Hälsoresan - En smal film av stor vikt (1999) - full transcript

The risk with a sense of humor
is that people think you're joking.

SWEDISH LANDSCAPES SPEAK

In the series Swedish Landscapes Speak,
we're going to Dalarna

and its endless forests,
bluish mountains and roaring rivers.

You can see cheerful men are driving
the gold of the forest - timber.

It's a job for a real man.

GRANHEDSGÅRDEN
AUTHORIZED HEALTH ADVISORS

...27, 28, 29...

30, 31, 32,

33, 34 and swallow.

-Good morning, Dahlgren.
-Good morning.



-And how is your stool?
-Nice and firm.

-Good morning, Gudrun. Did you sleep well?
-No. I've got such a headache.

It's withdrawal from coffee. It will pass.

Don't forget the meeting.

This week, we only have two guests,
and you know what that means.

Either we'll go bankrupt,

or we'll restructure
and become a modern health spa.

I think we should change the name.
If you have any ideas, pipe up.

It should sound modern.

What's wrong with Granhedsgården?
It was good enough for Dad.

Well, something's wrong
as we don't have any guests.

Maybe "New Granhedsgården".

Kullagården have just changed their name.
It's "New Kullagården".

Good, right?



A THIN BUT WEIGHTY FILM

THIS FILM IS BASED ON A NUMBER OF
ASTONISHING NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

SCRIPT:
THE EVENING PAPERS AND LASSE ÅBERG

SOMEWHERE IN SCOTLAND

-Goodbye.
-Bye.

He's here five times a day.
He must be bulimic.

-No, maybe he's got the grandkids at home.
-Let's hope so for his sake.

NEW SWEDISH DIET
ARNE LOST 50 KG

Hi! Let me introduce myself.
Rebecka Melin.

Stig Helmer Olsson.

-Are you throwing a kids' party?
-No, not exactly.

Oh?

Okay. See you!

Authorized witch?

AUTHORIZED WITCH
HEALING - SHIATSU

OLE BRAMSERUD
ADVERTISING

Hi! We're here to see Ole Bramserud.

-Hello! Welcome.
-Hi.

-This is my lawyer, Claes Palmstierna.
-Ole Bramserud. This way.

-How are you getting on with golf?
-It takes too much time.

We're thinking two musicians
dressed up as chickens.

I'll sing and Niklas
will show you the images. Ready?

30 seconds starting now.

You're young, you're free
You're a chicken from the north

You're tender, you're a very tasty hen

Then there's a voiceover.
"Make sure you're serving Svea Broiler."

And the logo, the payoff.
"Svea Broiler - Your national dish."

-How do we make the chickens blue?
-We'll run them through Paintbox.

Everything is digital.

Then we'll zoom out, color, set
backgrounds, landscapes, sunsets.

We'll add more chickens if needed.
We'll do that in the edit.

That sounds expensive.

We'll have to expect 300,000-400,000 SEK
for technical expenses and editing.

That's in addition to the budget.

Can we actually afford to spend three
million kronor on a commercial?

You can't brake your way out of a crisis.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Were they in mourning?
They were dressed in black.

No, that's how they look
in the advertising business.

The Tokyo index rose by 3%,
and in Frankfurt it fell by 2.3%.

-I'm here with the laundry.
-Hi, Mom!

What are we going to do with you,
Stig Helmer?

You can't sit and watch TV all day
like a couch potato.

And look at you!
You used to be so nice and slim.

-You should join the Weight Hunters.
-What?

Elsa lost 15kg.

Your fingers are yellow.

-You haven't started smoking, have you?
-No. That's from the Cheetos.

-That's junk food.
-The Stockholm index is down by 0.2%.

Why are you watching this?
You don't have any shares?

-The remote is broken.
-I don't know what to say.

I'll vacuum next week.
Can you tidy up before then?

Yes.

She wasn't really your type.

Bye. Take care.

Bye.

-Hello!
-Hello.

Sorry to disturb you, but would you
help me move some things?

Sure.

-Do you have a cat?
-Cat? No.

It sounded just like a trapped cat.

Maybe it's from upstairs.

-You shouldn't have cats in the city.
-No.

-This is where I live.
-This is nice.

-What's that sound?
-Whale song.

-I listen to it when I meditate.
-Right.

It's heartbeats. Here, you should
experience what you heard before birth.

Oh! I want you to help me move my bed.

The energy is negative where it is now.

-Have you heard of feng shui?
-No.

It's energy fields. Curry lines.

- Oh?
-Yes.

Okay. Push the bed towards me, just bit.

That's good.

No, this doesn't feel good.

Too much sha qi from that corner, I guess.

I almost knew that. East.

-It doesn't work with my kua number.
-Really?

No, we'll have to try again. Pull it
toward you. Careful with the parquet

There. That's good.

This feels good,
if I put a bagua toward the corner.

What's your star sign? Don't say anything.

You're a Taurus, aren't you?

-Yes. How did you know?
-You move like a Taurus.

-What date?
-May 5th.

Two fives?
I would never have thought that.

You know, you're romantic
and you like the limelight.

Well, I don't know about that.

I'll give you an aura photograph
as a thank you.

Put your hand here. There you go.

I'm going to photograph your aura,
it's your magnetic energy field.

Say "cheese"! I'm just kidding!

