Heartbreak High (1981) - full transcript
Two long-time rival high school football coaches lead their respective teams into battle for the city football championship. However, before the opening kickoff, various students from each school try to do whatever it takes to throw the opposing team off of their game.
- [Announcer] The
Chester W. Hick Cup,
symbolic of America's
highest ideals
of sportsmanship and fair play,
emblematic of moral rectitude
and the eternal striving
for excellence in
the game of life.
But lest we forget
the admonition
of Chester W. Hick
(hiccuping) himself,
"Young man, winning isn't
everything", he cautioned.
- [Man] Shit no,
it's the only thing!
(grunting)
(crowd cheering)
(light rock music)
♪ It's a crazy life
to be taken light ♪
♪ It's a sweet
bird rocking tune ♪
♪ It's a locker game
♪ A spark of flame I assume
♪ It's a smile that's
wide and reckless line ♪
♪ It's a three ring circus too
♪ It's a breakneck ride so
find something to hold on to ♪
(whistle blowing)
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You gotta bet a bunch 'cause
we're running out of time ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet
a bunch 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down,
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ It's a boundless sky
through a painter's eye ♪
♪ A sunset so fine
you could yell ♪
♪ It's a holiday, a joke
we play on ourselves ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet
a bunch 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
- I wanna see blood in
your eyes, you turkeys.
You play for City High!
This isn't a lousy skirmish,
this is all out war!
- Everybody happy?
- [All] Yeah, yeah.
- Is there anybody sad?
- [All] Hell no.
(snorting)
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
- You're looking
well today, ladies.
Come on.
(snorting)
(snorting)
Don't be lazy down
there, Pigger.
Come on, break bone.
All right, break bone!
(snorting)
♪ Down to the crunch
- Coach, can I bother
you for a minute?
- No.
(coughing)
- Even as we speak, your
team, the City High Moose
are preparing to
attempt an upset
over the Johnson High Eagles
coached by your very former
protege, Alan Arnoldi.
Now my question to
you coach is this.
Do you get a feeling in
the pit of your stomach
that the ship has sailed?
You know, that you're through?
That perhaps this
game, this very game
may be your swan song?
Sir?
- Howard, Bruce.
- Malone, the erudite
field commander,
his sagacity on and off
the gridiron well known
in these circles throughout
his tenure at City
has grown obviously tremulous
over tomorrow's
showdown with Johnson.
(whistle blowing)
- Captain Flitt,
front and center.
- [Flitt] Yes, sir.
- All right, tomorrow men,
is the biggest game of your
lives, the championship game.
I only wish that Chester
W. Hick could be around
to see his trophy returned
to its rightful place.
Chet, god rest his soul
must have had an uneasy
rest these last few years
knowing his trophy
was at Johnson High!
Well you guys are
gonna get it for us.
Now I'm counting on you.
Your school is counting on you.
And Chester W. Hick
is counting on you!
Now what do you want?
- [All] Hick Cup!
- What?
- [All] Hick Cup!
- I can't hear you!
- [All] Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
Hick Cup, Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
- All right, hit the
showers, come on!
- [Team] Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
- Now hold up a minute there.
(whistle blowing)
And remember, men, no
nookie until after the game,
you hear me?
It saps your strength.
- [Team] Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
Hick Cup, Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
Nookie, nookie, nookie,
nookie, nookie, nookie,
nookie, nookie, nookie!
- [Alan] All right, Johnson
High, let's go, boys.
This is the year for
the Hick Cup, let's go.
♪ Yeah it's getting down to
♪ It's getting down
yeah it's getting ♪
(whistle blowing)
(grunting)
♪ Down to the crunch
(whistle blowing)
- Gary, you all right?
- Yeah I'm all right, coach.
- All right, good
penetration, good hustle.
However, that was a late hit.
Could cost us 15 yards.
We don't wanna lose
the game on penalties.
Number two, Gary's our
starting quarterback tomorrow.
We wanna keep him healthy.
All right, Gary.
Don't let them push
you out of that pocket.
Hang in the pocket.
Extra fraction of a second
could make a completion.
- Yeah, but Rose
missed a hit, man.
- Rose, tighten it up.
He won't miss it tomorrow.
All right, run it again.
- All right, huddle up!
Let's go, come on, huddle up.
Ready, break!
- [Player] On the ball,
on the ball, on the ball.
Ready!
- That's a very
worthwhile ambition, Kathy
but are you sure the Peace
Corps is still hiring?
- Well if they're not,
there's always Hump.
- Hump?
- Humans Under Mental Pressure.
- Oh yes, of course. (chuckling)
Perhaps you should
reconsider college, Kathy.
- Miss Reed, college will
be just like high school.
Everyone concerned with their
own personal gratification.
I mean where are the
Berkeleys of today
and the protest rallies?
- Ah yes, I haven't had a
good one since the war ended.
- I really envy you, Miss Reed.
Back in your day you had causes.
- Yes.
Yes it was exciting.
Oh there was one summer
on the Indian Reservation
I'll never forget. (chuckling)
The drums, the
tepees, the Chief.
- And marching on Selmo with
Marlin and Sidney and Harry.
Oh god, Miss Reed,
that must have been an
incredible experience!
- Oh yes, it was stimulating.
- What I mean, Miss Reed
is, you've done it all.
I mean you really had your
head in the right place.
Kids today, all they think
about is sex and football.
They're so shallow.
- Oh I know what
you mean, Kathy,
I understand your frustration.
Think of it this way.
Football turns a boy into a man.
- [Alan] Watch the run,
linebackers, stick to it.
That's it guys, come on,
teamwork, looking good.
- Set, hut!
(grunting)
- Ooh.
- Coach, Coach Arnaldi!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm indestructible.
- [Alan] Huddle
up guys, team up!
- I just wanted to say good
luck in the game tomorrow
and we're all behind you.
- Well thank you
very much, Miss Reed.
See you tomorrow.
- Mhmm.
- All right guys, listen up.
City's gonna run all
day long tomorrow.
I wanna see a nice tight D
against a sweep right, okay.
(laughing)
- What?
- Who's that?
- Oh it's that little
nerd from City.
- What should we break first,
his camera or his head?
- Wait, wait, I've got an idea.
Kathy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are we glad to see you.
- Yeah?
- We've got this problem, see?
- [Kathy] On the field or off?
- [Jerry] It's the vanilla
double dip with the camera
and we could use some
camouflage from you.
- Hut hut!
(whistle blowing)
- [Alan] All right, all
right, looks smooth.
- [Jerry] Nice to see you
out in the daylight, Weasel.
See anything you like?
- [Freddy] Check the
mad looking threads.
- Oh, hello fellas.
- You look at this.
Your mama dress you that way?
- [Kathy] Hi guys.
- Hi Kathy.
- Hi, Kathy.
- Oh, hi.
- Don't you edit City
High's school paper?
- Ah, yeah.
- Yeah, hey listen.
I got something you
could really get into.
- You do?
- Yeah.
It's um, something that
means an awful lot
to me, and well,
I'd like to share it with you.
- With me?
- Yeah.
Whales.
- [Weasel] Whales?
- [Kathy] It's a
terribly important part.
- [Weasel] Yes, I
think I read about it.
- Moby Dick, Sperm Whale.
Humpback Whales.
(whistle blowing)
- All right!
All right, huddle
up here, team up.
(whistle blowing)
Sweet move, Ronnie.
Head fake inside
really spun you open.
- In, out.
And in, out.
- Tell you how important
tomorrow's game is,
championship game.
You're going up
against a rough, tough,
well-coached football team.
However, you look ready.
Let's go out there
tomorrow and beat City High
fair and square.
Let's keep that Chester
W. Hick Cup right here
at Johnson where it belongs.
(team cheering)
Hit the showers, boys.
- Whoah, take it easy
fellas, I'm wired here.
- [Alan] How you doing, Jack?
- Hey Alan.
- Sorry you missed the practice.
They're looking like pros.
- Yeah, can I ask you a few
questions about the game?
- Sure.
Shoot, anything for the
Cavalcade of sports.
(clearing throat)
- Coach Alan Arnoldi, as
you stand at the pinnacle
of your short but
illustrious career,
poised to lead your
charges once more
into the fray, so to speak,
against your arch-enemies
the City High Moose,
coached by the dreaded
Bulldog Malone,
my question is this.
Do you anticipate a
tension-filled encounter
or is it as they say,
how you play the game?
- Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
(light rock music)
(hooting and cheering)
- Yo, Pigger.
(snorting)
(humming)
- Hey Flitt, what
time's the pep rally?
- Eight o'clock.
OT, if you don't get
out of my mirror,
- It's gonna reject your face.
- Get out of here.
- Hey be cool, my man.
I'm as pretty as I'm gonna get.
Hey Pigger, you
going to the rally?
(snorting)
Ah, you ain't the only one.
Nobody's gonna sleep tonight.
- Diane.
Can I borrow your
blue shirt tonight?
- Sure.
- How do you wear
those tight jeans?
Doesn't it drive you crazy?
- Yeah.
- That's too much
butt out for me.
- He took me to the Chem lab.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
There we were in the dark
and he's telling me
how much he loves me.
He says he's crazy
about my hair, my eyes.
- Wow.
- Then we kissed and
I felt his tongue
going down my neck
and over my shoulders.
- [Woman] Oh you're
kidding, my god.
- What happened next?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Little bastard got his
braces caught in my bra.
(laughing)
- Now remember, I stuck
my neck out for you guys.
I almost got killed for this.
- Man, that's what we
sent you there for.
- [Man] Just throwing
the first time.
- [Man] What the
hell's that, Weasel,
your family portrait?
It can't be, they're
too good looking.
- That's Holbeck!
I can tell by the
way he's smiling.
- Something
obviously went wrong.
(buzzing)
(groaning)
- What's going on in here?
Do you have permission to use
this machine after school?
Don't you know there's
an energy crisis?
Don't you know that
electricity cost money, huh?
You got a note from
the shop teacher?
I didn't think so.
You just got no sense of
responsibility, you hear me?
Well next time, you damn
sure better get one.
(groaning)
(light music)
- [Mom] All right, Mom speaking.
Now listen, you Johnson
people, stay on your side
of the room, and you City
people stay on yours.
We don't want no repeat
of last year's action.
Took me two weeks to get the
place back in shape, got it?
- O'Toole!
Hey man, you remember last week
when you and Pigger force
fed Weasel 20 hamburgers?
- That was too much.
- Yeah it was, wasn't it.
You remember the mess
it made coming back up?
- All over the walls.
- All over the walls.
Well I was here till two
o'clock in the morning
cleaning it up, O'Toole.
Don't let it happen again, man.
- Okay.
- Stupid kids, ha Sheila?
- Must be, Mom, they're
eating your food.
- Murph, look at the jug.
Look at the jugs
on that one, huh?
Hell, if they had girls like
that when I was growing up
I wouldn't be
packing heat today.
Ever see what happens to them
after they smoke that marijuana?
They get crazier than
chicken ice cream.
You know what I mean, partner?
- [Murph] I've
gotta go to the can.
- What's the matter with you?
You're always hitting the can.
Keep it up and they're gonna
name a stall after you.
(giggling)
- You know those
City High girls,
they're really beautiful.
I'm sorry, I'm kidding.
(slurping)
(humming)
(puffing)
♪ Yes you know I could
♪ Swimming pools
and six door cars ♪
♪ Take me to Hollywood
♪ Take me to Hollywood
♪ Hollywood, if I could
I would be there ♪
♪ If I had my own way
♪ But there's just
too much to do here ♪
♪ Long while I
dreaming my life away ♪
(whistling)
- Hey Murph, what's up?
Big game tomorrow.
You in crowd control district?
- Mhmm.
- Should be a while.
You'll have your hands full.
See you already do. (laughing)
It helps if you exhale,
Murph. (laughing)
- Hey Flitt.
What'll it be for
the City High Flash?
- Oh let me see, I'll have a
coke and some fries and uh,
you to go.
- Hey listen, you
know the price is high
and the goods are choice.
You think you're up
to giving it a shot?
Oh, hey lover.
- Hey Sheila, you miss me today?
- No way, Mandel.
- She's crazy about me.
- [Flitt] Yeah, sure shows.
- Hey hon, how you doing?
- Ah, better than most.
- Well you sure looking
pressed and spiffy today,
I must say.
- Yeah well you're looking
pretty foxy yourself, you know.
- Thank you.
- I hear the Precision
Prancers are gonna perform
at half time like last year.
- Hey listen, you know we
did have fun last year.
- Yeah, until the
riot busted out.
Drink it.
That's why you're in
the can all the time.
- You ready to order?
- Oreos, green peppers, a
burrito with sour cream.
A couple cheeseburgers,
heavy on the chili.
Strawberry shake,
order of onion rings,
and a grape snow cone.
- Oh god, Murphy, ugh.
- Sheila, do you have
any chicken ice cream?
- I wanna stop now.
- Come on.
Damn, I've gotta
meet Mandel at Mom's.
Come on, we don't have time.
- I wanna talk.
Okay, if I'm gonna expect
others to become committed,
I've gotta set an example.
I've gotta make a
personal sacrifice.
- Sounds reasonable to me.
Come on, we've only
got 14 minutes.
- Gary, I'm thinking
of abstaining from sex.
- You're what?
- We better get down to Mom's.
(chattering)
- Hey, by the way,
where is Pigger?
(crowd chattering)
(whistling)
- No, call me Mom.
(snorting)
Don't have all.
You know, eating
up all the puffers
ain't gonna help me put
you through medical school.
Don't talk back to your father,
now get out of here.
Eh.
Kids, could have had
a Dobermann Pincher
instead of that big mouth there.
- [Woman] Yo, there's Pigger!
- [Crowd] Pigger,
Pigger, Pigger, Pigger.
- Yuck, that's Pigger Peterson.
- Is he ever ugly.
- He's dangerous.
- [Man] Hey Pigger,
how about some chow?
- Hey, hold on Pigger,
that's already spoken for.
Hey!
