High School Fantasies (1974) - full transcript
(upbeat music)
(crowd cheering)
(orchestral music)
(orchestral music continues)
(indistinct chatter)
(crowd cheering)
- Hey punk watch
where you're going.
- You hit me.
- Are you calling him a liar?
How'd you like me to light
that bow tie for you boy?
(laughs)
- Hello, Freddie!
- Hi Mr. Perwin
- Great game huh?
- I don't know Mr. Perwin,
Mary Lou stood me up at
the party, we were
just everywhere.
(moaning)
- You sure are fun Mary Lou.
(orchestral music)
(crowd cheering)
- We had a date at
the after game party.
- Well don't lose hope
Freddie old scout.
I mean she probably couldn't
find you in this crowd. Well a
handsome fella like you, she's
probably waiting for you at
the party.
- Wow you really think so?
- I would, I guess.
- I better get on the
stick hope she ain't POD!
Shoot, our first date
too! I better go.
(crowd cheering)
(gentle music)
- Hi.
- Hi you see Mary Lou?
Great game moose.
- That was nothing man,
you wanna see a good game?
You should see me and Buddy at
the homecoming game. Come on!
- Have fun here
again, nature boy.
- You seen Mary Lou?
(upbeat music)
♪ Well you not that insane.
♪ And the way you
got it going on
♪ Hold on to me my lady
♪ 'Cause you know
what's going on.
- I wanna dance let's go in.
- Ah come on let's
wait a second.
- Hey stud let's go
take care of Bird man.
- Look Dr. Bird benched me
for the last three weeks.
He can't get away with that
without paying for his ass.
- Right on.
- You were smoking in the john.
If you get in trouble again
you'll both will be benched for
the homecoming game.
Come on Buddy let's
go into the party.
- Don't listen to her.
- Moose let's go get that guy.
- You leave me and I'll keep
my date with Freddie Collier.
- Freddie the geek!
Oh man, let them laugh
you right out of school.
Yeah let the whole world
see you dancing with Freddie
the wimp. Bye bye Mary Lou
don't do nothing we wouldn't do.
- Hey I've been looking
all over. Come on
lets go inside the party.
- No I can't they'll see me,
I mean I really hate crowds.
Listen Freddie would you
like to take me for a ride?
- Yeah I guess I mean
sure a ride that's great.
- I thought we were going to...
- Forget it, I have
something else.
(radio chatter)
(upbeat music)
(indistinct chatter)
One of these windows
has got to be open...
- If Doc Bird catches us,
he'll bench us and next week is
the homecoming game man, all
the college girls will be here.
- Don't worry, just
stick with the champ.
- Damnit!
- "This next little number
I'd like to dedicate to Billy
to Carrie, Tim to
Louise, Jerry to Mera.
- Is this what you think of me?
Do you think that I'm so cheap
that I'd park in any old car
with another car parked
right next to us?
A real woman needs
a private place.
(indistinct chatter)
- Come on, come on.
- Jim to Louise, Jerry to
Marilyn, Gina to question mark?
- Door's locked.
- Now Bird's gonna get smart.
Get that stuff away
from me! Jesus Christ!
- Shut up I hear somebody.
- Can you quit doing that?
- I heard somebody.
- We're the only
ones around here.
- Hey!
- That's Lester
Willis and Lynn Dana.
- Let's stop here.
- Are you out of your mind?
And have that gossip Lynn
Dana drive by with Lester
the leper? Even if you don't,
I care about my good reputation.
Come on Freddie.
- I know a place baby you
want a place out of the way
I'll give you a
place out of the way.
(gentle music)
- Mary Lou your eyes
are so beautiful.
- You're so corny.
Freddie, Freddie cut it out.
- Oh you did it this
time our ass is mud.
- I'll think of something.
- No talking! All right
you neanderthal jocks you
have two choices.
You will take your licks
from me your kindhearted
English teacher or old Doc Bird?
- Does that mean that if
we're getting from you
does doc Bird find out?
- What dog bird doesn't know
won't hurt him and you can
both play in the
homecoming game.
- Okay come on you
go ahead and do it.
- Get it over with.
- Drop your pants.
- Drop our pants shorts and all?
- You heard me I didn't
stutter drop your drawers.
- I love you Mary Lou.
- I promised my mother.
- I just wanna hold you.
- Get your finger out of
there! What kind of a girl do
you think I am?
- Oh Mary Lou please.
- Animal, you're an
animal Freddie Collier!
- Don't move a
muscle, no talking.
You two naughty boys
have a bad attitude.
Don't move a muscle.
Now turn around.
You'll find that our attitudes
in life and in sports
mean an awful lot.
Boys.
- Yes ma'am.
- Rape is such a dirty
word and love is such
a beautiful thing.
- Yes ma'am.
- You two boys don't
want anybody to find
out or anybody to
know how two juvenile
delinquents tried to rape me.
- No ma'am.
- I have so much to teach you
it's better me than groping
around in the backseat
of somebody's car.
- Yes ma'am.
- You promised to
keep your eyes closed.
- They're closed!
They're closed!
- Be careful! I mean
Freddie you're too rough.
- I like you a lot Mary Lou.
- What's that, what's that?
- 1 don't know I
didn't hear anything.
- Tomorrow and tomorrow
and tomorrow creeps in this
petty pace from day to day.
On to the last syllable of
recorded time....
- Come on you jock let's
go for a touchdown.
- That's right, pushing back.
Way back!
- Touchdown touchdown
we on touchdown .
- And I feel good.
(indistinct chatter)
- So this girl keeps getting
the feeling that there's
somebody around outside the car.
Well they left finally.
