Hot Bot (2016) - full transcript

Hot Bot is the hilarious journey of two sexually repressed and unpopular teenage geeks who accidentally discover a life-like super-model sex bot (Bardot).

Welcome to International
Financial News.

I'm Lindsay Hawthorne.

The German-based
Hot Bot Corporation

continues to try to get
a foothold in the U.S. market,

as they're currently
beta-testing a new line

of realistic sex robots
for American consumers.

So far, the Hot Bot Corporation

has not been granted
U.S. patent approval

for the radically
advanced technologies

controlling the robots.

But Hot Bot executives

are hoping to make their case

to Congress
in the coming months.

is the Hot Bot Corporation,

where the sexual pleasure

will soon be revolutionized
by providing

safe, disease-free,

and uninhibited
erotic satisfaction

for discriminating consumers.

The hypoallergenic Hot Bots
are designed

at a state-of-the-art facility
in Germany

and built in Japan.

I'm here with the inventor
of the Hot Bot,

Dr. Heinrich Schaffer.

Thank you, Nigel.

Allow me to introduce Sophia.

Here she comes.
The excitement is palpable.

This is the latest
Hot Bot prototype.

As you can see,
it is very realistic-looking

and very alluring,
but it is just a robot,

not a beautiful young woman.

I like to think of it
as the perfect marriage

of art and science.

In German, we have a word
for this concept:

I've been told that we can
interview it... or her.

Is that correct?

Yes, of course,
but keep in mind,

she is not one
of the more talkative models.

Sophia, what would
you say is your job?

My job is to please you.


Uh, the, uh,
robot's breast is, uh,

it's very supple
and realistic-feeling.

It's the space-age polymer

that makes the boobies
so tactile.

Are you capable of feeling love?

Yes. But like humans,
it can overload my system.

Your heart rate is increasing.

You are becoming erect.

No, no, no, I'm not.

The Hot Bot's analysis
is always accurate.

To the viewers at home,
and if my wife,

if you're watching,

I am an objective news reporter

a journalistic investigation

of a technological breakthrough.

You are 92 % erect.

You are very well endowed.

Would you like to have sex?

The, uh, economic recession
in, uh, Europe,

uh, has been hard
on the, uh, economy.

- Uh...
- Would you like

to have oral sex?

Oh, actually,
I think we should cut that.

No, no, no. Keep rolling.

This is
an excellent demonstration

of the Hot Bot's
erotic positivity algorithm.

- Yeah?
- Dr. Schaffer? Guten Tag.

So, who else
have you shown this to?

Just me?

Unairable, you say?

That's good.
Because you know what?

I'll agree to help you
on this, okay?

I'll solve all your problems,
but I just have one condition.

I want one.

You heard me. I want one.
I want every option on it.

I want it all first class.

Anything you can put on it.
And by the way, no viruses.

No, something I can catch.

Well, then, send me Bardot.

One quick question.

Is it possible to adjust
the breasts?

...flight 329 from Tokyo.

We're clear.
Taxi down runway...

Welcome to Salt Lake City.

If we serve food this hot,
we'll get in a lot of trouble.

- Don't spit on the food, bro.
- I'm not.

I'm just cooling it down.

Please don't do that.

It's so unsanitary.


You're insane.

Oh, this makes me
really uncomfortable.

This is Tandem.


The angel has fallen.



Ow! This is heavy!

Hey, batter, batter batter.

to Battertown Fish & Donut,

where every day is Fry-Day.

Would you like to try
our new triple double?


Huffy, is that you?

- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.

Don't worry.
I got one in the cannon.

What do you wanna eat?

All right.
You listen, I talk.

Give me a double fry,
extra crispy fish basket,

Vanilla Gorilla shake and a Dew,

and make sure it's carbonated.

If you give me
a flat Mountain Dew,

I'm gonna come in there
and shit in the fryer.

And a side order of chick nuts.

- You want anything, baby?
- No, no, I'm good.

You sure?

One phlegm-bay coming up.


Yeah, we have the package

in our possession.

Should we see what's in the box?


It says "none of our business"

in about 50 different languages.

Let's open the box.

That's a good call.

- Hi, Limus.
- Hey, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck was that?

- You really have to do that?
- Well, he's my friend.

You said, "Hi, Limus"
by his name.

- Shut up.
- No, no, no.

Tell me the truth.
Did you puff on the Huff?

Knock it off, Rodney.

My greatest creation.

Rodney will love it.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Hey, "Roidney."

- What?
- I've got your dumb food.

What'd you just say?

I just said
I got your dumb fucking food.

- Little fucker.
- Stop it, Rodney.

He's my friend.

- Stop.
- Stop, Rodney, come on.

If you say hi to her
one more time,

I'm gonna give you a red sock.

- So sorry, Limus.
- Give me my food!

- Oh, you want your food?
- Yeah, I want my food.

Does the ape-man
want his banana?

What the fuck
is wrong with you, tard?

You want the awesome sauce?

Hey, give me the fucking sauce.

Do you want my sauce?

- Shut the fuck up.
- Bye, Limus. Bye Nard.

Fuck you.

Eat my dick!

Why aren't you two
in the batter box?

Your appearance
isn't customer-friendly.

Customers will not order from us

if they see you two
failed fucking abortions.

Your shift is over.

Drain the vat
and hump to the dump.

I think fried food
makes him aggressive.

What the F, Koontz?

Hold on. Hold on.


Well, why don't you have her?

I took the pill, Frazier,
that's why.

Do you realize at most,
I've got...

Because if I take another one
in an hour,

I'm gonna have a hard-on
until Arbor Day.

Do you understand...
You know something?

This is beneath me,
and I'm not going to do it.

I want you to find her
and bring her.

Find her and bring her.

Just... What did I say?


Where were we? Oh, yeah.

Now, you listen to me.

You got a half hour to heal,
and then I'm using you

no matter what any woman.

Don't give me that look.

Oh, man!

Never had my ass beat
by a sex doll before.

Oh, my God.
I think...

I think she made me
shit on myself.


We gotta find her,
we gotta find her.

What the hell, what the hell,
what the hell, what the hell?

Feels like Van Damme
with a vagina.

"A red sock

is when having unprotected
anal intercourse.

