Hank and Mike (2008) - full transcript

Thomas Michael, Paolo Mancini, Chris Klein and Joe Mantegna star in director Matthiew Klinck's holiday-themed comedy concerning two downsized Easter bunnies whose friendship starts to suffer when the multi-national corporation that owns all holidays decides to make some serious cutbacks. Hank and Mike are the Felix Unger and Oscar Madison of holiday mascots: They may seem like a mismatched pair yet their differences are precisely what's kept them together all these years. While Hank is a hard drinking ladies man, Mike can't seem to look past his own insecurities long enough to realize how truly miserable he is. Once a year, Hank and Mike dutifully venture out to deliver Easter baskets to families everywhere. This year, however, Easter Enterprises has taken a hit, and all "Tier 2" holidays (Christmas and Hanukkah being prime examples of "Tier 1") are fair game for downsizing. Since Hank and Mike work only once a year, their jobs are the first to go. Subsequently relegated to the unemployment office and unable to break free of their furry-tailed past, these two longtime pals are about to discover just how valuable their friendship can be in times of need.

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

- Oh.
- Oh yeah. Honey.


- Oh. And that...
- Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Come on baby.
Come on. Come on.

Oh Sheryl

- Oh yeah. Oh
- Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh yeah.
Oh yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

- Come on baby.
- Oh yeah.

- Oh. Oh.
- Yeah. Yeah.


- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Fucking kids and
their fucking chocolate.

What about What's-Her-Name at the office?
The strawberry blonde.

- Who?
- Who? You know who.

She does not like me.

Hey, my picklock.

Oh... magic!

I'm telling you,
she likes you, man.

Listen. She's always on your case.
You know what it means, don't you?

No. She's never on my case.
She's always on your case, my friend.

On the cactus...
Mike, on the cactus.


She does not like me.
Stop saying that.

- I'm too fat.
- You're not fat.

You're just a little fat.

You're counteracting what you're doing.
You're working out, eating's carrots,

doing the proteine shake and then
you shovel ice cream in there.

I see you do it.
It's disgusting.

- Stress.
- Have some respect for yourself.

- That's enough.
- It's never enough.

Now it's enough.


What is it?

Where are my Easter eggs?

Dumb furs.

- What's so funny, huh?
- Nothing.

Where'd you hide them?

If I'd my way, those kids
would never find those eggs.

- What?
- I'd hide them eggs in the ocean.

Compost bin?
Septic tank? What?

Kitty litter?

Oh, it's the oven!

It's half past.

No one will ever love me.

I just feel like
there is no hope.

I'll never be skinny.

I just want to die.

Does this sound familiar?

Do you like thousands of others believe,
that life holds no hope for you?

If you're considering suicide anyway,
don't make it a waste.

With our specialized corporate branding,
your family stands to make big money.

Here is how it works: You select
the public location from a supplied list,

then simply execute your
contractual obligation.

Once you fulfilled your
end of the agreement,

we'll make sure that you reach
all the major outlets,

giving you the attention you deserve.

Giving our corporate sponsors
the visibility they deserve.

Give the gift that keeps on giving:

Do the right thing.

PMJ Marketing is a subsidiary of MDK, a part
of VIOK international, a division of...

- I was there.
- I know.

OK. Let's just get
this over with.

So I don't have to see any
of you for another month.

I know you've all seen
the numbers from last year.

They're predicting this year
will be even worse.

It seems our dismal
fiscal performances

finally caught the attention of
the big boys at the head office.


They sent a Bogeyman to scare us
out of the red and into the black.

Most of you will recognize Conrad Hubriss

as the genius behind
Sponsored Suicide.

Mr. Hubriss...
Whip out your dog and pony.

Thank you, Mr. Pan.

Easter bunnies...

are on the payroll year-round.

They do not however,
work 365 days a year.

Now I understand that most holidays
happen only once a year,

but their profits justify
their expenditures.

Not so with Easter.

Therefore my recommendation
is to reduce

said delivery staff by 11.341 percent.

You can't fire Easter bunnies.

They're Easter bunnies.

As it stands Easter is currently
a second tier holiday.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving,
Valentine's Day, 4th of July.

Those are your tier 1 holidays.

High profits, international profile.
Strong, strong merchandising.

And there's Halloween, Kwanzaa,
Easter and Canada Day.

Or your second tier holidays.

Less profits. Less visibility.
Less perceived importance.

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen
is a holiday that does well.

Not great.
But well.

And manages to chug along,
year after year, just getting by.

My job is to stop that sinking ship
ladies and gentleman.

And start making our
shareholders some money.

