Hubie Halloween (2020) - full transcript

Despite his devotion to his hometown of Salem (and its Halloween celebration), Hubie Dubois is a figure of mockery for kids and adults alike. But this year, something is going bump in the night, and it's up to Hubie to save Halloween.

[spooky theremin music playing]

[glass shatters]

[carnival music playing]


[thunder rumbling]

[wind gusting]

- [alert buzzing]
- [creaking]

[man whistling melody]

Special delivery for Mr. Loon E. Tunes.

[man snickers]


All right.

Catching some Z's, huh?

Did you go pee-pee while you sleepy, huh?

I heard you can't hold it in.


Hey, you quakin' in your boots?

You better be,
'cause I'm your new attendant.

The name's Hal I.

And you're in my world now.

[screams] Oh!

Psycho on the loose!

["Monster Mash" playing]

♪ I was working in the lab
Late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster from his slab
Began to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly to my surprise… ♪

Good morning!

♪ He did the mash ♪

- ♪ He did the monster mash ♪
- ♪ The monster mash… ♪

Halloween's upon us!

♪ He did the mash ♪

♪ It caught on in a flash… ♪

[woman on radio]
Hello, my witches and warlocks.

It's your ghoulish DJ Aurora.

[distorted sinister laughter]

I hope you're ready for tomorrow night
and all the spooky things that frighten.

[woman screaming]

I know I am.

[kids laughing]


Hey, you missed. The yolk's on you.

[kids grunting]

♪ They did the mash… ♪

Thanks for the free breakfast.

♪ The monster mash ♪

- ♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪
- ♪ They did the mash… ♪

Rocky Balboa style.


♪ They did the monster mash… ♪

I'm making
the kids' costumes out of tinfoil

'cause I'm old-school, Teresa.

- Thanks!
- [woman] Have fun!

Violet Valentine.

[recorded sinister laughter]

♪ It was a one-eyed, one-horned… ♪

Have a happy Halloween tomorrow, Hubie.

You, too, Mrs. Banerjee.
I hope you get more tricks than treats.

- [Banerjee chuckles]
- Okay. Number 59. Looking for 59.


Right here, Pubie.

Give me a half-pound of roast beef.

Mr. Landolfa…

[stammers] …Hubie. With an H.

Not anymore. [laughs]

[Hubie] Okay.

Mrs. Phillips,
I'll be with you in a minute.

Is that the first girl
you ever talked to, Pubie?

Hey, no.
I talk to my girlfriend all the time.

- I've never seen you with a girlfriend.
- She is a Canadian resident of Canada.

Uh, Canada Dry region.

[Landolfa laughing]

Mr. O'Doyle.

Shouldn't you and your cohort
be, uh, in school right now?

- It's Sunday, dumb-ass.
- [Hubie mutters]

[Landolfa] Know what?
I don't want the roast beef.

- Give me some of the lamb's head.
- Lamb's head? We don't have lamb's head.

- No? What's that right there?
- Which one?



[all laughing]

Got ya!

It's fun working with you, always.

[oldies rock music playing]

- [loud crash]
- [man groans]


That is a good one.

[rings, clicks]

Hey, you got Sergeant Downey.

Hey, Steve.
It's Kenny Fonda with the Westford PD.

- How you doin' there, Kenny?
- [Kenny] Good, buddy. Good.

Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads-up.

We had someone
escape from the psych ward up here.

A guy from your neck of the woods.

Richard Hartman.

Wow, uh…

Richie Hartman's been locked up
since Carter was president.

Yeah. Just thought you might wanna know

in case he gets sentimental
for his hometown.

And didn't you testify against him, Steve?

He doesn't strike me
as a forgive-and-forget type.

Yeah, but you know what?
I hope he comes looking for me.

'Cause he will be in a world of pain.

- Of pain...
- [loud slam]

- [screams gibberish]
- [Kenny chuckles]

- [Kenny] What the hell?
- I gotta go, Kenny.

- Hubie, what do you want?
- Hey, Officer Steve.

I saw Andy O'Doyle buying suspiciously
massive amount of eggs and toilet paper.

- Not a crime to buy eggs or toilet paper.
- Oh, yeah. That goes without saying.

But it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes
to deduce malicious intent.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Lambardi's Pizza's doin' a sale tomorrow.

One slice, one soda, one dollar,
if you wear a costume to the shop.

To me, that's a great deal,
but it's also a riot waiting to happen.

Call the hotline.

I did call the hotline 100 times,

but I think you guys
got a connection problem.

[phone rings]

- Salem PD.
- Yes. Your officer, this is Hubie Dubo...

[Steve clears throat]

- Hubie, get in here.
- Okay.

- Bring it in here. Get in here.
- What's up?

Now, it's Halloween. In Salem.

And I got a lot of
real issues on my plate.

- [Hubie] I know.
- [tires screech]

[Andy] Look who's here.

- [boy 1] Hubie!
- [boy 2] Hubie!

- Do we do...
- Get out of here!

Over and out... [thuds]


- [boys clamoring]
- [Andy] Guys, let's get him!

[boys shouting] Come on! Come on!

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween… ♪

[boys shouting, taunting]

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween… ♪

[boy 1] Eat some shit!

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween… ♪

- [boys laughing]
- [boy 2] Catch this!

- [boy 1] Go!
- [boys taunting, laughing]

♪ Trick-or-treat
Sing the song with us... ♪


- [grunts]
- [thuds]

[Hubie] Why?

[boys laughing, shouting]

[boy 3] He flew like 25 feet!

Well, hello, there.

You need a hand?

Boy, that was quite
a tumble you took there, fella.

Nope. That's...

Nothing broken, physically speaking.

Well, it's not right
what those hooligans did.

We gotta expect a scare here or there.
Kids being kids.

- Oh, say, that's some heck of a thermos.
- [Hubie] Yeah, that's my baby.

It's kind of like a Swiss Army thermos.
I made it when I was in the Scouts.

Maybe you've had
enough bike riding for one day.

- How about if I give you a lift home?
- You're not gonna have to drive far.

'Cause I live right over here.


Wow. [chuckles]

Your kids
must have helped you with all of this.

Oh, yeah, I don't have any kids.
As far as I know.


No, I definitely don't.

I do have a girlfriend.
She lives up in Canada.

Northern section. Ontarionto.

So, you probably
couldn't find her up there.

- Ah. Look at those purple mums.
- Mom planted those.

And you gotta love the old-school ghost
you got working over there.

[Hubie] Yep.

Scary ghost. Yes.

And looks like we're neighbors.

'Cause I just moved in
right there this morning.

- [Hubie] You moved here?
- I'm Walter Lambert.

Hubie Dubois.

It's a pleasure, Hubie.
I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna invite you and Mom over
for dinner once I get my kitchen set up,

'cause I make the best chili
east side of the Rockies.

Ooh. My belly just said yes
for the both of us.


And your butt just made some room.

They must've got loosened out of me
with the landing.

- It's... it's fine. It's natural.
- It is.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Anyway, you take care, Hubie. All right?

- Yeah.
- And have a happy Halloween.

Oh, and Hubie.

If you ever hear some commotion

coming from my house,
it's nothing to be concerned about.

So, you don't need to come over
and check on me or anything.

In fact, it's important that you don't.

Sure thing, Mr. Lambert.


Hey, I'm home.

- [shrieking laughter]
- [Hubie screams] Ah! No! Ah!

[skeleton warbles]

[woman] Did that darn skeleton
frighten you again, Hubie?

No! I was just practicing yelling, Mom.
Everything's good.

Oh, dear boy.
This town is making you so jittery.

It just breaks my heart.

I'm fine. Is that a new shirt?

Mrs. Banerjee and I
went to the thrift store today.

Guess how much? Fifty cents!

"Boner donor?"
Now, what does that even mean?

Well, I think
boner's another word for a mistake.

Like, I made a big boner in math class.

So, maybe boner donor
means I donate mistakes.

That makes sense.

I met the fellow who moved into
the Andersons' house next door.

Walter Lambert. Seemed like good people.

- Oh, well, that's nice.
- Yeah.

Some improvement over those Andersons.

The way they used to
toss firecrackers at you.

Oh, no. That was the Epsteins.

The Andersons used to
throw garbage into my bedroom window.

Well, who was it chased you
around the yard with a tennis racket?

That was Dad.

God rest his soul.

- Oh, for sure.
- [Mom] Cookies are done.

You wanna help me frost 'em?

- Can I lick the spoon, or…
- [Mom] Deal!


[chuckles] Now, I know that Halloween
is very special to you, sweet boy.

It's been your favorite holiday
since you were knee-high.

Well, we're Jewish, so that eliminated
Christmas and Easter and Ash Wednesday.


- [jar pops]
- [Mom exhales]

And I am so proud at how hard you work

to make sure that Halloween is safe
and fun for everyone in this town.

I'm sensin' a big "but" coming.

- But…
- Okay.

…this town is as full of bullies now
as it ever was in the 1600s.

You have to learn
to stand up for yourself.

I just get scared.