The inner lining
of the intestines

comes out of the body,

appearing much like
a red tube sock."

Listen, dude,

he's peaking right now.

Do you understand?
He knows that.

As dumb as he is,

he knows these are
the best years of his life.

These are the worst years
of our lives.

You know why?

So that we can look back at them

and fucking laugh
on piles of money

that we've made for being smart.

He hates you too.

I'm sure he'd love to give us
a matching pair of socks.

He will not pull my butthole
out of my butthole, okay?


We hit something.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

Well, "I don't know"
is under your car.

Well, why don't you go
and check out what it is?

Okay. Yeah.

I didn't ask you to do it for
me, you fucking idiot.

- What is it?
- Um...

Nard, we might be dealing with

like, uh, a half-dead,
irate buck here,

and it might be
really mad at me,

and he might get up
and ram his rack

- right through my trachea.
- Don't be an imbecile.

Okay, well, all I'm saying is

it's gonna be
hard for me to talk to you

with blood squirting out
of my neck.

Yeah, well, it's hard enough

to communicate with you
either way.

Come on, man, this is boring.


What? Hey!

- Nard! Nard!
- What? What?

- What? What?
- You hit a girl!

And you knocked off
all of her clothes!

We have to wrap her up
and put her in the car.

Did I knock her socks off?

Nard, you can't
leave her out here

like a piece of road kill.

It is so cold out, Huffy.
I really don't wanna move.

I am so cold.

Get out of your fucking car!

You know how bad
my circulation is!


Oh, yeah, I do not

wanna have to call this in.

- You got service down here?
- We've got no service.

All right, let's find her.

- Huffy?
- Huh?

We just need
to formulate a plan, okay?

You think
that calling the police

and reporting the accident

is the wrong decision to make?

All I know is that
I'm old enough to know

we're too young to make
the right decision.


And what exactly
is the wrong decision here

that I'm gonna be supporting?

Okay, it's...
it's a whole thing.

I'll tell you once
we get to your house.

I'm not sure if she's alive,

but my parents
can't see a dead body.

They're not gonna see her body.

It's part of the plan.

You have to understand,
you have to trust the plan.

- I do. Oh, yeah.
- You trust the plan?

- I trust the plan.
- Tell me you trust the plan.

I trust the man behind the plan,

and I trust the plan.

Okay. If you trust
the man behind the plan,

therefore you trust the plan.

You trust the plan.

I do.


Why don't you go
into the garage?

- Why?
- Because we're gonna stash

that girl in there.

That idea took you
over an hour to come up with?

Come on!
So, where are we going?

Your room?

Uh, yeah, let's do that.

No one will ever suspect a girl

to be in my room.

Hey, that's really sad.

Don't say stuff like that.

Mm, bring it back around.

Bring it back around.

Oh, shit.

What's that dumb music?

Oh, fuck. Stop.

We'll just go fast.

One, two, three.

Please, God, let me get off
on a technicality.

Oh, man.

She's so fucking heavy
for a girl.

She weighs more than groceries.

Hey, Limus,

what are you guys doing?

- Fuck.
- Hey, come in here, you two.

My feet hurt.
Is it possible for me not to...

Boy, you are in my house!

You get your ass down here now!

- Ooh.
- Hey.

- Dance party.
- Hey, Dad.

- Don't dance. Stop that.
- Okay. Sorry.

What are you gentlemen doing
this evening?

Uh, nothing.

Well, something.

- You smell funny.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. It's been pretty dead.
- Mm-hmm.

Whatever you brought
in my house,

I want it out by tomorrow, okay?

- Check.
- Yes, sir.

- See you later.
- Bye.

No, no, don't touch.


- That was weird.
- Yeah, what was that

on his jacket?


I w... I was, um...

calculating how much time
we're both gonna do for this.

Okay, well,
she's still unconscious.

We have a few more hours
to formulate a plan

before she starts to stink,
and it'll be fine.

Because the plan we have
going for us is so genius.

You know what?
I would relax, Huffy.

This is the first time

you've had a girl
in your bed, ever.

Dead or alive,

this is a positive step forward.


Don't you think it's time
for Leonard to go home?

Okay, Mom.

And I really want you
to bathe today.

Thank you,
Mrs. Huffingtons.

Okay, I'm gonna
leave you two alone.

Hey, hey, you come back

the first thing tomorrow morning

to help me with her.

Okay. I have the perfect place
to bury her.

It's my grandma's garden.

Oh, and dude,
you should have sex with her.

Do whatever you can

that you know you're never
gonna be able to do again,

like finger her butthole
or, like, lick her eyeball.

I won't tell anyone. Promise.
Okay. I was just saying.

It's one night.
You know, adventure time.

Just knock it out.

If you need anything,
hesitate to call 'cause

I don't... I don't like it here.

Hey, Ms. Huffington,

do you have
any sloppy joes left?


Hello, this is Kenny.

How may I help you?

Yeah, your robot
just beat my ass

and then ran off
into the bushes.

Oh, yeah.
No, that is hysterical.

This fucking idiot just asked me

if I touched
the sex doll inappropriately.

Did you?

Why doesn't Limus

ever have to spread
the Word with us?

Oh, sweetie, the Lord gave him
other challenges.

- Let's not be late.
- Mm-mm.

Let's go.

I know how you hate
being late, sweetie.

I don't like being late.

God doesn't want us
to be late, does He?

Mmm-mm. Mmm-mm.

- What?
- Nard, Nard, Nard.

- She's not here.
- What?

The dead girl is gone.

Is there a knife
sticking out of your chest?

- No.
- We're fine. Yeah.

We'll just put
some missing posters

around town
looking for a dead zombie.

- A zombie?
- Yeah.

A naked zombie.

- Great, Nard, great.
- Go throughout your house,

and I'm gonna
take down this tent.

Yeah, what was that?
Oh, I'm breaking up.

Good morning, world.

Who is it?

It's Britney, bitch.

Hey, where is she?

I think that zombie

is in the bathroom.


Fuckin' shit.

Oh, I really think
I'm gonna reconsider

going to church.

Yeah, well...
in a minute or two,

you're gonna
meet your maker, buddy.


I love you.

I love you too.

Now, fire that up.


Why are you doing this to me?

Start praying.

