Hot Under the Collar (1992) - full transcript

Jerry tries to seduce his girlfriend Monica via hypnosis, but it accidentally makes her want to enter a convent and take a vow of chastity instead. Jerry tries to get her out by disguising himself to a priest and later as a nun. Alas, his rescue attempt crosses paths with a mobster who looks for his hidden stolen diamonds in the convent. Things get even more complicated when the pope himself decides to pay a surprise visit.

[mysterious music]

[comical music]

[indistinct chatter]

Curly fries, good choice!
Try them with horsey sauce, huh?

-Hey, hey, J.K.!
-Hey, guys. What's up?

Uh, Theo's dong. [chuckles]

Very funny.

You guys want something to eat?

No, we heard there was going
to be a sorority party

over at UCLA.

-Thought we'd check it out.
-What sorority?

Uh, Hubba Kappa,
something like that.

That's Alpha Kappa, doofus!

Right, Alpha Kappa Doofus,

-Want to come with, Jer?
-Nope. Got to work late.

Then I've got
a date with Monica.

[Theo] Ooh, you guys
getting serious or what?

[Jerry] Well, let's just say
that tonight is the night

when Mr. Train should
be hitting the magic tunnel.

You're taking her on a train?

So what's the big plan?


"The Complete Guide
to Hypnosis"?

Oh, you guys are starting
a lounge act.

[suspenseful music]

-[TV in background]

[whispering] ...ninety-four...


-Good evening, friends!

And welcome
to the holy hootin'-nanny.

Now, tonight I want
to talk to all of you

about communicating
with God!


Damn, Jerry, I don't get it!

How come you always get
the hot babes like Monica

and we have to go begging
for dates from the Hubba Kappas?

It's all a matter of attitude,
Zoom. You gotta be loose,

you gotta be cool
and you gotta be confident.

Hummata, hummata, hummata...

[Jerry] There you go,
perfect timing.

Now go over there
and make something happen.

-Damn, let's go for it!
-That's the attitude, Zoom.

-Now remember, you're loose...
-I'm loose.

-You're cool...
-I'm cool.

You're confident.

Don't push it.

Go get them, boys!

[sighs] Oh, God...

Evening, ladies.

Come here often?

So, you chicks up for a little
hide the banana tonight or what?

Beat it, bozos.

Right. That's cool. I can deal.

I'll catch you babes later, huh?

Jesus, God!

We must keep our eyes
and our ears open

because I will tell you,
right now.

There will be a
sign from God,

for you, for you,
and for you.

Today, and each
and every day,

you must look
for that sign.

And when you see that sign,
you must say,

"Yes, Lord,
I hear you talking to me!"


And you must devote yourself
to God

from that moment onand let
nothing stand in the way

of your life long service

to the Lord!

And I do mean Jesus.


[woman singing]

[stutters] Okay, Mom. Thanks.


[comical music]

[screams, laughs]

Oh, look...

The lights!

They look like lost angels
searching for divine redemption

amidst a dark sea
of metaphysical nothingness.

Don't you think?

Oh, yeah.

[Monica chuckles]

So what do you want to do now?

Well, I'm not allowed
to name it,

but I will say it involves
two excited organs

and a change of underwear.

New idea, you want to work
on our hypnosis?


-You've been practicing?
-Yeah, I have,

but... I don't know, I'm just
not getting the hang of it.

I'm doing something wrong.

It's easier with two people.

You know, I bet you're right.
Okay, let me do you first. Okay?

-Oh, okay. [chuckles]
-[chuckles] Okay.




You are very...

-...very relaxed.
-[suspenseful music]

You are very sleepy.

Your eyelids are very heavy.

You are very, very sleepy.

[gasps] Wow!

-That was great!
-Jerry, you ruined it!

I changed my mind.
I want to do you first.

Are you sure?

Kick back, relax.

Just keep your eyes
on the crystal.

Okay. [chuckles]

Relax all the tension

in all of the muscles
in your entire body.

You are getting very relaxed.

You, Monica,
are completely relaxed.

You feel and hear nothing

but with the sound of my voice.

Your eyelids are getting heavy

and you are feeling very sleepy.

When I count to three,

you will fall
into a deep, deep sleep.

One, two, three.

When I snap my fingers,

you will wake up
and remember nothing.

But you will find yourself
irresistibly attracted

to Jerry Kaminsky.

You will crave
his strong, masculine hands

all over your eager nubile body

and you'll want to make
mad, passionate love with him.

Do you understand, Monica?

Yes, I understand.



[suspenseful music]



Make me scream, little cowboy!

[Jerry] Yes, yes!


[celestial music]


[Monica] Oh!

The sign!

The sign from God!

[Monica chuckles]

Oh, yes, Lord. I hear you.

what are you talking about?

[gasps] I'm coming, Lord.

I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming, Lord.

To love you, and to serve you,

and to be
your groveling slave...

-...the rest of my days.

Wait for me, wait for me!

[Monica screams]

-Bro, vicious babes!
-Mine, too!

Did some dudes just run by here?

-Let's get them.

[suspenseful music]

Yeah, it's him, alright.

-Are you sure?
-Sure I'm sure.

-How do you know for a fact?
-Because I know, alright?

Remember, I am the man
that makes the plan.

Let me see.

[imitates bird]

Yeah, it's him, alright.

Thought I just heard myself
say that.

-Let's get him.

What do you want to do?
Just run up there and say,

"Excuse me, Sisters,
but can we kidnap your handyman

so we can cut off his nuts?"

Okay, okay.

So what do we do?

Doofus! We call Cleeghorn,
that's what we do.

Stuey, why do you always call me
a doofus?

I don't know, Bean.

Maybe it's
because you're such a doofus!

I hate that.

[Jerry] Anyway,
I'm glad she's alright.

Thanks for the info,
Mrs. Woolsey.


A convent!

-She joined a friggin' convent!


It's not funny, Theo!