I know you do.

We all get scared.

But this year, you're gonna have to
find that bravery that's deep within you.

It's time.

Ah, the good old days.

When the town toughs
only used to throw crab apples.

Ah, Officer Steve.
You always had it going on.

"Most likely to marry his pillow."
Still don't get that one.

"Most friendly."

"Most popular."

"Best looking."

The high school hat trick.

Could not have happened to a nicer woman.

Maybe if I wasn't such
a scaredy-cat like mom was sayin',

I would have asked you out.

And the cutest couple
would have been Violet and Hubie.

- [pounding]
- [screams]

Monster! [screams]

[Mom] Hubie, what was that?

Sorry, Mom! I'll clean that up!

[Mom] Did you make a messy?

[Hubie] I said I would clean it up!
It's not a big deal!

[Mom] What are you cleaning up?
Did you have an accident?

[Hubie] No! It wasn't an accident.

[Mom] It was on purpose?

[Hubie] Mom!


[Violet] Okay, kids,
you can't have candy for breakfast,

but you can sprinkle some
on top of your cereal.

- [girl 1] Yes!
- [girl 2] Oh, yeah!

[segment intro music playing]

Welcome back.
You're Watching Wake Up Boston.

And it's October 31st,
which is a special day across the country,

but most especially in Salem,
America's unofficial Halloween capital.

And it's gonna be a great day in Salem.
Right, Jenna Thomas?

Yes, Erin.
Clear and a balmy 61 degrees.

Ready for trick-or-treating
and all the spooky stuff.

Ooh! Get that candy, kids.

And now, Wake Up Boston's Tracy Phillips
is live with the Mayor of Salem,

David Benson, and...
Tracy, you went with Harley Quinn, too?

Sure did, Erin.

Only one day a year
you get to show your ex what he's missin'.


You know it. Ooh! Ooh!

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Yeah!

So, Mayor Benson,
the sun sets in eight short hours,

but the spooky preparations
are in full swing around here.

Indeed it is, Tracy.

As you can see, we're already setting up
our world-famous Halloween parade.

And a few blocks over,
we got a street fair.

And you're expecting some pretty
impressive crowds here this evening.

Oh, we're expecting over 70,000 people
to visit Salem this evening.

Well, I know where I'm gonna be tonight.
Reporting from Salem, Tracy Phillips.

- Back to you, Erin.
- [marching band playing]

- [Steve] Is this the way you found him?
- [man] Yeah.

And I was gonna take poor Peanut

to the Halloween Carnival tonight
for the petting zoo.

But what kid would wanna pet
a pig that look like that?

Did you hear anything
or see anything unusual last night?

Well, I woke up
'cause the animals sounded agitated,

and then I heard poor Peanut
make a God-awful squeal.

[imitating squealing]

Squealin' like
he was callin' for his daddy!

You know what I think done it?

A werewolf.

Think you've been watching
too many scary movies, Louise.

And I think you've been eating
too many of your own boogers, Dan.

Oh, at least my mama
don't stink the toilet up so bad,

we gotta get rid of the shower curtain.

Oh, you gonna bring up
my mama in front of the police, huh?

Ain't nobody say nothin'
'bout your big-ass mama.

She come in the house
and broke all the furniture.

My mom wouldn't break up the furniture

if you hadn't bought that cheap Ikea stuff
and put it together with a butter knife!

Well, if I had a real man, then I wouldn't
have to do it myself now, would I?

[Dan] Peanut's dead!

We gonna eat Peanut tonight!

[crowd chattering]

[man] Look at these nerds.

Unbelievable. You can say a lot
of things about me, I was never a nerd.

Hey, pimples!


Pubie? Uh, who's... who's Pubie?

You are, Pubie.
Landolfa called you that yesterday.


Janitor, some drunk guy
dressed as Captain Underpants

just threw up in the jail exhibit.

That's my cue.
Call me if you get lonely, Violet.

Don't call me.


Wasn't plannin' on it. Hey, Dot.

So, I saw there were
massive lines out front.

I took the liberty to print up
some happy Halloween word searches.

You can pass it out to the kids.

Give them something to do
while they're waiting.

Oh, Hubie, how lovely.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

So, Violet Valentine.

Good to see you. Happy Halloween.

- Thank you.
- What brings you here?

I am chaperoning my daughter's field trip.

She's over there. Danielle! Danielle!

Say hello to Hubie.

Hi, Hubie. What school do you go to?

No. He's a grown man.
I've known him since kindergarten.

We had Miss Colestice's class together.

- Yes, we did.
- You were the first kid to get earrings.

[chuckles] I was.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I just thought 'cause of the thermos.

Oh, why? Do you want some soup?

- Uh, no, thanks.
- Your friends?

All right. It's here if you want it.

- [laughing] What was that?
- What was that about?

What a nice young lady.
I remember you just had a foster son.

Yeah. Well, I've got
two foster daughters now as well.

Huh. That's quite commendable.

Looking out for the community.
That's important.

Of course. That's my
great-great-great-great-great grandmother.

She saw some bad things happening,
but she spoke out.

Said there's no such thing as witches.

- Very brave.
- Yeah, maybe too brave.

'Cause they called her a witch
and ended up like this fella.

- [Violet] Ooh.
- [Hubie] The unfortunate dangling Dave.

God, I love the way you phrase things.


So, how are you and Officer Steve doing?
I saw him yesterday in his squad car.

We were talking shop. You know,
code 10-4, 10-5. That kinda thing.

Well, since we've been
divorced four years,

- I don't really know how he's doing.
- Oh, well, don't lose faith.

You guys will get through
this rough patch.

Did you hear about the Andersons?

I met the fellow who moved into
their home. A Walter Lambert.

Seems like a decent guy.

- [Violet] Walter Lambert?
- Yeah.

There's a Walter Lambert buried right near
my grandpa in the Pine Street Cemetery.


I only remember that name because there
is something off about his tombstone.

- Off how?
- Well, I know you, Hubie Dubois.

- Mm-hmm.
- You'll see.


♪ Did you ever know
That you're my hero? ♪

[women crying]

♪ And everything I'd like to be? ♪

♪ I could fly higher than an eagle ♪

♪ 'Cause you are the wind
Beneath my wings ♪

♪ Did you ever know
That you're my hero? ♪

♪ You're everything, everything
I wish I could be ♪

♪ I could fly higher than an eagle… ♪

What is that fool doing here?

No clue.

- You want me to kick his ass, Father?
- Not yet. But stay close.


That concludes our service.

The family has invited
you all to a luncheon.

[Hubie grunting]

A luncheon at the, uh, Captain's Table
on Foster Street. Thank you.

He never died?

Boobie! What are you doing?

Nothing. What are you doing?

I'm officiating a funeral.

On Halloween?

People die every day, dummy.
They don't skip holidays.

- Even April Fool's Day?
- Shut it.

And if you get dirt
on my good funeral shoes again,

I'm gonna bury one up your butt.

Okay. You want some soup?

No, I don't want some s...

- Good to wash off the dirt.
- Here, let me help you.

Oh, is this...

Condolences, by the way.

And I love the Wicked Witch costume.
It's classic.

It's not a costume.

Not a costume? Okay. My boner.

[woman] Why he talk about his boner?

Hello, Hubes. What did you do wrong?

I don't think anything.

By the way, I wanted to say that I'm sorry

for my attitude yesterday
at the deli counter.

My dad, you know, he died unexpected,

and I just haven't been myself
these past few days.

This is your dad's funeral?
I'm so sorry. I didn't...

My father passed away
a couple of years ago.

It is very painful. It's...

- Ups and downs, emotionally.
- Yeah. My dad was a serious man.

He worked hard
every single day of his life.


- But he did love to laugh.
- Okay.

And I know he would get
a great chuckle out of this.

[screams, thuds]

[laughing maniacally]

Have fun, Pubes.

[shouting in Italian]

Ma! He's an idiota, deficiente!


No, this is good.

We want him in the hole.

God would want this.

Somebody's down here!

Ah! The dead speak!

- [thuds]
- [Hubie] Oh, my soup!

[Aurora on radio]
It's not even dark yet here in Salem,

but the spooky vibes
are gettin' heavy, baby.

We'll get through it together here on…

♪ WCC8 ♪

[woman, in a spooky voice]
Halloween central.


[Hubie] Mr. Lambert.

What are you up to?

Hubie. Yeah.

I wa...

Last night,
I thought I felt a little draft. So…

Yeah, that October wind will...
It'll sneak up on you.

Sure does.

Say, Mr. Lambert.

How old are you?

You mean in human years?


I don't really believe in keeping track
of that kind of thing, Hubie.

You know, age is just a state of mind.

That's why I played T-ball till I was 25.

Hubie Dubois.

[school bell ringing]

I can't believe it's finally Halloween.

My parents got me a royal princess dress
from the Disney Store.

- Cooky, what are you gonna dress up as?
- A robot.

You should go as a girl who doesn't even
know who her real parents are.

Oh, that's who you are every day.

[kids laugh]

[woman] O'Doyle!

