Heartbeeps (1981) - full transcript

[ Birds Twittering ]

My name is Crimebuster
0-0-7-1-9.

I'm a copper.

My crime-fighting computer
contains one million microchips,

thousands of circuits--

[ Electrical Sizzling ]

and a couple of loose wires.

I'm the deluxe model.

- I draw my pay. I do my job.
- [ Spraying ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Sniffing ]
Ugh!



Okay, shorty, advance slowly--

And don't make
any sudden moves.

Move or I'll shoot!

[ Beeping ]

It's my job to keep
the community safe...

on land,

on sea...

and in the air.

Hold it, hold it.
Hold it!

Why didn't you see it?

Why didn't it see us?

All right, let's go.
Come on.

[ Female Voice ]
Good morning.

Today's readout says
you are transporting...



a Companion-series robot
to the warehouse.

Please deliver him
to "C" section.

Have a nice day.

Turn your head around.

I hate it
when they do that.

Well, I see
why you're here.

You obviously have
a second-level
appendage laceration.

How'd it happen?

Industrial accident, sir.

Oh, yeah?

I thought you were
a Com-series.

I am.

I was waiting outside
the reprogramming building
as instructed,

but sanitation engineer
Russell Percival Wyatt...

told me to, quote--

[ Man's Recorded Voice ]
"Get your ass over here
and help"--

[ Normal Voice ]
end of quote.

At that time I assisted
several worker robots in lifting
heavy metal refuse containers,

and one fell on my foot,
severing several
ambulatory circuits.

Crazy Rusty
said that to you?

Yes, sir.

So you could
lift trash bins?

Yes.

He's not designed
for that kind of work.

Mr. Weston's gonna
kill Mr. Wyatt.

Some people use a Rolls-Royce
to plow turnips.

Now, watch your step.

Okay, let's go.

You know, Max,
these Com-series
are really something.

I've only seen
five or six.

I like the simple ones.
The G.M.s.

Reliable. Like that guy.

Yes, but, Max,
he's so old-fashioned.

You don't see
too many on the shelf,
do you?

Well, the only reason
he's on the shelf...

is because a trash bin
fell on his foot.

[ Max ]
That's what I'm sayin'.
They're very complicated.

They shouldn't be made
that complicated.

It's the state
of the art right now.

Too complicated.

We don't need that kind
of complications.

It's a complicated world, Max.

Oh, please.
You want people,
use people, not robots.

Beautiful, isn't it?

What was the purpose
of that piece
of communication?

I am practicing
social conversation.

I presume
you are here for damage
to your mental circuitry.

Incorrect.

My designation
is AquaCom 8-9-0-4-5.

I am being custom reconditioned
as a companion hostess
for poolside parties...

and other social functions.

My observation concerning
the beauty of the sunset...

is an example
of human charm.

Charm computes
as an irrelevant exchange
of random data,

therefore it cannot
increase efficiency, correct?

Correct.

However,
for the Com-series robots,
charm increases desirability,

and is therefore
valuable knowledge.

I too am
in the Companion series.

Your designation and function?

I am Val-com 1-7-4-8-5.

Function: to serve
as companion and valet.

Being programmed for charm
was probably
an extra expense,

not as desirable
as my present area
of expertise--

stocks and bonds
with specialized data
on lumber commodities.

Oh.

Um, once you made
that valued judgment...

concerning
the visual arrangement...

of the mountains
and the sunset,

what would be
an appropriate response
of mine?

You would probably
say something like--

[ Recorded Man's Voice ]
Yeah, I know what you mean.

Mountains always make me feel
closer to God for some reason.

Can I get you a drink?

[ Normal Voice ]
Then as you spoke, you would
look at me inquiringly.

And your response to this?

[ Gasps ]
"Oh, thank you.

I'll have a banana daiquiri."

And what would happen
after I brought you
this banana daiquiri...

at this poolside
social gathering?

At this point we would engage
in verbal courting rituals
known as "clever banter."

To what purpose?

To give the human male
companionship,

as well as assisting him
in viewing himself...

as intelligent,
interesting and virile.

That is my assigned function.

[ Rain Pattering ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Object Clanks ]

[ Man ]
Reaction okay.

Judgment okay.

[ Woman ]
Crimebuster
reaction time...

test number 14, check.

Now, let's speed it up.

[ Coughs ]

[ Chuckling ]

Max, look at that.

That's a Crimebuster,
and it's the deluxe model.

[ Max ]
So?

[ Man ]
Well, I'm glad
we came through here.

I've never seen
a deluxe model
Crimebuster before.

Good response.

[ Man ]
Pleasure center appropriate.

[ Wheels Squeaking ]

Still overreacting.

Let's go. Come on!

Sheesh.

Data request.

Proceed.

