Good Girls Get High (2018) - full transcript
- Okay, so, hello,
Harvard Admissions people.
This is Sam Jansen.
Um, I've called a few times
and I sent some E-mails,
but I haven't heard back,
so I decided to create
this video for you guys.
Um, I'd like to think
that I haven't
made a lot of mistakes
in my life.
But this would be a big one.
I mean, who turns down Harvard
and then...
comes back a few days later?
But I'm asking you guys
to let me back in.
A lot has happened
this last weekend.
So, let me start
from the beginning.
-This is me.
And this is my best friend...
Danielle.
And that guy twerking on the
mantel, that's the pizza guy.
This is what Danielle and I
have done every Friday night
since we were 12.
We call it
pizza-and-a-doc night.
Our favorite documentary
is about sea mammals.
Our pizza of choice is known
as the Samielle Special.
It's a veggie pie,
half no cheese
because Danielle
is lactose intolerant,
half extra-cheese
because I think that cheese
is the greatest thing
ever invented.
I would say it's better than
sex, but in my case,
that would be
an untested hypothesis.
Senior year was almost over,
and while everyone else was
going to prom and being crazy,
Danielle and I were just
doing our own thing.
My family owns
an ice cream shop.
I know what you're thinking.
But, honestly,
it's not that great.
I've been working here
since I was a kid,
and after a while,
even ice cream can get boring.
Our business has been
really struggling
since some trend-savvy
competitors arrived.
A grown man in a unicorn
costume serving ice cream.
Wha... How are we supposed
to compete with that?
Anyway, the stress was
really getting to my dad.
- Found these sunglasses
in the Dumpster.
We can do a giveaway...
If you buy a pint of ice cream,
you get a pair of sunglasses
free!
Cool, huh?
-I don't know.
The color is kind of intense.
-Intense is bad?
Okay, how about this?
For $1.00, you can put
as much ice cream
as you can stuff
into your mouth.
That's gonna work.
-I don't know, Dad.
-Anda pair of sunglasses.
- Hey, Dad, I was wondering
if we could talk
about my college options?
- Yeah, but we need
to do it later,
'cause I need to get over
to the bank.
They're about to close.
- Every time
I brought up college,
there was a banking emergency.
So I finally took the hint.
We can't afford it.
I mean, it's like...
it's like 80,000 cones
a semester.
You will go to state
with Danielle.
Okay. Here it goes.
I never told anyone
I got into Harvard.
I mean, why rub it in?
- So, I was watching
some great speeches
in our nation's history,
like Martin Luther King's
"I Have a Dream" speech
and FDR's "A Date Which
Will Live in Infamy,"
and Oprah's
Golden Globes speech.
And I was thinking that
open-air co-valedictorian speech
with some spoken-word poetry
might be the answer.
What's wrong?
Would you like to start
with a scientific fact?
-No. I'm fine.
-Ready?
-Yeah.
- Ricotta. Mozzarella sticks.
Mac-and-cheese balls.
- Damn, that's a lot of stuff
you can't eat.
- Listen, I love dairy,
it just doesn't love me back.
We're like Zelda
and F. Scott Fitzgerald.
- I love the name Zelda.
- Me, too.
Moms? What's going on?
- Have you checked your E-mail?
- Not in the last 15 minutes.
- Okay, we did something parents
are never supposed to do.
-And we normally never would.
- But we heard a pinging sound,
and the browser was open.
-Did you check my E-mail?
-Not proud of it, but...
-You heard from Harvard.
-What?!
"After careful consideration
of your supplemental materials,
the Admissions Committee
has decided
to take you off the wait list
and offer you a place
in Harvard's class of 2022!"
- They must have really loved
your poem on Standing Rock.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- It's happening!
- It's happening. It's hap...
- I'm not gonna lie, I thought
about hacking into your website
and crashing
the Admissions page.
But I still didn't tell
Danielle I'd gotten in.
I mean, it's not like
I could suddenly afford it
now that Danielle was going.
-Hey, we're heading out, okay?
You guys have
everything you need?
-Yeah, we're all set.
-We're so proud of you.
- So proud!
- So proud of you!
-Oh, my God!
- Mwah!
Rashida Jones went there.
- Barack Obama went there.
- Yeah, okay, okay, thank you.
Good night!
- Good night, good night.
Good night, female leaders
of tomorrow.
Jeremy is so beautiful.
Even his Instagram
is perfectly curated.
- I can't believe
he's with Ashanti.
- Yeah, well, she's an
influencer, he's an artist.
They're a power couple.
- Oh, she just posted a video.
- You want to go
from lash to tip
while chanting
the mantra "satnam."
I'm using MAC's Extended Play
Gigablack Lash Mascara.
Satnam.
Satnam. Satnam.
- The yoga makeup-advertisement
tutorials
are just a platform
for my social-justice activism.
We have to find new ways
to highlight
the importance
of intersectionality.
-I'll never be that cool.
- I heard she raised 10K
for Puerto Rico
with a single tweet.
-How does she do it?
She's pretty,
she's nice to everyone,
she gets good grades,
she's flexible.
-She's really bad at softball.
- All right, you guys.
Last day of school.
All right, iPhones away!
Come on.
Let's pull out
our periodic tables,
get your beakers fired up.
Today we're gonna be talking
about liquid nitrogen.
First discovered
by a Scottish physician
named Daniel Rutherford in 1772,
liquid nitrogen is
a love potion.
That's right, girl.
Sam?
Sam?
Sam!
- Yeah?
- Hey.
Uh, will you bring these teacher
evaluations to the office?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Hey, I think the yearbooks
came out today.
- Hey, Danielle.
- I'm good.
Shit.
Oh, look.
It's Jeremy's thesis project.
He's a genius.
- I'm surprised no one's
stolen that iPhone yet.
-Yo. Fuckin' watch it, backpack.
-Ooh, vaga-dictorians.
That's fuckin' funny.
-Ugh. I hate those guys!
-Let's go get our yearbooks.
-Okay.
Okay, go to page 65 first.
-Okay.
You got us
a dedication page.
Aww, "Samielle." I love it.
Ooh, the awards section.
Jeremy got
Biggest Art Star.
What the?
"Biggest Good Girls"?!
What kind of bullshit category
is that?
- "Sam Jansen
and Danielle Compton
are undoubtedly
Woodbright High's
most accomplished
co-valedictorians.
Sam won state science fair
four years in a row,
and Danielle had
her first volume of poetry
published at age 14.
These two are good girls
to watch out for."
- Good girls. It's condescending.
- It's just a moniker.
Would you prefer
"affable young women"?
-It's so neutered.
Is that really
what people think about us?
- No, it's a stupid
yearbook award.
I think you're overreacting.
- Am I?
Let's take a brief inventory
of our lives.
- Okay.
- We don't have cars.
- We're environmentalists.
- We've never been to a party.
- What about that time we went
to your moms' ACLU benefit?
