Head of the Family (1996) - full transcript

Now you got to understand

Billy boy better play
nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh
it on my own fucking scale.

You short me again,
I'm going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howard,
yeah, I'll tell him.

And you fuck up Weasel,
I'm going to break your arm, too.

Howie, I know.

All right.

Now go on and get out of here.

Get.

Oh, Susie sometimes I feel like
a big old turd in a small toilet.



Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on
that ice cream, huh.

You're starting to get all
poochy around the middle.

Geez Louise Howard,
it's fucking ass milk.

Yeah, well it come out of
a cow and it make you fat.

Give a shit what you call it.

Hey, here comes the Stackpools.

Groceries.

Hello Rey?

Rey!

Fill that out for the
Stackpools, will you.

How are you doing, Ernestina?

You all go with Rey,
he'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.



That is without question the
most fuckable young lady I ever

seen outside a magazine.

Hell, don't bother
me, she's a retard.

Well, the way I hear
it, the only way

to get Ernestina is go
to her brother Otis.

You don't think I'd
take on the big dummy?

Oh, hell no.

I just want to be
around when you do it.

Yeah, I will.

Already got me a sweet
little chicken

and you know
how I feel about

What's that word?
- Fucking?

No, watch your mouth,

the other one where you
don't be sleeping around?

Fidelity?

Yeah, that's it.

Like on the high fi's...

high fidelity, yeah,
that's what I go for.

What a man with a brain,
pardon moi Howard but I'm going

to go to the ladies room.

And why don't you just talk up,
let everybody know about it.

You see what I got
to put up with.

Susie, watch the register.

I got to get some fries
from the basement.

But we got plenty

Susie, don't mind the inventory,
just watch the register.

Dammit, we ain't got
no time for foreplay.

Smart woman.

See you soon, Ernestina,

one day, cupcake.

Say it, baby, say it.

Call me Scarlet.

Say it Scarlet.

You're 10 times
the man Howard is.

And?

Howard's got a little
dick, you're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.

And?

Oh, Howard's a pussy.

Yeah. Then why the hell did
you married him, Lorretta?

Scarlet.

Scarlet, why did you do it, huh?

He's a wasn't he?

All right, well, now I'm baby.

Ride your little baby lance.

Whoa!

I've never known
a woman who takes

so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear that woman's got a
bladder the size of acorn.

Oh, Lorretta, come on.

Hey, Lorretta, you down there?

Shit, Howard's coming.
- Oh, so am I.

Lorretta, you in there?

Lorretta, you down here or what?

Hey, Lorretta you down here?

Yeah, Howard

she's in the employee
bathroom right in there.

Lorretta, are you in there?

What do you want?

What do you doing in there?

Toilet in the ladies room is
busted, what do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever you're doing,
hurry it up, we got to go.

Okay, I'm out, you're happy now?

Yeah, just fucking overjoyed. Come on.

Lance, Lance,

Howard has to see you.

Howard

has to see you.

Well, what exactly did he say?

He said, "Go get Lance,
bring him over here

and move your poochy buns."

Did he seem upset?

I can't say that he did
but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that part at
the back of the restaurant,

not much of a headstart
if you get my drift.

Okay, Lorretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, right, cucumber.

Compress the bolt string while
holding the front and flush.

Fuck off, friggin' bolt strings.

Well, Lance in the
pants, Lance,

and look at this thing.

Try to save some money,
it's a fucking waste

of man's time buying
the thing in pieces.

You have to assemble it
yourself, save a couple of seats.

Shit

Well, sit your ass down.

Right, sure, Howard.

Lance, you know what
I've been thinking.

Well, I know Howard. I

Lorretta,
what you doing standing there?

You serving tables around here?
- No, I just wanted to

Wanted to do the park your
mushy old butt down there next

to Laney so you got no
cookies, have you Lance'?

No, not that I think.

Lance, I'm going to make
this short and sweet.

Kind of like Lorretta here
except she ain't so sure, really.

Okay, now Howard,
I don't know what you've been hearing.

Hearing?

About what?

Nothing.

You don't know what I've
been hearing about nothing?

What the hell are
you talking about?

Not I mean, shit, Howard.

You know, I don't have a clue on
what the hell I'm talking about.

And you know what I think,
you need to take it easy.

You're looking poorly,
ain't that right, Lorretta?

Yeah,
looks like he's got the flu.

Flu?

What the fucking flu
got to do with it, huh?

You need to get
yourself out of here.

Go get yourself laid
once in a blue moon.

Hell, you got no
natural charm but

shit, even a little
shrimp with that ratty,

old beard like yours can at
least pay for it once in awhile.

And that's where I come in.

I'm sorry, what?

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

And how much you
make in this place?

Say in a week or something?

Well, I don't know,
it kind of depends.

I figure about

A grand a week?

Huh, no, I don't have that much.

I bet you want to know why.

Why?

Because you spread
yourself too thin.

That's why you're all pale and
kind of sickly-ugly-looking.

But here I am,
I'm going to save your skinny ass.

Oh, gee, Howard, actually

Oh Laney pantsy,
what you need is partner, you know.

Someone to kind of
ease a strain

and I look into diversify,
you know what I mean?

It means

It means that I share the burden,

I'll be your partner,
shared share alike.

