Head of State (2003) - full transcript

♪

♪ Here's a story about a man

♪ A simple man

♪ A man with a dream
to do the world some good ♪

♪ Here's a story
for rich and poor ♪

♪ For young and for old

♪ About a man from the 'hood

♪ Tryin' to do the world
some good ♪

♪ Here's a story about a man

♪ An everyday man

♪ A man with a dream



♪ To be the head of state,
state, state ♪

♪ Hmm...

Alderman Gilliam's office.

What are you upset about?

It's not a black-owned business?

That's right!

Yeah, but it's a Chinese food
restaurant.

So what?!Yeah!

I know it's fried rice,
but it's not "fried" rice.

Alderman Gilliam's office.

Hi, honey! Hey, hey, Kim, Kim, Kim.

Hey, how is it going, honey?

Got tickets to the symphony.Really? Well, hold on a second,

Listen, on your way home... 'cause I got call.



Mays, you better... I got another call!

Mays? Mays?!

Vote for Gaines and James.

The Million Babies'
Mamas' March?

It's a very good cause.

No, you're going to have to call
Reverend Barton for that one.

I got these food stamps...

No, you can't use food stamps
to buy tires.

Alderman Gilliam?I'm sorry, Mr. Hawkins.

What can I do for you?

Your girlfriend's on hold.

Honey, wait, hold on a second.... put me on hold every time!

Now, now, what was it,
Mr. Hawkins?

The bus, Mays.

I read where they're gonna shut down our bus line.

Mays, are you listening to me?

If they do that,
I can't get to work.

Unless they give me a job

in that new mall.Don't worry, Mr. Hawkins.

I've been talking
to the people downtown,

and I promise you this:

If they shut down
this bus line,

I will drive you to work myself.

You got my word.

Alderman Gilliam, quick!

Miss Pearl is back!

Okay, I gotta go.

Hi, that's me, Mays Gilliam,

alderman of the Ninth Ward
of Washington, D.C.

Not the part of D.C.
that you're familiar with.

I work in a neighborhood so bad,

you can get shot
while you're getting shot.

Around here,
when people have a problem,

they don't call the mayor,
they call me.

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, okay. Miss Pearl!

Miss Pearl! What's going on?

Mays, Dionne is in the house!

I know she is!

Look, I don't know what
she's talking about.

We checked the house;
there's nobody in there.

Hey, man, Dionne is her cat.

Well, whatever.

Cat's got nine lives.
He'll be fine.

Frank, can't we let
one guy go in there

and help this lady
get her cat?

Can't do it, Mays.
Once they laid the explosives,

there's nothing I can do.
She just showed up.

Come on, man, you already took
the lady's house.

Can you at least let her
get her cat?

Hey, we didn't take her house.
We gave her 40 grand.

40 grand? What kind of house
is she supposed to get

with 40 grand?
What, a crack house?

I think she'd be happy
to get out of this rattrap.

Who the hell are you to call
this place a rattrap?

This is my neighborhood.
This is where I'm from.

I got my first bike stolen
right there.

My daddy got his bike stolen
right there.

When I have a son,
I hope he's fortunate enough

to get stuck up right there.

Now, can't you let somebody
go in there and check?

We already looked.
There's nothing in here.

Now, look, we got
work to do here.

Leave the people alone!

Let's go.
Let's get this thing going.

Come on, now.
Come on, Mays!

Come on, stop being
in such a hurry.

We been here all morning.

Dionne?!

Come on, baby!
Oh, sugar baby. Come on!

Could you at least turn it off?
Let the lady get her cat.

Dionne, baby?!

I got something for you!

Dionne!

Miss Pearl, no!

Dionne! Dionne!

All right, turn it off.
Turn it off.

Wait'll this woman
gets her cat.

Shit! It's not working.

Cut it off! Turn it off!

She better get out of there.
It's gonna blow!

Miss Pearl! Miss Pearl! Miss Pearl!

Miss Pearl, come on!

Oh, no, Mays!

Come on!

Mays, you've only
got a minute!

Miss Pearl... Miss Pearl!

Fix it! Get to work!

I'm trying!

Get a union man
on this-- Mays!

Get out! Mays!

Miss Pearl, we got
to get out of here.

They're gonna blow
this place up.

Oh, they wouldn't do
that, baby.

They know we're in here.

Miss Pearl, I love you.
I've known you a long time.

Now, you've seen a lot of things
in your life.

You've seen churches
burnt to the ground.

You've seen dogs
sicced on children.

You've seen Malcolm X killed.
You've seen JFK killed.

They shut up Muhammad Ali.
They shut up Richard Pryor.

They gave Magic Johnson AIDS.

They turned
Michael Jackson white.

Now, do you really think these
people give a damn about you?!

♪ Look for me! Young, B

♪ Cruisin' down the Westside

♪ High, way,
Doing what we like to do ♪

♪ Our way,
Eyes behind shades... ♪

We interrupt the Jay-Z song

to bring you this
special bulletin.

Presidential candidate Senator
Sam Gaines and his running mate,

General Olson James,
were both killed today

when their planes crashed
into each other over Virginia.

We now return you to the Jay-Z
song already in progress.

♪ Cuz Mami's a rider,
and I'm a roller ♪

♪ Put us together,
how they gon' stop both us? ♪

♪ Whatever she lacks,
I'm right over her shoulder ♪

♪ When I'm off track,
Mami is keepin' me focused ♪

♪ So let's lock this down
like it's supposed to be ♪

♪ The '03 Bon...

Hey, what's up, Warren?

I'm trying to be like you, hero.
What's up, man?

Saving kittens? Don't steal my car now.

I don't want that garbage.

What am I gonna do,
feed your car to my car, man?

Let me get ten Nine Lives,
four Lucky Ducks,

two Straight Pokers...

three Crabpots
and five Powerballs.

Thank you. Here you go.

Y'all need to stop.
Y'all need to stop it now.

Um, why are all these people
in here clapping?

What, you didn't see me
on the news?

No, I didn't.

I got meat! More beef than
East Coast, West Coast rap.

Check it out!

Hey, Superman!
Saving lives and stuff.

Why don't you cop one
of these pork chops, ah?

You know what you need
to do?

You need to leave.
I'm not gonna tell you again.

Come on, man,
nobody wants your meat.

I mean, who the hell wants
to buy stolen meat?

I'll take a T-bone.You like gizzards too?

We can get set up
with Chinese food.

Good.Clifton, Barracuda!

Hey, did you hear about that guy
running for President?

Who do you think they're
gonna get to replace him?

I don't know.
Maybe they should get Shaq.

Nobody can beat him. Now,
are you gonna get some gas?

You're holding my line up.Yeah, I'm sorry.

Ten on three.

♪ All I need
in this life of sin ♪

♪ Is me and my girlfriend ♪ Me and my girlfriend

♪ Down to ride to the very end,
it's me... ♪

You've got a lot of nerve
hanging up on me.

Hanging up? What-Wha--

Wha-What's going on?

I'm leaving you,
that's what's going on!

You know, the only reason
I ever accepted

this engagement ring
from you in the first place

is because I thought
you had potential!

I thought
you wanted more, Mays!

Why can't you just play
the game, Mays?!

Wear a suit!

Be a real politician! Wait a minute.

What's my clothes
have to do with a...

Are you seeing somebody else?

I'm seeing everybody else!

I've met mosquitoes
with more force than you.

I'm tired
of your little games...

and I'm tired of being
your little secretary.

Here's the light bill.
I didn't pay it.

Here's the cable bill.
I didn't pay that either.

And here's the bill
for your car note.

I hope they take it!

Wait a minute. That's my car!
That's my car!

I hate that piece of shit.

I am tired of spending
my time

waiting for you to quit
acting like a child

and act like a grown man
for a change, Mays!

I need to get on
with my life!

I want a house! I want children!

I want to go on vacation!

You're horrible in bed!

I wish you would.

For the last time,
I'm not running for President.

I'm not crazy.
Gaines was 20 points behind.

It's ten weeks to election day.

Damn it! Those guys
should have known better

than to talk on a cell phone
in a plane.

What about Sanderson?

That's a joke. Lewis has been
Vice President for eight years.

He's a war hero,
and he's Sharon Stone's cousin.

He can't lose.

What about Mosley?

Don't worry, nobody said
anything about conceding, Debra,

but let's get real here.

You know,
we're gonna lose this one.

So the thing to do

is to set the party up
for the next election.

We need a candidate that's
going to put on a good show.

This isn't a circus.

It's a presidential election.

You can't just
pick some...

some guy to run for President.

This is unprecedented,

but if I put in a call
to the party chairman,

we find a candidate,
he'll back him.