Can you identify
that atmospheric phenomenon?

Yes. Rainbow.

Function
of a rainbow?

Unknown.

Are your optic senses designed
to pick up all the colors
in the spectrum...

that the human eye
can detect?

Yes,

plus three additional colors.

We would be
mechanically compatible
for many similar functions.

The same thought
just crossed my grid.

[ Object Clanks ]

[ Whirring ]

This one looks all right.

Must be something inside.

Yeah, he's some sort
of comedian.

We'll put him up here.

[ Mutters ]
Grab him.

[ Grunts ]
Wait a minute.

I'll ask him
if he can walk.

Catskil 5-5-6-0-2,

can you function?

Can I function?
[ Chuckles ]
Can you function?

[ Rimshot ]

Max, no.

Now, this is
a very delicate machine.

It's not right to just--

Don't tell me what's right.

Speakin' of right--
I'm stayin' at this
gorgeous hotel.

I told the clerk,
"I got a leak in the sink."

He said, "Go ahead.
Customer's always right."

[ Rimshot ]

[ Kicks Catskil ]

Max, will you please
take it easy?

I remember now.
The dispatcher
was talking about this one.

All he can do
is tell these
stupid one-liners.

He needs a complete
circuit washing.

Let's just get him
stored away, huh?
We haven't got all day.

Come on.

All right.

Pull.

[ Muttering ]

Did you two jokers
hear about the guy
who was killed by a weasel?

Killed by a weasel?
How?

Don't ask, Max.
It'll just be something dumb.

[ Neck Ratcheting ]

Did you hear the one
about the guy
who was killed by a weasel?

[ Max ]
Yeah, come on.

[ Max ]
Okay.

[ Machinery Whirring ]

Hold it. Up.

[ Chuckling ]

What about the guy
who was killed by a weasel?

[ Joints Ratcheting ]

He was sitting
on a railroad track,

and the train came along
and he didn't hear the weasel.

[ Rimshot ]

Down.

[ Max ]
It kills me.

These things are worth more
than you and I'll make
in 10 years.

[ Man ]
Didn't hear the weasel.

[ Rimshot ]

[ Snoring ]

Data request.

Hello.
Speakin' of women--
My wife is so--

[ Aqua ]
Proceed.

Oh, it's you.

I am attempting
to study those
tall perennial trees...

that cover
those distant mountains.

I need to take
a field trip...

with a highly intelligent
companion to help me...

collect, store
and interpret data.

I lack such a unit.

I am the nearest
functioning unit.

Would it be advisable
for me to accompany you...

for purposes of interfacing?

You took the words
right outta my speaker.

Aqua, perhaps
this robot also desires...

to add to his usefulness
by directly acquiring data.

Catskil 5-5-6-0-2,

are you going to accompany us
on a brief but useful
fact-finding mission?

You're beautiful, sweetheart.

What do you comb your hair with,
a blowtorch?

[ Rimshot ]

Uh, pardon me.

Catskil, are you
sufficiently operative...

to walk to the edge
of the woods with us?

Speaking of walking--
That's a hell of a suit, Mac.

Somewhere in town
there's a Buick
with the seat covers missing.

[ Chuckles, Rimshot ]

I believe within
the distorted communication,

there appears to be
a positive answer
regarding walking.

Exactly.
[ Rimshot ]

Max, you're still livin'
in the Dark Ages.

What?

I mean, don't you realize
how fast...

the ParaMeds
and the Com-series
can process data?

They can handle information
at incredible speeds.

Hey, are you guys
playin' or what?

Who needs a contraption
that can do a million
operations in a second?

[ Beeping ]

Huh? Who?

They're overbuilt.

I know, I know.

These new models,
they have circuitry...

that we don't even know
how to use yet.

I mean, they're built
with excess capability.

We're not even sure
what they can do.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't know
what you're talkin' about.

You don't.

Walter,
what do you think?

Look, all I know
is this.

I bought a secondhand
housekeeper for the wife.
An old Datsun.

Wife loves it.
Thinks I'm a hero.

Full house, aces high.

[ Beeping ]

This truck and its contents
might be valuable to us.

It could save us time
and energy depreciation.

I will operate the vehicle.

Do you have the programming
to be a driver?

Affirmative.

[ Beeping ]

Although...
I never really
actually drove before.

[ Laughing ]

[ Val ]
Whee!

Come on, Aqua. Open your eyes.
You're missing all the fun.

Whoa!

My safety monitor
is very active.

Request: Will you drive slower
for increased safety
to our units?

Request denied.

I am now an expert driver
and I have complete control
of the vehicle.

Lots of luck.
I'll get out here.

Hello, card sharps.

[ Max ]
Hey.

Hey, where'd you move
those three 'bots
from "C" Section?

