House of Clowns (2022) - full transcript

("Funky Fanfare"
by Keith Mansfield)

(ominous music)

(witch cackling)

- Haunted Houses tend
to be a main attraction

during Halloween season.

You enter a dark place,

you walk down a long hallway,

and you never know what
will be lurking about.


What if you entered a contest,
(cat yowling)

and won an exclusive ticket

to the one night
only Shadow's Edge?

Well that's what
tonight's feature's about.

(Halloween sound effects)
We follow seven lucky winners

throughout their
terrifying evening,

but remember to
follow the rules.

Now, enter at your own risk.

(somber music)

(ominous music)

(maniacal laughter)

("Monster Mash"
by Bobby Pickett)

- Um, hi.

Can you get me some black
cream makeup out of the case?

- I don't work here.

- But you have a name tag on.

- No, I don't.

- [Evan] You're gonna
get fired, you know that?

- Good, I can finally
get out of here, then.

- [Evan] How can you
hate this place so much?

This place is great.

I mean, look at that,
those girls are hot.

And that one's
shorts are so short,

they might as well
be called a belt.

- If you like it so much,

why don't you come around
the counter and work for me.

- [Evan] All right, so
why do you work here?

Your love of Halloween?

- Hell no, Halloween
is the dumbest holiday.

I don't even know why
people celebrate it.

It's like Easter, it looses
it's appeal once you get older.

- [Evan] What are
you talking about?

Easter rocks.

My mom still hides eggs in our
back yard on Easter Sunday,

and I love it.

Hell, I still color Easter eggs.

- It's a wonder you
don't have a girlfriend.

- [Evan] Hey,
you're just jealous

'cause I can color some
pretty bad ass eggs.

- Yeah, well, I wish I had a
couple of those eggs right now.

There's a couple of people
I'd like to throw them at.

- Am I one of them?

- I'll let you know.

- Hey, excuse me.

Um, is this where
the contest winners

are supposed to meet for
the haunted house outside?

- Unfortunately, yes.

- Sweet.

Man, I've been looking
forward to this forever.

Halloween and horror
are my life, you know?

I've actually seen just
about every horror film

that you could possibly imagine.

I've been to, like, every
haunted house so far this year.

Now, I don't know what it
is about blood and guts,

but (sighs) just
gets me excited.

- [Evan] Yeah, I can see that.

- [Vincent] Huh?

- (laughs) Evan.

I'm one of the
contest winners, too.

- [Vincent] Oh,
hey, how's it goin'?


- So you're a horror buff, huh?

- Yeah, I actually drove
an hour to get here.

When I heard about this contest,

and knew that there was a chance

that I could spend the night
locked in a haunted house,

I just had to put my name
in this contest, you know?

So you got a ticket
for this house?

- No, I don't believe
in that sort of thing.

- You don't believe
in what sort of thing?

- Halloween, you know,
paying to go through

some cheesy plywood fun house,

watching people dress up
like their five years old,

stuff like that.

- So, uh, this must
be like winning

the lottery for you, huh?

- Yeah, (sighs) my mom was
pissed when she found out

I entered in this contest.

You know, she thinks that
Halloween is for, like, misfits,

and, you know, people with
no time on their hands.

So if you ever see her,
don't tell her I'm here.

I told her I was staying at
a friend's house tonight.

- I'll be sure to
keep my mouth shut.

- Oh, Christian.

(Christian sighs)
(Evan snickering)

You wouldn't happen
to know anything about

why a customer complained
about one of my employees

refusing to help them, and
taking their name tag off

right in front of
them, would you?

- [Christian] No, I don't.

- Just out of curiosity,
uh, where is your name tag?

- Uh...

Must have fallen off.

- Mm-hmm, look Christian,

I know Halloween isn't
your favorite time of year,

but the fact is that
you're getting paid

to help the customers
with their wants

and needs inside the store.

You're not getting paid
to lean on the counter,

and mope around.

You need to take a better
interest in your work.

(Christian sighs)

- I bet if you showed a
little more enthusiasm,

you'd really start
to enjoy your work,

and maybe even Halloween.

Every little
positive thing you do

can really make a
world of difference.

Not only for you, but
for the customers.

Do you understand what I'm
trying to say, Christian?

- Yeah.

- Good.

Well, as you may know,
I've been given the task

to work with The Shadow's
Edge Haunted House,

and I'll be in and
out of the store

getting everything
set up for tonight.

So I need you to be
on your best behavior.

Can I count on you to do that?

- You bet.

- Hey, you're a
lucky ticket holder.

- Yeah, I am!

- Slap it!

- [Evan] All right!

(Nick mumbles excitedly)

(ominous music)

- How about him?

- Ugh, no, ew.

- Come on, this is the only way

into the house,
tonight, with me.

- I don't know.

- Just go over there, and
turn on that sex appeal

like I know you can, baby.

- I couldn't, he literally
looks like he would

hump my leg, if he could.

- Look, listen, you
said so yourself,

you want to come into
this house with me

to have a little
bit of, uh, fun.

So pop that chest
out, lick those lips,

and, uh, seduce this
guy out of his ticket.

- No, no, absolutely not.

- You serious?

- Yeah.
- Fine, all right.

I'll do it, but you're
gonna have to appreciate me

a little bit more for this.

So my man, I notice you
got one of those tickets

into the house tonight.

Let's say I, uh, give
you 20 bucks for it?

- No, no, man.

- How 'bout, uh...

How 'bout 40?

- Uh...
- 40 bucks.

- I really want to
go to this house.

- Right, uh...

50, that's the highest.

- No, man.

I just can't part with it.

(sighs) Sorry.

- All right, all
right, check it out.

You see that chick
standing right over there?

- [Creepy Guy] Yeah.

- [Eli] She will do
anything you want.

If you want to dress her
up like a little boy,

lick some frosting
off her, or something?

She'll do it.

- You know, honestly, though,

I don't find her
all that attractive.

- What, are you serious?
(creepy guy stammering)

Are you a little dog
fucker, what the fuck?

- I don't.

(paper crinkling)
- Give me this.

- Hey, hey.


- I knew you'd do
better than me.