You've pissed off a lot of women
in your day, Jerry,

but you've never driven
any of them to this.

I didn't drive her to anything.
She just up and ran off.

What convent did she go to?

You guys are not going
to believe this:

the convent
of the Blessed Virgin.

No shit! What's that?

It's where the nuns
from Virgin High live.

And no comment from you!

Look, you have to admit
that there is a pattern

here with your girlfriends.

First, Christy Murphy gets sent
to school there and now this?

All I know is
something is definitely wrong.

Monica is not the nun type.

Maybe she really had a calling.

It does happen, you know?

[girl crying]

Sherry, what's the matter?

She's having doubts.

Doubts? What kind of doubts?

Oh, Monica, I don't know
if I'm meant to be a nun.

I can't memorize all that stuff
like you two can.

Oh, sure you can!

You just have to stick with it!
Come on.

Did you know
that when Mother Theresa started

she didn't know
a plenary indulgence

from a cocktail weenie?


Well, it's more than that.

I want to serve God, but I...

I miss my old life.
I miss school. I miss shopping.

I miss Bon Jovi,
and beach parties,

and Albuquerque
turkey sandwiches.

And you know what I really miss?

Boys. [sighs]

You know what?

I think I'm having doubts too.

Will you two cut it out?

I mean, okay, look.

It's perfectly natural
to have doubts at first,

but a year from now you'll say,

"Jesus Christ,
do I love being a nun!"

And he'll say, "Yes, you do."

Yes, but... no more dates
for the rest of our lives.

Ay, ay, ay!

You two are taking the entirely
wrong attitude here.

Okay, look.

Who's the studliest guy
you can think of?

I don't know.

Jean Claude Van Damme?

[Sherry] Rob Lowe.


Well, mine
is William F. Buckley.

So let's take
Jean Claude, Rob and Bill

all rolled into
one super-tough dude,

multiply it
by one hundred billion

and what have you got?

Heaven on earth?

No, silly!

You've got God. God!

Who could be studlier than God?


And just think we are all
going to be married to him

for the rest of our lives.

Could anything be
more exciting than that?

[Sherry] I guess not.

'Course not.

Besides, if you two quit now,

you'll probably roast in hell
for all eternity.


And we don't want that, do we?

[Monica sighs]

[holy chanting]


[Cleeghorn] Why don't you talk
to me the way you do, you know?

[Rowena] What way?

You know, that baby talk.

-Right now?

Yeah, yeah.


[imitates baby gurgling]

-Oh, yeah.

[dramatic music]

[Cleeghorn] What do you two
bozos want?

Good news, sir.
We found Max Moolash.


Yeah, he's hiding out in a

Yeah he's pretending to be
a handyman or something.

We finally caught up with
that ungrateful little weasel.

When I think of how
I practically raised that kid

into a respectable life of crime
it just makes me...


Well how did you find him?

-Well, in all modesty sir...
-Never mind!

The point is:
we know where he's at.

Now all we gotta do
is get to him

to find out what he did with
those stones he lifted from us,

I mean me.

Now... How might we go
about this, I wonder?

Well if I might suggest a couple
of Uzis and a grenade launcher.

Nah, forget that.

That's too risky.

Besides, Moolash is one
tough nut to crack

which is something
I taught him myself, by the way.

Nah, nah, we need
a more subtle approach.

We need somebody with experience
in the art of persuasion.


who understands men.

Knows how to make them
play ball.

Now, I wonder, who do we have in
this organization

that fits that bill?

-Sir, I think it's obvious--
-If I might--

Stupid idiots!

I'm talking about Rowena here.

[Stuey] I knew that sir.

He's talking about Rowena there!


We send Rowena in a disguise.

And you two boneheads, you
watch her and the whole place.

And make sure Moolash
doesn't get wise

and try to split or something.

Now, you think you
can handle that?

No problem, Mr. C.

Good! Because if you
screw this up,

I'll run both of yous up a
flagpole by your macadamia nuts.

Now get the hell outta here!

-Thank you, sir.
-Right, come on, Beano.


where were we?

[baby talk]

[doorbell ringing]

-Good morning.
-Ah, good morning, sister.

And you are...?

I'm Sister Flavia,
the Mother Superior

and who might you be?


I might be Sister... Tiffany.

-Sister Tiffany?

Well what can I do
for you today?

Well I'm in this country on kind
of a foreign exchange program.

And, uh...

[Flavia] Where might
you be from?

Uh... Idaho! And, uh...

That's not a foreign country.

Of course it isn't.
How silly of me.

Uh, Canada.

-That's foreign, isn't it?

Well, I'm from Idaho, Canada.

A little out of the way convent
in the north woods.

And we are travelling
across America

going from convent to convent,

spending a week
or two at each one,

just helping out, getting to
know the Sisters, what have you.

It's kind of an international
goodwill mission for the Church.

I see.

Let's go inside and talk.

Bless you, sister!

[sneezes violently]


Conditioned reflex.

[intermittent beeping]

[Stuey] Well, she's in.

[radio crackles] Are you sure?

[Stuey] Sure I'm sure.

How do you know for a fact?

[Stuey] Beano, would you quit
asking me that?

Hey, I just wanted to make
sure, that's all.

Hey, as long as I'm here,
you can be sure.

[epic music]
-Like I told you,

I am the man that makes
the plan--

[distorted crackling
and whirring]

[electronic feedback]

What's that?

Oh. [laughs nervously]

Please excuse me, sister.
I had beans for breakfast.

[whirring continues]

[noise stops]

[lively music playing]

I've got it!

You call up the convent, right?

You ask to speak to Monica,

Then, when she comes
to the phone,

you try to talk her
into leaving.

-And that's it.

[scoffs] That is the stupidest
thing I ever heard!

Theo, he's right!

We might as well start out
with the obvious.

We'll put you in room 6.

I'll see to it that you'll have
clean linens.

Sister, what are you looking at?