Which ones?

Two Com-series
and a Catskil.

Where'd you
move 'em to?

We didn't.

Well, you better check
on 'em.

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Val Whooping ]

[ Laughing ]

Come on. Get in here.

When I get pressured,
you two get pressured,

and by God, I'm getting it.

Look, Robin,
we're tryin' to find them.

Don't "look, Robin" me,
goddamn it!

Max, we go back,
a long way, I know that,

but the fact is you two
are responsible, right?

I mean,
you were supposed
to be there in "C" Section...

all night long
takin' inventory, right?

All we need
is a couple of days.

[ Robin ]
No. You got
till tomorrow noon...

to locate two Com-series
and one Catskil.

And I know that you
more than anyone here...

can find them
no matter what.

Now get goin'.

What are you lookin' at me
like that for?

'Cause you opened up
your big mouth,
that's why.

Well, I was just trying
to talk to him.

Crimebuster Deluxe reporting
for duty as ordered, sir.

A Crimebuster
always gets his man.

Darkness makes
crime-fighting difficult--

[ Dry Laugh ]
but not impossible.

There. That's a lot better.

Val, my safety monitor
is now extremely active.

I would now like
to submit a second request
for slower speed.

Second request denied.

Aqua, look.

I think I can fit
this truck in between
those two trees.

[ Brakes Screech ]

[ Crash ]

[ Val ]
This truck is broken.

Somebody must have
used it improperly.

Oh, boy.

I see there are
thicker woods ahead,

which would be
the best direction
for us to go...

for additional knowledge
for my specialty--

lumber and its profitable
by-products.

I will soon be able
to apprehend these suspects...

unless they head for Mexico,
which is out of my jurisdiction.

We should look
in the back of this truck...

and see if there is
anything we will need.

There is a great deal
we may later need,

but it's too much
for us to carry.

[ Aqua ]
I have an idea, Val.

Let's build something we can
put these spare parts in
to accompany us.

Okay.

[ Ratcheting ]
Well, good evening,
ladies and germs.

It's certainly good
to be back here
in the mountains.

My agent always said
my act belongs outdoors.

Speakin' of animals--

I saw a Volkswagen drive by
with a giraffe stickin' out
of the window.

Cop says,
"What's with the giraffe?"

Guy says,
"I'm takin' him to the zoo."

Next day the guy
drives by again
with the giraffe.

Cop says, "Hey,
I thought you took him
to the zoo."

Guy says,
"Yeah, he liked it so much,

now I'm takin' him
to Disneyland."

[ Rimshot ]
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

You've been a hell
of an audience.

If you like the act,
my name is Catskil.

If you didn't,
I'm Milton Boil.

Applause, applause.

I am the deluxe
model Crimebuster.

There is nothing,
nothing that can stop me.

Look, Aqua.
It has your wiring.

Yes, Val,
but it has your circuits.

[ Whirring ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeping, Whirring ]

Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy.

Well, here comes trouble.

[ Beeps ]

Aha. Just what we need--
a walking toaster.

Max, slow down!

Are you kiddin'?
They should be
just ahead.

Okay, let's keep up
the pace.

[ Aqua ]
This machine
is very well built.

Let's go, Catskil.
Come on.

[ Muttering ]

Val, what should we name
this spare-parts carrier,
portable power tool?

I have no programming
for such a decision.

Then I think we should
call him Philco.

Yes, it is accurate
and efficient.

[ Beeping ]

Isn't this nice, Philco?

[ Beeps ]

You're doing very well, Phil.

Now, check the truck.

Charlie, check the truck.

Okay. All right.
I'll check the truck.

See what's in there.

Jesus.

Hey, Max.

The dashboard's missing.

Now why would robots
take a dashboard?

You think too much.

Maybe the robots
did this on their own.

[ Chuckles ]

It could be.

[ Aqua ]
At a cocktail party I once
heard the following data.

"Only God
can make a tree."

What is the definition
of "God"?

God is an irrational
unknown variable...

which humans associate
with the value judgment
known as "goodness."

If only God
can make a tree,

God is very efficient.

Correct.

God makes the trees,

and then humans make from them
a variety of paper products...

ranging from wrapping paper
for gala events...

to interoffice memos.

I am particularly
looking forward
to finding a plywood tree.

The machines
aren't anywhere around,

so, uh, we're heading back.

You guys aren't done yet.

A helicopter's
on its way in
with Babe Aldrin.

She'll find 'em for you.

[ Phil Beeps ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Aqua ]
Where is
the Phil unit?

I don't know.

Phil?

Phil!

Phil?

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping, Whirring ]

[ Helicopter Passing ]

Phil, report here
at once, please.

Phil.

Hello? Hello?

[ Aqua ]
Use your bow-tie
directional finder.