- How'd it go boys?
- Oh, same shit, different year.

- How's things on your end, Phil?
- A fucking nightmare.

A gear got jammed on the egg-painter.
Now I've got to wait for a new part.

They tell me it's gonna take an hour.
I'll believe it when I see it.

Goddamn it, Nicholas!
How many times I gotta tell you.

You've got to move the basket
or that scissel won't shut up.

(Speaking Chinese)

I got over 6.5 mil eggs that I got to
get over eight timezones by four.

- That's a fucking nightmare, I tell you.
- That's bullshit, man.

You know these goddamn machines?
They give me a hernia.

Remember the good ol' days when
we used to paint all these by hand?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

It took a long time, but goddamn it -
We got it done!


You get some sleep, Phil!

- He's gonna have a heart attack.
- Guaranteed.

- Hey, one more for the good guys.
- Yeah. Yeah.

What the hell?

This is just like that dream I have.

- Only I'm not on fire.
- Hey Mike.

Hey Lena.

- What's the good word?
- Restraining order.

- That's two words.
- Lena, what's going on here?

Actually, that's what I need to talk to you
both. You missed a house on your route.

Hey, you know who you're talking to?
We never miss a house.


That can't be right.
As he said, we never miss a house.

You sure, you got the Sulsky house?
Because the computer shows...

Oh, fucking computer!
It's probably got worms.

The Sulsky house was the last house
on our route. We got that one.


I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll... write out the report personally
and I'll e-mail it to you right away.


You know what, actually my
office inbox gets really packed.

So, I'll just give you
my personal address.

That would be great.

Oh. Great.
Putting it in my basket.

- So, I'll see you at the party tonight?
- Oh yeah. We will be there.


Dude, that was great.
You seen that look she gave you?

When you put her on the place.
"My inbox gets packed."

She loves it. She's a dirty, dirty girl.
You ask her out. Alright?

Dry spell over, Mikey. Ask her out.
I'll see you in the locker room.

What look?
What look?!

I got a look.

That was definitely a look.

Hey Lena.

Oh, okay Umm...

I know, you can't love someone,
'till you learn to love yourself first.

But I just wanna let you know,
that I am...

Im working on that.
It's going good.

Anyways, I was wondering,
maybe if, sometime...

When, you know,
when you have some free time.

You know, no pressure.

You'd like to get together,
outside of the workplace environment.

Oh yeah.

- Hey Mikey.
- Hi.

Roulette tables are not perfect, right?
You've got like a number one

and number four is gonna hit
every single time.

OK. One more.
One more.

Okay. Take it.
Take it. Take it.


- How's the knee, Chunky?
- It's fine.

I heard about that stunt
you pulled today.

What you guys are retarted?
And I can say "retarted."

Cause I got a retarted brother.
So I can say "retarted."

- That was a computer glitch.
- Come on.

You guys are an embarrassement.
You embarrass the company.

You embarrass Liam
and you embarrass me.

You know Mike, steroids have
a wide array of devastating side effects.

You know that?

Jaundice, fluid retention,
severe back acne or bacne.

Infertility, liver tumors, baldness.

- Testicular shrinkage.
- Really?

Testicular shrinkage,
I didn't know that one.

Testicular shrinkage.

Well... I don't have back...
back... Bacne.


You embarrass Liam.

We embarrass Liam.

Oh man.

What's this?

Big guy wants to see us.

You didn't talk to her, did you?

I did my best.

Yeah. I know.
I know you did.


Come on.
Make it right.


So hey Brenda.
Was meaning to call...

You are such an asshole.

You like telling everybody at the company
softball game that I was easy, huh?

You like spreading rumours?
Yeah? OK.

How about I spread a Rumour?

About how little Hanky-poo,
begged a certain executive assistant

to wear a strap-on
and fuck him in the ass.


Good morning, Mr. Pan's office.
Brenda speaking.


She tore you in asshole, huh?


Shut up.
Hey, fuck you, Luiz!

- Culo!
- Next.

Sit down.
Fuck you.


Close the door.
You're creating a draft.

There you go.

You asked to see us, sir?

I love nudes.

Do you know why I love nudes?

'Cause there ain't no boobs
on a bowl of fruit.

It's misogyny like that, which keeps
women from Fully blooming in this world.

That's why you was excommunicated
from the Mormon Church, sir.

Thank you, darling.

- Sit down, boys.
- Excuse me.

I've been looking over your files.

Top Bunny 17 years in a row.


Volunteer work.



You found it!


Tore up your knee in Bosnia.

And most notably: Recipient of the
golden egg for outstanding performance.

