Highball (1997) - full transcript
A newly married couple tries to enhance their social life by throwing fabulous parties and inviting all their friends in Brooklyn to their home.
Woman:
JE T'AIME, TRAVIS.
Travis: I LOVE YOU,
TOO, BABY.
DO YOU KNOW
HOW SPECIAL
YOU ARE TO ME?
I'M YOUR LITTLE MAN.
NO, NO, YOU'RE
NOT MY LITTLE MAN.
YOU'RE MY HUSBAND.
RIGHT.
AND I WANT TO KISS
EVERY INCH OF YOU.
THIS ONE
AND THIS ONE.
OH, SEEMS LIKE IT'S
TIME FOR MY ASCENT.
MMM.
I'M GONNA
NEED YOUR HELP
TOMORROW, TRAVIS.
NO PROBLEM, BABY.
I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO PICK UP
SOME INGREDIENTS
FROM THE STORE.
I'M MAKING
PUSAN MELANGE
I MAKE FOR
BIRTHDAY DINNERS--
I'LL SPIN OVER AFTER
I GET FELIX'S PRESENT.
OH, DAMN IT,
TRAVIS. NOW,
WE DISCUSSED THIS.
TOMORROW'S PARTY'S
HIS PRESENT.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
I'M JUST GETTING HIM
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA
GET MORE TUBING FOR
THE BREWERY ANYWAYS.
OH, KEEP THE STILL
HIDDEN, WILL YOU?
I MEAN,
YOU CAN SHOW IT
TO YOUR FRIENDS,
BUT THIS WILL
BE THE FIRST TIME
PEOPLE SEE
THE NEW HOUSE.
I'M TRYING VERY HARD
TO CREATE SOMETHING
NICE HERE.
BABY, IT'S GONNA
BE REAL CLASSY.
CLASSY.
FINE, TRAVIS.
IT WOULD
BE INTERESTING
IF WE COULD CREATE
A SALON, A COMMUNITY
FOR OUR FRIENDS
TO EXCHANGE IDEAS ON
ART AND PHILOSOPHY.
I WISH WE HAD
MORE FRENCH CHUMS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
HELLO!
HA HA HA!
MILES, HOW'D
YOU GET UP HERE?
THE DOORMAN
WAVED US UP.
HEY, OLD MAN,
MY MARRIED MAN.
DIANE!
THIS IS SANDY.
CARLOS JUST LET
MILES UP WITHOUT
ANNOUNCING HIM.
SANDY'S THE GIRL
I'VE BEEN
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
HE JUST
LET MILES
AND HIS DATE UP
WITHOUT
ANNOUNCING THEM.
SANDY, IT IS SO NICE
TO MEET YOU.
SANDY'S JUST STARTING
THE ARTISTS PROGRAM--
HEY, LOOK
WHAT I FOUND
DOWN IN THE LOBBY!
PHILIP!
IS IT BROOKS
OR IS IT BROTHERS?
THIS ISN'T AS FORMAL
AS I THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE.
OH, THE MORON
DIDN'T BUZZ HIM UP
EITHER, TRAVIS.
NO, BABY, HE WAS
WITH ME. IT'S OK.
HEY, MY BUDDY,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY
A LITTLE HOME BREW?
I GOT A LITTLE STILL
IN THE LINEN CLOSET.
HOME BREW?
MILES, YOU PUT ON
SOME WEIGHT.
RIGHT THIS WAY,
SENATOR.
YOU THINK
I'M A LITTLE HEAVY?
I JUST WANT TO GET
MY FACE CHANGED.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
INJECTIONS
OF SOME SORT.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
BIG D! TENACIOUS D!
OH, GOING UP,
GOING UP AND DOWN.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU,
MY MAN?
THIS IS ALLY, ALLY.
HI.
HAVE WE MET?
NO, NO,
YOU HAVEN'T, DIANE.
THIS IS ALLY--
WAS IT SHEEDY?
YES, YES.
THIS IS
ALLY SHEEDY, DIANE.
NICE
TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WELCOME.
THIS WHOLE--
ORIGINALLY,
THIS WHOLE THING
WAS TIN.
Diane: DINNER WILL
BE JUST A FEW SECONDS.
IT'S A NEW STOVE,
AND I DON'T--OOH.
OH, NO, EVERYONE'S
IN THE WRONG SEATS.
EVERYBODY UP. UP!
PHILIP...MILES...
SANDY...
ALLY, ME, AND DARIEN,
FLETCHER
WHEN HE GETS HERE,
FELIX IF HE
EVER GETS HERE,
AND TRAVIS. TSK!
Travis: ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY,
I HOPE YOU LIKE
YOUR BEER TASTING GOOD.
THIS HAPPENS TO BE
THE FIRST PITCHER
OF TRAVIS WHEAT.
TA-DA!
Ally: SO YOU BREWED
THIS YOURSELF?
OH, WELL,
ALLY...SHEEDY...
I BREWED IT MYSELF.
IS THAT
A CONTACT LENS?
MILES, MAN,
YOU'RE IN MY SEAT.
Ally: YOU ALL RIGHT?
UH-OH.
SHE'S SMOKING.
DIANE IS GONNA
LOSE HER MIND.
YOO-HOO!
ONE FOR YOU...
ONE FOR YOU,
AND FOR YOU.
DO YOU KNOW
SUSAN SARANDON?
UH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW
ROBERT DE NIRO?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW
JACK NICHOLSON?
YEAH, YEAH. I'VE
MET HIM A FEW TIMES.
HE'S NICE.
HOW ABOUT IGGY POP?
NO.
HOW ABOUT THE CARS?
WHAT?
THE CARS.
OH, ALLY, MILES WORKS
AT A RECORD STORE.
COMPANY.
COMPANY, DIANE.
MY BUDDY
FLETCHER AND I
ARE ASSISTANT
RECORDING ENGINEERS
FOR LIGHTNING SOUND.
IT'S AMAZING
HOW LITTLE RETENTION
PEOPLE HAVE
NOWADAYS.
I MUST'VE TOLD DIANE
A THOUSAND TIMES
WHAT I DO.
SHE STILL THINKS
I WORK
AT A RECORD STORE.
THAT'S AMAZING.
WHAT AM I, 16?
A LOT OF PEOPLE
YOUR AGE WORK
AT A RECORD STORE.
YEAH,
BUT COME ON, LOOK
HOW I'M DRESSED.
WHAT?
WHAT?
YOU LIKE MUSIC?
YEAH.
IT'S THE MUSIC
OF THE GODS.
MUSIC IS THE MUSIC
OF THE GODS.
I'VE NEVER HEARD IT
PUT QUITE THAT WAY BEFORE.
WELL, MY FATHER
WAS A POET.
COME ON IN.
TAKE A LOAD OFF.
I'M GONNA GET
SOME PISTACHIOS
FOR THE TABLE.
HERE YOU GO. HOPE
YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S FELIX'S.
YOU REMEMBER FELIX.
OH, RIGHT,
YOUR FRIEND FELIX.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL GIVE IT
TO HIM. WHERE IS HE?
HE HASN'T
MADE IT YET.
HEY, LET ME GET YOU
SOME MORE TRAVIS WHEAT,
FLETCHER.
YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE THIS.
WELL, IF I AM HERE,
IT MEANS THE WEEK IS OVER.
THANK GOD--WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS INVITED, TOO.
I'M FRIENDS
WITH TRAVIS.
NO, I DON'T MEAN THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU CAN'T BE HERE.
WE BOTH CAN'T BE HERE.
WHO'S MINDING
THE STORE?
COMPANY.
COMPANY, FLETCHER.
OK, IF YOU'RE HERE,
THEN WHO'S IN THE STUDIO
FOR THE MIXING SESSION
THAT STARTED AN HOUR
AND A HALF AGO?
OOPS.
I'M SURE HECTOR
AND ROMAN ARE THERE.
YEAH, AND THE WOMAN
THAT REFILLS THE NAPKINS
IN THE JOHN.
DIDN'T WE SAY THAT
YOU WOULD COVER FOR ME
SO I COULD
HAVE A NIGHT OFF?
YEAH.
RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYBODY.
OH, NO,
FLETCHER.
HEY, DON'T WORRY,
FLETCHER.
WHEN THE PROMOTION
GOES THROUGH,
WE'LL BE MAKING
OUR OWN HOURS, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I'M TOO TIRED
TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT.
I'M SWAMPED. I HOPE
YOU OR TONY GETS IT.
YEAH,
TONY'D BE GREAT.
TYPE "A."
ANYWAY,
I REMEMBER ONCE...
CAREFUL
ON YOUR WAY OUT.
HELLO?
HI.
CHRIST, THIS
IS RIDICULOUS.
DID THE DOORMAN
JUST LET YOU UP?
WHAT DOORMAN?
BEAUTIFUL. COULD YOU
HOLD ON ONE MOMENT, PLEASE?
CARLOS, CARLOS!
ESCUCHE MÍ, CARLOS.
IS TRAVIS HERE?
HEY, THERE HE IS!
OUR OWN DAVID HENNING.
UH, COULD YOU TAKE--
I DIDN'T EVEN
HEAR YOU APPEAR.
TRAVIS?
I GOT
SOME MORE STUFF
IN THE CAB.
SURE, NO PROBLEM,
YOUR OTHERWORLDLINESS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST DROP YOUR STUFF
AND I'LL TELL CARLOS
TO LET YOU BACK UP.
NO NEED.
IS HE
THE STRIPPER?
APPARENTLY.
GOOD-LOOKING.
I'M SORRY. WE
HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY
INTRODUCED. I'M ALLY.
I'M SANDY DILOFF.
YOU HAVE
BEAUTIFUL LONG HAIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE REALLY
PRETTY HAIR, TOO.
JUST BECAUSE
ALLY SHEEDY SAYS
SHE LIKES YOUR HAIR,
YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY
THE IDENTICAL THING.
I DON'T--
DON'T BE
SO NERVOUS, SANDY.
ANYWAY, ALLY--AHEM.
WHO WAS THAT?
HMM?
WHO WAS THAT?
OH, A MAGICIAN.
A MAGICIAN?
YEAH, THAT'S DON,
THE, UH--
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S
GOT A STAGE NAME
OR ANYTHING,
BUT WE'LL FIND OUT.
HE'S THE REAL DEAL.
TRAVIS, WHAT
IS HE DOING HERE?
HE'S
THE ENTERTAINMENT.
I DON'T WANT
TO GET INTO A WHOLE
EAST COAST,
WEST COAST THING.
ENTERTAIN--WE ARE
HAVING A DINNER PARTY.
BIRTHDAY PARTY,
DIANE.
FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S HOW OLD, TRAVIS?
MY MAN IS 33 TODAY.
YEAH, YOU GOT A CLOWN
COMING, TOO? HOO-HOO!
GET RID OF THE GUY.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S NOT WEST COAST,
EAST COAST.
IT'S WEST SIDE,
EAST SIDE.
Diane: WHY NOT?
Travis: HE'S
A FRIEND, A BUDDY.
WHAT?
I KNOW HIM.
HE'S A
DOWN-ON-HIS-LUCK GUY.
HE'S HAD A LOT OF
HARD BREAKS, OK?
HE USED TO BE
IN THE SOFTWARE
BUSINESS,
AND IT DIDN'T
REALLY PAN OUT.
HE'S KIND OF
A FREE SPIRIT.
HE'S NOT REALLY
EMPLOYABLE.
WHY ISN'T HE
EMPLOYABLE?
UH, WELL, HE, UH,
GOT DIVORCED,
AND HE LOST
THE CUSTODY BATTLE,
AND HE TURNED
TO THE BOTTLE.
OH, TRAVIS.
BUT HE'S IN AA NOW,
AND HE'S FOUND
MAGIC,
AND HE'S
DOING GREAT.
TRAVIS, IS IT
YOUR BIRTHDAY?
NO, NO, IT'S
NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S MY BUDDY
FELIX'S.
THE PRICK.
HEY, I GOT SONG SHEETS
FOR EVERYBODY.
HERE WE GO.
PASS THIS DOWN THERE.
WHERE IS FELIX?
UH, HE'LL BE HERE.
HE CALLED.
WHEN DID HE CALL?
EARLIER.
WHEN EARLIER?
BEFORE YOU
GOT HERE, PHIL.
BEFORE, UH,
ANY OF YOU GOT HERE.
YOU WEREN'T WITH ME
THE WHOLE DAY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
THERE'S MY BUDDY!
OH, GOD,
WHAT A PRICK.
Felix: MAN, I'VE BEEN
OUT THERE FOR 40 MINUTES.
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD
IN THE BEST WAY ♪
TRAVIS, CARLOS
JUST LET ANOTHER
PERSON UP.
FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT!
DID HE TAKE YOUR NAME
OR ANYTHING?
WHO?
OH, I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
Ally:
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY ♪
YOU HAVE
A PRETTY VOICE.
THANKS.
I'M SORRY.
COME ON, FELIX,
SIT DOWN.
I GOTTA
MAKE A CALL.
HE DOESN'T
SEEM VERY HAPPY
THAT IT'S
HIS BIRTHDAY.
Darien: TRAVIS AND FELIX
HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
TRAVIS CONSIDERS FELIX
HIS BEST FRIEND,
BUT THE POPULAR CONSENSUS
IS THAT FELIX IS DIFFICULT.
FRANKLY, IF HE
HAD A PERSONALITY,
WHICH I DON'T THINK
HE DOES, ALLY,
BUT IF HE DID,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL
WOULD JUST BE SOME
KIND OF AN ASSHOLE.
YOU KNOW
THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE.
OH, UH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, LIKE
A KEVIN COSTNER.
OH. WHY WOULD
YOU SAY THAT?
I MEAN, I HEARD
HE WAS NICE.
OH, YOU KNOW
KEVIN COSTNER?
NO, I JUST--
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
I JUST HEARD
THAT HE WAS NICE.
FROM WHO?
WOODY HARRELSON?
IT MUST BE, UH...
SOMEWHAT OF A TREAT
TO PUT ON SOME WARM
CLOTHING NOW.
YOU KNOW, WEATHER
CHANGE AND ALL.
Ally:
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
OH, THERE HE IS,
MY BUDDY.
YEP, YOU'RE OVER
HERE AT THE HEAD
OF THE TABLE.
YOU'RE THE GUEST
OF HONOR.
COME ON, PHIL,
LET'S GO. [WHISTLES]
LET'S GO,
COME ON, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.
SO, MY BIRTHDAY BOY,
HOW DID MY BIRTHDAY BOY
SPEND HIS BIRTHDAY?
NOTHING.
NOTHING?
THAT DOESN'T SOUND
TOO FESTIVE.
HEY, DIANE
CAN'T GET THE STOVE
TO WORK PROPERLY.
YOU WANT SOME CEREAL
OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT?
I DON'T WANT
ANY CEREAL.
HEY.
HEY.
LOOKING GOOD
OVER THERE.
EXCITING STUFF.
YEAH, WELL,
I'M PRETTY MUCH, UH...
SET UP.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT A CIGARETTE?
OH, YEAH, SURE.
YOU CAN TAKE
A COUPLE.
NO, JUST ONE.
IF I TAKE 2,
I'LL SMOKE 2.
I'M NOT REALLY ONE
FOR SELF CONTROL,
I GUESS.
I UNDERSTAND.
WHOA.
HEY!
I DON'T KNOW YOU,
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I'VE SEEN YOU
IN MOVIES.
DARIEN.
TRAVIS' GIRLFRIEND.
WIFE.
RIGHT.
HELLO, PHILIP.
HELLO, FELIX.
I'M SANDY DILOFF.
DILHOFF?
DILOFF.
DILOFF.
VERY PRETTY NAME.
THANK YOU.
HEY, LOOK, YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO EAT?
WE GOT PLENTY.
NO, NO. I'M GONNA
GO GET A BURGER,
GET MY HEAD TOGETHER
BEFORE THE SHOW.
GOOD IDEA, GREAT.
OK, HEY, LISTEN.
I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS.
I KNOW THIS IS
GONNA BE GREAT.
THANKS, THANKS.
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN SHE WAS
IN THAT MOVIE
SHORT CIRCUIT?
HEY, DON, DON, DON.
I FORGOT TO ASK YOU.
YOU GOT A NAME?
DON.
NO, NO, I MEAN
LIKE A MAGIC NAME,
LIKE DON THE MYSTERIOUS
OR SOMETHING.
DON...
DON.
YEAH, OK.
HEY, FELIX,
BEFORE I FORGET,
THIS ONE
IS FROM FLETCHER.
WHO?
UH, FLETCHER.
HE WORKS WITH MILES,
DARK HAIR, NICE GUY.
OH, DARK HAIR,
NICE GUY. FLETCHER?
RIGHT.
OH, YEAH, I GUESS.
UH-OH. [IMITATING
BASEBALL CHARGE]
Diane:
HERE, WANT ME
TO TAKE THAT?
Travis: GET RID
OF THAT, PLEASE.
WHOA.
Guys: OHH!
NICE.
MY MAN'S
GOT A NEW LID.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
I'M SURE I'LL FIND
A PLACE IN MY CLOSET
FOR THIS.
IN THE MEANTIME,
WHY DON'T YOU FIND
A PLACE IN YOUR CLOSET
FOR IT,
AND I WEAR IT
WHENEVER I COME OVER.
HEY, GOOD IDEA.
IT'S ON HOLD.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M FELIX.
OH, COME ON.
YOU MET HIM LIKE
A THOUSAND TIMES.
WHY DO YOU
GOTTA BE A DICK?
HAVE I MET YOU
A THOUSAND TIMES?
I DON'T KNOW.
NO.
NO,
NOT A THOUSAND.
SEE? A THOUSAND TIMES.
LET'S PLAY
A GAME. MILES?
MILES.
MILES!
Miles: WHAT?
OH, SHIT.
STAY THERE!
WHAT?!
WE GOTTA
KEEP IT DOWN.
THE BEDROOM DOOR
IS NOT SOUNDPROOF.
OK, LET'S PICK
SOMEBODY.
HOW ABOUT--
MY MAN FELIX.
IT'S GOTTA BE HIM.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.
OK, I'LL GO GET MILES.
IT'S GONNA
BE YOU, BUDDY.
WE CHOSE A GUY,
AND HE ASKED
A QUESTION LIKE,
FOR INSTANCE,
"WHAT KIND OF CAR
WOULD THIS PERSON BE?"
YOU WOULD SAY,
LIKE, A MUSTANG.
OR AN EDSEL.
Ally: OH, YEAH,
I'VE DONE THIS GAME.
ACTING CLASS.
OK, TRAVIS...
IF THIS PERSON WERE--
Diane: TRAVIS?
OH, JESUS. WHAT?
COULD YOU COME HERE
A SECOND, PLEASE?
WE'RE PLAYING
THE GAME.
TRAVIS.
JESUS. OK, I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
OK. MS. SHEEDY.
IF THIS PERSON WERE...
A CAR, WHAT KIND
OF CAR WOULD THEY BE?
A MUSTANG.
INTERESTING.
A MUSTANG.
I KNOW
YOU LIKE FELIX.
YEAH,
FELIX IS THE MAN.
YEAH, BUT DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK THAT FELIX
NOT ONLY IS NOT THE MAN,
BUT FELIX...DOESN'T
HAVE A PERSONALITY,
AND BENEATH THE BANAL
EXTERIOR THAT HE HAS
IS JUST AN ASSHOLE.
DIANE!
THE ONLY REASON--
DON'T YOU PLAY
STUPID, TRAVIS.
THE ONLY REASON
THAT THIS TURNED
INTO A "SORT OF" BIRTHDAY
PARTY FOR FELIX
IS THAT I WANTED
TO HAVE A DINNER PARTY.
YOU WANTED
TO INVITE FELIX,
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENED
THAT THE EVENT FELL
SOMEWHERE AROUND
HIS BIRTHDAY.
THIS IS NOT AN EFFORT
THAT COMES DIRECTLY
FROM MY HEART.
IF THIS PERSON
WERE A BODILY FUNCTION,
WHAT KIND OF A BODILY
FUNCTION WOULD THEY BE?