[ Singsong Voice ]
Yoo-hoo.

Oh, excuse me.

Phil.

Where are you?

Aqua, I assumed
you were watching the Phil unit.

In the future, please
devote additional concentration
on this simple task.

Incorrect.
Task is not simple.

I advise you to share
this responsibility...

as it is surprisingly
energy draining.

Do you agree?

[ Beeping ]

Audio problem.
Repeat, please.

Val, I asked
if you would agree to share
this responsibility...

and watch Phil yourself.

He's in that direction.

[ Groaning ]

How fast are we going?

Oh, about 120. Why?

[ Groans ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Val ]
Phil? So there you are.

Why didn't you respond?

I repeat,
explanation required.

Val, wait.

Continual questioning could
jam his delicate circuitry.

[ Beeping ]

Come on, Phil.

It's all right.

[ Beeping Continues ]

Okay, okay.

Aqua, you know,
I am concerned that Phil
becomes lost very easily.

Yes, we cannot
have our spare parts
wandering off on their own.

Yes.

I know.
I will give him my
bow-tie direction finder.

Phil, won't you look handsome
in Val's bow tie?

[ Phil Beeping ]

Now that
you mention it, Phil,
that's absolutely true.

I cannot rest.

It is my duty
to make the world safe
for democracy.

[ Max ]
Let's head back.

I guess you don't care
about the pay penalties, huh?

What are you
talking about?

You two kill me.

You really don't know, huh?

It's just like
losing your rifle in the army.

You guys are gonna
have to pay for us.

Well, it's up to you.

Where the hell we goin'?

You said to turn back.

Turn this damn thing
around.

We could damage ourselves
if we travel in darkness.

The hollow part
of the hillside...

would be a good place
for shelter.

Question:

What are the probabilities
of encountering hostile life?

- I have insufficient data--
- [ Deep Animal Growl ]

Whoa.

Whoa.

[ Beeping ]

Oh, dear.

...for a proper computation.

Do you see
an alternative shelter?

Negative.

Logically, the wildlife
could coexist with our units
in the cave.

Perhaps there's a way
to make the animal
mentally aware...

that we are not a threat.

Val, wait! You could be
basing your decision to act
on invalid assumptions.

We need shelter for the night,

and I think
that I am best equipped
to attempt to provide it.

[ Animal Roars ]

[ Groans ]

[ Val ]
Hello?

Hello?

Hi.

[ Helicopter Approaching ]

I am taking a calculated risk,

so perhaps you can tell
by my lack of weapons
and my non-threatening tone...

that we mean you no harm.

[ Soft Growling ]

[ Animal Snarls ]

- [ Yelling ]
- [ Gasps ]

[ Phil Beeping ]

What an exit.

[ Groaning ]

Damage report.

Physical structure
still intact.

Mental facilities largely sound.

[ Electrical Crackling ]

Look. A fire.

[ Growling ]

Wow! We better get outta here.

What is the designation
of that hostile vertebrate?

- That is--
- [ Roars ]

a camel.

A camel is a domesticated
cud-chewing mammal...

indigenous to arid climates.

[ Beeping ]

[ Aqua ]
Phil!

Phil!

[ Beeping ]

Phil!

Phil, stop!
You'll damage your unit.

Aqua.

[ Whimpering ]

Feet, don't fail me now.

Look over there to the right.

I thought I saw movement.

[ Whimpering ]

Aw, damn.

It's just a bear.

[ Max ]
See anything else?

No, I don't see anything.

It's getting dark.
Take us home.

Aqua, I think those humans
in the helicopter
are looking for us.

Yes. We should be more careful
if we want to stay together.

And for all of us
to stay together
has become very important.

Yes, for me too.

Attention, fugitives.

Reckless driving
and destruction of property
is a misdemeanor.

If you are
within the sound of my voice,

turn yourself in now,
and perhaps a deal
can be made...

with the district attorney's
office.

[ Croaking ]

[ Catskil ]
There was this little
green man from Mars, see,

and he landed
his flying saucer in front
of the Stage Delicatessen.

He spots a couple of bagels
in the window.

Goes inside and says,
"Gimme two wheels
for my spaceship."

The guy behind the counter says,
"These are not wheels.
These are bagels.

You eat them."

But the spaceman says,
"Gimme two wheels.

I need them for my ship."

The guy says,
"These are bagels.
You eat them.

They're delicious."

So the spaceman takes
a bite of the bagel,

thinks a minute and says,
"You know, this would
go good with lox."

[ Rimshot ]

[ Laughs ]
You get it, kid?

"This will go good with lox."

[ Rimshot ]

[ Beeping ]

Hey, this kid's all right.
His bulbs are flashing.