Oh, you're up.
Good morning.

Would you like to fuck
in your room?

You have protection for that?

- Huffy?
- Huh?

- Check your pants.
- Why?

Because I know
you just came in them.


So, which one of you
wants to fuck me first?


Whoa. Oh.

Is one of you gonna
remove your clothes,

or would you like me
to remove them for you?

- Huffy, take your clothes off.
- Oh, man.

- Huffy, take your clothes off.
- Shut up. We'll get there.

Come, sit next to me.

Dude, go over there
and fuck her.

Are you gonna stand there
and watch?

Yeah, of course.

- Get out, Nard!
- Why?

- You can't watch.
- I would let you watch.

I can't... p-perform
with you watching me.


What, do you think
this is the Olympics?

You're like a shotgun, buddy.
One pump and you're done.

- Boom.
- Get the fuck out of here.

What are you, a cartoon dog?


"I'm a human being.

I'm gonna have sex with a girl.

Ooh, ooh, ooh."

You should put that on.
You're a little bit naked.


how can I please you, my master?

I'm sensing...

that you would like something
in the face-to-face family.


The Victory?
The Viennese Oyster?

No, I'm allergic to shellfish.

That's adorable.

How about you
just lay down next to me?

How about you turn me on?

How about you turn me on?

Turn me on?
Turn me on?

Turn me on? On...

Oh, God!
Fuckin' hurry up.


You okay?


- Nard!
- What? Fuck.

I knew it. She's possessed.
What happened?

I don't know.
I didn't even get to kiss her.


Ugh. Well, you really
fucked up this time, man.

I don't know what happened.
She's not, um...

- Alive?
- No, she's not... real.


She's fake.

Holy shit.

Huffy, she's a fuckin' robot.

I'm a little hungover today.

And you're stupid.

So, are you telling me

that 500,000 bucks
just wandered off

into the woods?

No one's going to find her,

let alone... touch her.

Let me rephrase that, senator.

If anyone does find her
and plugs her in,

we will know.

The entire company is on alert.

Look, I'm not a bad guy.
I don't enjoy killing.

Sometimes, sure,
but usually it upsets me.

I don't want to...
I don't wanna kill you.

So, why don't we avoid
all that and, you know...

find her, please?

Find her. Hmm?

Yes, senator, yes.

I'm pretty sure
the meeting is over.

How about you?

Golly. Caroline,
I'm ready for a drink.

And none of your bullshit
shot-and-a-half drinks, huh?

I-I don't know, Nard.
It's all I could grab.

The label said
"The Faith Hill Collection."

Yeah, well, it really says
Salvation Army.

Shut up.

All right,
they're my mom's clothes.

If I knew how to dress girls,
I wouldn't be into them.

Mom jeans are mom jeans, Huffy.

You've put ketchup
on filet mignon.


Ladies, do you wanna see
my personal favorite?

This is a real cave dweller.


It's similar to Peter the Great,

the one that I showed you
before, right?

They only differ in girth.

And I do have a pair
with adjustable testicles

for that.

And the double dicks,
they pull apart.

- Fuck.
- Oh, my.

- Yeah. So, you can...
- Boom, boom. Ba...

- Oh, sorry, ma'am.
- Get out of here now, Nard.

Dude, I promise I won't sell
my mom's dildo to you again.

- Get out of here now, Nard.
- Ew, ew.

- Ladies, ladies...
- Oh, Mrs. Williams.

- Dude, this is Jack's mom.
- No, no, no, ladies.

These are not
refurbished sex toys.

- Mrs. Williams?
- Ladies...

That's Jack's mom, dude.

Oh, whoa, dude.
Oh, okay.

- Before you cut off...
- Get off of me.

There's something we found

that you might wanna
take a look at.

We're here for a good cause.

It'll blow your mind.

Okay, did I hear you correctly?

You hit her with your car...

you brought her to your home,

and all she just wanted to do
was start fucking both of you.

Yeah. I swear.

that's exactly what happened.

And your problem is... what?

I turned her off
before I even got to kiss her.

Yeah, that face, that face.

It'd turn anyone off.


- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah, okay.

Ben, you don't have to go
under the hood.

I'm looking for her ignition.

Got to be a way
to turn this baby on.




Of course. Wi-Fi.



You boys are the proud owners

of a state-of-the-art,
full-fledged fucking machine.

Oh, shit!

Boa constrictor of love.


Hey, I hope you two
love to read,

because this hot babe
comes with her own bible.

Close your legs.

I didn't know
you were so religious.


So much for crawling up
and dying in the woods.

- They found her?
- Yeah.

A one Benjamin Benedict

is about to get a visit from us.

He's the owner
of the Save On Sex.

How do you save on sex?

You get married.

"The Hot Bot
is a learning computer.

The more she learns and loves,
the more human she becomes.

Treat the Hot Bot the way

you ultimately
want to be treated.

The more you give,
the more you get."

- Hmm.
- Nard, she's, like,

super sensitive
to any incoming data.

She'll do exactly what we want.

That's good.

"She will begin to process
original thoughts

with what she experiences.

She will form
her own opinions."

Okay, that actually sucks,

because the second she finds out

who we really are,

she is not
gonna wanna sleep with us.

Holy rosy palms.

"All major credit cards

Huffy, give me your credit card.

- Give me your credit card.
- No. No way.

My dad was very clear

when he gave me the credit card.

- It is for an emergency only.
- Huffy,

think about your virginity
as an emergency.

- I do.
- Then let's lose it.

Huffy, credit card.

- Put that thing in.
- Slide it.

- Where?
- Between her lips.

- Ooh, pussy lips?
- Please be quiet.

- Okay.
- Slide it.

- Just like that?
- Yes, yes.

I don't wanna kill the moment,

but what's your expiration date?

June of 2017.

06/17 accepted.

Oh, boys, I'm all for joyriding,

but we've passed a Radisson,

a Motel 6, and an Extended Stay.

There's a Holiday Inn coming up

on your right, 0.6 miles.

$64 includes
a free continental breakfast

- and Wi-Fi.
- Wow.

- Navigation.
- Yeah.

She's looking
for a place to hump.

It's longer
than the regular Bible.

That's 'cause
it's more important

than the regular Bible.