SHIT.
IT'S SANDY.
NO, IT'S NOT SANDY.
OH, OK. I JUST THOUGHT
BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS THING.
AHEM.
MS. SHEEDY...
YOU--YOU HAVE
GOT TO CALM DOWN.
NO, NO, NO,
I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.
I'VE GOT A ROOM
FULL OF HUNGRY PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
THEY'RE SNACKING
ON PISTACHIOS.
THAT'S NOT THE WAY
I WAS RAISED.
AND I CAN SEE
BY YOUR EYES
THAT WE CAN
ELIMINATE PHILIP.
WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU TRY AND CATER
SOME OF THIS?
I WANT THEM TO GO.
PLEASE, I WANT THEM
TO GO.
OH, COME ON.
IF YOU LOVE ME,
YOU'LL KILL THEM.
I WANT 'EM TO DIE!
"EVERYBODY FELIX."
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
I'VE GOT PEOPLE
OUT THERE OF MY CLASS.
YOUR CLASS. DIANE--
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT?
PUT THAT OUT.
PUT THAT--
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE,
WOULD YOU PUT THAT OUT!
EVERYBODY
IS SMOKING.
WELL, YOU KNOW
THERE IS NO SMOKING
IN THIS HOUSE, TRAVIS,
PLUS YOU QUIT.
I DIDN'T QUIT. I--
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THEY SHOULD
ALL JUST PUT OUT
THEIR FUCKING
CIGARETTES.
YEAH, RIGHT. ARE YOU
GONNA GO OUT THERE
AND TELL ALLY SHEEDY
TO PUT OUT
HER CIGARETTE?
OH, YES, I WILL.
YEAH, RIGHT.
OK, YOU
JUST WATCH ME.
Miles:
OK, MS. SHEEDY,
IF THIS PERSON
WERE A FAMOUS,
NOT AS FAMOUS AS YOU,
BUT A FAMOUS PERSON--
EXCUSE ME. ALLY
SHEEDY, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PUT THAT OUT?
OH, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.
HE'LL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.
I LIKE THE COFFEE
IN GERMANY.
YEAH. IN THE GERMANY,
THEY KNOW HOW
TO GRIND BEANS.
ITALY HAS
GOOD COFFEE, TOO,
BUT IF YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW
TO GRIND THE BEANS,
YOU KNOW...
YEAH.
WELL, THEN
IT'S ACIDIC.
THE FOAM
RISES TO THE TOP
OF YOUR STOMACH,
BECOMES GASEOUS.
Felix: OH, DID I MISS
THE COFFEE BEAN STORY?
OH, GODDAMN IT! GOD, DIANE,
YOU TELL THAT SO WELL.
I LOVE THAT LITTLE
TRIP TO EUROPE.
OH, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL
IN THE GRINDING, FELLAS,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU CAN'T GRIND
THE BEANS RIGHT...
YOU KNOW, DIANE,
EVERY TIME
YOU TELL THAT STORY,
IT JUST SOUNDS MORE
AND MORE SPONTANEOUS.
REALLY, IT'S
STARTING TO SOUND LIKE
REAL CONVERSATION TO ME.
YOU PROMISE YOU'RE
GONNA TELL IT
AGAIN, DIANE?
WILL YOU PROMISE?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?
HAS EVERYONE
SEEN THE PICTURE
OF PHILIP'S KID?
NO. PHIL,
YOU GOT A KID?
Phil: NO,
I DON'T HAVE A KID.
OH, YES, YES,
YOU DO.
FOR ONLY NICKELS
A MONTH, TOO.
IT'S, UH, IT'S
JOBEEN, ISN'T IT?
IF YOU ALL MUST
KNOW, I SUPPORT
A VENEZUELAN CHILD
THROUGH
THE INTERNATIONAL
CHILDREN'S
ORGANIZATION.
HIS NAME
ISN'T JOBEEN,
IT'S JOAQUIN.
Travis:
THAT'S NICE, PHIL.
YEAH, THAT'S
MARVELOUS.
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
THIS IS YOUR
SECOND KID NOW,
ISN'T IT, PHIL?
NO, NO,
IT'S NOT.
OH, YES, YES,
IT IS,
BECAUSE
SOMETHING HAPPENED
TO THE OTHER KID.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ALLY SHEEDY
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE OTHER KID?
MAYBE SHE WON'T
FIND THAT SO MARVELOUS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SHUT UP, FELIX?
HEY, IF THERE WAS
A SECOND KID, PHILIP,
I THINK
YOU OUGHT TO TELL US.
YEAH.
WELL, APPARENTLY,
THE ORGANIZATION,
I.C.O., WILL
INTERVENE, AHEM,
IF YOU MISS
A FEW PAYMENTS.
UM, IT HAD BEEN
A TOUGH YEAR.
YOU ALL KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED WITH
MARGARET AND ME,
AND I FORGOT
A FEW THINGS--
AND THE BOY DIED.
WHAT?
NO, THE BOY
DID NOT DIE.
THEY JUST TOOK
CUSTODY OF THE BOY.
I'M SURE
THEY GAVE HIM
TO SOMEBODY ELSE,
SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T FORGET.
WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU?
YOU FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT
TO THAT INFORMATION.
I'M SURPRISED THEY
GAVE YOU ANOTHER ONE.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SHUT UP, FELIX?
OH, LOOK, PHILIP.
I'M HELPING YOU OUT.
YOU ONLY GOT 2 STORIES--
A DIVORCED WIFE
AND THE DEAD KID.
NOW YOU GET
TO TELL THEM BOTH.
PHILIP,
HOW IS MARGARET?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN
HER IN A WHILE.
MAYBE THAT'S 'CAUSE
WE GOT DIVORCED,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
WE WERE DIVORCED.
IT'S BETTER
THIS WAY.
I THINK I--I THINK
I HEAR THE FOOD.
HEAR THE FOOD?
I'M GONNA GIVE
MARGARET A CALL.
PHIL, HERE.
THIS IS FOR THE BOY,
JUST SOMETHING
I HAD LAYING AROUND.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
OH, THAT'S
GREAT, PHILIP.
SOME BIRTHDAY
THIS TURNED OUT TO BE.
ALMOST GETTING
PUNCHED OUT.
HEY, FUCK YOU, TRAVIS.
PHILIP, MAN,
CALM DOWN!
YEAH, PHILIP,
GROW UP.
SHUT UP,
RECORD BOY!
HEY, HEY, HEY,
THAT'S IT,
THAT'S IT,
THAT'S IT! OK,
NEUTRAL CORNERS.
PHIL, WHY
DON'T YOU GO OUT
INTO THE HALL
AND COOL DOWN,
OK, HUH?
I DON'T
HAVE THAT HERE.
PHILIP!
PHILIP!
GLAD YOU CAME?
OH, YOU KNOW,
IT'S, UH, JUST, UH,
MORE GRIST
FOR THE MILL. HA!
WHEW. HEH!
DRAMA.
HEY, HEY, DON.
I WAS GETTING
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
NO WORRIES.
YEAH, SO, UH,
SO YOU GET THAT BURGER?
SO, UH, SO YOU
READY TO DAZZLE
THE LIGHT FANTASTIC?
GET EVERYONE
TOGETHER.
Don:
DON'T TOUCH THAT!
THAT SUCKS.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER
NOT PAID A BILL?
I HARDLY THINK
IT'S THE SAME THING.
BELIEVE ME,
IT'S THE SAME.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I EVER MET THE KID.
YOU KNOW, ALL I GOT
IS SOME BLURRY
BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOS.
I'M CONVINCED
THEY'RE STOCK PHOTOS.
PROBABLY
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
IN THE UNITED STATES
LOOKING AT
THE SAME PICTURE
OF LITTLE JOAQUIN.
YOU DON'T REALLY
MEAN ALL THAT.
WELL, I MIGHT,
BUT FOR THE SAKE
OF THIS CONVERSATION,
I'M GONNA SAY
THAT I DON'T.
FUCK ME.
WHAT?
ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S GET READY
FOR SOME MAGIC
WITH DON.
[MUSIC BEGINS]
♪ WHEN YOUR CUNDELINI'S
RISING ♪
♪ AND YOUR SPIRITS
ARE A-FALLING ♪
♪ THERE IS SOMEONE
ON THE PHONE FOR YOU ♪
♪ IT'S THE MAGIC MAN,
HE'S CALLING ♪
♪ HELLO! ♪
♪ CAN YOU FEEL THE MAGIC
IN THE AIR? ♪
♪ OH, YES ♪
♪ WHO IS THE ONE
WITH THE MAGIC? ♪
♪ IT'S ME ♪
♪ SHOW ME THE MAGIC,
HOW YOU FEELING? ♪
♪ I'M FINE ♪
♪ SHOW ME THE MAGIC
ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
WOW!
♪ HELLO,
IS THIS YOUR CARD? ♪
♪ CAN YOU FEEL
THE MAGIC? ♪
[DON SCREAMING]
NO, LIKE THIS.
CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP?
PUSH, DON'T PULL.
THAT'S
A TERRIFIC ACT.
Travis: DIANE,
GET THE CAKE READY.
WE GOTTA SING
TO MY MAN.
THERE'S MY BABY
WITH THE CAKE!
1, 2, 3!
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD
IN THE BEST WAY ♪
COME ON.
EVERYBODY--WHAT?
FELIX LEFT.
Philip: GOOD.
LET'S EAT THE CAKE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OHH! LET'S SEE
WHAT WE GOT HERE.
UM...LET ME GUESS.
SPIDERMAN, RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT, HMM?
DO...YOU...SPEAK?
DOES...HE...SPEAK?
YES, MA'AM.
WELL, THEN WHAT DO YOU SAY,
WEB-SLINGING MAN?
I FORGOT.
WHO DOES SPIDER-MAN
FIGHT, HUH?
TRICK OR TREAT.
OK, ALL RIGHT,
HERE YOU GO.
COME ON, CATCH.
GOOD EVENING.
TOODLE-OO.
Diane: THANK YOU
SO MUCH, MOLLY,
FOR HELPING ME
GET THIS THING
TOGETHER.
WHERE'S BUSBY?
SHH! HE'S IN
THE BEDROOM NAPPING.
IT HAS BEEN SO NICE
TO HAVE MY LITTLE NEPHEW
AROUND THIS WEEK.
I MEAN, HE'S ONLY 7,
BUT HE'S MY LITTLE MAN.
HMM, YEAH.
I HATE KIDS.
EVER SINCE
TRAVIS AND I SPLIT,
I'VE BEEN A LITTLE BIT
SCATTERED, YOU KNOW?
GOOD, BUT SCATTERED.
WELL, YOU'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER SINCE
YOU WERE TEENS.
SO SATURDAY HE STARTED
STAYING AT FELIX'S HOUSE.
OH, IT'S
JUST BEEN A WEEK?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
IT'S OVER.
I'LL GET IT!
[ROARING]
Miles: OOH, SORRY.
DON'T KNOW YOU.
HA HA HA.
HEY, IT'S ME. MILES.
WHOO, SURPRISE!
HI, MILES.
MILES,
THIS IS MOLLY.
MOLLY, MILES.
NICE SUIT.
LOOKS EXPENSIVE.
[ROARS]
OOH, CANDY CORN!
FIRST ONE
TO ARRIVE?
OW! SHIT!
MILES, WHOA!
MILES, WATCH IT.
DAMN, THIS
IS ANNOYING.
AH...UHH!
DID YOU BRING
A DATE, MILES?
WHEW. [CHUCKLES]
NOPE,
BUT I'M LOOKING
TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.
HI.
HI.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
LOUISE HARVEY.
[IMITATES JIMMY STEWART]
HARVEY?
IT'S NOT REALLY
HARVEY, IS IT?
THAT--THAT'S
THE SAME NAME
AS MY RABBIT.
YOU KNOW--
DO--DO--DO YOU KNOW
MY RABBIT?
IT--IT'S KIND OF TALL,
BUT HIS NAME--
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
BUT--TALKING
ABOUT HARVEY.
HE'S--HE'S
QUITE A TALL RABBIT,
BUT NOT REALLY A RABBIT.
HE'S A POOKA.
I DON'T LIKE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OH, YOU DON'T?
WELL, UH--UH--UH--
IT'S A PICTURE,
YOU KNOW, ABOUT--
WHY ARE YOU
STILL DOING IT?
WELL, I--
I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M DOING IT.
HEY, PHILLY
CHEESE STEAK!
DIANE.
MMM!
YOU LOOK NICE.
I'M A WHORE.
[CHUCKLES]
ARE YOU HITLER?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I JUST PUT
ON A MUSTACHE.
[SIGHS]
HEIL!
Darien: HOWDY.
HOWDY.
MMM.
TRAVIS' EX
IS GONNA GET
FUCKED TONIGHT.
TAKING THAT COSTUME
SERIOUSLY, HUH?
WHO SHOULD IT BE?
HMM. PHILIP?
NAH.
TOO STIFF.
PROBABLY DOESN'T
LIKE SEX.
Miles: OH, MY GOD,
IT'S AMAZING.
Molly: MILES.
ARE YOU JOKING?
YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA GET FUCKED.
I DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE GONNA
BE CHOOSY.
WHAT ABOUT DARIEN?
Molly: YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK
ANYBODY PRETTIER THAN YOU.
BESIDES, I THINK HE'S
HAVING A REALLY GOOD TIME
WITH RAE DAWN CHONG.
[ROARS]
JEEZ, THAT WAS HARD.
HEY THERE,
FLETCHER.
OH, GOD.
[LAUGHS]
Diane: THAT'S
VERY BECOMING ON YOU.
I'M LEAVING.
NO. STAY.
YOU THINK?
YEAH. STAY.
WHAT ARE YOU?
WHAT?
I MEAN,
YOUR COSTUME.
OH. [LAUGHS]
I TOTALLY FORGOT
I HAD IT ON.
I'M THE NEW YORK
SUBWAY SYSTEM.
OH. BEFORE OR AFTER
THE LAST FARE INCREASE?
I DON'T THINK
THAT IT WOULD
MATTER.
WELL, YOU'RE AN EXPRESS,
THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
HEY, BOSS.
TRIED THESE PEANUTS?
NO. HEY, LISTEN,
DID YOU MAKE
THOSE CALLS?
NAH, I DIDN'T
HAVE TIME.
FUCK! OH, JEEZ!
[SIGHS]
THAT'S COOL.
THAT'S COOL.
HEY,
NICE COSTUME.
DIDN'T--
DIDN'T WE AGREE
THAT I WAS GONNA GO
AS THE LIZARD?
YEAH, WE DID,
BUT I COULDN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING TO BE.
SO AT THE LAST
MINUTE, I RAN OUT
AND BOUGHT
THIS BABY.
YEAH, YEAH,
BUT DIDN'T WE SAY
THAT I WAS GONNA GO
AS THE LIZARD?
YEAH, WE DID.
DRINK THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
JUST DRINK IT.
I DON'T WANT--
DRINK IT
OR DIANE SAID
SHE'S GONNA HIT YOU.
OHH! DIANE!
Diane: WHAT?
THIS KID VOMITED.
OH, BUSBY. OHH!
HE REEKS OF LIQUOR.
ALL RIGHT, GET LOST.
YOU STINK.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
[BUZZING]
HELLO? WHO IS IT?
Carlos:
IT'S TRAVIS BLINKOFF.
Travis: TRAVIS!
Carlos: WAIT!
Philip: WHAT ARE
YOU DRESSED AS?
SEND HIM UP, I GUESS.
WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE
IF I REALLY LIKE
WHAT YOU ARE.
OH, NO, IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK.
I--I--I JUST PUT ON
THIS MUSTACHE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IF YOU'RE STARTING
WITH THIS IN A.D.D.,
WHY WOULD YOU
WANT TO CHANGE IT
TO ANYTHING ELSE?
ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.
LET ME--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST WANT
TO SHOW YOU, OK?
NOW, IF THIS IS
THE DIRECT BOX,
RIGHT?
IT HAS A MALE
R.C.A. THERE.
Miles: YOU CAN'T USE
CANON TO CANON...
I'M STANDING THERE,
BEING ANNOUNCED,
AND THIS GHOST
WALKS RIGHT UP!
WELL, YOU DO NOT
LIVE HERE, TRAVIS,
AND THE GUESTS
MUST BE BUZZED UP.
[SCOFFS]
YEAH, RIGHT.
Travis:
WAS ANYBODY HERE
BUZZED UP?
I THINK I WAS.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
I'M A BUM, DIANE.
I'M SUPPOSED
TO LOOK TERRIBLE.
DIDN'T WANT
TO DRESS UP, HUH?
EAT SHIT, TRAVIS.
YOU KNOW,
I THINK I HAVE
2 LEFT-HANDED PAWS.
DO YOU HAVE
ONE OF MY PAWS?
YOU KNOW, MINE
HAVE FELT WEIRD
SINCE I WENT
TO THE BATHROOM.
IS IT POSSIBLE?
LET ME SEE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
I DON'T--I CAN'T
GET MY RIGHT HAND
INTO THE PAW.
GIVE ME
YOUR LEFT HAND.
OK.
I BOUGHT THIS.
NO LAWYER IN THE WORLD
WOULD LET YOU HAVE IT.
[ASHTRAY BREAKS]
DIANE!
Diane: WHAT?
UH, YOU GOT
A DUST BUSTER?
YOU KNOW
I DON'T HAVE
A DUST BUSTER.
HOW DO I KNOW
WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEK?
WELL, I DIDN'T
GO OUT AND BUY
A DUST BUSTER.
JESUS.
SORRY, BABE.
DIANE.
DO YOU KNOW THE CARS?
FOR MY BAR.
NO, I'VE NEVER MET
RIC OCASEK.
Diane: DON'T YOU WALK AROUND
THIS PLACE LIKE YOU OWN IT.
DO YOU MIND IF I GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
WELL, IF YOU
DON'T DRIBBLE
ON THE TOWEL.
I WON'T PUT UP
WITH THAT SHIT
ANY MORE.
LOVERS' SPAT.
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW
YOU LOOK LIKE HITLER?
YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE
I GOT THE PROMOTION
AND MILES DIDN'T,
IT'S THESE LITTLE
ACTING-OUT THINGS
THAT REALLY STICK
IN MY CRAW.
DO YOU MIND
IF I ASK YOU
A QUESTION
ABOUT ONE OF
OUR NATIONAL TREASURES,
MARLON BRANDO?
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU RECALL,
BUT ONE OF BRANDO'S
EARLIER MOVIES
PLACED MARLON ON A SHIP,
A SHIP OF WAR.
MARLON, THE CAPTAIN
OF THE SHIP,
USING ALL
OF HIS ACTING SKILLS--
AND I UNDERSTAND
THAT HE LIKED
TO PUT NOTES
AROUND THE SET
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
LIKE TO MEMORIZE LINES.
ANYWAY, IT WAS
A STORMY NIGHT,
MARLON TURNS
TO HIS FIRST MATE.
"FIRST MATE!
GET YE TO THE DECK
AND GRAB THE WHEEL!"
IT JUST GAVE ME
SHIVERS ALL OVER.
THE ONLY TIME
I FELT THAT WAY
WAS WHEN I SAW ANNIE.
DO YOU KNOW ANNIE?
IT'S STILL PLAYING,
I UNDERSTAND.
SILLY.
YOU LOOK VERY SILLY.
I WAS GONNA SAY
I LOOK LESS LIKE--
AN IDIOT.
"GET YE TO THE DECK
AND GRAB THE WHEEL!"
"AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN."
WHICH, UH,
IS A DRAMA TECHNIQUE
THAT TOLD ME
THAT HE WAS THE CAPTAIN.
SO RIGHT THERE
WE KNEW THE RELATIONSHIP.
FIRST MATE AND CAPTAIN.
I FOUND IT BRILLIANT.
YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT
THE KIDS ALONG.
THEY'D HAVE SO MUCH FUN
PLAYING WITH BUSBY.
"BUSBY, YOU'RE PULLING
ON JOBEEN. DINNER."
"OH, OH, HUNGRY!"
IT MAKES ME
FEEL SO OLD.
