Hell Squad (1986) - full transcript

Check this, a cow.

You know that last steak
was a horse.

What in the hell
happened to them?

Just disappeared
into the atmosphere.

Can you dig this?

A complete elephant wiped out.

That will show you
after the smog up there.

What are they trying to prove
with this new bomb?

That they can destroy humanity,
but leave the buildings.

Maybe we can sell the idea
to a paint commercial.

The entire race wiped out,



but Sherwin paint
didn't even peel.

Let's get back to the base.

We're not supposed
to be spending

more than 15 minutes
in this radiation.

Damn it dad.

I can't believe
they actually did it!

I mean until now, the neutron
bomb was just an idea.

I just can't believe
they actually tested one.

And not just any one,

but that goddamn
ultra-neutron bomb!

-Well, the UN bomb, as the
President calls it.

I mean, what kind of sick brain
can invent a device

that kills all life
within a certain radius?

It doesn't even singe
a newspaper.



People make wars, Jack,
not property.

Some of us in
government positions

believe the UN bomb
is a blessing.

What happened to you, dad?

You're starting to sound

just like those mush heads
in Washington.

Come here son,
I want to show you something.

Look out there, son.

You see what war
can do to a city?

The people out
there may never be

able to rebuild what
was once theirs.

If America should engage
in a nuclear war,

I'd rather we'd be hit by a bomb

that will leave our cities
intact for future generations.

Why should our descendants
have to live like rats

grovelling through
rubble and debris?

Just because a handful
of their ancestors

wanted to kill each other.

Use the ultra-neutron bomb

and there won't be
descendants to worry about!

I'm sorry, dad.

This whole thing
stinks to high hell.

When I get back to the States,

I'm going to use my name

and my influence as the son of
an American ambassador

and I'm going to tell the people
about this... this horror!

Jack.

Son wait!

Hello Jack.

How are you, Ann?

Leaving so soon?

Gotta go.

Ready to take
that dictation now?

Yes, sir.

Could we go a little faster?

The sooner we get out of here,
the better I'll feel.

We may have no choice
unless those are your friends.

Hey, here we are.

Come on.

Come on!

Let's get the hell out of here!

Come on, man!

Speed up a little!

Not saying anymore.

Hey!

Where are we?

How long have you been here?

Hey!

I want you to
connect me with the

American ambassador,
Mark Stewart.

At the American Embassy.

This is a call of great urgency.

Do not screw it up.

Where we going?

Where are you taking me?

Jack has got to be alive.

Otherwise, we would
have found his body too.

And he would have sent this.

It adds up, Mark.

I've seen this scenario before.

It won't be the last
time an American

dignitary's son or
daughter is kidnapped.

If only the abductors
made contact.

This damn waiting is...

Master Stewart speaking.

Yes, it arrived today.

You must tell me!

Is Jack... alive?

Here, say hello to your daddy.

Dad!

I'm alive and okay.

Don't worry about me.

Don't do anything rash.

What do you want?

I'm a man of wealth, influence.

I'll pay any price too.

What!

You heard me, Stewart.

Use your political influence
and great wealth to get us

the second phase fuel formula
for the ultra-neutron bomb.

Or, by Allah, your son will be
returned to you organ by organ.

How much time do I have?

Thirty days.

I see.

And who am I dealing with?

Never mind.

Thirty days.

And we don't even know the
identity of Jack's kidnappers!

Well, one thing is certain,

you can't meet their demands.

The UN bomb is a
dangerous enough

weapon in the hands
of sane people.

I've got to do something Jim,
he's my son!

I understand.

If only we hadn't been arguing.

That's the last memory
of Jack I'll have

to carry with me for
the rest of my life.

Maybe it won't be.

If we can pull a rescue...

I have an idea.

Look, don't bullshit me!

I've already been refused help
by the Israelis!

Even our own government!

Too many political problems
involved.

I am not talking about any
government sanctioned rescue.

Then what?

Mark.

