Here Come the Co-eds (1945) - full transcript
Two bumblers become caretakers at an all-girls college. During their misadventures, the duo raise money to free the school from its traditionally-minded landlord.
Thanks for the lesson.
No, thank you for the lesson.
Slats, why aren't you at work?
Well sis, I'm waiting for the boss.
You've been fired again?
Certainly not.
I want him to give you a raise
for the publicity I got you.
Now look.
Molly McCarthy, Miramar instructor says,
"I'm saving my money to go to Bixby,"
"the college of my dreams."
You see it?
I've seen nothing else for three days.
Hello, Miss College.
What do you hear from Einstein?
Well what's wrong with that?
I'll publicize you right
into bright lights.
Or into a padded cell.
Why don't you mix a little
truth with your publicity?
This is nothing but the truth.
Look at that
I found out there really is a
college by the name of Bixby.
I found it out, on the level.
Where you going, sis?
Home before you publicize me
into playing shortstop
for the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Hey, wait a minute
that's not a bad idea.
Why I'll break every front page
in the country with that story,
- or my name is not...
- McCarthy.
Oh-oh, hello boss.
- Goldbricking, again, huh?
- No.
Then maybe you're still working here?
I hope so.
- Then get to work.
- Okay.
And make sure your pal gets to work too,
- or you're both fired.
- Okay, boss.
Dance, Mr. McCarthy?
Oh, yes, surely.
Is Mr. Quackenbush working this evening?
Oh he's around some place,
I don't know where.
Hello.
How do you do?
Let's sit this one out.
Sit it out?
Thank you ever so much.
Sit down.
You know, I really don't like dancing
because it's nothing but
hugging set to music.
What don't you like about it?
The music.
Oh, my.
Aha!
You snake in the grass.
You wolf in sheep's clothing.
You worm, at last, I found you.
You're the rat who lured
my wife away from me.
I'm gonna teach you a
lesson you'll never forget.
And as for you.
You are no longer my wife.
No longer your wife?
I never was your wife.
Huh?
Why, you...
Remarkable resemblance.
I could have sworn you were my wife.
Boy, do I feel silly.
How do you think I feel?
May I apologize on the floor?
Yes.
Why don't you apologize to me?
I'm on the floor.
What in the world are you into now?
Come on.
Come over here.
What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?
You tell me you're too tired to dance
and as soon as my back is
turned, you play in the sand.
Never mind that.
Now stop this nonsense and get to work.
Hello, Mr. Quackenbush.
How do you do?
Shall we dance, or would
you rather sit this one out?
I sat the last one out, let's dance.
Thank you.
Aha!
You home wrecker.
For weeks I've tried to find you,
and now I've caught you two together.
How dare you try to steal
my wife away from me?
Did he try to steal your wife?
You know he tried to...
Well, you look just like my wife.
Oh I beg your pardon it's all a mistake.
I regret it exceedingly.
- Shall we finish this dance?
- Yes.
I hope you don't think I'm drunk.
It's quite all right.
I'm a little potted myself.
What, again?
Didn't I tell you not to play in the sand?
Now get up, get up on your feet, get up.
Didn't I tell you not to play in the sand?
- Who's playing in the sand?
- You.
Now listen here to me.
I'm not playing in no sand.
What were you doing down there?
- Bad eyes.
- Now it's bad eyes?
Not me, some crazy guy around here.
Every time the guy sees me with a girl
he thinks it's his wife.
So what?
He says to me like this, he says Aha.
You're the snake in wolf's clothing,
you're the wolf in the grass.
How dare you steal my wife away from me.
What are you...
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Stealing that little man's wife.
Madam, madam.
Whoo-oo.
Are you destructful.
Who was she?
That must be that crazy guy's wife.
Aha!
That's him.
Hey, what happened here?
Now if you say Aha,
I'll knock ya down again.
Hey, wait a minute.
You hit the boss.
Let's get out of here.
All right break it out, break it out.
Wait, we'll take this car.
It don't belong to us.
What's the difference get in there.
Go ahead, go ahead, start it up.
Hey.
Come back with that car.
Well I'm glad we got out of that jam.
Yeah I hope we can get this car back
before the people miss it.
Calling cars 11, 12, 14 and 15.
Cars 11, 12, 14 and 15.
Be on the lookout for car 13.
It has just been stolen.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, how do you like that?
Somebody stole a police car.
I feel sorry for that chump.
Here is a description
of the men who stole the police car.
Number one: Medium height,
slender, blue eyes.
Number two: Short, fat and stupid.
Tsk, tsk, tsk couple of chumps.
Yeah, we don't know 'em.
Blow your horn and get
around that taxicab.
- Uh-uh, must be a fire.
- Fire?
The siren's on
somebody's comin' I guess.
Come on.
I don't see any fire.
I pulled over anyway.
Well, all right.
Get around that taxicab, will you, please?
Here comes the fire department again.
- Wait a minute.
- What's the matter?
You're the one that
stole the police car.
- Me?
- Yes.
- I stole a police car?
- This is a police car.
This is?
See ya later.
You're gonna drive this car.
Now drive it back the
police will understand.
You sure the cops are gonna understand?
Certainly they'll understand.
Then you drive it.
Come here.
Drive the car, come on drive the car.
- How can I drive?
- Drive the car go ahead.
- How can I drive?
- Drive the car.
Leave my head.
There you are, you got it.
Here's the wheel over here.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
Look out where you're driving.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Go on, beat it we're busy.
We brought your car back.
I haven't got time to
listen to that kind...
It's them, grab them.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute what's going on here?
Well these are the men
that stole our police car.
No, no, no we didn't steal it,
we took it by mistake.
Didn't we bring it back?
Doesn't that prove that we're honest?
I can see that, most
men would have run away.
Release them boys.
Oh no, not until we pay
for the gasoline we used.
That won't be necessary.
Chief, we insist
after all we used your
gas we wanna pay for it.
Very well, measure it Flanagan.
Measure it Flanagan.
- Yes, sir.
- Measure it.
About a sixth of a gallon.
Oh, a sixth of a gallon.
Well I think I have enough
here to cover that thank you.
There you are, Chief.
Thank you it's a pleasure to meet
fine conscientious citizens like you.
Thank you, Chief.
- Have one of my cigars.
- Thank you.
Oh by the way, just a minute tat, tat.
- Have one of my matches.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, please.
Have a match, that's it.
Fine smoke, right?
Hurry up, Oliver.
But what will you boys do?
That's all right we'll get along.
We better get along right
now, out the fire escape.
Oliver, Oliver.
Come on, out.
Oliver, no Oliver.
There's no fire escape there.
I just found that out.
Hurry up, Oliver.
All right, all right take
it easy, take it easy.
Are you all right?
Get up on your feet.
Quick, hide.
Come on, hurry up.
- Miss McCarthy?
- Yes?
My name is Benson, Dean
Benson of Bixby College.
May I come in?
- Why, yes.
- Thank you.
I read the magazine article
about your ambition, and I...
- Hello, hello.
- Hello.
This is my brother Mr. McCarthy
and his friend Oliver Quackenbush.
How do you do?
This is the dean.
- The who?
- The dean.
- Dean?
- Dean.
Did you ever pitch for
the St. Louis Cardinals?
No as I was saying Miss McCarthy
I read the magazine article
and I'm here to award you the
Bixby Foundation scholarship.
Oh I'm afraid I can't...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, what is it worth?
It covers the tuition,
the registration fees,
room and board and all necessary expenses.
She'll take it.
Oh no I won't.
You see Slats and Oliver
just lost their jobs,
and well we're sort of
dependent on each other.
I couldn't possibly leave them.
Oh that's loyal of you.
What sort of work do you do?
Well practically anything.
Creative, executive.
Well I don't know whether
this would interest you or not,
but the school does need
two assistant caretakers.
Caretakers?
The job pays room and board.
Room and board?
You want us just to
work for room and board?
We'll take it.
Splendid.
I'll expect the three of you
at Bixby tomorrow afternoon.
We'll be there.
Bye.
I should've asked him for
passes for the football game.
They don't play football there.
That's a girls' college, Bixby.
There's 200 or 300 girls up there.
- 200 or 300 girls?
- Sure.
- At Bixby?
- Yeah.
- Girls' school?
- Mm-hmm.
We're gonna be the caretakers?
- Just you and I?
- Mm-hmm.
Caretakers for 200 or 300 girls?
So what?
Diane.
Where's Benson?
Where's he hiding?
Well isn't he in his office?
No, he is not in his office.
And you know his hideouts,
you know where he goes.
Where is he?
I tell you, Dad, you run along
and when I find him,
I'll have him phone you.
Phone me nothing.
Have you seen this?
Miramar Molly gets Bixby scholarship.
Yes, isn't it splendid?
Splendid?
To give Bixby's one
scholarship to a Miramar Molly?
Well that's what the dean said,
why should we continue to waste it
on girls able to pay their own tuition?
You act more like your
mother's mother every day.
Larry shh, shh.
Get back, get back.
- What's up?
- Dad's blood pressure.
Found out about the
McCarthy scholarship, hmm?
Well, might as well go
and have it out with him.
No Larry wait till he cools off.
I don't believe in dodging trouble.
Well please, for my sake.
I say, you there.
- Just a minute.
- Just a minute.
We don't want you in the picture.
There's not going to be any picture.
That's what I said
there ain't gonna be with your face in it.
Would you let me alone?
I'm chairman of the board of regents.
Well then go get a chair and sit down.
Come here, you.
You come down from there.
Come down from there I say.
We're not going to have anything
like this here at Bixby.
You're coming down off
of there, that's all.
Now you come down.
Take your hands off that girl.
Give me those films.
Wait a minute give me back my camera.
Johnson, throw them out.
I'll have you in juvenile court.
Gentlemen, gentlemen what's
the meaning of all this?
More vulgar notoriety,
that's the meaning of it.
I caught this Miramar Molly
with these magazine photographers.
They're not photographers.
This man is her brother,
that one is his friend.
I hired them last night as caretakers.
Yes, we didn't mean any harm.
Well, perhaps not.
But anyway I want these films destroyed.
Get rid of them, Johnson.
- Right.
- Give me those.
And, Johnson, show your new
assistants to their quarters.
Assistants, huh?
And we'll have no more
of your cheap publicity
tricks here Miss McCarthy.
You won't have...
Diane, will you show Miss
McCarthy to the dormitory?
Yes indeed, this way, Miss McCarthy.
And as for you young man...
Suppose we hold our
discussions in my office.
Very well.
This way, Mr. Kirkland.
Hello, chubby.
Excuse me, you dropped
your handkerchief.
Get dirty, better pick it up.
Hi, pudgy.
Excuse me.
Look, no flirting around here.
If you pick up a girl's
handkerchief, you're fired.
Hey, you're too rough.
Hello, butterball you're
new here, aren't ya?
My name's Patty what's yours?
Never mind, you can
tell me some other time.
See ya later.
She's cute.
As head of the board of regents
I demand that our sacred
traditions must be upheld.
Our old methods, our
tried and proven methods.
Are antiquated
and the condition of Bixby
when I took over proves it.
Not one modern course,
not one up-to-date method,
not one-fourth the enrollment
needed to meet expenses.
And may I ask who
has met those expenses?
Who has carried overdue
mortgages for 20 years?
You have.
But if you'd just let me
make this a real school...
Bixby was good enough for
my mother and her mother
and her mother's mother and
her mother's mother's mother.
Come on.
This is the caretakers' quarters.
Well you should get a
caretaker to take care of it.
That's just what you're for.
Get busy and clean up.
Okay.
Come on, get busy.
Hey, you.
There's only one reason why I
don't punch you in the nose.
And that's because I'm
bigger than you are.
I'm bigger than you are.
That's a better reason.
Get to it.
Well get busy.
Now hat are you doing, what are you doing?
