Hudson Hawk (1991) - full transcript

Eddie Hawkins, called Hudson Hawk has just been released from ten years of prison and is planning to spend the rest of his life honestly. But then the crazy Mayflower couple blackmail him to steal some of the works of Leonardo da Vinci. If he refuses, they threaten to kill his friend Tommy.

Long ago, the duke of Milan
commissioned a little-known artist erect a mammoth statue
of a horse.

The time was 1481.

The artist was Leonardo Da Vinci.

The guy on the donkey
is just a guy on a donkey.

Anyway, they called this statue
the Sforza...

...and it was gonna be
the largest bronze statue ever built.

But wouldn't you know it...

...war broke out,
and bronze became scarce.

So Da Vinci decided
to create a machine... change common lead
into bronze.

But when Da Vinci
finally turned this machine on... was to give him something
more than he expected.

Something much more than bronze.

Leonardo, che pazzo!

(speaking Italian)

(workers shouting in Italian)

(Busy chatter in Italian)

(Instruction shouted in

(Workers speaking Italian)

(Instruction given in Italian)


(speaking Italian)

(Frustrated comments made in

(Worker calls out in Italian)

(Greets in Italian)

(Speaking Italian)

(Pilot screams in Italian)

(Speaking Italian)

Exactly 500 years later... artiste of a different field...

The one of cat burglary.

...Was getting out of Sing Sing.

He was known
as the Hudson Hawk.

Got a coat, hat.

Here's your personal items.

Here's your wallet.

I think you'll find
everything in there.

Don't you want your receipt?

Keep it. Ready?

I got it, Charlie.

Eddie. Eddie.

So the Hudson Hawk is
finally getting out.

Remember all the reporters
that here when you came in?

"World's greatest cat burglar."

Now who gives a fuck?

I got a proposition for you.

Answer's no, Gates.
Even if you bathe.

Listen, smartass, as your
parole officer, I found you a job.

No way.
It's a terrific job. An auction house.

One night's work, and you're free.

No checking in with a shrink.
No more community service.

But I want to do
community service.

I want to teach the handicapped
how to yodel.

I ain't stealing no more, Gates.

Ten years later, you're still
impressed with yourself.

Same old coat, same old hat.
You're extinct, Hawk.

Coming from you,
that's a powerful statement.

Look, aren't you supposed to stop me
from committing crimes.

You know, "Book 'em, Danno."
"Give a hoot, don't pollute."

You ain't out yet, wise guy.

I can set you up and send you back
any time I want.

It's a very fine line
between ex-con and escaped con.

Hey, Gates, do it yourself.

Hey! He's got my keys!

I'll be seeing you, Hawk!

Open the gate!

See you around, Mike.
Take it easy, Eddie.

That's the first thing I did:

Smooch the ground
and taste the freedom.

Sorry I'm late, Eddie.
I miss anything?

As always,
your timing is impeccable.

Where's the kiss?
Get away from me.

No tongue this time, I promise.



Looks like you been expanding your...
Don't say it, Eddie!

I'm incredibly sensitive
about my fucking figure.

My next word was gonna be


You're free, you son of a bitch!

Now that you're born again,
what do you wanna do?

Statue of Liberty?
Entertain some ladies?

Broadway tix?
Seduce some women?

Play Nintendo?
Bone some chicks?

What's Nintendo?

Just get me to
the Five Tone, Tommy.

I don't get a cappuccino soon,
I'll strangle somebody.

You still got a thing for those
unmasculine European coffees?

What can I say?
Who's your buddy?

The man knows! The man knows!

So, Mr. Coffee, you have
any trouble checking out?

Not much.

Gates just tried to blackmail me
into doing a job.

That doughnut-hole-eating,
son of a bitch...

rat bastard!

Had the perfect amount of foam.

Come on, I'll get you 10 of them
back at the bar.

An auction house? Gates wants you
to rob an auction house?

Yes, an auction house.
What are you, going deaf?

He's your parole officer, for Christ's
sake. And, look, I am not going deaf.

Tommy, just get me
in the Five Tone.

Yeah, all right.

"Going deaf."
Don't make fun of my hearing, right?

Tell you something about the bar.
You're gonna love it.

Five Tone Bar and Grill.

At least I know there's one thing
that will never cha...

I don't know how
to tell you this, Eddie.

Couple of brokers stopped in
for Stoli spritzers one night.

Now we're a nice local bar
that none of the locals can afford.

I read about these people
in Newsweek.

Where's all the regulars?

Where's Crazy Jeff Cava?

Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph?
Gone, Eddie.

Tommy, you took down
Captain Bob's steering wheel?

Eddie, Eddie, they're all gone.

But look at the bright side:

Half this joint is yours.

Hey, Blackjack! Give my
irritable partner a cappuccino.

I gotta go be a boss.

Give me a Scotch and water.

Reindeer goat cheese pizza?!

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

Cute shot, Antony.

Cesar Mario. Antony Mario.

I didn't know the circus
was in town.

So why won't you do
the auction house?

Well, call me superstitious, Cesar.

I don't like to commit a crime
within 24 hours of getting out of the joint.

It's very simple.
There's a safe on the seventh floor.

You take their thingy
and you put it in this thingy.

Directions even your brother
could understand.

Yeah, directions
even I could understand.

Shut up.

Hawk, you're the best.

You're the only one who can
do this job. You know that.

Don't tell me a lot of horse shit,
you wanna open up a hardware store...

...go straight and sell spatulas.

You know Cesar,

if the Mario brothers weren't New
Jersey's third-largest crime family...

...I'd say kiss my ass.

But considering your status,
I will say slurp my butt.


Have you lovely ladies
tried our house wine?

I think you'll enjoy.
Beat it, Tommy.

No dinosaurs allowed.


You don't do that auction house job,
I'm gonna put you on trial...

...and I promise you, my friend...

...there will be no bailiff.

You understand?

Get him out of here.

Three minutes, 57 seconds.

"Night and Day"?
Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald?

Five minutes, 12 seconds.

"Hit the Road, Jack."

