bed, so please.
Lift your butt up a minute.

-What are you doing ?
-How long did we have to do this for ?

We don't have to do it today.
I was ovulating ten days ago.

So, let's see: 5 days and
then 2 weeks on top of that. So...

You can't plan true love.
Swim, Forest, swim.

Darling, something new will come along.

The boys will be here tonight.

Mountain biking ? We're going
to talk about the Ardennes trip.

Do you have to do that here ?

Dad, he's got the bleach again.

It's not like you have
to work overtime, is it ?

Guys with beer bellies in Lycra cycling
shorts that are way too tight

stopping every three miles
for a piece of apple pie. Sexy.

-Is Mom on her period ?

If you say that once more when
a woman isn't her usual self for once

I'll stick a tampon up
both of your asses.

This is my new job:

Laundry folder / brown skid marks
from the toilet scrubber / bed maker.

You didn't have to sack Andrea
on my account.

We're not going to pay a cleaner every
week when I'm at home all day, are we ?

But it's quite nice being a housewife
for a bit, isn't it ?

You can get your feet done.

Have you been reading the Women's
Weekly again ? I'm not a housewife.

I'm going to apply for jobs again.
And update my CV.

And in the meantime, I've got time
for these guys.

Great. Philip Roth. I haven't read this
for ages. Alain de Botton.

Ayn Rand, by best mate. I'm going
to have coffee with her, right now.

Okay, so the boys can come over ?

Why not ?
I'm going to my mom's anyway.

But how could this happen ?

You've got that 'super arrangement
from the University'.

Yes, that turned out
not to be so 'super'.

Because of all my expenses, that was
spent within a couple of years.

All spent ?
I can't handle this at the moment.

What expenses ?
Feeding all those men ?

I didn't want to bother you girls
with all this.

So I've taken out a couple of extra
mortgage loans on my house.

You mean on our house, Mom.
We inherited it, the three of us.

This house would always be in
our family. This is our little place.

Just how bad is it ?

How bad is it ?

I have to find a hundred thousand
before the end of the quarter.

A hundred thousand ?

The housing market is going crazy,
so that...

Your timing couldn't be worse.

Just when I have to start looking
for a new challenge.

Have you been sacked ?

Really ? Ah, baby,
it'll all work out in the end.

Now that's comforting to know.

Let's just say, purely hypothetically,
that it doesn't all work out in the end.

Calm down a bit, guys.

Mom, there's no need to come
with us.

-There's no need to shout.
-You don't have to come.

I heard you. But for years you
complained that I was never there.

Now I can come along
and now you don't want me to.

-Bug bag.
-What ?

My bug bag. For my jacket.
I put it in the wash.

Oh, that rag ?

Was it a bug bag ? I thought it was
another of those sewing creations.

I took a photo of it and threw it away.
I'm sorry.

-Stupid of me.
-Why ?

-Love you.
-Difficult morning ?

Oh, man.


You've got something there.

Oh, I know,
but this is the latest trend.

You're looking very toned.
Have you joined a gym ?

"If you aren't on your period yet,
this is good news."

"To Jez: Jez, I think we've done it.
Test tonight. X."

Georgie. Would you come with me ?
Now ?

Aren't you Chuck and Benny's mom ?

-Chris and Billy.
-That's what I said.

-Have you got a minute ?
-I'm out of here.

Actually, I'm very busy at the moment,
what with being in the rat race.

It's work, I have to update my CV
and all that stuff. So, I'm a bit busy.

Is it something with the children ?

Oh, okay. Sorry... Chris.

He's just going through
a 'breast' phase at the moment.

I can understand it.
They look lovely, you know.

You can hardly tell.
I thought about having it done myself.

But they say it feels like
a kind of memory foam...


No. Oh, no. No. My children
don't have lice.

Otherwise I would have them too,
right ? You can check.

You can check.

I go crazy taking part in all
of those lice raids.

I'm constantly lathering the children
up with that disgusting shampoo.

Ah, shit.

I have something to discuss
that I only want to share with you.

And Dominic.


We make sure that people find
our clients' products to be nicer...

...friendlier, funnier than
their competition's products.

We seduce people.

And if it was up to me, we would
be doing that for a very long time.

But... ?

Shine is looking for a new
advertising agency.

What ? Then we may as well
shut up shop.

We, and two other agencies have
to make a proposal

for a new marketing and communication
approach for all their home products.

Whoever has the best idea, wins the
client. In our case, gets to keep it.