Her boyfriend was
POD but later when
they got to her house he went
around opened her car door and
there was this bloody
steel hook hanging right on
her car door.
He'd been ripped right
off the killers arm.
- Hanging on the door?
- What's that?
- I didn't hear anything.
(crickets chirping)
- Shakespeare wrote five
comedies by this diagram you
can tell what they were.
Wet, Midsummer Night's Dream.
Dry, The Twelfth Night.
Three inches, Much
Ado About Nothing.
Six Inches, As You Like It.
Nine inches, Taming
of the Shrew.
- I'm taming the Shrew
I'm taming the Shrew.
- Tame tame.
- 1 will I will.
- She ain't tamed.
- It's pretty late.
- We better go.
(car engine roaring)
- Oh no.
- Now what do we do?
- Get out and see
if you can fix it.
- Okay.
- Ew what's that your
pants are wet your pants
are wet! Freddie!
(car honking)
(indistinct chatter)
- I've never been
so embarrassed in my
whole life Freddie Collier.
- Hey Mary Lou come
with us wanna ride?
- Mary Lou Mary Lou.
(car honks)
(folk music)
(crickets chirping)
(folk music)
-lcan'tdo it
anymore, I really can't.
- Certainly big jocks like you
ought to be able to hold up
under the pressure.
- Oh man we've been doing
all the work you've just
been laying there
having a good time.
- Well that's okay
for this lesson.
♪ Boo laa boo laa boo laa,
♪ That's the war
cry at Zuni High
♪ We will down them
we will crown them
♪ Till they all are
boo la boo ra ra!
(birds chirping)
(upbeat music)
- You guys chasing Candy?
- None of your beeswax
squirt! Hey pussy.
- You keep your
hands off my girl.
- Hey you want a
knuckle sandwich man?
- I never said anything
ignore him! You creep!
There's a cop, hey
help help help!
- I'm gonna remember this,
I'm gonna remember this.
- You better give your soul
up to God ‘cause your ass
belongs to us.
- Come on.
♪ Remember that
you'd gone away
♪ The hurt is such I
remember too much
♪ And I'm only...
- Right Moose?
- Right on man, keeping
happy keep it happy.
Right Freddie? So
much meat loaf!
- Been getting any
lately Freddie?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Don't you know man,
Freddie's a virgin.
- Real stick in the mud huh?
- But I'll meet the
right girl you'll see.
- Sure sure Romeo, meanwhile
you need a little help?
(laughs)
(gentle music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
(laughs)
- You know Wink Lewis?
- Yeah.
- He used to be a virgin right,
now he scores every time.
- Wink the wimp? How
does he do that?.
- He's got this stuff and he
just pours it into this girl's
drink Coke or something they
just go absolutely wild.
They just start stripping
you naked just to get at it.
- Oh God that's what I
need that's what I need.
One time Wink he gave it to
this girl to drive in and he
couldn't get his Peter up.
(laughs)
She ended up fucking
the gear shift.
- God I need that's
some healthy shit.
- You know weird Delores?
- What are you leaving?
- Yeah come on come on.
She's got some.
- Good we'll get some
for Freddie to keep.
- Oh now come on now don't
pick on him he's a little
bit sensitive yeah don't
get too close to him.
You never know he might like
guys better than he does girls.
- Freddie are you a homo?
- Come on, come on.
(indistinct chatter)
- This announcement supersedes
the preceding announcement.
Your lunch periods tomorrow
will be held from 11:40 to 11:52
instead of 11:45
to 11:57 as announced
previously in order that
the students may proceed
to the awards assembly.
It has come to my attention
that some of the students
have been caught smoking in
the boys lavatories yesterday.
And I want you all to keep your
eyes open on that don't any
of you pass the lavatories
without going in there
and check and check on the
smoke thing it's got to stop.
- Apologies are not
enough Freddie Collier.
- I just got my car back
from the tow truck company.
- Tonight I have to wash my
hair and Wednesday I study
for a test.
- What did you do?
- Darn I just dropped my
towel I'm naked to the world.
It's a good thing you're
not here ooh that itches.
I shouldn't be
talking to you anyway.
I'm mad at you.
This bed feels so soft
I can feel it all over.
So strange talking to a man
on the phone while lying here
just totally nude.
No I'm not going to catch cold.
Oh, goodbye.
(folk music)
- Well if it's that
important Freddie.
Oh I see right away?
Well I'll have some
hot chocolate waiting.
(suspenseful music)
- I see it everywhere! Sex
sex sex I see it everywhere.
- Speaking man to man
go get yourself laid.
Now this may sound blunt son
but take Mary Lou out and fuck
her till her eyes pop out.
I have too much respect.
I'm hurt Mr. Perwin.
I like her too much as a person.
- Not a person a woman
and I know women.
Son this may sound rough
but they're all looking for
the same thing treated
the same way rough!
- Mr. Perwin, Mary Lou?
You'll see I'm right you
just get into her pants.
Other people do it all the time.
- They do?
(moaning)
♪ You're my pain
♪ I will love you ever more
♪ You're my pain
♪ I will love you as before
its so hard for me to lie
♪ That I once loved you before
♪ You're my pain can I
walk you to your door
♪ You're my pain
- Where can I get some?
- What?
- Spanish fly.
- Spanish fly?
- Shh where do I get it?
- Now I just have to think
where you get some Spanish fly.
I don't know let me think
maybe you wanna go see
Weird Dolores.
- Weird Delores?
Okay split punk.
(tires screeching)
(upbeat music)
- Hello! Delores!
Hello!
(upbeat music)
Dolores!
(moaning)
- Goody goody two shoes
messing around with Delores.
- I just left a note.
