Higher Ed (2001) - full transcript
(whimsical tones)
(electronic buzzing)
(explosion booming)
(uptempo hip-hop music)
(buzzer sounds)
(intense dramatic music)
(indistinct chattering)
(door slams shut)
- Come on, creep.
- Settle down.
(cuffs rattling)
(uptempo hip-hop music)
- [Ed] So this is the beginning
of when my world came crashing down.
The dude on the left
that kinda look like Elvis Presley
before the weight, that's Angel.
Tell you about him later.
Mr. Orange Jumpsuit,
well, that's Sádico.
His name means sadistic in Spanish.
And they're both looking for me.
- Did you message Angelito?
- That's the word on the streets, Sádico.
- Good.
And what's the name of
the university, Papi?
- We don't know,
but we're gonna find out.
- (speaks in foreign
language) You'll find out.
Find out!
(head thuds)
Find out!
Fine, find out!
(Sádico yells)
- Jesus!
Grab him.
(Sádico continues yelling)
Pull him!
(alarm sounds)
(alarm continues sounding)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
(car engines roaring)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
- [Ed] Well, seeing how
everybody was looking for me,
I figure I'll save them the trouble
and disappear for a while.
Let's just say, I needed
a change in scenery.
(bus engine rumbles)
Why?
Well, here's what happened.
I was low-level, a pharmaceuticals agent,
working for Sádico,
and like any good sales person,
I had to try out the product
before selling it to my customers.
Well, one of those fools snitched on me,
and Sádico threatened me with a banana.
- You work for me, cojon, okay?
- [Ed] But instead, he
decided to transfer me
to another position within the company,
the Claims Department.
(shuffling)
- Don't you dare touch me!
(female screams)
- [Ed] As I rose through the ranks,
others weren't so lucky.
(speaks indistinctly and
speaks in foreign language)
(snaps fingers)
- Banana.
- Banana, brought it.
(male whimpers)
- Not the banana, Sádico?
(male continues whimpering)
- This'll teach you never
to steal from Sádico.
(male whimpers)
(banana peel lashing)
(Sádico groans)
(banana peel continues lashing)
- [Ed] I ain't never seen
nothing so brutal in all my life.
The banana, that was Sádico at his worst.
- Pendejo!
(male whimpers)
(indistinct chattering)
- [Ed] Anyway, things were going well.
I got another promotion.
(footsteps clomping)
- Hi, Sádico.
(briefcase lid thuds)
- Ah, man.
- So this is where you be hiding?
- You can't, you can't be here, mami.
- [Ed] But then Sádico's
sister came into town.
(Yolanda sighs)
Man, it was like love at first sight,
like that movie "Sleepless in Seattle".
- Hey, something wrong
with your eyes, Moreno?
- [Ed] Yeah, you guessed it.
(Yolanda moans)
Your boy was about to
take a trip down the Love Canal.
- Come on, take me.
- No, come on, come on.
And she was drivin' the boat.
Come on, come on!
Slow down, slow down, please.
- Take me now.
- Listen, listen.
(Yolanda moans)
No, no!
(smooching)
But it turned out to be the "Titanic".
- Find him.
(Yolanda sobs)
- [Ed] A week late, she was pregnant.
- Find him.
Find him!
- But it wasn't mine.
Look, look, look, look,
I changed my mind.
- What?
Sorry, Yolanda, but my
shit can't even get hard.
So I had to bounce.
- Wake your ass up!
You ain't gonna be nothing.
All you hip-hop, hippy-hop,
whatever you call yourself!
Hell, all that education ain't
gonna amount to be nothing!
- What's wrong with you, man?
- What the hell's wrong with...
What the hell's wrong with you?
I'm just an angry black bus driver,
that's what the hell's wrong with me!
Damn hip-hop hippety,
get off my bus.
(bus engine rumbles)
(footsteps clomping)
What the hell is that?
(bus horn honks)
(engine rumbles)
- So I was ready to leave
my past behind for good.
Some place those gang bangers
would never think to look.
I enrolled in college.
To tell you the truth,
I wasn't even supposed
to make it this far.
See, I'm the first one in
my family to go to college.
(camera shutter clicks)
I won a track scholarship.
Used to do a lot of running
back in high school.
(gunshots firing)
(siren wails)
(indistinct chattering)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(indistinct chattering continues)
- The street life was
really pullin' at me.
- No.
- Get from the door girl.
Give me that!
- I just couldn't get away from it.
I was like Al Pacino in "Godfather", man.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(joint sizzles)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- Now, that was my last hit.
You see, universities don't
allow stuff like this.
My pops said, I'd never be able to do it.
- Boy, you ain't nothing but
a hophead with a capital H,
which is the reason why
I abandoned the family.
- I'll let someone else enjoy this.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(birds chirping)
♪ Hey ♪
- The resolution calls for
a full investigation of our
campus by the state police.
All those in favor of us allowing
the state police on our campus
to conduct their investigation
without any interference
whatsoever, say aye.
- [All Members] Aye.
- It's decided then.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(indistinct chattering)
- [Team] Okay!
- Give me a P.
- P!
- Give me an S.
- S!
- Give me a U.
- U!
- Give me a U.
- U!
- [Team] PSUU!
(uptempo instrumental music continues)
(indistinct chattering)
(uptempo instrumental music continues)
(objects clattering)
- [Ed] Every college
got one of these guys.
Just my luck.
(books thudding)
- I'm, like, most apologetic.
(thudding)
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Now that's how it goes
down where I'm from,
but that's the old me.
I'm doin' all right.
See, where I'm from,
I see enough cats in my neighborhood
gets smoked over nothing.
- C-SPAN, that joint comes on
at eight o'clock every night.
- Come on at 2:45.
- It comes on at 2:30-
- Whatever, man.
- You think you know everything.
- Six o'clock.
(gunshot blasts)
- Thank you, sir.
- Sure.
Yo, where the Registration Hall at?
- As a matter of fact,
you're not too far from it.
My name is Melvin Haynesworth III,
president of the Debate Team,
and soon to be member of
Come and Get Some More Pi.
Freshmen?
- Yeah.
(Melvin clears throat)
- Have you received your
room assignment as of yet?
- No.
- No?
Just come with me.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Damn, man, that's a long ass line.
- Not to worry.
As president to the Debate Team,
and soon to be member of
Come and Get Some More Pi,
I use my clout as often as
I possibly can on campus.
(clicks teeth)
Just follow me.
(phone rings)
(indistinct chattering)
- [Maggie] Next!
(Melvin clears throat)
- Excuse me.
(footsteps shuffling)
Hi, Maggie-
- Young man,
if you don't get your skinny little butt
to the back of that line...
- But-
- Now!
- Sorry I couldn't help you.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Next!
(phone rings)
- Hi, I never got a room assignment.
- Let's see your registration card.
(paper rustling)
You're on Ballad Quad, room 420.
Next!
(phone rings)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(indistinct chattering)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- Ah, this must be it?
Can't wait to meet my dorm mate.
Away from the hood, finally, for real.
(knocks at door)
(dramatic hip-hop music)
(Ed coughs)
(door slams shut)
(Ed groans)
(dramatic hip-hop music continues)
- Yo, that's my dawg.
Welcome home, baby!
Ya mean?
Yo, what up, dawg?
Welcome home!
- Uh-oh.
- Get at me, dawg.
You know what I mean?
Try some of this weed!
- No, I'm not really-
- What, you scared?
If you scared, I can take you home.
This is what college is about!
Bitches, partying, and weed!
- But I'm-
- Ain't no "but" nothin',
so sit your monkey ass down.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Don't take my kindness for weakness.
- Please-
- No, no, no, get that!
- Can't go to another funeral!
- Forget that!
You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm a smoke this fool,
- Come on, baby!
- like I did my last roommate
who tried to ignore me.
You know what I'm saying?
- Can't go to-
(Ed screams)
(winding down echo)
(Bud laughs)
(both laughing)
(female claps)
- That's what I'm talking about, baby.
Welcome to college, kid!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Ah, hell nah.
I didn't leave the tranquility
of the hood for this.
Man, this my new roommate?
What you mean, I can't
get another roommate?
- Like I told you a minute ago, homeboy,
room assignments are full.
On-campus housing is limited this semester
due to overenrollment.
Why, you're lucky you even got a room.
- I'm lucky?
Look at my clothes.
Man, I'm fixin' to smoke this fool.
- I'm sorry, sir.
There's also no smoking on campus.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(phone rings)
(indistinct chattering)
(thudding)
(Lisa scoffs)
(books clattering)
(whimsical tones)
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Her book.
- Oh.
- Her book.
- Oh.
(gentle instrumental music)
- Thanks.
(drum roll beating)
(triumphant tones)
- Hey, my little love niblett (sniffs).
- Hi, baby.
- Hey.
(both giggling)
(Lisa moans)
(intense sniffing)
Craig, why do you always do that?
- I'm just checkin', baby.
(spray spritzing)
Just checking (sniffs).
(chuckles) Guess what, baby?
- What?
- I wrote you a poem.
(Craig chuckles)
- You did?
- Yeah.
(both giggling)
Okay (sniffs).
I loved in me.
You loved in me.
We loved in me (laughs).
(both laughing)
Come on, baby, let's go watch me prac.
Come on.
- [Ed] Just my luck,
first, my roommate,
now fake ass Langston Hughes
got the girl of my dreams.
(smooching)
- What's up?
(dramatic instrumental music)
(bell dings)
(indistinct chattering)
(papers rustling)
(indistinct chattering continues)
(professor sucks lips)
(animals bleating)
(indistinct chattering)
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
- Just hold on, hold on.
Me name is Professor Buckshot.
(gunshot blasts)
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
Now, don't go on after you make me vex.
Now, the truth of the matter is,
most of y'all, you will be gone,
long gone, by next semester.
Now, the truth of the matter is,
I, Professor Buckshot,
(gunshot blasts)
believe in discipline in me class.
And for you, if you're
late once, you fail.
If you miss a quiz, you fail.
If a pussy or bomboclaat
rass ass ever cheat, whoo,
I personally make sure
you never attend another
university in the galaxy.
Jah Rastafari Selassie I know.
(whimsical tones)
- [Professor Deafandumb]
Students, welcome to Physics 101.
My name is Professor Deafandumb.
We're going to focus on
the basic laws of physics.
And first, I'm going to write
a very great formula on the board.
(chalkboard clacks)
- Excuse me, Professor.
- Yes?
- I can't find that formula in our book.
- This is the formula for the fruit salad.
The fruit salad is the most
important thing there is.
Yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
- Okay, let's get straight to business.
My name is Professor Rayner Shine,
(students laughing)
and you will address me as such.
Now, I hope that most of you
have reviewed the Syllabus,
and have gotten the 33 books
needed for this course.
(electronic whirring)
Good.
- So here I was, my first day in college,
and I don't think I'm gonna make it.
It's so different from what I'm used to,
plus I'm missin' my smoke.
But hey, maybe things will get better?
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(indistinct chattering)
(whistle trills)
(footsteps clomping)
(indistinct chattering continues)
(knocking at door)
(door creaks open)
Coach?
Hey.
(Coach farting)
- I know who the hell you are.
Now, you listen to me.
This ain't your goddamn
streets or your hood.
Let me be frank with you.
(phone rings)
Your high school coach
is a good friend of mine.
We were in the Olympics together,
and that is the only reason why
you are within smellin'
distance of this university.
- But-
- But nothin'!
You shut your mouth, son.
If I even get the feeling
that you are messin' up,
I am on your ass!
Do I make myself clear?
That question was rhetorical.
(Coach farts)
Now, our program is one of
the best in the country.
(Coach farts)
Do you know why?
(farting continues)
Answer me, goddammit!
- No, sir.
- Then I'll tell you why.
(Coach farts)
It's because of discipline, Mr. Green.
Now I hear that you have some
talent for short sprints,
but little discipline.
Now, we wanna win at nationals this year,
and with your help,
I think we're gonna get there.
Now, why don't you go out and
meet the rest of your team?
(cheerleaders chanting indistinctly)
(mellow instrumental music)
(Craig yells)
(footsteps clomping)
(mellow instrumental music continues)
- What's up, man?
- So you're the new jack, huh?
- Nah.
- I'm Craig (sniffs), Craig
Williams, team captain.
(cheerleaders chant indistinctly)
- I'm Ed Green, freshman.
- I can tell.
So Ed Green, freshman,
what brings you to PSUU?
- A scholarship.
- A scholarship?
- Yeah, you know, I figured
being this is one of the
best schools in the country,
come out here, and make a name for myself.
(whistle trills)
- Make a name for yourself?
- Yeah.
- Then, my friend, you're
gonna have to change your name.
- Word?
To what?
- (sniffs) Craig Williams.
(cheerleaders chant indistinctly)
(mellow instrumental music)
- Girl, Craig's doing you
wrong, from what I heard.
- Let's not go there, Jo, okay?
You always have something
to say about him.
He's either doin' this,
- I'm just telling you.
- or he's doing that.
You are always hatin'.
Why?
- Hatin'?
- That's right.
- Oh, let's not.
(Lisa scoffs)
- Look, he's popular, okay?
And half these girls out here
would jump at the first
chance to be with him,
so I'm just...
I don't wanna hear all this gossip.
- You know what?
You're just my girl,
and I'm just looking out for you.
I don't wanna see you hurt.
Okay?
(Lisa laughs)
- [Lisa] Jerk.
- See?
- Man, this place is crazy.
- Yeah, this place is crazy.
You got that one.
- Get it?
- Got it.
- Crazy.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(keyboard clacks)
- That'll be due on Tuesday.
- [Ed] How much is your postcards?
- Freshman?
Postcards are free at
Petty State University.
It's in your Syllabus.
There you go.
(whimsical tomes)
- Free.