I'm not only your assistant, I'm

your friend. So, trust me, okay?

What choice do I have?

Remember what I did
before you hired me?

I have a lot of connections.

I'm gonna head over
to the airport right now.

Have Ann call and get me on the
next flight back to the States.

Las Vegas.

The girls look great tonight,
Jen.

You did a terrific job
with them.

It should be
a good show tonight.

Thanks Joe.

Hello.

Do you want a drink, gentlemen?

No, you need to take a walk.

What are you talking about?

I said, take a walk!

I'll get security, Jen.

What's wrong boys?

I thought I'm supposed to be
the weaker sex.

You creeps want any more?

Come and get it.

That's enough, Jen.

Ah, you... passed the test.

Jim.

What's going on?

Sorry about that.

Had to see if you still had it.

Well?

Obviously, you still do.

Look who showed up
back in my life.

Every two years, like clockwork.

So how long is
this episode going to last?

I've been out
of the country, Jen.

Now I need your help.

Let me explain.

I have an offer that can make
you and your girls

more money than you'll ever
make in Las Vegas.

Details?

It's not gonna be easy.

Wanna go for a drink?

Yeah!

Let's go.

Sounds good.

So, where are the girls?

Come on, let's go.

Wait in the car.

Oh don't be so negative,
Meagan, things will get better.

We've been rehearsing and
performing for months now.

Shaping up, all ready,
shaking our butts and for what?

Not for the
money or for the fame,

that's for sure.

When did you worry about money?

No...

You know...

Sometimes I think mom was right.

Useful I stayed or I might have
been broke all the time.

That's for sure.

I'm with you, the more I think
about it, that's why I like it.

I have a deal you
might be interested in.

Jeez, what is this,
Grand Central Station?

I'm sorry about the intrusion
girls, but we have to talk.

This is Jim Rather,
an old friend.

And he needs some volunteers.

For what?

Well, we all know
what's legal in this town.

No, nothing quite like that.

Jen here tells me that you all
came out here for...

money, fame, excitement.

Even one would be nice.

Jim can get you all three.

If you qualify.

You don't think we qualify?

It will take more
than some T and A.

It will be tough and dangerous.

What do we gotta do?

Rob Caesar's Palace?

Nothing quite that simple.

Think about it.

You know,
if you're interested...

Think what?

You haven't told us a thing yet.

You'll find out everything

as soon as all the qualified
volunteers are selected.

I will tell you
one thing though.

I'm paying $500 per week,
while you're training.

And $25,000 upon your return.

25 grand!

Hey, wait a minute,
return from where?

Working here...

would take me how long
to make that much?

About 75 weeks.

Wow.

It's a long time.

Well, what do you think, Elle?

I think...

What do we have
to do for so much money?

You'll find out everything

as soon as all of the qualified
volunteers are selected.

I'm in.

Sounds exciting to me.

Hey Meagan, what about
some boob job?

Unbeleivable.

Jesus, would you look at that?

It's a military
community, Sergeant.

I often wonder about that
myself, Sir.

Look at this.

It's hot out here.

The officer's bar closes
in an hour.

You get my drift, Sergeant?

They sound like a bunch
of children.

So, this is the secret
training center!

Guess it was used
as a special CIA training camp.

Well, Beth, you said you wanted

to be on the bus in the morning.

Yeah, but this sure isn't
spring training.

Not exactly Palm Springs
either, but for 25 grand...

Hey what are you gonna do
with that 25 grand, Billy?

She hasn't got it yet.

You're gonna let them keep us
here all day, Sergeant?

Alright ladies,
let's settle down.

Alright, you're all here
because you volunteered.

And we promised you
money and excitement.

But I'm warning you.

It's not gonna be easy.

I'd like to introduce you
to your commanding officer.

This is Colonel Balin.

And this is your drill
instructor, Sergeant Harth.

We have less than ten days
to transform you

from Las Vegas showgirls
into expert commando fighters.