YOU DON'T LOOK OLD,
DARIEN. YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, HANDSOME.
THAT'S--IT'S
JUST THE COSTUME.
OOH! LOOK AT
WHAT WE GOT HERE.
[LAUGHS]
HEY! HEY! JEEZ!
CUT IT OUT, DIANE.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
DIANE!
IT'S SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
Travis:
HEY! HEY, BUDDY.
YOU, UH,
LOOKIN' FOR ME?
SURE. WHY NOT?
YEAH.
HEY, I APOLOGIZE.
I HAVEN'T BEEN
VERY SOCIAL TONIGHT,
BUT I'M KIND
OF HIDING OUT.
I THINK IT'S GOOD
YOU'RE HIDING OUT.
PEOPLE ARE
PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE
HAVING YOU HERE.
YEAH. WELL,
SCREW 'EM, RIGHT?
RIGHT? WE CAN STAY HERE.
IT'S LIKE THAT OTHER PARTY'S
NOT EVEN GOING ON OUT THERE.
OH, NO, NO.
IT'S GOING ON.
TRAVIS,
DON'T KID YOURSELF.
PEOPLE ARE
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU'RE IN A CLOSET.
WELL, IT'S
OUR TOUGH LUCK, HUH?
HEY, GO GRAB A CHAIR.
AND DO WHAT WITH IT?
SADDLE UP
TO THE BAR.
WHAT, ARE WE GONNA DRINK
IN SHIFTS IN HERE?
YEAH, RIGHT.
SO, UH,
RAE DAWN CHONG, HUH?
HMM?
YOU BROUGHT
RAE DAWN CHONG
TO THE PARTY.
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE
I'M IN THE SAME BUSINESS
WITH MARLON BRANDO--
I THINK THAT YOU
MAY HAVE BEEN SPEAKING
TO THE OTHER LIZARD.
THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE,
YOU BROUGHT
ALLY SHEEDY.
YEAH.
2 PARTIES,
2 CELEBRITIES.
WELL, ACTUALLY, RAE'S
AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND.
CLARK GABLE WAS
AN OLD FRIEND
OF MY FAMILY.
Travis:
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.
THE HE-MAN
WOMEN HATERS CLUB
CAN OFFICIALLY
COME TO ORDER.
[KNOCKS ON BAR]
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
UH...WHAT DO YOU GOT?
HOME BREW OR, UH...
[BOTTLES CLANKING]
Travis: MALIBU.
MALIBU?
JESUS.
UH...
THE HOME BREW,
I GUESS.
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN,
AND MALIBU FOR ME.
OK. UH...
GODDAMN IT.
DIANE TURNED
THIS THING BACK
INTO A LINEN CLOSET.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
HEY, CHECK OUT
THE WALL OF FAME HERE.
ALLY SHEEDY.
WHEN THE HELL
WAS SHE HERE?
OHH! MILES!
I'M CALLING YOU--
I'M CALLING YOU
ON IT.
JUST SAY
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING
TO SAY TO ME, PHIL.
YOU'RE
A STAR FUCKER.
OR
A STAR PERSON.
I GUESS I AM.
YOU'RE
A STAR FUCKER?
WELL, I GUESS SO.
I MEAN, I CERTAINLY KNOW
A LOT OF WELL-KNOWN PEOPLE.
YOU EVER FUCK
ANY OF THESE--
DID YOU NOTICE
THAT DIANE'S
ACTING A LITTLE
STRANGELY TONIGHT?
WELL, SHE AND TRAVIS
SPLIT UP.
WHAT?
SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU?
NO. OH, NO.
Darien: SHIT.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
OH! EXCUSE ME!
CLOSE THE DOOR, MILES.
IT'S MILES. IT'S MILES.
WHAT'S MILES?
OUTSIDE. SHH!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
DON'T--
PLEASE DON'T!
Miles:
IS THIS A ROOM?
TRAVIS! JESUS!
OPEN THE DOOR!
SHH!
TRAVIS!
GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING, BLOW?
OHH!
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
Travis:
IT'S A BREWERY,
ASSHOLE!
Travis: A-HOLE.
LOOKS LIKE
A LINEN CLOSET.
NOW DOES IT LOOK
LIKE A LINEN CLOSET?!
NO, TRAVIS.
NOW IT LOOKS
LIKE A BAR.
Travis: FUCKIN'-A!
Felix:
I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.
OW!
WHAT? OW!
MILES!
Miles: I'M GONNA GAG HERE.
MILES!
ARE YOU IN
OR ARE YOU OUT?
I'M IN.
FINE, THEN WE HAVE
TO LOSE A CHAIR.
Travis: ALL RIGHT,
COMING OUT.
WATCH IT, MILES.
Travis: YOU
COMING BACK, BUDDY?
YES! I'M JUST PUTTING
THIS IN THE HALLWAY.
IS THAT A ROOM?
[CLEARS THROAT]
HEY...HOME BREW.
IS THAT THE SAME BATCH
AS LAST TIME?
YEAH, YOU WANT ONE?
UH, NO, ACTUALLY.
WAIT. I'M
GONNA GET SOMETHING
FROM THE OTHER PARTY.
Travis: FINE.
SAY HELLO
TO THE OTHER
LOSERS FOR ME.
♪ LONESOME, DRUNKEN ♪
♪ DRUNKEN ON WHISKEY ♪
♪ WHISKEY AND SADDLE BAGS
MADE OF TEQUILA ♪
♪ ON THE PRAIRIE ♪
SINGING?
NO.
Miles: AH.
MILES!
HEY, MY HOME BREW.
WOULDN'T THAT BE NEAT
IF I STARTED
CALLING YOU "HOME BREW"?
NO.
YOU SHOULD GET
A VIDEO GAME IN HERE.
VIDEO GAMES?
THIS IS A BAR.
WE'RE HERE TO DRINK.
I KNOW, BUT ALL BARS
GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING.
PINBALL, FOOSBALL,
POOL TABLE.
OH, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HEY, CHECK OUT
THE WALL OF FAME.
[IMITATES JOHN WAYNE]
HEY, PILGRIM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHERE A GUY
COULD TAKE A LEAK?
GET UP!
GET UP,
YOU SCUM-SUCKING PIG.
I CAN'T READ.
AND THE BATHROOM
IS DOWN THE HALL
ON YOUR RIGHT.
WELL,
I'M AWFULLY GLAD
YA TOLD ME, PILGRIM.
[IMITATES MARLON BRANDO]
HE LOOKED AT ME
LIKE I WAS A BUG.
YOU'RE
MY LITTLE FRIEND.
WHAT?
I KNOW.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
[ROARS]
YOU WANTED GAMES?
I GOT THE CLASSIC
BAR GAME.
THE GAME OF KINGS.
GOLF?
NO, NOT GOLF.
UH, THINK--
THINK BAR SPORT.
UH, UH, THINK
CLASSIC BAR SPORT.
NOT GOLF?
NO. THINK GAME!
THINK--
THINK KINGS.
WELL, I ALREADY
SAID FOOSBALL,
AND YOU LOOKED AT ME
LIKE I WAS INSANE.
THINK PUB.
UH....
ALL RIGHT, UH...
[BRITISH ACCENT]
ANOTHER BLOODY PINT
AND A GAME OF...
OK!
YEAH, WHAT?
GOLF?
STEP BACK, MILES.
DARTS!
YEAH, 3 THROWS
FOR A DOLLAR.
ALL RIGHT, I'M IN.
MY WALLET.
I'D HAVE TO TAKE
THIS ENTIRE THING OFF.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
JUST GIVE ME
A DRIVER'S LICENSE
FOR A DEPOSIT
ON THE DARTS.
OK.
I'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF
THIS ENTIRE THING.
JUST TAKE
THE DARTS, MILES.
THANKS, HOME BREW.
MILES, CUT IT OUT.
Miles: NICE TOSS.
Travis: THANKS.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU AND DIANE?
MY LIFE'S OVER.
WELL, YOU CAME BACK.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
MM-HMM.
NEXT STOP, PHILIP.
PLEASE DON'T START
WITH THAT AGAIN.
SORRY.
I FEEL LIKE
I'M 18 AGAIN.
WEREN'T YOU
AND TRAVIS DATING
WHEN YOU WERE 18?
I THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN, MILES.
I DO,
HOME BREW.
WHAT DID YOU
JUST CALL ME?
HOME BREW.
WELL, DON'T CALL ME
THAT AGAIN, MILES.
OHH!
WAAA!
OH--
OW! OW! OW!
LIZARD. LIZARD. LIZARD.
YOU ICKY-ICKY LIZARD.
ROARING LIZARD!
[ROARS]
OHH!
WHAT BIG EYES
YOU HAVE!
WHAT BIG TEETH
YOU HAVE!
[ROARS]
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
YES, I'M HUNGRY!
[LAUGHS]
WHAT THE--
OW! OW!
GODDAMN IT, LADY!
STOP IT!
STOP IT!
OW!
DID YOU VOTE?
I DID.
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?!
GODDAMN IT!
Diane: DARIEN!
I VOTE GREEN
OCCASIONALLY.
DARIEN,
I WAS CALLING YOU!
GET UP! OOH!
♪ SPANKY, SPANKY, SPANKY ♪
♪ PINCHY, PINCHY,
PINCHY, KICK ♪
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DO YOU MIND?
[SOBBING]
OK, OK.
UPPY, UPPY.
DIANE!
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I THINK I'M GONNA
GO GET A TOWEL.
Darien:
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
Diane: STAY HERE.
I NEED YOU.
DIANE!
JEEZ, YOU'RE
FULL OF BEER TONIGHT.
IF I WAS
ON THE SCHOOLYARD
AND I
PUSHED YOU DOWN,
IT WOULD MEAN
I LIKE YOU, DARIEN.
YEAH, WELL, HERE,
OFF THE SCHOOLYARD,
IT JUST MEANS
YOU'RE DRUNK.
WE SLIDE!
OH, GOD,
TAKE ME INTO--
Diane:
COME ON! GIDDYAP!
GIDDYAP!
PUNCHY! PUNCHY!
KICK ME! KICK ME!
AAH!
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE--OH, JESUS.
WOW. NICE OUTFIT.
OH, THANK YOU.
GREAT, REALLY.
THANKS. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I WAS
GONNA DRESS UP.
I WAS GONNA GO
AS PHILIP'S KID.
YOU KNOW,
PHILIP'S DEAD KID?
OH, POOR LITTLE
SENEGAL SAM.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
SHH...
OH, DEAR,
DEAR DARIEN.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
TO DRESS UP.
GIVE ME THE PILLOW
OVER THERE, MOLLY.
I WANT TO DISTEND
THE BELLY.
WHAT'S--WHAT'S
THE KID'S NAME?
IT'S LAGUNA?
IT'S ABUNA.
ABUNA.
NOT THAT IT
MATTERS TO YOU.
YOU ARE
A HANDSOME MAN.
STAY RIGHT THERE.
[GIGGLES]
Diane: OW! FUCK.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
Diane: STAY THERE.
POOR LITTLE JOBEEN.
SO HUNGRY.
BUT MY PAYMENTS
HAVEN'T COME
THROUGH.
DID MY NICKEL COME
FROM PAPA PHILIP?
NO? THEN I WILL WAIT
LIKE I DID
LAST MONTH
AND THE MONTH
BEFORE THAT.
IT'S ONLY A NICKEL.
ONE NICKEL.
PLEASE!
PAPA, PLEASE!
[THE FEMININE COMPLEX SING
LOVE LOVE LOVE]
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
IS--IS THIS
WHAT YOU WANTED
TO SHOW ME?
OK, I THINK
I SHOULD GO.
NO, NO!
OK, OK, OK.
JEEZ,
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE
OF ADVENTURE?
OUTSIDE.
VERY FUNNY.
LOOK, YOU AND I
ARE FRIENDS.
DIANE, I--
AH, PHILIP,
THE THIRD WORLD
WEEPS TONIGHT.
ARE YOU ALWAYS
THIS FUNNY?
WELL, I LIKE
TO IMAGINE I AM.
THAT...IS ME.
THAT'S VERY CUTE.
ISN'T IT?
VERY CUTE.
I THINK THAT'S
THE BEST ME, DARIEN.
Darien: MM-HMM.
AND THAT...
IS MY FATHER.
HE'S HANDSOME, HUH?
VERY. VERY.
THAT'S MY MOM.
THANK GOD I DIDN'T
INHERIT THOSE HIPS.
SHE'S VERY PRETTY.
VERY PRETTY.
YOU'RE SWEET.
YOU'RE A SWEET,
SWEET MAN, DARIEN.
UH, WHO'S THIS?
OH! THAT?
TRAVIS' FATHER.
OOH, COCKSUCKER.
EXCUSE
WHAT I JUST SAID.
OH, AND
THERE'S TRAVIS.
THERE HE IS.
WILL BE TRAPPED
TOGETHER FOREVER.
OH!
WHOOPS! NOW YOU'VE
SEEN ME NAKED.
YES, I GUESS I HAVE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE A MORE
RECENT PICTURE
OF ME NAKED?
WELL, WHAT, UH...
WHAT? WHAT?
CHEESE!
WHERE'S RAE?
SHE, UH, LEFT
WITH FLETCHER.
BIG GOSSIP, HUH?
BUT I'M FLETCHER.
Woman:
THANKS SO MUCH!
OH, SHIT.
OH, SHIT IS RIGHT.
OK, THAT'S IT. THAT
FUCKING IDIOT'S FIRED.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU LATER, YOU TWO.
I'M SORRY
I YELLED AT YOU.
OH, YOU DIDN'T YELL.
WELL, I'M SORRY
I GOT SO MAD.
YOU DID NOT GET MAD.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THAT HAT OFF?
LET'S KISS.
I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR THIS
ALL NIGHT LONG.
OH! [LAUGHS]
YOU'RE
THE WRONG LIZARD.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
WAIT, WAIT, YOU'RE
THE WRONG LIZARD.
WHERE'S--
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
OK.
[HORROR MOVIE
PLAYS ON TV]
[CHAIN SAW STARTS]
[WOMAN ON TV SCREAMS]
[WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING]
OH, TRAVIS, DARLING,
LET'S NEVER
BREAK UP AGAIN EVER.
AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
TO FELIX,
IT JUST CONFIRMS
MY BELIEF
THAT THIS
IS A MEAN, UGLY,
CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD.
YEAH.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
[BUZZING]
[BUZZING]
[BUZZING]
HELLO?
Carlos:
THERE'S SOMEONE
TO SEE YOU.
CARLOS?
YES?
CARLOS,
IS THAT YOU?
YES.
GREAT.
THERE'S SOMEONE
TO SEE YOU.
HEY, CARLOS,
THANK YOU.
THIS IS
THE FIRST TIME
THAT YOU'VE--
Felix: TRAVIS?
HELLO?
TRAVIS, IT'S FELIX.
Diane: WHO
WAS THAT, HONEY?
THE CATERERS?
IT'S FELIX.
WHAT?!
I KNOW!
I'M AS SURPRISED
AS ANYBODY.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
HE WAS.
A LOT OF HOSPITALS.
WELL, IS HE
WALKING, TRAVIS?
HE'S ON HIS WAY UP.
HE MUST BE WALKING.
WELL, AFTER
WHAT YOU TOLD ME,
I DIDN'T EXPECT
EVER TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
I KNOW,
NEITHER DID I,
BUT I NEVER GOT
THE FULL STORY.
I MEAN, ALL I KNOW IS--
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
TRAVIS!
GET BACK!
GET BACK!
MAY I COME IN?
OF COURSE, BUDDY.
YOU DON'T NEED
NO INVITATION FROM ME.
THIS IS
FOR YOU AND DIANE.
HEY,
LOOKS EXPENSIVE.
OK. UH,
LET'S DO IT.
COME ON IN.
SORRY, BUDDY.
AM I
THE FIRST ONE HERE?
UH, YEAH.
I DON'T THINK
MOST PEOPLE
ARE COMING
UNTIL
AROUND 8:00.
WHAT TIME
IS IT NOW?
UH, 6, 7 AFTER 3:00,
BUDDY.
OHH.
HEY, NO WORRIES!
NO WORRIES!
COME ON IN.
LET'S, UH...
LET'S WATCH
SOME OF THAT TUBE.
LET'S WATCH
SOME PRESHOW
ROSE BOWL STUFF.
OK.
[REFEREE
BLOWS WHISTLE ON TV]
TOFFEE?
[CHEERLEADERS
PERFORMING ON TV]
UH...
YOU WANT TO, UH...
I GOTTA GET SOMETHING.
GOTTA...GO...DIANE.
YOU GO DIANE.
THANKS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
BUDDY.
OH, SHIT.
WHAT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S HIM!
IT'S HIM!
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S HIM.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
NOT MUCH.
I PUT HIM
IN FRONT OF THE TV,
BUT I DON'T THINK
HE'S REALLY WATCHING.
WHY IS HE HERE
SO EARLY, TRAVIS?
BECAUSE WE'RE
HAVING A PARTY, DIANE.
WE'RE HAVING
A PARTY IN 5 HOURS.
DIANE,
HE'S MY FRIEND, OK?
I DON'T TELL YOU
WHO TO BE FRIENDS WITH.
OK. OK, TRAVIS.
YOU GO OUT THERE
AND WATCH TV
WITH YOUR FRIEND.
I'M NOT
GOING OUT THERE.
Referee on TV:
ON THE OFFENSE,
5-YARD PENALTY,
REPEAT FIRST DOWN.
HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
LET'S, UH...
HONEY...
COME ON.
WE GOT TIME.
HE'S WHACKED OUT.
Woman: MAKE YOURSELF
AT HOME.
Man: YOU GONNA MATCH ME
BEER FOR BEER?
I'M FROM DOWN THE HALL.
NEIGHBOR.
I'M FELIX.
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
Sandy:
THE WALLS ARE STILL BLUE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
WE COULD ALWAYS
GO TO JAKE'S LATER
IF IT GETS DULL.
YEAH. YEAH.
GRAB ME A DRINK, OK?
SURE.
OK, BABY.
Philip: SANDY.
PHILIP.
HELLO.
HMM.
SORRY I HAVEN'T RETURNED
ANY OF YOUR CALLS.
I'VE JUST
BEEN REALLY BUSY
WITH MY PAINTING
AND STUFF.
WHO'S, UH,
THE DREAM DATE?
OH, DR. BJORNMAN.
OH.
HE DOESN'T LIKE
WHEN I SAY "DOCTOR."
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT...
M.D., IT'S Ph.D.
I FORGOT
THE PUSSY WILLOWS.
WHAT?
I--I HAD A WHOLE BUNCH
OF PUSSY WILLOWS
I WAS GONNA BRING.
AS A GIFT?
REALLY?
YEAH.
HEY!
HEY!
HOME BREW!
LOOKIN' GOOD.
DARIEN WAS
JUST TELLING ME
THAT HE'S GAY.
AT LEAST
LET ME TELL HIM.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I'M SERIOUS.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
HEY, IT'S NEW YEAR'S,
NOT APRIL FOOL'S, GUYS.
MAYBE THIS
WAS A BAD IDEA.
GEE, WHAT'S
YOUR NAME AGAIN?
MOLLY JEAN.
JEAN? HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
♪ I DREAM ♪
♪ OF JEANNIE ♪
♪ WITH THE LIGHT
BROWN HAIR ♪
I DON'T THINK DEAN MARTIN
EVER DID STEPHEN FOSTER.
[IMITATES JERRY LEWIS]
OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
SHE GOT THE DEAN MARTIN
AND THE STEPHEN FOSTER--
THE WHOLE THING
BOTH TOGETHER.
I CAN'T--THIS IS--
UH, OH!
YOU KNOW
HOW DICK CLARK
DROPS A BALL
ON TIMES SQUARE
EVERY--EVERY
YEAR?
NO.
OH, YEAH, YOU DO.
NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE!
THE CROWDS
IN TIMES SQUARE.
THE--AT MIDNIGHT
WE GO INTO A NEW YEAR.
BANDS PLAYING--
OH, YEAH!
RIGHT! ON THE TV.
YEAH, I KNOW THAT.
I'VE BEEN THERE.
