Huckleberry Finn (1974) - full transcript

Huckleberry Finn, a rambuctious boy adventurer chafing under the bonds of civilization, escapes his humdrum world and his selfish, plotting father by sailing a raft down the Mississippi River. Accompanying him is Jim, a slave running away from being sold. Together the two strike a bond of friendship that takes them through harrowing events and thrilling adventures.

Life is a wink of time

Heaven's a lonely climb

The road is so dark and long

Paved with all kinds of wrong

And freedom, freedom


Man's got to make his own

Sun warms the earth below

Earth drinks the winter snow

Seas feed the winds

That blow

Rain makes the grain

To grow

And freedom, freedom


Man's got to make his own

We're all born to live with love to give

Free in the heart and mind

We're all born to be

With a soul that's free

Man made the chains that bind


Talking about freedom


Man's got to make his own

God made the sun to rise

And God made the earth and skies

God made the seas and plains

God made the winds and rains

And freedom



Man's got to make his own

Freedom, freedom


Man's got to make his own



Man's got to make

His own

Huck, oh, ho, Huckleberry, Huck

Say, hey, say, Huckleberry, Huck, oh, ho

Huckleberry, say Huckleberry Finn

Huckleberry Finn,
say Huckleberry, Huckleberry Finn

To the possum, you're the next of kin

Hey, Huckleberry, Huckleberry Finn

Boss is gonna get you, gonna fetch you home

Say, Huck, hey, gonna bet
you're somewhere off alone

- You all seen Huckleberry?
- No, Jim.

Hey, Huckleberry, Huckleberry Finn,
Huckleberry, where you be?

Huck, oh, Huck, Huckleberry, where you be?

Huckleberry, where you be?
Huckleberry, where you be?

Marybelle, have you seen Huckleberry?

No, not around here, I haven't.

All right. Thank you.

Sun's a-setting in the same old place

Moon's about to climb the sky

You're a-wasting all my time a-chasing

'Cause your supper is about to fry

Mr. Tompkins, has Huck Finn
been in here today?

No, he hasn't.

Well, I best go on down to the river then.
Thank you.

Huck, oh, ho, Huckleberry, Huck

Oh, ho Huckleberry, Huck, say, hey

Hey, Huckleberry Huck, oh, ho

Huckleberry, hey, Huckleberry Finn

Folks are cozyin' to home about now

That's where they're supposed to be

But you're out moseyin', so I been chosen

To fetch you back to home with me

Huckleberry, where you be? Huck, oh, Huck

Huckleberry, where you be?
Huckleberry, where you be?

Huckleberry, where you be?

Jim. Oh, I knew it wasn't no catfish.

That tug was more like a whale.

You got to get home quick.
The ladies is waitin' supper on you now.

Well, I know you don't want no more
punishment, now, do you, Huckleberry?

- Oh, heck, no.
- All right then, let's go.

And Mr. Dobbins said all you have to do
is learn to apply yourself better.

He said you have good natural intelligence,

and you learn very fast.

He could be the head of the class.
If he'd only try!

I'd like to see him the head
of the Sunday school class.

In fact, I'd just like to see him
in his Sunday school class!

Just what was your lesson for next Sunday?

Mmm, Moses and the bull rushers.

Huckleberry dear,

my sister and I
are only concerned about your future.

Judge Thatcher put that buried
treasure money that you found into a trust.

When you come of age, you're going to be
a young gentleman of considerable means.

You don't have to end up like your father.

A derelict, with his body
floating down the river.

Sometimes, I get the feeling
that Pap ain't dead.

That body they found floatin'
was floatin' face up.

And everybody knows
that a dead man floats face down.

Leastwise, that's the feelin' I get.

Better get upstairs
and do your studyin' now, Huckleberry.

Yes, ma'am.

And it wouldn't hurt to take
another look at that chapter

on Moses in the Bullrushes.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm getting more concerned
about that boy every day.

Oh, Sister, you worry too much.

You think you're a good
deal of a big bug, don't you?

Pap, you ain't dead!

You've put on considerable frills
since I been away.

You can read and write.

Who told you, you might meddle
with such highfalutin foolishness, huh?

- The widder.
- The widder, eh?

Who told the widder
she could put in her shovel of a thing

that ain't none of her business?

- Nobody, Pap.
- I'll learn people to bring up a boy

to put on airs over his own father.

Let on to be better than what he is.

They say you're rich, eh? How's that?

Well, I found some money, Pap.
They put it in a trust till...


Mr. Finn!

What are you doing?

What do you want?

What I'm doing is learnin' my son not to lie!

And what I want is what's rightfully mine!

The money he's lyin' about!

- Come on!
- Huckleberry has no money.

None he can put his hands on.

All I know is I want a thousand dollars.

Now if you ever want to see this kid again,
you will have it to me in two days. Come on!

We are poor women,
where would we get that much money?

Oh, you're a poor woman, ain't you?

With a big, healthy slave down there
who'll fetch a fine piece of money

from the slave traders.

- Come on!
- Please, Mr. Finn!

Mr. Finn, please let me talk to you.

Mr. Finn, please. Please.

Don't take him away from me, Mr. Finn!

Two days! You have the money here.

I'll be back!

- Honey.
- Jim?

I gotta go.

- Jim, what are you...
- I gotta go now.

- I gotta get away from here.
- Got to go?

What did you do, Jim?

I ain't done nothin',

but they're gonna sell me
to the slave traders.

- Not Miss Watson.
- She can't help it.

Huck's pappy came and took him away.

Well then, and the ladies,
they need the money to buy Huck back.

Jim, you know what
they do to runaway slaves.

They catch you, they whip you,

they truss you up like a hog!

But if they sell me,
then I may as well be dead.

'Cause I won't never see you no more.

But where will you go?

Where will you hide?

I'm gonna try to make it to the free states.

To, well, to Cairo, Illinois.
That's, that's the closest place.

Cairo? Well, that must be
1,000 miles from here.

Someday, there ain't gonna
be no more goodbyes.