During that time,
some of you will

be dismissed, some will quit.

Some, if you don't listen
to every word I say,

could be seriously injured.

But I'll tell you this.

Those of you that do
make it through

are gonna be the best fighters
that ever came out of this camp.

And the richest.

If you're having
any second thoughts about this,

now's the time to speak up.

The bus hasn't left yet.

Any questions before we start?

Good, move them out, Sergeant!

Right away, Sir.

We're going to move down
to the obstacle course now.

When I blow this whistle, I want

you to move through this course

as if you were going
through a mine field.

Imagine if those
tires were mines

and you touched one of them.

You could lose both legs.

This guy's got
a fertile imagination.

Gross!

Let's move it out!

Let's go! Come on!

Ladies, no ordinary
piece of wood.

But you can
if you think you can.

Remember that saying.

I want you to come up.

Each of you can do this,
but Jan, I want you to come up.

I want you to concentrate...
on putting

your fist right
through this wood,

right into my chest.

Okay, you can do that now.

Take your time and concentrate.

See your hand going
all the way through.

Let's go.

Okay now,
how did Bruce Lee do this?

Ladies, this is
a killing instrument.

It's the M16 rifle now
being used around

the world in more
wars than we need.

You take care of it
and it will take care of you.

Now when we get out
on the range,

you'll be given
four rounds of ammo

to zero your weapons in with.

Never, I repeat, never point
your weapon at anyone,

Unless you intend to kill them.

An unloaded gun has killed a lot
of innocent people.

Always keep this weapon
pointed downrange.

Any questions?

No, Sir!

Alright, then let's move out.

Red team first,

Now move, move, move,
move, move, move, move!

Now remember, squeeze those
rounds off slowly.

Okay, on your shoulders.

Ready on the left!

Ready on the right!

Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

What's the problem here?

I can't seem
to get it right, officer.

Uh, well...

Uh... Try it from the hip.

Commence firing!

Cease fire!

I told you never to point that
weapon anywhere but downrange.

Do you understand!

You don't do a
thing until you're

instructed! Do you understand?
Huh? Do you?

Yes, Sir!

Bastard.

Alright.

That's enough for today.

Ladies, I got the permission to

use the officer's swimming pool.

I want you all to change
into your swimwear.

In a few minutes,
we'll call you back

out and tell you who
has been selected.

Alright?

Fall out!

Alright!

Hey Jan, when will we go
for some action?

Yeah and who turns back
into a showgirl?

Hey, you'll all be
a better showgirl for this.

Bang, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

We could really use that
in our new number.

Huh, especially
the target practice.

Oh well, it was a nice vacation.

A nice paid vacation
if nothing else.

Well, I had
a wonderful time at it.

Oh and it had
a wonderful time with you.

Yeah, those guys

can't keep their eyes off you.

I hope watching you made
them overlook our mistakes.

You know what, it served
a useful purpose after all.

I always serve a useful purpose.

Yeah, a couple of them.

I'm kinda sorry it's all over
with now, you know?

Now that I got my body back
in shape.

Now what do I do?

Oh, you can always join the real

army if this one won't take you.

Jan, if we're not selected, can
we still get our old jobs back?

With all this training, if they

won't give us our old jobs back,

we'll just go in
and take them back.

Yeah!

I sure hope I'm one of the
lucky ones to get selected.

After what we've been
through, I wonder if

it's the lucky ones
who get turned down.

Hey, I'm gonna be really
pissed if I don't get picked.

You would have the 25 grand
already spent.

Yeah, at least we're
getting a rest

from the bump and grind crowd.

You call that a rest?

Where's your head at?

Alright ladies, let
me have your attention.

Quiet down girls!

He's gonna read the list.

Quiet!

Because of the
delicacy of this mission,

I'm going to read the selected
girls by their first name only.

Of course, Jan,
you'll be the leader.

The next are...

Billy.

Alright!

Beth.

Alright, Beth!

Yay!

