Hot Millions (1968) - full transcript

Cockney con artist Marcus Pendleton (Sir Peter Ustinov), just out of prison, replaces an insurance company's computer programmer and sends claim checks to himself in various guises at addresses all over Europe. Meanwhile, he falls in love with inept secretary and frustrated flutist, Patty Terwilliger Smith (Dame Maggie Smith).


Three hundreds pounds,
why not 301.

Marcus, why are you
still here, it's 12:30!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sir, I'm just finishing
your income tax returns.

Oh, that's very kind.

But you know, we like our prisoners to leave
at the midday on a day of departure.

I did once think about putting an
mentions ad in each cell.

Oh, it's a very good idea.
It would liven up the old walls.

Very well, Sir, if I may.

Four hundred pounds rebate?
On my salary?

I could end up in jail!

Oh, no... these things
are open to interpretation.

I'm doing it to interpret the questions in
a manner, favorable to you.

You should be in politics,
not in prison.

Well, in a way I was, weren't I? When they caught
me embezzling in the Conservative Central Office.

I never understand.
Why you choose that of all places?

I'm a liberal!

Can I have that back.

I've got little extra this year, I forgot to
include, you know, wear and tear on shoes.

Things that seems unimportant
to us, but they all add up.

I think it's up 400,
I think it's 517 pounds,

9 shillings and top of...

two pennies, make it
difficult for them, c'mon.

I've taken liberty of signing it for you,
so if you'll just check the signature there.

Everything loaded? It's not the only
trade I learnt here, sir.

We do our best with
a slender budget.

Oh, I'll be grateful for it, sir.
Have I got everything?

My pen, glasses,
nail file? Yes.

Well, I'm only
25 minutes late.

I'll lead the way.
- Towards the exit.

You don't know how to exit, do you?
- Thank you.

Look out, Sir!

Well Marcus, I hope this is not au revoir.
- Oh, no.

Remember, the science is catching
up with the embezzlers.

You are caught by a computer,
not by the police.

It's ready to put embezzlers
irrevocably out of business.

Well, the way I see it, science
is closing in on all of us, isn't it?

You're sure these income tax returns
are bona fides? - Eh?

Bona fides?
- Bona fides, yes.

Well, they take in any inspector, but...

just how bona fides about
computing, I just don't know.

I think you better go back inside,
you'll catch a cold out here.

- Goodbye.








Careers in computers

Clerks typists secretaries

A programmer must be
analytical, imaginative, logical

A programmer must be capable of
concentration, reasoning, meticulous care

apply within

It's a very nice little flat.
It's even got a piano.

Oh, that would be handy.

The fact of the matter is, we can't
get it out of the room.

It's got a very nice kitchen.

It's so nice to have you back,
Mr. Pendleton.

This way, darling.
- Thank you.

Lord Chivas Austin to Bermuda today

Do it yourself

Complete wardrobe...
?2 a month...

Excuse me, Sir?

Excuse me, Sir?
Are you a member?

No, not here,
I'm not a member, no.

Do not go over the line of this
carpet, then. - Oh, really?

Lord Chivas Austin.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes, indeed, yes.

He desired to
meet me on this premises.

Well, okay then.
- I should think so.

Beg pardon, Sir Charles.

I was asked to hand you
at once, sir. - That's alright.

Oh, God!

Certainly, I'll have to leave this here,
and mediate another nation wide strike.

Anyway, it left the game down.

Are you referring to the strike?
- Oh, no.

That is a brilliant finesse, if you don't
mind me saying so, Sir Charles!

And one may only hope that your luck continues
for... the country's sake. - Yeah, indeed.

See you at Newmarket
on Saturday, Quentin. - Yes.

Would you care to make a fourth, Mister...

Pendleton... Smythe.
- Mr. Pendleton Smythe.

- Colonel?

Lieutenant colonel, yes.

I'm just here to meet
Lord Chivas Austin.

Meet Twinkle, do you?

No, Lord Chivas Austin.


Accordingly to something
in Morning Paper about Austin,

he leaving to Bermuda today?

I don't think you'd like to do that,
sir, he's got a date...

an appointment with me here...

on... on the fifth.

Sir, today is
the sixth, didn't it?

Oh no, it must be
the fifth, surely, isn't it?

I beg your pardon?

Oh. Let me see...

aunt Freda's birthday
was on Sunday...

This's your
first time on this club?

This club?
Yes, oddly...

I'm just... down from the north.

- Business.

Poor thing!

One diamond!

One spide.

Yes, I'm just in looking at
for a good computer man.

Computer man?


Brain drain.

- Depend. As if he left.



Ah yes, remember
I readed about that.

Just for an English company?
- A... American.


Yes! Oh, well done.
It's right on a time.


Two hundred and 19 million.

Is that a bid?

No, it's the assets of Ta-Can-Co Corporation.

Two hundred
and 19 million, ha?

Should be possible
to raise a loan on that!

Oh, alright, my lad.

If this keeps up, I should violate...

a lifetime principle and
play bridge with women.

Six spide.

What about Caesar Smith?

Oh? Is he a good man?

Yes, but young.

Sixties, anyway.

Church of England...

- Has the advantage.

Expert on the butterflies.


Life must be a great convenience to you,
you have been a member long?

No, well yes...
I'm an out of town member, of course.

If you care to join, I'll certainly propose
you, I might even circle you.

How kind of you, I don' think so.

After that very excellent lunch
you must think it's silly of me,

but I still don't quite understand,
what your proposition is?

No, I don't think that's silly, do
make yourself very comfortable.

All that is a whole idea, and I...

take a liberty of filling up your...
glass with Porto.

My proposition, well...

You must know that the computer
world is in a bit of a tangle.

Two of our best young men
go down brain drains.

Sedgwick, I don't even have
to talk about. Defected.

Father Duke...
you know.

So that when my lot Ta-Can-Co came up with
an idea of having a computer chief new man...

your name came up...
you know, like that.

Are you offer me a job?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, I was afraid of that,
please don't.

What you got be afraid of,
with credentials like these,

They make lovely reading
really. I mean they're marvellous.

You don't understand,
I might be tempted to accept.

You see, when I left
Transcontinental Insurance...

You left
Transcontinental Insurance?

Oh? - Yes, I don't have just
enough courage to straight up...

to do the one thing I always
wanna do all my life.

To go to South America, and write
the definite work of Amazonian...

- How on Earth did you build that?

Oh, well, it wasn't too
hard to get, you know,

after lunch, I was try on to
talk about computer, know,

you were everything get back, we get to the moths
again, back to the computers, back to the...

Moths are my passion
since my wife died.

Do you get
very silly of me?