- We have to read it.
- Yeah, I know.

- You take half.
- Okay.

Read it tonight.

I will probably be

a little bit too busy
to read my half.

I hope you are,
my friend of friends.

Thanks for the ride, Nard.

- You're welcome, Tard.
- Gonna be with my lady now.

All right, cool.

Can't wait to see you Tuesday.

Study up, stud.

- To know me is to fuck me.
- Ooh.

That's something
a robot would say...

who wants to get fucked.

May I join the network
Huffington House?


- Yeah.
- Password?

"Jesus love you," all caps.

I need to freshen up.

Is there a mode
where we take our time?

Slow dance?

You're nervous.

- Slightly.
- Don't be.

Nothing will happen
unless you want it to.

Hey, pizza.

I didn't order a pizza.

I took care of it.


You have company.

Who do we have here?

- A friend.
- A friend?

Does your friend have a name?

- No.
- Well, that's very exotic.

Is it Chinese?
What does "no" mean?

- No means no.
- I like you already.

do you understand our rule

about having
no girls in your room?

Mom, please.
You're being a cock block.

Limus, for heaven sakes.
What did you just say to me?

He's implying that
you're preventing his penis

from entering my vagina.

Well, thank you
for breaking down

"cock block" for me.
Come here.

Are you kidding me?

You just said cock block to me?

Are you out of your mind?

Come on.

It's like our house,
but a little bit smaller.

I can hide you in here.

There's extra
Rainbow Brite blankets

and a Care Bear pillow
right there.

Is everything in here tiny?

No, not everything in here
is tiny.

Is there a medical condition
I should be aware of?

Asthma. I have asthma.

Your blood pressure
is 170 over 60.

Breathe. Let's redirect
your blood flow.

I'm trying,
but if my dad finds out

that I'm playing around
in my sister's playhouse,

he'll build me a doghouse
to live in in the backyard.

- Doggy style it is, then.
- Oh.

Limus! Suppertime.

Come and get it.

I have to go.

Take... Take this.

We'll call it the Huffy Hotline.

And I have the other one,
and if you need anything,

call me and I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go.

What, are you going
to get a snack, son?

that is the strangest thing.

I woke up in the stairwell.

Boy, you got three
to get your ass up here.

- Thank God you found me.
- One...

- I could have fallen.
- Two...

Good morning.

I have to go to school.

I will be back at 3:15 p.m.

Stay here.

Don't leave.

Are you sure
this is the right address?

It's what tech support gave me.

1289 Sparrow Way.

No, no, I think
it's the wrong address, man.

There's no sex shop here.
This is a strip mall.

Goddamn it, Gandhi.

- Hey. Snuff-a-huffagus.
- Shh, shh, shh.

I'm trying to balance the pH.

- I'm simulating the house pool.
- Well, now you don't have to.

Huffy, look at this, dude.

This is a real concern.

Now you put my chlorine levels
all off.

- Oh, no.
- Shh, shh, shh.

Stuff you'll never use
in the real world.

Mr. Stupenski.

- Mr. Stupenski.
- Yes, sir.

Would you like to share
with the rest of the class

the material that seems

to have
your undivided attention?

I am just reading

about how
a synthetic vagina functions.


Oh, please, please, go on.
Enlighten the class.

Uh, yeah, sure.

My concern
is the moisture levels

when dealing
with a plastic pussy.

Now, although there are reserves

for lubrication
such as Astroglide,

you know,
other lubrications like that,

I still feel like
there might be the possibility

that you have
to replace a cartridge

or, you know,
something along those lines,

so if you stick your penis...

Okay, gentlemen,

let's continue
this little debate

with Principal Burns.


- Hi.
- Hi.

I was just in the neighborhood

and would love to talk to you
about Jesus.

Have you considered
letting the Lord inside?

Yes, I know
it's personal information

because it's
my personal information.

I don't think you understand
what I'm saying.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Okay? I need the...

Do you see what I'm seeing?

Yes, I do.

If you bring X-rated material
onto my campus again,

it won't be paper

you're putting
into that shredder.

It already
kind of feels like that.

What's the vagina?

welcome to Electric Beach.

Do you guys need a tan?

He does.

I stay on the right side,
you stay on the left.

Oh, Lord, I love this book.

It has so many good stories.
It's a must-read.

The Bible is God's cookbook.

He gives you
the recipes for life.

What kind of recipes?

Like, "I ain't cookin'
for no man

till he puts a ring on it."

Bro, do not pull my hair.

There's rules to roughing me up.

Yeah, where's the bot?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

That's not the answer
I was looking for.

Isn't that what everyone says?

Listen up, cool ranch.

Between the hardware
and the software,

you've got close
to 300 grand of ours.

I don't know where she is,
I swear.

Well, I see there's
a lot of things around here

to prod your memory.

We wouldn't want you to,
you know, choke on a cock.

I just don't think
he understands me.


Oh, shit.

You and I need to have
a serious discussion.

We can go make out and talk.

About our relationship.

Okay, somebody pressed
the wrong button.

Shaqobi, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just playing.


Shaqobi, out, out, out.

Hey, there.

So, what's up?

What's wrong,
she was in my playhouse

when I got home.

Tell me everything
you said to her, Shaqobi.

- I'm not telling you anything.
- Please?

Sex is sacred.

Okay, well, sex is actually
supposed to be fun.

And do you remember
when we all met

and you were like,
"Oh, let's all have sex,"

and then we all agreed?

Let's go back to that, please.

Fornication is not
in the game of life.

Mm, the fornication

is the only game in life,

So, let's get rid of this
and this

- and definitely...
- Fornication...

Definitely get rid of this.

And you stay here,
'cause we're gonna fix you.

Shaqobi, please.

That's fan-fucking-tastic,
'cause, uh,

church lady in there
is talking about Jesus

and said that she played church

for the last three hours!

You put a virus in what I love.

If you don't tell me

exactly what you said to Bardot,

I am going to cut you,

bleed you, put you in a blender,

and then dump
you down the toilet

so you can swim
with the fishes, okay?

- I'm not kidding.
- No!

- Run! Run, Shaqobi!
- No! No!

That was not the answer.

That was not the correct answer.

- Don't hide in the dryer.
- I will eat you alive!

Don't hide in the dryer again.