Someday, honey, darlin'

Won't be tears in your eyes

And someday we'll be standing

With our heads held up high

Smilin' and a laughin'

Just for no reason why

I see it plain that somehow,
I don't know now

But I know we'll be fine

Trust me, oh, honey, trust me

'Cause I've seen me a sign

That someday, honey, darlin'

Don't know how long it be

Honey, darlin'

Honey, darlin'

You must remember this

Though I'm going far away

It's gonna be all sunshine and singin'


I can't explain, but somehow

I don't know now

But I know we'll be fine

You, me and the baby

Oh, I've seen me that sign

That someday, honey, darlin'

Don't know how long it be

Honey, darlin'

Honey, darlin'

You belong just to me

Help me! Help me! Let me out!

- Let me out!
- Pap, Pap, wake up!

Pap, you was having
another one of your fits.

Ah, it ain't fair.

You sleep sound
while I got the demons chasing me.

Like I won't get no sleep till I'm dead!

Get yourself down to the lines,
see if we got any breakfast.

What's taking you so long?

Hurry up.

We got any fish?

Yeah, Pa!

I fell in, Pap.

It ain't so bad, us being together again,
is it, Pap?

Just don't get too comfortable about it.

Soon as I get that money,
I don't care if you go straight to hell.

You've been bad luck for me
since the day you was born.

You killed your mother gettin' born,
you know that!

I'm goin' across to Hannibal now

and your two sweet old ladies
better have my $1,000.

My son comes into money,
I'll tell you what I see

Two gospel spouting biddies
is stealin' it from me

I never got a tumble, I never got a break

But now my luck's a-changing,
I'll get all I can take

Rotten luck, filthy rotten luck

The only kind of luck I ever had

Rotten luck, stinkin' rotten luck

But now, at last, my luck

Ha, it ain't so bad

They're all liars!

Runaway slave! Like hell he run away!




Thieving murderers!

Huck, Huck.

Huck, can you hear me?


Here sit up. Take it easy now.

There you are.

- Now rest easy, right there.
- Oh!

Take it easy.

Here drink this.

Oh, I gave you up for dead
almost two days ago.

- What happened, Jim?
- Snakebite.

Only thing to do is cut a hex,
suck out the poison and pray.

- What's this?
- That's a hex.

Now I ain't superstitious or nothing,

but with a friend's life,
you don't wanna take too many chances.

Gosh, Jim, thanks for saving my life.

Well, don't thank me,
you best thank that hex.

They been comin' past this island,
every day, shooting off them cannons,

tryin' to raise your body.
I heard 'em talkin' from the boats, Huck.

You supposed to be murdered.

Well, I just had to get away from Pap,

so I broke out and I killed me this wild pig,

then I bloodied up the place real smart.

Boy, they tell me it's real bad luck
makin' out like you're dead.

How'd you come to get here, Jim?

I ran away, Huck.

You ran away?

Well, now you know
and now they your troubles, too.

So I figured I die showin' nothin'
they sell me down in New Orleans

to them slave traders.

So I come here and I'm just about finished
building me this raft with a

wigwam on it,

and nice dry sand on the floor.

Well, anywhere you land,
they gonna pick you up for runaway.

Don't you know that?

Not if I make it to the
free states, they ain't.

Free states? That's pretty far.

Cairo, Illinois.

We gonna chadugga, dugga on
down to the river to the free states.

Chadugga dugga, doo dah, do chadugga, dugga

Doo, dah, do dah, do,
gotta get away to Cayroe, ayeroe

Gotta get away to Cayroe, ayeroe

Down the river a thousand miles,
that's where we're gonna live in style

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

Dah, do, chadugga, dugga,
do do, dah, do, dah, do

Gonna get a store in Cayroe, ayeroe

Gonna build a house - Where?

In Cayroe, ayeroe

Gonna get a store and sell dry goods
and build my house in the piney woods

In Cayroe, ayeroe - Illinois?

That's it! You got it!

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois - Illinois

- Do, dah, chadugga, dugga
- Do, dah, do, dah, do

Gonna catch a boat from Cayroe, ayeroe

Down to New Orleans from Cayroe, ayeroe

What you know about New Orleans?

Gonna ship on out from New Orleans

Sail to the land of the coffee beans

From Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

From Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

Gotta get away

To Cayroe, ayeroe, gotta get away

To Cayroe, ayeroe

Down the river a thousand miles,
that's where we're gonna live in style

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

Da chadugga, dugga, do, dah, do, dah, do

Gonna get rich in Cayroe, ayeroe

Rich as an Egyptian pharaoh, ayeroe

Gonna buy my child

Buy my wife

And we're gonna live that rich free life

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

In Cayroe, ayeroe


Dah, do, chadugga, dugga, do, dah, do

Chadugga, dugga do, dah, do

Dah, do

Jim, look.

Hey, looks like a wrecked house boat.

Looks like she hasn't been aground too long.

You know, Huck, we just may be in luck.

I'll see what we can find.

Oh, we gonna feast fancy tonight.


Find anything?

Nothing. There ain't nothin' in there,
but a dead man.

It ain't nothin' but a house of death.
Let's get out of here.

Goshen should be over there.

Huck, we're lost.

Well, let's head for that cove over there.

I'll find out where we are.

Who is it?

Just me, ma'am.

Well, who's "just me"?

Sara Williams, ma'am.

Well, whereabouts you live?
In this neighborhood?

In Bookerville. I've walked
all the way and I'm all tired out.

Hungry, too, I reckon.
I'll fetch you something to eat.

Come in. Take a chair.

Thank you, ma'am, but I ain't hungry.

You see, my mother's down sick
and out of money and everything.

And, well, I come to visit my uncle

and, well, I never been
here in Goshen before.

Goshen? This ain't Goshen, child,
this is St. Petersburg.

St. Petersburg?

Goshen's 30 miles up the river.

Who told you this was Goshen?

Why, a man I met this mornin'.

Well, he was drunk, I reckon.

And, you poor thing, walkin' around
with a murderin' runaway slave

hidin' out in these parts.

A murderin' slave?

Killed a lad named Huck Finn.

Near Hannibal.
It's an $800 reward on his head.

What did you say your name was, honey?

Mary Williams.

I thought you said it was Sara
when you first come in.

Uh, yes, ma'am, I did.
It's Sara Mary Williams.

Oh, that's the way it is, is it?

Yes, ma'am.

Maybe you'll find a bigger needle in there.
What your real name?

Is it Tom, Dick, Bob? What is it?