OK, WELL, THIS YEAR,
I'M DROPPIN' A BALL,
TOO.
THIS YEAR,
TIMES SQUARES
COMES TO BROOKLYN.
WANNA HELP?
NO, BUT I'LL WATCH
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
ALL RIGHT.
VIEWER'S CHOICE.
[SIGHS]
MILES...
IS DARIEN
REALLY GAY?
GAY AS
A HEART ATTACK.
HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
BEFORE I START
AVOIDING YOU,
I THOUGHT
WE OUGHT TO SPEAK.
SURE.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S
SOME UNFINISHED
BUSINESS HERE
BETWEEN THE 2 OF US.
DIANE, REALLY--
LOOK, I'M FINE
WITH--WITH EVERYTHING.
HMM.
WELL,
HOW AMNESIAC OF YOU.
DO I KNOW YOU?
NOT YET.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
WELL, I'M SORRY, DARIEN,
BUT I CAN'T JUST PRETEND
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
LOOK...
THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE,
WE DID AND SAID
SOME THINGS THAT WE--
WELL, THAT MAYBE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID.
I MEAN, YOU'VE MADE IT
NO SECRET OVER THE YEARS
ABOUT THE WAY
YOU FEEL ABOUT ME.
BUT I MUST ADMIT
IT WAS A BIT
OPPORTUNISTIC OF YOU
TO MAKE
THOSE FEELINGS CLEAR
SO CLOSE TO MY BREAK-UP.
I THINK YOU'RE
REMEMBERING IT--
AND UNSUSPECTING TRAVIS
LOOKS LIKE A CLOWN PRINCE
TO EVERYONE
AS HE FUELS YOU
WITH DRINKS,
UNKNOWINGLY ENHANCING
YOUR ALREADY BLATANTLY
PUBLIC OVERTURES.
MY OVERTURES?
LIKE I SAID, DARIEN,
MAYBE IT WAS GOOD
TO FINALLY GET IT ALL OUT.
IT IS. IT'S GOOD
TO FINALLY GET IT ALL OUT.
IT'S GOOD
TO GET IT ALL OUT
SO THAT I CAN
FINALLY TELL YOU...
THAT I AM SO FLATTERED,
BUT I'M MARRIED.
AND I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO THINK OF YOU
AS ANYTHING
BUT THE GREAT FRIEND
THAT YOU ARE TO ME.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I UNDERSTAND.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU ARE GOING TO BE
A REAL LADY-KILLER
SOMEDAY.
OH, YES.
COME HERE. COME.
NOW, I WANT YOU
TO GO OUT THERE
AND GET 'EM, TIGER!
OK?
OK.
DIANE, NOT--NOT THAT
IT REALLY MATTERS MUCH,
BUT, UH...
[SOBBING]
I'M SO SORRY.
NO!
I'M FLATTERED.
I'M FLATTERED.
I'M SUCH A STUPID,
STUPID, STUPID WOMAN!
DIANE,
REALLY, IT'S--
IT'S OK. REALLY.
[HOARSELY]
CAN I HAVE A SIP?
THANKS.
MOLLY, YOU
REMEMBER MILES.
DIANE, YOU'VE
INTRODUCED US,
LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES.
WELL,
NOT A THOUSAND--
MILES WORKS
AT A RECORD--
AND I ALWAYS
GET THIS WRONG--
A RECORD COMPANY.
STORE.
NO, I USUALLY SAY
STORE. COMPANY.
STORE.
I SELL 'EM, DIANE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
COULD HAVE SWORN
IT WAS COMPANY.
NO. I USED TO WORK
AT A RECORD COMPANY.
NOW I WORK
AT A RECORD STORE.
I--I WAS FIRED.
AHH.
PHILIP! PHILIP!
THE SCUTTLEBUTT IS,
NO PUN INTENDED,
YOU KNOW THE PUN
I'M TALKING ABOUT
WHEN I DROP
THIS BOMBSHELL ON YOU.
YES, TRAVIS,
IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT
FOR ME
TO DECIPHER ANY PUN
YOU MAY HAVE INTENDED
WHEN I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE HELL
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
RIGHT. RIGHT. OK.
IS, UM--
OK. ALL RIGHT.
OUR MAN DARIEN
"THE FACE" OFFENBURGER
IS NOT EXACTLY
NOT GAY.
WHAT?
RIGHT. RIGHT.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
OK, UH, MILES JUST
ANNOUNCED SEMI-SECRETLY
TO A HANDFUL OF US
THAT, UH, DARIEN--
IF A YOUNG LADY WERE
TO MAKE HER INTENTIONS KNOWN,
DARIEN MIGHT NOT BE RECEPTIVE
TO HER ADVANCES,
OR FOR THAT MATTER,
ANY OF THE HER'S ADVANCES
FOR THAT MATTER.
WHAT?
I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNOW. FOR REAL.
LET ME SPELL IT OUT
FOR YOU.
DARIEN IS
N-O-T-H-E-T-E-R-O.
NOTHERO?
NO. NOT--
N-O-T-H--
DARIEN'S GAY!
YEAH. OF COURSE.
WHAT?
I'VE KNOWN HE WAS GAY
EVER SINCE I MET HIM.
I DON'T TELL
A LOT OF PEOPLE
THIS, BUT...
I WAS IN LOVE
WITH A GAY MAN ONCE.
I MEAN, I KNEW IT
WOULDN'T WORK OUT,
BUT--AND
I WASN'T TRYING
TO CHANGE HIM.
I WOULDN'T TRY
TO CHANGE ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW,
WHO THEY ARE
IS THE BEST THEM.
YOU THOUGHT THAT
OUR MAN DARIEN WAS GAY?
I HAD AN IDEA.
NOW THAT HE SAID IT,
IT SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE.
WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU
THAT IDEA?
I DON'T KNOW.
THE WAY HE ACTS.
THE WAY HE DRESSES.
THE FEELING YOU GET
WHEN YOU'RE AROUND HIM.
I--I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT?!
THE WAY HE DRESSES?!
DARIEN DRESSES HIP.
WHAT--IS FLETCHER GAY?
FLETCHER'S STRAIGHT.
DARIEN'S GAY.
OH, MAN.
WHAT?
THAT'S REVERSE RACISM.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE STANDING HERE
TALKING ABOUT DARIEN
THAT WAY.
THAT'S REVERSE RACISM.
FIRST OF ALL,
IT'S NOT REVERSE RACISM
BECAUSE DARIEN'S GAY.
WELL, THEN
IT'S JUST RACISM.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH RACE.
OK, IT'S NOT RACISM.
YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBE.
WHY? BECAUSE I KNEW
DARIEN WAS GAY,
WHICH HE IS?
DARIEN HELPED YOU
MOVE IN, MAN.
A 4-STORY WALK-UP,
AND HE HELPED YOU MOVE IN.
YEAH.
AND ALL THAT TIME
YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE
WATCHING HIM BUST HIS ASS
TO HELP YOU, THINKING,
"DARIEN'S GAY."
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS.
I DIDN'T REALLY
THINK ABOUT IT.
[SCOFFS] OH, MAN.
I'VE ALWAYS HAD
AN AFFINITY
FOR GAYS.
THEY HAVE OLD SOULS,
YOU KNOW, THE GAYS?
I JUST SEEM
TO BE ATTRACTED TO
THE GAY OLD SOULS.
HMM.
WHAT? HE COULDN'T,
LIKE, CARRY UP
THE BOXES HIMSELF?
HE COULDN'T CARRY
HIS OWN WEAK,
GAY LITTLE WEIGHT?!
TRAVIS, I HARDLY
THINK STRENGTH
IS ANY INDICATION
OF WHETHER
SOMEONE'S GAY OR NOT.
WELL, APPARENTLY
YOU THINK SO.
WHAT? AM I GAY?
YES, TRAVIS.
YOU'RE GAY.
YOU KNOW
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHEN WE MOVED IN HERE,
WHO BROUGHT UP
THE BOX SPRING?
OH, WHY DOES THIS
ALWAYS COME BACK
TO MOVING?
WHO BROUGHT UP
THE BOX SPRING?!
Travis:
ARE WE ALL GAY?!
NO.
I'M NOT PLAYING
THE GAME.
YOU ROPED ME IN.
I'M NOT PLAYING
THE GAME.
[IMITATES W.C. FIELDS]
SOMEBODY PUT
PINEAPPLE JUICE
IN MY PINEAPPLE JUICE.
W.C. FIELDS.
HEY, MILES.
HOW YOU DOING?
JUST TRYING TO GET THIS
KARAOKE MACHINE WORKING.
YEAH, BUT
HOW ARE YOU?
MMM, NOT BAD.
JUST TRYING TO GET THIS
KARAOKE MACHINE WORKING.
BEEN A WHILE, HUH?
HEY, OUR SHIRTS ARE ALMOST
THE SAME COLOR TONIGHT.
WHAT?
WE LOOK ALIKE.
TCH TCH.
OH, THE LIZARD,
RIGHT?
YEAH. CRAZY NIGHT.
THEY GOT KIM CARNES.
I LIKE THE GAYS
IN GERMANY.
YOU KNOW?
WHERE THE COFFEE IS.
YES, THEY KNOW
HOW TO BE GAY.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE PREMATURE
IN FIRING YOU.
AND I JUST
WANTED YOU TO KNOW,
THAT IF
YOU EVER WANTED
YOUR OLD JOB BACK,
THAT IT WAS THERE
WAITING FOR YOU.
[SLOWLY]
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I AM SAYING?
SURE. YOU'RE OFFERING ME
MY OLD JOB BACK.
RIGHT.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
FLETCH,
I'M REALLY HAPPY
WHERE I AM NOW.
THE RECORD STORE AND I
HAVE BEEN A GOOD MATCH.
I THINK I LIKE
BEING WITH THE MUSIC
AFTER IT'S DONE...
RATHER THAN IN THOSE EARLY,
SOMETIMES BORING STAGES.
FELIX, MY CAT,
YOU COOL?
HEY, BUDDY.
I'M HAVING
A GREAT TIME.
THANKS SO MUCH
FOR THE INVITES.
YOU'VE GOT SOME
GREAT, GREAT FRIENDS.
YEAH. YEAH.
UH...
ANYONE TELL YOU
ABOUT DARIEN?
WHAT?!
IS HE ALL RIGHT?!
YEAH. YEAH.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
OH. THANK GOD.
[SPARKING]
OH!
[SPARKING]
OH-H-H!
IT'S JUST, UM,
DARIEN, UM...
Miles: YO!
DARIEN'S FOUND OUT
THAT HE'S GAY.
OH, YEAH. SURE.
Miles: I'M OK!
I'M ALL RIGHT.
OH, I ALWAYS KNEW
DARIEN WAS GAY.
I CELEBRATE HIS COURAGE
TO LET HIS CHOICE BE KNOWN.
YOU THOUGHT
DARIEN WAS GAY?
OH, YEAH.
OK, MAN.
THIS IS A REALLY SPECIAL
NIGHT FOR YOU.
YEAH.
IT'S TOO BAD THE CATATONIC
STOLE YOUR THUNDER.
OK.
THE SUICIDE POSITIONS.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
SANDY LIKES THE SIDE.
HELLO, PHILIP.
HI.
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
LOST SOME WEIGHT
IN THE FACE.
HI, FRANK.
[IMITATES ALFRED HITCHCOCK]
HELLO. I MEANT
TO TELL YOU
I VERY MUCH
LIKE YOUR LIPSTICK.
IT'S VERY RED.
IT REMINDS ME
OF BLOOD.
HEY, PHILIP.
WHY DON'T YOU GET US
2 MORE DRINKS?
I'M--I'M NOT DONE
WITH MINE.
YOU GO ON AHEAD.
YOU--YOU WANT
ANOTHER DRINK,
YOU GO ON.
I'LL--I'LL WAIT.
ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE YOUR COAT OFF?
I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU WARM?
I'M FINE. WHY?
I'M SORTA HOT.
TAKE YOUR COAT OFF.
ARE YOU
TAKING YOURS OFF?
NOT NOW, NO.
OH, TRAVIS.
FLETCHER, LET'S HOPE
TONIGHT'S NOT A RETCHER.
HOPE NOT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
[DRILLING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
TRAVIS?
OH! A BALL--THE BALL.
I'M RIGGING THE BALL.
FOR NEW YEAR'S.
YEAH. I DIDN'T GET
A TREE THIS YEAR, SO...
JUST A MENORAH.
I GET THE BALL.
AND THE BALL...
WILL FALL
AT MIDNIGHT.
UH-OH. BETTER HURRY.
YOU GOT 2 HOURS.
YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT I HAVEN'T REALLY
TESTED THIS THING OUT.
THERE'S, UH, SOME MECHANICS--
ELECTRICITY INVOLVED.
YOU WANT SOME HELP?
YEAH, FLETCH.
WHAT DON'T YOU GRAB
THAT BUCKET OF WASHERS
AND HAUL UP
THE EXTENSION CORD?
OH, NO, NOT ME.
BUT I COULD GO IN
AND ASK SOMEBODY
FOR YOU.
OH, UH, NO.
LET THE CROWDS
HAVE THEIR FUN.
NEW YEAR'S
IS A TIME OF MYSTERY.
I'LL TAKE CARE
OF BUSINESS.
♪ FRANKIE AND JOHNNY
WERE SWEETHEARTS ♪
♪ OH, LORDY,
HOW THEY DID LOVE ♪
♪ SWORE TO BE TRUE
TO EACH OTHER ♪
♪ JUST AS TRUE
AS THE STARS ABOVE ♪
Both: ♪ HE WAS HER MAN ♪
♪ HE WOULDN'T
DO HER WRONG ♪
♪ FRANKIE WENT DOWN
TO THE CORNER ♪
♪ JUST FOR A BUCKET
OF BEER ♪
♪ JUST SAID,
"HEY, MR. BARTENDER ♪
♪ "HAS MY LOVELY JOHNNY
BEEN HERE? ♪
♪ HE'S MY MAN" ♪
YOU KNOW THAT GUY?
YEAH.
HE'S MY DATE, MILES.
I WAS YOUR DATE ONCE.
♪ FRANKIE LOOKED OVER
THE TRANSOM ♪
YOU DONE YET?
GETTING THERE.
WANT TO GET US
2 MORE DRINKS?
WHY DO I
HAVE TO DO IT?
NO REASON.
♪ MAKING LOVE
TO NELLIE BLY ♪
♪ HE'S MY MAN ♪
PHILIP,
CALL DARIEN OVER.
I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY
TO DARIEN RIGHT NOW.
JUST CALL HIS NAME.
WHY DO YOU
WANT DARIEN?
TO SEE
IF HE HAS A PEN.
I GOT A PEN.
YOU WANT A PEN?
JUST CALL HIM
OVER HERE.
I'LL GIVE YOU A PEN
IF YOU NEED A PEN.
CATCH HIS EYE
AND WAVE HIM OVER.
I--
GONNA GET
ANOTHER DRINK?
♪ BUT HE WAS
DOIN' HER WRONG ♪
WAS THERE A REASON
YOU WERE GONNA
GIVE FELIX A PEN?
WHAT?
WHAT--YOU GOT A PEN
THAT SQUIRTS INK
OR SOMETHING?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
LIKE I WAS
GONNA BRING YOU
OVER THERE,
YOU WERE GONNA
GIVE HIM A PEN,
AND HE WAS GONNA
SPRAY IT ALL OVER ME
OR SOMETHING.
♪ AND HE WAS
DOING ME WRONG ♪
THANKS, BUDDY.
SURE.
♪ THIS STORY
HAS NO MORAL ♪
♪ THIS STORY
HAS NO END ♪
OH. BEFORE
I FORGET...
WOULD YOU SEND THIS
TO JOAQUIN?
JUST SOME MONEY
I HAD LAYING AROUND
COLLECTING INTEREST.
MY GOD!
CAR ACCIDENT
I HAD AS A CHILD.
FELIX.
OH, I REGRET
IT'S NOT MORE.
$12,407. FELIX,
I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS.
PLEASE, I'D SEE IT
AS AN INSULT.
WE'RE TOLD
NOT TO SPOIL THEM.
IT'S POTENTIALLY DAMAGING
TO CHANGE THEIR LIVES
SO SUDDENLY,
SO EXTRAVAGANTLY.
$12,000 WOULD
MAKE HIM ROYALTY.
LITTLE KING JOAQUIN.
AND...
All: 10...9...
8...7...6...
5...4...
3...2...
ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WHOA.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY--HAPPY NEW YEAR.
[NOISEMAKERS BLOWING]
♪ IF YOU'RE WONDERING ♪
♪ WHAT I DID BEFORE ♪
♪ AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M BACK ♪
3, 2, 1--
IT'S OVER NOW.
♪ SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE ♪
GUESS
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
IT'S FUNNY,
I NEVER THOUGHT
OF MYSELF AS HANDSOME.
OH!
NO, IT'S TRUE.
I'M THINKING
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
LET THAT SANDY GO.
SHE'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN.
[SIGHS] I KNOW.
♪ I NEED YOU ♪
THANKS, BUDDY.
THANKS A LOT, BUDDY.
I APPRECIATE IT.
THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
TRAVIS, HONEY,
YOU MISSED THE COUNTDOWN.
HEY, BABY.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THAT WE WERE GONNA
SPEND THIS NEW YEAR'S
WITH ALL OF OUR FRIENDS.
LOOK, DIANE,
IT'S NOT NEW YEAR'S
UNTIL I
SAY IT IS, OK?
ALL RIGHT, TRAVIS.
THEN YOU TELL ME
WHEN IT'S NEW YEAR'S.
I'M A LITTLE
TICKLISH. NO.
NO, DON'T.
OH! I'M MAKING
A SPEECH.
EVERYBODY
LISTEN UP. SHH!
UM...
SHH!
WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY
HOW HAPPY BUSBY AND I ARE TO--
OH, MY GOD.
DID I JUST SAY BUSBY?
YEAH.
I'M A LITTLE BIT DRUNK.
UM, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
HOW HAPPY TRAVIS AND I
AND ALL OF US ARE
TO BE SPENDING NEW YEAR'S
WITH ALL OF YOU,
OUR CLOSEST AND
OUR BEST, BEST FRIENDS.
AND, UM, WE LOVE YOU.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH,
SO LET'S PROMISE TO HAVE
AN EVEN BETTER NEW YEAR'S
THIS NEW YEAR'S, HUH?
[NOISEMAKER BLOWS]
CHEERS!
WE LOVE YOU!
ALL RIGHT,
WHO WANTS TO SING?
I'M GONNA SING.
Diane: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Darien: HAPPY NEW YEAR.
COME ON. SOMEBODY.
ONE OF YOU.
IF YOU
WOULDN'T MIND?
Diane:
NO, NOT AT ALL.
AHEM.
BEAUTIFUL DREAMER
BY STEPHEN FOSTER.
[FALSETTO]
♪ BEAUTIFUL DREAMER ♪
♪ WAKE UNTO ME ♪
♪ STARLIGHT ♪
♪ AND DEWDROPS ♪
♪ ARE WAITING FOR THEE ♪
♪ SOUNDS OF THE RUDE WORLD ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ HEARD IN THE DAY ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ LULLED BY THE MOONLIGHT ♪
♪ HAVE ALL PASSED AWAY ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL DREAMER ♪
♪ QUEEN OF MY SONG ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL DREAMER ♪
♪ AWAKE UNTO ME ♪
[BARITONE] ♪ ME ♪
THANK YOU.
[GROANING]
[MUFFLED VOICES]
CHEERS TO YOU.
MY HUSBAND, EVERYONE!
[CHEERING]
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD IN THE BEST WAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ WE'RE SMILIN' ON THIS DAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S SMILING ON THIS DAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD
IN THE BEST WAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
BECAUSE IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ BECAUSE
IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD IN THE BEST WAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S SMILIN' ON THIS DAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ BECAUSE IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT
JE T'AIME, TRAVIS.
Travis: I LOVE YOU,
TOO, BABY.
DO YOU KNOW
HOW SPECIAL
YOU ARE TO ME?
I'M YOUR LITTLE MAN.