Go ahead, here.
What a mess.
Aah.
Not in there, put it in
the wastepaper basket.
- Hey, Slats.
- What?
Hold that.
Hold it easy.
What are you doing?
Thank you again.
What are ya doin'?
The man said clean up
the place, didn't he?
Look I'll clean this room up
come here you go in the kitchen
there and wash the dishes.
Go ahead.
Why don't I take the dishes
and throw them in the spare room?
- Go in the kitchen.
- All right.
- Wash the dishes.
- All right.
Go ahead in there.
What are you doing,
what are you doing now?
Go to the kitchen and
wash the dishes, go ahead.
Slats, Slats.
Slats.
What are you doing,
what are you doing now?
Slats, get me out, get me out.
There you are.
What are you doing in
there, get out of there.
Get out of that.
If you wanna wash your face
why don't you use the sink over there?
Well I mean after all...
Never mind, now get on the
job and clean up this place.
Get that grease spot off that
wall and wash those dishes.
I won't, I won't, I won't.
I will.
Take care of that pan under the icebox.
Now get with it.
Just wanna be stubborn for a second.
When I said I won't, I won't, I won't,
I knew I was gonna say I will.
I usually do.
Window was closed.
Fresh water.
Good, fresh water.
Slats.
Hey, Oliver, hey Oliver.
If we can hold on to this job,
we'll be in the dough in no time.
I'm in it now.
You're in the dough?
Yeah, I'm wearin' it.
What are you doing now?
What is this here?
How did you get into this?
Wait a minute.
What did you get into now?
Get this thing off your feet.
Get this out of the way.
- Look at this mess.
- Wait a minute.
Quiet, all right, put 'em back.
Put 'em back.
There, that's it.
Put 'em back where they belong.
Hold on to me, get down.
Come on, get down.
Come on get down, get down.
Oh, look at this mess you're an...
Throw those away.
Throw 'em away.
Come 'ere what's the matter, what is it?
Look molasses glue.
Give me that, give me that.
- Oh good.
- Now look at this.
- Huh?
- Look at this.
Well let's both wear one.
Never mind that.
Give me that, give me that.
There you are.
- Huh?
- Look what you did.
Take it back.
Get a load of this mess.
Hold it, hold it, I'll get
you out, I'll get you out.
Get it off.
There you are, now take a hold of this.
Okay.
Hold on to it.
Oh, what a mess.
- Ahhh.
- What's the matter?
Get it off.
Oh, I don't know what
I'll ever do with you.
Always getting me into trouble,
you're always doing something.
Get rid of it.
Throw it out of here.
- Hey.
- Wait a minute, turn around.
I can't get the legs open.
Turn around, turn around.
I can't get my legs open.
Well turn around, here
I'll straighten you out.
Look, look.
Here all right.
Here you are here, hold it.
Never mind that take this off.
Can't get it off the pants.
Turn around.
Get my hand off the pants.
My hand off the pants.
Hold still.
Oh.
Put that down.
Turn around, here I'll get you out.
There you are.
Ahhh.
Look at this mess.
That's good.
Oh, look at this here.
What are you doing?
- Now, look.
- Now, listen.
Now don't get any on my
face 'cause I don't go for it.
Go wash those dishes.
Look at this mess.
Ahhh.
Wash the dishes.
Slats.
Do they sing like this every night?
Yeah, they're in a rut.
It's perfect, the whole
college, the girls, everything.
You should've seen it last semester
before Benson gave it a face-lift.
No athletics, no makeup,
no singing, no nothin'.
The dean really did a job around here.
He's nice, isn't he?
Remind me to ask Diane.
Diane?
Oh.
You just got time to clean
this room up before class.
That's all I heard for two weeks.
Just clean this up, clean that up,
scrub the floor, wash the dishes,
mow the lawn, rake up the leaves.
While all he does is shoot dice.
How do you know?
I found these in his room.
Oliver.
Hey, hide those dice.
Hurry up, hide 'em.
Oliver, I'm sorry I couldn't
keep our date last night.
Are ya mad at me?
Oh, Oliver speak to me.
What can I do to make
you accept my apology?
Oh, of course I'll kiss you.
Oh, I'm late, see ya later, bye.
What are you doing?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Hey.
Did you swallow those dice?
Come on you guys, quit stallin'.
Hey what's the matter with him?
He swallowed your dice.
My dice?
I paid two bucks for those dice.
I could roll a seven anytime I wanted to.
I'm gonna get 'em out of you
if I have to choke 'em out.
Stand up there.
Stand still.
What's the matter?
Hold still.
Six.
Bet ya five bucks I can make it.
- That's a bet.
- Put it down there.
I mean Slats, what are you doing...
Quiet, come here.
Slats wait.
Get in there, get in there hurry up.
All right, get in there.
Turn around and hold still.
Two threes, I made it the hard way.
What do you think of that?
Marvelous.
Let 'er ride, go ahead.
- Okay.
- Put it down, cover it all.
I'm the only one ridin'
up and down the joint.
There ya are, come here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I want a better shake than that.
- Now look.
- Come here, come here.
Get up here on that table.
How do you operate this thing?
I'll operate it.
You're gonna operate on who?
Now cut it out, cut it out.
- Lay down.
- Mama.
Slats, no more I can't take it Slats.
Get your feet together.
Slats, Slats.
Turn it off, Slats.
I'm afraid Slats, get me off.
Get up.
I win.
Boxcars.
That was very entertaining
but just what does that
teach the other pupils?
Miss Carroll,
will you please analyze the
composition you just heard?
Starting the first movement moderato,
the second movement is lento,
tres passionné, with the
sixth bar played espressivo.
The balance of the composition
is interpreted as indicated,
namely, en glissant, ad libitum, rubato,
avec beaucoup d'expression
and allegro molto vivace
with a cross indicating
pizzicato with the left hand
and a chromatic scale
glide with one finger.
I'd like to hear our scholarship student
repeat that description.
Will you please, Miss McCarthy?
Well, I...
Go ahead, Miss McCarthy.
Repeat that statement.
Well,
well, beginning with the
first movement moderato,
the second movement is
lento, tres passionné
with the sixth bar espressivo.
The balance of the composition
is interpreted as indicated,
namely, en glissant, ad libitum, rubato,
avec beaucoup d'expression
and allegro molto vivace
with a cross indicating
pizzicato with the left hand
and a chromatic scale
glide with one finger.
Remember, break fast
when I fake to the guard.
How, when my bustle's dragging?
If you want a real workout,
try guarding that McCarthy.
Where'd she learn to play like that?
She said something about
the YWCA in Brooklyn.
Had to hand it to her
she certainly makes the team click.
Where's Diane?
She's in the rain.
Diane.
Here.
You better get up to
the deans office fast
your pop's trying to
make Benson expel Molly.
He can't force him to do that.
Maybe not, but he says
he'll withdraw his financial support
unless she gets thrown out.
Oh.
What's the dean saying?
When I left, he was saying no
but you better get up there.
If he cans Molly, we
got no basketball team.
And if he keeps her, we got no school.
Oh I'm sorry girls,
we were trying to clean up
before anybody come in.
Oh that's all right, Slats.
Go right ahead.
We're gonna write jokes
for the school play.
Jokes?
I wish we had a couple
of jokes to give ya.
What do you mean, wish we had a couple?
- I said...
- I got a joke.
You got a joke?
A brand-new one I wrote myself.
- Where'd you get it?
- I wrote it.
- Ah, stop.
- Yes I did Slats, I did.
You wrote a joke?
It's a brand-new joke, and
I'd like to tell the girls
for the first time I
think they'll like it.
Is it brand new?
Maybe they can use it for the show.
Hey that's a good idea.
The only thing is, I
tell this one by myself.
I don't need you.
Well that's all right, that's all right.
But you say it's brand new?
Yeah.
- Nobody's ever heard it?
- No.
And I tell the story while
you keep your mouth shut.
It's about a whale, a ship and Jonah.
And it's brand new?
Very brand-new story, yeah.
Now once upon a time, there was a whale.
What kind of whale?
What kind of whale?
A plain everyday whale.
All right, I'm sorry.
How do I know what kind of whale?
What do you think I do,
go around with whales?
Don't try and make a fool out
of me in front of the girls.
All right, go ahead.
I mean, a plain everyday
whale, that's all.
So, it's a whale.
How do I know what kind?
All right.
Now the whale was in the ocean.
- What ocean?
- It was...
Oh wait a minute...
Go on, pick out an ocean go ahead.
That's immaterial to me.
All right the Immaterial Ocean.
Now, the whale's in the immaterial Ocean
is minding his own business,
but he's followin' a ship.
- What ship?
- And this ship...
What ship?
A ship that swims in the water.
You mean, a swim ship?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Now, the whale was following
a swim ship because he...
Whoever heard of a swim ship?
I asked you to keep your
mouth shut, didn't I?
You're telling the story.
You're getting me mad.
Wait a minute when do
we laugh at this thing?
They're laughin' before
they're supposed to.
Don't laugh now.
I didn't say nothin' yet.
Let's hear it.
Now the whale was in the
ocean she was very hungry,
and Captain Jonah was captain of the boat.
He didn't want the whale
to capsize the boat...
What?
- To capsize the boat...
- Capsize?
Yeah.
You know what that means?
Sure, I do.
I don't put words like that in stories
if I don't know what they are.
He didn't want the whale
to capsize the boat...
What does it mean?
- Capsize?
- Capsize.
That's a big word.
Well what does it mean?
- You know what it means?
- Well sure.
What does it mean?
What does capsize mean?
That's a nice word.
Well what does it mean?
- Capsize.
- Capsize.
It's like six and seven-eighths,
seven and a quarter.
All right go ahead.
So he didn't want the whale
to six and seven-eighths the boat.
So Captain Jonah was captaining the boat
and he was afraid he'd lose passengers
so Captain Jonah figured
the only thing he could do
is throw over the whale
a barrel of apples.
What kind of apples?
- And, and...
- What kind of apples?
Apples that grow on a tree.
Well, there's all kinds of apples.
There's Baldwin apples...
Crab apples.
Tell the girls that.
So he threw in over a
barrel of crab apples.
Take it easy, take it easy.
He's got me mad at you kids now.
All right just take it easy.
After the whale ate the apples,
the whale was still hungry
that Captain Jonah figured
the only thing he could do
is he could throw the
whale over the stool.
What kind of stool, who said that?
I did just in case you asked me.
He threw him over a
three-legged camp stool.
Now the whale ate the apples
and the whale ate the stool
and the whale was still hungry.
His appetite had not been appeased.
Don't ask me what that is I don't know.
I won't, all right go ahead.
So, after the whale ate the
apples and he ate the stool,
the whale was still hungry
and then Captain Jonah figured
the only way he could save
his passengers for this boat
is to sacrifice himself.
- Yes.
- And he did.
He threw a beautiful jackknife dive
right into the mouth of the whale.
Now the whale ate Captain
Jonah, ate the apples,
ate the stool and then
the whale swam away.
Three years later, they
caught that very same whale.
Oliver.
They cut him open.
Hey wait a minute.
And what do you think they found?
Oliver, just a minute.
Not now, not now.
He says something and then
I tell you the funny joke.
Wait a minute Oliver.
Just a minute.
Now you're not coming
up here this afternoon
in front of these girls
and trying to give them for
their little play, a joke,
an old wheeze,
about the time they caught the
whale and they cut him open
and there they found
Jonah seated on that stool
selling those apples three
for a nickel, are you?
Wait a minute.
That's not the story you...
Oh, no, no.
No, I'm sorry it couldn't be that
because he promised us
it was a brand-new joke
he wrote it himself.
So it couldn't be that
because every little
schoolboy knows that joke.
I'm sorry I interrupted go ahead.
You tell the girls what they found
when they cut the whale open.
Now, wait a minute please.