Who's going
to run a race

that they know they can't win?

Who says he has to know?

♪ Young, B

♪ Cruisin' down the Westside

♪ High, way,
Doing what we like to do ♪

♪ Our, way,
Eyes behind shades ♪

♪ This necklace the reason...

What the...?

What now?

No! No, not my bike!

Not my bike!

Not my bike! No!

Now, when I
went in there,

I wasn't thinking
about being a hero.

I was just trying
to help Miss Pearl.

Miss Pearl.

Miss Pearl.
Miss Pearl.

I think we found our man.

Oh, look at this!
This is, this is great!

This is America, see?

Little guy against
the big guy.

Corporations
against the people.

Young versus old.
What's better than this?

Come on, give me a break!

I'm going to run
an alderman for President?

No. He's not an alderman.

He's a hero.

Who doesn't like a hero?

Big business loves a hero!

See?

Bill, you said that we needed
somebody who can help the party.

Now, how in the hell does
this guy help the party?

I'm glad you asked.

See, the United
States is changing.

Well, America is changing.

Inside of 20 years--
well, you know the numbers:

20 % black, 21 % Asian...

39 % Hispanic.

The minorities will be
the majority.

Now, the smartest thing
we can do is be the first party

to nominate a minority
for President.

How about a cripple?

I don'’t think so, Charlie.

Now, uh, we'll lose,
of course...

but the minorities
will be happy.

The minorities will be happy,

and they will vote for us
in 2008

because we've shown
we support them.

And the white people will vote
for us because, uh...

well, our guy isn't black.

You got my vote!

Geller, why don't you,
uh, see if you can track down

this, uh, Mays Gilliam?

Uh, Charlie...
go check our accounts.

Give me one good reason
why I should go along with this.

Don't you get it, Debra?

I intend to run for President
in 2008.

Now, you give me one reason
why you shouldn't.

Well... I mean, he-he
would take a lot of work.

And we can run
a background check,

but it's obvious he's not
a party line candidate.

I mean, he's just some kid who
thinks he can make a difference.

Don't worry about all that.

You just go out there,
you put the machine behind him.

You get 25 points in the poll,
consider it a win.

Make sure
he doesn't embarrass us.

After this is over,
we get to work.

When I'm President...

I'll take care of you.

Coop, you got
to help me.

They locked me
out of my office.

I know. The mayor is
fed up with you.

How many times
have I told you?

You got to quit trying
to fix stuff.

I could have got you
into the council next term.

Now you're red-lined.

Shannon's taking over
your district.

They need to smooth over
this mall situation,

and that bus thing's
about to heat up.

They don't trust you.They don't trust me?

I'm not the one stealing
people's houses.

You see, that's what your
problem is right there.

You got to work
with us, Mays!

That stuff you pulled over there
cost the city money.

Makes the mayor look bad.

Now, contrary
to popular belief,

politics is no place
to express yourself.

You want to get in,
you got to fit in.

And look at you.

Grow up.
You got to dress better.

Even Puff Daddy wears
a suit to court.

I'm sorry, brother,
but ain't nothing I can do.

Nice car.

Hey, ain't it, though?

Got it for a song
at the repo auction.

♪ Look for me! Young, B

♪ Cruisin' down the Westside

♪ High, way...

♪ He feels bad, mighty low

♪ Got nowhere to go

♪ What can you do
when you're feeling low? ♪

♪ Man, I wanna know

♪ He feels bad, mighty low

♪ Got nowhere to go

♪ What can you do
when you're feeling low ♪

♪ And your car
just got repo'd? ♪

Mays Gilliam?

Mays Gilliam,
Debra Lassiter.

Nice to meet you.
Take a seat.

Mays, we know what
happened today.

We know you lost your job.

Well, how'd you know that?

It just happened.

We're the government, Mays.
We know everything.

Mays, we'd like you
to do something for us.

Yeah, sure, I-I-I'd love to work
on a presidential campaign.

You know,
I'll make phone calls...

send out flyers.

Now, who have you guys chosen
to run against Lewis?

Well, that's exactly what
we wanted to talk to you about.

We'd like you
to run for President.

Of what?

The United States.

Of what?

Of America.

Which America?: North...!

America, Mays.

Get outta here!

We're not joking, Mays.

We want you to be the nominee
for the office

of President
of the United States of America.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You guys couldn't find
anybody else to run?

You couldn't find nobody?

Mm, something's wrong here.

You couldn't find
a-a congressman, a senator?

I mean, I'm just an alderman.

Congressmen, senators, they work
with other politicians.

You're an alderman,
Mays.

You work with the people,

and that's what we want--
a man of the people.

This is a big joke, right?

They've got a hidden camera
somewhere around here.

Y'all are gonna get
a big laugh outta this.

Well, you know what?

I don't even care, 'cause one
of y'all is gonna drive me home

'cause my bike is messed up.

You an American, Mays?

Wow. Bill Arnot.

Are you an American?

Yes.

Mays, this isn't just
an election.

It's a moment.

This is the moment when
you have the opportunity

to show little
boys and girls,

men and women, what
America's all about.

Look at that.

When I see
that, I think

of our forefathers fighting
to make this country what it is.

And when I see that,
I think about the guy

who's got to scrub
it for minimum wage.

That's why
we want you, Mays.

You care
about the little people.

So what's it going to be?

It gives me great honor

to accept the party's nomination

for President
of the United States of America.

No!

Welcome to your
campaign headquarters.

These folks are going to do everything they can to help you get elected.

These are your people.

Oh, here,
let's take a look at this.

Hey, Mark,
is that cued up?

Yep.

Roll it, please.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah...

Oh, this is
a great spot.

If you love America,

vote Mays Gilliam for President.

Huh?

But I'm-I'm not in it.

You don't even see my face.

Well, it's a template. We'll
get you in there eventually.

Mays, there's a couple of people
I want you to meet.

This is your security director,
Mr. Earl.

You're going to be
in good hands.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

If you ever find yourself
in trouble,

just yell "security,"

and my people will handle
the situation.

This is your decoy,
Mays Junior.

He enters all of your events
before you.

If anything's going
to happen to you,

it'll happen to him first.

You know, Tupac could've used
a guy like you.

This is Nicollette White.

She's your Executive Director
of Internal Liaisons.

You can call me Nikki.

It will be a pleasure
to serve you.

I am available to you
around the clock.

Just let me know.

Now, what does she do?

Oh, she sleeps with you.

Oh, we get tired of getting
caught up in sex scandals,

so we commissioned our own team
of super whores.

You call yourself
whores?!

Move that fat ass!
One! Two! Three!

These girls are good.

Good morning, Mays.

I took the liberty
of choosing some options

for this evening's
fundraiser.

You don't mind,
do you?

No, no, I-I'll wear whatever
you need me to wear.

Now, what fundraiser is this?

It's your coming-out party.

Campaigns cost money.

The people you meet tonight
have plenty of it.

Now, Geller and I are going
to advance the party,

and Mr. Earl will bring you
8:00 sharp.

Here are your
off-the-cuff remarks.

Learn them.

See you later.
Okay.

Sir!

Remember, sir,
just nod and move.

Nod and move.

Mr. Gilliam!

So, what do you plan to do
about taxes?

Do you plan to support
paternal leave incentives?

Hey, could you get my demo
to somebody?

Anybody, please!
Please!

Don't accept
any unscreened packages, sir.

It's a security
measure.

Mays, Mays...

You have some people
to talk to.

Tomorrow, work.
Tonight, smile, shake hands,

and be nice to the wives.

I'll double-check
the P.A. system.

You'll make a brief statement
at 11:00.

Okay, let's go.Let's go.

Hi. How you doing?

All right.
You all right.

I wish you luck, sir.

Arrigato.

It's a little bit
like Timberland,

you know, and I got
a little bit of Missy

moving up through there,

but what I'm really
trying to go through

is that Neptune kinda
feel, you know, so I...

Excuse me, Mays,
the Teamsters are here.

What are you doing
talking to the help?

Gentlemen,
Mr. Mays Gilliam.

Guys, I just want
to say, hey,

I'm all for labor,
I'm all for unions,

but you know
and I know

that you guys are
gonna endorse Lewis.

It's a business decision.

We're going to do
what's best for the union.

By the way, have you decided
on a running mate?

We're thinking about it.

Well, we think maybe
you should consider Sanders.

Well, we're considering
several options.

Yeah, well, maybe you should
also consider giving us

support on that new referendum.Excuse me.

Well, that depends.
Can we depend on your support...?

What's up
with this guy?

Track four.
Check out track four.

So, what do
you have there?

Well, we got
some shrimp puffs

and some cheese snacks--

you know, just some...
finger foods.