- Hey Pigger,
don't start nothing
you'll be sorry for later.
- Everybody keep cool.
- The guy's a lunatic.
- [Man] That's our food, Pigger!
Put your beef through nagahai!
Go for it, wild man!
- [Cop] Who ordered this?
- [Murph] Looks like
he chewed it for you.
- Remember what the
coach said, no violence.
- [Man] Have a seat, Pigger!
- [Man] Do it for City, Pigger.
- He wouldn't dare do it.
- Oh my god.
- Revenge is gonna be sweet
against you City High clowns.
(laughing)
- You just ruined an
officer of the law's lunch.
I'd lock you up and
swallow the key.
Now take that back
to the kitchen
and get me another number two.
- Can't you ever chew your
food like a normal human being?
Is that too much to ask?
(laughing)
(clapping)
- Come again!
Don't worry, we'll get the tip.
- Hey guys, where you going?
- Plenty here where
there's gonna be a war.
(laughing)
- What happened?
- Pigger.
- Hey Sheila, we'll
have two orders of fries
and a large chocolate
shake, two straws.
- Yeah sure.
Well listen, your chocolate
shake's over there
somewhere between Bob and Linda.
You might find your
fries on the dance floor
behind the pinball machine,
there's a couple on this wall.
- [O'Toole] That was
some sweet stuff.
- We could sucker in
their lineman like that
unless they decide to blitz.
- [Gary] We're gonna trap
the five should whip.
- You know, that Kathy
Wilton has possibilities.
- Man, you could
forget about that.
That's Gary Leonard's girl.
- Oh yeah?
Ten bucks says I can
get it on with her
before kickoff tomorrow.
- You're on.
- Well, if they blitz, I'll
call an audible at the line.
- Have either of you two
boycotted lettuce lately?
- [Mandel] Well we could do a
quick pitch to the fullback.
- Yeah maybe that'd work
but I don't think so.
- Excuse me, I'm
going to get some air.
- Maybe we could have
Blunt run a play over here.
- [Gary] Or I could
throw a quick screen
off the play action pass.
(slapping)
- Oh, hi Kathy.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm going to use
our conversation
as my next Man on Campus
piece in the Gazette.
- No, we could use the exposure.
- Your concern centers
on the sperm whale.
- Yeah, both species--
- Wexler.
This must be the lady you
were telling me about,
one who's enough to
Save the Whales group.
- Ow!
Um, Kathy Wilton,
this is Richard Plitt.
- Hi, Richard.
- Hello, Kathy.
- Now back to my
Man on Campus piece.
I can just fill in the holes.
- What?
- You know Kathy, there
are far too few of us
concerned with what we
are doing to this world.
Look, I was just on my way home.
Can I drop you somewhere?
- Um, I don't know.
- Yeah, flank both
receivers, go inside.
- Sure, why not?
If it's not out of your way.
- No, it's no problem at all.
- Sounds good.
That way we overload the zone
and been on the plank and
reverses to the weak side.
♪ Visions of loving
you in parlay ♪
♪ Wishing we hadn't
met but blindly ♪
♪ Seeing you here is
all I could stand ♪
♪ I'm only a man
who has harley ♪
♪ Visions of loving
you in harley ♪
♪ Wishing we hadn't
met so blindly ♪
♪ Seeing you here
is all I can stand ♪
♪ I'm only a man
- And another thing.
Do you realize
that in this world,
22 million people, they go
to bed hungry every night?
- That's right.
And what does the
government do about it?
Absolutely nothing.
- Right, what does it
spend its money on, guns.
- Yeah, guns.
- They expect the
hungry to eat guns.
- Exactly.
Well, I better get going in now.
- Okay.
- Richard, I can't
remember when I've enjoyed
a conversation more, really.
- Same with me.
You know a woman who
thinks is so rare.
- So is a man who listens.
- We really have
a lot in common.
Maybe we can pick up on
this conversation again.
- Well I really
gotta get going now.
- [Flitt] Okay.
- Oh, remember, no
lettuce tonight.
- Who me, you kidding?
Take care.
- Yeah, bye bye.
- Bye bye.
(sighing)
Another lucky chick
about to get my bod.
(car starting)
- [Announcer]
Hello, sports fans.
Earlier today, Jack Maguire
stood on the field of battle.
Now, here is Jack Maguire
with his Cavalcade
of Sports update.
- [Jack] Thank you, Ed.
All right let's take
some calls from the fans
as we watch them here on
the eve of the 31st meeting
between Johnson and
City High Schools.
- [Stanley] Jack,
this is Stanley.
I just wanna say that coach
Arnoldi of Johnson High
is an idiot!
An incompetent jerk, and a wet--
- [Jack] Hold it,
hold it, hold it.
We'll have none of
that on my program.
(revving)
(humming)
(gurgling)
- Hello, Coach Arnoldi.
- Hello Miss Reed.
- Why don't you just
put this on your tee
and sink it deep?
- Sink it deep?
(screaming)
- Come on, are you ready
to lick the opposition?
- Oh aagh!
(parade music)
- We're gonna win
that Hick Cup, baby
'cause I'm gonna
make an end run!
- Oh, give me that cup!
- Oh, god!
All right, position, get
in position, position!
Hike hike hike hike hike!
Aaagh!
- That's right.
- Oh come on, Bulldog.
You've been threatening to
quit for the last five years.
- Yeah but this time
I may just do it.
And I tell you one thing.
This time I'm gonna
go out in style.
Now we're in good shape
for the game tomorrow.
When that final gun sounds,
old Chet's cup will be
back where it belongs
at City High!
- Goddamn right.
You know I get pissed
off every time I think
of Arnoldi holding
on to our Hick Cup.
- You got the last
one, didn't you Frank?
- Mhmm.
- Yeah this one's on me, Ralph.
- Got you covered.
Bulldog, kick ass!
- You got it, baby.
- Hey I'll drink to that.
- Here here!
Hey Bulldog, remember the
championship game back in 50?
- I remember, I remember.
- And what a back two we had.
Christman.
I'll never forget him.
- We were a damn good then.
- What do you mean then,
tomorrow's the big day.
Tomorrow we're gonna
drive into the wall.
Tomorrow's when we
win, you hear that?
City High tomorrow!
- I'll drink to that.
- Give us another
round on me, Ralph.
- [Ralph] Got you.
Here you go.
- It's hard.
Well, just a little mug.
- [Ralph] Got you covered.
- [Man] A toast!
To Coach Malone's
lucky longjohn!
(crowd cheering)
- [Alan] Oh, plug that hole.
Plug that hole!
Oh!
Goddamn, what'd you do to me?
- [Miss Reed] Oh, screw
the air brakes, go for it!
(whistling)
- Go in!
Timeout!
- Oh sorry, I didn't
hear the whistle.
- Jesus, look what you
did to me, you bit me.
You know what that
means, don't you?
- Oh no.
- [Alan] Oh yes.
- Oh no.
- [Alan] Oh yes.
- Oh no.
- Yes!
It's a penalty, unnecessary
roughness, biting!
15 yards!
- And a first down.
- And a first down!
Oh, dime play, dime play!
Dime play!
(shouting)
(beeping)
(doorbell ringing)
- Richard!
- Hi.
- Hi, what a surprise.
- Well.
You know, after I
left this afternoon
I stopped by the bookstore and
I picked this up for you.
- Organic Faith Healing, oh wow!
Richard, this is fantastic!
Oh but you shouldn't have.
These books are
really expensive.
- I knew you'd like it.
Katherine, the truth is,
I just wanted to see you again.
- Oh Richard, I'm
really touched.
- [Miss Reed] Oh come
on Coach, that's it.
Come on, come on!
(moaning)
- [Alan] Touchdown.
- [Miss Reed] Touch down.
- There's more to life
than just football.
- You know, that's exactly
what I've been trying
to tell him.
He won't listen to me.
- Hmm.
(car honking)
- That's Gary.
- Kathy, I'd really
like to see you again.
I'll be at Mom's tonight at 10.
- I don't know.
- Mom's at 10?
(doorbell ringing)
And remember, if
you ever need me,
all you have to do is
(snapping) snap your fingers.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Flitt!
- Hey Gary, how was Tricks?
- What are you doing here?
- Just dropped by
to deliver a book.
- Organic Faith Healing?
My work, Flitt.
Take a hike.
- Hey, come on, Gary.
Let's keep the rivalry
on the field, okay?
Enjoy the book.
- Thank you.
- Good luck in the
game tomorrow, Gary.
See you around.
- Yeah, right.
- You'll get your horseplay.
Come on, we're gonna be
late for the pep rally.
Hey, how did you get home
from Mom's this afternoon?
- I walked.
- Belt.
(slapping)
Thank you.
- Mmm.
Oh Coach.
Goodbye, Coach Arnoldi.
- Goodbye, Miss Reed.
(laughing)
(rock music)
♪ She's life's fascination
♪ She never says much
more than hello ♪
♪ That's a lie
- Come on, you're not serious.
- You know, that's it.
You never think I'm serious.
That's why I'm taking
a vow of chastity.
It's a life decision.
It says to everyone,
she's dedicated.
- But can't it start tomorrow?
Come on.
You know, I bet none of
the other guy's girls
are doing this to them tonight.
- You know, you're right,
they're probably not.
Which brings up another point.
I am sick and tired
of being known
as Gary Leonard's girl.
- Look, I'm just
trying to understand!
- You don't understand!
Okay, I thought I had
explained it to you.
There are just more
important things
in my life than sex, okay?
- Kathy!
Kathy!
Name two.
- Trouble with Kathy?
- She's got a new cause.
She's trying to drive me crazy.
Or maybe she's just
trying to become
a virgin again, you know.
- Ah, women.
Sometimes they're a
real pain in the ass.
Hey, I've got a couple
joints in my car.
If you can't get laid,
why not get ripped?
Come on, we'll go over to Mom's.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- [Announcer] All
right Johnson students.
This is your principal,
Mr. Orr speaking.
It's getting late.
Time to wind down this rally.
- [Man] Hey Mr. Orr, you suck!
- [Ralph] Hey, Bulldog, how's
that kid Ferguson coming?
- He's fast.
But he's not as
fast as Greenberg.
- [Ralph] 90 yard run.
And you threw the key block.
- Remember?
He should have turned pro.
Greenberg was the
fastest man on two legs.
What the hell is he doing now,
a goddamn insurance salesman.
- [Man] Well, speaking
of insurance, I
gotta call my bookie.
Good night, coach.
Good luck tomorrow.
- [Coach] Thanks Warden.
- See you, Coach.
- Take it easy, Carmine.
You're late.
- [Man] Grr, watch it, Arnoldi!
- Good luck.
- You too coach, good luck.
- Who's taking
Frank home tonight?
- [Man] Not me, I took
him home last night.
- (sighing) Looks
like I'm elected.
Come on.
Your horse is ready.
- [Ralph] Goodnight, Bulldog.
- [Flitt] Not only are
you doing me a favor,
you're doing your
school a favor.
- [Chris] Cut it Flitt,
I'm doing it for the money.
- [Flitt] Okay,
you know the plan.
- [Chris] Yeah I know it.
Just relax, we'll keep him busy.
- What's she hanging in for?
- You don't think I'm
gonna take Gary Leonard on
by myself, do you?
- Well I don't know, Chris.
Maybe I should go home.
My mom will kill me if
I stay out all night.
- Kim, you promised.
- Yeah, but.
- Look, there's no way
we can get into trouble.
It's two to one.
- Don't you guys think
we've carried this
a bit too far?
- Not when it comes to winning.
Okay look, I put a bong
and a couple of pipes
in the glove
compartment in the back.
I'll pick up the truck from you
after the game tomorrow, okay?
(sighing)
♪ Oh there must be
something more ♪
(revving)
(crowd cheering)
- Well, we're here.
- Why are we here?
- Look man, we volunteered,
don't you remember?
- Oh yeah, the
Johnson High kamikaze.
- Oh come on, man.
Think of Malone's face
when he can't find
his lucky longjohn.
Come on, he'd go
out of his tree.
- (sighing) All right, let's go.
- Right, and remember,
if anybody asks,
we transferred yesterday.
(crowd cheering)
- And I don't want you
coming here anymore!
- Oh Mom, this is
so embarrassing.
- Oh, I've had my eye on
you for a long time now.
Or haven't you noticed?
- Yeah I've noticed.
But I know you're kidding.
- Oh I don't kid when
it comes to two things.
- [Sheila] Yeah, what's that?
- Football and my women.
- Honey, stick to football.
(sighing)
- Sheila, two of Mom's specials
and have yourself a coke on me.
- Mhmm.
- Hi Kathy.
- [Woman] The things I've
heard about the people
who hang around that
place, they're very fast.
I don't want you hanging
around that kind of a crowd.
- [Woman] Oh come on.
- [Woman] I've
raised you properly,
I want a beautiful girl.
(blues harmonica music)
- Yeah, play, play, yeah!
Woo!
(laughing)
(belching)
- There he is.
Think we can handle them both?
- [Kim] I'll try.
- Hey guys.
Wanna take a ride?
We got Flitt's van for the night
and we're gonna be
really lonely in it
all by ourselves.
- Come on Gary, we
ought to help them out.
- Well if you guys
aren't interested,
I guess tonight just
isn't our night.
- Gary, please.
- Yeah.
Let's go.
- Hey, all right!
(harmonica playing)
- [Chris] Welcome aboard.
Care for a little something
from room service?
- Wow, this place
looks like a motel.
- [Mr. Orr] This is Mr.
Orr, your principal, again.
Johnson students, I am
getting very, very annoyed.
This rally has got
to come to an end.
Enough is enough!
- [Man] Ah, no one's listening
to you, you meathead!
- [Kathy] Hey Mandel,
wait a minute.
Mandel, wait a minute, will you?
Well at least wait
until we stop.
- [Mandel] We stopped.
Okay, now let's go.
- Duck!
- Where are we?
- Shh.
Quick, in here.
(chuckling)
(mumbling)
Shh!
- My god.
The girls' locker room!