No, I do not. I happen to be a bachelor,
but I do have my passion too,

not moths, I'm not a moth-man,
or ever try to be a Moth-man, but I...

appreciate Moth men.

Now, I... my passion is...
- Music!

Oh, that is uncanny.
How did you guess that?

When we weren't talking moths,
we were talking music.

Oh, yes, I sometimes dream
of molding a great orchestra

in some immortal work by the masters.

Beethoven, Bizet, Gounod, Faust,
one of the great men.

But, course, it's a dream.

I can't afford an orchestra,
even the batons

become prohibited for
the new tax slapped on it.

I'll buy you a baton.

Oh no, I couldn't allow that. I'm sorry. Very
nice, generously, I couldn't allow that, no.

But don't you understand, we are
two of a kind we encourage each other.

I'll give you a baton,
you'll give me a butterfly net.

You mean that you'd go to South America
if I gave you a net and all the...

It's a deal.

Oh, what a way to die.
I thought the police had arrived.

So you're a traffic warden now.
That's a ghast steady job.

Yeah, I got fired today.
- Mademoiselle.

Whatever for?

I haven't got a heart
to give anyone a ticket.

It's wicked trying
to park out west.

I left them triple park right
along the stairs, you see.


You have a very impressive
background, Mr. Smith.

Marvelous references.

I like to think so, sir.

It took quite a lot of time
and ingenuity to lay my hands on them.


One of the 3 great H's in my book:
humor, humility, and honesty.

Mr. Smith, we are looking for
an outstanding computer program designer.

This man has to have great vision,
has to have class, be outspoken.

He has to envision this corporation
owning large chunks of the world.

Of the business world?
- The entire world, Mr. Smith.

Sound crazy?
- No, no.

After all, no greatness is possible
without a little intelligent madness, is it?

Ah, you put that beautifully.
Let me write that down.

No, give credit where credit is due, sir.
I believe it was Hitler who said that, sir.

Well, just goes to show you,
there's nothing new under the sun.

Nothing changes but
man's capability for change.

Oh, that's lovely, too. Who said that?
- It was Napoleon.

Oh, is that who that is?
I thought that he... you know.

Yes, sirree, when the time comes,
I might even put in a bid for old England.

Hadn't you better
wait till it's solvent?

Oh, now I said, "when the time comes,"
didn't I? - Yes.

- You did.


Carlton, the M-505...
Oh, I'm sorry.

No, come in.
I'm glad you came, Willard.

I want you to
meet Caesar Smith.

No middle initial?
- No, never have had.

It's one of those things
you learn to live without.

Well, this is Willard C. Gnatpole,

vice president in charge
of our data processing system.

I was interviewing Mr. Smith
in connection with our program design.

Oh, I thought... we were bringing
someone from the states for that.

Oh yeah, we did
talk about that, I know,

and we did mention that we
might compromise with a Canadian.

That I know, too.

And... I don't know.
I just have a hunch.

It's an instinct
that tells me that...

Mr. Smith could be
the right man for the job.

Fine, fine.

What is it you wanted
to say to me, Willard?

Oh... I don't mean
to be an alarmist.

I ran these same series of figures
4 times through the new computer

and got 4 different results.

So I checked it against the
conventional computer and got 4

totally varianted printouts.

Well, then just go to
maintenance right away.

Yes. they're on the way.
- I...

I know it's none of my business,
but is that the M-505? - Yes. - Yes.

Did you remember to suppress the nominal
factors when you fed those figures in?

It's not required.

Hmm, no, I know it's not required,
but... it is advisable.

I doubt it.

Try it, Willard.
Try it.

Remember, it's a 2-5-9-14
progression, won't you, sir?

It's there that the M-505
really keeps mere

mortals like us on our
toes, as it were, yes.

He's right.
- Thank you.

- Maintenance are here, sir.

It's my fault, we called
them in error, miss.

Oh. No harm done.

Willard... take a look at these.

They're Mr. Smith's credentials.

Yes, yes, I will.
One... I get time.

Mr. Smith,

I don't agonize over decisions.

Now, I am ready to recommend you
to our next executive board meeting.

Well, I am very grateful,
I'm sure, sir,

but there is one question
I feel I must ask you. - Aha?

There is?

Will I get cooperation
from Mr. Gnatpole?

Mr. Smith!

Gnatpole is one of
5 vice presidents.

There's only one executive vice president,
and that's Carlton Klemper.

- Me.

Oh, yes. Klemper, yes.

Come along. Let's meet
the real brains of this outfit.


There she is.
- Oh, ho.

Now... this units...

contains the key accounts
to all our companies.

I unlock this switch every morning
first thing when I arrive,

and I lock it every night when I leave.

That's a novel feature there, isn't it, sir?
What is that blue light there?

That's our special protective device.

As long as that blue light is on,
the computer is safe.

Against what?
- Embezzlers.

Oh, now, sir, you're joking,
aren't you, sir? - No, no. no, no.

Really? Embezzlers?

You mean to say that of all this,
there is no mechanical way

to bypass that blue light?
- Nope.

Mr. Klemper, for the sake of argument, if...
not me, someone else, wished to switch it off?

It knows how to protect itself.

It's a smart light.

Now, right here, this panel...
there are 3 rows of red.

The electronic timing device is right
here for the individual patterns. - Yes.

Here's the electronic clock,
the red alarm system,

and the central processing.

We are proud of the fact that it can
read War and Peace in 20 minutes.

Right in the middle there...
- In the middle... - Right there.

All you need is the right code.


night operation

day operation

Welcome, Caesar Smith.

Morning, Gnatpole.

Good morning, sir.
- That it is.

Come in.

Hello! - Ha.
- It is, isn't it?

Mr. Pendleton.
- In a way, yes.

Isn't it hot in here?
- Is it?

Oh, can you open the window?
- No. This window won't open.

Oh, why? Is it stuck? - It's a new kind...
you know, not supposed to open.

What's the point in having
it if you can't open it?

It lets the light in, lets the darkness out.
You can see the daylight from here.

Here, what's that funny smell?
- Smell? - It's like burning rubber.

That smell you get when you've got
the air conditioner turn out to fresh air.

Oh! - O, that may be
the smell of fresh air by now.

I can't remember.
- I don't think I'm going to like it here.


Well, and where Mr. Smith sit, then,
when he's here? - Here.

Where do you sit, then?
- When Mr. Smith's here?

- Here.

You both sit in the same chair?
It's a funny office. You're having me on.

Well, I'll let you into a secret. I use my
mother's name here... Smith, you see.

My parents were separated for a long time.
It's a rather sordid story.

I had custody of my old man...

towards the end, and...
as we were waiting.

So, you're Mr. Caesar Smith, then?

That's right.
- Well, I never.

I... never want to be
indiscrete, Miss... - Patty.