Gale.

Oh, well!

Tina.

Alright!

Meagan.

Aah! Woo-hoo!

It was nothing...

Chrissy.

Well, just like that!

Karen.

Oh!

Those of you not
selected, we wanna thank you

with a bonus of $1,000 a piece.

And, of course, the
possibility of selecting

some or all of you
on our next mission.

I can't understand
why they passed me by.

Neither can I Mary,
neither can I.

Yeah, hi Mister Ambassador,
how was the flight?

I'm in Vegas aren't I?

Yeah, well, I hope the hotel
is treating you right.

Never mind that.

I want to know what progress
is being made with your scheme

to rescue Jack. -Well,
everything is going well so far.

Just give me one
more day and I'll

be able to show you
the entire plan.

And then, you'll be able to see
our secret weapon.

I see.

Right.

Hell Squad, Hell
Squad, we're the best!

Hell Squad,
Hell Squad, we're the best!

You'll never
put us to the test!

You'll never
put us to the test!

We're a hell of
a fighting machine!

We're a hell
of a fighting machine!

We are tough
and goddamn mean!

We are tough
and goddamn mean!

A Hell Squad girl's
gotta a lot of sass!

A Hell Squad
girl's gotta a lot of sass!

If you mess with
her, she'll kick your ass!

If you mess with
her, she'll kick your ass!

If you want a job well done!

Call for Hell
Squad, cause we're number one!

According
to the Geneva Convention,

we are obligated to give you
food and water once a day.

So here's your food.

And here's your water.

Bon appétit!

What is this, some kind
of cruel joke?

You bring me half
of Las Vegas showgirls.

You tell me they can
get my son out?

Mark, it's no joke!

It's all we've got left.

These girls are
commando trained.

Each one of them is an expert
in their field.

Karate, marksmanship,
demolitions.

Mark, you said yourself
that no one else

would lift a finger
to help us on this.

It's all we've got left.

A bunch of showgirls
or whatever?

That's their cover.

Show me.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

How much?

Jan.

You and the girls
meet me downstairs

at the Antique Auto Show.

The Auto Show?

How can we talk there?

We have plenty of time.

The place doesn't open
until 9:30.

Uh, be there in ten minutes.

But we're not ready.

Wear what they have on.

Now, move it!

This is amazing.

What are we doing here?

I don't know, but I'm sure
that it's very important.

Okay, by now you all know
Ambassador Stewart's son

has been kidnapped
by terrorists.

Our sources
in the Middle East inform us

that he's being held somewhere
near the Syrian border.

The problem is
we don't know exactly where.

What do they want with his son?

Yeah, I understand

snatching the Ambassador,
but why his son?

To force the Ambassador
to give them a secret fuel

to be used in the neutron bomb.

You see, by kidnapping
the Ambassador,

they know our government is not
going to give in to extortion.

So, that would be futile.

They'd get nothing.

But by grabbing his
son, they hope

to force him to get
what they want.

But what if they can't pull
this off, then what?

Well, they said his son

would be sent back to us in
bits and pieces. -That's a hell

of a lot to expect from a
handful of Las Vegas dancers.

Yeah, what a responsibility.

We're not just
Las Vegas dancers.

We're trained commandos.

Even so, our lives are really
gonna be on the line, huh?

Suddenly, 25 grand
doesn't look so great.

Look, we knew
we weren't training

to become camp counsellors
when we signed up.

So let's go on with it.

Go ahead, Jim.

Okay, you're booked as Las
Vegas dancers in a club

in Karajan. Now your uniforms,
vehicles and weapons

will be delivered
to you by friends.

You will receive instructions
by phone as to possible

locations where Jack
might be held prisoner.

Your mission, Miss Richards,

now that
you've decided to accept it

is to take that location
at any cost and free him.

Are we going to have
to kill people?

No, we just fire point blank.

If they fall down and die,
then that's their problem.