(chuckling)
♪ Everybody needs love
(coughing)
- What the hell did
you put in here?
- Beer.
- Beer?
- Mhmm.
- [Gary] Well I like it.
- You two look like
a couple of gamblers.
- Depends, Chris.
What's the game?
- How about strip poker?
- Deal the cards!
- Yoo hoo hoo.
- Oh yoo hoo, check this out.
Ain't they sweet?
- Oh my.
Let's split, man,
have fun, one second.
- Come on man, come on.
We gotta get out of
here, come on, get going.
- What here, here?
Oh man, we got to
find Malone topless.
- Yeah right, hold on a second.
- [Freddy] Cousin!
- [Jerry] Can't forget
Malone's new panties.
- Blows.
- Beats me.
- Guess this isn't my day.
Ooh, it's chilly in here.
I hope you don't mind if
I snuggle up next to you.
(giggling)
- Damn I wish I'd been
born a quarterback.
- This sure beats solitaire.
- I think this is the place.
- Catch some lights
man, it's dark here.
Confidential, even.
Key's gotta be here
someplace, huh?
You don't think he carries
them with him, do you?
- I hope not.
Quick, quick!
- We're in business! (laughing)
- Let's go.
Ah, yeah.
Now you're talking, come on.
Hold this.
Come on, man, come on!
Damn!
Nailed it.
(laughing)
- His longjohns!
All right!
(sniffing) ah.
Malone's gonna croak!
Put it back.
Come on man, let's
get out of here.
- Lucky longjohns,
you belong to us.
- [Mr. Orr] Johnson
students, I am not going
to repeat this again.
This is Mr. Orr, your
principal speaking.
- You know Richard, I'm
discovering how nice
it is to be with someone
who doesn't think
that everything I do,
everything I care about
is some sort of joke.
- Joke?
Kathy, everything
you do is special.
'Cause you're a
special person to me.
I admire a woman who
sticks to her commitments.
- We'll work together, Richard.
We will make people realize
that there are battles
to be fought.
Isn't it exciting?
To know that a man and
woman can be perfectly happy
in a non physical relationship?
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
- Come on you guys,
let's see what you got.
- [Chris] She means
your cards, fellas.
- Ten high.
- Threes and sevens.
- Zip.
- Read them and weep.
Straight flush.
- [Mandel] Gary, I'm so
glad you talked me out
of going into the priesthood.
- Down, hey!
- [Chris] Hot stuff.
Look at those legs.
- [Mandel] I think I
feel a draft.(laughing)
- [Chris] This'll keep you warm.
(laughing)
- I guess the turning
point in my life was
when I saw Jane Fonda cohost
the Mike Douglas show.
Richard, stop it.
- Well, I can't
help myself Kathy,
I'm so turned on by your mind.
I've got to have you.
- Richard, let go.
- Look, you don't want
me to stop, come on!
- Richard, cut it out!
- Quit wriggling around!
- Get out of here!
Go on, get out!
You don't care about me.
You only care about yourself.
You're just like everyone else.
- Hey, I'm not like
everybody else.
I'm the best.
- You're the pits.
Richard.
Shove it.
- Okay fellas.
Let's see what you got.
- Eight high.
- Two pair.
- (sighing) Looks like I win.
Now we'll see who's
got the joker.
(honking)
- [Mandel] What
the hell was that?
(snorting)
- The women set us up!
- Come on, let's get those
guys from Johnson high!
- The hell with the guys,
let's go get the girls!
- [Chris] Get out
of here, Pigger!
(shouting)
- [Announcer] Good
afternoon and welcome
to the 31st annual Chester
W. Hicks Cup Memorial Game.
This is Hank Banks,
your game announcer.
We have a beautiful day
for this important meeting
between the Johnson High Eagles
and the City High Moose.
Principals Orr and Equirtzel
have asked me to impart a
few of the do's and don'ts
for today's behavior.
School spirit is one thing
but let's not get carried away.
There'll be no throwing of
cans, bottles, cherry bombs,
stink bombs, water
bags, tire irons
or other instruments
of destruction.
Persons doing so will
be dealt with promptly.
After all, this is
only a football game.
It's not real life.
- I don't believe it, they
even stole my panties.
- Oh that's okay, so
you better use mine.
- Boy oh boy, am I tired.
- Hey Kim just said
nothing happened.
- Plenty happened.
You ever tried fighting
off a whole football team?
- Who won?
- Are you kidding?
No cheap sex for me.
I'm saving myself for college.
- [Hank] Attention,
ladies and gentlemen,
I want to make a
few announcements.
I'm happy to tell you that
this year, once again,
we will be entertained by
the Precision Prancers.
They seem to be a
little late arriving.
They'll be here.
Now I've been asked
to caution you.
No one is allowed on
the football field.
Of course let's make an
exception, the players.
Any non playing personnel
found on the field during play
will be subject to a fine.
- Hello.
- Ooh!
- Or imprisonment or both.
No consumption of alcoholic
beverages will be condoned.
You don't want a repetition
of last year's
unseemly behavior.
Remember the spirit
of Chester W. Hick.
- Oh that guy.
I'll kill the son of a bitch!
♪ You wanna ride in
the lean machine ♪
♪ You're really in for a fight
♪ Pick a side but you
can pick my team ♪
♪ I'll warn you girl I'm right
♪ Ill play tough
and I play to win ♪
♪ These goods are genuine
♪ You are guaranteed
through time ♪
♪ Girl just jump and slide
♪ Big dog
♪ We can make our amend
♪ Big dog
- Coach Arnoldi, can I just
have a few words with you?
- Sure, Jack, how you doing?
- Fine, big game today.
- Big game today,
everybody's ready.
Starting squad's pretty strong.
We have a good day for football,
I think it's gonna be a
good little game, thank you.
- One other question, coach
that's on the minds of
all my radio listeners
and that is the arm of
quarterback Gary Leonard.
Now rumor has it that he can
no longer throw that long--
- Where are they?
- Where's what?
- Where are they?
Get out of here.
- [Alan] What are
you talking about?
- You know what I'm
talking about Arnoldi.
- I don't know
what you're saying.
- Yes you do!
- We've been joined
by Coach Malone.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- I'm gonna kill you,
you son of a bitch.
- [Alan] Bulldog!
- Where are they?!
- What?
- My underwear, that's
what I'm talking about!
- [Alan] Underwear?
- Coach Malone
really seems upset.
Something about his underwear.
- You're talking about your
lucky longjohns, Bulldog?
All the years I was
playing for you,
I wanted to take them myself.
- Cheap shot,
Arnoldi, cheap shot.
- I never touched them!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I really don't know
how to explain this.
Something about Coach
Malone losing his underwear.
How that will affect the
game, none of us know.
- [Hank] Ladies and gentlemen,
we regret to inform you
that the Precision Prancers
marching band is
late in arriving.
But they should be here in time
for your halftime entertainment.
(cheering)
- Nice lens cap, Weasel.
- Johnson calls
tails, tails it is.
Johnson you've
chosen to receive.
City, you've chosen the
west goal to kick from.
- Okay, we'll kick from
this side, let's go.
- [Hank] Please rise and
join Miss Gladys Dalrymple
of the Daughters of
the American Revolution
in the singing of
our national anthem
accompanied by the dulcet tones
of the Golden Straumberg Organ.
♪ Oh say can you see
♪ By the dawn's early light
♪ What so proudly we hailed
♪ at the twilight's
last gleaming ♪
♪ Whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪
♪ through the perilous fight
- [Man] We're lost, Barney.
- [Barney] I know, Phil.
Tell me something I don't know.
Like where the hell are we?
- [Phil] Check the map.
- [Barney] Who's got a map?
- [Phil] You ain't got a map?
- [Barney] You see a map?
♪ O say does that
Star-Spangled Banner yet wave ♪
♪ O'er the land of the free
♪ And the home of the brave
(cheering)
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] And here we go!
Armstrong returns the
opening kickoff 18 yards
to the Johnson High 32 yard line
where it'll be first and 10.
- All right, we'll be
using next set of downs.
- Okay.
- They're in late.
- All right men, get psyched.
- Tough D, tough D!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Gary Leonard
as quarterback
lines up the Johnson High Eagles
for the first defensive
series of today's game.
- Down!
Blue 51!
Check!
Hunt!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Leonard
hands off to Mandel,
a loss of two on the play.
It'll be second down and 12.
- Break!
Down.
Set!
Green 88, green 88!
Hut, hut, hut!
(bashing)
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] That's right,
he's tackled at the 23,
a return of 18.
- Timeout.
- [Hank] We have an injured
player on the field, number 41,
Ed Dubrinski of Johnson High
leaving the field
under his own power.
Now during this pause,
let's have a word
from Cavalcade of
Sports' own Jack Maguire.
- Remind you that at Mr. Tony's,
a little bit off
the top barbershop,
there are never any lines,
six chairs, no waiting,
plus the latest
selection of comic books.
♪ We got the spirit
♪ Come on let's hear it
- [Hank] Johnson ball,
first and 10 near midfield.
♪ I-R
♪ I-T
♪ We got spirit
so let's hear it ♪
- Onslaught, check flair on two.
Onslaught check flair on two.
You saw what happened
to Dubrinski.
Who want's the two.
- I got it, man.
I'll ring his bell so loud
he'll think he plays
hunchback for Notre Dame.
(crowd cheering)
- Down.
Down 22, two 22.
Set, hut!
- Set back defense, go get him.
- Way to hit, JH.
Nice shot.
(cracking)
- Come on, what the hell,
are you blind, goddamit.
You all right?
- Yeah I'm okay.
- All right, get in there.
- We've got to
stick these creeps
before this gets out of hand.
- Okay, open up to me
you guys, let's go.
You and you, I'm gonna take
Leonard off the neck, let's go.
- Down, blue 17, blue 17!
Set.
Hut, hut!
- [Hank] Fumble.
Reggie Wilmont, number 54
recovers for City High.
- Hey!
How about that, eh?
- I'm going deep on
you all day, Leonard
just like I did with
Kathy last night.
Hey, did you ever notice
that birthmark on her thigh?
- Let me up, you bastard.
- Come on guys, break it up.
Get back to your huddle.
- Very nice, thank
you very much, yeah.
Congratulations,
a nice clean hit.
- All right, settle
down, settle down.
Gary, what's going on in there?
- Nothing, coach, nothing.
- [Hank] City High first and 10
at the Johnson High 25.
- Down!
- I'm gonna pop
your berries deep.
Here I come, baby.
I'm gonna chew you up,
I'm gonna hurt you, 24,
you better run 'cause
you'll never walk again!
- [Hank] McCormick loses three,
back to the 28.
Second down and 13.
- One more thing, folks.
Starting on Monday, Mr. Tony's
latest customer convenience
will be car wash service.
- [Hank] The cheerleaders
really add a lot
to the game, don't they folks?
- Down!
Set, hut!
(whistle blowing)
- All right, all right.
(clapping)
- Down!
A41, Blue 25, set!
Hut!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Interception
by Ed Farmwick.
Returned to City's 36 yard line
where it'll be Johnson's
ball first and 10.
- Hey Leonard, I saw you at
the drive in with your date.
I think I heard her bark!
- [Player] Hey, lay
off, his girl's a saint.
- Yeah, a Saint Bernard.
- Blue 15!
Set!
Come on!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Penalty by number
58, roughing the passer.
Number 58, Richard Flitt.
- Hey man, you're spending
a lot of time on your back.
But not as much as Kathy does.
- Get the hell off me!
I'm gonna break both your arms!
(whistle blowing)
- What, hold it.
- [Hank] There seems to
be a slight difference
of opinion on the rose.
- [Ref] Break it
up, break it up.
Come on, back to your
benches, let's go.
- [Hank] During this
pause in play action
let's begin with my good friend
Mom's celebration special.
- It's all over,
back to the bench.
- Break it up!
- Let's go guys.
- Move it, move it, let's go.
- All right, back to the bench,
come on let's go,
come on let's go.
It's all over.
- Come on, get in your
huddles now, let's go.
- All right.
- Huddle it up.
- Come on!
- Come on, let's
move it, come on.
Back to the bench, here we go.
- We're gonna win this game!
- [Hank] And we expect
a good, clean contest.
(bell dinging)
(honking)
(farting and honking)
(boinging)
(crashing)
(boinging)
(squeaking)
(honking)
(farting)
- Hey!
(thwacking)
- Offside!
(honking)
(honking)
- Shake it off.
- Well this could be
Johnson's last chance
to put some points on the
board before halftime.
- [Hank] With less than a
minute left on the clock
before the half, it's
still a scoreless tie.
Leonard brings Johnson
High out on the City
45 yard line where he faces
third down and six to go.
(snorting)
- Learn that from
a Berlitz record?
- Red 56!
Set!
Come on!
(crowd cheering)
- [Hank] Touchdown,
Johnson High!
Leonard pass to
number 81, deep ball.
Hold on, there's a
flag on the play.
We have a personal foul,
number 58 Richard Plitt.
Penalty is declined,
the touchdown stands.
Johnson leads six to nothing.
Gary Leonard shaken
up on the play
is being helped to his feet.
And he seems to be all right.
♪ You know, we got soul
- Poor boy.
- [Team] Break!
- [Hank] Mike Carron, number 59
is on to attempt the extra point
out of a hold by
Armstrong, number 21.
Kick is up, it's good!
- All right!
- [Hank] The gun sounds, it's
the end of the first half
with the score
Johnson High seven,
City High nothing.
Hungry?
Well a quick trip to the
north end of the stadium
will bring you to Mom's Canteen.
Yes sir, Mom himself is here
to serve you his famous
culinary delight,
Mom's Mystery Meat Sandwich.
Guess what you're eating and
win round trip tickets for two
to any City serviced by Amtrak
within a 31 mile radius.
Standby for the
Precision Prancers
expected at any moment.
- I think we crossed
the state line.
- You're a lot of help.
The highway is over there.
- No, it's back there.
- No, no.
- This way, this way.
- Ask Kettles back there.
- Sure, here.