How strange!

You almost don't have an aura.

You've got an imbalance
in you chakra system.

You seem to have blocked energy
in sahasara, that's the crown chakra.

You happened to blink.

-Are you sad in some way?
-Well, I'm not exactly happy.

-You need therapy.
-No, I don't know about that.

Think about it. I can coach you.

-Coach?
-Yes.

Become your personal guide.

71kg. Wow! You've lost eight kilograms.

Fantastic!
Can you tell us how you've done it?

My mom's been visiting for two weeks.
She thinks I'm too fat.

That makes me angry and sad.
Then I clean, then we fight.

I guess cleaning is good exercise.

Camilla.

77kg.

Well... You've gained two kilograms.

-We'll have to try again.
-Invite your mom.

THE WEIGHT HUNTERS

-Hi.
-Hi! How did it go?

So embarrassing! Everybody
seems to lose weight except for me.

And it's expensive too! 4,000 kronor.

You get to weigh yourself every two weeks
in front of an audience.

And you get a booklet with dieting tips.

You can weigh yourself at my house
for 2,000 without an audience.

I'll stop going to Weight Hunters
and start a serious diet.

-70kg!
-Good girl!

That tells us nothing's
happened in the world.

Some curry lines...

Some sha qi.

And some negative energy.

And some feng shui.

And a dash of therapy!

And some whale song.

To sea, at storms
Every man's watchful

To sea

-Hi.
-Hi, Stig Helmer!

I've brought something
that might cheer you up a bit.

-Here. It's the latest.
-Oh?

-Let's press here. Height? 1.9m?
-Yes.

Sex? Male, or...?

There, just get on it. Go ahead.

-On that?
-Yes.

You weigh 102kg. Body mass index: 28.

Recommended daily calorie intake:
Six-seven megajoules if sedentary.

If active, 10 megajoules. Have a good day.

-Fantastic, isn't it?
-Well...

If it's rude, just take the batteries out.

-Anything else? A new job?
-No, I think I'm too old for that.

Too old? Stig Helmer, don't give up.

As I've told you,
life is full of possibilities.

You're a man in your prime.

But maybe a bit too pregnant.

Something like this?

I was after something funnier.

Well. What should we get you then?
This one.

Not too bad.

-Yes?
-Do you have chicken costumes?

Yes. Follow me.

-With or without an eggshell hat?
-Pardon me?

An eggshell hat.

-We've sold a lot of these.
-Without, I think.

A whole hood with a beak,
or just a beak?

A whole hood, please.

Any accessories? Beeping egg basket?

An inflatable crest?

-Hi, Ole.
-Hi, Stig Helmer.

I hope they'll do.

Great. Perfect. Thank you.

Okay, guys, would you put these on?

Sick. Sick jacket.

Is it genuine? I mean, old?

I bought it in 1970.

It's just so in. Let me show you.

-We did a shoot for Wallpaper yesterday.
-You've always been in, Stig Helmer.

What?

-Playback.
-You're tender, you're free, you're--

Cut. You're too close to each other.

Svea Broiler, take eleven.

And playback!

You're young, you're free
You're a chicken from the north

-You're tender
-Microphone visible!

Cut!

-Svea Broiler, take 37.
-Playback.

You're young, you're free
You're a chicken from the north

One hen per ten square meters!
We're done for.

The damn EU! Soon, every chicken
will get its own toilet and shower.

The Danes have dumped the price
per kilogram for broilers to zero.

No.

No, this won't do. It's finito.

And we've just brought in
two metric tons of chicken feed.

Maybe we should accept
the Danes' shamefully low offer.

-Or cancel our payments?
-And go bust? Hell no!

I have to cancel the ad, so we don't get
that Norwegian breathing down our necks.

How does our insurance look?

We're insured up to the full value.

Why are you asking?

Well, in case something happens.

Hi! Nice to get of the treadmill at work?

-Hi, Roger! Okay!
-You're late. Busy?

Yes, I'm filming
a complicated commercial.

-Oh? Let's do the usual training.
-Yes.

Good, Ole! Come on!

A bit slower on the way back, and bend
your elbows a bit.

-Like that?
-Perfect.

Sorry, that's mine.

Bramserud Advertising.

What?

Is that so?

Yes.

Yes, okay.

I'm not doing a complicated film. Damn it!

-What's up?
-I've lost sensation in my arm.

That's not good.
I have a friend who is a cardiologist.

-What's that?
-A heart specialist.

-Ole Bramserud.
-Nurse Kristian. Dr. Westerberg is there.

Oh!

-Ole Bramserud.
-Karin Westerberg.

-You're not Swedish, are you?
-No.

It's nothing serious,
but you're at risk of burning out.

The new trendy disease?

I'm sorry, but you aren't 20 anymore.

Take it easy both at work and at the gym.

Go for brisk walks instead.

-Go away for a week to get pampered.
-Can I avoid a walker?

-I've cooked a chicken for you.
-Don't say that word.

The broiler factory is going to hell.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

-What's that?
-I'm on a diet.

What method is it this time? The pineapple
method? The flight attendant method?

You can hold your phone
longer than you can stick to a diet.

It smells exactly like our chicken feed.

What does one of those boxes cost?

590 kronor.

590 kronor?

Do you know what it costs to produce?
No more than two to three kronor.