Please don't poke fun at a poor girl like me.
If I'm in your way, I'll...

Just sit right down there.
You're a runaway apprentice, ain't you?

Well, ma'am...

Yes, ma'am.

I won't tell on you, don't worry.

Now tell me all about it.

My mother and father's dead

and the law, well, they bound me
out to this mean old farmer in the country.

And so I stole some of
his daughter's old clothes and cleared out.

When a cow's laying down,
which end of her gets up first?

Hind end, ma'am.

Well, then a horse?

Forward end, ma'am.

If 15 cows is browsing on a hillside,

how many of them eats
facing in the same direction?

Well, the whole 15, ma'am.

Well, I reckon you have lived in the country.

I thought you was trying to hocus me again.

No, ma'am.

Tell me what's your real name?

George Peters, ma'am.

Well, try to remember it, George.

Yes, ma'am.

You do a girl tolerable poor.

Trot along to your uncle,
Sarah Mary Williams George Peters.

You'll fetch Goshen by going through town
and following the river up.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

Mind you, boy, go through town.

Whatever you do,
don't cut through that plantation.

No, ma'am. Good night, ma'am.

Be done, boys, hush!

- Who be you?
- George Jackson, sir.

Stand up, boy.

What you doin' prowlin' around here
this time of the night for?

I'm lost. Fell overboard off the steamboat.


Now look here, you're tellin' the truth,
you needn't be afraid.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

His clothes are dry, Pa.

How come your clothes are dry,
George Jackson?

Well, I fell off this afternoon.

George Jackson,
are you kin to the Shepherdsons?

No, sir.

Do you know the Shepherdson's?

No, sir, I never heard of 'em.

Mr. Jackson, I'm Colonel Saul Grangerford,

and these are my sons.

It would be my distinct pleasure to
have you as our guest here at Grangerford.

Give me your arm, boy!

Come in.

Mr. Jackson, sir? My name is Buck.

And whiles you're here
at Grangerford Manor,

I will be your personal
manservant and valet.

Well, would you mind
fetching me out of this here contraption?

You see, I usually does
my body washing in the river.

Here at Grangerford Manor,

there are only gentle folks
and they do all their body washin'

inside the house.

What's this?

This is your nightcap, sir.

All gentle folks wear this.

Night, Mr. Jackson.

Good night.


Mornin', family.

Good mornin', Papa.

Sleep well, Mr. Jackson?

Oh, yes, thank you, sir.

But, if it's all right with you,
I'd like to leave after breakfast.

Don't worry, boy,
we won't let you outstay your welcome.

Mr. Jackson, you look
like a bright young man.

- Well, thank you, sir.
- Tell me, Mr. Jackson,

where was Moses when the candle went out?

Well, I don't know. I
never heard of it before.

Was he in the bull rushers?

Well, guess.

How can I guess if I
never heard of it before?

Well, you can guess, can't you?

It's just as easy.

Which candle?

Any candle.

I don't know where he was. Where was he?

Why, he was in the dark,
that's where he was.

Miss Charlotte.

Thank you, Mitzi.

I have just composed my finest poem.

It's all about a boy by the name
of Stephen Dowling Botts,

that fell down a well and was drownded.


Would you like me to read my poem?

I'd be mighty obliged, Miss Emmeline.

Ode to Stephen Dowling Botts, deceased.

And did young Stephen sicken?

And did young Stephen die?

And did the sad hearts thicken?

And did the mourners cry?

No, such was not the fate
of young Stephen Dowling Botts.

His soul did from this cold world fly.

By fallin' down a well.

Mighty inspirational, Miss Emmeline.
Mighty inspirational.

I'm so worried about Charlotte, so worried.

Don't fuss, Rachel honey, don't fuss.

Clive, I must apologize for Charlotte.

I came all the way from New Hope.

I know and I'm most sorry.

Just a few friends and relations,
Mr. Jackson.

Handsome tradition, don't you think?

Oh, yes, sir.

Drink up, Mr. Jackson.

Good Grangerford punch.

Saul, you don't seem to understand.

I haven't seen hide nor hair of our Charlotte
since early afternoon

and she knows cousin Clive's come
all the way from New Hope to see her.

I sent Jason into town to find her.
Don't fret, Rachel, honey, she'll be along.

My daughters prepared
a little entertainment for you.

So you all gather around.

I found a rose in a Bible

Who knows the story it told

Pressed there with joy or with a tear

It was just a forgotten


Is our love

A rose in a Bible

A bud that will lose its perfume

Please tell me no

Say that our love will grow

Like the flower

Forever in bloom

Now would all you gentlemen
and ladies join us?

I found a rose in a Bible

Who knows the story it told

Pressed there with joy or with a tear

Mr. Jackson, sir.

Thank you.

Aren't you going
to ask me for a dance, Mr. Jackson?

Ma'am, I don't rightly know.

Is our love a rose in a Bible

A bud that will lose its perfume


Please tell me no

Say that our love will grow

Like a flower

Forever in...

Pa! She run off!

Charlotte, she run off! My own sister!

She run off and eloped
with Harvey Shepherdson!

Horses! Weapons!

We're gonna kill us some
Shepherdsons tonight!

No need for horses, Pa.

The Shepherdsons are
surrounding the place now.

Put out the candles!

All women and children into the wine cellar.

Buck! Buck!

Buck! He's my gun bearer, my loader!

Mr. Jackson, I think you're
man enough to watch me kill

some of those Shepherdsons.

I think you're gonna enjoy it.

Thank you, Buck. Stay with me.
Snuff out the lights.

Polluters! Defilers of
our Shepherdson blood!

Tonight we spill Grangerford blood!

It's a matter of honor!

Bull's eye!

A feud is a funny thing, Mr. Jackson.

A man has a quarrel with another man

and he kills him.

Then that other man's brother.

He kills him.

Then the other brothers on both sides,

they go for one another.

Then the cousins chip in.

Will you be so kind as to rip down
that drape and stamp out the fire?

I'd be ever so grateful to you, Mr. Jackson.

Buck! Give me my pistol!


Bring me some punch.

Take your coat off, Mr. Jackson,
you're into action now.

Thank you, Buck.

How long has this feud
been goin' on, Colonel?

Oh, 60 years or somewhere about that.