- You're both
nuts, hell with it.
- You go straight.
- [Johnson Player] That's pretty
good, the way you City guys
wear uniforms with
your IQ on your jersey.
- [City Player] Run into
me in the second half baby
and I'll plug you
a one way ticket
into never neverland.
- [Johnson Player] I'll be
on you like white on rice.
Like fleas on a collar!
Like crabs on your mama!
(mumbling)
- [Man] What's into him?
- [Man] It means you
can't make a baby, yeah.
Ask your mom where
your sister came from!
- Gary!
Gary!
- [Alan] Go on Gary, hustle up.
- Gary!
Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Gary!
I just wanna talk
to you for a minute.
- Why don't you
save it for Flitt?
He tells me the two of
you were real close.
- 31 years ago, I walked
out on a football field
and coached my very
first football game.
It was cold, I remember that.
I had 23 budding young
Americans under my arms.
And I wasn't quite sure
whether I could do the job.
Hell, the night before the game
I was sitting by the
stove going with the plans
and I felt very much alone.
Well my mother,
god rest her soul
came over to me and
put her hand in
my head, and said
"Bulldog, it's gonna
be cold tomorrow,
"these are for you."
And she handed me a
pair of red longjohns.
You know, suddenly
I felt stronger,
more sure of myself.
Well I wore them the next
day and we won the game.
I wore them the game
after and we won that one.
I wore them every game that year
and we won the
goddamn championship!
Now I had been wearing
those goddamn red longjohns
for 30 years!
And I'm not wearing them
today, and you know why?
Because some son of
a bitch stole them!
And I feel naked without them.
Powerless!
Like a quarterback
without an arm.
But what about you guys, huh?
What are you doing out there?
You're letting them beat
the shit out of you!
Now when you go back out there
I want you to kick
ass, all right?
Kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass!
Come on you pricks!
Kick ass, kick ass!
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass,
kick ass, kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass,
kick ass, kick ass!
- I'll look for my
goddamn underwear.
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
- Jack Maguire, outside the
men's locker room at City High
where we'll bring you a
behind the scenes view
of the players at halftime.
Oh, oh here's coach Malone.
Coach, your team played
terribly the first half.
Now do you have any strategy
for the second half?
- Bug off.
- The coach has just assured us.
Just a moment.
There's something
strange going on.
It is an unidentified
female walking into
the City High locker room.
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
- Hey Flitt, it's room service.
- Kathy!
(snapping)
- Ah!
(whimpering)
Can I have your name, miss?
- Abdullah the Butcher.
- [O'Toole] Okay Romeo,
where's my 10 bucks?
- Listen up, here
comes the coach.
- All right guys, come on,
team huddle, hustle up.
Listen up guys.
All right.
Bulldog's over there pissed off.
You know why?
Somebody copped his
underpants, boys.
(laughing)
They're old, guys.
I want you to know I
played for him myself.
He had them for 31 years so far
and I don't think he
ever washed them once.
(laughing)
(whistling)
He's over there
telling his ballplayers
just how bad they are gonna feel
if they don't beat
your ass, guys.
He's making them feel guilty.
He's yelling at them.
He's having them storm
out his locker room
screaming "Kill 'em!"
And now it's the
time you guys got now
one more half of football
to play, 30 more minutes.
Everybody got a
chance to go in there
and put out a
superlative effort.
You gotta reach inside and
find that hundred percent
that you got.
All right, guys.
What do you say, Johnson High?
(team cheering)
All right!
What you did out there
was pure pigskin.
Chewed them up, you're my guys,
every one of you.
I believe in you guys.
- Uh, Coach Arnoldi.
- Hi Jack, hi.
- According to my sources,
City High's defensive
lineman, Richard Plitt
will not be in the starting
lineup this second half.
Now will that affect
your strategy?
- Plitt's not starting?
- No, no no.
According to my
sources which are
unimpeachable, I may say,
he was attacked
savagely by a member
of the female gender.
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass,
kick ass, kick ass!
- Chester W. Hick
Cup, you're all mine.
(energetic music)
♪ Big dog
♪ Big dog
(cheering)
♪ Big dog
♪ Big dog
♪ Two pushed it known
once it's also ran ♪
♪ He'll try to stow
you any way he can ♪
♪ He's an air triggered hand
♪ And it's in his command
- Okay huddle up, team
huddle, team huddle.
Go, get in here.
All right guys, this is
what it's all been about.
Keep the adrenaline
pumping 30 more minutes
and we keep the cup.
- Okay men, this is it.
Get them!
Let's go.
- Hey!
(rock music)
- [Hank] City High
takes the field
to receive the
second half's kickoff
trailing in the game
seven to nothing.
- Come on, get them, Bulldog!
(whistle blowing)
♪ Big dog
- All right!
- [Hank] And City High
is on the scoreboard
following the razzle
dazzle running of number 24
Skeez Jeffries, 92
yard kickoff return.
Score is now Johnson
seven, City six.
- Lock it up, boys.
How's Gary's shoulder?
- I think he's good.
- [Hank] Peters to
attempt the extra point
out of the hold
by Bruce Edwards.
- Set, 22, hut!
- [Hank] It splits
the crossbars!
Game is all tied
up at seven apiece.
- That's our way to get 'em!
(cheering)
- Sorry coach.
- It's okay.
- Seven seven, we got
a tie ballgame, folks,
a tie ballgame.
♪ O, U, L, go back
♪ Go back, go back
to the woods ♪
♪ 'cause you haven't
got, you haven't got ♪
♪ You haven't got the goods
♪ You haven't got the rhythm
and you haven't got the jazz ♪
♪ You haven't got the
players that our team has ♪
♪ We got S, O, U, L
♪ S,P
♪ I, R
♪ I, T
♪ We got the spirit
so let's hear it ♪
- [Hank] City High lines
up for the kickoff.
Kraznicki, the deep
back for Johnson
standing on his own goal line.
(whistle blowing)
He takes it at the 10.
And he's again
tackled on the 40.
You can hear the bone splinter
clear up here in the press box.
Johnson, first and 10
at their 46 yard line.
- Down!
Red 41, red 41, hun!
Hut!
- [Hank] Beautiful hit
by Pigger Peterson,
City High's own
med school hopeful.
The play loses 10 yards.
Back to the Johnson
High 30 yard line
where it'll be second
down, 20 yards to go.
- Down!
Blue 12!
Set!
Come on!
- [Hank] It's a 37 yard pass!
- All right!
- Out to Mandel.
Johnson is on the 10 yard line.
- Offside, Blue,
take it back five.
- [Hank] Offside
against Johnson High.
Penalty of five yards.
It'll be second down and 25.
Ford, license 3m2401,
lights are on,
your stereo's on, and
someone's siphoning your gas.
- I'm hurting down there
coach, I can't go in.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Get up on your butt.
- Flitt the shit's back in.
- Hey.
Let's say we run the draw
play right up his ass.
- How you feeling, Flitt?
- Leonard's all mine this play.
I'm gonna let my forearm
get intimate with his face!
- Break!
Come on let's go, let's get it.
- Hey Pigger.
You look like an
armpit that eats.
- Green 17!
- You're mine, Turkey.
I'm gonna fold your
eyelids back like a set
of venetian blinds.
- Blue 63!
- [Johnson Player] Take
a deep breath, Peterson,
it may be your last.
- Hut, hut!
- [Hank] Leonard on in around.
- [Player] It's a round!
- [Hank] Breaks one tackle
at the line of scrimmage.
Sees some daylight.
He's got one last shot at him.
Oh, he broke that tackle!
And he's on his way, the
15, the 10, the five!
Touchdown!
- Touchdown's good,
touchdown's good.
- Dammit!
- All right!
(whistling)
- [Gary] Little jumping
Kokomo rolling seven!
- [Hank] Gary Leonard on
the deep one went 62 yards
for the touchdown.
Johnson leads 13 to seven.
- Gary Leonard with
that spectacular run
could prove to be
the hero of the day.
- Break!
Down!
- [Hank] Once again Carron
on for the conversion
with Armstrong to
do the holding.
- And the kick is good.
Johnson 14, City seven.
And the chicken's on the move.
(clucking)
Chicken.
- [Hank] And if that's
not enough excitement,
the Precision
Prancers marching band
should be here at any moment.
(parade music)
- [Barney] I got
a sinking feeling
that we've been here before.
(whistle blowing)
- We're set to go!
(intense music)
♪ Wanna ride on a mean machine
- [Ref] Personal foul
♪ You're really in for a ride
(whistle blowing)
(growling)
- [Ref] Unnecessary roughness!
(whistle blowing)
Grabbing the facemask.
♪ I play tough and
I play to win ♪
- [Ref] Holding.
♪ These goods are genuine
♪ You wanna guarantee
a good time ♪
- Yeah!
- [Ref] Unnecessary roughness.
♪ Just jump inside
♪ And he does it
- Break!
♪ Big dog
♪ Big dog
- [Ref] Pass interference.
(whistle blowing)
Procedure.
- Hey!
- [Ref] Personal foul,
fearing pass interference.
Unnecessary roughness,
grabbing the facemask.
Personal foul.
- All right!
- Holding,
unnecessary roughness.
- Let's go!
- [Ref] Foul, parking
from the rear, holding.
♪ Big dog
(cackling)
(whistle blowing)
- City, time is in.
- Stop them this
series and it's ours!
Break!
- It's our last shot, guys.
- Now let's make it a good one!
Break!
- [Hank] City lines up.
First and 10 on Johnson
High's 15 yard line.
But with only seconds remaining,
it could be the last
play of the game.
- Set, blue 45!
- I'm gonna crush your grapes.
- I'm gonna eat your face!
- Hut!
- [Hank] Kelly bursts
onto the left side
for a City TD!
And with only two
seconds on the clock,
it's Johnson High
14, City High 13.
And this place is pandemonium
as the City High fans
are on their feet!
- Excuse me.
(crowd cheering)
- Close it up,
guys, close it up.
- Hold on.
We forgot about
our secret weapon.
Now?
- Now.
- Plug that hole!
- Be a hero.
- Come on, hubba hubba.
- Our last chance.
We block that extra point.
- Just take it straight, DD.
That's all you gotta do.
(clucking)
- Hey coach, ain't those
your lucky longjohns?
(whistle blowing)
- My underwear!
Where'd you get those?
Come back here, you.
- Bulldog Malone is following
a chicken on a unicycle.
- What the?
(whistle blowing)
- It's good!
- No, the point is no
good, it's wide, wide!
- Gimme those!
- Oh Coach Malone.
- Stand here, Maguire.
- [Hank] Since we appear
to be in the midst
of a minor break this year,
there maybe a repeat
of previous wars.
- Right.
Rivalries should
stay on the field.
(bashing)
- [Hank] Please!
I hate to see this sort
of unsportsmanlike conduct
on the field of play.
Have you no sense of decorum?
- Come back here, you turkey!
Nobody see the kick?
Come on, did you see it?
- Come on, let's
get out of here.
- Come on, the kick was good.
- It was wide, it was wide.
- You're blind!
Arnoldi, you saw the
kick, it was good!
(women screaming
and Pigger snorting)
(bashing)
- [Hank] This is
absolutely a final warning.
All non playing personnel
still on the field
by the time I count to three
will be promptly sorry.
One, two, three!
- Okay, heads up Jack.
A couple more arrests here.
All right, everybody inside
Let's go, let's go people.
Move it, move it, inside.
- [Man] Gordon, is this another
one of your routine arrests?
- [Cop] Right up to the front.
Book all of these
people, let's go.
- We were robbed!
- [Man] You're lucky
you're still alive.
- [Man] Too bad you
had to cheat to win.
- [Cop] Right up front,
right up to the desk.
Book them all, book them all.
Creating a disturbance.
All right!
(crowd shouting)
- [Man] I want my lawyer!
- Leave that there,
that's evidence.
All right, quiet down here,
you're all under arrest!
- George, that kick was good,
you saw it with your
own eyes, goddamit!
Oh god, there they are.
Give me those!
- [Man] The kick stumbled
out just like your underwear!
(bashing)
- Don't talk to me
like that, George.
- [Man] Come on, take
it easy coach, come on.
(whistle blowing)
- [Reporter] And now,
Eyewitness sports is live
reporting on the City High
and Johnson football game.
- [Woman] Look at that!
Weasel's on TV
with Jack Maguire.
- [Man] Weasel?
- [Man] That jerk?
- [Man] They're both jerks.
- [Jack] Are you
implying, Mr. Wexler
that you're in possession
of irrefutable proof
regarding the extra
point in dispute?
- That's right, Jack.
- You wanna roll the film?
Let's see for ourselves.
- [Man] We tied!
Yeah we tied!
(cheering)
Weasel Wexler for President!
(cheering)
- See you next year?
- Ah, you bet, coach.
By the way, congratulations.
- What about the Hick Cup?
- Hick Cup?
Ah, why don't you take
it till baseball season,
I'll take it after that.
- You got it.
- All right.
- Have a cigar.
- Thanks a lot, Bulldog.
What do you say, Johnson High?
- [Man] That's right, let's go!
(cheering)
(cheering)
- [Hank] Fellow
survivors, I give you
the Precision Prancers
marching band!
Thank god.
(marching band music)
(light rock music)
♪ It's a crazy life
to be taken light ♪
♪ It's a sweet
bird rocking tune ♪
♪ It's a locker game, a
spark of blame I assume ♪
♪ It's a smile that's
wild, a reckless line ♪
♪ It's a three ring circus too
♪ It's a breakneck rhyme
♪ So found something
to hold on to ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You gotta bet a bunch 'cause
we're running out of time ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet a bunch
♪ 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down,
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ It's a cloudless sky
through a painter's eye ♪
♪ The sun sets so
fine you could yell ♪
♪ It's a holiday, a joke
we play on ourselves ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet a bunch
♪ 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down,
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ Getting down to the crunch
♪ Down to the crunch
Chester W. Hick Cup,
symbolic of America's
highest ideals
of sportsmanship and fair play,
emblematic of moral rectitude
and the eternal striving
for excellence in
the game of life.