590 kronor...

Place both feet on the scales
to ensure an accurate weigh in.

Body mass index 14. You've lost 49kg.
Congratulations.

You weigh 142kg.

Body mass... Body mass ind... Body mass...

Hands up!

What are you doing? Are you crazy? Why
are you running around with a golf club?

I thought you were a burglar.
They burgled the Lundins last week.

Aren't you meant to eat at set times?

And especially no concentrated sauces
straight from the packet.

You're meant to dilute it with water.

Bruno, what should I do?
I can't take this anymore.

Go away for a week. You can go
to a health spa for a few weeks.

Otherwise we have to buy a refrigerator
with a time lock.

Good night.

Lift your feet. There.

Therapy?
I've never heard anything so crazy.

Wasting money on that,
given that you're unemployed.

Nobody in our family
has done that sort of thing.

And at a care facility!

-A health spa, Mom.
-That's the same thing.

Is it that Norwegian guy again?

No!

No, those Cheetahs are stuck again.

It's Cheetos, Mum. Not cheetahs.

-I'll be back at three.
-Hey...

What do we do with these?

Send them back to Anderhage,
so I don't have to look at them.

-And don't say the word "chicken."
-No, boss.

I'm feeling better. Are you
going to the alternative convention?

-No, I've got a job at Granhedsgården.
-What?

-Will you be peeling carrots?
-No.

They're changing. They're doing
a themed week: The Whole Human.

-How much do I owe you?
-625 plus tax.

-Do you accept card?
-Of course.

-Do you like it here?
-The place has good vibes.

-What are the neighbors like?
-One is going to Granhedsgården.

A clear therapy case.

She? He...

An unemployed, mother-fixated bulimic
that you have to drag things out of.

-So he doesn't dare show his emotions?
-Exactly. I'm going to coach him.

That will be a challenge.

I want to welcome Dr. Levander.

I'm sure you've seen
his TV show or read his books.

Full in the right way or I can fly!

We'll sell these in reception. - Go ahead.

Thank you, Ulla.

Ladies and gentlemen, the trend in modern
health care is themed weeks.

But now we can offer the soul
a bit of massage too.

Potato water is great, but contemporary
humans need more than raw food.

So, I've listed activities that should be
available at a modern health spa.

Let's start with stress management.

Basic yoga, tai chi,
qi gong, kinesiology, light therapy,

TENS massage, rebirthing,
rose therapy, seaweed massage,

shiatsu therapy and liberating dance.

Then there's the fitness part.

We've got aerobics, step-up,
spinning, aqua aerobics,

mantra jogging,
mud and aromatherapy masks.

And this year's new thing
is underwater speakers with dolphin song.

And finally, the experience part.

We can offer presentations on cosmology,
mentalism, pulse walks,

-hot coal walks and survival courses.
-What the hell?

Another new thing is that our guests
can take their pets with them.

They'll get their own dietician
and psychologist.

The dog jacuzzi is very appreciated.

Last, but not least, food!

Our target audience demands more than raw
grated carrots, if you know what I mean.

We understand.

-Question?
-Ping-pong yoga...

-Quiet, Nisse.
-Qi gong.

They're doing a theme week.
"The whole human."

But you want to be halved, Stig Helmer.

-So, you think we should do it?
-Absolutely.

You need to lose weight
and I need to calm down.

"Full board with food. 5,000."

"Full board without food, 7,000."

I don't want to be rude, but I'd choose
the fasting option if I were you.

-Aren't you doing that?
-No. I need to eat more fat.

I was getting reverse scurvy.

Next time I see my dietician,
I'll smack him with a pork fillet.

Now we're going to have dessert.
It may be the last time we see a dessert.

-What the hell are you doing?
-Scraping my tongue.

It improves your breath.
If you'd happen to get a kiss.

-Did you fall for that?
-I read it in the paper. Worth trying.

-I bought you this.
-What the hell is it?

-"Potency patch."
-It's a potency band aid.

Where do I put them? Over my eyes?

-That's snide.
-Why?

Look at you. Arousing, right?

I did your horoscope.
Don't do any big deals this month.

What is that bullshit? Horoscope?
Is this the Middle Ages?

Do as you please.

But a lot of big companies hire
astrologists before important deals.

-But you do as you please. Good night.
-Kisses.

And we'll go a bit slower.

And go faster again.

And slow down.

It's the change of pace,
the interval training,

that improves aerobic capacity
and burns fat.

We've also got a normal bike,
and beautiful nature outside.

-I thought we'd finished discussing that?
-Sure.

-I'm flying up to the broiler factory.
-Will you be home for dinner?

If I do, I'll let you know. Don't pull a
muscle as you did with the rowing machine.

You know that I don't like flying.
Is this necessary?

Do something about it. Talk to Levander.

It's safer than driving.
And I need flight hours.

I'll show you something.
I've got a genius idea.

This... is my idea.

Have you dragged me all the way up here
to show me chicken feed?

Calm down.

This is worth five million kronor,
give or take.

What do you mean?

Swedes are eating tons of chips on their
couches and are getting fatter and fatter.

Then I came up with it.

Diet chips.

-Diet chips?
-Yes.

You can munch on chips
without a bad conscience. It's genius!

What will we use to make the chips?