Now once you get to
location, if Jack is not there,

you're to pick up any vehicles,
weapons, ammunition

that you can find
for future assaults.

If Jack is there, there will be
a plane waiting for you

at an airfield
just outside of Karajan.

Now it's only going
to be there for four days.

On the fourth day,
it leaves at 10 am.

And what if we don't find him?

Well, I guess you'll have
to miss the plane.

You know Jim, you're all heart.

Look, there's a lot
at stake here.

I've got my job to do
and you've got yours.

There's not a lot of room
for compassion.

So I've noticed.

Okay girls, come on.

Let's get our gear and take off.

Bye Jim.

Good luck.

Jan.

Yes.

Good luck.

I'm bushed.

Really,
what an exhausting flight.

Wow!

If I would've known hotels
looked like this in this

part of the world, I would
have visited here long ago!

It's the British influence,

otherwise we'd be staying
in tents.

Don't get too enthusiastic.

This might be the only luxury
we see while we're here.

I could just sleep for days.

Wake me up when the war is over.

Don't take up
too much room there.

There's nine of us
and only five beds.

So this might not
prove to be the

Imperial Palace in Las Vegas,

but instead, the downtown Y.

Aren't you guys
forgetting something?

What's that?

The bedroom!

Hey, a tub, a tub!

Alright!

There's enough room in here
for all of us.

I'd rather be in there
with all men.

Oh, all men!

So what do we do, take turns?

Well, I read on the
plane over here

that there's a water shortage.

Plenty of oil in this country,
but little water.

So I suggest we fill the tub
and all get in at once.

Hey, I've got some real
sexy bubblebath.

I think I hear the telephone.

I think you're right,
it is the telephone.

I wonder who it's for.

It's gotta be for one of us.

What if it's
an obscene phone call?

Of course, there is
one way to find out.

Yeah, well,
somebody could answer it.

Well, say, that's right,
somebody could answer it.

Answer it.

Jan, you answer it.

You're our leader.

Not right now, I'm not.

Jan, remember all that hope you
layed on us back in the States.

Well, now you're copping out.

Alright, alright!

A girl can't even get a few
minutes of relaxation

without you creeps needling her.

Now we have more room.

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Ksmal.

The jeeps will be where?

Oh yes, I understand.

Could you spell the name
of that last city for me?

K. S. M. A. L.

At 5 am.

5 am in the morning?

Understand?

Yes, we'll be there,
ready for battle.

Right.

Jan?

Who was it?

It was this rich oil sheikh who
wanted to take us all to dinner

and give each one of
us a diamond necklace

if we met him downstairs
in five minutes.

Hey, hey, it was just a little
Arabic joke girls.

Yeah, well, this is just
a little sprinkle joke.

Let's go!

Why aren't we entering the side?

Because we can't go through
the middle of the hotel

with our uniform on, can we?

Come on, you know what I want?

A cold drink and a hot bath.

Plus a glass of wine.

You know, If it
wasn't for knowing

that somewhere they're holding

and maybe even torturing
the Ambassador's son

I just couldn't keep on
shooting men.

I can.

I could close my eyes
and turn it in

a shooting gallery we used
to have back home.

You girls just don't know how
to handle excitement.

Isn't this our cue to jump in
the bathtub, men?

Yeah, let's go.

If I didn't know that tub was
waiting for me when I got here,

I don't know.

Such is the life of a commando.

Yes, this is she.

No, no sign of the son.

Where?

Well, I hope you have better
luck locating Jack tomorrow.

Alright, yes I have it.

Right.

Tomorrow, 5 am, we'll be there.

Great.

This isn't anything
like the tank we trained on.

Now what?

Don't worry,
I'll figure this thing out.

Alright, rotate left.

I've got them in my sights.

Okay, make a big bang.

I always do, honey.

Yahoo!

It's a direct hit!

Let's go!

Near the jeeps, go that way!

Watch out, you're driving
on the animal dump!

Look out,
watch where you're going!

Alright, it's okay.