- Sam, we've literally
never done anything bad.
- Do you remember
when we skipped school
to go see Al Gore's lecture
on climate change?
That was bad.
Okay, I had a test that day.
Just to reassure you,
I took that test the next day,
and I aced it.
Anyway, this... this
whole yearbook thing
really sent Danielle
over the edge.
- I want to take a gap year.
- What about Harvard?
- I want to go to Europe,
where art was born.
- Actually, I think
art was born in India.
-But I'm not a good girl!
- Period.
- Duh.
- But the manatee
has become endangered
due to two major threats...
Loss of habitat and collisions
with boats and ships.
- Hey, Sam.
- Hey, Mr. D.
-How's it going?
- It's going good. Um, yeah.
How are you? - Doing great.
Just getting ready
for a crazy night,
so I will take a scoop
of mint-chocolate-chip
ice cream, please.
- Okay, I will get that.
I will get that for you.
I really love mint chip, too.
It's very minty. - Mm.
- And really...
Really fresh breath
in my mouth.
You must try... your mouth.
And there you go.
- Great. All right.
And how much do I owe ya?
- Uh, consider it an
end-of-the-semester gift.
-Ah, well, thank you.
Hey, what, uh, school
did you decide on?
-I'm going to state.
Uh, private schools
are crazy expensive,
and state gave me
a scholarship, so...
- Well, state is
an awesome choice.
I'm gonna miss you, Sam.
- Thank you.
I love him.
-What's up?
- Hey, do you want
to go get piercings?
-Uh, no can do.
I'm going to the big
end-of-the-year party later.
Shit's gonna be fucking lit.
I heard at the same party last
year, someone fucked a dog.
- What? How'd they get it
to stay still?
-I don't know all the details.
- Uh, where's the party?
- At Dave Silverstein's house.
- Is he related
to Shel Silverstein?
-Who?
- You know,
"Where the Sidewalk Ends."
-The sidewalk ends somewhere?
- Just forget it.
Who's gonna be there?
-Everyone's going.
Jeremy's gonna be debuting
a new art project.
At least, he's supposed to.
I'm not sure how he's doing
after the break-up and shit.
-Break-up?
- Yes, bitch,
what have you not heard?
Ashanti broke up with him.
I'm taking your silence
as excited.
I know, it's fucking amazing!
-Ugh, unicorns.
-Hey, Dad, check it out!
I got a perfect score
on my A.P. comp final.
-Good job, honey.
-Okay.
I'm just gonna do some laundry.
Dad?
-What do you think?
- It's not my favorite look
of yours.
Is that
your stage manager shirt?
If one of those safety pins
decided to open,
she could have been poked...
Badly.
Can I show you something?
-Yeah.
- These are the boobs
that I want.
-I don't get it.
Our entire culture is based
on people's obsession
with big boobs.
- I'd rather be able
to jog comfortably.
Okay, we should work on
our co-valedictorian speech.
Do you want to
start with a quote?
- No, no, everybody starts
with quotes.
Actually, I heard about
this party tonight.
Maybe we could pop in.
- We never pop in.
- Yeah, but it's what
normal high-school kids do.
-I need to show you something.
-Is that what I think it is?
-I think so.
- This is illegal.
- In most states, yes.
- Where? How?
- I have my ways.
-Should we smoke it?
-What if it's not even pot?
It smells like pot.
- How do you know
what pot smells like?
- From that time my moms
took me to the Lilith Fair.
-You have to bear in mind
that Danielle
is extremely persuasive.
She's the captain
of the debate team.
The captain!
- Come on, Sam,
I haven't even lit it yet.
-Frankincense is very strong.
Okay. Um, this article says
there are over 700 strains
of the marijuana plant.
They're broken up into
three distinct groups,
indica, sativa, and hybrid.
Each has a different effect.
How will we know
which kind we have?
- There's only one way
to find out.
Let's give our joint a name.
-Let's call it Justin Bieber.
-Why?
-I don't know.
- I don't think
I'm feeling anything.
Are you experiencing
heavy eyelids,
an increased appetite,
or hyper-awareness
to sensory experiences?
-I feel like we're in 3-D.
-Aren't we always in 3-D?
-Yeah, but... more.
-There are also a lot
of super-negative
side effects listed.
- Like what?
- Coughing, asthma.
Oh, my God.
I for... I forgot
to bring my inhaler.
-Sam, we're in yourroom.
- Oh. Oh, yeah.
Close call.
Oh, my God.
I just got a text from Mr. D.
Damn it. I forgot to turn in
the teacher evaluations.
I got so sidetracked by
the whole yearbook thing.
- You should text him back.
- Okay.
I forgot how to use my phone.
- I'll do it.
- Wait, I remembered
how to use it!
- I'm composing a text. I...
Oh, no.
-What?
- It's not that bad.
- Show me.
Oh, this was bad.
You've texted Mr. D
my dream boobs?!
- Why were they saved
to your cut and paste?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, okay. Okay.
Okay, here... here's
what we're gonna do.
Okay, we're gonna... we're gonna
go to Mr. D's house,
and... and we're gonna break in.
And we're gonna hack into
his phone and delete it.
- What are talking about?
It's a text, it's instantaneous.
He's seen it already.
- Oh, my God, he's writing back.
What do I do?
- Let's just wait patiently.
We'll see what he says.
Maybe he's driving.
Oh, my God. He's calling.
He's calling. What do I do?
- Pick it up.
- I can't pick it up.
I'll say something stupid!
I... I can't pick it up.
-Then put it down.
Look at the bright side...
We're doing what
normal high-school kids do,
we're sexting.
This is... This is so good.
- Normal high schoolers
don't sext their teachers.
And you're supposed to sext
with your own parts,
not other people's parts.
- Yeah, I don't want
to freak you out,
but we did have a case like this
come up in mock trial.
- And?
- Well, because you're underage,
this text is considered
child pornography.
-Child pornography?
They're not even my boobs.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
I'm... I'm a sex offender.
I'm... I'm gonna have
to go door to door
informing all of my neighbors.
- We can fix this. We just...
We have to get rid
of your phone.
And then we can plead the Fifth.
We'll say someone stole it,
they sent the boobs,
we don't know
whose boobs those are.
Those boobs could be anybody's.
- They literally
could be anybody's.
Can I at least back it up first?
-Aim for the pavement.
Are you hungry?
- We're under the influence
of a controlled substance.
Don't you think we should stay
in a controlled environment?
-A few blocks is fine.
I still don't think that
I'm feeling anything.
- Do you see that?
- What?
- Don't those clouds
look like boobs?
- No. Ooh, let's play a game!
If you could choose
one species of tree
to best define yourself,
what would you choose?
Jeremy would definitely
be a poplar tree.
-Hey, girl. I got your text.
And now I'm in heaven.
And I'm always
gonna love you, Sam.
You're more than just a girl.