What was the trouble about?

I don't rightly know.
It was about some land or something.

Who done the shootin'?
Was it Grangerford or was it Shepherdson?

Good shot, Harry.

That, Mr. Jackson,
is entirely beside the point.

It has now become a matter of honor.

Come with me, Mr. Jackson, come with me.

Come on, Mr. Jackson, now's your chance.

River's down there.

If I was you, Mr. Jackson, I'd get myself
far away from these here gentle folks.

Thank you, Buck. I'm much obliged to you.

Mr. Jackson!

Mr. Jackson, sir.

Mr. Jackson, sir.

Oh, Mr. Jackson.

I was only playin' possum.

- Goodbye, Buck.
- Goodbye.



Huckleberry, is that you? Huckleberry!

- Jim!
- Huckleberry!

I never been happier
to see somebody in my whole life!

Thank God you're all right. I heard them
shots and I thought they'd killed you.

- What did they do to you? Nothin'.
- Let's not lose any time.

Let's shove off for the big water
as fast as we can!

That must have been Goshen back there.

We come 30 miles, Jim.


You know, there ain't no home like a raft.

Other places seem so cramped up
and smothery. A raft doesn't.

You feel mighty free and easy
and comfortable on a raft.

There's only one thing bothers me
and that's folks thinking I murdered you.

My being called a runaway,
that don't bother me at all.

But I don't wanna be called no murderer.

Well, you know I can't show
my face back to Hannibal.

And tell folks I haven't been murdered.

They'd send me back to Pap for sure.

The way I see it,
we just gotta stick together now.

I'm your only evidence.

Turn it in this here cove.

Yes, sir.

I can't wait till we get to Cairo.

I'm gonna catch me one of them big boats

and gonna ship out as a cabin boy
to South America.

And then I'm gonna start
my own coffee plantation.

There's lots of money in coffee beans,

but me, I'm gonna stay in dry goods.

What the matter, Jim?

Slave hunters.

Who's that yonder?

It's just a raft, sir.

Any men on it?

Uh, just one and me!


Hush up, Jim.

Well, there's five niggers run off tonight
up yonder, above the head of the bend.

Your man white or black?

He's white, sir.

I reckon we'll see for ourselves.
Catch this here line.

Pap and me is much obliged to you.

I can tell you, everybody scoots off
when I want 'em to tow this

blamed raft ashore.

Well, that's infernal mean. Odd, too.

Say, boy, what's the matter
with your father?

Well, it ain't anything much.

Boy, you're hidin' somethin'.
What is the matter with your pap?

Well, please, just tow us to shore.

You won't have to get near the raft.

Your pap's got the small pox.

And you know it precious well.

Drop that line, boy! Confound it,
I just bet the wind's done blowed it to us!

Why didn't you come out and say so?
You wanna spread it all over?

Well, everybody else I told,
run off and left us.

Poor devil. We're downright sorry for you,

but, well, hang it, we don't
wanna get the small pox, don't you see?

Let's get out of here!

Goodbye, boy. Good luck.

If you see any runaway niggers,
you get help and nab them.

You can make some good money by it!

Thank you, sir. I won't
let any runaway get by me if I can help it.

I ain't no damn abolitionist!

Jim! Jim.

Huck, Huck, here I am.

Are they out of sight yet?


I'm gonna roast in hell forever
for all the lies I told for you.

You didn't have to get in the water.

Well, I didn't wanna take no chances.

You sure had them scared.


Well, we best spend the night on the shore.

Come on.

Come on, get them off the boat!

We'll have none of
that kind of thing around here!

Get them off the boat! Right now!

- You take your hands off me!
- Get off my ship!

- Do you have any idea...
- We'll have none of that!

Throw that riffraff...
Hey, take the scalawags off!

Now look here, you'll hear from my...

Card sharks! River hustlers!

First you fleece my passengers,
but that ain't enough.

Then you start takin' my whole crew!

Do you know, sir, to whom you are
speaking? Tell him, Bilgewater!

I'll have you know, sir,
that we are men of title!

The blood of kings flows through our veins!

Your rash, unfounded accusations
can only be looked upon with contempt, sir!

Throw off their luggage! Bring it up!


You, you go find my hatbox!

Hurry you lackeys.

Well, throw it, you idiot!

That should be done with it. Raise it up.

I hope that our undeserved fate
will haunt you forever, sir!

You are obviously the...

I told you we shouldn't have pulled
the Cincinnati double shuffle

on the first night.

It wasn't our performance, dear boy,

it was their pitiful lack of imagination.

Well, what are we gonna do next?

Not what are we gonna do,
it is whom are we gonna do.

Now, don't look now, but the next
recipients of our estimable companionship

are at this very moment
coming to our rescue.

Ahoy, ahoy, there!

Oh, alas. Oh, woe.

Cry, you idiot.

Well, why are you gawking?

Mocking us in our hour of degradation?

Be gone with you! Be gone, I say!

Do you need any help?

Help. What help can you give us
when fate has fetched us so low,

when we were once so high!

Let the cruel world do its worst,
but there's one thing we know,

- there's a grave somewhere for us.
- Yes.

The world will always go on as it
always has, and take everything from us.

Money, property, loved ones, everything!

But it can't take that.

Then one day we'll lay
our poor, broken hearts down in that grave

and rest in silence.

Well, what are you heaving
your poor, broken hearts at us for?

We're not blaming you.

It's the world that's brought us down.

Where was you brought down from?

Oh, you wouldn't believe us.
The world never believes

the secrets of our birth.

'Tis no matter. Let it pass.

Let it pass.

Secrets of your birth?

Wait a minute, you have a sympathetic face,

perhaps you would believe us.

My great grandmater on my pater's side

Became a baroness
then great grandpater died

When later great grandmater
again became a bride

She wed a duke so the royal strain

Was doubled when she wed again

Their son, my grand-pere

Became the rightful heir
but lost his lofty title

In a dubious game of chemin de fer

What a sad demise for the true dauphin

My daddy was Louis the 17

Thus I, but for a tragic happenstance

I'm His Majesty the King of France

The King of France?

You're looking at



Fouled and foiled, slightly soiled

But royalty

Born to reign all in vain

Fate was cruel, we should be ruling royalty

- Tell 'em about yourself Bilgey!
- Oh, well, I...