Tommy, where are my
needle-nose pliers?

Check the bar. "Hit the Road, Jack."

Five minutes, 15 seconds.

How the hell could you take this down, man?
Captain Bob's steering wheel?

Don't you remember the
night he came in?

Nobody could figure out
where he got this thing.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Quiet. Come here.

We got a nasty little safe
on the seventh floor here.


What's the mechanism?

Last time I went to bat,
Simpson only made a 40.

So it's gonna take you another
extra 31 seconds to seduce it.

I'm not worried about the safe, Tommy.
I know you're not worried about it.

What about these guards?
We know any of these guys?


Not one?
Not one. No.

Well, what about the video surveillance?
I have a plan.

Oh, you got a plan.
I have a great plan.


What the hell am I doing?

Huh? What the hell am I doing?
I'm getting ready to do some crime.

Go rob some fakakta horse
with you?

All right, Eddie...

I should be out there
getting myself a Daily News,

looking in the "Want Ads“
trying to get a job selling spatulas."

We're moving too fast, Eddie.

You see, I'm putting out a fire
with kerosene.

What is that?
That's five seconds. My record's 18.

Is this funny?

You think this is
some kind of fucking joke?

How many seconds?
How many what seconds?

On the thumb cuffs.

Not counting the bitching and whining,
I'll be nice and say eight.

You know, they're not gonna let you
walk away from this job, kiddo.

I ain't never gonna get
rehabilitated this way, Tommy.

You think you still got it, Eddie?

Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.

"Mack the Knife"?
Four minutes, 17 seconds.

"I Only Have Eyes for You."

Why, Tommy,
I didn't know you cared.

Three minutes, 22 seconds.


Four minutes, 19 seconds.

"Star-spangled Banner."
Whitney Houston, Super Bowl XVII.

Hi, Hank.

Seven minutes, 17 seconds.
You're full of shit.

Let me ask you something.

How come I'm not out
trying to get laid tonight?

Eddie, you're bumming my high.

Come on. It's show time.

Tommy, hold on. Hold on a minute.

The sign here says
"no horseplay in the pool area."

This isn't horseplay.

This is a major felony.

Come on, Grandpa.

Hey, Tommy.

Give me one good reason
why we're up here.

I can give you two:
Antony Mario and Cesar Mario.

Well, you don't really think
that they're gonna...

Cut off our balls
if we don't do the job.

I see.

Let me ask you something else.

Did you have dinner tonight?

Because this rope only holds
900 pounds.

Eddie, stop fooling around!
I'm not fooling around.

You are! You're fooling around!

Pick me up. Pick me up.
All right, all right.

Come on.
I wish you'd lay off the pasta.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?!

Covering our tracks.
We leave through the basement.

Well, now we have
no choice, do we?

I better make the hole a little bigger.

Don't worry, bonehead.
I'm wearing my girdle.

Six hundred and seventy-three Wongs
in the phone book.

That's a hell of a lot of "Wong" numbers.

Look up "Chin."

That's it.

You got a key?

Just checking.

They record everything
video surveillance takes in.

Yes, I can see that, master thief.

I thought you
said something about a plan.

Oh, am I boring you, smartass?

Hey, Jerry, check out Big Stan.

Watch this.

Big Stan!

Now watch.
A little rewind and replay...

...and the guards are gonna be
watching a rerun...

...and they're gonna miss out
on tonight's exciting episode.

You figure this out by yourself?

Good plan, junior.

We got about five minutes
and change.

Five thirty-two,
"Swinging on a Star."

You know the invented something
while you were inside. It's called a watch.

Hey, Tommy.


One, two.

One, two, three.

♪ Would you like to
swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams
home in a jar ♪

♪ And be better off
than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather
be a mule ♪

♪ A mule is an animal
with long funny ears ♪

♪ He kicks up
at anything he hears ♪

♪ His back is brawny
and his brain is weak ♪

♪ He's just plain stupid
with a stubborn streak ♪

♪ And by the way,
if you hate to go to school ♪

♪ You may grow up
to be a mule ♪

♪ Oh, would you like
to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams
home in a jar ♪

They're all back on.

♪ And be better off
than you are ♪

♪ Or would you
rather be a fish ♪

♪ A fish is an animal
that swims in a brook ♪

♪ He can't write his name
or read a book ♪

♪ To fool the people
is his only thought ♪

♪ And though he's slippery
he still gets caught ♪

♪ If that sort of life
is what you wish ♪

♪ You may grow up
to be a fish ♪

♪ Oh, would you like
to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams
home in a jar ♪

♪ And be better off
than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather
be a pig ♪

♪ A pig is an animal
with dirt on his face ♪

♪ His shoes
are a terrible disgrace ♪

♪ He's got no manners
when he eats his food ♪

♪ He's fat and lazy
and extremely rude ♪

♪ But if you don't care
a feather or a fig ♪

♪ You may grow up
to be a pig ♪

♪ And all the monkeys
aren't in the zoo ♪

♪ Every day you see
quite a few ♪

♪ So you see,
it's all up to you ♪

♪ You could be better
than you are ♪

♪ You could be
swingin' on a star ♪

You got the horse, Ed?
I just got out of jail yesterday...

...and I'm robbing an auction house.
Let's go, Hawk.

Hey, Dean, I don't get it.

I'm looking at the auction room,
and I see that little blue chair.

I didn't wanna do it.
All I wanted was a cappuccino.

Snap out of it!

You think that's strange,
check out screen two.

Hey, that's us.

Somebody rewired the recorders.

I hold you responsible, Tommy.

♪ You could be swinging on a star ♪
Let's take it home.

♪ You could be
swinging on a star ♪♪


Let's go out the back way.
Keep those ideas coming.

Get up. You're embarrassing me.

Would you get going!
Come on, go!

Go, go, go.
Easy with that.

Come on! Beat it, Tommy!
Come on!

I can't tell you how happy I am
that we covered our tracks.

Can I ask a question?

I'm not as fat as that guard, am I?

Oh, no. You're a slender reed
compared to that guard.

Come on, Slim Jim.