Thought that was you.

So, what's up
with the two jobs?

Bad credit?

Why do I have to have
bad credit?

Why can't I be saving up
for a car or for school?

Maybe I like to work.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry.
You know what?

I never got your name.

Lisa. Lisa Clark.Hey, Lisa Clark. Mays.

So why you being so rude,
Lisa Clark?

I'm not trying to be rude.
I'm working.

We're not supposed to
mingle with the guests.

Plus, I don't know you.

You know me.Uh, no, I don't know you.

But you know me.

You've come to
the gas station

a couple of times,

and I see you, but
I don't know... you.

Well, let's get to know
each other.

Come on, let's dance.I have to work.

I know you're working.

Yes, I'm working, too,
so let's keep working.

You want to dance?

Okay, but don't get me
in trouble.

Hit it!

♪ Oh

I cannot believe you got
me out here like this.

Yeah, but you like it, right?

Yeah, a little.♪ A little bit a ah, ah

♪ With a little bit a

♪ Flirtatious,
tryin' to show faces, oh ♪

♪ Lookin' for the right time
to shoot my steam ♪

Uh-oh, I'm feeling
it, I'm feeling it.

♪ Lookin' for the right time
to flash them Gs, then, um ♪

♪ No deceivin',
nothin' up my sleeve ♪

♪ No teasin',
I need you to get up ♪

♪ Up on the dance floor

♪ Give that man
what he askin' for ♪

Go ahead, girl, work it.♪ Cuz I feel like
bustin' loose ♪

Work it!♪ And I feel like
touchin' you, uh, uh ♪

♪ And can't nobody stop
the juice ♪

♪ So baby tell me
what's the use ♪

♪ I said it's gettin' hot
in here, so hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes

♪ I am gettin' so hot Oh, my God. You know what?

I'm having too much fun.

I gotta get
back to work.

No, come on, stay. No! I gotta go.

Come on, co... come on!

♪ So take off all your clothes

♪ I am gettin' so hot...

Come on, brother,

I know you know how
to do this dance.

No, sorry, I don't.

Come on, man,
I know you know how to do

the Electric Slide.

No, I can't say
that I do.

♪ And I be down, and do a
hundred, top down and goggles ♪

Get yo ass in there!

♪ Get off the freeway,
exit 106 ♪

♪ And parked it Ash tray,
flip gate, time to spark it ♪

♪ So take it off
like you're home alone ♪

What the hell is this?!

♪ You know dance
in front your mirror ♪Where's Mays?

♪ Checkin' your reflection
and tellin' your best friend ♪

Over there.♪ "Girl, I think
my butt gettin' big" ♪

Oh, my...

God!

We gotta stop him.What...?

Excuse us, please.

♪ I am getting so hot

♪ I wanna take my clothes off

What do you think
you're doing?!

Mays, stop it!

Come on, man, I'm just trying
to get the party started.

♪ Throw your hands
in the air ♪

♪ And wave 'em like
you just don't care ♪

♪ And if I got your vote
for President ♪

♪ Let me hear you say,
"Oh, yeah!" ♪

♪ Oh, yeah!

Shake that ass, Grandma!

Let me see you bounce!
Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!

Yeah, we got a couple
of freaks over there.

♪ Oh, baby, hot!

Let me see you shake!
Shake! Shake! Shake!

Crip walk!

♪ Day-o, day-o, day-o

The roof!

The roof!

The roof is on fire!

The roof is on fire!

No-no! No, no, no!

No, no, it's a saying.

It's just a saying.
Come back.

You turned the party out.

I've never seen
anything like that.

Great party.

Too bad about
the fire.

So, where you off to now?

Uh, I'm not even sure.

I mean, we start
campaigning tomorrow.

We're going to be
all over the country.

You need a ride home?

Oh, no.
I still have to clean up.

I don't know how long
that's going to take me.

Well, I could wait.

Are you sure?
I mean, you know,

I could send a car
to pick you up.

No, thanks,
but I-I got to go.

It was good
seeing you again.

You, too, buddy, ol' pal.

Can I get a good night kiss?

No!

Lisa!"No!"

I'm coming!

She's coming!

Hurry up! Hurry! Look, I got to go.

Good luck, and... call me,
if you get a chance.

Okay?

Didn't you see me talking?

Mays!

What kind of display
was that?

Well, I was just trying
to get the party started.

If the party needs
to get started,

I'll handle it.

Just do what
we say, Mays.

I don't think
everybody appreciated

what you did
in there!

We really had
a great time!

It was off the hizzle
for shizzle.

Look...

Well, they liked it.

No, I-I don't care
what they liked. I...

But they liked it.

Oh, Mays, darling!
Mmm, mmm...

Darling, are
you done yet?

No? If not, it's okay.
I can wait.

But if we hurry,

we'll be able to get
a table at Jezebel's.

Oh. Good evening.

We're getting married.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

You know what
I can't decide?

I can't decide whether
we should have a DJ or a band.

DJ, band, DJ, band,
DJ, band...

Security!

Thank you for inviting me
to the land of milk and honey.

It's you people,

the dairy people,
people that make eggs,

milk, cheese

butter, bacon,
that make the country great.

Milk makes the body good,
and you make the country good.

Thank you for inviting me
to Memphis, Tennessee.

It's people like you,
the church people,

who are the backbone
and the spirit

of this great land of ours.

I love the Lord,
and I love the King--

Elvis Presley.

I want to thank you
for inviting me

to the Lone Star State.

Home of the Cowboys!

How 'bout the Cowboys?

It's people like you,

the ranchers, who are
the backbone of this country.

And before I go,
I got one more thing to say:

♪ The stars at night
are big and bright ♪

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas.

Hey, well, it's not bad.

Martin, am I going to get
another speech anytime soon?

Why, Mays, what's the matter
with this speech?

I don't know. It just seems
like maybe I should be talking

about something
a little more relevant.

Relevant?

Yeah. I mean,
people are cheering,

but they would cheer if I read
the recipe for cornbread.

I mean, it's not like
it's working.

I'm only one point up
in the polls.

Oh, don't worry
about the polls, Mays.

They're just a sampling.
Polls change.

Don't get ahead
of yourself, Mays.

We're here to help you.

Besides, the people
really like you.

Cheer up. We're going to be
in Chicago in a few days.

You got a brother
in Chicago, don't you?

That's when the people find out
what you're all about.

Yeah, but I don't even know
what I'm all about.

♪ He's a hero, he's a hero

♪ Of the corn folk

♪ Strutting to
the Promised Land... ♪

In the latest polls,

Mays Gilliam is up
just one point to ten percent,

while Vice President Brian Lewis
still holds a commanding 84 %.

Six percent are undecided,
saying they don't know

who they're voting for--
they just know it's not Gilliam.

Mays, when you get out there,
listen to the crowd.

Talk to them.

I mean, make it look like

you believe
in what you're saying.

Okay.

I know we haven't exactly
always seen eye to eye,

but this, Mays,
is very important.

I can't stress that enough.

Alderman Gilliam?

There's a Mitch
Gilliam outside.

He says he's
your brother.

Mitch?
Send him in.

Tonight, America is going to get

its first impressions
of Mays Gilliam.

You know what they say
about first impressions.

Oh! Oh...

Look at my little
brother, man!

Man, I thought you said

you were going to call me
when you got into town!

I was trying to call you, man,

but I've been doing press
all day.

My little brother
running for President.

Let me introduce you
to Martin Geller,

Debra Lassiter.

What's happening
with you, baby?

Thank you for what you're
doing for my brother.

Appreciate it.

And how about you, thriller?

What's going on? Nice to meet you.

And what do you do
for a living?

Well, um...
I'm a bail bondsman.

I got an office
on the South Side.

Bail bondsman.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Wow. A bail bondsman.

Well, that...

that's...

How's business?

I'll tell you
how business is.

Business is great.

Thank God for crime.

Thank God for crime.

Could y... could y'all
give us a minute?

Five.

Yeah...

Nice. Real nice.

Look at you, man!

I see you all on the
shows, politicking.

Come on over here.

Like the way your
campaign going?

Look at this.

Let me ask you something,
little brother.

When they gonna let you speak?

I've been talking all day, man.

I was talking to the press
this morning.

You been talking,
but I'm saying

when they gonna let you
speak your mind?

This ain't you.
You going to say this shit?

This shit is booty.

You go out there
and say this if you want to,

watch sandman
come sweep your butt offstage.

Look at this.
You got a poster:

"Mays"-- who they talking about?
Willie?

Let me tell you
something, Mays.

These are everyday common folk,

working people out there.

These are laborers,
construction workers, nurses.