We've just interviewed
a consumer panel for them.

They want a 'total concept'.

You will both have the chance
to come up with an idea.

The one that wins will get
to present it to the client.

Is that clear ?

One more thing: the one that manages
to keep Shine as a customer

stands a good chance of becoming
a Partner at Daily.

That means 5 percent of the turnover.

You can easily make
a hundred thousand.

Sorry, darling.

Hi, Aunty Georgie.
She's just massaging my father

and her hands are covered
in that white sticky stuff...

Give that to me. Hi.

Mar, I think we're going to keep
our house.

I'm busy with an internal pitch for a
manufacturer of cleaning products.

Haven't you got a sexy job.

I just have to beat a slimy
little creep to it.

Were you talking to me ?

Georgie ?

Georgie ?

Am I supposed to hear this,
or should I hang up ?

I can beat that creep.

Sorry, darling.

Oh, no. Shit.

False alarm. I'm working overtime."

Have a nice evening.

You have to go in a certain direction,
but don't worry too much.

Just go with the flow...

Currently: Journalist.

Here's what I have to say to you:

Accept who you are.
Fate had this in store for you.

It's such a shame
we don't have more time.

In that time
we can't help very many people...

Currently: Housewife.

Okay, where do I begin ?
First I wash the curtains.

Yes, there are people who do that.
Where are the washing instructions ?

Of course, curtains don't come
with washing instructions.

Jesus, those windows are filthy.
Remind me how you wash windows.

White spirit and a chamois
leather cloth ?

Where is the chamois leather cloth ?

Shit, I'm out of white spirit. Vodka.

That's about the same as
white spirit, isn't it ?

Screwed up newspaper
also does the job.

Oh my, that rug has to go
to the dry cleaner's.

You can see that now that
the curtains are down.

I'll just roll the rug up,
out of the way. God damn it.

Oh, it's my turn to wash
the playgroup's Lego.

All those years of labor and studying
and you end up in a bath full of Lego.

Currently: Housewife.

Currently: Journalist.

Do you have a clean pillow case ?
One that's still in the packaging ?

Yes, sure.

-A bit hard.

-You sink right into it, don't you ?

-This is handy.

Congratulations. You've got
yourselves a new box spring.

It won't be long before it arrives
and then you guys will sleep well.

-We'll just have another look around.
-No problem.

Come with me.

Come on.

This one.

When I was working, there was also
dirty washing everywhere

but I didn't give a toss. A hot wash ?
It's really not done anymore.

No wonder
that those lice survive everything.

You need to get back to work.
Start your own business.

What should I write about then ?
Confessions of a schoolyard mom ?

No-one's sitting waiting for that.

And how are things going for you ?
Can I start knitting bootees ?

We are doing it so often.
I can't keep this up any longer.

You haven't been at it that long,
have you ?

1 year, 4 months and 27 days.

-That long ?
-And the eggs are for you, Madam.

The doctor said we had to practice,
practice, practice.

Then, 'at a much later stage' we may
have Jerry's 'contribution' checked out.

-'Contribution ?'
-Yes, his...

Oh, his semen. Shouldn't they
have tested that by now ?

What century is that doctor from ?

You aren't going
to wait any longer, are you ?

You have to get that semen tested.
That's the problem, I'm convinced.

-Jerry needs to be convinced.
-He should stop moaning.

You want a baby, don't you ?

Mar, that whole pregnancy thing,
right... isn't it a bit 'dirty' ?

Something growing inside you.

Just the word alone: 'pla-cen-ta'.

You just turn into an animal.
Your body takes you over.

But once you've got that baby
in your arms...

That also goes back to the way it was,
by the way.

When I'm shaving to remove
the Black Forest down there

there's always that one child
who jumps on my back.

I walked around with Band Aids
on my privates for three weeks.

But I wouldn't miss them for the world.

When they're sick, but then
really sick, burning up a fever

that sort of sick, then I get so
much pleasure from them.

A restless child snuggling up to you
the whole day. Like a little furnace.

Just you make sure that Jerry gets
that love potion tested

and in the meantime you can
concentrate on your pitch. Agree ?


Here's to the semen.

This is a bug bag.
It says so.

Just how many Daddy Days
do you have ?

'Daddy Days' ? You can hardly call
them that anymore.

-Is that no longer allowed ?

Bye, darling.

Doesn't that make you feel 'useless' ?

It looks like you'll be alone in
the library tomorrow. Sarah's ill.

Oh, if you need someone,
I could help out.