- You wise-anker! Punks
like you make me mad,
God damnit to hell.
- Buddy told me to
come see weird Delores.
- Weird weird Delores,
you call my girl names?
You pissant.
- You pissant.
- Losing our tempers won't help.
- You make me sick.
- You make me wanna puke.
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
- You wimp.
- Listen lover boy don't
come moping around me.
Do you know what a
wimp is Freddie? Just
look in the mirror.
- Hey champ you've
been getting any?
- You're both disgusting
get out of my way.
- Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
Oh Mary Lou must be
riding a cotton pony.
- What?
- The rag stupid the rag.
How'd you do with
old weird Dolores.
- No soap.
- Maybe I can set you up.
- Really?
- Why do you think
she's called Candy?
- Yeah the senior picnic
yeah sure as a matter of fact
she's right here man.
- I'm doing better than you.
Can't you hear man
she's going at it.
- I'll call you later Jack.
(gentle music)
- Freddie old horse
makes me so sad to see
you moody like this.
(gentle music)
How's your new love life?
- Love life?
Seems like everybody's
doing it but me.
Why not me, am I so different?
- You are special Freddie
- Hi Mr. Perwin hey
Freddie your all set up!
Get the lead out of
your ass, she's ready.
- Hey what's going on here?
- Just a tag team match.
- Hey Mr. Perwin, hey Buddy
I thought you'd wanna go
for a walk.
- Dynamite.
- Ball anyone?
- Hi.
- Hi.
♪ I've been in the
shadow of your love
♪ Day by day I get worn out
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ My love's torn
(moaning)
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
(moaning)
(gentle music)
- I don't wanna wrestle.
- Then why did you come up?
- I don't know.
Why can't I do wood, why why?
- What are you still doing here?
All other kids are gone
they left you behind.
- [Announcer] For I have sworn
before you and Almighty God
the same solemn oath
our forebears prescribe
nearly a century and
three quarters ago we
cannot forget today
that we are the heirs of
that first revolution.
- Fredrick you'll
be late for school.
- Yes mama
- [Announcer] To friend and
foe alike that the torch has
been passed to a new generation
of Americans forged in
this century tempered
by war disciplined by a
hard and bitter peace
and unwilling to
witness or permit
the slow undoing of
those human rights to
which this nation has
always been committed.
Ask not what your
country can do for you
ask what you can do
for your country.
(crowd cheering)
- Boy you know what buddy?
It's a good thing Kennedy
beat we'd be in deep shit
if they'd have elected him.
- One of these days this country
will need a man like this.
- Bout the same time
they'll need you Collier.
- Hey Mary Lou.
- No date you're a
nice kid Freddie.
- But?
- But you just
don't have anything.
- Anything?
- Experience you don't
have any, a man needs to
have experience before
he's a man Freddie Collier.
(upbeat music)
- Hold on champ.
- I gotta have them now.
I'll call you later to talk
it's a matter of life or death.
- Wait where are you gonna
get if it don't exist?
- Well if it don't
exist man can create it.
- Back to the chemistry lab.
(laughs)
- Betty cooker crock book.
- What does it say
about Spanish fly?
- Well here, let's
start with one beer.
- Oh and I have the church key.
- And go go go extract
of the vanilla bean
- To make ice cream.
- A little crunchy peanut
butter from the peanut.
- Ah yes.
- Caster oil.
- oh yeah my mother.
- A little sauce
of that Tabasco.
- That ought to heat up anybody.
- And mother nature's
little helper Ex-Lax
- Master.
Sending him diarrhea buster the
turd monster we'll just give
this to old Freddie.
- Not give Igor, you fool!
The secret of
Spanish fly can not
be had so cheaply.
- Oh yeah.
(laughs)
- $75 Jeez.
- Hey maybe you don't
realize how potent this stuff
really is? A millionaire
downtown offered
me $150 for this stuff.
I'm letting you have it for
$75 just out of friendship but
if you don't want it.
- I'll think of something.
- You better.
(upbeat music)
- This idiot brought
nickels and dimes
and pennies. Christ Freddie.
- It's so small!
- That's powerful stuff just
a couple of drops and as they
say vavava voom.
- But this is just a
shoe polish bottle.
- Let's nobody know
what it is, dummy.
If anybody found out
that that was Spanish fly
we'd get arrested!
- This stuff smells
like rotten shit.
- I said it was
powerful stuff didn't I?
- If a girl gets one
drink of this she'd puke
all over herself.
- Don't let her know what
it is dummy just put a
couple drops in the Coke or
something and give it to her.
And she'll never
know what hit her.
- Are you sure?
- With this thing even
you can score Freddie.
(gentle music)
- Hi want a Coke?
- Listen daddy-o why'd
you have a Coke in
that newspaper for?
Hey gym daddy I'm gonna
make like a tree and leave.
Your brother is a six
foot cockroach, you live
in a two-story trashcan.
- See you later alligator,
I mean crocodile.
- Oh hi how have you been?
- Hi okay and have you been?
- Pretty good pretty good.
- Oh can I have a
sip of your Coke?
- Huh?
- I said, can I have
a sip off your Coke?
- Sure.
- It's all hot and sticky.
- We can put it in an ice box.
- You are weird Freddie.
(gentle music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello.
- Hi you wanna go for a Coke?
I just thought you might want
to go for Coke or something.
I can come over to your
place and bring it with me.
You know a Coke I just
thought you might want a Coke.
Oh at three o'clock I can
meet you at the beanshop
bring along a Coke or something?
Are you sure you
wouldn't like...
- What's this Coke doing here?
Fredrick is this yours?
- Stop mama.
- Don't do that to your mother.