Oh nothing.

I, I, I just had
this little twitch in my butt.

[Flavia] Uh-huh.

[laughs uncomfortably]

Well, let's get you settled in.


I mean, thanks be to God.

Tell me, sister,

what is this Saint Tiffany
the patron saint of?

Saint Tiffany?




Jewellery, that's...
that's precious.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Good morning, convent
of the Blessed Virgin.

I'm just going to go outside
and pray for a few minutes

if that's okay with you.

This is Sister Flavia, may I
help you?

[fake voice] Hello, this is
Walter Woolsey,

I'd like to speak to my daughter
Monica, please.

Mr. Woolsey, we talked about
this yesterday.

No one outside the convent
is allowed to speak

to the new postulants,

including the parents.

The girls must be
isolated from the world

for at least three months.

Well this is kind of an
emergency, you see.

Her grandmother slipped into
a coma this morning

and whoa!

You told me both of her
grandmothers are dead.

Did I say grandmother?
Whoa, what a bonehead!

I meant her aunt,
her aunt Philamina.

She has no aunt Philamina.

Well, we just call her aunt,
see, she's more of an, an uncle.

She had this operation

and everything hangs
differently now.

I know how difficult it is for
the parents

when the girls first
come to convent.

But you're just going to have to
trust that she's in good hands.

There will be a visiting day
within three months

you can see her then.

Three months huh?
Boy, that's long!

Mr. Woolsey, you sound different
today. Do you have a cold?

[coughs] Cold?

Yeah, a cold, flu, hemorrhoids,
jock itch, the works!

-I hope you feel better.
-Thank you, Sister.

God bless you.


[conspicuous music]

Hello, there.

Good morning Sister.

I like the way
you handle that rake.

-You do?

I can tell you're very skilled
with long, stiff objects.

I'm Sister Tiffany.

I'm Max, Max Moolash.
Pleased to meet you.

Oh! Yes, yes. No doubt about it.

These are the hands
of a strong and masterful

yet exquisitely sensitive man.

Been here long Max?

Oh no, just a few weeks. You?

About 10 minutes.

-You like it here, Max?
-Shit yeah!

Oh, I mean, sure do Ma'am.

Well, I can see why.

Here you are, a fine specimen
of raw manhood,

living amongst all
these sex starved women.

Well, I just want you to know,

that if you ever need anything,

and I do mean anything,

I'll be in room six.

After all, we newcomers have

stick together.



Oh, God. I love this place.

[rock music]

[Jerry] Later, boys.

Hey Jerry, isn't there some law
against impersonating a priest?


How does he get away with this?

We would never get away with

-No kidding.
-Babe alert, babe alert.

How does he do this?

Take notes.

[mischievous music]

[Jerry thinking] What
a waste!


[Max] Father, are you all right?





-Are you a gardener, father?

My passion.

And I've got to tell you,

this is the finest specimen
of Venus flytrap I've ever seen.

Those are birds
of paradise, father.


Where is everybody?

Most of the Sisters
are in vespers.

Is there anything
I can help you with?


There they are.

Guess I'll just go hobnob
with the penguins.

-Catch you later, uh...

Father Goose. E
pluribus unum.

Good morning Father. I'm Sister

I'm Father Goose.

That's Goose: it's Dutch.

It's a derivative of
the old English "Gooshy"

meaning "servant of God,"

or "eater of lizards,"
depending on the context.

I see. What brings you here

Actually I was sent here
by the Arch whooo...

uh, dia... decesiwith.


He sent me over to interview
your new group of pledges.

To see how they are doing.

Pledges? You mean postulants.

We're calling them pledges now.

It's a directive from

It's very unusual.

It's sort of an impulse thing.


That's very strange.

No one from the outside

has ever spoken with
the postulants before.

Well you know
what they say, Sister:

"If it weren't for change,
we'd all stay the same."

I think I better
double check this.

Tell you what, why don't you go
on over to the rectory

and meet the other priests
and I'll call the archdiocese.

[mischievous music]

Anything new?


Well, excuseme.

Maybe His Majesty would like
to get his own lunch.

All right, gimme, gimme.
Come on.

Maybe we ought to call

Beano, we don't have to call
Cleeghorn every five minutes.

He told us to keep him posted.

Well, to hell with Cleeghorn!

When I have myplan going,

and I got myoperation

Wewill have to answer
to no-one.

-Hey, what's this?

This on the sandwich.
You got horsey sauce on this.

-So, I told you no horsey sauce.

No horsey sauce don't mean yes
horsey sauce.

It does not mean
maybe horsey sauce.

No horsey sauce means
flat out no horsey sauce!

Have a cow, Stuey!

Why don't you just take the
horsey sauce off?

Oh right!

Like the horsey sauce taste
won't still be on there anyway.

Ah, gee, my knee!

-[walkie-talkie crackles]
-[Rowena] Stuey?

-I've got everything set here.

-Where is he?
-He's still in the yard.

Let me know as soon as he comes


He's just gone in.

Great! In and out.

That's "over and out," Rowena!

For you, maybe.




[sexy music]

Hi, sister.

I'm having this little...

problem here.

Do you think you could give me



That damn radiator acting up

You know, I fixed
that thing at least...

[weakly] Um...


Sister Tiffany!

Call me...


W-What are you doing?

I want you, Max.

I crave your body.

I knew the instant I saw you,

that you were the only
man for me.

But you're a nun

and I'm not even Catholic.

So what.

So you're married to God.

God doesn't have a hairy chest
like you do.

But if he's the jealous type..,

Oh, man!

Forget about it.

I'm quitting the order.

Are you sure?

I'm... positive.

[Max weakly] Oh!

Personally I see the mystical

as more of a pedagogic
theoretical construct

than a temporal actuality.

Of course, of course. But...

don't you believe that's it's
palpable enough for us

to participate
in its divine puissance

than on a quotidian level?