But lest we forget
the admonition
of Chester W. Hick
(hiccuping) himself,
"Young man, winning isn't
everything", he cautioned.
- [Man] Shit no,
it's the only thing!
(grunting)
(crowd cheering)
(light rock music)
♪ It's a crazy life
to be taken light ♪
♪ It's a sweet
bird rocking tune ♪
♪ It's a locker game
♪ A spark of flame I assume
♪ It's a smile that's
wide and reckless line ♪
♪ It's a three ring circus too
♪ It's a breakneck ride so
find something to hold on to ♪
(whistle blowing)
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You gotta bet a bunch 'cause
we're running out of time ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet
a bunch 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down,
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ It's a boundless sky
through a painter's eye ♪
♪ A sunset so fine
you could yell ♪
♪ It's a holiday, a joke
we play on ourselves ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet
a bunch 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
- I wanna see blood in
your eyes, you turkeys.
You play for City High!
This isn't a lousy skirmish,
this is all out war!
- Everybody happy?
- [All] Yeah, yeah.
- Is there anybody sad?
- [All] Hell no.
(snorting)
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
- You're looking
well today, ladies.
Come on.
(snorting)
(snorting)
Don't be lazy down
there, Pigger.
Come on, break bone.
All right, break bone!
(snorting)
♪ Down to the crunch
- Coach, can I bother
you for a minute?
- No.
(coughing)
- Even as we speak, your
team, the City High Moose
are preparing to
attempt an upset
over the Johnson High Eagles
coached by your very former
protege, Alan Arnoldi.
Now my question to
you coach is this.
Do you get a feeling in
the pit of your stomach
that the ship has sailed?
You know, that you're through?
That perhaps this
game, this very game
may be your swan song?
Sir?
- Howard, Bruce.
- Malone, the erudite
field commander,
his sagacity on and off
the gridiron well known
in these circles throughout
his tenure at City
has grown obviously tremulous
over tomorrow's
showdown with Johnson.
(whistle blowing)
- Captain Flitt,
front and center.
- [Flitt] Yes, sir.
- All right, tomorrow men,
is the biggest game of your
lives, the championship game.
I only wish that Chester
W. Hick could be around
to see his trophy returned
to its rightful place.
Chet, god rest his soul
must have had an uneasy
rest these last few years
knowing his trophy
was at Johnson High!
Well you guys are
gonna get it for us.
Now I'm counting on you.
Your school is counting on you.
And Chester W. Hick
is counting on you!
Now what do you want?
- [All] Hick Cup!
- What?
- [All] Hick Cup!
- I can't hear you!
- [All] Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
Hick Cup, Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
- All right, hit the
showers, come on!
- [Team] Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
- Now hold up a minute there.
(whistle blowing)
And remember, men, no
nookie until after the game,
you hear me?
It saps your strength.
- [Team] Hick Cup,
Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
Hick Cup, Hick Cup, Hick Cup!
Nookie, nookie, nookie,
nookie, nookie, nookie,
nookie, nookie, nookie!
- [Alan] All right, Johnson
High, let's go, boys.
This is the year for
the Hick Cup, let's go.
♪ Yeah it's getting down to
♪ It's getting down
yeah it's getting ♪
(whistle blowing)
(grunting)
♪ Down to the crunch
(whistle blowing)
- Gary, you all right?
- Yeah I'm all right, coach.
- All right, good
penetration, good hustle.
However, that was a late hit.
Could cost us 15 yards.
We don't wanna lose
the game on penalties.
Number two, Gary's our
starting quarterback tomorrow.
We wanna keep him healthy.
All right, Gary.
Don't let them push
you out of that pocket.
Hang in the pocket.
Extra fraction of a second
could make a completion.
- Yeah, but Rose
missed a hit, man.
- Rose, tighten it up.
He won't miss it tomorrow.
All right, run it again.
- All right, huddle up!
Let's go, come on, huddle up.
Ready, break!
- [Player] On the ball,
on the ball, on the ball.
Ready!
- That's a very
worthwhile ambition, Kathy
but are you sure the Peace
Corps is still hiring?
- Well if they're not,
there's always Hump.
- Hump?
- Humans Under Mental Pressure.
- Oh yes, of course. (chuckling)
Perhaps you should
reconsider college, Kathy.
- Miss Reed, college will
be just like high school.
Everyone concerned with their
own personal gratification.
I mean where are the
Berkeleys of today
and the protest rallies?
- Ah yes, I haven't had a
good one since the war ended.
- I really envy you, Miss Reed.
Back in your day you had causes.
- Yes.
Yes it was exciting.
Oh there was one summer
on the Indian Reservation
I'll never forget. (chuckling)
The drums, the
tepees, the Chief.
- And marching on Selmo with
Marlin and Sidney and Harry.
Oh god, Miss Reed,
that must have been an
incredible experience!
- Oh yes, it was stimulating.
- What I mean, Miss Reed
is, you've done it all.
I mean you really had your
head in the right place.
Kids today, all they think
about is sex and football.
They're so shallow.
- Oh I know what
you mean, Kathy,
I understand your frustration.
Think of it this way.
Football turns a boy into a man.
- [Alan] Watch the run,
linebackers, stick to it.
That's it guys, come on,
teamwork, looking good.
- Set, hut!
(grunting)
- Ooh.
- Coach, Coach Arnaldi!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm indestructible.
- [Alan] Huddle
up guys, team up!
- I just wanted to say good
luck in the game tomorrow
and we're all behind you.
- Well thank you
very much, Miss Reed.
See you tomorrow.
- Mhmm.
- All right guys, listen up.
City's gonna run all
day long tomorrow.
I wanna see a nice tight D
against a sweep right, okay.
(laughing)
- What?
- Who's that?
- Oh it's that little
nerd from City.
- What should we break first,
his camera or his head?
- Wait, wait, I've got an idea.
Kathy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are we glad to see you.
- Yeah?
- We've got this problem, see?
- [Kathy] On the field or off?
- [Jerry] It's the vanilla
double dip with the camera
and we could use some
camouflage from you.
- Hut hut!
(whistle blowing)
- [Alan] All right, all
right, looks smooth.
- [Jerry] Nice to see you
out in the daylight, Weasel.
See anything you like?
- [Freddy] Check the
mad looking threads.
- Oh, hello fellas.
- You look at this.
Your mama dress you that way?
- [Kathy] Hi guys.
- Hi Kathy.
- Hi, Kathy.
- Oh, hi.
- Don't you edit City
High's school paper?
- Ah, yeah.
- Yeah, hey listen.
I got something you
could really get into.
- You do?
- Yeah.
It's um, something that
means an awful lot
to me, and well,
I'd like to share it with you.
- With me?
- Yeah.
Whales.
- [Weasel] Whales?
- [Kathy] It's a
terribly important part.
- [Weasel] Yes, I
think I read about it.
- Moby Dick, Sperm Whale.
Humpback Whales.
(whistle blowing)
- All right!
All right, huddle
up here, team up.
(whistle blowing)
Sweet move, Ronnie.
Head fake inside
really spun you open.
- In, out.
And in, out.
- Tell you how important
tomorrow's game is,
championship game.
You're going up
against a rough, tough,
well-coached football team.
However, you look ready.
Let's go out there
tomorrow and beat City High
fair and square.
Let's keep that Chester
W. Hick Cup right here
at Johnson where it belongs.
(team cheering)
Hit the showers, boys.
- Whoah, take it easy
fellas, I'm wired here.
- [Alan] How you doing, Jack?
- Hey Alan.
- Sorry you missed the practice.
They're looking like pros.
- Yeah, can I ask you a few
questions about the game?
- Sure.
Shoot, anything for the
Cavalcade of sports.
(clearing throat)
- Coach Alan Arnoldi, as
you stand at the pinnacle
of your short but
illustrious career,
poised to lead your
charges once more
into the fray, so to speak,
against your arch-enemies
the City High Moose,
coached by the dreaded
Bulldog Malone,
my question is this.
Do you anticipate a
tension-filled encounter
or is it as they say,
how you play the game?
- Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
(light rock music)
(hooting and cheering)
- Yo, Pigger.
(snorting)
(humming)
- Hey Flitt, what
time's the pep rally?
- Eight o'clock.
OT, if you don't get
out of my mirror,
- It's gonna reject your face.
- Get out of here.
- Hey be cool, my man.
I'm as pretty as I'm gonna get.
Hey Pigger, you
going to the rally?
(snorting)
Ah, you ain't the only one.
Nobody's gonna sleep tonight.
- Diane.
Can I borrow your
blue shirt tonight?
- Sure.
- How do you wear
those tight jeans?
Doesn't it drive you crazy?
- Yeah.
- That's too much
butt out for me.
- He took me to the Chem lab.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
There we were in the dark
and he's telling me
how much he loves me.
He says he's crazy
about my hair, my eyes.
- Wow.
- Then we kissed and
I felt his tongue
going down my neck
and over my shoulders.
- [Woman] Oh you're
kidding, my god.
- What happened next?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Little bastard got his
braces caught in my bra.
(laughing)
- Now remember, I stuck
my neck out for you guys.
I almost got killed for this.
- Man, that's what we
sent you there for.
- [Man] Just throwing
the first time.
- [Man] What the
hell's that, Weasel,
your family portrait?
It can't be, they're
too good looking.
- That's Holbeck!
I can tell by the
way he's smiling.
- Something
obviously went wrong.
(buzzing)
(groaning)
- What's going on in here?
Do you have permission to use
this machine after school?
Don't you know there's
an energy crisis?
Don't you know that
electricity cost money, huh?
You got a note from
the shop teacher?
I didn't think so.
You just got no sense of
responsibility, you hear me?
Well next time, you damn
sure better get one.
(groaning)
(light music)
- [Mom] All right, Mom speaking.
Now listen, you Johnson
people, stay on your side
of the room, and you City
people stay on yours.
We don't want no repeat
of last year's action.
Took me two weeks to get the
place back in shape, got it?
- O'Toole!
Hey man, you remember last week
when you and Pigger force
fed Weasel 20 hamburgers?
- That was too much.
- Yeah it was, wasn't it.
You remember the mess
it made coming back up?
- All over the walls.
- All over the walls.
Well I was here till two
o'clock in the morning
cleaning it up, O'Toole.
Don't let it happen again, man.
- Okay.
- Stupid kids, ha Sheila?
- Must be, Mom, they're
eating your food.
- Murph, look at the jug.
Look at the jugs
on that one, huh?
Hell, if they had girls like
that when I was growing up
I wouldn't be
packing heat today.
Ever see what happens to them
after they smoke that marijuana?
They get crazier than
chicken ice cream.
You know what I mean, partner?
- [Murph] I've
gotta go to the can.
- What's the matter with you?
You're always hitting the can.
Keep it up and they're gonna
name a stall after you.
(giggling)
- You know those
City High girls,
they're really beautiful.
I'm sorry, I'm kidding.
(slurping)
(humming)
(puffing)
♪ Yes you know I could
♪ Swimming pools
and six door cars ♪
♪ Take me to Hollywood
♪ Take me to Hollywood
♪ Hollywood, if I could
I would be there ♪
♪ If I had my own way
♪ But there's just
too much to do here ♪
♪ Long while I
dreaming my life away ♪
(whistling)
- Hey Murph, what's up?
Big game tomorrow.
You in crowd control district?
- Mhmm.
- Should be a while.
You'll have your hands full.
See you already do. (laughing)
It helps if you exhale,
Murph. (laughing)
- Hey Flitt.
What'll it be for
the City High Flash?
- Oh let me see, I'll have a
coke and some fries and uh,
you to go.
- Hey listen, you
know the price is high
and the goods are choice.
You think you're up
to giving it a shot?
Oh, hey lover.
- Hey Sheila, you miss me today?
- No way, Mandel.
- She's crazy about me.
- [Flitt] Yeah, sure shows.
- Hey hon, how you doing?
- Ah, better than most.
- Well you sure looking
pressed and spiffy today,
I must say.
- Yeah well you're looking
pretty foxy yourself, you know.
- Thank you.
- I hear the Precision
Prancers are gonna perform
at half time like last year.
- Hey listen, you know we
did have fun last year.
- Yeah, until the
riot busted out.
Drink it.
That's why you're in
the can all the time.
- You ready to order?
- Oreos, green peppers, a
burrito with sour cream.
A couple cheeseburgers,
heavy on the chili.
Strawberry shake,
order of onion rings,
and a grape snow cone.
- Oh god, Murphy, ugh.
- Sheila, do you have
any chicken ice cream?
- I wanna stop now.
- Come on.
Damn, I've gotta
meet Mandel at Mom's.
Come on, we don't have time.
- I wanna talk.
Okay, if I'm gonna expect
others to become committed,
I've gotta set an example.
I've gotta make a
personal sacrifice.
- Sounds reasonable to me.
Come on, we've only
got 14 minutes.
- Gary, I'm thinking
of abstaining from sex.
- You're what?
- We better get down to Mom's.
(chattering)
- Hey, by the way,
where is Pigger?
(crowd chattering)
(whistling)
- No, call me Mom.
(snorting)
Don't have all.
You know, eating
up all the puffers
ain't gonna help me put
you through medical school.
Don't talk back to your father,
now get out of here.
Eh.
Kids, could have had
a Dobermann Pincher
instead of that big mouth there.
- [Woman] Yo, there's Pigger!
- [Crowd] Pigger,
Pigger, Pigger, Pigger.
- Yuck, that's Pigger Peterson.
- Is he ever ugly.
- He's dangerous.
- [Man] Hey Pigger,
how about some chow?
- Hey, hold on Pigger,
that's already spoken for.
Hey!
- Hey Pigger,
don't start nothing
you'll be sorry for later.
- Everybody keep cool.
- The guy's a lunatic.
- [Man] That's our food, Pigger!
Put your beef through nagahai!
Go for it, wild man!
- [Cop] Who ordered this?
- [Murph] Looks like
he chewed it for you.
- Remember what the
coach said, no violence.