Give Oliver a chance.
After all, he wrote this himself.
You girls can use it in
the play right ahead.
Now go ahead.
Tell the girls what they found
when they cut the whale open.
Don't laugh girls please
he'll blame me for this.
I thought it was a buildup
to that old joke that every
little schoolboy knows.
He wouldn't dare tell that one, go ahead.
You know the answer don't you?
Huh?
What's the matter don't you feel good?
Hmm?
You go ahead and tell the joke,
and then we'll go inside
and clean the other room.
Go ahead, no here.
Tell it right here.
Oliver?
Hey Oliver.
Oliver, something wrong?
Come on now I didn't mean any harm.
Oliver.
Was that the joke you
wanted to tell these girls?
Boys, boys here's a note from Molly.
- A note?
- Uh-huh.
What is this?
Hey get a load of this.
Dear Slats and Oliver, I am leaving Bixby.
If you're ready to leave too
meet me at the front gate
at 8 o'clock tonight.
Signed, Molly.
She can't leave.
Wait a minute
if she's leaving, she
must have a good reason,
and I'm going with her.
I'm going with you too.
Oliver aren't you
gonna kiss me good-bye?
Yes, Patty.
Patty, the time has come to say good-bye.
Patty, the time has come to say good-bye.
Patty, the time has come...
- You just said that.
- You shut up.
Good-bye.
I feel just like Donald O'Connor.
Whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo.
Slats.
- No, it's Larry.
- Oh.
You can't run away like this Molly.
- Why not?
- Because I won't let you.
My mind's made up.
Oh I know, Diane and Patty told me
what you must have
overheard in the shower,
but I won't let you throw
away your scholarship
just because of Kirkland.
That has nothing to do with it.
Well hasn't Bixby
come up to your dreams?
Dreams?
Oh, you mean that magazine article.
That was Slat's dream, not mine.
He made up the whole thing
for a publicity story.
You're joking.
That's why I came here.
Slats said we could get more
pictures, more publicity
and since we can't, well, that's that.
I see.
No, I don't see.
Oh that doesn't fit at
all with your good grades
and your interest in your work
and it fits far too perfectly
with Kirkland's blowup.
Well, after I came, I did
sort of fall for this school.
Enough to walk out to save it?
Well there's no sense in staying
if my being here means that
Kirkland will close the place.
I thought that was it.
And that's why you must stay.
Don't you understand,
if you go Kirkland will
think I've given in to him.
If he thinks I've given into him once,
he'll expect me to give in all the time.
Everything I've planned for
the school will be banned.
I didn't see it that way.
Neither did I,
not until I realized
how much I'd miss you.
We'd better be getting back.
And you could do all those things
if it weren't for Kirkland
and his stuffy traditions?
I'd like to think that I could.
We go this way I believe.
I go that way,
unless you want Miss Holford
to catch you sneaking a
runaway girl into the dorm.
You go that way.
May I have my bags, Dean Benson?
It's Larry, outside of office hours.
May I have em, Larry?
- Good night, Molly.
- Good night.
She's very attractive, isn't she?
I guess I inherited it from father,
the habit of thinking that
everything would turn out
just exactly as I planned it.
- Diane...
- Don't say anything, Larry.
Remember whatever
happens, I'm on your side.
Just 100 more students,
and their tuition will make
Larry independent of Kirkland.
That's where I come in.
What this school needs is publicity.
We've got to tell the world
how happy you are here.
Yeah and that would make
every girl wanna go to Bixby.
Oh but I promised the dean...
Now wait a minute.
If we only had the pictures I took of you
when you first arrived.
- I've got 'em.
- You've got 'em?
- Yeah.
- Where?
Over here.
I took 'em out of Johnson's room.
Oh, boy what a lucky guy that
Benson was when he hired us.
Oh I think we ought to
talk to Larry about this.
Quick, hide under the bed.
No, no, no, no here in the closet.
In the closet, quick.
Hurry, get in.
Now don't say a word, I'll...
Wait a minute come here
what are you doing in there?
Get out of there.
Go answer the door.
But the door didn't say nothin'.
- Go see who's at the door.
- Okay.
Whoo.
Where is she where's Molly?
Molly, I don't even know the girl.
Here I am.
- Ha.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- All right.
- You're in a jam.
Miss Holford knows you're out
and Johnson's out snooping around for you
and if you're caught here,
the boys will be fired
and you'll be expelled.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, Johnson's on his way over here.
Now wait a minute, wait
a minute don't get excited.
Get her out the window
quick I'll stall 'em off.
Here put that in your pocket.
Okay go ahead.
No, Oliver.
Help me.
Well if she ain't in there,
why won't you let me in?
Everything's in a mess.
- Oh, it is?
- Yeah.
After me tellin' you guys
to keep everything clean?
We washed all the dishes,
and we can't do a thing with them.
Ahh.
Now wait a minute take it easy.
Take it easy now wait a minute.
Can you imagine Mr. Johnson
if he ever found a girl in this room?
- Yeah, I'm a girl.
- I know it.
Out the window.
Hurry up.
I can't there's no time, under the bed.
Not you, me.
I said I was comin'
in, and I'm comin' in.
Mr. Johnson.
Oh, boy, oh.
Fancy meeting you here.
Now, you see,
Miss McCarthy is not here.
- Is she, Oliver?
- Oh, no.
Miss McCarthy was never here.
No get out of the way.
All right, all right take it easy.
Well, maybe she ain't,
but I got a hunch she's comin' here.
Then why not stick around and see?
Why don't you sleep here all night?
- Oh, no, Slats...
- That's a good idea.
Sleep here all night, if you wish.
I'll sleep in the living
room on the couch.
Slats look never mind.
I'll sleep out there you sleep in here.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look Slats I'm tryin' to tell you that...
No, no, no, Oliver.
You see, he's afraid to sleep by himself.
Every night I have to look under the beds
to make sure there's no one there.
Well I'll do that for you tonight.
Wait a minute.
Left hand please, left hand.
Give me your left hand.
What are you doing, what are you doing?
Oh he loves to dance.
I like to dance before I go to bed.
Look, all right, all right, all right.
Go ahead, pack in boys I'll sleep outside.
Pleasant dreams.
Okay.
Come on it's gettin'
late, get undressed.
Oh, no.
Wait a minute, what are you gonna do?
Put these under the bed.
Not under this bed.
Look Mr. Johnson, let me polish them.
I'll clean them for you.
First thing in the morning,
I'll give you your shoes.
You don't wanna go out
with dirty shoes do you?
All right, I'll take this bed.
No, not this bed Mr. Johnson.
Please, this one over
here go ahead Mr. Johns...
It's a much better bed.
It's a very hard bed on this side.
This is a very good bed.
The mattress is wonderful.
It's down, the whole thing.
Down, down, down.
Down.
Mr. Johnson,
I made a mistake.
Will you please take the other bed?
Why?
I think you'll sleep better.
Please take the other bed.
Oh they both look alike to me.
I know, but it's a much better bed
I know you're gonna love this here one.
Whoo.
Get under the bed.
Mr. Johnson,
I think my first choice was the best one.
Why don't you make up your mind?
Don't forget it.
Make up your mind.
You.
I'm gonna go to sleep
with you, Mr. Johnson,
and I'll put on my pajamas.
Thank you.
Hey.
Get your head in there.
Hey.
Hey, you, get out, get out.
What's the matter?
I gotta get you out.
Get out.
Get out.
Hurry up, get out.
Out.
Get your hands...
What's this out business?
I, I was tryin' to get your head out.
It was hurtin'.
Ahh.
I'll never get any rest in...
What happened to my shoes?
What did you do with my shoes?
I want my shoes.
I want my head.
I mean, good night.
Get a load of Kirkland.
Why, the old wolf.
Open it up Patty.
Yeah let's see the rest.
Okay.
Oh stash it, here comes Romeo.
Get Diane and Molly and bring
them to the furnace room.
Oh, Mr. Kirkland,
swell publicity and a nice picture of you.
Mind your own business, will you?
Oliver, the furnace room, quick.
Okay.
- Oliver, hurry up.
- All right.
Gee, gimme a chance.
- Yeah, give him a chance.
- I just said that.
Oh, that's where I heard it.
How are we going to find out
what's going on in the deans office?
Oh that's simple as A, B.
What comes after B?
- C.
- C?
Tell you what you do, come here.
Now look, this is my secret.
Don't tell anybody, nobody at all.
All I gotta do is turn this on.
Follow me come here.
And not only
does this magazine cover
make a fool out of me,
but it's a disgrace to all Bixby.
The deans office.
No in the contrary
I think it makes both you and the school
appear refreshingly human.
Attaboy, Larry.
And this scandalous notoriety
was prepared with your approval.
Well certainly not, but I do think
it is going to prove a
real help to the school.
I'll tell you what's going to prove
a real help to the school
now, today, the expulsion of Miss McCarthy
and your resignation as dean.
You forget that my contract
runs till the end of the school term.
You mean you intend to hold
the regents to that contract?
For the good of the school, yes.
Very well, young man.
You'll be a dean without a school.
I will demand the delinquent
mortgage payments immediately
and by the end of the week
I'll close the whole school up
and I'll keep it closed
until your contract expires.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, wouldn't I?
You just wait till Monday and see.
Isn't there any way out?
Not unless we can raise enough
money to pay that mortgage.
Is there $20,000 in the house?
We could take up a collection.
I have $1.80 in my piggy bank.
I know the kids will chip in.
I'll tell you what we can do
that we can raise a lot of money,
we could bet on a horse race.
Yeah, all we need is a sure-fire horse,
guaranteed to pay 100-to-1.
I know a basketball
game that'll pay 20-to-1.
- Our team against Carlton?
- Mm-hmm.
At 20-to-1, we'll only
have to raise $1,000.
$1,000, that's a lot of money.
- You can say that again.
- Okay.
$1,000 is a lot of money.
This ought to bring in enough money
to bet on the basketball game.
I hope so.
It's good for you.
- What is this?
- Oyster stew.
- Any oysters in it?
- Certainly not.
Whoever heard of an oyster
stew with an oysters?
I'm afraid of oysters.
All right go ahead and eat it.
Not with a fork, a spoon.
What are you doing?
I think there's a wild oyster in there.
What are you talking about?
- There is Slats.
- Oh, stop.
Look at that, there's no oysters in there.
Now go ahead and eat your
stew and behave yourself
- I'm reading the paper.
- Okay.
What are you doing over there?
Oooh.
What's the matter with you?
Shh quiet.
Would you stop splashing?
What are you doing?
Oh, wipe yourself off.
Here they are.
Hello, Oliver.
How much money did you get?
$504.82.
Isn't there anyone that'll
bet 40-to-1 on Carlton?
20-to-1 is the best we can get.
We've got to promote another 500.
- Yes.
- Here.
- Hear what I have to say.
- Ahh.
I mean...
Hey, wait a minute.
I've got an idea, don't go away.
McGurk.
Hiya, Slats.
Well, well you're good for sore eyes.
Say are you still wrestling
for those big purses tiger?
- No, not me.
- No more?
I'm working for Murphy now.
That's me the Masked Marvel.
Is that...?
I'm making enough dough to
buy me banana-fudge sundaes.
Is that you?
Hey, wait a minute.
How would you like to make $500?
- 500 bucks.
- Don't get excited.
What do I have to do?
I am not gonna wrestle that big guy.
Oh yes, you will.
No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.
- No, I won't.
I said you would
I won't.
You're a coward.
All right, but I'm a live coward.
Oh come on, let's get...
Where's Honest Dan?
He's not in here.
Say what are you two
doing in here anyhow?
Doing?
Oliver here is going to
wrestle the Masked Marvel.
Oh, Oliver, you're gonna wres...
Gimme the hat.
- Wanna ruin your hat?
- Excuse me.