You know, I guess you
still have to be doing most

of the day to day stuff.

Partners.

Well sure,
I mean I've been partner

up with businesses all over town.

I did jewelry down
to hardware store,

Ben Buffle's Wash-O-Rama.

I'm becoming a regular

what's that word?

Shake-down artist?

Oh, Lorretta,
if I didn't love that big old behind

of yours so much, I'd pack you
on your worst fucking nightmare.

Entrepreneur is the fucking word,

entrepreneur.

So now I'm going to come
here and bring my talents

to bear right here
chopping stuff

and how is that for good news?

Actually, Howard

No, no, no need to thank
me, it's my pleasure,

and don't worry about
no paper work either.

Whenever you get it done,
we just back date it to right now.

Hallelujah.

I see, just little
what that word?

Brains?

No, persistence

I tell you something Lorretta,

you going to need serious
attitude adjustment.

Sometime I envy the
single white boy.

On the house, partner.

What you waiting on?

Fucking invitation from
the Queen of England?

More like the Duke of the Dumb.

Come on chubby cheeks.

What are you looking at?

A grave waiting to be filled.

No, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm talking about somebody
plowing some Oates,

Lorretta Oates to be precise.

Susie, I'm a big boy.

Oh, you're a big boy, Lance.

Only Howard Oates is
even a bigger boy.

He finds out about
you and Lorretta,

he is going to put a loop up
around your neck and drag you up

and down Main Street
on his Harley.

Now if you want to keep
your head on your shoulders,

you had better start using it.

I can't do that,

I can't let her go.

It's a grand passion,
that's what it is.

Being with her, shoot,
is like fucking a firecracker.

Hey, how late can he stay?

Awhile

Howard's beating up
some guys in Rawley.

He should be gone
till around midnight.

Keep dancing
Scarlet, keep dancing.

Oh, it's a problem all
right, it's a problem.

See what the problem is,
just hang around up back

to trailer park,
wait 'till he walks by',

pop a cap in the
back of his head.

Well, it ain't the
doing it that's hard,

it's getting away with it.

Now, no matter how you cut it or slice
it, Howard turns up with a bullet,

somebody's going to be
looking in our direction.

Lance, you're too smart as all.

God make things complicated,
everybody hates him

and everybody give a charity if
he turned up dead, so just do it.

You know, if you don't, one day he's
going to do it to the both of us

and that's a
God fearing fact.

Yeah, I know,
I know its holy shit.

What the hell?

You must took a wrong turn.

Honey, there ain't no
turns off this highway.

Would you look at this?

Some sort of fence or something.

Somebody dragged this across the
road, that's what it is.

It's goddamn stupid of them.

Oh, this is some kind
of weird bullshit.

That's the road to
Stackpool place,

I'm going to go check it out.

You wait in the car?

Lance, you be careful now.

Careful is my credo,
wait in the car.

Loretta, we got to go.

Go and leave that there like
that, honey?

Somebody making an accident.

I think somebody
already has candy lips.

What was it, Lance?

What did you see back there?

I saw the light,

honey, I saw the light.

What the heck?

Don't worry, young man.

What?
- I've done this before.

What?
- Many times

Otis!

Wait!

Wait, wait

Wait, wait, no

Snow, snow, snow

Snow, snow, snow

Snow, snow, snow

Snow

Where in the same
hill have you been?

I ain't seen you since
the day before yesterday.

Not to worry, Susie, my dear.

Oh, we're in my back side me

and Rey had been running
this place alone.

Shoot Lance,
I thought somebody was sprinkling lime

on what was left of you.

Well, I just had a little business
to attend to out of town,

a very important business.

It's going to make
all the difference.

Every thing is going to be peaches
and cream from here on out.

Perfect timing, see,
that's exactly what I was looking for.

Lance, don't you mess
with them Stackpools.

Mess with them?

I ain't go mess with
them, honey.

It's business.

Well, hey there Wheeler,
Otis, and Ernestina.

Look,
I was wondering if I could

I was wondering if I could
talk to you for just a second,

so hold on right there.

All right, that's fine,
you want to act like a bunch of retards,

go ahead but I know what you're up
to, did you hear me?

I know about that you guys set
up across the road and, oh,

Otis, man, I know what you did
to that truck hunk of love.

Unless you want me to go to the
law, well, I suggest you talk to me

'cause, well,
you go and talk to me sooner or later.

All right, you want to play rough
the way you do with hunk of love.

Well, I wouldn't do that if I
were you unless you want to go to jail,

you move it, get up.

All right now,
what are you going to have

to talk to me sooner or
later, book on that, freaks.

Oh, shit, watch the
PJs, big gorilla.

You come now.

All right, that's what I had in
mind, just let me get some shoes.

All right, all right.

If you fight, Otis hits you,
you yell, Otis hits you.

I think I got the game plan
here, Otis.

All right, all right.

Well, we're all
here, nice and cozy.

Holy shit,
them some big eyes, brother.

You've met my brothers
and my sister, Mr. Bogen.

I don't believe we've ever met.

Well, I kind of figured it
out and remembered if we had.

No doubt.

My name is Myron Stackpool.

I'm the part of the expression,
the head of the family.

As you have perhaps noted,

we Stackpools all have
our peculiarities.