The two metric tons of chicken feed
left over from the broiler factory.

We'll soon be rid of the factory.

One bag costs 75 kronor.

That's a mark-up of 9,925 kronor per bag.

How are you going to get people
to eat chicken feed?

People will eat any crap, won't they?

When I studied at business school,
we had a party with Woof as snacks.

People ate lots.

-Woof?
-It's dried dog food.

-I'll be damned!
-This is fraud.

-You're criminally liable.
-No, it's actually not.

I've had the crap that Camilla eats
analyzed. That's the same thing.

It's ground fish bones, minerals,
vitamins. It's the same crap. Genius!

Welcome to the health industry, son.

What do you think people will say
about gurus and mumbo jumbo types

dragging the Stockholm folks out
into the woods for survival courses?

No, Ulla. What the hell, Ulla?

Look at this.

After our last advertising run, we're
fully booked weeks 28, 29, 30, 31.

-People can say what they want.
-Sure, sure.

Go to the kitchen and do your thing,
and I'll sort the rest out.

I'm just saying this...
Dad should have seen this.

Well, Dad. I hope they have linseed
and wheat bran in heaven.

-Say hi to Camilla.
-Hey!

Could you convince Camilla
to check in at a health spa for a week?

-Just so she gets out. She's desperate.
-I'll call her.

The chips need to
contain something Japanese too.

Seaweed and that kind of crap.

And something that blocks uptake of fat.

That's the newest thing. That will sell.

I think you should spend your energy
on the broiler factory instead.

Before it ruins us.

I'll deal with that
in the best way possible.

-Here. They'll be here soon.
-But what the hell?

Hey, I thought we'd discussed this.
It could be great PR.

Both of the local newspapers are coming.

Don't be such a reactionary all the time.

Stop messing with me.

Each day is like a golden bowl
Filled to the brim with wine

So drink my friend, drink sun and scent
For the day is just yours

Through her initiative, Ulla Lundgren

created jobs
and made our municipality known.

An entrepreneurial spirit
that our area really needs.

Hereby I declare
Gustav Vasa Spa inaugurated.

DR. LEVANDER
AFFIRMATION AGAINST FEAR

We'll try to rewire your brain.

Put your index finger in the first hole.

That's right. Now, take a deep breath.

Then you'll express your intention,
your positive statement.

-"I'm safe when I'm flying."
-I'm safe when I'm flying.

Then you exhale.

Then you move your finger to the next
hole, and you repeat the whole thing.

-I'm safe when I'm flying.
-And exhale.

Do this at least twice a day,
ideally alongside meditation.

Meditation?

I don't do that mumbo jumbo.

You can always
find a quiet moment to do it.

-How is business going?
-Well, it's up and down.

We got a broiler factory in bad financial
shape when we took over Invectum.

But now we're in the health food industry.

-How about you?
-I'm not complaining.

There's phobia, hypochondria,
fixation with looks... It never ends.

Crises is not a business in crisis.

Bruno and I would like to talk to you
about a collaboration.

Do you know what I've done?
I bought a pair of rubber pants.

-What? Are you taking up diving?
-No, they remove cellulite.

-What is Bruno saying?
-We don't sleep in the same room.

-He says I snore.
-You're snoring? Men!

Sweet of you to join me at the health spa.

It will be interesting.

But it's Bruno and Claes
who should go away for a week.

Overweight men of that age
are like time bombs.

Don't say that.

Bruno says the only exercise he gets
is as a pallbearer

at the funerals
of his friends who exercise.

He does not intend to die in good shape.

So?

"SlimQuick". Who has developed this?

Experts have done it.

-Has it been tested?
-We've done extensive animal testing

SLIMQUICK
DIET CHIPS

Diet chips.

-That sounds interesting.
-Yes.

VEGANS SABOTAGE MEAT TRANSPORT
WEARING CHICKEN COSTUMES

Unbelievable!

Some vegans have damaged
some of Scan's trucks again.

According to witnesses
they were dressed as chickens.

Good that nothing like that
has happened to you.

Chickens!

Aren't you taking your vitamins?

I'll take them later.

Have a good time at Gustav Vasa Spa.
Say hi to Inger.

I would have flown you up,
but I've got lots on.

Yes, like chickens! Yes.

Just like our damn commercial.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Sweden must be 95% forest.

You've got a lot of stuff.

Compass, thermometer,
incline meter, altitude meter, clock,

air conditioning, radio, GPS navigation.

It says we're close to Brännforsen.

-Yes, I know.
-How do you know?

It says on that sign.

Reading signs is cheating, Stig Helmer.

Gustav Vasa Spa.
Okay, Stig Helmer, the torture may begin.

-Hi, Stig Helmer.
-Hi.

-Hi. I'm Rebecka.
-Ole.

-Was your journey good?
-I got motion sickness, but I took pills.

-It's probably psychosomatic.
-Yeah.

-We'll cure that.
-Is that right?

-See you.
-Bye.

-Was it therapy?
-Yes.

Congratulations!

-I always pack too much.
-That's not too bad.

This is my little bag.

God, it's nice!

And expensive.
We could have gone to Barbados.

He's smuggling food in.

-How do you know?
-I know his type.

Do you remember the guy
who had roast beef in his toiletry bag?

-Yes.
-I caught one who had hidden pancakes.