Impressive, Mike.
Very impressive.

Hank, your file is
a little more... colorful.

- What the fuck is that?
- Hmmm?

How many times, have
you been on probation?

- Once?
- Twenty four.

Is it twenty four?

Feels like less.

Stealing office supplies.

Fighting with fellow employees.

You've got it in
backwards in the feeder.

You've got to twist it
around a little bit...

Sexual harassment.



What happened?


With what?

You know what.

This morning,
six year old Lucy Sulsky,

Was shocked and heart-broken
not to find any Easter eggs.

Did I do something to make
the Easter bunny mad?

Is there anything you'd like
to say to the Easter bunny?

Where's my fucking chocolate?

There has been a national outcry for
the misery, that befell little Lucy Sulsky.

Early child trauma has
severe damaging effects, and...

over the next five hours...

No Child Left Behind.

You remember?

Anyone near retirement, new on the job,
or facing disciplinary problems:

Will be downsized.

- What?
- Wait a second.

You can't fire an Easter bunny.
I mean... We are Easter bunnies.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

That's fucking bullshit.

- No. No. No. It's...
- You can't fire me.

You think you can fire me after
all the eggs we hid for this company...?

- Little Lucy Sulsky, she made a mistake.
- Call my union rep!

- Then we'll see, then we'll see!
- We can call the parents and explain...

No, we can explain...
Tell... Tell him.



I didn't do it.


I didn't hide the eggs.

Look, sir.

Mike had nothing to do with this.
Alright? It's all me.

He didn't know anything...
Look at his face.

He doesn't know anything.
Look at him. Look at him.

He's the best goddamn bunny
you ever had. You said so yourself.

If you're gonna fire somebody...
Fire me.

She was on your route.

You two are a team.

You think this is easy for me?


You're fired.

Yeah it's true
I might smoke too much

I might drink too much

I might talk too much

I might sleep not enough

But I always get to
where I need to get to

yeah-ah yeah

Yeah it's true
I might love too much

I might trust too much

I might die a little every day

But we'll all leave someday

Will I lose here I plan to
Fly in someday

I'll never stand down
Never put down your guitar

Never look fake

I swear it was like fading
away to the black

But I stand

Yeah, yeah, I stand

I'll never stand down
Never put down your guitar

Never look fake

I swear it was like fading
away to the black

But I stand

Yeah, yeah, I stand

And when everything
around me breaks down

I can still take you
out to play yeah, yeah

Yeah, its true

I'll never write enough
I'll never jam enough

I'll never sing enough

I'll never play enough, enough

That's just how I get by

And that's just how I get by

Yeah-ah-ah, yeah

Hey neighbour.

- Hey Leon.
- You guys wanna buy a waffle maker?

We already got a wafflemaker.

Yeah, but this one makes up to
four slices at the same time.

We got a waffle maker!

Mike, please.

I'll eat out your asshole
for fifty bucks.



Please. Mike.
For child support.

We're neighbours.

Weren't you a lawyer?

Oh, man.

Nine from their own 35

just over nine minutes to go
in the quarter

And they need to score on this drive.

Looking for the blitz
that he knows is coming.

I need...

to get out...

of this house.

Brought down at the fifties


- Tons of people in there.
- Mike...

No, no, I changed my mind.
I don't wanna go.

Mike. It's gonna be fine.
Alright? These are our friends.

- It's awkward.
- It's not gonna be awkward.

It's gonna be awkward,
if you make it awkward. Alright?

I'm tired of your moody shit.
Let's go. Have some fun.

How's everybody doing?
Hey baby, how you doing?

Come find me after the party alright?
Hey everybody!

We're pink, we stink
and we're here to drink!

How you doing?
Hey Frankie, what's going on, man?

Good man.

You know it.
Don't drink too much.


- Hey Danny. What's shaking?
- Fucking back, what can I say?

By the way, your new shower curtain?
Bit gay.

- No. No, it's not.
- It's a bit gay.

No. It's really nice. The lilacs
and the hummingbirds... It's good.

- That's not gay at all.
- Listen, first of all...

How the fuck you guys know
that I got a new shower curtain.

- Ummm...
- Hello.

You're on our route, Danny.

Gives me the creeps!

Anyways, what's going on?
What's new?

We got fired, Danny.

- Fired?
- You believe it?

You're fucking Easter bunnies.
Can't fire Easter bunnies.

Well... Write a letter.

What can I get you guys?
C'mon. On the house.

- The usual.
- What? Steak and a face dance?

- Alright.
- No, no. The other usual.

Two bourbons and
two beerchasers.