- Yeah, you just remember

about the little appreciation
you told me about.

- I still don't get it.

- You don't get it?

How do you not get it?
- What nuts?

Like, I don't get it.
- The hell?

Like, what's the joke?
- Whoa.

- What are you looking at?

- Her.

- Hi, can I help you?

- Oh, no thanks.

- Okay, well, I'm here
whenever you need help.

- Thank you.

- 'Scuse me, guys.

Be right back.

- What's he doin'?

- Thinkin' with his penis.

- Don't get it, you
don't need that stuff.

- Excuse me?

- The clown makeup.

There's no way a gorgeous
girl like yourself

is gonna be covering her
pretty face with that garbage.

- Actually, I'm not here
for a Halloween costume,

I'm just here killing time.

- Oh, you got a hot date
next door at the cafe?

- No, no.

I actually won a contest
to spend the night

out in the haunted house.

- Oh, so you're a
Halloween junkie.

- Hardly, my friend
said it would be funny

to enter me into this contest,
and wouldn't you know,

my name was drawn, and I won.

I'm really not too
typically optimistic,

but I thought it was worth
coming and checking out,

and maybe the joke'll be on
them, and I'll have a good time.

- [Christian] Yeah.

- What about you, are you here

looking for a Halloween costume?

- Me, no, I picked out
my costume weeks ago.

I'm actually here for
the haunted house, too.

I was chosen as a winner.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, that haunted house
out there is, like, my heaven.

- (laughs) Well, it looks like

we'll be spending
the night together.

- [Christian] I'm sorry?

- Out in the haunted house?

- [Christian] Oh, right, of
corse that's what you meant.

- Well, I'm Abigail.

- Can I call you Abbie?
- Sure.

- [Christian] I'm Christian.

- Can I call you Chris?

- [Christian] Well, you
could, but I won't answer.

(laughing quietly)

- Nice to meet you, Christian.

- Nice to meet you.

(both laugh nervously)

Well, I have to go take
care of a few things,

but I guess I'll see you out
in the house, in a little bit.

- [Abbie] Yeah, I'll
see you in a little bit.

- All right,

- [Abbie] Bye.

- Ta-ta?

- Hey, shut up.

At least I talked to her.

- Yeah, but ta-ta?

All right, a question
for you, Einstein,

are you planning on continuing

a conversation with
her within the tent?

- No, I'm gonna get inside.

- How?

- Give me your ticket.

- Hell no, you don't
even like Halloween.

- So, we're good friends, right?

I've done a lot for you.

- [Evan] Like what?

- Um, (snaps) you
remember that time

that you broke your
mom's favorite vase?

I told her that I
tripped and broke it.

I covered for you, man.

- We were like eight years old,

and the next day you told my mom

that I put you up
to lying for me.

- Oh, come on, man.

I'll never ask you
for anything again.

- Fine.

Yeah, right. (laughs)

- Sorry, man, you'll have to
kill me to get this ticket.

- Fine, screw both of you.

(Evan and Vincent laughing)

There's gotta be a way I
can get into that house.

- [Evan] Go talk to Nick.

- I don't think Nick likes
me very much, right now.

- Then you better
go kiss some ass.

- Okay, I have never
kissed anyone's ass.

- Then you better
skip kissing his ass,

and go straight for
his crotch area.

(Christian and Evan
conversing in the background)

- Do you have a
ticket for this house?

- [Christian] Wish me luck.

- Why else would I
be standing here?

- Touche. (laughs)

(clears throat) So I'm
thinking that you and I

should probably stick together
when we go inside this house,

just so, in case we get alone.

I mean, we are alone.

Because I don't want
you to be alone.

- I prefer to be alone.

It's how I entered this
dark, lonely world,

and it's how I'm going to
leave this dark, lonely world.

- I've seen enough
horror films to know

that you're as good as dead
if you're out by yourself.

You know, new place, all alone.

I'm just trying to
look out for you.

What was your name?

- Raven.

- Raven, huh?

- Yeah, why?

Do you have a problem with that?

- Oh, no, I just never
heard the name Raven before.

It's unique.

- Raven is the darkest
bird out there,

but yet, has this
purity about itself.

I like to feel like I'm a raven.

Dark and mysterious
on the outside,

but so knowledgeable and
powerful on the inside.

- You know, I know of a
couple porn stars named Raven.

- Well, I'm Vincent.

- And I am Woodpecker,
because I like to peck at--


- Well, anyways, I am
getting very excited

to be going into
this house with you.

You seem to be a very
beautiful and interesting girl.

- A very interesting
girl. (laughs)

(traffic zooming)

- Excuse me.

Sorry, I'm looking
for Cecil Smith.

I was told he's the guy
in charge of all this.

- House doesn't
open til tomorrow.

- Yeah, I know that.

- You, uh, one of those
contestant winner people?

- No, I'm from inside the store.

I was told I'd be
out here to assist

with the sneak peak, tonight.


Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I really
like your costume.

What are you
supposed to be, like,

a dirty person from the South?


- Prick.

- Mr. Smith.

Hi, Nick Mangelsens, I'm
one of the managers here.

I just wanted to welcome
you guys to our store,

and to our town.

- I didn't know we had
a welcome crew for us.

Is there a reason why you're
looking at me like that?

- Oh, no, I just didn't
expect you to have the accent.

- Oh, yes, God
forbid an Englishman

charge of something
like this in the States.

Would you like me to get
you some tea and crumpets?

Would that make you feel better?

- Nothing was meant
by it, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

You never know what
to expect down here.

- You really had me goin' there.

- Usually, we come into town,

and people look at us
as if we're murderers.

Excuse me a moment.


How many more times
do I have to tell you

to get off your ass
and help around here?

I've told you a hundred
times to do something!

I'm sorry about that.

- Quite all right.

- He's a little crazy.

Look, I appreciate
your kindness,

but I have a full staff
who travel around me,

help me out.

I really don't think I
have any use for you.

- Well, just look at
me as your assistant.

If you need a water, just say,
"Hey, Nick, get me a water."

You know, if you want me to
dress up in a werewolf costume,

and hide inside of the house,
and jump out and scare people,

just say the word
and I'll do it.