But you work, don't you ?

Yes, but I've just started
my own business, so I'm flexible.

-What do you do ?
-I've started a weblog. I write.

It shows, I think. It looks like you're
feeling much better about yourself.

There's a bit too much of me to feel
better about.

Only you can do something about that.
Come to the Bootcamp with us tomorrow.

You'll just have time before
the library.

-'Exercise' ?

I'll add you to our 'Exercise'
group chat. Have you got a car ?

-Yes, we...
-How many seats ?

You can always squeeze six in.

So I'll get you straight onto
the group chats for Transport

to Hockey, Horse Riding,
Dancing and Swimming.

-That last one we call 'Splash'.

Your children always ride along with us.

Now you can take your turn.
Isn't that great ?

See you tomorrow morning.
11 o'clock in the park.

I'll see you at 2 o'clock
in the library. Right ?

And I thought I had nothing to do.

Haven't you brought anything along ?

Okay, guys. Half time.

From research done at Cambridge
University it appears...

...that a prostitute is less ashamed to
admit to what she does for a living

than a housewife. The 'Housewife'
as we know her is dead.

Yet, the market for household
products in the Netherlands alone...

That's it so far.

So, what is your idea ?

-Well, that's the next step.

Well, you've got some time left.

The ShowerPower.

You know those coffee machines
that use cups ? Or pads ?

Well that, but then for the shower.

You open the shower head, put a pad in,
shower and lather up.

-That is...
-Very good.

With scents such as 'Sleep Well',
'Spring Fresh'...

'Eucalyptus' for if you have a cold...

Research tells us that bath
and shower products...

Excellent, Dom. Work on it.

And Georgie, are you first going
to come up with an idea ?

Just a couple of days to go

and then you'll be presenting
this to your colleagues.

-I've got you.

Well, work with me then.

Mar, could you fetch me a nice bowl
of soup ?

-Soup ?

Thank you.

Men when they're sick.
What's that all about ?

Mar, newspaper. Mar ?

Hi, darling. What's wrong with you ?
Not feeling well ?


Which ear ? Both of them.

Sore throat.

Dizzy too.

Your back.

Daddy can't reach his glasses.

Very unpleasant, darling.

Just have a nice
early night tonight.

You're home already ?

No, in the supermarket.

In the supermarket.

Are women just more used to pain,
or something ?

Exfoliating, waxing, giving birth,
underwired bras, high heels...

No matter what, if a man's ill,
there's only one thing to do:


Soup ?

Are you nervous ?

No. Each and every one of them
is a champion.


Margot. Hello.

-Cliff, Marsha, Marsha, Cliff.
-Mar... Hello.

Jerry, is everything okay ?

Take your time.
They're only going to test it.

I don't have to be back
in the office for another 30 minutes.


It's not working.
Come here a minute.

-Four... Come on.
-I'm doing something wrong.

-Oh, like this.
-...three, four...

...six, seven, eight...

-This one I can do.
-...three, four...

Marsha, get in there.
Five, six...

Hold on. Sit down.

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I am your purser on this flight today.

On behalf of your captain,
Jerry Brown and his crew...

...I would like to wish you a very warm
welcome on board this Boeing 737.

Please note that smoking is not allowed
on this flight...

-No, it's not allowed.
-It's not allowed.

Oh, no... I really have
to take this. Just a second.

Hugo. Right. No...

No. Yes, of course. That's right.

It can happen.

Take it home with you.
It has to go in this little pot.

-Just bring it in tomorrow.
-Is that allowed ? Okay.

-It's just that... I slept really badly.
-Of course. We'll see you tomorrow.



-Good job, ladies. I'm proud of you.
-See you tomorrow.

Bye, Marsha.

Were you paying attention ?

One more time. Like this.

You have to do this. F12.
Select. Were you watching ?

I'm sorry. Right...

Good morning.

Hey, if you go and...

...then I'll take it with me.

What ?

Little pot ? Good luck.

All right then.


-Really ?

-The pot.
-What ?

-The pot.
-Oh, the pot.

Shit. It's still in the car.

Right by the door.

I think.

Good morning. Do you have a valid
handicapped parking permit ?

Do you want to give a statement ?

Hey, Georgie.

Hey, Dom.

What's the matter with you ? Have you
lost your supermarket loyalty card ?

No, my semen.

I've only got a couple more days
before the internal presentation

and I haven't got an idea yet. Dominic
is acting as if he's already won...

-Dominic was... ?
-That slimy creep from work.