I will eat you alive!

I can reprogram her.

- Let me reprogram her.
- You'd better!

Or I will reprogram
my hit fist into your face!

Don't run away from me.

Do you believe

in the sacred bond of marriage?

I forgot how to breathe.

Why do you need
to look at Nard...

I hate everything.

...when I ask you
that question?

I'm trying to figure out
where that question came from.

Do you not like what you see?

No, I like it.

If you liked it,

then you should've
put a ring on it.

I gotta go.

See, the thing about
that girl in Deep Throat

is that she had a clit
in the back of her throat.


Think that's why
Nixon got impeached?

Is that why
they called him Tricky Dick?

Open up.

Open up.

There we go. Yeah.

Do you remember
where she is now?

- Yes, you do? Okay.
- Ah!

How'd you like that?

- Where is she?
- Fuck off.


No, no. Limus Huffington.
Limus Huffington.

- Limus Huffington? Okay.
- Limus Huffington, yeah. Yeah.

- Limus Huffington?
- Put it in there.

No, I told you, I told you!

Yeah. We need all information
on a Limus Huffington.

Mm-hmm. Everything.

you shouldn't buy her

a diamond ring.

It encourages terrible behavior.

I think if I get her a ring,

she'll think it's okay
to have sex with me.

I don't think
it will ever be okay

to have sex with you, okay?

Could I get a pretzel...

Two pretzels.

- A birthday cake...
- And a blue thing.

- Birthday cake.
- Blue thing.

Yeah, the two blue things.

Oh, shit.



Are you...


Tell me this is a hooker
doing community service.

This is...
Where'd you come from, girl?

Hey, Limus.

- What are you doing?
- Hey. Hi.

Where's Rodney?

I don't know.
Playing basketball somewhere.


Rodney's playing with Bardot.

Are you their babysitter?
Is that how this works?

If they play nice,
do you fuck them, or...

"The body is not meant
for immorality,

but for the Lord
and the Lord for the body."

- Corinthians 6:13.
- Pardon me.

She's ours, Rodney.

Dude, calm down, man.
You gotta just...

This guy is high-strung
as a motherfucker.

Am I wrong?

She's ours, you fucktard.

Nah, no, don't think so, homies.

Why does your fucking hand
smell like asshole?

I'm talking to your babysitter.

Listen, sweetie,
I got a party this weekend.

I want you to come.

It's gonna be
a fucking rage brigade.

You can sip on some Jesus juice

with us.
Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you my card here.

I got a little invitation
for you.

You know what I'm sayin'?

You call me
when you wanna get wet.

All right?

I'll see you boys.

Two years.
Two years, and that guy peaks.

Two years.

He's trying to tell you
that his penis

is 15 inches long?

It's fucking six inches, max.

He's bad.
You stay away from him.

If you believe in God,

he's the devil.

- Hey, it's Benny.
- Benny.

All right,
they want their property back.

What are you talking about?

I was just totally mouth-raped
by the FBI

because they thought
I had Bardot.

No one's after Bardot,
you dumb weirdo.

I'm fucking serious!

What do you mean?

I told them
you guys have Bardot,

so you boners better bail
if you wanna keep her.

Okay, well, do you know
what they look like?

Like two guys that wanna remove

your remaining testicle

with a pair of pruning shears.

Oh, sh...

Bardot, I realize

that you're trying
to get into heaven,

but I could really use

some directional help right now.

I thought you'd never ask.
Go left.

- When?
- Now.

In 0.1 miles,
make a sharp right.

Bardot, there is no right.
What are you talking about?

I didn't get
the latest download.

- Fuck!
- Get 'em.


Lost 'em, bitch.
Oh, fuck, no, I didn't.

Oh, my God.

I hope you got a paddle.

What? Why?

'Cause we're up shit's creek.

It's the senator.


I'm not kidding.

Let's get... I got a room.

- Let's go, man.
- Okay, cool, man.

Who were they?
What did those men want?

They want you.

Me? Why?
What do they want with me?

Do you want me
for the same reasons

as those men do?

No. No.

- It's completely different.
- How?

Because I like you.

It's safer for you
to stay here for the night.

- Benny's gonna stay with you.
- Where are you going?

I have to go to dinner
with my family.



If I don't go, it'll...

be my last supper.

And I'll, um...

I'll see you tomorrow.

♪ Benny, back it up ♪

♪ Benny, back it up ♪

Is she still
totally freaked out?


- Long day.
- Yeah.

You know, I think

between downloading God
and being chased by the feds,

- her wires are all crossed.
- Yeah.

She's gonna sleep
like a puffed pastry tonight.


Benny, there's one bed
in the bedroom.

The bed is for Bardot.
You sleep in the bathtub.

I know your balls
aren't manufacturing glue yet,

mine are.

If I wanna drop
a little paste, I will.

Benny, your glue stick

gets anywhere close to our girl,

and I will cut that shit off
and stick it to your head.

And I'll glue your asshole shut.

- Really? Really?
- Really. Really.

- Yeah.
- Really.

- Really.
- Yeah, well, she's not real,

- fucker, is she?
- Yeah, well,

neither is Boba Fett, fucker.

Fuck. Ow. Dude.


- That's sacred ground.
- Okay.

- Step off.
- Okay, I'm off.

I'm off. I'm off.

Just take Huffy home, all right?

- She's gonna be fine.
- Fucking work it out, man.

Suck on your mom's tits
or something.

Trust me, all right?

You know, I know a thing or two

about fixing sex toys.

Yeah, but you don't know
a thing or two

about being fucking friends.

I'm gonna ask you
a series of questions.

Just relax and answer them
as simply as you can.

Do you mind if I smoke?

It won't affect the test.

A good senator needs to be

both an outsider and an insider,

and I have been these things.

A good senator must know
when to cry and when to laugh,

and I have done these things.

This is crap.

Caroline, rewrite
this whole piece of shit

before the rally, okay?

We're gonna make mo...

Hey. There they are.

Look who's here.
All right.

The retarded men in black.

Don't speak.
Three days. Three days.

Would you do
something right, for crying...

Fucking Blowhard Idiots?

Tell me... Tell me
you know where she is.

Don't tell me, though, just nod.

Do you know where she is?