You play the game
when you working for them.

This is your campaign.

You're supposed to be in charge.

It's time, Mays.

I got to go.

I love you, man,

and I'm with you
no matter what.

Okay?

Go get 'em.

I'll see you out
there, all right?

All right.

Hey, Mays... speak.

Chicago, please welcome
your next President,

Alderman Mays Gilliam!

What the hell is he doing?

You know, they had a speech
written for me...

about what the people need,

but you guys are the people.

You know what you need.

Yes, sir!

Better jobs.

Oh, yeah.

Right on!

Tell it!

How many of you, right now,
work two jobs

just to have enough money
to be broke?

That ain't right.

Sounds like
my brother-in-law!

If you work two jobs,

and at the end of the week,

you got just enough money
to get your broke butt home,

let me hear you say,
"That ain't right!"

That ain't right!

How many of you

have children
that they call stupid?

Don't be ashamed!

It ain't your fault.

I asked my niece the other day,
"What's four plus four?"

She said, "44."

But that ain't
her fault!

That's the school's fault.

Now, if your child's school
has old-ass books

and brand-new metal detectors,

let me hear you say,
"That ain't right!"

That ain't right! That ain't right!

It ain't right! And now we got

these corporations
stealing all the money.

They ain't stealing their money.
They stealing our money!

The pension.

You work
for 35 years.

You thought you was gonna
leave your kids a will,

now you gonna leave 'em a won't!

You show up
to get your pension,

they give you a pen!

Give you a damn pen!

Now what the hell
am I supposed to do with a pen?

I should just stab you in the neck with this pen,
Mr. Pension Taker.

Get your hand
out of my pocket!

Taking everybody's pension
and nobody going to jail.

That'’s some bullshit, man.
That'’s some bullshit.

Meanwhile you or I,
we steal a Big Mac with cheese,

next thing you know
we'’re on death row.

How many of you work in a city
you can't afford to live in?

That ain't right!

How many of you

work in a mall that
you can't afford to shop in?

That ain't right!

How many of you clean up a hotel

you ain't never gonna be able
to stay in?

That ain't right!

That ain't right!
That ain't right!

And we got nurses
that work in hospitals

that they can't even afford
to get sick in.

That ain't right!

It ain't right!

It ain't right!
It ain't right!

It isn't right!

That shit is wrong.

It's dead wrong!

I'm Mays Gilliam,

and I'm running for President
of the United States of America.

That ain't right!

That ain't right!
That ain't right!

No questions.

Sorry.

Where's Mitch? Mays! Mays! Mays!

You go to work.

Handle your business.

If you need me,
you call me, hear?

I'm gonna call you.

Get that camera
out of my face.

Are you insane?

You can't just go out
in front of 5,000 people

and just talk!
And you said "shit."

Presidential candidates
do not say "shit."

You show me a grown man
that'’s never said "shit"

and I'’ll show you somebody
that'’s full of shit.

Debra, hold on.

What you just did,

...that was great.

Maybe you're right--
maybe we could tailor

the speeches
more to you.

My speeches?

Come on, did you hear them?!

Guys, if this thing
is gonna work,

then it's got to fit me.

It's got to be
my campaign, okay?

This is not
your campaign.

You will do what
I tell you to,

or you'll be back in D.C.
on your damn bicycle.

Hey, I'm the one that's running
for President here.

Now, if we're gonna run
this campaign,

it's gotta go my way.Mays...

We're gonna do it
the way I want it done.

Now hold on.

I-I don't know if that's
such a good idea.

Hey, if you don't know,
you better ask somebody.

♪ What they don't know is,
the bull, the drama ♪

♪ The ..., the armor, the city,
the farmer, the babies ♪

♪ The mama, what?

♪ The projects, the drugs,
the children, the thugs ♪

♪ The tears, the hugs,
the love, the slugs... ♪

After a slow start,

Mays Gilliam has made
some dramatic changes

in his presidential campaign.

♪ They don't know ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da

♪ Who we be ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da

♪ They don't know ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da

♪ Who we be...

Hi. I'm Mays Gilliam,

candidate for President
of the United States.

This is my new headquarters.

The individuals
you see before you

will help me guide my campaign.

These are my people.

♪ They don't know ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da...

Mays Gilliam is turning
the establishment on its ear

with his new controversial
campaign ads.

♪ Who we be ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da

♪ They don't know ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da...

If you love America, vote
Mays Gilliam for President.

Paid for by Citizens
for Mays Gilliam.

The part of Mays Gilliam's
Security Director

will now be played
by Muhammad Muhammad Muhammad.

Child care is one
of the most important issues

facing this country today.

The working mother has to take
her child to a nanny.

The nanny has to take her child
to a baby-sitter.

The baby-sitter has to take
her child to day care.

Now on the count of three,
I want everybody

to take care
of their own damn kids!

Whose baby is this?
Whose baby is it?

It ain't mine.

Gay people want what
every other American wants:

A good house, a good job!

I believe in gay rights
because when I see gay people,

all I'm seeing are people,

normal people
like every other American.

Thank you, thank you
for inviting me

to the Player's Ball!

Now, America needs
to change its ways.

I promise,
if I'm your President,

I will take care of everybody:

big business and small business,
show business and ho business.

Hello, Debra.

Bill, I am in Detroit
at a Player's Ball

with pimps and whores.

Excuse me-- "hoes"!

But, listen, I can't do this.

You got to get me out of here.

I can't control him!

He won't listen to me!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, Debra.

No, no, no, I-I need you out
there, and this is going great.

But...

Now, look, look,
this is what we wanted.

I love this guy.
"That ain't right!"

He really thinks
he can make a difference.

Bill...?

Yeah, look, Debra,
stop worrying.

This will work out fine. Bye.

Don't I know you?

No!

♪ He feels good,
things are going his way ♪

♪ He just might be
the President someday... ♪

What do you think
about the band?

I love the band.

Mays, darling?

I've been thinking.
I want a small wedding,

but I think I want
150, maybe 200 people.

And I know
I've always said

I wanted a wedding
in a church,

but lately,
I've been thinking

about the
Botanical Gardens.

We could do it
by the tulips.

Oh, it'll be
beautiful, Mays.

Security!

Who the hell is Mays Gilliam?

He's running
against you, sir.

What happened to, uh, Gaines?

He died in a plane crash.

Get out of here!

Gaines is dead?

Don't you remember?
It was on the news.

Not my news.

This fella Gilliam
is an alderman from D.C.

He took Gaines' place, sir.

I'm running against this guy?

Yes, sir.

Well...

This is some bullshit.

This is my time.

I've been Vice President
for eight years.

I am a war hero,
and I am Sharon Stone's cousin!

And I'’ll be damned
if I'’m going to let

my election be ruined
by this asshole!

I want this guy done.

You hear me?
Finish him!

He will be destroyed, sir,
as you wish.

This is the White House
without Mays Gilliam.

Peaceful, isn't it?

Now, this is the White House
if Gilliam is elected.

Let's keep Mays Gilliam
out of the White House.

Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.

How do you want
to handle this?

Well, I don't want
to go negative.

Mays!

Hold on, nobody wants
to hear that.

I want people to vote for me,
not against Lewis.

Well, people don't know
what they want to hear.

Mays, we have
to respond.

I think we go with something
measured, accurate.

Let's call him on his record!

You can't challenge Lewis
on his record

when Mays doesn't have one.How about a massage?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome presidential
candidate Mays Gilliam!

Yeah!

Mays Gilliam, everybody!

Thank you! Thank you!

This is conservative talk 520.

You're listening to Big Dave.

Negative ads.
Lewis is up, Gilliam is down.

I think it's great!
You know, bottom line,

I don't think
I'd want Gilliam and his homeys

to be in the White House.

Thank you! Thank you!

People are saying these ads
are dirty politics.

I say give me a small break!

I mean, we're not talking about
running a... a rib shack,

we're talking about
running a country!

He's running for President,

and every vote counts.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mays Gilliam!

Mays! Mays! Mays!

And, you know,
if these ads are so bad,

why hasn't Gilliam
said anything? Caller...

Howard Stern rocks!

You're on with Big Dave.

The reason Gilliam
hasn't responded,

is because he has
too much integrity.

Hey, Mays,
we just got endorsements

from Raekwon the Chef
and Ghost Face Killa.

Is this good?

It's great.

Where are we
on this running mate thing?

I've been making calls.

Nobody wants to
run with you.

Well, who'd you call?

Everybody.

Did you call Hammer?

No, I did not
call Hammer.

Well, then you didn't call
everybody.

Mr. Gilliam,
can I have your autograph?

I'll be right back.

Should we call Hammer?