Hudson Hawk gets
the chair of honor.

Good job. Not pretty, but good.

All this trouble for a horsey.

I may not know art,
but I know what I like.

You certainly do.

when's this Sebastian
Cabot Buckingham

Palace-looking, butler-head
motherfucker getting here?

Any minute now, dear Mr. Gates.

Sorry, Jeeves.
May I?


Leonardo Da Vinci's last commission
for the duke of Milan.


Hey, Mr. French. I'm...

What the...? What...?

Ah, yes

You son of a bitch.

I stuck my neck out setting this up
for you limey bastards.

Now, where's my cut?

So much for his cut.

Forgive my dry British humor.

You know, I think Gates
promised Hawk a cut too.

Lovely work, Alfred.
You taking the Concorde back?

Always, Mr. Mario.

I'm really racking up
those frequent-flier points.

Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.

Yo, Five-Tone.

Did I miss anything?

Gates tries to blackmail me.
You ask me, "Did I miss anything?"

Gates gets killed.

You say, "Did I miss anything?"

I bet you'd go up to
Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theater:

and say, "How was the show?
Did I miss anything?“"

You may wanna get this looked at.
Jeez, Gates was killed?

So who do we send
a thank-you note to?

The butler did it.

Guy was a cross between
Alistair Cooke and a Cuisinart.

Took Mr. Ed, Humpty-Dumptied it
over Gates' head, and get this:

He said it was made by Leonardo...
Da Vinci's Sforza.

I consider it to be the prize...

...of tonight's auction
of objects d'equestrian.

Horse things.

All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.

Morning edition.

It says here, two thieves
attempted to steal it last night...

...but thanks to three brave guards,
it will be ready for tonight.


I didn't wanna steal the goddamned thing in
the first place, but I do have my pride.

I don't understand this.

Why try? Forget about it.

Because I'm tired of not
understanding things. Cops, Mafia...

butlers forcing me to steal something which
now it appears I didn't steal after all.

It's all too goddamn
peculiar, Tommy.

Let me ask you something.

How much does a new tuxedo cost?

A fantastic example
of Florentine bronze.

Now, who will start at 140,000?

Hundred-and-forty thousand.

Hundred-and-sixty thousand?

Seventy? Eighty? Ninety thousand.

Two hundred'?



Two-hundred-and-fifty thousand.

Two-hundred-and-fifty thousand?
Sixty thousand?

Seventy? Eighty?

Ninety? Three hundred thousand.


You know, after all these years...

...I still get goose bumps
coming to these auctions.

The paintings, the sculptures...

Things that aren't really
paintings or sculptures.

Pretentious vultures
who never look up from

their calculators to see
what they're buying.

Now, that gives me goose bumps.

Auctions are disgusting.

I couldn't agree more.


Now, lot 15.

An equestrian piece
attributed to the Trillini school.

Now, who will start at 250,000?

Two-hundred-fifty thousand.
Eighty thousand.

Thank you, sir.

Three hundred thousand.

Three-forty thousand.

No more on 340,000'?

Sold once. Twice.


And finally, lot number 17.

Thought to be lost in the war,
and again last night.

The Da Vinci Sforza,
the jewel of the sale.


Is looking like
a constipated warthog...

...a prerequisite for getting a job
in the art world?

...Doctoressa Anna Baragli
of the Vatican. Doc?

Some of us warthogs are
more constipated than others.

Oh, shit.


The Vatican extends its jealousy
to the lucky bidder.

Thank you, doctor.

We'll begin the bidding
at $20 million. To you, sir.


One hundred million clams.

That's $100 million
to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.

One hundred million and one, Waldo.


One hundred million dollars
and one.

Outbid by mine own wench.

Quelle bummer.

Don't hate me, baby.


Any other bids?

Going once.

Going twice.


My God. That was bold of you.

You didn't have to do that.
It's nothing.

Anybody would have
done the same thing.

No, I mean, you didn't
have to tackle me and rip my dress.


Oh, I'm just kidding.
Thanks for saving me, tough guy.

Why was that guard
chasing you?

Because danger, doc,
is my middle...

Couldn't just play along,
could you, Eddie?

You gotta admit, Eddie. Classy way
of covering our tracks, huh?

That auctioneer ought to be landing
at La Guardia any minute now.

Hey, subtlety's not one
of our strong points.

Get the fuck out of here.

You stupid ass!

Ew, menthol.

This is a brand-new tuxedo!

Hey, mister. Are you gonna die?

Happy sailing, Hawk!

No! Oh, no!

How am I driving?


Toll booth?!

Exact change?!

Make him roadkill.

Up yours, Cesar.

Yeah, run him down.

Cesar! Antony!

Are you okay?

What the fuck
is the matter with you?

The name's Snickers.
The plane leaves in 40.

Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars.

Well, it's better
than when we first started out.

Our code names were diseases.

Do you know what it's like
being called Chlamydia for a year?

Oops, forgot.

My name's Butterfinger.
No shit.

Do you like
the company's new look?

I call them the "MTV-IA."

George, you promised.

No old-CIA/new-CIA jokes

Punks. They think the Bay of Pigs
is an herbal tea...

...and the Cold War has something
to do with penguins.

Don't I know you?

The last time you saw me, I was bald
with a beard and no mustache...

...and I had a different nose.

So if you don't recognize me,
I won't be offended.

My high school science teacher?

I'm the guy who tricked you into
robbing the government installation...

...and then had you
sent to prison for it.

George Kaplan.

I'm not the type
to hold a grudge, George.

I used you as a diversion.

I guess down deep,
I was just jealous.

You were one hell of a thief.

To what do I owe
the dishonor of this reunion, Georgie?

I wanna make it up to you, kid.
That's why I got you this gig.

And to quote the late, great
Karen Carpenter:

"We have only just begun."

Three minutes, four seconds.

Well you know, George,
you're a little late.

Maybe nobody told you.
I quit stealing.

My employer wants a meeting.
Your employer?

The president?
No. Somebody powerful.

Good God, what's that?

Now George, you don't expect me
to fall for that old gag, do you?