And Jerry can't come in a pot.

Why is it that for me even 'normal'
isn't normal ?

-Because normal is boring.
-You are so much like Mom, you know ?

The two of you think different
is exciting. I just want 'normal'.

I just want to be a 'normal' mom. With
one mom and one dad at the camp site.

Not with a whole group
at a nudist camp in Belgium

where we shaved the dog naked
or he 'wouldn't fit in'.

You know what I wanted ? I wanted
a Barbie doll and what did I get ?

An anthroposophical cuddly toy
from the recycling store

that was still covered
in another kid's snot.

That 'different' suits you, but not me.
I just want 'normal'.

You feel at home
no matter where you are.

Not really. I certainly don't feel
right being a schoolyard mom.

I try to join in but I'm shit at it.

Do you know what I did all last week ?
I organized Chris's birthday party.

What are you going to do ?

A paintball hunt. Hunting someone
wearing a bear costume.

-I'm still looking for someone.
-Yeah, right.

This is what my days are like.

You're working for yourself now,
aren't you ?

My weblog has two followers:
Harry and me.

I can't work from home. Those wretched
study days. They're home all the time.

The only place where I can work
is on the toilet.

With the door locked
and the light out.

Otherwise the children
see the light under the door.

What's this ?

Just something silly I started
for a newspaper article.

'How fantastic it is that I am
now a housewife.

Especially for the other members
of my family.

They must think that they live
in an enchanted house.

They put a plate on the worktop, turn
around, and it's in the dishwasher.

Dirty underpants on the floor.
Off to work.

Home again. Underpants washed
and folded in the closet.

How is that possible ?
Brown skid marks in the toilet

toothpaste in the sink,
hairs in the shower ?

Just watch Netflix, come back and
everything is clean and shiny again.

-It's a bit...
-I love you.

-Margot speaking.
-Hello, Tim here.

I've signed you up
for the Parents' Committee.

You've got more time and we could do
with someone with fresh ideas...

Me and fresh ideas ?

'Dirty underpants on the floor.
Off to work.

Home again. Underpants washed
and folded in the closet.

Brown skid marks in the toilet,
toothpaste in the sink,

hairs in the shower ?

Just watch Netflix, come back and
everything is clean and shiny again.'

Take a look at the following pictures.

Good afternoon. We at Daily want
to keep the Shine account.

The question is:
which concept will secure this ?

Dom... Go ahead.

Yeah, right.

The Parents' Committee is very
important for a school like this.


Right. Of course.

Look at this.

So you've got Engelbert Humperdinck ?

It's a bit of a guilty pleasure.

What is there to be guilty about.

Which of you would
call yourself a housewife ?

No-one ? House husband ?

Exactly. But who's going to
do the daily chores ?

My mother.

Wasn't that fabulous

when you had a mother who sorted
everything out for you.

I had a Grandma like that.
Granny Annie.

At her house everything smelled fresh.

It always smelled of clean laundry
and apples and cinnamon.

I felt relaxed there,

instead of arguing about
who should empty the dishwasher.

Try and find a woman like that today.

They have better things to do.
Live life, for example.

But if there are no housewives anymore
to clear up after you

maybe your house
should do it for you.

A house that looks after you.

By combining all kinds of new technical
gadgets in one house.

A house where there is time to...
be happy.

That's a total concept.

So we are introducing
'Happy Home'.

Vacuuming ?

Whilst we are sleeping, vents
in the walls suck everything away.

Cutlery that peeps
if you eat too quickly.

That's right up your street.

Your toilet will soon automatically
test your urine...

so you get a text message if you have
the start of a bladder infection.

Will it tell you if you're pregnant ?

Yes, if you're pregnant... Yes.

Oh, and ladies, if your partner
doesn't sit down to have a pee

he's given a little shock
to remind him.

That was a joke.

But in the end you'll have a house

that you can confidently
hand over the reins to.

That's happiness.
That's Happy Home.

We've got less than two weeks to go.
How are we going to keep Shine ?

Who votes for Dominic's concept ?

And who votes for Georgie's ?

You can hear for yourself.

I would like you to include Dominic's
ShowerPower idea in your story.

We'll show all those other agencies
how to secure a client. Won't we ?

Congratulations, little lady.
Good concept. Very nice.

Thanks. I wouldn't have minded
seeing a bit more of your show.

Really ? Okay. Nice.

Next time we'll get round
to what was on the agenda.

That's a promise.

Went so well. See you at Mom's ?"

I have to go. So...

