Hal Sparks: Charmageddon (2010) - full transcript

Hal Sparks has been called one of the top five stand-up comedians working today. His smart, straight edge writing and razor-sharp wit are in full force in this jam-packed one hour special.

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome

Hal Sparks!





That's what I'm talking about.


It is, uh...


It is amazing to be here.

You guys are beautiful.
And, it's, uh...

It's great to be here
in Santa Ana. Yeah


As a resident of Los Angeles,

I would like to thank you
for the wind.



For those of you that
aren't familiar,
or you at home,

every year, once a year,
everyone in Santa Ana apparently

exhales all at once...


...and the heat travels north

and sets Los Angeles
on fire, so...

Thanks for adding fire to our
weather reports.


It's been a very exciting year.

I, uh... I... I cut my hair.

Uh, this was...

Yeah... I know, I know.
I grew my hair out
for a couple movies,

and then I cut it
for Locks of Love,
the cancer charity.

-Thank you.
That's very sweet.

Yeah, where were you fuckers

when I had it?
You were so...

don't get it in this culture.

I don't understand it.

You grow your hair out,

and the whole world
becomes your fucking mom.
I don't...

Everybody was, like, "Oh, why?

"Oh, why?
Why would you do that?

"Why would you grow
your hair out?

"You look so cute with
your short hair.

"Why would you grow
your hair out?

"You know what?
I'm just worried that people

"will think you're a bad person.

-"That's why."

Yeah, sure.
Like all those assholes
in history with long hair.

-Like, uh, Jesus...

...and the apostles and God
in every fucking picture
I've ever seen.

You ever seen God
with a flattop?

No, you have not.

Always long, flowing locks,

so fuck off!

And here...

-Here's the weird thing.

Got my long-haired peeps
in the house.

I can see 'em.

And the weird thing is,
you go...

You can shave your head bald,
and it's no problem.

Like, there's some
gleamers here tonight.

I can see. You're blinding me.


And it looks totally stylish.

It is totally in.

You can grow the Van Dyke,
you know?

The little prison pussy.

Mustache-beard combo.

And wear sunglasses,
and it looks bad-ass
and good on you.

But I would like to
remind you...


...that not that long ago,

if you were walking down
the street, and you saw
four bald guys,

and you were any other color
than they were,

you'd walk in traffic
to get away from
those assholes.


"Fuck. When did they get
a permit to march?

"Holy shit."


When I was growing up,
there were only two bald guys
in the whole world.

Ming the Merciless
and Lex Luthor.
They were fuckin' assholes.


Planet killers.

There's only one good guy.

One good guy, Mr. Clean.

Right. Mr. Clean.

-But he was fucking your mom

while your dad was at work,

so he was an asshole, too.
So, fuck Mr. Clean.

I mean, was there ever
a man in those ads?

No. Just a lot of muscles
and winking and...

What are they cleaning up after?

-I'm just saying,
the whole thing

is very suspect.
I don't trust him.

So fuck Mr. Clean and bald.

If I want to grow
my hair out again,
I will, goddamn it.


You know what it is?

Long hair in our culture
is an auto-judgment thing.

People see you, and they assume

things about you immediately,
because you have long hair.

It's like tattoos.
Anybody have tattoos here?


Don't you get the same shit,

darlin', where people go

"Oh, aren't you worried?"


"Aren't you worried
that when you get older,

"your skin's gonna look bad?"

I got news for you, folks.

All skin looks like shit
when you're old.


That's why we lose our eyesight.

It's nature's Photoshop.

It smoothes everything out.


Old people don't mind wrinkles.

They don't fuckin'
see 'em anymore.

[OLD MAN VOICE] You look hot.


Nobody with 20/20 vision
has ever gone,

"You're just as beautiful
as the day I met you, darling."


"Sixty-five wonderful years
we've been together."

"I'm over here."

"You're just as beautiful
as the day I met you, darlin'."


You mark my words.

Lasik is gonna fuck up
more long-term relationships
than anything.


Your grandparents have been
together for 45 years,

and one trip to the mall
for eye surgery...

"Jesus Christ,
you've let yourself go!"


"You look like a catcher's mitt.

"This is fuckin' embarrassing."


"I'm gonna go scare me upa
piece of ass right now, buddy.

"I'll tell you that."


I'm assuming they don't use
that phrase in Santa Ana.

I grew up in Kentucky,
and when I turned 14,

my dad gave me
a piece of advice.

He said "Fourteen, 'bout time

"you go out there
and scare you up
a piece of ass."



Let's break that down, shall we?


"Scare you up."

Like women are quail
hiding in a bush,

waiting to be frightened
into liking you. Boo!


"They got away again."


And "a piece of ass"?

Really? Really, a piece of ass?

Piece of ass
is a horrible thing
to call a woman.

A piece of ass.

Piece of ass sounds
like something an FBI agent
finds in a field.


"Um, Control,
this is Agent Jenkins.

"I've found what appears
to be a, um..."


"That's a piece of ass.

"I'm gonna... Ew...
Flag it and tag it and bag it."



Yeah. Yeah.


Oh, I deliver.
I deliver.

As I said,
I'm originally from Kentucky.


Yeah, don't even fuckin'


It's fun being, you know,
living in L.A., or even
traveling the country,

you know, when people go,
"Hey, where are you
from originally?"

And I go, "Kentucky."

And they go, "Nuh-uh."


Why the fuck
would I make that up?

Why would...

Who pretends
to be from Kentucky?

I'm, like, "Why don't you
believe I'm from Kentucky?"

And they're like,
"'Cause you don't
have a accent."

Well, I've lost my accent.

Actually, that's not true.
That's not true.

I didn't...
I didn't lose my accent.

I took it into an alley
in Chicago, and I shot it
in the fucking head.

I was, like...

"You're not gonna stop me
from getting laid ever again,

"you stupid redneck accent."


Because a Southern accent
on a dude is fucking horrible.

On a woman, it's nice.

Women can pull off
a Southern accent.

Yeah, 'cause it's got that

Georgia peach lilt to it,
you know?

That, "Oh, my God,
how are y'all?"


"This is so fun.
Oh, my God.

"God bless you.

"God bless you.

"This is so great.

"Did you bake
that casserole yourself?

"My goodness.

"Those are some awfully tight
Wranglers you have on."



"Would you like to come in
and have some pie?"

-"Fuck, yeah, I want pie.

"That sounds awesome."

Sexy. Dude with
a Southern accent,

probably the worst thing
a woman can experience
in a singles bar

in her whole fucking life.

Like, "Hey, baby, how you doing?

"I just hitchhiked down here
from the Appalachian mountains

"to abduct some woman
'cause I'm so fucking inbred,

"my family tree looks like
the Olympic rings.

"Get in the truck."

You know?


You know the, uh...


All true stories.

I, uh...

You don't want to...

It was horrible for me
trying to pick up a girl.

I went, "Hey, ladies.
How y'all doing?"


[GRUNTS] Um...

Yeah. You know the real reason
why I lost my accent, though?

You know?
And why you're gonna have to
lose one if you have one, too?

It's 'cause they've
automated 411.



Yeah, you're talking to a robot.

You can't have an accent
and get a fuckin'
number anymore.

This is the future.

You can't be, like,
"For what city and state?"

"I want that Baker place

"down there in Skeeterville."

"For what city and state?"

"I want that Baker place
down there in Skeeterville!"

"For what city and state?"

[SHOUTING] "I want that
Baker place down there in sk...

"Oh, fuck it! I'm walking."



"All I want's a muffin, but..."


I mean, honest to God, I'm...

You know,
I'm not worried about 411.

I'm a grown man,
partially educated.

I can operate a phone book,
you know.

I got... I got an iPhone.

I'm cool, you know?

But, you know,
if they did 411...

You know, technology, man.

If they did 411, you know,

eventually they're gonna do 911,

and you have to be articulate

in a high tension situation.

"Please state your emergency."


"Please state your emergency."

"He's in the house!

"He's in the house!"

"Please state your emergency."

"I'm hiding in the closet!"

"Please state your emergency."

"He's stabbing me with a fork!"

"Please state your emergency."

"I love him!

"He's a good man!

"Don't take him from me
and the kids.

"He just gets this way
when he drinks!

"I love him so much!"

Just..."Hey, hey!

"Y'all kids get out of here.

"Mommy and Daddy
are having a moment.

"Go eat your mac and cheese.

"I'm on the phone!"




It's a true story.
True story.

I got kicked out of the South

for thinking too much.

And, um...


...asking the questions

at all the wrong times,
like, ever.

They're not fans of that.

But I, uh...

You know, the other reason
I got kicked out of the South

is 'cause I don't drink
sweet tea.

Yeah, oh, I know.

Yeah. There's a good reason
why I don't drink sweet tea.

You know, it's 'cause
I'm an adult

and I don't need brown
Kool-Aid, that's why.

'Cause I'm a fucking grown-upand
I can drink something bitter

once in a while without going,

"I need a Jolly Rancher
to swizzle in it.

"It's too bitter."

And while I'm on the subject,

goddamn it.
All right, God...

We have to straighten
this shit out forever.

I only get one shot at this,

so we really need to focus.

All right, for the record,

Starbucks does not sell coffee.

Starbucks sells milkshakes.

That's not coffee
they're selling!

Coffee is that shit
your dad used to drink

by the fucking gallon
so he could stay awake at work

and not fall into the machinery.

And he'd live long enough
to putyou through school.

And he's hold it under
your nosewhen you're nine.

You're like, "Fuck, Dad,
you drink that?

"What is that shit?"

That's coffee.

Anything that is 80% ice cream,

has whip cream on top of it
and caramel syrup,

and the top of the cup
looks like a tit

is a fucking milkshake,
you infant!


They don't even hide it anymore.

"Moomy, moo-moo, moo, moo."

Grow up! Jesus!

"I had to skip lunch
the other day, so I had
a power bar."

You had a candy bar for lunch!

You had a candy bar for lunch.

You had a milkshake
for breakfast.

You drink water out of a bottle

with a nipple on it,
you fucking toddler!

Other than that,
I have no opinion.


[CHUCKLES] I, uh... Yeah.

But my thing is,
I don't drink sweet tea.

But if you do it
and you like it,

knock yourself out.

I'm one of
those people who believes
if you like something

and it doesn't affect me,
you should be allowed
to do it. Right?

You know, so if you drink sweet
tea, knock...

But the problem is, so many
people drink sweet tea
in this culture,

you can't order plain ice tea
anywhere in the country.

Try it. "Hey,
can I get a plain ice tea?"

"You mean unsweetened?"



"I mean plain."

"No, you mean unsweetened."

"No, I mean plain."

"No, you mean unsweetened."
"No, I mean plain,

"'cause there's
no such fucking thing
as unsweetened ice tea!"

What kind of an asshole
sugars a beverage,

and then takes the sugar
back out again?

How do you even do that?

Show me the machine
that unsweetens
the tea, ma'am.

How long's this going to take?

How you... How do you
bitter it back up?

Do you use your personality?

And it's a polysyllabic word.

It has multiple syll...

Who comes up with
a polysyllabic word
to replace "plain"?

It makes...
It goes against
the laws of slang.

You're wasting my fuckin' time.

"Fine, sir.

"Fine, you can have
plain ice tea, whatever.


"Can I get a plain ice tea?

[WHISPERING] "Unsweetened."


"I don't know why."


"I think he's crazy."


"I already pushed the button
for the cops under the thing.

"Just make it.

"I'll keep him busy."


"What size do you want, sir?"

"I don't know.
I'll have a small."

"We don't have small.
We have medium and large."


"No, you don't."

"Yes, we do, sir.
We have medium and large."

"No, you don't.
You have small and large."

"No, we have medium and large."

"No, you have small and large,
'cause you can't have a medium

"unless you have a small
and a fucking large
to base it on,

"you inbred!"

That's what it means!

It's a median point
between two extremes.

It can't exist without
the other two.

It's fucking impossible.



The only way that glass
of ice tea is a medium
is if it can talk to the dead.


So, don't make up words.

Irritates me.

There's another one
that bothers me.

I don't smoke.
I've never smoked
anything in my life.

I don't smoke cigarettes.I
don't smoke pipes, pot, crack,

horse, meth.
I don't freebase.

I'm not going to smoke.
I have no interest in smoking.

I'm never going to smoke.
But, for the record,
I am not a nonsmoker.


You know why
I'm not a nonsmoker?

'Cause I don't believe in
labeling myself based
on shit other people do.

What the fuck is that?

You can't...

I'm... I breathe, you smoke.

End of fucking discussion.

There's no "non" here.

And if there is,
breathing is a primary
activity that we all

have to participate in,
and smoking is a choice.

Therefore, when you're smoking,
you're a non-breather,
so fuck off.

And here's the thing.


I don't want to be mean
to smokers your last ten years
on Earth, but here's...

Sorry, that's how
that shit works.

You quit it, or it quits you.

You know what I'm saying?

You know, I hope
you live a long time,
but here's the thing.

They passed a law
against smoking in bars
and restaurants

down here, haven't they?

Isn't it awesome?


Did everybody piss and moan
for two weeks afterwards?

You know,
"I'm being treated like
a second-class citizen.

"I have rights, too.

"The Constitution
says that I..."


Well, they never
get a law overturned,
'cause they refuse to picket.

"What do you mean
I have to march?"


Since they already
passed the law,

do you mind if I tell
the smokers the truth
about the law?

'Cause they probably use,
like they did in L.A.,

cancer and secondhand smoke
as the reason for the law.

That's usually
the legal reasoning behind it.

Yeah, and just for the record,

the law has nothing
to do with cancer.

Okay, 'cause nobody gives a
shitabout cancer in this society.

Not the way they should.

Nobody's thinking long-term.

I mean, have you been
to a food court lately?

Have you seen the shit people
are shoveling into their
fucking faces?

Have you read the back
of a bag of chips recently?

It should just say Cool Ranch
Tumors on the back.

Nobody is thinking long-term
about their health
the way they should.

Not enough to pass a law.

Anyways, it's not
secondhand smoke we care about.

It's secondhand stink.

You fuckers smell.

And somebody needs to tell you.

And the rest of us
had to pass a law

'cause we were just sick
and tired of coming home
from a club

and having to bury
our fucking clothes
in a garbage bag

in the backyard filled
with dryer sheets and Febreze
and potpourri,

and cedar chips,
so the smell wouldn't
crawl up our nose

in the middle of the night
and lay eggs in our brain.

You reek!

You stink!

And apparently,
it's news to you,

'cause what's the first thing
that goes on a smoker?

Their sense of smell.

Well, how fucking
convenient for you.


I love when a smoker
comes up to me.

"Hey, man, can you tell
I just had a cigarette?"

"Can you tell
I just shit in my pants?

"Yes! Yes, everybody knows.

"You stink, Pigpen."

So, I'm not a nonsmoker
and I don't drink
unsweetened ice tea.

I don't make up fuckin' words.

One that really
bugs the shit out of me,

they just had a news report
that the "date rape drug"
is on the rise again.

The "date rape drug"?
What a softened...

What, yay for date rape?

Who claps...

Nice job, Santa Ana.


How did that happen?


I'm about to ruin your night.

The date rape drug is retarded.

There's no such thing
as date rape.

It's the rape drug.

M'kay? She's unconscious.

Once the raping starts,
date's over.


It's like saying,
"It was a party murder, man.

"Great party until the machetes
came out.

"Then, hey, this party sucks."

"It's a tickle robbery.
You were laughing."

Doesn't mean you get to keep
my wallet, fuck-o.


If I take this mic stand
and I bash a woman over
the head with it,

then I have sex with her unconscious
body, is this the date rape mic stand?

No! It's a fucking club!


Don't make up words.


It's one in particular
that bothers me.

I mean, you know,
and I apologize

if this next oneis a bit
coarse for some of you.



Someone who knows what
"coarse" means, that's lovely.

The elderly are among us.


By the way,
if this next joke makes...

You know, there's
an older person near you

and you're afraid
to laugh at it because,

there's an old person
with gray hair near you.

And you're like,
"Oh, [MUMBLES] Grandma."

Just remember,
they're out for the evening,
so odds are,

they're late 60s
at the absolute out.

Which means
that they were
in their 30s in the '70s.

And you know what happened then.

♪ Bow chick-a wow wow
chick-a wow chick-a bow ♪

So don't let them fucking
scare you into behaving.

Why do old people get a pass
and people shit on babies?

This I don't understand.

This is off-track,
but who gives a fuck?

I don't understand old people...

"I don't understand e-mail."You
understood when typewriters,

if you typed too fast,
the hammers all got stuck.

You figured that shit out.

You can figure out e-mail.

Don't give old people a pass.

They've seen everything.
They have too much information.

But then people shit on babies.

"I was on a plane
when this fucking crying baby,

"this baby was crying
all the time."

Of course it was crying.

It can't talk yet.

Doesn't understand

It doesn't understand
that it's head isn't actually
going to explode.

It doesn't know that it
can hold its nose and blow
and that feeling will go away.

So it tries to communicate
its discomfort in the only way
it knows how.


And you'd do
the same fucking thing.

Let's cut your tongue out,
stick your head in a vice,

see what kind of
fun noises you make.


"I think he's hungry."

So I apologize
if this next one is
a bit coarse for some of you,

but I think it needs to be said.

I disagree vehemently
with the use of the word
"pussy," yeah,

to describe a weak person.



Because the vagina
is the tougher
of the two genitals.


By a long shot.

It's not even close, folks.

Just think about
that analogy for a second.

It can pass something
500 times its size through it

and retain its elasticity.

Yeah, try that with
your dick sometime, guys.

Yeah, it'll look like
a wind sock

and it will never go back

to its original shape ever.


"I had a baby last year."


If you had twins,

your dick would look like
one of those things outside
a car dealership.

Pussies are tough.

You can pound on one for hours.

Like, "More, what do you got?
You got an hour? I got two.

"You got two hours, I got four.
You got four hours, I got six.

"Bring it, big boy.
What do you got?"

"I'm done. I'm done."
"That's all you got?"

"I'm trying my best.
I really am trying."

It bleeds every month
and it won't die.

It's like the Predator
or something.

"What the hell are you?"

"What the hell are you?"


"Get to the chopper!"



Pussies are invincible.

I know, I've checked.

Meanwhile, what do we say

about a dude if we want to say
that he's tough?

"Fuck, dude, that guy's got
balls, bro.

"Dude, man, you want to be
that tough, you better
have some

"big, fucking cojones, buddy.

"You better have some giant
huevos, you going to be
that tough, man.

"That dude's so tough,
he probably has to carry
his balls around

"in a wheelbarrow,
he's so tough."

Balls are the weakest
part of me.

Nothing but nerve endings.

They have no natural defenses
except to hide inside me

like the cowards that they are.



[HIGH-PITCHED] "I'm scared.

"The pool is cold.

"The pool is freezing.

"Could I possibly get smaller?

"The pool is so cold."

You don't even have
to have good aim to hit them.

My legs will guide you in
like bumper pool.

It's the worst design flaw
in nature.

A six-year-old with pointy shoes

can shut me off
like a fuckin' light.


You've been saying
those phrases backwards.

Now stop it.


Now, when you watch the MMA,

just go, "Those guys
are fuckingpussies, man."

Take a beating,
bleed all over the place,

and ready for all comers.

You know what I'm saying?
Those guys are tough.

Whereas if you were
in a bar fight

who would you want to
fight the most?

The guy with
the giant distended testicles.

"Leave me alone."



I've put a lot of thought
into this.

You can't...

It's what I do for a living.

It's what I do for a pastime,

it's what I do for a hobby,
it's what I do all the time.

I don't drink either.

Like I said, I don't smoke
and I don't drink.

I've never had an alcoholic
beverage in my life.

I've never drank...

And the audience goes silent.

You freaked out to that more
than the date rape guy.

What the fuck?


I don't drink.

I have no interest in
drinking, okay?

But I'm one of the good guys.

I have no judgment about it.

You know, if you want to...

I've driven a lot of
people home safely.

I've held a lot of hair,
you know, so...



Which reminds me,

bald guys must really
have to be able to hold
their liquor

'cause there's nothing to grip.
You're like, "Dude, fuck,
your head's sweaty.

"I'm losing you.
I got nothing to grip, man,
I got nothing."

Bloop! "Oh, his head's
in the bowl."


"Fuck that, you get him out.
He's your brother.

"Those are chili fries."


Yeah, oh.

You know, the shit you eat
when you're drunk.

I've driven you there.

There's like a part of
a drunk's brain that kicks in
at some point,

where it just goes to
lizard brain

and all you're thinking about is

"Bready, cheesy,
bready, cheesy, greasy,

"bready, cheesy, cheesy bread.

"Bready, cheesy, fucking cheesy,

"bready, bready cheese."

[SLURRING] "I don't
want to puke. I have nothing.

"I want puke
and stuff with puke in it.

"Bready, cheesy, cheesy
cheesy bread."

I don't drink, you know.

My friend Dan always
bugs me about it

'cause, you know,
somebody will offer me
a beer or something,

and I'll go, "No, thanks,
I don't drink,"

and he'll always lean in
and go, "Never say never."


"Never say never."

I go, "I'm never going
to fuck your mom."

Shuts those assholes right up.

I probably would have drank,
you know, like,
in the Dark Ages,

you know, when drinking
was like white man's peyote,

and the Scotch
and the Irish used it as
a rite of passage...

[IRISH ACCENT] "Tonight, son,
under the harvest moon,

"you drink nine pints
of ale, boy,

"and then you'll go
out onto the moors
and you'll smack a wolf,

"and that's how we know you're
a man in the McHenry clan."

"But, Pop, I can't
drink more than five."

"Get the other four down, son!

"You'll need your strength

"to smack the wolf
under the harvest moon."

Now, not so much.

Now drinking has basically

devolved into light beer
and these big fruity,
fucking girl drinks

that everybody's drinking.

Ladies are wandering
around parties with tumblers
of this shit

with the crazy straw
coming out...

"This is wonderful!

"It's delicious!

"Oh, it tastes like blueberries!


"It's awesome! [SLURPS]

"I can't even taste the alcohol.


"Where are my pants?

"Where are they?"

I need to roofie myself,

thank you very much.


I don't drink.
I've never done drugs, either,

'cause I'm fucking weird enough.

Um, yeah.

Um, yeah, I just
have no interest or whatever.

I do think pot should
be legal, though.


Yeah, you know, I don't do it,

but I understand it should
be legal, you know.

And the reason I want it
to be legal is...

They're stoned already.

They're stoned.
They're stoned right here.

Which is okay.

The reason I want it legal
is 'cause I want hemp.

You know?
I want hemp
'cause it's a great crop.

You can grow it anywhere,
you can replace stuff with it.

You can make fuel and lip gloss.

You can make anything
out of hemp, it's amazing.

But they won't let it
get through because
they're afraid

that, you know, it's such
a close cousin to pot

the potheads will sneak
their pot plants into
the hemp fields

and grow them illicitly.

Like potheads need to wander
around a fucking hemp field

trying to figure out
which plants are theirs.


"We're gonna be late
for Burning Man!

"This is bullshit!"

But you know, arguably,

I mean, I do understandthat
conservatives tend to think

that, you know, like,
it does sound like
a big pot fantasy.

Like a bunch of guys
in a basement sitting
around going...



"You know what I want?"


"Pot shoes and a pot shirt!

"And I want pot lip gloss

"and a pot hat.

"I want a... Oh."


"I want a pot car

"that runs on pot

"and has pot tires

"and pot seats,

"and I want to drive it
to my big pot house."

They do have hemp
building materials.

You can actually compress
hemp fibers together
strong enough

to replace two-by-fours.

You don't have to
cut down trees,

it's a completely
renewable thing,

and if they did manage
to sneak some pot in,

it would really spice up those

post house fire interviews
on the news

that we always have to
watch, you know?

Instead of some guy going,
"We lost our baby pictures,"

they'd be naked on the lawn
going... [MOUTHING]

"Give me a hug, camera guy.

"Come here.
Give a hug, camera guy.

"Come on, Action News,
I love you guys.

"This is awesome.


"There's waffles.

"Who wants waffles?

"Let's go for waffles."


Pot is a safer drug
than alcohol.

I think that's clear,

you know what I mean?

Not a violent drug.

You know, you get hit
by a drunk driver,
you're fucking dead.

You get hit by a guy
who's high on pot,

he's only going
five miles an hour.


"Dude, put your foot
on the fucking brake,
Dave. God!

"It's the long one
on the right, asshole."

[LAUGHS] "I'm sorry.

"I was, like...

"I was changing playlists.

"I wasn't even paying attention.



I am, uh... Yeah.

I love technology, though.

I'm kind of a modern...

Like, to me, all that behavior
seems like past behavior,

and, like, the future is now.

Like, I can't tell you

how much I love technology.

'Cause does anyone remember

how to have a relationship
without texting? Anybody?

What the fuck did we do,
smoke signals?

How the fuck...

I have no idea how to maintain

a relationship without texting,
you know?

Especially sexting, which,


It's officially the best.

Yeah, for the elderly people.

It's where you get to,

you know,
send your significant other
a little sexy message

while they're at work, you know?

A little, "When you get home,
you're gonna get a little

"googly-googly-goo, you know?"

And then they're at work...


"Hold on a second.
I got a text message.
One second."


"Excuse me one second."

Gotta love it.

I think it's so great.

'Cause it's, you know,
it's really the modern erotica.

You know, we used to read
erotic novels and stuff

to excite ourselves,
and now we can actually
cowrite erotica,

with our partner, live.
I mean, that's a special thing,

you know?

And it's great, you know?

It's got pacing to it,
you have to keep up the pace.

You have to be creative.
You can't use the same words
over and over again.

You know, you can't stop
in the middle, ladies.


Don't stop in the middle.I
don't need that kind of worry.

"When you get home,
you're gonna get it so hard."

And then nothing
for ten minutes.

You're like, "Fuck,
what'd I say, what'd I say?

"I didn't mean bad hard.

"I mean, I meant nice hard.
Like la-la hard.

"Like, remember the other night

"you were, like, 'Harder,'and
I was, like, 'Yeah, harder.'

"And then we talked in the
kitchen afterwards,

"and you were, like,
'I liked it when
you went harder,'

"and you were, like,
'Good, I'll do that
more often.'

"Remember? That hard.
Kind of I-love-you hard.

"I mean, it's good hard."

[SOBBING] "Where have you gone?

"Where is our relationship?

"Who are you? Who am I?"


"'I was in the bathroom.'

"Fuck you, you were in
the bathroom.

"Tell me next time.

"Give me a BRB, at least,
you know?"

We got some master texters

right up here in front.

That means "Be right back."

Yeah... I will admit
that, sometimes,

because I know I have
to keep the pace going,

I will sometimes sext
while I'm driving.

Yes, which is illegal
in this state

and also very dangerous.

Not just physically,

but also to the relationship.

Because autofill...

Autofill is not your friend

when you're using dirty words.

And you have to be very careful

to check what you're
about to say before
you hit send.

You can't just go, "I can't wait

"to sticky move
love missile in
your puppy." Send.

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no...



Where the fuck did it get
"puppy" from that?

Why does that key have four
letters and all the others
have three?

You're just worried
she'll send back,

"Mmm. Dot-dot-dot."

Oh, no! She likes it. Ew.

I'm always afraid
I'm gonna die
in a car accident

while I'm sexting.

Yeah... No, bad.

And then the cop's
gonna pull the phone

out of my dead
fucking hand and go,

"See what this asshole
was doing right before
he died.

"Ah! Puppy-fucker!

"Dead puppy-fucker.

"Bury him where he lays.

"He's a sick,
disgusting puppy-fucker.

"That is disgusting.

"And get his girlfriend, too.

"Look, she's into it.
Look at that.

"Four M's and three dots.

"That means she likes it."

That is the proper response
to a sext, is it not?

Four M's and three dots?

"Mmmm," with a little
"Mmmm, later," you know?

Personally, I prefer three
N's two F's and three dots.


You know what I mean?


It puts a little
meat on the bone,
you know what I mean?

Like, 'cause "Mmmm..."
can be anything.

"Mmmm, that's a lovely blouse."

"Mmmm, that casserole
was delicious."

But, "nnnff."
You know where the fuck
that comes from, you know?

That's the noise you made
the day after fucking all night

where you're like "Nnnff, oh."

"What is it?"
"I'm fine. I'm fine, just leave
me alone for a second.

"I need to go into
the break room alone."

We have it easy in this culture.

You know, some people bitch
about their technology,

but we have it
fuckin' easy, man.

A couple hundred years ago,

if you wanted to have
a sexy conversation
with somebody,

if they lived 60 miles away,

that was a two-day trip
through some fucked-up woods
on horseback.

If you wanted to send them
a sexy message,

you had to make
your own fucking paper.

Out of pulp or some shit

and then you'd
have to make your ink

out of boysenberries,
and pig fat,

and water and mix it yourself.

Then you'd have to kill a bird

with your bare hands,
pluck a feather off,

cut it and make a quill
just so you could write,

"Milady, I doth want to
bang thee like a kettledrum."

And then you'd roll it up,
stick it in a tube,

give it to some asshole
on horseback.

And he'd have to ride
for two days,

dodging arrows,
eating weebles and just...

Get to the other castle.

"A message for the queen."

And then,
he'd run up 19 flights
of fucking stairs,

and give her the scroll
and she'd unroll it.

Then she'd have to make
her own fucking paper
and add some raspberries

and pig fat and water.

And kill a bird
and cut a quill just
to write, "Mmmm..."

And then roll it up,
stick it in...

Get a room.

Count your blessings.

All I'm saying is
the Amish are assholes,

so enjoy your phone.


It should be abundantly clear,
at this point, by the way,

that I am not
one of these people

who will tell you
that men and women
are different.

Yeah, you know, "Okay, guys,

"we like tools and tractors,
am I right?

"And women like shoes

"and shopping
and we're just different."

Fuck off.

Yeah, everybody in here,
male, female

or any combination of the two...


WOMAN: Whoo!

They're here among us
and they deserve our love.



Everybody in here is capable
of the entire spectrum

of human emotion
and capability, everybody.

Because right now,
there is a woman
in Rwanda

with a machine gun in one hand
and a baby in the other,

mowing motherfuckers down
with a steely mama bear
gaze in her eye.

And there's a guy
in an apartment

in upstate New York
trying to kill a spider
in a bathroom

with a rolled-up newspaper,
without shitting his pants.


"Dana, call the cops.


You don't get any points
for being male or female
in my book.

Everything is merit-based.



I'm not married.



And I don't think I shall
be.I'm not really interested in it.

I like the idea of pair-bonding,

but I don't necessarily think
I'll get married at any point.

You know? And I think
everybody should have
the right to get married.

I do believe that's true, yeah.

You know, I think gay people

should have the right
to get married.

I mean, 'cause mainly, yeah,
because the argument against it

is probably the dumbest argument

I've ever heard against
anything in my life,

which is basically...


"Well, you can't
have gay marriage.

"That will ruin
heterosexual marriage."


Look, uh, the only way
that gay marriage
could ruin

your heterosexual marriage
is if you're gay.

That's the only way
it could break you up.

If it was a new optionyou'd
like to take advantage of.

Were you really standing there
on your wedding day going,

"John, do you take Maryto
be your lawfully wedded wife,

"to have and to hold..."

"Hold on a second, Reverend,
one second.

"Um, is Craig
available or, um..."

"No, that's illegal."

"Oh, okay, well,
then let's get on with this.

"I'm trying to run for office."

So, um...


Everybody should
have the right to do it.

You know, personally for me,
I believe in long-term

pair-bonding and all that
stuff, but I don't think...

I think marriage has outlived
its usefulness, actually.

I, I... Yeah. Right.

Form a double lineafter
the show right over there.

All right, um...

No, I, I really do.

You know, 'cause marriage
actually did have
a point at one...

You know, it was
actually designed for
a very specific purpose.

It was inbreeding insurance.

That's what it was for,
you know?

I'm from Kentucky, remember.

This is something
I know a lot about.

But, you know, we used to...
There was a time,

you know,
when we lived in
little tribes about this size,

gathered around one cave.

And we knew nothing about
inbreeding and genetics

and any of that stuff.

And all we did all the time
was hunt, gather,
run from monsters

and fuck.
That's all we did.

That was our whole weekend.

That was our whole week.

That was your job.
That was your life.

Just, "Monster!"


Berries, don't eat
those berries again,
and fucking.

And that's all we did.

That was it.
That was everything.

But now, you know...

Eventually, what happened was,

three of the smartest guys
in town got together

and were standing there
watching everything
and going...

By the way, those three guys

later became the church and thenthe
government, because that's how authority grows.

They were all
standing around going,

"We got a lot of
weird-looking fuckin' kids

"running around here."

"I mean, that one
can swim like a motherfucker,

"but I don't think..."

"I don't think
that's a good idea.

"Hey, everybody,
can you do me a favor?

"Can everybody stop fucking
for one second?

"We want to have a meeting.

"Just for one second.
Give us a break.

"Um, okay,
can you do me a favor?

"Uh, before you guys fuck
anybody, can you come see us?

"Just check in with us.

"'Cause we're going
to keep a list of
who's fucking who,

"and we'll call it 'The Begats,'


You know, "And Ezekiel begat
Bethany, and Bethany begat
Nebuchadnezzar and..."

That's what The Begats were.
They were big lists of
who was fucking who.

And that way if you want to fucksomebody, you
just come see us and go, "Can I fuck her?"

"No, she's your sister.

"You can fuck anybody
in column B
or column C."

And arranged marriages
were just for people
who were too stupid

to fucking figure it out.

Like, "I don't know
who to fuck."

"Come here, we'll show you.
Come on over here."


You guys are fun.

This is totally off topic,
but, uh...

Am I the only person here who,
when they're driving,
is afraid of a plastic bag?


I know it's stupid, I know.

I'm in 6,000 pounds of steel
and glass and plastic
and gasoline,

and a fucking grocery bag
is scaring the shit out of me.


Get the fuck away from me.
What is wrong?


It's like the jellyfish
of death or something.

You ever have one
catch up to you?

Jesus Christ!


What kind of propulsion
is this thing using?

And it goes under
somebody else's car.


Goes under your car.

Do you smell plastic burning?

I smell plastic burning.

All right.



After the marriage stuff,
I had to get you guys
back on my side.

It's a tough conversation
to have, you know?

Especially in this culture,
because women have been

bullshitted in this culture
into thinking that,
you know,

they only have one day
out of their life that
they matter, you know?

The wedding day.

That fucking
have you seen that stuff?

"This is my day!"


Can't mess with it.

And the weird thing is,
that day, as we celebrate it
in the West anyways,

is all based on when dudes
used to sell their daughters
to other dudes.

Like all the traditional stuff
you really want on
your wedding day...

The ring is actually
representative of the dowry.

It's like a price tag.

Do you know why, ladies,
do you know why you're not
supposed to see the groom

on the wedding day?

You know where that comes from?

It's 'cause back then,
you never had.

You'd never seen this fucker
in your life.

And if you saw him
before the deal was sealed,
you'd go,

"Fuck, that guy? No way."

And you'd run away, you know?

And that's why we have
a train on your dress,
so we can step

on the fucking thing and...

"Come back here.
I need that land."


And it wasn't any better
for the dudes, either.

You know why it's traditional
to wear a veil?

You know where that comes from?

It's 'cause back then,
you didn't even know
which daughter

you were getting
until you said, "I do."

It was the biggest gamble
of your fucking life.

It's like, "Hey, on, coming on,
daughter number three.

"Give me daughter number three.

"Come on, daughter number
three.Give me daughter number three.

"Daughter number three, hey-oh.

"Daughter number three,
come on, daughter number three.

"And poof, daughter number five.Fuck, man!"

Daughter number five?

What the fuck?

She goes to market all the time!


Some of you go to market
all the time, that's good.

It's not an easy place to
preserve your virginity.

Virginity was...
You know, the white
wedding dress and virginity,

that was just...

That just said you were
fresh off the factory floor.

That just meant you were new.
You know what I mean?

You know, you were
more expensive, basically.

Like, "This one's fresh off the
factory floor, so I can...

"It's going to be
a little extra.

"This one,
I can cut you a deal."

"Kind of a, you know,
zero financing, certified
pre-owned situation.

"This one's top dollar."

And virginity is kind of
an obnoxious concept
to begin with.

Because, as a species,
we don't survive
if we stick to that.

You know what I mean?
It doesn't work
and keep us alive.

It doesn't make sense.

And, first of all, guys,
can we settle this
once and for all?

You don't save yourself
for the one.

You practice for the one.


Work on it!
Get it right.
Get some skill!

There are 6.5 billion people
on the earth and you manage
to find the one,

you better have some
fucking skill to keep
them around.

You know what I mean?

You can let them get bored.
They're the one!

If they get away, you're fucked.

I'm just saying that, you know,
virginity's gone in a second,

but fellatio lasts a lifetime.
You know?




Now you see why I'm not married?

All right.


But, you know,
I don't think the sexes
are that different.

I think the difference between
the sexes largely boils down to

a very simple plumbing issue.

Very minor plumbing issue.

In that, in the
reproductive act, women receive
someone into their body.

And to do that,
which is a touchy thing,
they just need a little time.

They need a little time
to think it over,
make sure it's cool,

make sure you're the right one
for the kind of activity.

They just need to think it over.

They need, apparently,
somewhere between
seven hours and three weeks...



That's not my record,
by the way.

That is the statistical average
on how long it takes a woman

to decide it's okay for you
to fuck her.

Seven hours to three weeks.


It's basically like two
and a half dates
or three weeks of Twitter.

And my point is,
ladies, take all
the time you want,

is what I'm saying.

Honest to God.
Take all the time
you want. I get it.

Because, guys,
if it was reversed,
and we were the ones

who got pregnant
because women had
a giant tentacle

that came out of the top
of their head, that had
a pulsating egg sack

on the end of it, and we got
pregnant 'cause they shoved it
in a hole in the back

of our neck
and it hurt at first,
but it felt good later,

and sometimes it was too big,
and sometimes it was too small,

and some knew how to use it
and some didn't,

and you could get sick
or knocked up,

Every fucking guy in here
would be dancing at a club

with his back to a circle
of other dudes.


Protecting his neck
at all costs,
and every woman would be

banging her fucking egg sack
up against his trying to get us

to go out to the parking lot
and rub on it.


"What's you fucking problem?
Just touch it, you prude."

Women have every bit
the sex drive as men.

They just need that
waiting period to
make sure it's all right.

Because also, in this culture,
they've also been, you know...

Women often are concerned
that if they sex with
a guy too quickly

he won't respect them.

There's a logic problem in that.

Because that's based
on the self-esteem
of the dude involved.

It goes like this.

If I think I'm a piece of shit,
and you fuck me right away,

then I think you'll fuck
any piece of shit
who comes along.

So you must be a ho.



But if I think I'm awesome,
which of course I am,
and you fuck me right away,

I think that shows taste
and breeding on your part.

That's a woman
who knows how to pick 'em.

I respect that.


Not all black-and-white, kids.

You can play in the gray areas
a little bit.

That's where the fun begins.

And, you know,
I can prove to you
that women have every bit

the sex drive that men do.

I mean, look at the bachelor
versus bachelorette party,
once all bets are off.

Women are in it to win it.

'Cause everybody thinks
the bachelor party
is the crazy one.

They think it's, you know,
guys going...

"We have fire trucks and guns
and hookers and blow.

"I woke up in Tijuana.

"I don't remember shit.
I think we sold Dave.

"I don't even remember."
You know?


It's not. That's bullshit.

It's seven guys at a strip club
acting like they're at church.

"Here, this is for you.


"This is for you, pretty lady.
I'm a-scared.

"I don't want to dance.
My friend wants to dance.

"It's his party.
I don't want to dance.

"I'll get in trouble.
You can have that.

"I'm scared."

Women at a strip club are like
"This place is great.

"I love this place.
This is awesome.

"Oh, my God!
This is so fun.

"Dana, Dana.

"Dana. Dana.


"I love you, girl.

"I love you.

"I'm sorry, sir.
Excuse me, one second.

"I have to talk to my friend.
It's so..."



Women are fearless
in those situations.

Sex shops are built for women.

Women go to sex shops
in groups of 12.

Talk about hunting
and gathering.

They pull out a fucking cartand
walk down the aisle. Just...


"This one matches my comforter."

Just buy everything
in the store fearlessly.

Because they have more room
to move socially.

Because the assumption
that they're undersexed,
so they've got more...

Women's sexuality,
it's kind of like holding
a beach ball underwater.

You know, if you take
your hand off, it doesn't
float calmly to the surface.

It explodes out of the water
and everyone gets wet.




I was captain of the analogy
team in high school, so, um...


Yeah, women can act out
in those places.

Guys, because it's assumed
that we are oversexed,
which is not necessarily true,

but it's assumed that way,
all we're allowed to do
in a sex shop

is walk around, point at shit
and pretend not to be
interested and laugh.


"Look at this fucking thing."


"Wo would buy one of them?"


"No, I wouldn't get one.

"I'm just saying,
this is fucking..."


'Cause all we're thinking is,
"Where the fuck would
I hide that?"

No one can ever find that
in my home, ever.


Because of that double
standard, you know?

Because if a guy found
a woman's stash of said items
in the shoebox under the bed

or the hatbox up in the closet,

little duck next to the tub
with the button on it...

I know where they are by the
looks on your faces.


A dude would be excited.
He'd be like, "Fuck,
Dana is down.

"This is awesome.

"I love Dana.

"I think she's beautiful.

"I think she's the one."

You know?

But if a woman found the male equivalent of
said itemin her boyfriend's nightstand...

[GASPS] "Oh" is right.

She'd be on the phone
to her fucking mom
in a heartbeat.

"Oh, my God, Mom,
you would not believe
what he has.

"It's disgusting.
It's sick.

"It's just a piece of a woman,
that's all it is.

"It's just a piece of a woman.
It's hideous.

"I'm pretty sure
he's a serial killer.

"I'm fairly certain
he's a serial killer.

"Yeah. No,
I already called the FBI.

"Yeah. I'm in
a woman's shelter right now."


"Yeah, just bring me a wig
and some sunglasses.

[CRYING] "I'm getting
out of here 'cause I don't
know him anymore!

"He's not the man I love!

"And he's just objectifying
a woman with that thing.

"That's what he's doing.He's
just objectifying a woman."

Yeah, meanwhile,
this is not objectification?


Shame on you. No.

No, no, no, no.


'Cause those things aren't fair!

There's no way
I can compete with that.


Look, I... Look, ladies,
I get the e-mails.

I know there are ways to
make itlonger and wider.

I get that, I hear you.

But nothing,
nothing will ever give me
Medusa-like control over

the head of my penis,
like I'm a snake charmer
from India.


You're setting the bar too high.


If you're disappointed,
it's your own goddamn fault.

Those things are ridiculous.

If you ever saw a guy
and his junk actually
looked like

one of those things, the
yellow and orange camouflage

and the Tic Tacs in the middle
and the weird control surface,

and alien antenna
and the Hello Kitty sticker
on the side,

you'd call the cops
and have him quarantined.

I'm not putting Tic Tacs
on my dick for anybody.

No one needs
fresh breath that bad.

All right, um...




They should make
those things go...




Sick of being objectified.

That's what I wanted to say.
I'm just sick of
being objectified.

There, I said it.


All joking aside,
I will say that I do
believe that, uh,

women get objectified
in our culture.

I do believe that is true.

But I also think that, ladies,

you participate 50%
in your objectification.

You are equal partners in it,
you know?

Technically speaking, I'm not making a
judgment call, by the way, this is empirically.

Anytime you take
your sexuality, or,
very specifically, your punani,

and you put it up on a shelf
and say

"You can't get that
until you do certain things,"

technically speaking,
that's objectification.

You know what I mean?
It's just... I'm not saying
it's wrong,

I'm just saying you basically
created a big game of
"Vagina Says," so, you know...

"Vagina says
take me out to dinner."

"Okay, I'll take you
out to dinner."

"Vagina says take me
to the movies."

"Okay, I'll take you
to the movies."

"Touch my boobs."
"All right."

"You're out."

"Vagina didn't say."
"Fuck, man!"


Start all the way
over here again.

Hate that game.


Although I am pretty good at it.


Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You ever been having sex
and you're like, "I'm amazing."

No? Just me?

Sad for you. I, uh...

I mean,
we all have our on days
and our off days.

But, you know, those times
when you're like, "Fuck,
I'm really good at this.

"I could go pro or something.

"This is impressive.

"Just wish there was
someone else
here to see it."

Joke. Relax.


I am looking forward
to my sexual peak though,
which is coming.

No pun intended.


Yeah, and don't get nervous,
front row.

That's not how the show ends.

That would be...
That would be
really wrong of me.

"What kind of
Gallagher bullshit is this?

"Why didn't I see 'bring
a tarp'on the ticket?"


And I know some of you
are like,"Wait a second.

"Sexual peak?

"Hang on, what?

"How old does this asshole
think he is?"

That's because you as a culture
have also been bullshitted

into thinking that a man's
sexual peak happens

between the ages of 18 and 22,
which is bullshit.

'Cause that's just based on
volume and repetition.

Which is a low standard
of quality, ladies.

Just 'cause something is cheap
and frequent and easy to get

doesn't mean it has
any quality to it, you know?

Just ask anybody who shops
at Costco or Walmart,
you know.

Like, when you get, you know,
older, you get some skill.

When you're 18 to 22,
it's like you have
a brand-new Uzi

and you have no idea
how to use it.
You just...




"I can't find the safety!"


"Mom, get out of here!"



If you hit the target
in those circumstances,
you get no points.

'Cause it was an accident
and you can't repeat it.

And that's not skill.
Now I'm like this.











You're welcome.

Thank you guys so much.



Wow. You guys are great.

Thank you so much.


♪ And you can't hear it

♪ If it isn't on my station

♪ The doctor's afraid

♪ That you'll no longer be

♪ His patient, patient...