-No...
-It's unbelievable.

I'm Ulla. Welcome to Gustav Vasa Spa.

We'll start by introducing our staff.

Anna gives classes in liberating dance,
tai chi and qi gong.

Rebecka is in charge of shiatsu therapy.

And Rainbow
manages the vegetarian kitchen.

And there's Linda, our dietician
who has created this welcome drink.

And Nils, my brother.
He's a jack of all trades.

And we have some rules.
Gustav Vasa Spa is completely drug free.

This means that toxins such as alcohol,
nicotine, caffeine...

...are banned!

No more lethal substances,
just nourishing foods.

Those of you who are fasting will smell
bad to start with.

It's the toxins coming out.

Those of you on a raw food diet
will get a lot of gas.

That's because your intestines
are used to blood, meat and corpses.

You'll counter this
with an obligatory enema.

Once per day.

You'll buy your personal spout
at the reception.

Write your name on it,
so it doesn't get lost.

Or gets stolen. After that,
you attach the spout from behind.

Then you literally turn the hose on.

Okay?

One more thing.
Turn your phones off, please.

It's so warm.

Lovely.

To get to know each other,
I suggest that you join hands.

And we'll sing a song together.

What sort of nonsense is this?
It's not kindergarten.

Åke, it's just
so we get to know each other.

Sleep you little calorie

Soon you will be eaten

And in the stomach's darkness

You'll be dissolved and forgotten

It's like printing money! I'm a genius!

We've only made traditional raw food here.

It will be exciting to see
what you come up with.

-Rainbow has published this cookbook.
-"The esoteric kitchen."

So dad's cookbook
isn't good enough anymore?

Oh? Did your dad also write cookbooks?

Yes, but it's very traditional.

"Rye makes you strong." Right.

Buying shares in high risk projects in
the Eastern Bloc, let's give that a miss.

That's it for tonight.
We're back in two weeks,

and we'll talk about diet substances and
businesses that target overweight people.

We'll scrutinize "The Diet King."

The man who has sold sugar pills for
millions to overweight Swedes.

Thanks.

I should have pressured
the stock broker more.

Yeah, a slippery bastard.

-Here.
-Diet chips.

I've been annoyed with him
for a long time. We'll check him out.

Find out who the manufacturer is,
and have that crap analyzed.

-I'm a bit skeptical about this.
-Really?

-Are you a believer?
-Believer?

I mean crystal therapy and horoscopes.

No. It could be fun to see what it is.

I'm mainly here to take it easy and rest.

My friend was coming here,
so I tagged along.

What do you do
when you're not a lady in waiting?

I run a little business.

A small advertising agency.
Bramserud Advertising.

-I'm Bramserud.
-Inger.

But I'm thinking of retiring.
Stress less and read all my books.

And go for invigorating walks, maybe.

My ex-husband started walking 10km per day
when he turned 40.

Nobody has seen him since.

Oh?

-Are you married?
-No, not as far as I can remember.

Maybe to work.
But we're getting a divorce.

-What about you?
-No, not at present.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

That looks tasty. What is it?

-It's broccoli water.
-The Italian cuisine.

-What's key gong?
-It's pronounced "chi" gong.

Chinese workout. Karate in slow motion.

Some emperor banned martial arts.

Then somebody
came up with doing it slowly.

Now, I'm chopping your head off.

And now, I'm poking your eyes out.

Snail karate.
After many years of training,

you can use your hands and feet
to make incredibly bad movies.

Have you seen Rainbow?

I think he went...

that way.

I think he's by the vegetable patch.

We're living in a universal energy field.

You can measure that with a SQUID,
a magnetometer.

-SQUID?
-Yes.

Your aura is energy that attracts energy.

We need to recharge sometimes.

A good way of doing that is to hug trees.

Trees are generous with their energy.

If you feel silly, you can always lean
your back on the tree instead.

That's exciting.

Greet the tree in your thoughts.
Imagine that you're in the tree.

-Feel the roots of the tree in the ground.
-What the hell?

And feel how the canopy
gathers strength from the sun.

No. Hugging trees!

Yes, it's better than nothing. Right?

Yes, it's beautiful in a way.

Hug me, Stig Helmer. Hug me.

Stig Helmer? I thought
you could start therapy this afternoon.

-Sure.
-Make sure your clothes aren't too thick.

Of course.

-Ole and I have scheduled a mud bath.
-We'll do the therapy afterwards.

-But have a shower before you turn up.
-Yeah!

-There.
-Thanks.

You've got some dandruff, so I'll do a
treatment with lavender and eucalyptus.

I'll stimulate the acupuncture points
to prevent future baldness.

-Oh?
-Done!

Then there was the biodynamic cucumber.
Close your eyes.

It pulls out toxins and reduces wrinkles.
There you go.

Relax properly now.
I'm going to leave you for a while.

But don't waste your time.
Do your pelvic floor exercises. Okay?

Okay, boss.

I feel like a pâté sandwich.

Rebecka is cute, for a witch.

-She looks more like a baby troll.
-Yeah.

Tell me about your childhood.
What was your dad like?

Well, he was like other dads.

Or maybe not quite.
You could say he was disabled.

-In what way?
-He only had one arm.

He had a band with his brother.

The Olsson Brothers Dixie Jazz Band.