Hey, Mama.
Sending you this postcard to let you know
college ain't that bad.
I especially am looking
forward to some biology.
You know, learning about
mating rituals in the wild,
exploring exotic mammals,
observing and appreciatin' their behavior.
That's right.
That's what my college experience
was starting to look like.
Oh, by the way,
I definitely gotta straighten
out my roommate situation.
- [Bud] Girl, you ain't
ready for this, huh?
- Oh, yes, I am.
- This what you
been waitin' on?
Huh?
- Heck, yeah.
Come on, baby.
- Okay (claps).
Let's get it goin' then.
- Okay.
- [Bud] Put the arm up there then.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- Yes.
- [Bud] About to get crazy up in here.
- Come on.
(interposing voices)
- What you tryin' to do?
(female yells)
Now, move in.
Girl.
(both grunting)
Come on.
- Come on, baby.
- [Bud] I'm gonna give it to you, girl!
- [Female] Oh, god!
- [Bud] Daddy gonna give you
just what you need!
(smacking)
- [Female] Is that it?
- Oh, girl, no, no, no, no,
I know what you're (mumbles).
(smacking)
Take some of that to you.
- [Female] Come on, baby.
Give it to me!
- [Bud] Okay, okay,
okay, hold yourself now.
You don't really want
what you're asking for,
'cause I'm a give it to you now!
- [Female] Bud, stop
acting like a punk bitch!
- Oh, okay, you want the rough stuff.
You want that WF-type-shit.
Okay.
Okay, well, then take this then.
Elbow drop!
(Bud groans)
(thudding)
(female groans)
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
That turn you on, huh?
- Oh, my gosh.
- [Bud] One more!
Elbow!
(thudding)
(Bud groans)
(female moans)
You like that?
- Oh, baby, yes.
- Huh, you like that?
- Yeah, come on, baby.
- Elbow!
- [Female] Give it to me.
(thudding)
(Bud groans)
- Oh, baby, come on!
- Yeah, this is my match.
Here we go.
This what we're waitin' on.
- Give it to me.
- Leg drop!
- Give it to me.
Give it-
(Bud groans)
(female yells)
- [Female] Oh, baby!
Oh.
- Who the champ?
- [Female] You're the champ.
You're the champ.
- Give me the belt.
Give me the belt.
- [Female] You are the champ, yep.
You are the champ.
(female moans)
- Oh, yeah!
Champion of the world, baby.
When it comes to smackin' the ass,
I'm the undisputed king of that.
Ew, yeah, nobody's better than me.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah!
I'll smack it up, lick
it, rub it down, baby,
'cause I'm gonna give it to
you just like you like it.
(female moans)
Oh!
- Excuse me, I don't mean to
interrupt whatever that is.
- My man!
What's up, dawg?
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Give me one second.
Don't you go nowhere.
- Goin' nowhere, baby.
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- [Female] Okay.
- Ed, I'm comin' for you, baby!
Yeah!
- So you understand when I say,
I'm just tryin' to get my shit together?
(Bud farting)
You know, I don't need no distraction.
You know what I'm saying?
- For sure, bet.
(Bud farting)
I'm trying to get my shit together too.
(farting)
(liquid sloshing)
- Nah.
- What's wrong, man?
(Bud farting)
(Ed scoffs)
(farting continues)
- I forgot, you ain't never gonna
be able to put quit anyway,
which is the second reason
I abandoned the family.
- This is definitely my last hit.
- You need to quit messing around, man,
and try some of that chronic.
(farting)
(liquid sloshing)
(joint sizzles)
- I know what you're thinking,
but it's been a stressful day so far.
Plus, look at who my roommate is.
(liquid sloshing)
(Ed gags)
(coughing)
(liquid sloshing)
(both coughing)
Damn.
- Exactly.
Look, man, seein' that I've been here
at PSUU for seven years,
(farting) I'm gonna be
like a big brother to you.
You know, take you up under my wing.
Make sure that you stay focused.
- Appreciate that.
- Not a problem.
(Bud farts)
(toilet paper roll clatters)
- Come on, Bud!
Bring your sweet ass back on in here.
(imitates growling)
(tiger growls)
(Bud farts)
- Oh, yeah, Bud,
(Bud farts)
the freak,
and the freaky stuff,
(liquid sloshing)
gonna have to go.
(Bud groans)
- Yo, man, that freak, that's my girl.
(liquid sloshing)
(Bud grunts)
- I know, man, but she's not a tenant,
and she's not even a student here.
- A'ight, cool, cool, cool.
Man, look, I got you.
But first things first,
we're gonna have to get you acclimated
with college environment.
- Acclimated?
(crowd cheers)
(upbeat dance music)
(crowd continues cheering)
(male yells indistinctly)
(upbeat dance music continues)
- Hi!
- Yo, what's up, freshman?
- Hey, man, finally get off that line?
(both laughing)
- Told you, man,
you ain't gotta worry about 'nathen.
I'm a take you up under my wing, baby.
It's official.
(upbeat dance music continues)
(bottle clatters)
Damn, I thought it was a coffee table.
(crowd cheering)
(upbeat dance music continues)
(male speaks indistinctly)
- [Male] Let's go.
We go, we go, we go.
- [Fraternity Pledges] P-U-S-S-Y,
that's what we are, we are!
P-U-S-S-Y, that's what we are, we are!
P-U.
P-U.
- Greetings, brothers,
from come around and give me some,
- [Fraternity Pledges] More!
- Presenting Big Brother D-Rock!
(drum roll bangs)
- Presenting Big Brother D-Rock!
- Presenting Big Brother D-Rock!
(drum roll intensifies)
(paddle thuds)
(cymbals clang)
(triumphant music)
(paddle thuds)
- So fellas.
- Aye!
- Are you ready for a show?
- [Fraternity Members] Showtime!
- I said...
(grunting)
- Oh, shit!
(grunting continues)
(feet clomping)
- A one!
(grunting continues)
- Yeah!
(grunting continues)
(feet clomping)
(male speaks indistinctly)
(heavy breathing)
- OG!
- What you gonna do now?
Big Brother D-Rock.
- [D-Rock] Let me show
you what I'm about to do.
- [Fraternity Members] Ah, shit!
- Everybody knows.
- Everybody!
- I said, everybody knows
if you wanna be in this organization,
you're gonna have to
prove that you're worthy!
Prove it with your grit!
- [Fraternity Pledges]
Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
- Worthy means PUSSY.
PUSSY means worthy.
- [Fraternity Members] Worthy means PUSSY.
PUSSY means worthy.
- Do we make that clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(interposing voices)
- [Male] That sorry bunch of folks.
- Go out and get me some panties,
some dirty, stank, soakin' panties.
Move it!
(footsteps clomping)
Not you.
See, let me tell you somethin'.
I don't see no PUSSY in your future.
- Oh, no.
- Zip.
- Mm-mm.
- So let's get this
straight right now.
Yo, somebody go over there and get V'oka.
- Oh.
- Not V'oka.
- [Male] Dang.
- I don't want you to leave this spot.
You will shit in this spot,
you will jackoff in this spot,
but you better not leave this spot.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(chicken clucking)
- Where is that bird?
- What is that?
- Presenting
Ms. V'oka Alcohol.
- Thank you (mumbles).
(male laughs)
You will take this bottle,
you will lick her (slurping),
you will caress her,
and you will hold her just
to see some sweet ass pussy.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(chicken clucks)
- Is there a bird in here?
- There's a bird there?
- And by the end of the night,
I want this bitch consumed.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(chicken clucking)
(paddle thuds)
(Melvin screams)
- [Fraternity Members] OG, OG, OG, OG, OG,
OG, OG, OG, OG, OG!
(whimsical tones)
- Yo, you know where the bathroom's at?
- Yeah, yeah.
What you wanna do, is you
wanna go out this door,
you gonna make a right,
two steps down, you gonna make a left.
If you ain't pissed on yourself by then,
ask the first cat you come up to,
he'll be able to tell you.
(upbeat piano tune)
(record scratching)
(toilet flushing)
(footsteps clomping)
- [Ed] Now, this ain't
none of my business,
but I knew there was something
fraudulent about this dude.
(indistinct chattering)
(zipper unzips)
(Ed sighs)
(liquid sloshing)
(indistinct chattering)
(liquid continues sloshing)
(Ed moans)
(zipper zips)
(Ed sighs)
(toilet flushing)
(intense dramatic tones)
- What's up, Ed Brown, freshman?
- It's Ed-
- Whatever.
That incident just now,
I mean, what you just saw,
that's between me
(sniffs) and me, capisce?
- Okay, you know I thought I-
(footsteps clomping)
(shower curtain clatters)
- Do you have any conditioner?
(bottles clanging)
(upbeat dance music)
(Melvin gags)
(liquid sloshing)
(upbeat dance music continues)
- I love you, V'oka.
(feet shuffling)
(upbeat dance music continues)
- Oh, look, baby.
It's fruit cocktail.
- Cool.
(punch sloshing)
- Want a cup?
- Oh, thanks.
(punch sloshing)
Cheers.
- Yeah.
(upbeat dance music continues)
- Hmm, yummy.
(indistinct chattering)
- Chunky, but good.
(upbeat dance music continues)
(whimsical tones)
- From the blocks,
- Okay.
- that's where
you win the race.
Winning, right?
- Win.
- Freeze right there, boy!
- Give me an S.
- S!
- Give me a U.
(Coach farts)
- Here we go again!
Here we go again.
Maybe you didn't understand what I meant
by being on time to track practice.
I'm gonna teach you some discipline, boy.
- But Coach, I was-
- No!
Zip it!
Nope, newp, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
(Coach farts)
Give me 50 laps now!
- 50 laps?
But that's the 800 meter dash, Coach.
- Do you hear me (Coach
stammers) stuttering?
- Give me a P.
- P!
- Give me an S.
- S!
- Give me a U.
- U!
(whistle trills)
- Give me a U.
- [Team] U!
P-S-U-U!
- You lack form, son.
- Form?
- Form, F-O-M.
Just watch me!
Behold.
(whimsical tones)
On your marks, get set,
(intense dramatic music)
go, Coach.
(Coach grunts)
Ow, ew, ow, ew, ow.
(Coach groans)
Now, you try.
(indistinct yelling)
(intense dramatic tones)
- Are you sure this is for you?
Don't know too many
Spanish people named Green.
- We black Spanish.
- Yeah.
(whimsical tones)
- He sent this, Sádico.
Petty State University,
that's where he is.
- What I want is for you to
go to Petty State University,
and take care of this problem for good.
- But Sádico, it's at university, man.
It's scary-
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
(Sádico intensely grunts)
- What you talking, man?
- You, Juan, (speaks in
Spanish) register for classes.
You're gonna be students
for a good little while,
and that's how you'll get him.
(Angel breathes heavily)
- Look, okay, Sádico.
- Find him, that little
(speaks indistinctly).
(Sádico grunts and groans)
(indistinct chattering)
(alarm sound)
(guards speak indistinctly)
- [Guard] Pull him!
(indistinct yelling)
(alarm continues sounding)
(inmates cheering)
- Jesus, you foul mouth!
(inmates continue cheering)
(interposing voices)
(Sádico speaks indistinctly)
(alarm blares)
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
- Take it easy, man.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- [Both] Whoa!
(Bud coughs)
- Yo, man, I'll be right back.
- [Ed] Where you going, son?
- Yo, I don't know about you, dawg,
but I got the munchies.
- Munchies?
- Yeah, for some puddin'.
- Pudding?
- The pudding is calling me.
I'm going to go over and
say hello to the pudding.
You see, because when you have a dime bag,
your moth gets dry,
and you need the pudding
to salivate the tongue.
So I'm going to get some
of the pudding (groans)!
- I think it's hot.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
- [Male] Yo, man.
What's up?
- What's the deal?
- What's goin' on, big guy?
- Yo, dude,
pass the spliff, yo.
Most definitely, pass the spliff, please.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Ew.
- Yo, yo, wanna be!
- Oh, shit (coughs).
- Fee-fi-fo-fum, I think
I smell a pledgin'.
(both laughing)
(male groans)
- Yo, yo, yo, chill, man.
Leave him alone.
Leave him alone, son.
- [Male] Nerd boy.
Dweeb!
- Thanks.
- Yo, son, can I talk to you for a minute?
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
Yo, I never really got
a chance to thank you
for helping me out on
my first day of class.
- My pleasure.
(birds chirping)
- If you don't mind me asking,
what's with all this pledgin' nonsense?
I mean, forget about the fraternity.
Just be yourself.
- All my life, I've wanted to be a leader,
but it's easier sometimes
being a follower.
I guess you would know
more than anyone else
what I'm talking about.
- What do you mean?
(triumphant tones)
Wait, I have been smoking
a lot since I got here.
Hangin' with Bud,
I guess I just fell back into my old ways.
(feet stamping)
(whimsical tones)
(Bud coughs)
(Ed laughs)
Yo, I know he ain't been
to no Olympics, man.
- Nah.
- Hittin' me with some jah.
- Yo, Ed, man,
you the only brother I know
smoke more weed than I do.
- He ain't got no form.
Son, you should've seen him out there,
son, talkin' about "behold".
(knocking at door)
(door creaks open)
- Oh, hi, I was just lookin' for Bud.
(whimsical tones)
(gentle instrumental music)
Hello?
- Oh, Bud is inside.
Why don't you come in?
(door slams shut)
(door clatters open)
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Why don't you come in?
(footsteps clomping)
(door slams shut)
- [Lisa] Of course.
- What you doin' here?
- Ma keeps gettin' on me
about why you're not callin' her.
It's been three weeks, Bud.
- Ma?
- Yeah, I know, I know, I've
been meaning to call her.
It's just shit been crazy hectic, sis.
- Sis?
- She's still asking me
when you're gonna graduate.
- What'd you tell her?
- The truth, never.
(Ed clears throat)
- Yo, Lisa, this is my new roommate, Ed.
Ed, this my think she fine sister, Lisa.
(Lisa scoffs)
- Nice to meet you, Ed.
- What's up, Lisa?
- Anyway, I delivered the message,
so call, Bud.
- Don't put your hands on me.
- [Lisa] Whatever!
And clean up this nasty room.
- I was gonna eat that.
- I know exactly what y'all thinking.
(whimsical tones)
- Do you, Ed Green,
take Lisa Banner
to be your lawful-
- Yo, son, son, son, son,
you gotta hurry up, man.
This a fantasy.
- Oh, well, then you may kiss the bride.
(record scratching)
♪ I wanna touch your ass ♪
♪ I wanna feel your g-string ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I wanna touch you baby ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- Yo, yo, you messin' up my fantasy, dude.
You ain't even supposed to be here.
(zipper zips)
(wedding march plays)
(smooching)
- Ah, come on, dawg.
What is all that about, man?
I like fish with my bone.
(siren wails)
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
- Howdy, boys!
Y'all ain't from around here, are you?
- No, sir, Italy (chuckles).
- I see.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Well, I don't know what the
speed limit is down in Italy,
but us here in this state
like to keep it at a
respectable 60 miles per hour.
Driver's license, please?
(police radio chirps)
(indistinct radio chatter)
Italians too?
- Yes, sir.
- Sanchez, now that's a nice,
respectable Italian name.
- Yeah (laughs).
(police radio chirps)
(indistinct radio chatter)
(police radio chirps)
- Okay, put the guns under the seat.
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
(upbeat pop music)
- This place is crazy.
- Yeah, this place is crazy.
(upbeat pop music continues)
♪ You know you've made it ♪
♪ When you've got some white girls ♪
♪ In your bathroom ♪
♪ You know you've made it ♪
(footsteps clomping)
♪ When you ♪
- Oh, what's up, baby?
Yo, you woke up just in time, man.
We was about to start
the party without you.
(whimsical tones)
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
(Ed sighs)
(mysterious dramatic tones)
- Yo, (voice echoes)
what's going on?
- It's a test.
- What?
- It's a test.
- Mr. Green (voice echoes).
(animal bleating)
- Breast.
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
- Mr. Green (voice echoes).
What happen to you?
- I'm feelin' real bionic right now.
- Yeah, man.
Yeah, I got the chronic you sent me.
Matter of fact, it's
right here in front of me.
(inhales deeply)
Yeah, I smoked a little bit earlier,
but yeah, my roommate, he
had a whole blunt to himself.
Why?
What?
Laced with angel dust?
Man, how you gonna send
me the wrong goddamn bag?
Yo, that's some foul ass shit of you, man!
- Mr. Green, leave (voice echoes).
- Leave (voice echoes)?
- Hey, bomboclaat, (voice echoes).
(Ed stammers)
(evil laughing)
(Ed continues stammering)
Hey, bomboclaat, you
failed (voice echoes).
(animals bleating)
(footsteps clomping)
Idiot!
(intense dramatic music)
(Ed yells)
(quirky instrumental music)
(Ed continues yelling)
(quirky instrumental music continues)
- You gave me some angel dust?
- Look, man, what happened was,
the guy that sold it to me,
he told me-
- I know what happened.
I'm failing all my classes
'cause of you, man,
My head is hurtin'.
Yo, I played myself
runnin' around the campus
half butt-naked humpin' the ground.
Man, what kinda crazy madness is that?
- Look, I'm sorry, man (scoffs).
- Look, I didn't come
here for this kinda stuff.
I'm trying to get my life together.
- Look, I'm apologizin', Ed, man.
It was a mix-up.
- Look, you hittin' me with
some jah breezy right now.
You're mix-up.
I can't mess with you no more.
I don't want no more your weed.
No more advice.
I don't even know how I let
you influence me like that.
- I'm sorry, Ed.
It was just a mix-up.
(intense rock tones)
(uptempo mellow music)
- [Ed] So the square root of pi...
Okay, so if we divide 49...
Okay, okay, hold on.
So 93 divided by 78,
the calculus of the geometry...
Ah, man, ah.
Wait a minute.
Hold up, hold up.
(sighs) This is hard, man.
School is hard,
and all this smokin' ain't helpin' either.
Okay, now, et me try this.
Oh, 40...
Okay, you know what?
Let me just try to keep it simple.
Three plus two...
Damn.
I really need to open up a math book.
Hold on.
Three plus one is six minus one.
(whimsical tones)
- What are you having tonight, cowboy?
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(dramatic slurping)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
(indistinct chattering)
- What's up, y'all?
My name is Pretty Ed.
- [Both] We're just
chilling, waiting on you.
- Both of y'all?
- [Both] Yeah, we're twins.
- My name is Raven, and this is...
- Ravena.
- Raven, Ravena, this
is my lucky night, huh?
- [Both] You're even luckier,
'cause we're Siamese.
- Whoa, Siamese?
- [Both] And you wanna know
where we're connected at?
- Where?
- We share the same-
(alarm clock beeps)
(button clicks)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(indistinct chattering)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah (laughs)!
THat's that shit, boy!
Damn, Ed!
I gotta say, man, I'm pretty surprised
by your sudden change in attitude, bro.
- Yeah, man, you know,
I'm a take your advice,
and just withdraw from class early,
so there won't be no penalty.
- That's right.
And, you know, if you do
it before the deadline,
won't even show up on your GPA.
It'd be like startin' next
semester fresh (laughs).
- Yeah.
- Give me a U.
(both inhaling)
- U!
(both sighing)
- [Team] P-S-U-U!
- Your sister a virgin?
- What?
(whistle trills)
- Yo, I didn't-
- Look, man,
I know what you meant, man!
- I was just asking-
- No, no, no, no,
don't ask, all right?
Look, man, she's a senior,
so you know what that means.
- What?
- She's out your league, bruh.
(whistle zipping)
See that cat right there?
That right there is my
future brother-in-law.
See, that's the black Superman.
He don't drink.
He don't smoke.
I don't even think he curse.
(object boings)
- Pussy motherfuckin' shit!
(Craig yells indistinctly)
You cock motherfucker piece of...
(spring boinging)
Dumb fuckin' shit!
Mother fuck you!
- Better scratch that part out.
You know what your problem is, man?
You are a weedhead.
My sister, she don't
mess with no weedheads.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(indistinct chattering)
(whimsical tones)
(phone ringing)
(whistle zipping)
(footsteps shuffling)
(indistinct chattering)
(phone continues ringing)
- Thanks a lot.
- I'd like to register for school, please.
- Register?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Would that be matric or non-matric?
- I no try to trick you, lady.
- And who might they be?
- My tutors.
- Well, of course.
You have to give me a transcript
of your high school diploma.
(Angel laughs)
- I didn't go to high school, lady.
- You never attended high school
but you wanna register
for college classes?
- Yes.
(dinging)
(indistinct chattering)
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, yo, what the hell's wrong with you?
- Yo, that's my coach, yo.
Don't move.
- I thought you said
you quit the track team?
- I did, I just didn't tell him yet.
So what he's doin'?
(whistle trills)
- Oh, shit.
Yo, Ed, man, he's lookin' over this way.
- Where exactly do you think we could put
that new time clock comin' in next week?
- I was thinkin' somewhere
along the top up there.
- Yo, yo, yo, son,
he's startin' to point up here at you too.
- A little to the left, perhaps?
- Yeah, about there.
That should be fine.
- And you even got the other
coach pointin' up here too.
- Damn!
- Why don't we ask some of these friends?
They should have some idea.
- That's a good idea.
- Hey Craig, come over here for a minute.
- Give me a T.
- T!
- Give me an S.
- Where do think
that new time clock should go?
(Craig sniffs)
(interposing voices)
- [Craig] There would be nice.
- They got the whole team pointin' at ya.
If I was you, I'd just go face the music,
but that's just me.
- Yeah, what do you think?
- All right.
(bleachers clang)
I am ready!
Man, I'm sick and tired
of you tryin' to bash me!
I quit!
I quit!
- He quits!
(whimsical tones)
(uptempo sultry music)
(bag clatters)
- [Ed] Hi.
- Oh, hi.
You're my brother's roommate.
- Ed.
- Right, Ed.
(Lisa giggles)
- I don't mean to bother you,
but I noticed we're taking the same class.
- Oh, really, you're
studying the classics too?
- Oh, yeah, no doubt.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh (giggles).
Funny, I don't remember
seeing your face in class?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm in the class after yours.
- Oh.
- See, I noticed you
when you come out the class.
- Oh, great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Maybe you and I can study tomorrow?
(scoffs) Dante's "Inferno"
is kicking my butt.
- Dante Informal?
What a coincidence.
That's my favorite book.
(Lisa laughs)
- (coughs) Inferno.
- Oh, you readin' that one too?
That's the one about the fire.
The movie, (whistles) off the meat rack.
(Lisa laughs)
- Okay, Ed.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Ed.
- Oh, yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
Okay?
(uptempo sultry music)
(dramatic tones)
- Yo, she said she'd be
here in half an hour.
- So?
- So I can't read this
whole book in half an hour.
- Oh, that definitely
sounds like a problem, man.
You need to try some of this chronic.
- No, I'm cool, man.
- You sure?
- Shh, shh, shh, I'm straight, trust me.
- That just means there's more for me.
(Bud sniffs intensely)
I'm going to get high as
a motherfucker (laughs).
Yo, man, this is just in case
you change your mind later,
and wanna think clearer.
- Hey, yo, Bud?
Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- What you doin' in here?
- Talkin' to you, man.
- Nah, I mean college.
I mean, why are you not in the real world,
you know, gettin' your hustle on?
- This is my hustle, baby.
(upbeat hip-hop plays over the radio)
- You call this a hustle?
- It is for me.
Man, I register for class every year.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I got a place to sleep where
I don't get charged no rent.
I get all the food I want,
three square meals a day.
I got a beautiful view of the
gardens and roses outside.
I get all the girls I want.
Plus, I meet new and exciting
people every single day.
What more do I need?
- But what about the real world?
- The real world is what
you runnin' from, remember?
- Well what about classes, you know?
You know, I've actually been
givin' that some thought.
So I decided to join the Debate Team.
- The Debate Team?
(lighter flicks)
(knocking at door)
Oh, shit!
(door clatters open)
- Hi.
Listen, Ed, I just found out
the exam's not on Dante's "Inferno".
Professor Hegg changed it to
Plato's "Republic" at the last minute.
- Damn.
Sorry to hear that.
- [Bud] I love you, little sis!
- Love you too, Bud.
Anyway, I was hoping maybe
you had read that one too?
- Nah, I'm sorry.
But don't worry,
classics happens to be my thing.
(Lisa scoffs)
- Okay, well, what the hell.
I can use all the help
I can get (chuckles).
Okay, (giggles) great.
So we'll meet by the Martin Building
in a couple of hours?
- I was just about to say that.
Yeah.
(Lisa giggles)
- Okay.
Bud, did you call mom?
- Yeah, I tried to call her yesterday,
but the line was busy.
She ain't paid the bill.
(Lisa scoffs)
- I'll see you later.
- [Ed] No, I'm not gonna do it.
- It's a medical fact
smoking chronic makes you smarter,
and helps your memory (voice echoes).
- Here goes nothin'.
(lighter flicks)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(uptempo hip-hop music)
- I'm tired of all this cleaning, Papi.
- Me too, man.
Me too.
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
- Keep cleaning.
(uptempo hip-hop music continues)
(leaves rustling)
(keys jingling)
(intense dramatic music)
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
- [Guard] Sanchez, phone call.
- Ciento.
(Sádico thuds)
(Sádico grunts)
(footsteps clomping)
(intense dramatic music continues)
- Yeah, this is Sádico.
- We found him, Sádico,
but there's a lot of people around.
- What do you expect?
It's a college!
- Look, I know, I know, Sádico.
But this is gonna take a
little time to get him alone.
- I don't care, just find him!
- Shit!
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
Sorry-
(door thuds)
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
- [Sádico] Angel?
- I've been lookin' for you new guys
for the last 20 minutes.
I didn't send you to this building.
I said, the Webster Building.
Oh, oh, y'all need it in Spanish.
Webstero.
Why you lookin' all confused and shit for?
Come on.
The third floor bathroom needs mopping,
get to hoppin'!
¡Ándale!
I've been to Mexico!
¡Ándale!
(intense dramatic music)
I'm gonna have to break my
foot off in somebody's ass
before the day is over.
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
(Sádico grunts)
(phone crunching)
(groaning)
(alarm blares)
(phone clatters)
- Get down!
(Sádico mumbles indistinctly)
- So what it seems Plato
is trying to say here,
is that Aristotle really isn't responsible
for corrupting the minds of the youth.
No more than we can be held responsible
for other people's actions.
- Right, right.
Plato, minds of the youth, corruption,
thrill her like Michael Jackson,
look so lovely at Petty
State Urban University.
(Lisa laughs)
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Let's see what's in this chapter.
- [Ed] Yeah, yeah.
(uptempo sultry music)
(pages rustling)
(uptempo sultry music continues)
- Everything okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's just groovy.
(Lisa laughs)
(uptempo sultry music continues)
So what's up with Super Nigga?
- Who?
- You know, big man on
campus hatin' on me?
- First of all, he's my boyfriend.
And second, he's good to me,
so I'm not lookin' for anybody else,
if that's what you're getting at?
- I'm not hatin'.
I'm just saying, you know,
you can't judge a book by its cover.
All that glitter isn't gold, you know?
In other words,
fuck the nigga.
(Lisa gasps)
Damn, did I say that?
I'm sorry.
- Have you been smoking weed, Ed?
(Ed chuckles)
Now that you say that,
yeah, you know, I smoked a little
just to kinda like help my memory.
- Your memory?
- Yeah.
Little Bud said, it's scientific.
(Lisa scoffs)
- If that were the case,
Bud would have the memory
of a high-tech computer.
- Hold on, wait, where you going?
- In case you haven't
noticed, I'm leaving.
- Why?
- You have a chance to do
something with your life.
Instead, you're choosing
to smoke it all away?
I hate to tell you this, Ed,
but the real ghetto you're
trying to get away from,
it's in your head.
(gentle instrumental music)
(whimsical tones)
- Yeah,
I pretty much hit rock bottom.
I mean, I'm failing all my classes.
I lost a chance at the girl of my dreams.
I mean, what else could go wrong?
(audience applauds)
- Our next debater
is Mr. Bud?
(Bud chuckles)
(imitates howling)
(clears throat)
(smooching)
(patting on back)
- Excuse me.
What's happenin', man?
(Bud grunts)
(paper rustling)
(Bud chuckles nervously)
(clears throat)
(ethereal instrumental music)
(clears throat)
Before we begin this debate today,
I'm going to let all of you know
that I'll be saying some things
that'll be changing the lives
of every American in this room.
Whether you're a black
person or a white person
or an old person or a young person,
we find ourselves victim
to the same type of
hypocrisy here in America.
- [Male Audience Member] Preach, brother!
- Now, I'm telling you,
brothers and sisters,
this hypocrisy has told both you and I
that it's not okay to smoke.
Well, I smoke.
I smoke every day.
And I'm telling you,
the people that say this
to you are the media,
the television.
If you break down the word television,
you can see the hypocrisy,
tell lies and vision.
Tell lie vision.
Do you see the
- Preach, brother!
- hypocrisy that I am
trying to get at?
- Preach, brother!
Preach, brother!
- All right, brother (laughs).
- Preach, brother.
- All right.
See, this is what I am talking about.
This is the very thing
that I am talking about.
This brother's ragiosoty.
If he had a blunt, and
knew how to crack it open,
put the weed down the middle,
lick it, light it, smoke it, and pass it,
he wouldn't have this type of ragiosity.
- [Male Audience Member] Tell the truth!
- That's right, brother.
Puff, puff, and give, give.
That's the rules to the game.
And I am telling you,
the only way to fight this system
that is holding back
our puffing enjoyment,
the only way to fight this system,
and I say again,
- Yeah, brother!
(Bud laughs)
- is brothers listening.
All right, any day.
The only way to fight
this type of rhetoric
is to get yourself a blunt,
lick it, light it, puff it, pass it
by any means necessary.
(audience applauds)
- Asalamalakim.
- And I love the Lakers.
(buzzer buzzing)
(cell door clatters)
(feet squeaking)
(indistinct chattering)
(chains clanking)
- Hi, Sádico.
You sent for me?
- That's right, little sis.
Good news.
We found him.
- You found him?
- Nobody does this to my
little sister and lives.
(intense dramatic music)
I love you, mommy (voice echoes).
(intense dramatic music continues)
(audience applauds)
- Therefore, (clears throat)
legal scholars are expressing concern.
(triumphant instrumental music)
The applause is a bit premature.
Thank you,
but let me just finish, please.
(door clatters)
- Will you hurry up, Dean.
I'm trying to win a journalism award,
and you're just lagging behind.
- I've got 200 pounds of equipment.
(tapping at window)
- [Brenda] Roll it down.
Hey, Detective Dabias,
I don't mean to bother you,
but are you undercover?
- Not anymore, honey.
- [Male] Damn.
- PSUU is a very prestigious university...
- [Group] Puff, puff.
- With an impeccable
reputation for excellence.
- [Group] Puff puff.
- I can assure you,
that there are no drugs on this campus.
- Damn, this shit is blazin'.
(female coughs)
West Side!
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Yo, man, you think we're
addicted to this shit?
I mean, do you think we should quit?
- Addicted?
Come on, man.
Everybody know you can't
get addicted from weed.
This ain't like crack or nothin'.
Besides, if I wanted to stop,
I could right now, today even.
- Really?
(inhales sharply)
- Or next week.
(both laughing)
(imitates dog barking)
- [Brenda] So Mr. Withers,
you've been working here on
campus for how many years?
- Let's see now.
Since my sixth, no, fifth wife.
That was Bernadine.
I was married to Ola Mae,
Ismae, Eliza Mae, Bertha Mae.
(electronic static)
- [Brenda] How many years
have you worked here?
- Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
I've been probably working
here since my last...
What was that, number what?
Number five, my fifth wife, Lula Mae.
Yeah, yeah, she was some
of that big girl too.
A little big girl.
Had a lot of dying problems.
(electronic static)
What was your question?
- [Brenda] Have you seen
anyone smoking marijuana?
- No, no, I have no idea.
In fact, I've never even touched...
I've never, never touched
the stuff at all (sniffing).
So (sniffing) I don't even have any idea.
I mean, (sniffing)...
Really (laughs), I don't know (sniffs).
- [Brenda] Right.
Perhaps there's other drugs on campus
that you would be more aware of?
- Like what?
(footsteps clomping)
Detective Dabias,
what exactly is going on here?
- That's 100% marijuana.
- Fabulous.
Get this.
- Yeah, that's what we've uncovered here
right under the noses of the university.
My, these have gotta be the biggest,
old plants I ever busted.
- [Brenda] Detective, do they know if
it's faculty or students?
- Oh, I can't give you any
more information, dear,
but I can tell you one thing, he's close.
We're getting closer every
day to solving this case,
and we're gonna arrest this perpetrator.
Ma'am I can't tell you too much right now,
but I can tell you that those,
these things are ready for harvestin'.
Mm-hmm.
- Well, do you have any idea
of the amount of money they're worth?
- You could pick these things right now.
Whoever planted this stuff, he's close.
He ain't gonna leave this campus, no.
This old boy,
- Hey!
- he's runnin' this operation
like it-
(Bud laughs)
- Hold this, man.
- Ugh!
- Oh, they found the drugs!
Oh, party time!
Everybody put your hands
together for the cops.
Party time!
You better clap, dammit!
I'm a bust your ass!
Clap!
(crowd applauds)
How you doin'?
My name is Gill Refa,
and I'm with the Special
Petty State Drug Task Force
Coalition of America,
and we've been working for
like months, for months,
on this particular case.
And thanks to these two fine officers,
we have got the drugs right here.
I want to personally thank these guys.
They did a wonderful job.
This is Officer Pink Shirt.
He's like a pimp.
He used to be a pimp,
but now, he's a cop.
And this is Officer Dick.
He's the big Dick.
He look like he in charge of everything.
Got the Columbo look, smell like,
even smell like shit (laughs).
So I'm gonna take this home,
I'm gonna smoke it.
No, I ain't gonna smoke it.
I'm gonna put it home,
put it in the room as Exhibit A.
Y'all did a wonderful job.
Y'all should go get you some donuts.
It's donut time!
Everybody, one more time
for the cops, y'all!
- Are you getting this?
Get in there.
- All this props, y'all.
Y'all did a wonderful job.
Excuse me.
- Hey, hold tight.
- Hold-
(crowd applauds)
- Just go now, Bud,
but thank you.
All right.
Good.
- The cops!
(crowd continues applauding)
- [Coach] What exactly
were you hollerin' about
up there in them bleachers, son?
- Well-
(phone rings)
- What exactly were you
screaming about quitting?
(Coach farts)
- I just had a little bit a
smokin' problem, you know?
So we-
- Ended quitting?
- Yeah, finally, yes.
- Have you figured out how yet?
- No, I just realized today.
- Well, it takes a big man to realize
that there's a somthin' (farts)
causin' a problem in his life, you know?
- You see what happened-
- The question
was rhetorical, son.
I just wanna win.
- Sorry, Coach.
- Now, we're going to take
'em at nationals this year,
and you're gonna help us get there.
Go on, get the hell outta here.
- Okay, Coach.
(slurping)
(water gurgling)
- What's up, freshman?
- Hey, listen,
I've been wantin' to tell you somethin'.
- Tell me what?
(squeaking)
(finger boinging)
- I'm ready for your name right now.
(Craig laughs)
- You...
You just...
(continues laughing)
And how do you figure
you're gonna do that, hmm?
- You like competition, right?
(triumphant instrumental music)
- Let me get this straight.
You win, I get outta Lisa's life forever.
I win, you quit the track team,
and leave the university, and that's it.
- That's it?
- Remind me to give you some references
to some junior colleges I know.
(inhales sharply)
(triumphant instrumental music continues)
(Angel laughs)
(whistle trills)
(Craig sniffs)
- [Coach] All right, let's go.
On your marks.
(triumphant instrumental music continues)
(whistle trills)
(footsteps clomping)
(triumphant instrumental music continues)
(Ed groans)
- Ew!
(Craig yells)
- [Craig] Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, boy!
(triumphant music continues)
(whistle trills)
- What?
You lied to me, Yolanda?
- I didn't know how to tell you, Sádico.
- Well, if he's not the
father of that baby,
then who is?
Who?
(Yolanda shakily sobs)
- Please, please, I'm begging you.
Please don't kill him.
- Who?
(Yolanda continues sobbing)
Who?
- Angel.
- Angel?
Angel who?
- It's Angel.
It's Angel.
(dinging)
- Who?
(whistle trills)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Okay, don't stop (gun clicks)
until your clips are empty.
(gun clicks)
- Got you, Papi.
- Alonza.
- Keep up.
- Okay now, on my count.
One, two, three.
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(feet shuffling)
Hey, freeze!
- Freeze!
- Don't shoot.
I got glaucoma.
(gun clicks)
- Glaucoma.
- I got glaucoma.
- [Dabias] Can you see that?
- Yeah, (stammers) I can see that.
- It was a student who tipped us off.
That's how we found out
who this perpetrator was
runnin' a million dollar a year business
right here in the campus.
(Dabias coughs)
- A million dollars, get it?
- Yeah.
- Custodian by day,
drug kingpin all night.
Yeah.
- Detective,
do you have any comments?
- We caught the bad mother, baby.
- [Brenda] Were there any others?
- I mean, who'd have
known it was the real dirt
was the folks that was
supposed to be cleanin' it up.
We're rounding everybody
up for interviews.
He's not speaking with us.
He's not giving us names,
but we know there's others out there,
that's for sure.
Yeah.
- We're gonna make that canary sing.
Get it?
- Yeah.
This case ain't closed yet.
(gunshots blasting)
(heavy breathing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(crowd gasps)
(indistinct chattering)
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(gunshots blasting in the distance)
(gunshots firing)
(objects clattering)
- Culo!
- Okay.
- You don't fuck with
Sádico's sister, maricón.
- Yo, come on, man.
Please, yo!
(gun clicks)
Please, I-
(female screams)
- Okay, say hello to my little friend!
(gun clicks)
- Freeze!
(siren wails in the distance)
- We got us some more bad mothers, baby.
(siren continues wailing)
- [Dabias] All right, boys,
put your guns down slowly.
Come on!
Put your gun down!
(indistinct police radio chatter)
(Angel groans)
(footsteps clomping)
(police radio chirps)
(footsteps continue clomping)
(indistinct chattering)
- I'm coming to you live
from inside PSU University,
where just moments ago
police arrested several armed gang members
involved in a violent campus shootout.
The gang members are also being questioned
in their possible role in running
a million dollar a year drug operation
through the school's custodial office.
Details are still a bit sketchy.
But so far,
indicative of a changing
educational environment,
where drugs, gangs, and violence
continue to work their
way into our schools.
I'm Brenda Foresight coming to
you live from PSU University.
Jake!
Jake!
Let's get the story.
(footsteps clomping)
(indistinct police radio chatter)
(Brenda speaks indistinctly)
(police radio chirps)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Hey, what up, baby?
- [Ed] What's up, pimp?
- Hey, yo, man,
that was some crazy stuff
that jumped off the other day.
- Yeah, that was crazy, right?
What happened to y'all, though?
Y'all bounced.
- Nah, man, it wasn't even like that.
We had class.
- (sucks teeth) Yeah, right.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
Yo, sorry about the dorm change, though.
- Yo, don't even sweat it, man.
Found out the coach made you do it.
- Nah, man, I'm quittin'.
Yo, Coach, you know,
gave me a car for a clinic
off campus for rehab.
I think I'm a go.
He says, I still have enough time
to make the Collegiate Final.
- A'ight!
Yo, you know I'm a be
there rootin' for you, man.
- Word.
Thanks, man.
Yo, you can come if you want to.
- No, I think I'm gonna just
chill here for a minute.
Besides, I've been thinking
about re-registering for class,
you know, before the deadline.
- Seriously?
- For real.
- Yeah, man.
That's hot.
(Bud scoffs)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Well, things worked out after all.
Decided to clean up my act,
and things started falling into place,
classes, track,
and you know, (chuckles) I
got the girl of my dreams.
The moral of the story
is sometimes a simple life change
can make a big difference in
how things turn out for you.
It certainly did in mine.
Oh, wait a minute.
One more thing.
Angel, well, his decisions
caught up with him too.
- This is gonna be your home
for the next seven years, my friend.
(cell doors clanking)
(intense dramatic music)
(indistinct chattering)
(alarm sounding)
(door clangs)
(cell door clatters)
He was beggin' us to share your cell.
(door slams shut)
(Angel breathes heavily)
(guard laughs)
- It's been a long time, huh, Eddie?
- No!
(Angel yells indistinctly)
(bite crunching)
Please!
(alarm blares)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
(electronic buzzing)
(explosion booming)
(uptempo hip-hop music)
(buzzer sounds)
(intense dramatic music)
(indistinct chattering)
(door slams shut)
- Come on, creep.
- Settle down.
(cuffs rattling)
(uptempo hip-hop music)
- [Ed] So this is the beginning
of when my world came crashing down.
The dude on the left
that kinda look like Elvis Presley
before the weight, that's Angel.
Tell you about him later.
Mr. Orange Jumpsuit,
well, that's Sádico.
His name means sadistic in Spanish.
And they're both looking for me.
- Did you message Angelito?
- That's the word on the streets, Sádico.
- Good.
And what's the name of
the university, Papi?
- We don't know,
but we're gonna find out.
- (speaks in foreign
language) You'll find out.
Find out!
(head thuds)
Find out!
Fine, find out!
(Sádico yells)
- Jesus!
Grab him.
(Sádico continues yelling)
Pull him!
(alarm sounds)
(alarm continues sounding)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
(car engines roaring)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Bah bum bum ♪
- [Ed] Well, seeing how
everybody was looking for me,
I figure I'll save them the trouble
and disappear for a while.
Let's just say, I needed
a change in scenery.
(bus engine rumbles)
Why?
Well, here's what happened.
I was low-level, a pharmaceuticals agent,
working for Sádico,
and like any good sales person,
I had to try out the product
before selling it to my customers.
Well, one of those fools snitched on me,
and Sádico threatened me with a banana.
- You work for me, cojon, okay?
- [Ed] But instead, he
decided to transfer me
to another position within the company,
the Claims Department.
(shuffling)
- Don't you dare touch me!
(female screams)
- [Ed] As I rose through the ranks,
others weren't so lucky.
(speaks indistinctly and
speaks in foreign language)
(snaps fingers)
- Banana.
- Banana, brought it.
(male whimpers)
- Not the banana, Sádico?
(male continues whimpering)
- This'll teach you never
to steal from Sádico.
(male whimpers)
(banana peel lashing)
(Sádico groans)
(banana peel continues lashing)
- [Ed] I ain't never seen
nothing so brutal in all my life.
The banana, that was Sádico at his worst.
- Pendejo!
(male whimpers)
(indistinct chattering)
- [Ed] Anyway, things were going well.
I got another promotion.
(footsteps clomping)
- Hi, Sádico.
(briefcase lid thuds)
- Ah, man.
- So this is where you be hiding?
- You can't, you can't be here, mami.
- [Ed] But then Sádico's
sister came into town.
(Yolanda sighs)
Man, it was like love at first sight,
like that movie "Sleepless in Seattle".
- Hey, something wrong
with your eyes, Moreno?
- [Ed] Yeah, you guessed it.
(Yolanda moans)
Your boy was about to
take a trip down the Love Canal.
- Come on, take me.
- No, come on, come on.
And she was drivin' the boat.
Come on, come on!
Slow down, slow down, please.
- Take me now.
- Listen, listen.
(Yolanda moans)
No, no!
(smooching)
But it turned out to be the "Titanic".
- Find him.
(Yolanda sobs)
- [Ed] A week late, she was pregnant.
- Find him.
Find him!
- But it wasn't mine.
Look, look, look, look,
I changed my mind.
- What?
Sorry, Yolanda, but my
shit can't even get hard.
So I had to bounce.
- Wake your ass up!
You ain't gonna be nothing.
All you hip-hop, hippy-hop,
whatever you call yourself!
Hell, all that education ain't
gonna amount to be nothing!
- What's wrong with you, man?
- What the hell's wrong with...
What the hell's wrong with you?
I'm just an angry black bus driver,
that's what the hell's wrong with me!
Damn hip-hop hippety,
get off my bus.
(bus engine rumbles)
(footsteps clomping)
What the hell is that?
(bus horn honks)
(engine rumbles)
- So I was ready to leave
my past behind for good.
Some place those gang bangers
would never think to look.
I enrolled in college.
To tell you the truth,
I wasn't even supposed
to make it this far.
See, I'm the first one in
my family to go to college.
(camera shutter clicks)
I won a track scholarship.
Used to do a lot of running
back in high school.
(gunshots firing)
(siren wails)
(indistinct chattering)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(indistinct chattering continues)
- The street life was
really pullin' at me.
- No.
- Get from the door girl.
Give me that!
- I just couldn't get away from it.
I was like Al Pacino in "Godfather", man.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(joint sizzles)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- Now, that was my last hit.
You see, universities don't
allow stuff like this.
My pops said, I'd never be able to do it.
- Boy, you ain't nothing but
a hophead with a capital H,
which is the reason why
I abandoned the family.
- I'll let someone else enjoy this.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
(birds chirping)
♪ Hey ♪
- The resolution calls for
a full investigation of our
campus by the state police.
All those in favor of us allowing
the state police on our campus
to conduct their investigation
without any interference
whatsoever, say aye.
- [All Members] Aye.
- It's decided then.
(uptempo instrumental music)
(indistinct chattering)
- [Team] Okay!
- Give me a P.
- P!
- Give me an S.
- S!
- Give me a U.
- U!
- Give me a U.
- U!
- [Team] PSUU!
(uptempo instrumental music continues)
(indistinct chattering)
(uptempo instrumental music continues)
(objects clattering)
- [Ed] Every college
got one of these guys.
Just my luck.
(books thudding)
- I'm, like, most apologetic.
(thudding)
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Now that's how it goes
down where I'm from,
but that's the old me.
I'm doin' all right.
See, where I'm from,
I see enough cats in my neighborhood
gets smoked over nothing.
- C-SPAN, that joint comes on
at eight o'clock every night.
- Come on at 2:45.
- It comes on at 2:30-
- Whatever, man.
- You think you know everything.
- Six o'clock.
(gunshot blasts)
- Thank you, sir.
- Sure.
Yo, where the Registration Hall at?
- As a matter of fact,
you're not too far from it.
My name is Melvin Haynesworth III,
president of the Debate Team,
and soon to be member of
Come and Get Some More Pi.
Freshmen?
- Yeah.
(Melvin clears throat)
- Have you received your
room assignment as of yet?
- No.
- No?
Just come with me.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Damn, man, that's a long ass line.
- Not to worry.
As president to the Debate Team,
and soon to be member of
Come and Get Some More Pi,
I use my clout as often as
I possibly can on campus.
(clicks teeth)
Just follow me.
(phone rings)
(indistinct chattering)
- [Maggie] Next!
(Melvin clears throat)
- Excuse me.
(footsteps shuffling)
Hi, Maggie-
- Young man,
if you don't get your skinny little butt
to the back of that line...
- But-
- Now!
- Sorry I couldn't help you.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Next!
(phone rings)
- Hi, I never got a room assignment.
- Let's see your registration card.
(paper rustling)
You're on Ballad Quad, room 420.
Next!
(phone rings)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(indistinct chattering)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
- Ah, this must be it?
Can't wait to meet my dorm mate.
Away from the hood, finally, for real.
(knocks at door)
(dramatic hip-hop music)
(Ed coughs)
(door slams shut)
(Ed groans)
(dramatic hip-hop music continues)
- Yo, that's my dawg.
Welcome home, baby!
Ya mean?
Yo, what up, dawg?
Welcome home!
- Uh-oh.
- Get at me, dawg.
You know what I mean?
Try some of this weed!
- No, I'm not really-
- What, you scared?
If you scared, I can take you home.
This is what college is about!
Bitches, partying, and weed!
- But I'm-
- Ain't no "but" nothin',
so sit your monkey ass down.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Don't take my kindness for weakness.
- Please-
- No, no, no, get that!
- Can't go to another funeral!
- Forget that!
You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm a smoke this fool,
- Come on, baby!
- like I did my last roommate
who tried to ignore me.
You know what I'm saying?
- Can't go to-
(Ed screams)
(winding down echo)
(Bud laughs)
(both laughing)
(female claps)
- That's what I'm talking about, baby.
Welcome to college, kid!
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Ah, hell nah.
I didn't leave the tranquility
of the hood for this.
Man, this my new roommate?
What you mean, I can't
get another roommate?
- Like I told you a minute ago, homeboy,
room assignments are full.
On-campus housing is limited this semester
due to overenrollment.
Why, you're lucky you even got a room.
- I'm lucky?
Look at my clothes.
Man, I'm fixin' to smoke this fool.
- I'm sorry, sir.
There's also no smoking on campus.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(phone rings)
(indistinct chattering)
(thudding)
(Lisa scoffs)
(books clattering)
(whimsical tones)
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Her book.
- Oh.
- Her book.
- Oh.
(gentle instrumental music)
- Thanks.
(drum roll beating)
(triumphant tones)
- Hey, my little love niblett (sniffs).
- Hi, baby.
- Hey.
(both giggling)
(Lisa moans)
(intense sniffing)
Craig, why do you always do that?
- I'm just checkin', baby.
(spray spritzing)
Just checking (sniffs).
(chuckles) Guess what, baby?
- What?
- I wrote you a poem.
(Craig chuckles)
- You did?
- Yeah.
(both giggling)
Okay (sniffs).
I loved in me.
You loved in me.
We loved in me (laughs).
(both laughing)
Come on, baby, let's go watch me prac.
Come on.
- [Ed] Just my luck,
first, my roommate,
now fake ass Langston Hughes
got the girl of my dreams.
(smooching)
- What's up?
(dramatic instrumental music)
(bell dings)
(indistinct chattering)
(papers rustling)
(indistinct chattering continues)
(professor sucks lips)
(animals bleating)
(indistinct chattering)
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
- Just hold on, hold on.
Me name is Professor Buckshot.
(gunshot blasts)
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
Now, don't go on after you make me vex.
Now, the truth of the matter is,
most of y'all, you will be gone,
long gone, by next semester.
Now, the truth of the matter is,
I, Professor Buckshot,
(gunshot blasts)
believe in discipline in me class.
And for you, if you're
late once, you fail.
If you miss a quiz, you fail.
If a pussy or bomboclaat
rass ass ever cheat, whoo,
I personally make sure
you never attend another
university in the galaxy.
Jah Rastafari Selassie I know.
(whimsical tones)
- [Professor Deafandumb]
Students, welcome to Physics 101.
My name is Professor Deafandumb.
We're going to focus on
the basic laws of physics.
And first, I'm going to write
a very great formula on the board.
(chalkboard clacks)
- Excuse me, Professor.
- Yes?
- I can't find that formula in our book.
- This is the formula for the fruit salad.
The fruit salad is the most
important thing there is.
Yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
- Okay, let's get straight to business.
My name is Professor Rayner Shine,
(students laughing)
and you will address me as such.
Now, I hope that most of you
have reviewed the Syllabus,
and have gotten the 33 books
needed for this course.
(electronic whirring)
Good.
- So here I was, my first day in college,
and I don't think I'm gonna make it.
It's so different from what I'm used to,
plus I'm missin' my smoke.
But hey, maybe things will get better?
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(indistinct chattering)
(whistle trills)
(footsteps clomping)
(indistinct chattering continues)
(knocking at door)
(door creaks open)
Coach?
Hey.
(Coach farting)
- I know who the hell you are.
Now, you listen to me.
This ain't your goddamn
streets or your hood.
Let me be frank with you.
(phone rings)
Your high school coach
is a good friend of mine.
We were in the Olympics together,
and that is the only reason why
you are within smellin'
distance of this university.
- But-
- But nothin'!
You shut your mouth, son.
If I even get the feeling
that you are messin' up,
I am on your ass!
Do I make myself clear?
That question was rhetorical.
(Coach farts)
Now, our program is one of
the best in the country.
(Coach farts)
Do you know why?
(farting continues)
Answer me, goddammit!
- No, sir.
- Then I'll tell you why.
(Coach farts)
It's because of discipline, Mr. Green.
Now I hear that you have some
talent for short sprints,
but little discipline.
Now, we wanna win at nationals this year,
and with your help,
I think we're gonna get there.
Now, why don't you go out and
meet the rest of your team?
(cheerleaders chanting indistinctly)
(mellow instrumental music)
(Craig yells)
(footsteps clomping)
(mellow instrumental music continues)
- What's up, man?
- So you're the new jack, huh?
- Nah.
- I'm Craig (sniffs), Craig
Williams, team captain.
(cheerleaders chant indistinctly)
- I'm Ed Green, freshman.
- I can tell.
So Ed Green, freshman,
what brings you to PSUU?
- A scholarship.
- A scholarship?
- Yeah, you know, I figured
being this is one of the
best schools in the country,
come out here, and make a name for myself.
(whistle trills)
- Make a name for yourself?
- Yeah.
- Then, my friend, you're
gonna have to change your name.
- Word?
To what?
- (sniffs) Craig Williams.
(cheerleaders chant indistinctly)
(mellow instrumental music)
- Girl, Craig's doing you
wrong, from what I heard.
- Let's not go there, Jo, okay?
You always have something
to say about him.
He's either doin' this,
- I'm just telling you.
- or he's doing that.
You are always hatin'.
Why?
- Hatin'?
- That's right.
- Oh, let's not.
(Lisa scoffs)
- Look, he's popular, okay?
And half these girls out here
would jump at the first
chance to be with him,
so I'm just...
I don't wanna hear all this gossip.
- You know what?
You're just my girl,
and I'm just looking out for you.
I don't wanna see you hurt.
Okay?
(Lisa laughs)
- [Lisa] Jerk.
- See?
- Man, this place is crazy.
- Yeah, this place is crazy.
You got that one.
- Get it?
- Got it.
- Crazy.
(upbeat instrumental music)
(keyboard clacks)
- That'll be due on Tuesday.
- [Ed] How much is your postcards?
- Freshman?
Postcards are free at
Petty State University.
It's in your Syllabus.
There you go.
(whimsical tomes)
- Free.
Hey, Mama.
Sending you this postcard to let you know
college ain't that bad.