Now, when I was a kid,

I was so poor my mother
sewed rubber pockets
in my pants...

so I could steal soup.

- [ Beeping ]
- "Steal soup." You get it?

Our house was so tiny,

I tell you,
even the mice were hunchback.

[ Beeping ]

Yeah, you like that, huh?

I like it when
you like things like that.

Because when you're happy,
I'm happy.

I haven't been this happy since
the time I bought a pet skunk.

My wife said,
"Where do you expect
to keep it?"

I said, "Under our bed."

She said,
"What about the smell?"

And I said,
"He'll have to get used to it
just like I did."

[ Beeping ]

[ Rimshot ]

I got a knock-knock joke
for you, kid.

Okay. Knock, knock.

[ Beeps ]

Navajo.

[ Beeps ]

♪ You'll Navajo ♪

♪ Just how much I love you ♪♪

[ Beeps ]

[ Clicking ]

Val, I cannot fix
your mental circuits
that were damaged by the camel.

There are so many parts
that we need,
especially for Phil.

He does not possess
any ability
for self-protection.

I have been thinking
about that.

During the next light phase
I want you...

to transfer my
unit safety monitor to Phil.

I would object,

but I will be with you
to protect you.

I have already computed
that fact.

When you are finished
with my shoulder,

see if you can fix
my pleasure center.

It is again sending
unexplained random impulses.

Strong impulses.

Let me look at it now
while it is malfunctioning.

My pleasure center
still is broken too.

The activity factor
is very strong at the moment.

Move your unit closer...

to make it easier
for us to investigate
and repair...

our pleasure senders--

sensors--

centers.

Yes.

That's... more effective.

And the priest said,
"I don't know.
Is there one missing?"

[ Beeping ]

[ Together ] Oh, Phil!

You did not announce
your arrival.

We were just doing
some routine repair work,

adjusting some bolts--

No matter.
We were only--

adjusting
each other's gauges.

exchanging data.

- Yes.
- [ Phil Beeps ]

I gave them a chance
to turn themselves in,
but did they?

No, not them!

Did they cooperate?

No!

[ Aqua ]
Quiet, everyone.

[ Val ] You know,
we are fortunate to have
found this small town.

[ Aqua ]
Let's act natural,
everyone.

Come on, come on.
Keep up the pace.

Come on, you two.
Keep up the pace.

Boy, this town is so small,
they probably got
one yellow page.

I hear they closed the zoo.
The duck died.

[ Phil Beeping ]

Oh, Phil?

Could you please open
this gate for me?

[ Phil Beeping ]

♪♪ [ "Charge" ]

You know,

these are Douglas--

These are
Douglas firs.

That's very interesting.

Thank you.

[ Crimebuster ]
Aha!

My clue analyzer reveals
this to be material...

from a Val-Com model.

On the other hand,
it may be a Buick seat cover.

Here's an
induction grid...

and an input unit
safety monitor.

Now I can wire Phil up
for faster motor responses--

And bigger data
storage components.

There are no more
energy packs in stock.

Look, Val.
A new directional finder.

Thank you.

You like this over here?
Terrific.

No? How about this?
Look at that nice box.

Isn't that terrific?
No. Aw, to hell with it.

That? Why?
That's ridiculous.

[ Val ]
No, Phil, you don't need
a traffic control helmet.

[ Aqua ]
Stop requesting parts which
are not directly functional.

We don't have time for this.
Our energy packs are low.

[ Beeping ]

[ Val ]
Phil! Phil!

Use your
reasoning ability.

You cannot have
everything you want.

Ahem.
[ Sighing ]

By now they would need
to find new energy packs.

Let's see. They wouldn't get
energy packs at a flower shop.

Hmm. They wouldn't
get energy packs
at a pizza parlor...

and they wouldn't get energy
packs at a record store-- Hmm.

[ High-pitched Whirring ]

[ Aqua ] Phil.

[ Val ]
Phil.

Shh!

[ Groans ]

[ Val ]
We must be discreet.
We don't want to be caught.

Hey, kid,
behave yourself.

[ Phil ]
Oh, Mama.

[ Siren Wails ]

This is Crimebuster,
0-0-7-1-9.

My assignment: apprehend
three missing robots...

plus any criminal
element involved.

Warning:

My standard armament
includes 17 conventional
offensive weapons.

Your shapes and mobility
have triggered
my suspicious-persons program.

Please identify
yourselves.

Identify yourselves!

Come on.

Don't get excited.
Don't get excited.

[ Crimebuster ]
Movement during interrogation
is not advisable.

Allow me to repeat.

Identify yourselves
within five seconds...

or you will be detained
or destroyed.

Um, I am Bushbot,
6-0-0-3-4.

I am Bushbot,
6-0-0-3-5.