[Father Flynn] Well that's what
I would call into question.

After all, how can we
make it corporeal

within the context of the
relativist metaphysical climate

in which we live today?

[Father Gibson] I see your
point, father.

Tell me,

what do you think, father...


[Father Flynn] About
the mystical body.

[clears throat]

Gee, boys,

you've certainly bitten off a
big one there.

I mean, what do we mean by
mystical, or body,

for that matter?

And I do get your point about
divine puissance, I mean,

who knows when you get
enough of that.

It... but...

it's six of one
or half dozen of the other.

It's not whether you win or lose

but how you look doing it.

If we're talking mystical body

in the Godly sense,

I'd have to go
with Christy Brinkley.


Food for thought.

Oops! Time for your four o'clock
mass, Father.

Oh, I thought you were saying
that today.

Me? No, I have a meeting
at 4:15,

I thought you were scheduled.

No Father, I'm teaching today.

-[both] Hmm...
-[dramatic music]

[organ music]

Dominus, domino, domini.

[everyone] Amen!

[clears throat]

Anno domini,

and a double dominer!

[everyone] Thanks be to God.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to depart
from the usual ceremony today.

And I know
that's kind of irregular,

but even the good Lord is

to a little
irregularity now and then!

[laughs maniacally]

So what I'd like to do

is start out with a
little spiritual Simon says.

Everybody, stand up!


Simon didn't say.

Simon says everybody stand up.

Simon says put
your hands together.

Simon says

Lord have mercy!

[everyone] Lord have mercy!

Okay, kneel down.

You people? you're out.

You. You're out.

Gee, thanks, Tiff.

No biggie.

So, Max,

what do you think of me?

[laughs nervously]

I like you a lot.

I like you, too, Max.

And it's not just because you're
a stud muffin in the sack

or anything.

I mean because you're
an honest man.

And honesty really turns me on!

It does?

I've got an idea.

Let's play Truth.


We both tell some deep dark
secret about ourselves

that we've never told
anyone before.


Okay, I'll go first.

Once I snuck a bag
of nacho cheese tortilla chips

into the convent and hid them
from the other Sisters

so that I could have them
all to myself.

[sighs] Okay.

Now's your turn.

But remember,


Oh gee I don't think I could
think of anything right now.

Well of course you can.

I mean, everybody has a big

I mean like, maybe when you...

hid something from somebody?


Yeah, like something that didn't
belong to you.

Oh jeez, I just remembered

I forgot to sweep up
the front room.

Well, you didn't tell me your
secret, Max.

I can't think of one right now,
maybe later.


High-pitched fast voice
over the phone.

You're sure you've never heard
of any Father Goose?

[sighs] I see.

Thank you very much

[Jerry] Simon says,
do the twist!

[organ playing twist music]

Simon says, flog yourself
for sins!

Ay, ay, ay!

[all together] Ay, ay, ay!

Simon says, on your knees
and grovel before God.

Simon says...

[room goes quiet]


[everyone] Uh-oh.

[dramatic organ music]

Oh, Father Goose, can I talk
to you for a minute?

We'll have to make it fast.

Will you tell me something,

Is it okay for a priest
to kiss a nun?

Well, sure, as long as we don't
get into the habit!

How about a handyman? Can a
handyman kiss a nun?

What are you trying
to tell me, Max?

You see, father, oh...

I had carnal relations with one
of the Sisters

and I want to find out
if I'm going to hell.

Why, Max, you devil!

Oh! I knew it. Oh, God.

-Tell me all about this.
-I didn't mean to, Father.

It was her idea. She told me
she was quitting the order.

Father, if you saw the
Larry Csonkas on this chick--

She told you she was quitting
the order?

-Then you'll be fine!

-I am?
-It's right there in the Bible.

Cowboys 23, Line 15.

"He who baffeth a nun
who quitteth the order,

shall not go to helleth."

-You're fine.
-Thank you, father, thank you!

You don't know what a relief
this is,

'cause I really like her a lot,

and now she wants to talk
about all my deep dark secrets.

What deep dark secrets?

Oh, I don't know if I should
say, Father.

We're protected by
a priest-sinner privilege here.

Well the truth
of the matter is, father,

I'm not really a handyman.

No shit.

I used to hang around
with these jewel thieves,

but I'm clean now.

And they think I stole their
rocks even though I didn't.

-And now they're after me.

And this nun,
she's really big on honesty

and I'm afraid if I don't tell
her she won't like me anymore,

-But if I do tell her--
-Max, a word of advice:

As the famous philosopher
Little Richard once said,

"Tutti frutti, oh rootie.

Wop bop a loo bop a lop!"

I think there's something
in there for all of us.

-But should I tell her?

-Oh, thank you, father.
-Later, Max.


[lively music]

[walkie-talkie crackles]

[Rowena] But by this time

Well, boys,

let's just say I'll be all set

to bag Max's marbles.

In and out.

[Cleeghorn] Yeah, to the left.
To the left, ah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's great.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah! Oh, hiya.

Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Get this one. Oh, that's it.

I love it, that's good.

Oh, yeah. A little lower.
Oh, that's it.

Get this one,
get this one right there.

That's it, yeah, file that.

Excuse me, Mr. C.

What do you want?

Can't you see
I'm working out here?

Sorry, sir, but I thought
you might wanna know

that everything's taken care of.

Rowena's in the convent,

and she'll have more info for us
by tomorrow.

Fine, fine.

Now get back to work.
But remember,

if you bozos blow this,

and I gotta come down there
to bail you out,

I'll have your gonads
for golf balls!

-Thank you, sir.
-Get outta here!

That's it. A little lower.

That's it. Get this one.

Oh, yeah. That's it. Oh, yeah.

So what are you guys
doing tonight?

Well, I thought maybe--

No dates again, huh?

You got it.

Don't worry about it.

A little more practice, you'll
be a couple of happening dudes.

Like you, Jer?