Where are you going?
- I'm going out.
- When will you be home?
- Later mama.
- Well, don't go near that
public pool remember that's
how people contact polio.
- Yes mama.
- You wanted to
see me Mrs. Brown?
You missed a lesson.
- What's the matter
with that Mrs. Brown?
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter
with the lamp?
- It won't turn off.
- Sometimes unscrewing
is not the answer.
- Don't try to cover up
your shortcomings you can
just cancel out the
homecoming game.
(car engine roaring)
- Hey buddy.
- Don't look now but
Freddie the geek is coming
this way with his Coke.
- Hi! Bye fellas.
- How's it hanging Freddie?
- I'm in trouble nobody's
taking this love juice here.
- Well if at first
you don't succeed,
hey I hear that Judy Withers
she does it with everybody.
- Yeah Judy Withers.
- Judy Withers.
- Thanks a lot Buddy.
- Poor Judy man nobody
deserves what she's gonna get.
- There may be somebody
who deserves what they get.
- Do you want to hear a
really fantastic idea?
- Drink?
- Coca-Cola yeah thanks.
Tastes a little flat
well now what do we do?
- Look at him like
a stone statue.
- Freddie you're so cute.
(crickets chirping)
- Well at the right moment
we're gonna get the evidence
we need to get rid
of that ball crusher.
(crickets chirping)
(folk music)
- Freddie.
- Yes ma'am.
- There's only two things you
have to remember one is to put
it in and the other
one is move around.
I'll even help you put it in.
- No.
- What's the matter?
- I can't.
- Well start moving.
- Come on Collier move,
dammnit you idiot. Move man!
- You call this moving?
Freddie.
(indistinct chatter)
(upbeat music)
(moaning)
- Take it, take it,
take it, got it!
- I didn't know
he had it in him.
- You know what this means man?
- What?
- The coke its working,
the Spanish fly.
- We invented Spanish fly.
- I'm gonna be a real stud man.
- Stud?
Hell we're gonna be rich!
- You be rich I'm
gonna be a stud.
- Let's get out of here.
- You told Mary Lou what?
From now on I'm gonna
be superior get it?
Let's mix up a new batch
of the Spanish fly.
I got a heavy date with Mary
Lou on Friday night and I've
got to really perform.
- What about Freddie the dork?
- Poor old Freddie I
doubt that he has any idea
of the power of this stuff.
(upbeat music)
(moaning)
- I just heard a real hot
daddy-o, a super stud you
I should've known.
Listen Buddy why didn't you
turn on the charm for me?
- How's this?
- Oh God that shit'd gag
a maggot on a shit wagon.
Don't smell like
the first batch.
- Well we got to get it right
before Freddie catches on.
(moaning)
(gentle music)
- If 1 did it once I can
do it again, I'll be rich.
I'll be a super stud.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Judy said the super
stud was out again
last night.
I'm gonna get jealous.
- That's just gossip I've
been resting up for you.
- Darling.
Oh that nerd Freddie
Collier called again.
- He did?
- Yes but I told him boys
would have to wait now that I
have a real man.
- You tell him.
- Bye.
- Bye bye.
- Until Friday.
- Okay see you then.
(rock music)
[Announcer] It's
intermission time.
- I don't know what
it is but I feel so
differently about you now.
Freddie, darling,
honey you're wonderful!
- I know.
- I've never had such...
- It's got to work
it's just got to work.
- Shit smells close.
- Well we don't have
time to test it.
We're just gonna have to trust
in the scientific method.
Mary Lou will never
know what hit her.
- Freddie baby darling
you're wonderful, wonderful!
- I know.
- I've never had such...
Now! I want it now!
- Okay Coke popcorn?
- I must have it now.
- Here comes Delores.
- I want it now!
- You want coke popcorn?
- I must have it now!
- Okay
- Okay be back a sec.
- Hi Candy.
- I didn't want to be
alone I need somebody.
- I tried to call you.
- I think the experiment
is getting out of hand.
(screams)
- Do me do me I want
to cum make me cum now.
- Dr. Forest have you seen Gail?
I know something awful is
about to happen I'm worried
I don't know what to do.
- How could they do
it, Heavenly Gods.
- Horrible it's
horrible, it won't die!
It won't die, help me stop
the demon won't die.
- How could they do it,
how could they do it?
- Don't blame yourself
for being so handsome and
so obviously attractive I
mean everybody is different
doesn't mean you're
a bad person.
- It's not them not really
it's this wretched stuff
- What's that got
to do with anything?
- How do you think a super
stud gets to be a super stud?
- Zuni High super stud you?
- Without this junk without
his Spanish fly super stud
is a geek.
- Spanish fly it's all in your
imagination and just to prove
that there is no such thing as
Spanish fly I'm gonna drink.
- No you can't
- A special person
that's what you are.
(groaning)
A special person,
that's what you are!
(gentle music)
- Here.
- Afterwards will we
love each other forever?
- We'll love each other forever.
- What is that shit?
Super stud my ass.
- But Mary Lou.
- You're not him.
- But Mary Lou.
- You asshole.
- Goodbye super stud.
(coughs)
- Anything's better than.
I'm sorry I grabbed your punch
like that but I feel better.
- No not this way.
- Well how then?
Show me how.
(upbeat music)
- I want it to be
real not a concoction.
- Freddie.
- Yes.
- I'm very happy I found
my real man so shut up.
(gentle music)
- Well what's the matter?
Handsome boys like
you shouldn't have
any trouble getting girls.