Help me.
Do you know who took her?

You know who took her, right?

Sort of.

Well, that's a big step forward.

All right.
Why don't we go there?

You take me to him, okay?

Maybe now would be good.
Or I could take you,

except that I don't know
where the fuck he is, do I?

This is why
government doesn't work.

This is delicious, honey.

Thank you.

- I love it.
- Thank you, Shaqobi.

- It's so good.
- Sit down.

- Sit down and eat your food.
- Sorry, I'm late.

- Sit down, eat your food.
- That's it?

He's not in trouble?

- What if I said I was late?
- Young lady,

if I ever hear you say
that you're late,

and that your monthly friend...

Hey, hey, hey.

No babies until you're 39.

- Do you understand me?
- Okay.


- All right.
- You get yourself a career.

You get yourself a good job,
and then you can have a baby.

But until then,
I don't wanna hear

nothing about late nothing.

First comes love,
then comes marriage.

Then comes a baby
in a baby carriage.

- You understand me?
- Mm-hmm.

I think that was
a little bit of transference.

I think.

- I just wanna pray on this.
- Okay.

Come on.
Take your mama's hand.

- I'm not taking her hand.
- Take your mama's hand.

I don't appreciate
this rebellion.

Not one bit.

- I...
- Don't give us another excuse.

Son, I'm dead serious.

I don't understand
where this is coming from.


- It's the Internet.
- It's the Internet.

And your P-O-R-N.

Don't think
we don't know about that.

But I don't appreciate
the hot-pants lady.

She doesn't usually wear pants.

That is it.
That is it.

It won't happen again.
Come here.


Hi, kiddo.
Senator Biter.

How are you?

Don't-Don't-Don't get up.

All right, I came to tell you

a little bedtime story,
but first:

crunchy sock.

How many times have you...
discharged into this one?

- It's not mine.
- Come on, don't do that.

Don't do that.
It's yours.

We both know it.
I know it and you know it.

What my dilemma was
when I was your age

was wash it or throw it out?

What do you do?

It depends...

on if I find a replacement.

I only use socks
that don't have partners.

This is gonna make you laugh.

I did the same thing.
I'm serious.

My hand to God.
How about that, huh?

You and I, we...

drop our loads
into orphan socks.

You remind me of me
when I was your age.

Mm. Takes me back.

Multiple erections every day.

I was ugly, much like yourself.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

I always knew
that no woman would ever...

satisfy my needs.

One of the things I used to do,

I used to put my pecker
into a cantaloupe.

Don't, I'm...
I bet you didn't know that.

It's absolutely true.

You put it an oven
for a half hour.

The cantaloupe, not my pecker.

A half hour...
At 250, by the way.

350, now, you're cooking it.

But no one's helped by that.

Half hour, 250.

Cut your hole.

Go to work.

I tell you something, Limus.

Every time I would mount
that cantaloupe,

I used to wonder

what a warm vagina felt like.

I still wonder.

Oh, yeah.

Bring Bardot back.

No, no, no, no, no, I want you

to bring Bardot back,
Limus, okay?

I know you're gonna do
this thing for me,

because this little talk

has gone far better
than I thought.

You and I
are birds of a feather, okay?

So, I want you
to bring her back, all right?

And then that's the end
of the bedtime story,

so there's nothing
to worry about.

Bring her back
first thing tomorrow, okay?

All right.

Now, put your head back
and go to sleep.

I'll tuck you in.

There you go.
Come on, now.

Here's something
my dad never did.

Here's something
we used to do all the time.

Bring her back.
How about that, huh?

How about that?

You bring her back.
How about that, huh?

You bring her back.

There's a happy ending
for everyone.

What would you like us to do?

Get smarter fast.

In place of that, stay here,
keep an eye out.

First thing in the morning,
he's gonna take you to her.

Then kill him.

No, wait.


I want to kill him.
Bring him by the house.

No funny business, you two.

I tried to fix her, man,

but the problem is,

she doesn't know she's a robot.

What do you mean
she doesn't know?

Yes, she does, Benny.
Quit it.

I'm telling you,
she doesn't know, man.

Maybe-Maybe she did.
I don't know.

I can't blame her.
Yeah, yeah, and she's fast.

- What?
- Yes.

- She's perfect.
- You can't tell her.

- Nobody's gonna tell her.
- Okay, just relax.

I don't think
we're gonna tell her.

I think what
we need to do is chemistry.

Relax. Relax.

I don't think
anyone's gonna tell her.

Oh, fuck.

I really wish we had
an invisible cloak right now.


Yeah, room 15, please.

There's got to be
fucking 40 guys out there.


Hey, my style of kung fu
can only drop a dozen men.

- We have no chance.
- Then we all die together.

You would die for me?

Huffy, I totally admire

your Bonnie and Clyde bit,

but coming from you,
it sounds totally stupid.

I'm bold, and she's beautiful,
and they're not getting her.

Yeah, hi, guys.

So, we know you're in there.

Why don't you come on out
with your hands up, okay?

With their hands up?


- We're not giving her up.
- Okay. All right.

Relax. Hey, motherfucker,
this is what we're gonna need.

He wants to talk to you.

He wants to place an order.


Three Twistee Treats,
three Cokes.

- Do you guys want a pizza?
- What the...

And one giant pizza.
One extra-large pizza.

- What?
- This is now

a hostage situation.

We make demands,
and they meet them.

So, you order Twistee Treats?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Hey.

It's a cheap last meal.

That's a good point.

After they bring the ice cream,

we're not giving her back.

Look, I totally understand
the love connection

between you both, but...

No. No, no, no.

Shh. Yes.

Motherfucker, how hard is it
to get Coke and pizzas?

Okay? Bullshit!

It's not caviar
and filet mignon.

That's it. That's it.
I am fucking pissed off.

You know what they're doing?

They're fucking trying
to smoke us out.

They are trying to fuck with us

until we break.

No, no, no.
Spoon Huff or something.

Let me get this.

You made your point

with the "caviar
and the filet mignon" line.


Listen. You come outside
and you get these cones,

or in two minutes
I'm sending all my men in,

and we're gonna separate you
from your cocks.


They want us
to come get our ice cream.

It's pretty good.

- Is it?
- Yep.

The sprinkle's delightful.