You're a fellow scientist.
-Ooh, look at that cute dog.
Wasn't that credit card
only supposed to be used
for emergencies?
- This was an emergency.
Zelda needed a home.
- Sam?
- Yeah.
-I think I'm high now.
This is so unexpected.
- You realize none
of what you just ate
is dairy-free, right?
That's, like, all dairy.
-Oh, hi.
- We were just...
- We were just closing up.
- Oh. Can I just please get
a pint of cookie-dough ice cream
really quick?
I'm pregnant.
-Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yes. Okay.
I just have to disinfect
the scooper.
-Just dairy procedure.
- What do we do?
I can't have a dog in here.
It's a health-code violation.
- Relax. We'll just
give her a pint.
-She'll know I'm high.
- How?
- By the way I scoop.
I'm scooping all funny.
I mean, what if she writes
a bad Yelp review?
I can't afford any bad press.
- I'll distract her
while you scoop.
- What about our eyes?
Our eyes are all red.
-Nice shades.
You know what's weird?
This is a geriatric pregnancy.
'Cause I'm 35.
Geriatric.
That sounds, like, so old.
I mean, I still feel very young.
People card me all the time.
So, yeah. Okay, thanks.
Okay.
- Woof!
- Oh!
- Woof, woof, woof, woof! Woof!
- Okay.
- We have to go to this party.
- What?! It's on
the other side of town.
- We could Uber.
- I'm politically opposed.
-I gave you a 20.
You know, actually,
I'm driving across town.
I could take you guys.
- Oh, no, we're good.
- Sure, we'll take a ride!
-What about Zelda?
- Oh, she's got food,
she's got water. She's fine.
We'll get her afterwards.
I call shotgun!
-I do not feel good about this.
- So, are you guys
in high school?
- We graduate on Monday.
- We're co-valedictorians.
- Wow! I got VIPs in my car.
Cool.
- 9-4. Bringing in one warrant
on a license,
1-Mary-William-Sam 3-2-0-M-A.
-This is an interesting car.
- We were in that car for,
like, a good 15 minutes
before we figured it out.
A pregnant cop.
I mean, what are the odds?
-And now I just sit in an office
and scroll through Instagram
and social media
and try to find pictures
of people doing drugs.
- My heart is
beating out of my chest.
Everyone can hear my heart.
- I have no heartbeat.
- Oh, you stupid heart!
Shut up! Shut up!
- ...doing cocaine off the back
of a turtle shell.
Isn't that insane?
-I don't have a heart.
I'm also not breathing.
Wrong wrist. Fuck!
-Shut up, shut up, shut up.
-I'm dead. When did I get dead?
-...smoking weed.
They definitely act
a certain way.
-Sam, can you hear me?
- I can hear you?
- Holy shit!
- I once got a Slurpee
in the face.
-This is good. Thank you!
-Oh, really? Okay.
My name's Patty, by the way.
Okay.
-Uh, yeah, I miss you, too, Mom.
Yeah, no, the house feels
really empty with you here.
-Do you think Jeremy's here?
-I don't know.
Alex R., Alex M.,
what that fuck's up, dudes?
You guys want to play
some fucking beer pong?
Fuck no. - Loser.
Hey. Pong, bro?
Hey, you want to play?
Team Money, yeah?
Fuck.
Oh, shit.
This party's fuckin' lit!
We even got the nerd herd
up in this bitch, dude!
- This is the opposite
of a controlled environment.
High-school parties suck.
There aren't even any magicians.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, hey!
Hi.
Um...
Do you guys need to go?
Or should I just flush?
- No, we're good.
- Oh.
Oof.
Do my eyebrows look
like caterpillars?
-No. They look like eyebrows.
- I've never seen
you guys before.
Are you
foreign exchange students?
Are you Russian?
You look Russian.
You especially look Russian.
- Is that a good thing?
- No.
I'm gonna call you Tatiana,
and you... Olga.
- I did discover later that I do
have some Russian ancestry,
so... her observation was not
completely without merit.
-So, the EDM kids are in there.
That's where you'll find Molly!
- Who's Molly?
- Molly from Astronomy?
- I'm building houses
for Habitat for Humanity.
You can't...
- I love your earrings!
- Oh, my God! Thank you!
I made them myself.
- They're feathers.
- Oh, a pigeon gave them to me.
-Pigeons like her.
- Hey, nerds!
- What the hell?
- You want to come play with us?
Come play us, bro.
- No, thanks.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna play you.
-Oh, fuck yeah, dude! Chicks.
- No.
- S'up?!
-Have a good night.
- Let's go. Under one condition.
After we beat you guys,
you leave us alone.
- Fuckin' tight.
Uh, you in, bro?
- Sssh, I ain't afraid
of no ghosts.
-Hell yeah.
Bitch's ball.
- Oh.
- Yo!
- Oh!
- You need to work
on your aim, dude.
That was fuckin' terrible
as fuck.
- Money.
- Yeah, dude.
Let me show you how it's done.
Here we go.
- Ohhh!
- Ohhh!
- Time to drink!
- Drink up, dude.
Oh, yeah.
-Time-out.
- No, there aren't any fuckin'
time-outs in beer pong.
- Danielle?
I do not feel comfortable
mixing two different
controlled substances.
-We can't forfeit.
- Why?
It's a stupid drinking game.
-No, this game is a metaphor
for the entire
high-school experience
that we've been missing out on.
-Okay.
This is a simple game
of distraction and aerodynamics.
So, if you can
sufficiently distract them,
I think I can address
our lack of accuracy.
- I was hoping
you would say that.
- Hey. Um, I really want
to help you guys,
but I'm fucking wasted.
-How much did you drink?
- I got a vodka tampon
up my butt.
-That can't be good.
-What the fuck are they doing?
-95 and a quarter.
- Hey, hello.
Are we gonna play or what?
-Hi!
-We're ready.
I used the Kutta-Joukowski
Theorem of Aerodynamics
to create a formula,
and Danielle's passion
for Shakespeare's sonnets
finally paid off.
Now.
- Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely
and more temperate.
-What is she doing?
- Sometime too hot the eye
of heaven shines.
- Forget this bitch, dude.
Fuckin' sink it, bro.
- But long as men can breathe
and eyes can see,
so long lives this,
and this gives life to thee.
- Oh, my God! It was
a fuckin' easy shot, dawg.
-It's our ball.
- Sometime this Goddamn
century, homey!
Dude, come on!
-Yes, bitch.
-No, I don't want anymore.
- Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!
- Last one.
- Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
- No! What?! Are you serious!
What the hell, bro?
Morgan, get off!
Quit! Get off of me!
- You are so amazing!
My best friend.
- Hi.
- Can you teach me
how to shoot like that? - Yeah!
-Sonnet Number 18, right?
- It's my favorite of
Shakespeare's sonnets.
- Mine, too.
- Are you serious, bro?!
-Wow. It's really loud in here.