- [pounds]
- [Andy] Yes, Miss Taylor?

Maybe you should go as a butt-faced,
red-haired piece of dog puke

who's reading at a second-grade level
even though he's 11.

[kids laughing] Ooh!

Attention, first through sixth graders.

We have a special presentation
today in lieu of recess.

[kids groaning]

Here again to talk about Halloween safety

is Salem's Official Volunteer
Halloween Helper,

Hubert Dubois.

[Hubie muttering, warbling]

Oh, God.

[Hubie continues muttering, warbling]

[girl] Are those pee stains?

[kids giggling]

Hello, Webster Elementary School.

I am not a ghost, but I play one on TV.

Just playing.

My name is Hubie Dubois, and I am here
to tell you that Halloween is fun,

but we must stay out of the danger zone.

[kids jeering, clamoring]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let him speak. He's a human being!

Thank you, sir.
I would like a word with you all.

And that word is…


Ghost. Scary.
But also the key to Halloween safety.

The G.

- What could the G stand for?
- Go home?

No. Give.

Give to the less fortunate.
Does anyone know what less fortunate is?

- Yes, sir.
- It means someone who needs help.

Very good. What's your name?

- Cooky.
- Well, you're a smart cookie.

When I was young,
I used to build a tower with all my candy.

And all the candy that was
part of the tower before it collapsed,

I would keep for myself.

The leftover candy,
I would donate to the homeless shelter.

Is that where you live?

Well, son...


Burn him!

- [crying]
- Oh.

I'm sorry, son. I just...

Please... please don't cry.

[kids screaming, jeering]

♪ Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween ♪

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween… ♪

I feel bad for him.

Yeah. No, baby. He overstayed his welcome.

[kids continue screaming, jeering]

We're out of food, I guess. Yeah?

[kids laughing]

[entrance bell jangles]

Hey. What can I get you guys?

Hi. Can I get a black coffee?


- Not hot chocolate?
- Oh, I don't drink hot chocolate anymore.

- You had one this morning.
- Well, I quit.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna need
to see some ID, freshman.

[stammers] ID? I don't…

I'm just kidding. One black coffee.

So, how'd you know I was a freshman?

Oh, I see you in the hallways

and it's pretty obvious.
What are you guys doing for Halloween?

Well, I'm taking
my sisters trick-or-treating.

And my mom's at work, so I kind of
run the house when she's gone.

- So, you're not going to the party?
- Yeah, I'm going.

- Which party?
- One manly black coffee.

That's me.

The big barn at Wallace Orchard.
It's mostly juniors and seniors.

Hmm. Yeah. Well, maybe after my mom
comes home, I'll... I'll try to swing by.

Try hard.

Did you suddenly get cool?

- [coffee splashes]
- [boy] Oops!

Sorry, freshman.

Michael Mundi in the house!

It comes and goes.

[Aurora on radio] Well, all you witches
and warlocks, the daylight is fading,

and you know what that means.
Halloween in Salem is in full effect.

Now, we have an old friend on the line,
Hubie Dubie.

[echoing] Hi, I like...
I wanna make a request, please?

If you can play the theme song

from the film Ghostbusters
by Ray Parker Jr.

Hubie, you need to turn down your radio.

- We talked about this before.
- [echoing] I just keep hearing myself.

- [Aurora] Hubie.
- Okay, there it is.

Thank you, Aurora.

- [Aurora] Turn down the radio.
- ["Ghostbusters" playing]

[echoing] Who is that?

- [Aurora] Just hang up your phone.
- [echoing] Please stop.

- That's not funny.
- [Aurora] All good, baby, okay?

- [Aurora] Thanks for calling.
- [Hubie] Sit on it, pal.

That man on the radio sounds like the guy
who talked to us in the cafeteria today.

Oh, did you get
a Hubie Dubois Halloween safety talk?

I think so. Is he a good guy?

'Cause the whole school was throwing
food and sharp objects at him.

Hubie Dubois is probably
the nicest guy in this town.

Do you like him?

No. He... You know, he's just...

- He's the nicest.
- You said this already.

Well, take it from me. Nice matters.

["Ghostbusters" continues playing]

[Aurora] The scariest night
of the year has arrived, kiddies.

[creature howling]

It's gonna be a full moon,
so the monsters will be out.

I hope you've made
all the necessary preparations.

And have your costumes all picked out.

And watch out
for all kinds of freaky things

that'll chill you to the bone.

["Ghostbusters" continues playing]

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ Bustin' makes me feel good ♪

[kids chattering]

[door opens]

Oh, Hubie. Don't go out there tonight.

I have a feeling
something's going to happen.

I get that feeling
every time I leave the house, Mom.

But Salem needs me.

Listen to me.
It's time to worry about yourself.

Hubert Shubert Dubois, do you hear me?

The whole neighborhood'll hear you, Ma.
You're practically screaming.

I'll be okay.

- My sweet boy.
- [Hubie] I love you.

Answer the door
if it's a trick-or-treater.

Otherwise, just stay in the house, Ma.

[door opens]

[door closes]

So, you went with the full moon, huh, God?

It's on.

♪ Trick, trick, trick or treat ♪

♪ Open up your door
And give me what I need, trick… ♪

[Hubie] Be careful, guys! Safety first!

♪ I'll show you something
That you've never seen ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

- Incredible costumes, guys.
- [girl] Whatever.


[Hubie grunts]

[car horn beeping]

Well, not on my watch, Mr. Whiskers.

Hey, Pubie! Give me back my cat!

Boy, that nickname spread
like warm peanut butter.


[cat meows]

[Violet] Hey, Karen.

How 'bout you thank the man?

Oh, hey, Violet.

Oh, you fostering
this mumbling zombie now, too? [laughs]

Good luck!

You want me to get out this car
and beat you with that ugly cat?

'Cause you know
I'm more than capable of it.

Uh… no.

[door opens, closes]

Violet Valentine.
What a, uh, pleasant surprise.

How did you get to be so badass?


Yes, you, Hubie. You're a stud.

You're most friendly,
most popular, and best looking.


I was wondering, Violet,
do you think perhaps that we can...

Maybe sometime you and I could possibly…



Nothing at all.


Well, I know it's your big night, Hubie.

So, if you run out of soup and you need
a refill, just stop by the diner.

I'm working all night, okay?



I'm asexual,
but that girl's making me hella horny.


Go, go, go.

Go get candy, baby.


I'm gonna stop you there, young lady.

Part of the fun of Halloween is
its ways of teaching us life lessons.

- To trust the honor system.
- [animatronic creature] Hello!



[Hubie] Help me!

[laughs] You're a dummy!

Scooby Dubois on the case!

Mr. Hennessy. How's night school?

I dropped out three years ago. Shut up.

[Hennessy] Hi, David. Hi, Tracy.

- [Tracy] Hi.
- [David] How are ya?

Hubie, nice little sash you got on there.
What is that, monitor?

What're you monitorizing?

You see, basically,
doing a door-to-door candy etiquette.

As a trained volunteer,
I've been asked to initiate spot checks.

- Asked by who?
- [Hennessy] Yeah.

It looks like you made that sash
from one of your mother's scarves.

[all laughing]

My family's been a part of Salem
for, uh, going back to the witch trials.

So, I know what it's like
when the spooky fun gets outta hand...

[Hennessy makes snoring sounds]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I had this nightmare
I was talking to an idiot.

Mmm. Havin' a nightmare about your hairdo.

[Tracy and David] Come on, baby.

[Hubie] Good night. Please keep
the fishnets for fishing next year.

You know what spooky fun
is really getting outta hand?

It's your new neighbor's house.

I heard some odd noises
when I was walking by.

- Noises, huh?
- Yeah.

Let's break this down.
Did it sound like this?

[makes braying sounds]

- That sounds like a donkey. No.
- How about…


- No.
- [squeaking]

- No.
- [grunting]

I don't know. It was a noise!

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Why don't you just go see what it is?
- On it.

[glass shatters]

[people chattering]

[rustling, crashing]

- [muffled screaming]
- [banging]


[Hubie] Hmm.

[muffled snarling, wailing]

[Hubie] Mr. Lambert? Mr. Lambert?

[muffled screaming]

[power tool whirring]

[distant wailing, screaming]

[distant crashing]

Mr. Lambert?

[distant screaming continues]

[Hubie] Hello?

[muffled shrieking]

[Hubie] Mr. Lamb...

[Hubie screams, thuds]



What the...

You got a dog, Mr. Lambert?

You got a big dog, Mr. Lambert?


Mr. Lambert.

I know you said if there was a commotion,
I should ignore it.

But there was a commotion,
and I did not ignore it. And...

- [growls]
- Oh!

Were those your feces on the newspaper,
Mr. Lambert?


[rumbling, gasping] Walter.


- [snarls]
- [gasps]


Safe Halloween, Mr...


[siren blares]

Look, I know it was just a pig.

Peanut was not just a pig, officer.
He was my best friend.

- I thought I was your best friend.
- [scoffs]

Here's what I'm thinkin'.
Name Richie Hartman ring a bell?