- [Man] Have a seat, Pigger!
- [Man] Do it for City, Pigger.
- He wouldn't dare do it.
- Oh my god.
- Revenge is gonna be sweet
against you City High clowns.
(laughing)
- You just ruined an
officer of the law's lunch.
I'd lock you up and
swallow the key.
Now take that back
to the kitchen
and get me another number two.
- Can't you ever chew your
food like a normal human being?
Is that too much to ask?
(laughing)
(clapping)
- Come again!
Don't worry, we'll get the tip.
- Hey guys, where you going?
- Plenty here where
there's gonna be a war.
(laughing)
- What happened?
- Pigger.
- Hey Sheila, we'll
have two orders of fries
and a large chocolate
shake, two straws.
- Yeah sure.
Well listen, your chocolate
shake's over there
somewhere between Bob and Linda.
You might find your
fries on the dance floor
behind the pinball machine,
there's a couple on this wall.
- [O'Toole] That was
some sweet stuff.
- We could sucker in
their lineman like that
unless they decide to blitz.
- [Gary] We're gonna trap
the five should whip.
- You know, that Kathy
Wilton has possibilities.
- Man, you could
forget about that.
That's Gary Leonard's girl.
- Oh yeah?
Ten bucks says I can
get it on with her
before kickoff tomorrow.
- You're on.
- Well, if they blitz, I'll
call an audible at the line.
- Have either of you two
boycotted lettuce lately?
- [Mandel] Well we could do a
quick pitch to the fullback.
- Yeah maybe that'd work
but I don't think so.
- Excuse me, I'm
going to get some air.
- Maybe we could have
Blunt run a play over here.
- [Gary] Or I could
throw a quick screen
off the play action pass.
(slapping)
- Oh, hi Kathy.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm going to use
our conversation
as my next Man on Campus
piece in the Gazette.
- No, we could use the exposure.
- Your concern centers
on the sperm whale.
- Yeah, both species--
- Wexler.
This must be the lady you
were telling me about,
one who's enough to
Save the Whales group.
- Ow!
Um, Kathy Wilton,
this is Richard Plitt.
- Hi, Richard.
- Hello, Kathy.
- Now back to my
Man on Campus piece.
I can just fill in the holes.
- What?
- You know Kathy, there
are far too few of us
concerned with what we
are doing to this world.
Look, I was just on my way home.
Can I drop you somewhere?
- Um, I don't know.
- Yeah, flank both
receivers, go inside.
- Sure, why not?
If it's not out of your way.
- No, it's no problem at all.
- Sounds good.
That way we overload the zone
and been on the plank and
reverses to the weak side.
♪ Visions of loving
you in parlay ♪
♪ Wishing we hadn't
met but blindly ♪
♪ Seeing you here is
all I could stand ♪
♪ I'm only a man
who has harley ♪
♪ Visions of loving
you in harley ♪
♪ Wishing we hadn't
met so blindly ♪
♪ Seeing you here
is all I can stand ♪
♪ I'm only a man
- And another thing.
Do you realize
that in this world,
22 million people, they go
to bed hungry every night?
- That's right.
And what does the
government do about it?
Absolutely nothing.
- Right, what does it
spend its money on, guns.
- Yeah, guns.
- They expect the
hungry to eat guns.
- Exactly.
Well, I better get going in now.
- Okay.
- Richard, I can't
remember when I've enjoyed
a conversation more, really.
- Same with me.
You know a woman who
thinks is so rare.
- So is a man who listens.
- We really have
a lot in common.
Maybe we can pick up on
this conversation again.
- Well I really
gotta get going now.
- [Flitt] Okay.
- Oh, remember, no
lettuce tonight.
- Who me, you kidding?
Take care.
- Yeah, bye bye.
- Bye bye.
(sighing)
Another lucky chick
about to get my bod.
(car starting)
- [Announcer]
Hello, sports fans.
Earlier today, Jack Maguire
stood on the field of battle.
Now, here is Jack Maguire
with his Cavalcade
of Sports update.
- [Jack] Thank you, Ed.
All right let's take
some calls from the fans
as we watch them here on
the eve of the 31st meeting
between Johnson and
City High Schools.
- [Stanley] Jack,
this is Stanley.
I just wanna say that coach
Arnoldi of Johnson High
is an idiot!
An incompetent jerk, and a wet--
- [Jack] Hold it,
hold it, hold it.
We'll have none of
that on my program.
(revving)
(humming)
(gurgling)
- Hello, Coach Arnoldi.
- Hello Miss Reed.
- Why don't you just
put this on your tee
and sink it deep?
- Sink it deep?
(screaming)
- Come on, are you ready
to lick the opposition?
- Oh aagh!
(parade music)
- We're gonna win
that Hick Cup, baby
'cause I'm gonna
make an end run!
- Oh, give me that cup!
- Oh, god!
All right, position, get
in position, position!
Hike hike hike hike hike!
Aaagh!
- That's right.
- Oh come on, Bulldog.
You've been threatening to
quit for the last five years.
- Yeah but this time
I may just do it.
And I tell you one thing.
This time I'm gonna
go out in style.
Now we're in good shape
for the game tomorrow.
When that final gun sounds,
old Chet's cup will be
back where it belongs
at City High!
- Goddamn right.
You know I get pissed
off every time I think
of Arnoldi holding
on to our Hick Cup.
- You got the last
one, didn't you Frank?
- Mhmm.
- Yeah this one's on me, Ralph.
- Got you covered.
Bulldog, kick ass!
- You got it, baby.
- Hey I'll drink to that.
- Here here!
Hey Bulldog, remember the
championship game back in 50?
- I remember, I remember.
- And what a back two we had.
Christman.
I'll never forget him.
- We were a damn good then.
- What do you mean then,
tomorrow's the big day.
Tomorrow we're gonna
drive into the wall.
Tomorrow's when we
win, you hear that?
City High tomorrow!
- I'll drink to that.
- Give us another
round on me, Ralph.
- [Ralph] Got you.
Here you go.
- It's hard.
Well, just a little mug.
- [Ralph] Got you covered.
- [Man] A toast!
To Coach Malone's
lucky longjohn!
(crowd cheering)
- [Alan] Oh, plug that hole.
Plug that hole!
Oh!
Goddamn, what'd you do to me?
- [Miss Reed] Oh, screw
the air brakes, go for it!
(whistling)
- Go in!
Timeout!
- Oh sorry, I didn't
hear the whistle.
- Jesus, look what you
did to me, you bit me.
You know what that
means, don't you?
- Oh no.
- [Alan] Oh yes.
- Oh no.
- [Alan] Oh yes.
- Oh no.
- Yes!
It's a penalty, unnecessary
roughness, biting!
15 yards!
- And a first down.
- And a first down!
Oh, dime play, dime play!
Dime play!
(shouting)
(beeping)
(doorbell ringing)
- Richard!
- Hi.
- Hi, what a surprise.
- Well.
You know, after I
left this afternoon
I stopped by the bookstore and
I picked this up for you.
- Organic Faith Healing, oh wow!
Richard, this is fantastic!
Oh but you shouldn't have.
These books are
really expensive.
- I knew you'd like it.
Katherine, the truth is,
I just wanted to see you again.
- Oh Richard, I'm
really touched.
- [Miss Reed] Oh come
on Coach, that's it.
Come on, come on!
(moaning)
- [Alan] Touchdown.
- [Miss Reed] Touch down.
- There's more to life
than just football.
- You know, that's exactly
what I've been trying
to tell him.
He won't listen to me.
- Hmm.
(car honking)
- That's Gary.
- Kathy, I'd really
like to see you again.
I'll be at Mom's tonight at 10.
- I don't know.
- Mom's at 10?
(doorbell ringing)
And remember, if
you ever need me,
all you have to do is
(snapping) snap your fingers.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Flitt!
- Hey Gary, how was Tricks?
- What are you doing here?
- Just dropped by
to deliver a book.
- Organic Faith Healing?
My work, Flitt.
Take a hike.
- Hey, come on, Gary.
Let's keep the rivalry
on the field, okay?
Enjoy the book.
- Thank you.
- Good luck in the
game tomorrow, Gary.
See you around.
- Yeah, right.
- You'll get your horseplay.
Come on, we're gonna be
late for the pep rally.
Hey, how did you get home
from Mom's this afternoon?
- I walked.
- Belt.
(slapping)
Thank you.
- Mmm.
Oh Coach.
Goodbye, Coach Arnoldi.
- Goodbye, Miss Reed.
(laughing)
(rock music)
♪ She's life's fascination
♪ She never says much
more than hello ♪
♪ That's a lie
- Come on, you're not serious.
- You know, that's it.
You never think I'm serious.
That's why I'm taking
a vow of chastity.
It's a life decision.
It says to everyone,
she's dedicated.
- But can't it start tomorrow?
Come on.
You know, I bet none of
the other guy's girls
are doing this to them tonight.
- You know, you're right,
they're probably not.
Which brings up another point.
I am sick and tired
of being known
as Gary Leonard's girl.
- Look, I'm just
trying to understand!
- You don't understand!
Okay, I thought I had
explained it to you.
There are just more
important things
in my life than sex, okay?
- Kathy!
Kathy!
Name two.
- Trouble with Kathy?
- She's got a new cause.
She's trying to drive me crazy.
Or maybe she's just
trying to become
a virgin again, you know.
- Ah, women.
Sometimes they're a
real pain in the ass.
Hey, I've got a couple
joints in my car.
If you can't get laid,
why not get ripped?
Come on, we'll go over to Mom's.
- Yeah.
(laughing)
- [Announcer] All
right Johnson students.
This is your principal,
Mr. Orr speaking.
It's getting late.
Time to wind down this rally.
- [Man] Hey Mr. Orr, you suck!
- [Ralph] Hey, Bulldog, how's
that kid Ferguson coming?
- He's fast.
But he's not as
fast as Greenberg.
- [Ralph] 90 yard run.
And you threw the key block.
- Remember?
He should have turned pro.
Greenberg was the
fastest man on two legs.
What the hell is he doing now,
a goddamn insurance salesman.
- [Man] Well, speaking
of insurance, I
gotta call my bookie.
Good night, coach.
Good luck tomorrow.
- [Coach] Thanks Warden.
- See you, Coach.
- Take it easy, Carmine.
You're late.
- [Man] Grr, watch it, Arnoldi!
- Good luck.
- You too coach, good luck.
- Who's taking
Frank home tonight?
- [Man] Not me, I took
him home last night.
- (sighing) Looks
like I'm elected.
Come on.
Your horse is ready.
- [Ralph] Goodnight, Bulldog.
- [Flitt] Not only are
you doing me a favor,
you're doing your
school a favor.
- [Chris] Cut it Flitt,
I'm doing it for the money.
- [Flitt] Okay,
you know the plan.
- [Chris] Yeah I know it.
Just relax, we'll keep him busy.
- What's she hanging in for?
- You don't think I'm
gonna take Gary Leonard on
by myself, do you?
- Well I don't know, Chris.
Maybe I should go home.
My mom will kill me if
I stay out all night.
- Kim, you promised.
- Yeah, but.
- Look, there's no way
we can get into trouble.
It's two to one.
- Don't you guys think
we've carried this
a bit too far?
- Not when it comes to winning.
Okay look, I put a bong
and a couple of pipes
in the glove
compartment in the back.
I'll pick up the truck from you
after the game tomorrow, okay?
(sighing)
♪ Oh there must be
something more ♪
(revving)
(crowd cheering)
- Well, we're here.
- Why are we here?
- Look man, we volunteered,
don't you remember?
- Oh yeah, the
Johnson High kamikaze.
- Oh come on, man.
Think of Malone's face
when he can't find
his lucky longjohn.
Come on, he'd go
out of his tree.
- (sighing) All right, let's go.
- Right, and remember,
if anybody asks,
we transferred yesterday.
(crowd cheering)
- And I don't want you
coming here anymore!
- Oh Mom, this is
so embarrassing.
- Oh, I've had my eye on
you for a long time now.
Or haven't you noticed?
- Yeah I've noticed.
But I know you're kidding.
- Oh I don't kid when
it comes to two things.
- [Sheila] Yeah, what's that?
- Football and my women.
- Honey, stick to football.
(sighing)
- Sheila, two of Mom's specials
and have yourself a coke on me.
- Mhmm.
- Hi Kathy.
- [Woman] The things I've
heard about the people
who hang around that
place, they're very fast.
I don't want you hanging
around that kind of a crowd.
- [Woman] Oh come on.
- [Woman] I've
raised you properly,
I want a beautiful girl.
(blues harmonica music)
- Yeah, play, play, yeah!
Woo!
(laughing)
(belching)
- There he is.
Think we can handle them both?
- [Kim] I'll try.
- Hey guys.
Wanna take a ride?
We got Flitt's van for the night
and we're gonna be
really lonely in it
all by ourselves.
- Come on Gary, we
ought to help them out.
- Well if you guys
aren't interested,
I guess tonight just
isn't our night.
- Gary, please.
- Yeah.
Let's go.
- Hey, all right!
(harmonica playing)
- [Chris] Welcome aboard.
Care for a little something
from room service?
- Wow, this place
looks like a motel.
- [Mr. Orr] This is Mr.
Orr, your principal, again.
Johnson students, I am
getting very, very annoyed.
This rally has got
to come to an end.
Enough is enough!
- [Man] Ah, no one's listening
to you, you meathead!
- [Kathy] Hey Mandel,
wait a minute.
Mandel, wait a minute, will you?
Well at least wait
until we stop.
- [Mandel] We stopped.
Okay, now let's go.
- Duck!
- Where are we?
- Shh.
Quick, in here.
(chuckling)
(mumbling)
Shh!
- My god.
The girls' locker room!
(chuckling)
♪ Everybody needs love
(coughing)
- What the hell did
you put in here?
- Beer.
- Beer?
- Mhmm.
- [Gary] Well I like it.
- You two look like
a couple of gamblers.
- Depends, Chris.
What's the game?
- How about strip poker?