[ Val ]
Yeah, we're part of the
Mobile Decoration Corps...

assigned to "G" Sector.

Are you also a Bushbot
for "G" Sector?

Don't holler at me,
you overgrown garbage disposal.

Did your folks have
any kids that lived?

[ Catskil ]
I've heard of a robot.
You look like a "no-bot."

The small suspect does not
look like a Bushbot.

That's because
it is a shrub.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Now move aside
and let us pass.

[ Crimebuster ]
Remain stationary...

for photo I.D.'s
and computer check.

Smile.

Headquarters fails
to confirm check.

Highest probability is
that you are criminals.

I have signaled
the police.

They will retrieve you
on their 4:00 a.m. shift.

Do not move
until then.

While waiting,
you may enjoy
a brief musical interlude.

♪♪ [ Muzak ]

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Boy, what a time
for a concert.

We are not criminals.

That would be illogical.

Robots cannot be criminals
because we are bound
by a robot litany.

We exist to serve...

with logic and efficiency.

[ Crimebuster ]
I'm confused.

You cannot be robots
because you're criminals,

but you cannot be criminals
because you're robots.

Stop!
The robot litany is being
used for improper purposes.

You are confusing me.
Robots cannot be criminals.

- Criminals cannot be robots.
- [ Val, Aqua ]
We exist to serve with logic.

We exist to serve
with logic and efficiency.

[ Val, Aqua Chattering ]

Remain-- Remain stationary!

A robot cannot--

[ Crimebuster Muttering ]

[ Muttering ]

[ Chattering ]

Look.
There's a party going on.

I am programmed
for these parties.

[ Catskil ] Me too.

But it might not be a good place
to avoid the Crimebuster.

A party's perfect.
I'll show you.

Yes, sir.

♪♪ [ Speakers: Disco ]

Crudités, canapé.

Crudités, canapé.

Who, me?

Val.

But--

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping, Trills ]

I'll take a vodka.

This tastes like
a banana daiquiri.

[ Man's Recorded Voice ]
Yes, I know what you mean.

Mountains always make me feel
closer to God for some reason.

[ Sniffing ]

How long can a person
live without brains?

I-- I beg your pardon.

How long can a person
live without brains?

- How long?
- I don't know.

How old are you?
[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ]

That was a joke, folks.

Laugh it up.
I laughed when you came in.

You're a very unusual-looking
group of people.
I think you know that.

Where'd you get
that tie, buddy?

Somebody couldn't guess
your weight, huh?

Since this is
a high-speed pursuit,

a no-knock entry is legal.

Ah, ha, ha!
Bushbots!

Perpetrators, beware!

Here comes Crimebuster.

[ Crimebuster Yelling ]

Oh!

No!

Come back here, you!

Your police department
would like to thank you...

for cooperating
with this investigation.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Crudités?

I don't know
about some people,

but I thought
it was a stunning affair.

Val? We have
not communicated
for 3.479 miles.

I also have a grade seven
computing ability.

It is illogical to function
with another unit
on a regular basis...

and not use that unit's
full capacities.

Communication is necessary
for continued success.

Aqua, wait a minute.

Aqua, I have been
extremely inefficient in not
exchanging information with you.

It's just that I did not want
to complicate your computer--

I function better
with maximum input.

Agreed.

[ Grunts ]

How come I'm always the one
that has to do these things,
like change a tire?

I'm a college graduate.

You want a bag of beer?

Why not?

[ Sighing ]
I sure miss the cans.

What did Mr. Weston
mean last night...

when he said
that, uh, you two guys
go way back?

Well, when we were
about your age,

we used to be
in the same commune.

Commune?
Were you a hippie
with a-- Hippie?

[ Crimebuster ]
♪ O beautiful
for spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves
of grain ♪

- ♪ For purple mountain
majesties ♪
- [ Hoots ]

♪ Above the fruited plain ♪

♪ America, America ♪

♪ God shed his grace
on thee ♪

♪ And crown thy good ♪

♪ With brotherhood ♪

♪ From sea to shining sea ♪♪

I am not concerned
with Phil's desire...

for miscellaneous equipment
used by firefighter models.

I am equally
unconcerned.

Part of his insistence
is due to our decision...

not to program Phil
for subservience.

And I do not
regret it.

I do not either. But as we saw,
he still lacks some important
internal improvements.

Yes.

It's a junkyard.

That's exactly
what we need--

an unlimited supply
of replacement parts.

It's causing my pleasure
center to malfunction.

Mine too.

[ Aqua ]
Perhaps we will be lucky
and find new energy packs.

I hope so.

In fact, my own energy pack
is beginning to run low anyway.

By any chance, are you
feeling decreasing power
in your unit, Aqua?

Yes, but I didn't
want to bother you
with that particular variable.