No!

Say "cheese."

Mays Gilliam did not attend
this year's annual rally

against cancer.

Is Mays Gilliam for cancer
or against cancer?

Mays Gilliam-- he's for cancer.

Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.

No, no, he does not get
away with this crap!

Okay, this is what
we're gonna do.

You ever watch Bugs Bunny?

Bugs Bunny?

Him and Elmer Fudd
would fight all the time,

and Bugs would shoot him
in the face,

and Bugs would drop a anvil
on his head.

But you know what made Elmer
really mad?

When Bugs Bunny kissed him.

And that's what we gotta do,
we got to kiss this bitch.

How do you propose we do that? MAYS: Well, watch this.

Hi, I'’m a Klansman.

I hate niggers,
Jews and fags.

But I love Brian Lewis.

Yo, yo, wassup?

I'm Osama Bin Laden.

I hate America,
but I love Brian Lewis.

Paid for by Osama bin Laden.

Sharon Stone is a defector.

That's what Lewis campaign
insiders are saying

about the Hollywood star
and cousin of Vice President

Brian Lewis, after Stone's
surprise endorsement

of Mays Gilliam.

I don't believe it! I don't...

Yeah?

...pundits are calling him
a legitimate contender.

I know!

I know.
Did you hear...?

What are you doing here?

Gilliam is
over 30 points.

So that means,
even if he loses,

he's the front-runner
in 2008.

Now, in case
you've forgotten,

I intend to run for
President in 2008,

and I am not
running against him.

So this is over.

Now either you put a stop to it
or I will.

I came onboard
to run a campaign

for a man
we didn't expect to win,

not to sabotage him
so he'd lose.

Oh, come on, Debra, you're
in this as thick as I am.

Of course he's supposed to lose!

That's why we picked him.

Now, are you with me...
or are you with him?

I thought you wanted
what was best for the party.

I'm what's best for the party!

Oh. What's the matter, Bill?

Democracy doesn't work for you
when you're not winning?

I'm with him.

I'm with him?

Who are these
people again?

The Urban Business Board.Okay, we're ready.

Hey, what are your plans
for Social Security?

Give it to old people.

What are your plans
on global warming?

Global ice tea.

You the man! You the woman!

♪ Burn, baby, burn!

Mays, I want
to introduce you

to Chester Norris Allen.

Hey.

He owns a bottling plant
in D.C.,

and I spoke to him
about our problem.

We've got a nice check for you.Sorry, but we can't

take your money,
'cause you guys

sell malt liquor
to kids.

I do no such thing.

Aw, come on, man.

It's orange beer

with a nipple top.

Now who's that for?

It's "Crib Malt
Liquor," man!

He's unbelievable!

Damn it, Mays.
We need that money.

Why do you make everything
so difficult?

It's "Crib Malt Liquor."

"Crib Malt Liquor"?

"Just like Mama used to make"?

Whose mama? Not my mama!

The situation is getting tense

with the threat of the bus line
being shut down.

Now, protestors took their
concerns to transit officials,

but talks broke down when
the newly-appointed alderman,

Reginald Shannon,

was punched in the face
by an angry protester.

Oil talks resumed...

Good evening, sir.

Yeah, what's up, Nikki?

Well, I noticed
you weren't at the party,

so I thought...

if there is anything
you would like for me to do,

I would be happy to.

Could I ask you something?

Yes.

You know, you seem
like a nice girl.

How'd you get into
this line of work?

Oh.

Well... I...

went to the University
of Nebraska

where I majored
in theater and communications.

I did some extra work

in a couple things
that went straight to video.

Whoo!

Okay.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Since I've been here,
you haven't really given me

any... assignments.

I was wondering
if you find me attractive.

Oh, I...
I think you're...

I think you're
very attractive.

It's just that...

I like to get
to know people

before I get involved.

I don't mean to be
out of line, sir,

but, um... are you?

Am I what?

Trying to get to know somebody.

It is late.

I'm outta here.

Girl, you need
to take a cab.

I'll be fine.

I'm just gonna walk.

Take a cab!

I'll be fine.
I'll walk.

Need a ride?

So where we going?

Just thought I'd give
you a little tour.

♪ I can tell you how I feel
about you night and day ♪

♪ How I feel about you...

Now, if you look over there,
it's the Lincoln Memorial.

Now, Lincoln freed the slaves,

but before he did it,

he said, "First, you
gotta build me a statue."

Now, right there is
the Jefferson Memorial.

Now, Jefferson had
a black mistress.

He said, "All men
are created equal,

but black women
got the nicest ass."

He said it.

That's the Treasury.

Now, if you look real hard
in the window,

you can see Oprah
counting her money.

Yep. One and trillion one...

...one and trillion two...

Hey, Oprah!

♪ I can tell you how I feel

♪ About you night and day...

I mean, what's it like,

like, traveling
all over the country

and-and-and meeting
all those people?

I like it.
I like traveling.

I like meeting
the people.

It's just sometimes...

you don't know if people
like you for you.

You know what I mean?

Well, I like you for you.

And I think you're okay.

Just okay?
I'm just playing.

You know, I forgot
how nice D.C. was.

I mean, I'm always working.

I never get a chance
to check it out.

Well, maybe you need
to take advantage

of what's in front of you.

I mean, you never know.

You may look up someday,
and it just might not be there.

Freeze!

Oh, God!

Put your hands up in the air,

and step away
from Mr. Gilliam!

It's okay! It's okay!

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?

You can't just go
dashing off

in the middle of the night
with some damn girl!

Mays, something's happened.

We got to pack
and get out of here.

Right now.

Will somebody make sure
that she gets home safely?

Come on.

We have a plane waiting for us.

In Florida today,

guns and explosives
were found

in a junior high school
student's locker.

No one was injured
in the incident,

but with just six weeks
till election day,

this could be a hot-button issue
for both parties.

Now, back to the Jay-Z song
already in progress.

Muhammad, get me a gun

in case another one of these
kids tries to get crazy.

This could work
in our favor.

Florida is a big
Second Amendment state.

This is serious, Mays.

This is not
the Player's Ball.

Now, you can cut into
Lewis' numbers here.

Just talk about the kids,
not about the guns.

If I get shot,
everybody's fired.

Mr. Gilliam!

One question here.

Alderman Gilliam,
there's been an outcry

that something needs to be done
about school violence.

If you get into the White House,

what do you plan to do
about this?

Well, I feel that we need
to talk to our kids...

Because our kids are...

Excuse me.

Hello, children.

Good morning.

I'm so sorry
this happened.

All right,
pay attention.

Bullshit 101.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our American children
are hurting today

and I think we need
to reach out to them

and give them all a good
old-fashioned American hug.

Now, America
is the greatest country

on the face of the earth.

And I just want to say today,

God bless America...

and no place else.

Thank you.

Thank you, children.

No more bombs now.

And don't use guns.

Now that went well.

That was
very touching.

Kids really like me.

You were
very genuine.

They responded.

I tried to hug a girl and a boy
so I wouldn't seem sexist.

V.P. Lewis.

Mr. Vice President.

Well, welcome to the show,
Alderman Gilliam.

I'm surprised

you're not off somewhere
with your little girlfriend.

How'd you know about her?

I'm the government, son.

I know everything.

Sir, we really should debate.

Let's get something straight,
Gilliam.

I don't know you
and I don't like you.

Party's over, Gilliam.

I'’m fixing to whup your ass,
you got it?

Sir, we really should debate!

God bless America,
and no place else!

Sir, we just got
this off the uplink.

What is it?

It's an off-the-record
comment by Mays Gilliam.

Bad?

Yes, sir.

Good work.

Oh, oh, it's on.

You guys, come here.

Vice President Lewis
was on the scene

comforting parents
and students.

Hello, my young Americans.

The press is in
Lewis' back pocket.

Good morning, children.

In this CNB News exclusive

our cameras caught Gilliam
making what was arguably

the most controversial statement
of the day.

What?

What do you expect?
They act like us.

We're bombing countries
all the time.

If I was 12,
I'd probably have a gun, too.

Tell me you didn't say that.

I didn't know the camera
was on me.

I was just playing around
with some sound guy.

You didn't know
the camera was on you?

You didn't know
the camera was on you?

Of course the camera's on you!
It's always on you!

You're running for President! I told you right
from the beginning.

I don't want to hear another word from you.
This is all your fault.

Gilliam is now under
investigation by the FBI

for his involvement with
this man, friend and associate

and accused drug lord,
Warren Pryor.

Oh, Lord, we're going to jail.

We're not going to jail.

Is it true?

Hey, what's up, Warren?

I know him, but I don't

"drug lord" know him.