Money problems, money problems...

I can't do it.
-Give me the bottle.

Ready ?

Two, one...

Oh, dear, here it comes.

That's great news, Georgie.

-Chin chin.
-Bottoms up.

Petal Poo.

What are you doing ?

Practicing ?

With her ? For real ?

-You didn't come.
-And did you come ?

I had my big presentation today
for my colleagues, remember ?

How stupid of me, of course you don't
remember. You were far too busy.

Maybe we should just forget it.

The only thing you have to do is come
into a pot and you can't even do that.

And the minute by back's turned you lie
there spilling it all over the place.

Without a towel.
It doesn't matter anyway.

I have to fuck you at the drop of
a hat, but 'it doesn't matter anyway' ?

So now you're the macho man ?

Lying on a towel like a baby on
a changing cushion...

-What's wrong with lying on a towel ?
-It takes any spontaneity out of it.

Everything here is pre-arranged.

Eat fish twice a week,
Tofu once a week.

Fuck but no sex three times a week.

I can't even make a sandwich
without vacuuming straight away.

I even have to pee
like a toddler pees.

-If you can pee without spraying...
-Give me a break.

I'm not a sperm machine.

I'm just a man.
And I want a normal wife.

There you go. You can lie on that
as long as you like.

-On your own.

Bye, darling. Enjoy.

-That sister of yours is crazy.
-Mad as a hatter.


Watch what happens if you stay out all
day. You should do what you want.

You have to stick up for yourself.
Take your time. Be yourself.

She'll soon come to.

And the timing is perfect because
I've got a little job for you.

Okay, boys. This is the bear.

We'll give him 30 seconds to get away.
Don't aim at his head.

Never shoot when you are closer than
three meters from him. Understood ?

-Understood ?

And the bear... is off.

30, 29, 28, 27, 26...

...three, two, one. Go.

There he is.

Stop. Boys. Stop.

Dead is dead.
How dead does he have to be ?

Well, you can say what you like about
this bear, but he certainly isn't horny.

Jez, Jerry...

Jerry... role model ?

-As if Harry manages it every time.
-Really ?

Well, perhaps Harry
isn't a good example.

-So what's the problem ? Georgie ?
-No. She's fabulous.

-It's that little pot...
-Is it too small ?

-Oh, it's too big.
-What ?

No, it's just that little pot.

I can't do this with one hand
and that with the other.

I can't do two things together.

Okay, I get it. Okay.

So that little pot is the only problem ?

So, let's say someone else
were to hold that little pot for you...

What ?

Have you got that little pot with you ?


-You've got to be kidding ?
-Hurry up, before I change my mind.

Oh, Margot. Really ?

-Bananas ?
-They're my favorites.

Are you going to... ?

Are you crazy. You have to do that
yourself. I'll hold the pot.

And don't you ever mention
this to Georgie.

Give me a break.

-Yes ?

Don't be stupid.

-What ?

-Don't work too late, guys.
-I'll be working on this all night.

"Mom: Girls, can you come round
tonight ? I've got news."

Dior ?

You're having a baby.

-What is it ?
-Okay, Mom. What's the news ?

That's it. I think I'm pregnant.

You're 59. Haven't you been going
through the change for years ?

Not that I know of. Apparently, I'm
still very fertile. And Marvin is too.

And Paolo. And Hans.

Jesus Christ.

No, it definitely wasn't him.
I haven't seen him for a while.

Thank you, Georgie.
I'm really happy about it myself.

But... Mom, this is a joke, right ?

-I can tell.
-You went to university.

You just know. It feels exactly
the same as when I was having you.

It's as sensitive here
as when I was pregnant with Georgie.

Mom, why do you always have to
make such a mess of everything ?

-It's called keeping an open mind.
-You call it 'keeping an open mind'.

I call it 'Just figure it out yourself'.

First there's some French singer who
'could very likely' be my father.

I'm almost sure of that. Yours was
the Swedish guy, I'm sure of that.

And I always had short hair
because that was more practical.

I always had to introduce myself:
'Hi, I'm Georgie and I'm a girl.'

You were clearly a girl.

I once gave you some pincers. You
dressed them up in a pretty dress

and fed them a bowl of porridge.

Tidying up, cooking... You were
baking cakes when you were eight.

Grandma taught me how to do that.

At least there things were normal.

There I already knew in the morning
what I'd be eating that evening.

-And everything was clean.
-Very important.

Get married, have children, save up
for a Singer sewing machine.