Patty. Miss Patty.

No. Miss Patty Terwilliger. Sorry.

Oh, yes.

Without to be
indiscrete miss, thing,

what are you doing here?

I'm your new secretary.
- Go on.

I suppose you want
to know where you sit now.

Oh, over there!

Yes, that would be fine.

What do you want me to do?

Well, I want you to look as though you're
doing something. - Oh.

That's half the battle, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Aah! Oh.

I don't think I'm
going to like it here.

What are you going to do?

Me? I'm going to imitate you.

When's the coffee break?


You ever work with this
particular model, Smith?

No, I have not, I was just
thinking, I was sitting over there,

it's like a nursery for
grown men, isn't it?

Each one with his own little toy, and like kids,
we're all jealous of the other man's toys.

She's a beauty, isn't she?

What are you...
I mean... I suppose...?

Oh, I'm just asking it for procedures.

Procedures? Yes, of course. That's what you
would use it... a sophisticated machine...

like this.. for, procedures.

You know,
however modern they get,

they were made by human beings,
weren't they?

Each one's different from the other, and they've
all got their little bit of human being in them.

Well, of course, some people say
they're better than human beings.

That might be true because I don't think
they get as much fun out of life as we do.

That's a very interesting answer.

I should imagine from that answer,
any moderately intelligent man

might be able to
find out the question.

Yes... I...

I would think he could...
if he knew the code.

In that?
- Mm-hmm.

You are... going to be
around here for a while, Smith?

Oh, yes, I haven't finished working here,
not by a long chalk, Gnatpole. Huh. Here.

Oh, come on!
Illegal procedure!

That's better.

You're on his side,
aren't you?



Gallant, if nothing else.

- Morning, Miss McLaren.

Morning, Sir.

Morning, Miss Perkins.

What you doing here?

This is my office, remember?

Well, what did you come in early for?

How can I be efficient
you keep coming in early?

Why'd you take your dress off?

Well, look at this filthy, rotten ribbon!
I don't want to get it dirty, do i?

Now, now.

Oh! - Anything we can do
for you, Mr. Klemper?

Oh, yes...

Would you get up the correct assets
for the following companies, please?

Oh, certainly, sir, yes.
Miss Terwilliger. - Oh!

Got a pencil?

Not two pencils,
a pad you'll need with that.

Sussex Knitware Limited.

Royal petroleum Limited.

Wigan Meat Packing Limited.

Northern Fibreglass.

What it is he spoke?

N.F. I'll know it.
- "N"? - N.F.

After E, the F, before G.

Queen's Distilleries.

Q. U...
- Q. D.

Q, the letter Q,
not CUE. Q. D.

Bristol Kitchenware.
- What kitchenware?


Give her these.
- Oh, yes, sir. thank you.

Why don't you say something?

Say what?

You ashamed of me, ain't you?

Give us a hand with this zip.

I sometimes wonder
why you don't fire me.

Oh, I couldn't fire you, Patty.

You'd starve to death.

Oh, leave it.
- I've got it now.

Oh, ta.

That's good, isn't it?

What's he want?


What are they?

Young female donkeys.
Ha, ha...

Oh, Patty.

Do you want me?

Yes. I'd like you to take a letter for me.
My secretary left.

Well, everybody's left.

Well, I know it's rather late,
but this is kind of important.

Oh, well, all right. They work
the shirt off your back here, don't they?

Yes, I heard about that.

You got a pad?
- Yes, right here. - Oh.


Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's hot in here, isn't it?
Can I take my coat off?

Yes. Any... anything.

Thank you.

Uh, Queen's Distillery, 450
Mercer Avenue, London... - Yeah, wait.

Just a sec. Queen's...

Am I going too fast?

Well, just a bit, yeah.
Mr. Smith goes slowly for me, you see.

You... like working for Mr. Smith?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's nice.

I like tubby men.
- Fat. He's fat.

Yeah, well.. hi is well-covered.

Well, that's a nicer way
of putting it, I suppose.

Queen's Distillery...

What's that?

May I say, I think
you're very attractive.

Oh, ta.


When you're finished,
I'll give you a ride home.

Oh, you got
a car, then?

Here. What are we
doing in the park?

O... the park?

Um, I thought... we'd take
the scenic route.

Do what?
- Route.

Thanks, Mr. Gnatpole.
You're very kind.



00:35:56,657 --> 00:35:58,951
7, 5, 5...

2, 2, 3, 5...


Turn it to the right, nine times.

Don't you dare.

Stay there.

Turn right, then over.

This might hurt
a little, old girl,

but worth it
in the long run.

Oh, Smith, Smith, Smith.

Caesar Smith, what on
God's Earth came over you?

290 million dollars.

Are you crazy?
- Well, I... - Aiming that high?

Well, I wanted to protect them, you know.
I mean, I think they're vulnerable there.

Vulnerable? - Yes, there's only a come-and-gone
little electric light bulb between them...

And You!

As a matter of fact, Carlton, I've been watching
Smith rather closely the last few days.

He's been behaving very suspiciously.

You've been watching me, Mr. Gnatpole?
I really don't see reason for that.

You know, I laid out in a couple of
letters to you and Mr. Klemper here

precisely what my intentions were.
- Where are the letters?

Oh, you haven't even opened yours.
They still are... there.

I never got a letter.

Didn't you?
Oh. well, I wonder who could have taken it.

He's right.

Yeah, he definitely announces his
intention of testing and...

Right here. Look.

Testing of the defences
of the machine.

Now, where's your letter, Willard?

There never was a letter on my desk.
- Oh.

Smith? - I put it there myself, sir.
- When?

When I went into your room in order
to borrow the M-505 manual.

You borrow what?

Where was I?
- Ha!

That's what I'd very
much like to know.

You had no right to take that manual,
Smith. - Mr. Klemper! - Yes?

Where the manual suppose to be?
I'm sorry about this, in the safe?

Or is it supposed to be
lying down anywhere, eh?

Will an embezzler abide the rules
you lay down for us? Eh?

You should have drawn my
attention, or at least Mr. Gnatpole's

attention to the fact that that
manual was lying about!

I did.


In the letter which has
now mysteriously vanished.

No, no. You won't find
it in your copy, Sir.

I thought at the time that this could still
be a matter between Mr. Gnatpole and myself.

Well, I would appreciate it...
gave me that manual, Smith.

Certainly, Sir.
- I'd breathe a lot easier.

I think we all will.
Won't we?

Mon dieu. Any embezzler worth his salt
would have had plenty of time by now

to have that manual photostated...
every page, hundreds of them.

You know, Mr. Klemper, Sir,

a criminal is lost
without information,

and it matters little
to his twisted mind

whence that information comes.

Good night, Jameson.