(gentle music)
♪ I've been in the
shadow of your heart
♪ Day by day I get torn up
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ My love torn oh wasted love
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
(upbeat music)
(crowd cheering)
(orchestral music)
(orchestral music continues)
(indistinct chatter)
(crowd cheering)
- Hey punk watch
where you're going.
- You hit me.
- Are you calling him a liar?
How'd you like me to light
that bow tie for you boy?
(laughs)
- Hello, Freddie!
- Hi Mr. Perwin
- Great game huh?
- I don't know Mr. Perwin,
Mary Lou stood me up at
the party, we were
just everywhere.
(moaning)
- You sure are fun Mary Lou.
(orchestral music)
(crowd cheering)
- We had a date at
the after game party.
- Well don't lose hope
Freddie old scout.
I mean she probably couldn't
find you in this crowd. Well a
handsome fella like you, she's
probably waiting for you at
the party.
- Wow you really think so?
- I would, I guess.
- I better get on the
stick hope she ain't POD!
Shoot, our first date
too! I better go.
(crowd cheering)
(gentle music)
- Hi.
- Hi you see Mary Lou?
Great game moose.
- That was nothing man,
you wanna see a good game?
You should see me and Buddy at
the homecoming game. Come on!
- Have fun here
again, nature boy.
- You seen Mary Lou?
(upbeat music)
♪ Well you not that insane.
♪ And the way you
got it going on
♪ Hold on to me my lady
♪ 'Cause you know
what's going on.
- I wanna dance let's go in.
- Ah come on let's
wait a second.
- Hey stud let's go
take care of Bird man.
- Look Dr. Bird benched me
for the last three weeks.
He can't get away with that
without paying for his ass.
- Right on.
- You were smoking in the john.
If you get in trouble again
you'll both will be benched for
the homecoming game.
Come on Buddy let's
go into the party.
- Don't listen to her.
- Moose let's go get that guy.
- You leave me and I'll keep
my date with Freddie Collier.
- Freddie the geek!
Oh man, let them laugh
you right out of school.
Yeah let the whole world
see you dancing with Freddie
the wimp. Bye bye Mary Lou
don't do nothing we wouldn't do.
- Hey I've been looking
all over. Come on
lets go inside the party.
- No I can't they'll see me,
I mean I really hate crowds.
Listen Freddie would you
like to take me for a ride?
- Yeah I guess I mean
sure a ride that's great.
- I thought we were going to...
- Forget it, I have
something else.
(radio chatter)
(upbeat music)
(indistinct chatter)
One of these windows
has got to be open...
- If Doc Bird catches us,
he'll bench us and next week is
the homecoming game man, all
the college girls will be here.
- Don't worry, just
stick with the champ.
- Damnit!
- "This next little number
I'd like to dedicate to Billy
to Carrie, Tim to
Louise, Jerry to Mera.
- Is this what you think of me?
Do you think that I'm so cheap
that I'd park in any old car
with another car parked
right next to us?
A real woman needs
a private place.
(indistinct chatter)
- Come on, come on.
- Jim to Louise, Jerry to
Marilyn, Gina to question mark?
- Door's locked.
- Now Bird's gonna get smart.
Get that stuff away
from me! Jesus Christ!
- Shut up I hear somebody.
- Can you quit doing that?
- I heard somebody.
- We're the only
ones around here.
- Hey!
- That's Lester
Willis and Lynn Dana.
- Let's stop here.
- Are you out of your mind?
And have that gossip Lynn
Dana drive by with Lester
the leper? Even if you don't,
I care about my good reputation.
Come on Freddie.
- I know a place baby you
want a place out of the way
I'll give you a
place out of the way.
(gentle music)
- Mary Lou your eyes
are so beautiful.
- You're so corny.
Freddie, Freddie cut it out.
- Oh you did it this
time our ass is mud.
- I'll think of something.
- No talking! All right
you neanderthal jocks you
have two choices.
You will take your licks
from me your kindhearted
English teacher or old Doc Bird?
- Does that mean that if
we're getting from you
does doc Bird find out?
- What dog bird doesn't know
won't hurt him and you can
both play in the
homecoming game.
- Okay come on you
go ahead and do it.
- Get it over with.
- Drop your pants.
- Drop our pants shorts and all?
- You heard me I didn't
stutter drop your drawers.
- I love you Mary Lou.
- I promised my mother.
- I just wanna hold you.
- Get your finger out of
there! What kind of a girl do
you think I am?
- Oh Mary Lou please.
- Animal, you're an
animal Freddie Collier!
- Don't move a
muscle, no talking.
You two naughty boys
have a bad attitude.
Don't move a muscle.
Now turn around.
You'll find that our attitudes
in life and in sports
mean an awful lot.
Boys.
- Yes ma'am.
- Rape is such a dirty
word and love is such
a beautiful thing.
- Yes ma'am.
- You two boys don't
want anybody to find
out or anybody to
know how two juvenile
delinquents tried to rape me.
- No ma'am.
- I have so much to teach you
it's better me than groping
around in the backseat
of somebody's car.
- Yes ma'am.
- You promised to
keep your eyes closed.
- They're closed!
They're closed!
- Be careful! I mean
Freddie you're too rough.
- I like you a lot Mary Lou.
- What's that, what's that?
- 1 don't know I
didn't hear anything.
- Tomorrow and tomorrow
and tomorrow creeps in this
petty pace from day to day.
On to the last syllable of
recorded time....
- Come on you jock let's
go for a touchdown.
- That's right, pushing back.
Way back!
- Touchdown touchdown
we on touchdown .
- And I feel good.
(indistinct chatter)
- So this girl keeps getting
the feeling that there's
somebody around outside the car.
Well they left finally.
Her boyfriend was
POD but later when
they got to her house he went
around opened her car door and
there was this bloody
steel hook hanging right on
her car door.