We're quadruplets, you know,
all born from the same egg.

Theoretically,
we should be identical but well,

strange things do happen.

No, shit.

Do you know what you're
looking at Mr. Bogen?

Escapees from a freak show?

You're looking at a unique
biological phenomenon,

forged and medically linked
beings each endowed with a share

of normal abilities and, hence,

to almost supernatural
proportions.

Otis, many times stronger
than any normal man,

Wheeler with eye sharper than an
eagle's, ears like a fox,

nose like a hound dog.

Ernestina, well,
I hardly need tell you

about her special powers,
as for me, well

Yes, so you're the smart one.

Yes, I should say so.

I'm the brains of the family,

we're linked,
you know, telepathically.

I can't leave this chair but I
could see through Wheeler's eyes

and force my will with
Otis's hands and well,

I need not tell you
about my uses for Ernestina.

One brain controlling
four bodies.

Well, then Myron, I guess you are
the one I need to be talking to.

By all means, talk.

Now, let's just say
for conversation

that somebody happened to see a
strange old road block a couple

of nights ago and this
fellow here happened

to see Otis here
dragging some poor fellow

out of his pick-up
truck bringing him

into this house while
Ernestina there she drove

that truck around back.

You still got some pretty deep
swamp land back there, don't you?

Indeed we do.

Nice place to hide a
vehicle, or vehicles.

Now, for conversation,
let's just say

that this fellow happened to see
the license plate of that truck,

a license plate that
read, hunk of love?

Such a fellow might be
inclined to go to the police.

He might, he may and then
again, he may not.

You see this fellow, he's got
himself a whole world of problems.

One major problem,

one big dumb biker of a problem
named Howard Oates, you know him?

He's the boy that
drives the Harley.

Yeah, that's the one.

Man, far as I'm concerned, he can
drive that Harley right off the edge

of the earth wouldn't
trouble me none.

Well, why should we help this fellow

when after all we have him?

No, Myron, its awful silly
for a big old brain like you

to play stupid,
it's not too convincing.

Now, suppose this fellow, now
well, he ain't as smart as some

but he is smart enough to say,
write down everything he saw

that night and
put it in a letter

and then he drive somewhere and
he finds himself a phonebook

and he gets himself a
lawyer, random like.

And he gives that letter to
the lawyer and he says, "Now,

I'm going to call you ever
so often on a schedule act

and I'm going to stop
by all by myself

and if and I don't call or
if I don't stop by or well,

if I turn up dead or missing,

well, you just shoot
that letter on over

to the state's
attorney's office,

let him get to work on it.

Would you like to know what
happened to that gentleman

with the amusing license plate?

No.

There's an intercom over there.

Go on over and press
the third button,

it will connect you
to our surgical annex.

Over here?

Who is down there?

Don't tell me,
I've picked your curiosity?

Not surprisingly, Mr. Bogen.

I have an abiding interest
in the human brain

and the relationship of
the brain to the body.

Do you know that
some people are born,

live their whole normal lives
and die with only half a brain?

Hell, I met more in my.

I want a human body,
a normal human body but one

that can encompass my
superior intelligence.

I detest having to live
a life through proxy,

through the limbs and
senses of these creatures.

And so I experiment.

If half a brain can do
the work of a whole one,

perhaps a whole human brain can hold
an intellect equivalent to my own.

So more power to you.

And you weren't at all concerned

about my subjects
down in the basement?

Is there anything
I can do for them?

Nothing comes to mind.

I keep them alive for
future experiments

and for their occasional
entertainment value.

Yeah, well, they got their
problems and I got mine

and you got yours and
right now, Myron,

I'm the problem you
got to worry about.

Like you say you're
a very clever fellow.

You want me to stay quiet,
I can see, 'cause I got a feeling,

you got a whole fleet of cars
in that swamp back there.

You don't want
guys who have guns

and badges snooping
around this house.

Now, you want to keep doing
whatever it is you're doing.

And Myron,
you made them folks downstairs,

go away.

I want you to do the same thing

for Howard Oates,
you make him go away.

Otherwise,
you go and find yourself

in a whole world of hurt.

Now, do we have a deal?

Talk dirty to me,
honey, talk dirty.

Ain't no time to talk dirty.

Now listen up, tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night.

Howard's going to
be out of town.

Out of town.

You get yourself an alibi.

A what?

An alibi, you know, will see a
friend, go to a beauty parlor,

whatever you got to do
to have people see you.

Now, you got that?

Oh, an alibi?

You do as I say now.

Oh, you going to do
it, you going to do it.

I'm going to do
it now and ain't

nobody going to
point finger at us.

He's going to be dead?

He is going to be
dead, deader than dead,

deader than a dog
in a garbage dump.

Oh, you're my knight
in shining armor.

Well, well,

fancy meeting you
here, cupcake.

Oh no, don't be shy.

Come on,
give old Howard a little kiss now.

Shop and Stop, Lance Bogen here.

Done, Mr. Bogen.

Been a pleasure doing
business with you.

Oh, Lance it's me.

Holy shit, Lorretta,
what are you doing here?

Did you do it, is he gone?

Oh, Lorretta you got
to stick with the plan.

Howard turns up missing,
you don't want people hooking us up.