You want to go someplace
where we can talk?
-Yeah.
- You play a lot
of beer pong, then?
- No, I literally... I have
never heard of beer pong...
Until tonight.
- That was awesome.
- Yeah!
-This is...
this is really spacious.
It's pretty sick, right?
-Yeah. Yeah.
I...
I-I love what you did
with the exterior.
-Oh, yeah. I mean...
...it's... it's all
a part of my brand.
You know, it's like...
I don't want there
to be any separation
between me and my work.
I want to drive my art.
I want to live my art.
-Wow.
- You know, I just finished
a new piece.
I was, uh... I was actually
gonna debut it tonight,
but I got cold feet.
Would you like to see it?
-I'd be honored.
-Are you working tonight?
- Oh, this is not just
for fashion.
I am on the clock.
Teachers keep calling,
by the way.
It's so weird. - Really?
- Yeah, delivering to teachers
is fucking amazing.
You literally
learn shit about them
you didn't even need to know.
Like, every time
I see Ms. Murphy,
she's always with
a different dude.
I just want to be like,
"What's up, Ms. Murphy?
Like, art thou a ho?"
Yeah.
So, what about Mr. D?
- Mr. D is definitely
not a ho, sadly.
But he's pretty cool.
It's weird, though.
I was at his house tonight, and
there was all these cops there.
- Really?
- Yeah, it was so strange.
They kept, like, asking me
hella questions and shit.
But more importantly,
kudos to your dad
for fucking up
that unicorn bitch.
-What?
Oh, you didn't hear?
Yo, someone, like,
broke into your shop.
I don't know if it was
the unicorn dude,
but your dad definitely
thinks it is.
All the freezers were open,
the ice cream all melted.
He kept talking
about some dog, too.
Hey. I'm so sorry.
Hi. Hi, have you seen Danielle?
Have you... have you... have you
seen Danielle Compton?
Hi. Have you seen my friend?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, have you seen
Danielle Compton?
-I call it..."Unsolicited."
- It's, uh...
It's a lot of penises.
-They're all mine.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Jeremy was just
showing me his penises.
- Hi. Okay, we need to go.
All right, it's an emergency.
Get out of the car.
- What? Why?
- My dad,
the police... every... Zelda.
Like, everything's kind of
blowing up right now.
- What are you talking about?
- It's the Bieber.
It's... It's really
fucking me up.
- Sam, can we talk
about this later?
I'm a little bit busy right now.
- D, I really need
your help right now,
because I'm feeling
really fucked up.
So if you could just please...
-Okay. Do you have Bieber?
- Yeah.
- Hand it over.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go over there,
and you're gonna do
some jumping jacks.
You'll feel better in no time.
I'll come find you later.
All right? - What are you doing?
- No more Bieber for you.
- No! No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no! - Relax!
-Do not close the window.
It wasn't just that
she rolled up the window.
Oh, no, this...
this was far greater than that.
Okay, this... this is about
the universal law
of cause and effect.
She was the one who wanted
to smoke the Bieber.
-Should we smoke it?
- She was the one who wanted to
leave a controlled environment.
-Are you hungry?
- She was one who wanted
to go to the party.
-We have to go to this party.
- If I had never smoked
the Bieber...
...I wouldn't have gone
to the party.
And if I didn't go to the party,
I would not have done
what I did next.
Please keep in mind that I was
extremely high for most of it.
What are you guys building?
- We're trying to break the
record for world's tallest bong.
It's tall enough,
but it keeps falling over.
-I think I can help you.
- I've always liked you,
Danielle.
You have such an unironic
way of being.
It's really refreshing.
-Okay.
- I've been wanting to do
something for a while now.
-Yes.
The ice cream.
-Okay, so, remember when I said
that Danielle was
lactose intolerant?
This means that she doesn't
have the lactase enzymes
which are needed
to digest lactose.
Ice cream has a lot of lactose.
Without the lactase enzymes,
that lactose is turned
into CO2, H2, and CH4
in Danielle's body.
That was
the scientific explanation
for what happened
to Danielle next.
-Sorry, but I can't help
but bring everything back
to science.
Future chem major.
-What was that?
- Hey, does your car
have Bluetooth?
Do... Do you want
to hear some music?
-Oh, yeah.
- Everybody get this?
This is amazing.
-Ladies and gentlemen...
it is my great honor and
privilege to present to you...
the Leaning Bong of Woodbright!
-The fuck's going on out here?
Oh, my God.
-A fucking mega-bong? Geez.
I'm heading out on a run.
- What opera is this?
- "La Boheme."
- I love Bizet.
Did Bizet write this?
Bizet wrote "Carmen."
Puccini wrote this.
Oh, fuck no! Please not now.
I really love this part.
It's beautiful.
-I'm too high to come down.
- This is legendary.
This is historic.
- And the seats... they go all
the way back flat, like a bed.
-Really?
- You just have to pull
that lever on the side.
-Oh. Which one?
-Sam? Sam?
Hey, Sam? Sam?
Hey, are you okay?
- Mr. D.
What are you doing here?
- Well, I was trying
to call your phone,
but you weren't picking up.
I thought you might be here.
- I'm really sorry
about that text.
The whole thing
was just a big accident.
-Yeah. That was not cool.
But I wanted to let you know
I deleted it,
so we can just pretend
it didn't happen.
-Oh, thank God.
Mr. D, I gotta
tell you something.
I love you.
Like, I am...
I'm crazy in love with you.
- I know.
- You do?
- I see the way that
you look at me in class.
-I am so embarrassed.
- Don't be. It's... It's fine.
And to be honest, I'm flattered.
- Really?
- Sam, you're beautiful
and you're brilliant.
And, I mean,
if I wasn't your teacher,
I... would be totally into you.
- You would?
- Yeah.
-In fact...
now that you're not
my student anymore...
I can do this.
- That was a fuck-ton
of weed, dude.
- Okay, Danielle,
whatever you do, don't fart.
-I have a condom.
I'm putting the condom on.
Condom is on.
- It's happening.
It's really happening.
Just, whatever you do,
don't fart.
-Are you ready?
-Yes.
Don't fart, don't fart!
-Don't cum, don't cum.
- Don't fart.
- Don't cum.
- Don't fart!
- Don't cum!
- Don't fart, don't fart.
- Don't cum, don't cum.
Oh!
Um...
That was, uh...
That was really weird.
Yeah, maybe, um...
maybe we should just pretend
like this didn't happen.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna go.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- You've reached
Sam's voicemail...
-Okay, whose house is this?
Hello?! Who lives here?
Okay, do I sound like a fucking
"Peanuts" teacher to you?
Whose house is this?
Can you hear me?
-It's mine.
- Okay, I need you to
show me where this is.
- Oh, come on.
You're not actually a cop.
-I'm a cop. I have a badge.
- Oh, my God! Are you a stripper?
That would be so awesome!
- I don't think you want
to see me strip.
- Actually, you're right.
- Yeah, okay.
-Oh. Oh, you're...
oh, you're... you're act...
you're actually a cop.
- Yes, I'm actually a cop.
- Oh, okay.
The bong's out back.
-Got it. Okay.
- Guys, there's a cop here.
There's a cop!
-Cops! Go, go, go.
Hey, Tatiana, we gotta go.
-Mr. D?
- No. There's... There's a cop
here. We gotta go now.
- What about my baby? I...
- No, leave it, come on!
We gotta go.
-Hey.
You're my friend
from the ice cream shop.
Okay. Why don't you put
that illegal thing down.
And that way, I don't have
to arrest you, okay?
We can both just walk away.
Does that sound good?
Shit! Ow!
Do not make me chase you!
I'm pregnant!
- This is gonna be in the
Guinness Book of World Records!
You're fast.
-Oh, no.
- Where's your math now?
- Idiot.
Oh, dude.
-Hey! Damn!
Hey, you do the crime,
you do the crime.
- Do the crime. Fuck yeah, bro.
Why?
- Reported stolen vehicle...
Yellow Hummer
with the word "Capitalism"
spray-painted
on the passenger side.
- Why would anyone
steal that car?
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
- What is wrong
with this person?
Pull over.
-Sam?
Why are you wearing a helmet?
-Morgan?
- Guys, hey!
-What are you doing here?
- They don't
tell you this online,
but the vodka tampon has, like,
a real suppository effect.
So this guy caught me
shitting on his front lawn.
I was like, "What do
you think fertilizer is?"
Anyway, now I'm here.
- Can I have a word
with you guys for a sec?
Not you.
You know, I was expecting
to have a quiet night
in the office.
I was gonna do some light DMing,
maybe watch "Game of Thrones,"
have a little ice cream.
I wasn't planning to run
around town fully pregnant
trying to arrest
the co-valedictorians.
Can you just tell me
what happened,
and start from
the beginning, please?
-My experience in mock trial
has taught me not to talk
to a police officer
until first engaging
with an attorney.
- Okay, your friend sucks.
- She's not my friend anymore.
-Being pregnant is really crazy.
'Cause everything I see here
makes me think
of what's going on in here.
If you guys are
the best-case scenario,
then we're really all screwed.
I need more pickles.
I'm so depressed.
- I don't know why
I always listen to you.
-Because I'm smarter.
- You are not smarter than me,
Danielle.
-If I'm not smarter than you,
then how come I'm the one
that got into Harvard?
-I got into Harvard.
-What?
- I got in, but I didn't
want to tell you
because you got wait-listed,
and I didn't want
you to feel bad.
- Well, if you got into Harvard,
then why are you going to state?
- Do you even know
how much Harvard costs?
-No.
- Right.
Of course you don't.
You don't even need
to think about that.
Your moms have probably
been putting money
into a college fund
since you were 10.
- Actually, they started
before I was conceived.
- Well, not everyone is
as lucky as you, Danielle.
Everything is just
so fucking easy for you.
-Are you kidding me?
Do you know what kind
of pressure I'm under?
My parents have invested
everything that they have
into me.
- Danielle,
your parents are here.
- Danielle was charged
with motor vehicle theft,
and I was charged
with possession
of a controlled substance
and resisting arrest.
Both charges meant that
we wouldn't get to graduate.
My dad took another hour
and 10 minutes to get there.
But I now know that
he smokes pot, so...
- Ugh. Oh. I am pickled out.
-Yeah, you just ate seven.
- It wasn't seven.
- I counted.
-Okay, that's gross.
You know, you're obviously
a good kid.
What... What happened tonight?
- Danielle and I got called
"good girls" in the yearbook.
-Oh.
- I think we just
sort of freaked out.
- You know what I got called
in my high-school yearbook?
Most Muppet-like.
I mean, do I look
like a Muppet to you?
Do I? - Definitely not.
-No, I still can't wear fleece.
It really fucked me up
for a long time.
And then I realized,
those yearbook people,
they were all the ones
who were too dumb
to write for the newspaper.
It shouldn't affect
your whole life, okay?
You're like a young, dumb me.
With worse hair.
- She... Do you understa...
She is under investigation.
- I know.
- That means no graduation.
That means no Harvard!
Do you... Well, how...
Where did we go wrong?
Where did we...
-It's gonna be okay, baby, okay?
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation, sweetheart.
-I gotta go lay down.
-Man. What a terrible day.
-I have to tell you something.
Dad, I was the one
who left the freezers open.
Danielle and I smoked your pot.
And we went to the shop,
and we made a big mess.
I also may have purchased
a small dog.
-I don't know what to say, Sam.
I'm... I'm
so disappointed in you.
-You're disappointed in me?
-Yeah.
-Dad, I do everything right.
I... I get straight A's,
I clean up after you, I work.
I got a scholarship to college,
but it's like
you don't even notice.
I-I mean, I feel like
I'm your employee.
- Okay, hold on.
Let's not go crazy here.
Of course I notice you.
- I've been trying to talk to you
about college options for weeks,
and you keep blowing me off.
- All right, well,
let's talk about it now.
-Well, it's too late now.
Why is it that
you only notice me
now that I did something wrong?
I mean, why didn't you notice me
when I was doing
everything right?
- Sam...
- I need to take a walk.
Hi.
-Your mom's pretty upset.
She just needs time
to process things.
You, um...
You feel like telling me what
happened a little bit, hmm?
Why did you steal
that boy's car?
Is it 'cause
it was a gas-guzzler?
-Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
- You can't tell anyone.
-No. Okay, I won't.
- Have you ever farted
during sex?
-You mean like a queef?
Oh. It's pretty common, honey.
You see, Danielle,
the... the vagina...
- ...the canal can get air
trapped in it,
and then... pbht.
You just... You can't...
It's... Oh.
Oh, honey. It's okay.
It's just air.
-Can I help you?
-Are you Mr. D's wife?
-Yeah.
- I am the girl
who sexted your husband.
I've always wondered about
what Mr. D would look like
in his pajamas.
But I... was hoping
that the circumstances
would be different.
I came to apologize
for sending you that text.
I can assure you
that it was an accident.
I realize that doesn't mitigate
the emotional turmoil
that this may have
caused you or your wife,
but I want you to know
that... that I am prepared
to suffer the consequences.
We can go back
to the police station,
and I can explain everything.
And I'll tell them
that it was all my fault
and that you had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
- Why would we go
to the police station?
- I thought you already
reported the incident.
-What?
- There were
police officers here.
Pizza Ken told me.
- Oh, Pizza Ken. Okay.
Um, I host
a monthly trivia night.
I have friends on the force,
and they came over.
Sam, I assume the text that
you sent was some kind of prank.
-I am so embarrassed.
I mean, I just had
the worst night of my life.
-You want to talk about it?
- Danielle and I
smoked some pot, and...
and things got out of hand,
and we both got arrested.
I won't get to graduate,
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna lose my scholarship.
And everything I've been working
so hard for, it's just gone.
-That's not so bad.
-How?
- Well, I mean,
you're still alive.
You're the best student
I've ever had, Sam.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You're gonna go on to do
amazing things with your life.
I mean, one bad night
isn't going to erase
all of your promise.
Life is cumulative.
- Thanks, Mr. D.
- There is one thing
you could do.
-Anything. Name it.
- Okay, please just hand in
those teacher evaluations.
- I will.
- Thank you.
- For the record,
those weren't even my boobs.
- You know, we don't have
to talk about that.
-Fuck.
I forgot thathappened.
Can we please talk?
Things with Jeremy got
really intense last night.
I think we kind of had sex.
I mean, we definitely did,
but it was weird,
and I could... I could
really use a friend right now.
- I really needed a friend
last night.
-Sam...
-All of the ice cream melted
'cause we left
the freezers open.
And now my dad's
shutting down the shop.
-What?!
No, you guys can't let
those unicorn fuckers win.
Your ice cream is way better.
- I don't ever want
to talk to you again.
-Sam!
-For the record,
I was really happy
with who we were before.
I shouldn't care so much about
what other people think.
- Congratulations!
-On what?
What's... going on?
-You got into Harvard.
-Dad, I know.
They E-mailed me
a couple months ago.
-Well, why didn't you tell me?
-I tried.
It's just too expensive.
I know we're struggling
right now.
And I don't want
to add to that...
- How do you know
we're struggling?
-I work at the shop.
And also we had mac-and-cheese
13 times last month.
- I thought you like
mac-and-cheese.
-I did.
-Okay, honey...
Listen, we're selling
the ice cream shop.
With that money,
we'll have more than enough
to send you to Harvard.
-Dad, I... I, um...
I declined admission.
-Sam, you've gotta call them
and tell them you made
a mistake, okay?
-It's... It's too late, Dad.
Look, sweetie,
when your mom died,
she made me promise one thing...
That I wouldn't mess you up.
Have I messed you up?
-I don't think so.
- It's not easy having a kid
that's smarter than you are.
I have to face
that humiliation every day.
But in exchange,
I get to tell people
that I have a smart kid...
Harvard smart.
My parents, they gave me
an ice cream shop.
But you could do great things.
You could cure cancer.
You could make a-a-a pea protein
that finally tastes
as good as meat does.
Sam, I want you
to be your best self.
Now, have you talked
about this with Danielle?
-No. We're not friends anymore.
- What are you talking about?
What happened?
- She said that she was
smarter than me.
- Was she high
when she said that?
All right, I get that.
One time, I got so high,
I thought I knew
how to sail a boat.
I was stuck on the lake
for three days.
I had to drink my own urine.
-So, I... I guess I've learned
all sorts of things
this weekend.
I'm too high to come down!
-This bong is huge.
Like, this is some
world record shit right now.
Did you see that it got
a Wiki page?
- Oh, my God, I can't believe
she did that.
- Dude, me, neither.
It already has 500 hits.
Is that considered viral?
- I lost my best friend.
- You know that's not true.
- She says that she thinks
I care too much
about what people think,
and I'm worried
that she's right.
- Well, your answer's
right there... don't care.
You're dead-ass one of
the baddest bitches that I know.
Fuck good girls,
fuck what other people think.
Just be yourself.
- Thanks, Pizza Ken.
- You're welcome.
I'm full of wisdom...
and garlic knots that I stole.
Eat one.
- I don't like to make
qualitative judgments,
but this was the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.
I mean, if she wanted
to reference
our pizza-and-a-doc night...
- ...then she should have
brought me pizza.
Or a documentary.
I'm sorry I abandoned you
last night.
I don't care what anybody thinks
about me anymore.
I just want my best friend back.
And I'm prepared to dress
like this every single day
until you accept my undying
devotion to our friendship.
- You're seriously willing
to wear that shirt everyday?
-Yes.
-Even if it starts smelling?
-Yes.
- Underwear, too?
- Yes.
And I'm sorry that I said
that I was smarter than you.
I'm definitely not.
You're way smarter than me.
- No, I mean, you're
more right-brained,
and I'm more left-brained.
So, together, we just
make one giant brain.
- I love you, Sam.
- I love you, too.
-Oh!
- Also, I think I figured out
a way to save the shop.
But I'm gonna need your help.
- Hi, Mr. D.
- Hey, Sam.
- I just turned in
the teacher evaluations.
- Thank you.
- Um...
Since it's the end
of the year and all,
I was wondering if
I could have something.
Okay. On three.
One... two... three.
Needs a clever name.
-What about dragon balls?
Or smokey balls. Steamy balls.
- Let's just steer clear
of the word "balls."
-What about ghost candy?
-Ghost candy.
I like it.
No one's coming.
-They don't know what we have.
People need to see it.
I have an idea.
-What is that?
- Ghost candy.
They sell it in there.
-Cool. Let's go.
Hi. I'll have
whatever he's having.
-That will be $5, please.
- Hey, guys, I'm at
Jansen's Ice Cream Shop,
and I'm about to try ghost candy
for the first time.
- How'd you guys
come up with this?
-Hey.
-Hey.
What are you doing here?
- I just came here
to apologize...
for the way I acted
the other night.
I'm sorry that I was a jerk
and that I, um, bailed
right after we...
you know.
-I'm sorry I stole your car.
- Oh, yeah, about that... Um,
I spoke to the police today.
I told them I gave you my keys,
and they're dropping the case.
Really?
I'm gonna get to graduate?
Yeah.
- Artforummagazine saw my photo
of the crime scene on Instagram,
and they're going to publish it
in their next issue.
-Wow. That's amazing.
- It's actually
a really big break for me.
I should be thanking you
for stealing my car.
- You're welcome.
-Are we cool?
-Yeah, we're cool.
-All right.
Okay.
Um, hey...
Would you...
maybe want to go
on a date some time?
-Maybe we could just be friends.
-Oh, yeah, um...
No. That's cool.
- So, this meant that
Danielle was graduating
and I was still
a juvenile delinquent.
That was great for her.
-Where is she?
- Welcome, parents,
faculty, and graduates.
- I'm not going
if you can't graduate.
Is that your graduation robe?
-I made it a nest for Zelda.
I call it the nest
of broken dreams.
- I saw that ghost candy
on Instagram.
I have to make sure
it's not drugs.
- It's not.
It's liquid nitrogen.
It's food grade.
- It's totally edible.
- Okay, I'll take
your word for it.
Why aren't you at graduation?
- I think it will be
too painful to just watch.
- And I am not going
if Sam can't graduate.
- That's funny, 'cause I talked
to a guy named Mr. D
and the principal
of your school,
and they both seem to think
you're graduating today.
- What?
- The charges have been dropped.
All of the paperwork
was covered in pickle juice.
Yeah, hurry up.
You're gonna be late.
- This is the best day
of my life.
Is that sad?
- You know, my students, uh,
come up to me
all the time, and they ask me,
"How often will I really
need chemistry?"
And I tell them, "Periodically."
Ah, now please welcome
Woodbright High's
co-valedictorians...
Danielle Compton and Sam Jansen!
-Wait. We don't have a speech.
-We're gonna have to wing it.
-Oh, shit.
Those of you that know me
know that I love Shakespeare.
He once wrote,
"To thine own self be true."
Well, this weekend,
I forgot to take his advice.
I was convinced that
I had to be different.
High school has a funny way
of putting people into boxes...
This person's good at math,
that person is good at football.
That person really knows
how to put on eyeliner
while doing kundalini yoga.
But we're all
so much more than that.
High school isn't about
how other people see us.
It's about figuring out
who we are
and staying true to that.
And I learned that
not from Shakespeare...
but from my best friend, Sam.
It's all you.
-This past weekend,
Danielle and I got high
for the first time in our lives.
A lot of really messed up things
happened after that.
Danielle lost her virginity
inside of a Hummer.
It's true. I did that.
- And I helped build
the world's tallest bong,
which unfortunately was damaged
before being documented
by the Guinness Book
of World Records.
Then we got arrested, and our
lives were pretty much ruined.
But... I think I learned more
this weekend
than I did in all four years
of high school.
The most important thing
I learned
is that life is cumulative.
Each day provides a chance
for us to be our best selves.
So... let's strive to be
our best selves
as we head into the future.
Congratulations, Class of 2018.
-Those are my girls!
- Super boring.
- That was fuckin' lame.
-Whoo!
-So, that's my story.
As you can see, I've really
grown a lot this past weekend.
And if life truly is cumulative,
I hope you'll reconsider
my admission for next year.
The ghost candy
is selling like crazy,
and I can totally
afford to come now.
Also, I have my room
assignment all figured out.
-Hi. Are you done?
-Yeah, I think so.
- I forgot. I got you something.
-What?
This is even newer
than the one I had.
Where did you get this?
-From a patron of the arts.
- I'm surprised no
one's stolen that iPhone yet.
Oh. Whoops.
- Okay, we have
decorative options.
Which do you prefer...
Solar system... or artful map?
-What do you think, Zelda?
Artful map.
- I was hoping
you would say that.
-What's up, puppers?
Oh, my God! Patty had her baby.
She's so cute.
- Aww!
- Aww!
- Hey, guys.
There's a huge
beginning-of-the-year party
happening tonight.
Everybody's going.
Do you want to pop in?
-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.
Just kidding.
I'm Danny. I'm an actor.
-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.
Just kidding.
I'm Danny. I'm an actor.
Harvard Admissions people.
This is Sam Jansen.
Um, I've called a few times
and I sent some E-mails,
but I haven't heard back,
so I decided to create
this video for you guys.
Um, I'd like to think
that I haven't
made a lot of mistakes
in my life.
But this would be a big one.
I mean, who turns down Harvard
and then...
comes back a few days later?
But I'm asking you guys
to let me back in.
A lot has happened
this last weekend.
So, let me start
from the beginning.
-This is me.
And this is my best friend...
Danielle.
And that guy twerking on the
mantel, that's the pizza guy.
This is what Danielle and I
have done every Friday night
since we were 12.
We call it
pizza-and-a-doc night.
Our favorite documentary
is about sea mammals.
Our pizza of choice is known
as the Samielle Special.
It's a veggie pie,
half no cheese
because Danielle
is lactose intolerant,
half extra-cheese
because I think that cheese
is the greatest thing
ever invented.
I would say it's better than
sex, but in my case,
that would be
an untested hypothesis.
Senior year was almost over,
and while everyone else was
going to prom and being crazy,
Danielle and I were just
doing our own thing.
My family owns
an ice cream shop.
I know what you're thinking.
But, honestly,
it's not that great.
I've been working here
since I was a kid,
and after a while,
even ice cream can get boring.
Our business has been
really struggling
since some trend-savvy
competitors arrived.
A grown man in a unicorn
costume serving ice cream.
Wha... How are we supposed
to compete with that?
Anyway, the stress was
really getting to my dad.
- Found these sunglasses
in the Dumpster.
We can do a giveaway...
If you buy a pint of ice cream,
you get a pair of sunglasses
free!
Cool, huh?
-I don't know.
The color is kind of intense.
-Intense is bad?
Okay, how about this?
For $1.00, you can put
as much ice cream
as you can stuff
into your mouth.
That's gonna work.
-I don't know, Dad.
-Anda pair of sunglasses.
- Hey, Dad, I was wondering
if we could talk
about my college options?
- Yeah, but we need
to do it later,
'cause I need to get over
to the bank.
They're about to close.
- Every time
I brought up college,
there was a banking emergency.
So I finally took the hint.
We can't afford it.
I mean, it's like...
it's like 80,000 cones
a semester.
You will go to state
with Danielle.
Okay. Here it goes.
I never told anyone
I got into Harvard.
I mean, why rub it in?
- So, I was watching
some great speeches
in our nation's history,
like Martin Luther King's
"I Have a Dream" speech
and FDR's "A Date Which
Will Live in Infamy,"
and Oprah's
Golden Globes speech.
And I was thinking that
open-air co-valedictorian speech
with some spoken-word poetry
might be the answer.
What's wrong?
Would you like to start
with a scientific fact?
-No. I'm fine.
-Ready?
-Yeah.
- Ricotta. Mozzarella sticks.
Mac-and-cheese balls.
- Damn, that's a lot of stuff
you can't eat.
- Listen, I love dairy,
it just doesn't love me back.
We're like Zelda
and F. Scott Fitzgerald.
- I love the name Zelda.
- Me, too.
Moms? What's going on?
- Have you checked your E-mail?
- Not in the last 15 minutes.
- Okay, we did something parents
are never supposed to do.
-And we normally never would.
- But we heard a pinging sound,
and the browser was open.
-Did you check my E-mail?
-Not proud of it, but...
-You heard from Harvard.
-What?!
"After careful consideration
of your supplemental materials,
the Admissions Committee
has decided
to take you off the wait list
and offer you a place
in Harvard's class of 2022!"
- They must have really loved
your poem on Standing Rock.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- It's happening!
- It's happening. It's hap...
- I'm not gonna lie, I thought
about hacking into your website
and crashing
the Admissions page.
But I still didn't tell
Danielle I'd gotten in.
I mean, it's not like
I could suddenly afford it
now that Danielle was going.
-Hey, we're heading out, okay?
You guys have
everything you need?
-Yeah, we're all set.
-We're so proud of you.
- So proud!
- So proud of you!
-Oh, my God!
- Mwah!
Rashida Jones went there.
- Barack Obama went there.