Whoo. Whoo.

- Brain freeze.
- Whoo.

I don't want to have

to go through this again,
all right?

- Do you have the plan?
- Yes, we have the plan.

In the eyes,
do you have the plan?

You go and kick some ass.

And we provide
moral encouragement

- from the sideline.
- Get your hands in.

- Leave me on the top.
- Okay.

I'm gonna pick the mantra.

♪ Everybody fight,
fight, fight ♪

- ♪ Kung fu fight ♪
- All right, good one.

Kung fu, don't fail me now.

Hey, Benny.
Ready to return our property?


Oh, B-B-Benny.

Esophagus assault.

Come on out, bitch.
Pour some sugar on me.

Mm-hmm, how many moves you think

it's gonna take me
to snap your neck?


Oh, fuck.

Does the name Frazier
ring a bell?

That, um, changes everything.

- Yeah.
- Drastically.

Um... All right, well,

let's just leave
through the bathroom.

Oh, shit.

Uh, okay.

Okay, um, I'm gonna lock myself

in my car, so...

You familiar
with Elian Gonzalez?

I am.

Let's go, Bardot.

What an unfortunate mustache.

- Okay.
- Benny?

- Check this out. Whoo-hoo.
- Bye, Benny.

♪ Time to get in,
Tetris style ♪

Let's go.

We can't breathe, butthole.

I need my inhaler.

Oh, that was nice of them.

Thanks for the glory hole,

Let go of me.

You're in no position
to make demands.

And what position would that be?


- What's going on?
- Whoa.

- Whoa.
- Let me see.

She's winning?
She's winning.

- Is she alive?
- Bardot! Bardot.

It's too dangerous for you boys

to be around me.

I'm sorry.
I have to go.

Hey! Bardot!

She's walking away.

- Oh, dude, a chain saw.
- Bardot, I mean...

Where are you going?

Where are you going?



Okay, okay, okay.
Just get out.

Should we castrate each other

or let the senator do it?


Looks like the bot
wants to bang a customer.

I wish all girls
were wired like this.

She just walked off.

- Why?
- I don't know,

but how about this?
I'll batter up for you,

because if Dick sees you
frying tears,

you know how that's gonna end.

Batter up, bitch.

You sick little fuckers.

- Oh, what the fuck?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, she's mine now.
- What did you do to her?

Everything you couldn't.

Where are you going?


Better to have
loved and lost, right?

You okay?

I've never felt
this kind of pain before.

- We need to get her back.
- How?

Rodney's party.

You know that pubic hair

around your butthole?

Say good-bye to it.

- Limus.
- Hey.

I just walked in on Rodney
cheating on me

- with that totally fake girl.
- What the fuck?

Oh, fuck.

- You're at my fucking party?
- You only raped a robot.

Come here, boys.
You fucking get the fuck out.

Oh, shit.

We thought it was an open party.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck you, boys.

One, two.

That's right.

- You fucking bitch.
- Leave my boys alone.


Next time,
pick on boys your own size.

Come on, boys.
I'm driving.

She's with us.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, my gosh.
You have so many SkyMiles.


- We could go to Kuala Lumpur.
- Uh-uh. Look right there.

"Amount due: $76,000."

- What have you been buying?
- I don't know.

Who's going
to the Colonial Motel?

It's not me!

"Colonial Motel."
Go on, look at that. Bang.

I think somebody might have
stolen my identity, baby.

Somebody stole my identity.

And who are they with,
with your identity?

- Colonial Motel.
- Baby,

- That place is...
- Ain't nobody humping around.

- Ain't nobody humping around.
- You mother...

It's not me. It's not me.

As a matter of fact, is it you?

Have you been
to the Colonial Motel?

Not in a long time.

Just to let you know,

- the men in black are back.
- What?

Who knew she could drive?

Thank you.
Can you freeze my account

until I figure out
where these charges came from?

I really appreciate that.
Thank you very much.

Praise God.
Praise God.


I told you she'd fucking crash.


You would die for me?

Praise the Lord you boys

were not hurt in that accident.

Now, would either one
of you boys

care to explain the $76,000

worth of charges
to Hot Bot Incorporated

and a $1,000 motel bill?

- No.
- I... It's obvious

the boys are in love
with each other.

Well, you could not be
more wrong, Mom.

You're actually a fucking idiot.

I am gonna graduate you
to a fist fuck

if you don't show some respect
for your fucking mother.

- Evil.
- Okay, whoa.

Don't you think
that's a tad harsh?

You know, if your son's stick
is in my son's mud,

I don't think a fist
is all that harsh.

I'm gonna agree with you there.

I think we all should embrace

our sons' love for each other.

- Oh, Christ.
- And language such as that

is not going to be tolerated.

Yes, I totally agree.

And if you two want to hold
each other's hands, it's okay.

Mom, I don't love Nard
in that way.

So what you're saying is that
it's just a sexual thing?

And I totally get that.

- Oh, absolutely.
- I get it.

In camp,
there weren't a lot of girls.

We'd go on long hikes,
and sometimes wake tip-to-tip.

- Tip-to-tip.
- Tip-to-tip.

- What?
- Pink tip. Sometimes...

We're just here
to support you, okay?

And Limus, I don't even care

that you've been
going in my closet

and taking some of my clothes.

You're probably wearing them

and doing that dress-up thing...

- Mom, no.
- ...that you do.

It's not like that.

Aw, son.
You play the bitch?

I don't... Oh, my God.

Dad, please stop using Google

and thinking
that you know everything.

Mom, I appreciate
that you're very supportive,

but you're very fucking wrong.

You too.
You all are dumb parents.

And the fact
that you touched tips

when you were a kid
is fucking weird.

Okay? We're just best friends
trying to hang out,

and we get beat up by assholes.

So, just give us
a fucking break!

I'd like to say
that I agree with him.

- That was fucked.
- That was brutal.

Cool guy.

You two, take a moment.

You're not gonna see
each other for a while.

How bad are you gonna get it?

Let's just say this, man.

I have an asshole

that my dad could tear up,
make it really painful.

But, because he's a terrible,
terrible human being,

he's gonna rip me a new one.

I'm gonna be pooping double.

Hey, man, I'm really sorry
about all of this.