Shucks, I guess not.


Yes, now.

No way.

Welcome to Rome, sir.

So, Hawk. The Hawkster.
What do you think of the vehicle?

Why did you duck
at the auction house, asshole?

What can I tell you. I'm the villain.

Initially, it was a priority to keep
a lot of buffers between you and me.

But since most of them are dead now,
I thought, what the heck?

Hawkie, you come
highly recommended.

I hired Kaplan and the Mario brothers
to find me a cat burglar.

Hey. I want to be in business
with you.

♪ I've got the power ♪

♪ I've got the power ♪

Ladies and gentlemen of the board,
and Minerva...

...let's give it up for Hudson Hawk.



Hello. Bunny, ball-ball.

So, Hawkmeister...

...we got you clothes, great hotel...

...and a 250,000-lire per diem.

That's $200 a day.

So he can get a hooker
and some tequila?

Veto, Darwin.

I guess we see who wears
the penis in this family, huh?

For God's sake,
somebody chain this convict.

Listen, Hawkie.

This might be hard to believe,
but I'm just a regular joe.

I just want to be happy.

And happiness comes...

...from the achieving of goals.

It's just that when you've made
your first billion by the age of 19...'s hard to keep
coming up with new ones.

But now, finally,
I got myself a new goal:

World domination!

Shut up!

Bunny, quit that.
Bunny, ball-ball.

I think Bunny's got
today's ball-balls.

Bad Bunny.
Bunny, you weren't that bad.

Just two more minutes.
I was so close.

But seriously, folks, Concorde me
back home, put me in jail. I don't care.

You go back to jail,
and you won't be alone.

You'll have a Guinea barkeep
cellmate to keep you company.

You're young enough to still enjoy
shanking child molesters...

...for a pack of smokes.

But Tommy Five-Tone...

...will go in knowing
the next time he gets out...

...will be to attend
his own funeral.


I wouldn't waste a dime
for the phone call.

You don't have any proof.

The magic word.

It's "véjà do," Hawkhead:
Something you wish never did happen.

Kaplan and his CIA candy bars shot
the entire operation with hidden cameras.

They put the fake horse in the safe while
you clowns were running from the guards.


Damn Fotomat assholes.

That's a good shot of you, Minerva.

My man, you're going
to hit a church.

We want you to steal
Da Vinci's sketchbook...

...the Codex.

The Vatican.

I'm robbing
the freaking Vatican.

The nuns at St. Agnes...

...predicted this.

What do they call you guys,
Igg and Ook?

Hey, man.
Buon giorno

Yeah, buon giorno.

I'm being blackmailed
into robbing the Vatican... a psychotic
American corporation and the CIA.

I don't...

That's okay, colonel.
Just keep an eye on all the art.

Courtney, stop it.

You're embarrassing
your country.

Though Leonardo
is best known as a painter... was his gift as an inventor...

...who drew together
science and art...

...that is most incredible.

Tough guy.

What are you doing here?

You know, every time I get around you,
my heart starts beating really fast.

As you know,
the Da Vinci Codex...

has lived in the Vatican
for centuries, and

will continue to live
here for centuries more.

That's what you think.

Question, sir?
Yeah, what time do you get done?

His untiring pen
predicted the airplane...

...the submarine, the bicycle...

...the helicopter
and even the tank.

These more dangerous designs
inspired him...


What's the matter? Something wrong?
Quickly, come with me.

Pokey, come back!

Is that smoke bad for you?

This way.
Where are we going?

Through here.

Are you gonna tell me why you did that back
there, or are you gonna blame it on Dumbo?

You mean Pokey?

You believe that
kooky little elephant?

What in the world is this?
It's a postal subway.

Can I get to Times Square from here?

The pope takes his mail seriously.

Christmas cards, Easter Seals.

Delivers up to 10 at night.

I see.

Well, actually, I don't see.
I'm very confused.

How do you know all this stuff?
What do you do?

Well, I do a lot of things.

But I don't steal stuffed elephants
from little girls.

My life's pretty boring.

Yeah, mine too.

You have dinner
with me tonight?

Nice, dull, boring dinner?

Scrabble, knock-knock jokes,
anecdotes about dead Italians?

I'll bring my entire repertoire.

And I'll bring my entire entourage.

There's a place around the corner.

Enzo's. Say 10:30?

Hey, thanks.

Father, it's obvious
he's up to something.

Report upstairs at once.

Yes, sir.

Did he mention the Mayflowers?

No, your eminence. He's definitely
going to steal the Codex. I can feel it.

I'm not sure when.
Attempt to steal, you mean.

The vanity of this man,
Hudson Hawk.

The Vatican has foiled the advances
of pirates and terrorists.

We will not lie down
for some schmuck from New Jersey.

And must you flirt with him
so effectively?

That's the only way.

As an agent of our organization,
you are put in awkward situations.

Just remember, Hudson Hawk
is an evil, evil man.

Yes. Hello, operator.
I'd like to make a collect call...

...overseas, to a New York number.

What? No, no, don't put me...

Oh, shit.
Thank you for calling AT&T.

What number
are you calling, please?

Thank God. 212-555-1989.

Pick up the phone, you
reindeer-goat-cheese-eating bastard.

Pick it up. Pick it up.

Pick it up, Tommy.

The black thing. On the desk.

Come on, Tommy.

Want a little more, Jumbo?

Kick your big, flabby ass.


Hawk, Hawk.

Enjoying Italy?


I've always had
a soft spot in my heart for Roma.

I did my first
bare-handed strangulation here.

Communist politician.

Why, George, you big softy.

God, I miss Communism.

The Red threat.

People were scared...

...the agency had some respect,
and I got laid every night.

Brief him, Snickers.

Good news, Hawk.

Mayflowers have
moved up the timetable.

You're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Oh, no. Oh, no.

The timing's off,
the schedule's not right...

...I'm under equipped,
and besides that, I got a date.

Grapple, biker's bottle...

...pocket fisherman, olive oil...

...100 stamps?

Gee, stud, this gonna be some date.

