Haker (2002) - full transcript

Two unlikely high-school friends share a common passion for computer hacking. Problems arise when their abilities are noticed by a group of gangsters.

Watch Movies, Series & LiveTV

They're showing something new
at our cinema at eight. Wanna go?

OK. Whose treat?

Whoever loses.

- They met in Matrix.
- Neo, Trinity and Morpheus.

And what size is your idol,
Nicholas Cage?

You bastard! 8MM.

And how much time does he need?

Only 60 seconds.
Who is Zed?

Zed's dead, baby. Zed is dead!
Game over.

Son, your punishment is to watch
Pulp Fiction 20 times on DVD...

And buy us 2 tickets to the movies.

At least I'm not a poor dude!

A bucket of popcorn and
a barrel of Coke, please.

Hi. Sorry for being late,

A client's hard disk crashed
and it took me a while.

And you made a ton of money again?

I pulled in 200, it's my
treat for pizza after the movie.

With me you could make that much
in a sec if you only wanted to.

Knock it off. You know that's not me.
I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

I guarantee you'll sleep just fine...

in a cool pad... and with
a different chick every day.

Get real, you know that's not me.

- Girls don't hurl themselves at me.
- They will when you're loaded.


Production Designer

Executive Producer

Good morning, Mr. Linda.

Sonny, God damn it,
I told you not to call me that!

Hello... oh, hi there! Aha, alright,
I'll turn it on. On which channel?


It's not my fault you
look so much like him...


So what? Who cares if Mateo Canetti,
the big fashion guru...

that's nothing new.
Bye... talk to you later.


- Hi, Dad.
- Hi... and bye.

- Water the plants.
- Yes, Mother.

Oh, you!

Written by

Based on the story
and idea of

Director of Photography

Boarding School No 11

Produced by

If I'd dropped so many chips in Vegas
they'd take me home in a stretch limo.

A little class, you fuck!

Directed by

- Faster, guys.
- It won't go in!

Hold the teddy.

God, it's big.

You'll have to take your bra off.

The best there is, the best of all,
Is making out... in a toilet stall.

No other place is quite as tight,
To get it on all day and night.

It's hot, it's hot,
it's Johnny-On-The-Spot. Ole!

I thought you knew what you're doing.
I especially wear this push-up thing!

Wanna join us?

Faster, guys,
it's gonna start any minute.

What do you expect.
He's never undone a bra before.

- It's pretty obvious. Ouch...
- Sorry

Make room for the expert, Mac!

Put on your earphone.

Hold the bear close to you,
and watch out for his tail.

- Tail?
- It's the antenna.



I'll be bangin' her
next week at the latest.

- Hey man! Don't do that to me.
- Not you, dude. Her!


You've really got issues, bro.
Is it the first time you saw tits?

You know what?
You're out of line.

Wait a sec. If you give me a hand
at hacking, I'll pass you the bone on

...how to make Laura come on to you.
- No.

She's just after the bank. She'll do
it with the one who has a big wad.

Don't say that!
I'm sure she's not like that.

Wanna make a bet?
If you do everything that I say,

Laura will be yours in
5 days - at the latest.

You're fucked up,
d'you know that?

- Wanna bet or not? Well?
- For what?

- And if I win, she's mine.
- And if you lose?

I'll donate a year's
pocket money to your orphanage.


- OK... and she'll be yours.
- It's a deal!

So, for 5 days you're my hacker,

But after that... she will be yours.

This is your seat, dear.

My beloved, dear children-
in the name of our school board

I would like to welcome you
to your graduation exams.

I would also like to warmly welcome
one of our most senior teachers,

Mr Hearing-Aiderman -
accompanied today by his wife

- who traditionally holds a vigil over
our exams in the name of our patrons.

Please pay attention now, I shall
start to dictate your assignment.

Solve the following equation:

- Three times...
- Three times...

- Open bracket...
- The natural logarithm...

- Of the integer, two...
- Minus...

- The natural logarithm of "x..."
- Close bracket...

The whole bracket to the power of 2.

Close bracket, close bracket-
minus seven-equals zero. OK?

Lookin' hot there, fly girl!

Mom, I told you not to call me.

Yes, I know the flowers
are very important.

Mom, we don't live in the Sahara
to water them every 15 minutes.

I'm giving you the solution now...

Three times - open bracket - natural
logarithm of two, squared -

minus 2 times the natural logarithm of
2 - times the natural logarithm of x.

- Repeat after "logarithm", Marcin.
- Don't call me by my name!

Very well. Very well.