I'm gonna make a bet on this.
Hey, did you hear that?
Shut up.
I told you to stay away
from those soda fountains.
Hi, Dan.
Strangler Johnson, am I glad to see you.
Are you still in good shape?
Sure, why?
I'll give you $50 if you'll
be the Masked Marvel tonight.
What's the matter with him?
He ate too many banana-fudge sundaes.
You mean I'd get to wrestle
that little guy across the hall?
Yeah.
Ha, give me that mask.
I'm not gonna wrestle the Masked Marvel.
- Why not?
- I'm scared.
Why?
He's as big as a bull.
Well then wrestle him like a bull.
Look, just walk into that
arena like a matador,
jump into the ring like a toreador,
and wrestle him like a picador.
And they'll carry me
out like a cuspidor.
No, come on, get this off.
I'm tellin' ya Slats, I
am not gonna wrestle him.
He's too big.
- I won't.
- You will.
- I won't.
- You will.
I won't, he's too big.
I don't care how big he is.
He don't scare me.
- Excuse me.
- You know...
Oliver, Oliver, my hero.
Here's a rabbit's foot for luck.
Here's a rabbit's foot for luck.
The rabbit had four of 'em,
it didn't do him any good.
Ah, don't worry I'm right behind ya.
Feel that.
Yeah.
Feel that, that's enough let go.
- What's the matter?
- Let go.
You're squeezin' too tight.
Well, good luck ooh.
Oh come on, get in the
ring, get in the ring.
All right, all right.
You see that?
Don't worry about a thing.
What are you doing?
Get over here.
Come over here and sit down.
Come over here and sit down.
Now, get with it.
Go ahead.
What are you doing down there?
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting the Bixby Bulldog
Oliver Quackenbush.
- I don't wanna wrestle.
- Shh, quiet.
Everything's all right.
And now, the
champion of all champions
the Masked Marvel.
If the Masked Marvel is defeated,
the Bixby Bulldog will receive $1,000.
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Did you see what he did?
It's all right, all right
take it easy take it easy.
Listen, everything is fixed.
Don't worry about a thing, you
are going to win this match.
What do you mean everything's fixed?
It's all in the bag,
I've arranged everything.
Why do you wait until now to tell me?
Because you've got too big a mouth
you'd have went and
splattered it all over.
Now listen, we've got to win
this $1,000 for the school.
We've got to have it.
Now it's up to you to
get in there and do it.
It's all fixed, he won't
harm you in the least.
Is that masked guy in on it?
- Sure he is.
- He knows it's all fixed?
Certainly he does.
And this match is gonna help Patty?
Why it'll save the school.
Get your hands off you're
talkin' to a wrestler.
Attaboy now you're talkin'.
Take it easy, take it easy.
- For Bixby.
- That's it, for Bix...
- For Bixby.
- Take it easy.
All right take it easy.
Attaboy.
Go out there and give it to him.
- Come on.
- Take the coat.
The coat all right, here.
For Bixby.
Throw out your chest,
throw out your chest.
How far?
All right, throw it out.
I'm not through with it yet.
All right go ahead.
Attaboy.
Look at this.
Don't bruise me.
Come on, let's go.
- Gentlemen.
- Yes, sir.
This is gonna be a
clean wrestling match.
You can't hit in the stomach like this.
You can't gouge the eyes like this.
Oh, no, take it out, take it out.
And you can't use the
elbow like this.
So get to your corner
and come out wrestling.
Slats.
Slats.
Oliver, are you hurt?
Don't worry, it's all fixed.
Where's Sla-a-Ats?
Oliver, now you've got 'im.
I mean you had him.
Hello.
Oliver, it's for you.
Tell 'em I'm all tied up.
All right.
Take it easy.
You win.
Ooo-ooo-ooo.
I'll disqualify you
if you don't keep your
head out of the rope.
You're on top now Oliver.
Oliver, play fair.
Thanks, very much.
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Oliver, get up off that floor.
I can't.
Get up off the floor.
Listen, Oliver, now don't be...
Boy, am I in a mess.
Whoo.
Now you've got him Oliver.
Floor him, Oliver.
The winner.
Oh, Ollie.
So you're permitting
competitive athletics.
Another violation of tradition.
That's right.
Final gesture of defiance
before I close the school, huh?
I don't think you'll
close the school, Dad,
thanks to those girls and the caretakers.
What's that?
There's one thing you've
accomplished Mr. Kirkland.
Your attitude has given Bixby
more real spirit than
it's ever had before.
You wanna bet money on Bixby?
Yeah, what odds?
Against Bixby, 20-to-1
on anything from backgammon to baseball.
20-to-1?
I got a thousand dollars
I wanna bet on Bixby
to beat Carlton in the basketball game.
$1,000 that's a lot of money.
Mm-hmm.
Go on, Dan, take it.
Okay, it's a bet, 20-to-1.
- He accepted it.
- So what?
Now I gotta bet.
That's what we want.
Look you, you have the
money over at the game,
because as soon as it's finished,
the big payoff must come.
I'll be there.
- What was that?
- Nuts.
- Hmph, hmph, hmph.
- All right.
Hmph, hmph, hmph.
Here, here, here.
That's makin' an easy $1,000.
There's something you don't know.
Bixby has a pretty good team.
Why'd you talk me into coverin' a grand?
There's something else you don't know.
That Carlton coach and
me are just like that,
and I'm going over to Carlton.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Bill Stern speaking
from Carlton College.
And now we bring you today's
long-shot sports event
the unknown, unheralded girls'
basketball team from Bixby
as they attempt to upset
the undefeated conference
champions from Carlton.
While the teams are taking
their last warm-up shots,
I think it's about time for me
to run down the starting lineup.
For Bixby, at right
forward, Molly McCarthy.
At left forward, Hortense Harris.
At center.
Yeah, Bixby, Bixby, Bixby, yeah.
She's great.
You know, Patty, - Huh?
She's almost as good as Daisy Dimple,
the world's champion
girl basketball player.
Almost as good.
We're gonna beat you.
We're gonna beat...
That's the third basket in a row
for this fast-breaking Bixby team.
Bixby six, Carlton nothing.
You said they'd be here before the game.
That's what they told me.
What's the meaning of this?
Excuse us grandpa,
but we gotta get to Carlton College quick.
You going that way?
As a matter of fact I am...
We're goin' with ya.
Oh you're going with me?
And the half ends with
the amazing Bixby team
leading by a score of 20 to 16.
Across the floor where the
Bixby stands are really jumping,
their band and glee club
are preparing some between
the house entertainment,
so let's switch down to
our floor microphone.
Bixby, Bixby yeah.
Oh, here you are my dear.
Sit right here Dad, I
saved the best seat for you.
Thanks.
Hey.
Look at those big amazings.
Amazons.
They dwarf the other girls.
There's not one of them
less than six feet tall.
They're giants or maybe I
ought to say giantesses.
Now remember, we'll get
that McCarthy girl first.
She's number three.
Are you all right Molly?
- Are you all right Molly?
- I'm okay.
Take care of her, Oliver.
Our best player.
Okay, I'll take care of her.
Molly McCarthy is leaving
the floor limping badly.
Oh that's a terrible break for Bixby,
for Molly's been the
spark plug of their team.
The horn blows, and the game goes on.
Any more of that rough stuff
I'll forfeit the game to Bixby.
Now the referee is knocked out cold.
That last basket counts.
Carlton is now in the lead 22 to 20.
They're carrying the referee
out and Lucille Walters,
the Bixby center who was
hurt on that same play.
This surprise Carlton team
is big and rough, very rough.
There are no substitutes
left on the Bixby bench
and no referee.
I wonder what Bixby will do now?
The coaches are talking it over
in front of the Bixby bench.
Anybody you want is okay with me.
Slats, go in and referee
the rest of the game.
But we have no more substitutes.
Oh yes we have.
Me.
Can you dribble?
No, but I can drool a little.
Oh.
Whoo-oo.
Pooh.
Don't run with it give it to somebody.
Here I don't either.
I don't want it either.
I don't want it.
I thought this game was for big girls,
not for little girls like me.
Mabel here with me, I got it.
Oh.
Come on, Mabel, atta girl.
Oh.
Those last eight points were
practically given to Carlton
by Bixby's substitute center
who is probably the worst
basketball player I've ever seen.
- What do I do with it?
- Throw it away.
Okay.
Oh.
Oliver, you threw it
in the wrong basket.
Oliver.
Oliver, are you all right?
Oh, my head.
Who are you?
Why, I'm Patty.
Please to meet ya.
- Who are you?
- I'm Slats.
Never saw you before in my life.
My head, my head.
That bump must've knocked him whacky.
Ohhh, who am I?
Why, well you're a...
You're Daisy Dimple,
the greatest girl basketball
player in the world.
- I am?
- Yeah.
Then on with the game.
On with the game.
Let's go.
Positions, girls, positions.
It's in, it's in.
This amazing girl has just made the score
28 for Bixby to Carlton's 30.
The game's nearly over.
Another basket will tie the score.
And Bixby ties the score at 30 to 30.
There are only seconds left to play.
That substitute center's unbelievable,
incredible, impossible,
she's a one-girl tornado.
Come on, out of that.
Come on get up.
Up, there we are.
Hello Patty, hello Slats.
- Hello, Daisy.
- Daisy?
My name is Oliver.
No, no, your name's Daisy.
I'm a boy.
My name never was Daisy.
It is now.
Oh, did I hurt you, Oliver?
Who are you calling Oliver?
My name is Daisy, please.
Positions, girls, positions.
Everybody, positions.
Hmph, Oliver.
Never heard of the boy.
My head, Whoo.
What's this?
Hey, throw it to me, Oliver.
Me, Oliver throw it.
And Carlton wins 32 to 30.
I won't tell you how
you'd never believe me.
Lois, Louise, I didn't
mean to lose the game,
because I did my best.
Patty?
I tried hard.
Hey, Slats, I didn't
mean to lose the game.
Everybody thinks I
wanted to lose the game.
Paying off is a pleasure
when you save me all this dough.
The little guy thought
he was gonna be a hero.
I told you
everything was in the bag.
Well here's the payoff.
Slats.
Where'd you get that money?
I stole the money and
I'm gonna wind up in jail
but at least I'll save Bixby.
Come on, come on.
Step on it, grandpa
those guys have my dough.
Say what am I a taxi?
Look at the big fish hook.
Fish hook?
That's the anchor that goes overboard.
Get up.
I can't stop the boat.
Now look what you've done.
Headin' us right back into trouble.
Come on, help me raise this sail.
Come on, come on, come
on stay in the boat.
Lift it up.
Hurry up.
What are you pushing me out here for?
There's more room over there.
What are you trying
to do, break that boom?
Come on in here.
Get out of the way.
Will you watch out?
Look out.
Spread out.
Silly drivers.
Outta the way.
Slats, pull me in.
Hey, watch where you're goin'.
Phh, ohh.
Get it out.
Oh, oh.
That hurts.
Stay on the road.
Keep it on the road, keep it on the road.
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
Get 'em off.
Come on what's wrong with you?
I mean, after all...
What's the matter with you?
Just a little more, Slats.
Come on, Slats.
Well, we saved the school.
There's your money.
That not your money
that belongs to the boys.
But Carlton won.
Oh no they didn't.
They had a professional team
playing for them, the Amazons.
Well he played for
Bixby, and he's a ringer.
Five ringers to one, the
game is forfeited to Bixby.
You heard that five ringers to one.
Hey that's my dough.
Where's our dough?
Here's your money, Oliver.
Here's the money, Slats.
Here's the money Dean.
Here's the money, Mr. Kirkland.
Well, right back from where we started.
You shouldn't be cheering for me.
Do your yelling for the
man who has taught me
what real school spirit means,
Oliver Quackenbush.
Hooray.
Hooray.
Hooray.