Let me tell you, I'm very pleased that
it all worked out the way it did.

Good night, Klemper.
- Good night, Caesar.

Ha ha.

Good night.

Here's your tea.
- Cold as usual, I suppose.

It's a long way up here, and my
legs are no younger than yours.

What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Mrs. Lubbock,

top's open, isn't it? - Yes. - You're not
going to deny that, are you? - No.

Blue light's off.
- Yeah.

All right, start from the beginning, then.

Well, I found that when
I bang me bucket there...

- There.

Where the vent is? - Here.
Which bucket? - That bucket.

That one? - Yeah.
- Actual one? - Yeah, that one.

What happened?
- Well, the top flew open.

You are straining my credulity, my dear.
- Your what?

Never mind. Why should you want the top open?
- Because it's hot.

I warm me tea up there.

Warm it? - Yeah. It's lovely.
Do you want a cup?

Um... 2 lumps, no milk.
- Ta.

Throwing flowers.


That's right.

Think of the travel posters.

Morning, Smith.

Morning, Gnatpole.

Good morning, Sir.
- That it is.

I don't have to tell you, do I, dear?
- Sherry trifle.

Ooh, what a memory, huh?

You don't allow a girl to
forget, Mr. Klemper.

Oh, oh, oh! Now,
how about that, huh?

How's Mrs. Klemper?
- Oh, just fine, thanks.

She's a wonderful person.
- You must be very happy.

I like to think so, Smith.

We have 6 lovely children. - Six?

Three by my previous marriage
and three by hers. - Go on.

Yeah. I love them all,
hers and mine. - Yes.


I'll bet you're wondering why I asked you out to lunch
instead of lunching with Gnatpole, the way I usually do.

Oh, I assume that Mr. Gnatpole
had a previous engagement.

Correct, and I arranged it that way.

Oh, I hope not because
of anything I did.

No, at all. What you've done for this
corporation has been wonderful. - Oh, no.

I appreciate it, and...

take my word for it, you'll be rewarded.

Yes, you will. It's not that at all. It's
the president of the corporation in New York.

He's at that age... a senior citizen.
A little more senior than citizen.

In fact, he's been seen playing
golf without a ball lately.

Oh, dear. How do you score that?

He's the president of the firm.
You score so he wins.

Oh, I like that. Lovely, yes.
- Ha, ha, ha!

There's going to be a new
president soon, though...

well, there's someone...
I would very much like to see in that post.

Yes, I'd like to see
you in that post, too.

Well, I didn't intend for you
to understand so quickly.

I squirted that synthetic
cream with my own fair hand.

Well, I couldn't have asked
for a better hand, could I?

Oh, you haven't answered
my question yet.

Which one?

You know, the apartment...
one door, two keys.

I'll give you my answer tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I'll be
up in Bristol tomorrow,

so I won't be here to hear her answer.

I could go up in your place.

Oh, no, no, no.
I've already told the people I'm going.


I told... Mr. Gnatpole and Mrs. Klemper.

Well, we could both go up together, but only
one seat in the train need be occupied.

You'd do that for me?
- I'd do anything for the corporation.

Bristol Kitchenware.

What about it?

They turned in a very
disappointing first-quarter statement.

I'm not a bit surprised.

Who on Earth thought
of investing money in that?

Well, as I say, it must
have been a good idea.

Smith, how long will it take you
to get them in the profit column?

Saving your presence,
most of a lifetime.

This is top priority.
- Is it? - Mm-hmm.

While you are in New York with the
golf ball... oh, yes, yes.

Louise, check.

Smith, we understand each other, huh?

I like to think so.

Does Mr. Smith come
in often at night?

He seems to come back
here practically every night.

Could I see the night sign-in book?
- Yes, Sir.

That Mr. Smith is
certainly a hard worker.

He... may work
a little too hard.

He hasn't come in today.

No, he's in Bristol.

Monsieur C?sar!

La Boheme, isn't it?
- Oh, yes.

Eh, voila.
- Aha! Oh, yes.

La Boheme.

La Puccini.
La Boheme.


Oh! Ha, ha!

Les femmes fatales.

- Les femmes fatales.

Ah, les femmes fatales.

Le joli filles.

That's international,
isn't it? Oh, yes.


C'est vrais qu'il n'est pas
le plus moderne edifice de Paris.

Yeah. Oui. Yeah. Oui.

That would certainly seem reasonable.

It will be good.
- Oh.

C'est bon le arrondissement.
- Aha.

Vous voulez le
prendre pour un annee?

Oh, I know what you, ha ha!

Annie. That's her name, is it?

Yes. Yes.
- Bravo.

Bravo. - Entente cordial?
- Oui, oui, oui, s'il vous plait.

Yes, what I'd hoped to make you understand
is that I'd like it for about a year.

I shall want to tidy up a little because
the cobwebs, I don't really care for them.

Uh, tomorrow we can
send for the dictionary.


The train for Bristol will
depart from platform 8,

calling at Reading, Bath Spa,
and Bristol Temple Meads.

Oh. Mr. Pritchard, is it?
- Mr. Smith?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

Look, I've only got 10 minutes. Perhaps we
can chat when I get back to my office.

I'd rather not do that, if you
don't mind. - No?

What is wrong with Bristol Kitchenware,
Mr. Pritchard?

Please speak freely.

Management concepts.
- M.C. I thought so.

50 Years behind the times.

Do you know, we produce an eggbeater that
would look old hat to Queen Victoria?

We employ 15 men
out of a labor force

of 400 stenciling
on the trademark.

I don't believe it.

How would you like to be
the first chairman of...

of Bristol Ta-Can-Co?

That sounds very interesting.
- Should do.

Um, what would I have to do?

Hand in a confidential report... to me,
of your management concepts.

I don't care what's in there, so long
as it's confidential. Make it look good.

Whether it's true or not, well,
I leave that to you, Pritchard.

But remember this, with Ta-can-co
involved, well, they're powerful enough

to make it true,
whatever it is.

Come and have a beer.
Oh, no, no, no.

Have whatever you like.


Pay 90.000 ? to the order of



The bank will
need 2 references.

Well, uh, let's see.
Mr. Caesar Smith...

Caesar, as in Caesar.

That's right.
You can get the address off here.


And the other one who is...
Mr. Rossini.

Just the way it's...



Coliseo... C-O-L-I-S-E-O...
Yes, like that.

In Paris?

No, no.
In the other place.


I want to... rent...

- Affitto... barbero.


Oh, what's the other word?

Nolo. Nolo.
- Nolo?

I would like to nolo or affitto...
- Ah, nolo.


Here, with... I'll pay
any amount of liras.

Anything, you know with...
offices and toilets.

* Oh, nolo mio

* affitto mio


Pay 42.000 ? to the order of

Uh, Patty?