[sarcastic] Yeah, like that
Father Goose thing.

There's a real happening idea.

You know, it's jut that attitude

that keeps you two clowns
in social Podunk Ville

while I'm tossing dice
on the Riviera.

Oh, yeah, why couldn't you get
in to see Monica?

Because that Father Goose thing
was just Phase 1.

Now comes Phase 2.

Yeah, next he's going in
as the Pope.

-No, it's better than that.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

[both] Uh-oh.

[doorbell ringing]


[door closes]

I don't think I've ever seen you
before, Sister.

[high-pitched voice] I'm Sister
Mary Voluptua

from over at St. Betty's,

and the girls sent me down here
to meet your new postulants

and present them
with this little gift.

Sort of as a welcome to
the wonderful world of nundom!


Autographed pictures of Jesus.

Immaculate inscription.


That's so sweet of you.

I'll make sure
that the postulants gets these.

Actually, I kind of need to
present it to them personally.

Oh, that's not possible.

Mother Superior would never,
never allow that.

Well there's a speech that goes
along with it.

-If I could just--
-No one is allowed

to touch the postulants
or see them.

It's just a rule.

Could you just ask her for me?


if you stay right here,

I'll go get Mother Superior.


-[bell tolls]

[suspenseful music]

[bell tolls]

Good morning, sister.

[muffled voices]

[woman giggling]

All right, Max.

[giggling and kissing continues]

[suspenseful music]

[Sherry] A woman?

-Just like my mom.
-He does...

-Hi Sister.


I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Oh yes.

Just a little boo-boo.

Can I get you some ice?

No thanks.
I take mine straight up.


Well, actually,

I'm Sister Mary Voluptua
from over at St. Betty's

and we just like to sort
of visit the new postulants

at the local convents and say
"Hi how are you, how's tricks?"


Oh how nice. I'm Catherine.


Well hi, hi, hi.

What's that?

Oh, this is
just a little present

from all of us to all of you.

-Oh, that's so sweet.

Thank you, Sister.

Can we open it?

Well sure.


Sister, I don't understand.

It's grace, silly.

[all] Oh.

Careful, it's escaping.



I don't want to interrupt
you girls.

Why don't you just go
right ahead

with what you were doing before.

Actually, we were just changing.


Go right ahead.

Oh, I'm sorry Sister,

it's just that you look
very familiar to me.


People say I look like
Ingrid Bergman

in the Bells of
St. Mary's.



How do you girls like
convent life so far?

Oh Sister, it's the best.

I've never been happier
since devoting my life to God.

You're kidding.

I mean, wow!

It's, like,
totally awesome! Wicked!

How about you two?


That doesn't sound
very enthusiastic.

Are you sure?

-Oh yeah.

Ah girls, don't be coy, now.

I am here to serve.

You can bare it all to me.

Sister, to be honest,

we've been struggling
with some doubts.


Tell me about them.


♪ When I was
just 13 or so ♪

♪ My mama told me

♪ Honey, if heaven's
Where you want to go ♪

♪ You best
become a nunny ♪

♪ I used to drive
a Pontiac ♪

♪ I used to go
out malling ♪

♪ I used to date
A guy named Yitzac ♪

[both] Yitzac?

♪ But then I had
a calling ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong

♪ Don't get me wrong

♪ The man upstairs
Is number one ♪

♪ And has been
all along ♪

♪ Convent life

♪ That convent life

♪ Can be a bitch

♪ To get accustomed to

♪ I imagine that
it would be ♪

♪ It seems to us

♪ It seems to them

♪ It seems to
us sometimes ♪

♪ It seems to them

♪ Like all we do is

♪ Like all they do is

♪ Pray and meditate

♪ Or meditate and pray

♪ Pray and meditate

♪ And meditate and pray

♪ Up at six,
down at ten ♪

♪ Then we're back
In church again ♪

♪ And try, try, try

♪ Try, try, try

♪ Oh yes, we try

♪ Oh we try

♪ Not to think
about men ♪

♪ Men

♪ Amen

[all sigh]

♪ But think Of what
you're getting here ♪

♪ The solitude
and quiet ♪

♪ Angels singing
in your ear ♪

♪ Don't knock it
Till you've tried it ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong

♪ Don't get me wrong

♪ The man upstairs
Is number one ♪

♪ And has been
all along ♪

♪ Oh

♪ I know exactly what you mean

♪ Pray and meditate

♪ Meditate and pray

-♪ Pray and meditate

♪ And meditate and pray

♪ If I might
just interject ♪

♪ It rubs me right
When you genuflect ♪

♪ Try, try, try

I know you can do better
than that.

♪ Try, try, try

Come on, girls, give it
that old convent try.

-♪ Try


♪ We try

♪ Not to think about

♪ Amen

[Monica] Hey!


Sister, I figured out who it is.

-You did?

You look just
like my uncle Dwight.

I mean, it's uncanny.

The same face,
the same expressions.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's rude, isn't it?

Oh, that's okay.

But now that I know more

from where all you girls
are coming from,

maybe I can counsel you

Starting with, say...
you, Monica.

Oh, okay. We could go next door.


Bye, girls.



So what did you think of that?


I knew you would.

Want to see what I can do
with this?

And you will.

But first you have to tell me
that big secret.

Big secret?

Come on, Maxey, fair is fair.

I mean, besides,
I just don't think

I can get turned on again
if you don't do something...


Well... Oh. I have to...

No, you don't!

There is no escape this time.

Come on.

I really gotta go
to the bathroom.

Scout's honor.

[clicks tongue] Okay.

-But make it fast.
-Three minutes.


I can't believe
you didn't recognize me.



What is the matter with you?

It's me.




Jerry Kaminsky?



Jerry. [sighs]

Monica, what are you...?

I crave your strong,
masculine hands

over my eager, nubile body.

This is hardly the time
or the place.

Oh, my God.

I'm irresistibly
attracted to you.