Richie Hartman?

Everybody knows who he is.

I don't. Who is he? One of your boyfriend?

[Louise] Oh, you jealous now?

Why don't you go cuddle up
with your best friend, Peanut, huh?

[Dan crying] You see this, officer?

- I wanna press charges.
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

[Louise] And I wanna press
your face against that radiator!

- [Hubie] Officer Steve!
- I'm sorry, buddy.

The package got by me.
He moves quickly to the left.

Okay, well, how did the package
even know that I was in here?

Well, that's a glass window.
The package could see ya.

Yeah, but could've told the package
that I'm a mannequin or somethin'.

- You're right.
- What is this package they talkin' about?

- My bad.
- Guess they're talkin' about this fella.


I don't know his name.
The goofy idiot from the supermarket deli.

Dan, Louise, let's table
this discussion for a moment, okay?

- To be continued, I guess.
- [Louise] Oh, you guess?

I wish it was you
that was knifed up instead of peanut.

You hear this? Can I borrow your gun?

I assure you can arrest me
right afterwards.

[Louise] Cut your gizzards off.
That's what I should do.

Officer Steve, I saw my ne...

Never mind that. Cop a squat.

- Here?
- Yeah.

Hubie, how long have you lived in Salem?

Eh, my whole life.

Now, you've brought us
many instances of unlawful conduct

to our attention over the years.

Somebody put
a firecracker in my mail slot.

There's a diaper in Dori's pond.

There's a weird station wagon
at the senior center.

The supermarket is selling expired bacon.

Janet at the library
has not been herself lately.

I heard a voice in the sewer.

I'm sorry. I didn't recognize him.

The power of observation,
the ability to blend in.

That is you in a nutshell, Hubie.

Well, Steven, let's talk turkey.

May I?

Mmm… I only have 30 left.


You ever hear of an AUU?

I don't have an Internet,
so I'm not up on my latest abbreviations.

Illuminate me.

AUU stands for
"Auxiliary Undercover Unit."

[squealing, muttering]

[puffs, inhales]

-Now, before you get too excited,

let me tell you what it entails, okay?

First off, there's no salary.

- [exhales]
- There's no badge.

- [exhales]
- We can't acknowledge you officially

- in any way whatsoever. And...
- [exhaling]

And the most important thing is

you can never be seen talking to me
or any other officer in this place.


A question. How would I go about
getting the information to you?

Oh, you just keep a log.
A very detailed log.

And you drop that log right here.

In the garbage can
directly outside Town Hall.

So, drop a log in a garbage can?

Well, that garbage can, that's monitored,

So, any intel that you have,
it's gonna get to us. We'll know about it.

- Makes... makes sense.
- Yep.

But remember, you cannot contact us,
no matter how dire the emergency.

- Yeah, I heard you the first time.
- Yeah, I said it twice, it's important.

- Gotcha.
- So, you ready to join the team?

Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play.

[Steve] All right!


Tommy, I want mom to bring half my candy
to the homeless shelter in the morning.

Will you tell her when she gets home?




Tommy, where are you?

[horror movie music playing]

Danielle! Mom isn't home yet,
and I can't find Tommy. I'm scared.

- Did you check the basement?
- I checked everywhere. He's not here.

You know what that means?
Our brother's in love.



["Dancing with the Devil" playing live]

♪ Ghosts and goblins very scary ♪

♪ Wolfman's back is very hairy… ♪

How we doin', ladies?

Great, Freddie Mercury.

So lit to have freshman girls here.
New crop of hotties to hit on.

Hey! Easy, Mikey. My sister's a freshman.

Dude, I would never even
consider your sister in that way.

She's got no personality
and a greasy forehead.

You're a good friend, man.

[man shouts] Ha ha ha!




Didn't I see you on Union Street
a couple of hours ago trick-or-treating?

Well, I had to take out
my two new sisters, remember?

I don't know. I thought I saw you
hold open your bag to get some candy.

That's not babysitting,
that's trick-or-treating.

Oh, my God. I know, I know.
It's so pathetic.

It's not pathetic.

If you brought me a Kit Kat bar.

Well, I have a few.

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

[crowd cheering]

["Get Freaky" playing]

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky… ♪

- Excuse me. Smokers for chokers.
- [glass shatters]

- What's your problem?
- I got a problem?

I think you got the problem.

How we doing, guys?

- [man 1] What's up, old man?
- Got some ID for that drink?

- What?
- Yeah, not on my watch.

- What the hell?
- It's for the best.

And I think we are gonna dehydrate.
Let's break that up.

- Watch it, GI Jackass.
- [man 2] You wanna die?

Not yet.

Uh, excuse me, Grandpa Thermos,
you need to leave the party right now.

Leave public property?
I don't see that happening.

Leave. Or I'll beat you with a tire iron.

You and whose army?

Just me.

- And me.
- And me.

- And me.
- And definitely me.

- Let's kill him!
- [all clamoring] Yeah! Yeah!

Hang on! All right.

I realize I might have gone too far
for your teenage mental capacities

and that is a boner on my part.

[all laughing]

- I don't think he knows what boner means.
- No, definitely not.

When I was your age,
I made some huge boners.

[all laughing]

Boners that I wish I could get back now.

[all laughing]

Listen, give me a minute head start,

then tell him there's a kid
stuck in the corn maze.

And why am I doing that?

'Cause I am going to scare
the living crap out of him.

Really? Does he scare easy?

[screams] Oh my…

[screaming] Ah! Oh!

- [screams]
- [screaming]


Yes, he does.

[dance music continues playing]

[Hubie] Actually, I had a good time
with you guys after all.

It was fun. Hope we do it again next year.
Give a hoot, don't pollute.

- [coughs] Isn't that Woodsy the Owl?
- No, he was Tootsie Pops.

Hey, Mr. Pubois.

- Dubois.
- Dubois.

I think I saw a little kid
get lost in the Corn Maze.

In the what?

I heard him scream, "Help!"
Then he started crying.

My God, it's just...
It's just a little kid!

Okay. Handle your high.

I am a member of the AUU.
This is what I was trained to do.

[yells] Hoo-ah!

[wheezing, grunting]

I think we're good!

[all laughing]

Messing with Shoobie Dubois.
A Salem tradition.

My grandma gave him
his first titty-twister.

[all laughing]

- What a bunch of jerks.
- Should we go tell him it's a prank?

I knew I liked you, freshman. Come on.

Excuse me, excuse me,
Bride of Skankenstein. Yeah, thank you.

If you can hear me, please call out
so I can determine your whereabouts!

Do not be fearful, little one!

Announce yourself!

[girl] Hubie!

[Tommy] Mr. Dubois!

[girl] Hubie!

[Tommy] Hello!

- Where are you?
- Should we split up?

I don't know.
That sounds like a big boner.

- What?
- I'm just kidding.

- [girl] Yeah, go that way…
- [heavy breathing]

[Hubie] Is anyone out there? Sound off!

Tonight's temperatures
will dip below 28 degrees!

Your nervous system cannot handle that!

Sasquatch could not handle that!

[girl] Mr. Dubois? Hello!

Hey, Tommy, hey!

- Mr. Dubois! [screams]
- [laughs]

What the hell, Mike?
Why would you do that?

Hey, whoa! I'm sorry.
Come on, I couldn't resist.

[Tommy] That wasn't cool, man.

Hey, coffee boy.

You're that freshman, right?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, well, welcome
to your first high school fight.


[girl] Tommy!

Megan McNally, you like underclassmen?

Oh, that's adorable.

[Hubie] Hello!

Is the fight over? Did I win?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you kicked his ass.
Come on.

[Hubie] Is anyone out there? Sound off!

[high-pitched voice] Help!

Remain in place! I will find you!

Not if I find you first! [snickers]

Take me, evil one!
Just do not harm the child!

[high-pitched voice] Help, Hubie!



Dad? Is that you?

Does Mom know you're still alive?

Are you still mad at me?

No. It's Tommy, Violet Valentine's son.

Yeah, and Megan.
I work down at the coffee shop.

I give you free hot water
for your dehydrated soup sometimes.

Yes. Much appreciated.

The reason I take it for free
is 'cause I don't have money.

Anyway, we came over here
to tell you that there's no lost kid.

No one's lost?

Yeah, it's just Mike Mundi
trying to pull a prank on you.

Prank? No, I knew that.

So, I like the costumes.

- Garbage can?
- Yeah. Tin Man.

And Red Riding Hood.

I want to be honest with you.
Might not be a good year for it.

Um, between us,
there is a man-wolf on the loose.

Then maybe should I head inside?

A wise decision.

By the way,
my mom was talking about you tonight.

Your mom was talking about me?

What'd she say?

Just that you are nice.

Well, I am nice.

Because I'm not gonna tell her
that you're out here playing Romeo

instead of watching
your two little sisters.

- Well, now I feel bad.
- I know you feel bad.

- 'Cause you got a big heart.
- Thanks.

So, I'm gonna let
you two guys take off without me.