- Deal the cards!
- Yoo hoo hoo.
- Oh yoo hoo, check this out.
Ain't they sweet?
- Oh my.
Let's split, man,
have fun, one second.
- Come on man, come on.
We gotta get out of
here, come on, get going.
- What here, here?
Oh man, we got to
find Malone topless.
- Yeah right, hold on a second.
- [Freddy] Cousin!
- [Jerry] Can't forget
Malone's new panties.
- Blows.
- Beats me.
- Guess this isn't my day.
Ooh, it's chilly in here.
I hope you don't mind if
I snuggle up next to you.
(giggling)
- Damn I wish I'd been
born a quarterback.
- This sure beats solitaire.
- I think this is the place.
- Catch some lights
man, it's dark here.
Confidential, even.
Key's gotta be here
someplace, huh?
You don't think he carries
them with him, do you?
- I hope not.
Quick, quick!
- We're in business! (laughing)
- Let's go.
Ah, yeah.
Now you're talking, come on.
Hold this.
Come on, man, come on!
Damn!
Nailed it.
(laughing)
- His longjohns!
All right!
(sniffing) ah.
Malone's gonna croak!
Put it back.
Come on man, let's
get out of here.
- Lucky longjohns,
you belong to us.
- [Mr. Orr] Johnson
students, I am not going
to repeat this again.
This is Mr. Orr, your
principal speaking.
- You know Richard, I'm
discovering how nice
it is to be with someone
who doesn't think
that everything I do,
everything I care about
is some sort of joke.
- Joke?
Kathy, everything
you do is special.
'Cause you're a
special person to me.
I admire a woman who
sticks to her commitments.
- We'll work together, Richard.
We will make people realize
that there are battles
to be fought.
Isn't it exciting?
To know that a man and
woman can be perfectly happy
in a non physical relationship?
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
- Come on you guys,
let's see what you got.
- [Chris] She means
your cards, fellas.
- Ten high.
- Threes and sevens.
- Zip.
- Read them and weep.
Straight flush.
- [Mandel] Gary, I'm so
glad you talked me out
of going into the priesthood.
- Down, hey!
- [Chris] Hot stuff.
Look at those legs.
- [Mandel] I think I
feel a draft.(laughing)
- [Chris] This'll keep you warm.
(laughing)
- I guess the turning
point in my life was
when I saw Jane Fonda cohost
the Mike Douglas show.
Richard, stop it.
- Well, I can't
help myself Kathy,
I'm so turned on by your mind.
I've got to have you.
- Richard, let go.
- Look, you don't want
me to stop, come on!
- Richard, cut it out!
- Quit wriggling around!
- Get out of here!
Go on, get out!
You don't care about me.
You only care about yourself.
You're just like everyone else.
- Hey, I'm not like
everybody else.
I'm the best.
- You're the pits.
Richard.
Shove it.
- Okay fellas.
Let's see what you got.
- Eight high.
- Two pair.
- (sighing) Looks like I win.
Now we'll see who's
got the joker.
(honking)
- [Mandel] What
the hell was that?
(snorting)
- The women set us up!
- Come on, let's get those
guys from Johnson high!
- The hell with the guys,
let's go get the girls!
- [Chris] Get out
of here, Pigger!
(shouting)
- [Announcer] Good
afternoon and welcome
to the 31st annual Chester
W. Hicks Cup Memorial Game.
This is Hank Banks,
your game announcer.
We have a beautiful day
for this important meeting
between the Johnson High Eagles
and the City High Moose.
Principals Orr and Equirtzel
have asked me to impart a
few of the do's and don'ts
for today's behavior.
School spirit is one thing
but let's not get carried away.
There'll be no throwing of
cans, bottles, cherry bombs,
stink bombs, water
bags, tire irons
or other instruments
of destruction.
Persons doing so will
be dealt with promptly.
After all, this is
only a football game.
It's not real life.
- I don't believe it, they
even stole my panties.
- Oh that's okay, so
you better use mine.
- Boy oh boy, am I tired.
- Hey Kim just said
nothing happened.
- Plenty happened.
You ever tried fighting
off a whole football team?
- Who won?
- Are you kidding?
No cheap sex for me.
I'm saving myself for college.
- [Hank] Attention,
ladies and gentlemen,
I want to make a
few announcements.
I'm happy to tell you that
this year, once again,
we will be entertained by
the Precision Prancers.
They seem to be a
little late arriving.
They'll be here.
Now I've been asked
to caution you.
No one is allowed on
the football field.
Of course let's make an
exception, the players.
Any non playing personnel
found on the field during play
will be subject to a fine.
- Hello.
- Ooh!
- Or imprisonment or both.
No consumption of alcoholic
beverages will be condoned.
You don't want a repetition
of last year's
unseemly behavior.
Remember the spirit
of Chester W. Hick.
- Oh that guy.
I'll kill the son of a bitch!
♪ You wanna ride in
the lean machine ♪
♪ You're really in for a fight
♪ Pick a side but you
can pick my team ♪
♪ I'll warn you girl I'm right
♪ Ill play tough
and I play to win ♪
♪ These goods are genuine
♪ You are guaranteed
through time ♪
♪ Girl just jump and slide
♪ Big dog
♪ We can make our amend
♪ Big dog
- Coach Arnoldi, can I just
have a few words with you?
- Sure, Jack, how you doing?
- Fine, big game today.
- Big game today,
everybody's ready.
Starting squad's pretty strong.
We have a good day for football,
I think it's gonna be a
good little game, thank you.
- One other question, coach
that's on the minds of
all my radio listeners
and that is the arm of
quarterback Gary Leonard.
Now rumor has it that he can
no longer throw that long--
- Where are they?
- Where's what?
- Where are they?
Get out of here.
- [Alan] What are
you talking about?
- You know what I'm
talking about Arnoldi.
- I don't know
what you're saying.
- Yes you do!
- We've been joined
by Coach Malone.
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- I'm gonna kill you,
you son of a bitch.
- [Alan] Bulldog!
- Where are they?!
- What?
- My underwear, that's
what I'm talking about!
- [Alan] Underwear?
- Coach Malone
really seems upset.
Something about his underwear.
- You're talking about your
lucky longjohns, Bulldog?
All the years I was
playing for you,
I wanted to take them myself.
- Cheap shot,
Arnoldi, cheap shot.
- I never touched them!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
I really don't know
how to explain this.
Something about Coach
Malone losing his underwear.
How that will affect the
game, none of us know.
- [Hank] Ladies and gentlemen,
we regret to inform you
that the Precision Prancers
marching band is
late in arriving.
But they should be here in time
for your halftime entertainment.
(cheering)
- Nice lens cap, Weasel.
- Johnson calls
tails, tails it is.
Johnson you've
chosen to receive.
City, you've chosen the
west goal to kick from.
- Okay, we'll kick from
this side, let's go.
- [Hank] Please rise and
join Miss Gladys Dalrymple
of the Daughters of
the American Revolution
in the singing of
our national anthem
accompanied by the dulcet tones
of the Golden Straumberg Organ.
♪ Oh say can you see
♪ By the dawn's early light
♪ What so proudly we hailed
♪ at the twilight's
last gleaming ♪
♪ Whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪
♪ through the perilous fight
- [Man] We're lost, Barney.
- [Barney] I know, Phil.
Tell me something I don't know.
Like where the hell are we?
- [Phil] Check the map.
- [Barney] Who's got a map?
- [Phil] You ain't got a map?
- [Barney] You see a map?
♪ O say does that
Star-Spangled Banner yet wave ♪
♪ O'er the land of the free
♪ And the home of the brave
(cheering)
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] And here we go!
Armstrong returns the
opening kickoff 18 yards
to the Johnson High 32 yard line
where it'll be first and 10.
- All right, we'll be
using next set of downs.
- Okay.
- They're in late.
- All right men, get psyched.
- Tough D, tough D!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Gary Leonard
as quarterback
lines up the Johnson High Eagles
for the first defensive
series of today's game.
- Down!
Blue 51!
Check!
Hunt!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Leonard
hands off to Mandel,
a loss of two on the play.
It'll be second down and 12.
- Break!
Down.
Set!
Green 88, green 88!
Hut, hut, hut!
(bashing)
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] That's right,
he's tackled at the 23,
a return of 18.
- Timeout.
- [Hank] We have an injured
player on the field, number 41,
Ed Dubrinski of Johnson High
leaving the field
under his own power.
Now during this pause,
let's have a word
from Cavalcade of
Sports' own Jack Maguire.
- Remind you that at Mr. Tony's,
a little bit off
the top barbershop,
there are never any lines,
six chairs, no waiting,
plus the latest
selection of comic books.
♪ We got the spirit
♪ Come on let's hear it
- [Hank] Johnson ball,
first and 10 near midfield.
♪ I-R
♪ I-T
♪ We got spirit
so let's hear it ♪
- Onslaught, check flair on two.
Onslaught check flair on two.
You saw what happened
to Dubrinski.
Who want's the two.
- I got it, man.
I'll ring his bell so loud
he'll think he plays
hunchback for Notre Dame.
(crowd cheering)
- Down.
Down 22, two 22.
Set, hut!
- Set back defense, go get him.
- Way to hit, JH.
Nice shot.
(cracking)
- Come on, what the hell,
are you blind, goddamit.
You all right?
- Yeah I'm okay.
- All right, get in there.
- We've got to
stick these creeps
before this gets out of hand.
- Okay, open up to me
you guys, let's go.
You and you, I'm gonna take
Leonard off the neck, let's go.
- Down, blue 17, blue 17!
Set.
Hut, hut!
- [Hank] Fumble.
Reggie Wilmont, number 54
recovers for City High.
- Hey!
How about that, eh?
- I'm going deep on
you all day, Leonard
just like I did with
Kathy last night.
Hey, did you ever notice
that birthmark on her thigh?
- Let me up, you bastard.
- Come on guys, break it up.
Get back to your huddle.
- Very nice, thank
you very much, yeah.
Congratulations,
a nice clean hit.
- All right, settle
down, settle down.
Gary, what's going on in there?
- Nothing, coach, nothing.
- [Hank] City High first and 10
at the Johnson High 25.
- Down!
- I'm gonna pop
your berries deep.
Here I come, baby.
I'm gonna chew you up,
I'm gonna hurt you, 24,
you better run 'cause
you'll never walk again!
- [Hank] McCormick loses three,
back to the 28.
Second down and 13.
- One more thing, folks.
Starting on Monday, Mr. Tony's
latest customer convenience
will be car wash service.
- [Hank] The cheerleaders
really add a lot
to the game, don't they folks?
- Down!
Set, hut!
(whistle blowing)
- All right, all right.
(clapping)
- Down!
A41, Blue 25, set!
Hut!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Interception
by Ed Farmwick.
Returned to City's 36 yard line
where it'll be Johnson's
ball first and 10.
- Hey Leonard, I saw you at
the drive in with your date.
I think I heard her bark!
- [Player] Hey, lay
off, his girl's a saint.
- Yeah, a Saint Bernard.
- Blue 15!
Set!
Come on!
(whistle blowing)
- [Hank] Penalty by number
58, roughing the passer.
Number 58, Richard Flitt.
- Hey man, you're spending
a lot of time on your back.
But not as much as Kathy does.
- Get the hell off me!
I'm gonna break both your arms!
(whistle blowing)
- What, hold it.
- [Hank] There seems to
be a slight difference
of opinion on the rose.
- [Ref] Break it
up, break it up.
Come on, back to your
benches, let's go.
- [Hank] During this
pause in play action
let's begin with my good friend
Mom's celebration special.
- It's all over,
back to the bench.
- Break it up!
- Let's go guys.
- Move it, move it, let's go.
- All right, back to the bench,
come on let's go,
come on let's go.
It's all over.
- Come on, get in your
huddles now, let's go.
- All right.
- Huddle it up.
- Come on!
- Come on, let's
move it, come on.
Back to the bench, here we go.
- We're gonna win this game!
- [Hank] And we expect
a good, clean contest.
(bell dinging)
(honking)
(farting and honking)
(boinging)
(crashing)
(boinging)
(squeaking)
(honking)
(farting)
- Hey!
(thwacking)
- Offside!
(honking)
(honking)
- Shake it off.
- Well this could be
Johnson's last chance
to put some points on the
board before halftime.
- [Hank] With less than a
minute left on the clock
before the half, it's
still a scoreless tie.
Leonard brings Johnson
High out on the City
45 yard line where he faces
third down and six to go.
(snorting)
- Learn that from
a Berlitz record?
- Red 56!
Set!
Come on!
(crowd cheering)
- [Hank] Touchdown,
Johnson High!
Leonard pass to
number 81, deep ball.
Hold on, there's a
flag on the play.
We have a personal foul,
number 58 Richard Plitt.
Penalty is declined,
the touchdown stands.
Johnson leads six to nothing.
Gary Leonard shaken
up on the play
is being helped to his feet.
And he seems to be all right.
♪ You know, we got soul
- Poor boy.
- [Team] Break!
- [Hank] Mike Carron, number 59
is on to attempt the extra point
out of a hold by
Armstrong, number 21.
Kick is up, it's good!
- All right!
- [Hank] The gun sounds, it's
the end of the first half
with the score
Johnson High seven,
City High nothing.
Hungry?
Well a quick trip to the
north end of the stadium
will bring you to Mom's Canteen.
Yes sir, Mom himself is here
to serve you his famous
culinary delight,
Mom's Mystery Meat Sandwich.
Guess what you're eating and
win round trip tickets for two
to any City serviced by Amtrak
within a 31 mile radius.
Standby for the
Precision Prancers
expected at any moment.
- I think we crossed
the state line.
- You're a lot of help.
The highway is over there.
- No, it's back there.
- No, no.
- This way, this way.
- Ask Kettles back there.
- Sure, here.
- You're both
nuts, hell with it.
- You go straight.
- [Johnson Player] That's pretty
good, the way you City guys
wear uniforms with
your IQ on your jersey.
- [City Player] Run into
me in the second half baby
and I'll plug you
a one way ticket
into never neverland.