How about you Mikey?

- Cranberry soda.
- Yeah, alright. Coming up. Right away.

I am getting drunk.

I am getting dirty drunk.

- Surprise...
- Ladies...

- Thank you.
- No problem.

It's very good.

Ladies, I'd like to introduce you
to my friend Mike.

Mike, this is... Athena?

And her lovely friend...

- Estress.
- Estress. I know baby.

Are you really an astronaut?

- Look. We got to hide the eggs.
- Right.

And not good enough,
because the kids,

who couldn't care less, by the way,
got to find the eggs.

- That's doing the job half way.
- That's your opinion.

You know. I mean does the Tooth Fairy
give twelve and a half cents?

- Hmmm?
- No.

Does a fireman put out half the fire and
you know, the rest of the family burns?

- No.
- It's bullshit.

We're fucking jokes, Mike.

Fucking jokes.

You know Easter just used us...
and spit us out.

Easter was our pimp.

We were Easter bitches.

Hey. Hey.
Who am I?

Who am I?

Pretty lady!

We are going for now
to cut the company cake.

I'm just messing...
We were drinking with these Russian dudes.

"Na zdorovye!"

Come on, seriously.
They want us back there.

Let's go.

I said... the company cake.

It's double fudge delight.

Fuck you!

I've never done it
with an Easter bunny before.

Oh yeah? Well, this'll be
the best 8.5 seconds of your life.

Oh God.

Major Hank.

Ten, nine, eight...

Seven, six, five,

four, three, two...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Good morning.

Got any jerky?



- I was just on my way out.
- Oh.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

Good luck in space!

What's that Watermelon Man?

Oh, that's absurd.

You're my BFF...

Best Friend Forever.

First of, kudos on reducing the delivery
work force as per our discussion.

Now that that's dealt with,
I've got another great idea.

As it stands the company's biggest
expenditure is chocolate.

You're wasting your time.

That's what they said about
my little Sponsored Suicide idea.

We all saw how that
turned out, didn't we?

Yes. We did.

Now, it's been nice chatting with you,
but I have somewhere more important to be.

And a lot of these bunnies, they're just
coasting by and not doing their jobs,

and they were acting all retarted.

No. It's ok.
I got a retarted brother.


You play with fire - You get cut.

Where have you been?


What'd you do all day?

Nothing. I went to the store and
got some stuff. Paper towels, pudding.

I tell you everything I do now?

You got pudding?

- I went to the office.
- Oh, motherfucker!

What? You get down on your bum knee
and beg for your job back?

I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."

Here, I'll give you sorry.

Here's sorry. Come on, fatass.
Come on. Fool.

- You're crazy.
- Come on!

- You...
- Want crazy, huh?

Come on.


- Don't...
- Get off.


How come we never hug?


How come we never hug?

Hi. I'll have an extra grande moccha latte
with raspberry and banana shots.

Skim milk, no foam and four of these
almond & white pepper biscottis, please.

And for you sir?

- Coffee.
- Tall, grande or robust?

I will fight you.

Well. I could donate
my body to science.

Let them test shampoos
and makeups on me.

That'd be loads of fun.

Hey. I can get that
race track job, you know?

Let them shove a stick up my ass and
have dogs chase me round and round.

Listen, there's still hope. We've just
gotta tighten our belts a little.

Cut down on the non-essentials, ok?

- Go.
- No more eating out.

- You'll have to cut down on cigarettes.
- Nope.

- No more Pilates classes for me.
- You did Pilates?

We'd have to cut the
cable and internet.

Dude, we don't pay for that.
I stole Leon's dish.

No more deep tissue massages.
No, no. Wait. No, no.

- Those are partially coverd.
- Were partially covered...

- You'll have to drink domestic beer.
- Nope.

- I'll have to eat domestic ice cream.
- There you go.


Non-organic carrots.

So listen, Mike.

I didn't wanna bring it up earlier,

Your golden egg, man.


Dude, it's worth a ton, we could get
like six months rent for that.



We tighten our belts.

We're gonna be fine.
For quite some time.

Here we go.

- Yeah. That's a good one.
- Yeah.

Good one.

They're all good.
All these will get you high.

And what's that?
What's that there?

- Yeah. That makes grilled cheese.
- Grilled cheese. Take five for it?

- Makes waffles, too.
- Anything.

- Five?
- Five bucks.


- Thanks guys.
- Thanks Ralphie.




You really think they got
something for us?

Yeah. Mike, come on.
Stay positive. Alright?

Look, we're... We are smart,
We're good-looking...

We'll find a new job.
No problem.

I don't know. Who's gonna...
Who's gonna hire an ex-Easter bunny

with a bum knee, and
no computer skills, Hank?

- You need computer skills.
- Next.

- I've got a complaint.
- What's your complaint?

I hate my life.

Yeah, well...
Get in line.

I am in line.

Number 722.
Number 722.

That's me.
Wish me luck.

Wait. Wait.
Hold up.

I thought, we talked about this...
We were gonna go in together...

Yeah, but look. That's not how it works.
You'll be fine.

- Name?
- Hank.

Former occupation?

I defused landmines.


I'm good.


I would...
Love a Chew-Chew.

- Fat.
- Hank!

What was the reason
for your termination?

We got fucked in the ass.


Your files say:

It's a synonymn.

Lady, our asses are broke. OK?
So, we just really need a job.

But it's... It's got to be together.

- We work better as a team.
- Like Tonto and Lone Ranger.

Do you have any special skills?

I make marshmallows really well.
On the fire. Campfire.

It's not a skill, though.
I'm a semi-professional break dancer.

I've got my own cardboard.

- So, that's lots of skills.
- Yeah.

- You've got plenty to put in your files.
- And delivery.

Well now you...
That is so much more than just delivery.

We provide wonder and magic...
to children.

But we deliver it.
So, it's still delivery.

We deliver wonder.

And the way we do that is umm...
We're a conduit for joy.

Computer skills?

I can do some Excel spreadsheet.

- There's got to be something...
- No. But not just anything. Alright?

Look: No buying, no selling,
no math, no heavy lifting.

No skinning rabbits, no shit,
no talking to people.

- No...
- No, no, no.

And no shit.

I... had a powerful jet of excrements
scratch my cornea.



We got a special visitor today.

It's Easter bunny!



Some reason, this guy has
made it personal. Like it's my fault,

that his sister likes to sleep in the nude
and I have a Polaroid camera.

Hey, it's not like there was a
trespassing sign. But the next year,

- the dip shit lays out a bear trap, OK?
- Oopsie! No, no, we don't...

No, this is a good one.
This is a good one.

A bear trap.
You believe the balls on this guy, huh?

Who knows what a bear trap is?

It's these big giant metal teeth.

They lay them down on the ground
and cover 'em with leafs.

And it's just waiting there for you.
You know what I mean?

You're walking, doing your job,
trying to making an honest living.

And these things are just there.
You step over them and CRUSH!

Take off your leg.

- Did you get away?
- Shit yeah.

Listen. I've got full medical,
but there is no way...

That I'm letting some sister fucking
good ol' boy make an amputee out of me.

No fucking way.

So I went over to his
house the next year.

- And I took a giant bamboo...
- Yay. Lunchtime everybody!

- So let's thank Hank.
- That's a true story, by the way.

- Yeah.
- Know what I mean? Hey!

No. No. No.

Someone farted.

Come on.
OK, kids.

You're gonna love today's lunch.

We got chocolate burgers,
chocolate dogs,

chocolate tacos with
chocolate sauce.

Fajita con chocolate.
And for dessert...


Chocolate pasta?

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey, lunchlady.

Hey, this job ain't so bad.
I was talking to these kids in class.

And now...
What the...?

Oh, it's on, motherfuckers.

This time it's chocolate.
Should've seen the other guy.

You ever see "Apocalypse Now?"

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah?


You ever see
"The making of Apocalypse Now?"

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?



So, we understand each other.

Every Easter you give away
billions of chocolate eggs.

Your company doesn't benefit
from this at all.

In fact all you're doing is getting
kids hooked on chocolate.

Who then pay somebody else good money
to acquire more said chocolate.

You can't justify this expense.

I have come up with a sure-fire way

to not only cut costs,
but also turn a phenominal profit.

These fourteen times less expensive
than traditional chocolate eggs

have an infinite shelf life
and are lighter.

And here is the best part:

We advertise on the surface
of the egg.

Think about it. We deliver to
every household in the world.

Companies will be lining up,
stepping over each other

to pay through the tooth for us to
advertise their product on our eggs.

- Hubriss...
- In the first year alone, your profits...

- Hubriss...
- Yes?

I can't go with you looking.

In the first year alone,
your profits will raise 3.421 percent.

It's all in my report
that I'll be delivering

to the Board of Trustees,
at next month's meeting.

This company has been
around a long time.



A child smiling from ear to ear.

These were once the
life-blood of this company.

Now when I see what
I've allowed to happen.

It disgusts me.
You disgust me.

Do you even know
what magic is, Conrad?

This company will do exactly
as my report suggests.


Last time I checked, Sparky,
I still ran this company.

Not when the board votes with me.

It won't pass, dude.
That's... That's...

- That's just too much.
- Stop being fat. I'll stop smoking.

- And there's the cherry.
- Yeah.

That's just great.

That's great.

Now, we're gonna be homeless.

We're gonna travel the country
in boxcars

and get into just...
splendid adventures.

It's my dream come true.

Now we... we got to get
a lovable mutt named Scruffy

And, and... We got to learn
to play the harmonica.

And eat lots
and lots of baked beans!


Good night.

Shut up.
Shut up.

You motherfucking, cock sucking,
backstabbing asshole!

- Mike, listen.
- I want my egg back.

I don't care what you did with it
or what you have to do to get it back.

I want my egg back.

- Mike, Mike.
- Please, get my egg back.

What for, man? It's just a reminder of
how they fucked you.

No they didn't fuck me.
You fucked me!

Mike... I know you are upset, man.
They fired you for no reason.

No, they didn't fire me
because of no reason.

They fired me...

'Cause of what, huh?
Because of me?


Come on.
Come on. Say it.

Come on. Say it.
Come on. Say it, fuckface. Huh?

What you wanna do?
What you wanna do, huh? Come on.

You wanna hit me?

You wanna punch me?

Come on.
Come on. Punch me.

Come on, Mike.
Punch me. Huh?

Come on, huh!
Punch me, huh!

You like that?
Feel good. Oh yeah.

It feels good to stand up
for yourself, doesn't it?

If anything...

I did you a fucking favor.

A favor?

Your little favor cost me
the only thing I had.

The only thing I had. In my miserable
fucking, goddamn, fucking life!

It's my fault your life is miserable?

If it wasn't for me, your life would
be shit. You would fucking sit in there

and stuff your fat face
'till you fucking blew up.

Listen man, I give that company
as many years as you did.

The difference is, when I get shat on:

I don't put on a raincoat
and say "thank you".

Are you Easter bunny?


You want some soup.

Who are you?

We're Team Jesus.

Here you go.
Nice warm soup.

It's gonna feel really good, going down.
The merciful burning light of Jesus.

- Praise Jesus.
- Praise Jesus.

Don't worry.
We're just here to help.

Little warm soup.
Nice blanket.

And the merciful burning light
of our Lord and savior.

- Praise Lord Jesus.
- Praise Lord Jesus.

No, no...
Fear not Pagan.

Cause your soul...
Can still be cleansed.

You gotta let me in.
You gotta let me in.

Just let go...

Gotta let me in.


You'll burn in hell, infidel.

You'll burn in hell.

Get back in the van.

I pushed too hard, too fast.

There's your fucking chocolate.

What's up?


Hey, Lena.

- How you doing?
- Oh, good. Good.

Just... stretching it out.

I haven't seen you since the party.
What have you been up to?

Oh. You know.
Stuff. Yeah.

On the burner.

Freelance, portfolios,
expanding, assist, you know.

- The usual.
- Yeah.

Mike, let's have a coffee.

- You can lay eggs?
- Me? No.


- What about you?
- What about me?

I don't know.
Tell me something I don't know.

- Like what?
- Anything.

Well, Easter always reminds me
of my grandmother.

And she was Ukrainian. She would always
paint these amazingly beautiful eggs.

They're called pysankies.

- Yeah. I know.
- Oh yeah. Of course.

And every year when we went over
to her house for Easter dinner...

She would hide one of them for me.

And I never saw her do it.
You know, she was old.

- She moved really slowly,
- It's tricky.

But I never saw her do it!

But at the end of the night,
when we're getting ready to leave.

I'd put on my coat, put my hand
into my pocket and there it was.

This, gorgeous gift.

She would always tell me that
the Easter bunny had put it there.

Looked forward to getting
that egg every year.

Just made me happy, you know.

She died six days before Easter.

On Easter morning,
when I put my hand into my pocket...

I half expected my fingers
to find it there.

Isn't that silly?


It's not silly at all.

It's really sweet.

- You're sweet.
- Thank you.

This is one extremely cold spring

and it looks it will stay that way
at least until the weekend.

We have two low pressure systems
converging over the city,

that result in high winds overnight
and possibly snowballs tomorrow

Thursday, the risk of freezing rain and
Friday overcast and cold...

So, hope you're enjoying the clear
weather and sun...

- Oh.
- Hey, Hank. Got any aspirine?

- What the fuck happened to you?
- I tried it.

Tried what?

Sponsored Suicide.

- Why the fuck would you do that?
- 'Cause I'm a loser.

I got fired from my job and
gambled away our life savings.

My wife left me.

I offered Mike ten bucks to eat
out of his asshole.

Yeah, that was weird.

- Well, looks like you're still breathing.
- That's the problem. I screwed up.

How can you screw killing yourself?

Sometimes, you just don't die.

I'm gonna ask for another chance,
you know. I'm gonna beg.

Beg 'm for another chance 'cause
I know I can do this, you know.


Sometimes you just get in the way.

I'm just tired of being in the way.

Just wanna get out of the way.

I've learned the most important thing
in life is to love someone.

God, I hated her.

Once she left, I realised
I didn't hate her.

I hate me.

I hate me, Hank.

I hate me so much.

I hate you too, Leon.

Thanks, Hank.

Hold on.

This was fun, Mike.

I really had a good time.

Is everything ok?

I'm secretly in love with you.

No, I've been secretly in love with you
since the first time I saw you and...

I wanted to tell you
so many times, but...

But I was a coward.

Even came by here a few times, but...

Never mustered up the courage
to actually tell you so.

I've been watching you. Outside
your window for a long time now.

Yeah. You walked across
your bedroom to your bed

and take out your change
and receipts from your pockets.

And you put them in the little blue
ashtray on your night table.

God knows why you have an ashtray.
You don't even smoke.

You take your clothes off.

And I wanna look away.

But I can't.

You were so beautiful.

And I watch you.
Till you fall asleep.

I wonder what it would feel like
to be lying there next to you.

Hey, Mikey.
How you doing?

Leave the bottle.

Oh Mikey. Come on, man.
It's been three years.

How about I get you a nice steak
and a face dance?

I need to get so drunk
I forget I exist.

Jesus Christ, Mikey!
It can't be that bad, can it?

Just bring the bottle.

Oh yeah, OK. Fuck, I'll bring you
the fucking bottle. Alright.

Here's the fucking bottle.


I fell in love once.

And give up everything for it.
My desire

my ambition to make
a mark on this world.

- I don't deserve to be loved.
- That's the problem right there.

It feels like the world
owes 'em something.

Can't count on anything, anymore.

Not your job,
not your friends, not...

You know at the end of the day,
The only thing you can come home to...

The only thing you can snuggle up

in bed with at night
is the bottom line.

- To bottom line.
- Guys, please...

For fuck's sake.
Steak and face.

Love, it's like a hurricane,

it happens in Florida

it gets into everything.

Love, it's a like a marmoset,

it may be small and cute,

but sometimes it eats its young.

Love, it's like a trailer park,

ugly but functional,

the rent is cheap enough.

Love, it's like an interstate,

gets you from place to place,

but it's littered with dead racoons.

But love,
love's like a garbage man,

it collects wasted filth

and it smells like rotten flesh.


it's like hurricane,

it happens in Florida,

and destroys everything.

It destroys everything.

Yes, it's love,

love, sweet love,

sweet, sweet love.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.


He's here again.

He's waking up.


When I look in your face,
I know by seeing in your face,

That you look at me and you know,
you know, you know you can't...

Tell me, I should not've gone fired
from this company.

Huh? Can you?
Don't give me that face.

You look at me in the face
with my face you tell em to...

Alright. That's enough.
That is enough.

It's one thing for you to act
retarted for our amusement.

- Oh.
- Stop.

But it's another thing, when you come in
here and you make a disgrace of yourself.

This is your golden egg winner, folks.

You're an embarrassment to me.
You're an embarrassment to Liam.

And you are an embarrassment
to this company.

Oh shit.

- What'd you do that for?
- Oh fuck.

- Hey Gimp.
- What?!

- Oh.
- Oh.

Hey! Oh!

You have one pencil...
That's my coffee, rabbit!

You have one pencil.
Everyone's missing a pencil?

Oh. And it's a
mid-court reception.

How you doing?


Let's check it back on the
instant replay. And it's out.

Really good.


I'm alright.

And here comes Chen, mid-court

Walking down the alley.
Confident, confident,

haven't seen him like
this in a while.

Chen is not in the game today.

There we have it. We're gonna
take a short break right now.

and come back with the
exciting second half.

at 7:04 am, we were issued
a press release stating:

It's business as usual
in Easter Enterprises.

But with the monthly meeting of the
Board of Trustees, tomorrow morning,

rumours the speculation
of future layoffs

have many wondering how this will effect
their Easter celebrations.

Where you going?

I just got a crazy idea
how to get our jobs back.

You coming?

Easy Breezy.


- Good morning.
- Hello.

- Good morning.
- Hey.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

How are ya?

- Ladies...
- Good morning.



Let's just get this
train wreck started.

Thank you.



And Cha-Ching
to everyone here.




For your children.

For your children's Cha-Ching

Tax free.
fat cats,

Big Cahunas, head honchos,

High-rollers and
rodeo drive legacy-be-damned.

Are all but early Cha-Ching retirement
and executive washroom.



Big shots.

Do you wasted sidelines
microwave dinner?

Do you?

- No, sir.
- Not anymore.

Not anymore now.

Now is aggressive for money.

- Yeah.
- and Cha-Ching.

- Cha-Ching.
- Cha-Ching.

- Cha-Ching.
- Cha-Ching.

- Cha-Ching.
- Cha-Ching.

- Cha-Ching, Cha-Ching.
- Cha-Ching.

- Cha-Ching!
- Cha-Ching!

- To everyone, the bottom line.
- Yeah. The bottom line.

The bottom line.

- Alright.
- Alright.


Excuse me.

You are retarded.

- Is there a...?
- Mike?

- Is there a problem here?
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey. No, no.

- Those are new suits, aren't they?
- Yeah.

They look good.

You look good.

They do.
I... See ya.

Hey, no.
Hey. No, no, no.

There is a meeting in there.

Hey, gentleman.
You can not go in there.

That's right.

Good morning.

So this is where
the real magic happens, huh?

Oh my god.

Don't shoot.

We don't have a gun.
Where would we have a gun?

- Shoot me in the head so I don't suffer.
- Are you retarded?

We're not gonna shoot you.
We're not postal workers.

Who are you?

- I'm a fucking Easter bunny.
- Yeah. Me too.

I'm a fucking Easter bunny too.

- You can't come in here...
- Oh, shut up!

Thank you.
We're here to get our jobs back.

We're in the middle of a
very important meeting here.

Would you please air your grievances
to your union rep or... whomever?

Who the fuck are you?
I will shit in your mouth.

How typical...
How typical...

No one is accountable for their actions.
Listen bunnies...

You weren't let go out of malice, ok?
You were downsized for the bottom line.

- Oh, the bottom line?
- Yes.

- Alright. Fine. Bottom line.
- Whip it out.

Burt "Sweet cheaks" Wachowski.
You've got four grandchildren, right?

Michael, Sara, Victoria and Matt?

They look forward to Easter every year.

Just like you look forward, to no one
finding out about the 4.7 million dollars

you embezzled from this company.

- No, no. Why?
- Right here.

Didn't have to be like this.

Jill O'Brady, 531 Grands Road.

Husband Simon, two kids.
Philip and Tim.

Although Philip's real dad...
Uncle Steve.

Shame on you.

Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins, 212 Belgravia street,
1204, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

When you were a kid,
you could not wait for Easter.

You would sleep on the coach
the night before,

just waiting to get a glimpse
of that magical Easter bunny, mmm?

That was many years before you killed your
twin brother and assumed his identity.


You should've just... shot me.

- Want some more?
- We can go on.

I found a giant black dildo.
I'm not gonna say who's it is.

Giant black dildo.

It's funny the things you can learn
about people hiding eggs in their homes.

You think you know anything
about the bottom line?

You've got no idea
how to play this game, amateurs.

For every bit of dirt you can pull up.
I can unearth a mountain.

This new corporate policy
will go through.

Oh yes.
It will go through and then...

You will feel the full brunt
of my bottom line.

What are you gonna do?
You have no power here.

What are you gonna do?

Bring it.

And we are back with Mr. Pan,

one of the most magnanimous and
mysterious business tycoons...

I'm no tycoon, sir.

Let's agree to disagree
on that one.

Speculation of health problems.

Not to mention pressure on the Senate,
to ban Sponsored Suicide.

The age of Hubriss
has come to an end.

- It's been an eventful year.
- It's been colorful, Charlie.

Pretty damn colorful.

You know,
business is a lot like life.

And life is a lot like the weather.

When it's warm and sunny.
It's easy to smile.

But sometimes...
It's not so simple.

Sometimes you look out the window
and don't see the sun.

You give up hope.

Sometimes the cold gets so bad,
you lose a toe.

Maybe, that little Piggy that
went to market never comes home.

You say...
What's the point?

I'm not going out there.


But funny thing... the sun.
It's always there.


That beautiful ball of fire
is always there.

But sometimes,


it's waiting for you
to come out.

I'm hungry.

You know what I could go for?

- Steak 'n' face.
- Steak 'n' face!

Ressynch: Kilo