And may I add, well done, Oliver.
Well done.
It certainly is.
No, thank you for the lesson.
Slats, why aren't you at work?
Well sis, I'm waiting for the boss.
You've been fired again?
Certainly not.
I want him to give you a raise
for the publicity I got you.
Now look.
Molly McCarthy, Miramar instructor says,
"I'm saving my money to go to Bixby,"
"the college of my dreams."
You see it?
I've seen nothing else for three days.
Hello, Miss College.
What do you hear from Einstein?
Well what's wrong with that?
I'll publicize you right
into bright lights.
Or into a padded cell.
Why don't you mix a little
truth with your publicity?
This is nothing but the truth.
Look at that
I found out there really is a
college by the name of Bixby.
I found it out, on the level.
Where you going, sis?
Home before you publicize me
into playing shortstop
for the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Hey, wait a minute
that's not a bad idea.
Why I'll break every front page
in the country with that story,
- or my name is not...
- McCarthy.
Oh-oh, hello boss.
- Goldbricking, again, huh?
- No.
Then maybe you're still working here?
I hope so.
- Then get to work.
- Okay.
And make sure your pal gets to work too,
- or you're both fired.
- Okay, boss.
Dance, Mr. McCarthy?
Oh, yes, surely.
Is Mr. Quackenbush working this evening?
Oh he's around some place,
I don't know where.
Hello.
How do you do?
Let's sit this one out.
Sit it out?
Thank you ever so much.
Sit down.
You know, I really don't like dancing
because it's nothing but
hugging set to music.
What don't you like about it?
The music.
Oh, my.
Aha!
You snake in the grass.
You wolf in sheep's clothing.
You worm, at last, I found you.
You're the rat who lured
my wife away from me.
I'm gonna teach you a
lesson you'll never forget.
And as for you.
You are no longer my wife.
No longer your wife?
I never was your wife.
Huh?
Why, you...
Remarkable resemblance.
I could have sworn you were my wife.
Boy, do I feel silly.
How do you think I feel?
May I apologize on the floor?
Yes.
Why don't you apologize to me?
I'm on the floor.
What in the world are you into now?
Come on.
Come over here.
What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?
You tell me you're too tired to dance
and as soon as my back is
turned, you play in the sand.
Never mind that.
Now stop this nonsense and get to work.
Hello, Mr. Quackenbush.
How do you do?
Shall we dance, or would
you rather sit this one out?
I sat the last one out, let's dance.
Thank you.
Aha!
You home wrecker.
For weeks I've tried to find you,
and now I've caught you two together.
How dare you try to steal
my wife away from me?
Did he try to steal your wife?
You know he tried to...
Well, you look just like my wife.
Oh I beg your pardon it's all a mistake.
I regret it exceedingly.
- Shall we finish this dance?
- Yes.
I hope you don't think I'm drunk.
It's quite all right.
I'm a little potted myself.
What, again?
Didn't I tell you not to play in the sand?
Now get up, get up on your feet, get up.
Didn't I tell you not to play in the sand?
- Who's playing in the sand?
- You.
Now listen here to me.
I'm not playing in no sand.
What were you doing down there?
- Bad eyes.
- Now it's bad eyes?
Not me, some crazy guy around here.
Every time the guy sees me with a girl
he thinks it's his wife.
So what?
He says to me like this, he says Aha.
You're the snake in wolf's clothing,
you're the wolf in the grass.
How dare you steal my wife away from me.
What are you...
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Stealing that little man's wife.
Madam, madam.
Whoo-oo.
Are you destructful.
Who was she?
That must be that crazy guy's wife.
Aha!
That's him.
Hey, what happened here?
Now if you say Aha,
I'll knock ya down again.
Hey, wait a minute.
You hit the boss.
Let's get out of here.
All right break it out, break it out.
Wait, we'll take this car.
It don't belong to us.
What's the difference get in there.
Go ahead, go ahead, start it up.
Hey.
Come back with that car.
Well I'm glad we got out of that jam.
Yeah I hope we can get this car back
before the people miss it.
Calling cars 11, 12, 14 and 15.
Cars 11, 12, 14 and 15.
Be on the lookout for car 13.
It has just been stolen.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, how do you like that?
Somebody stole a police car.
I feel sorry for that chump.
Here is a description
of the men who stole the police car.
Number one: Medium height,
slender, blue eyes.
Number two: Short, fat and stupid.
Tsk, tsk, tsk couple of chumps.
Yeah, we don't know 'em.
Blow your horn and get
around that taxicab.
- Uh-uh, must be a fire.
- Fire?
The siren's on
somebody's comin' I guess.
Come on.
I don't see any fire.
I pulled over anyway.
Well, all right.
Get around that taxicab, will you, please?
Here comes the fire department again.
- Wait a minute.
- What's the matter?
You're the one that
stole the police car.
- Me?
- Yes.
- I stole a police car?
- This is a police car.
This is?
See ya later.
You're gonna drive this car.
Now drive it back the
police will understand.
You sure the cops are gonna understand?
Certainly they'll understand.
Then you drive it.
Come here.
Drive the car, come on drive the car.
- How can I drive?
- Drive the car go ahead.
- How can I drive?
- Drive the car.
Leave my head.
There you are, you got it.
Here's the wheel over here.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
Look out where you're driving.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Go on, beat it we're busy.
We brought your car back.
I haven't got time to
listen to that kind...
It's them, grab them.
Now wait a minute.
Wait a minute what's going on here?
Well these are the men
that stole our police car.
No, no, no we didn't steal it,
we took it by mistake.
Didn't we bring it back?
Doesn't that prove that we're honest?
I can see that, most
men would have run away.
Release them boys.
Oh no, not until we pay
for the gasoline we used.
That won't be necessary.
Chief, we insist
after all we used your
gas we wanna pay for it.
Very well, measure it Flanagan.
Measure it Flanagan.
- Yes, sir.
- Measure it.
About a sixth of a gallon.
Oh, a sixth of a gallon.
Well I think I have enough
here to cover that thank you.
There you are, Chief.
Thank you it's a pleasure to meet
fine conscientious citizens like you.
Thank you, Chief.
- Have one of my cigars.
- Thank you.
Oh by the way, just a minute tat, tat.
- Have one of my matches.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, please.
Have a match, that's it.
Fine smoke, right?
Hurry up, Oliver.
But what will you boys do?
That's all right we'll get along.
We better get along right
now, out the fire escape.
Oliver, Oliver.
Come on, out.
Oliver, no Oliver.
There's no fire escape there.
I just found that out.
Hurry up, Oliver.
All right, all right take
it easy, take it easy.
Are you all right?
Get up on your feet.
Quick, hide.
Come on, hurry up.
- Miss McCarthy?
- Yes?
My name is Benson, Dean
Benson of Bixby College.
May I come in?
- Why, yes.
- Thank you.
I read the magazine article
about your ambition, and I...
- Hello, hello.
- Hello.
This is my brother Mr. McCarthy
and his friend Oliver Quackenbush.
How do you do?
This is the dean.
- The who?
- The dean.
- Dean?
- Dean.
Did you ever pitch for
the St. Louis Cardinals?
No as I was saying Miss McCarthy
I read the magazine article
and I'm here to award you the
Bixby Foundation scholarship.
Oh I'm afraid I can't...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, what is it worth?
It covers the tuition,
the registration fees,
room and board and all necessary expenses.
She'll take it.
Oh no I won't.
You see Slats and Oliver
just lost their jobs,
and well we're sort of
dependent on each other.
I couldn't possibly leave them.
Oh that's loyal of you.
What sort of work do you do?
Well practically anything.
Creative, executive.
Well I don't know whether
this would interest you or not,
but the school does need
two assistant caretakers.
Caretakers?
The job pays room and board.
Room and board?
You want us just to
work for room and board?
We'll take it.
Splendid.
I'll expect the three of you
at Bixby tomorrow afternoon.
We'll be there.
Bye.
I should've asked him for
passes for the football game.
They don't play football there.
That's a girls' college, Bixby.
There's 200 or 300 girls up there.
- 200 or 300 girls?
- Sure.
- At Bixby?
- Yeah.
- Girls' school?
- Mm-hmm.
We're gonna be the caretakers?
- Just you and I?
- Mm-hmm.
Caretakers for 200 or 300 girls?
So what?
Diane.
Where's Benson?
Where's he hiding?
Well isn't he in his office?
No, he is not in his office.
And you know his hideouts,
you know where he goes.
Where is he?
I tell you, Dad, you run along
and when I find him,
I'll have him phone you.
Phone me nothing.
Have you seen this?
Miramar Molly gets Bixby scholarship.
Yes, isn't it splendid?
Splendid?
To give Bixby's one
scholarship to a Miramar Molly?
Well that's what the dean said,
why should we continue to waste it
on girls able to pay their own tuition?
You act more like your
mother's mother every day.
Larry shh, shh.
Get back, get back.
- What's up?
- Dad's blood pressure.
Found out about the
McCarthy scholarship, hmm?
Well, might as well go
and have it out with him.
No Larry wait till he cools off.
I don't believe in dodging trouble.
Well please, for my sake.
I say, you there.
- Just a minute.
- Just a minute.
We don't want you in the picture.
There's not going to be any picture.
That's what I said
there ain't gonna be with your face in it.
Would you let me alone?
I'm chairman of the board of regents.
Well then go get a chair and sit down.
Come here, you.
You come down from there.
Come down from there I say.
We're not going to have anything
like this here at Bixby.
You're coming down off
of there, that's all.
Now you come down.
Take your hands off that girl.
Give me those films.
Wait a minute give me back my camera.
Johnson, throw them out.
I'll have you in juvenile court.
Gentlemen, gentlemen what's
the meaning of all this?
More vulgar notoriety,
that's the meaning of it.
I caught this Miramar Molly
with these magazine photographers.
They're not photographers.
This man is her brother,
that one is his friend.
I hired them last night as caretakers.
Yes, we didn't mean any harm.
Well, perhaps not.
But anyway I want these films destroyed.
Get rid of them, Johnson.
- Right.
- Give me those.
And, Johnson, show your new
assistants to their quarters.
Assistants, huh?
And we'll have no more
of your cheap publicity
tricks here Miss McCarthy.
You won't have...
Diane, will you show Miss
McCarthy to the dormitory?
Yes indeed, this way, Miss McCarthy.
And as for you young man...
Suppose we hold our
discussions in my office.
Very well.
This way, Mr. Kirkland.
Hello, chubby.
Excuse me, you dropped
your handkerchief.
Get dirty, better pick it up.
Hi, pudgy.
Excuse me.
Look, no flirting around here.
If you pick up a girl's
handkerchief, you're fired.
Hey, you're too rough.
Hello, butterball you're
new here, aren't ya?
My name's Patty what's yours?
Never mind, you can
tell me some other time.
See ya later.
She's cute.
As head of the board of regents
I demand that our sacred
traditions must be upheld.
Our old methods, our
tried and proven methods.
Are antiquated
and the condition of Bixby
when I took over proves it.
Not one modern course,
not one up-to-date method,
not one-fourth the enrollment
needed to meet expenses.
And may I ask who
has met those expenses?
Who has carried overdue
mortgages for 20 years?
You have.
But if you'd just let me
make this a real school...
Bixby was good enough for
my mother and her mother
and her mother's mother and
her mother's mother's mother.
Come on.
This is the caretakers' quarters.
Well you should get a
caretaker to take care of it.
That's just what you're for.
Get busy and clean up.
Okay.
Come on, get busy.
Hey, you.
There's only one reason why I
don't punch you in the nose.
And that's because I'm
bigger than you are.
I'm bigger than you are.
That's a better reason.
Get to it.
Well get busy.
Now hat are you doing, what are you doing?
Go ahead, here.
What a mess.
Aah.
Not in there, put it in
the wastepaper basket.