I especially am looking
forward to some biology.
You know, learning about
mating rituals in the wild,
exploring exotic mammals,
observing and appreciatin' their behavior.
That's right.
That's what my college experience
was starting to look like.
Oh, by the way,
I definitely gotta straighten
out my roommate situation.
- [Bud] Girl, you ain't
ready for this, huh?
- Oh, yes, I am.
- This what you
been waitin' on?
Huh?
- Heck, yeah.
Come on, baby.
- Okay (claps).
Let's get it goin' then.
- Okay.
- [Bud] Put the arm up there then.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- Yes.
- [Bud] About to get crazy up in here.
- Come on.
(interposing voices)
- What you tryin' to do?
(female yells)
Now, move in.
Girl.
(both grunting)
Come on.
- Come on, baby.
- [Bud] I'm gonna give it to you, girl!
- [Female] Oh, god!
- [Bud] Daddy gonna give you
just what you need!
(smacking)
- [Female] Is that it?
- Oh, girl, no, no, no, no,
I know what you're (mumbles).
(smacking)
Take some of that to you.
- [Female] Come on, baby.
Give it to me!
- [Bud] Okay, okay,
okay, hold yourself now.
You don't really want
what you're asking for,
'cause I'm a give it to you now!
- [Female] Bud, stop
acting like a punk bitch!
- Oh, okay, you want the rough stuff.
You want that WF-type-shit.
Okay.
Okay, well, then take this then.
Elbow drop!
(Bud groans)
(thudding)
(female groans)
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
That turn you on, huh?
- Oh, my gosh.
- [Bud] One more!
Elbow!
(thudding)
(Bud groans)
(female moans)
You like that?
- Oh, baby, yes.
- Huh, you like that?
- Yeah, come on, baby.
- Elbow!
- [Female] Give it to me.
(thudding)
(Bud groans)
- Oh, baby, come on!
- Yeah, this is my match.
Here we go.
This what we're waitin' on.
- Give it to me.
- Leg drop!
- Give it to me.
Give it-
(Bud groans)
(female yells)
- [Female] Oh, baby!
Oh.
- Who the champ?
- [Female] You're the champ.
You're the champ.
- Give me the belt.
Give me the belt.
- [Female] You are the champ, yep.
You are the champ.
(female moans)
- Oh, yeah!
Champion of the world, baby.
When it comes to smackin' the ass,
I'm the undisputed king of that.
Ew, yeah, nobody's better than me.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah!
I'll smack it up, lick
it, rub it down, baby,
'cause I'm gonna give it to
you just like you like it.
(female moans)
Oh!
- Excuse me, I don't mean to
interrupt whatever that is.
- My man!
What's up, dawg?
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Give me one second.
Don't you go nowhere.
- Goin' nowhere, baby.
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- [Female] Okay.
- Ed, I'm comin' for you, baby!
Yeah!
- So you understand when I say,
I'm just tryin' to get my shit together?
(Bud farting)
You know, I don't need no distraction.
You know what I'm saying?
- For sure, bet.
(Bud farting)
I'm trying to get my shit together too.
(farting)
(liquid sloshing)
- Nah.
- What's wrong, man?
(Bud farting)
(Ed scoffs)
(farting continues)
- I forgot, you ain't never gonna
be able to put quit anyway,
which is the second reason
I abandoned the family.
- This is definitely my last hit.
- You need to quit messing around, man,
and try some of that chronic.
(farting)
(liquid sloshing)
(joint sizzles)
- I know what you're thinking,
but it's been a stressful day so far.
Plus, look at who my roommate is.
(liquid sloshing)
(Ed gags)
(coughing)
(liquid sloshing)
(both coughing)
Damn.
- Exactly.
Look, man, seein' that I've been here
at PSUU for seven years,
(farting) I'm gonna be
like a big brother to you.
You know, take you up under my wing.
Make sure that you stay focused.
- Appreciate that.
- Not a problem.
(Bud farts)
(toilet paper roll clatters)
- Come on, Bud!
Bring your sweet ass back on in here.
(imitates growling)
(tiger growls)
(Bud farts)
- Oh, yeah, Bud,
(Bud farts)
the freak,
and the freaky stuff,
(liquid sloshing)
gonna have to go.
(Bud groans)
- Yo, man, that freak, that's my girl.
(liquid sloshing)
(Bud grunts)
- I know, man, but she's not a tenant,
and she's not even a student here.
- A'ight, cool, cool, cool.
Man, look, I got you.
But first things first,
we're gonna have to get you acclimated
with college environment.
- Acclimated?
(crowd cheers)
(upbeat dance music)
(crowd continues cheering)
(male yells indistinctly)
(upbeat dance music continues)
- Hi!
- Yo, what's up, freshman?
- Hey, man, finally get off that line?
(both laughing)
- Told you, man,
you ain't gotta worry about 'nathen.
I'm a take you up under my wing, baby.
It's official.
(upbeat dance music continues)
(bottle clatters)
Damn, I thought it was a coffee table.
(crowd cheering)
(upbeat dance music continues)
(male speaks indistinctly)
- [Male] Let's go.
We go, we go, we go.
- [Fraternity Pledges] P-U-S-S-Y,
that's what we are, we are!
P-U-S-S-Y, that's what we are, we are!
P-U.
P-U.
- Greetings, brothers,
from come around and give me some,
- [Fraternity Pledges] More!
- Presenting Big Brother D-Rock!
(drum roll bangs)
- Presenting Big Brother D-Rock!
- Presenting Big Brother D-Rock!
(drum roll intensifies)
(paddle thuds)
(cymbals clang)
(triumphant music)
(paddle thuds)
- So fellas.
- Aye!
- Are you ready for a show?
- [Fraternity Members] Showtime!
- I said...
(grunting)
- Oh, shit!
(grunting continues)
(feet clomping)
- A one!
(grunting continues)
- Yeah!
(grunting continues)
(feet clomping)
(male speaks indistinctly)
(heavy breathing)
- OG!
- What you gonna do now?
Big Brother D-Rock.
- [D-Rock] Let me show
you what I'm about to do.
- [Fraternity Members] Ah, shit!
- Everybody knows.
- Everybody!
- I said, everybody knows
if you wanna be in this organization,
you're gonna have to
prove that you're worthy!
Prove it with your grit!
- [Fraternity Pledges]
Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
- Worthy means PUSSY.
PUSSY means worthy.
- [Fraternity Members] Worthy means PUSSY.
PUSSY means worthy.
- Do we make that clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(interposing voices)
- [Male] That sorry bunch of folks.
- Go out and get me some panties,
some dirty, stank, soakin' panties.
Move it!
(footsteps clomping)
Not you.
See, let me tell you somethin'.
I don't see no PUSSY in your future.
- Oh, no.
- Zip.
- Mm-mm.
- So let's get this
straight right now.
Yo, somebody go over there and get V'oka.
- Oh.
- Not V'oka.
- [Male] Dang.
- I don't want you to leave this spot.
You will shit in this spot,
you will jackoff in this spot,
but you better not leave this spot.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(chicken clucking)
- Where is that bird?
- What is that?
- Presenting
Ms. V'oka Alcohol.
- Thank you (mumbles).
(male laughs)
You will take this bottle,
you will lick her (slurping),
you will caress her,
and you will hold her just
to see some sweet ass pussy.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(chicken clucks)
- Is there a bird in here?
- There's a bird there?
- And by the end of the night,
I want this bitch consumed.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Big Brother D-Rock!
(chicken clucking)
(paddle thuds)
(Melvin screams)
- [Fraternity Members] OG, OG, OG, OG, OG,
OG, OG, OG, OG, OG!
(whimsical tones)
- Yo, you know where the bathroom's at?
- Yeah, yeah.
What you wanna do, is you
wanna go out this door,
you gonna make a right,
two steps down, you gonna make a left.
If you ain't pissed on yourself by then,
ask the first cat you come up to,
he'll be able to tell you.
(upbeat piano tune)
(record scratching)
(toilet flushing)
(footsteps clomping)
- [Ed] Now, this ain't
none of my business,
but I knew there was something
fraudulent about this dude.
(indistinct chattering)
(zipper unzips)
(Ed sighs)
(liquid sloshing)
(indistinct chattering)
(liquid continues sloshing)
(Ed moans)
(zipper zips)
(Ed sighs)
(toilet flushing)
(intense dramatic tones)
- What's up, Ed Brown, freshman?
- It's Ed-
- Whatever.
That incident just now,
I mean, what you just saw,
that's between me
(sniffs) and me, capisce?
- Okay, you know I thought I-
(footsteps clomping)
(shower curtain clatters)
- Do you have any conditioner?
(bottles clanging)
(upbeat dance music)
(Melvin gags)
(liquid sloshing)
(upbeat dance music continues)
- I love you, V'oka.
(feet shuffling)
(upbeat dance music continues)
- Oh, look, baby.
It's fruit cocktail.
- Cool.
(punch sloshing)
- Want a cup?
- Oh, thanks.
(punch sloshing)
Cheers.
- Yeah.
(upbeat dance music continues)
- Hmm, yummy.
(indistinct chattering)
- Chunky, but good.
(upbeat dance music continues)
(whimsical tones)
- From the blocks,
- Okay.
- that's where
you win the race.
Winning, right?
- Win.
- Freeze right there, boy!
- Give me an S.
- S!
- Give me a U.
(Coach farts)
- Here we go again!
Here we go again.
Maybe you didn't understand what I meant
by being on time to track practice.
I'm gonna teach you some discipline, boy.
- But Coach, I was-
- No!
Zip it!
Nope, newp, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
(Coach farts)
Give me 50 laps now!
- 50 laps?
But that's the 800 meter dash, Coach.
- Do you hear me (Coach
stammers) stuttering?
- Give me a P.
- P!
- Give me an S.
- S!
- Give me a U.
- U!
(whistle trills)
- Give me a U.
- [Team] U!
P-S-U-U!
- You lack form, son.
- Form?
- Form, F-O-M.
Just watch me!
Behold.
(whimsical tones)
On your marks, get set,
(intense dramatic music)
go, Coach.
(Coach grunts)
Ow, ew, ow, ew, ow.
(Coach groans)
Now, you try.
(indistinct yelling)
(intense dramatic tones)
- Are you sure this is for you?
Don't know too many
Spanish people named Green.
- We black Spanish.
- Yeah.
(whimsical tones)
- He sent this, Sádico.
Petty State University,
that's where he is.
- What I want is for you to
go to Petty State University,
and take care of this problem for good.
- But Sádico, it's at university, man.
It's scary-
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
(Sádico intensely grunts)
- What you talking, man?
- You, Juan, (speaks in
Spanish) register for classes.
You're gonna be students
for a good little while,
and that's how you'll get him.
(Angel breathes heavily)
- Look, okay, Sádico.
- Find him, that little
(speaks indistinctly).
(Sádico grunts and groans)
(indistinct chattering)
(alarm sound)
(guards speak indistinctly)
- [Guard] Pull him!
(indistinct yelling)
(alarm continues sounding)
(inmates cheering)
- Jesus, you foul mouth!
(inmates continue cheering)
(interposing voices)
(Sádico speaks indistinctly)
(alarm blares)
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
- Take it easy, man.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- [Both] Whoa!
(Bud coughs)
- Yo, man, I'll be right back.
- [Ed] Where you going, son?
- Yo, I don't know about you, dawg,
but I got the munchies.
- Munchies?
- Yeah, for some puddin'.
- Pudding?
- The pudding is calling me.
I'm going to go over and
say hello to the pudding.
You see, because when you have a dime bag,
your moth gets dry,
and you need the pudding
to salivate the tongue.
So I'm going to get some
of the pudding (groans)!
- I think it's hot.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
- [Male] Yo, man.
What's up?
- What's the deal?
- What's goin' on, big guy?
- Yo, dude,
pass the spliff, yo.
Most definitely, pass the spliff, please.
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Ew.
- Yo, yo, wanna be!
- Oh, shit (coughs).
- Fee-fi-fo-fum, I think
I smell a pledgin'.
(both laughing)
(male groans)
- Yo, yo, yo, chill, man.
Leave him alone.
Leave him alone, son.
- [Male] Nerd boy.
Dweeb!
- Thanks.
- Yo, son, can I talk to you for a minute?
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
Yo, I never really got
a chance to thank you
for helping me out on
my first day of class.
- My pleasure.
(birds chirping)
- If you don't mind me asking,
what's with all this pledgin' nonsense?
I mean, forget about the fraternity.
Just be yourself.
- All my life, I've wanted to be a leader,
but it's easier sometimes
being a follower.
I guess you would know
more than anyone else
what I'm talking about.
- What do you mean?
(triumphant tones)
Wait, I have been smoking
a lot since I got here.
Hangin' with Bud,
I guess I just fell back into my old ways.
(feet stamping)
(whimsical tones)
(Bud coughs)
(Ed laughs)
Yo, I know he ain't been
to no Olympics, man.
- Nah.
- Hittin' me with some jah.
- Yo, Ed, man,
you the only brother I know
smoke more weed than I do.
- He ain't got no form.
Son, you should've seen him out there,
son, talkin' about "behold".
(knocking at door)
(door creaks open)
- Oh, hi, I was just lookin' for Bud.
(whimsical tones)
(gentle instrumental music)
Hello?
- Oh, Bud is inside.
Why don't you come in?
(door slams shut)
(door clatters open)
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Why don't you come in?
(footsteps clomping)
(door slams shut)
- [Lisa] Of course.
- What you doin' here?
- Ma keeps gettin' on me
about why you're not callin' her.
It's been three weeks, Bud.
- Ma?
- Yeah, I know, I know, I've
been meaning to call her.
It's just shit been crazy hectic, sis.
- Sis?
- She's still asking me
when you're gonna graduate.