It's a good thing you didn't hit
that half ass.

We did it!

We did it alright girl!

Cheers.

Yes, this is me.

Look, whoever you are, we raided
and killed dozens of Arabs

and none of them seem
to be terrorists.

Nor do they have any idea
of where our Stewart son is.

No, we can't go tomorrow.

You have to cancel the club.

They're already
getting suspicious.

Alright, I'll wait
for your call.

And the directions
better be right.

Nice to see you.

I guess I better start
greeting the little bastards.

You had better
watch what you say.

One day,
one might understand you.

Yes, words of endearment,
my little darling.

Besides, we always
talk like that

to one another in the States.

I just bet you do.

Well, how are you tonight,
you rancid sacks of soot.

Oh, we got a great show for you
lame brain idiots tonight!

Of course!

Listen, drink up, drink up,
you scum bums.

I need all the money
I can get so I

can get out of your
stinking country!

Nice seeing you guys.

Oh, I'll drink to that!

Yes, Sir!

You know, in the finale number,
it's a kick, pas de bourrée

and then a turn.

No, no, no, no!

It's a kick, a ball change
and two turns.

A kick, a ball change
and then two turns?

And don't worry, nobody is
looking at your feet, anyway.

I'm looking at my feet.

Hello.

Be in Lebanon Heights at twelve.

I wanna make a toast.

Here's to Hell Squad!

Hell Squad, Hell
Squad, we're the best!

Hell Squad,
Hell Squad, we're the best!

Don't ever put us to the test!

Don't ever put us to the test!

Woh, woh!

Woh, woh!

Woh, oh, oh!

Woh, oh, oh!

Hello Jan,
follow my directions precisely.

Be there!

We'll be there.

Oh yeah, that's fine,
are you kidding me?

Get up

I want to thank you all
for visiting me today.

Visiting you?

You slob, you kidnapped us
at gunpoint at our hotel.

How you got here
isn't important.

You're here.

And now, I suppose you want
to know why you're here, yes?

Because I want to know
why you're in my country.

I don't believe
you are only dancers!

I want to know what you are
doing here. Spying?

Cat got your tongues, huh?

Well that cat is going to get
more than your tongues

if I don't get answers!

Hold.

Hold.

Release one of them
and bring her over here.

This cat eats once a week.

On... Tuesdays.

And what is today everyone?

Saturday!

No, it's Wednesday,
it's Wednesday.

Now who sent you?

Joe sent us.

Uh... Joke?

No, Joe Hastings
from the William

Morris Agency sent us here.

We're dancers!

We dance at the
Adhal Casino every

night at the 9 pm dinner show

and at the midnight show.

Showtime!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Da dum dee dum dum dum, whoo!

I don't believe
you're only dancers.

Several of my men were killed
in my West Tower

by a group of female commandos.

Do we look like soldiers?

Do we have guns?

I'm not wrong.

I'm never wrong!

It must be you!

I am correct?

I'll feed each one of you
to the tiger.

One by one until I get
the truth!

Aaah!

Jan!

Behind you!

Look out!

Tell us where they're holding
Ambassador Stewart's son.

Get that cat off of me!

You better tell us where

Ambassador Stewart's
son is first.

And you better talk fast
because I think

that the next bite is going
to take your head off.

The dungeons of Amahl's Villa!

Amahl's Villa!

Now get her off of me!

Help!

Bon appétit kitty.

I'd give anything for a beer.

I think I'm gonna faint.

Look, there's tire tracks!

There's gotta be
a road somewhere.

Oh, so what?

There will be no one on it!

Probably some chariot
tracks from 200 BC.

Do you realize that we could
die of dehydration out here?

Even lack of water!

Well, what do we do, Jan?

We've only got about
six more hours to live.

Yeah Pauline,
get us out of this peril.

Okay, well we can't walk.

No shit!

It's probably a sheep.

I wonder what it is!

Déja-vu!

I saw the same scene
in Lawrence of Arabia.