- Hey, Slats.
- What?
Hold that.
Hold it easy.
What are you doing?
Thank you again.
What are ya doin'?
The man said clean up
the place, didn't he?
Look I'll clean this room up
come here you go in the kitchen
there and wash the dishes.
Go ahead.
Why don't I take the dishes
and throw them in the spare room?
- Go in the kitchen.
- All right.
- Wash the dishes.
- All right.
Go ahead in there.
What are you doing,
what are you doing now?
Go to the kitchen and
wash the dishes, go ahead.
Slats, Slats.
Slats.
What are you doing,
what are you doing now?
Slats, get me out, get me out.
There you are.
What are you doing in
there, get out of there.
Get out of that.
If you wanna wash your face
why don't you use the sink over there?
Well I mean after all...
Never mind, now get on the
job and clean up this place.
Get that grease spot off that
wall and wash those dishes.
I won't, I won't, I won't.
I will.
Take care of that pan under the icebox.
Now get with it.
Just wanna be stubborn for a second.
When I said I won't, I won't, I won't,
I knew I was gonna say I will.
I usually do.
Window was closed.
Fresh water.
Good, fresh water.
Slats.
Hey, Oliver, hey Oliver.
If we can hold on to this job,
we'll be in the dough in no time.
I'm in it now.
You're in the dough?
Yeah, I'm wearin' it.
What are you doing now?
What is this here?
How did you get into this?
Wait a minute.
What did you get into now?
Get this thing off your feet.
Get this out of the way.
- Look at this mess.
- Wait a minute.
Quiet, all right, put 'em back.
Put 'em back.
There, that's it.
Put 'em back where they belong.
Hold on to me, get down.
Come on, get down.
Come on get down, get down.
Oh, look at this mess you're an...
Throw those away.
Throw 'em away.
Come 'ere what's the matter, what is it?
Look molasses glue.
Give me that, give me that.
- Oh good.
- Now look at this.
- Huh?
- Look at this.
Well let's both wear one.
Never mind that.
Give me that, give me that.
There you are.
- Huh?
- Look what you did.
Take it back.
Get a load of this mess.
Hold it, hold it, I'll get
you out, I'll get you out.
Get it off.
There you are, now take a hold of this.
Okay.
Hold on to it.
Oh, what a mess.
- Ahhh.
- What's the matter?
Get it off.
Oh, I don't know what
I'll ever do with you.
Always getting me into trouble,
you're always doing something.
Get rid of it.
Throw it out of here.
- Hey.
- Wait a minute, turn around.
I can't get the legs open.
Turn around, turn around.
I can't get my legs open.
Well turn around, here
I'll straighten you out.
Look, look.
Here all right.
Here you are here, hold it.
Never mind that take this off.
Can't get it off the pants.
Turn around.
Get my hand off the pants.
My hand off the pants.
Hold still.
Oh.
Put that down.
Turn around, here I'll get you out.
There you are.
Ahhh.
Look at this mess.
That's good.
Oh, look at this here.
What are you doing?
- Now, look.
- Now, listen.
Now don't get any on my
face 'cause I don't go for it.
Go wash those dishes.
Look at this mess.
Ahhh.
Wash the dishes.
Slats.
Do they sing like this every night?
Yeah, they're in a rut.
It's perfect, the whole
college, the girls, everything.
You should've seen it last semester
before Benson gave it a face-lift.
No athletics, no makeup,
no singing, no nothin'.
The dean really did a job around here.
He's nice, isn't he?
Remind me to ask Diane.
Diane?
Oh.
You just got time to clean
this room up before class.
That's all I heard for two weeks.
Just clean this up, clean that up,
scrub the floor, wash the dishes,
mow the lawn, rake up the leaves.
While all he does is shoot dice.
How do you know?
I found these in his room.
Oliver.
Hey, hide those dice.
Hurry up, hide 'em.
Oliver, I'm sorry I couldn't
keep our date last night.
Are ya mad at me?
Oh, Oliver speak to me.
What can I do to make
you accept my apology?
Oh, of course I'll kiss you.
Oh, I'm late, see ya later, bye.
What are you doing?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
Hey.
Did you swallow those dice?
Come on you guys, quit stallin'.
Hey what's the matter with him?
He swallowed your dice.
My dice?
I paid two bucks for those dice.
I could roll a seven anytime I wanted to.
I'm gonna get 'em out of you
if I have to choke 'em out.
Stand up there.
Stand still.
What's the matter?
Hold still.
Six.
Bet ya five bucks I can make it.
- That's a bet.
- Put it down there.
I mean Slats, what are you doing...
Quiet, come here.
Slats wait.
Get in there, get in there hurry up.
All right, get in there.
Turn around and hold still.
Two threes, I made it the hard way.
What do you think of that?
Marvelous.
Let 'er ride, go ahead.
- Okay.
- Put it down, cover it all.
I'm the only one ridin'
up and down the joint.
There ya are, come here.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I want a better shake than that.
- Now look.
- Come here, come here.
Get up here on that table.
How do you operate this thing?
I'll operate it.
You're gonna operate on who?
Now cut it out, cut it out.
- Lay down.
- Mama.
Slats, no more I can't take it Slats.
Get your feet together.
Slats, Slats.
Turn it off, Slats.
I'm afraid Slats, get me off.
Get up.
I win.
Boxcars.
That was very entertaining
but just what does that
teach the other pupils?
Miss Carroll,
will you please analyze the
composition you just heard?
Starting the first movement moderato,
the second movement is lento,
tres passionné, with the
sixth bar played espressivo.
The balance of the composition
is interpreted as indicated,
namely, en glissant, ad libitum, rubato,
avec beaucoup d'expression
and allegro molto vivace
with a cross indicating
pizzicato with the left hand
and a chromatic scale
glide with one finger.
I'd like to hear our scholarship student
repeat that description.
Will you please, Miss McCarthy?
Well, I...
Go ahead, Miss McCarthy.
Repeat that statement.
Well,
well, beginning with the
first movement moderato,
the second movement is
lento, tres passionné
with the sixth bar espressivo.
The balance of the composition
is interpreted as indicated,
namely, en glissant, ad libitum, rubato,
avec beaucoup d'expression
and allegro molto vivace
with a cross indicating
pizzicato with the left hand
and a chromatic scale
glide with one finger.
Remember, break fast
when I fake to the guard.
How, when my bustle's dragging?
If you want a real workout,
try guarding that McCarthy.
Where'd she learn to play like that?
She said something about
the YWCA in Brooklyn.
Had to hand it to her
she certainly makes the team click.
Where's Diane?
She's in the rain.
Diane.
Here.
You better get up to
the deans office fast
your pop's trying to
make Benson expel Molly.
He can't force him to do that.
Maybe not, but he says
he'll withdraw his financial support
unless she gets thrown out.
Oh.
What's the dean saying?
When I left, he was saying no
but you better get up there.
If he cans Molly, we
got no basketball team.
And if he keeps her, we got no school.
Oh I'm sorry girls,
we were trying to clean up
before anybody come in.
Oh that's all right, Slats.
Go right ahead.
We're gonna write jokes
for the school play.
Jokes?
I wish we had a couple
of jokes to give ya.
What do you mean, wish we had a couple?
- I said...
- I got a joke.
You got a joke?
A brand-new one I wrote myself.
- Where'd you get it?
- I wrote it.
- Ah, stop.
- Yes I did Slats, I did.
You wrote a joke?
It's a brand-new joke, and
I'd like to tell the girls
for the first time I
think they'll like it.
Is it brand new?
Maybe they can use it for the show.
Hey that's a good idea.
The only thing is, I
tell this one by myself.
I don't need you.
Well that's all right, that's all right.
But you say it's brand new?
Yeah.
- Nobody's ever heard it?
- No.
And I tell the story while
you keep your mouth shut.
It's about a whale, a ship and Jonah.
And it's brand new?
Very brand-new story, yeah.
Now once upon a time, there was a whale.
What kind of whale?
What kind of whale?
A plain everyday whale.
All right, I'm sorry.
How do I know what kind of whale?
What do you think I do,
go around with whales?
Don't try and make a fool out
of me in front of the girls.
All right, go ahead.
I mean, a plain everyday
whale, that's all.
So, it's a whale.
How do I know what kind?
All right.
Now the whale was in the ocean.
- What ocean?
- It was...
Oh wait a minute...
Go on, pick out an ocean go ahead.
That's immaterial to me.
All right the Immaterial Ocean.
Now, the whale's in the immaterial Ocean
is minding his own business,
but he's followin' a ship.
- What ship?
- And this ship...
What ship?
A ship that swims in the water.
You mean, a swim ship?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Now, the whale was following
a swim ship because he...
Whoever heard of a swim ship?
I asked you to keep your
mouth shut, didn't I?
You're telling the story.
You're getting me mad.
Wait a minute when do
we laugh at this thing?
They're laughin' before
they're supposed to.
Don't laugh now.
I didn't say nothin' yet.
Let's hear it.
Now the whale was in the
ocean she was very hungry,
and Captain Jonah was captain of the boat.
He didn't want the whale
to capsize the boat...
What?
- To capsize the boat...
- Capsize?
Yeah.
You know what that means?
Sure, I do.
I don't put words like that in stories
if I don't know what they are.
He didn't want the whale
to capsize the boat...
What does it mean?
- Capsize?
- Capsize.
That's a big word.
Well what does it mean?
- You know what it means?
- Well sure.
What does it mean?
What does capsize mean?
That's a nice word.
Well what does it mean?
- Capsize.
- Capsize.
It's like six and seven-eighths,
seven and a quarter.
All right go ahead.
So he didn't want the whale
to six and seven-eighths the boat.
So Captain Jonah was captaining the boat
and he was afraid he'd lose passengers
so Captain Jonah figured
the only thing he could do
is throw over the whale
a barrel of apples.
What kind of apples?
- And, and...
- What kind of apples?
Apples that grow on a tree.
Well, there's all kinds of apples.
There's Baldwin apples...
Crab apples.
Tell the girls that.
So he threw in over a
barrel of crab apples.
Take it easy, take it easy.
He's got me mad at you kids now.
All right just take it easy.
After the whale ate the apples,
the whale was still hungry
that Captain Jonah figured
the only thing he could do
is he could throw the
whale over the stool.
What kind of stool, who said that?
I did just in case you asked me.
He threw him over a
three-legged camp stool.
Now the whale ate the apples
and the whale ate the stool
and the whale was still hungry.
His appetite had not been appeased.
Don't ask me what that is I don't know.
I won't, all right go ahead.
So, after the whale ate the
apples and he ate the stool,
the whale was still hungry
and then Captain Jonah figured
the only way he could save
his passengers for this boat
is to sacrifice himself.
- Yes.
- And he did.
He threw a beautiful jackknife dive
right into the mouth of the whale.
Now the whale ate Captain
Jonah, ate the apples,
ate the stool and then
the whale swam away.
Three years later, they
caught that very same whale.
Oliver.
They cut him open.
Hey wait a minute.
And what do you think they found?
Oliver, just a minute.
Not now, not now.
He says something and then
I tell you the funny joke.
Wait a minute Oliver.
Just a minute.
Now you're not coming
up here this afternoon
in front of these girls
and trying to give them for
their little play, a joke,
an old wheeze,
about the time they caught the
whale and they cut him open
and there they found
Jonah seated on that stool
selling those apples three
for a nickel, are you?
Wait a minute.
That's not the story you...
Oh, no, no.
No, I'm sorry it couldn't be that
because he promised us
it was a brand-new joke
he wrote it himself.
So it couldn't be that
because every little
schoolboy knows that joke.
I'm sorry I interrupted go ahead.
You tell the girls what they found
when they cut the whale open.
Now, wait a minute please.
Give Oliver a chance.
After all, he wrote this himself.
You girls can use it in
the play right ahead.