Then you did it,
you really did it?

It's done, baby.

You won't be seeing
Howard no more.

Tell me, tell me,
how'd you do it?

Had it done, angel cake,
man has got his act together,

he don't do it, he has it done.

You hired a hit man?

No. Had some a whole lot better.

Well, I'd say for two.
-Who?

Honey, I got the
Stackpools working for me.

Go on.

Yeah, I got me a little
look at some real sweet.

You know that night we
saw that road block?

Well, that little luck
and some sharp thinking

by yours truly is all it took.

So you got something
on the Stackpools?

Oh yeah, I got 'em by the short.

I got 'em by the short
whatever the hell they got.

And they took care of Howard?
- Yeah, just like that.

I said, "You take care of
Howard Oates," and they did it

and that ain't all,
that's just the first installment.

What do you mean?
- Well, honey,

them Stackpools is loaded
with the green stuff.

I checked it out.

They got all them real goods,
they got like oil and gas, coal,

you know, all that flammable
shit, real money.

And you go and get it?

Ah-huh honey, that's we're going

to get it if you play it smart.

That means you can't be
hanging around here, see?

You can't be acting like
Howard's dead before

somebody even tells
you that he's missing.

Now you got to play cool, baby.

Oh, it sound too hot to play it
cool, you got to do me, baby,

fuck your little Scarlet.

All right,
take your panties off.

And Howard's gone for good,
what'd they do to him?

Will they make him suffer?

Oh, I'm sure they will,
I'm sure they will.

One.

Two, two, two

Sure, I didn't think I'd hand that
letter over to you, did you, Myron?

Hardly.

Hardly is right, why I do

that to kill me deader
than stale cheese.

We both know that.

Now I know what's floating around
that big old head of yours,

whatever I do or don't do,

I'm a permanent
burr up your butt.

I see I can't keep any secrets from
you, Mr. Bogen.

Well, it ain't no secret,
man, it's just common sense.

So, let you do what you do,
just letting you stay around

and keeping my mouth shut,
that's a prize to me, a risk.

I figure, man takes a risk but
he ought to get paid for it,

seems reasonable to me.

But I'm sure you also realize
that it's a calculated risk.

You press too hard and you
make it worth it for me

to employ desperate measures.

What? You mean like drag me
down in that basement playroom

of yours and snipping off pieces

of me till I tell
you who my lawyer is?

Maybe, make me call up my lawyer,
have him deliver that letter in person.

Now well,

I wouldn't do that
if I was you, Myron.

I see,
you've thought it all out.

Uh-hmm, see if old Wheeler
here, his nose is as good

as you say it is why he
probably sniff these on me

when I first came in.

So that matched this against
Otis's muscle any day

of the week or against your
big old brain for that matter.

Now, ain't going to be no
torturing tonight, Myron.

Pity and what exactly is

that you would expect from
me, Mr. Bogen?

Call me Lance, Myron,
not to worry now.

I thought this whole thing out.

Now, I'm not going
to bleed you dry.

Now Mom always said only a
dumb slaughters the milking cow

and I'm not going to slaughter
you, no, I'm just going

to scoop off a little cream.

Say about 2,000 a week.

Oh, now, don't got acting like
that some hardship, Myron.

I know you got cabbage to spare.

Go on over to the
right dresser drawer.

Myron, Otis, Wheeler, Ernestina,

it's been a pleasure doing
business with you all.

See you next week
for another payment

and don't get up Myron,
I'll show myself out.

Wheeler,

you follow that greasy,
white trash hookster.

We'll watch, listen to him,
smell him and when he sleeps,

we'll catch him all right,
we'll catch the little fox

and I'll cut that grin
right off his face.

Go.

So Loretta,
any word from Howard.

No, and it's been almost a week.

A week, oh, that's terrible.

Feels almost like forever.

Did you call the police?

Of course, I did, just like

I mean, of course, I did

but it's like he just fell
off the face of the earth.

Fancy that, so big and all.

Well, he did have a way of
creating bad feelings in people.

What'd the police say?

What did they say?

Well, I didn't get the impression
that locating Howard was likely

to be a high priority
for the boys in blue.

Let me see if I can recall
sergeant's exact words.

It was like,
“if you all want to find that no-good,

trouble-making,
red-neck husband of yours,

you best buy yourself a shovel."

Well, that was damn
insensitive of him.

I should say so.

I imagine you've well,
you've about giving up hope

of ever seeing
your husband again.

Well, foul play the permanent
bride, he does seem

to be the generally
held opinion.

Of course our
marriage was troubled.

I hadn't realize that.

Yes, of course.

Well, we didn't talk about
it much but with what

with him being a gangster
and drug seller and murderer

and all, well, it didn't make
normal life a bit difficult.

I expect it would.

Still, I suppose it does get
a bit lonely without him.

Lonely, yes,
more than you could ever imagine.

Well, Lorretta, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way but,

well, if you're still
lonely, I'd be happy to

I don't know,
how about dinner and a movie.

How about dinner and
let's skip the movie.

How about we skip dinner, too.

You know you fill me up better

than any old stake and potatoes.

Yeah, sweet cake,
you're the only hot fudge sundae I want

to dip my spoon into.

That damn thing is still
fucking down in there.

I'm trying.