He'd been ripped right
off the killers arm.
- Hanging on the door?
- What's that?
- I didn't hear anything.
(crickets chirping)
- Shakespeare wrote five
comedies by this diagram you
can tell what they were.
Wet, Midsummer Night's Dream.
Dry, The Twelfth Night.
Three inches, Much
Ado About Nothing.
Six Inches, As You Like It.
Nine inches, Taming
of the Shrew.
- I'm taming the Shrew
I'm taming the Shrew.
- Tame tame.
- 1 will I will.
- She ain't tamed.
- It's pretty late.
- We better go.
(car engine roaring)
- Oh no.
- Now what do we do?
- Get out and see
if you can fix it.
- Okay.
- Ew what's that your
pants are wet your pants
are wet! Freddie!
(car honking)
(indistinct chatter)
- I've never been
so embarrassed in my
whole life Freddie Collier.
- Hey Mary Lou come
with us wanna ride?
- Mary Lou Mary Lou.
(car honks)
(folk music)
(crickets chirping)
(folk music)
-lcan'tdo it
anymore, I really can't.
- Certainly big jocks like you
ought to be able to hold up
under the pressure.
- Oh man we've been doing
all the work you've just
been laying there
having a good time.
- Well that's okay
for this lesson.
♪ Boo laa boo laa boo laa,
♪ That's the war
cry at Zuni High
♪ We will down them
we will crown them
♪ Till they all are
boo la boo ra ra!
(birds chirping)
(upbeat music)
- You guys chasing Candy?
- None of your beeswax
squirt! Hey pussy.
- You keep your
hands off my girl.
- Hey you want a
knuckle sandwich man?
- I never said anything
ignore him! You creep!
There's a cop, hey
help help help!
- I'm gonna remember this,
I'm gonna remember this.
- You better give your soul
up to God ‘cause your ass
belongs to us.
- Come on.
♪ Remember that
you'd gone away
♪ The hurt is such I
remember too much
♪ And I'm only...
- Right Moose?
- Right on man, keeping
happy keep it happy.
Right Freddie? So
much meat loaf!
- Been getting any
lately Freddie?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Don't you know man,
Freddie's a virgin.
- Real stick in the mud huh?
- But I'll meet the
right girl you'll see.
- Sure sure Romeo, meanwhile
you need a little help?
(laughs)
(gentle music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
(laughs)
- You know Wink Lewis?
- Yeah.
- He used to be a virgin right,
now he scores every time.
- Wink the wimp? How
does he do that?.
- He's got this stuff and he
just pours it into this girl's
drink Coke or something they
just go absolutely wild.
They just start stripping
you naked just to get at it.
- Oh God that's what I
need that's what I need.
One time Wink he gave it to
this girl to drive in and he
couldn't get his Peter up.
(laughs)
She ended up fucking
the gear shift.
- God I need that's
some healthy shit.
- You know weird Delores?
- What are you leaving?
- Yeah come on come on.
She's got some.
- Good we'll get some
for Freddie to keep.
- Oh now come on now don't
pick on him he's a little
bit sensitive yeah don't
get too close to him.
You never know he might like
guys better than he does girls.
- Freddie are you a homo?
- Come on, come on.
(indistinct chatter)
- This announcement supersedes
the preceding announcement.
Your lunch periods tomorrow
will be held from 11:40 to 11:52
instead of 11:45
to 11:57 as announced
previously in order that
the students may proceed
to the awards assembly.
It has come to my attention
that some of the students
have been caught smoking in
the boys lavatories yesterday.
And I want you all to keep your
eyes open on that don't any
of you pass the lavatories
without going in there
and check and check on the
smoke thing it's got to stop.
- Apologies are not
enough Freddie Collier.
- I just got my car back
from the tow truck company.
- Tonight I have to wash my
hair and Wednesday I study
for a test.
- What did you do?
- Darn I just dropped my
towel I'm naked to the world.
It's a good thing you're
not here ooh that itches.
I shouldn't be
talking to you anyway.
I'm mad at you.
This bed feels so soft
I can feel it all over.
So strange talking to a man
on the phone while lying here
just totally nude.
No I'm not going to catch cold.
Oh, goodbye.
(folk music)
- Well if it's that
important Freddie.
Oh I see right away?
Well I'll have some
hot chocolate waiting.
(suspenseful music)
- I see it everywhere! Sex
sex sex I see it everywhere.
- Speaking man to man
go get yourself laid.
Now this may sound blunt son
but take Mary Lou out and fuck
her till her eyes pop out.
I have too much respect.
I'm hurt Mr. Perwin.
I like her too much as a person.
- Not a person a woman
and I know women.
Son this may sound rough
but they're all looking for
the same thing treated
the same way rough!
- Mr. Perwin, Mary Lou?
You'll see I'm right you
just get into her pants.
Other people do it all the time.
- They do?
(moaning)
♪ You're my pain
♪ I will love you ever more
♪ You're my pain
♪ I will love you as before
its so hard for me to lie
♪ That I once loved you before
♪ You're my pain can I
walk you to your door
♪ You're my pain
- Where can I get some?
- What?
- Spanish fly.
- Spanish fly?
- Shh where do I get it?
- Now I just have to think
where you get some Spanish fly.
I don't know let me think
maybe you wanna go see
Weird Dolores.
- Weird Delores?
Okay split punk.
(tires screeching)
(upbeat music)
- Hello! Delores!
Hello!
(upbeat music)
Dolores!
(moaning)
- Goody goody two shoes
messing around with Delores.
- I just left a note.
- You wise-anker! Punks
like you make me mad,
God damnit to hell.