Now go ahead.
Tell the girls what they found
when they cut the whale open.
Don't laugh girls please
he'll blame me for this.
I thought it was a buildup
to that old joke that every
little schoolboy knows.
He wouldn't dare tell that one, go ahead.
You know the answer don't you?
Huh?
What's the matter don't you feel good?
Hmm?
You go ahead and tell the joke,
and then we'll go inside
and clean the other room.
Go ahead, no here.
Tell it right here.
Oliver?
Hey Oliver.
Oliver, something wrong?
Come on now I didn't mean any harm.
Oliver.
Was that the joke you
wanted to tell these girls?
Boys, boys here's a note from Molly.
- A note?
- Uh-huh.
What is this?
Hey get a load of this.
Dear Slats and Oliver, I am leaving Bixby.
If you're ready to leave too
meet me at the front gate
at 8 o'clock tonight.
Signed, Molly.
She can't leave.
Wait a minute
if she's leaving, she
must have a good reason,
and I'm going with her.
I'm going with you too.
Oliver aren't you
gonna kiss me good-bye?
Yes, Patty.
Patty, the time has come to say good-bye.
Patty, the time has come to say good-bye.
Patty, the time has come...
- You just said that.
- You shut up.
Good-bye.
I feel just like Donald O'Connor.
Whoo-oo.
Whoo-oo.
Slats.
- No, it's Larry.
- Oh.
You can't run away like this Molly.
- Why not?
- Because I won't let you.
My mind's made up.
Oh I know, Diane and Patty told me
what you must have
overheard in the shower,
but I won't let you throw
away your scholarship
just because of Kirkland.
That has nothing to do with it.
Well hasn't Bixby
come up to your dreams?
Dreams?
Oh, you mean that magazine article.
That was Slat's dream, not mine.
He made up the whole thing
for a publicity story.
You're joking.
That's why I came here.
Slats said we could get more
pictures, more publicity
and since we can't, well, that's that.
I see.
No, I don't see.
Oh that doesn't fit at
all with your good grades
and your interest in your work
and it fits far too perfectly
with Kirkland's blowup.
Well, after I came, I did
sort of fall for this school.
Enough to walk out to save it?
Well there's no sense in staying
if my being here means that
Kirkland will close the place.
I thought that was it.
And that's why you must stay.
Don't you understand,
if you go Kirkland will
think I've given in to him.
If he thinks I've given into him once,
he'll expect me to give in all the time.
Everything I've planned for
the school will be banned.
I didn't see it that way.
Neither did I,
not until I realized
how much I'd miss you.
We'd better be getting back.
And you could do all those things
if it weren't for Kirkland
and his stuffy traditions?
I'd like to think that I could.
We go this way I believe.
I go that way,
unless you want Miss Holford
to catch you sneaking a
runaway girl into the dorm.
You go that way.
May I have my bags, Dean Benson?
It's Larry, outside of office hours.
May I have em, Larry?
- Good night, Molly.
- Good night.
She's very attractive, isn't she?
I guess I inherited it from father,
the habit of thinking that
everything would turn out
just exactly as I planned it.
- Diane...
- Don't say anything, Larry.
Remember whatever
happens, I'm on your side.
Just 100 more students,
and their tuition will make
Larry independent of Kirkland.
That's where I come in.
What this school needs is publicity.
We've got to tell the world
how happy you are here.
Yeah and that would make
every girl wanna go to Bixby.
Oh but I promised the dean...
Now wait a minute.
If we only had the pictures I took of you
when you first arrived.
- I've got 'em.
- You've got 'em?
- Yeah.
- Where?
Over here.
I took 'em out of Johnson's room.
Oh, boy what a lucky guy that
Benson was when he hired us.
Oh I think we ought to
talk to Larry about this.
Quick, hide under the bed.
No, no, no, no here in the closet.
In the closet, quick.
Hurry, get in.
Now don't say a word, I'll...
Wait a minute come here
what are you doing in there?
Get out of there.
Go answer the door.
But the door didn't say nothin'.
- Go see who's at the door.
- Okay.
Whoo.
Where is she where's Molly?
Molly, I don't even know the girl.
Here I am.
- Ha.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- All right.
- You're in a jam.
Miss Holford knows you're out
and Johnson's out snooping around for you
and if you're caught here,
the boys will be fired
and you'll be expelled.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, Johnson's on his way over here.
Now wait a minute, wait
a minute don't get excited.
Get her out the window
quick I'll stall 'em off.
Here put that in your pocket.
Okay go ahead.
No, Oliver.
Help me.
Well if she ain't in there,
why won't you let me in?
Everything's in a mess.
- Oh, it is?
- Yeah.
After me tellin' you guys
to keep everything clean?
We washed all the dishes,
and we can't do a thing with them.
Ahh.
Now wait a minute take it easy.
Take it easy now wait a minute.
Can you imagine Mr. Johnson
if he ever found a girl in this room?
- Yeah, I'm a girl.
- I know it.
Out the window.
Hurry up.
I can't there's no time, under the bed.
Not you, me.
I said I was comin'
in, and I'm comin' in.
Mr. Johnson.
Oh, boy, oh.
Fancy meeting you here.
Now, you see,
Miss McCarthy is not here.
- Is she, Oliver?
- Oh, no.
Miss McCarthy was never here.
No get out of the way.
All right, all right take it easy.
Well, maybe she ain't,
but I got a hunch she's comin' here.
Then why not stick around and see?
Why don't you sleep here all night?
- Oh, no, Slats...
- That's a good idea.
Sleep here all night, if you wish.
I'll sleep in the living
room on the couch.
Slats look never mind.
I'll sleep out there you sleep in here.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look Slats I'm tryin' to tell you that...
No, no, no, Oliver.
You see, he's afraid to sleep by himself.
Every night I have to look under the beds
to make sure there's no one there.
Well I'll do that for you tonight.
Wait a minute.
Left hand please, left hand.
Give me your left hand.
What are you doing, what are you doing?
Oh he loves to dance.
I like to dance before I go to bed.
Look, all right, all right, all right.
Go ahead, pack in boys I'll sleep outside.
Pleasant dreams.
Okay.
Come on it's gettin'
late, get undressed.
Oh, no.
Wait a minute, what are you gonna do?
Put these under the bed.
Not under this bed.
Look Mr. Johnson, let me polish them.
I'll clean them for you.
First thing in the morning,
I'll give you your shoes.
You don't wanna go out
with dirty shoes do you?
All right, I'll take this bed.
No, not this bed Mr. Johnson.
Please, this one over
here go ahead Mr. Johns...
It's a much better bed.
It's a very hard bed on this side.
This is a very good bed.
The mattress is wonderful.
It's down, the whole thing.
Down, down, down.
Down.
Mr. Johnson,
I made a mistake.
Will you please take the other bed?
Why?
I think you'll sleep better.
Please take the other bed.
Oh they both look alike to me.
I know, but it's a much better bed
I know you're gonna love this here one.
Whoo.
Get under the bed.
Mr. Johnson,
I think my first choice was the best one.
Why don't you make up your mind?
Don't forget it.
Make up your mind.
You.
I'm gonna go to sleep
with you, Mr. Johnson,
and I'll put on my pajamas.
Thank you.
Hey.
Get your head in there.
Hey.
Hey, you, get out, get out.
What's the matter?
I gotta get you out.
Get out.
Get out.
Hurry up, get out.
Out.
Get your hands...
What's this out business?
I, I was tryin' to get your head out.
It was hurtin'.
Ahh.
I'll never get any rest in...
What happened to my shoes?
What did you do with my shoes?
I want my shoes.
I want my head.
I mean, good night.
Get a load of Kirkland.
Why, the old wolf.
Open it up Patty.
Yeah let's see the rest.
Okay.
Oh stash it, here comes Romeo.
Get Diane and Molly and bring
them to the furnace room.
Oh, Mr. Kirkland,
swell publicity and a nice picture of you.
Mind your own business, will you?
Oliver, the furnace room, quick.
Okay.
- Oliver, hurry up.
- All right.
Gee, gimme a chance.
- Yeah, give him a chance.
- I just said that.
Oh, that's where I heard it.
How are we going to find out
what's going on in the deans office?
Oh that's simple as A, B.
What comes after B?
- C.
- C?
Tell you what you do, come here.
Now look, this is my secret.
Don't tell anybody, nobody at all.
All I gotta do is turn this on.
Follow me come here.
And not only
does this magazine cover
make a fool out of me,
but it's a disgrace to all Bixby.
The deans office.
No in the contrary
I think it makes both you and the school
appear refreshingly human.
Attaboy, Larry.
And this scandalous notoriety
was prepared with your approval.
Well certainly not, but I do think
it is going to prove a
real help to the school.
I'll tell you what's going to prove
a real help to the school
now, today, the expulsion of Miss McCarthy
and your resignation as dean.
You forget that my contract
runs till the end of the school term.
You mean you intend to hold
the regents to that contract?
For the good of the school, yes.
Very well, young man.
You'll be a dean without a school.
I will demand the delinquent
mortgage payments immediately
and by the end of the week
I'll close the whole school up
and I'll keep it closed
until your contract expires.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, wouldn't I?
You just wait till Monday and see.
Isn't there any way out?
Not unless we can raise enough
money to pay that mortgage.
Is there $20,000 in the house?
We could take up a collection.
I have $1.80 in my piggy bank.
I know the kids will chip in.
I'll tell you what we can do
that we can raise a lot of money,
we could bet on a horse race.
Yeah, all we need is a sure-fire horse,
guaranteed to pay 100-to-1.
I know a basketball
game that'll pay 20-to-1.
- Our team against Carlton?
- Mm-hmm.
At 20-to-1, we'll only
have to raise $1,000.
$1,000, that's a lot of money.
- You can say that again.
- Okay.
$1,000 is a lot of money.
This ought to bring in enough money
to bet on the basketball game.
I hope so.
It's good for you.
- What is this?
- Oyster stew.
- Any oysters in it?
- Certainly not.
Whoever heard of an oyster
stew with an oysters?
I'm afraid of oysters.
All right go ahead and eat it.
Not with a fork, a spoon.
What are you doing?
I think there's a wild oyster in there.
What are you talking about?
- There is Slats.
- Oh, stop.
Look at that, there's no oysters in there.
Now go ahead and eat your
stew and behave yourself
- I'm reading the paper.
- Okay.
What are you doing over there?
Oooh.
What's the matter with you?
Shh quiet.
Would you stop splashing?
What are you doing?
Oh, wipe yourself off.
Here they are.
Hello, Oliver.
How much money did you get?
$504.82.
Isn't there anyone that'll
bet 40-to-1 on Carlton?
20-to-1 is the best we can get.
We've got to promote another 500.
- Yes.
- Here.
- Hear what I have to say.
- Ahh.
I mean...
Hey, wait a minute.
I've got an idea, don't go away.
McGurk.
Hiya, Slats.
Well, well you're good for sore eyes.
Say are you still wrestling
for those big purses tiger?
- No, not me.
- No more?
I'm working for Murphy now.
That's me the Masked Marvel.
Is that...?
I'm making enough dough to
buy me banana-fudge sundaes.
Is that you?
Hey, wait a minute.
How would you like to make $500?
- 500 bucks.
- Don't get excited.
What do I have to do?
I am not gonna wrestle that big guy.
Oh yes, you will.
No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.
- No, I won't.
I said you would
I won't.
You're a coward.
All right, but I'm a live coward.
Oh come on, let's get...
Where's Honest Dan?
He's not in here.
Say what are you two
doing in here anyhow?
Doing?
Oliver here is going to
wrestle the Masked Marvel.
Oh, Oliver, you're gonna wres...
Gimme the hat.
- Wanna ruin your hat?
- Excuse me.
I'm gonna make a bet on this.
Hey, did you hear that?
Shut up.