NO, NO, YOU'RE
NOT MY LITTLE MAN.
YOU'RE MY HUSBAND.
RIGHT.
AND I WANT TO KISS
EVERY INCH OF YOU.
THIS ONE
AND THIS ONE.
OH, SEEMS LIKE IT'S
TIME FOR MY ASCENT.
MMM.
I'M GONNA
NEED YOUR HELP
TOMORROW, TRAVIS.
NO PROBLEM, BABY.
I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO PICK UP
SOME INGREDIENTS
FROM THE STORE.
I'M MAKING
PUSAN MELANGE
I MAKE FOR
BIRTHDAY DINNERS--
I'LL SPIN OVER AFTER
I GET FELIX'S PRESENT.
OH, DAMN IT,
TRAVIS. NOW,
WE DISCUSSED THIS.
TOMORROW'S PARTY'S
HIS PRESENT.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
I'M JUST GETTING HIM
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA
GET MORE TUBING FOR
THE BREWERY ANYWAYS.
OH, KEEP THE STILL
HIDDEN, WILL YOU?
I MEAN,
YOU CAN SHOW IT
TO YOUR FRIENDS,
BUT THIS WILL
BE THE FIRST TIME
PEOPLE SEE
THE NEW HOUSE.
I'M TRYING VERY HARD
TO CREATE SOMETHING
NICE HERE.
BABY, IT'S GONNA
BE REAL CLASSY.
CLASSY.
FINE, TRAVIS.
IT WOULD
BE INTERESTING
IF WE COULD CREATE
A SALON, A COMMUNITY
FOR OUR FRIENDS
TO EXCHANGE IDEAS ON
ART AND PHILOSOPHY.
I WISH WE HAD
MORE FRENCH CHUMS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
HELLO!
HA HA HA!
MILES, HOW'D
YOU GET UP HERE?
THE DOORMAN
WAVED US UP.
HEY, OLD MAN,
MY MARRIED MAN.
DIANE!
THIS IS SANDY.
CARLOS JUST LET
MILES UP WITHOUT
ANNOUNCING HIM.
SANDY'S THE GIRL
I'VE BEEN
TELLING YOU ABOUT.
HE JUST
LET MILES
AND HIS DATE UP
WITHOUT
ANNOUNCING THEM.
SANDY, IT IS SO NICE
TO MEET YOU.
SANDY'S JUST STARTING
THE ARTISTS PROGRAM--
HEY, LOOK
WHAT I FOUND
DOWN IN THE LOBBY!
PHILIP!
IS IT BROOKS
OR IS IT BROTHERS?
THIS ISN'T AS FORMAL
AS I THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE.
OH, THE MORON
DIDN'T BUZZ HIM UP
EITHER, TRAVIS.
NO, BABY, HE WAS
WITH ME. IT'S OK.
HEY, MY BUDDY,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY
A LITTLE HOME BREW?
I GOT A LITTLE STILL
IN THE LINEN CLOSET.
HOME BREW?
MILES, YOU PUT ON
SOME WEIGHT.
RIGHT THIS WAY,
SENATOR.
YOU THINK
I'M A LITTLE HEAVY?
I JUST WANT TO GET
MY FACE CHANGED.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I DON'T KNOW HOW,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
INJECTIONS
OF SOME SORT.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
BIG D! TENACIOUS D!
OH, GOING UP,
GOING UP AND DOWN.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU,
MY MAN?
THIS IS ALLY, ALLY.
HI.
HAVE WE MET?
NO, NO,
YOU HAVEN'T, DIANE.
THIS IS ALLY--
WAS IT SHEEDY?
YES, YES.
THIS IS
ALLY SHEEDY, DIANE.
NICE
TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WELCOME.
THIS WHOLE--
ORIGINALLY,
THIS WHOLE THING
WAS TIN.
Diane: DINNER WILL
BE JUST A FEW SECONDS.
IT'S A NEW STOVE,
AND I DON'T--OOH.
OH, NO, EVERYONE'S
IN THE WRONG SEATS.
EVERYBODY UP. UP!
PHILIP...MILES...
SANDY...
ALLY, ME, AND DARIEN,
FLETCHER
WHEN HE GETS HERE,
FELIX IF HE
EVER GETS HERE,
AND TRAVIS. TSK!
Travis: ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY,
I HOPE YOU LIKE
YOUR BEER TASTING GOOD.
THIS HAPPENS TO BE
THE FIRST PITCHER
OF TRAVIS WHEAT.
TA-DA!
Ally: SO YOU BREWED
THIS YOURSELF?
OH, WELL,
ALLY...SHEEDY...
I BREWED IT MYSELF.
IS THAT
A CONTACT LENS?
MILES, MAN,
YOU'RE IN MY SEAT.
Ally: YOU ALL RIGHT?
UH-OH.
SHE'S SMOKING.
DIANE IS GONNA
LOSE HER MIND.
YOO-HOO!
ONE FOR YOU...
ONE FOR YOU,
AND FOR YOU.
DO YOU KNOW
SUSAN SARANDON?
UH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW
ROBERT DE NIRO?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW
JACK NICHOLSON?
YEAH, YEAH. I'VE
MET HIM A FEW TIMES.
HE'S NICE.
HOW ABOUT IGGY POP?
NO.
HOW ABOUT THE CARS?
WHAT?
THE CARS.
OH, ALLY, MILES WORKS
AT A RECORD STORE.
COMPANY.
COMPANY, DIANE.
MY BUDDY
FLETCHER AND I
ARE ASSISTANT
RECORDING ENGINEERS
FOR LIGHTNING SOUND.
IT'S AMAZING
HOW LITTLE RETENTION
PEOPLE HAVE
NOWADAYS.
I MUST'VE TOLD DIANE
A THOUSAND TIMES
WHAT I DO.
SHE STILL THINKS
I WORK
AT A RECORD STORE.
THAT'S AMAZING.
WHAT AM I, 16?
A LOT OF PEOPLE
YOUR AGE WORK
AT A RECORD STORE.
YEAH,
BUT COME ON, LOOK
HOW I'M DRESSED.
WHAT?
WHAT?
YOU LIKE MUSIC?
YEAH.
IT'S THE MUSIC
OF THE GODS.
MUSIC IS THE MUSIC
OF THE GODS.
I'VE NEVER HEARD IT
PUT QUITE THAT WAY BEFORE.
WELL, MY FATHER
WAS A POET.
COME ON IN.
TAKE A LOAD OFF.
I'M GONNA GET
SOME PISTACHIOS
FOR THE TABLE.
HERE YOU GO. HOPE
YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S FELIX'S.
YOU REMEMBER FELIX.
OH, RIGHT,
YOUR FRIEND FELIX.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL GIVE IT
TO HIM. WHERE IS HE?
HE HASN'T
MADE IT YET.
HEY, LET ME GET YOU
SOME MORE TRAVIS WHEAT,
FLETCHER.
YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE THIS.
WELL, IF I AM HERE,
IT MEANS THE WEEK IS OVER.
THANK GOD--WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I WAS INVITED, TOO.
I'M FRIENDS
WITH TRAVIS.
NO, I DON'T MEAN THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU CAN'T BE HERE.
WE BOTH CAN'T BE HERE.
WHO'S MINDING
THE STORE?
COMPANY.
COMPANY, FLETCHER.
OK, IF YOU'RE HERE,
THEN WHO'S IN THE STUDIO
FOR THE MIXING SESSION
THAT STARTED AN HOUR
AND A HALF AGO?
OOPS.
I'M SURE HECTOR
AND ROMAN ARE THERE.
YEAH, AND THE WOMAN
THAT REFILLS THE NAPKINS
IN THE JOHN.
DIDN'T WE SAY THAT
YOU WOULD COVER FOR ME
SO I COULD
HAVE A NIGHT OFF?
YEAH.
RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYBODY.
OH, NO,
FLETCHER.
HEY, DON'T WORRY,
FLETCHER.
WHEN THE PROMOTION
GOES THROUGH,
WE'LL BE MAKING
OUR OWN HOURS, HUH?
YOU KNOW, I'M TOO TIRED
TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT.
I'M SWAMPED. I HOPE
YOU OR TONY GETS IT.
YEAH,
TONY'D BE GREAT.
TYPE "A."
ANYWAY,
I REMEMBER ONCE...
CAREFUL
ON YOUR WAY OUT.
HELLO?
HI.
CHRIST, THIS
IS RIDICULOUS.
DID THE DOORMAN
JUST LET YOU UP?
WHAT DOORMAN?
BEAUTIFUL. COULD YOU
HOLD ON ONE MOMENT, PLEASE?
CARLOS, CARLOS!
ESCUCHE MÍ, CARLOS.
IS TRAVIS HERE?
HEY, THERE HE IS!
OUR OWN DAVID HENNING.
UH, COULD YOU TAKE--
I DIDN'T EVEN
HEAR YOU APPEAR.
TRAVIS?
I GOT
SOME MORE STUFF
IN THE CAB.
SURE, NO PROBLEM,
YOUR OTHERWORLDLINESS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST DROP YOUR STUFF
AND I'LL TELL CARLOS
TO LET YOU BACK UP.
NO NEED.
IS HE
THE STRIPPER?
APPARENTLY.
GOOD-LOOKING.
I'M SORRY. WE
HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY
INTRODUCED. I'M ALLY.
I'M SANDY DILOFF.
YOU HAVE
BEAUTIFUL LONG HAIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE REALLY
PRETTY HAIR, TOO.
JUST BECAUSE
ALLY SHEEDY SAYS
SHE LIKES YOUR HAIR,
YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY
THE IDENTICAL THING.
I DON'T--
DON'T BE
SO NERVOUS, SANDY.
ANYWAY, ALLY--AHEM.
WHO WAS THAT?
HMM?
WHO WAS THAT?
OH, A MAGICIAN.
A MAGICIAN?
YEAH, THAT'S DON,
THE, UH--
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S
GOT A STAGE NAME
OR ANYTHING,
BUT WE'LL FIND OUT.
HE'S THE REAL DEAL.
TRAVIS, WHAT
IS HE DOING HERE?
HE'S
THE ENTERTAINMENT.
I DON'T WANT
TO GET INTO A WHOLE
EAST COAST,
WEST COAST THING.
ENTERTAIN--WE ARE
HAVING A DINNER PARTY.
BIRTHDAY PARTY,
DIANE.
FOR SOMEONE
WHO'S HOW OLD, TRAVIS?
MY MAN IS 33 TODAY.
YEAH, YOU GOT A CLOWN
COMING, TOO? HOO-HOO!
GET RID OF THE GUY.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S NOT WEST COAST,
EAST COAST.
IT'S WEST SIDE,
EAST SIDE.
Diane: WHY NOT?
Travis: HE'S
A FRIEND, A BUDDY.
WHAT?
I KNOW HIM.
HE'S A
DOWN-ON-HIS-LUCK GUY.
HE'S HAD A LOT OF
HARD BREAKS, OK?
HE USED TO BE
IN THE SOFTWARE
BUSINESS,
AND IT DIDN'T
REALLY PAN OUT.
HE'S KIND OF
A FREE SPIRIT.
HE'S NOT REALLY
EMPLOYABLE.
WHY ISN'T HE
EMPLOYABLE?
UH, WELL, HE, UH,
GOT DIVORCED,
AND HE LOST
THE CUSTODY BATTLE,
AND HE TURNED
TO THE BOTTLE.
OH, TRAVIS.
BUT HE'S IN AA NOW,
AND HE'S FOUND
MAGIC,
AND HE'S
DOING GREAT.
TRAVIS, IS IT
YOUR BIRTHDAY?
NO, NO, IT'S
NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S MY BUDDY
FELIX'S.
THE PRICK.
HEY, I GOT SONG SHEETS
FOR EVERYBODY.
HERE WE GO.
PASS THIS DOWN THERE.
WHERE IS FELIX?
UH, HE'LL BE HERE.
HE CALLED.
WHEN DID HE CALL?
EARLIER.
WHEN EARLIER?
BEFORE YOU
GOT HERE, PHIL.
BEFORE, UH,
ANY OF YOU GOT HERE.
YOU WEREN'T WITH ME
THE WHOLE DAY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
THERE'S MY BUDDY!
OH, GOD,
WHAT A PRICK.
Felix: MAN, I'VE BEEN
OUT THERE FOR 40 MINUTES.
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD
IN THE BEST WAY ♪
TRAVIS, CARLOS
JUST LET ANOTHER
PERSON UP.
FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT!
DID HE TAKE YOUR NAME
OR ANYTHING?
WHO?
OH, I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
Ally:
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY ♪
YOU HAVE
A PRETTY VOICE.
THANKS.
I'M SORRY.
COME ON, FELIX,
SIT DOWN.
I GOTTA
MAKE A CALL.
HE DOESN'T
SEEM VERY HAPPY
THAT IT'S
HIS BIRTHDAY.
Darien: TRAVIS AND FELIX
HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
TRAVIS CONSIDERS FELIX
HIS BEST FRIEND,
BUT THE POPULAR CONSENSUS
IS THAT FELIX IS DIFFICULT.
FRANKLY, IF HE
HAD A PERSONALITY,
WHICH I DON'T THINK
HE DOES, ALLY,
BUT IF HE DID,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL
WOULD JUST BE SOME
KIND OF AN ASSHOLE.
YOU KNOW
THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE.
OH, UH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, LIKE
A KEVIN COSTNER.
OH. WHY WOULD
YOU SAY THAT?
I MEAN, I HEARD
HE WAS NICE.
OH, YOU KNOW
KEVIN COSTNER?
NO, I JUST--
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
I JUST HEARD
THAT HE WAS NICE.
FROM WHO?
WOODY HARRELSON?
IT MUST BE, UH...
SOMEWHAT OF A TREAT
TO PUT ON SOME WARM
CLOTHING NOW.
YOU KNOW, WEATHER
CHANGE AND ALL.
Ally:
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
OH, THERE HE IS,
MY BUDDY.
YEP, YOU'RE OVER
HERE AT THE HEAD
OF THE TABLE.
YOU'RE THE GUEST
OF HONOR.
COME ON, PHIL,
LET'S GO. [WHISTLES]
LET'S GO,
COME ON, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.
SO, MY BIRTHDAY BOY,
HOW DID MY BIRTHDAY BOY
SPEND HIS BIRTHDAY?
NOTHING.
NOTHING?
THAT DOESN'T SOUND
TOO FESTIVE.
HEY, DIANE
CAN'T GET THE STOVE
TO WORK PROPERLY.
YOU WANT SOME CEREAL
OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT?
I DON'T WANT
ANY CEREAL.
HEY.
HEY.
LOOKING GOOD
OVER THERE.
EXCITING STUFF.
YEAH, WELL,
I'M PRETTY MUCH, UH...
SET UP.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT A CIGARETTE?
OH, YEAH, SURE.
YOU CAN TAKE
A COUPLE.
NO, JUST ONE.
IF I TAKE 2,
I'LL SMOKE 2.
I'M NOT REALLY ONE
FOR SELF CONTROL,
I GUESS.
I UNDERSTAND.
WHOA.
HEY!
I DON'T KNOW YOU,
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
I'VE SEEN YOU
IN MOVIES.
DARIEN.
TRAVIS' GIRLFRIEND.
WIFE.
RIGHT.
HELLO, PHILIP.
HELLO, FELIX.
I'M SANDY DILOFF.
DILHOFF?
DILOFF.
DILOFF.
VERY PRETTY NAME.
THANK YOU.
HEY, LOOK, YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO EAT?
WE GOT PLENTY.
NO, NO. I'M GONNA
GO GET A BURGER,
GET MY HEAD TOGETHER
BEFORE THE SHOW.
GOOD IDEA, GREAT.
OK, HEY, LISTEN.
I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS.
I KNOW THIS IS
GONNA BE GREAT.
THANKS, THANKS.
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN SHE WAS
IN THAT MOVIE
SHORT CIRCUIT?
HEY, DON, DON, DON.
I FORGOT TO ASK YOU.
YOU GOT A NAME?
DON.
NO, NO, I MEAN
LIKE A MAGIC NAME,
LIKE DON THE MYSTERIOUS
OR SOMETHING.
DON...
DON.
YEAH, OK.
HEY, FELIX,
BEFORE I FORGET,
THIS ONE
IS FROM FLETCHER.
WHO?
UH, FLETCHER.
HE WORKS WITH MILES,
DARK HAIR, NICE GUY.
OH, DARK HAIR,
NICE GUY. FLETCHER?
RIGHT.
OH, YEAH, I GUESS.
UH-OH. [IMITATING
BASEBALL CHARGE]
Diane:
HERE, WANT ME
TO TAKE THAT?
Travis: GET RID
OF THAT, PLEASE.
WHOA.
Guys: OHH!
NICE.
MY MAN'S
GOT A NEW LID.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
I'M SURE I'LL FIND
A PLACE IN MY CLOSET
FOR THIS.
IN THE MEANTIME,
WHY DON'T YOU FIND
A PLACE IN YOUR CLOSET
FOR IT,
AND I WEAR IT
WHENEVER I COME OVER.
HEY, GOOD IDEA.
IT'S ON HOLD.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M FELIX.
OH, COME ON.
YOU MET HIM LIKE
A THOUSAND TIMES.
WHY DO YOU
GOTTA BE A DICK?
HAVE I MET YOU
A THOUSAND TIMES?
I DON'T KNOW.
NO.
NO,
NOT A THOUSAND.
SEE? A THOUSAND TIMES.
LET'S PLAY
A GAME. MILES?
MILES.
MILES!
Miles: WHAT?
OH, SHIT.
STAY THERE!
WHAT?!
WE GOTTA
KEEP IT DOWN.
THE BEDROOM DOOR
IS NOT SOUNDPROOF.
OK, LET'S PICK
SOMEBODY.
HOW ABOUT--
MY MAN FELIX.
IT'S GOTTA BE HIM.
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.
OK, I'LL GO GET MILES.
IT'S GONNA
BE YOU, BUDDY.
WE CHOSE A GUY,
AND HE ASKED
A QUESTION LIKE,
FOR INSTANCE,
"WHAT KIND OF CAR
WOULD THIS PERSON BE?"
YOU WOULD SAY,
LIKE, A MUSTANG.
OR AN EDSEL.
Ally: OH, YEAH,
I'VE DONE THIS GAME.
ACTING CLASS.
OK, TRAVIS...
IF THIS PERSON WERE--
Diane: TRAVIS?
OH, JESUS. WHAT?
COULD YOU COME HERE
A SECOND, PLEASE?
WE'RE PLAYING
THE GAME.
TRAVIS.
JESUS. OK, I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
OK. MS. SHEEDY.
IF THIS PERSON WERE...
A CAR, WHAT KIND
OF CAR WOULD THEY BE?
A MUSTANG.
INTERESTING.
A MUSTANG.
I KNOW
YOU LIKE FELIX.
YEAH,
FELIX IS THE MAN.
YEAH, BUT DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK THAT FELIX
NOT ONLY IS NOT THE MAN,
BUT FELIX...DOESN'T
HAVE A PERSONALITY,
AND BENEATH THE BANAL
EXTERIOR THAT HE HAS
IS JUST AN ASSHOLE.
DIANE!
THE ONLY REASON--
DON'T YOU PLAY
STUPID, TRAVIS.
THE ONLY REASON
THAT THIS TURNED
INTO A "SORT OF" BIRTHDAY
PARTY FOR FELIX
IS THAT I WANTED
TO HAVE A DINNER PARTY.
YOU WANTED
TO INVITE FELIX,
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENED
THAT THE EVENT FELL
SOMEWHERE AROUND
HIS BIRTHDAY.
THIS IS NOT AN EFFORT
THAT COMES DIRECTLY
FROM MY HEART.
IF THIS PERSON
WERE A BODILY FUNCTION,
WHAT KIND OF A BODILY
FUNCTION WOULD THEY BE?
SHIT.
IT'S SANDY.
NO, IT'S NOT SANDY.
OH, OK. I JUST THOUGHT
BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS THING.
AHEM.
MS. SHEEDY...
YOU--YOU HAVE
GOT TO CALM DOWN.