Never mind.

The Duke of Bilgewater
a hundred years gone by

Braved the broad Atlantic
to give the colonies a try

My grandfather's life was hard and brief

My mother stole matches and died of grief

Thus here, but for a cruel historic fluke

Is Lord Bilgewater

A full-fledged Duke

You're lookin' at


Royalty fouled and foiled

Slightly soiled but royalty

Born to reign all in vain

Fate was cruel, we should be ruling royalty

Well, can't we at least fetch
you down to the next town?

Oh, no, no, we couldn't
think of encroaching on your hospitality.

But since you insist, have your man servant
tote our belongings aboard

and let's get out of here.

Come on, Jim.

What should I call you?
Your Grace, My Lord or Your Lordship?

Well, we're traveling incognito,
you understand? You simply call me King.

Call him Bilgewater!
You may put that down, my good man?

You're looking at royalty, royalty

Lost our throne to rolling stones but royalty

Unlike you our blood is blue

Fate was cruel, we should be ruling royalty

Shove off, shove off!

You're lookin' at royalty,
you're lookin' at royalty

Fouled and foiled,
slightly soiled but royalty

Worn and torn but

To the manor born

Fate was cruel, we should be rulin'


Lower your eyes and bend your knee

You Jackanapes are gapin' at Royalty

I was up all night,
think I'll take a few winks of sleep.

Tell me, Jim,
you're a runaway slave, aren't you?

Who? Me? No, sir, now I ain't no runaway.

I mean you no harm, Jim.

It just seems mighty strange
for a young boy and a healthy black

like yourself to be shifting free
and easy here on this raft.

Headin' downriver straight for Cairo.

Which as any simple-minded fool knows

is exactly where a runaway slave
would just naturally gravitate.

Well, uh...

Oh, he ain't no runaway.

You see, King, my folks was livin'
in Pike County in Missouri.

That's where I was born.

And they all died off except for me and Pap

and my brother Ike
and our freeborn manservant here, Jim.

That's right. He tellin' it right.

Oh, I know he is
and he's doing a wonderful job.

Isn't he though?

Yeah, well, continue, uh...

What did you say your name was?

Jackson. George Jackson.

Well, we ran into a piece of bad luck
a couple of nights ago.

Steamboat ran over
the forward end of our raft,

we all fell overboard underneath the wheel.

Jim and me come up all right, but,

well, Pap was drunk
and, well, Ike was only four years old.

Lord rest their souls.

That was a really very touching story,
but I've had a tryin' morning.

Think I'm gonna join my friend
in the arms of Morpheus.

Move your feet, Bilgey, move your feet.


I've had better accommodations than this.

Do you think he believed us?

But did you believe him?
I mean about them being royalty and all?

Well, not all of it.

Well, as long as he believes that

we believe that stretcher he told us,
I figure he'll go along with ours.

Besides, like Miss Watson
used to say, "Them two might

"just be a blessing in disguise."

And once he gets you
into his clutches, my friends,

the demon rum will rot you,
through and through!

Rot your body, rot your brain,
rot your immortal soul.

Oh, it was spellbinding, I tell you.
I was the pet of the womenfolk.

Big and little.

'Cause we was makin' it
mighty warm for those rummies.

We were takin' in a fortune.

Then somehow or other a little report
got out that we was puttin' in time

with the jug on the sly.

They run us out of town so quick...

Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Then we took to sellin' an article
to take the tartar off the teeth,

and it does, too.

And generally the enamel along with it.

We got outta there
just ahead of the lynch mob.

Enough, Bilgey,
they were a pack of ingrates!

Oh, boy, put mine over there.

May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?

If I was to make believe to be your slave,

why, folks would never question
two gentlemen of obvious quality,

such as yourselves.

Why you'd appear to be,
the owners of a valuable piece of property

namely me.

And that way we could
all travel together safely.

Brilliant. Brilliant! But it needs something!

Let me think.

I've got it! You two wanna
make it safely to Cairo, right?

Yes, sir!

Well, it wouldn't hurt to have
a little jingle in your pockets

when you get there, would it?

You are now members
of the Royal Shakespeare Touring Company.

Good thinking, King.

Bilgey, I want you to make me up some new
posters and tickets. Lots of tickets.

For two nights only, David Garrick
the Younger and Edmund Keene the Elder,

direct from London in their celebrated
performance of The Royal None Such!

The play's the thing, boys.

My dear citizens of this fair, charming,

quaint city of Clairville.

Trusting you all know your own names,

let me tell you mine.
I am David Garrick the Younger

of the Royal Haymarket Theater,
White Chapel, Piccadilly, Pudding Lane,


Now star and managing director
of the Royal Shakespeare Touring Company.


And now, let me introduce you
to the members of my illustrious troupe.

First of all, Mr. Edmund Keene
the Elder of the Drury Lane Theater, London.

Right there.

Yes. And now, my young ward
Percival Hepplewhite the Third,

known throughout Europe as
the boy genius of Stratford-upon-Avon.

Right there.

Thank you for your passionate response, sir.

And now,

last but not least,
perhaps the world's most brilliant

interpreter of Shakespeare's
immortal character, Caliban,

the former king of Hugga Mugga,

King Goonawonga! Right there.

Assisted by the strength of my entire
troupe, with new appointments,

new scenery, new props,
for just two nights only,

because of imperative European engagements

we will present the thrilling,

spine tingling, inspiring epic
from the pen of the Bard himself,

The Royal None Such!

Unfortunately, however, there...
Unfortunately, however,

women and children
will not be admitted to either performance.

Under any circumstances.

There must be at least
a hundred people in there.

More like 163 including standing room.

Can hardly wait to see the show myself.

- Me neither.
- Full house, full house. Listen...

You two run along down
to the raft with Bilgewater.

What? Don't we get to see the show?

His Majesty don't like nobody
watchin' from the wings. Come on.

- But, but...
- Get out of here.

Why, Tom, you're too young. Who let you in?

I let myself in.

Well, let yourself out!

Hey, put me down!

Bless you. Gentlemen and gentlemen.

The Royal Shakespeare Touring Company
is proud to present tonight for your


The least known, yet for his greatest
work of the Bard of Avon.

The Royal None Such.
Also known as The Tragedy of the

King's Camel Leopard.