[ Phil Whirs ]

I function better
with maximum input.

[ Both Laugh ]

[ Woman ]
Hey, Calvin, look.
Do you see what I see?

[ Calvin ]
Who are they?
Looks like a family.

[ Woman ]
They're robots.

There's two
Com-series.

One is the new model
with the neo-pulse
frequency modulation system.

Yeah.

There's a Catskil model
complete with cigar option.

[ Phil Squeaking ]

[ Calvin ]
But what in the world
is that small one?

Nah. It's not me.

And what in the world
are they doing?

[ Val ]
Nice conga.

They're customers.

They're here
to buy things.

I told you not to worry
about cash flow, Susan.

Yeah, but those models
don't come equipped
with the wallet option.

That's not funny.

I thought it was.

No. It's not funny.

A woman went to her
psychiatrist and said,
"Doctor, it's about my husband.

He thinks
he's a refrigerator."

"That's not so bad,"
the doctor says.

"It's a rather
harmless complex."

"Well, maybe,"
the woman said,

"but he sleeps
with his mouth open...

and the light
keeps me awake."

[ Chuckles, Rimshot ]

[ Gongs ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Susan ]
Whatever this model is,

it seems to combine
a highly sophisticated
differentiation system--

With amateurish
level-three mobility.

That's right.

Excuse me, but Phil
has a level-four mobility.

What an exciting
experiment.

Obviously
successful.

Boy, that's an ugly dog.

It's all right, Rover.

These friendly robots
are obviously not
mischievous trespassers.

Yes, come here.

[ Calvin ] Apparently
you've been sent by your owner
on an errand for spare parts.

- But why these?
- [ Susan ] Surely they are
not to improve your looks.

Logically,
they are extraneous.

They don't even fit.

Speaking of fit--

Did you hear about
the guy who crossed
a mink with a gorilla?

He got a beautiful coat,
but the sleeves are too long.

- [ Rimshot ]
- It's true.

What are you,
an audience or an oil painting?

[ Phil Buzzing ]

[ Shrieking ]

Phil, where are you?

Phil!

Respond, please!
Phil!

Phil?

Phil,
respond, please.

Use your
directional finder.

Phil!

Is your unit intact,
Phil?

I think he's trying
to tell us something.

What is it, Phil?

[ Val ]
What are you
trying to say?

[ Beeping ]

What?

Now, wait.
Speak more slowly.

And calmly.

I don't understand.
What's wrong?

What we have had here is
a failure to communicate.

Remain stationary or you
will be instantly incinerated.

Excuse me, sir,

but I think that maybe
an explanation of our
activities would be--

Incorrect!

My decision
is to destroy you now.

Hey, you metallic moron,
pick on somebody
your own size, huh?

- What the--
- You have the right
to remain silent.

[ Shrieks ]

[ Aqua ]
Phil, stop!

Phil!

[ Crimebuster ]
Stop or you will be incinerated!

Perpetrators
will surrender now...

or I'll be forced
to cope and overreact!

[ Gunfire ]

[ Calvin ]
Watch out
for the flamethrower!

[ Susan ]
I got it! I got it open!

- [ Calvin ] Cut it!
- [ Susan ]
Disconnect the main power!

[ Crimebuster ]
SWAT team! SWAT team!

[ Stammering ]
Destroy! Destroy!

Calvin, we did it!

[ Beeping ]

Phil?
Are you all right, honey?

Let me help you.

Thank you for stopping our units
from being destroyed.

The Crimebuster was
obviously malfunctioning.

But from a purely
technological point of view,

making it
inoperative was
a very simple procedure.

Aqua,
once again the Phil unit
was almost destroyed.

We need to plan
for his future
so he will be efficient...

and take better care
of himself.

I agree.
Otherwise eventually
he'll be deactivated...

or discarded
as worthless.

Wait, wait,
please.

If Phil is to
survive in this world,
he needs a function...

that can be valued
by society.

We can do repair work,

but for major modifications
and new equipment...

there's only one place
for you to go.

Where?

[ Val ]
The factory?

[ Aqua ]
I am very concerned
about our energy packs.

Can we make it
all the way back?

I have...

thirty-four percent
power remaining.

I have...

thirty-three power remaining.

At least one of us has
to have enough power to
make it back to the factory...

and explain about Phil.

Otherwise, he'll be
disassembled for parts.

There's no way they'll
have the energy left.

They won't make it
back in time.

I know,

but I hope they do.

[ Aqua ]
I just realized...

we haven't been monitoring
Phil's energy pack.

[ Val ]
I guess we assumed
that because he's so small,

he uses less energy
than we do.

Assumption incorrect.

Phil's energy pack
has less than
two percent power left.

Hmm.

There they are.
Now we got 'em.

Let's go.