It's just a guy I see around
the way I say, "What's up?" To.

But I don't know him know him.

Do you have any
drugs on you?

You better get them off
right now

because I'm not going
to jail for you.

Are you on the pipe?

♪ Every time you're doing good
trouble just pops up ♪

♪ He doesn't know what
he's gonna do ♪

♪ He doesn't know what
he's gonna do ♪

♪ This is messed up,
this really sucks ♪

♪ Keep your head up,
it's your best bet ♪

♪ Let's just hope
the election's not through... ♪

And I repeat,
if you see Mays Gilliam,

please do not call
the authorities.

Just do whatever you can
to make his life a living hell.

Sir, could you...?No more questions!

If I say Mays Gilliam,
I'’m gonna bust a cap in his ass.

Gilliam is done.

As Big Dave says,
"Waah, waah."

God... What am I
going to do?

What are you
worried about?

It's not like your face
is on the side of a bus.

I mean, I'm the one

who's going to take a hit
for this.

Why don't we just get me
on the news

so I can make a statement,
apologize?

I mean, that's what the people
want to hear.

You're probably right.

Mmm, make a statement
of some kind.

Try and sound
sincere.

Just give me a break!

Do you think you
can just say

you're sorry and all this
is going to go away?

Mays, you're running
for President

of the United States of America.

Do you have any idea why they
chose you?

We picked you because
you're the guy that had...

Shut up!

You're here to lose, Mays.

Arnot picked you
so you could lose.

Come on, Mays, just
think about it.

If they really had any idea
that they could win this thing,

do you think
they would've chosen

an ignorant-ass nigger
like you?

Okay, wait up.

I know you're not calling me
an ignorant nigger

and thinking that
you're staying on my bus.

I am not getting off this bus.

I mean,
we're in the middle of nowhere.

So now you need a ride
from an ignorant nigger?

I am not getting
off this bus.

Apologize.

No! Security!

So you knew about this
all along, huh?

Mays...

Is there trouble inside
the Gilliam campaign?

That's what Washington insiders
want to know

after Gilliam's chief advisor, Debra Lassiter,

left the campaign trail.

Down in the polls,

Gilliam still
has no running mate.

Sources say the Teamsters
may endorse Lewis.

Did Gilliam kill
JonBenet Ramsey?

The big question:

Where is Mays Gilliam?

Where is Mays Gilliam?

I'll tell you where he's at.
He's with his peeps!

Hello?

Hey, you up?

I was hoping you would call.
Where are you? You okay?

I don't know.
I mean, I guess I'm all right.

Okay, come on, talk to Mama.

I don'’t know. It seems like
they'’re trying to get me.

Everywhere I turn they'’re trying
to put a foot in my ass.

Well, after what you said,

you need a foot
put up in your ass.

I mean, what did you expect?

They were just going
to make you president?

It's like they
take a poll for everything I do.

You ever been to a horse race?

My dad, he used to take me
all the time when I was little.

You know, the horses,
they wear blinders.

They don't even see each other.

They just run their race.

So don't worry about Lewis.

Don't worry about the press.

Just... run your race.

Okay, let me ask you something.Okay.

What are you wearing?

Oh, now, you know
you need to stop.

Man, news travels fast.

Not ten minutes after
you fired me,

I had two offers for jobs.

Good offers.What are you doing here?

I know you got no reason
to trust me,

but I'm asking you to.

You've got
five weeks left.

I know Lassiter is out,
but I think...

I think I can
help you do this.

I want to help you.

And... I'm sorry, Mays.

I don't know what else to say.

But... as bad as things look,
I don't think you should quit.

Who said I was quitting?

I wish I could quit.

I wish it was that easy.

You're lucky.

You are so lucky.

You don't know
how good you got it.

You just represent yourself.

Me?

I represent my whole race.

If I quit,

there won't be another black
candidate for 50 years.

All right.

We can get rid of
the school thing

with a statement
that'll blow things over

but we need to pick
a running mate.

Well, who am I supposed to pick?

Nobody wants to run with me.

We need somebody we can trust.

What...?

Who do you trust?

In the midst of his own
Cinderella story,

presidential candidate
Mays Gilliam is shaking it up.

He's chosen his brother,
Mitch Gilliam,

a bail bondsman from Chicago,
as his running mate.

Political analysts say this may be too little, too late.

Hi, I'm with
the Pork Commission...

♪ Yeah, yeah...

I'm from the Athlete's Foot
Foundat...

♪ On the train,
on the train... ♪

What's up?

Hey, can you get my demo tape
to somebody?

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Are these
your bags, sir?

Look at my shoes
and look at the bags.

Shut up and follow me.

Mays.Mitch.

Back up, back up,
back up, back up.

♪ Yeah...

Mr. Gilliam,
what do you have to say

about your brother's
recent controversial comments?

My gosh, lady,

my brother said
he was sorry.

I mean, let it go.

See, that's why
nobody like your ass.

We got a lot of work to do, man.

We way behind
in the polls.

Am I getting paid for this? Oh, yeah.

Come on,
let's do this.

Mitch Gilliam, you're running
for the vice presidency

of the United States of America.
You're a bail bondsman.

You have
no Washington experience,

you have
no political experience,

you have
no political connections.

How does being
a bail bondsman

qualify you to be
the Vice President

of the United States
of America?

That's right, I am
a bail bondsman.

People come to me
when they in trouble,

like the United States.

We bail people out.
We bail out Mexico,

we bail out the
savings and loan,

we bail out the
airline industry.

Now you ask me, sir,

what qualify me to
run for Vice President.

When the country's
in trouble,

I'll bail 'em out.

Hold that thought.
We have a caller from Detroit.

Go ahead, caller.MAN: Hey, Mitch.

What you looking around for?
It'’s Reggie, mother.

Where my money at, man? Don'’t call with that bullshit.

You see I'’m on TV.

What about NATO?
How do you feel about NATO?

Should it be...?I never met Nato.

I don't know
nothing about it.

I don't talk about people
behind they back.

NATO is the North Atlantic
Treaty Organization.

Oh, but you, oh,
you didn't say that.

I thought you were
talking about...

I know this guy named Nato.
N-Nato Jacobs, you know.

But you have to know
these things.

If you're running
for public office...

Do you know
Nato Jacobs?

That's what I said.
Didn't I say that?

You don't know
nothing about Nato.

I don't know nothing
about NATO.

So, why are you
out here today

since inmates don't have
the right to vote?

Babe, it's not about the vote.

We're looking out
for the convicts.

See, we want to make sure, man,

when they get out,
that they stay out.

The better the education, they
become more productive citizens.

That's what my brother and I
are about.

Mitch! What's up, man?

Hey, Shorty G.Good to see you, boy!

Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.

This is Shorty G.
I arrested his ass.

I thought you'd gotten
the chair, boy.

Mr. Gilliam,

how would you deal
with white-collar crime?

First of all,
there's no such thing

as white-collar crime.

And there's definitely no such
thing as black-on-black crime.

Crime is crime.

Let me explain
something to you.

I don't care if you have

a white collar
or a tank top.

If you rob me, I'm
gonna whup you fast.

I'm Janet Silvers,

reporting live in Washington,
D.C., where transit operators...

I wish we'd get into
the White House, little brother.

Why, so you could
have a cookout?

Mays, they were just
talking about your ward.

Yeah, what's going
on down there?

Well, they want to cut
bus service

until they finish
this construction project.

I should go down there.

For what, so you can blow up
the bus line?

Well, one thing
at a time.

The Teamsters
haven't endorsed Lewis yet.

Our numbers
are creeping back up.

But if we want a real shot
at this thing,

we've got to get Lewis
to debate.

Well, he knows that,
that's why he won't debate me.

The guy's avoiding me
like he owes me child support.

The man is scared.
Man, he's holding the ball

hoping the clock will run out.

That's a punk move.

Ducking and hiding
like a little bitch.

Well, that may be,
but he's not going to debate you

because you call him
a little bitch.

And we feel that
what this community needs...

What the community
needs

is for you to debate me
right now.

You want to tell the people something,
tell them that.

♪ I thought I told you
that we won't stop ♪

♪ I thought
I told you that we won't stop. ♪

Well, now, my agenda...

I'll tell you
about our agenda.

Our agenda is to have a debate
right now.

You need to get rid of
this zero

and talk to the hero.

What, you got time to jog,

but you don't got time
to debate?

You can run, but
you can't hide.

♪ I thought I told you
that we won't stop ♪

What you looking for,
the news?

What'd you change
the channel for? He's scared!

He's scared, he's scared.Oh, God...

Here's a word from our sponsor.We want a debate.

