Great Guns (1941) - full transcript
Laurel and Hardy work for sickly heir Dan Forrester, who has been diagnosed with a myriad of debilitating allergies. However, when the draft board sees things differently and he seems very happy to leave the confines of his sick room, his loyal employees join him in the U. S. Army. He seems to thrive on Army chow and regimen and even becomes a rival to the growling Sergeant Hippo for the affections of beautiful post employee Ginger Hammond . The bumbling Stan and Ollie also get a chance to redeem themselves when they participate in the all-important war game maneuvers.
Listen, snail, you'd better look out.
You're liable to be stepped on.
Now, stay right there.
Not so loud, Penelope,
you'll waken the master.
Penelope, who's been
teaching you to whistle?
- Hey! Shh!
- Oh, Mr. Forrester in?
Shh! I'll take it.
He's not to be disturbed.
- It's very important he gets it.
- Why? Have you read it?
It's from the draft board.
Well, Mr. Forrester is not interested,
but I'll give it to him anyway.
Well, you'd better, or he'll take
a little jaunt to prison.
Hey, Ollie! Ollie! Hey, Ollie!
Shh! If you must make a noise,
make it quietly.
- What is it?
- Look. From Daniel's draft board.
A sheer waste of postage.
Imagine even considering a man
in Daniel Forrester's physical condition.
I'd better give it to him anyway.
What, and overtax his heart?
Tear it up.
- He goes to prison if he doesn't get it.
- Nonsense.
I suppose Dr. Schickel's examination
isn't good enough.
Why, Daniel's allergic
to 108 different properties...
...including candles, cucumbers
and quinces.
Nevertheless, I'd better deliver it.
It's the Army or prison, and if
he goes to prison...
Penelope! You come back with that!
Good morning, Dr. Schickel.
Good morning. What a beautiful morning.
The birds are singing. The sun is
shining. Everything is alive.
- Dr. Schickel is here.
- Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning, Dr. Schickel.
Anything new?
Two more allergies.
- What are they now?
- Vinegar and feathers.
- Oh, dear. Isn't that...?
- There, there. Don't be upset.
Your nephew can still have his
pabulum and orange juice.
Good morning, boys. Come in.
Mr. Daniel, may we have
a leave of absence for a few years?
For a few years?
Yeah. And we're going
to prison, aren't we, Ollie?
Well, what are you talking about?
Well, we were going to deliver your draft
notice, when all of a sudden, Penelope...
- Draft notice!
- My name's come up!
- Do you think I have a chance, doctor?
- As much as a snowball in an incubator.
- Thank heavens!
- Why, it's perfectly ridiculous.
- He couldn't join the woodcraft boys.
- Eureka!
Penelope, you naughty girl.
It's my notice, all right.
- Yeah, and by airmail.
- Get that bird out of here!
Get away, get away!
He's allergic to feathers.
- I'm to appear for induction tomorrow.
- Oh, there must be some mistake.
Maybe they'll take me.
I will just send them
a few of your x-rays.
But it says I must appear personally,
and I'm going.
Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning, Ollie.
- Not you.
If that guy makes it,
my Aunt Minnie will join up.
There you are, sir.
Daniel Forrester IV.
- Sit down, please.
- Thank you. Over here, Daniel.
- Gently, gently!
- Yes, doctor.
Put that match out, quick!
- I don't see a "No Smoking" sign.
- He's allergic to sulfur.
- Next man.
- Frank Dombrowski.
- Yes, sir.
- Dombrowski? In here.
Pardon me, captain,
I'm Dr. Hugo Schickel.
Through some stupid mistake, my patient
has been ordered here for examination.
For 15 years I have struggled
to keep this pitiful boy alive.
One look at this and you can readily see
he's a doomed man.
Army regulations require
more than one look, Dr. Schickel.
If you'll just step in there,
young man.
I'm sorry, doctor. Our examinations
are conducted by Army men only.
You'll excuse us.
Army doctors.
Don't let him out of your sight.
- Snake bite?
- I'm testing his blood pressure.
Outside, please.
You're wasting your time.
You won't find any blood.
You certainly won't.
For his birthday, we were gonna
give him a blood transfusion.
Please!
- How old are you?
- Twenty-three.
And already a doddering old man.
Take a look at his ribs.
You can use them for a washboard.
Your blood pressure
is perfectly normal.
I can't believe it.
If you'll tap him, you'll find
that his blood is pure sugar.
Dr. Schickel says
he's a walking maple tree.
You hear that? His blood is so thin
you can hear it flowing through his veins.
- Must be the whistle he swallowed.
- Uh-uh. That's me.
- Well, keep quiet!
- What's the verdict, doctor?
- Perfect.
- Is there anything wrong with me?
Nothing a year in the Army won't cure.
You mean he's passed the examination?
One hundred percent.
Sarge, the cook says if the draftees
aren't in by 7, they don't get breakfast.
Well, tell him to keep his pores closed.
The train's late.
Lafayette, here we are!
Lafayette, we are here!
- Is that all the men?
- There are a couple more inside.
- You think you're on a clambake?
- We didn't hear a bugle.
- There wasn't any bugle.
- So that's why we didn't hear it.
Pipe down.
Now, we've only got till 7.
Those who want breakfast,
take it on the double.
Captain, Mr. Forrester
is not very strong.
We enlisted to see
that he got proper care.
Oh, I see.
If you'll show us to his suite,
we'll serve him there.
I'm sorry. We aimed to have that left
wing finished by the time you got here.
I'll move the general
out of his quarters tomorrow.
Well, under those circumstances,
we'll wait.
If you don't wanna eat, you're
coming along anyway for the exercise.
- I never eat this late.
- I could eat this horse.
I could go for some more shuteye.
Hey, where's the café?
Why, Penelope!
What are you doing here?
Well, what a small world.
- What's the idea of that bird?
- Why, Stan and Penelope are inseparable.
That vulture ain't camping here.
Tell her to scram or I call out
the anti-aircraft.
Did you hear what he said?
You'd better fly on home.
Go on, Penelope, go on.
It's 1500 miles,
as the crow flies.
Yeah. And turn to your left at St. Louis.
- Goodbye.
- All right, men, follow me, on the double.
Bread and butter.
Detail halt!
At ease!
All right, men. Leave your luggage here.
Breakfast on the double.
Thank you, Ollie.
Get to the end of the line, blimp!
How do you like that guy,
trying to ease in there?
Hey, chef.
Hey, chef.
All right. Take it easy.
I've only got two hands.
Plenty for everybody, boys.
Take your time.
Get some butter.
- Sanka?
- You're welcome.
- Here we are.
- Well done, Stanley.
Thank you, Ollie.
Hey, look. Hey, listen.
- You can't eat eggs.
- You know you're allergic to albumen.
I'm starved, and I'm going to eat.
What did Dr. Schickel
say about pumpernickel?
What did the Army doctor
say about Schickel?
Here, Daniel. There's a seven-course
dinner in one of these teeny pills.
In fact, a concentrated banquet.
- Does it have bacon and eggs in it?
- No, but it has essence of guinea fowl.
And spirits of spinach.
Go on, it's good for you.
No, boys, I'm going to eat food.
Even if it kills me.
It's suicide.
Now, look, fellas, it was swell of you
to join the Army to be with me.
But you have enough to do
serving Uncle Sam without serving me.
We can take care of both of you.
Well, in the meantime, you'd better
take care of your own breakfast. Look.
Pardon me. Haven't you gentlemen
made a mistake?
- Those are our eggs.
- Yeah? When did you lay them?
- I laid them on the tray a minute ago.
- Yeah.
- Did you hear anyone cackle?
- Not me.
We don't want to have any trouble,
but really, we are hungry.
We haven't eaten for three days.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
An army travels on its stomach,
you know.
What are you beefing about?
You got enough to make China and back.
Now, get going.
- Come on.
- Well, we don't know the way to China.
How ca...?
Boy, am I hungry.
There's a seven-course dinner
in one of these pills.
- That ought to hold you till lunch.
- All right, men.
Going to the Reception Center.
We've got 20 minutes.
So let's get going. On the double.
- Ollie.
- What?
- I'm still hungry.
- Glutton!
I said, on the double! Come on!
- Good morning, sergeant.
- Good morning, colonel.
A likely looking bunch
of men, sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
- I guess I spoke too soon.
- Why, yes, sir.
Is this uniform the best they could do?
Oh, I don't mind.
The man said I'd grow into it.
Dad, would you mind
taking a picture of us?
We wanna show the folks
back home how we look.
- Why, certainly.
- Thank you.
- Not too close.
- Yes, get back just a little.
Give it a little dignity.
- Ready?
- Shoot, Pop!
- Thanks.
- If they turn out good, we'll give you one.
- Good.
- How long you been in the Army?
- Thirty-two years.
- You must be a sergeant.
- No.
- Surely a corporal.
I'm afraid I'm not that lucky.
Thirty-two years in the Army
and not even a corporal?
Stan, at last I've met somebody
that's dumber than you.
Attention!
- Carry on, sergeant.
- Penelope, you mustn't hang around here.
What is this, a circus?
- Get rid of that bird immediately.
- Yes, sir.
What did I ever do to deserve
a couple of yaps like you?
- You were good to your mother?
- Pipe down.
Yes, sir.
At 10:00 you're all going over
for an IQ test.
According to your answers,
you'll be classified in a job.
Swell. We're good at quizzes,
aren't we?
Maybe they'll put me in
the Intelligence Corps.
Brother, you're with him, right now.
Where can I get some films developed?
- Hammonds' Photo Shop, over there.
- Thanks.
- Oh, hello, sergeant.
- Hi.
We seem to be bumping
into each other today.
You'll get used to that.
Where's the clerk?
I wanna have some films developed.
In a hurry? Drop them in the box,
leave your name on them.
My camera's jammed here.
Oh, yeah? Here, I'll open it for you.
Don't... Not in the light.
You'll spoil the film.
- Well, I'm an old...
- Hippo.
- Hello. Be with you in a moment.
- I can wait.
I can't find your pictures.
You in a hurry?
I can help you.
I got eyes like an owl.
Yes, and hands like an octopus.
- I'll get along better if you stay outside.
- Ginger, you got me all wrong.
Remember, out of bounds.
- Ain't she the essence of peppermint?
- She's very nice.
Very nice? She's the best filly
that ever hit the cavalry.
- Well, perhaps if I knew her better...
- Forget it. You won't have time to.
I found them in with Colonel Higgins'.
It's a good thing he didn't see them.
They're snaps of me taking jumps
on his horse.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
That's okay.
Mind if I use your darkroom?
The film's jammed in my camera.
Well, go ahead.
- And don't scratch the negative.
- I hope not.
- They're my first pictures at camp.
- Maybe I better do it for you.
- I don't wanna put you to any trouble.
- Well, that's what I'm here for.
That don't add up.
Now, you turn that little key.
- It's really jammed, all right.
- Now, slip your hand under mine.
And when I squeeze,
you pull the catch.
- All right, I'm ready.
- There.
- Shall I unroll it?
- Why not develop it?
- Will it take long?
- Just a few minutes.
You haven't been in the Army long,
have you?
How can you tell?
I don't know. You looked shy
when you came in.
Well, I was sort of surprised
to see a girl here.
Especially such a pretty one.
- Now you're sounding like a trooper.
- Is that good?
Well, not in the darkroom.
What's that, a balloon?
No, that's my friend Oliver.
- What's that next to him?
- That's the other one, Stan.
They used to work for me.
Now we're buddies.
Has Ripley seen them?
I'm sorry,
was there something else?
You wanna collect for the pictures?
- Are you gonna pay cash this time?
- Yeah, how much?
- Dollar-twenty.
- When will mine be finished?
- Tomorrow night.
- I'll be in.
- What's your name?
- I'll bring them. He's in my troop.
Don't bother.
I can pick them up.
No bother at all. Always glad
to do a favor for a pal.
- See you later.
- Goodbye.
Well, say, sergeant.
You're a nice fella.
Next time you want pictures developed,
drop them in that box and evacuate.
- But...
- The darkroom's out of bounds.
Wanna learn how to develop?
Transfer to the Signal Corps.
- But my camera was jammed.
- Oh, yeah?
The next time I'm gonna jam that camera
right down...
That's assembly. Now, get going.
In the meantime, I'm gonna pick out
a nice, cush job for you.
Well, thank you, sergeant.
- Come on, cowboy!
- Hang on to the bronc!
- They don't even give him a parachute.
- Or a pillow.
There, how do you like that
for riding, Ginger?
- That's Corporal Peters, isn't it?
- One of the saltiest guys in the troop.
Why, he couldn't ride a rocking horse
when he first came here.
I taught him everything he knows.
Is that so?
How do you like that?
Now, listen, men.
If you think we've put on this rodeo
just to entertain you guys, you're wrong.
After you get your training,
some of you'll do a hitch in this corral.
Now, the Army needs riders
to bust remounts.
Any of you that have had
horse experience, we can use you.
I been tangling with broncs
since I was knee-high to a coyote.
Good.
How about you, Mr. Moneybags?
Well, I did some riding
on our estate in Vermont.
But then he was only a little twerp.
That was long before he was stricken.
I see you got your alibi all set up.
You can cough up that silver spoon now.
Because in the Army,
we all start from scratch.
Just a minute, sergeant.
I'll give it a try.
Daniel. Daniel, don't say that.
He couldn't be trusted
on a merry-go-round.
It's suicide, sergeant.
- What do you say, soldier?
- Get a horse ready.
Okay. Hey, Murph, throw a
saddle on that new one, 806.
- Say, Daniel...
- Come back here.
Agatha and Martha
won't forgive us.
Listen.
Good luck, soldier.
Don't you know that you're allergic
to horses too?
Let him go.
Daniel!
- Get off there. It's a wild horse.
- Oh! Oh!
Is he still on the horse?
Look!
Oh!
- Stop!
- Hang on!
Attaboy!
- He's doing all right.
- Why, sure.
Hang on to him, boy.
What a rider!
Yeah, but he ain't riding regulation.
Look at that hump on his back.
It looks like a knapsack.
Look at the way he's hanging on
to that saddle.
That's what I call disgusting.
Why don't you show him how, sergeant.
All right, I will. Pick him up.
Hey, you're all nerve and no talent.
I'll show you how to ride regulation.
Get a load of this technique.
Let her go!
Why didn't you guys wait
till I was ready?
You thought it was funny
when the horse threw the sergeant.
Well, after all,
I only smiled out loud.
Yeah. You smiled so loud
that he had us tow these nags...
...five miles uphill just to exercise them.
Well, it'll do them good.
Well, I'm going to take
a little nap right here.
I guess the Army
wouldn't miss a little nap.
- But we'd better not oversleep.
- We'll take turns. Ten minutes each.
That's a good idea.
Oh, boy.
Oh, this is...
Selfish.
- What's that?
- Would they declare war without us?
The horses!
- What'll the sergeant say?
- We'd better get back to camp.
Cease firing!
Hits, 92 percent.
Take it through again, Smitty.
- Look.
- It's only a dead dud.
Don't throw it away.
We'll keep it as a souvenir.
- All right.
- Hey, look.
- Let's steal a ride back to camp.
- Okay.
Strange-looking vehicle, isn't it?
Yeah, it looks like one of those
election-campaign wagons.
Maybe they're electing a new general.
Well, if the sergeant's running,
I'm not so sure if I'd vote for him or not.
That goes double.
Commence firing.
- What's that?
- Sounds like an Oregon woodpecker.
No. An Oregon woodpecker
makes a much softer sound.
That's like the Tennessee woodpecker
that thrives on hickory.
It goes something like this:
Is it that loud?
Did I hear shooting?
No, that was you
imitating a woodpecker.
And very good too.
Did you notice these holes before?
I don't remember.
We're at war!
The enemy's firing on us.
- I can't hear you. The noise.
- Machine guns.
- What?
- Get down. Do you wanna be killed?
Pull in your tummy!
Stop shooting!
We'll surrender!
Cease firing.
- We'd better report this.
- We'd better get out of here.
Let's go!
Ah!
Well, I'm a pigeon-toed prairie dog!
Did you boys get lost?
- What an experience we have had.
- We sure have.
- What now?
- We're at war.
- What are you talking about?
- We were attacked by machine guns.
They weren't woodpeckers either.
You boys better watch your diet.
There you are. I told you
he wouldn't believe us.
- Look.
- Where'd you get that?
On the battlefield.
We're gonna make a bud vase
for Aunt Agatha and Martha.
- How?
- Well, like this:
- Look out!
- It's all right. It's only a dud dead.
- A dead dud.
- See? It's all tarnished.
Won't that make a pretty souvenir
after it's polished?
Look, it's full of powder.
Hey! That's Private Meeley's tobacco!
So it is. I'll take it outside and sift it.
Yeah, we'll sift it.
Here you are!
The horses came in alone and sweating.
Where you been?
- Didn't they tell you?
- Who?
The horses. No, I mean...
- Funny man, huh?
- No, we've got news for you.
- Haven't we, Ollie?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Spill it.
- We're at war.
- Look.
- They shot them off.
Don't give me that malarkey.
Why, this tent looks like a flophouse.
Do you guys have pillow fights?
No, sir. We're too tired for that.
We're having an inspection
by General Taylor.
- Who's that?
- Never mind.
Police up this tent
and get into dress O.D.'s.
Yes, sir.
That goes for you too, Mr. Pot o' Gold.
Will I have time to wash up?
All right, but make it snappy.
Come on, get with it.
- On the double?
- Yes.
- Make up this cot, regulation.
- Yes, sir.
- And this one too.
- Yes, sir.
- Just a minute...
- None of your lip, rookie.
Fold that blanket
like I showed you.
- Sir, that's not...
- You gonna tell me how to make a bed?
- No, but...
- And there's no "buts" in the Army.
What are you two yaps doing,
playing games?
- We were only trying to tell you...
- You ain't telling me anything.
Stop arguing. If you spoil
Troop D's record...
...I'll run you through a meat-grinder.
Rattle your hocks.
- But you won't listen.
- Now, get this.
I'm the big noise around here.
And you guys do the listening, see?
Give me a match.
And you yaps be ready.
The sergeant is certainly
a headstrong man.
You're right. He doesn't appreciate
real friends.
- What was that?
- I heard something too.
Possibly a woodpecker.
Look. They've assigned us a porter.
You may start over here, my good man,
and you may have Thursdays off.
Twice a week.
Listen, you jugheads!
It sounds like Sergeant Hippo.
- It sure does.
- It is Sergeant Hippo.
In camouflage.
I don't care if it takes
the rest of my life.
- I'm gonna find out which of you...
- Has anyone seen Sergeant Hippo?
Here, sir.
What are you trying to do?
Put on a minstrel show?
We've got an inspection
in 10 minutes.
- Yes, sir.
- You're a fine example for the men.
Get out and try to make yourself
look like a trooper.
Yes, lieutenant.
Carry on.
Did you get a load of the big noise?
His face is all black.
Old Black Joe.
Yes.
- I never saw...
- I didn't either.
Attention!
Hey.
Hi, buddies.
Present arms!
Of all the insolent, stubborn...
We're shipping her home tomorrow.
She'll never stand the altitude.
You get rid of that bird
before the Army gets rid of us.
What am I going to do with her?
Ditch her. Here comes the colonel,
the general, the whole outfit.
- Hurry up!
- Quick! Hold this gun.
All right, hurry up, now.
Get rid of it.
What did you wanna put that
in my pants for?
- What was that?
- A frog in the throat...
...sir.
Are you men with Troop D?
Yes, sir, we're neighbors
of Troop C.
They're the swellest bunch.
Ah!
Are you nervous, son?
- A little, sir.
- He's the sensitive type.
- Now, just relax, soldier.
- I'll try to, sir.
As you were!
- What is all this?
- We like him, sir.
He's very nice to us.
Turn that over!
Oh!
Ah! Ooh.
Ooh! Ooh!
Was that a blackbird?
No, sir. They don't come
this far south.
Get that walleyed peacock
out of there!
Yes, sir.
Take Highway 66,
and when you get...
You call this a military formation?
I want a full report of this
sent to headquarters at once.
Dismissed!
I was never so humiliated
in all my life.
Nothing to laugh at. I thought you
were pretty good.
If I knew the Army
was so fun...
...I'd have enlisted long ago.
- It's all in the point of view.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm gonna get our pictures. So long.
- So long.
- Goodbye. I hope they turn out good.
- I'm worried about that boy.
- What's the matter?
He's been acting strange
the last day or two.
- Strange?
- He's too happy.
You know how he was
before he went into Watson's malady?
I'll never forget it.
That was terrible.
- Say, Ollie.
- What?
What time is it?
- It's nearly half past.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- Hello there, trooper.
- Good evening.
Hey, what's this?
Did I win the daily double?
That was a dollar bill you gave me.
I thought it was a 5.
Even so, you counted 10.
You'll never get rich...
I know the song. Anyway,
what's money?
- Mere scraps of paper. I hate it.
- Me too.
Come on, how about another nickel?
Oh, dear. I must be slipping.
- Good night, Ginger.
- Night.
Are my pictures finished?
You didn't give me your name.
They're easily identified.
I'm in the pictures.
Yes, now, let's see. I remember.
You were standing
with an observation balloon and a...
- A fire hydrant.
- That's the one with Oliver and Stan.
They're in the darkroom.
Wanna see?
- If it's not too much trouble.
- Come on in.
Here they are.
- That's my first day at camp.
- Before they issued your muscles.
- That's right.
- The Army agrees with you.
I like it more all the time.
I've heard that record played before.
Maybe you have, but I find Army life
very fascinating.
- I thought you meant...
- That's exactly what I meant.
In spite of the hard work, I like it.
Look, a double exposure.
We've spoiled that one.
I'm on it twice.
Well, I don't think that spoils it.
That's me on a bucking horse.
Boy, I sure had my hands full.
- Yes, isn't that a good action shot?
- Yeah.
- Hello, Hippo.
- Hi, Ginge.
How about zooming
over to San Felipe tonight?
- Zooming?
- I borrowed a motorcycle...
...and took off the sidecar.
You'll ride on the tank.
- On a motorcycle?
- Jump into slacks...
...and let's get to whizzing.
- Not me, pal.
- All right, we'll take the bus, then.
- Not tonight. Thanks, my boy.
Listen, you can't do that to me.
Millie wanted me to take her.
I said no, you and me had a date.
Well, now, isn't that dandy?
Maybe I have a date.
- Come on. Let's get going, will you?
- Sorry, Hippo.
Listen, sugarfoot, little old Hips
has had a tough day...
...and he sure could use
some giggling.
Here's one of Sergeant Hippo
that'll make you laugh.
Hello, sergeant. Did you see this?
I ain't interested. Listen, Mr. Got-Rocks,
what did I say about that darkroom?
- I looked up regulations...
- It's out of bounds.
This happens to be
a private concession.
- Yeah, so I noticed.
- Now, let's not have a row.
There won't be any row
if Mr. Fancy-Pants here...
...stays out of that darkroom.
- Excuse me.
- With muscles!
- Wait a minute.
Aren't you going to keep
your date with me?
- What?
- You mean you got a date with him?
Yes, I'm sorry. I made it just a moment
before you came in.
How do you like that?
He ain't even a first-class private.
I think he is. Even if he doesn't wear it
on his sleeve.
Ginger, you murder me.
Now, look, if you hurry,
you might catch Millie.
I might, at that. Yeah!
Hey, and that darkroom
is still out of bounds.
- Now, that's a character.
- Yeah. He is different.
I hope I wasn't too presumptuous,
telling him we had a date.
That's all right. I don't mind.
- Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Wait a minute, soldier.
You're a peculiar duck. Are you married
or engaged or something?
No, nothing like that. Why?
- Were you just born frightened?
- I don't remember.
They never let me get around much
before now.
Say, how would you like to keep
that date with me?
That'd be swell!
Well, fine. I'll get my hat.
Well, what do you know?
Any sign of Daniel?
The men haven't seen him.
Maybe he deserted.
- Us?
- No, the Army.
Now, what'll he do
without you and me?
I shouldn't wonder.
It's getting late. If he's not back
by next Thursday...
...I'm going to notify
the War Department.
That's a good idea.
- Good evening, boys.
- Daniel! Where've you been?
We've been worrying about you.
Do you know it's after 8:00?
I've been taking a lesson
in photography.
Well, you seem unusually happy
about it.
I am. It's a wonderful hobby.
What's come over you?
You never sung before.
Well, I never had anything
to sing about before.
Is merely developing pictures
such a joy?
More than I ever realized.
That kid's got me worried.
He certainly has changed.
Wouldn't know it was the same boy.
Stanley, what time is it?
It's about half past...
Something went wrong.
Some... Out of bounds...
Out of bounds?
Not for me, it isn't.
Not anymore.
Can't see.
Ginger! Ginger!
Why, it's the darkroom,
and it isn't out of bounds for me.
- Is it, Gin...?
- Somnambulism.
- Some talk.
- I knew that Daniel would never...
...withstand the rigors of Army life.
Think we should phone Dr. Schickel?
- I love you, Ginger.
- Hear that?
He loves ginger.
Never could eat it at home.
You'll love Agatha and Martha...
- Now I know he's dreaming.
- Do you think Ginger could be a woman?
Could be a cookie.
The darkroom. A beautiful darkroom.
Just let me look at you, Ginger.
- It is a cookie!
- He's in love.
- His heart will never stand it.
- Daniel, Daniel!
- You're too late, sergeant.
- It's me, Oliver.
- What's the matter?
- Who's Ginger?
She's the most wonderful girl
in the world.
Take one of these.
It'll make you forget her.
I don't wanna forget her.
Remember what Dr. Schickel said
about your heart.
- A romance would be fatal.
- Please, boys.
Go back to sleep
and let me dream.
All right. But don't overdo it.
You may wait for us, my good man.
I hope it won't take long.
You know, after 4:00...
...we pay overtime for these outfits.
She'll be putty in my hands.
Virginia Hammond. Virginia Hammond.
Miss Hammond lives upstairs in 204.
Thank you very much.
That's right. Second floor.
Thank you very much.
Remember what
you're supposed to be?
- Sure. I'm a typhoon.
- Not typhoon, tycoon.
A Wall Street tycoon.
- With a stock on the Seat Exchange.
- That's right...
Just forget it. I'll do the talking.
Stock on the Seat Ex...
How do you do?
- Miss Hammond?
- Yes.
My name is Murgatroy. This is my
business colleague, Mr. Sylvester Sneer.
We're here on a very important mission.
- Well, won't you come in?
- Thank you.
Come, Silly.
I call him Silly for short.
- Sit down, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
Nice, cozy little nest you have here,
Miss Hammond.
Well, it's comfortable.
If you don't think so, you ought to sleep
in an Army tent.
We slept in one last night.
Quite an experience. We're inspecting
Fort Merritt for the government.
Dollar-a-year men.
You'd be surprised how little
we can save out of that.
Now, look. What's this
all about, gentlemen?
Well, it's all about...
It's all about Daniel Forrester.
- You know him, of course.
- Why, I certainly do.
I think he's a wonderful boy.
- But as poor as a church mouse.
- And sick as a dog.
- I don't understand.
- Neither does he.
Poor boy, he thinks he's wealthy,
but, Miss Hammond...
...Daniel Forrester is bankrupt.
- Absolutely broke.
Our firm has been financing him
for years.
But only because of
his hopeless physical condition...
...has his hopeless financial condition
been kept secret.
Mr. Sneer and I have been carrying
quite a burden.
Believe me, my dear,
it has cost us a king's ransom.
Thank you.
But what has all this
to do with me?
Well, to take the bull by the horns...
...Daniel could never support you
on his meager salary.
And they take out for laundry too.
We know.
Daniel!
My Daniel! Broke!
Flatter than a sand dab.
Did he send you here?
No. Daniel's too proud.
- The poor, deluded darling.
- I knew you would understand.
- Understand? Understand what?
- Why, that you'd give him up.
Give up Daniel? The only thing
I have left? Are you mad?
No. Just practical.
What have I done to deserve this?
All my life I've hoped and prayed
for a Prince Charming...
...that would ride up on his white steed
and sweep me into his heart.
And now to have it all vanish,
like a shattered dream.
But you'll have your youth,
your charm...
- You're beautiful.
- Give up this human derelict.
No!
Without Daniel, I'm nothing.
A mere empty shell.
All right, Miss Hammond.
What is your price
to release your prisoner?
Now, don't forget:
we're only dollar-a-year men.
You offer me money?
Come, come, my dear.
Daniel is not such a bargain.
Please, please. I'm confused.
Miss Hammond,
I am awaiting your answer.
- No, no, Mr...
- Purgatory...
- Murgatroy.
- Murgatroy.
All of your wealth isn't enough
for me to make this sacrifice.
See? I told you we were short.
Start it at a dollar and a half.
Get out!
- Get out!
- But wait. Wait.
- Get out.
- You're taking an innocent man's life.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out, you stu...
You charlatan, you!
- What's a charlatan?
- Get out.
Boy, she's a tough customer.
What are you moping about?
She's so sweet.
Come on.
She's a woman to be reckoned with,
all right.
Personally, I thought she
was very nice.
Now, what do you know about women
of the world?
- Hello, boys.
- Hello, Daniel.
- Hello, Daniel.
- Say, we got a surprise for you.
- Really?
- We're treating you to a movie.
- And you can stay up till 10:00.
- 12:30. It's a double feature.
Yeah. And they're showing
a Mickey Duck.
Thanks a lot, boys.
But I have a date with Ginger.
Daniel, you shouldn't go out
with girls. It's dangerous.
It might affect your heart.
It has already. For the first time,
it's starting to beat.
- What?
- Our last hope is in Sergeant Hippo.
- We'll ask his advice.
- He'll charge us for it.
- It's worth it. Come on.
- Where you going?
I'm going over and see Ser...
Come on. Get up...
Well?
Come in!
Stanley.
I thought you went out of town
for the weekend.
No, sir. We like it here.
Sergeant, we need some advice.
That's what I'm here for.
What's on your mind?
Daniel's going to kill himself.
- Oh, is that all.
- He's infatuated with a woman.
- Yeah? Who is it?
- Vanilla or lemon. Or some...
- Ginger!
- Oh, Ginger.
- Ginger Hammond?
- Then you know her.
- You see, she's notorious.
- It'll mean the end of Daniel.
- I'll say it will.
- I knew you'd understand.
- You better hurry before it's too late.
- Yeah...
...he's meeting her tonight.
Maybe a talk...
...will convince him of his folly.
- That's a cinch.
- You know what, Ollie?
- What?
Deep down in his heart,
that sergeant's a good kid.
- A prince among men.
- Come on, you yaps!
- Hello.
- Where do you think you're going?
Into town. It's Saturday.
- Think you're gonna see Ginger?
- How'd you guess it?
If you know what's good for you,
you'll stay away from her.
Sorry.
She's expecting me tonight.
And I wouldn't disappoint the lady.
If you're smart, you will.
Shh!
Hello, sergeant, long time no see.
Your friend here's a pretty brave guy.
All right, sergeant. Have you
anything more to say?
- Just that I warned you.
- I'll take the chance.
Listen, Diamond Jim,
that's insubordination.
I could be plenty tough on you.
But I'm gonna be fair.
All right, your furlough is over,
wise guy.
It's the guardhouse for you.
Come on.
- Fellas!
- Come on!
- Haven't you anything to say?
- I ain't interested. Come on. Get going.
- You know what, Ollie?
- What?
I feel like a mouse.
We had to do it.
It hurt me more than it did him.
Poor Daniel!
Well, there goes our trip, Chuck.
Here's where we hit the saddle,
but hard.
- I wonder what problems they'll give us.
- You got me.
The military problem in this maneuver
will include our entire fighting force.
The division will be divided
into two opposing combat units:
The Blue Force and the White Force.
Now, the Blue Force, with a battalion
of engineers attached...
...will attack the Whites from an area
along the 70 miles of river...
...designated here.
However, before they attack...
...they will construct
a pontoon bridge...
...over which the brigade
must pass before invading...
...the area occupied by the Whites.
The problem of the White Force
is to detect the secret location...
...of this bridgehead and destroy it
before it's completed.
Hey, Daniel. Come here.
Hello, Daniel. We've come
to say goodbye.
Well, goodbye.
We're sorry for what happened,
but we had to save you from yourself.
- Yeah. She was a real vampire.
- Forget it.
- We're gonna play soldier.
- They put us in the White Army.
We're fighting the Blue Bloods.
And we bet Sergeant Hippo
$40 to his 20 that we win.
- He's giving us 2-1.
- Yeah.
Goodbye, Daniel.
Remember your diet, now.
- See you after the war. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye, Daniel.
B-2 Patrol!
- Yes, sir.
Follow this terrain to the river.
Yes, sir.
- Is this part of the river being scouted?
- Yes.
Colonel Wayburn's Blue Army
might build a bridge there.
I have a party reconnoitering
in that sector now.
Good.
Can't you miss any of those things?
We're in a minefield. Step on it!
B Patrol reporting from Sector 7.
No contact yet with enemy.
- Proceed to Gila Point.
- Proceed to Gila Point.
Yes, sir.
Proceed to Gila Point.
White Force scouting party?
What are you waiting for?
Let them have it.
Those Blue Boys couldn't hit
this side of a barn.
You said it.
You look like a biscuit.
Well, we've found the river.
How charming.
Now, if we could only find the Blue Army
bridge, we'd get a medal just as sure as...
Hey, you!
- You White Army men?
- Yes, sir.
- Patrol B-2.
- And who are you, may we ask?
This is Blue Army,
and you're our prisoners.
Pleased to meet...
Oh.
All right, come on.
Pile out of there.
- What will we do?
- Lock the car so they can't use it.
I'll put it in my mouth
in case they search me.
That's a good idea, Ollie.
Come on, you fellas.
Pile out of there.
- White Army prisoners, sir. Patrol B-2.
- Confirmed.
Report this to headquarters.
Put them to work on the bridge.
- Yes, sir.
- That isn't exactly cricket.
On the double, you guys.
Come on.
Goodbye.
Reporting capture
of your B-2 scouting party, sir.
The stupid, blundering idiots!
How does it feel to be
a yardbird in a gilded cage, soldier?
You might be interested to know
your two buddies were captured.
- Just got it through the grapevine.
- So what?
So the Blues cross the bridge,
polish off the Whites...
...and I'm 40 bucks ahead.
- Just like that, huh?
- Yeah.
Did you say Stan and Oliver
were captured?
You heard me, and if I know
my maneuvers...
...they're helping those engineers
build that bridge right now.
They're a couple of pigeons.
- But you haven't won yet.
- No.
But I still got 50
that says the Blue Army wins.
- I'll take that bet, sergeant.
- You're on, chump.
- Hey, where's that prisoner? He's gone.
- Hey!
All right, guard, you take it
through there. Come on, you follow me.
Penelope, here's your chance
to make good. Go to Stan.
Stan, do you hear?
He's got a nice, fat worm for you.
There he is!
Hey!
You'll get 20 years for this,
you deserter!
Hey, don't work any harder
than you have to for these Blues.
I won't.
- How's this?
- Perfect.
The location of the Blue Army bridge
is still undetermined.
If we don't find the bridge,
the Blue Army will cross and outflank us.
But we haven't heard
from B-5 yet, sir.
Sorry to interrupt.
I can find the bridge.
- With what, a Ouija board?
- No, by following that bird.
That bird?
You remember. It's my buddy's pet.
They're captured.
She's heading for the bridge.
Report back to your troop!
Hold on there, soldier.
It's a long chance.
But we can't win...
...waiting to be outmaneuvered.
Order the unit to follow this man!
Yes, sir.
Attention, all troops!
- The enemy's heading this way.
- How is the bridge?
- Almost complete, sir.
- Deploy for counterattack.
Deploy for counterattack.
Command Post 4, Command Post 4.
Deploy for counterattack!
Isn't there any place we can go
without that black pelican popping up?
Penelope, did you know that your
Uncle Ollie and me have been captured?
This is no place for pets.
Get back to work!
Holy Hannah, it's the White Force!
Well, that was the bridge, men.
The White Force wins.
- We've won the war!
- Yeah, and our 40 bucks!
Hooray!
General, isn't it wonderful?
There he is. There's Daniel.
Where?
Over there. See?
The Army. That's just what he needed.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
You're liable to be stepped on.
Now, stay right there.
Not so loud, Penelope,
you'll waken the master.
Penelope, who's been
teaching you to whistle?
- Hey! Shh!
- Oh, Mr. Forrester in?
Shh! I'll take it.
He's not to be disturbed.
- It's very important he gets it.
- Why? Have you read it?
It's from the draft board.
Well, Mr. Forrester is not interested,
but I'll give it to him anyway.
Well, you'd better, or he'll take
a little jaunt to prison.
Hey, Ollie! Ollie! Hey, Ollie!
Shh! If you must make a noise,
make it quietly.
- What is it?
- Look. From Daniel's draft board.
A sheer waste of postage.
Imagine even considering a man
in Daniel Forrester's physical condition.
I'd better give it to him anyway.
What, and overtax his heart?
Tear it up.
- He goes to prison if he doesn't get it.
- Nonsense.
I suppose Dr. Schickel's examination
isn't good enough.
Why, Daniel's allergic
to 108 different properties...
...including candles, cucumbers
and quinces.
Nevertheless, I'd better deliver it.
It's the Army or prison, and if
he goes to prison...
Penelope! You come back with that!
Good morning, Dr. Schickel.
Good morning. What a beautiful morning.
The birds are singing. The sun is
shining. Everything is alive.
- Dr. Schickel is here.
- Good morning, Daniel.
Good morning, Dr. Schickel.
Anything new?
Two more allergies.
- What are they now?
- Vinegar and feathers.
- Oh, dear. Isn't that...?
- There, there. Don't be upset.
Your nephew can still have his
pabulum and orange juice.
Good morning, boys. Come in.
Mr. Daniel, may we have
a leave of absence for a few years?
For a few years?
Yeah. And we're going
to prison, aren't we, Ollie?
Well, what are you talking about?
Well, we were going to deliver your draft
notice, when all of a sudden, Penelope...
- Draft notice!
- My name's come up!
- Do you think I have a chance, doctor?
- As much as a snowball in an incubator.
- Thank heavens!
- Why, it's perfectly ridiculous.
- He couldn't join the woodcraft boys.
- Eureka!
Penelope, you naughty girl.
It's my notice, all right.
- Yeah, and by airmail.
- Get that bird out of here!
Get away, get away!
He's allergic to feathers.
- I'm to appear for induction tomorrow.
- Oh, there must be some mistake.
Maybe they'll take me.
I will just send them
a few of your x-rays.
But it says I must appear personally,
and I'm going.
Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning, Ollie.
- Not you.
If that guy makes it,
my Aunt Minnie will join up.
There you are, sir.
Daniel Forrester IV.
- Sit down, please.
- Thank you. Over here, Daniel.
- Gently, gently!
- Yes, doctor.
Put that match out, quick!
- I don't see a "No Smoking" sign.
- He's allergic to sulfur.
- Next man.
- Frank Dombrowski.
- Yes, sir.
- Dombrowski? In here.
Pardon me, captain,
I'm Dr. Hugo Schickel.
Through some stupid mistake, my patient
has been ordered here for examination.
For 15 years I have struggled
to keep this pitiful boy alive.
One look at this and you can readily see
he's a doomed man.
Army regulations require
more than one look, Dr. Schickel.
If you'll just step in there,
young man.
I'm sorry, doctor. Our examinations
are conducted by Army men only.
You'll excuse us.
Army doctors.
Don't let him out of your sight.
- Snake bite?
- I'm testing his blood pressure.
Outside, please.
You're wasting your time.
You won't find any blood.
You certainly won't.
For his birthday, we were gonna
give him a blood transfusion.
Please!
- How old are you?
- Twenty-three.
And already a doddering old man.
Take a look at his ribs.
You can use them for a washboard.
Your blood pressure
is perfectly normal.
I can't believe it.
If you'll tap him, you'll find
that his blood is pure sugar.
Dr. Schickel says
he's a walking maple tree.
You hear that? His blood is so thin
you can hear it flowing through his veins.
- Must be the whistle he swallowed.
- Uh-uh. That's me.
- Well, keep quiet!
- What's the verdict, doctor?
- Perfect.
- Is there anything wrong with me?
Nothing a year in the Army won't cure.
You mean he's passed the examination?
One hundred percent.
Sarge, the cook says if the draftees
aren't in by 7, they don't get breakfast.
Well, tell him to keep his pores closed.
The train's late.
Lafayette, here we are!
Lafayette, we are here!
- Is that all the men?
- There are a couple more inside.
- You think you're on a clambake?
- We didn't hear a bugle.
- There wasn't any bugle.
- So that's why we didn't hear it.
Pipe down.
Now, we've only got till 7.
Those who want breakfast,
take it on the double.
Captain, Mr. Forrester
is not very strong.
We enlisted to see
that he got proper care.
Oh, I see.
If you'll show us to his suite,
we'll serve him there.
I'm sorry. We aimed to have that left
wing finished by the time you got here.
I'll move the general
out of his quarters tomorrow.
Well, under those circumstances,
we'll wait.
If you don't wanna eat, you're
coming along anyway for the exercise.
- I never eat this late.
- I could eat this horse.
I could go for some more shuteye.
Hey, where's the café?
Why, Penelope!
What are you doing here?
Well, what a small world.
- What's the idea of that bird?
- Why, Stan and Penelope are inseparable.
That vulture ain't camping here.
Tell her to scram or I call out
the anti-aircraft.
Did you hear what he said?
You'd better fly on home.
Go on, Penelope, go on.
It's 1500 miles,
as the crow flies.
Yeah. And turn to your left at St. Louis.
- Goodbye.
- All right, men, follow me, on the double.
Bread and butter.
Detail halt!
At ease!
All right, men. Leave your luggage here.
Breakfast on the double.
Thank you, Ollie.
Get to the end of the line, blimp!
How do you like that guy,
trying to ease in there?
Hey, chef.
Hey, chef.
All right. Take it easy.
I've only got two hands.
Plenty for everybody, boys.
Take your time.
Get some butter.
- Sanka?
- You're welcome.
- Here we are.
- Well done, Stanley.
Thank you, Ollie.
Hey, look. Hey, listen.
- You can't eat eggs.
- You know you're allergic to albumen.
I'm starved, and I'm going to eat.
What did Dr. Schickel
say about pumpernickel?
What did the Army doctor
say about Schickel?
Here, Daniel. There's a seven-course
dinner in one of these teeny pills.
In fact, a concentrated banquet.
- Does it have bacon and eggs in it?
- No, but it has essence of guinea fowl.
And spirits of spinach.
Go on, it's good for you.
No, boys, I'm going to eat food.
Even if it kills me.
It's suicide.
Now, look, fellas, it was swell of you
to join the Army to be with me.
But you have enough to do
serving Uncle Sam without serving me.
We can take care of both of you.
Well, in the meantime, you'd better
take care of your own breakfast. Look.
Pardon me. Haven't you gentlemen
made a mistake?
- Those are our eggs.
- Yeah? When did you lay them?
- I laid them on the tray a minute ago.
- Yeah.
- Did you hear anyone cackle?
- Not me.
We don't want to have any trouble,
but really, we are hungry.
We haven't eaten for three days.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
An army travels on its stomach,
you know.
What are you beefing about?
You got enough to make China and back.
Now, get going.
- Come on.
- Well, we don't know the way to China.
How ca...?
Boy, am I hungry.
There's a seven-course dinner
in one of these pills.
- That ought to hold you till lunch.
- All right, men.
Going to the Reception Center.
We've got 20 minutes.
So let's get going. On the double.
- Ollie.
- What?
- I'm still hungry.
- Glutton!
I said, on the double! Come on!
- Good morning, sergeant.
- Good morning, colonel.
A likely looking bunch
of men, sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
- I guess I spoke too soon.
- Why, yes, sir.
Is this uniform the best they could do?
Oh, I don't mind.
The man said I'd grow into it.
Dad, would you mind
taking a picture of us?
We wanna show the folks
back home how we look.
- Why, certainly.
- Thank you.
- Not too close.
- Yes, get back just a little.
Give it a little dignity.
- Ready?
- Shoot, Pop!
- Thanks.
- If they turn out good, we'll give you one.
- Good.
- How long you been in the Army?
- Thirty-two years.
- You must be a sergeant.
- No.
- Surely a corporal.
I'm afraid I'm not that lucky.
Thirty-two years in the Army
and not even a corporal?
Stan, at last I've met somebody
that's dumber than you.
Attention!
- Carry on, sergeant.
- Penelope, you mustn't hang around here.
What is this, a circus?
- Get rid of that bird immediately.
- Yes, sir.
What did I ever do to deserve
a couple of yaps like you?
- You were good to your mother?
- Pipe down.
Yes, sir.
At 10:00 you're all going over
for an IQ test.
According to your answers,
you'll be classified in a job.
Swell. We're good at quizzes,
aren't we?
Maybe they'll put me in
the Intelligence Corps.
Brother, you're with him, right now.
Where can I get some films developed?
- Hammonds' Photo Shop, over there.
- Thanks.
- Oh, hello, sergeant.
- Hi.
We seem to be bumping
into each other today.
You'll get used to that.
Where's the clerk?
I wanna have some films developed.
In a hurry? Drop them in the box,
leave your name on them.
My camera's jammed here.
Oh, yeah? Here, I'll open it for you.
Don't... Not in the light.
You'll spoil the film.
- Well, I'm an old...
- Hippo.
- Hello. Be with you in a moment.
- I can wait.
I can't find your pictures.
You in a hurry?
I can help you.
I got eyes like an owl.
Yes, and hands like an octopus.
- I'll get along better if you stay outside.
- Ginger, you got me all wrong.
Remember, out of bounds.
- Ain't she the essence of peppermint?
- She's very nice.
Very nice? She's the best filly
that ever hit the cavalry.
- Well, perhaps if I knew her better...
- Forget it. You won't have time to.
I found them in with Colonel Higgins'.
It's a good thing he didn't see them.
They're snaps of me taking jumps
on his horse.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
That's okay.
Mind if I use your darkroom?
The film's jammed in my camera.
Well, go ahead.
- And don't scratch the negative.
- I hope not.
- They're my first pictures at camp.
- Maybe I better do it for you.
- I don't wanna put you to any trouble.
- Well, that's what I'm here for.
That don't add up.
Now, you turn that little key.
- It's really jammed, all right.
- Now, slip your hand under mine.
And when I squeeze,
you pull the catch.
- All right, I'm ready.
- There.
- Shall I unroll it?
- Why not develop it?
- Will it take long?
- Just a few minutes.
You haven't been in the Army long,
have you?
How can you tell?
I don't know. You looked shy
when you came in.
Well, I was sort of surprised
to see a girl here.
Especially such a pretty one.
- Now you're sounding like a trooper.
- Is that good?
Well, not in the darkroom.
What's that, a balloon?
No, that's my friend Oliver.
- What's that next to him?
- That's the other one, Stan.
They used to work for me.
Now we're buddies.
Has Ripley seen them?
I'm sorry,
was there something else?
You wanna collect for the pictures?
- Are you gonna pay cash this time?
- Yeah, how much?
- Dollar-twenty.
- When will mine be finished?
- Tomorrow night.
- I'll be in.
- What's your name?
- I'll bring them. He's in my troop.
Don't bother.
I can pick them up.
No bother at all. Always glad
to do a favor for a pal.
- See you later.
- Goodbye.
Well, say, sergeant.
You're a nice fella.
Next time you want pictures developed,
drop them in that box and evacuate.
- But...
- The darkroom's out of bounds.
Wanna learn how to develop?
Transfer to the Signal Corps.
- But my camera was jammed.
- Oh, yeah?
The next time I'm gonna jam that camera
right down...
That's assembly. Now, get going.
In the meantime, I'm gonna pick out
a nice, cush job for you.
Well, thank you, sergeant.
- Come on, cowboy!
- Hang on to the bronc!
- They don't even give him a parachute.
- Or a pillow.
There, how do you like that
for riding, Ginger?
- That's Corporal Peters, isn't it?
- One of the saltiest guys in the troop.
Why, he couldn't ride a rocking horse
when he first came here.
I taught him everything he knows.
Is that so?
How do you like that?
Now, listen, men.
If you think we've put on this rodeo
just to entertain you guys, you're wrong.
After you get your training,
some of you'll do a hitch in this corral.
Now, the Army needs riders
to bust remounts.
Any of you that have had
horse experience, we can use you.
I been tangling with broncs
since I was knee-high to a coyote.
Good.
How about you, Mr. Moneybags?
Well, I did some riding
on our estate in Vermont.
But then he was only a little twerp.
That was long before he was stricken.
I see you got your alibi all set up.
You can cough up that silver spoon now.
Because in the Army,
we all start from scratch.
Just a minute, sergeant.
I'll give it a try.
Daniel. Daniel, don't say that.
He couldn't be trusted
on a merry-go-round.
It's suicide, sergeant.
- What do you say, soldier?
- Get a horse ready.
Okay. Hey, Murph, throw a
saddle on that new one, 806.
- Say, Daniel...
- Come back here.
Agatha and Martha
won't forgive us.
Listen.
Good luck, soldier.
Don't you know that you're allergic
to horses too?
Let him go.
Daniel!
- Get off there. It's a wild horse.
- Oh! Oh!
Is he still on the horse?
Look!
Oh!
- Stop!
- Hang on!
Attaboy!
- He's doing all right.
- Why, sure.
Hang on to him, boy.
What a rider!
Yeah, but he ain't riding regulation.
Look at that hump on his back.
It looks like a knapsack.
Look at the way he's hanging on
to that saddle.
That's what I call disgusting.
Why don't you show him how, sergeant.
All right, I will. Pick him up.
Hey, you're all nerve and no talent.
I'll show you how to ride regulation.
Get a load of this technique.
Let her go!
Why didn't you guys wait
till I was ready?
You thought it was funny
when the horse threw the sergeant.
Well, after all,
I only smiled out loud.
Yeah. You smiled so loud
that he had us tow these nags...
...five miles uphill just to exercise them.
Well, it'll do them good.
Well, I'm going to take
a little nap right here.
I guess the Army
wouldn't miss a little nap.
- But we'd better not oversleep.
- We'll take turns. Ten minutes each.
That's a good idea.
Oh, boy.
Oh, this is...
Selfish.
- What's that?
- Would they declare war without us?
The horses!
- What'll the sergeant say?
- We'd better get back to camp.
Cease firing!
Hits, 92 percent.
Take it through again, Smitty.
- Look.
- It's only a dead dud.
Don't throw it away.
We'll keep it as a souvenir.
- All right.
- Hey, look.
- Let's steal a ride back to camp.
- Okay.
Strange-looking vehicle, isn't it?
Yeah, it looks like one of those
election-campaign wagons.
Maybe they're electing a new general.
Well, if the sergeant's running,
I'm not so sure if I'd vote for him or not.
That goes double.
Commence firing.
- What's that?
- Sounds like an Oregon woodpecker.
No. An Oregon woodpecker
makes a much softer sound.
That's like the Tennessee woodpecker
that thrives on hickory.
It goes something like this:
Is it that loud?
Did I hear shooting?
No, that was you
imitating a woodpecker.
And very good too.
Did you notice these holes before?
I don't remember.
We're at war!
The enemy's firing on us.
- I can't hear you. The noise.
- Machine guns.
- What?
- Get down. Do you wanna be killed?
Pull in your tummy!
Stop shooting!
We'll surrender!
Cease firing.
- We'd better report this.
- We'd better get out of here.
Let's go!
Ah!
Well, I'm a pigeon-toed prairie dog!
Did you boys get lost?
- What an experience we have had.
- We sure have.
- What now?
- We're at war.
- What are you talking about?
- We were attacked by machine guns.
They weren't woodpeckers either.
You boys better watch your diet.
There you are. I told you
he wouldn't believe us.
- Look.
- Where'd you get that?
On the battlefield.
We're gonna make a bud vase
for Aunt Agatha and Martha.
- How?
- Well, like this:
- Look out!
- It's all right. It's only a dud dead.
- A dead dud.
- See? It's all tarnished.
Won't that make a pretty souvenir
after it's polished?
Look, it's full of powder.
Hey! That's Private Meeley's tobacco!
So it is. I'll take it outside and sift it.
Yeah, we'll sift it.
Here you are!
The horses came in alone and sweating.
Where you been?
- Didn't they tell you?
- Who?
The horses. No, I mean...
- Funny man, huh?
- No, we've got news for you.
- Haven't we, Ollie?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Spill it.
- We're at war.
- Look.
- They shot them off.
Don't give me that malarkey.
Why, this tent looks like a flophouse.
Do you guys have pillow fights?
No, sir. We're too tired for that.
We're having an inspection
by General Taylor.
- Who's that?
- Never mind.
Police up this tent
and get into dress O.D.'s.
Yes, sir.
That goes for you too, Mr. Pot o' Gold.
Will I have time to wash up?
All right, but make it snappy.
Come on, get with it.
- On the double?
- Yes.
- Make up this cot, regulation.
- Yes, sir.
- And this one too.
- Yes, sir.
- Just a minute...
- None of your lip, rookie.
Fold that blanket
like I showed you.
- Sir, that's not...
- You gonna tell me how to make a bed?
- No, but...
- And there's no "buts" in the Army.
What are you two yaps doing,
playing games?
- We were only trying to tell you...
- You ain't telling me anything.
Stop arguing. If you spoil
Troop D's record...
...I'll run you through a meat-grinder.
Rattle your hocks.
- But you won't listen.
- Now, get this.
I'm the big noise around here.
And you guys do the listening, see?
Give me a match.
And you yaps be ready.
The sergeant is certainly
a headstrong man.
You're right. He doesn't appreciate
real friends.
- What was that?
- I heard something too.
Possibly a woodpecker.
Look. They've assigned us a porter.
You may start over here, my good man,
and you may have Thursdays off.
Twice a week.
Listen, you jugheads!
It sounds like Sergeant Hippo.
- It sure does.
- It is Sergeant Hippo.
In camouflage.
I don't care if it takes
the rest of my life.
- I'm gonna find out which of you...
- Has anyone seen Sergeant Hippo?
Here, sir.
What are you trying to do?
Put on a minstrel show?
We've got an inspection
in 10 minutes.
- Yes, sir.
- You're a fine example for the men.
Get out and try to make yourself
look like a trooper.
Yes, lieutenant.
Carry on.
Did you get a load of the big noise?
His face is all black.
Old Black Joe.
Yes.
- I never saw...
- I didn't either.
Attention!
Hey.
Hi, buddies.
Present arms!
Of all the insolent, stubborn...
We're shipping her home tomorrow.
She'll never stand the altitude.
You get rid of that bird
before the Army gets rid of us.
What am I going to do with her?
Ditch her. Here comes the colonel,
the general, the whole outfit.
- Hurry up!
- Quick! Hold this gun.
All right, hurry up, now.
Get rid of it.
What did you wanna put that
in my pants for?
- What was that?
- A frog in the throat...
...sir.
Are you men with Troop D?
Yes, sir, we're neighbors
of Troop C.
They're the swellest bunch.
Ah!
Are you nervous, son?
- A little, sir.
- He's the sensitive type.
- Now, just relax, soldier.
- I'll try to, sir.
As you were!
- What is all this?
- We like him, sir.
He's very nice to us.
Turn that over!
Oh!
Ah! Ooh.
Ooh! Ooh!
Was that a blackbird?
No, sir. They don't come
this far south.
Get that walleyed peacock
out of there!
Yes, sir.
Take Highway 66,
and when you get...
You call this a military formation?
I want a full report of this
sent to headquarters at once.
Dismissed!
I was never so humiliated
in all my life.
Nothing to laugh at. I thought you
were pretty good.
If I knew the Army
was so fun...
...I'd have enlisted long ago.
- It's all in the point of view.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm gonna get our pictures. So long.
- So long.
- Goodbye. I hope they turn out good.
- I'm worried about that boy.
- What's the matter?
He's been acting strange
the last day or two.
- Strange?
- He's too happy.
You know how he was
before he went into Watson's malady?
I'll never forget it.
That was terrible.
- Say, Ollie.
- What?
What time is it?
- It's nearly half past.
- Thank you, Ollie.
- Hello there, trooper.
- Good evening.
Hey, what's this?
Did I win the daily double?
That was a dollar bill you gave me.
I thought it was a 5.
Even so, you counted 10.
You'll never get rich...
I know the song. Anyway,
what's money?
- Mere scraps of paper. I hate it.
- Me too.
Come on, how about another nickel?
Oh, dear. I must be slipping.
- Good night, Ginger.
- Night.
Are my pictures finished?
You didn't give me your name.
They're easily identified.
I'm in the pictures.
Yes, now, let's see. I remember.
You were standing
with an observation balloon and a...
- A fire hydrant.
- That's the one with Oliver and Stan.
They're in the darkroom.
Wanna see?
- If it's not too much trouble.
- Come on in.
Here they are.
- That's my first day at camp.
- Before they issued your muscles.
- That's right.
- The Army agrees with you.
I like it more all the time.
I've heard that record played before.
Maybe you have, but I find Army life
very fascinating.
- I thought you meant...
- That's exactly what I meant.
In spite of the hard work, I like it.
Look, a double exposure.
We've spoiled that one.
I'm on it twice.
Well, I don't think that spoils it.
That's me on a bucking horse.
Boy, I sure had my hands full.
- Yes, isn't that a good action shot?
- Yeah.
- Hello, Hippo.
- Hi, Ginge.
How about zooming
over to San Felipe tonight?
- Zooming?
- I borrowed a motorcycle...
...and took off the sidecar.
You'll ride on the tank.
- On a motorcycle?
- Jump into slacks...
...and let's get to whizzing.
- Not me, pal.
- All right, we'll take the bus, then.
- Not tonight. Thanks, my boy.
Listen, you can't do that to me.
Millie wanted me to take her.
I said no, you and me had a date.
Well, now, isn't that dandy?
Maybe I have a date.
- Come on. Let's get going, will you?
- Sorry, Hippo.
Listen, sugarfoot, little old Hips
has had a tough day...
...and he sure could use
some giggling.
Here's one of Sergeant Hippo
that'll make you laugh.
Hello, sergeant. Did you see this?
I ain't interested. Listen, Mr. Got-Rocks,
what did I say about that darkroom?
- I looked up regulations...
- It's out of bounds.
This happens to be
a private concession.
- Yeah, so I noticed.
- Now, let's not have a row.
There won't be any row
if Mr. Fancy-Pants here...
...stays out of that darkroom.
- Excuse me.
- With muscles!
- Wait a minute.
Aren't you going to keep
your date with me?
- What?
- You mean you got a date with him?
Yes, I'm sorry. I made it just a moment
before you came in.
How do you like that?
He ain't even a first-class private.
I think he is. Even if he doesn't wear it
on his sleeve.
Ginger, you murder me.
Now, look, if you hurry,
you might catch Millie.
I might, at that. Yeah!
Hey, and that darkroom
is still out of bounds.
- Now, that's a character.
- Yeah. He is different.
I hope I wasn't too presumptuous,
telling him we had a date.
That's all right. I don't mind.
- Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Wait a minute, soldier.
You're a peculiar duck. Are you married
or engaged or something?
No, nothing like that. Why?
- Were you just born frightened?
- I don't remember.
They never let me get around much
before now.
Say, how would you like to keep
that date with me?
That'd be swell!
Well, fine. I'll get my hat.
Well, what do you know?
Any sign of Daniel?
The men haven't seen him.
Maybe he deserted.
- Us?
- No, the Army.
Now, what'll he do
without you and me?
I shouldn't wonder.
It's getting late. If he's not back
by next Thursday...
...I'm going to notify
the War Department.
That's a good idea.
- Good evening, boys.
- Daniel! Where've you been?
We've been worrying about you.
Do you know it's after 8:00?
I've been taking a lesson
in photography.
Well, you seem unusually happy
about it.
I am. It's a wonderful hobby.
What's come over you?
You never sung before.
Well, I never had anything
to sing about before.
Is merely developing pictures
such a joy?
More than I ever realized.
That kid's got me worried.
He certainly has changed.
Wouldn't know it was the same boy.
Stanley, what time is it?
It's about half past...
Something went wrong.
Some... Out of bounds...
Out of bounds?
Not for me, it isn't.
Not anymore.
Can't see.
Ginger! Ginger!
Why, it's the darkroom,
and it isn't out of bounds for me.
- Is it, Gin...?
- Somnambulism.
- Some talk.
- I knew that Daniel would never...
...withstand the rigors of Army life.
Think we should phone Dr. Schickel?
- I love you, Ginger.
- Hear that?
He loves ginger.
Never could eat it at home.
You'll love Agatha and Martha...
- Now I know he's dreaming.
- Do you think Ginger could be a woman?
Could be a cookie.
The darkroom. A beautiful darkroom.
Just let me look at you, Ginger.
- It is a cookie!
- He's in love.
- His heart will never stand it.
- Daniel, Daniel!
- You're too late, sergeant.
- It's me, Oliver.
- What's the matter?
- Who's Ginger?
She's the most wonderful girl
in the world.
Take one of these.
It'll make you forget her.
I don't wanna forget her.
Remember what Dr. Schickel said
about your heart.
- A romance would be fatal.
- Please, boys.
Go back to sleep
and let me dream.
All right. But don't overdo it.
You may wait for us, my good man.
I hope it won't take long.
You know, after 4:00...
...we pay overtime for these outfits.
She'll be putty in my hands.
Virginia Hammond. Virginia Hammond.
Miss Hammond lives upstairs in 204.
Thank you very much.
That's right. Second floor.
Thank you very much.
Remember what
you're supposed to be?
- Sure. I'm a typhoon.
- Not typhoon, tycoon.
A Wall Street tycoon.
- With a stock on the Seat Exchange.
- That's right...
Just forget it. I'll do the talking.
Stock on the Seat Ex...
How do you do?
- Miss Hammond?
- Yes.
My name is Murgatroy. This is my
business colleague, Mr. Sylvester Sneer.
We're here on a very important mission.
- Well, won't you come in?
- Thank you.
Come, Silly.
I call him Silly for short.
- Sit down, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
Nice, cozy little nest you have here,
Miss Hammond.
Well, it's comfortable.
If you don't think so, you ought to sleep
in an Army tent.
We slept in one last night.
Quite an experience. We're inspecting
Fort Merritt for the government.
Dollar-a-year men.
You'd be surprised how little
we can save out of that.
Now, look. What's this
all about, gentlemen?
Well, it's all about...
It's all about Daniel Forrester.
- You know him, of course.
- Why, I certainly do.
I think he's a wonderful boy.
- But as poor as a church mouse.
- And sick as a dog.
- I don't understand.
- Neither does he.
Poor boy, he thinks he's wealthy,
but, Miss Hammond...
...Daniel Forrester is bankrupt.
- Absolutely broke.
Our firm has been financing him
for years.
But only because of
his hopeless physical condition...
...has his hopeless financial condition
been kept secret.
Mr. Sneer and I have been carrying
quite a burden.
Believe me, my dear,
it has cost us a king's ransom.
Thank you.
But what has all this
to do with me?
Well, to take the bull by the horns...
...Daniel could never support you
on his meager salary.
And they take out for laundry too.
We know.
Daniel!
My Daniel! Broke!
Flatter than a sand dab.
Did he send you here?
No. Daniel's too proud.
- The poor, deluded darling.
- I knew you would understand.
- Understand? Understand what?
- Why, that you'd give him up.
Give up Daniel? The only thing
I have left? Are you mad?
No. Just practical.
What have I done to deserve this?
All my life I've hoped and prayed
for a Prince Charming...
...that would ride up on his white steed
and sweep me into his heart.
And now to have it all vanish,
like a shattered dream.
But you'll have your youth,
your charm...
- You're beautiful.
- Give up this human derelict.
No!
Without Daniel, I'm nothing.
A mere empty shell.
All right, Miss Hammond.
What is your price
to release your prisoner?
Now, don't forget:
we're only dollar-a-year men.
You offer me money?
Come, come, my dear.
Daniel is not such a bargain.
Please, please. I'm confused.
Miss Hammond,
I am awaiting your answer.
- No, no, Mr...
- Purgatory...
- Murgatroy.
- Murgatroy.
All of your wealth isn't enough
for me to make this sacrifice.
See? I told you we were short.
Start it at a dollar and a half.
Get out!
- Get out!
- But wait. Wait.
- Get out.
- You're taking an innocent man's life.
Get out!
Get out!
Get out, you stu...
You charlatan, you!
- What's a charlatan?
- Get out.
Boy, she's a tough customer.
What are you moping about?
She's so sweet.
Come on.
She's a woman to be reckoned with,
all right.
Personally, I thought she
was very nice.
Now, what do you know about women
of the world?
- Hello, boys.
- Hello, Daniel.
- Hello, Daniel.
- Say, we got a surprise for you.
- Really?
- We're treating you to a movie.
- And you can stay up till 10:00.
- 12:30. It's a double feature.
Yeah. And they're showing
a Mickey Duck.
Thanks a lot, boys.
But I have a date with Ginger.
Daniel, you shouldn't go out
with girls. It's dangerous.
It might affect your heart.
It has already. For the first time,
it's starting to beat.
- What?
- Our last hope is in Sergeant Hippo.
- We'll ask his advice.
- He'll charge us for it.
- It's worth it. Come on.
- Where you going?
I'm going over and see Ser...
Come on. Get up...
Well?
Come in!
Stanley.
I thought you went out of town
for the weekend.
No, sir. We like it here.
Sergeant, we need some advice.
That's what I'm here for.
What's on your mind?
Daniel's going to kill himself.
- Oh, is that all.
- He's infatuated with a woman.
- Yeah? Who is it?
- Vanilla or lemon. Or some...
- Ginger!
- Oh, Ginger.
- Ginger Hammond?
- Then you know her.
- You see, she's notorious.
- It'll mean the end of Daniel.
- I'll say it will.
- I knew you'd understand.
- You better hurry before it's too late.
- Yeah...
...he's meeting her tonight.
Maybe a talk...
...will convince him of his folly.
- That's a cinch.
- You know what, Ollie?
- What?
Deep down in his heart,
that sergeant's a good kid.
- A prince among men.
- Come on, you yaps!
- Hello.
- Where do you think you're going?
Into town. It's Saturday.
- Think you're gonna see Ginger?
- How'd you guess it?
If you know what's good for you,
you'll stay away from her.
Sorry.
She's expecting me tonight.
And I wouldn't disappoint the lady.
If you're smart, you will.
Shh!
Hello, sergeant, long time no see.
Your friend here's a pretty brave guy.
All right, sergeant. Have you
anything more to say?
- Just that I warned you.
- I'll take the chance.
Listen, Diamond Jim,
that's insubordination.
I could be plenty tough on you.
But I'm gonna be fair.
All right, your furlough is over,
wise guy.
It's the guardhouse for you.
Come on.
- Fellas!
- Come on!
- Haven't you anything to say?
- I ain't interested. Come on. Get going.
- You know what, Ollie?
- What?
I feel like a mouse.
We had to do it.
It hurt me more than it did him.
Poor Daniel!
Well, there goes our trip, Chuck.
Here's where we hit the saddle,
but hard.
- I wonder what problems they'll give us.
- You got me.
The military problem in this maneuver
will include our entire fighting force.
The division will be divided
into two opposing combat units:
The Blue Force and the White Force.
Now, the Blue Force, with a battalion
of engineers attached...
...will attack the Whites from an area
along the 70 miles of river...
...designated here.
However, before they attack...
...they will construct
a pontoon bridge...
...over which the brigade
must pass before invading...
...the area occupied by the Whites.
The problem of the White Force
is to detect the secret location...
...of this bridgehead and destroy it
before it's completed.
Hey, Daniel. Come here.
Hello, Daniel. We've come
to say goodbye.
Well, goodbye.
We're sorry for what happened,
but we had to save you from yourself.
- Yeah. She was a real vampire.
- Forget it.
- We're gonna play soldier.
- They put us in the White Army.
We're fighting the Blue Bloods.
And we bet Sergeant Hippo
$40 to his 20 that we win.
- He's giving us 2-1.
- Yeah.
Goodbye, Daniel.
Remember your diet, now.
- See you after the war. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Goodbye, Daniel.
B-2 Patrol!
- Yes, sir.
Follow this terrain to the river.
Yes, sir.
- Is this part of the river being scouted?
- Yes.
Colonel Wayburn's Blue Army
might build a bridge there.
I have a party reconnoitering
in that sector now.
Good.
Can't you miss any of those things?
We're in a minefield. Step on it!
B Patrol reporting from Sector 7.
No contact yet with enemy.
- Proceed to Gila Point.
- Proceed to Gila Point.
Yes, sir.
Proceed to Gila Point.
White Force scouting party?
What are you waiting for?
Let them have it.
Those Blue Boys couldn't hit
this side of a barn.
You said it.
You look like a biscuit.
Well, we've found the river.
How charming.
Now, if we could only find the Blue Army
bridge, we'd get a medal just as sure as...
Hey, you!
- You White Army men?
- Yes, sir.
- Patrol B-2.
- And who are you, may we ask?
This is Blue Army,
and you're our prisoners.
Pleased to meet...
Oh.
All right, come on.
Pile out of there.
- What will we do?
- Lock the car so they can't use it.
I'll put it in my mouth
in case they search me.
That's a good idea, Ollie.
Come on, you fellas.
Pile out of there.
- White Army prisoners, sir. Patrol B-2.
- Confirmed.
Report this to headquarters.
Put them to work on the bridge.
- Yes, sir.
- That isn't exactly cricket.
On the double, you guys.
Come on.
Goodbye.
Reporting capture
of your B-2 scouting party, sir.
The stupid, blundering idiots!
How does it feel to be
a yardbird in a gilded cage, soldier?
You might be interested to know
your two buddies were captured.
- Just got it through the grapevine.
- So what?
So the Blues cross the bridge,
polish off the Whites...
...and I'm 40 bucks ahead.
- Just like that, huh?
- Yeah.
Did you say Stan and Oliver
were captured?
You heard me, and if I know
my maneuvers...
...they're helping those engineers
build that bridge right now.
They're a couple of pigeons.
- But you haven't won yet.
- No.
But I still got 50
that says the Blue Army wins.
- I'll take that bet, sergeant.
- You're on, chump.
- Hey, where's that prisoner? He's gone.
- Hey!
All right, guard, you take it
through there. Come on, you follow me.
Penelope, here's your chance
to make good. Go to Stan.
Stan, do you hear?
He's got a nice, fat worm for you.
There he is!
Hey!
You'll get 20 years for this,
you deserter!
Hey, don't work any harder
than you have to for these Blues.
I won't.
- How's this?
- Perfect.
The location of the Blue Army bridge
is still undetermined.
If we don't find the bridge,
the Blue Army will cross and outflank us.
But we haven't heard
from B-5 yet, sir.
Sorry to interrupt.
I can find the bridge.
- With what, a Ouija board?
- No, by following that bird.
That bird?
You remember. It's my buddy's pet.
They're captured.
She's heading for the bridge.
Report back to your troop!
Hold on there, soldier.
It's a long chance.
But we can't win...
...waiting to be outmaneuvered.
Order the unit to follow this man!
Yes, sir.
Attention, all troops!
- The enemy's heading this way.
- How is the bridge?
- Almost complete, sir.
- Deploy for counterattack.
Deploy for counterattack.
Command Post 4, Command Post 4.
Deploy for counterattack!
Isn't there any place we can go
without that black pelican popping up?
Penelope, did you know that your
Uncle Ollie and me have been captured?
This is no place for pets.
Get back to work!
Holy Hannah, it's the White Force!
Well, that was the bridge, men.
The White Force wins.
- We've won the war!
- Yeah, and our 40 bucks!
Hooray!
General, isn't it wonderful?
There he is. There's Daniel.
Where?
Over there. See?
The Army. That's just what he needed.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group