No Harvey's Bristol Cream?

Snickers, make that list happen.

Oh, it's one thing
to play hide-and-seek...

...with the Mayflowers'
pathetic staff...

...but we're sore losers.

We blow up space shuttles
for breakfast.

You and your friend Tommy
would be nothing more than a...

A late-afternoon Triscuit.


Hey! Old man!

Yeah, you!

You come back here
without your Cub Scout army...

...and I'll kick your
centrally intelligent ass...

...up one side the piazza
and down the other!

"Beware the blue wire"?

Hey, Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.

Good, Yogi.

(speaking Italian)

Now, Kit Kat, how did you know
about that blue wire?

(speaking Italian)

(speaking Italian)

Oh. I was afraid
you weren't gonna drop by.

Am I late?

You look very nice.

You really do.

I am the waiter, sir.

Oh, very nice.

Fettuccine con funghi porcini.

And bring me a bottle of ketchup
with that, will you?

You heard him.

Ketchup. Ketchup.

Stupid Americano!

(speaking Italian)

Come on, Pierre, read my lips.

Steak burger.

French fries.

This is France.
You got to have french fries.

"Actually, it's Italy, Butterfinger,"
she said... if it made a difference.

To be in Paris and in love.

(speaking Italian)

They had the worst ketchup
when I was in prison.


I was a warden?

How long were you in?

Let's just say I never saw E.T.

Wow, you were in the joint...

...doing hard time.

It's funny, but that excites me.

I seem to have a thing for sinners.

I seem to have a thing for sinning.
Check, please.

Where did you get the Hawk?

Ossining, New York.

Where did you get the
Hudson Hawk?

Well, a "hawk" is a slang word...

...for the cold wind
that blows in the wintertime.

I grew up in a town
called Hoboken, New Jersey...

...which is on the Hudson River.

So Hudson River, Hudson Hawk.
Hudson Hawk.

And where did you get these?

Had a little accident
around the house.

What happened?
I fell on some chickens.

Does it hurt?
Yes, they hurt.

Maybe I can make them
feel better.

Well, okay. See what you can do.

Don't. Don't tickle me.
Don't do it.

Don't do it because-

Because I gotta
tell you something.


No, I better whisper it to you.

Come here.

I can't do this.

What's the matter?

It's been a long time for me.

Well, it's been a really long time
for me.

Outside of a friendly dog yesterday
morning, this has been a very slow decade.

I don't make love every 10 years,
I get a little cranky.

I'm not sure if I remember
how to kiss girls.

Not that I ever kiss guys.

(Italian alarm)

Catholic girls are scary.

Somebody robbed the Vatican.

This is not what you think.
Well, maybe it is.

You went and did it.
You really did it.

In one day, in less than one day
of planning, and you did it.

You started the week
by stealing the Sforza...

...and ended by swiping the Codex.
Yeah, but...

What are your weekend plans?
Hoisting away the Colosseum?

But you don't...
Tell me, did the devil make you do it?

Or did Darwin
and Minerva Mayflower?

Can't we just go back
to the kissing part?

What's going on in there?

You want me to rape them?

Here, just read your book,

"Not in a boat, not on a train."

Not with a goat, not in the rain.

"I do not like green eggs and ham..."
To yourself. To yourself!

It's more complicated
than that, Hudson.

For two years, I've been tracking
the Mayflowers' peculiar interest... the three Da Vinci pieces.

The Sforza statue was a fake...

...but I was under orders
not to denounce it.

Does everybody in the whole world
know more than me?

You didn't know?

I'm just some guy
that's good at swiping stuff.

Who knew that would lead to this.

Christ, they even got
the CIA Involved now.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Hey. This doesn't taste
like cappuccino.

Oh, I guess I put too much
ethyl chloride in it.

Why didn't you say at the restaurant
that Hawk had hit the Vatican tonight?

My people will not be happy.

I want to see Kaplan.

Damn meddlesome
Vatican organization.

Hey! Way to go, Anna!

Hudson Hawk had
some interesting things to say...

...about you and the Mayflowers.

Basically, that you're all part
of the same car pool.

Anna, Anna, Anna,
if that were so...

...Almond Joy would've
handed you your heart...

...right after you handed her
the Codex.

No, now the trip is this:

Soon as the Mayflowers find out
we have the Codex...

...they're gonna want to make a deal.

We deal, they'll buy, we bust.

A classic sting.
What happens to Hudson Hawk?

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much
about him. He's...

He's gonna be in very good hands.

But you, you look really tired, kiddo.

Maybe you should go back
to Rome and get some sleep.

Kit Kat? Oh, there you are.

See that Miss Baragli
gets home safely.

Arrividerci, baby.

With all due respect
to that great dress... come you didn't you let me
cut her heart out?

Close call, close call.

But she's the only way
we have keeping tabs

on the damn mysterious
Vatican organization.

Bunny Mayflower.

Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's been 1200 hours
since my last confession.

Hit me with your best shot.

I betrayed a man.

A good man. An innocent man

A thief.

Anna, what are you trying to say?

Father, we've been
double-crossed by the CIA.

Hudson Hawk is not
who we thought he was.

He came into a world where crime
is a legitimate business tactic...

...and a legitimate
government procedure...

...but he knew right from wrong.

Oh, and we kind of messed around.

(speaking Italian)

Messed around? Messed around?!

Seventeen Hail Marys
and five minutes outside.

So, Sister, what you are saying
is that Hudson Hawk... not willingly working
for the Mayflowers...

...but that Kaplan
and the candy bars are?

I thought we were using the CIA
to get to Mayflower...

...but the CIA is using me
to keep us away from Mayflower.

Oh, the pope warned me
never to trust the CIA.

If the Mayflowers get all three crystals
for the gold machine...

...the world economy will be ruined.


Lord help us.

But what of Tommy Five-Tone,
Hawk's friend? Where's his loyalty?

I'm going to find out.

But you must remember, Sister... have your vows to God
as well as your mission to the world.

Yes, Your Eminence.

Just say, "God go with me."

God go with you, Sister.