Prepare for

Rolling heads, blood that sheds

Right before your eyes

Revenge and hate, the mell of fate

When everybody dies

And who does so much more
than lust and gore



And skin.

The Royal None Such

Has come to town, so let the play

Before we raise the curtain
on this epic tour de force

Certain pertinent facts I must convey

This manuscript lay static in a corner of

Shakespeare's attic

Till I by chance

Discovered it

Dramatically uncovered it

It was a cold and rainy night.
I happened to be a house guest

at the ancestral cottage
of my dear friend, Shakespeare.

Alas, sleep would not come.
So I spent the night

scuffling about midst the boxes
and the barrels in the loft.

When moment of moments.

I stumbled upon this discarded
bundle of parchment.

Breathlessly I blew away 247 years of dust.

Lo, there it was.

In the Bard's own hand.

The Royal None Such.

A new tragedy by William Shakespeare.

Oh, ho

There so much more than love and war

In this great Shakespeareance

The Royal None Such has come to town

The Royal None Such of much renown

The Royal None Such

Won't let you down

So let the play


Come on, come on, come on.

Can't we at least go back and take a look?
He'd never know.

It was a triumph. Let's get out of here.

But is the show over already?

Always leave them wanting more.

Get that boy out of here!

What the devil you doin', boy?
We threw you out once.

Belay there, let the boy speak.

I just come to tell you,
there'll be no show tonight.


They all run off, I saw 'em.

The kid's right. They're gone!

There ain't nothing back there.
No scenery, no costumes,

nothing but the piano player.

I sure don't like this
Royal None Such business.

Stealin' poor people's money,
that's downright dishonest.

Well, you're stealin' yourself
from Miss Watson, ain't you?

Now stealin' is stealing, Jim.

Well, there is stealin'
and there is stealin'.

But this here is stealin'.

The King was right about one thing.

Nobody's lookin' at you like you're
a runaway slave no more. Now, are they?

Besides, only a couple of days from Cairo.


- Why, that...
- Money in the bank.

Here, you hammer up
the rest of the posters.

I'm gonna do a little advance promoting.

God rest ye merry gentlemen,
good tidings to you all.

One and all, good tidings.
Hip, hip, hip, hip and all that rot.

Whiskey, your best.

You must be the Reverend Wilks
all the way from England.

My condolences.

From England, rather, but Reverend Wilks.

Uh, condolences? Condolences for what?

Your brother just died.
That is if you was the Reverend Mr. Wilks,

your brother just died,
leaving all that money.


Children! Forget the signs.
Forget the posters!


Gentlemen, we are about
to raise the curtain

on the most lucrative engagement
of our careers.

You might even say
we were born for these roles.

We're not gonna perform here in Barrytown.

The stage awaits a few miles downriver
in Jackson's Landing. Come on.

Now remember, Bilgey,

- you're deaf and dumb.
- Yes, yes, King.

Fine. And you?

Rather, I say.

Very good. And that's all you say,
so remember it.

Huckleberry, I have a bad feeling about it.

And this time, they've gone too far!

Don't worry. Everything's gonna be just fine.

If anybody comes nosin' around here,
you just get in there and moan and groan.

Let me hear you.

Jim, this is the last time.
Soon as I shuck these two,

I'm gonna cut right back to here
and we'll be in Cairo tomorrow.

All right, Huckey, I'll be waitin' for you.
Now you be careful now, you hear?

I won't be long, Jim, I promise.

Percival, let's get going.

Goodbye, Jim.

Come along, dear boy.

Quick, let's get going.

Jackson's Landing is just around the point.

You row, Bilgey.

Farewell, fellow voyagers.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I know
that the good Lord in his kindness,

will guide your ship up the river of life.

Bless you, bless you, bless you.

Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you.

My poor afflicted brother here
is expressing our profound gratitude

for our safe arrival
in this haven of the New World

after our tedious pilgrimage all the way
from England. Sheffield, England? Amen.

Bless you, bless you, bless you.

Howdy do, howdy do. Hello, hello.
Howdy do. Bless you.

Can any of you kind people
tell us where Mr. Peter Wilks lives?

I'm sorry, sir.

The best we can do is tell you where
he used to live as of yesterday morning.

You mean, our poor brother is gone?

If only we had a chance to see him.
It's too much to bear.

Reverend Wilks?

Yes, alas it is I.

My name is Lot Hovey.

Deacon Lot Hovey!

Oh, how often has dear Peter written of you
and your dear wife.

- Margaret.
- Margaret!

Of course, dear Margaret.
And what of my nieces, poor darlings?

- What of them?
- I'd be honored to take you to them.

Lead on, Deacon, lead on.

Your uncles are here.

Mary Jane, Susan, we are here.

Poor child.

There, there, dear girl.
There. Uncle is here.

- Oh, Uncle.
- Don't cry.

Yes, yes. Come to uncle, dear, that's it.

- Oh, that's it.
- Oh, Uncle.

That's it. Yes, uncle's here.
Don't cry. Come, come. Don't cry.

Oh, yes. Well, Brother William
was just singing a fitting hymn

for this solemn occasion.

Oh, Reverend Wilks, could we hear it?

Yes, yes. Yes. Oh, please. Please.

We want to sing. Please, please.
Please, Reverend, please.

Well, well, all right.

All right. Gentle, little souls.

Into His hands, into His hands

Someday we must come

Someday we must come

Into His wonderful, wonderful hands

Into His heavenly, heavenly hands

Into His wonderful, heavenly hands

Someday we must come, someday we must come

Into His hands, into His hands

Someday we must come, someday we must come

Into His wonderful, wonderful hands

Into His heavenly, heavenly hands

Into His wonderful, heavenly hands

Into His wonderful, heavenly hands

Into His heavenly, heavenly hands

Into His wonderful, heavenly hands

Someday we must come, someday we must come


We must



So, when we received
your dear father's letter,

we departed our parish,
haste post haste, taking our young ward

Percival here with us. Ah, he's such an aid
and comfort to us on our journey.

Oh, dear, the only time I get to hear him
is when he's eating.

But our main concern
is for you, dear children.

- Left all alone.
- Oh!

- Uncle Harvey.
- Hmm?

- We almost forgot.
- There's a letter.