All right, man,
um, I'm gonna head out,

and, well,
I guess I'll talk to you.


Talk to you tomorrow, probably?

I'll, uh...
I'll text you.


Minor software damage

with exterior cosmetic work.

Is she suffering?

I'm not.

Wipe her clean.

You hear what I'm saying?
Wipe her clean.

I don't want her to have
any memory of what happened.

Oh, God.

And don't leave her alone.

He does know
she's a robot, right?


Just fucking do that.

You are kicking my ass.


You okay, Limus?

You know how some people
fall in love with their cars?

I fell in love with a robot.

Rodney always loved my car
more than he loved me.

That's a really nice car.


Rodney and I are done.


I know how you feel.

She really messed
with both of our lives.

Yeah, I know.

I miss hanging with you, Huffy.

Me too.

Top secret?

I still love Star Trek.

I have the original
Enterprise blueprints.

Are you kidding me?

I think I bid on those on eBay.

I beat you.

Can I see them?

I'll even take them
out of the frame.

No. Oh, my God.

Baby, they just sent
more junk for my junk.

This one right here
is offering five inches

for the price of two.

I don't need
five extra inches, do I?

God, no, you don't.

Praise the Lord, no.


Li... Li, hey.

Uh, you brought this smut
in my house,

I want you to get it out
right now.


Son, you know I handle
a lot of people's baggage

every day, right?

Some big, some small,

some heavier than a dead donkey.


I'm telling you this
because I want you to know

that I can handle
any baggage you give me.

You understand what I'm saying?

I can handle any baggage
you give me, son.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Take the trash out.


Oh, you know what?
I'm gonna keep this.

I might have to go monster
on your momma's ass now.

That's my cue to go.

- Your momma's a freak, boy.
- Dad, stop.

- No, no.
- You need to recognize

that your momma is a freak.

"Senator Biter
cordially invites you

to join him
as he introduces the future."

All right.

Let's do it.

My Lincoln beard itches.

Your Lincoln beard

looks like a merkin.

A Lincoln beard is a merkin.

When I was in Congress,

I wasn't in it for me,
I was in it for you.

And when I joined the Senate

and soon to be
the four-term senator

when you reelect me...

when you reelect me soon,

I won't be in it for me,
I'll be in it for you.

And when I become president
of the United States,

and I will become president

of the United States,

it won't be for me,
it'll be for you.

Well, it'll be for me a little.

What the fuck is this place?

His guest bedroom, maybe?

It looks like a place
people get raped.

- Yeah.
- our schools

Even when these things
are important.

- Yeah, we should go.
- They're not important,

not against what
you're about to see now,

because I'm going
to show you the future,

and the future is beautiful.

Oh, shit. Dude.


Come on.
I came to emancipate you.

Bardot, come on.
It's me, Huffy.

Oh, shit.

I don't think
she remembers you, man.

I think she's been
completely wiped.

Let's just grab her,
and let's go, okay?

We'll figure it out.


I was completely wrong.

- Hey, look what we have here.
- Shit.

You look really nice. Okay.

I give to you

the greatest gift of all.

The future.

My friends,
please welcome my friend,

the future.


Fuck. Oh.

You knocked off my merkin.

- Okay.
- Hold them up.

We could've been friends, man.

We totally could've been...

- Benny!
- Death by double dildo.

Sit. Don't move.

Put the dicks down.

- Sit down.
- Oh, come on.

- You really wanna do this?
- Yeah, bring on the dick.

Come on.
That's it?

Come on, bring it.
Bring the dick.

Look at that.

Come on.

Come on,
get that out of your system

- and stop doing stupid shit
- Sys-Sys-System lock.

Like this, really.

Let's go.

Put those dicks in your pants
and come on.

- Ah.
- Ooh.

- See you guys later.
- What? Hold up.


Cover your eyes.
This ain't gonna be pretty.

Gross and awesome
at the same time.

I have no idea where we're going

or what we're doing next.

- Anyone?
- We're going to the airport.


Why are we going to the airport?

Because if I can't have you,

they can't have you.

- Where am I going?
- Somewhere where

they won't be able to find you.


I think
500,000 frequent-flier miles

should do the trick.

Unloading on deck only.


Let's get you guys
to your gate, okay?

Come on.

Let's get you to your gate.
Let's go.


Boy, you look good.
Way to go.

Goddamn, boy.

Sir, remove your shoes.

Hey, hey, man,
I have an earpiece, all right?

That lets me get through here.

And that and the jacket.

- Oh, whoa, hey, hey.
- No problem, guys.

Okay. Taking my shoes off.
Taking my shoes off.

All right?


I guess this is goodbye.

Minus the good part.

Thank you, Limus.

Hey, I'm gonna be okay.

I know that.
I know you will.

I'm sorry.

I, um...

love... Fell in...

I think...

With me?

The feeling is real.

Yes, it is.

I didn't think I could do that.


Fall in love.

How was that?

The best thing I ever felt
in my whole life.

Attention passengers.

Flight 16...

Own it.

Own what?

Your first everything.

Own it. I do.

You do?

Keep it real.

Batter, batter, batter up.
Can I take your order?

Can I take your order?

Yeah, I was
looking at the menu,

and I didn't see anything
I wanted.

What do you want?

A date with Limus Huffington.

Ooh, and a donut.


Well, jump in the cockpit,

Can you handle the deep fryer?

- You know I can.
- I'll miss you.

Jump in.

Han Solo

jumps in the Millennium Falcon.

- Hi.
- Hi.

And my donut?

Oh, sh...

I think he's had a heart attack.

And we're writing a song.

We're writing a song together.

It's called "Boot."

It goes... Let's just sing it.

♪ Damn, girl ♪

♪ Da booty don't stop ♪

Let's just stop the moping
around the house

'cause I can't take it anymore.

It's disgusting.

It not...
It doesn't please your mom.

I don't like it either.

I haven't had pussy
in a long time.


It's empowerment.

Female empowerment.


Women don't need
to be empowered.

Just stop it.


- I'm gonna throw up.
- Why?

Who did that? Zack.

- No. Did you fart?
- Oh, did you fart?

- I didn't fart.
- No, I'm keeping this

- locked up.
- What is wrong

with you fucking people?

Comedies are harder than dramas.