Here we go right there,
hold on moi,

sing.

Oh, honey bunny, I like that.

Oh, you better get used to it
sweetie because there's going

to be a lot more of that
where that come from courtesy

of Mr. Big Brains Stackpool.

Esquire.

What's an esquire honey?

An esquire is somebody gives
you a shit car full of money.

Oh, really sorry about that.

Keep on talking,
you little con man.

Every stupid words are
deposited in the pain bank.

You just wait, pretty soon
you'll be making a withdrawal.

You and that powder
puff whore of yours.

Susie, how would you
like to run this place?

Oh, you mean more than I do now?

I know, I know,
I ain't exactly been

around to much lately but I
got bigger things into works.

Now, why you always got
to be such a sour puss.

I'm trying to make you an offer.

You take over the Shop and Stop,
you can hire whoever you want

and I'll give you 50 percent
share because I'm a nice guy.

I'll be like one of them
whatchamacall as a silent partners.

Silent.

Oh, now that'll be the day.

Susie, scales have been
lifted from my eyes.

I've seen a bigger better world,
a world beyond deep fryers

and canned goods and I can
reach out there and grab it.

That is if I play
my cards right.

Lance, you try walking
around on a Big Ben shoes,

you are just going to
fall flat on your face.

I am fitting no shoes,
and as a matter of fact,

they're getting too tight.

Yeah, well, everything that's
been going on around here,

I feel I get a bit tight myself.

You hush now.

You think about 'em off.

Clean this stuff up,
I got to make an important phone call.

Hello,

Arthur Roscow, please.

This is client, Lance Bogen.

One moment, Mr. Bogen.

Arthur Raskow here.

Mr. Raskow this is Lance
Bogen calling in on schedule.

Yes, Mr. Bogen,
can you please tell me the name

of your mama's dog when
you were a young man.

My mama's dog is Elvis P. Resley.

Elvis P. Resley, that's correct.

Thank you very much, Mr. Bogen.

And thank you, Mr. Raskow.

Elvis P. Resley.

Two tickets to
Raleigh, round trip.

That will be 88.60.

Pretty girl.

Well, I'm sorry but Mr. Raskow
doesn't see anybody

without an appointment and
he doesn't see just anybody.

Just what the hell
are you doing,

breaking into my
office like this.

Angelique.

Arthur Raskow?

Yeah, that's correct.

Mr. Bogen's letter, get it.

I don't know
what you're talking... Hey!

Last one, Mr. Bogen's
letter, get it.

Okay, the safe.

It's in the safe, I'll get
it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Okay, all right.

There, you have it,
you have that.

I don't even know what's in it.

Holy shit, what are you?

Copies.

That's it, there ain't none.

Oh, God, oh,
please, please, God.

I swear, please, please,
there ain't no copies.

I ain't got no
oh, please, please.

That's three, copies.

How can I make you believe me?

Lance baby?

Yeah, honey.

I got to be
I got to be honest.

Sure, honey.

I'm getting
I'm getting a bit frustrated.

Well, Scarlet,
I'm doing the best that I can.

Not about that,
I mean about doing it

down here at the cream corn.

I mean what's the what's the
point of murdering your husband

if you can't fuck in a bit.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

Oh yeah I hear you and I've
been thinking about us.

Thinking?

Yeah, honey, about us.

What's that mean?

What's that mean?
You've been thinking about us?

What's there to think about?

Scarlet,
you do have a suspicious mind.

Come on, come on,
we're losing our rhythm here.

Fine, fine.

Like I said, I've been thinking.

Yeah, you go ahead and tell me.

About you and me and

and we'll,
where we're going from here.

And where do you figure
this going to be.

Again, I got to tell you true.

God knows one wouldn't
know dishonesty.

Hold, now cut that out now.
Cut that out.

And just what is it
that I'm cutting?

I'm trying to tell you true.

You are the only
honey bear for me.

That's right and make all them
other girls like on TV and stuff

that like bunch of
ugly, old sound.

Oh Lance, you mean it.

Sure as shit baby.

From now on, it's Lance and
Loretta till death do us part.

Oh, Lance.

Yeah baby.

I want to you to be Mrs.
Lance Bogen.

That is if you have me.

Oh, Lance, I'll have you.

I'll hold you up, do you?

Oh, yes, yes, Yes-.

Let me see it,
let me see it honey.

The ring, the ring, the
ring, show me the ring.

Oh, yeah, I don't actually have.

You didn't get a ring?

Yeah, huh.

Oh, shit Lance,
you surely don't know how

to do romanticize a thing.

Oh, now Scarlet.

Don't be like that now.

I thought about it, you
know, and well, I didn't want

to buy you some ring,
you know, that you wouldn't

like then you'll be stuck
with it the rest of your life.

Now, see this way I thought
that we go together, you know,

to get something you like.

Well, geez Louise Lance that
sure was practical of you.

Oh no, come on honey,
don't be like this.

You see that right there, huh?

You see that?

Go ahead, you hit me right
there, just go ahead, come on.

Hit me right there.

Oh, God, all right,
you feel better?

Yeah.

I'm forgiven?

Oh honey, you could tell who.

Lance,Lance.

Yes, Suz?

You're wanted on the phone.

And I'll be there in a sec.