NO, NO, NO,
I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.
I'VE GOT A ROOM
FULL OF HUNGRY PEOPLE
OUT THERE.
THEY'RE SNACKING
ON PISTACHIOS.
THAT'S NOT THE WAY
I WAS RAISED.
AND I CAN SEE
BY YOUR EYES
THAT WE CAN
ELIMINATE PHILIP.
WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU TRY AND CATER
SOME OF THIS?
I WANT THEM TO GO.
PLEASE, I WANT THEM
TO GO.
OH, COME ON.
IF YOU LOVE ME,
YOU'LL KILL THEM.
I WANT 'EM TO DIE!
"EVERYBODY FELIX."
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
I'VE GOT PEOPLE
OUT THERE OF MY CLASS.
YOUR CLASS. DIANE--
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT?
PUT THAT OUT.
PUT THAT--
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE,
WOULD YOU PUT THAT OUT!
EVERYBODY
IS SMOKING.
WELL, YOU KNOW
THERE IS NO SMOKING
IN THIS HOUSE, TRAVIS,
PLUS YOU QUIT.
I DIDN'T QUIT. I--
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THEY SHOULD
ALL JUST PUT OUT
THEIR FUCKING
CIGARETTES.
YEAH, RIGHT. ARE YOU
GONNA GO OUT THERE
AND TELL ALLY SHEEDY
TO PUT OUT
HER CIGARETTE?
OH, YES, I WILL.
YEAH, RIGHT.
OK, YOU
JUST WATCH ME.
Miles:
OK, MS. SHEEDY,
IF THIS PERSON
WERE A FAMOUS,
NOT AS FAMOUS AS YOU,
BUT A FAMOUS PERSON--
EXCUSE ME. ALLY
SHEEDY, WOULD YOU
PLEASE PUT THAT OUT?
OH, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.
HE'LL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.
I LIKE THE COFFEE
IN GERMANY.
YEAH. IN THE GERMANY,
THEY KNOW HOW
TO GRIND BEANS.
ITALY HAS
GOOD COFFEE, TOO,
BUT IF YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW
TO GRIND THE BEANS,
YOU KNOW...
YEAH.
WELL, THEN
IT'S ACIDIC.
THE FOAM
RISES TO THE TOP
OF YOUR STOMACH,
BECOMES GASEOUS.
Felix: OH, DID I MISS
THE COFFEE BEAN STORY?
OH, GODDAMN IT! GOD, DIANE,
YOU TELL THAT SO WELL.
I LOVE THAT LITTLE
TRIP TO EUROPE.
OH, YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL
IN THE GRINDING, FELLAS,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU CAN'T GRIND
THE BEANS RIGHT...
YOU KNOW, DIANE,
EVERY TIME
YOU TELL THAT STORY,
IT JUST SOUNDS MORE
AND MORE SPONTANEOUS.
REALLY, IT'S
STARTING TO SOUND LIKE
REAL CONVERSATION TO ME.
YOU PROMISE YOU'RE
GONNA TELL IT
AGAIN, DIANE?
WILL YOU PROMISE?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?
HAS EVERYONE
SEEN THE PICTURE
OF PHILIP'S KID?
NO. PHIL,
YOU GOT A KID?
Phil: NO,
I DON'T HAVE A KID.
OH, YES, YES,
YOU DO.
FOR ONLY NICKELS
A MONTH, TOO.
IT'S, UH, IT'S
JOBEEN, ISN'T IT?
IF YOU ALL MUST
KNOW, I SUPPORT
A VENEZUELAN CHILD
THROUGH
THE INTERNATIONAL
CHILDREN'S
ORGANIZATION.
HIS NAME
ISN'T JOBEEN,
IT'S JOAQUIN.
Travis:
THAT'S NICE, PHIL.
YEAH, THAT'S
MARVELOUS.
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
THIS IS YOUR
SECOND KID NOW,
ISN'T IT, PHIL?
NO, NO,
IT'S NOT.
OH, YES, YES,
IT IS,
BECAUSE
SOMETHING HAPPENED
TO THE OTHER KID.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ALLY SHEEDY
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE OTHER KID?
MAYBE SHE WON'T
FIND THAT SO MARVELOUS.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SHUT UP, FELIX?
HEY, IF THERE WAS
A SECOND KID, PHILIP,
I THINK
YOU OUGHT TO TELL US.
YEAH.
WELL, APPARENTLY,
THE ORGANIZATION,
I.C.O., WILL
INTERVENE, AHEM,
IF YOU MISS
A FEW PAYMENTS.
UM, IT HAD BEEN
A TOUGH YEAR.
YOU ALL KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED WITH
MARGARET AND ME,
AND I FORGOT
A FEW THINGS--
AND THE BOY DIED.
WHAT?
NO, THE BOY
DID NOT DIE.
THEY JUST TOOK
CUSTODY OF THE BOY.
I'M SURE
THEY GAVE HIM
TO SOMEBODY ELSE,
SOMEONE
WHO WOULDN'T FORGET.
WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU?
YOU FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT
TO THAT INFORMATION.
I'M SURPRISED THEY
GAVE YOU ANOTHER ONE.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SHUT UP, FELIX?
OH, LOOK, PHILIP.
I'M HELPING YOU OUT.
YOU ONLY GOT 2 STORIES--
A DIVORCED WIFE
AND THE DEAD KID.
NOW YOU GET
TO TELL THEM BOTH.
PHILIP,
HOW IS MARGARET?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN
HER IN A WHILE.
MAYBE THAT'S 'CAUSE
WE GOT DIVORCED,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
WE WERE DIVORCED.
IT'S BETTER
THIS WAY.
I THINK I--I THINK
I HEAR THE FOOD.
HEAR THE FOOD?
I'M GONNA GIVE
MARGARET A CALL.
PHIL, HERE.
THIS IS FOR THE BOY,
JUST SOMETHING
I HAD LAYING AROUND.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
OH, THAT'S
GREAT, PHILIP.
SOME BIRTHDAY
THIS TURNED OUT TO BE.
ALMOST GETTING
PUNCHED OUT.
HEY, FUCK YOU, TRAVIS.
PHILIP, MAN,
CALM DOWN!
YEAH, PHILIP,
GROW UP.
SHUT UP,
RECORD BOY!
HEY, HEY, HEY,
THAT'S IT,
THAT'S IT,
THAT'S IT! OK,
NEUTRAL CORNERS.
PHIL, WHY
DON'T YOU GO OUT
INTO THE HALL
AND COOL DOWN,
OK, HUH?
I DON'T
HAVE THAT HERE.
PHILIP!
PHILIP!
GLAD YOU CAME?
OH, YOU KNOW,
IT'S, UH, JUST, UH,
MORE GRIST
FOR THE MILL. HA!
WHEW. HEH!
DRAMA.
HEY, HEY, DON.
I WAS GETTING
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
NO WORRIES.
YEAH, SO, UH,
SO YOU GET THAT BURGER?
SO, UH, SO YOU
READY TO DAZZLE
THE LIGHT FANTASTIC?
GET EVERYONE
TOGETHER.
Don:
DON'T TOUCH THAT!
THAT SUCKS.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER
NOT PAID A BILL?
I HARDLY THINK
IT'S THE SAME THING.
BELIEVE ME,
IT'S THE SAME.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I EVER MET THE KID.
YOU KNOW, ALL I GOT
IS SOME BLURRY
BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOS.
I'M CONVINCED
THEY'RE STOCK PHOTOS.
PROBABLY
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
IN THE UNITED STATES
LOOKING AT
THE SAME PICTURE
OF LITTLE JOAQUIN.
YOU DON'T REALLY
MEAN ALL THAT.
WELL, I MIGHT,
BUT FOR THE SAKE
OF THIS CONVERSATION,
I'M GONNA SAY
THAT I DON'T.
FUCK ME.
WHAT?
ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S GET READY
FOR SOME MAGIC
WITH DON.
[MUSIC BEGINS]
♪ WHEN YOUR CUNDELINI'S
RISING ♪
♪ AND YOUR SPIRITS
ARE A-FALLING ♪
♪ THERE IS SOMEONE
ON THE PHONE FOR YOU ♪
♪ IT'S THE MAGIC MAN,
HE'S CALLING ♪
♪ HELLO! ♪
♪ CAN YOU FEEL THE MAGIC
IN THE AIR? ♪
♪ OH, YES ♪
♪ WHO IS THE ONE
WITH THE MAGIC? ♪
♪ IT'S ME ♪
♪ SHOW ME THE MAGIC,
HOW YOU FEELING? ♪
♪ I'M FINE ♪
♪ SHOW ME THE MAGIC
ONE DAY AT A TIME ♪
WOW!
♪ HELLO,
IS THIS YOUR CARD? ♪
♪ CAN YOU FEEL
THE MAGIC? ♪
[DON SCREAMING]
NO, LIKE THIS.
CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP?
PUSH, DON'T PULL.
THAT'S
A TERRIFIC ACT.
Travis: DIANE,
GET THE CAKE READY.
WE GOTTA SING
TO MY MAN.
THERE'S MY BABY
WITH THE CAKE!
1, 2, 3!
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD
IN THE BEST WAY ♪
COME ON.
EVERYBODY--WHAT?
FELIX LEFT.
Philip: GOOD.
LET'S EAT THE CAKE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OHH! LET'S SEE
WHAT WE GOT HERE.
UM...LET ME GUESS.
SPIDERMAN, RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT, HMM?
DO...YOU...SPEAK?
DOES...HE...SPEAK?
YES, MA'AM.
WELL, THEN WHAT DO YOU SAY,
WEB-SLINGING MAN?
I FORGOT.
WHO DOES SPIDER-MAN
FIGHT, HUH?
TRICK OR TREAT.
OK, ALL RIGHT,
HERE YOU GO.
COME ON, CATCH.
GOOD EVENING.
TOODLE-OO.
Diane: THANK YOU
SO MUCH, MOLLY,
FOR HELPING ME
GET THIS THING
TOGETHER.
WHERE'S BUSBY?
SHH! HE'S IN
THE BEDROOM NAPPING.
IT HAS BEEN SO NICE
TO HAVE MY LITTLE NEPHEW
AROUND THIS WEEK.
I MEAN, HE'S ONLY 7,
BUT HE'S MY LITTLE MAN.
HMM, YEAH.
I HATE KIDS.
EVER SINCE
TRAVIS AND I SPLIT,
I'VE BEEN A LITTLE BIT
SCATTERED, YOU KNOW?
GOOD, BUT SCATTERED.
WELL, YOU'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER SINCE
YOU WERE TEENS.
SO SATURDAY HE STARTED
STAYING AT FELIX'S HOUSE.
OH, IT'S
JUST BEEN A WEEK?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
IT'S OVER.
I'LL GET IT!
[ROARING]
Miles: OOH, SORRY.
DON'T KNOW YOU.
HA HA HA.
HEY, IT'S ME. MILES.
WHOO, SURPRISE!
HI, MILES.
MILES,
THIS IS MOLLY.
MOLLY, MILES.
NICE SUIT.
LOOKS EXPENSIVE.
[ROARS]
OOH, CANDY CORN!
FIRST ONE
TO ARRIVE?
OW! SHIT!
MILES, WHOA!
MILES, WATCH IT.
DAMN, THIS
IS ANNOYING.
AH...UHH!
DID YOU BRING
A DATE, MILES?
WHEW. [CHUCKLES]
NOPE,
BUT I'M LOOKING
TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.
HI.
HI.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
LOUISE HARVEY.
[IMITATES JIMMY STEWART]
HARVEY?
IT'S NOT REALLY
HARVEY, IS IT?
THAT--THAT'S
THE SAME NAME
AS MY RABBIT.
YOU KNOW--
DO--DO--DO YOU KNOW
MY RABBIT?
IT--IT'S KIND OF TALL,
BUT HIS NAME--
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
BUT--TALKING
ABOUT HARVEY.
HE'S--HE'S
QUITE A TALL RABBIT,
BUT NOT REALLY A RABBIT.
HE'S A POOKA.
I DON'T LIKE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OH, YOU DON'T?
WELL, UH--UH--UH--
IT'S A PICTURE,
YOU KNOW, ABOUT--
WHY ARE YOU
STILL DOING IT?
WELL, I--
I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M DOING IT.
HEY, PHILLY
CHEESE STEAK!
DIANE.
MMM!
YOU LOOK NICE.
I'M A WHORE.
[CHUCKLES]
ARE YOU HITLER?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I JUST PUT
ON A MUSTACHE.
[SIGHS]
HEIL!
Darien: HOWDY.
HOWDY.
MMM.
TRAVIS' EX
IS GONNA GET
FUCKED TONIGHT.
TAKING THAT COSTUME
SERIOUSLY, HUH?
WHO SHOULD IT BE?
HMM. PHILIP?
NAH.
TOO STIFF.
PROBABLY DOESN'T
LIKE SEX.
Miles: OH, MY GOD,
IT'S AMAZING.
Molly: MILES.
ARE YOU JOKING?
YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA GET FUCKED.
I DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE GONNA
BE CHOOSY.
WHAT ABOUT DARIEN?
Molly: YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK
ANYBODY PRETTIER THAN YOU.
BESIDES, I THINK HE'S
HAVING A REALLY GOOD TIME
WITH RAE DAWN CHONG.
[ROARS]
JEEZ, THAT WAS HARD.
HEY THERE,
FLETCHER.
OH, GOD.
[LAUGHS]
Diane: THAT'S
VERY BECOMING ON YOU.
I'M LEAVING.
NO. STAY.
YOU THINK?
YEAH. STAY.
WHAT ARE YOU?
WHAT?
I MEAN,
YOUR COSTUME.
OH. [LAUGHS]
I TOTALLY FORGOT
I HAD IT ON.
I'M THE NEW YORK
SUBWAY SYSTEM.
OH. BEFORE OR AFTER
THE LAST FARE INCREASE?
I DON'T THINK
THAT IT WOULD
MATTER.
WELL, YOU'RE AN EXPRESS,
THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
HEY, BOSS.
TRIED THESE PEANUTS?
NO. HEY, LISTEN,
DID YOU MAKE
THOSE CALLS?
NAH, I DIDN'T
HAVE TIME.
FUCK! OH, JEEZ!
[SIGHS]
THAT'S COOL.
THAT'S COOL.
HEY,
NICE COSTUME.
DIDN'T--
DIDN'T WE AGREE
THAT I WAS GONNA GO
AS THE LIZARD?
YEAH, WE DID,
BUT I COULDN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING TO BE.
SO AT THE LAST
MINUTE, I RAN OUT
AND BOUGHT
THIS BABY.
YEAH, YEAH,
BUT DIDN'T WE SAY
THAT I WAS GONNA GO
AS THE LIZARD?
YEAH, WE DID.
DRINK THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
JUST DRINK IT.
I DON'T WANT--
DRINK IT
OR DIANE SAID
SHE'S GONNA HIT YOU.
OHH! DIANE!
Diane: WHAT?
THIS KID VOMITED.
OH, BUSBY. OHH!
HE REEKS OF LIQUOR.
ALL RIGHT, GET LOST.
YOU STINK.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
[BUZZING]
HELLO? WHO IS IT?
Carlos:
IT'S TRAVIS BLINKOFF.
Travis: TRAVIS!
Carlos: WAIT!
Philip: WHAT ARE
YOU DRESSED AS?
SEND HIM UP, I GUESS.
WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE
IF I REALLY LIKE
WHAT YOU ARE.
OH, NO, IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK.
I--I--I JUST PUT ON
THIS MUSTACHE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IF YOU'RE STARTING
WITH THIS IN A.D.D.,
WHY WOULD YOU
WANT TO CHANGE IT
TO ANYTHING ELSE?
ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.
LET ME--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST WANT
TO SHOW YOU, OK?
NOW, IF THIS IS
THE DIRECT BOX,
RIGHT?
IT HAS A MALE
R.C.A. THERE.
Miles: YOU CAN'T USE
CANON TO CANON...
I'M STANDING THERE,
BEING ANNOUNCED,
AND THIS GHOST
WALKS RIGHT UP!
WELL, YOU DO NOT
LIVE HERE, TRAVIS,
AND THE GUESTS
MUST BE BUZZED UP.
[SCOFFS]
YEAH, RIGHT.
Travis:
WAS ANYBODY HERE
BUZZED UP?
I THINK I WAS.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
I'M A BUM, DIANE.
I'M SUPPOSED
TO LOOK TERRIBLE.
DIDN'T WANT
TO DRESS UP, HUH?
EAT SHIT, TRAVIS.
YOU KNOW,
I THINK I HAVE
2 LEFT-HANDED PAWS.
DO YOU HAVE
ONE OF MY PAWS?
YOU KNOW, MINE
HAVE FELT WEIRD
SINCE I WENT
TO THE BATHROOM.
IS IT POSSIBLE?
LET ME SEE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
I DON'T--I CAN'T
GET MY RIGHT HAND
INTO THE PAW.
GIVE ME
YOUR LEFT HAND.
OK.
I BOUGHT THIS.
NO LAWYER IN THE WORLD
WOULD LET YOU HAVE IT.
[ASHTRAY BREAKS]
DIANE!
Diane: WHAT?
UH, YOU GOT
A DUST BUSTER?
YOU KNOW
I DON'T HAVE
A DUST BUSTER.
HOW DO I KNOW
WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEK?
WELL, I DIDN'T
GO OUT AND BUY
A DUST BUSTER.
JESUS.
SORRY, BABE.
DIANE.
DO YOU KNOW THE CARS?
FOR MY BAR.
NO, I'VE NEVER MET
RIC OCASEK.
Diane: DON'T YOU WALK AROUND
THIS PLACE LIKE YOU OWN IT.
DO YOU MIND IF I GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
WELL, IF YOU
DON'T DRIBBLE
ON THE TOWEL.
I WON'T PUT UP
WITH THAT SHIT
ANY MORE.
LOVERS' SPAT.
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW
YOU LOOK LIKE HITLER?
YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE
I GOT THE PROMOTION
AND MILES DIDN'T,
IT'S THESE LITTLE
ACTING-OUT THINGS
THAT REALLY STICK
IN MY CRAW.
DO YOU MIND
IF I ASK YOU
A QUESTION
ABOUT ONE OF
OUR NATIONAL TREASURES,
MARLON BRANDO?
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU RECALL,
BUT ONE OF BRANDO'S
EARLIER MOVIES
PLACED MARLON ON A SHIP,
A SHIP OF WAR.
MARLON, THE CAPTAIN
OF THE SHIP,
USING ALL
OF HIS ACTING SKILLS--
AND I UNDERSTAND
THAT HE LIKED
TO PUT NOTES
AROUND THE SET
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
LIKE TO MEMORIZE LINES.
ANYWAY, IT WAS
A STORMY NIGHT,
MARLON TURNS
TO HIS FIRST MATE.
"FIRST MATE!
GET YE TO THE DECK
AND GRAB THE WHEEL!"
IT JUST GAVE ME
SHIVERS ALL OVER.
THE ONLY TIME
I FELT THAT WAY
WAS WHEN I SAW ANNIE.
DO YOU KNOW ANNIE?
IT'S STILL PLAYING,
I UNDERSTAND.
SILLY.
YOU LOOK VERY SILLY.
I WAS GONNA SAY
I LOOK LESS LIKE--
AN IDIOT.
"GET YE TO THE DECK
AND GRAB THE WHEEL!"
"AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN."
WHICH, UH,
IS A DRAMA TECHNIQUE
THAT TOLD ME
THAT HE WAS THE CAPTAIN.
SO RIGHT THERE
WE KNEW THE RELATIONSHIP.
FIRST MATE AND CAPTAIN.
I FOUND IT BRILLIANT.
YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT
THE KIDS ALONG.
THEY'D HAVE SO MUCH FUN
PLAYING WITH BUSBY.
"BUSBY, YOU'RE PULLING
ON JOBEEN. DINNER."
"OH, OH, HUNGRY!"
IT MAKES ME
FEEL SO OLD.
YOU DON'T LOOK OLD,
DARIEN. YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL.
HEY, HANDSOME.
THAT'S--IT'S
JUST THE COSTUME.