So that on your deathbed you can be
proud of how tidy your linen closet is.

Because apart from that, you have
nothing to be proud about.

I don't want to be a slave
to my linen closet.

And I always thought as long as I was
having fun, I could be a great mother.

Well, I thought it was shit.

What can I say ? That my
whole life is one big disaster ?

That I'm broke and my daughters
have to come to my rescue ?

That I have to do my utmost so that
I'm not completely desperate ?

Is that what you want to hear ?
That would depress all three of us.

I've done my best. In my own way.

You may think I'm a failure.
I think you are perfect.

Both of you.
I even love all your idiosyncrasies.

Do you know what the worst thing is ?

My daughter is jealous of me because
I can leave life to fate a little.

Whilst that is exactly what
she should be doing, maybe.

Yeah, what ? She has a point.
You have to learn to let it go a bit.

Georgie ?

Sorry, I was totally engrossed
in what I was doing.


-You're taking them ?

-Yes, of course.

-Help remind me ?
-Swimming ? The 'Splash' Group Chat ?

Swimming. 'Splash'. Yes, of course.
Okay, bye.

The 'Splash' Group Chat.

"Georgie: We need to talk."

I'll see you guys in a bit.
Five o'clock here by the entrance. Bye.

Say something.
I've not slept for ten days.

I thought if I told you,
at least I'd get it off my chest.

And ?

How on earth am I going to
explain this to Jerry ?

And I've got to give that pitch
in a bit.

Stop being such a drama queen.
You love Jerry, don't you ?

-Then keep your mouth shut.

'Being faithful isn't never loving
others. It's never leaving one another.'

-Did you just make that up ?
-No, it was in the Woman's Weekly.

So it happened.

You're not going to ruin the rest
of your life just because you once...

Four times.

All in the same evening, though.

Four times ? Which planet does
this guy come from ?

Well then,
see it as a sort of liberation.

-I have to go.

You can do this.
Hey... You can do this.

I'm sorry. I'm fine.

-Well, what are the chances...
-Hey. How nice to see you.

Lady and gentlemen from Shine,
welcome to your very own Happy Home.

-The house that makes you happy.
-Thank you.

Georgie, please start
with the demonstration.

Vacuuming. Whilst we are sleeping,
vents in the walls suck everything away.

But the bear doesn't come here
for the hunting.

I don't get it.

-Trisha also never gets my jokes.
-I can see why.

If I tell Trisha a joke on Friday, it's
Sunday before she gets it and laughs.

It's probably my fault.

Is this just a regular click
or is this...

-Or... ?
-You know full well.

-I find you...
-Same here. But...

I've got a husband. Who I love.

-I'll never leave my family.

Okay ? Oh, thank goodness.
I didn't want to put you off.

-I think you are so nice...


Who wouldn't want to sit next to
this guy for the rest of his life ?

Well, Brian, this is Margot.

Hello, good afternoon. Jerry Brown
speaking. I'm calling about...

Fancy a coffee ?

No, I'm still here...

Coffee ?

If you were a man, you would
be in so much trouble.

But... What about Trisha ?
I was at your house.

At my house. We don't live
together anymore.

I didn't come out of the closet until
I was 40. I couldn't find my way out...

But when I see the two of you
at school, you're a real couple.

Trisha still wants to keep up
the appearance.

She saw her life
in a very different light.

I really love her.
Just no longer... in that way.

-No, that's very clear.

Speak of the devil.

Yes ? You're at Margot's ?
And she's not home.

-The pool ?
-Oh, Splash.

-You've already fetched them.

-Do you like it ?

How was your day ?

Nothing special.

What about you ?
Have you heard anything yet ?

I'll hear tomorrow.

Housewives justify their existence
by folding the laundry.

They complain about it. But they
would never want to get rid of it.

Because who would then need them ?

We aren't going to take that feeling
away from them.

-We're just making it easier for them.
-Georgie, wasn't it ?

-You're a young woman. No kids ?

What makes you think I have no... ?

Maybe you should first live
life a bit. Real life.

Wipe a few snotty noses, experience
the smell of a teenager's bedroom.

Maybe just the ShowerPower idea,
then ?

Okay guys, that's it then, I suppose.

Just one more thing:
what will you do now ?

Fuck the house.

It's sickening but you did your best.

We can cry for a week
but then that's that.

Are you okay ?
-I'm sorry.

-George ?

Could it possibly be that you
are maybe just a little bit pregnant ?


Where did you get that from ?

I always have one in the house.
You know what Harry's like.