Jolly good shot, sir.

Oh, Hudson Hawk.

You cease to amaze me, convict.

You are a terrible cat burglar.

Haven't you ever seen,
like, David Niven?

Tiptoe in, tiptoe out.

Like a cat, one would say.

I could take it back.

Let me do that.
I don't care.

Oh, you two! There's nothing
I hate more than failure.

All you had to do
was follow the Hawk.

It's not like I said teach
our nation's children how to read.

I suppose we're just going to
have to kill them.

God, Minerva, I was just joking.

Get away from there, convict.
Just browsing.

Don't hurt him.
We need him for the final job.

Oh, really?

Don't hurt him?

Even if he does this?

What about this?

Surely, this must offend!

Things are really heating up
at the Castle Vinci tonight!

Ooh, mamma mia, pizzeria!

May I call you Minnie?

You put your left foot in
You put your left foot out

Come to think of it,
there is a part of your body...

...that you won't be needing
for your next job.

I always did wanna
sing like Frankie Valli.

Big boys don't cry.

Three minutes, 27 seconds.

Look, you Eddie Munster-looking

...somebody better tell me what's going on,
or I ain't gonna move another muscle.

I wanna be treated like an adult.
That's fair.

Now go to your room.


So, Captain Hawk,
in one of your paws...'ve got a gold bar
worth about eight thou.

In the autre, you've got lead
that won't get you gelato.

Surely a master thief like you
can tell the difference.

That's one down. Kitty Carlisle.

Cool, isn't it?

Weight, feel, malleability.
They're all but identical.

On the periodic chart of elements
they're but one proton apart.

Great minds worked for centuries
to turn worthless into priceless.


Alchemy is the business term
of the '90s, my man.

Minerva read it in an airline magazine
about four years ago.

I dumped some lire into research
and, shazam!

We come across a diary
by one of Da Vinci's assistants...

...detailing la macchina d'oro...

"The gold machine,"
for the hoes at home.

...And the rest is
about to become history.

Money isn't everything.

Gold is.

Fuck T-bills!

Fuck blue-chip stocks!

Fuck junk bonds!

We've got the real deal.

Money will always be paper...

...but gold will always be gold.

After a couple of years
of steady production...

...we'll flood the market
with so much gold...

...that gold itself,
the foundation of all finance...

...will lose its meaning.

Brokers, economists,
fellow entrepreneurs...

...will drown in the saliva
of their own nervous breakdowns.

Sounds like a party.

Markets will crash-crash.

Financial empires
will crumble-crumble.

Except yours-yours.

In 1992, baby...

...the European superpowers
are coming together... form one business superpower.

And that's one party
we're gonna love to poop.

Well, that's set.

The last ingredient in the recipe
is Da Vinci's model of a helicopter.

On display for three days only
at the Louvre, in Paris.

As opposed to the Louvre
in Wisconsin?

Shut up.
You'll make me lose my place.

You're gonna have
to go in at night.

_ The security will be overwhelming.
Twelve guards...

Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Okay, time out.

I choose not to accept
the assignment, Mr. Phelps.

Put me in jail. Put me and...

Jail, you asshole?!

Our foot soldiers
will blow your brains out.

Bunny? Ball-ball.

I'll torture you so slowly,
you'll think it's a career.

I'll kill your friends, your family
and the bitch you took to the prom.

Betty Jo Biarsky? I can get you
an address on that, if you want.

You have a dilemma, tiger.

And I think I know what's gonna
help you solve it.

I'll kill you all!

I swear to God. I'll kill that butler.
I'll kill that little yappy dog.

I'm sick of this!

I hated cigarettes until I saw
my first "no smoking" sign.

"Keep off the grass"?

Let's play soccer.

The only law I cared for
was friendship.

I broke that one, too, didn't I?

I just don't think that it's such a smoking
hot idea to leave them in there alone.

Relax, George.

That's why we hired the
pasta-slurping Guinea to begin with... keep Hawk in line.

This Gates-Mario brothers-
CIA-Mayflower-Da Vinci thing...

I mean, it seemed like
a sweet deal.

Visit foreign lands,
take their treasures.

I don't know, Eddie,
I thought you'd get into it.

It's better than playing darts
with M.B.A.s at the bar.

But I didn't think
it was gonna be like this.

Them using me to use you.

I'm sorry, Eddie...

...but there's only
one way out of this...

...and it's gonna hurt me
more than it's gonna hurt you.

They'll talk about being buddies
and chugging brewskis.

You've got to love male bonding.

You fucked my freedom
for a lousy job?

Come on!

You know something, Eddie?

You hit like a girl!
Oh, really?

I was only kidding.


Tommy! No!


Plan B, George.

Plan B?

No sweat, Tommy. You just made
the biggest mistake of my life.

Don't act like you never
committed a crime before.

I know I made a bad call.
What was your per diem?

Thank God you're dead.
It was so beautiful.

When those blanks went off,
everybody freaked.

Ketchup. You can't beat Heinz 57.

You fucked my freedom for a job?

You don't understand.
I said I was sorry.

You better be glad I don't hit women,
assuming you are a woman,

because from now on,
I ain't taking nothing for granted.

Hey, look, Eddie, I'm sorry.
Hudson, I'm sorry.

I work for a covert Vatican
humanitarian organization...

...and the CIA
made a fool out of me.

What's more...
Hey, man...

...I care for you.
...l love you.

Then what's this?
Where did you get that?

The Da Vinci castle.

You know, the place where you
gave the bad guys the Codex.

That's from the gold machine.

So they really were that
close to making it work.

But now that they lost the services
of the world's greatest cat burglar...

...and his dead partner...

They won't be able to steal
the third piece of the crystal.

And we get to go home.

Five-Tone, let me ask you something.
Go ahead.

Why do they leave all these rocks
and shit laying out in the backyard?

They're called ruins, Eddie.

Ruins, huh?
Yeah, ruins.

Good name.

He had this look on his face
when we caught him. It was like...

I never saw a look on a face like this
when he got caught.

I swear to God,
he was so embarrassed.