Hold it. Hold it.
I think I see four robots
out there.

Forget it. We lost three.
We bring three back. That way
we don't confuse anybody.

Let's go.

But, Max,
I see a fourth.

Charlie, if it doesn't
have an invoice number,
it doesn't exist. Let's go.

Come on. We got to go
all the way around
the mountain to get there.

Phil,
it will be night soon.

[ Warbling ]

What's the matter?

[ Beeping ]

Absence of bright lights
is not necessarily a problem...

in accomplishing tasks.

For example, at night,

remember those tiny lights
in the sky?

Mm-hmm.

Those are stars.

One of them, the North Star,
will appear soon...

over there.

The wonderful place of junk
is in that direction.

North--
that's where our friends are.

Do you understand?

Mm-hmm.

Good.
I don't think you'll
be needing this anymore.

[ Beeping ]

There's so much information
I want you to have,

so many new parts
that I do not possess.

You know,

you're the first robot
I ever built and programmed.

And I want you to know
that in spite of problems,

you have been performing
very well.

You are extremely efficient.

You aren't concerned
about the coming absence
of light, now, are you?

[ Beeps ]

Good.

Okay.

Come on.

[ Charlie ]
It looks like
they're slowing down.

I still can't figure out
how they got
this far anyway.

Aqua, if I lack the energy
to tell you later,

I want you
to know something.

I hope the very
last thing about me
they circuit wash...

are my memory tapes
of you.

Val.

[ Powers Down ]

Catskil, what have you done?

[ Gasping ]
Oh, boy.

[ Whirring ]

[ Beeping ]

Catskil, it is illogical
for you to perform
this energy pack transplant.

Catskil's pack still
has 42% power left
which Phil can now use.

But how can Catskil
have so much power left?

Apparently he has been
selecting low-power jokes.

Catskil, why did you
give Phil your power?

What?

Why?

My mother-in-law needed
a heart transplant once.

But we had
to give it up.

We couldn't find
a gorilla.

[ Beeping ]

Come on, honey.

We're going to the factory.
There'll be more Catskils there.

Come on, Phil.
It's okay.

Hey!
[ Chuckling ]

Well, it's
the funny man.

Yeah, we finally
caught up with him.

One down,
two to go.

It figures,
doesn't it?

What?

[ Charlie ]
Well, we chase these things
all over hell and gone...

and we finally start to
pick up the pieces close
to the factory.

So, college boy,
what do you think now...

of free will and robots?

Pick him up.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Careful.

Don't worry.
Don't worry.

Very delicate
machinery here.

Don't worry.

[ Grunting ]

Easy.

Okay, let's get
the rest of 'em.

Look. The factory.

Now Phil will be safe.

You did it, Aqua.
You made it.

You did it.

I knew you could, Val.

Val--

Aqua, there's one
last subject area...

I would like
to discuss with you.

But I'm running
out of-- Aqua!

Wait. Wait.

Please don't go.

I want to discuss...

one last human
emotional phenomenon...

with you.

I want to ask...

what you know about...

l-- l--

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy.

Mommy! Mommy!

Ooooo!

[ Phil ]
Ooooo!

Ooooo!

[ Babe ]
Hi, Max. What are you
doin' in the motor pool?

Whistlin'.

[ Laughing ]

Hiya, Charlie.

Hiya, Babe.

You know, I--

I've been talking
to some people...

about, uh, those robots
that wandered off...

and we had to search
for them all that day
in the forest, remember?

Yeah,
I think I remember.

Why? What about 'em?

Oh, nothin'.

I, uh-- I mean, I heard
that you found them.

I just wondered
what happened to 'em.

[ Charlie ]
Well, it was a funny thing.

We never could figure out
what went wrong.

They put new energy packs in.
Circuit-washed 'em three times.

They just kept
malfunctioning.

We kept sendin' 'em out,
but the owners kept
sendin' 'em back.

Sad.

Yeah.

The hotshots
in the front office never
could figure out what was wrong.

They just finally
closed the book on 'em
and took the loss.

Well, what finally
happened to them?

We junked 'em.

You were right about
the number 14 flexicable...

when you were
reassembling us.

Look. I no longer have
a walking impediment.

You've seen it all, folks.
Well, almost all.

[ Aqua ]
Isn't she cute?

Isn't she cute,
Phil?

Tickle, tickle,
Sophia O.

[ Beeping ]

Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.

They think they
washed my circuits.

[ Laughs ]

They tried
to take me off the job,
but I played dumb.

What is that?

It's not in
the robot catalog.

They must have built
a new member for their gang.

Eat lead, punk!

This reminds me
of another case--

the time I cornered
the Microchip Gang.

A clever bunch
they were.

But they, too, found out
the hard way...

that a Crimebuster
always gets his man!