And ?

-God damn it. Fuck.
-What ?

This thing's faulty.

Oh my God.

Jesus, are you trading in them ?

No, no, no.

Once. I cheat one fucking time.

-Wasn't it four fucking times ?
-Yes, it was four fucking times.

It could still be Jerry's, right ?

Nothing for a year and a half and
now, all of a sudden, it's Jerry's ?

It could be, it's a well-known fact:

Sperm protect their territory against
foreign invaders.

They suddenly
start to swim faster.

Or was it the other way round ?

Well, look who came collecting
for charity ?

Mom, what are you doing here ?

-Have you been thrown out ?
-It'll all work out in the end, Mom ?

This is only a temporary hitch.

As soon as you're made a Partner...

What ? Not ?

-We've lost our house.
-Yes, it's ridiculous.

The client said
she first had to live life.

Wipe some snotty noses,
smell teenagers' bedrooms.

Ridiculous. If there's anyone
who knows how to run a home, it's...

Mom, you don't get early contractions
until you're at least six months on.



You can't be serious.

I think it's so awful.

-It might not be Jerry's.
-What ?

Okay, so Georgie couldn't get pregnant
because of the Chlamydia, she thought.

But first
Jerry had to have a sperm test.

And then Georgie cheated on him
with a colleague, four times

and now she's pregnant.
That's why.

Oh, girls...

I'm so proud of you, George.

You finally had an affair
like every other normal person.

Mom, seriously ?
I love Jerry. I was just...

Darling, if we never do
anything foolish...

how can we feel good
when we do something sensible ?

Well, the youngest might
be pregnant to a colleague.

The oldest is having an imaginary baby.

And the one in the middle
is in love with a gay guy.

Is Harry gay ?


-I have to tell Jerry...
-You're not telling Jerry anything.

Okay, that he's going to be a father.

You have had sex with Jerry,
haven't you ? Well then.

You're having a baby and the two of you
are going to be so happy about it.

Maybe it is his.
Let's just assume it is.

These days everyone thinks you have
to be totally honest in a relationship.

I've seen so many marriages
break up through this.

If you love one another, you sometimes
have to keep your mouth shut.

Don't do anything silly now, George.

Mom's right. It'll kill
Jerry if you tell him.

At the moment of truth,
there's only one thing to do: lie.


You want a baby so badly
and I can never give you one.

I'm pregnant.

No, you can't be.

There's nothing I would like more
than it to be yours.

-Sleep well, darling.
-Sleep well, Grandma.

-Sleep well.
-You too, little rascal.

Sleep well.
I'll leave a light on in the hall.

-It's okay, you don't have to.
-For the children, Mom.

Good morning,
did you get a bit of sleep ?

-Good morning.
-Good morning, Georgie.

-Hi, lovey.

-What are you doing ?
-I'm going to work.

It's the final transfer
of the Shine account.

-Final transfer ?
-Shine is moving to another agency.

So everything that we're busy with,
has to be transferred over.

All the project numbers have to be
listed, everything... Oh, forget it.

The fact that I make a mess of
my private life doesn't mean

that I have to let everything slip
between my fingers at work.

Holy fuck, she's a tough cookie.

Those people have no idea
what they are losing.

You're absolutely right.
What a set of idiots. Right ?


And I think with that,
we have finished the transfer.

All that remains for me to say is thank
you for being such a fine client.

-That's very decent of you.
-And good luck with the new agency.

Pleased to meet you.
I'm Lucy, Georgie's mother.

I can hear you thinking:
'What, her 'mother' ?'

In a word: wheatgrass.
I'm here because I understand

that you are uncertain about
my daughter's 'real' life.

If there is anyone who knows
how to run a household, it's her.

At home, she was the only housewife
among us. From the day she could walk.

-Shut up.

I worked my ass off because I thought...

that the highest thing a woman could
achieve was independence.

In the meantime she made sure

that her sister went to school
with a ponytail

and that we ate vitamins.

And that the beds were changed
every week. She did...

...what I didn't do.

Besides which, that kid is
extremely pregnant.

So how much of a mother
do you guys really want ?

-I'm sorry about this. It wasn't...
-It's fine, I just need one minute.

It's all true. Just hold him.
His toys.

This makes a racket,
just take the battery out.

Hello, I'm the sister of Mary Poppins.

I just need a couple of minutes.

-So let's talk about that Happy Home.

Of course no-one is going to use
all those technical gadgets.