- Buddy told me to
come see weird Delores.
- Weird weird Delores,
you call my girl names?
You pissant.
- You pissant.
- Losing our tempers won't help.
- You make me sick.
- You make me wanna puke.
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
- You wimp.
- Listen lover boy don't
come moping around me.
Do you know what a
wimp is Freddie? Just
look in the mirror.
- Hey champ you've
been getting any?
- You're both disgusting
get out of my way.
- Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
Oh Mary Lou must be
riding a cotton pony.
- What?
- The rag stupid the rag.
How'd you do with
old weird Dolores.
- No soap.
- Maybe I can set you up.
- Really?
- Why do you think
she's called Candy?
- Yeah the senior picnic
yeah sure as a matter of fact
she's right here man.
- I'm doing better than you.
Can't you hear man
she's going at it.
- I'll call you later Jack.
(gentle music)
- Freddie old horse
makes me so sad to see
you moody like this.
(gentle music)
How's your new love life?
- Love life?
Seems like everybody's
doing it but me.
Why not me, am I so different?
- You are special Freddie
- Hi Mr. Perwin hey
Freddie your all set up!
Get the lead out of
your ass, she's ready.
- Hey what's going on here?
- Just a tag team match.
- Hey Mr. Perwin, hey Buddy
I thought you'd wanna go
for a walk.
- Dynamite.
- Ball anyone?
- Hi.
- Hi.
♪ I've been in the
shadow of your love
♪ Day by day I get worn out
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ My love's torn
(moaning)
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
(moaning)
(gentle music)
- I don't wanna wrestle.
- Then why did you come up?
- I don't know.
Why can't I do wood, why why?
- What are you still doing here?
All other kids are gone
they left you behind.
- [Announcer] For I have sworn
before you and Almighty God
the same solemn oath
our forebears prescribe
nearly a century and
three quarters ago we
cannot forget today
that we are the heirs of
that first revolution.
- Fredrick you'll
be late for school.
- Yes mama
- [Announcer] To friend and
foe alike that the torch has
been passed to a new generation
of Americans forged in
this century tempered
by war disciplined by a
hard and bitter peace
and unwilling to
witness or permit
the slow undoing of
those human rights to
which this nation has
always been committed.
Ask not what your
country can do for you
ask what you can do
for your country.
(crowd cheering)
- Boy you know what buddy?
It's a good thing Kennedy
beat we'd be in deep shit
if they'd have elected him.
- One of these days this country
will need a man like this.
- Bout the same time
they'll need you Collier.
- Hey Mary Lou.
- No date you're a
nice kid Freddie.
- But?
- But you just
don't have anything.
- Anything?
- Experience you don't
have any, a man needs to
have experience before
he's a man Freddie Collier.
(upbeat music)
- Hold on champ.
- I gotta have them now.
I'll call you later to talk
it's a matter of life or death.
- Wait where are you gonna
get if it don't exist?
- Well if it don't
exist man can create it.
- Back to the chemistry lab.
(laughs)
- Betty cooker crock book.
- What does it say
about Spanish fly?
- Well here, let's
start with one beer.
- Oh and I have the church key.
- And go go go extract
of the vanilla bean
- To make ice cream.
- A little crunchy peanut
butter from the peanut.
- Ah yes.
- Caster oil.
- oh yeah my mother.
- A little sauce
of that Tabasco.
- That ought to heat up anybody.
- And mother nature's
little helper Ex-Lax
- Master.
Sending him diarrhea buster the
turd monster we'll just give
this to old Freddie.
- Not give Igor, you fool!
The secret of
Spanish fly can not
be had so cheaply.
- Oh yeah.
(laughs)
- $75 Jeez.
- Hey maybe you don't
realize how potent this stuff
really is? A millionaire
downtown offered
me $150 for this stuff.
I'm letting you have it for
$75 just out of friendship but
if you don't want it.
- I'll think of something.
- You better.
(upbeat music)
- This idiot brought
nickels and dimes
and pennies. Christ Freddie.
- It's so small!
- That's powerful stuff just
a couple of drops and as they
say vavava voom.
- But this is just a
shoe polish bottle.
- Let's nobody know
what it is, dummy.
If anybody found out
that that was Spanish fly
we'd get arrested!
- This stuff smells
like rotten shit.
- I said it was
powerful stuff didn't I?
- If a girl gets one
drink of this she'd puke
all over herself.
- Don't let her know what
it is dummy just put a
couple drops in the Coke or
something and give it to her.
And she'll never
know what hit her.
- Are you sure?
- With this thing even
you can score Freddie.
(gentle music)
- Hi want a Coke?
- Listen daddy-o why'd
you have a Coke in
that newspaper for?
Hey gym daddy I'm gonna
make like a tree and leave.
Your brother is a six
foot cockroach, you live
in a two-story trashcan.
- See you later alligator,
I mean crocodile.
- Oh hi how have you been?
- Hi okay and have you been?
- Pretty good pretty good.
- Oh can I have a
sip of your Coke?
- Huh?
- I said, can I have
a sip off your Coke?
- Sure.
- It's all hot and sticky.
- We can put it in an ice box.
- You are weird Freddie.
(gentle music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello.
- Hi you wanna go for a Coke?
I just thought you might want
to go for Coke or something.
I can come over to your
place and bring it with me.
You know a Coke I just
thought you might want a Coke.
Oh at three o'clock I can
meet you at the beanshop
bring along a Coke or something?
Are you sure you
wouldn't like...
- What's this Coke doing here?
Fredrick is this yours?
- Stop mama.
- Don't do that to your mother.
Where are you going?
- I'm going out.