All play and no work makes
Lance Bogen a poor boy,

and I got a deal to support my
Scarlet in a way that she is

yet to become accustomed to.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Lance Bogen.

You'll be receiving a delivery
tonight, be alone.

Wait, hold on.

What now, listen sweet puss,

we got to have a little trust
now, don't we?

Yeah. I just want to keep you
safe, that's all.

All right, will you just hunker
down in that bed of yours

and think about old Lance.

Tomorrow is fine honey,
juts keep yourself warm.

| got to go-

Oh, business calls.

Well, Ernestina,
fancy seeing you here

or should I call you Myron.

Special delivery,
how decent of you.

You dropped your purse.

Oh, well

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh baby, whatever you got
there, I want a lot of this.

Oh, yeah, oh.

Pretty girl.

Pretty girl.

What you want here?

Otis want

Please, please don't hurt me.

Otis Otis not
hurt pretty girl.

Otis won't hurt.

Otis will do what he's sent to
do or I'll cut that pee brain

of yours right
out of your skull.

Elvis P. Resley.

You found Raskow.

Wheeler overhear
the phone call?

Uh-hmm, from the area outside.

Oh, he does have good ears.

So now you got the letter.

The letter is gone,
Mr. Raskow is gone.

You on the other hand,
Mr. Bogen are going to be

around for quite sometime.

I'm not normally a
vindictive person

but in your case I'm going
to make an exception,

but don't you worry,
you won't have to go through it alone.

Lance, what Oh, God.

Oh my God.

Don't you worry sugar bear,

every thing's going
to be just fine.

Your bogus optimism not
withstanding Mrs. Oates a little

worry wouldn't be
totally out of keeping

with your current situation.

Oh my God, it talks.

Oh yes, it talks and pretty
soon you're both going to find

out what else it does.

I think it would be
appropriate to start

with your little honey
cake, Lance, sweetie,

whatever else you call her.

I don't think so.
- You don't.

Uh-uh Myron,
you see you made one mistake.

And what's that
Mr. Upside-down Bogen?

The problem is you
so smart and all,

you automatically think
everybody else is a dope.

If I believe it, it's because
experience has shown it to be true.

You underestimate
people like me.

Mr. Bogen,
it is impossible to imagine

that I could underestimate you.

See there now,
you're doing it again.

So, you got Raskow,
what do you think?

I just lay everything out
for him and not figure

that you'd find him eventually?

I have to admit it.

You're fast on your on your feet

but whatever little story you're
going to spin, it isn't going

to get you or
the pneumatic Mrs. Oates

out of this particular kegel.

Pretty girl.

Quiet!

Go on, Mr. Bogen.

Well, suppose there
was another lawyer

and he got another letter
and he was giving a couple

of telephone numbers and
he was told that well,

if Arthur Raskow turns
up dead or missing, well,

you give those numbers a call.

You don't hear anything in a
couple a days then you take

that letter on over
to the state attorney.

No Myron, you and me,
we're on the dance floor for life.

Oh, come on, Myron,
don't be like that just turn me loose.

I'll forget this all happened.

Call that a love spat.

I'm afraid I can't
do that Mr. Bogen.

This is a matter
of personal pride.

High pride carries a high
price, Myron.

You don't want to cut off
your nose despite your face

especially with a big
old face like yours.

Nevertheless,
there is an alternative, Mr. Bogen,

not to less painful
but in fact more so.

Cast your mind back over
your amusing little monolog.

There is, I fear,
a slight problem in your full-proof plan.

I'm listening.

Oh good, for a minute there
I thought I was boring you.

And you my dear,
are you following all this?

I want to go home.

Well, we all want many things.

We're going to
see if we can find

out exactly what the
second lawyer's name is,

a sort of like a guessing
game only with torture.

Well, you got to do
what you got to do.

No, I'm going to do
what I wish to do.

You could avoid the painful
inconvenience for you

and you're little tot.

And as I said before,
I think it's only appropriate

that she go first.

What is the name of
the second lawyer?

Well, now, look who's
calling, who's stupid.

No matter what I say and don't
say, the way I figure it,

things going to turn out
pretty much the same way.

So, I say to you,
go fuck yourself, big brain.

Lance, please.

Sweetheart,
you know how I feel about you

but telling him may
not get out of this.

Our only chance is if
I keep my lip buttoned.

But what about me?

I'm working on that honey.

I love you, honey.

I love you too, angel lips.

Oh, this is truly touching.

I can see Mr. Bogen that you
clearly care about this woman.

I mean may be not as
much as Ernestina.

Oh, Mrs.
Oates, I'm sorry, you don't know

about your Bogen and Ernestina.

They were in a
how shall I put it,

intimate proximity
earlier this evening.

Lance.

That was not my fault
angel, that female.

She's got some sort of
uncontrollable sexual power.

I couldn't resist myself.

Oh, tell me another.

I think we've had
enough chitchat.

Get her ready for
the performance.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

I have something to say.

I'm all ears.

I have a confession to make.

Please do so.

I've always been attracted
to really intelligent men.

Do tell.
- It's true.

Lorretta.
- Oh, shut up.

Given your attraction
to Mr. Bogen,

I frankly find it a bit
difficult believing you.

Well, let's face it.