Uncle Henry played the saxophone
and Dad played the drums.

-With one arm?
-Yes. It went quite well.

-But he couldn't do drum rolls.
-I can see why.

But then he invented something.

You could say that you're undelivered.

Your problems
become tensions in your body.

Unexpressed sorrow and anger
become like a muscle armor.

-You need to get some aggression out.
-Oh?

So, lie down. Like that.

Bring both arms up. Like that.

No, wait...

I want you to try to push me away.

I'm going to try to pin you down.
I want you to push me away.

-Like that.
-Hey...

-Right, try hard now.
-No...

Try hard!

Wait, you've got broccoli in your
mustache. Push hard!

Stop it.

-Say that you're a wimp.
-No!

-Say that you're a wimp.
-Stig Helmer gets beaten by a girl.

You're the wimp.

-Pardon me, what did you say?
-What?

Nothing, I think.

-That felt good.
-Good. Good energy.

You've got a lot of aggression
that needs to come out.

You're a unique man, Stig Helmer.

-You're an only child, right?
-Yes.

Did you play with other kids?
Did you play soccer and stuff?

Yes, but I wasn't that good.

What are you doing?

If you're going to be a post, stand still.
Otherwise you can't play.

-How is the fasting feeling?
-I'm a bit dizzy.

That's because a lot of toxins
have left your body.

You ate a lot of junk food,
like sausages, right?

Yes.
I had a really strange dream last night.

I'm Ole Bramsewurst.
Eat me, Stig Helmer, if you dare.

I'm deliciously dripping and greasy.
Eat me!

You shouldn't eat things that have eyes
and that can have children.

I haven't thought about it that way.
So, you're a vegetarian?

No, I'm a fruitarian. I only eat fruit.

The highest fat food I eat is bananas.
But I don't eat them for other reasons.

-United Fruits and pesticides. You know.
-Yeah.

-It's so beautiful here.
-Yes.

Evenings like this
make me long for Norrland.

-Where are you from?
-I'm from Härnösand.

I'm worn out after the aqua aerobics.

Are you ironing? Aren't you ambitious?

-What are you doing?
-Wait.

Zimzalabim... Espresso!

God, that's good!
I'm going crazy without coffee.

There are limits to this torture.

That Norwegian guy seems nice.

What? You don't like the survival expert?

-Unseen?
-I don't know.

I'm trying to get a hold of Bruno,
but the line is engaged.

He and Claes are up to something.

The Yanks spend 30 times more on dieting
than the UN spends on famine relief.

-How is our little project going?
-It's brilliant.

-30,000 boxes.
-Is that so?

Hey, have you thought about my radical
solution to the broiler problem?

Yes. You're lacking in morals
and you have too much imagination

-Why?
-It's criminal.

You need to have my back.
You're as involved as I am.

Bitch.

-What is it?
-Can you pick the guru up?

He'll arrive on the 2 p.m. train.

-What does he look like?
-I don't know. Somewhat oriental.

-Oriental?
-Yes.

1.98m tall, blond, carrying
a grocery store bag... I don't know.

-Make a sign and hold it up.
-Fine.

-I wonder if we'll dance in pairs.
-Hardly. Do you like dancing?

You bet! I was the Fred Astaire of Oslo
15-20kg ago.

-Do you?
-Yes. If I get to choose my partner.

I don't like men squeezing me and licking
my ear as if it were their right.

But I can make exceptions.

-This will be interesting.
-Yes, very.

Ginger Rogers must have been
a lot better than Fred Astaire.

She did the same as him,
but backwards and in high heels.

Why do you participate
when you're so negative all the time?

Because we've paid
a hell of a lot of money for this week.

And it was actually your idea.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

We'll start by working with the breath.

Put one hand on your belly
and the other one on your back.

Take a deep breath.

All the way down to your pelvic floor.

Feel that it's like a thread
going through the whole body,

all the way up to the crown of your head,
and it pulls you up towards the cosmos.

You're suspended by the thread and you're
spinning around towards the cosmos.

And breathe.

Relax your arms and really hang down.

The first phase is the flow.

Each movement is followed by another one.

It's just like the infinity eight
in tai chi.

The movement is constant
and is repeated again and again.

And breathe.

The next phase is chaos.

Release everything you're feeling.

Viswanathan Raj?

Yes... Viswanathan Raj.

-Dad not speak Swedish.
-No, but is he a yoga teacher?

Not understand.
We are here to pick berries.

-Gustav Vasa?
-What?

This one thinks I'm Gustav Vasa.

-Excuse me... Viswanathan Raj?
-Gustav Vasa?

Don't close your eyes for the invisible.
Or something like that.

He who looks outside is dreaming.

He who looks inside is awakening.

Om namah shivaya

Om namah shivaya

Om namah shivaya

Om namah shivaya

Om namah shivaya

Oh, my!

I've never seen anything like this.

What?

Something has happened with you,
Stig Helmer.

You've got an incredibly strong
cosmic energy in your crown chakra.

A red aura symbolizes the seventh sense,
change and psychological strength.

You're on your way towards something new.

Your eyes are closed.

-Do you want mine?
-No, thanks, I'm okay.

What's your goal this week?

I thought I'd get rid of this.

I weighed myself this morning.
I'd put on 200g.

Is that so?

I must be the only person in the world
who puts weight on while fasting.