You know,
speaking of being caught...

...isn't the CIA gonna think
to check out this place?

No, they fell for the fake death.

They think Hawk's been arrested.

Kaplan and the candy bars were seen
by my sources boarding a plane out of Rome.

Where to?

Five-Tone, will you quit
worrying about it, man.

I'm not worried, alright,
I'm just being cautious.

Okay, guys.
On that note, it's time for bed.

I couldn't agree more.

Tommy, you're gonna sleep here.

Where are you gonna sleep?
What do you think?

Oh, yeah. Good night.

I'll get you some sheets.

Yeah, we'll get you some sheets.

It's a very special night.
Yes, it was.


There's some things
you don't know about me.

But there's some things
I do know about you...

...and about me,
and about that bed.

This is not the time, Hudson.

Look, can't we just have
a late-night cappuccino?

I'm sorry, but the machine's
still set up for poisonous foam.

Oh, yeah. I remember.
Good night.

Good night.

Don't even think about it.

Don't say another word.

It's a very special night

Very funny. Very funny, Tommy.

Good morning.

The license plates on the police van
had a Vatican prefix.

I'm losing respect for you guys.

You were that close
to getting away with this crap.

Get up.
Now, where's Anna?

You know, George,
it's nice of you guys to drop by...

...but next time,
you might want to phone ahead.

Why don't you come back in a half-hour.

Grab ourselves a shower,
pick up some croissants and shit.

I really wish I could come up with this
glib repartee, the way you guys can.

But I can't.
So I'll just paralyze you. A.J.?

Curare darts.

When it comes
to instantaneous loss...

...of all physical control
below the neck...

...I highly recommend them.
Eddie, I can't move!

I'm gonna rip
their fucking tongues out!

Come here, you chickenshit
son of a bitches!

Come here!
My head against yours.

Fair fight!

This is how I go out.
Like a hunk of frozen Play-Doh?

Like a Gumby in the store?

What the fuck are you la...?
Keep laughing, Jumbo.

You made it come out of my nose.

Keep that shit up!

This is no way, George,
to get me to rob the Louvre.

The Louvre'?

The Louvre, Hawk,
is yesterday's news.

Or should I say this morning's?

I admit we displayed
a lack of nuance.

Didn't wear black,
didn't sing "Swinging on a Star."

Well, we weren't being judged
for neatness...

...only results.

Goddamn it. Yanks lose again.

How did the Mets do?
Can you turn to section B.

You guys may be
the fairest cat burglars of them all...

...but if you weren't
such snobs...

...a lot of those guards at the Louvre
might still be alive.

But that's irrelevant now.

You're irrelevant now.

Because tonight... the Castle Da Vinci...

...we make gold!

Rise and shine, sleepyheads.

Ah, more babes for the party.

Hi, Anna.
Hi, Anna.

Don't be stupid, Mr. Kaplan.
Give me the crystal.

Anna Baragli...

Came to play!


You're not gonna shoot
little old me, are you?

You're not gonna
shoot little old anybody.

Pull the trigger. Shoot.
Shoot, Anna.

I read your dossier...

Pull the trigger!

Why did she call you Sister?

I'm sorry, Hudson,
I meant to tell you.

He didn't know.
He didn't know!

Know what?

Hawk likes a nun!

Those better be tears
you're crying, Tommy.

They are.

It doesn't mean I don't love you.

Oh, no. You love me. It's your job!

You probably love
Butterfingers over there.

Well, yeah.

In a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.

But you...


Well, Miss Baragli's Da Vinci expertise
allows her to go on to the next course.

And as for you guys...
Sorry, guys.

A souvenir.


Later, guys.
Easy for you to say.

Guys, we got some good news
and some bad news.

The good news is you'll be completely
unparalyzed in about two minutes.

The bad news is that leaves you only
five seconds to defuse the bombs.


I'm so glad it had to be like this.

I'll just shoot one in the kitchen
for good measure.

Almond Joy! More paralysis!

You can move?

This is what I get
for darting a nun!

Get this fucking thing off my head!

Tommy, look at Snickers.
He's about to have a bad migraine.

Maybe it was a dud.

I don't know. It must be the curare.

It's been known to have
certain side effects.

Oh, really, George?

I feel like a dolphin
who's never tasted melted snow.

Listen, Anna. The apprentice's diary
contains a code...

...that explains how the three
pieces of crystal fit together.

If you could do us the honor...

...and decipher how the code works,
we would be eternally grateful.

What does the color blue
taste like?

Bobo knows.

I must speak with the dolphins now.

(making dolphin noises)

Just shoot her. Anybody?

Darwin, this is supposed to
be torture, not therapy.

Eddie, the old man said
turn left at the fork.

He said turn right.

If you wanna save Anna,
you gotta find the castle first.

Quit pushing.
I'm not pushing.

Count of three?
Why not just go now?

Okay. Hey, Tommy.

Who are you, Bob Hope for Texaco?
What the hell are you talking about?

What are you doing with that golf bag?
I got a plan.

Is it a great plan?
A great big plan.

Tommy, let me ask you something.
Go ahead.

How do I look?
You look great. What, are you kidding?

No. I want you to tell me.
Come on.

I've been away a long time.

Eddie, Eddie, we're hanging
off a castle in the middle of Italy...

...and you're asking me
how you look?

Okay, okay. You don't gotta get...

You look gorgeous.

You look like fucking Zorro.
Well, I didn't know.



A lifetime of service
and it's come to this.

The dolphin is dead.

The dolphin is...

Come on, you bitch!

I'm not a very good damsel
in a dress, am I?

"You must pay the rent!"
"But I can't pay the rent."

(making dolphin noises)

Yo, Flipper.

A damsel in distress implies that there
is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right...

...galloping up to save you.

It ain't gonna happen.

Hudson Hawk go boom-boom.
He dead.

I'm thinking of using the 7 iron.
Looks long, junior.

Six iron?

Thank you. Fore!


Did anybody hear something?

Can you fucking believe...?

I heard something.

Did you set the timer on that thing?

From now on, please set the timer.