He may not be much but he is
about the best of the crop in,

that is, except for you.

I'm flattered.

Now, don't be like
that, I'm serious.

I'm not just looking
for a physical thing,

not that I mind it but
it is the intellectual

and the spiritual
that attracts me.

I nun

I see and I excite
your spiritual desires?

Oh, you give me
all sorts of ideas.

Well, I can tell just
by looking at you

that you're a take-charge kind of
guy, that you're a man

that can get things done.

Lorretta, you're making
a fool out of yourself.

Just shut up.

I know it must be real lonely
being so smart and all.

I know what it's like to be
lonely, not to fit in, honest.

And do you think you can
fill my lonely house?

Oh, I know I can,
I can make you happy.

You can?
- Oh, just me a chance.

What about Mr. Bogen?

He betrayed me.
- That was physical.

Well, Myron.

I can call Myron, can't I?

Oh, ever since the first
time I ever laid eyes on you,

I said to myself,
there's somebody's special.

You ain't a member of the herd,

he is a man that
goes his own way.

You scared me but a real man is
always scary to a woman, it's true.

Really, well, Mrs. Oates

Call me Lorretta.

Very well, Lorretta.

I have to confess it
has been a lonely road.

I mean, I am mostly intellect

but you see I am
a man whose will

I just want to be close to
you, honey.

No one has ever said
that to me before, oh.

Your not your not talking
advantage of me, are you?

Oh, Lorretta this is revolting.

Shut up.

Well, Myron honey,
I never take advantage.

I'm just just ...just
expressing my true feelings.

Enough,

and you have no ulterior motive?

Motive?

Oh no, no, not at all.

I just want to be yours forever.

Well, Lorretta.

You are without a doubt
extremely entertaining.

I can't exactly say what it
is that you do but I can see

that you do it very well.

Unfortunately,

I'm just too busy with my ongoing plans

for world domination
and all to

to take time out for romance.

No darling,

I'm afraid it'll just have
to be

death by torturous plan

Now, hold on, please,
just give me chance.

I can make you happy.

You're my dream boat,
just let me give you a little hug.

You'll have to excuse
me, Mr. Bogen.

I have preparations to
make for the performance.

Up to a little cultural
activity, Mr. Bogen?

At least I'm right side up.

All right, so what is this place,
home movie theater or something?

No, it isn't a
home movie theater.

Once in my great
grandfather's time,

a family would enjoy
dramatic presentations here.

Sometimes actors were brought

in for private performances
as if for royalty.

You might be interested
to know that in 1859,

John Wilkes Booth performed
Hamlet on this very stage.

Is that before or
after he shot Lincoln?

Before, you idiot.

He was shot afterward.

Oh, yeah.

I guess that make sense?

No doubt.

Over the years,
I have tried to recapture a tiny fragment

of that long lost grace staging
my own humble theatricals here

on this stage.

Mr. Bogen, are you perhaps
familiar with Joan of Arc?

Joan of Arc.

Does the name strike
a responsive cord?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
Ingrid Bergman, right?

She was a nurse or something.

Well, a saint or satanist,
depending on whom you believe.

I find her a fascinating
figure, a saint,

madwoman, warrior, visionary.

Oh, who you have as the
cast, Otis and Wheeler?

Oh' no' no, no-.

Their brains of too deeply
submerged to be able

to decently memorize lines.

I suppose I could speak
through them myself

that I should have no doubt
seeing the results are rather

limited and now I turn to
my patients for the cast.

Do you mean those guys intercom?

Oh, some of them are
perfectly hopeless as actors

of course, the violent ones
or the catatonic ones although

at least they can carry
spears, but you'd be amazed.

Some of their performances
with the proper rehearsal

and motivation can
be quite moving.

Of course, I have recently
suffered a significant setback.

Oh, now, I'm supposed to ask
what your setback is, right?

My lead actress,
my Joan has recently lost the power

of coherent speech.

She just says,
"Snow" over and over again.

I have no idea why.

Maybe she used to
be a weather girl.

No, that's not it.

The point is I have no
Joan but thanks to you,

I now have a unique opportunity.

How so?

By the delightful Mrs.
Oates, of course.

She is going to be my
Joan for a one time only,

never to be forgotten
performance featuring a

climatic, burning at the
stake that will no doubt

from startling in its realism.

You son of a--

Tell me the name of
the second lawyer.

Go to hell.

I hope you do
realize, of course,

that the more you resist,
the happier it makes me.

You're going to torture me
no matter what I tell you.

So you can not only go to hell,
you can go fuck yourself if you, in fact,

have a dick to
fuck yourself with.

Well, I have to admit
you talk a good game.

Now, we are going to see
what you are really made of.

Let the play begin.

Avant, attend and hear the tale

of the gallant maid of Orleans.

Gallant Joan chosen by God,

betrayed by man,

fly on wings imaginary to our scene

of justice most tragic.

Witness the burning of an angel

in a market place of Rome.

Bring forth the accused,
the witch of Orleans.

Here, you kneel,

wicked girl before
the authority of man

and of God, what speak you.

Kindly read the lines, Mrs. Oates.

We are striving for some fragment
of artistic integrity here.

The lines.

All right, all right.

Page 1, please.