♪ I thought I told you
that we won't stop ♪

♪ I thought
I told you that we won't stop ♪

♪ I thought I told you
that we won't stop... ♪

No!

Yo, Lewis.
Your mother'’s ass is so big,

when she sits down
she'’s three feet taller.

Yo, Lewis, your mother
got a really big ass!

Sir, I think it'’s time
we prepare for a debate.

Oh, give me one good reason
I should debate that jerk.

He talked about
your mother, sir.

So what?

Are you going
to just let him

talk about me like that?

After some inventive chiding

on the part
of Alderman Mays Gilliam,

Vice President Lewis
has finally agreed to one debate

the night before the election.

So, baby brother,
this is it, man.

You ready?

All right, I guess.

What do you mean, you guess?
You don't know?

You either ready
or you ain't.

Hey, man, what's
the problem, man?

I-I'm ready, okay.
I'm ready.

No, you ain't.

Look at you.

If you call this ready,
this ain't gonna get it.

You got to dress
for the job you want

not for the job you got.

Wait, man, I know you ain't
talking about my clothes.

Come on, now, come on.
This ain't about me.

If I got a good idea,

it shouldn't matter
what I'm wearing.

Uh-oh.

You know you
messed up, man.

Boy, I'm telling
you right now.

You know, this
ain't about me.

Okay?

Lewis ain't no punk.
He ain't no joke.

That man been
Vice President

for eight years, okay?

He's a war hero.

He's Sharon Stone cousin.

You better come correct.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's right.

Well, I got us this far!

See, this as far
as you gonna get.

Oh, oh, it's like that?

That's the way it is.

See, Geller and them up
there pumping your head up,

but Lewis gonna
slap it back down.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Go ahead.

Come on!

Oh, my God.

Little brother,
you all right?

That's what
you get.

You need anything,

'cause it look like you need
some help.

You gonna get yours!

I'm gonna tell Ma!

You better not tell.

Hello?

Debra?

Look, don't intrude
in my life anymore.

I don't want to have anything
to do with you,

not after the way
you treated me.

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

I'm sorry I threw you
off the bus.

It was wrong.
I just couldn't take

what you were saying
at the time.

Mays, what do you want?

I want to win.

Welcome to New York City

for the 2004
Presidential Debates.

Where is he? I don't know.

He said he was right behind me.

Think I should go look for him? People are getting nervous.

We've got to do something.I can do something.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Vice President Brian Lewis.

Hello, Mr. Vice President!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here they come, here they come.

Sweet.

Hello, Martin.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to change.

Mr. Earl, nice to see you.

Nice to see you,
too, sir.

Let's move.

Mays, there are 250 million
people out there

deciding who to vote for.

They all know Lewis
didn'’t want to debate.

Just show them why.Stay focussed.

Take your time.

If you get out of pocket,
you put your foot in his ass.

By the way,
my suit.

Faba?

FUBU.Even I knew that.

Mays.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Alderman Mays Gilliam.

Yo, when Martin
comin' on, man?

My mama told me
to whup your butt.

...the first question
is directed

by coin flip
to the Vice President.

Vice President Lewis,

what steps should be taken

to limit our youth's access
to violent materials?

Our American children's futures
are at stake here.

Now I say we need to study
this issue

and appropriate legislation
that will return us

to an America
that we can be proud of.

God bless America
and no place else.

Alderman Gilliam...
same question, please.

How do we limit
violent material?

Turn it off.

And if the kids cut it back on,
knock 'em out.

That's why I don't smoke.

When I was a kid,
my daddy caught me smoking

and he knocked me out.

And to this day, I don't smoke.

Not because I'm scared
of cancer.

I don't smoke
'cause I think my dad's

gonna walk through that door
and knock me the hell out.

Knock out your kids.
It helps.

Yes!

Vice President Lewis,

with over 10,000 gun deaths
per year in the United States,

do you believe we need
stricter gun control laws?

I don't think we need
more gun control.

I say we enforce the laws
that are already on the books.

See, the problem is,
nobody reads the books.

What we need to do
is start putting laws on videos.

'Cause everybody watches videos.
MTV, BET.

We need to put some laws
on the Nelly video.

If you had some laws

on a Destiny's Child video
right now, you could stop crime.

We already have gun licensing.

But that's only
to carry the gun.

I say we let the people decide.

The people can't decide.

The people are too busy
getting shot in the ass.

That's my brother.

Well, that's another reason
that I say he's not qualified.

Why, 'cause I had the good sense

to pick my big brother
to be my running mate?

All right, Alderman, I didn't
come here to argue with you.

Oh, yes, you did.
We're having a debate.

A debate ain't nothing
but an argument.

A debate isn't the same thing
as an argument.

Oh, yes, it is! No, it isn't!

Oh, yes, it is! No, it isn't!

I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I?

I know you are,
but what am I?

I know you are,
but what am I?

I know you are, but what am I?

I know you are,
but what am I?

Can we just move on?
This is ridiculous.

Gentlemen,

our next question comes from...

I have a question.

Would you like our reception

to be buffet style
or formal seating?

Now, keep in mind,
if you put Robert next to Nelson,

he's going to be very angry
because he wanted

I love you so much...

The candidates have agreed
upon a short closing speech.

Vice President Lewis

won the coin toss.

He has elected to go first.

Thank you.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

Tonight, you have seen
two different men

with two very different points
of view battle to win your vote.

And this is what America
is all about.

Now, as we've seen tonight,
Alderman Gilliam

can be captivating
and... and entertaining.

But America needs
more than that

from its
commander in chief.

To lead America,
it takes experience.

Now, I've been Vice President
for the last eight years.

I'm a war hero...
and I'm Sharon Stone's cousin.

And to me,

America is like
a fine performance car.

And now is not the time...

to turn this fine vehicle
we call America

over to the hands of an amateur.

I'm Brian Lewis...
and I am your last chance.

God bless America,
and no place else.

Ah, yeah, it's over now.

Why do you have
to be so negative?

Give me five.
Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello.

Alderman Gilliam?

Well, you're right,
Vice President Lewis.

I am an amateur.

When it comes to creating
so many enemies that we need

billions of dollars to protect
ourselves, yes, I'm an amateur.

When it comes to paying
farmers not to grow food

while people in this country
starve every day,

yes, I'm an amateur.

When it comes to creating
a drug policy that makes

crack and heroin cheaper
than asthma and AIDS medicine,

yes, I'm an amateur.

But there's nothing wrong
with being an amateur.

The people that started
the Underground Railroad

were amateurs.

Martin Luther King
was an amateur.

Have you ever been to Amateur
Night at the Apollo?

Some of the best talent
in the world was there.

James Brown, Luther Vandross,

Rockwell,
the Crown Heights Affair...

Hall and Oates!

...the Fat Boys,
Rob Base.

But you wouldn't know
nothing about that. Why?

'Cause when it comes to judging
talent and potential,

you, my friend, are an amateur.

I believe the Alderman
is over his time.

No, you don't.
You had eight years to talk.

Now is my turn.

I'm gonna get mine.
I'm getting mine!

Ladies and gentlemen,

hold your applause, please.

How can you help the poor
if you never been poor?

How can you stop crime if you
don't know no criminals?

How can you make
drug policy

if you never smoked
a chronic?

How can you do that?

Just a nickel bag.

I'’m a real American.

I've been high, I'’ve been
robbed, I've been broke.

My credit is horrible.

They won't even
take my cash!

Now, you're always
talking about

"God bless America,
and no place else,"

but isn't it obvious that
God has blessed America?

America is the richest,
most powerful nation on Earth.

If America was a woman,

America would be
a big-titted woman.

And everybody loves
a big-titted woman.

So in closing,
I'’d like to say

you are full of shit.

"God bless America
and no place else."

How about "God bless Haiti"?

How about
"God bless Africa"?

How about "God bless Jamaica"?

I'm not talking
about Jamaica,

the beach tribes
y'all love,

I'm talking
about stabbing in Jamaica.

That's what I'm talking about.

So tonight, I want to say

God bless America,

and everybody else!

The whole world!

God bless you!

I'm Mays Gilliam,
and I'm running

for President
of the United States of America.

Ya heard?

Oh, yes! I told you!
I told you!

Yes!
Oh, my God!

Now we can watch Martin!

Hello?

Well, good morning,
Mr. President.

Hey!
Wh-What time is it?

I think
it's a little after 7:00.

Lisa, I need some help
in here.

Will you wait a damn minute?

Mays, I was so proud of you.

You were so good last night.

Okay, L-Lisa, tonight
I want to see you, okay?

No-No matter what, win or lose,
I want to see you.

I don't know.
I might have to work.

But, look, if I don't see you
tonight, I will see you soon.