- What'd you tell her?
- The truth, never.
(Ed clears throat)
- Yo, Lisa, this is my new roommate, Ed.
Ed, this my think she fine sister, Lisa.
(Lisa scoffs)
- Nice to meet you, Ed.
- What's up, Lisa?
- Anyway, I delivered the message,
so call, Bud.
- Don't put your hands on me.
- [Lisa] Whatever!
And clean up this nasty room.
- I was gonna eat that.
- I know exactly what y'all thinking.
(whimsical tones)
- Do you, Ed Green,
take Lisa Banner
to be your lawful-
- Yo, son, son, son, son,
you gotta hurry up, man.
This a fantasy.
- Oh, well, then you may kiss the bride.
(record scratching)
♪ I wanna touch your ass ♪
♪ I wanna feel your g-string ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I wanna touch you baby ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- Yo, yo, you messin' up my fantasy, dude.
You ain't even supposed to be here.
(zipper zips)
(wedding march plays)
(smooching)
- Ah, come on, dawg.
What is all that about, man?
I like fish with my bone.
(siren wails)
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
- Howdy, boys!
Y'all ain't from around here, are you?
- No, sir, Italy (chuckles).
- I see.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Well, I don't know what the
speed limit is down in Italy,
but us here in this state
like to keep it at a
respectable 60 miles per hour.
Driver's license, please?
(police radio chirps)
(indistinct radio chatter)
Italians too?
- Yes, sir.
- Sanchez, now that's a nice,
respectable Italian name.
- Yeah (laughs).
(police radio chirps)
(indistinct radio chatter)
(police radio chirps)
- Okay, put the guns under the seat.
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
(upbeat pop music)
- This place is crazy.
- Yeah, this place is crazy.
(upbeat pop music continues)
♪ You know you've made it ♪
♪ When you've got some white girls ♪
♪ In your bathroom ♪
♪ You know you've made it ♪
(footsteps clomping)
♪ When you ♪
- Oh, what's up, baby?
Yo, you woke up just in time, man.
We was about to start
the party without you.
(whimsical tones)
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
(Ed sighs)
(mysterious dramatic tones)
- Yo, (voice echoes)
what's going on?
- It's a test.
- What?
- It's a test.
- Mr. Green (voice echoes).
(animal bleating)
- Breast.
(chickens clucking)
(animals bleating)
- Mr. Green (voice echoes).
What happen to you?
- I'm feelin' real bionic right now.
- Yeah, man.
Yeah, I got the chronic you sent me.
Matter of fact, it's
right here in front of me.
(inhales deeply)
Yeah, I smoked a little bit earlier,
but yeah, my roommate, he
had a whole blunt to himself.
Why?
What?
Laced with angel dust?
Man, how you gonna send
me the wrong goddamn bag?
Yo, that's some foul ass shit of you, man!
- Mr. Green, leave (voice echoes).
- Leave (voice echoes)?
- Hey, bomboclaat, (voice echoes).
(Ed stammers)
(evil laughing)
(Ed continues stammering)
Hey, bomboclaat, you
failed (voice echoes).
(animals bleating)
(footsteps clomping)
Idiot!
(intense dramatic music)
(Ed yells)
(quirky instrumental music)
(Ed continues yelling)
(quirky instrumental music continues)
- You gave me some angel dust?
- Look, man, what happened was,
the guy that sold it to me,
he told me-
- I know what happened.
I'm failing all my classes
'cause of you, man,
My head is hurtin'.
Yo, I played myself
runnin' around the campus
half butt-naked humpin' the ground.
Man, what kinda crazy madness is that?
- Look, I'm sorry, man (scoffs).
- Look, I didn't come
here for this kinda stuff.
I'm trying to get my life together.
- Look, I'm apologizin', Ed, man.
It was a mix-up.
- Look, you hittin' me with
some jah breezy right now.
You're mix-up.
I can't mess with you no more.
I don't want no more your weed.
No more advice.
I don't even know how I let
you influence me like that.
- I'm sorry, Ed.
It was just a mix-up.
(intense rock tones)
(uptempo mellow music)
- [Ed] So the square root of pi...
Okay, so if we divide 49...
Okay, okay, hold on.
So 93 divided by 78,
the calculus of the geometry...
Ah, man, ah.
Wait a minute.
Hold up, hold up.
(sighs) This is hard, man.
School is hard,
and all this smokin' ain't helpin' either.
Okay, now, et me try this.
Oh, 40...
Okay, you know what?
Let me just try to keep it simple.
Three plus two...
Damn.
I really need to open up a math book.
Hold on.
Three plus one is six minus one.
(whimsical tones)
- What are you having tonight, cowboy?
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(dramatic slurping)
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
(indistinct chattering)
- What's up, y'all?
My name is Pretty Ed.
- [Both] We're just
chilling, waiting on you.
- Both of y'all?
- [Both] Yeah, we're twins.
- My name is Raven, and this is...
- Ravena.
- Raven, Ravena, this
is my lucky night, huh?
- [Both] You're even luckier,
'cause we're Siamese.
- Whoa, Siamese?
- [Both] And you wanna know
where we're connected at?
- Where?
- We share the same-
(alarm clock beeps)
(button clicks)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(indistinct chattering)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah (laughs)!
THat's that shit, boy!
Damn, Ed!
I gotta say, man, I'm pretty surprised
by your sudden change in attitude, bro.
- Yeah, man, you know,
I'm a take your advice,
and just withdraw from class early,
so there won't be no penalty.
- That's right.
And, you know, if you do
it before the deadline,
won't even show up on your GPA.
It'd be like startin' next
semester fresh (laughs).
- Yeah.
- Give me a U.
(both inhaling)
- U!
(both sighing)
- [Team] P-S-U-U!
- Your sister a virgin?
- What?
(whistle trills)
- Yo, I didn't-
- Look, man,
I know what you meant, man!
- I was just asking-
- No, no, no, no,
don't ask, all right?
Look, man, she's a senior,
so you know what that means.
- What?
- She's out your league, bruh.
(whistle zipping)
See that cat right there?
That right there is my
future brother-in-law.
See, that's the black Superman.
He don't drink.
He don't smoke.
I don't even think he curse.
(object boings)
- Pussy motherfuckin' shit!
(Craig yells indistinctly)
You cock motherfucker piece of...
(spring boinging)
Dumb fuckin' shit!
Mother fuck you!
- Better scratch that part out.
You know what your problem is, man?
You are a weedhead.
My sister, she don't
mess with no weedheads.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(indistinct chattering)
(whimsical tones)
(phone ringing)
(whistle zipping)
(footsteps shuffling)
(indistinct chattering)
(phone continues ringing)
- Thanks a lot.
- I'd like to register for school, please.
- Register?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Would that be matric or non-matric?
- I no try to trick you, lady.
- And who might they be?
- My tutors.
- Well, of course.
You have to give me a transcript
of your high school diploma.
(Angel laughs)
- I didn't go to high school, lady.
- You never attended high school
but you wanna register
for college classes?
- Yes.
(dinging)
(indistinct chattering)
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, yo, what the hell's wrong with you?
- Yo, that's my coach, yo.
Don't move.
- I thought you said
you quit the track team?
- I did, I just didn't tell him yet.
So what he's doin'?
(whistle trills)
- Oh, shit.
Yo, Ed, man, he's lookin' over this way.
- Where exactly do you think we could put
that new time clock comin' in next week?
- I was thinkin' somewhere
along the top up there.
- Yo, yo, yo, son,
he's startin' to point up here at you too.
- A little to the left, perhaps?
- Yeah, about there.
That should be fine.
- And you even got the other
coach pointin' up here too.
- Damn!
- Why don't we ask some of these friends?
They should have some idea.
- That's a good idea.
- Hey Craig, come over here for a minute.
- Give me a T.
- T!
- Give me an S.
- Where do think
that new time clock should go?
(Craig sniffs)
(interposing voices)
- [Craig] There would be nice.
- They got the whole team pointin' at ya.
If I was you, I'd just go face the music,
but that's just me.
- Yeah, what do you think?
- All right.
(bleachers clang)
I am ready!
Man, I'm sick and tired
of you tryin' to bash me!
I quit!
I quit!
- He quits!
(whimsical tones)
(uptempo sultry music)
(bag clatters)
- [Ed] Hi.
- Oh, hi.
You're my brother's roommate.
- Ed.
- Right, Ed.
(Lisa giggles)
- I don't mean to bother you,
but I noticed we're taking the same class.
- Oh, really, you're
studying the classics too?
- Oh, yeah, no doubt.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh (giggles).
Funny, I don't remember
seeing your face in class?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm in the class after yours.
- Oh.
- See, I noticed you
when you come out the class.
- Oh, great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Maybe you and I can study tomorrow?
(scoffs) Dante's "Inferno"
is kicking my butt.
- Dante Informal?
What a coincidence.
That's my favorite book.
(Lisa laughs)
- (coughs) Inferno.
- Oh, you readin' that one too?
That's the one about the fire.
The movie, (whistles) off the meat rack.
(Lisa laughs)
- Okay, Ed.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Ed.
- Oh, yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
Okay?
(uptempo sultry music)
(dramatic tones)
- Yo, she said she'd be
here in half an hour.
- So?
- So I can't read this
whole book in half an hour.
- Oh, that definitely
sounds like a problem, man.
You need to try some of this chronic.
- No, I'm cool, man.
- You sure?
- Shh, shh, shh, I'm straight, trust me.
- That just means there's more for me.
(Bud sniffs intensely)
I'm going to get high as
a motherfucker (laughs).
Yo, man, this is just in case
you change your mind later,
and wanna think clearer.
- Hey, yo, Bud?
Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- What you doin' in here?
- Talkin' to you, man.
- Nah, I mean college.
I mean, why are you not in the real world,
you know, gettin' your hustle on?
- This is my hustle, baby.
(upbeat hip-hop plays over the radio)
- You call this a hustle?
- It is for me.
Man, I register for class every year.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I got a place to sleep where
I don't get charged no rent.
I get all the food I want,
three square meals a day.
I got a beautiful view of the
gardens and roses outside.
I get all the girls I want.
Plus, I meet new and exciting
people every single day.
What more do I need?
- But what about the real world?
- The real world is what
you runnin' from, remember?
- Well what about classes, you know?
You know, I've actually been
givin' that some thought.
So I decided to join the Debate Team.
- The Debate Team?
(lighter flicks)
(knocking at door)
Oh, shit!
(door clatters open)
- Hi.
Listen, Ed, I just found out
the exam's not on Dante's "Inferno".
Professor Hegg changed it to
Plato's "Republic" at the last minute.
- Damn.
Sorry to hear that.
- [Bud] I love you, little sis!
- Love you too, Bud.
Anyway, I was hoping maybe
you had read that one too?
- Nah, I'm sorry.
But don't worry,
classics happens to be my thing.
(Lisa scoffs)
- Okay, well, what the hell.
I can use all the help
I can get (chuckles).
Okay, (giggles) great.
So we'll meet by the Martin Building
in a couple of hours?
- I was just about to say that.
Yeah.
(Lisa giggles)
- Okay.
Bud, did you call mom?
- Yeah, I tried to call her yesterday,
but the line was busy.
She ain't paid the bill.
(Lisa scoffs)
- I'll see you later.
- [Ed] No, I'm not gonna do it.
- It's a medical fact
smoking chronic makes you smarter,
and helps your memory (voice echoes).
- Here goes nothin'.
(lighter flicks)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
(uptempo hip-hop music)
- I'm tired of all this cleaning, Papi.
- Me too, man.
Me too.
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
- Keep cleaning.
(uptempo hip-hop music continues)
(leaves rustling)
(keys jingling)
(intense dramatic music)
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
- [Guard] Sanchez, phone call.
- Ciento.
(Sádico thuds)
(Sádico grunts)
(footsteps clomping)
(intense dramatic music continues)
- Yeah, this is Sádico.
- We found him, Sádico,
but there's a lot of people around.
- What do you expect?
It's a college!
- Look, I know, I know, Sádico.
But this is gonna take a
little time to get him alone.
- I don't care, just find him!
- Shit!
(Angel speaks in Spanish)
Sorry-
(door thuds)
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
- [Sádico] Angel?
- I've been lookin' for you new guys
for the last 20 minutes.
I didn't send you to this building.
I said, the Webster Building.
Oh, oh, y'all need it in Spanish.
Webstero.
Why you lookin' all confused and shit for?
Come on.
The third floor bathroom needs mopping,
get to hoppin'!
¡Ándale!
I've been to Mexico!
¡Ándale!
(intense dramatic music)
I'm gonna have to break my
foot off in somebody's ass
before the day is over.
(Sádico speaks in Spanish)
(Sádico grunts)
(phone crunching)
(groaning)
(alarm blares)
(phone clatters)
- Get down!
(Sádico mumbles indistinctly)
- So what it seems Plato
is trying to say here,
is that Aristotle really isn't responsible
for corrupting the minds of the youth.
No more than we can be held responsible
for other people's actions.
- Right, right.
Plato, minds of the youth, corruption,
thrill her like Michael Jackson,
look so lovely at Petty
State Urban University.
(Lisa laughs)
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Let's see what's in this chapter.
- [Ed] Yeah, yeah.
(uptempo sultry music)
(pages rustling)
(uptempo sultry music continues)
- Everything okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's just groovy.
(Lisa laughs)
(uptempo sultry music continues)
So what's up with Super Nigga?
- Who?
- You know, big man on
campus hatin' on me?
- First of all, he's my boyfriend.
And second, he's good to me,
so I'm not lookin' for anybody else,
if that's what you're getting at?
- I'm not hatin'.
I'm just saying, you know,
you can't judge a book by its cover.
All that glitter isn't gold, you know?
In other words,
fuck the nigga.