Oh, man and God
would speak you

what shall I say to you who are
wrapped in the royal robes of England,

sworn enemy of France.

Speak simply girl,
thou stand not before man

but before God's
chosen officers.

Answer for the crimes of
heresy and of witchcraft.

Confess them harlot.

Yeah , aaw.

What I'm trying
to find my line.

What shall I confess, who have

but followed God's ordin ..
ordin off ordin in.

Ordinances.

Ordinances.

Of what things do you fear to
tell of your speech with Satan?

Of his tempting of the
covenant of 13 which you led

against your rightful king.

I know no rightful king,

save my own King of
France Charles Vi.

Aww what? I am reading it.

Its not Vi, it's V-I-I,

roman numeral VII,
Charles the Seventh.

Continue.

Lance, this is all your fault.

Okay, okay Charles the VII.

And I know nothing of or
intercourse with Satan.

I do as my God commands.

How do you like it so far?

The retard is doing a better
job acting than Lorretta.

Don't worry,
I'm sure she'll get into that spirit

of it as the drama unfolds.

Enough of thy blasphemies
daughter of Satan.

By the word of the rightful king,

I order they bound to
the post of repentances.

No, no.

See citizens of Rouen,
behold the price of a witch,

daughter of Satan confess.

I pray thee and save thy soul.

Fuck off.

Hold it steady half-brain.

Oh, noble sir, I am but a simple
country maid oh, geez Louise.

Lance! God damn it,
tell him the name of the lawyer.

I'm sorry honey,
that's my only bargain and chip.

You hang in there honey lips.

Hang in there, hang in there?

I ought to kill you,
you son of a bitch.

Oh, Jimmy fucking
cricket, now what?

Lance! Aww.

Country maid,
simple country maid.

My soul is God's and his angels
will welcome me to paradise.

He knows the secrets
of my heart as no man

hold it steady ever shall.

Though flame shall consume
me, my face shall not fail.

Though flame shall consume
me holy shit, Lance.

Mr. Bogen, as you can see we
are rapidly approaching the

climax of our little
dramatic tableau,

tell me the name of
the second lawyer.

You ain't no starting
no fire in that stage,

you'll burn your
whole house down.

Your concern for my residence
is touching but don't you worry.

I've taken every precaution
to fireproof the stage.

Then move the smoke,
Helen extinguishes,

will remove the flames
after the play is over.

Nothing will be
permanently damaged

with the exception of Mrs. Oates.

Oh God, Lance, he ain't kidding.

She is right, I ain't kidding.

Tell me the name of
the second lawyer.

Tell me the name of
the second layer!

No.

Please, Jesus, fucking, Christ.

Proceed with the burning.

No, no, wait, wait, wait!

I still have more lines.

That alone, Mrs. Oates,

is sufficient
motivation to proceed.

Mr. Cauchon, your line please.

By the authority of the holy
church, I condemn thee to death

by burning Joan maid of Orleans.

May the devil receive thy soul.

Oh God, oh God,
this is not happening.

This is just not happening!

Myron, goddamn you.

Whatever.

Pretty girl, not hurt.

Otis.

Not hurt.

Pretty girl, not hurt.

Otis.
- Not hurt.

Otis.

No hurt, pretty girl.

MY eyes, my eyes.

Lorretta, what going on here?

Pretty girl, no burn.

House burn!

Myron, for shame running
out on your party like that.

You unhand me you
white trash!

Or what big brain, you
like to out-think me?

Yeah, you would, huh?

Big brain, you want
to out-think me?

Not if you've been
on roller coaster.

Oh, no.

'Cause I am sure
artistic connoisseur

such as yourself will
rather appreciate it.

Yup, thanks for a
lovely evening, Myron.

Lo rretta!

Lo rretta!

Lo rretta!

Howard?

Lance? Lance Bogen.

What the heck is
going on around here?

Beats the royal shit out on
me, Howard.

| got to go-

Yeah, okay.

See you around.

Lance.Lance.

Save me Lance.

Please, help me.

Oh, Lance is coming.

And don't be
playing hard to get.

House burned.

Wasn't that just great,
isn't that perfect.

No Howard, now, no Lance.

Not that I would
have taken him back.

Of course, he did have
ambition, I'll give him that.

Now, what's a girl to do?

Pretty girl.

Yeah, well.

Thanks for everything, Otis.

I'll be seeing you around.

Otis, pretty girl.

Yeah, yeah, you
Tarzan, me, Jane.

I'm sure we just
make a swell couple.

You, Otis Stackpool, me,

Lorretta Stackpool,
you only survived in the Stackpool heir.

Me, controls Stackpool money.

Pretty Lorretta.

Otis, there comes a time in
a girl's life for a romance

and a time for practicality.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Oh, that's okay honey.

Don't you worry none,
your little sweetie Lorretta is going

to take care of everything.

Do you, Lorretta Koslowsky
Oates take this

this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Otis Stackpool,

take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

Otis, say I do.

I, oh

Yes.

Well,

I ahhh

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, we'll skip that
part, thanks anyway.

There now Otis, we're married.

Married?

That's right.

It's going to be
you and me together.

I'm going to take
good care of you.

I'm going to be real sweet.

Sweet.

That's right.

So you see it all
worked out in the end.

Don't you just love
a happy ending?