Just... run your race,
get out there,

and do what you got to do, okay?

And I'll talk to you later.

Bye-bye.All right.

It's Election Day, Tuesday...

It is Election Day,
and this is set to be...

The stage is set
for what is sure to be

one of the most dramatic
campaign finales of all time...

The question everyone's asking is "Who will America vote for?"

Lewis!

I voted for Mays Gilliam.

I voted for big business.I voted for Lewis.

Who the fuck you think
I'’m voting for?

There appears to be an agreement

between Washington, D.C.,
officials

and transit authority operators

regarding the shutdown
of the Ninth Ward bus line.

I don't see how they
could do this to us.

People got to make money.

People got to get to work.

Come on, show 'em
how you do it.

Show 'em how you do it.

♪ Hey, the roof, the roof,
the roof is on fire. ♪

You're not going
to believe this.

We got the Teamsters!

That's great,
little brother.

They're going
to announce

at a press conference
later today.

All you have to do is show up,

shake some hands, take some
photographs, but it is yours.

Mays, what's
the matter?

If they shut down
this bus service,

I will drive you to work myself.

Can't do it.

But it's Election Day!

You have to pick up
this endorsement.

You said you want to win.

You can't snub the Teamsters.

Do you want 'em
to endorse Lewis?

I'm not worried about Lewis.
I'm running my race.

Go ahead, baby brother.
I got this.

Now, Mays...
Now-- Debra!

What? Y-Y-You-You
just gonna let him go?

He's a grown man.

They shut down
the whole bus line.

What can he do about that?

♪ Oh, it's gettin' hot in here

♪ So hot

♪ So take off all your clothes

♪ I am gettin' so hot ♪ Oh

♪ I want to take
my clothes off... ♪

In the latest exit poll,

Vice President Lewis
has 51 % of the vote.

I'll bring him right
back. He gotta vote.

...while Mays Gilliam
is posting an impressive 47 %.

Hey, hey, hey.

You gotta get
to the back of the bus.

I'm just playing.
Come on!

He and Vice President Lewis

are in a statistical dead heat.

Come on! Vote, hoes!

While Vice President Lewis and Mitch Gilliam have been working

the campaign trail,
Mays Gilliam

has been out
driving people to work.

♪ The roof,
the roof is on fire! ♪

Why didn't somebody
around here think of this?

Why am I not out there driving
a damn bus or something?

Get me an SUV, or a minivan,
or a bus, or a scooter,

or a motorcycle, or a rickshaw.

Get me some wheels, bitch!

Are you going uptown?

Come on, Mays!
Wait a minute, Mays!

Mays, I was thinking,

we could write our own vows!

Mays! I love you!

I love you, Mays!

With the polls

just about 30 minutes from
closing here on the East Coast,

Mays Gilliam is actually ahead
by several points.

There is no question
that Lewis has Texas.

It seems clear Gilliam
is going to take New York.

Yeah! Yeah! New York!

It's likely Lewis is going
to take Michigan.

It looks like Gilliam might just
pull an upset in Illinois.

Illinois! Illinois!
Yeah! Go, Mays!

This looks like it may
come down to California.

This looks like it may come down
to California.

This looks like it may
come down to California.

All right, I need to know.
How real is this?

Can we win without California?

Well, sir, I still think
we stand a good chance

if you call in your connections
to the energy companies.

No, you can't win
without California.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Oh, shut up.

You want to win, you'll
do what I tell you.

Gilliam has over 90
percent minority turnout.

The whites are
still the majority,

but they're not voting.

They don't like you.

I like you, sir.Shut up.

Okay.

Well, what can we do
to turn this around?

There's about one-
and-a-half hours left

at the West Coast polls.

If there's a leak saying
Gilliam is going to win,

you'll get a late rush.

You get California,
you get the election.

It'll make the 6:30 news
if we do it now.

We just have
to put it out there.

Can we do this?

We're the government.
We can do anything.

The race for President
now turns to the West Coast.

People, Armageddon is upon us,

and Big Dave is scared!

If the current
voting trends sustain,

it appears likely that for the first time in our history,

a black man will become

President of the United States of America.

♪ One, two...
one, two, three, yeah! ♪

I have a dream

that, one day...

this nation will rise up

and live up to the meaning
of its dream.

We hold these truths
to be self-evident,

that all men are created equal.

Checkmate.

I, Richard Nixon,
do solemnly swear...

I, Ronald Reagan,
do solemnly swear...

The race for President is over.

The race for President
is over.

The election is now over.

The race for President...... is over.

Mays Gilliam--ANCHORWOMAN: Brian Lewis--

Mays Gilliam--Brian Lewis--

The race for President is over.

For the first time in history,
a black man, Mays Gilliam...

...will be the next President
of the United States of America.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh! Oh...

...of the United States
of America.

Come here, brother.
Come here.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, man.

Appreciate it. Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

We won! We won! We won!

Aren't you happy?

Can I have a massage?

Yes!

I won! I won! I won!

Debra, there is
no way in the world

I could have ever
done this without you.

You'’re damn right.

We won! We did it! Yes!

We did it! We won!
Yes, yes, yes!

Look at my little brother!

Boy, I'm proud of you! Man!

Mr. President! Mr. Vice President.

You're the man! No, you the man!

You ain't gotta worry 'bout
no assassination or nothing.

Why?

'Cause they sure don't want me
to be the next President.

Little brother,
you can raise taxes,

you can start a war....

Mays Gilliam...

That's my man! That's my man!

Whoo!

Excuse me, please.

Mays!

Hey! Man, I been
looking for you.

I was looking for you.

Mays, this is amazing.

It's amazing.
It's incredible.

Incredible!

What you were up against...

The odds!

Ooh, I can't wait
to start working,

and, boy, do I have
a job for you.

Wow! I don't know
what to say.

What department do you want me
to work in? Finance?

No, no, no, no, that's not
good enough for you.

Foreign Affairs?

No, not Foreign Affairs.

I thought you
could do something

real good in... Security!

You suck!

We'd like you
to run for President.

Sometimes, you don't know
if people like you for you.

Well, I like you for you.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.
Lisa!

Mays!

Get your hand off my ass, boy!

Wait!

Mays...

Oh, my God,
you are everywhere.

Look at you!

Okay, so, what's
the first thing

you're going to do,
Mr. President?

Well, the first thing I'm going
to do is make you my First Lady.

Mays, don't you play with me
like that.

I'm not playing.

You can't do that!

I'm the government.

I can do anything.

♪

Get ready for the 2005
Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the President

of the United States of America,
Mays Gilliam,

and his future First Wifey,
Lisa Clark!

♪

♪ Look at him now, man,
ain't this great? ♪

♪ Biggest man in town,
he's the head of state ♪

♪ They come from all around
just for one handshake ♪

♪ Look at him now,
he's the head of state... ♪

That's me, Mays Gilliam,

President of the United States of America.

North America.

Who'd you vote for? For what?

For President.
Of what?

Of the United States.
Of what?

Of America.
What America?

North America.

Yo, slick,
I don't vote, man.

You gonna buy
some of this meat, or what?

You can't trust nobody.

Everybody's trying to rob you.
Nobody!

That guy, right there!
Don't trust him!

Can't trust no-damn-body!

America's taking advantage
of you, you and you!

You can go to war
when you're 18,

but you can't have a drink
until you're 21!

That ain't right!

You're right,
that ain't right!

So let me
get this straight.

You're 18 years old.

You go to war.
You come back.

Your leg is chopped off.

You got a nub!

Everywhere you go, they say,
"Hey, what's up, nubby?"

And you get to the bar,
and you say,

"Bartender, can I have a drink?"

And he looks you up and down,

and he says,
"I gotta see some I.D."

I.D.?!

You mean to tell me

a one-legged teenager
can't have a drink?

That ain't right!

Where is the nub?
Where is the nub?

Prescription drugs,
I'’m going to lower prices.

Let me explain
something else to you.

You can survive
a stroke.

But the high prices of medicine
will give you a heart attack.

America is the richest,
most powerful nation on Earth.

If America was a car,
America would be a Bentley,

sitting on chrome doves,
with TVs in the headrests,

and a fine, naked Puerto Rican
girl feeding you grapes!

Ain't nothing
better than that!

Ain't nothing ever been
better than that!

Most political pundits are
saying that your brother

destroyed any chance he had
of winning this election

by naming you as his running
mate. Why did he do that?

Why'd your brother pick you
to be the anchorman?

I don't have a brother.

Oh, you said it was
your brother at the time.

I did my homework the
same way you did yours.

Okay? You got your job
the same way I got mine.

I'm not running
for public office.

And I'm not running
for anchorman.

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