I'll give you a head start
in the name of romance.

- Okay. Go ahead, guys. Take care, now.
- [Tommy] Thanks, Mr. Dubois.

- [Megan] Happy Halloween.
- Not looking, guys!

Same corn over and over.

I should've left with the others,
'cause I have no idea where I am.

So, I came from there.
I already was there.

Can't believe I don't have
a compass on my thermos.

[muffled scream]

[muffled screaming] Help me!

Michael Mundi.

[muffled screaming] Help me!

Listen, I am a fan of a Halloween zinger
as much as the next guy, but…


What? What'd you say?

Michael? Michael!

What the...

[screaming] What?

[Aurora] It's nine o'clock in Salem,
which means all you trick-or-treaters

have counted up your candy corns
and are gettin' ready for bed.

What the heck?

[Aurora] But that don't mean
the fun stops for all of us.

- Hubie, I can't do this.
- Michael Mundi was abducted.

I found a ticket
to the drive-in at the scene.

Great. Start there.

[Aurora] So, now's the time for us
big boys and girls

to get up to some real mischief.

[oldies rock music playing]

[Aurora] And watch out. It's always
the quiet ones who get the most naughty.

[woman cackling maniacally]

Violet, where the hell were you?
We're falling behind out there.

Well, I was on the phone
with the credit card company.

They didn't know I had an extension.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Tayback.

You know how much
credit card debt I'm in right now?

Nobody gives a crap!

Just do your job. No breaks on Halloween.

- [phone buzzing]
- ♪ Party in the mummy's tomb ♪

♪ And she's in love
With the creature from the black lagoon ♪

[female voice] Your call has been
forwarded to an automated...

She's not answering.

Don't worry, we'll find Tommy.

I am your father,
and I demand some respect.

You are grounded for the next six months.


- [screaming]
- [chomps]

You son of a...


- Mmm. Hey!
- Hey.


So, did I miss anything?

Yeah, you just missed the best part!

The best part
is spending time alone with you.


[moaning softly]

[high-pitched moaning]


Did that turn you on?

How is sucking on
fake fingers supposed to turn me on?

Well, imagine that they're your fingers.

They're men's fingers.
Are you saying I have men's fingers?

Okay, look, I was just
trying something, okay?

- Something different.
- Jeez, man.

[sighs] Remember we used to
come here in high school?

Mm-hmm. Feels exactly the same, too.
We got Hubie Dubois spying on everybody.

I gotta say, it's pretty impressive
how long he's been a loser.

- I got a great idea.
- [woman on-screen screaming]

It's kinda evil, but stick with me.

Now, that turns me on.

[both laughing]

Michael Mundi.

[clicking pen]

Scheduled to come to
the Creature Double Feature.

To meet who?

To kill his next victim?

- [woman] Hubie.
- [screaming] Murder!

You okay, big man?

Mrs. Hennessy.

I am actually doing
a follow-up on a classified situation.

Did you lose your thermos or some shit?

Oh, that'll never happen.


Anyway, I saw something earlier.


Something suspicious.

Ears are in open position.

This is gonna sound nuts.

But I was going to get popcorn earlier,

when this freaky
old-timey car pulled into the lot.

And the driver was...

You just gotta see it to believe it.

Could you possibly point me
in the direction of this strange vehicle?

It's that one.

Right there.


Let's take a look.

- Oh, and, uh…
- Yes?

Hubie, do be… careful.

[man on-screen shouting]

[car starts]

What the what?

Okay, whoa, there.

Step out of the vehicle!

We can do this the easy way
or the paddle way. It's up to you.

[engine revs]


[Hubie screaming]

Help me!

[screaming, muttering]

What are you?


Help me!


No! Oh, God!


[kids shouting, clamoring] Get him!

What the heck?


[kids continue shouting]

[Hubie screams]

[Hubie mutters]


[grunts] Help me!



- Now do you want me?
- [Mrs. Hennessy] No!

[laughing, crying]

There's a time and a place for hijinks!

But there's a situation going on here!


- [growls]
- [screams]

Hubie. It's funny seeing you here.


I'm sorry about before. In the basement.

I really wasn't feeling myself.

I don't know
if I like you much better now.

You didn't tell anybody about that,
did you, Hubie?

Why? You have secrets, Mr. Lambert?

As in, secretly dropping by
the corn maze earlier tonight?

Did anybody get...

[panting, heaving]

- Mr. Lambert.
- Walter.

Your tombstone says
that you have yet to die.

Are you a human being,
or are you a moon-crazed beast

from beyond the grave, grave, grave?

[snarling, howling]

Hold that thought! I gotta split!

Mr. Lambert!

That just answered my question.

[crowd cheering, clamoring]

[male announcer]
Oh, man. That's another one.

[marching band playing fanfare]

What a man!
What a mouth! And on his first try.

Have a round of applause, everyone.

Who's next?

If the mayor can do it, so can you.

You, sir! Step on up.

Sorry to bother you,
mayor, but it's important.

[muffled muttering]


What is it, Sergeant?

About an hour ago,
I got a strange report

of a missing high school kid
from Hubie Dubois.

After I laughed it off as usual,
I got a call from the kid's mother.

He actually never made it home.

This Richard Hartman thing
has got you jumpy as hell.

I suggest we cancel
the fireworks show immediately.

We ain't canceling
a damn thing, Sergeant.

We got an unsolved mystery!

Eighty-five percent of the tourism dollars
spent in this town

are spent on Halloween night.

And I'm not gonna let no
high school peckerhead jeopardize that.

- I just think that...
- Trick-or-treat, smell my feet.

- I just think that you're not...
- Smell my feet.

- I just think that...
- Smell my feet.

[marching band continues playing]

You really want me to smell them?

[owl hooting]

[dog barking in distance]

[distant howling]

Let's just go back, Danielle.

I don't want Mom to get home
and see that Tommy left us by ourselves.

I think we'll all get in
really big trouble for that.

Are we even going the right way?

Excuse me, sir?

Do you know
the quickest way to Wallace Orchard?

- ♪ It was Halloween night at the castle… ♪
- Hey, handsome. Soup's ready.

One clam,
one chicken noodle, and one split pea.

So, you seem a little stressed.
I mean, what can I do to help ya out?

Maybe a glass of Chardonnay?

Well, to be honest with ya,
I don't drink beer.

But do you have any silver bullets?

That is not on the menu tonight.

But I happen to be an excellent listener
if you want to, you know,

share anything with me.


We all have a purpose.

Some people's purpose is to
make sure all the streets are clean.

Some people's purpose,

like Kenny Rogers', is to make sure
there's great tunes on the radio

that we can all
sing along with on road trips.

Some people's purpose, like you,

are here to make sure that kids
without parents end up with a mom anyways.

Who is nice and kind to 'em
and makes them feel loved.

- You happen to have any A1 Sauce?
- Yeah.

My whole life,

I felt my purpose
was to make sure everybody

was safe and sound on Halloween.

But tonight, I have failed massively.

[thermos whirring]

Because a fine young man
was abducted under my watch.

- That's on me.
- No.


[turns thermos off]

How can I help you?

You just did help me
by listening to my story.

Be careful today.

Danger is afoot.

Oh, well, I don't worry about me.
I worry about my kids.

Called home. None of 'em picked up.

They're probably just
watching a movie, though, and…

- Tommy's keeping an eye on them.
- Tommy?

I'm sure he's been there the whole time.
Without a doubt.

The night is young.
Appreciate you being nice to me.

Of course, Hubie.

You're the best person I know.

You're always thinking of
everyone else and never of yourself.

But I guess that's why you're a hero.


Did you see how scared Scooby was
when that car started moving? [laughing]

- With his ping-pong paddle at the ready!
- Oh, my God!

What a buffoon!

[mocking Hubie's voice]
Mr. Hennessy! Mr. Hennessy!


[tires screech]

There's somebody in the road.

- Who the hell is that?
- It's not moving.

Looks like a dummy.

You look like a dummy.
Go out and get it out of the way.


[puffs, inhales]

Now, see, that does it for me.

You like that?


[open door alert dinging]

[text keys tapping]


[Mr. Hennessy screams]



I'm gonna kick your ass for this, Lester.

I swear to God,
if you jump out of one of these bushes,

I'm gonna punch you in the face!

What the...



Where are you?



Valentine family, where are you?

I'm coming!

Danielle! Cooky!

I say, "Marco." You say, "Polo." Marco!

[man 1] Weirdo!


[man 2] Asshole!

[fire crackling]

[bare footsteps running]

Hubie Dubois! Is that you?

[Walter] Oh! You must be Mrs. Dubois!

I'm Walter!

Nice to meet you, Walter.

It's a shame
what they've done to your lawn!

Happens every year!



[grunting, shrieking]

[gasps] Oh!


[grunting, screaming]

[handcuffs clicking]

Not tonight!

[gasping, grunting]



We need to talk.

[Tommy] They're not up here.

[Megan] They're not down here, either.



- We didn't find them.
- Hey! It's okay. We'll figure it out.

- We'll find them.
- [pounding at door]

[Tommy] Oh, no.

[doorknob rattling]


[all screaming]

What are we screaming at?

[Tommy and Megan sigh]

- Bam.
- Mr. Dubois, I screwed up.

- I can't find my sisters.
- You don't know where the kids are? Huh.

'Cause I do. They're right here.

- [girls] Tommy! Tommy!
- Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry I left guys.
I'm so glad you're okay.

You are so cute with them.

You have a girlfriend?

I saw 'em coming through
the Old McMillan shortcut.

It was funny, 'cause not many people
know where that shortcut is.

Just me and a friend of mine,
Richie Hartman. When I was a kid,

we used to finish our band practice
and shoot right through there.

- Well, at least everybody's safe.
- No one in Salem is safe tonight.

Do you understand me, Tommy? That's why
I'm putting this family on lockdown.

Now, Tommy, you call your mother.
Let her know you're home.

Megan, you call your parents.

Let them know you're staying
at a friend's. That's for you.

You two, do me a favor. Eat all the candy
you want, and then go straight to sleep.

And lock this door!
No matter what, don't answer it!

What're you gonna do, Mr. Dubois?

I'm gonna do what I do every October 31st.

Make sure every citizen
in this town is safe and protected.

Um, but do you have a bathroom
I could use? 'Cause I, uh…

The soup kinda went right through me.


Toilet? Is it a big toilet?

'Cause I got a lot to do.

[howling in distance]

[barking, howling]

I know that howl.

[howling continues]

Walter Lambert!

[howling continues, loudly]

[girl screaming]

[crowd chattering]

[man laughing maniacally]

[howling continues]

The transformation is complete.

[dog grunts]

While I understand that you are
now a mindless killing machine,

I would like to speak with the human being
that is deep down below your fur.

[girl screaming in distance]

Mr. Lambert.

[dog grunts]


I cannot, in good faith,
allow you to hurt another soul tonight,

even though this is Halloween,
and even though I know this is...

Mr. Lambert, you're better than that.

You... Did you really wanna
defecate in front of me, sir?

Oh, now, you're eating it!

Is that Michael Mundi
you're eating right now?

Is he inside your feces?

- [barking]
- Mr. Lambert! Get over here!

[woman screaming]

[man screaming]

[Hubie's voice]
The only way to slay the beast

is a silver bullet right between the eyes.


Yo, dawg! That's my bullet!

[Hubie] Come here!


Oh! [panting, screaming]

Mr. Lambert?

[spooky theremin music playing]

Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert?

[moaning, crying]

Mr. Lambert.

- [screeching, snarling]
- [Hubie screaming]


Mr. Lambert.

This is not your fault!

You are cursed!



Mommy! No! Help me, Mommy!

Help me! Help me!

[sobbing, heaving]

- [man] And stay out!
- [women laughing]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That was so terrifying!

- That was even crazier than last year!
- Yes!

- How much fun was that?
- That was so much fun. [laughing]

It almost made me forget
that I buried my father today.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's a good thing.
I mean, not for him so much,

but it's given me
time to be introspective.

- That's good.
- I'm Pete Landolfa.

Oh, I'm Chantal.

- Chantal?
- Yeah.

[spooky theremin music playing]

Come to me.

Walter. Come!

Here, Walter.

[patting leg]

I don't wanna do this.

You've been a very good neighbor to me.

But what has to be done, has to be done.

Right between…

The eyes!

Oh, no.

- [dog barks]
- No!

Homeboy. Are you okay, man?

[screaming hysterically]

- Dude.
- No!

This is not real. You get that, right?

We're just trying to
raise money for our school.

[continues screaming]

Wait a second.

- Are you hittin' on me?
- [laughing]

Because if so, that is incredibly sick.

We're having a conversation.

Mm-mmm. 'Cause you're, like,
three times my age, okay?

Thrice. I was born around the same time
you had your first heart bypass.

- [dog barks]
- Oh, Buster! Hey, my big boy.

Are you here to protect me from this
weirdo man that's trying to hit on me?

- [screaming hysterically]
- [growls]

[screaming] My eyes are on fire!

- Why would you mace me?
- Yo.

I'm a dentist. I help people!

Liar! Lucifer!

[laughing] That sounds like Hubie Dubois.

And since I struck out with you,
I'm gonna take it out on him.

Have fun with that.

[man laughing maniacally]


[maniacal laughter continues]

[gasps] Oh! Oh!

You gotta be... Whoa. [chuckles]

There's this goof headed his way.
Hubie Dubois.

When he gets here,
I'll handle the scaring.

You just sit back and enjoy. [snickers]

[Hubie] Attention, haunted house patrons.

This is a direct order from the AUU.

Move quickly and quietly toward the exits.

The man-wolf has eaten his kryptonite!



[gasps] Huh?

Oh, my God. This is a travesty.

First, Mike Mundi. Now, Mr. Landolfa.

And why would God
do this to such good people?

Good people?
All those two ever did was abuse you, man.

You know who should feel bad right now?
Our wonderful mayor.

I'm truly sorry.

You knew that high school kid
from the corn maze was missing.

- But you told nobody.
- Yeah. Bad for business, I guess.

Oh, they just found Lester Hennessy's car
abandoned in the middle of Whipstick Road.

- No sign of Lester or Mary.
- No!

So, we are cancelin' the fireworks

and all other related
Halloween activities.

- Officer Steve.
- Not now, Hubie.

- I think I know who did it.
- Oh, so do I.

His name…

Is Walter Lambert.

- Walter who?
- Lambert.

Scientists would call him a lyco-thorpe.

I think he means a lycanthrope.

- Is that what it is?
- It's a werewolf.

- Okay.
- Hubie, I will lock you up.

- I got four people missing here.
- Officer Steve, listen to me.

I saw the man
destroy his home earlier today.

Then I saw him in the pumpkin patch.

His shirt was torn up.
He was barking at the moon.

His arms were very, very hairy.

Then I saw him at this haunted house,
his tail wagging in murderous glee.

- Wait, you talking about my dog, Buster.
- That was Walter Lambert!

Where does he live?

Fifty-Nine Elm Street. Check on it.

- There's your killer.
- [man on phone] Salem PD.

Blake, I need you to go out to 59 Elm.

There should be a guy there.
New in town. Possibly shirtless.

Yeah. Middle-aged,
growls a lot, glue-on hairy hands?

Yeah, I got him right here.
Him and your boy, Richie Hartman.

They both came by and turned themselves
in, like, 45 minutes ago.


Yeah. Apparently, Lambert is
Hartman's roommate at the mental hospital.

Sorry. Werewolf Treatment Center.

Lambert broke out about a month ago,
and then Hartman broke out yesterday

to try to find him
and convince him to come back.

It's actually pretty sweet, isn't it?

So, you've had eyes
on them for 45 minutes?

[Blake] Almost, like, an hour now.

And also, Lambert's real name is
Nick Hudson. Yeah. Walter Lambert

is just some name that he got off
a tombstone on his way into town.

All right, Blake. I got it. Thank you.

I feel bad you got yourself
in even more trouble just to save me.

No, it was good
to get out of that place for a while.

- You did me a favor. Thank you.
- Did you do anything fun?

I pissed on a tombstone,
pissed on the street.

Just some fun pissing stuff, you know.

- Nobody pees more than you.
- I'm peein' now.

[both laughing]

- That's a good roommate. Yes. [chuckles]
- [sniffing, panting]

- Who's a good roommate? Yes. Yes.
- [barking]

[Hartman chuckling] Yes, you are.

Lambert and Hartman have been in custody
during the whole Landolfa disappearance.

So, it couldn't have been them.

- [dog whimpers]
- Buster, my baby!

Oh, by the way, he ate a silver bullet
if you wanna check his feces tomorrow.

I ain't doin' that.

Then who? Are there any clues?

Landolfa did go back
into the haunted house to look for Hubie.

Yeah. Hubie seems to be around
a lot of people before they go missing.

- People who have messed with him.
- Did the Hennesseys mess with Hubie, too?

Oh, they live for it.

So, it was payback time. Wasn't it, Hubie?

No, I would never hurt anybody. I...

You got the wrong guy.

- Father Dave.
- Have you been planning this all along?

- [snarling]
- You sick man.

- Have you?
- I...

Have you?


[dog grunts]

[woman groans]

Did we just fall
for the old Frankenstein trick?


[screams, thuds]

[crying, whimpering]

[screams] Oh-ho!

[yells] Ya!


[whimpering, screaming]



- [Aurora] Bad news, gang.
- [thunderclap]

WTCH has just learned

that Salem's Halloween
is getting shut down.

- [growling]
- [Hubie screaming]

[Aurora] The police department is advising
everyone to stay home and lock doors.

But, my little Halloweenies,
we can all still celebrate

with nature's fireworks
lighting up the night sky.


Not sure what's happening
in this creepy town,

but sounds like a good idea
to cuddle up with someone special

and enjoy the last half hour
of Halloween under the covers.

And just hope that whoever
you cuddling isn't a madman.

[Aurora laughing maniacally]


[thunder rumbling]

Well, looks like I have company.

So, we're going to take
a word from our scary sponsors.

- [whistles like theremin]
- [man] W… T… C… H.

- Aurora?
- [gasps]

- [deep voice] Hubie Dubois.
- Yes.

I'd recognize that voice anywhere.
You look exactly how I pictured you.

To be honest with you, you don't look like
the way I was picturing you.

[high-pitched voice] I guess my
radio voice throws people off sometimes.

Yeah, that... I think that's it.

[giggling in high-pitched voice]

[deep voice] Have a seat, man.

["Werewolves of London" playing]

What brings you
all the way here this evenin'?

As you know, I'm a longtime listener,
and I always respect the advice you give

to so many callers.

Right now, I'm in dire need
of the most perspicacious advice

- you have ever given to any other human...
- [knocking]

[Aurora gasps] Oh, my God. Isn't that
so sweet? My wife brought snacks.

[deep voice] Ooh!
Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Oh, and who is this?

Baby, this is Hubie Dubois.

Whoa! For real?

Yes. Nice to meet you, ma'am.

I'm looking forward
to hearing your real voice.

This is my real voice.

Right. I know it is.
I was just saying, you know…

So, I am a big fan
of your husband, Aurora.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like you're the second
most frequent caller we get.

- Besides that one lady.
- Someone calls more than I do?

[laughs] Actually, I think she might have
a little something for you, Hubie.

She always dedicates
a song to a special someone.


And we all need that special someone.

- Right, baby?
- Yes, we do. Oh!

Dig in.

[both moaning]

- A couple days back…
- Oh, man.

…she had a couple glasses of Chardonnay.
Her guard was down,

and she asked
to dedicate a special song to Hubie.

- Chardonnay, eh?
- You know what they say about Chardonnay?

Truth serum. She said she's gonna show you
how much she loves you on Halloween.

- Do you think we could trace the number?
- I don't need to. Caller ID.


Sound familiar?

No. But there is a number
that needs to be dialed immediately.



[computer beeping]


It's a prepaid phone.

- [high-pitched voice] Bitch used a burner.
- Mm-hmm.

[moaning softly]

Any idea of someone
who might have a thing for you, or…

How would somebody
detect such a situation?

Anyone in town who seems like
they might actually enjoy talking to you.

There's one woman, but she's
the nicest lady I ever met my life.

Well, they all seem nice
till they kill you.

What's the desperate sicko's name?


[whispers] The high school hat trick,
Violet Valentine.


Her? And you?

I mean…

All right. Let's go see
if we can get ourselves a confession.

Ooh! This is some Dateline NBC shit.

Stormhawk in position and petrified. Over.

All right. First of all,
we're not gonna use code names.

- Okay?
- [Hubie] Copy.

Did you send backup to my residence
to have eyes on my mother? Over.

I'm a little short-handed tonight,

so I asked Father Dave
to keep an eye on her.

Negative! Request armed units
to that vicinity. Over.

Sorry. I can't spare the manpower tonight.

Here she comes.

Okay, Hubie. It's showtime.
Remember, we're lookin' for a confession.

But what if I can't get her to confess?

If you feel like you've done all you can,
or you feel like you're in danger,

say the code word. At that point,
we'll call the burner phone.

If she picks up,
we can implicate her that way.

And what's the code word again? Over.

- You don't have to say over.
- [Hubie] Okay.

Code word is pumpkin.

Roger that. Bogey on my twelve.

Three on a match.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

"Smoke 'em if you got..."
What the hell is he talking about?

I don't know.

What'd you ask me out here for, Hubie?

What's up?



- Straight to pumpkin?
- Yeah.

Pumpkin what?

Just pumpkin.

Don't kill me.

- You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Dialing.


I would never hurt you.

Thank you. Pumpkin.

Now! Pumpkin.

[call ringing]

- It's ringing.
- Is this a prank?

Is there somebody watching us right now?

- No one can see us or hear us.
- She must not have the phone on her.

[heavy breathing]


I just wanted to tell you that I have been
in love with you since second grade.

- What?
- Hello?

[whispers] Can you trace it now?

[heavy breathing continues]

Hubie, I've been in love
with you since the first grade.

What took you so long?

I was in love with our teacher.

Miss Glennon?

- Wasn't she, like, 70?
- I liked the way she smelled.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe that I spent three years
with a self-confident-for-no-reason,

bearded, human-ogre
when I could have been with you.

Ouch. That even hurt me.

I'm getting a location.
Steve, look at this.

- [Steve] Stormhawk, abort!
- I thought you were out of my league.

- Why?
- Stormhawk, repeat, abort!

It's the best news
I ever heard in my life.

The killer's cell phone is in your house!


No! No way!

Lock your doors!
Make sure you don't open them!

Take care of your children!
I'm gonna steal a boat!


I love you!

[clock chiming]

Oh, no. They got Father Dave.

Oh, my God.

- Boo!
- [screaming]


Why aren't you watching my mother?

The killer's in the house!
The killer's in the house!

There's no one in the house but her.


Can you help me down?

Ma! Ma!

You're okay.

Why, yes, Hubie. Why wouldn't I be?


Oh, no.

So, um…

Am I your special someone, Mom?

Always, Hubie.


And… today, did you...

Did you try to show me
just how much you love me?

Why, yes, I did, Hubie. I truly did.

- [man 1] Hubie!
- [woman 1] Hubie!

[man 1] Get us out of here! Help!

Hubie, please, get us out of here!

[all shouting hysterically]

Hubie, there's something
wrong with your mom!

Come on over here
and let me punch your mom in the face!

I mean, the good news is
you're still alive. I was...

Nice observation, toolbox!
Now get us out of this!

- I'm so sorry.
- I tried to explain to you already, Hubie.

If you don't fight back,
the bullies never stop.

So, I had to fight back for you.

[Mike] Please, Hubie!
Oh, my God!

Hubie, that's gas!

Mommy, I would've been satisfied if you
put itching powder in their sleeping bag.

This is extreme.

Don't do this to me.
Hubie, I'll be your friend forever!

[tires screech]

[all chattering, shouting]

[man] The old lady said
they'd be in the backyard.

[Tracy] Roll it! Roll it!

You don't have to do this.
This is too much.

We are here and we are live at
an unfolding scene of Halloween horror.

- [victims shouting, chattering]
- [Hubie] Ma. Ma.

- Mom, I really don't want you to do this.
- I know, Hubie.

That's what makes you so wonderful.
And that's why I have to do it.

I have to make it
good for you before I go.

Before you go?

- To Heaven?
- No. Probably going to Hell, Hubie.

[sirens wailing]

The cops are here!
You're goin' to jail, you crazy old bat!

- Well, then I better do this now.
- [Mr. Hennessy] My God. No, lady. Wait.

- [all screaming, shouting]
- No! No, no, no, no!

- Please don't.
- [Landolfa] Hubie, stop her.

[voices muted]

[distorted, echoing] Help me!

- Hubie!
- [Hubie screams]

[Landolfa laughing]



[echoing] No.

[screaming] No!

[all laughing maniacally]

Always thinking of everyone else,
never thinking of yourself.

But I guess that's why you're a hero.

[Landolfa] Hubie!



- Man.
- Freeze, Mrs. Dubois!

Hold your fire until my command.

Why did we bring them again?

There was nobody left at the station.
We had to.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mommy.
This is my fault.

- [Mom] That's okay, Hubie.
- [Landolfa] Hubie!

- Untie us, dummy!
- Come on, you stupid dummy!

- Untie us, now!
- [Mike] Are you paying attention?

[Mom] Okay. Wow.

Shame on you.

Hubie just saved your lives,
and you treat him like this.

Can one of you tell me why?

[Landolfa] Just look at him!

He's so… Hubie!

[all snickering]

Yes, he's Hubie.

He's helpful.

He's courteous,
he's cheerful, he's considerate.

What a bad, bad man.

My great-great-great-great-great-
grandmother laid down her life,

trying to save innocent people.

I was there.

And my son did her one better.
He just saved four ungrateful jackasses.

Thanks, Pubie.

Well, you can't even
thank him without insulting him.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said Pubie.
It just came out.

Could it be because you feel threatened?


I feel a lot of pressure
to be cool all the time.

I'm jealous of Hubie
being able to be himself.

I lost my hair 20 years ago,

and every time I walk into a room,
I feel silly.

Why should someone like Hubie
have such a thick, luxuriant head of hair,

and I look like a California raisin?

I have never felt sexually fulfilled.

- But...
- Oh, shut up, Lester.

You're usually there. You know it's true.

I'm guessing…

Hubie hasn't had a lot of sex.

No, ma'am.

Hasn't had any sex.


But what he does have is hope.

Damn him and his hope!

I was diagnosed
with dyslexia in the eighth grade.

I faked it for the doctors,
but I'm really just dumb.

I never really told anybody.

You're probably all surprised.

- No, I'm not surprised.
- Nope.

- You surprised?
- [laughs] No.