- When will you be home?
- Later mama.
- Well, don't go near that
public pool remember that's
how people contact polio.
- Yes mama.
- You wanted to
see me Mrs. Brown?
You missed a lesson.
- What's the matter
with that Mrs. Brown?
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter
with the lamp?
- It won't turn off.
- Sometimes unscrewing
is not the answer.
- Don't try to cover up
your shortcomings you can
just cancel out the
homecoming game.
(car engine roaring)
- Hey buddy.
- Don't look now but
Freddie the geek is coming
this way with his Coke.
- Hi! Bye fellas.
- How's it hanging Freddie?
- I'm in trouble nobody's
taking this love juice here.
- Well if at first
you don't succeed,
hey I hear that Judy Withers
she does it with everybody.
- Yeah Judy Withers.
- Judy Withers.
- Thanks a lot Buddy.
- Poor Judy man nobody
deserves what she's gonna get.
- There may be somebody
who deserves what they get.
- Do you want to hear a
really fantastic idea?
- Drink?
- Coca-Cola yeah thanks.
Tastes a little flat
well now what do we do?
- Look at him like
a stone statue.
- Freddie you're so cute.
(crickets chirping)
- Well at the right moment
we're gonna get the evidence
we need to get rid
of that ball crusher.
(crickets chirping)
(folk music)
- Freddie.
- Yes ma'am.
- There's only two things you
have to remember one is to put
it in and the other
one is move around.
I'll even help you put it in.
- No.
- What's the matter?
- I can't.
- Well start moving.
- Come on Collier move,
dammnit you idiot. Move man!
- You call this moving?
Freddie.
(indistinct chatter)
(upbeat music)
(moaning)
- Take it, take it,
take it, got it!
- I didn't know
he had it in him.
- You know what this means man?
- What?
- The coke its working,
the Spanish fly.
- We invented Spanish fly.
- I'm gonna be a real stud man.
- Stud?
Hell we're gonna be rich!
- You be rich I'm
gonna be a stud.
- Let's get out of here.
- You told Mary Lou what?
From now on I'm gonna
be superior get it?
Let's mix up a new batch
of the Spanish fly.
I got a heavy date with Mary
Lou on Friday night and I've
got to really perform.
- What about Freddie the dork?
- Poor old Freddie I
doubt that he has any idea
of the power of this stuff.
(upbeat music)
(moaning)
- I just heard a real hot
daddy-o, a super stud you
I should've known.
Listen Buddy why didn't you
turn on the charm for me?
- How's this?
- Oh God that shit'd gag
a maggot on a shit wagon.
Don't smell like
the first batch.
- Well we got to get it right
before Freddie catches on.
(moaning)
(gentle music)
- If 1 did it once I can
do it again, I'll be rich.
I'll be a super stud.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Judy said the super
stud was out again
last night.
I'm gonna get jealous.
- That's just gossip I've
been resting up for you.
- Darling.
Oh that nerd Freddie
Collier called again.
- He did?
- Yes but I told him boys
would have to wait now that I
have a real man.
- You tell him.
- Bye.
- Bye bye.
- Until Friday.
- Okay see you then.
(rock music)
[Announcer] It's
intermission time.
- I don't know what
it is but I feel so
differently about you now.
Freddie, darling,
honey you're wonderful!
- I know.
- I've never had such...
- It's got to work
it's just got to work.
- Shit smells close.
- Well we don't have
time to test it.
We're just gonna have to trust
in the scientific method.
Mary Lou will never
know what hit her.
- Freddie baby darling
you're wonderful, wonderful!
- I know.
- I've never had such...
Now! I want it now!
- Okay Coke popcorn?
- I must have it now.
- Here comes Delores.
- I want it now!
- You want coke popcorn?
- I must have it now!
- Okay
- Okay be back a sec.
- Hi Candy.
- I didn't want to be
alone I need somebody.
- I tried to call you.
- I think the experiment
is getting out of hand.
(screams)
- Do me do me I want
to cum make me cum now.
- Dr. Forest have you seen Gail?
I know something awful is
about to happen I'm worried
I don't know what to do.
- How could they do
it, Heavenly Gods.
- Horrible it's
horrible, it won't die!
It won't die, help me stop
the demon won't die.
- How could they do it,
how could they do it?
- Don't blame yourself
for being so handsome and
so obviously attractive I
mean everybody is different
doesn't mean you're
a bad person.
- It's not them not really
it's this wretched stuff
- What's that got
to do with anything?
- How do you think a super
stud gets to be a super stud?
- Zuni High super stud you?
- Without this junk without
his Spanish fly super stud
is a geek.
- Spanish fly it's all in your
imagination and just to prove
that there is no such thing as
Spanish fly I'm gonna drink.
- No you can't
- A special person
that's what you are.
(groaning)
A special person,
that's what you are!
(gentle music)
- Here.
- Afterwards will we
love each other forever?
- We'll love each other forever.
- What is that shit?
Super stud my ass.
- But Mary Lou.
- You're not him.
- But Mary Lou.
- You asshole.
- Goodbye super stud.
(coughs)
- Anything's better than.
I'm sorry I grabbed your punch
like that but I feel better.
- No not this way.
- Well how then?
Show me how.
(upbeat music)
- I want it to be
real not a concoction.
- Freddie.
- Yes.
- I'm very happy I found
my real man so shut up.
(gentle music)
- Well what's the matter?
Handsome boys like
you shouldn't have
any trouble getting girls.
(gentle music)
♪ I've been in the
shadow of your heart
♪ Day by day I get torn up
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
♪ My love torn oh wasted love
♪ Shagalaga shagalaga
(upbeat music)