I'll give you a ride home
when you're ready.

Well, that's ever so kind of you...

well, really, I've got so much work to do,
I shall be here for hours.

Oh, that's all right. I'm not going
immediately. I'll be in my office.

You let me know whenever you finish
whatever it is you have to finish.

Oh. Ha, ha, ha.
Thank you.

What? No, no.
I don't want anything now.


What are you doing there?

I'm... just on my way home.
- Well, I hope you make it.

Are you leaving now?
We both go the same way, remember?

I can't now, I'm afraid,

now I'm going to...
this is very important, you know...

I wonder, would you like to come and
have something to eat with me tonight?

In your room?

I made this...

A curry... thing.
- Tonight?

Can't you do it?
- Oh, yeah, I can do it any night, you know.

I think it would be highly
delightful... a little curry.

Gives it a little oriental...
- Oh, good. Well, I'll nip off home, then.

I'll get a bus tonight, Mr. Gnatpole,
if it's all the same to you.

It gets me
straight there, see?

Any particular time?
- What for?

Oh, no, no.
I'm easy.

Did you want
anything, Gnatpole?

Of course I did.

I'm sorry
I can't supply it.

- Curry.


Yeah. You were
expecting me, weren't you?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course,
Mr. Smith. Yes. Come in.

Very nice.
- Ha, ha, ha.

Certainly looks as if someone,
you know, lives here.

I suppose you can see my
window from yours, if you look.

Well, no.
Only from the kitchen.

Be careful to keep my
curtains drawn, wouldn't I?

I'm sure you've got nothing
to hide, Mr. Smith. - Myself.

- Ha, ha!

There are enough barriers
without adding to them.

It's all right. Thanks.
- I don't follow that.

Well, you know... loneliness...
- Oh!

Don't you ever get lonely?
- Oh, I don't know. No, not really.

I've been inside...
uh, out, all over.

If I do get lonely, I think I'd probably,
you know, keep to myself.

Yeah, well, that's the
trouble with most people.

That's what they all do,
keep it to themselves.

Well, I've got beyond that.

I'm so lonely I could
scream it from the rooftops.

- Go on.


Mr. Smith...

Are you afraid of women?

No. Why should I be?

Women? No.

Oh, mark you, I haven't
known very many in my life,

apart from mother.

You were fond of
your mother, is that it?

No, no. I hated her.

Very hateful.
She couldn't cook, you see, and...

all through my youth, I remember having
to eat the muck she dished up

and pretend to like it, she was very
sensitive, but a quite to be... a bad cook.

You weren't expecting me
at all, were you?

Well, no.
No, I wasn't.

I'm ever so glad you came, though.

I was avoiding Mr. Gnatpole.
- Oh.

Then better I'm gonna... just...

Uh, must you?


You're right.
It is hopeless.

What's hopeless?
Come on.

Oh, I'll tell you what. I'll leave you that.
Just, you know, champagne.

- Oh.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Oh, stay and share it.

No. You may
not want me to.

Well, would I ask you to
if I didn't want you to?

No, no.
That's a point, of course.

It's just I'm sorry
about the curry.

Oh no, my dear, I always dreading that.

You know, I hate curry.
- Do you? - Yeah.

Yeah, I hate it, too.
It's vile, isn't it?

Vile. It is vile. Yes, it is.

I've got a couple of
bangers if you'd like them.

Well, no, no.
I don't want to impose.

Oh, well, shut up.
Light the candles.

They're on the mantelpiece.

I'll go and
warm them up.

Here, I haven't got a fridge.

I have to put it under the cold tap.
Is that all right?

Oh, it's quite cold out, you know?
Just place to window and put it on there.

Oh, you haven't got a fridge,
but you have got a piano.

That's one of the old E-Type Hopkinsons, I
think, with the oscillating dampers, you know.

They really were built, weren't they?
Look at the workmanship, oh.

Taj Mahal.

Oh, mother.

Ooh! God, that takes
me back, anyway.

Good afternoon.
- Shut up.

Oh! Hey!

You... Miss Thingummy.
- What?

I'm not late...
- Late on Tuesday.

Late on Wednesday.
- I wasn't late on Tuesday... thanks.

Late on Thursday.

I wasn't late on Thur...
what is all this?

You're fired.

And who are you, anyway?

I'm the personnel director,
and the computer never lies.

Rotten old cow.

Oh, I could bash
that computer's head in.

Fourpenny, please.

Thank you.

Can you manage?
- Yes, thanks. - There you are.

Isn't he lovely?
- Oh, thanks ever so much.

Cheerio, love.
- Goodbye.

Here, wait!
Wait for me!


Madam, madam, could I see
your stub a moment?

You shoul'd be in row C.
You're in the wrong row.

You're in row C, dear.
Same seat, row C.

Can I see yours?
Yes, in row L. Row L.

Same seat, could you two people
move over just two seats...

but leave room for you three.
Thank you very much.

Row C. Row C.

Row... just...
you're row L.

Down this aisle. There's
some nice seats down there.

All right. Got a ticket?
- Oh?!

Well, what else is there?
There's airline hostess.

Bank teller?
- No. - No?

Sports Mistress...
- Oh, Caesar, shut up!

I'd rather play my
flute to theater queues.

Why don't you
take it up professionally?

You know as well as I do
I can't keep time.

You can't keep my time, it doesn't
mean to say you can't keep time, eh?

I wish you'd allow me to put a little
something in the bank for you,

you know, just to tide you over
until you find a suitable post.

No. No, I couldn't do that.

I couldn't take
money from a man.

Oh, no. You're all alike.
Just like mother.

Only think of yourselves.

You don't think of the difference it'd make
to me to know I'm supporting a woman.

I could, you know,
go about with my head high.

No, I just couldn't do it.
I've got my pride.

Yes. No wonder you're lonely.

Nothing to share your
life but your pride.

Shut up.

I will. Well, I didn't mean
anything. You know it.

I don't want you to starve.

We both got our pride, don't we?
That's the trouble.

I'm not the only one, eh?

No, you're not. No.

It'd be more economical, wouldn't it,
if we could share our pride.

You know, kind of
one pride between two.

Yeah, well, now,
you can't do that.

Oh, there must be a way.

I was reading
my horoscope today.

It said, "Do not hide your feelings
or be sparing your emotions. "

Read yours and all.

Oh, I don't believe
in them things,

not unless they say
what I want them to say.

What did mine say?

It said you were under
the influence of Venus.

That's not what it said in my paper.
It said, "do not entertain new ideas...

and be content with what you have. "

Oh, well, that's the
same thing, isn't it?

Is it?
- Yeah. Of course.

Venus. Huh.

I wonder what
it all means, eh?