I told you to stay away
from those soda fountains.
Hi, Dan.
Strangler Johnson, am I glad to see you.
Are you still in good shape?
Sure, why?
I'll give you $50 if you'll
be the Masked Marvel tonight.
What's the matter with him?
He ate too many banana-fudge sundaes.
You mean I'd get to wrestle
that little guy across the hall?
Yeah.
Ha, give me that mask.
I'm not gonna wrestle the Masked Marvel.
- Why not?
- I'm scared.
Why?
He's as big as a bull.
Well then wrestle him like a bull.
Look, just walk into that
arena like a matador,
jump into the ring like a toreador,
and wrestle him like a picador.
And they'll carry me
out like a cuspidor.
No, come on, get this off.
I'm tellin' ya Slats, I
am not gonna wrestle him.
He's too big.
- I won't.
- You will.
- I won't.
- You will.
I won't, he's too big.
I don't care how big he is.
He don't scare me.
- Excuse me.
- You know...
Oliver, Oliver, my hero.
Here's a rabbit's foot for luck.
Here's a rabbit's foot for luck.
The rabbit had four of 'em,
it didn't do him any good.
Ah, don't worry I'm right behind ya.
Feel that.
Yeah.
Feel that, that's enough let go.
- What's the matter?
- Let go.
You're squeezin' too tight.
Well, good luck ooh.
Oh come on, get in the
ring, get in the ring.
All right, all right.
You see that?
Don't worry about a thing.
What are you doing?
Get over here.
Come over here and sit down.
Come over here and sit down.
Now, get with it.
Go ahead.
What are you doing down there?
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting the Bixby Bulldog
Oliver Quackenbush.
- I don't wanna wrestle.
- Shh, quiet.
Everything's all right.
And now, the
champion of all champions
the Masked Marvel.
If the Masked Marvel is defeated,
the Bixby Bulldog will receive $1,000.
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Did you see what he did?
It's all right, all right
take it easy take it easy.
Listen, everything is fixed.
Don't worry about a thing, you
are going to win this match.
What do you mean everything's fixed?
It's all in the bag,
I've arranged everything.
Why do you wait until now to tell me?
Because you've got too big a mouth
you'd have went and
splattered it all over.
Now listen, we've got to win
this $1,000 for the school.
We've got to have it.
Now it's up to you to
get in there and do it.
It's all fixed, he won't
harm you in the least.
Is that masked guy in on it?
- Sure he is.
- He knows it's all fixed?
Certainly he does.
And this match is gonna help Patty?
Why it'll save the school.
Get your hands off you're
talkin' to a wrestler.
Attaboy now you're talkin'.
Take it easy, take it easy.
- For Bixby.
- That's it, for Bix...
- For Bixby.
- Take it easy.
All right take it easy.
Attaboy.
Go out there and give it to him.
- Come on.
- Take the coat.
The coat all right, here.
For Bixby.
Throw out your chest,
throw out your chest.
How far?
All right, throw it out.
I'm not through with it yet.
All right go ahead.
Attaboy.
Look at this.
Don't bruise me.
Come on, let's go.
- Gentlemen.
- Yes, sir.
This is gonna be a
clean wrestling match.
You can't hit in the stomach like this.
You can't gouge the eyes like this.
Oh, no, take it out, take it out.
And you can't use the
elbow like this.
So get to your corner
and come out wrestling.
Slats.
Slats.
Oliver, are you hurt?
Don't worry, it's all fixed.
Where's Sla-a-Ats?
Oliver, now you've got 'im.
I mean you had him.
Hello.
Oliver, it's for you.
Tell 'em I'm all tied up.
All right.
Take it easy.
You win.
Ooo-ooo-ooo.
I'll disqualify you
if you don't keep your
head out of the rope.
You're on top now Oliver.
Oliver, play fair.
Thanks, very much.
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Oliver, get up off that floor.
I can't.
Get up off the floor.
Listen, Oliver, now don't be...
Boy, am I in a mess.
Whoo.
Now you've got him Oliver.
Floor him, Oliver.
The winner.
Oh, Ollie.
So you're permitting
competitive athletics.
Another violation of tradition.
That's right.
Final gesture of defiance
before I close the school, huh?
I don't think you'll
close the school, Dad,
thanks to those girls and the caretakers.
What's that?
There's one thing you've
accomplished Mr. Kirkland.
Your attitude has given Bixby
more real spirit than
it's ever had before.
You wanna bet money on Bixby?
Yeah, what odds?
Against Bixby, 20-to-1
on anything from backgammon to baseball.
20-to-1?
I got a thousand dollars
I wanna bet on Bixby
to beat Carlton in the basketball game.
$1,000 that's a lot of money.
Mm-hmm.
Go on, Dan, take it.
Okay, it's a bet, 20-to-1.
- He accepted it.
- So what?
Now I gotta bet.
That's what we want.
Look you, you have the
money over at the game,
because as soon as it's finished,
the big payoff must come.
I'll be there.
- What was that?
- Nuts.
- Hmph, hmph, hmph.
- All right.
Hmph, hmph, hmph.
Here, here, here.
That's makin' an easy $1,000.
There's something you don't know.
Bixby has a pretty good team.
Why'd you talk me into coverin' a grand?
There's something else you don't know.
That Carlton coach and
me are just like that,
and I'm going over to Carlton.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Bill Stern speaking
from Carlton College.
And now we bring you today's
long-shot sports event
the unknown, unheralded girls'
basketball team from Bixby
as they attempt to upset
the undefeated conference
champions from Carlton.
While the teams are taking
their last warm-up shots,
I think it's about time for me
to run down the starting lineup.
For Bixby, at right
forward, Molly McCarthy.
At left forward, Hortense Harris.
At center.
Yeah, Bixby, Bixby, Bixby, yeah.
She's great.
You know, Patty, - Huh?
She's almost as good as Daisy Dimple,
the world's champion
girl basketball player.
Almost as good.
We're gonna beat you.
We're gonna beat...
That's the third basket in a row
for this fast-breaking Bixby team.
Bixby six, Carlton nothing.
You said they'd be here before the game.
That's what they told me.
What's the meaning of this?
Excuse us grandpa,
but we gotta get to Carlton College quick.
You going that way?
As a matter of fact I am...
We're goin' with ya.
Oh you're going with me?
And the half ends with
the amazing Bixby team
leading by a score of 20 to 16.
Across the floor where the
Bixby stands are really jumping,
their band and glee club
are preparing some between
the house entertainment,
so let's switch down to
our floor microphone.
Bixby, Bixby yeah.
Oh, here you are my dear.
Sit right here Dad, I
saved the best seat for you.
Thanks.
Hey.
Look at those big amazings.
Amazons.
They dwarf the other girls.
There's not one of them
less than six feet tall.
They're giants or maybe I
ought to say giantesses.
Now remember, we'll get
that McCarthy girl first.
She's number three.
Are you all right Molly?
- Are you all right Molly?
- I'm okay.
Take care of her, Oliver.
Our best player.
Okay, I'll take care of her.
Molly McCarthy is leaving
the floor limping badly.
Oh that's a terrible break for Bixby,
for Molly's been the
spark plug of their team.
The horn blows, and the game goes on.
Any more of that rough stuff
I'll forfeit the game to Bixby.
Now the referee is knocked out cold.
That last basket counts.
Carlton is now in the lead 22 to 20.
They're carrying the referee
out and Lucille Walters,
the Bixby center who was
hurt on that same play.
This surprise Carlton team
is big and rough, very rough.
There are no substitutes
left on the Bixby bench
and no referee.
I wonder what Bixby will do now?
The coaches are talking it over
in front of the Bixby bench.
Anybody you want is okay with me.
Slats, go in and referee
the rest of the game.
But we have no more substitutes.
Oh yes we have.
Me.
Can you dribble?
No, but I can drool a little.
Oh.
Whoo-oo.
Pooh.
Don't run with it give it to somebody.
Here I don't either.
I don't want it either.
I don't want it.
I thought this game was for big girls,
not for little girls like me.
Mabel here with me, I got it.
Oh.
Come on, Mabel, atta girl.
Oh.
Those last eight points were
practically given to Carlton
by Bixby's substitute center
who is probably the worst
basketball player I've ever seen.
- What do I do with it?
- Throw it away.
Okay.
Oh.
Oliver, you threw it
in the wrong basket.
Oliver.
Oliver, are you all right?
Oh, my head.
Who are you?
Why, I'm Patty.
Please to meet ya.
- Who are you?
- I'm Slats.
Never saw you before in my life.
My head, my head.
That bump must've knocked him whacky.
Ohhh, who am I?
Why, well you're a...
You're Daisy Dimple,
the greatest girl basketball
player in the world.
- I am?
- Yeah.
Then on with the game.
On with the game.
Let's go.
Positions, girls, positions.
It's in, it's in.
This amazing girl has just made the score
28 for Bixby to Carlton's 30.
The game's nearly over.
Another basket will tie the score.
And Bixby ties the score at 30 to 30.
There are only seconds left to play.
That substitute center's unbelievable,
incredible, impossible,
she's a one-girl tornado.
Come on, out of that.
Come on get up.
Up, there we are.
Hello Patty, hello Slats.
- Hello, Daisy.
- Daisy?
My name is Oliver.
No, no, your name's Daisy.
I'm a boy.
My name never was Daisy.
It is now.
Oh, did I hurt you, Oliver?
Who are you calling Oliver?
My name is Daisy, please.
Positions, girls, positions.
Everybody, positions.
Hmph, Oliver.
Never heard of the boy.
My head, Whoo.
What's this?
Hey, throw it to me, Oliver.
Me, Oliver throw it.
And Carlton wins 32 to 30.
I won't tell you how
you'd never believe me.
Lois, Louise, I didn't
mean to lose the game,
because I did my best.
Patty?
I tried hard.
Hey, Slats, I didn't
mean to lose the game.
Everybody thinks I
wanted to lose the game.
Paying off is a pleasure
when you save me all this dough.
The little guy thought
he was gonna be a hero.
I told you
everything was in the bag.
Well here's the payoff.
Slats.
Where'd you get that money?
I stole the money and
I'm gonna wind up in jail
but at least I'll save Bixby.
Come on, come on.
Step on it, grandpa
those guys have my dough.
Say what am I a taxi?
Look at the big fish hook.
Fish hook?
That's the anchor that goes overboard.
Get up.
I can't stop the boat.
Now look what you've done.
Headin' us right back into trouble.
Come on, help me raise this sail.
Come on, come on, come
on stay in the boat.
Lift it up.
Hurry up.
What are you pushing me out here for?
There's more room over there.
What are you trying
to do, break that boom?
Come on in here.
Get out of the way.
Will you watch out?
Look out.
Spread out.
Silly drivers.
Outta the way.
Slats, pull me in.
Hey, watch where you're goin'.
Phh, ohh.
Get it out.
Oh, oh.
That hurts.
Stay on the road.
Keep it on the road, keep it on the road.
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
Get 'em off.
Come on what's wrong with you?
I mean, after all...
What's the matter with you?
Just a little more, Slats.
Come on, Slats.
Well, we saved the school.
There's your money.
That not your money
that belongs to the boys.
But Carlton won.
Oh no they didn't.
They had a professional team
playing for them, the Amazons.
Well he played for
Bixby, and he's a ringer.
Five ringers to one, the
game is forfeited to Bixby.
You heard that five ringers to one.
Hey that's my dough.
Where's our dough?
Here's your money, Oliver.
Here's the money, Slats.
Here's the money Dean.
Here's the money, Mr. Kirkland.
Well, right back from where we started.
You shouldn't be cheering for me.
Do your yelling for the
man who has taught me
what real school spirit means,
Oliver Quackenbush.
Hooray.
Hooray.
Hooray.
And may I add, well done, Oliver.
Well done.
It certainly is.