Father's last wishes.

He wanted us to give it to you
immediately upon your arrival.

- But with...
- Completely understandable, my dear.

Go fetch the letter!

Your dear father's last wishes
must be carried out forthwith down here.

Because he would not be happy up there

knowing that things
weren't going right down here.

You're very considerate, Uncle Harvey.

My calling. Besides, your dear uncles
want to unburden you of all concerns.

God rest his generous soul.

Oh, I'm explaining to Brother William
that your dear father has willed

this house and its furnishings,
plus $3,000 in gold

to you, his dear daughters,

and he has willed the tannery worth $7,000
and another $3,000 in gold

to poor afflicted William and me.

The gold is hidden in two sacks
under some bricks in the cellar.


Has just expressed a sentiment
with which I heartily concur.

We cannot accept one shilling
of your dear father's beneficence.

- Oh, no, it's all for you.
- It certainly is for you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
it's all yours, dear nieces.

But we will go down in the cellar
and fetch it to protect it for you.

So that he may rest cold but joyful.

Those dear, good souls.


Be careful.

Be careful, you idiot!

You look over there.

I'll look down here.

Here, here, here.

These here bricks look loose.

Oh, forget it.

Golly dang. It sure beats
The Royal None Such all howdy, don't it?

Shut up, you idiot,
this is only the first act.

We must play it till the final curtain.

This house alone will bring $10,000
not countin' furnishing.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Then there's the tannery.

And this $6,000.

- Where's the other one?
- Here, here.

There it is.

By the time this play's over,
you and I will be gentlemen of leisure.

It's providence, Bilgey, providence.

Being relatives to rich dead men
and representatives of foreign heirs.

There's the line for us.

No more small time bilkin' hayseeds.

We found our calling.

This time tomorrow, we will be rich.

Far away from here.

Who is it?

- Mary Jane, Percy.
- Oh, come in.

Thought you might need this come morning.

It gets awfully cold.


You know, Percy,
there's somethin' about you

that seems mighty strange.

But there is somethin' about you I like.

I guess I've always wanted
a little brother to fuss over.

I'm very happy to have you here, Percy.

I do hope we can all stay together
for a long, long, time.

Good night, Percy.

Good night, Mary Jane.

Bless you.

Mary Jane, Susan!

How could I ever hurt them?

Jim's waitin' down on the river.

Got to get back to him.

What's right? What's wrong?

Try to fight or go along

How can you win?

When every day you make the devil grin

Which way is real?

What you're taught or what you feel

What's false? What's fine?

And who's deciding

The dividing line

I don't wanna hurt nobody

I don't wanna die and burn

But with the devil always dogging

At my heels

How the devil am I gonna learn?

What's right? What's wrong?

Try to fight or go along

How can you tell

The road to heaven

From the one to hell

Some folks live wise

Other folks are living lies

Can't find my way

But I'll keep tryin'

Till my dying


Vandalized! Pillaged! Plundered!

We've been robbed! We've been robbed!

Vandalized! Pillaged! Plundered!
Give me a hand, Bilgey!

Plundered! We've been robbed!
We've been robbed!

You've been robbed! You've been robbed!

- What happened?
- Oh, that river rat!

That little swindler! He took the gold!

The Sheriff! We have got to tell the Sheriff!

But I just can't believe that...

Well, you better believe it, my dear,
that scallywag has shifty eyes!

Come on, Bil... Brother William,

we have to go roust the Sheriff
and rescue our... Uh, our nieces' gold!

Also we have to arrange post haste
for the auction.

We should have got out of town last night,
like I said. Now we got nothin'.

First of all, shut your mouth, Bilgey.

Don't you know the biggest half of this loaf
is yet to be plucked?


We have a matter of utmost importance
to discuss with you.

- Are they gone?
- Percy!

- Are they gone?
- They went for the Sheriff!

I can't live a lie anymore.
I just gotta tell you the truth.

First off, I ain't English.

My real name's George Jackson

and I'm on my way to visit
my uncle Abner Moore.

Well, what are you doin' with our uncles?

Them two ain't your uncles.

They just a couple of river sharks
come to skin you for everything you got.

I didn't know just what they was into
until I was too deep in it.

So I took your gold away
from them last night.

I hid it in the safest place I could.

Well, where'd you hide it?

Well, I can't tell you right now, Miss Susan,
not till them two's exposed.

'Cause they'd find a way
to get it out of you, if you knew.

Sister, we can trust George here.

There's somethin' about him I like.

Friends, all.

Our dear brother Peter,
your good friend and neighbor,

who lays yonder,

has done generous well
with his poor daughters that he's left

behind in this vale of tears.

But these poor orphan children
are twice blighted.

A sneak thief has come in the night
and robbed them of all of their cash money!

So that all that they have left

is what we are to auction here today,
so that Uncle William and myself

could take them back to England
with a dowry fitting for them to marry well.

Now what you see before you
is a hand wrought, hand chased,

hallmarked, sterling silver, genuine antique

silver tea service, with tray.

Do I hear $50?

How well I remember
this gorgeous six piece tea service.

When our dear mother used to serve
finger sandwiches and cheese

on the lawn of our estate
in Sheffield, England.

No doubt she and Peter
are gazing down on us at this very moment,

hoping that one of you dear friends
and generous neighbors

will bring this priceless heirloom
into your home.

- Fifty dollars.
- Fifty dollars!

Did you hear that, Brother, $50!

- Do I hear $60?
- I'll bet $60.

Sixty dollars from that
gentleman right there.

- Seventy-five.
- Seventy-five!

Did you hear that brother?
$75, that's beautiful. $75.

- $100.
- $100 right there.


$150. That's gorgeous, sir. Thank you.

$150, going once.

$150, going twice.

- $160.
- $160. Bless you, sir.

Thank you very much. $160...

- $165.
- What did you say, sir?


$165, the man with the beard.
Thank you very much. $165.


$175. Thank you, sir.

- $175, going once.
- $200!

Hallelujah, did you hear
that Mother and Brother? $200.

$200, going once.

$200, going twice.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Damn! Damn! Somebody give me a hot foot.

I thought he was supposed
to be deaf and dumb.

The Lord has spoken!

He has His ways.
Let us not question them because

they are beyond
the comprehension of us poor mortals.