No you're not.
It's post hypnotic suggestion.

-Come here.

When I snap my fingers,

you will no longer be
irresistibly attracted

to Jerry Kaminsky.

Maybe a little bit.

I want to make mad,
passionate love with you.

[dramatic music]


[organ music]

Forgive me Lord
for I am a sinner.


No, I don't know where he is.

Monica, tell me
what's going on here.

You don't belong
in this convent.

Why did you come here?

To give lifelong service
to the Lord.

Come on Monica,
that's not you talk--

Oh, boy.

Somewhere in there
someone must have given her

another post hypnotic

Come here
you studly sex machine.

Listen Monica.

This is all a mistake,
I have to get you out of here.

-[Sister Flavia] Hello.

-Who is in there?
-[sighs] Shit.

Just a moment, Sister.

Listen, don't say anything,
not a word. Okay?



I thought I heard voices.

No Sister, that was just me.
I was speaking in tongues.

[sighs] Have you seen a nun
running around here

that calls herself
Sister Mary Voluptua?

Oh, um, well...

was she tall, dark eyebrows,

big hands, funny voice
and kind of ugly?

-That's her.
-No, Sister.

You check the front room.

I'll talk to the others.

Tiff, it's like this.

No, no.

Tiff, it's like this.


What's going on?

Nothing Sister. I was just...

Hey, wait a minute.

I've never seen you here before.
How do you know my name?

Well I had
this vision last night

and there were angels singing
and people dancing...

Oh to hell with it.
Look, it's me, all right?

Father Goose?

A switch hitting priest.

I'm not even a priest.

You're not a priest?

It's a long story Max.

Does this mean
I'm going to hell after all?

How should I know? Ask a priest.

Oh damn. I was just going
to tell her my secret.

Your nun friend,

cute little blonde
with great Winnebagos?

Yeah, why?

I think she's trying to pull
something over on you friend.

-You're telling me.
-No, I saw her talking

to this guy
on a walkie talkie yesterday.

She's getting ready
to bag your marbles.

You're lying. Tiff loves me.

She would never do
something like that to me.

Look, I'm just trying
to help you out.

What is the fastest way
out of here?

Probably running.

Get your big,
mega-hunk ass over here

and tell me
a big, whopper truth.


[suspenseful music]



I think I reinjured
my old war wound.

War wound?

My thyroid is flaring up again.

That's not where
your thyroid is!

That's where mine is.
They had to move it.


Wait a minute!

Gotta go, gotta go.


All right Your Holiness.

We'll make preparations
right away.


He wants to visit some parishes,
mingle with the common folk.

What on earth for?

Oh you know.
The people's Pope and all that.

So what do we do?

We visit some parishes.

So what's the story?
Have you given up

on Monica or what?

What happened to this grand plan
of yours?

Phase two
was a smashing success.

Now it's time for phase three.

[Theo] Which is?

All I have to do is go in there

and de-hypnotize her.

If you two banana heads
play your cards right,

I might do you a favor
in the bargain.

Oh really?

Two of Monica's friends
are having some serious doubts.

You guys come in there with me

and you'll turn those doubts
into dates.

[Zoomer laughs] Nuns?

[Theo] No way.

[Jerry] Fore!

[glass shatters]

Sorry officer.


Hey, Beano. Beano, wake up!

Hey! Check it out!
Check it out! Check it out!


Come on, let's go. Come on.

-[both grunt]

As it was in the beginning,
is now and ever shall be,

world without end. Amen.



Oh. Amen.

What were you thinking about?

Oh God, heaven, guardian angels,
the usual stuff.

Good for you, Sherry.

I'm setting this alarm
for a one hour nap. Okay?

It's not true.

I was thinking about Mel Gibson.
I lied about it.

Sherry, take it easy.
It's perfectly normal. Really.

I don't know.

Sherry, it is perfectly normal.

Why, just a while ago

I was thinking
of Menachem Golan.

You were?


So if you get
any lustful thoughts,

just say a bunch of Hail Marys
until it passes.

It works for me.

Okay. Thanks, Monica.

Hail Mary full of grace,
the Lord is with thee ....

I don't believe this Kaminsky.
This is utterly Looney Tunes.

Cool your jets Elmer Fudd.

Everything is going to be
just fine.

I don't know, I kind of like it.

Let's go.

[comical music]

Hiya Maxey.

Hi Mr. Cleeghorn.

Just up, Mr. Cleeghorn.

Get him!

[whispers] They're asleep.

[whispers] Great! This
is going to be a fun date.

[whispers] I got an idea.

We can wake them up


Monica Woolsey,

this is the Holy Ghost speaking.

I have a message for you.

You have made a big mistake.

I repeat, a big mistake.

[comical music continues]

When I snap my fingers,
you will wake up

and you will no longer have
any desire to be a nun.

Do you understand, Monica?


And you'll still crave
Jerry Kaminsky's body

but not until later
when I say so.


One, two, three...

Hi Jer,

what are you doing
in a funky outfit like that?

-And where the hell am I?

[whispers] Jerry,
what is going on here?

Take it easy, babe.

You just ran off
and joined a convent,

no big deal.

Oh, yeah.

Oh no...

Hello Sisters.

What's going on?


Shh! Shh!

Girls, relax,
they're perfectly harmless.

Thanks a lot.

So I hear you girls
are having a couple doubts.

I don't believe this.

If Sister Flavia walks
in the door we're dead.

So we can have a good time
until then, right?

We're not allowed to have fun.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Think about this.

Three guys dressed in habits
walk into our room

while we're sleeping
and try to pick us up.

It's too weird, right?

No kidding.

Okay, so that can mean
only one thing.

We're dreaming.

-[Catherine] Yeah.

And if we're dreaming,
we can do whatever we want

and who's gonna know?

Sounds good to me.

-Let's party.
-All right!

-Now what?

I'm calling Cleeghorn.

You stay here
and watch the place.