-Are you taking the survival course?
-Yes. I wonder what we'll get to do.

-Yes.
-Thank you.

I feel like a new man.
Not a chicken for several days.

-What, did you eat a lot of chicken?
-It's a long story.

-I'm dreading this.
-It could be a few more kilograms.

It's interesting.
You really get to see who you are.

I hope to see myself thinner.

The theme of the course is
praeparatus supervivet .

It means:
"The one who is prepared survives."

We'll spend a couple of days in one of
Sweden's biggest wilderness areas.

The only thing
you'll take with you is a knife.

Here. Empty your pockets
and put the things in this bag.

Oh, Camilla...

-Here you are. A knife.
-Thanks.

Yes. Knife.

Is there anything else? What is that?

A GPS navigation device.
A satellite thing.

-Knife.
-Can I take two?

-No, take one.
-Thanks.

Okay, we'll do some easy white water
kayaking. A couple of kilometers.

I suggest that two people
go in each kayak.

Try to keep the kayak in the direction of
travel. Paddle where the water is fastest.

It's deepest there.

Okay, guys. You'll go first.

-Thanks.
-Okay. Here we go!

Next team.

Beep, beep, Jan.

-Good luck!
-Good luck to you!

It seems wobbly.

Try to paddle at the same pace!

-Grab the oars, Åke.
-Relax.

We'll interrupt the broadcast
for a message from Svensk Hydro.

As previously announced, the dam
of the power station will open at 1 p.m.

because they are cleaning the turbines.
This is a warning to the public.

Oh, my God!

-Take this.
-Thank you.

Hello?

What?

-What are the guys in the kayak called?
-Stig Helmer and Ole.

Stig Helmer and Ole! Come back!

Come back!

-What's going on?
-The power station has opened the dam.

Wait here. I'll try to get downstream.

Oh, my God!

-There's a lot of water.
-Try paddling at the same pace as me!

Hold on, Stig Helmer!

What?

No. No trace of them.

They must be further down the river.

Thanks.

"Easy whitewater kayaking!"

I'm never doing this again.

Well... It looks like the others have
changed their minds.

So it's just you and me, Stig Helmer.

Talk about survival course.

I wonder what hard
whitewater kayaking is like.

Maybe it's without a paddle.

A big steak with fries
would be nice right now.

-But you won't get one, you're fasting.
-What?

No, I'm sorry, Stig Helmer.
It's fine, they'll find us soon.

You know they have thermal cameras
and stuff.

-Yeah...
-Wow!

Foxberry!

-Yuck!
-This isn't foxberry.

-This is a bearberry. Arctystaphylos.
-Arctys...

Here, you can eat this.

It's common polypody. Polypodium.

-Where did you learn all this?
-In the Scouts.

-I was in the Beaver Patrol.
-The Beaver Patrol? Stig Helmer...

Whoops...

-How are you?
-Fine.

It's just the cucumber that's missing.

We have to dry our clothes.

-Did you learn how to make a fire?
-Yes.

If we take the glass from our watches
and put water between them,

they form a burning lens.

Then we'll look for tinder fungus.

-Tinder fungus?
-Fomes fomentarius.

-Do you know the all the plants in Latin?
-No, not all of them.

But we had to learn
to get the woodcraft badge.

Stig Helmer, Stig Helmer...

The police called.

They've flown a helicopter
to look along the river. Nothing.

If you say "I told you so,"
I'll strangle you.

They've found the kayak
by the Brännforsen rapids.

My God! That's 60km away.

Here.

What's on the menu?

Spruce shoots, wood-sorrel,
chanterelles and pine resin.

And that's edible?

The resin is more like chewing gum,
so it just subdues hunger.

But spruce shoots and wood-sorrel
contain a lot of vitamin C.

You didn't happen to find a bottle of
Chablis Premier Cru -82 under a rock?

No.

Oh, what a day.

Shame it wasn't sunny. We'll have to
make a burning lens another time.

-It feels like you like it here.
-Yes. I liked hiking.

-Hiking?
-Yes, excursions with the scouts.

And I played in the forest
when I was a kid.

It's a long time since I saw
such harmony in you.

I don't think it's just the forest.

It's Rebecka too, right?

She's fun, but she's weird in a way.

-Yes, you are a good fit.
-What?

You're also fun, but weird in a way.

-What a strange week.
-Yes.

But they're out there somewhere, I think.

It's typical.

As soon as you meet a nice man,
he disappears.

-Body lotion?
-Not exactly.

Whisky.

Emergency supplies.

-Did you bring everything?
-Yes.

-Spray cans and all?
-Yes.

-Is this necessary?
-It's watertight. Put the gloves on.

-The wings, you mean?
-Yeah, yeah.

-And you haven't seen anything.
-No, nothing.

Hey... We'll be seen
on that surveillance camera.

That's the intention. Why do you think
we're wearing these suits?

-Put your nose on!
-The beak.

Yeah, yeah.

Shh!

Look!

What the hell?
A character from kids' TV.

Out!

Out!

No, they're not exactly minks.

But we have to get them out
before blowing the building up.

The car you said, not the building.
You're crazy.

That old crappy car won't give us
insurance money. Keep working.

There. Grab this and spray something
on the car. They always do that.

What are you writing?