Let us pray!

Dear Lord, what are you trying to tell us?

What are you trying to say through
our poor brother's afflicted mouth?

What heavenly...


Could anyone be so kind as to
direct us to the Peter Wilks' residence?

Uncle Harvey! Uncle William!

I'm gonna get the Sheriff!

Thank God, you're really here.

All right, you two
frauds, you're goin' to jail!

Jail's too good for 'em.
They hoodwinked the whole town.

- They ought to be lynched.
- Yeah! Yeah!

The idea of you lynching anybody!

Just 'cause you're brave enough
to tar and feather some poor

outcast women that come along here.

Why a man's safe in the hands
of 10,000 of your kind!

Listen, I was born and raised
in the South, and I've lived in the North,

so I know the average all around.

The average man's a coward!

Now your mistake is that you didn't
bring a man with you to lead you!

You didn't go home
and fetch your mask to cover your faces!

Half a man like him there,
yells, "Lynch him, lynch him."

Well, I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna droop your tails
and get along home, crawl in a hole!

If any real lynching's gonna be done around
here, come back with your masks on!

Go on, get out of here
and take that half a man there with you!

King, that really was a great speech.

Not bad.
It was first delivered by a Colonel Sherburne

down in Arkansas
when they were about to lynch him.

Figured it might come in handy
one of these days.

After you, sir!

Well, I knew it weren't the most reverent
place to hide a couple of sacks of gold

but there weren't nowhere else,
so I hid it in the coffin last night.

Just before you came down to pray.

Well, I hope you explain to your two uncles
that I didn't mean to be irreverent.

Well, I gotta go now.
You see, somebody's waitin' for me.

My uncle, you know?

Goodbye, George Jackson.

And if I don't ever see you again,
I shan't forget you.

And I'll think about you many
and many a time. And I'll pray for you, too.




Oh, Jim.

Crocker says the barge will be here
in less than two hours.

Ain't soon enough for me.

Don't like this many on our hands.

Well, never can tell.

Maybe some of them
damn John Brown abolitionists

is fixin' to ambush them on the river.

Happened two months ago near Orangeville.

Got away with 17.

Turned 'em all loose in Cairo.

Ah, that John Brown's an idiot!

Who's gonna feed 'em and take care of 'em
while settin' 'em free? It's a sin!

All I know John Brown says
ownin' niggers is a sin.

Yeah, well, that only proves he's an idiot!

How many we got this time?

Twenty-four. Countin' the new batch.

Three females and twenty-one bucks.

All right, let's get 'em ready.
Tie 'em up over here.

Move along now. Move along!

No. Get away. No!

She's mighty early
but it looks like the barge is comin'.

Could be.

The river's high
and the current's mighty strong.

Yeah, that's her all right.

Better get 'em ready.

- When did he go?
- Just now.

Nigger Jim, did you hear me?

You all come back before
I kill me every damn nigger in this stockade!

Now stand up!
I know you're in there somewhere!

Jim, no!

All right, just you listen to this!

All the slaves in there
are bought and paid for. He'll never do it.

Now that's one. Now either give yourself up
or I'll finish off the rest!

Jim, no! No, it's a trick!

I swear to you! It's a trick, Jim!

Come on!

He ain't gonna fall for that
and you know it. Once Crocker gets here

we'll put the dogs on him.
Then he won't stand a chance in hell.

Come on, let's get 'em ready for the barge.

Huck, Huck, I can't
run no more. I gotta rest.

All cramped up from bein' tied.

Jim, your blood's red.

The same as mine.

You didn't know that before, Huck?

It was wrong of me, and it's wrong for you...

For me to let you be out here
with me like, like this.

Runnin' the risk of being caught
like a dammed abolitionist!

Huck, I've been lyin' to you all along.

You been lyin'?

You don't need to run
from your pap no more.

You don't need to run from anything.

You know that dead body I found
in that wrecked houseboat?

That was your pap.

I been wanting to tell you.
I wanted to tell you right then,

but I was scared.
I was scared you'd run off and leave me

'cause you didn't need me no more

and, well, I needed you.


You did the right thing back there.

I might have run off on you.

I probably would have.

But now, I don't give a damn
what the whole world says,

'cause if I'm doin' wrong, well...

Well, I hope I roast in hell forever!

- Give me your shirt, Jim.
- Huh?

Just give me your shirt.

Now, the raft's on the river,
quarter of a mile or so in the cove.

Now Cairo's just five miles
on the other side.

Ain't you comin' with me?

When you get there

have somebody write a letter to
Judge Thatcher back to Hannibal for you.

Say where you are,

'cause I'm gonna have the judge
send you your wife and your little girl.

All it takes is money.

And I still got all of mine
safe with the judge.

I know I can spring enough loose for that.

No, Huck, that's your money. I can't...

But, Jim, you're gonna open up
a dry good store in Cairo, ain't you?

We'll need them to help us run the business.

We're partners.


Partners! Remember?


God bless you!

If there is a God up there,
and I ain't sure if there is or there ain't,

he'll hear me praying for you, Jim.

Life is a wink

Of time

Heaven's a lonely climb

The road is so

Dark and long

Paved with all

Kinds of wrong

But freedom



Man's got to make his own

Sun warms the earth below

Earth drinks the winter snow

Seeds feed the winds

That blow

And rain makes

The grain to grow

Freedom, freedom, freedom

Freedom, freedom, freedom

Man's got to make his own

Man's got to make


Hey, Huck, ho, ho, Huckleberry hey, hey

Hey, Huckleberry, Huck, ho, ho, Huckleberry

Hey, Huckleberry Finn

Huckleberry, where you been? Huck, oh, Huck

Huckleberry, where you been?
Huckleberry, where you been?

Huckleberry, where you been?

Huckleberry, where you been?


In Cayroe, ayeroe


Cha dugga, dugga do - Dah, do dah, do

Cha dugga, dugga, do, dah, do cha

Dugga, dugga do, dah, do, gonna get away

To Cayroe, ayeroe

Gonna get away to Cayroe, ayeroe

Down the river a thousand miles

That's where we're gonna
live in a different style

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

Down the river a thousand miles

That's where we're gonna live in style

In Cayroe, ayeroe, Illinois

In Cayroe, ayeroe