Why don't you marry me?

You popping the question?

Well, it's got to be popped, doesn't it?

Yeah. Put it that way, yes.
I suppose.

Got a deck of cards?

Yeah, they're in that draw...

Here, you're not going
to start playing cards.

I just asked if you'd marry me.

I know, but if you shuffle them and
then cut them at the queen of hearts,

I'll marry you.
- Oh.

Yeah, all right.
Yeah, let's give it a go. - Eh?

What do I have to do, eh?

Just shuffle them, you know, the usual.
Any way you like.

Everyones got their own way...
of shuffling them.

And when you're ready, you cut them.

That was a rehearsal. Try again
because, you know, it wasn't fair.


Once more for luck, eh?
- Yes. Yes, of course.

Eh, you better have another one
for luck, hadn't you, eh?

Oh, well, now, wait a moment.
Let's have one for Mr. Gnatpole.

Bet it'll be a knave. No.

One for the united nations.

It's got to
be in somewhere.

Oh, it's only a game, Patty.

Oh, I'll marry you whether the queen
of hearts turns up or not.



The queen. Hello.
- Oh, shh.

Now, we're not here only as a rescue
mission for sick businesses.

Let's concentrate on finding new industries
with an unlimited growth potential.

I agree.

Oh, ja.

Ja. Heil.
- Gut. Gut.



Gesch?ftsf?hrer HERMANN SCHMIDT

It's quite an intensive study.

It should do the trick.
I've made several recommendations.

Now, my first recommendation
can cut overheads...

Uh, 27% overnight.

27%, Gentlemen.

Buon giorno.

Uh, hot.

Here's your affitto money.
- Grazie, grazie.

Caesar! Oh!
Oh, my love.

Me Caesar, you Terwilliger.

Oh, you look worn-out. - I am.
- Take your coat off. - Thank you. Ta.

Now, sit down.

Take your shoes off.
- You take them off.

Alright, then. - Ah!
What is it? - Oh.

Give us your foot.
- Hot and all.

Here's your affitto geld.
- Ah.


Mrs. Smith?
It's the cleaners.

We found some money in your
husband's suit. Yes, again.

It's French and Italian today.


Oh, I am glad you're home, Caesar.
The very man.

Yes, now, who moved the bed over here?
- Oh, I moved.

No, let me finish.
Who prefers it here?

No, see, I moved it because,
um, well, it's best there

because we'll have to put
the crib somewhere, you see.

What crib?
- I thought it would give us more room.

We could put it over there, you see,
because I'm in the club.

It gives us more space...
because I can move...

What club? - I'm in the
pudding club. I'm going to be a mother.

- So that will give us more room, won't it?

Well, that's what comes out
of loneliness, see?

Here, are you pleased?

Well, I'm delighted
you're going to be a mum.

I am gonna be a dad?

You know, I'll be expected to tell
it the facts of life, won't I?

I'm only just discovering
a few of them now myself.

Oh. ha ha. It'll be fresh in
your mind, then, won't it?

I'll go and put the kettle on.

You got a passport? - What?
- Have you got a passport?

Well, what do I want a passport for?
- Get one, Patty. - What for, Caesar?

Get a passport. - No!

Look here, I don't want to
start traveling around.

Well, I just think it's everyone's duty...
to be able, you know, to move...

I want to be a father to the kid.

I don't want to, you know, be visited
every now and then or write letters.

Enough. Look, love,
are you alright?

I don't know. I don't know. I just know
that in a few months' time,

someone is going to be looking up to me
for the rest of my life,

and that's terrifying.

Come on, I look up to you,
and it don't scare you much.

Oh, yes, but you're different.
You're a genius.

I mean, you're up there
on your pedestal, and...

you're looking up to me, although
I've got one foot in the gutter.

Well, if I'm on a pedestal, it's just because
you put me up there, isn't it?

Oh, that's fair enough. Yes.
Anyway, don't argue.

Look, I'll get the crib
if you get the passport.

Is that a deal?

It's a deal, dad.


A couple of bangers.
Oh, no. I never touch curry.

Vile, vile, isn't it?

I'll go make the tea, eh?

3 Cups. Don't forget.

We have to think of
that from now on.

It was ever so nice of you
to see me, Mr. Gnatpole.

Oh, well, not at all, Patty.
I mean, the fact that, well, you called me,

I'd like to sort of, consider that as...
well, a bond of friendship,

and there is nothing more
beautiful on earth than friendship.

Oh no, it is beautiful, particularly
between two... people.


So, what... would you like to order?

Well, I don't know much about it.

I couldn't manage these stick things.

Oh, well, the raw squid
is supposed to be very nice.

Don't they have nothing cooked?

Would you trust me...
to order?

Um, we'll have 2 of
the number 4 with the fried rice

and the jasmine tea.

Well, now,
what can I do for you?

Well, I had to call you because I don't know
anybody else in that office, see, and...

It's about Caesar, isn't it?

Well, yeah.
I'm just so worried about him.

He keeps flying
all over the place for Ta-Can-Co.

Can't somebody else go for a change?
He could be a rest.

You should see his passport.
He'll have to have it renewed soon.

It's got Rome, Frankfurt, Paris.
He's always going to Paris.

Paris? Well, that would be
my responsibility.

Must be kind of business, he ain't
going for fun. He's worn-out. Honest.

Obviously he's going for...

What's a polite way
of putting it?

Personal reasons?

W... what?

Personal reasons?

I never thought of that.


My attention... thank you.

My attention has been
drawn to the fact that

we've been doing a steadily
increasing amount of business with the...

Soci?t? d'insulation
Etoile de Paris.

Now, does anybody here
know anything about it?

Uh, yes. I do.
- You do?

Yes. It's an
interesting company, actually...

A very brilliant young
president they've got there...

Claude Debussy...
monsieur Claude...

I hope I do justice to the French.

Yes, he's regarded something of an industrial
wizard over there. He's made several records.

Have you met him? Do you know him?
- Not personally, I've telephoned, but...

Well, then don't you think we should?

I'm going to the continent tomorrow.
I could phone him and make an appointment.

Now, you're cookin'. Drop in on him
and find out all you can about him.

Well, mark you, I could go as a kind of
advance guide if you'd like. Thank you!

And, well, you know,
I could draw up a preliminary report.

I don't need anyone
to make my reports for me.

Oh, Gnatpole, I wasn't suggesting
for a moment that you did.

I know how useful
you are to Carlton here. Huh?

Well, thanks anyway, but Gnatpole does
our investigating for us on the continent.

Your decision, Carlton.
- Yes, I know.

Thanks all the same, Smith.

I'll get the...
water. Yeah.

Find out what you can
about Soci?t? Etoile, Willard.

Carlton, before Gnatpole
goes rushing off to Paris

to see Debussy, could I say something?
- Shoot.

No one has a higher regard
for your hunches than I do, Carlton.

After all, I owe
my job to one of them.

But we have got a 1 million ?
computer next door.

Why don't we ask it?

You're right Caesar. We're still in the bad
habit of using our own minds, aren't we, huh?

I'll go over and, uh, program it.

I've already programmed the computer
for that question, sir. - You have?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I remembered
to suppress the nominal factors.

Even that?

Good. Good.
Get the rest of the team.









Well, let's concentrate
on the big 3, shall we?

I want a complete
report immediately.

Willard, I want you to make the rounds
of these companies right away.

Drop in on the plants.
Talk to the banks.

Put out feelers.
But don't look too anxious.

I think it's my turn to go.

Willard here... he's our expert when
it comes to making this kind of deal.

You couldn't go anyway. - Why not?
- Because I have a surprise for you.

You've worked hard
for almost a year.

What is this? - Two tickets to the Bahamas
for you and Patty. - Oh, no.

I couldn't...
- Oh, a belated honeymoon. Here.

Oh, no. Carlton, please.

And when you get back, there's going to be
a promotion and a raise. - Oh, no. I can't.

The usual, Patty,

one shirt... white, one tie... regimental,
one pair of socks, and one pair of pajamas.

Well, take the new ones. I got you a nice new
pair in silk with your initials

and a coronet on the pocket. Everything.

Huh? What did you
want to do that for?

Well, you'll need them
in Paris, won't you?

Well, how did you know
I was going to Paris?

Gnatpole said.
- Gnatpole?

I know why men go to Paris.
I'm not daft.

It so happens that nowadays, even the French
come over to London for that.

Why did you let your hair grow long, then?
Look at it, all hanging down there.

I haven't had time to go
to the barber. You know that.

What are you going to Paris for, then?
- I've got to get there before Gnatpole.

What's he going for?

He's trying to get there before me. We are
both trying to get there before one another.

Why? - He's trying to take credit for
all the deals I carefully put together.

He wouldn't.
- Gnatpole? Oh, come on.

Yeah, he would.
- Yeah.

Why did he say you
always go to Paris for...

Look, well, because he's in
love with you, isn't he? Jealous.

Yes. You're his femme fatale.
Always have been.

Oh, if only I could find some
way of detaining him in London.

You go and get packed, love.

You mean that?
- Yeah.

I'll keep him here, all right.

I believe you're holding space
on the Paris flight for Gnatpole.


G-N-A-T... Gnat... pole.

I'm sorry, sir. Your reservation
is canceled. - Canceled?

When's the next flight to Paris?

In 3 hours.

All right, I'll take that.

Mr. Gnatpole.
What you doing here?

Well, I was just... on the
Paris flight... for business.

Oh, that's nice for you.

You were right about
Caesar and his trips to Paris.

Well, I've decided
two can play at that game.

Oh, good.
I don't... mean good.

Well, I... find I have
a couple hours to kill.

Why don't we have a drink?

Oh, I'd like that.

I've got a couple of
things I got to do first.

Well, that's... no problem.

Merci beaucoup.

Beaucoup merci.

Merci beaucoup.

Here, Willard.

Willard, what do you
think of this one, eh?

Well, it isn't quite as drafty
as the other one. Ha ha ha!

Which one do you like best?

I like them both, I think.

Shall we have
them both, then?

Why not?
Ha ha!

Oh, you are good, Willard.

How much?
- Twenty pounds. - Twenty?

It makes quite a change to meet
a man with a bit of gold.

Oh, sorry.

Vier, f?nf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun, zehn.

Zehn tausende.

Das ist erledigt. - Yeah, I could have
told you that a half an hour ago.

Oh, look, you got a flight booked on
305. Flight 305. Mr. Gnatpole.

Willard Gnatpole.
No, it's G-N.

Yeah, will you cancel it, please?

* This time we'll love

* as no other lovers have loved

* we will touch all the stars

* that seem to be just below us

* we see the world

* from a mountain that no one can climb

* for no one's loved as the two of us

* will love this time

* This time we'll love

* as no other lovers have loved

I take it you have nothing
to declare, sister. - No. Nothing.

Well, I hope you enjoy your visit.
- Thank you very much.

Uh, would you open your bag, sir?


Customs hall
no admittance

Thank you, my son.

Uh... sisters!

I think there's been
some mistake here.

I'm sorry for the inconve... No. No.

Try this...

You'll find that lighter, I believe.

Hello, love.
How is Mr. Gnatpole, huh?

Oh, don't you speak to me.
I'm worn out.

Ain't it dreadful?
- Dear, you're having dinner with me.

Oh, no, love. Not tonight. - We're going out.
- Oh, I couldn't. Where do you want to go?

On a plane. Get your passport.
- Oh, stop larking about.

I'm not. Whoo. Ha, ha, ha!
- What you got in here? It weighs a ton.

Oh, open it up.
I've got no secrets from you.

What you brought back?

Dear, this is money, isn't it?

Yeah. They told me it was, yes.
I wouldn't believe them at first.

There's about 1 million pounds here.

You've got the exact
right figure, you have.

I got a slight raise.
- Where did you get...

You would never.

You've been stealing!

Well, you want to be careful
what you say, you know.

Any fool can steal.
Everybody does a bit.

I've been embezzling.

Is that what you've been
doing on all them trips?

Yeah, I thought it was
the other you were doing.

I would never do anything
dishonest like that. Patty!

Signorina? Signorina!

Lei, dove chiama, e?
Dove chiama, e?

How... much?

Che, a Londra?

A dove, a Parigi, dove?

I got... some with birds and
some with trees on them.

Ah, si. Bene. Bene.
Buono. Tutto, eh?

All of them?
- Hmm.

H... hello?

Caesar Smith is a thief.

O... Carlton Klemper, please.

Dear, you can go to jail
for embezzling, can't you?

That's why I like to have
dinner on the plane, see? - I see.

You're going to keep it, are you?

That was my intention, yes.

Oh... better get used to it,
then, hadn't i?

Yes. And pack.
- Oh, yeah.

Now, I'll leave that there
in case I forget it.

Caesar Smith?

Uh, are you absolutely sure?

Well, of course I'm sure.

No, no, I don't know where he is!
Where are you?

I'm... at a
barbershop in Rome.

I don't... Listen, he's taking
a noon plane to the Bahamas.

I bought him the tickets.

No, I'm not going
to call the police.

And watch the bottom drop out
of Ta-Can-Co stock? You idiot!

You want a bonus?
Put your foot on that gas.

Hand luggage under the seat,
please. - Ooh.

When do you expect this to leave?
- In about 5 minutes. - About 5.

About 5 minutes.
They always say that.

Wait a minute!

Hold it!

Hold it a minute.


Would you mind going back to your seat?
- I don't have a seat.

Do you have a boarding pass that I might see?
- No, I don't have a boarding pass.

I'm sorry, sir, you have to...
- I'm looking for someone.

Excuse me. - Now, then, sir, I'm
afraid you'll have to leave the aircraft.

I don't wish to appear rude, but you're
causing unnecessary disturbance.

All right. all right.
- Now, sir.

We should be landing in Rio
de Janeiro in a few minutes time.

Please fasten your seatbelts
and observe the no smoking sign.

- We're coming in.

What is?
- We're landing.

Do your seatbelt.

You want to follow this man.
Don't want to lose you.

Thank you.
We'll be here.

Now, what's that? - Oh, that's the sugar,
what are they called, sugar cone...

Which are your bags?
- These are our bags.

Do you have anything to declare?
- No, senhor. No.

What is in here, please?
- Money.


Enjoy your stay in Brazil.

You know, the worst part of it
is we don't know where he is,

and we can't figure out what he's done.

I knew it.
I knew it the minute he walked in.

There was something about him.
I knew he was a crook.

There was nothing wrong with the books.

He ran off with over a million,
and we didn't even notice it.

You hired him.
- I hired him?

Yes, I did.

- This is Mr. Caesar Smith to see you, sir.

A who?
- Caesar Smith.

Caesar Smith?
- Yes, sir.

Don't let him get... Get him in here.
Get... him in here right away.

Hey! Wait a minute!
I hired him!

Good afternoon.
- Who the hell are you?

Yes, that's it. You see, for every pound
he paid into one of his own companies,

he charged one of your companies a similar
amount. That's why the books always balanced.

It's a work of art, really.

Ha. To think it
all done in my name.

Yes? - A telegram for you,
Mr. Klemper. - Read it.

It's from the other Caesar Smith.

It reads, "Please, join us in Rio.

Have lots to talk about.

Don't bring your overcoat.
It's very hot out here.

Look forward to seeing you.

Love, Caesar. "

Tem alguma coisa a declarar?

Do you have anything to declare?
- Uh, no. no.

Anything to declare?
- Nothing.

Open it, please.

Hey, look what this American idiot
has brought into this country...

a jar of instant coffee.


No, to confiscate
this is not enough.

Throw it away. Throw it away.
Over there.

No, no, no, no, no.
Out. Out.

But look. You insured me, didn't you?
- You know you're insured.

Well, then, who am I harming?
- What about the insurance companies?

Mr. Klemper, a midwife
needs a baby, right?

An undertaker needs
a corpse, right?

An insurance company
needs an occasional embezzler.

They ought to be grateful for me. I'm
reminding them what they're in business for.

There's a sort of lunatic
poetry in what you say.

I only wish you hadn't taken
this time to say it. - Why not?

Because the president of our Corporation...

has just played his last game of golf.

Oh, he's trying to play it with an
imaginary club, now, is he? - No!

Look, Caesar! Probably by now he's
a caddy in that greater game up above.


What he's trying
to say is he's dead.

Oh, dead? Why didn't
you say so? Oh, dear.

We're going to elect a new president next
week. - Well, you have to now, don't you?

Well, what chance do you think I'll have
when this gets out? And it will.

That's why when we got
your cable, we came right over.

I know why you came... I mean, what cable?
I didn't send you no cable.

No, I sent them
a cable inviting them out.

What for?
- There you are.

This is a... no, thanks. This is
a getaway, it's not a paper chase.

Listen, Caesar, don't raise your
voice at me, not in my condition.

Now, go on.
Give them the money back.

You're mad. - She's not mad,
not mad at all. - Thank you, Patty.

First of all, will you write us
out a check for 1 million pounds?

You want us to write...
- Wait a minute, now.

Patty, why on god's earth do you
want us to give you a check for 1 million ??

For my Ta-Can-Co stock.
- Your what?

You have 1 million ? worth?

Right, it's almost 2 million pounds,
according to this morning's papers.


You want to sell us 2 million ?
worth of stock for 1 million ??

Yes. That's right. Well, it's fair, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah. Yes.

Very generously.

Not only generous...

Oh, go on, Caesar.
Don't be so mean.

We don't need it.
We got plenty more.

More? How?

Well, you know when you'd come back from
all them trips, I used to unpack for you?

I kept finding this
money all over the place.

I took your suit to the cleaners.

The woman kept finding money in all
the pockets. It was ever so embarrassing.

I had to start embezzling off you to
stop them talking in the High Street.

You invested this money
and made a profit?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

You know them lists you used to make out for
me because I was so slow at dictation? - Yes.

Well, I put all the money I found
lying around into them companies,

and when Ta-Can-Co took them over,
well, they skyrocketed.

Of course, the first million was
the most difficult to me, I'll say that.

Still, my broker said it would be. It is.

You, uh... You made this money while you
were an employee of the company, then.

Oh, no. I been fired by
one of them rotten computers.

I had to rely
on Caesar after that.

Caesar fed you the information?

Yeah, I suppose he did, in a way.

See, he used to get so tired after them
long flights, going all over the place,

he used to lie and talk in his sleep,

go over and over these lists
of companies, over and over.

I learned them
by heart in the end.

So I put the rest
of the money into them.

How absurd, isn't it?

I'm here, I mean, sticking my neck out...
trying to embezzle from you,

she's been getting more money
than I am by just investing.

I'm sure that there's
a moral here somewhere, valuable,

I only want that moral put into...

Patty... Patty!

I invite you to become
a member of the board. - Oh!

That's nice, but, no,
you give the place to Caesar.

I mean, a woman's place is in the
home, isn't it, making money?

And then perhaps when
you're president, Mr. Klemper,

there will be room for Mr. Gnatpole
to be executive vice president. Ha, ha.

You know, there is
a certain logic, what she says.

- What about him?

With Caesar?


Gone too far.

No. Come on.

You're a bloody marvel, you are.

Well, alright,
then I'm... look, uh...

If, in fact, I will be taken on
a small... not treasurer of course, ta.

Oh, treasurer,
it will mean going home.

Yeah, I know, well,
that's what I'm getting at, love...

Cause quite honestly, look, I don't care.
I just don't care about the money,

but I can't stand this heat.

I'd much rather have
my baby in London, eh?

I don't care about it, honestly.

Well, you're right,
of course, as always.

You know, only money, what is it?

It doesn't do any good
unless it helps you to...

Well, I can't put it better than that...
make your dreams come truth?

You know who said that, huh?
Walt Whitman.

I wouldn't put it past him.


Slower? Be over in a minute.

How are you? Alright?


transcript: drdamjan