OOH! LOOK AT
WHAT WE GOT HERE.
[LAUGHS]
HEY! HEY! JEEZ!
CUT IT OUT, DIANE.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
DIANE!
IT'S SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
Travis:
HEY! HEY, BUDDY.
YOU, UH,
LOOKIN' FOR ME?
SURE. WHY NOT?
YEAH.
HEY, I APOLOGIZE.
I HAVEN'T BEEN
VERY SOCIAL TONIGHT,
BUT I'M KIND
OF HIDING OUT.
I THINK IT'S GOOD
YOU'RE HIDING OUT.
PEOPLE ARE
PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE
HAVING YOU HERE.
YEAH. WELL,
SCREW 'EM, RIGHT?
RIGHT? WE CAN STAY HERE.
IT'S LIKE THAT OTHER PARTY'S
NOT EVEN GOING ON OUT THERE.
OH, NO, NO.
IT'S GOING ON.
TRAVIS,
DON'T KID YOURSELF.
PEOPLE ARE
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU'RE IN A CLOSET.
WELL, IT'S
OUR TOUGH LUCK, HUH?
HEY, GO GRAB A CHAIR.
AND DO WHAT WITH IT?
SADDLE UP
TO THE BAR.
WHAT, ARE WE GONNA DRINK
IN SHIFTS IN HERE?
YEAH, RIGHT.
SO, UH,
RAE DAWN CHONG, HUH?
HMM?
YOU BROUGHT
RAE DAWN CHONG
TO THE PARTY.
OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE
I'M IN THE SAME BUSINESS
WITH MARLON BRANDO--
I THINK THAT YOU
MAY HAVE BEEN SPEAKING
TO THE OTHER LIZARD.
THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE,
YOU BROUGHT
ALLY SHEEDY.
YEAH.
2 PARTIES,
2 CELEBRITIES.
WELL, ACTUALLY, RAE'S
AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND.
CLARK GABLE WAS
AN OLD FRIEND
OF MY FAMILY.
Travis:
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.
THE HE-MAN
WOMEN HATERS CLUB
CAN OFFICIALLY
COME TO ORDER.
[KNOCKS ON BAR]
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
UH...WHAT DO YOU GOT?
HOME BREW OR, UH...
[BOTTLES CLANKING]
Travis: MALIBU.
MALIBU?
JESUS.
UH...
THE HOME BREW,
I GUESS.
ALL RIGHT, MY MAN,
AND MALIBU FOR ME.
OK. UH...
GODDAMN IT.
DIANE TURNED
THIS THING BACK
INTO A LINEN CLOSET.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
HEY, CHECK OUT
THE WALL OF FAME HERE.
ALLY SHEEDY.
WHEN THE HELL
WAS SHE HERE?
OHH! MILES!
I'M CALLING YOU--
I'M CALLING YOU
ON IT.
JUST SAY
WHAT YOU'RE TRYING
TO SAY TO ME, PHIL.
YOU'RE
A STAR FUCKER.
OR
A STAR PERSON.
I GUESS I AM.
YOU'RE
A STAR FUCKER?
WELL, I GUESS SO.
I MEAN, I CERTAINLY KNOW
A LOT OF WELL-KNOWN PEOPLE.
YOU EVER FUCK
ANY OF THESE--
DID YOU NOTICE
THAT DIANE'S
ACTING A LITTLE
STRANGELY TONIGHT?
WELL, SHE AND TRAVIS
SPLIT UP.
WHAT?
SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU?
NO. OH, NO.
Darien: SHIT.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
OH! EXCUSE ME!
CLOSE THE DOOR, MILES.
IT'S MILES. IT'S MILES.
WHAT'S MILES?
OUTSIDE. SHH!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
DON'T--
PLEASE DON'T!
Miles:
IS THIS A ROOM?
TRAVIS! JESUS!
OPEN THE DOOR!
SHH!
TRAVIS!
GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING, BLOW?
OHH!
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
Travis:
IT'S A BREWERY,
ASSHOLE!
Travis: A-HOLE.
LOOKS LIKE
A LINEN CLOSET.
NOW DOES IT LOOK
LIKE A LINEN CLOSET?!
NO, TRAVIS.
NOW IT LOOKS
LIKE A BAR.
Travis: FUCKIN'-A!
Felix:
I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.
OW!
WHAT? OW!
MILES!
Miles: I'M GONNA GAG HERE.
MILES!
ARE YOU IN
OR ARE YOU OUT?
I'M IN.
FINE, THEN WE HAVE
TO LOSE A CHAIR.
Travis: ALL RIGHT,
COMING OUT.
WATCH IT, MILES.
Travis: YOU
COMING BACK, BUDDY?
YES! I'M JUST PUTTING
THIS IN THE HALLWAY.
IS THAT A ROOM?
[CLEARS THROAT]
HEY...HOME BREW.
IS THAT THE SAME BATCH
AS LAST TIME?
YEAH, YOU WANT ONE?
UH, NO, ACTUALLY.
WAIT. I'M
GONNA GET SOMETHING
FROM THE OTHER PARTY.
Travis: FINE.
SAY HELLO
TO THE OTHER
LOSERS FOR ME.
♪ LONESOME, DRUNKEN ♪
♪ DRUNKEN ON WHISKEY ♪
♪ WHISKEY AND SADDLE BAGS
MADE OF TEQUILA ♪
♪ ON THE PRAIRIE ♪
SINGING?
NO.
Miles: AH.
MILES!
HEY, MY HOME BREW.
WOULDN'T THAT BE NEAT
IF I STARTED
CALLING YOU "HOME BREW"?
NO.
YOU SHOULD GET
A VIDEO GAME IN HERE.
VIDEO GAMES?
THIS IS A BAR.
WE'RE HERE TO DRINK.
I KNOW, BUT ALL BARS
GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING.
PINBALL, FOOSBALL,
POOL TABLE.
OH, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HEY, CHECK OUT
THE WALL OF FAME.
[IMITATES JOHN WAYNE]
HEY, PILGRIM.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHERE A GUY
COULD TAKE A LEAK?
GET UP!
GET UP,
YOU SCUM-SUCKING PIG.
I CAN'T READ.
AND THE BATHROOM
IS DOWN THE HALL
ON YOUR RIGHT.
WELL,
I'M AWFULLY GLAD
YA TOLD ME, PILGRIM.
[IMITATES MARLON BRANDO]
HE LOOKED AT ME
LIKE I WAS A BUG.
YOU'RE
MY LITTLE FRIEND.
WHAT?
I KNOW.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
[ROARS]
YOU WANTED GAMES?
I GOT THE CLASSIC
BAR GAME.
THE GAME OF KINGS.
GOLF?
NO, NOT GOLF.
UH, THINK--
THINK BAR SPORT.
UH, UH, THINK
CLASSIC BAR SPORT.
NOT GOLF?
NO. THINK GAME!
THINK--
THINK KINGS.
WELL, I ALREADY
SAID FOOSBALL,
AND YOU LOOKED AT ME
LIKE I WAS INSANE.
THINK PUB.
UH....
ALL RIGHT, UH...
[BRITISH ACCENT]
ANOTHER BLOODY PINT
AND A GAME OF...
OK!
YEAH, WHAT?
GOLF?
STEP BACK, MILES.
DARTS!
YEAH, 3 THROWS
FOR A DOLLAR.
ALL RIGHT, I'M IN.
MY WALLET.
I'D HAVE TO TAKE
THIS ENTIRE THING OFF.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
JUST GIVE ME
A DRIVER'S LICENSE
FOR A DEPOSIT
ON THE DARTS.
OK.
I'D HAVE TO TAKE OFF
THIS ENTIRE THING.
JUST TAKE
THE DARTS, MILES.
THANKS, HOME BREW.
MILES, CUT IT OUT.
Miles: NICE TOSS.
Travis: THANKS.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH YOU AND DIANE?
MY LIFE'S OVER.
WELL, YOU CAME BACK.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
MM-HMM.
NEXT STOP, PHILIP.
PLEASE DON'T START
WITH THAT AGAIN.
SORRY.
I FEEL LIKE
I'M 18 AGAIN.
WEREN'T YOU
AND TRAVIS DATING
WHEN YOU WERE 18?
I THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN, MILES.
I DO,
HOME BREW.
WHAT DID YOU
JUST CALL ME?
HOME BREW.
WELL, DON'T CALL ME
THAT AGAIN, MILES.
OHH!
WAAA!
OH--
OW! OW! OW!
LIZARD. LIZARD. LIZARD.
YOU ICKY-ICKY LIZARD.
ROARING LIZARD!
[ROARS]
OHH!
WHAT BIG EYES
YOU HAVE!
WHAT BIG TEETH
YOU HAVE!
[ROARS]
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
YES, I'M HUNGRY!
[LAUGHS]
WHAT THE--
OW! OW!
GODDAMN IT, LADY!
STOP IT!
STOP IT!
OW!
DID YOU VOTE?
I DID.
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?!
GODDAMN IT!
Diane: DARIEN!
I VOTE GREEN
OCCASIONALLY.
DARIEN,
I WAS CALLING YOU!
GET UP! OOH!
♪ SPANKY, SPANKY, SPANKY ♪
♪ PINCHY, PINCHY,
PINCHY, KICK ♪
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DO YOU MIND?
[SOBBING]
OK, OK.
UPPY, UPPY.
DIANE!
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I THINK I'M GONNA
GO GET A TOWEL.
Darien:
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
Diane: STAY HERE.
I NEED YOU.
DIANE!
JEEZ, YOU'RE
FULL OF BEER TONIGHT.
IF I WAS
ON THE SCHOOLYARD
AND I
PUSHED YOU DOWN,
IT WOULD MEAN
I LIKE YOU, DARIEN.
YEAH, WELL, HERE,
OFF THE SCHOOLYARD,
IT JUST MEANS
YOU'RE DRUNK.
WE SLIDE!
OH, GOD,
TAKE ME INTO--
Diane:
COME ON! GIDDYAP!
GIDDYAP!
PUNCHY! PUNCHY!
KICK ME! KICK ME!
AAH!
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'VE--OH, JESUS.
WOW. NICE OUTFIT.
OH, THANK YOU.
GREAT, REALLY.
THANKS. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I WAS
GONNA DRESS UP.
I WAS GONNA GO
AS PHILIP'S KID.
YOU KNOW,
PHILIP'S DEAD KID?
OH, POOR LITTLE
SENEGAL SAM.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
SHH...
OH, DEAR,
DEAR DARIEN.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
TO DRESS UP.
GIVE ME THE PILLOW
OVER THERE, MOLLY.
I WANT TO DISTEND
THE BELLY.
WHAT'S--WHAT'S
THE KID'S NAME?
IT'S LAGUNA?
IT'S ABUNA.
ABUNA.
NOT THAT IT
MATTERS TO YOU.
YOU ARE
A HANDSOME MAN.
STAY RIGHT THERE.
[GIGGLES]
Diane: OW! FUCK.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
Diane: STAY THERE.
POOR LITTLE JOBEEN.
SO HUNGRY.
BUT MY PAYMENTS
HAVEN'T COME
THROUGH.
DID MY NICKEL COME
FROM PAPA PHILIP?
NO? THEN I WILL WAIT
LIKE I DID
LAST MONTH
AND THE MONTH
BEFORE THAT.
IT'S ONLY A NICKEL.
ONE NICKEL.
PLEASE!
PAPA, PLEASE!
[THE FEMININE COMPLEX SING
LOVE LOVE LOVE]
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
IS--IS THIS
WHAT YOU WANTED
TO SHOW ME?
OK, I THINK
I SHOULD GO.
NO, NO!
OK, OK, OK.
JEEZ,
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE
OF ADVENTURE?
OUTSIDE.
VERY FUNNY.
LOOK, YOU AND I
ARE FRIENDS.
DIANE, I--
AH, PHILIP,
THE THIRD WORLD
WEEPS TONIGHT.
ARE YOU ALWAYS
THIS FUNNY?
WELL, I LIKE
TO IMAGINE I AM.
THAT...IS ME.
THAT'S VERY CUTE.
ISN'T IT?
VERY CUTE.
I THINK THAT'S
THE BEST ME, DARIEN.
Darien: MM-HMM.
AND THAT...
IS MY FATHER.
HE'S HANDSOME, HUH?
VERY. VERY.
THAT'S MY MOM.
THANK GOD I DIDN'T
INHERIT THOSE HIPS.
SHE'S VERY PRETTY.
VERY PRETTY.
YOU'RE SWEET.
YOU'RE A SWEET,
SWEET MAN, DARIEN.
UH, WHO'S THIS?
OH! THAT?
TRAVIS' FATHER.
OOH, COCKSUCKER.
EXCUSE
WHAT I JUST SAID.
OH, AND
THERE'S TRAVIS.
THERE HE IS.
WILL BE TRAPPED
TOGETHER FOREVER.
OH!
WHOOPS! NOW YOU'VE
SEEN ME NAKED.
YES, I GUESS I HAVE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE A MORE
RECENT PICTURE
OF ME NAKED?
WELL, WHAT, UH...
WHAT? WHAT?
CHEESE!
WHERE'S RAE?
SHE, UH, LEFT
WITH FLETCHER.
BIG GOSSIP, HUH?
BUT I'M FLETCHER.
Woman:
THANKS SO MUCH!
OH, SHIT.
OH, SHIT IS RIGHT.
OK, THAT'S IT. THAT
FUCKING IDIOT'S FIRED.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU LATER, YOU TWO.
I'M SORRY
I YELLED AT YOU.
OH, YOU DIDN'T YELL.
WELL, I'M SORRY
I GOT SO MAD.
YOU DID NOT GET MAD.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THAT HAT OFF?
LET'S KISS.
I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR THIS
ALL NIGHT LONG.
OH! [LAUGHS]
YOU'RE
THE WRONG LIZARD.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
WAIT, WAIT, YOU'RE
THE WRONG LIZARD.
WHERE'S--
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
OK.
[HORROR MOVIE
PLAYS ON TV]
[CHAIN SAW STARTS]
[WOMAN ON TV SCREAMS]
[WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING]
OH, TRAVIS, DARLING,
LET'S NEVER
BREAK UP AGAIN EVER.
AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
TO FELIX,
IT JUST CONFIRMS
MY BELIEF
THAT THIS
IS A MEAN, UGLY,
CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD.
YEAH.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
[BUZZING]
[BUZZING]
[BUZZING]
HELLO?
Carlos:
THERE'S SOMEONE
TO SEE YOU.
CARLOS?
YES?
CARLOS,
IS THAT YOU?
YES.
GREAT.
THERE'S SOMEONE
TO SEE YOU.
HEY, CARLOS,
THANK YOU.
THIS IS
THE FIRST TIME
THAT YOU'VE--
Felix: TRAVIS?
HELLO?
TRAVIS, IT'S FELIX.
Diane: WHO
WAS THAT, HONEY?
THE CATERERS?
IT'S FELIX.
WHAT?!
I KNOW!
I'M AS SURPRISED
AS ANYBODY.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
HE WAS.
A LOT OF HOSPITALS.
WELL, IS HE
WALKING, TRAVIS?
HE'S ON HIS WAY UP.
HE MUST BE WALKING.
WELL, AFTER
WHAT YOU TOLD ME,
I DIDN'T EXPECT
EVER TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
I KNOW,
NEITHER DID I,
BUT I NEVER GOT
THE FULL STORY.
I MEAN, ALL I KNOW IS--
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
TRAVIS!
GET BACK!
GET BACK!
MAY I COME IN?
OF COURSE, BUDDY.
YOU DON'T NEED
NO INVITATION FROM ME.
THIS IS
FOR YOU AND DIANE.
HEY,
LOOKS EXPENSIVE.
OK. UH,
LET'S DO IT.
COME ON IN.
SORRY, BUDDY.
AM I
THE FIRST ONE HERE?
UH, YEAH.
I DON'T THINK
MOST PEOPLE
ARE COMING
UNTIL
AROUND 8:00.
WHAT TIME
IS IT NOW?
UH, 6, 7 AFTER 3:00,
BUDDY.
OHH.
HEY, NO WORRIES!
NO WORRIES!
COME ON IN.
LET'S, UH...
LET'S WATCH
SOME OF THAT TUBE.
LET'S WATCH
SOME PRESHOW
ROSE BOWL STUFF.
OK.
[REFEREE
BLOWS WHISTLE ON TV]
TOFFEE?
[CHEERLEADERS
PERFORMING ON TV]
UH...
YOU WANT TO, UH...
I GOTTA GET SOMETHING.
GOTTA...GO...DIANE.
YOU GO DIANE.
THANKS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
BUDDY.
OH, SHIT.
WHAT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S HIM!
IT'S HIM!
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S HIM.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
NOT MUCH.
I PUT HIM
IN FRONT OF THE TV,
BUT I DON'T THINK
HE'S REALLY WATCHING.
WHY IS HE HERE
SO EARLY, TRAVIS?
BECAUSE WE'RE
HAVING A PARTY, DIANE.
WE'RE HAVING
A PARTY IN 5 HOURS.
DIANE,
HE'S MY FRIEND, OK?
I DON'T TELL YOU
WHO TO BE FRIENDS WITH.
OK. OK, TRAVIS.
YOU GO OUT THERE
AND WATCH TV
WITH YOUR FRIEND.
I'M NOT
GOING OUT THERE.
Referee on TV:
ON THE OFFENSE,
5-YARD PENALTY,
REPEAT FIRST DOWN.
HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
LET'S, UH...
HONEY...
COME ON.
WE GOT TIME.
HE'S WHACKED OUT.
Woman: MAKE YOURSELF
AT HOME.
Man: YOU GONNA MATCH ME
BEER FOR BEER?
I'M FROM DOWN THE HALL.
NEIGHBOR.
I'M FELIX.
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
Sandy:
THE WALLS ARE STILL BLUE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
WE COULD ALWAYS
GO TO JAKE'S LATER
IF IT GETS DULL.
YEAH. YEAH.
GRAB ME A DRINK, OK?
SURE.
OK, BABY.
Philip: SANDY.
PHILIP.
HELLO.
HMM.
SORRY I HAVEN'T RETURNED
ANY OF YOUR CALLS.
I'VE JUST
BEEN REALLY BUSY
WITH MY PAINTING
AND STUFF.
WHO'S, UH,
THE DREAM DATE?
OH, DR. BJORNMAN.
OH.
HE DOESN'T LIKE
WHEN I SAY "DOCTOR."
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT...
M.D., IT'S Ph.D.
I FORGOT
THE PUSSY WILLOWS.
WHAT?
I--I HAD A WHOLE BUNCH
OF PUSSY WILLOWS
I WAS GONNA BRING.
AS A GIFT?
REALLY?
YEAH.
HEY!
HEY!
HOME BREW!
LOOKIN' GOOD.
DARIEN WAS
JUST TELLING ME
THAT HE'S GAY.
AT LEAST
LET ME TELL HIM.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I'M SERIOUS.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
HEY, IT'S NEW YEAR'S,
NOT APRIL FOOL'S, GUYS.
MAYBE THIS
WAS A BAD IDEA.
GEE, WHAT'S
YOUR NAME AGAIN?
MOLLY JEAN.
JEAN? HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
♪ I DREAM ♪
♪ OF JEANNIE ♪
♪ WITH THE LIGHT
BROWN HAIR ♪
I DON'T THINK DEAN MARTIN
EVER DID STEPHEN FOSTER.
[IMITATES JERRY LEWIS]
OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
SHE GOT THE DEAN MARTIN
AND THE STEPHEN FOSTER--
THE WHOLE THING
BOTH TOGETHER.
I CAN'T--THIS IS--
UH, OH!
YOU KNOW
HOW DICK CLARK
DROPS A BALL
ON TIMES SQUARE
EVERY--EVERY
YEAR?
NO.
OH, YEAH, YOU DO.
NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE!
THE CROWDS
IN TIMES SQUARE.
THE--AT MIDNIGHT
WE GO INTO A NEW YEAR.
BANDS PLAYING--
OH, YEAH!
RIGHT! ON THE TV.
YEAH, I KNOW THAT.
I'VE BEEN THERE.