Your wish is my command.

- Oh, what the hell.

Welcome aboard.

- Excellent!

Is there anything you
need right now, Mr. Smith?

- No, and call me Cecil.

I think I'm fine, thank you.

- All right, well then, I
guess I'll head back inside,

and gather up the
contestant winners,

and fill them in
on things, and, uh,

we'll see you at sundown?

- [Cecil] That you will.

- See you then.

Oh, and remember, if you
need anything at all,

just shout for me.

Christian, what are
you doing out here?

You need to be inside
helping customers.

- Sorry, Nick, but
this'll only take a sec.

- (sighs) What is it, Christian?

I'm kinda in a hurry, here.

- Well, I was thinking about
what you told me about,

you know, taking more of
an interest in my work,

and Halloween, and whatnot.

So I thought, um, maybe I could

help out in the
haunted house tonight,

you know, just as an
extra set of hands.

I really think it could help me

get more into the
Halloween spirit.

- Why do I have the feeling

you're setting me
up for something?

- I'm not!

I really think that this whole
haunted house thing is cool,

and I should embrace it.

- I don't know.

Well, you see that
guy over there?

- Yeah.
- That's Cecil Smith.

He's the owner of this place.

He'd be the guy to make
a decision like that.

Go talk to him.

- Thanks, Nick.

- Oh, hey, Christian.

- [Christian] Yeah?

- Feels good getting into the
Halloween season, doesn't it?

(Christian sighs)

(gate dragging)

- So, this your baby, huh?

The house, I mean.

You own it?

- Something like that, yes.

Do I know you?

- No, actually, I
work inside the store,

and I was curious about
this haunted house-thing,

and my manager sent me out here

to see if you
could use any help.

- [Cecil] My, this store
is pretty friendly.

- So, is that a yes
or a no on me helping.

- I have a full staff.

I really don't want or
need a bunch of people

walking around
inside here tonight.

Something could get
broken, or worse.

Someone could get hurt.

It's the last thing
I need at this point.

(ominous music)
It's a big enough risk

opening this thing
up to the public,

with some of the things
that we do inside.

It's only a matter of time

before someone gets
seriously hurt.

I've actually been quite lucky

that no one has
gotten hurt, so far.

- I promise I'll be careful.

- You're word means
nothing to me,

considering I only
met you a minute ago.

- (sighs) You gotta let me in.

- Why do I gotta let you in?

- Halloween is my
favorite holiday.

It's like my Christmas.

I work inside the store,

so I wasn't able to
enter the contest

for the sneak peak tonight.

It's not fair.

Just 'cause I work
inside the store,

and surround myself with
Halloween, and what I love,

I don't get to have fun
when something this amazing

comes to town for one night?

- Look, kid,

if I let you in,

then I'd have to let in
everyone who asked me

if they could come
inside the house.

It's just not fair.


I guess it wouldn't hurt to
let you inside here, tonight.

We'll just act like you're
one of the VIP ticket holders.

(Christian laughs)

It could be our little secret.

- This is so awesome, thank you!

- But you can't tell
anyone that I let you in.

- [Christian] I
promise, I won't.

- I'm being serious.

If you tell anyone, then
I'll have to kill you.

(Christian laughs and stammers)

- [Christian] Good one.

- Well, um...

- [Christian] Oh, um, Christian.

- Christian, it was
nice meeting you.

- [Christian] Nice to meet you.

- But I have to
get some work done

before I let you
guys in here tonight.

- Right.

- Remember.

(old instrumental music)

- So?

- I'm in.

- How'd you manage that?

- Can I have all the
contestant winners

gather over by me, please.

Greetings, everyone.

I'll be one of your
hosts for this evening.

My name is Nicolas
van Man-ghoul-sens,

and before we go inside
the haunted house,

there are a few
rules to go over.

No one is to touch
anything inside the house,

and everyone is to stay
together, unless told otherwise.

You wander away from the group,

you're likely to have the
blood sucked from your neck.

I need everyone to sign
these release forms

before we go inside.

- What for?

- Because once inside,
we are the property

of The Shadow's Edge,
and all the living

and non-living things inside.

If they want to eat your brains,

they're more than welcome to.

Now I'll need everyone
to write legibly,

and have your IDs ready
before we go inside,

so we know you're
giving us the real name,

and not some phony made up name.

- Kind of like your
phony made up name,

Nicolas van Man-ghoul-sens.

- Everyone take the
next few moments

to fill out these forms.

Oh, and one more thing.

Once inside, the exits
will be padlocked shut,

and there will be no way out.

Everyone will be locked inside

with all the demonic
creatures. (laughs maniacally)

- I don't know if I can stand
being trapped in the house

with that guy all night long.

- Maybe you're the
one with the problem.

- By the way, I
wanted to ask you,

what are you gonna put down
as your name on your sheet?

- My name, Raven.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I
thought it was Crow, my bad.

- What name are
you putting down?


- Funny, very, very funny.

- So can I borrow that pen
when you're done with it?

- Sure.

- Thanks.

So did you drive
yourself, today?

Or did a friend drop you
off, like, a girlfriend,

or a guy friend.

- I drove myself.

- [Christian] Cool, cool.

So do you live with yourself,

(Abbie laughing)
or you know, with a friend,

or maybe somebody who's
more than a friend? (laughs)

What, what's so funny?

- Why don't you just ask me?

- [Christian] Ask you what?

- If I have a boyfriend?

Isn't that where this
really uncomfortable

conversation is leading to?

- No, it's just, it...

Fine, do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

No, not right now.

Most guys, these days, are
just looking for a free ride.

- [Christian] A free ride?

Oh, right, I get it.

- But I'm not that kind of girl.

I like to make a guy
work for my affections.

- [Christian] There's
nothing wrong with that.

- Well, I'm not like most girls.

- [Christian] I can see that.

Most girls wouldn't go
through something like this.

Really shows you're willing
to try anything once.

- Yeah, I feel like I'm
like that most of the time.

- [Christian] Maybe we
could hang out some time.

I'd like to put that
theory to the test.

- I think I'd like that.

(clears throat) Here's the
pen you wanted to borrow.

- [Christian] Oh, thanks.

- I'm gonna go turn this is in.

Um, I'll see you in a bit?

- [Christian] See you soon.

- Bye.

(ominous music)

(gate creaks)

- Right this way, everyone.

Get excited, say trick or treat!

- Trick or shut the fuck up!


(gate creaking)

(metal chinking)

(ominous music)

It smells like wood in here.

(door slams)

(lock rattling)

(Halloween sound effects)

- Welcome, everyone,
to the study room.

Please, come in, come in.

- This looks like something

out of a children's
public access show.

- Don't touch anything.

- [Christian] Okay, I'm sorry.

- Damn fools have no
manners, whatsoever.

- Okay, I said I was sorry.

- Hey, Vincent, I think I
found the perfect mate for you.

- I think I found
my perfect mate.

- Please, there's no such
thing as a perfect mate.

Only someone that you can
tolerate to grow old with,

that doesn't make you want
to go on a shooting rampage,

and kill everything
and everyone in sight.

When it's all over,
you lay next to them,

and rot together underneath
the Earth's surface.

(Vincent laughs)

- I love your idea
of pillow talk.

(Raven sighs)

(Sasha laughs)

- Come on, babe.

- Where are we going?

- Let's go find a little
place where we can, uh...

(Sasha laughs)

- Maybe we should
wait a little bit.

(Eli sighs)

Come on, we've got all night.

- But I don't want to wait.

Besides, I know how you get.

- What?

- You're gonna get tired,

and you're not gonna
be in the mood anymore.

- I'm not really in the
mood right now, anyways.

- Why, because of the company?

- Well, kinda.

- Well, what is it?

- Eli, don't.

- No, he's staring my girl down.

- Come on, don't--

- I ain't gonna let him stare
my girl down, like that.

- I promise, if you don't, I'll
do that one thing you like.

(laughs) You know, when I...

- Go on.

Can I get a hell, yeah?
(Sasha laughing)

- Hell, yeah!

(Sasha laughing)

- Hey!
(metal thuds)

God damn it!

Don't you fucking kids listen?

- But it's just a cup.

- And you're just a dumb broad.

- Hey, leave her alone.

- What did you say, boy?

- I said, leave her alone.

- Or what?

- I'll, I'll--
- Christian...

- Enough, Waylon.

(Halloween sound effects)

- They were touching
things, boss.

- Waylon, we've been over
this a hundred times,

you have no say in anything
that goes on around here.

You are my employee,

and you will listen
to what I have to say.

Now put the cup
back on the shelf,

and go and stand over in
the corner until I need you.

- Yes, sir.

- I'm sorry about
that, everyone.

Waylon sometimes
gets a big head.

Hey, Christian, how are you?

Let me be the first
to welcome you all

inside The Shadow's
Edge Haunted House.

My name is Cecil Smith.

Have they all signed the forms?

- Yeah, yeah, I have
them right here.

(paper rustling)

- Good, good.

We chose one lucky town
to come to to set up.

A lot of people ask us

why we only have it
open for one night.

Why set up this tent, and go
through all that hard work

for one night a town?

Well, quite frankly, that's
all the time we need.

It only takes a few
hours for everyone

to have the life
scared out of them.

This is no ordinary haunted
house, this house is special.

The things that we
do inside this house

mess with your minds.

You don't know what is real,

or what is fake.

The blood that stains
these walls, these floors,

is it real?

Is it fake?

Let your minds decide.

People outside waiting
to come through,

hear the screams from within,

and they don't
know what to think.

Should they call for help?

Should they run away in fear,

that they could be the next
to possibly fall victim

to The Shadow's Edge?

Now some of you may
be asking yourselves,

hey, Cecil, why is it
called The Shadow's Edge?

Because that's where
the freaks play.

That's where reality
and nightmares meet

to create a world so terrifying

that you don't know
if this is real life,

or just fake.

Sure, you can scream for help.

Scream all you want,

but the truth is, you chose
to be part of this contest.

Now that you've won, you're
part of this nightmare.

There is no way out for you.

You're locked in.

Locked in with the freaks.

Freaks that have only
one thing on their minds,


I see by your faces that it's
all ready starting to set in.

Fear is in your mind.

Well before you have a
chance to ease your minds,

let me remind you of something,

this is new territory for you.

You don't know what
is behind that door.

You have no idea what is
lurking in the shadows.

All you know is
that you are mice

in this maze that
I have created.

This will be the most
interesting night of your life.

And what's even better,

those forms that you filled out,

they allow us to do
anything we want with you.

(Cecil laughs)

There's no turning back now.

You're all in to the end.

It's showtime.

- Cecil Smith, hmm.
(Halloween sound effects)

Who is this man of darkness?

He sends freezing cold
shivers down my spine.

What I wouldn't do
to spend a night

locked in a haunted
house with him.


Well, who's ready to
start this nightmare?

Let's get this party going?

Now remember to stay together,

and don't touch anything!

- Ooh, yes!

Can you feel it in the air?
(Halloween sound effects)

That's Halloween,
ladies and gentlemen.

- One more thing, before
the real fun begins.

Everyone is to stay together,
unless otherwise informed.

You'll get your chance
to check things out,

but you do things
my way, or else.

- That's right, everyone.

You wander away from the group,

you're subject to have the
blood sucked from your neck.

- Can you wander
away from the group?

- I'll second that.

- I'm going to suck your blood.


- You know what, all
of you can kiss my ass.

I'm just trying to
have a good time,

and get everyone into
the Halloween spirit,

and alls I've heard all night

is all of you mumbling
under your breath,

and making fun of every
God damn word I say.

Every single one of
you can piss off.

I hope you all burn in hell,
and die in here tonight.

I'm outta here.

(Evan laughing)

Sons of bitches!
(mask clatters)

(Nick fumbling with door)

Damn it, I need the damn key.

(ominous music)

Hey, do you have the
key to this lock?

Look, I don't have
time for this,

do you have the
key to this lock?

Listen, bitch, I just
wanna get out of here

before I do something I regret,

so for one last time,

do you have the
key to this lock?

(chain rattles)

(Nick choking)

(Nick gasping)

(chain clattering)

(gagging and choking)

(heavy breathing)

(shoes thumping on floor)

(bones crunching)
(chain rattling)

(chain clatters to the floor)

- Get it, nuts?

- (laughs) Like balls, right?

- (laughs) Yeah.

- I didn't get it before, man.

- Oh my God.

- Text from your girlfriend.

- No, a text from my mom.

I'm telling her I'm staying
at a friend's tonight.

- Aw, you still let mommy
know where you're at.

- Yes, I don't
want her to worry.

I mean, she is the
type that if I tell her

I'm going to the store, and
I'll be back in 20 minutes,

she'll start worrying
after 21 go by.

- Ah, so, um, why are you
lying about where you're at.

- 'Cause if I tell her I'm here,
she's not gonna believe me.

Then she'll stay up all
night worrying about me.

- You really are a
momma's boy, aren't you?

- Hey, shut up.

You don't know me well
enough to make fun of me.

- Well, in all honesty,

I think it's kinda cute.
(ominous music)

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Okay, everyone, will you
please come over this way?

The fun is about to start.

(ominous music)

(Halloween sound effects)

I told all of you

that you would get the chance
to roam around this house,

and you have also
been forewarned

about the dangers that
lurk around every corner.

But right now, we have a
special treat for one you.

Ah, how about this lovely
young lady, right here?

I promise not to bite
hard, sweet heart.

- I'm more of an observer.

- No one is an observer tonight.

You are all my prey.

Trust me, take my hands.



- Oh!

- Fine.

- And what might your
name be, my sweet?

- Sasha.

- Sasha, what a beautiful name.

- Thank you.

- You're a very attractive lady.

I take it that you're
into fashion and makeup,

and all that glamor stuff.

- Well, looks like
this don't come easy.

(men whistling and catcalling)

- What if I told you that
we had some makeup artists

inside the house tonight?

Would that make you happy?

- I guess.

- Excellent.

Sasha, my darling, Waylon, here,

is going to take you
for a special treat.

You're going to get a makeover,
as you've never had before,

and it's all curtesy
of The Shadow's Edge.

Don't be afraid, take his hand.

He isn't going to do
anything to you, I promise.

That's it, now take her away.
(Halloween sound effects)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, wait.

- Relax.

- I don't want her
leaving my sight.

- Well, unfortunately,
you can't go with her.

There's only room
for one, you see.

- I'll be right back, hon.

- Now, as for the rest of you,

won't you all follow me as
I take you on a little tour.

- About time.


- So, uh, need a
hand to hold on to?

- There is no hand in
this world worth holding,

especially not yours.

- Would a simple
no have killed you?

(ominous circus music)
(Halloween sound effects)

(clowns snickering menacingly)

- [Waylon] Go.

- Don't you ever touch me
again, you fucking pig.

- You watch that pretty
little mouth of yours.

- Get off me!

(restraints clatter)

Let me out--

(Sasha crying)

(Sasha whimpering)

- They'll make you so pretty.

(Sasha crying)


God damn, you're beautiful.

Stay still.

I want this to be special.


God damn it!

You stupid bitch!

(breathing heavily)

(clown snickers)

(scissors snipping)

(Sasha crying)

Well, it's too bad.

We could have been
something special.

Now I'm gonna have to make
you look like one of us.


(Sasha screaming)

- What the hell was that?

- All part of the experience.

Nothing to worry about.

- No, that sounded like Sasha.

- Where are you going?

- To see if my
girlfriend's all right.

- I assure you, she's just fine.

She's getting special
VIP treatment, right now.

I promise you, everything
is going to be just fine.

(Halloween sound effects)

Remember the rule of
not touching anything

inside this house?

- Yeah, I just thought
I saw some dust,

and I was gonna
dust it off for you.

- Man, can't believe
how much crap

they actually cram
into this tent.

- You're calling all
this crap? (laughs)

- Just seems like such a waste

to have all this stuff
set up for one night,

don't you think?

- I don't know.

I mean, I guess if you're really
passionate about something,

that makes it worth it,

and some people are so
passionate about things

that they're willing
to do anything for it.

- [Christian] What about you?

- What about me?

- [Christian] Do you have
any passions in life?

- I have lots of passions?

- [Christian] Anything
you'd do anything for?

- Some.

- Well, name one,

just to give me an example.

- All right, well, I
guess, I'd have to say

that I'm passionate about
becoming an actress.

- An actress, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- What kind of actress?

- What do you mean,
what kind of actress?

- Oh, you know, like, TV
actress, stage actress? (laughs)

- Hmm, I guess...

I guess I would like
to be a stage actress.

- You know, I never
would have pegged you

as the actress type.

- Oh, and what would
you have pegged me as?

- Well, if I had to go with
my first impression of you,

I'd say, quiet type.

You know, innocent little girl,

and in high school,
sat in the back,

and kept her head down,
didn't cause any trouble.

Always did what mommy
and daddy told her,

never caused any problems.
- (laughing) Oh, God.

- Perfect little angel.

- (laughs) That's what
you thought I was?

- Yeah, and I have to say,

even after talking
to you for a little,

I think that's partially true.

You know, I think
you're a rather shy

and to herself kind of girl.
- (laughs) Okay, okay, okay.

Well, let me let you
in on a little secret.

Come here.

I'm not as innocent as I look.

- Can I help you with something?

- What happened to your face?

- I was in a car accident
when I was younger,

and I went face-first
through the windscreen.

- Did it hurt?

- What do you think?

- (sighs) So, doesn't this
remind you of something

out of an '80s horror film?

- Is that all you do
with your existence,

is watch horror films?

- No, I also watch porn.

- Ugh.

- What?

- (clears throat)
So are we gonna get

to roam around on our own?

I'm about ready to fall asleep.

- [Evan] Yeah, this
is pretty lame.

I've got a neighbor that
does one out of his garage,

and that's scarier than this.

- (sighs) I have to agree.
(Halloween sound effect)

Can't we go back
to the makeover?

I've been dying to have
an afternoon like that.

(laughs softly)

- You guys have no idea
what you're in for.

Everything I told you
(Halloween sound effects)

about this haunted
house is true.

- That's funny 'cause I
don't remember you saying

this haunted house blows ass.

What, dude?

Look, all I know is that when
I signed up for this contest,

it sounded like we were gonna
be able to roam around freely,

and we haven't been able
to do a thing like that.

- If you want to roam freely
throughout this haunted house,

all you have to do is ask.

- Can I roam around
the haunted house?

- Of corse.

- Thank God.

- Finally.

- Wait, Raven!

I, uh, don't want
you to be alone.

- Fuck this, I'm out of here.

- [Evan] Hey, Christian,
you want to head off, too,

and check out this place?

- No, man.

- [Evan] What?

- Abbie.

- What about her?

- We're gonna go
off by ourselves.

- Nice, give me some!

(Christian laughs)

- [Christian] Hey.
- Hey.

- Which way you headed?

- I don't know, but I don't
want to head off by myself.

- Would you like some company?

- I'd love it. (laughs)

- For someone who thinks
this place is boring,

and wanted to go and
explore the place,

you're sure spending a lot
of time in the same room.

- Yeah, I just thought
I'd hang out here,

and let everyone
else get a head start

on checking out the place.

Besides, I thought I'd, uh,

touch all the pictures in
this room when you leave.

- Don't think I don't know
sarcasm when I hear it.

But you've got to be
the biggest smart ass

that I've ever known,

and I promise you this,

if you touch anything
else inside this house,

I'll kill you.

- Oh, I get it, now you're
the one being a smart ass.

(laughs) I get it.

- Now, if you excuse me,

I have some business
to attend to.

- [Evan] See you, See-cil.

- It's Cecil.

- [Evan] Catch you later, Cecil.

(door scraping)
(ominous music)

(door scraping)


(door scraping)

- Hm, hungry, Abbie?

- Mm, you know, as
delicious as that looks,

I think I'm gonna pass.

- Whatever, you're missing out.

Man, you gotta have a
lot of time on your hands

to think of all this creepy
stuff for a haunted house.

- [Abbie] I don't know, I
think it's kind of creative.

- Creative, I think
it's borderline psycho.

(knife scraping)

Well, that's hot.

- Oh, yeah?

You think so?

- Yeah, the only
thing that's missing

is some blood all
over the knife.

- Well, come here and
give me some blood.

- Hey,
(Abbie laughing)

take it easy, you're
gonna hurt somebody.

- I want some of your blood.

(both laughing)

Let's go check out some
of the other rooms.

- Come on, work.

Sasha, you in here, babe?

Sasha, quit being the
little bitch you are,

and come on out, all ready!

(picture rattles)

God damn clowns.


Who's there?

(ominous music)

Shit, man.

Fucking gave me a
fucking heart attack.

Where's Sasha?

- Who?

- My girlfriend, the
one you took with you.

- Oh, right, uh...

She's, uh, she's back that way.

(box creaking)

- Raven, where'd you go?

Man, that girl is
playing hard to get,

and I'm loving it.

Oh, speaking of loving
it, this is awesome.


Whoa, kick ass.

(scissors slicing)

Ah, you cut me!

What the hell is
the matter with you?

- Don't touch my doll.

- Yeah, well, don't
play with sharp objects.

Give me those scissors!

I said, give the to me.

- No.

(Vincent grunts)
(ominous music)


- What's going on in here?

- Your little friend,
here, just cut me

with those scissors in her hand.

- What have I told you about
playing with these scissors?

Give me those scissors,

and go wait outside
in the hall for me.

Let me see.

- Look, I understand
you wanting to give

the ultimate scare, and all,

but having little girls run
around with sharp scissors,

cutting into people's arms,
isn't my idea of a fun time.

- It's just a scrape.
(Halloween sound effects)

Look, I'll tell you what,

I've got some bandages in
one of the control rooms

that Waylon can get for you.

- Good.

What are you gonna do
about the little girl?

- [Cecil] Oh, I'll handle her.

She knows better.

She'll get a stern talking to.

- Yeah, and maybe a spanking
wouldn't hurt her, either.

- I said I'll deal with it.

Now, if you can find your
way back to the study room,

where we first met up,
I'll send Waylon your way.

I'm going to have a word with
the young lady, right now.

Young girl, what have I told you

about playing with
these scissors, hmm?

This is not a toy,

this is a very serious
and sharp tool,

and can do some serious damage.

Now what happens when I take
a pair of scissors like this,

and I cut someone's arm, hmm?

- [Little Girl] They get cut.

- And what happens when someone
gets a cut on their arm?

- [Little Girl] They bleed.

- How much do they bleed?

I said, how much do they bleed?

- [Little Girl] Not very much.

- (sighs) How many more
times do I have to tell you?

If you're going to cut someone,

you do it either here, or here.

Never, ever cut their arm.

Not unless you have a bigger,
sharper pair of scissors, hmm?


I know you're young, I
know you're still learning.

I know, some day, you'll
get all this stuff down.

You have potential,

and one day you'll
make better decisions.

Now where's that pretty
little smile of yours

that I like to see, hmm?

That's it.

Now, go on, get out of here.

- Well, I learned that lesson
(Halloween sound effects)

a long time ago.

(scissors snipping)

Ooh, mine still has
some blood on it.


(Halloween sound effects)
- [Abbie] I thought there were

so-called monsters in here that
were supposed to be hiding,

and jump out and
scare us. (laughs)

- Maybe they fell asleep
'cause they were bored.

- What?

- Screw it.

Uh, I'm sorry.

It just felt right.

That was incredible.

- I'm not usually like this.

- Well, I'm glad you're
like that with me.

Come on, let's get out of here.

(ominous music)
(Halloween sound effects)

- Hello?

Babe, where are you?

Baby, where are you?

Who is this?

Ah, damn it!

(tape ripping)

- You know, for such a
dark and isolated person,

you do have a tender touch.



So I bet everything that
I'm saying right now

is turning you on.

It's getting you all
wound up and excited.

You're just ready to
explode with emotion.

You're just looking for
something to take it out on.

You probably want to take me

right here, right
now, don't you?


Ah! (laughs nervously)

- Is that what you wanted?

(Vincent laughs)

- Uh, yeah..

- I want you, right here.

- Right here?

- Here.

- In front of him?

- Yeah.

- I've got an idea.

(hurried footsteps)

- So I see those
two are still alive.

So what's the update
on the rest of them?

- I don't know.

(ominous music)

- When our Sissy passed away,

I promised her I'd
look after you,

but you are about to join her.

Now get out there
and do your job,

before those kids start
sniffing around too much.

- It's the room where
that little girl cut me.

Thought we could
make use of this bed.


- Wait, you want to do this
on the little girl's bed?

- It's not like she
really lives here,

she's just an actor pretending.

- But what if she comes back in?

- She's not coming back in,

she's all ready got in
trouble for cutting my arm.

Now come on, let's
do this all ready.

(Raven sighs)

Ah, ah, ah, ow, ow, ow!

- (laughs) What, did I hurt you?

You little baby.

- No, no, it's just,
uh, fine, baby.

I just wasn't expecting
you to chow down on my lip.

Ow, jeez, what you do that for?

- (laughs) Just go with it.

- Baby, you are a freak.

- [Raven] Mm-hmm.

(ominous music)

(scissors stabbing)

(Vincent screaming)

(Raven screaming)

- What was that?

- I don't know.

(scampering footsteps)

(door slams open)

Ah, oh Jesus Christ!

(Raven screaming)

Somebody help me!


Please, don't hurt me.

(Raven sobbing)

(head exploding)

(blood dripping)

(hammer thudding)

- What the fuck?




(door slamming)


(running footsteps)

- [Eli] Go!
- Whoa, whoa, what's up?

- Just go!

- [Christian] What happened?

- [Eli] Come on!

(Eli breathing heavily)

- Eli, tell us what's going on.

(Eli breathing heavily)
Eli, talk to us!

- This place, it's, uh...


something's not right.

Something's going on.

- What?

- Look, just tell
us what's going on.

- He just killed her.

- Killed who?

I don't, uh, the
gothic looking chick.

- What, Raven?

- Yeah.
- Wait, somebody killed Raven?

- Ugh.

- Are you sure she was killed?

I mean, it's not an
act, or something?

It's a haunted house, dude!

- You think I don't
know what I just saw?

He took a frickin'
sledgehammer to her head.

- Wait, wait, you're starting...

You're starting to freak me out.

- [Christian] Look,
who killed her?

- I don't know, it
was some big guy.

He had long hair, looks like
he didn't shower in years.

- Where is he?

- I...

I stabbed him.

- I want out of here, we need
to get the hell out of here.

- We'll get out of
here, just calm down.

- Ah, I don't believe this.

- Maybe we should call
the police, first.

- [Abbie] Where is it?

- I don't know, I had it before.

Where's your cell phone?

- I don't carry a cell phone.

- Who doesn't
carry a cell phone?

Well, Eli, let's use yours.

- No, screw that.

My girlfriend is
somewhere in here,

and I'm not leaving
til I find her.

- Wait, are you crazy?

There's a killer out there,

and you want to look for
your girlfriend by yourself?

- You need to get
your hands off me.

- We need to find
a way out of here.

- And you need to
get out of my way.

- Fine, give me your cell phone.

- I said get out of my way.

- Don't shove me!
- Boys, stop it!

- Look, you guys can do
whatever the hell you guys want.

I'm gonna go find Sasha.

- [Christian] We shouldn't
leave each other.

- Listen, I don't care
for either one of you.

All I know is someone
just got killed,

and my girlfriend is still
in here somewhere, alone.

I'm gonna do whatever
I can to find her.

- Going somewhere?

- What kind of messed up
house do you have here?

I just saw some chick
get her face smashed in.

- I think you better calm down.

- I think you need
to tell me exactly

what the hell's going on here.

- I told you before,

what's inside
these walls lives--

(fist thudding)

- You better hope nothing
happened to Sasha.

- Are you all right?

- I'm fine.

- Cecil, we need to get
out of here and get help.

- Do you have the key
to get out of here?

- Yes, it's right here.

- All right, let's go.

- [Cecil] Wait,

there's something we
have to do before we go.

- What?
(ominous music)

(Christian grunting)
(Abbie screaming)

- Let go of me!


Stop, stop hitting him!

(Abbie sobbing)

- I bet the two of you
have a million questions

running through your
heads right now.

- You won't get away with this.

- [Cecil] (laughs) I
all ready have, my boy.

I all ready have.

You see, if word gets
out that something fishy

was going on inside this house,

I just act like one of the
contestant winners snapped,

and went on a killing rampage,

killing everyone inside
the haunted house.

And then I'll give
myself a few little cuts

to make it look as it
the killer turned on me,

and when I get interviewed
by the police and media,

I'll just say how
unfortunate it was

that this had to happen, and
how I feel for the families

and the victims,
yadda, yadda, yadda.

And the next thing you
know, I'm on my way.

It's perfect.

- What did we do to you?

- [Cecil] (laughs) Why
does everything have to be

done for a reason, huh?

Did you ever stop to think

that there are sick
people out there

who just enjoy torturing and
killing other people, huh?

- [Christian] You're sick.

- You bet I am.

Take them to their
separate rooms.

(quiet whimpering)

- Oh my God, no.

No, no, babe?
(coughing and crying)

Babe, what happened to you?

(Sasha coughing and crying)

Oh my God.

I'm gonna get whoever did this.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.

(both crying)

I love you so much.
(ominous music)

(flesh squelching)

(suspenseful music)


- My mother told me
that when I was little,

I was fascinated with blood.

- Wait, don't kill me.

Let me go, I won't
tell anyone about this.

(Cecil laughing)

- Oh, you kids are
so dumb these days.

Do you think I'm
going to kill you?

No, where's the fun in that?

I'm just going to torture you,

and then I'll let
Waylon, here, kill you.

(Cecil chuckles)

- Don't touch me, asshole!

- Can one of you
get his feet for me?


Now hold him tight.

(Christian yelling)

(Christian gasping)
(Cecil laughing)

(blood dripping)
Now this is living.

(sighs) Well, I'd love
to stay and cause you

some more pain and discomfort,

but there's a young lady
that needs some attention.

You know, there's something
about torturing girls

that I enjoy better than guys.

- [Christian] You touch
her and I'll kill you.

- Now, now, I believe
that's what Waylon

is going to do to you.

- You hear that, boy?

I'm gonna kill you.

Right there.

(thud) (flesh squelching)
(fence clattering)

- Evan?

Holly shit.

- What the hell's going on here?

Why are they trying to kill us?

- I don't know, man, but
we gotta get out of here.

- How are we
getting out of here?

- Cecil has the keys.
(flesh squelching)

(thud) (horn honking)
- [Evan] Where is Cecil?

- He's going after Abbie.

We gotta go save her.

(Evan breathing heavily)

Come on, man, we
gotta keep moving.

- Yeah, I'm just
getting dizzy, man,

I got hit in the
head with a hammer.

- You gonna be all right?

- [Evan] Yeah, yeah, I just
need to rest for a minute.

Go on, I'll catch up with you.

- No way, man, I'm not leaving.

Here, I'll help you,

we can keep moving.
- [Evan] No, just go!

Go on, I'll be right behind you.

- You sure?

- [Evan] Yeah, just
go. (breathing heavily)

- All right.

Don't take too long, I'm not
leaving here without you.

- [Evan] Okay,
just go get Abbie.

(ominous music)

(running footsteps)

(scuffling across floor)

(Evan screaming)

- I'm gonna kill 'em all.

(running footsteps)

- (whispering) Christian?

- [Christian]
(whispering) Are you okay?

I'll get you out of here.
(metal clanking)

- [Abbie] Christian, hurry.

- All right, let's get
you the hell out of here.

Come this way.

- [Abbie] No, don't go that way.

Let's go this way.

- [Christian] But
there's no exit

that way.
- Come on!

(flesh squelching)

- Here, hold this.

(ominous music)
(Abbie gasps)


- Don't come any closer,

or I'll cut her throat.

- Look, just put the knife
down, and let her go.

She hasn't done anything to you.

- Do you understand the concept
of me cutting her throat?

Now stay where you are.

- Just give us the
key, and let her go.

- Let ger go, give
us the key. (laughs)

Listen to you, you
sound like an idiot.

Do you think I'm just going
to let you waltz out of here?

I've got a good thing
going on in here.

- Maybe we can help you.

Join you.

- Join me, yeah, right.

You don't have what it
takes to kill people.

But wait a minute, you
killed Waylon, didn't you?

That's how you got away.

Bravo, he's one of my best.

- [Abbie] You're a sick freak.

- Careful, honey.

I've got a sharp object
up against your throat.

- We can work this out.

You killed my best friend,
we killed your best friend.

We're even.

Firstly, Waylon
wasn't my best friend,

and secondly,
there you go again,

thinking there has to be a
reason for someone being killed.

Do you know how many
people we've killed?

Hundreds, and we're going
to kill hundreds more.

I don't care who they are.

I don't even care that
you killed Waylon.

All I care about is
torturing people.

You see these scars on my face?

It wasn't a car accident.

I did it.

Handy work, right?

I got bored one night,

and I sat in front of the
mirror and cut my face,

and watched the blood
drip down my face.

So I guess you're right,
I am a sick freak.

You know what?

I'm sick of explaining
myself to you.

I'm going to kill her,

and I'm going to kill you.

Is there anything you
want to tell Christian

before you die, sweetheart?


(Abbie gasping)


This is going to be sweet.

(ominous music)

(Christian grunting and yelling)


- Get the knife.

- Christian, no, wait!

We can work something out.

It doesn't have to end this way.

- Yeah, it does, you bastard.

(knife stabbing)

(Christian gasping)

- Looks to be a bit pale, dad.

- I'd say so, darling.

Wipe that makeup off
your face, now, dear.

- What, you looked
shocked, Christian?

What, you don't like me anymore?

I thought we had
something going.

What do you think of
my new boyfriend, dad?

- Mm, I don't know, sweetheart.

I don't think he's your type.

No, I don't approve of this one.

- Okay, dad.

(sighs) Oh, well.

I guess we can't
date, after all.

So what are we going
to do with this one?

- Let Chainz kill him.

- No, dad, let me
kill him, please.

- I don't know, Abigail.

- Oh, come on.

- I don't think you're ready
for killing someone, yet.

- Dad, I did all the
work of keeping him here.

You should have seen me, dad.

I was doing so good.

I could be an
actress, after all.

Let me kill him, dad, please.

I'm ready, I swear.

- These are the moments that
a parent really treasures.

- [Christian] You bitch.

(Abbie laughs)

- What did you call me?

- [Christian] How
could you do this?

- (laughs) Are you
listening to this, dad?

He wants to know why.

You know, I don't know.

I guess you could say
it's a family thing.

(knife stabbing)
(ominous music)

(heart pounding)

(heart slowing)

(Christmas music)
(people talking)

- (sighs) Holidays make
me sick to my stomach,

wouldn't you agree?

- Yeah.

- I'm Abigail.

- Michael.
- Michael.

You have the most
beautiful eyes, Michael,

if you don't mind me saying so.

- Thanks, I grew them myself.

(Abigail laughs)

- So are you here with anybody?

- Yeah, my mom, dad, and sister

are inside that stupid
Christmas Wonderland thing.

- And you decided
to stay out here.

- Man, I grew out of this
stuff when I was nine.

- Come on, don't you think
it'd be fun to go through it?

Come on, you're
not gonna make me

go in there all alone, are you?

- Uh, I don't know.

- Come on, it'll
be fun, I promise.

- Ho ho ho.

- [Michael] (screaming) No!

(heavy metal music)

- You know what they say,
(Halloween sound effects)

a family that slays
together, stays together.

You know, I was thinking
about purchasing

The Shadow's Edge, but
seems they like to keep

the business in the family.

Well, many holidays are upon us,

so be careful which
house you enter.

You may be there for eternity.

(laughs) Until next
time, my victims.

(evil laughter)

(somber music)

(witch cackling)

("Funky Fanfare"
by Keith Mansfield)