It turns out to be an Arab who

shoots the man who
was watching him.

Come one!

Let's get the hell out of here!
And go where? Huh?

Well, we can't just stand
here and be slaughtered.

Did you make out what it is yet?

I can see several heads
and huge bodies.

Elephants.

Out here, in the desert?

They're camels!

They sure are!

How are we gonna fit
nine girls on three camels?

A couple could ride
on ahead and get help.

No, I think we should all
stick together.

Where's your telephone?

Can it carry all of us?

Say, where can a girl get
a cold drink around here?

Is that water in that bag?

Sure it is, let's have a drink.

Ewww!

- What is it Tina?
- It's camel piss.

This guy is taking his camels to

the doctors with their specimen.

Give me that!

What is it?

It's only warm water in
goat-skin bags! Sure

it tastes terrible, but
at least, it's water.

I'd rather dehydrate.

Want some?

We will, we will.

Mmm.

Give it to me.

Maybe we should follow him.

It might lead us
to civilization.

It could be days!

No, we can't go on much further.

A car, a car!

Can you give us a ride?

How far is the nearest city?

We're going
to the Phoenicia Hotel.

Please, take us to the city!

Yeah, please take us?

Oh my God!

Where these beautiful girls
come from?

My goodness!

Come on over with me.

I'll take you, I make
lot of money on you. Come on!

Let's go!

Not even interested.

You better come up with the
right answer this time, buddy!

For example, where is
Amahl's Villa?

Amahl's Villa?

Yeah, we think that's where
they're holding

the Ambassador's son.

Amahl's
Villa is on the lake Kajmal.

Well, how do we get there?

Swim!

You think it's safe telling this

guy where Stewart's
son might be?

What if he's not on the level

and he's using us to locate
the son so that he can grab him?

You're right.

Then we better act fast!

Come on girls, get up!

It's an emergency!

Come on, get up!
Let's get going!

We think we found out
where Stewart's son is!

Yeah, come on, but we have
to get there by morning.

Come on!

Come on, girls, we have this.

Wear swimwear and snorkels!

Come on girls, and we gotta...

Get up, damn it!

Come on!

Ok.

What are we stopping for?

I'm reading this huge sign!

There is no huge sign.

No shit, Sherlock!

We are lost.

Didn't we get a map
or road instructions?

No, this isn't
a public expedition.

They didn't tattoo it on my ass.

At least if you had it,
we'd have it now.

Yes, we would, wouldn't we?

What's going on?

Why did you stop for?

We are lost.

We're not lost.

We're heading
in the right direction.

Well, couldn't you have figured

this out back at the hotel room?

No, I left my atlas at home,
thank you.

Come on girls,
let's just keep going.

It's gotta be this direction.

Yeah, it's gotta be
around the bend.

Let's go Karen.

Come on, let's go.

Let's just keep trying.

Come on.

Come on, get the led out.

Let's go!

Well, I don't see anything yet.

Do you see anything yet?

No, I don't see anything yet.

Do you see anything yet?

I don't see anything yet.

Do you see anything yet?

I don't see anything yet.

Keep driving,
we don't see anything yet.

The lake! The lake!

Where?

There it is!

Come on!

Well, where's the transportation
to get us out of here?

You're it kid, let's go.

I wonder if there's anything
in the water.

Great.

Woohoo, this will
wake us all up.

Billy, come on!

I'm trying, this
isn't very comfortable.

Ah, it smells in here!

Hey, it's dark in here.

No shit, Sherlock.

Shhh, be quiet!

There are rats down here.

It's wet in here!

I'm trying man,
my knees are hurting.

Does this tunnel ever end?

Hey, what's holding you guys up?

Oh God!

I thought that was a spider.

Oh God, how did I get myself
into this mess?

Be careful up here you guys.

Does anybody know
where this tunnel goes to?

That's what I call
a double-header!

Are you Jack?

Are you Jack Stewart?