Open bracket-the natural logarithm
of two, squared...

- Two times the natural logarithm...
- Charles!

Have you ever seen...
heard... anything like this?

The logarithm of "x" plus logarithm
of "x" squared, close bracket.

Marcin! My dear boy! Good.
Very good!

Yes, that's my best pupil in grade
eleven, Makowski.

Hello Marcin - can you hear me?

What on earth are you saying?

Just don't mess up, OK?

in advance for acing your finals.

Careful with the teddy bear.

Hello, Makowski, can you hear me?

I don't know where you're hiding,
but you're history.

My hearing aid!

We're waiting, Makowski.

I forgot.

Then forget as well that you ever
attended this school. Well... who?


Your colleague
just sentenced himself.

This is from the principal.

- Passed?
- Passed!

Forget about her. D'you know
how many chicks are out there?

Anyway, we have more
wicked things to do.

Yeah, like what?

Hacker's things.

Isn't it, Brutus?

Kosa, you're slacking off...
You still owe me two big ones.

- Boss, I have a problem.
- You don't have any problems yet.

You're still a lucky man.

But you will have a predicament
if I don't see that money.

I can't make it.

Credit cards everywhere.
No one pays cash.

I don't know where to find it.

So find out.
I'm giving you a week.

And if I can't, what?
Will you cut off my right hand?

- Worse.
- Both of my hands?


Both hands
and blow off my kneecaps?


OK. My hands, my knees,
and in the end... my balls?

Worse, Kosa. Much worse...

Well, what?
Gonna unleash Brutus on me?

You'll simply rot in the slammer
with Dick and Hairy, who just

happen to be looking for a sausage
jockey for the summer. Wham!

Well, d'you wanna
be my swanky buddy yet?

I told you a hundred times.
I just can't do this.

You promised that you'd hack
for me. What d'you say to this?

Central Government Web Site

Did you forget who's the master
of the net? Well, who?

- Winnie-the-Pooh.
- Good.

- And who's Winnie-the-Pooh's friend?
- Tigger.

- And what do Tiggers love most?
- Hacking.

- Ready?
- Just a sec.

- Let's dance.
- Let's dance.

I wonder what Laura is doing now.

Right now? Probably shakin'
rump with that horn dogger.

You're mental, bro.
I'm sure she's asleep.

Yeah, right. And her mom is
tucking in her blanket and reading

her Little Red Riding Hood.

- Game over!
- Far out, dude!

Prime Minister "Pooh" and Minister of
Finance "Tigger." Right on, Mac!

You win... but this thing keeps crashing
- you had better chances.

- D'you wanna try mine?
- No, no.

You're a wicked hacker.
You'll win a Nobel Prize one day,

and I'll take over Hollywood.
And we'll get a real grip on the bank.

The fashion show was fabulous.
Hi boys, the show was unbelievable!

- Too bad you didn't see it.
- Hi boys. Unbelievable!

You definitely have to watch it on TV.

And tomorrow my report
will be on air too.

You forgot the plants again!
Do you want them to die?

You're never at home anyway.

When you finally make it to college,
you won't have to water them anymore.

Are you gonna switch to cactuses?

Hello, did you see the show?
Yeah, unbelievable... so was I...

It sucks having parents like them.

At least you have some.

Don't trip, orphan. If you want,
we'll fuckin' adopt you!

I'm sorry, - Mac - Mac Fly
- that was a stupid joke.

They threw me out of school.

Why didn't you tell me before?

The principal found out I was helping
someone. I didn't tell him it was her

...so he expelled me.
- The principal? Wait a second!

If you want to graduate,
be at my office tomorrow at 8.

What do you need school for?
You spend 12 years there, right?

But teachers only allocate about 5 or
6 minutes a day to you personally.

- Right?
- I guess.

Times five days per week,
that's about 30 minutes. You get me?

- I'm in suspense, dude.
- That may not be enough...

Times 40 weeks of school per year,
gives us what? 1,200 minutes.

- Times 12 years, is...
- 14,400.

Divide that by 60 and you get the
number of hours - which comes to 240.

- How many days?
- 10 days.

10 days out of 12 years of school!
Not bad, huh?

So what do you need school for?

With your brain we'll make more in 1
night than others in their whole life!

Your principal has just
sentenced himself...

It'll be da bomb when
the shit hits the fan!

What's up?

They threw me out of school
...and out of the dorm.

Don't worry.
The army will take you in.

- That's just the problem.
- You can shack up with me for now.

But remember, boy, the army gives
a man character. It'll do you good.

I can learn to smoke
and drink someplace else.

Sonny, don't talk about things
you don't understand.

Way back, during military exercises,
we got an order to assault some

positions that were fortified as hell.
The enemy headquarters were there.

The mission was impossible.
I told our commanding officer how we

could really massacre the 16th,
but the son-of-a-bitch wouldn't agree.

So we doused him with 80-proof
at night,

and crept around the side
of the enemy's defenses.

Their headquarters from behind
while they were having breakfast.

- What does this have to do with me?
- Remember, boy.

If you can't get in through the front,
try getting in from behind.

- 80-proof.
- 100!

- Hi!
- Hi, it's good that you came.

- Where's your buddy?
- Why, do you miss him?

Maybe. I ended up with a "B+"
average and wanted to thank him.

- And don't I get a reward?
- We never said anything about money.

I'll gladly accept payment
in kind, but only in 4 days.

Why, are you having your period?

Besides, it was him who
solved the problems.

And got kicked out of school.

- Can I get you something?
- No thanks.

D'you know what the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology is?

The best computer
science faculty in the world.

Marcin's dream. He would've made it
there, he sure has the brains, but...

Stop that crap!
Remember how it was?

You got him involved in this.

If I'd admitted it was him,
we would both have got expelled.

You know that,
so don't heap all the blame on me.

Nobody's perfect.

- Who's that dick?
- He helped me pass my exams.

And now he wants something.

- It's not your thing, Daniel.
- OK, OK, not my thing...

What are you doing?

High school principal
was suspended of his duties

today after he had demanded sexual
favors from one of his students.

Other pupils told us the principal
had always become more active in

his relations with youth
in times of final exams.

According to unnamed sources,
while still a teacher of mathematics

at a technical school, he had lured
his female students into a photo lab

where disguised as the school's
principal, he had slapped their

intimate body parts with a ruler.

Outrageous! Absolutely not true!
I won't have any TV reports of this!

Laura W., the student in question
passed her exams with a "B+".

Our congratulations.

She could've worn those skimpy rags
to the final. The principal would've

given her an "A+" right away.
Instead, look what happened...

She's really got you tricked, huh?

There's that asshole again.

You only have 4 days
left to win our bet!

The loudest applause was for the
lingerie collection.

Why did you turn it off?

All I need is her to tell
me to water the plants.

My dear son,
don't forget to water our plants.

I can say with complete authority
that hackers in Poland do not pose

a credible threat.

Those who do operate are...
harmless amateurs.

How would you comment on the hacking
into the government's web site?

- Those were just two harmless kids.
- Two?

- Amateurs.
- Yeah, right.

In that case, why did restoring the
site's original contents take 24 hrs?

I don't get it. It was supposed
to last less than an hour.

After you left,
I screwed things up so bad,

...it took them all day to fix it.
- Are you out of your mind?

- You want to dive in shit?
- Is that a hacker talking?

A hacker breaks in for
a trip and not to wreck anything.

Or to kick their asses.
This is war!

It's us on one side,
and them on the other.

Did you hear those lies?

- Does that mean you know who did it?
- We identified them based on how

- they named the government officials.
- Are there any further questions?

And what if hackers broke into the
Central Election Committee's server?

There's nothing to worry about.
The Pooh will not become president!

Two bags...

For sure. It'll be two big ones.

Boss - it'll be two big ones.

- Your ID please.
- Alright, give my regards to Brutus.

Mr. Officer, I'm just quietly sittin'
here, doin' nothing...

Well, that's just it.
Didn't you see the sign?

That'll cost you 200 zlotys,
and three to five points.

In that case, I would propose...

50 and my oath
to become a better driver.

Oath accepted, and I'll let you get
off with a warning this time.

Thank you for your reprimand.
Learning is a lifelong pursuit!

- Brewsky?
- No. Your old lady called.

Water the flowers.
The philodendron, too.

Here you go!

Hang in there, Mac.
You're a sad sight.

Maybe we could take
in Back to the Future?

- I don't think so.
- That's the first time you said no...

It really is bunk with you.
You only have 3 days left.

Hello, hello!

Laura sent us.
Is there anyone home?

- Oh hi, are you Turbo?
- No.

So you're Marcin.

Sit down guys; this is a surprise
from Laura! Sit down!

What about me?

Far out! A million bucks!

There's a million bucks to win!

- Mac Fly, the girls are in heat!
- Give me a break!

The redhead's for you.
She does a wicked hummer.

I'll send her to you by e-mail. Look.

- Prefer the blonde? OK, I'll trade.
- Turbo, look!

- Some kind of a bank?
- Some... some class act, man!

Just look at the stakes!
They want you to break into

two designated servers, and decipher
a file protected by an algorithmically

...encrypted password.
- What type of key?

- 48 bit.
- By my reckoning you'll need

1,000 hours or more.
Gonna call Einstein?

Don't insult me. What do we have
the net and parallel processing for?

Are you thinking universities?
Data processing centers?

It's a mystery!

What does Julius Caesar has
in common with Hungary?

Wait a second...

Julius Caesar...

Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon,

The die is cast...


Rubik's Cube!


- Who won the competition?
- What competition?

- You know, the Four Hills...
- Adam Malysz.

I'm talking about last night. I'm sure
I heard one of the girls shout

you went over the edge the wrong way.

But I landed with a telemark anyway.

In the second series,
I must've got it on real' sweet.

The black-haired gave me
19 points. Anyway, how's it going?

It's a fortress, a real classic:
Triple firewall, impossible to breach.

- Did you try emacs through sendmail?
- They only took me into a fake system


No faults whatsoever.
We have to figure out something else.

In that case,
I wish you a pleasant flight.

- Marcin?
- Yeah.

- Remember our bet?
- Yeah.

Clock this - I have a little surprise.

Take a look at number 17.

- De Lorean.
- Overnight delivery - our wheels!

- It's beyond our means.
- We can win this auction.

- How and with what?
- We'll find a way...

What are you up to?

Not me. You.
You're hacking Laura, the fortress.

Stop that,
Laura isn't some program.

- There's not a crack on her.
- Sure there is!

Ever lived in a palace?

Well, you're going to. Laura
will definitely fall for a palace.

Turbo, give it up.
Its the ninth dumpster.

Whella! Right on!

I have everything I need - the card
number, account number, name...

That's just what I was afraid of.

I told you, there's always a sucker
who throws stuff like this into trash.

Wow! Almost like your orphanage!

- Let's bail before it's too late.
- Trippin' again?

- Or have you given up on Laura?
- Of course not, but...

So, chill out. They got our bank
guarantees and the palace is ours.

You can live on the top floor.

- Make yourself at home.
- I never had a home.

Well, now you do,
and it's a sweet crib!

We'll set up our stuff and keep
an eye on the whole palace.

And this is where you'll triumph
over her last firewall.

You should have enough water.

- You're so full of shit.
- Visionary, I'd say.

Awesome bed.

New wave. Lie down on her and you
don't have to wait for earthquakes!

The Hacker's Manifesto!

Every code can be broken

Break in there where no one's spoken.

Information craves to be free.

The fault is always
with the M-l-S trustee!

There's no future without computure.

See Mac Fly - all this equipment?

D'you know how much paper
you'd have to cough up for it?

Instead, all we do is "click" and we've
got it - and we'll get even more.

Look over there.
Man, I'm on a roll!

I'll hook everything up to watch you
night and day from my crib

just like Big Brother

Big Brother always
shows up in a big palace.

- Where's my dough?
- I don't have it yet...

- But I will.
- I want it within 3 days.

One more thing - see these two punks?

I want them working for me.

Maybe you'd like to drop
by this evening?

Would you drop by tonight?

Maybe you'd like
to drop by this evening?

Would you drop...

- Hello.
- Whad'ya want?

- I'd like to talk to Laura.
- What about?

I wanted to... that is,
I wanted to invite her to a party.


What's the big deal?
It's my old man. My old man!

Are you free tonight?
I'm having a little party.

Drop by - it'll be pretty cool.

Here's the address -
it's easy to find.

You look fab.

Welcome - on Marcin's behalf.

- Cool pad. Did you win the lottery?
- No, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

There's costumes on the racks;

grub and adult beverages
on the side tables. It's self-service.

- He's with me.
- Still?

- What about it?
- Nothing, come on in.

I saw you on TV, dude, nice panties
you had on there.

Could you get me some of those?
But I'd prefer men's briefs.

And look who's talking.
A third-rate Nicholas Cage wannabe.

Break it up, boys, we came
here to have some fun.


Hey man! Bro! I couldn't help
noticing you snagged Laura.

Tell me, how'd you do it?

Romantically, spontaneously.
And be cool.

That's why I'll never get a girl.
You know? I think I'm too shy.

Look around. Do you realize
what you see? Beautiful, lonely girls.

And do you know what
their eyes are saying? "Date me.

Take me to the movies." You bunker:
They're burning with desire for you,

and you tell me you're shy.

It's exactly shy guys like you
who condemn these honeys

to some steroid-muscled dickwads.

Go and bag a chick right now.


- Do you love boxing?
- Sure, baby.

- How much do you love boxing?
- Just as much as you.

A chemical laser, in which fluoride
and hydrogen react with each other.

That's how hydrogen fluoride came...

Gotta love boxing.

Add optical prisms and mirrors
to that and you get...

D'you wanna fuck?

- Where are you running?
- To the can.

Men's room is that way.

I know, but Pocahontas promised me
to show me her Mohican tuft.

And now, you vultures,
it's time for a toast.

Our host is turning 18 today.


No, Laura.

Well, you've got your blowjob done!

Fine champagne...
but where's the brewsky?

Have any fallen?

Once, when I was little.

But my wish didn't come true.

Later they said in the news
that the Russians lost a Sputnik.

I believe that one will fall tonight,
and it won't be a Sputnik this time.

The star is talking about stars...

Don't be silly.

I know you wanted to go to college,
and I acted like a coward.

I'm sorry.
Do you have a grudge against me?

Yeah... for bringing it up.

This party by the pool...

Did you win all of this in a lottery,
or did you rob a bank?

- I made a bet.
- What about?

- That you can't buy everything.
- Interesting bet. Did you win?

I don't know yet.

The worst part is
that even if I win, I'll still lose.

- You're speaking in riddles.
- It's a habit, I guess.

When you sit at the computer for 14
hours a day, you don't even realize

you start encoding your thoughts.

My parents want me to study
French philology.

I can help you
at the entrance exams.

Thanks, I was always good at French.

Keep the groove on, Mac.

- Great party, just like in Hollywood.
- Who's this?

I haven't had such fun in my life.

And you're working here
while everyone else is dancing?

The groove's by the pool, man.

But I wanted to party with you.

- What is this? I don't know you!
- But I know you, pal.

Adam Nowak. Turbo to his friends.
Hacker. Last break-in:

Central government web site;
fake bank guarantees thanks to which

you rented these fine digs; and theft
of computer and audio-video equipment

worth 385,200.63 zlotys.

What's all this for?

- My buddy fell in love.
- We'll talk about miseries later on.


She's fine...

Let me guess,

He's Marcin Makowski?

Yeah. And chicks, as you know,
head straight for the bank.

Yet what a shame it would be if two
young, talented boys spent their lives

- as a friend of mine says -

rotting in the slammer in the clutches
of... awful thought,

It doesn't matter.

I've come here on a friendly mission.

Actually, a favor for a favor: I
scratch your back, you scratch mine!

Then turn around,
I can't reach that far.

I'm the joker around here.

Now decide: Are you in on this?

Can you answer on your own,
or do you want to call...

...your little pal's crisis hotline?

I don't understand.

You see, I have this store in mind.
Here's the address.

But they have cameras everywhere,
and I don't want to be a TV star,

'cause it just doesn't pay enough!

So what are you saying? I turn off the
cameras while you snake the cashiers?

What cashiers, pal? A package of
Pampers. Well-maybe two. OK?


Wham! Yes!

Come on, let's get groovin'.

Come on, man.
Get down with it - get groovin' boy.

I have other plans now.

The catwalk... have you ever been
at a fashion show?

There'll be quite a gig on Thursday.

Laura! Where are you hiding out?
We're outta here!

Just a sec!

You didn't tell me
it was your 18th birthday.

coming without a present...

- That's OK.
- Laura!

- Happy Birthday...
- Thanks.

She gave me... a phone number!

I don't stand a chance with Laura.
She's half an inch taller than me.

But you're still growing,
and you'll play in the NBA.

- Lend me your shoes.
- Buy some yourself.

You can afford a 1000 pairs of the
finest cowboy boots with thick inserts

But I look OK with contact lenses?

Much better! You looked
like a moron in those frames.

- I can't get used to them.
- Life is full of pain.

When Cage's hairline started
to recede, I pulled half a million

hairs out of my scalp.
D'you know how much that hurt?

Real love calls for sacrifice.

Be happy you don't look like Marlon
Brando, you'd have to pack on

...about 200 pounds!
- Yeah.

- I'm starving. Let's order a pizza.
- Yeah.

- Or two.
- Yeah.

What error?!


Did you see the entire show?

I wasn't interested
in fashion 'til today.

But you've started
dressing differently.

What about your bet?

It still hasn't played out.

Whats up with Daniel?

We're not seeing each other.

Time out?

More like breach of contract.

What contract?

Women have their secrets too!

Did you hear? Mateo's coming!

To our agency?

He blew us off and went to a horse
auction. Maybe next time. See ya'.

- Who's Mateo?
- Milan fashion designer. A guru.

Working for him is
like you studying at MIT.

Then grab the opportunity.
Meet with him...

Are you kidding?
Only cover girls work with him.

- I don't have a chance.
- You know what? I'll help you.

You're sweet.

But you don't have a chance either.


Dig this!
The second firewall has been breached.

Laura will be mine!
Mine! Do you hear that?

Sit down.

Turbo, what is this?
What's up?

- How come you're so quiet?
- Hands up!

Who is this?

We're pals.

I'm Kosa, and you...
Wait, let me guess...

Marcin the orphan.
My sympathies.

Sit down.


But what's this about?

Well boys, 'fact is, you've been...

...up to quite a shit lately.

Now, I'm a really tolerant fellow.

I understand people's misdemeanors.

So I'm only asking for a little favor,
a tiny favor,

A teeny-tiny little hacking favor.

A simple click, click, click,

And there is darkness.

D'you know what you got us into,
you tool! The guy's a gangster!

I don't know how they found us...

I told you,
you shouldn't have done that!

And look who's talking! You are
living in a palace, hacking on the

tightest equipment.
Have you paid a dime for this?

- Nice to live off others, isn't it?
- This is all just for Laura!

Gonna tell that to the police?
If Kosa doesn't smoke us by himself,

he'll set the cops on our asses.
We won't get out of joint for years.

One foot in the grave,
and the other up shit creek!

So what does he want?

To turn off the cameras in a
store he wants to do.

And then he'll want to turn off
the lights in all Warsaw,

or derail a train, or who knows what.
The guy's a psycho!

Lets win million bucks,
pay him off and send him to hell.

You'll never win.
And in 2 days I'll be nailin' Laura.

- And why exactly did you call me?
- I saw you on TV, and I thought...

Alright, alright.

Since you called me,
don't act on your own.

- Pardon?
- I'm proposing you a deal.

I'll turn a blind eye to your little
crimes, and you'll help me out.

- And if I don't?
- Then I'll just have to...

...arrest you.

Lately I've only been getting
offers I can't refuse.


Forget-me-nots? Beautiful!

- Where did you buy them?
- They grow near my place.

- You picked them for me?
- I was kind of bored.

And that's why you dropped
by the show?

I wanted to take a few shots of you.
Why do these shows turn you on?

D'you really wanna know?
Everyone is watching me.

- You're frank.
- I like the catwalk.

I like looking good,
meeting new people.

I'd like to...

I'd like to see the whole world.
Is that a bad thing?

It depends at what price. How much
is a show at Mateo's worth to you?

Are you starting to get
interested in fashion?

In you.

Go now, Marcin.

Why? Did I say something wrong?

Just go, please.

- Marcin, it's here!
- What's here?

The thing we bought at the auction!

Laura, where are you?

Stay there, I'll be in
the parking lot in 30 min.

Don't ask any questions...
in 15 minutes... please.

Let's roll!

Hop in, girl.

But this is the car
from Back to the Future!

Remember that movie?

De Lorean.

V6 engine, 200 horsepower,
0-60 mph in 5 seconds.

Riveted construction...
aerospace technology...

and a Formula One power train.

During my elementary school,
I had a crush on Michael J. Fox.

I must have seen it about 30 times.

I've seen it 87 times. So there is
something we have in common...

Where did you get this ride?

Just don't tell me you won the bet.

Not yet. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'll find out everything.

- Here.
- How did you do this?

How did you do this?

It's no big deal -
with the right equipment.

- They look so real.
- Yeah, and Mateo will think the same.

- Come on...
- What do you have to lose?

- It's fraud.
- And your exam wasn't?

He won't be at the agency...

That's why we're going to see him.
Get in.

Get in, get in.

What about me?

Why are you so pale?

- Where did you learn to drive?
- In the video arcade!

God, it's him...

A beautiful car. I speak Polish...
I was here a thousand times.

What, Back to the Future?
Oh, I'm Mateo. Mateo Canetti.

Mac. Mac Fly.

Did you come here to
buy something, Mac?

No not really, I just blew a lot of
cash at Monte Carlo. But then again...

But this time
I won't let you beat me to it.

- This is Laura.
- Mateo.


you have a beautiful girlfriend!

- Sister. Marcin is my brother.
- Excellent.

My sister. Really?


You now have before you entry No 11.
Thoroughbred Arabian stallion Enigma.

Sired by the famous stud Castrate
and foaled by Frigidity, he is 4 years

old with an excellent pedigree.
His reserve price is 25 thousand.

Who would like to open the bidding?



- So you posed for Joop?
- Yes, a couple of times.

- Eight and a half. Fellini.
- Nine. Antonioni.

- And who's your agent?
- She just fired him.


- Do you mind if I keep the pictures?
- That's fine.



Thirty-two and a half.

- Are you crazy?
- Easy, I know what I'm doing.

You have an amazing sister.

My sister?
She is a real talent.


Yes, and I'd like her to work for me.

Forty-one. Quarant'uno.

And I think she really
will be on magazine covers.

What a scam!
Girls will never believe me!

It's too early to party.

He took my portfolio! Do you get it?
Mateo, the guru!

I've never heard anyone pile on the
crap like that before:

"I blew a lot of cash at Monte Carlo."

Did you see his face when
you upped the bid?

Like the principal
when he saw his note on the wall.

I was starting to worry what
I'd do if I won the auction.

What wouldn't I do for my sister?

Don't flip out about that.
It was the best solution.

I guess.

D'you know what?
I feel like dancing.

No problem.

Or maybe I'd rather take a bath.

- OK, I'll drive you home.
- I meant your swimming-pool.

- Are you sure?
- Sure, go to your place.

Get out.

Laura, get out!

We were supposed to go
to your place, dummy.

- Get out!
- What's with you?

I just lost the bet.

Talk clearly,
you're encrypting again.

The bet was about you.

Turbo said you'd only go after
the money, I didn't believe it.

But now I know.
He was right.

Do you really think that?

Someone was here.

- No.
- You're bluffing! I saw Kossa.

What's up?

- Hey, what's wrong?
- You were right. I lost the bet.

I'll give you one more day, just
help me with this gangster. Please...

Do you want to permanently
delete the file 'Laura'?

What happened, boy?
You look like shit.

Nothing, Mr. Toshek,
I just wanted to drop by.

I understand.
That means your girl dumped you.

I thought she was different,
but it turns out, she's just a...

appearances are misleading.

For example...
Let's take me.

Everyone thinks I'm that actor-
Mr. Linda. But I'm only Tosiek.

And that, boy, is my tragedy.
That's why I drink.

That's as good a reason as any.
I, on the other hand,

would like to look like Linda.
That is, like you.

You see... I tried to be macho...

Like him, but I can't say "fuck this"
and "fuck that" all the time.

Because I am a gentler,
a kind of a more romantic fellow.

What, and no women?

Nothing. When they found out
I wasn't him, that was it.

Fucking asshole!

I started drinking because of him.

When he's in a new movie,
I can't even show my face in town.

You shouldn't worry about some movie.

Some movie?
The bastard's in every fucking one!

Turn off the cameras and
all security will pounce on us.

Then feed some skanky porn
onto their monitors.

Here... plug this into
the video signal line.

I'm feeding yesterday's footage.

And we have our live transmission.

What shit are you
getting us into again?

Loosen up, man. I have an idea
how we can get Kossa off our backs.

And for good

I don't even want to look at this.

He really did swipe the Pampers.

That's weird.
Zenek's shift was yesterday.

Who gives a shit?
You're not the one paying his overtime.

You haven't paid for the Pampers.

I'm so sorry.
I was hurrying back to my kids.

And your change?

Congratulations on picking on Laura.

- At least buy me a brew for that.
- What for?

Remember those strippers I sent you?

That wasn't a present from Laura?

Do you think it's her style?

One beer, please.

Tell me, why did you leave her?

It wasn't me.
She broke off our agreement.

What agreement?

To pretend to be a couple
in front of everyone.

- But why?
- So she'd have some peace of mind,

and be left alone by the
horny dicks chasing after her.

- OK, but what was in it for you?
- What did I get?

An official girlfriend whom I could
introduce to my friends or my grandma.

You mean, you didn't...

Laura? Me and Laura?

She isn't my type.

So who's your type? Pamela
Anderson? Naomi Campbell?

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Double vodka, please!

Actually, I was in love with
Michael J. Fox before that.

Well, I'd prefer Michael J. Fox.

Well, then make it two double vodkas.


I'll tell you something in confidence:
Laura has a weakness for you.

Like she fell in love with you.

She's been dragging on that you did
something for her no other guy did.

But you know what?
Fuck those dumb broads.

Guys like us should stick together,
don't you think?

- You know what, Daniel?
- What?

See ya...

Come on.
I did all of this for you...

Hi, it's Laura. Please leave
a message after the beep...

I love you! It's all my fault.

You did a fine job.

It went real' smooth, like
shit out of a duck's ass.

- Here's some for jellybeans.
- I want the file, not the money.

How come? Things went so well and
now you want to screw everything up?

I did what you asked for,
and now I want out.

I'm the one who says it's over.

Then have a look at this video.

You have 3 hours to call me
back and hand over the file.

Come on,
you'll be late for your plane.

Damn! They must
have a weak spot somewhere.

Think... think... think!

Wait, what did he say?

"If you can't get in through the
front, try getting in from behind."

Of course...
they outflanked the defenses!

My Laura!

I wanted you to know.

I was way out of line.
Come here, come on.

- I can't, Marcin. I can't.
- Please...

I can't. Not now.

I'm going to Milan...
to be in Mateo's shows.

Did you come
here just to tell me that?

Remember our last conversation?

I want to tell you
how very wrong you are.

Give me a chance.

- My taxi's waiting.
- Don't leave.

So long, Marcin.

To the airport, quick!

Of course.

Call, Kosa. Come on. Call!


- Marcin!
- Laura?

Hello there, friend of my friend.

As someone once said, "friends
of my friends are my friends,

and enemies of my
enemies are my enemies."

No, it doesn't make sense.
Anyway, in the spirit of that saying,

I decided
to make friends with your girlfriend.

And all of this because of our buddy,
who didn't act like a true pal.

So be a good dog and
get the videotape from him,

'cause otherwise our friendship
will be up shit creek.


Let her go!
I'm the one who has the tape.

- Merchandise for merchandise?
- Alright. Just don't hurt her.

So you're authorizing
me to make a friendly visit.

Inspector Buja, please come to me at
the palace as fast as you can.

Please, I'm begging you, Sir...

- Where's that damn tape with Kosa on?
- What for?

- He's coming here. He kidnapped Laura.
- Fuck. It's on the video shelf.

It's not - I searched there.
The cops will be here in a sec.

Kosa has Laura,
and I'm sick of this shit!

Turn on the web-cams. Feed the views
to my H.Q. Over the net, get it?

If I see it I might remember faster.

Well, where is it?

It's on the shelf by the door. See?
At the very bottom between Matrix

and Back to the Future Part III.
It says 'Pampers' on the label.

- This one?
- Just be sure to make a copy.

- Do you see Inspector Buja?
- Yes, I see him.

At last, Inspector.
It's good that you came.

I don't understand why you
waited so long.

You could've caught Kosa
directly during the heist.

Sit on my lap, Brutus.

Look, Sir.

I told you I'm not interested in Kosa.

Oh, speaking of the devil...

So many friends in one place?

Are you fucking mad, Kossa?

Puppies at this age
don't shit into Pampers.

These ain't no Pampers,
but two big ones.

To all Internet surfers!
Make police come to the Palace!

One of us in danger!

And what's she doing here?
Are you in love?

Not me, him.

Then are you his best man,
or her pimp?

I'm sure not your nigger anymore.

Not good, Kosa. You can't
even handle a couple of brats.

You tell me that? I've been busting
my ass for you for 4 years.

I'd rather be in the slammer.

This is my last payment.
And that's it.

Give me the cassette.

- I'm the one to decide when it's over.
- Yeah?

Here's your videotape.

A little class, you fuck!

Let's go!


Turbo, watch out!


Sorry I'm late...

Don't say anything.

- It's all my fault.
- It's OK.

Don't speak.

You won the bet. Run for it!

Run for it.

Where did you learn that?

Don't know.
I must've seen it in some movie.

- Laura, I love you.
- Why does he want to kill you?

Tell me, what did I do
that no other guy did for you?

- Daniel spilled the beans...
- Tell me.

You picked flowers for me.


- Promise me one thing.
- Anything.

That you won't wear those stupid
clothes anymore. I prefer you now.

I'll promise, as long
as you'll wear tennis shoes.

OK. And you look
nice with glasses, too.

Gentlemen, everything's under control.
What's going on?

Let me go, you idiot! I'm an officer.
What're you doing?

That's an order! I'm an officer
of the Central Bureau of Investigation!

Now we're post-Buja.

Your transmission on the net
beat the ratings for Big Brother.

You'll pay for this!

Wait a moment.
I'll have a few more questions.

Then we'll take you home.

Marcin, I'm begging you, stop it!

What do you want to do now?

I want to make
an honest million dollars...

Shit, I must be dreaming.

May the Force be with you!

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