But that's not what it's all about.
Housekeeping is like life itself:

Once you've got one side in order,
the other side is all messed up again.

-I couldn't have put it better myself...
-Shut up, Mom.

Shouldn't your brand stand
for the idea

that there could be a world
without odd socks ?

That it'll all work out in the end ?

Do you think that we believe if we wear
the same bra as Doutzen Kroes

we'll have the same figure as her ?
Or that if you wax your pussy

that the hair won't come back for
as long as it says on the box ? What ?

I can usually sand a wooden table
with mine the very next day.

Right ? But that's not what matters,
because we are buying the dream.

That's what we want. We like to dream.
We've been doing that our whole lives.

The only thing we need
is a bit of understanding.

And a house that understands us.

That makes us very Happy.

Happy Home, the house that
understands us.

Is that Dominic ?

Don't point.

-You did very well.
-Their faces... A masterpiece.

-I don't know if we made it in time...
-Mom, you were the best.

It was great.

Stop it. Mom ? Come on.

-Mom ?
-What's happening ?

Mom, are you all right ?
I'll call an ambulance.

Well, everything's all right.
I had to remove it...

-Do you have a moment, please ?
-Yes, I'm coming.

You may go and see her now. Room 4.

-Hey, sweetheart. Hey, hello.
-Hey, Grandma.

Mom, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Whoever would have thought that
you could get pregnant again...

Girls, it was a cervical myoma.

-They've put it in a little pot.
-Good grief.

If we plant it now,
it may bloom in the spring.

Oh, Mom, sorry.

You were so happy.

Maybe it was just the idea
that I still could.

I've already got the most
beautiful children ever.

-A schoolyard mother...
-Who has started her own business.

And a single lady who is pregnant
to a fling.

Shit. I've turned into you.

You'll be much better at it
than I ever was.

-Well, how could she not be ?
-Indeed, I agree with you there.

I'm so sorry. About our house.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Excuse me.

Hi, Georgie here. Yes. Right.

What ?

I'm putting you on speaker phone.

Shine has decided to stay with us.
They have reconsidered

and think that on further insight
'Happy Home' is credible proof

that they can promise that they
understand their target group.

So congratulations, Partner.


So the house... ?

Oh, sweetheart.

Jez ?

Huh ? I was at your work.

They said you'd been taken away
in an ambulance.

A cervical myoma.

Hey, Jez.

So you're still pregnant.


-Thank goodness.
-What ?

I just want you to be happy.

Jerry, you deserve someone
without a dirt phobia.

I happen to like clean.

You need to be able to do your own
thing. Play on your flight simulator.

I have a fear of heights.

-I'm always working.
-I think that's cool.

Sex on a towel...

I love how it rubs against my ass.

-I snore.


This is an emergency.

You are probably only as big
as a grain of rice,

but I know that I am
going to love you very much.

And apart from that, I don't want
to live without your mother.

So, grain of rice, will you take me
to be your father ?

-Will you take me to be your father ?

You can think of everything,
but there is only one sure thing:

Things will always go differently.

Maybe it's not about achieving
what you planned,

but about what you do if things
don't go to plan.

We often say: it's all or nothing.

But usually it's 'All or something.'
Something different.

Life is like a bin bag. You can
always squeeze something else in.

Hang on in there.

What are we eating tonight ?

Hey, it's me who's cooking.
Pork chops, yum yum.

Mom, what time do I have to be
home tomorrow night ?

-Can I have a salami sandwich ?

George ?

George, he's pooped.

Your articles are delightful.

Fabulous. All that struggling. All that
slaving away. I can so identify with it.

You identify with it ? You ?

That's not the issue here.

I'd like you to write one every week
for in the weekend edition.

May I come into the office again ?

No, you have to write your articles
from home, from the trenches.

Does he cry a lot ?
Or isn't it too bad ?

It's not too bad.

He's a great looking baby,
isn't he ?

Unbelievable. How much that child looks
like his father. It's the same face.

Why is the door locked ? Can you
open this for me, please ?

-Do it yourself.

When we're in there,
will you just act a bit normal, Jez ?

-I always act normal, don't I ?


Aren't you forgetting something ?
Chors, Cross, cunt...

You're forgetting something.

Cunt, Cross, Cas.
What's his name ?

Cunt, Kid, I don't know his name.

Sorry, I'm...

Okay, boys. This is... the bear.

Okay, boys. This is...

Okay, boys. This is...


-I haven't poured yet.

That's nasty.

WebRip subtitles by JJD @ 2019