- [Johnson Player] I'll be
on you like white on rice.
Like fleas on a collar!
Like crabs on your mama!
(mumbling)
- [Man] What's into him?
- [Man] It means you
can't make a baby, yeah.
Ask your mom where
your sister came from!
- Gary!
Gary!
- [Alan] Go on Gary, hustle up.
- Gary!
Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Gary!
I just wanna talk
to you for a minute.
- Why don't you
save it for Flitt?
He tells me the two of
you were real close.
- 31 years ago, I walked
out on a football field
and coached my very
first football game.
It was cold, I remember that.
I had 23 budding young
Americans under my arms.
And I wasn't quite sure
whether I could do the job.
Hell, the night before the game
I was sitting by the
stove going with the plans
and I felt very much alone.
Well my mother,
god rest her soul
came over to me and
put her hand in
my head, and said
"Bulldog, it's gonna
be cold tomorrow,
"these are for you."
And she handed me a
pair of red longjohns.
You know, suddenly
I felt stronger,
more sure of myself.
Well I wore them the next
day and we won the game.
I wore them the game
after and we won that one.
I wore them every game that year
and we won the
goddamn championship!
Now I had been wearing
those goddamn red longjohns
for 30 years!
And I'm not wearing them
today, and you know why?
Because some son of
a bitch stole them!
And I feel naked without them.
Powerless!
Like a quarterback
without an arm.
But what about you guys, huh?
What are you doing out there?
You're letting them beat
the shit out of you!
Now when you go back out there
I want you to kick
ass, all right?
Kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass!
Come on you pricks!
Kick ass, kick ass!
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass,
kick ass, kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass,
kick ass, kick ass!
- I'll look for my
goddamn underwear.
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
- Jack Maguire, outside the
men's locker room at City High
where we'll bring you a
behind the scenes view
of the players at halftime.
Oh, oh here's coach Malone.
Coach, your team played
terribly the first half.
Now do you have any strategy
for the second half?
- Bug off.
- The coach has just assured us.
Just a moment.
There's something
strange going on.
It is an unidentified
female walking into
the City High locker room.
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
- Hey Flitt, it's room service.
- Kathy!
(snapping)
- Ah!
(whimpering)
Can I have your name, miss?
- Abdullah the Butcher.
- [O'Toole] Okay Romeo,
where's my 10 bucks?
- Listen up, here
comes the coach.
- All right guys, come on,
team huddle, hustle up.
Listen up guys.
All right.
Bulldog's over there pissed off.
You know why?
Somebody copped his
underpants, boys.
(laughing)
They're old, guys.
I want you to know I
played for him myself.
He had them for 31 years so far
and I don't think he
ever washed them once.
(laughing)
(whistling)
He's over there
telling his ballplayers
just how bad they are gonna feel
if they don't beat
your ass, guys.
He's making them feel guilty.
He's yelling at them.
He's having them storm
out his locker room
screaming "Kill 'em!"
And now it's the
time you guys got now
one more half of football
to play, 30 more minutes.
Everybody got a
chance to go in there
and put out a
superlative effort.
You gotta reach inside and
find that hundred percent
that you got.
All right, guys.
What do you say, Johnson High?
(team cheering)
All right!
What you did out there
was pure pigskin.
Chewed them up, you're my guys,
every one of you.
I believe in you guys.
- Uh, Coach Arnoldi.
- Hi Jack, hi.
- According to my sources,
City High's defensive
lineman, Richard Plitt
will not be in the starting
lineup this second half.
Now will that affect
your strategy?
- Plitt's not starting?
- No, no no.
According to my
sources which are
unimpeachable, I may say,
he was attacked
savagely by a member
of the female gender.
- [Team] Kick ass, kick
ass, kick ass, kick ass!
Kick ass, kick ass,
kick ass, kick ass!
- Chester W. Hick
Cup, you're all mine.
(energetic music)
♪ Big dog
♪ Big dog
(cheering)
♪ Big dog
♪ Big dog
♪ Two pushed it known
once it's also ran ♪
♪ He'll try to stow
you any way he can ♪
♪ He's an air triggered hand
♪ And it's in his command
- Okay huddle up, team
huddle, team huddle.
Go, get in here.
All right guys, this is
what it's all been about.
Keep the adrenaline
pumping 30 more minutes
and we keep the cup.
- Okay men, this is it.
Get them!
Let's go.
- Hey!
(rock music)
- [Hank] City High
takes the field
to receive the
second half's kickoff
trailing in the game
seven to nothing.
- Come on, get them, Bulldog!
(whistle blowing)
♪ Big dog
- All right!
- [Hank] And City High
is on the scoreboard
following the razzle
dazzle running of number 24
Skeez Jeffries, 92
yard kickoff return.
Score is now Johnson
seven, City six.
- Lock it up, boys.
How's Gary's shoulder?
- I think he's good.
- [Hank] Peters to
attempt the extra point
out of the hold
by Bruce Edwards.
- Set, 22, hut!
- [Hank] It splits
the crossbars!
Game is all tied
up at seven apiece.
- That's our way to get 'em!
(cheering)
- Sorry coach.
- It's okay.
- Seven seven, we got
a tie ballgame, folks,
a tie ballgame.
♪ O, U, L, go back
♪ Go back, go back
to the woods ♪
♪ 'cause you haven't
got, you haven't got ♪
♪ You haven't got the goods
♪ You haven't got the rhythm
and you haven't got the jazz ♪
♪ You haven't got the
players that our team has ♪
♪ We got S, O, U, L
♪ S,P
♪ I, R
♪ I, T
♪ We got the spirit
so let's hear it ♪
- [Hank] City High lines
up for the kickoff.
Kraznicki, the deep
back for Johnson
standing on his own goal line.
(whistle blowing)
He takes it at the 10.
And he's again
tackled on the 40.
You can hear the bone splinter
clear up here in the press box.
Johnson, first and 10
at their 46 yard line.
- Down!
Red 41, red 41, hun!
Hut!
- [Hank] Beautiful hit
by Pigger Peterson,
City High's own
med school hopeful.
The play loses 10 yards.
Back to the Johnson
High 30 yard line
where it'll be second
down, 20 yards to go.
- Down!
Blue 12!
Set!
Come on!
- [Hank] It's a 37 yard pass!
- All right!
- Out to Mandel.
Johnson is on the 10 yard line.
- Offside, Blue,
take it back five.
- [Hank] Offside
against Johnson High.
Penalty of five yards.
It'll be second down and 25.
Ford, license 3m2401,
lights are on,
your stereo's on, and
someone's siphoning your gas.
- I'm hurting down there
coach, I can't go in.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Get up on your butt.
- Flitt the shit's back in.
- Hey.
Let's say we run the draw
play right up his ass.
- How you feeling, Flitt?
- Leonard's all mine this play.
I'm gonna let my forearm
get intimate with his face!
- Break!
Come on let's go, let's get it.
- Hey Pigger.
You look like an
armpit that eats.
- Green 17!
- You're mine, Turkey.
I'm gonna fold your
eyelids back like a set
of venetian blinds.
- Blue 63!
- [Johnson Player] Take
a deep breath, Peterson,
it may be your last.
- Hut, hut!
- [Hank] Leonard on in around.
- [Player] It's a round!
- [Hank] Breaks one tackle
at the line of scrimmage.
Sees some daylight.
He's got one last shot at him.
Oh, he broke that tackle!
And he's on his way, the
15, the 10, the five!
Touchdown!
- Touchdown's good,
touchdown's good.
- Dammit!
- All right!
(whistling)
- [Gary] Little jumping
Kokomo rolling seven!
- [Hank] Gary Leonard on
the deep one went 62 yards
for the touchdown.
Johnson leads 13 to seven.
- Gary Leonard with
that spectacular run
could prove to be
the hero of the day.
- Break!
Down!
- [Hank] Once again Carron
on for the conversion
with Armstrong to
do the holding.
- And the kick is good.
Johnson 14, City seven.
And the chicken's on the move.
(clucking)
Chicken.
- [Hank] And if that's
not enough excitement,
the Precision
Prancers marching band
should be here at any moment.
(parade music)
- [Barney] I got
a sinking feeling
that we've been here before.
(whistle blowing)
- We're set to go!
(intense music)
♪ Wanna ride on a mean machine
- [Ref] Personal foul
♪ You're really in for a ride
(whistle blowing)
(growling)
- [Ref] Unnecessary roughness!
(whistle blowing)
Grabbing the facemask.
♪ I play tough and
I play to win ♪
- [Ref] Holding.
♪ These goods are genuine
♪ You wanna guarantee
a good time ♪
- Yeah!
- [Ref] Unnecessary roughness.
♪ Just jump inside
♪ And he does it
- Break!
♪ Big dog
♪ Big dog
- [Ref] Pass interference.
(whistle blowing)
Procedure.
- Hey!
- [Ref] Personal foul,
fearing pass interference.
Unnecessary roughness,
grabbing the facemask.
Personal foul.
- All right!
- Holding,
unnecessary roughness.
- Let's go!
- [Ref] Foul, parking
from the rear, holding.
♪ Big dog
(cackling)
(whistle blowing)
- City, time is in.
- Stop them this
series and it's ours!
Break!
- It's our last shot, guys.
- Now let's make it a good one!
Break!
- [Hank] City lines up.
First and 10 on Johnson
High's 15 yard line.
But with only seconds remaining,
it could be the last
play of the game.
- Set, blue 45!
- I'm gonna crush your grapes.
- I'm gonna eat your face!
- Hut!
- [Hank] Kelly bursts
onto the left side
for a City TD!
And with only two
seconds on the clock,
it's Johnson High
14, City High 13.
And this place is pandemonium
as the City High fans
are on their feet!
- Excuse me.
(crowd cheering)
- Close it up,
guys, close it up.
- Hold on.
We forgot about
our secret weapon.
Now?
- Now.
- Plug that hole!
- Be a hero.
- Come on, hubba hubba.
- Our last chance.
We block that extra point.
- Just take it straight, DD.
That's all you gotta do.
(clucking)
- Hey coach, ain't those
your lucky longjohns?
(whistle blowing)
- My underwear!
Where'd you get those?
Come back here, you.
- Bulldog Malone is following
a chicken on a unicycle.
- What the?
(whistle blowing)
- It's good!
- No, the point is no
good, it's wide, wide!
- Gimme those!
- Oh Coach Malone.
- Stand here, Maguire.
- [Hank] Since we appear
to be in the midst
of a minor break this year,
there maybe a repeat
of previous wars.
- Right.
Rivalries should
stay on the field.
(bashing)
- [Hank] Please!
I hate to see this sort
of unsportsmanlike conduct
on the field of play.
Have you no sense of decorum?
- Come back here, you turkey!
Nobody see the kick?
Come on, did you see it?
- Come on, let's
get out of here.
- Come on, the kick was good.
- It was wide, it was wide.
- You're blind!
Arnoldi, you saw the
kick, it was good!
(women screaming
and Pigger snorting)
(bashing)
- [Hank] This is
absolutely a final warning.
All non playing personnel
still on the field
by the time I count to three
will be promptly sorry.
One, two, three!
- Okay, heads up Jack.
A couple more arrests here.
All right, everybody inside
Let's go, let's go people.
Move it, move it, inside.
- [Man] Gordon, is this another
one of your routine arrests?
- [Cop] Right up to the front.
Book all of these
people, let's go.
- We were robbed!
- [Man] You're lucky
you're still alive.
- [Man] Too bad you
had to cheat to win.
- [Cop] Right up front,
right up to the desk.
Book them all, book them all.
Creating a disturbance.
All right!
(crowd shouting)
- [Man] I want my lawyer!
- Leave that there,
that's evidence.
All right, quiet down here,
you're all under arrest!
- George, that kick was good,
you saw it with your
own eyes, goddamit!
Oh god, there they are.
Give me those!
- [Man] The kick stumbled
out just like your underwear!
(bashing)
- Don't talk to me
like that, George.
- [Man] Come on, take
it easy coach, come on.
(whistle blowing)
- [Reporter] And now,
Eyewitness sports is live
reporting on the City High
and Johnson football game.
- [Woman] Look at that!
Weasel's on TV
with Jack Maguire.
- [Man] Weasel?
- [Man] That jerk?
- [Man] They're both jerks.
- [Jack] Are you
implying, Mr. Wexler
that you're in possession
of irrefutable proof
regarding the extra
point in dispute?
- That's right, Jack.
- You wanna roll the film?
Let's see for ourselves.
- [Man] We tied!
Yeah we tied!
(cheering)
Weasel Wexler for President!
(cheering)
- See you next year?
- Ah, you bet, coach.
By the way, congratulations.
- What about the Hick Cup?
- Hick Cup?
Ah, why don't you take
it till baseball season,
I'll take it after that.
- You got it.
- All right.
- Have a cigar.
- Thanks a lot, Bulldog.
What do you say, Johnson High?
- [Man] That's right, let's go!
(cheering)
(cheering)
- [Hank] Fellow
survivors, I give you
the Precision Prancers
marching band!
Thank god.
(marching band music)
(light rock music)
♪ It's a crazy life
to be taken light ♪
♪ It's a sweet
bird rocking tune ♪
♪ It's a locker game, a
spark of blame I assume ♪
♪ It's a smile that's
wild, a reckless line ♪
♪ It's a three ring circus too
♪ It's a breakneck rhyme
♪ So found something
to hold on to ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You gotta bet a bunch 'cause
we're running out of time ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet a bunch
♪ 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down,
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ It's a cloudless sky
through a painter's eye ♪
♪ The sun sets so
fine you could yell ♪
♪ It's a holiday, a joke
we play on ourselves ♪
♪ If you got a hunch
♪ You gotta lay it on the line
♪ You've gotta bet a bunch
♪ 'cause we're
running out of time ♪
♪ It's getting down,
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah
it's getting down to ♪
♪ It's getting down, yeah it's
getting down to the crunch ♪
♪ Getting down to the crunch
♪ Down to the crunch