Come on, Butterfinger.
I think it's time for Plan C, darling.

Kit Kat, you guard
the Mayflowers with your life.

Oh, Kit Kat. Are you really
going to guard us with your life?

Kit Kat!

A double crossbow
for a double-cross.

Oh, Alfie, you dry British madman.

Thank you.
Catch you later, baby.

Why did you that?
Try this one, Sister.

Thou shalt not share.

It's in the hole!
The gallery's ecstatic!

Oh, he's gotta be happy with that one, Tommy.

So what do you say, Eddie?

Two and half minutes to save Anna,
three and a half minutes to save the world?

6-0-0. "Side by Side"?

♪ Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money ♪

♪ We may be ragged
and funny ♪

♪ But we'll travel along ♪

Hit it, Eddie!

♪ Singin' a song ♪

♪ Side by side ♪

Yeah, let's go down this way.

Maybe we'd better go this way.

Okay. This way.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
We'd better split up.

I'll take the front nine, you take the back
nine. And we'll meet back at the clubhouse.

Hey, Tommy.

Looking good, my man.


How you doing?
Hi! How you doing?

Three, two, one.
Three, two, one.

Go in.

Brief the Mayflowers
on the current situation.

You got it, coach.

♪ Through all kinds of weather ♪

♪ What if the sky should fall? ♪

♪ Just as long as we're together ♪

♪ It doesn't matter at all ♪

♪ When they've all had
their quarrels and parted ♪

♪ We'll be the same
as we started ♪

♪ Just sailin' along ♪

♪ Singin' our song ♪

♪ Side by... ♪


I'll take that, sir.

Hey, coach. Looks bad.

I think those Mayflowers
set us up.

Jumbo, we hardly knew you.

Since you're not gonna tell us
what we want to know...

then I think it's time for you to report
to the head office in heaven, Sis.

If you see the big guy,
tell him he's a loser.

That's it.

That didn't hurt.

Try this.

What do you say now,
you centrally intelligent scumsicle?

Getting old, George?

Tommy, you New York-Italian-father-
made-20-bucks-a-week son of a bitch!

You were hired as bait...

...and on this simple task,
you have betrayed me.

Do you have an answer why?
I got five of them.

One! Two!

Three! Four!

Just one more. Five!

That didn't... Hurt.

How do I stop this?

My hat.

I guess you never fucked
with nobody from Hoboken before.


...we're supposed
to be saving you.

I'm sorry.
I got bored, so I saved myself.

We still gotta get
them crystal pieces, don't we?

Got them right here, cowboy.

"Got them right here, cowboy."

Sounds like Tommy.


Alfred, I won't be needing
the car any more.





MY Pension!

Friend of yours?

Hudson, look...


Anna! Hawkmeister!

You're probably wondering
why you're still alive.

We're still having a little problem
putting this damn crystal together.

Alfie and I have
been at it all night.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Don't do it, Hudson.

Besides, we don't
have much choice, do we?

Oh, Hawk, don't ever change.

Nice Hawk.

Nice Hawk.

Bad Hawk!

Why is the world jam-packed
with such idiots?

Every schmo has the fantasy that
the planet revolves around them.

It rains. A car crash stops traffic.

You say, "How can
this happen to me?"

But for us, this isn't a fantasy.

It is a reality.

Oh, yes. If Da Vinci
was alive today...

...he'd be eating
microwave sushi, naked... the back of a Cadillac
with the both of us.

The project of his life... now the toy of mine.

History, tradition, culture
are not concepts.

These are trophies I keep in my den
as paperweights.

The chaos we will cause the world
with this machine...

...will be our final masterpiece.

Go, team, go!

Go, team, go!

Go, team, go!



Eureka, motherfucker!

Well, you should feel very good
about yourself.

Let me ask you something.

What would happen if I didn't put
that crystal together exactly right?

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say, for example,
I left out...

...this little piece of mirror here.

Would that be bad?
Real bad.


Minerva! Minerva!


Your turn.
My turn?

How'd it get to be my turn?
I just killed Darwin and Minerva!

Definitely your tum.

All right. Just stay over here
and try to stay out of the way, alright?



Thou shalt not kill!
Thou shalt not kill!


Stop helping me!

Hey, Alfred... won't be attending
that hat convention in July.

My turn?

With this dog, now?

Oh, Bunny.


Come on, puppy chow, gotta go.

Here we go.

Move your hand! Take it away!

Just hang on.

Oh, Leonardo.

Go, Leonardo!

Oh, baby!

Hi, kids.

Yes, Hudson?

Can I ask you something?


Will you play Nintendo with me?

I can't think of anybody
I'd rather play Nintendo with.

Wait a minute.

What about your boss?
What boss?

You know.

Oh, I think he wants me
to keep an eye on you.

You know, I think he wants you
to keep an eye on me too.

Because I got criminal tendencies.

Can I buy you a cappuccino?

Can I give you a kiss?

I just wish Tommy were here.

No way.

That's not very nice.

No way!

Yes way!

Did I miss anything?

Did you miss anything?

You're supposed to be all crashed up
at the bottom of the hill.

Air bags.
Can you fucking believe it?

You're supposed to be blown up
into fiery chunks of flesh.

Sprinkler system
set up in the back.

Can you fucking believe it?!

Yeah, that's probably
what happened.

Drink your cappuccino.

Hey. Drink your coffee.

With the world saved and
the secrets of Da Vinci protected...

...Eddie finally got his coffee.

♪ Would you like
to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams
home in a jar ♪

♪ And be better off
than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather be a fish ♪

♪ A fish won't do anything
but swim in a brook ♪

♪ He can't write his name
or read a book ♪

♪ To fool the people
is his only thought ♪

♪ And though he's slippery
he still gets caught ♪

♪ But then if that
sort of life is what you wish ♪

♪ You may grow up
to be a fish ♪

♪ And all the monkeys
aren't in a zoo ♪

♪ Every day you meet quite a few ♪

♪ So you see
it's all up to you ♪

♪ You could be better
than you are ♪

♪ You could be swingin'
on a star ♪♪