It's too late for this guy.

He's dead.

Come on, this is him, let's go!

Come on, come on, hurry up!

Hurry up, come on!

Let's go.

You wanna see another big bang?

Aren't you supposed to light it?

Thought I forgot something.

We gotta go back to the hotel,
we gotta pack, we gotta...

Oh will you shut up.

Come on!

Aah!

Can't get on!

Ah, shit!

Girls, come on!

Let's go, Jack!

The girls are here, Stewart,
uh... Mister Ambassador.

Show them in, please, Ann.

Alright.

Remember it's Tuesday.

Is our date on as usual?

Of course.

Okay, great, thanks.

You can go right in.

They're here.

Ah, great.

Good show.

Congratulations,
thank you so much.

Good show girls, good show.

Thank you so much
for getting my son out.

Good show, you girls
are really something else.

Sit down everybody.

Congratulations,
thank you so much.

Well, everything
worked out fine.

Here's your money.

Not quite!

At least, not unless you want
a repetition of the kidnapping.

Or worse.

What does that mean?

Jack is back safe and the girls
did a remarkable job.

Yeah, what's
all this about, Jan?

Didn't any of you wonder how the

terrorists knew
every move we made?

Well, I wondered how
we kept getting

fake instructions
every night by phone.

Then the next day, we'd go out
and wipe out a bunch of Arabs.

But they weren't terrorists.

Then we'd go back to
the hotel and get

another phone call
from deep-throat

and then, we'd go out another
innocent group of Arabs.

Wait, are you saying that one
of us is an enemy agent?

That one of us risked
all your lives?

That one of us masterminded
the kidnapping?

Yes, Jim, that's exactly
what I'm saying.

But why?

What would any of us
stand to gain?

I don't believe there's
any truth in your accusations.

It sounds ridiculous!

I think it's best
you leave the subject alone

and be glad everybody
got back safely.

Yeah, I agree.

Now this is preposterous.

Now I know you've
been under a lot of

Pressure lately and
I don't blame you.

But indicating that
one of us is an

enemy agent, well,
that's gone too far.

He's right, Jan.

You're going off the deep end.

Let's just take our money
and get the hell out of here.

You'd like that,
wouldn't you Tina?

Take the easy way out.

No more scrapes,
no more problems!

Just get our money
and get it over with.

Jan, you've flipped.

None of us here is a terrorist.

Uh, Ann, why don't you call
the girls a taxi?

Of course.

Yes, why don't you Ann?

Or Antoine.

Or whatever your name is.

Just, back off of me!

Alright, would you
let me explain?

Oh my God!

Ah!

Oh God!

Jan?

God!

Why, that two-faced bitch!

Well, how did you know
it was Ann or Andy?

It had to be someone
in our immediate group.

Quite frankly, Ann or Andy,

was the only one
beyond suspicion,

besides yourself,
Mister Ambassador.

Well, thanks a lot, Jan!

Really, Jan.

That's really great.

I'm sorry gang,

but thanks to those
weird midnight phone

calls, I wasn't even
sure of myself.

How did you finally zero in
on Ann or... Andy?

When I went to the ladies room,

right after Ann or André
had left.

The ladies room?

Yeah, the toilet seat was up.

Well, everybody knows
that a man has to

lift the toilet seat
to go to the bathroom.

Listen, you girls
take Ann or Anthony

downtown to police headquarters.

Okay, come on, let's go.

Wait a minute!

What is your name?

Fred.

But don't you know you'll be
executed as a traitor?

Nobody lives forever.

Let's go, come on.

I'm shocked!

It just goes to show you,
you can work with a person

and never really
get to know them.

How about a quiet dinner
together, son?

To get better acquainted.

I'd like that, dad.

Mind if I...
bring a friend along?

Not at all.

In fact, let's bring
a few friends along.

How about it Jan?

How about a little dinner and...
conversation?

Okay, but give me two
years to change.

Ah, come on, Jan, be reasonable.