(Lisa gasps)
Damn, did I say that?
I'm sorry.
- Have you been smoking weed, Ed?
(Ed chuckles)
Now that you say that,
yeah, you know, I smoked a little
just to kinda like help my memory.
- Your memory?
- Yeah.
Little Bud said, it's scientific.
(Lisa scoffs)
- If that were the case,
Bud would have the memory
of a high-tech computer.
- Hold on, wait, where you going?
- In case you haven't
noticed, I'm leaving.
- Why?
- You have a chance to do
something with your life.
Instead, you're choosing
to smoke it all away?
I hate to tell you this, Ed,
but the real ghetto you're
trying to get away from,
it's in your head.
(gentle instrumental music)
(whimsical tones)
- Yeah,
I pretty much hit rock bottom.
I mean, I'm failing all my classes.
I lost a chance at the girl of my dreams.
I mean, what else could go wrong?
(audience applauds)
- Our next debater
is Mr. Bud?
(Bud chuckles)
(imitates howling)
(clears throat)
(smooching)
(patting on back)
- Excuse me.
What's happenin', man?
(Bud grunts)
(paper rustling)
(Bud chuckles nervously)
(clears throat)
(ethereal instrumental music)
(clears throat)
Before we begin this debate today,
I'm going to let all of you know
that I'll be saying some things
that'll be changing the lives
of every American in this room.
Whether you're a black
person or a white person
or an old person or a young person,
we find ourselves victim
to the same type of
hypocrisy here in America.
- [Male Audience Member] Preach, brother!
- Now, I'm telling you,
brothers and sisters,
this hypocrisy has told both you and I
that it's not okay to smoke.
Well, I smoke.
I smoke every day.
And I'm telling you,
the people that say this
to you are the media,
the television.
If you break down the word television,
you can see the hypocrisy,
tell lies and vision.
Tell lie vision.
Do you see the
- Preach, brother!
- hypocrisy that I am
trying to get at?
- Preach, brother!
Preach, brother!
- All right, brother (laughs).
- Preach, brother.
- All right.
See, this is what I am talking about.
This is the very thing
that I am talking about.
This brother's ragiosoty.
If he had a blunt, and
knew how to crack it open,
put the weed down the middle,
lick it, light it, smoke it, and pass it,
he wouldn't have this type of ragiosity.
- [Male Audience Member] Tell the truth!
- That's right, brother.
Puff, puff, and give, give.
That's the rules to the game.
And I am telling you,
the only way to fight this system
that is holding back
our puffing enjoyment,
the only way to fight this system,
and I say again,
- Yeah, brother!
(Bud laughs)
- is brothers listening.
All right, any day.
The only way to fight
this type of rhetoric
is to get yourself a blunt,
lick it, light it, puff it, pass it
by any means necessary.
(audience applauds)
- Asalamalakim.
- And I love the Lakers.
(buzzer buzzing)
(cell door clatters)
(feet squeaking)
(indistinct chattering)
(chains clanking)
- Hi, Sádico.
You sent for me?
- That's right, little sis.
Good news.
We found him.
- You found him?
- Nobody does this to my
little sister and lives.
(intense dramatic music)
I love you, mommy (voice echoes).
(intense dramatic music continues)
(audience applauds)
- Therefore, (clears throat)
legal scholars are expressing concern.
(triumphant instrumental music)
The applause is a bit premature.
Thank you,
but let me just finish, please.
(door clatters)
- Will you hurry up, Dean.
I'm trying to win a journalism award,
and you're just lagging behind.
- I've got 200 pounds of equipment.
(tapping at window)
- [Brenda] Roll it down.
Hey, Detective Dabias,
I don't mean to bother you,
but are you undercover?
- Not anymore, honey.
- [Male] Damn.
- PSUU is a very prestigious university...
- [Group] Puff, puff.
- With an impeccable
reputation for excellence.
- [Group] Puff puff.
- I can assure you,
that there are no drugs on this campus.
- Damn, this shit is blazin'.
(female coughs)
West Side!
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Yo, man, you think we're
addicted to this shit?
I mean, do you think we should quit?
- Addicted?
Come on, man.
Everybody know you can't
get addicted from weed.
This ain't like crack or nothin'.
Besides, if I wanted to stop,
I could right now, today even.
- Really?
(inhales sharply)
- Or next week.
(both laughing)
(imitates dog barking)
- [Brenda] So Mr. Withers,
you've been working here on
campus for how many years?
- Let's see now.
Since my sixth, no, fifth wife.
That was Bernadine.
I was married to Ola Mae,
Ismae, Eliza Mae, Bertha Mae.
(electronic static)
- [Brenda] How many years
have you worked here?
- Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
I've been probably working
here since my last...
What was that, number what?
Number five, my fifth wife, Lula Mae.
Yeah, yeah, she was some
of that big girl too.
A little big girl.
Had a lot of dying problems.
(electronic static)
What was your question?
- [Brenda] Have you seen
anyone smoking marijuana?
- No, no, I have no idea.
In fact, I've never even touched...
I've never, never touched
the stuff at all (sniffing).
So (sniffing) I don't even have any idea.
I mean, (sniffing)...
Really (laughs), I don't know (sniffs).
- [Brenda] Right.
Perhaps there's other drugs on campus
that you would be more aware of?
- Like what?
(footsteps clomping)
Detective Dabias,
what exactly is going on here?
- That's 100% marijuana.
- Fabulous.
Get this.
- Yeah, that's what we've uncovered here
right under the noses of the university.
My, these have gotta be the biggest,
old plants I ever busted.
- [Brenda] Detective, do they know if
it's faculty or students?
- Oh, I can't give you any
more information, dear,
but I can tell you one thing, he's close.
We're getting closer every
day to solving this case,
and we're gonna arrest this perpetrator.
Ma'am I can't tell you too much right now,
but I can tell you that those,
these things are ready for harvestin'.
Mm-hmm.
- Well, do you have any idea
of the amount of money they're worth?
- You could pick these things right now.
Whoever planted this stuff, he's close.
He ain't gonna leave this campus, no.
This old boy,
- Hey!
- he's runnin' this operation
like it-
(Bud laughs)
- Hold this, man.
- Ugh!
- Oh, they found the drugs!
Oh, party time!
Everybody put your hands
together for the cops.
Party time!
You better clap, dammit!
I'm a bust your ass!
Clap!
(crowd applauds)
How you doin'?
My name is Gill Refa,
and I'm with the Special
Petty State Drug Task Force
Coalition of America,
and we've been working for
like months, for months,
on this particular case.
And thanks to these two fine officers,
we have got the drugs right here.
I want to personally thank these guys.
They did a wonderful job.
This is Officer Pink Shirt.
He's like a pimp.
He used to be a pimp,
but now, he's a cop.
And this is Officer Dick.
He's the big Dick.
He look like he in charge of everything.
Got the Columbo look, smell like,
even smell like shit (laughs).
So I'm gonna take this home,
I'm gonna smoke it.
No, I ain't gonna smoke it.
I'm gonna put it home,
put it in the room as Exhibit A.
Y'all did a wonderful job.
Y'all should go get you some donuts.
It's donut time!
Everybody, one more time
for the cops, y'all!
- Are you getting this?
Get in there.
- All this props, y'all.
Y'all did a wonderful job.
Excuse me.
- Hey, hold tight.
- Hold-
(crowd applauds)
- Just go now, Bud,
but thank you.
All right.
Good.
- The cops!
(crowd continues applauding)
- [Coach] What exactly
were you hollerin' about
up there in them bleachers, son?
- Well-
(phone rings)
- What exactly were you
screaming about quitting?
(Coach farts)
- I just had a little bit a
smokin' problem, you know?
So we-
- Ended quitting?
- Yeah, finally, yes.
- Have you figured out how yet?
- No, I just realized today.
- Well, it takes a big man to realize
that there's a somthin' (farts)
causin' a problem in his life, you know?
- You see what happened-
- The question
was rhetorical, son.
I just wanna win.
- Sorry, Coach.
- Now, we're going to take
'em at nationals this year,
and you're gonna help us get there.
Go on, get the hell outta here.
- Okay, Coach.
(slurping)
(water gurgling)
- What's up, freshman?
- Hey, listen,
I've been wantin' to tell you somethin'.
- Tell me what?
(squeaking)
(finger boinging)
- I'm ready for your name right now.
(Craig laughs)
- You...
You just...
(continues laughing)
And how do you figure
you're gonna do that, hmm?
- You like competition, right?
(triumphant instrumental music)
- Let me get this straight.
You win, I get outta Lisa's life forever.
I win, you quit the track team,
and leave the university, and that's it.
- That's it?
- Remind me to give you some references
to some junior colleges I know.
(inhales sharply)
(triumphant instrumental music continues)
(Angel laughs)
(whistle trills)
(Craig sniffs)
- [Coach] All right, let's go.
On your marks.
(triumphant instrumental music continues)
(whistle trills)
(footsteps clomping)
(triumphant instrumental music continues)
(Ed groans)
- Ew!
(Craig yells)
- [Craig] Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, boy!
(triumphant music continues)
(whistle trills)
- What?
You lied to me, Yolanda?
- I didn't know how to tell you, Sádico.
- Well, if he's not the
father of that baby,
then who is?
Who?
(Yolanda shakily sobs)
- Please, please, I'm begging you.
Please don't kill him.
- Who?
(Yolanda continues sobbing)
Who?
- Angel.
- Angel?
Angel who?
- It's Angel.
It's Angel.
(dinging)
- Who?
(whistle trills)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Okay, don't stop (gun clicks)
until your clips are empty.
(gun clicks)
- Got you, Papi.
- Alonza.
- Keep up.
- Okay now, on my count.
One, two, three.
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(feet shuffling)
Hey, freeze!
- Freeze!
- Don't shoot.
I got glaucoma.
(gun clicks)
- Glaucoma.
- I got glaucoma.
- [Dabias] Can you see that?
- Yeah, (stammers) I can see that.
- It was a student who tipped us off.
That's how we found out
who this perpetrator was
runnin' a million dollar a year business
right here in the campus.
(Dabias coughs)
- A million dollars, get it?
- Yeah.
- Custodian by day,
drug kingpin all night.
Yeah.
- Detective,
do you have any comments?
- We caught the bad mother, baby.
- [Brenda] Were there any others?
- I mean, who'd have
known it was the real dirt
was the folks that was
supposed to be cleanin' it up.
We're rounding everybody
up for interviews.
He's not speaking with us.
He's not giving us names,
but we know there's others out there,
that's for sure.
Yeah.
- We're gonna make that canary sing.
Get it?
- Yeah.
This case ain't closed yet.
(gunshots blasting)
(heavy breathing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(crowd gasps)
(indistinct chattering)
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(gunshots blasting in the distance)
(gunshots firing)
(objects clattering)
- Culo!
- Okay.
- You don't fuck with
Sádico's sister, maricón.
- Yo, come on, man.
Please, yo!
(gun clicks)
Please, I-
(female screams)
- Okay, say hello to my little friend!
(gun clicks)
- Freeze!
(siren wails in the distance)
- We got us some more bad mothers, baby.
(siren continues wailing)
- [Dabias] All right, boys,
put your guns down slowly.
Come on!
Put your gun down!
(indistinct police radio chatter)
(Angel groans)
(footsteps clomping)
(police radio chirps)
(footsteps continue clomping)
(indistinct chattering)
- I'm coming to you live
from inside PSU University,
where just moments ago
police arrested several armed gang members
involved in a violent campus shootout.
The gang members are also being questioned
in their possible role in running
a million dollar a year drug operation
through the school's custodial office.
Details are still a bit sketchy.
But so far,
indicative of a changing
educational environment,
where drugs, gangs, and violence
continue to work their
way into our schools.
I'm Brenda Foresight coming to
you live from PSU University.
Jake!
Jake!
Let's get the story.
(footsteps clomping)
(indistinct police radio chatter)
(Brenda speaks indistinctly)
(police radio chirps)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
- Hey, what up, baby?
- [Ed] What's up, pimp?
- Hey, yo, man,
that was some crazy stuff
that jumped off the other day.
- Yeah, that was crazy, right?
What happened to y'all, though?
Y'all bounced.
- Nah, man, it wasn't even like that.
We had class.
- (sucks teeth) Yeah, right.
(upbeat hip-hop music continues)
Yo, sorry about the dorm change, though.
- Yo, don't even sweat it, man.
Found out the coach made you do it.
- Nah, man, I'm quittin'.
Yo, Coach, you know,
gave me a car for a clinic
off campus for rehab.
I think I'm a go.
He says, I still have enough time
to make the Collegiate Final.
- A'ight!
Yo, you know I'm a be
there rootin' for you, man.
- Word.
Thanks, man.
Yo, you can come if you want to.
- No, I think I'm gonna just
chill here for a minute.
Besides, I've been thinking
about re-registering for class,
you know, before the deadline.
- Seriously?
- For real.
- Yeah, man.
That's hot.
(Bud scoffs)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Well, things worked out after all.
Decided to clean up my act,
and things started falling into place,
classes, track,
and you know, (chuckles) I
got the girl of my dreams.
The moral of the story
is sometimes a simple life change
can make a big difference in
how things turn out for you.
It certainly did in mine.
Oh, wait a minute.
One more thing.
Angel, well, his decisions
caught up with him too.
- This is gonna be your home
for the next seven years, my friend.
(cell doors clanking)
(intense dramatic music)
(indistinct chattering)
(alarm sounding)
(door clangs)
(cell door clatters)
He was beggin' us to share your cell.
(door slams shut)
(Angel breathes heavily)
(guard laughs)
- It's been a long time, huh, Eddie?
- No!
(Angel yells indistinctly)
(bite crunching)
Please!
(alarm blares)
(upbeat hip-hop music)
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