To the monastic life,
a hard habit to break.

-Here, here!

-I left the cheese in the car.

-Oh man.
-It'll take a minute. Hang on.

Hurry up, would you?


Get her a couple more drinks
before Jerry gets back.


I'm sorry Sister.

If anybody asks,

you did not see me.
Gotta run. See ya.

[suspenseful music]


[radio static]


Have you seen
our friend Max lately?

I told you I'm working on it.

[Beano] Oh really?

Then you must know
he tried to get away.


He tried to escape

but luckily we chased him
back into the convent.

But you must find him fast

or Cleeghorn is going
to roast our gooseberries.

I'm on it.

[Beano] Weren't you
going to sign off?

Yeah. Out and in.

Right. Over and out.

[suspenseful music]

Holy shitski.

[sinister laugh]

Alright, attention all morons.

Because of a certain pair
of incompetent horseheads

that managed to tip off Moolash
that we found him,

I am forced to invade this house
of religious order to get him.

Is there any questions?

If you raise a thumb
so help me I'll bite it off.

[rock music]

You guys
are not going to believe

what I found in the hallway.


-Do you know what this means?
-Oh my God!


They're fake, I mean,
why would diamonds

be hanging around
the hall of the convent?

Yeah, they're fake, you guys.

Come on, we could wake up
any minute here.

You're right.


Dope. If it's not
too complicated

for your brain to understand,

I want you to find
the phone lines and cut them.

Alright, you go
round everybody up.

I want to snoop around
a little bit.

[frustrated sigh]



[rock music]

You know...

This is awfully real
for a dream.

Oh, come on.
You're dancing the limbo

with three guys in habits.
How real could it be?


Whoa. I guess you're right.

Hold it! Max told me

he used to be involved
with jewel thieves.

-So maybe those diamonds

-were real.

-We've gotta get them back!

[Zoomer] Who's Max?

Oh! Lyle.

Well if ain't
Sister Mary Airhead.

Look, I've done everything
you told me to do.

You stupid little bimbo.

You screwed up
and I'm pissed off.

I am not a bimbo, Lyle.

Hey, I tell you what you are
and what you aren't.

Now you better find Moolash fast

or you're going to be
one dead bimbo.

Get! I said get!

-[Sister Gabriel screams]
-Get out here!

-Come out here into the hallway.
-What do you want?

Who are you? Don't you put
your crummy hands on me.

-You don't scare me.
-Get going here.

Max, what the hell

-is going on here?

You're a bad boy, my friend.

I thought you were out
of the hot rocks business.

I am, I just kept
this one little batch

because it's the only way
I could pay for my law school.

Plus my mama needs
this operation real bad.

-It's the truth!

What could be keeping him?

I hope he's all right.

Good heavens,
what's going on here

Catechism class.
Now get with them.

Look, I can't be jawing
with you right now.

They found me, they're here,
and they're gonna chop me up

-for bug food.
-Who is?

The guys I work for!

Now, if they get ahead
of these stones,

they're just gonna sell them
for drugs again.

Now go away. Please.


Hey, you nun. Hey.

You seen Max Moolash around?

Hey, you ain't no nun.

Yes I am.

Cut the bullshit. You're a guy!

Shows what you know.
We're coed now.

What kind of place is--

Hey, what have you got
behind your back?

-Let me see.

Let me see the other one.

[stutters] Let me see! Hey!

Let me see! Let me see!


Both of them! Ah!


[grunting] Hey!


Get back here,
whatever you are! Hey!

Alright you people.

What the hell's going on
in here?

Yeah, what the hell
is going on in here?

Oh my God!

[sobs] Oh God, I knew this
was going to happen.

Now we're going to be executed.

Zoomer, get a hold of yourself!

What do you got now,
homos in habits?

That's what I'd like to know.

You see, Sister, we were just...

Never mind.

The rest of you
get on over there with them.

Come on, come on.


who knows where Max Moolash is?

[dramatic music]

-[sinister laugh]


Jeez, that was a tough chick.


Get that guy,
he's got the stones!

-You idiot, go after him!




Come on.

I know
you're out here somewhere.



What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like?

Max, where are the diamonds?

I don't know, and even if I did,
I wouldn't tell you.

I was just doing my job.
Don't take it personally.

You're just using me!

I really liked you a lot,
and I thought you liked me.

I do like you, Maxey!

Come on, just tell me
where the diamonds are.

I told you, I don't know.

I gave them to some guy
in a nun suit.


[frustrated sigh]

Alright, let's go.

Come on, Maxey!

I don't want
to have to use this. Now go!

Go ahead and shoot me,

I don't have anything
to live for anyway.

[music continues]

Sir, obviously we don't know
where Max is.

You might as well let us go.

We stay here
until somebody talks.

Well, what do you want
him for, anyway?

He's our fourth for bridge.

None of your business!

We're wasting time.

And as for your three,
you have some explaining to do.

You know what? I don't like
this dream anymore.

Me either. It's too real.

Let's pinch ourselves
and wake up.


No, you don't want to do that.

-Why not?
-Because the best part

-is yet to come.
-Which part?

The, um...

The Spanish fly part.

-I told you people

to stop the yik-yaking.



I don't know
where Max Moolash is.

But I'm sure
if we put our heads together

we can come up with something.

[both laugh]

Kind of cute for a nun,
aren't you?

[both laugh]





-[both laugh]

Naughty, naughty, naughty.

You are
a very, very naughty boy.

You are very, very, very sleepy.

Your eyelids
are very, very, very heavy.

Sleep, sleep, sleep...

[sniffs] Nice try, sweet cakes.

Now get over there and shut up!

What are you looking at?

Come on, Maxey. Please!

I'm in deep enough doodoo
as it is.

If I don't take you to Lyle,
he's going to kill me.

Good. It'd serve you right.


I can't pretend any longer.

It's true.

I hate Lyle.

It's you I want, Maxey.
I adore you.