OK, WELL, THIS YEAR,
I'M DROPPIN' A BALL,
TOO.
THIS YEAR,
TIMES SQUARES
COMES TO BROOKLYN.
WANNA HELP?
NO, BUT I'LL WATCH
WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
ALL RIGHT.
VIEWER'S CHOICE.
[SIGHS]
MILES...
IS DARIEN
REALLY GAY?
GAY AS
A HEART ATTACK.
HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
BEFORE I START
AVOIDING YOU,
I THOUGHT
WE OUGHT TO SPEAK.
SURE.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S
SOME UNFINISHED
BUSINESS HERE
BETWEEN THE 2 OF US.
DIANE, REALLY--
LOOK, I'M FINE
WITH--WITH EVERYTHING.
HMM.
WELL,
HOW AMNESIAC OF YOU.
DO I KNOW YOU?
NOT YET.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
WELL, I'M SORRY, DARIEN,
BUT I CAN'T JUST PRETEND
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
LOOK...
THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE HERE,
WE DID AND SAID
SOME THINGS THAT WE--
WELL, THAT MAYBE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID.
I MEAN, YOU'VE MADE IT
NO SECRET OVER THE YEARS
ABOUT THE WAY
YOU FEEL ABOUT ME.
BUT I MUST ADMIT
IT WAS A BIT
OPPORTUNISTIC OF YOU
TO MAKE
THOSE FEELINGS CLEAR
SO CLOSE TO MY BREAK-UP.
I THINK YOU'RE
REMEMBERING IT--
AND UNSUSPECTING TRAVIS
LOOKS LIKE A CLOWN PRINCE
TO EVERYONE
AS HE FUELS YOU
WITH DRINKS,
UNKNOWINGLY ENHANCING
YOUR ALREADY BLATANTLY
PUBLIC OVERTURES.
MY OVERTURES?
LIKE I SAID, DARIEN,
MAYBE IT WAS GOOD
TO FINALLY GET IT ALL OUT.
IT IS. IT'S GOOD
TO FINALLY GET IT ALL OUT.
IT'S GOOD
TO GET IT ALL OUT
SO THAT I CAN
FINALLY TELL YOU...
THAT I AM SO FLATTERED,
BUT I'M MARRIED.
AND I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO THINK OF YOU
AS ANYTHING
BUT THE GREAT FRIEND
THAT YOU ARE TO ME.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I UNDERSTAND.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU ARE GOING TO BE
A REAL LADY-KILLER
SOMEDAY.
OH, YES.
COME HERE. COME.
NOW, I WANT YOU
TO GO OUT THERE
AND GET 'EM, TIGER!
OK?
OK.
DIANE, NOT--NOT THAT
IT REALLY MATTERS MUCH,
BUT, UH...
[SOBBING]
I'M SO SORRY.
NO!
I'M FLATTERED.
I'M FLATTERED.
I'M SUCH A STUPID,
STUPID, STUPID WOMAN!
DIANE,
REALLY, IT'S--
IT'S OK. REALLY.
[HOARSELY]
CAN I HAVE A SIP?
THANKS.
MOLLY, YOU
REMEMBER MILES.
DIANE, YOU'VE
INTRODUCED US,
LIKE, A THOUSAND TIMES.
WELL,
NOT A THOUSAND--
MILES WORKS
AT A RECORD--
AND I ALWAYS
GET THIS WRONG--
A RECORD COMPANY.
STORE.
NO, I USUALLY SAY
STORE. COMPANY.
STORE.
I SELL 'EM, DIANE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
COULD HAVE SWORN
IT WAS COMPANY.
NO. I USED TO WORK
AT A RECORD COMPANY.
NOW I WORK
AT A RECORD STORE.
I--I WAS FIRED.
AHH.
PHILIP! PHILIP!
THE SCUTTLEBUTT IS,
NO PUN INTENDED,
YOU KNOW THE PUN
I'M TALKING ABOUT
WHEN I DROP
THIS BOMBSHELL ON YOU.
YES, TRAVIS,
IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT
FOR ME
TO DECIPHER ANY PUN
YOU MAY HAVE INTENDED
WHEN I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE HELL
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
RIGHT. RIGHT. OK.
IS, UM--
OK. ALL RIGHT.
OUR MAN DARIEN
"THE FACE" OFFENBURGER
IS NOT EXACTLY
NOT GAY.
WHAT?
RIGHT. RIGHT.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
OK, UH, MILES JUST
ANNOUNCED SEMI-SECRETLY
TO A HANDFUL OF US
THAT, UH, DARIEN--
IF A YOUNG LADY WERE
TO MAKE HER INTENTIONS KNOWN,
DARIEN MIGHT NOT BE RECEPTIVE
TO HER ADVANCES,
OR FOR THAT MATTER,
ANY OF THE HER'S ADVANCES
FOR THAT MATTER.
WHAT?
I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNOW. FOR REAL.
LET ME SPELL IT OUT
FOR YOU.
DARIEN IS
N-O-T-H-E-T-E-R-O.
NOTHERO?
NO. NOT--
N-O-T-H--
DARIEN'S GAY!
YEAH. OF COURSE.
WHAT?
I'VE KNOWN HE WAS GAY
EVER SINCE I MET HIM.
I DON'T TELL
A LOT OF PEOPLE
THIS, BUT...
I WAS IN LOVE
WITH A GAY MAN ONCE.
I MEAN, I KNEW IT
WOULDN'T WORK OUT,
BUT--AND
I WASN'T TRYING
TO CHANGE HIM.
I WOULDN'T TRY
TO CHANGE ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW,
WHO THEY ARE
IS THE BEST THEM.
YOU THOUGHT THAT
OUR MAN DARIEN WAS GAY?
I HAD AN IDEA.
NOW THAT HE SAID IT,
IT SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE.
WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU
THAT IDEA?
I DON'T KNOW.
THE WAY HE ACTS.
THE WAY HE DRESSES.
THE FEELING YOU GET
WHEN YOU'RE AROUND HIM.
I--I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT?!
THE WAY HE DRESSES?!
DARIEN DRESSES HIP.
WHAT--IS FLETCHER GAY?
FLETCHER'S STRAIGHT.
DARIEN'S GAY.
OH, MAN.
WHAT?
THAT'S REVERSE RACISM.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE STANDING HERE
TALKING ABOUT DARIEN
THAT WAY.
THAT'S REVERSE RACISM.
FIRST OF ALL,
IT'S NOT REVERSE RACISM
BECAUSE DARIEN'S GAY.
WELL, THEN
IT'S JUST RACISM.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH RACE.
OK, IT'S NOT RACISM.
YOU'RE A HOMOPHOBE.
WHY? BECAUSE I KNEW
DARIEN WAS GAY,
WHICH HE IS?
DARIEN HELPED YOU
MOVE IN, MAN.
A 4-STORY WALK-UP,
AND HE HELPED YOU MOVE IN.
YEAH.
AND ALL THAT TIME
YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE
WATCHING HIM BUST HIS ASS
TO HELP YOU, THINKING,
"DARIEN'S GAY."
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS.
I DIDN'T REALLY
THINK ABOUT IT.
[SCOFFS] OH, MAN.
I'VE ALWAYS HAD
AN AFFINITY
FOR GAYS.
THEY HAVE OLD SOULS,
YOU KNOW, THE GAYS?
I JUST SEEM
TO BE ATTRACTED TO
THE GAY OLD SOULS.
HMM.
WHAT? HE COULDN'T,
LIKE, CARRY UP
THE BOXES HIMSELF?
HE COULDN'T CARRY
HIS OWN WEAK,
GAY LITTLE WEIGHT?!
TRAVIS, I HARDLY
THINK STRENGTH
IS ANY INDICATION
OF WHETHER
SOMEONE'S GAY OR NOT.
WELL, APPARENTLY
YOU THINK SO.
WHAT? AM I GAY?
YES, TRAVIS.
YOU'RE GAY.
YOU KNOW
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHEN WE MOVED IN HERE,
WHO BROUGHT UP
THE BOX SPRING?
OH, WHY DOES THIS
ALWAYS COME BACK
TO MOVING?
WHO BROUGHT UP
THE BOX SPRING?!
Travis:
ARE WE ALL GAY?!
NO.
I'M NOT PLAYING
THE GAME.
YOU ROPED ME IN.
I'M NOT PLAYING
THE GAME.
[IMITATES W.C. FIELDS]
SOMEBODY PUT
PINEAPPLE JUICE
IN MY PINEAPPLE JUICE.
W.C. FIELDS.
HEY, MILES.
HOW YOU DOING?
JUST TRYING TO GET THIS
KARAOKE MACHINE WORKING.
YEAH, BUT
HOW ARE YOU?
MMM, NOT BAD.
JUST TRYING TO GET THIS
KARAOKE MACHINE WORKING.
BEEN A WHILE, HUH?
HEY, OUR SHIRTS ARE ALMOST
THE SAME COLOR TONIGHT.
WHAT?
WE LOOK ALIKE.
TCH TCH.
OH, THE LIZARD,
RIGHT?
YEAH. CRAZY NIGHT.
THEY GOT KIM CARNES.
I LIKE THE GAYS
IN GERMANY.
YOU KNOW?
WHERE THE COFFEE IS.
YES, THEY KNOW
HOW TO BE GAY.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A LITTLE PREMATURE
IN FIRING YOU.
AND I JUST
WANTED YOU TO KNOW,
THAT IF
YOU EVER WANTED
YOUR OLD JOB BACK,
THAT IT WAS THERE
WAITING FOR YOU.
[SLOWLY]
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I AM SAYING?
SURE. YOU'RE OFFERING ME
MY OLD JOB BACK.
RIGHT.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
FLETCH,
I'M REALLY HAPPY
WHERE I AM NOW.
THE RECORD STORE AND I
HAVE BEEN A GOOD MATCH.
I THINK I LIKE
BEING WITH THE MUSIC
AFTER IT'S DONE...
RATHER THAN IN THOSE EARLY,
SOMETIMES BORING STAGES.
FELIX, MY CAT,
YOU COOL?
HEY, BUDDY.
I'M HAVING
A GREAT TIME.
THANKS SO MUCH
FOR THE INVITES.
YOU'VE GOT SOME
GREAT, GREAT FRIENDS.
YEAH. YEAH.
UH...
ANYONE TELL YOU
ABOUT DARIEN?
WHAT?!
IS HE ALL RIGHT?!
YEAH. YEAH.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
OH. THANK GOD.
[SPARKING]
OH!
[SPARKING]
OH-H-H!
IT'S JUST, UM,
DARIEN, UM...
Miles: YO!
DARIEN'S FOUND OUT
THAT HE'S GAY.
OH, YEAH. SURE.
Miles: I'M OK!
I'M ALL RIGHT.
OH, I ALWAYS KNEW
DARIEN WAS GAY.
I CELEBRATE HIS COURAGE
TO LET HIS CHOICE BE KNOWN.
YOU THOUGHT
DARIEN WAS GAY?
OH, YEAH.
OK, MAN.
THIS IS A REALLY SPECIAL
NIGHT FOR YOU.
YEAH.
IT'S TOO BAD THE CATATONIC
STOLE YOUR THUNDER.
OK.
THE SUICIDE POSITIONS.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
SANDY LIKES THE SIDE.
HELLO, PHILIP.
HI.
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
LOST SOME WEIGHT
IN THE FACE.
HI, FRANK.
[IMITATES ALFRED HITCHCOCK]
HELLO. I MEANT
TO TELL YOU
I VERY MUCH
LIKE YOUR LIPSTICK.
IT'S VERY RED.
IT REMINDS ME
OF BLOOD.
HEY, PHILIP.
WHY DON'T YOU GET US
2 MORE DRINKS?
I'M--I'M NOT DONE
WITH MINE.
YOU GO ON AHEAD.
YOU--YOU WANT
ANOTHER DRINK,
YOU GO ON.
I'LL--I'LL WAIT.
ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE YOUR COAT OFF?
I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU WARM?
I'M FINE. WHY?
I'M SORTA HOT.
TAKE YOUR COAT OFF.
ARE YOU
TAKING YOURS OFF?
NOT NOW, NO.
OH, TRAVIS.
FLETCHER, LET'S HOPE
TONIGHT'S NOT A RETCHER.
HOPE NOT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
[DRILLING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
TRAVIS?
OH! A BALL--THE BALL.
I'M RIGGING THE BALL.
FOR NEW YEAR'S.
YEAH. I DIDN'T GET
A TREE THIS YEAR, SO...
JUST A MENORAH.
I GET THE BALL.
AND THE BALL...
WILL FALL
AT MIDNIGHT.
UH-OH. BETTER HURRY.
YOU GOT 2 HOURS.
YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT I HAVEN'T REALLY
TESTED THIS THING OUT.
THERE'S, UH, SOME MECHANICS--
ELECTRICITY INVOLVED.
YOU WANT SOME HELP?
YEAH, FLETCH.
WHAT DON'T YOU GRAB
THAT BUCKET OF WASHERS
AND HAUL UP
THE EXTENSION CORD?
OH, NO, NOT ME.
BUT I COULD GO IN
AND ASK SOMEBODY
FOR YOU.
OH, UH, NO.
LET THE CROWDS
HAVE THEIR FUN.
NEW YEAR'S
IS A TIME OF MYSTERY.
I'LL TAKE CARE
OF BUSINESS.
♪ FRANKIE AND JOHNNY
WERE SWEETHEARTS ♪
♪ OH, LORDY,
HOW THEY DID LOVE ♪
♪ SWORE TO BE TRUE
TO EACH OTHER ♪
♪ JUST AS TRUE
AS THE STARS ABOVE ♪
Both: ♪ HE WAS HER MAN ♪
♪ HE WOULDN'T
DO HER WRONG ♪
♪ FRANKIE WENT DOWN
TO THE CORNER ♪
♪ JUST FOR A BUCKET
OF BEER ♪
♪ JUST SAID,
"HEY, MR. BARTENDER ♪
♪ "HAS MY LOVELY JOHNNY
BEEN HERE? ♪
♪ HE'S MY MAN" ♪
YOU KNOW THAT GUY?
YEAH.
HE'S MY DATE, MILES.
I WAS YOUR DATE ONCE.
♪ FRANKIE LOOKED OVER
THE TRANSOM ♪
YOU DONE YET?
GETTING THERE.
WANT TO GET US
2 MORE DRINKS?
WHY DO I
HAVE TO DO IT?
NO REASON.
♪ MAKING LOVE
TO NELLIE BLY ♪
♪ HE'S MY MAN ♪
PHILIP,
CALL DARIEN OVER.
I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY
TO DARIEN RIGHT NOW.
JUST CALL HIS NAME.
WHY DO YOU
WANT DARIEN?
TO SEE
IF HE HAS A PEN.
I GOT A PEN.
YOU WANT A PEN?
JUST CALL HIM
OVER HERE.
I'LL GIVE YOU A PEN
IF YOU NEED A PEN.
CATCH HIS EYE
AND WAVE HIM OVER.
I--
GONNA GET
ANOTHER DRINK?
♪ BUT HE WAS
DOIN' HER WRONG ♪
WAS THERE A REASON
YOU WERE GONNA
GIVE FELIX A PEN?
WHAT?
WHAT--YOU GOT A PEN
THAT SQUIRTS INK
OR SOMETHING?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
LIKE I WAS
GONNA BRING YOU
OVER THERE,
YOU WERE GONNA
GIVE HIM A PEN,
AND HE WAS GONNA
SPRAY IT ALL OVER ME
OR SOMETHING.
♪ AND HE WAS
DOING ME WRONG ♪
THANKS, BUDDY.
SURE.
♪ THIS STORY
HAS NO MORAL ♪
♪ THIS STORY
HAS NO END ♪
OH. BEFORE
I FORGET...
WOULD YOU SEND THIS
TO JOAQUIN?
JUST SOME MONEY
I HAD LAYING AROUND
COLLECTING INTEREST.
MY GOD!
CAR ACCIDENT
I HAD AS A CHILD.
FELIX.
OH, I REGRET
IT'S NOT MORE.
$12,407. FELIX,
I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS.
PLEASE, I'D SEE IT
AS AN INSULT.
WE'RE TOLD
NOT TO SPOIL THEM.
IT'S POTENTIALLY DAMAGING
TO CHANGE THEIR LIVES
SO SUDDENLY,
SO EXTRAVAGANTLY.
$12,000 WOULD
MAKE HIM ROYALTY.
LITTLE KING JOAQUIN.
AND...
All: 10...9...
8...7...6...
5...4...
3...2...
ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WHOA.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY--HAPPY NEW YEAR.
[NOISEMAKERS BLOWING]
♪ IF YOU'RE WONDERING ♪
♪ WHAT I DID BEFORE ♪
♪ AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M BACK ♪
3, 2, 1--
IT'S OVER NOW.
♪ SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE ♪
GUESS
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
IT'S FUNNY,
I NEVER THOUGHT
OF MYSELF AS HANDSOME.
OH!
NO, IT'S TRUE.
I'M THINKING
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
LET THAT SANDY GO.
SHE'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE,
INTELLIGENT WOMAN.
[SIGHS] I KNOW.
♪ I NEED YOU ♪
THANKS, BUDDY.
THANKS A LOT, BUDDY.
I APPRECIATE IT.
THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
TRAVIS, HONEY,
YOU MISSED THE COUNTDOWN.
HEY, BABY.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
THAT WE WERE GONNA
SPEND THIS NEW YEAR'S
WITH ALL OF OUR FRIENDS.
LOOK, DIANE,
IT'S NOT NEW YEAR'S
UNTIL I
SAY IT IS, OK?
ALL RIGHT, TRAVIS.
THEN YOU TELL ME
WHEN IT'S NEW YEAR'S.
I'M A LITTLE
TICKLISH. NO.
NO, DON'T.
OH! I'M MAKING
A SPEECH.
EVERYBODY
LISTEN UP. SHH!
UM...
SHH!
WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY
HOW HAPPY BUSBY AND I ARE TO--
OH, MY GOD.
DID I JUST SAY BUSBY?
YEAH.
I'M A LITTLE BIT DRUNK.
UM, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
HOW HAPPY TRAVIS AND I
AND ALL OF US ARE
TO BE SPENDING NEW YEAR'S
WITH ALL OF YOU,
OUR CLOSEST AND
OUR BEST, BEST FRIENDS.
AND, UM, WE LOVE YOU.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH,
SO LET'S PROMISE TO HAVE
AN EVEN BETTER NEW YEAR'S
THIS NEW YEAR'S, HUH?
[NOISEMAKER BLOWS]
CHEERS!
WE LOVE YOU!
ALL RIGHT,
WHO WANTS TO SING?
I'M GONNA SING.
Diane: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Darien: HAPPY NEW YEAR.
COME ON. SOMEBODY.
ONE OF YOU.
IF YOU
WOULDN'T MIND?
Diane:
NO, NOT AT ALL.
AHEM.
BEAUTIFUL DREAMER
BY STEPHEN FOSTER.
[FALSETTO]
♪ BEAUTIFUL DREAMER ♪
♪ WAKE UNTO ME ♪
♪ STARLIGHT ♪
♪ AND DEWDROPS ♪
♪ ARE WAITING FOR THEE ♪
♪ SOUNDS OF THE RUDE WORLD ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ HEARD IN THE DAY ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ LULLED BY THE MOONLIGHT ♪
♪ HAVE ALL PASSED AWAY ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL DREAMER ♪
♪ QUEEN OF MY SONG ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL DREAMER ♪
♪ AWAKE UNTO ME ♪
[BARITONE] ♪ ME ♪
THANK YOU.
[GROANING]
[MUFFLED VOICES]
CHEERS TO YOU.
MY HUSBAND, EVERYONE!
[CHEERING]
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD IN THE BEST WAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ WE'RE SMILIN' ON THIS DAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S SMILING ON THIS DAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD
IN THE BEST WAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
BECAUSE IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ BECAUSE
IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ IT'S FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S OLD IN THE BEST WAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ HE'S SMILIN' ON THIS DAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ BECAUSE IT'S
FELIX'S BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
♪ EVERYBODY FELIX ♪
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT