Halloween with the New Addams Family (1977) - full transcript

A revival of the popular '60s TV comedy series "The Addams Family" has them preparing for Halloween in their own inimitable way.

[music playing]

Well, Tish,
the hour of parting is near.

Lurch, that's French!
Stop the car.

Uncle Faustus rattled his
chains! No fair, no fair.

What a lovely thing to say.

-[door bell ringing]
-You rang.

[swish, swish]

[Gomez] It's cozy.

[wolves howling]

-[dogs barking]
-[cats meowing]

[lion roaring]



-[chimes jingle]
-[Lurch] F ollow me.

[theme song playing]

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[knuckles cracking]

[playing on piano]

♪ Good-bye

♪ Forever

♪ Good-bye

♪ Forever

♪ Good-bye

Well, Tish, the hour
of parting is near.

To leave this room.

Yes, it has its
own quiet elegance.

-It's so you.
-It's so us, Gomez.



Lurch, he was always so
sentimental.

Playing our song.

[sighs] Darling.

I bought you
a going-away present.

Tish!

An umbrella, you know me
like a book.

I was afraid the weather
might turn nasty.

And you know how miserable
sunshine can be.

I shall pray for clouds.

And a little thunder
and lightning.

Remember our honeymoon?

That heavenly place.

Who could forget Death Valley?

Darling, your present.

Oh, yes, my present.

It's nicely ventilated.

-How do I look?
-You look wonderful in
anything, mon cher.

"Mon cher!"
Tish, that's French.

You know what French
does to me.

It turns my blood to hot,
bubbling muscatel.
Tish, speak some more.

Soup du jour, Eiffel Tower,
anything.

[fog horn sounds]

I'll be right back.

Bad timing, Thing,
but thanks anyway.

Tish, the lodge committee is
reminding me not to be late.

[chuckles] Will you be proud
of me when I'm a Grand
Exalted Serpent?

Of course, Gomez darling.
But I'm proud of you
the way you are.

A first-class snake.

First-degree snake.

Thank you, Thing.

Darling.

Isn't that sweet?

-The children are playing Hide
and Boo with Uncle Fester.
-[Fester counting]

Three and seven-sixteenth.
Ready or not, here I come.

[chains rattling]

Got you.

Olly olly oxen free.

Ah!

Ah, no fair.

Uncle Faustus rattled his
chains! No fair, no fair,
no fair.

Calma,Uncle Fester, calma.

Uncle Faustus, did you rattle
your chains?

-[chains rattling]
-Uncle Faustus, he likes
his little jokes.

This time Uncle Faustus
will stay out of it.

Won't you, Uncle Faustus?

You see. You may start
counting, Uncle Fester.

This time I'll count
in Swahili.

Okay, go hide.

[speaking Swahili]

I think your brother handled
that beautifully.

Tish, I'm worried.

About Pancho?

No, no. Not about Pancho.

He's an Addams, he knows the
code of honesty, loyalty,
fidelity, I trust him.

It's his blood I don't trust.

There's a saying, Tish,

"Beware the brother who once
courted your wife."

I have a feeling you made up
that saying yourself.

Of course I made it up.
I like to be close to
the source.

Tish, why?

Why, oh, why did you
invite him?

Because this is the season,
my love.

And we decided to invite only
family this year. Remember?

And a brother certainly
qualifies as family.

Besides, I'm sure Pancho's
hot blood is cooled off.

You forget, Tish,
he's an Addams.

Trust me, Gomez.

[growls]

[gong clangs loudly]

-You rang?
-Yes, Lurch.

Take Mr. Addams' luggage
downstairs, please.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

[slow music playing]

[grumbles]

Lurch always was a
handy fellow, my dear.

Good legs, too.

It's time, Morticia.

Stiff upper leaf.

That's better. Dear.

[birds chirping]

Thumbs up, Charles.

Tish, I have never been away
during Halloween season
before.

-Do you think I'm being
too selfish?
-Never, Gomez.

You've wanted to be a Serpent
all your life.

You've worked hard for it.

You're right. I've been an
ordinary snake long enough.

I shall return.

Oh, dear.

Lurch has got his pterodactyl
net out again.

Oh, man, he does it
every Halloween.

Well, with some people,
it's Santa Claus.

At least pterodactyls
are his only aberration.

Yes. But how do you tell
someone you love that this is
the 20th century

and pterodactyls are an
endangered species?

I hate to leave
all these treasures.

Nikita, Wednesday's
favorite teddy bear.

And who can forget Cousin
Ahab's famous last words,
"Don't give up the fish"?

-[whistle blowing]
-Tish, my trains, my trains.

Don't let Pancho near
my trains, please.

I promise, mon cher.

"Mon cher!" That's French.
Tish, speak some more.

Bouillabaisse, cul de sac,
Charles de Gaulle, anything!

It's either this or give up
becoming the Grand
Exalted Serpent.

This, this.

Are you willing to remain
a first-class snake forever?

First-degree snake.

[grunts]

Just what I need.

-Mother Frump.
-Hmm.

Mother got a hold of an old
broom and fly recipe.

She hopes to be flying
by Halloween.

Ah, it will be good to have
one of the family in
the air again.

A bitter little fella.

Don't torture yourself, Gomez.

-You've already said good-bye
to the children.
-One last glance.

Ah, niece and nephew.

Playing your innocent
childhood games.

Children.

Where is Uncle Fester?

We buried him, Uncle Pancho.

Ah... [chuckling]

Good, good.
[chuckles] Where?

In here some place.

Children,

have you forgotten
the family motto?

"You must never bury anybody
without leaving a marker."

He's taken over already.
Even the family motto.

Here he is.

Pugsley, isn't that
a little deep?

[muffled mumbling]

Speak a little louder,
Uncle Fester.

[mumbling]

Tell us a story, Uncle Pancho.

Very well, children.

Better hurry and dig
yourself out, Uncle Fester.

-I'm going to tell the
legend of Cousin Shy.
-[mumbling]

He's telling them the legend.

And he's wearing my suit.

Here we go, kids.

Everybody ready?

[sighs] Now.

-A long time ago...
-Oh, no.

You forgot to say,
"Once upon a time."

Very well, Uncle Fester,
very well.

Once upon a time,

a very long time ago,

in a galaxy far, far away
in a little village,
there was this

-tiny, little boy named...
-Deetlemote.

A very good boy, and he knew
the legend of Cousin Shy.

Cousin Shy is the special
spirit of Halloween.

The spirit who carves happy
smiles on a specially
hidden pumpkin

and leaves beautiful gifts
at the feet of the
Halloween scarecrow.

And then there was one day

when Deetlemote
wanted to find out if
Cousin Shy was real.

And so this little boy carved
a mouth on the giant pumpkin.

[excitedly] And guess
what happened.

-It talked, it talked!
-[Pancho] Yes.

And it said,

"I'm the spirit of Cousin Shy.

"I belong to the whole world.

"You will never see me,

"but if children are very
good, I will pay them a visit
every Halloween.

"And if you leave a pumpkin

"in a very special place,

"I will carve it for you
and leave gifts

"under your scarecrow."

[inhales] And that's the story
of Cousin Shy.

Hey, wait a minute.

-You forgot to say, "And they
lived happily ever after."
-I forgot, Uncle Fester.

You may say it.

I have to say good-bye
to my big brother.

-Thank you.
-[Pancho] You're welcome.

And they lived happily
ever after.

Morticia, I'm not going.
I should be telling
that story, not Pancho.

Pancho never could tell that
story as well as you, my dear.

Oh, I suppose so.
[chuckles]

Can you imagine forgetting
"Once upon a time,
in a galaxy far, far away"?

Well, the bus for Tombstone
waits for no man.

Wait a while, and I'll get you
there on my broom.

[gasping] The only way to fly.

This is a test flight.

Fly me, I'm Mother Frump.

We really move
our tail for you.

Take the bus.

Well, thanks for trying.
Adios.

[bubbling]

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Do you think Shakespeare
really said that?

Why not invite him to
the party and ask him?

We can't do that. You said
yourself, it's only family
this year.

-Ah.
-Tish.

Every moment away
from you is an eternity.

Every second an eon.

With all your luggage,
I thought you would use
the station wagon?

Couldn't. You know how the
children prefer it.

Such a good father.

Darling, when will you return
from your journey?

[sighs] 6:00, tomorrow.

And I'll write.

[engine starting]

-[lion roars]
-You too, Kitty Kat.

Good-bye, dear brother.

[speaking Spanish]

I'll take care
of everything here.

[speaking French]

Lurch, that's French!
Stop the car.

Cara mia! Cara mia!

French... Morticia.

You must restrain yourself,
por favor,I'm an Addams.

Our blood.

We have a code.

Oui.

Hand.

No, you stop that.

Remember, Pancho.
Remember the code.

Yes.

Si, si, si.

The code.

[exhaling]

That one is out of the way.

That deal you made
with his lodge worked perfect.

With all that luggage,
he'll be gone for weeks.

Suggestion.

If he does come back,

I would like
the contract on him.

Suggestion under advisement.

Now the Addams family
is loaded.

If everything goes as planned,

we'll clear a nice million
on this, maybe more.

Maybe more, eh?
[scoffs]

[laughs]

I have a complication
that's beginning
to take form.

Well, give it to me
when it's fact.

I despise phrases like
"Beginning to take form."

Well, I'm only saying
that all of that gibberish

that we're picking up from
the Addams' place
could be code.

-Bah...
-How else do you
explain things like

"Hide and Boo"
and "first-class snake"?

First-degree snake.

Oh, those are just titles
in his lodge.

What about that ridiculous
nonsense about Cousin Shy?

Aha, we're beginning to get
some action in the
second floor bedroom.

Is that all of the room
we can see?

We couldn't get cameras
everywhere.

This is on the telephoto,
right from across the street.

Uh-huh, somebody's cutting
roses off the stems.

And throwing them away?

And keeping the stems.

Explanation please.

-It could be visual code...
-Ah...

[telephone rings]

Thank you, Thing.

Hello!

Cara mia,did you get
the roses I sent?

Yes, the thorns are lovely.

They're Moroccan uglies.

Let me tell you something,
Morticia.

Tombstone, Arizona,
is nothing without you.

What a lovely thing to say.

Gomez darling,
you must excuse me.

I have to go help Mama
with the party menu.

It's a strange thing.

But I can feel your presence
all around me like a cocoon.

Somehow, I'm able to picture
you precisely as you are.

It's a wonderful faculty.

Darling, don't worry
about the party.

Pancho and I are taking care
of everything.

Good-bye.
[speaking French]

[speaking French]
Tish, that's French.

You know what that does to me.

Gomez!

Gomez...

Gomez...

Pancho!

Don't worry, dear brother.

I'm taking care of everything.

Adios.

It's so nice when a woman
knows she's wanted

by a man who can't have her.

Querida.

Your mother is sulking up
in her room.

Her broom and fly recipe
blew up last night.

Her maid's helping me.

Dear Mother,

she has her heart set
on flying, before the moon
is over Miami.

That'll be the day.

Thank you, Lady Fingers.

Now, about
the hors d'oeuvres...

[telephone rings]

Not now, Gomez darling, later.

We'll need about two dozen
hopping eggs.

I think a four-inch hop
is enough, don't you?

You get him jumping any
higher than that,

and they hop right off
the plate and people
step on 'em.

I do hate to hear
an egg scream.

How about molten eye of newt
pudding for desert?

Enchante.

People like a pudding
that can look up to them.

Enchante.

That's French.

Aye, Morticia, por favor,
you know what
that does to me.

-Remember the code.
-I remember it, I remember it,

but you've turned
my heart to lava.

Isn't it interesting?

Both brothers' emotions
are triggered by French.

No, remember, I have the
same trigger for...

Gaelic, Greek, Sanskrit,
and not to mention Swahili
and Yiddish.

[Morticia] Mama,
you've soaked poor Pancho.

Yeah, and I also
cooled his lava.

[sneezes]

[Morticia] Gesundheit.

Think I've broken down
"eye of the newt pudding."

To me, neither gun
emplacement or beach bucket.

Well, it's time to enter
the Addams' house.

I'm not going.

I'm not going.

Just give the job to Mikey,
he'll do anything.

Yeah...

Mikey.

Would you like going into
the Addams' house?

Yeah.

He likes it.

[both] Hey, Mikey.

[door creaking]

[fire roaring]

Now approaching the front
door, coming up the steps.

If I may be allowed
to be so editorial,
this is a piece of cake.

[bell ringing loudly]

You rang?

I'm the accounting
tax assessor.

Would you tell miss...

Would you tell Mrs. Addams
that I'm here?

Wait here.

Sure.

Wow.

From where I'm standing,
the rooms look weirder
than we thought.

There's a two-headed turtle.

There is an eight-foot bear,

and there's a fish mounted
on the wall with legs

sticking out of his mouth,
and, uh, 10-4.

Follow me.

[groaning]

[door creaking]

[singing] Christmas and Easter
bring wonderful treasures.

How do you do, sir?

I understand
you've come to assess.

Yes. My name is Grimm.

Grimm!

What a lovely name!

Somebody has cleaned
the soot out of the
chimney again.

A beautiful, three-year
collection gone puff!

Gone are the days
when you could get sensitive
chimney-sweeper over, Mama.

Oh, this is Mr. Grimm,
the assessor.

Show him the house, please.

He's in it!

Very well, come along.

[telephone rings]

[telephone rings]

Thank you, Mr. Grimm.

Run along.

If you'd like ribs for lunch,

I'm sure Mama can dig up
a spare whale bone for you.

[gasps]

Hello!

Oh, no. No,
this year it's only family.

Oh, Lady Fingers,

while I think of it,

add a pinch of nit blizzard
to the moon and barbeque sauce
and stir it.

Come on.

Needs more stirring.

Let's go, young man.
Haven't you ever seen people
working in a kitchen before?

I'm now in the kitchen,
they've got two hands,

one to answer the phone
and the other one
to stir the soup.

Soup...

Do you always talk to luggage?

[blows] Just dusting.

You strike me
as a very weird young man.

Well, come along.

This is where
we do the laundry.

Keep a few old friends.

How nice! Your own cemetery.

-Strictly family.
-Oh.

Guess this is damp enough.

Excuse me a minute.

Ah, garter snakes...

They don't grow them
the way they used to.

No spring.

Why, you can't get 'em
to even hold up
a pair of stockings anymore.

Look! See what I mean?

[fog horn sounds]

That's my oldest
granddaughter.

Wednesday Sr. is home.

Ah, feel free to look around.

[door creaking]

Welcome home.

Thank you, Lurch.

Handsome as ever.

Ohh...

Thank you, Thing.

Wednesday, my dear child.

Mother!

Never say that
we were false of heart,

though absence seemed
our flame to qualify.

Hello, Wednesday Jr.

Hello, Pugsley Jr.

Hello, Wednesday Sr.

Hello, Wednesday,
the dress needs letting out.

Ah, my niece home
from music academy.

Never say that
we were false of heart,

though absence seemed
our flame to qualify.

Mother said that.

Two minds in a single slot.

[chittering]

[panting]

-[sneezes]
-Gesundheit.

[stammers]

I didn't know what I was...
"Gesundheit..."

I want to apologize
to all of you.

I almost gave up
the broom and fly recipe.

I was wrong.

I forgot one of the old
family mottos,
"Never say die."

[applause]

Thank you.

Well, back to the
drawing board.

Play something for us,
my child.

Play something cheerful,

like the blues.

Or better yet, Morticia,
something light and gray.

Aw, the piccolo,
that's your
father's instrument.

He's never without one.

May I have an 'A', Lurch?

[plays single note]

I shall now play for you
the Mordant Bestiary

by Johann Sebastian
Schwinderholt.

[plays melody]

[Pancho] That's what I call
music with a stink.

[dogs barking and howling]

Ah, when you reach
the animals,
you are a true artist.

Come in,
Operation Briefcase, over.

Come in,
Operation Briefcase, over.

Twenty minutes since
I've heard from him.

How are you coming
on that costume?

The computer
came up with this?

Those ringlets are all wrong!
They should be stringier.

Ah, keep trying to get Mikey.

We move tonight, and he hasn't
even found the safe yet.

-I'm gonna go
put on my costume.
-Right.

Little Bo Peep out.

Do you realize that
every time I move, the wind
whistles up my drawers?

Get on that receiver, now.

Operation Briefcase.

Come in, Operation Briefcase.

Hey!

Hey, will you holler
when I get my pliers
on the wisdom tooth in there?

I can't see it good
from out here.

[choking]

Louis!

How can he holler
if you keep huggin' him?

You see this...

Sir, hi.

I'm getting
a terrible headache.

I just gotta get
this tooth out.

Point at it, will you, please?

Here, hold this.
Go on, just point at it.

Go ahead, point at it.

One...

Two... Boy, it feels so good.

Ah...

[pop]

Oh, do you see that?
[giggles]

[giggles]

Oh, you wanna pull one?

No, I can't.

I won't, you know why?
'Cause I'm busy.

I'm casing the...
I mean, I'm inspecting
the house.

-Oh, the house?
-Yes.

Would you like
to see the play room?

-The play room, yes...
-Yeah.

By all mean, the play room.
Anywhere but here!

Get away from here.
Get away. Get away.

Well, sir, here we are.

This is the play room?

-Oh, sure.
-[lion roaring]

What was that?

-What was what?
-That... [imitates roar]

Oh, that's just ol' Kitty Kat.

Sounded bigger
than a Kitty Kat.

Come on.

Here you are.

-[nervously] Play room?
-Yeah, sure.

-You got headache
or anything?
-No.

Why don't you try the rack.

The rack!

Oh, yeah, it'll make
your muscles sing.

You're making things fine.

Oh, please. I cannot.

I've seen enough.
Let's go back upstairs, huh?

-Oh, you wanna go upstairs?
-Yes, yes.

-Well, then take the shortcut.
-Shortcut, that's lovely.
Yes.

-Let's go.
-Hey, oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Don't step on
Kitty Kat's tail.

Do I look like a guy
that would step on
Kitty Kat's tail?

Hey!

[roaring]

[clothes tearing]

You stepped
on Kitty Kat's tail?

Yeah. Big Kitty Kat.

Bigger than a house Kitty Kat.

A giant Kitty Kat.

Eh... This is not something
I can talk about.

Oh, my head.

-Oh, you got a headache?
-Yeah.

I'll get you a little juice.

Oh, some juice, yeah, some...

Juice!

[yelling]

I'll go.
I'll wait for you upstairs.
Please, let me go.

We get the weirdest
people in here.

[fog horn sounds]

[door creaking]

Dr. Addams.

Lurch.

Dr. Addams.

Pugsley Sr. is home.

My nephew, the doctor.

Pugsley, my dear son.

Welcome home from
Nairobi medical school.

Doctor Killdare never looked.

-Umgawa.
-Umgawa.

-Umgawa.
-Umgawa.

[snoring]

Oh, my dear, Mr. Grimm,
I'm afraid I forgot
you were here.

Are you well?

You're not looking very well.

Perhaps SenorAddams,
Dr. Addams...

Have him take a look at it.

I don't know what happened.

-But he saw
Kitty Kat down there.
-Kitty Kat?

And something
must have happened.

[chanting]

Doesn't our Dr. Addams have a
lovely bedside manner?

I don't need a doctor.

I always looked this way.

I'm all right. I'm cured,
I'm cured.

[jabbering] I'm cured.

[box creaking]

[stammering]

Well, this world is sure full
of weird people.

My dear, I congratulate you,
that's the most miraculous
recovery I've ever seen.

Thank you, Mother,
I owe it all to Dr. Magombo.

Dear Dr. Magombo,

your father and I haven't
seen him for years.
How is he?

Great. Have a look.

[Morticia] Ah.

A perfect likeness.

And how sweet of you to
carry his picture.

Haven't you raised him yet?

[knocking at door]

Where's the safe?

Captain would be...
Mikey bad boy.

Mikey step on tail
of Kitty Kat.

Kitty Kat... [snorts]
I don't know, I'm talking cat.

There's a bush, it chokes
people, and there's a flower
that eats handkerchiefs.

And there's a bald-headed guy

who was completely out
of his mind, he wanted
to fix my back

by putting me on the rack...

Where's the safe?

There's this servant, a man,
and a woman...

No body, just hands.

One for the phone,
one to stir the soup.

I'm gonna leave. I'm quitting.

I'm coming home, Mommy.

I'm gonna go.
I left them the bag...

[stammering nervously]

Come back here!

Oh, well, he's no good to us
in the condition he's in.

-Now you...
-And wait...

And wait till you hear.

Do you see the girl
who plays the music,

and there's no music.

That's a beaut.
Oh, that's a good one.
You have to see that one.

[stammering nervously]

Now, I wanna show
you something.

Just think, I wonder what
put our little friend into
such a state of shock.

Forget about him.

-Look at this.
-What?

Well, show him.

You're talking to me?

[stammers]

I'm leaving the project.
Good-bye.

Whoa...

On second thought,
we have all this protection.

[door thuds]

Now, this is the thing
that's gonna make it all work.

Watch.

[speaking French]

French!

You spoke French.

Querida!

Speak some more!

MAN: Enough.

Save some for the party.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Masks.

Very okay.

[playing melody]

♪ Christmas and Easter
bring wonderful treasures♪

♪ But spirits and pumpkins
bring far greater pleasures ♪

Bravo!

How thrilled your face
must be to be so near
that golden throat.

Have you seen
your children's costumes?

It will be dark in an hour,
and look what they're wearing.

Morticia, we mustn't stare.

They are very
different, children.

Darlings.

Have a good time
at the party anyway.

I've never seen Wednesday
look so plain.

Be sure and wear
a mask, darling.

This one really tears it.

Now that's disgusting.

And you call yourself
a doctor!

Oh, I'm sorry, my son.

All right, all right, go
and get dressed proper
for the party.

That's all part
of today's world.

Do you know Pugsley Sr.
told me earlier

that he had gone to the beach
in the sunlight?

Yes, he said
he's getting a tan.

It's all the rage
at his school.

Schools, no discipline today.

I haven't told you
about Wednesday yet.

She wants...

A Kawasaki.

Well, there I can relieve
your mind, Morticia.

Our family is very partial
to mixed marriages.

It's a motorcycle.

[explosion]

[Morticia] Did you have a cake
in the oven, Mama?

It's that woman again.

That's my kitchen.

Not an airport!

Mother!

[liquid bubbling]

You got to admit,
I'm starting to get altitude.

I know you'll do it.

Look who's back.

Old big eyes.

He is not supposed
to be back yet.

Well, that means
we go to Plan B.

Plan B!

[gibbering]

I'm home! I'm home.

Where is everybody?

Oh, yes, Lurch,
it's a beautiful costume.

-But where is everybody?
-[Cousin Itt gibbering]

Cousin Itt, with that hat,
nobody will recognize you.
Where is the family?

[Cousin Itt gibbering]

Trimming a scarecrow
without me?

Oh, show me.

Show me.

[groans]

It's time for all
good little bats
to be in bed.

Ah!

I think this scarecrow needs
a few more cobwebs
on his right arm.

Get your spider, Wednesday Jr.

Yes, Mother.

Thank you, Thing.

Okay, Homer, spin.

You know something, Morticia,
there is nothing
like a family

gathered around the old
Halloween scarecrow.

Yes, and if Cousin
Shy comes this year,

there will be gifts and love
and Halloween carols.

Yes, listen, everybody!

I think the youngest should
put the head on top
of the scarecrow.

That means you, Wednesday,
and up you go.

[Gomez] Unhand that child.

A man goes a'serpenting
and returns to find his...

His place usurped
by a brother.

A brother who lifts
his child up

to put a head on a scarecrow?

Well, after all,
you aren't here, old man.

That's true, mon mari.

"Mon mari!" It's French.

Morticia.

Usurped! Usurped!

Pancho, really,
I don't like to criticize,

but I'm afraid your Addams
code is wearing thin.

Gomez.

Gomez!

[knocking on door]

[gibbering]

-Cousin Itt.
-[gibbers]

A man comes home
and finds himself an outcast.

What's a man to do?

[gibbers]

You can say that.
You're a bachelor.

Morticia's the only woman
in my life.

[gibbers]

Calling me a pea brain
is not a solution.

[gibbers]

You're right.

It's the old paternal
rejection syndrome.

Cousin Shy won't respect me
if I sulk.

[gibbers]

You're right.

I should think of the children
and Halloween. Yeah!

Thank you, Cousin Itt.

You... You're all...

You're, uh...
What are you, anyway?

[gibbers angrily]

Oh, yes, you're all man.
Of course.

-[gibbers]
-I'm going.

[gibbers]

Hello, family.

-My love.
-Hello, Father.

Aha! Up you go, Wednesday Jr.

Oh, I love it when you get
your head on straight, Gomez.

Well, let's just hope
the scarecrow does the same.

[fog horn sounds]

[door creak opens]

Ophelia.

Hello, sister dear.
Any interesting men here?

-Pancho is upstairs.
-[Ophelia] Say no more.

Okay, now I'll go in
with the others.

You two go round the back
and through the kitchen.

Now remember,
you look like the hosts,
so play it that way.

Well, go on. Go on.

[Lurch] Cousin Ptolemy.

[inaudible]

John Quincy Adams and family.

Must be the Boston branch
of the family.

[Gomez] Welcome!
Our house is your house.

We like to think so.

[liquid bubbling]

Hey, taste this, Morticia.

Well, taste it.

It's the icing for
the salamander cake.

Enough creosote?

Perfect.

Are you sure?

The recipe says it's got
to be strong enough
to stun a canary.

It's perfect.

Flat.

Not enough cyanide, Mama.

I don't like to criticize,
dear, but it's not
very stunning.

Make up your mind, girl.
One minute it's perfect,
the next minute it's flat.

Tsk, Mama, tsk, tsk.

[flame roars]

[music playing]

Isn't the music lovely?

And doesn't Cousin Sloth
play a melodic banjo?

Yeah. And look
at Wednesday Sr.

[playing shrill note]

[glass breaking]

What talent?

Fantastic.

Makes you wanna sit in.

[playing melody]

Lurch, old boy,
why don't you dance?

Yes, pick some lovely lady.

After all, Halloween
is a democratic
and romantic holiday.

You'll do better
without the cowl.

Let the ladies see
your handsome face.

[groans]

I found him. I found him.
He was hiding.

I was not hiding.
I was meditating.

In the dumbwaiter?

Sounds reasonable.

Let's dance.

Oof!

It's a new step.

Shall we, my dear?

The time is now.

We've mingled. We've danced.

You call this dancing?
I call it plowing.

First thing I want you
to do is...

Dance?

No. I mean, no, thanks.

No, I don't mean "No, thanks."
I mean "No."

[bones crunching]

I want those two
taken care of.

And I'll need about an hour.

Well, go on.

You Boston Addams
really know how
to give a lift to a party.

Why aren't you dancing
with Morticia?

Why aren't you
dancing with Gomez?

You always had
big eyes for Morticia.

You've always had
big eyes for him.

Well, then why aren't you
dancing with her?

-I will.
-Me too.

We'd better split up.

You take the second floor.
You take this floor.
And I'll check below.

And remember the safe
could be anywhere.

Morticia, dance with me.

Come on, Gomez, let's go.

Wait a minute.

Come back here.

Fools! The whole project
is way off schedule.

We're to try and get loose.
Is that the game?

This Boston branch
is extremely innovative.

They bulge nicely, too.

We used to duck for apples,
but I like this game
much better.

[chuckles]

In a way, we've never
been closer.

I wonder if the rules
permit us to try and escape.

I must help Mama
with the hors d'oeuvres.

Hors d'oeuvres!
Tish, that's French!

[grunting]

This second,
I wanna get loose.

I know what, we'll play
the old piccolo game.

I still have my card
at Local 802.

[playing morse code]

[gibbers]

[gibbers]

Powder room is right up there.
[chuckles]

Look, we are way off schedule.

Now did you dispose of them?

They're not going anywhere.

Oh, Mr. Adams.

We loved your game.

But if you'll excuse me,
I have to go and see Mama
about the hors...

The refreshments.

-Cousin Itt,
did she speak French?
-[gibbers]

Are you sure?

We have a similar game
in our part of the country.

It's called dunk and thrash.

Only you play it in the swamp.

In a swamp?

Or in muck and mire,
if you prefer.
It's a matter of taste.

See you later.

Get him, and this time
I don't want any excuses.

What about the woman?

She's gonna be busy
in the kitchen. Now remember,
I'll need a full hour.

Go on. Get him.

Hello, Thing. Any news?

Aw.

Well, keep me posted.

By the way, nice costume.

Havin' a nice time
at the party?

Oh.

Well... Oh, again?
Say, why not play
Eastern rules this time?

That's where you
blindfold the contestants.

It's really fun.

Psst! Psst! Psst!

Cut in! Cut in!

You are so pliant tonight,
Morticia, and so affectionate.

And why not, mon cher?

That's French.

-Aren't you going to stop me?
-Mais, non.

[laughs] That does it!

[sniffs]

Now I want you to go upstairs.

Most people keep their jewels
in the bedroom.

The real Morticia's
in the kitchen.

I've taken care of Gomez.

For keeps.

Go, go, go.

I see you've had
assertiveness training.

I admire that.

Especially within the family.

It's cozy but inhibits
doing push-ups.

Well...

Ready or not, here I come.

[playing morse code]

[inaudible]

Oh, Mr. Adams,
do have some hors d'oeuvres.

Uh, these creep,

these hop,
and these just lie there.

I'm sure if you have
the family dexterity

you can catch a hopping
egg on the first hop.

Ready, go.

Oh, you missed.

Do be careful where
you step, Mr. Adams.

I hate to hear an egg scream.

[egg screams]

Adams.

Too bad. It was a good egg.

I can see you're upset.
But look at it this way,

life is short
in the hors d'oeuvres jungle.

Yes, well, excuse me.

I enjoyed playing the game.

Let's play it again
sometime soon.

When I said "soon,"
I didn't have this
in mind, gentlemen.

You see, the witching hour
is approaching and before
Cousin Shy arrives,

the children have to be
put to bed.

And somebody has to carve
the crocodile.

This game is getting
complicated.
[clicks tongue]

Goes against the grain,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to cheat a bit.

[chain rattling]

Thing, sorry to take
you away from the party.

Oh, thanks a lot, ol' boy.

The piccolo, please.

[playing morse code]

[inaudible]

[gibbers angrily]

-Where is your partner?
-Upstairs.

All right. She is in the way.

Take care of her.
Go dance with her.

I've taken care of Gomez
for keeps again.

That leaves me free
to poke around down here.
Go on, go on, go on.

Aha! There you are.

I hope you scream.

No more games, eh, Mr. Adams.

[chuckles]
I have my guests to think of.

[fog horn sounds]

Aha! I believe my good news
has arrived. Pardon me.
Thank you, thing.

I'm not exalted
Grand Serpent, Thing.

Not even first-degree snake.

Been reduced to worm.

Second class.

I put the children to bed.

Your mask
is very becoming, Gomez.

You've learned a few
new steps Tombstone, Arizona,
mon cher.

That's French!

Gomez!

Morticia, I couldn't wait
to continue our dance.

You're so pliant,
so affectionate, so nuzzling!

Nuzzling? When, mon frere?

That's French.

Pancho, if you don't remember
the code, I shall become
very cross with you.

I'm a second-class worm.

Stranger kisses my wife.

Brother kisses my wife.

Wearing my clothes.

Smoking my cigars.

"To be or not to be."

Not to be.

That is the answer.

Oh...

Poor Gomez.

What a blow.

Well, his marriage
must be shot.

Oh, there you are.
I know just what you need.

-There!
Doesn't that feel better?
-No!

-Get me off of here.
-Gomez,

how would you like
to be six feet two?

You know, I think that
Morticia would
really like that.

You've got the wrong man.
I'm just a guest here.

Take off my mask, you can see.

An impostor!

By Jupiter, well,
I'll get you out of there
right away.

That's the first mistake
I ever made on the rack.

If I make you too tall,
I can arrange to shorten you.

And if your socks
are stretched,

I'll be very happy
to knit you a new pair.

Or, if you prefer,
I can lengthen your pants.

[both chuckling]

Oh, Morticia,
I was looking for you.

I wanted to apologize
for almost breaking
the code while we were

-dancing.
-Oh, mon frere.

Mon frere?

Will you be cross with me?

-Mais, non.
-Mais, non!

[gasps]

My apologies, brother.

My blood overcame the code.

You are a cad, sir.

And I should thrash you.

But a worm has no standing.
No, no.

Not even with his wife.

You are depressed,
mon mari, mon cher.

[both] That's French!

You gave me permission,
brother.

There shall be
pistols at dawn, sir.

-Morticia!
-Are you quite finished?

[stammers] I was upset.

I've been reduced
to worm by my lodge.

Anyway, I knew it wasn't you,
it didn't taste right.

Oh, I'm sorry you are
not the Grand Exalted
Serpent, mon cher.

"Mon cher!" That's French!

Get your steaming mitts
off my wife.

But, brother,
my blood is still percolating.

Percolating?
This is my wife,
not Mrs. Olson.

I'll send you a nice
letter of apologies
when this is all over.

If you can still write.

When you've got it,
you've got it.

Pass me the salamandar sauce,
Lady Fingers.

[knocking at door]

She has gone to the party,
Mama.

You just can't get
reliable help these days.

Will you be flying
with the witching
of our mother?

Like a 747!

Keep the noise low.
You know how the neighbors
complain.

[music playing]

[music stops]

Come with me, honey.

Honey?
Look here, you don't appeal
to me.

-Where are you going?
-Tower.

Tower? No.
Look I'm not that kind
of a girl.

I don't want to go
to the tower.

Stop him. What you looking at?

How?

[groans]

[metal dings]

No, not the tower!

I don't know about you,
but I'm getting out of here.

-Me too!
-Come back here.

Come back here, you...

This goes on your
unemployment record.

If you want something done,
you've gotta do it yourself.

They are almost there.
Hold it. Just a minute.

Oh!

I will be right there.

Oh.

One more bubble.

Aw!

Ah, hold it. Hold it.
Wait till I get
to the launching pad!

Right!

Take it easy!
We're not there yet!

All right! All right.

Count down: Three, two, one.

-Contact!
-[whooshing]

Look, if you let me go,
I will buy you a pterodactyl.

Shh!

Frighten pterodactyl.

Shh!

Help! Help! Help!

[gagging]

Help! Help! Help!

Mr. Adams. Louis!

How many times
has Gomez told you not
to play with strangers?

You know something, sir,
I know just what you need.

You need to relax, sir.

[groans]

This is a rack!

It will relieve your tension.

You need it.

Ah, please! I give up!

I will confess.
Oh, please don't
tighten it anymore.

I'll confess to everything.

Don't ask me.
You'll have to ask Cousin Shy.

[stammers] Cousin Shy?

Yeah, I'm just a spectator.

Cousin Shy
is turning the rack.

[stammers] Cousin Shy?

Yeah, tell him.

Wherever you are, I give up.

I confess,
my name is Laugherty.

I'm a crook.

Aw! Ah, ah, yeah,
a very big crook.

Ow!

[giggling]

-[screams]
-[crashes]

Pterodactyl.
[chuckles]

-[grunts]
-Why not?

[warily screams]

Oh, goody, he's taking
the shortcut.

[growls]

Oh, sir?

Don't step on
Kitty Kat's tail.

-[roars]
-[man screams]

[screams]

Stranger and stranger.

Pterodactyl.
[chuckles]

[chuckles]
Good for you, old man.

Ooh! Ooh.

Oh.

Oh, thank you very much.

Next time I'll wear
my own parachute.

[groans]

[fog horn sounds]

Sorry, folks,
but there has been
complaints about the noise.

But this is a holiday.

And a very special holiday
for the Addams family.

Everyone here is a relative.

I'm sorry, you're mistaken,
Morticia. These two aren't.

Well, Bones Laugherty.

And Louis the Lard?

Oh, you must be mistaken,
officer, these are members
of our family.

[stammers] No.
No, we just said that...

We're not members...

There is a lion!
A lion in the basement.

And that lady flew right
off the window!

That was no lady,
it was a pterodactyl.

[groans]

Oh, please, fuzzy,
take us away, take us away!

Fuzzy, please!
I'll never do anything bad...

You know, I had a feeling
they weren't relatives.

Their New England accent
was deplorable.

[bell tolls]

Witching hour.

-It's time to wake
the children, and...
-I will do it, big brother.

-Wait a minute.
It's a father's job.
-Darling!

Why don't you see
if Cousin Shy has
carved the pumpkin yet?

Of course.

[door creaks]

[ratchet turning]

[door creaking]

Cousin Shy.

Good night, Uncle Morbid.

Be of good cheer.

[sighs]

Morticia, he is here.

Cousin Shy is here.

-[wind whistling]
-Yes, I feel the chill.

Lovely!

I just saw him carving
a pumpkin.

-Come, we must go
to the children.
-Yes.

Okay.

You see, cara mia,
a father has a special
feeling on a night like this.

He remembers his children's
first Halloween.

[Pancho] Children?

Pancho is in there
with my children.

Darling, you must remember
he has no children of his own.

Nor a wife of his own.

What's he saying?

Children,
your witching hour is here.

How dare the man?
He has no right.

Gomez, wait.

Let me tell you something.

This is the way it used to be
when your papa and I
were little boys.

I was little and dumb, uh,
and he was older
and very, very good to me.

I'll never forget that.

He is a fine man, your father.

You see, cara mia,
I always told you my brother's
an exceptional person.

Pancho,
get the children dressed.
We'll all go to the tower.

Now that's
the Halloween spirit.

[chuckles] Cara...

[Morticia] Come, we'll all sing
to Cousin Shy on this joyful
and solemn occasion.

ALL: ♪ Christmas and Easter
bring wonderful treasures♪

♪ But spirits and pumpkins
bring far greater pleasures♪

♪ Phantoms and ghosts
make wonderful hosts♪

♪ And every year,
they convene to wish you♪

♪ A merry

Shh!

♪ Creepy Halloween

♪ Scarecrows and blackbirds
are always together♪

♪ Spiders spin cobwebs
in overcast weather♪

♪ Cauldrons are brewing

♪ And banshees are doing
a weird and ghastly routine♪

♪ To wish you a merry

Shh!

♪ Creepy Halloween

♪ This is a night
of heavenly fright♪

♪ Witches on broomsticks
are up to their tricks♪

♪ And poltergeists
wail to the moon♪

♪ Which looks
like a silver balloon♪

♪ Frankenstein's monster
is having a ball♪

♪ Scaring the goblins
right off of the wall♪

♪ Boogeymen prance
at our favorite dance♪

♪ And children
are king and queen♪

♪ They wish you a merry

Shh!

♪ Creepy Halloween

[wind whistling]

-He's here!
-Shh.

Only Cousin Shy parts
a cobweb like that.

[amplified voice] Farewell!

Farewell!

And to all at home
a merry, creepy Halloween.

Turns your blood cold,
doesn't it?

It's a lovely feeling.

Wednesday Sr., you may
turn on the light.

[sighs and gasps]

[chattering]

Fester: I wanna open
my present.
Get outta my way.

[Pancho] Merry Halloween!

Happy Halloween, everybody.

There we are, on the ground.
There we go.

[all chattering]

Oh, my...

[mother Frump]
Guess who's gonna
have to clean up this mess?

Isn't that cute?

A real rat!

Beautiful Halloween, carita.

Perfect day.

Perfect marriage.

Amazing with so many divorces.

Yes, lovers should
try divorce first.

And then if it doesn't work,
then marriage.

[speaking French]

-Tish, that's French.
-Yes, I know.

-Morticia...
-Gomez.

-Morticia.
-Tonight...

Yes.

Tonight belongs to Cousin Shy
and the children.

So it does.

So it does.

[chattering]

[wolves howling]

[festive song playing]

♪ This is a night
of heavenly fright♪

♪ Witches on broomsticks
are up to their tricks ♪

♪ And poltergeists wail to the
moon ♪

♪ Which looks like
a silver balloon ♪

♪ Frankenstein's monster
is having a ball ♪

♪ Scaring the goblins
right off of the wall ♪

♪ Boogeymen prance
at our favorite dance ♪

♪ And children are
king and queen ♪

♪ They wish you a merry

Shhh!

♪ Creepy Halloween