I didn't want it to happen,
but I couldn't help myself.


Let's run away, you and me.

We can leave town
and move to Alaska,

where Lyle could never find us.

You could go to law school.

And I could stay home
and bake gingersnaps.

You're making it up.

No, I swear, Maxey!
Oh come on, we gotta hurry.

You really mean it?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Well, how do I know for sure?

[romantic music]

-[sighs and laughs]

[dramatic music]



[Cleeghorn] Go that way!





Nothing's happening.

Maybe you're only dreaming
that you're dreaming.

Yeah, maybe you're not even
sleeping at all,

Maybe you're in a movie.

Girls, look,
you might as well know.

We're not dreaming,
this is all very real.

You mean... that's a real gun
that guy has?

And these guys
really snuck into our room?

And we danced with them?

[Sherry] Oh my God.

You scuzzball.

How dare you try to pick up
a nun!

-You should be ashamed!

-You pervert!



[crewman] Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can I help you
with something, buddy?





[repeated shouts]



Dude, I think
you're in the wrong movie.

[in English] What did you say?

Oh... you are right.

I'm sorry, you guys.

Oh, by the way, which way
to Burbank?

I think it's over this way.

You know, Bruce, we really,
really should do lunch sometime.

I will have my girl
call your girl.

-Seasons change, don't you ever.

-Later, dude.

You know something?

You look awfully familiar to me.

Will you sit down, please?

I know I've seen you
someplace before...

Stuart McRiff!


Sixth grade,
St. Jude Elementary.



[Sister Flavia]
You little devil!

I knew you'd come to no good!

-[Stuey] Now wait a minute--
-I ought to spank your hiney!

-[Stuey shouting]

Flavia] How dare you bring

-a gun in here!
-I'll be good!

[Sister Flavia] Wait till
your mother hears about this!


What is this place?

The Convent
of the Blessed Virgin.

Let's go in.

With all due respect,
Your Holiness,

we've already visited
four parishes today.

And it's getting rather late.

Come, come! It's never too late
for God's work.

[comical music]

-[Cleeghorn] Freeze!
-[bodyguard] No, you freeze!

Who the hell are you?

-Never mind, who are you?

That guy's a wanted jewel thief.

-Grab him, quick!

Wait a minute, he's no cop!

And you're no priest!

He's the thief!
Ask to see his badge.

-What the devil?
-Alright, nobody move.

You two guys with the guns...

Drop them! Or this guy gets it.

My good man, do you know
who that is?


Oh God.

No, but you're close.

Some rabbi. So what!

He's not a rabbi.
He's the Holy Father the Pope.

Get outta here!

If he's the Pope, how come
he's wearing a yarmulke?

That's not a yarmulke.

Oh yeah? Then what is it?

It's the papal beanie.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry, Your Lordship.
Popeship. Popeworship.

Quite alright.

One Adam. Rampart.

How does this thing work?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Let's be reasonable here.

Dance, suckers!

-That's showing them Sher!

Let's get out of here!


To think we were having doubts.

[Sherry] I'd forgotten
what scum men are.


I think we need to reexamine
our approach to women.

I'm out of here.


[romantic music]

Alright, here's the deal.

Walk up real
nice and smooth, like.

And give me those rocks!

Everybody else, don't move.

Let's go, chop chop.

Come on, come on!

Lyle, look who I found.

Rowena, can't you see
I'm tied up here?

But I thought
you wanted Moolash!

I don't care about Moolash.

The stones are here,
you stupid bimbo!

Lyle, I told you,
I'm not a bimbo!

Shut up, you bimbo!

No, you shut up!

What are you doing?

I've taken
your poppycock long enough.

I love Max
and we're going away together.

Ah, Tiff!

It's Rowena, honey.

Oh, Rowena!

What? Everybody's gone
cuckoo around here!

Drop your gun
and let go of that rabbi!

No way!

Did you get 'em, boss?

Whoops. Guess not.


Grab Rowena,
she's turning against us.

-Just do it!

Guess you'd better
drop it, honey.

Make my day.

Okay. Just drop the stones
on the ground.

-Move, move!
-[police sirens]

Hey! Hey!

Aw, come on!

[grunting] Give me my rocks!

Are you alright, sir?

Yes. Yes, I think so.

You're a very brave
young priest.

It was the least I could do
for my main holy man.


Horseheads and bimbos!

Oh God!

Here you go, Exhibit A.

[Cleeghorn yelling]

You men are very lucky.

Very lucky.
That's the Cleeghorn gang.

We've been after them
for months.

Well, you know,
we had a little help

from you-know-who.

I'll testify for you, Max.


You have a lot of nerve
coming back here

you phony baloney!

"Father Goose" indeed.

Oh, and I bet all the rest
of these imposters

are friends of yours, too!

Don't be angry, Sister.

He's actually a fine young man.

Who's this bozo?

Really, Sister!
This is the Holy Father.

Oh, well, isn't that nice.

Holy Father indeed!

Well, it isn't often
we get a visit

from the Pope these days.

Well, Pope this!

[Pope] Oh!

[Sister Flavia]
What do you think I am,

some kind of an idiot?

The only thing "holey" about you
is your underwear!

I'm sorry, Your Holiness.

I had no idea she was demented.

[Sister Flavia] Let go of me!
Let go of me!

-Are you alright?
-Yes, yes.

Well, my son, you saved my life.

I would like to do
something for you.

Oh, it's not necessary for you
to do anything for me.

Nonsense! One kind act
deserves another.

[stutters] I don't know
if there's anything

-you could do for me, I mean--
-Come now.

I know there's something
I could do

for an outstanding young priest
like yourself.


Maybe there's one thing.

[triumphant music]

[all laugh and cheer]



I'm gonna kill ya!
I'm gonna kill ya!

Ah... bimbo!

Hey, Max!





Jerry! Jerry!










[lively piano music]

["Why'd You Have to Go"
by the Checks]