-"Swine," I was thinking.
-Don't write "swine" on a broiler truck!

-Write "murderers" or something.
-Right.

SMURDERERS

-"Smurderers."
-Yeah, yeah. Come on now.

-What do we do with these?
-Put them in the bag.

-We'll dump them later.
-Okay.

-Hold tight! It will blow up now!
-Really?

Damn, what a bang!

I'm in the wrong business.
That's some hot chicken wings.

-What are you playing with?
-What?

-What are you playing with?
-Nothing.

Stig Helmer, wake up.

Listen! Listen to that!

Maybe they're looking for us.

Come!

Wave.

-We can dump this crap here.
-What?

We can dump this crap here!

Did you see that?
Maybe it's grub. Come on!

I recognize that yellow.

Starvation is making me hallucinate.
Wake me up.

But isn't this...? I mean, I bought...

Somebody up there is messing with us.

-They're warm and dry. Aren't you cold?
-Yes.

Your clothes don't matter, especially not
if you're having a nightmare.

Militant vegans blew up
a broiler factory in Österåsen.

The police have not found
the perpetrators.

That's Bruno's factory.

Two people are presumed dead
in an accident at the Brännforsen rapids.

Their kayak has been found downstream
from Brännforsen rapids.

Now, the sports news.

I know that they're alive. I can feel it.

-Damn mosquitos!
-Maybe we should put the hoods on?

-They'll protect us a bit.
-Why not?

This must be the best way to diet.

-This is a business idea, Stig Helmer.
-What?

Bramserud & Olsson
Botanical Expeditions Ltd.

-Should we go that way?
-No. Straight ahead.

Oh! Finally a small trace of civilization!

-Yes.
-But which way?

I think we should go south.

-How do you know that's south?
-I looked at that ant-hill.

Ant-hills are largest
to the south of the tree.

Tree branches are largest
on the south side too.

You're incredible, Beaver.

Any other suggestions? Maybe north?

Look!

It's those vegans.

Shoot a warning shot.
I'll call the police.

Quiet, Snobben!

Are they shooting at us?

I hope it's not a bird hunting dog.

You've probably seen this man,
Dr. B Levander in different contexts,

where he's been profiteering
on our phobias and hypochondria.

Now, he's gone into the dieting industry
with the product SlimQuick.

We've brought in a panel of experts.

Rune, you're a vet. What do you think?

SlimQuick is excellent, provided you're
a broiler and want to put weight on.

We've analyzed SlimQuick
and found ground fish bones

and the antibiotic coccidiostat

that counteracts parasites in chickens.

Thanks, Rune.

SlimQuick is produced
by the financier Bruno Anderhage

who also owns Svea Broiler.

SlimQuick diet chips are recommended

for people who are running around
like headless chickens. We'll ditch that.

Next --

-I knew this was going to happen.
-Quiet! Not a word from you.

-Anderhage.
-It's regarding your insurance claim.

Attacks do not lead to a payment.
We can't pay.

-So an attack is force majeure?
-Yes.

-So the insurance is not valid?
-No.

You can tell your managing director
that we will take this further.

-I'm the managing director.
-What? Are you the managing director?

Damn idiots!

I'm going now.

To the police.

I will report us.

That's for the best.

I hope I don't have to see you again...

Bruno Ander-ass!

Damn bitch!

This is the police! Lie down
and put your hands in front of you!

Don't worry, Stig Helmer. They probably
just want to check our driving licenses.

-Come in.
-They've found them!

I knew it! How are they?

Good, I think. They'll be here soon.

It's them!

Oh, it's them!

-But what are they wearing?
-Chickens!

Folks from Stockholm...
They think they're such a big deal.

I'm so glad you're alive.
But why are you wearing these clothes?

I don't know. Ask Ole.
But he probably doesn't know either.

God, we've been worried!
But why are you dressed as chickens?

It's a long and strange story.

Hi, darling.

Do you know?
I'm going to stop dieting and stuff.

You have to love yourself as you are,
as Visnawathan said. He's a guru.

How have you been?

Good.

22KG LIGHTER
AND 73 THERAPY HOURS LATER

It is a great joy for me
to be able to present

one of Viswanathan Raj's
foremost disciples.

He's just returned from a yoga centre in
Nepal: Krishnamacharays!

Give him a hand!

Or as he was called in his previous life:
Stig Helmer Olsson.

He who looks outside is dreaming.
He who looks inside awakens.

Lift your feet, Krishnamacharays.

-What is bunchberry in Latin, Stig Helmer?
-What?

Cornus suecica.

-What is goldmoss stonecrop in Latin?
-I don't know.

You don't know?
It's Sedum, Stig Helmer. Sedum!

Stig Helmer...

Orpine, Stig Helmer.
What is Orpine in Latin?

Sedum telephium.

Wake up, Stig Helmer!

Wake up. Wake up, Stig Helmer.

Wake up.

-Good morning.
-Hi.

-You talked in your sleep.
-I had such a strange dream.

Morning!

BRAMSERUD & OLSSON
BOTANICAL EXPEDITIONS LTD

-What's the schedule of the day?
-Up to Blåfjället mountain to look at

Angelica archangelica - wild celery.
It's a fair walk.

-That sounds like hard work.
-No, it's fine.

I can coach you.

Subtitle translation by Aino Bergh