But Hubie uses big words,
and they come out so natural for him.

It pisses me off.

Oh, 'cause of the dumb thing.

My brother-in-law
once said that I had no ambition.

And then he bit me,
and I became a werewolf.

[howls softly]

You see?

Hubie's smart,
has nice hair, and sex hope.

But to me,

his best quality is this.

He can weather all of your insults
and your thrown objects,

and he responds with humor
and... and kindness.

Could you say the same?

Could any of you take
the abuse you dish out to my Hubie?

I busted a guy for DWI last week, and, uh…

He said it was an honor
to be arrested by a Muppet.

I acted like I didn't hear him.

But then I cried in my squad car
for about half an hour.

You see, Hubie. True bravery's being kind.

Even to those who are being cruel to you.

I just always wanted
to be as nice as you, Mom.

Oh, you were nicer.

But now I know that you're ready
to spread your wings and fly without me.

You don't have to be scared anymore.

I'm feeling emotional.

- And a little horny.
- Ooh!

- Not for you.
- Oh.

Just know that I'll always love you.

And happy Halloween.


[all] Where?

[Mom cackling maniacally]

We fell for that twice in one night.

We gotta try that
with the orderlies when we get back.

- Okay.
- It's such a… [laughing]


The blood. It's going to my...

- [police radios chattering]
- [cutting]

Happy Halloween.

One thing I still don't get.

Why did his mom
have to kill Peanut the pig?

That was me, actually.
I had a case of the late-night munchies.

All right, we gotta get these guys
back to the mental institution.

This has been a magical night
in Salem, Massachusetts.

- Excuse me. May I say something?
- [Tracy] Yes. Please, go ahead.


I just wanna say happy Halloween
to everybody in Salem.

Also, happy Valentine's Day.

I'm talking to you, Violet Valentine.



I just broke up
with my Canadian girlfriend.

So, I am available.

- Oh, my God.
- Miss Valentine, this is for you.

Hubie, do be mine.


[both moaning]

[Hubie] Yummy.

Muah! Muah!

[both moaning]

Can you guys stop kissing
and check out our costumes?

Yes, of course. Come on.

- Show us what you've got.
- Please. Let's see it. Oh, my God.

Oh, well, look at this.
I cannot believe we have this.

Father Dave.
My childhood friend, Richie Hartman.

- Is that Officer Steve?
- [Violet] Yeah.

And the one and only Mr. Walter Lambert.

[kids howling]

[Hubie] How did you do this?

[Steve] Oh!

Terrific costumes, guys.
Especially yours, Cooky.

I like it.
What are you? A Muppet, right?

Yeah, sure.

- Our kids are so creative.
- They are amazing. Mmm!

You never kissed me like that, Violet.

I know.

- Yeah, well…
- Dad, don't forget your sash.

Okay, yes. Would you put it on me, please?
That's right.

Thank you, Danielle and everybody.

I'll see you at the apple-bobbing contest
at ten o'clock tonight.

Oh, and you two. You guys
are gonna be hittin' the parties later,

- so I made these for you.
- [clicks]

That's some matzo ball soup,
also with a flare gun.


- [glass shattering]
- [cat howls]

You suck!

Sorry about that!

- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah, of course.

And this is chicken gumbo
with a hair dryer.

[air blowing]

[sighs] Wow, that is badass.

All right, guys.
Take care. I'll miss you.

- Mr. Mayor Dubois, let's get you downtown.
- [car starts]

- Bye!
- Love you, Daddy!

Bye! We love you. We'll see you later!

[Hubie] Bye, guys! Bye-bye!

Hey, Hubie!

You're the man!

Thanks. I learned it all from my mother,
who's right behind you.

- [all gasp]
- Got you, O'Doyle!

- [kids laugh]
- Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween to all!
And to all, a good fright!

[Aurora in high-pitched voice] And so,
another Halloween has come to Salem.

So, you best take the advice
of our beloved Mayor

and frequent caller, Hubie Dubois.
And have a safe and fun time.

[Aurora's wife in deep voice]
Hang on, baby.

Got some spaghetti and meatballs for ya.

[Aurora in deep voice]
Okay. Let's Lady and the Tramp that shit.

[slurping, moaning]

♪ I was working in the lab
Late one night… ♪

- [skeleton cackling]
- [screaming]

♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight… ♪


♪ Began to rise ♪

- ♪ And suddenly to my surprise… ♪
- [laughing]


♪ He did the monster mash ♪

♪ The monster mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash… ♪

[screaming] What are we screaming at?

- ♪ He did the mash… ♪
- [laughing]

Last one. Sorry.

- ♪ From my laboratory… ♪
- [screaming]

What are you?

♪ To the master bedroom
Where the vampires feast… ♪


♪ To get a jolt
From my electrodes… ♪

[screaming] Who are you?

- ♪ They did the monster mash ♪
- ♪ The monster mash… ♪

- What are you? [screaming]
- [clattering]



♪ They did the monster mash… ♪

- Boo!
- [screams]

[laughing maniacally]

♪ The guests included… ♪

[shrieking] Help me!

When I was a kid, I used to build
a tower with all my candy.

And all the candy I used
before the collapsing of...


[kids screaming]


Help me!

Now you're all in big, big trouble.

[grunts] Oh, sorry!

[all laughing]

That's you in a nutshell, Hubie.

♪ They did the mash ♪

♪ They played the monster mash… ♪

[all laughing]

♪ It was a graveyard smash… ♪

Here's some Happy Halloween word searches
I printed out.

♪ They played the mash ♪

♪ They played the monster mash… ♪

[both laughing]

That... that was... that was...
Ah... [bleep]

Ah... [bleep]

- [stammering]
- [bleep]



[Ray laughing]

[all howling]

[Rob] That's a good roommate.


[June] Hubie Dubois!

- This is Hubie Dubois.
- Hubie, I'm standing right behind you.

[Adam screaming]

♪ It's Halloween… ♪


[both moaning]

[all laughing]


[man] And… action!

Freeze, Mrs. Dubois!

Hold your fire until my command.

- Shut up!
- Shut it!


[all laughing]

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween… ♪

[man] Whoo-hoo!

♪ Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween… ♪

[Maya] What the hell are you doing?

[moaning, laughing]

Did that turn you on?

What is it supposed to be? Little penises?

[all laughing]

[speaking gibberish]

[all laughing]

- [man] Okay.
- ♪ Trick, trick or treat… ♪

- Boo!
- [man screaming]

Smell my feet.





- Smell my feet.
- Really?

Smell my feet.



♪ My eyes bulge out in horror… ♪

Oh, whoa. Ho ho!

[both chattering]

No, it was fun throwing hot dogs at him.


- We gonna eat Peanut tonight.
- [horse neighs]

- He was my...
- You be quiet, too. You next.

♪ Trippy Halloween
Trippy, every one of us ♪

- Oh, dope.
- [all laughing]

♪ Trippy Halloween
Trippy, every one of us ♪

[man] And… action!


No! No! No! No!

[Julie] Hubie!

♪ Trick… ♪

[Adam] Not cool! Not cool! Not cool!

- ♪ Trick, trick or treat ♪
- [Adam grunts]

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ If you want to get spooky ♪

♪ Go ahead and get spooky ♪

♪ If you want to eat candy ♪

♪ Eat candy for free ♪

♪ If a vampire gives you a bite ♪

♪ You'll stay up the rest of the night ♪

♪ And if you want to get freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with me ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with me ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ If you want to make moves on a girl ♪

♪ Make moves on a girl ♪

♪ If you want to moves on the boys ♪

♪ I won't make a fuss ♪

♪ If the electric chair
Gives you a spark ♪

♪ Then you won't be afraid of the dark ♪

♪ And if you want to get freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with us ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with us ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Run and hide
But we'll still find you ♪

♪ 'Cause something freaky ♪

♪ Is right behind you ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ When the stairs in your house
Are creaky ♪

♪ That's pretty freaky ♪

♪ When the killer behind you is sneaky ♪

♪ That's pretty freaky ♪

♪ When the banshees at night
Are shrieky ♪

♪ That's kinda freaky ♪

♪ When the rats on your face are squeaky ♪

♪ That's very freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with me ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with me ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with me ♪

♪ Freaky, freaky, freaky ♪

♪ Get freaky with me ♪

[crowd cheering]

["Dancing with the Devil" playing]

♪ Dance ♪

♪ Ghosts and goblins
Very scary ♪

♪ Wolfman's back is very hairy ♪

♪ But whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ When the Devil comes for you? ♪

♪ The Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil… ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Sexy witches
Ancient mummies ♪

♪ Poison candy in your tummies ♪

♪ But what you gonna say ♪

♪ When the Devil comes your way? ♪

♪ The Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil… ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Do you believe in God? ♪

♪ Do you believe in the Devil? ♪

♪ Will you dance tonight ♪

♪ In the kingdom of Heaven? ♪

♪ Or will you dance
in the kingdom of Hell? ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Devil ♪

♪ Dancing with the Devil ♪

[crowd cheering]