- Yeah, okay, okay, thank you.
Good night!
- Good night, good night.
Good night, female leaders
of tomorrow.
Jeremy is so beautiful.
Even his Instagram
is perfectly curated.
- I can't believe
he's with Ashanti.
- Yeah, well, she's an
influencer, he's an artist.
They're a power couple.
- Oh, she just posted a video.
- You want to go
from lash to tip
while chanting
the mantra "satnam."
I'm using MAC's Extended Play
Gigablack Lash Mascara.
Satnam.
Satnam. Satnam.
- The yoga makeup-advertisement
tutorials
are just a platform
for my social-justice activism.
We have to find new ways
to highlight
the importance
of intersectionality.
-I'll never be that cool.
- I heard she raised 10K
for Puerto Rico
with a single tweet.
-How does she do it?
She's pretty,
she's nice to everyone,
she gets good grades,
she's flexible.
-She's really bad at softball.
- All right, you guys.
Last day of school.
All right, iPhones away!
Come on.
Let's pull out
our periodic tables,
get your beakers fired up.
Today we're gonna be talking
about liquid nitrogen.
First discovered
by a Scottish physician
named Daniel Rutherford in 1772,
liquid nitrogen is
a love potion.
That's right, girl.
Sam?
Sam?
Sam!
- Yeah?
- Hey.
Uh, will you bring these teacher
evaluations to the office?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Hey, I think the yearbooks
came out today.
- Hey, Danielle.
- I'm good.
Shit.
Oh, look.
It's Jeremy's thesis project.
He's a genius.
- I'm surprised no one's
stolen that iPhone yet.
-Yo. Fuckin' watch it, backpack.
-Ooh, vaga-dictorians.
That's fuckin' funny.
-Ugh. I hate those guys!
-Let's go get our yearbooks.
-Okay.
Okay, go to page 65 first.
-Okay.
You got us
a dedication page.
Aww, "Samielle." I love it.
Ooh, the awards section.
Jeremy got
Biggest Art Star.
What the?
"Biggest Good Girls"?!
What kind of bullshit category
is that?
- "Sam Jansen
and Danielle Compton
are undoubtedly
Woodbright High's
most accomplished
co-valedictorians.
Sam won state science fair
four years in a row,
and Danielle had
her first volume of poetry
published at age 14.
These two are good girls
to watch out for."
- Good girls. It's condescending.
- It's just a moniker.
Would you prefer
"affable young women"?
-It's so neutered.
Is that really
what people think about us?
- No, it's a stupid
yearbook award.
I think you're overreacting.
- Am I?
Let's take a brief inventory
of our lives.
- Okay.
- We don't have cars.
- We're environmentalists.
- We've never been to a party.
- What about that time we went
to your moms' ACLU benefit?
- Sam, we've literally
never done anything bad.
- Do you remember
when we skipped school
to go see Al Gore's lecture
on climate change?
That was bad.
Okay, I had a test that day.
Just to reassure you,
I took that test the next day,
and I aced it.
Anyway, this... this
whole yearbook thing
really sent Danielle
over the edge.
- I want to take a gap year.
- What about Harvard?
- I want to go to Europe,
where art was born.
- Actually, I think
art was born in India.
-But I'm not a good girl!
- Period.
- Duh.
- But the manatee
has become endangered
due to two major threats...
Loss of habitat and collisions
with boats and ships.
- Hey, Sam.
- Hey, Mr. D.
-How's it going?
- It's going good. Um, yeah.
How are you? - Doing great.
Just getting ready
for a crazy night,
so I will take a scoop
of mint-chocolate-chip
ice cream, please.
- Okay, I will get that.
I will get that for you.
I really love mint chip, too.
It's very minty. - Mm.
- And really...
Really fresh breath
in my mouth.
You must try... your mouth.
And there you go.
- Great. All right.
And how much do I owe ya?
- Uh, consider it an
end-of-the-semester gift.
-Ah, well, thank you.
Hey, what, uh, school
did you decide on?
-I'm going to state.
Uh, private schools
are crazy expensive,
and state gave me
a scholarship, so...
- Well, state is
an awesome choice.
I'm gonna miss you, Sam.
- Thank you.
I love him.
-What's up?
- Hey, do you want
to go get piercings?
-Uh, no can do.
I'm going to the big
end-of-the-year party later.
Shit's gonna be fucking lit.
I heard at the same party last
year, someone fucked a dog.
- What? How'd they get it
to stay still?
-I don't know all the details.
- Uh, where's the party?
- At Dave Silverstein's house.
- Is he related
to Shel Silverstein?
-Who?
- You know,
"Where the Sidewalk Ends."
-The sidewalk ends somewhere?
- Just forget it.
Who's gonna be there?
-Everyone's going.
Jeremy's gonna be debuting
a new art project.
At least, he's supposed to.
I'm not sure how he's doing
after the break-up and shit.
-Break-up?
- Yes, bitch,
what have you not heard?
Ashanti broke up with him.
I'm taking your silence
as excited.
I know, it's fucking amazing!
-Ugh, unicorns.
-Hey, Dad, check it out!
I got a perfect score
on my A.P. comp final.
-Good job, honey.
-Okay.
I'm just gonna do some laundry.
Dad?
-What do you think?
- It's not my favorite look
of yours.
Is that
your stage manager shirt?
If one of those safety pins
decided to open,
she could have been poked...
Badly.
Can I show you something?
-Yeah.
- These are the boobs
that I want.
-I don't get it.
Our entire culture is based
on people's obsession
with big boobs.
- I'd rather be able
to jog comfortably.
Okay, we should work on
our co-valedictorian speech.
Do you want to
start with a quote?
- No, no, everybody starts
with quotes.
Actually, I heard about
this party tonight.
Maybe we could pop in.
- We never pop in.
- Yeah, but it's what
normal high-school kids do.
-I need to show you something.
-Is that what I think it is?
-I think so.
- This is illegal.
- In most states, yes.
- Where? How?
- I have my ways.
-Should we smoke it?
-What if it's not even pot?
It smells like pot.
- How do you know
what pot smells like?
- From that time my moms
took me to the Lilith Fair.
-You have to bear in mind
that Danielle
is extremely persuasive.
She's the captain
of the debate team.
The captain!
- Come on, Sam,
I haven't even lit it yet.
-Frankincense is very strong.
Okay. Um, this article says
there are over 700 strains
of the marijuana plant.
They're broken up into
three distinct groups,
indica, sativa, and hybrid.
Each has a different effect.
How will we know
which kind we have?
- There's only one way
to find out.
Let's give our joint a name.
-Let's call it Justin Bieber.
-Why?
-I don't know.
- I don't think
I'm feeling anything.
Are you experiencing
heavy eyelids,
an increased appetite,
or hyper-awareness
to sensory experiences?
-I feel like we're in 3-D.
-Aren't we always in 3-D?
-Yeah, but... more.
-There are also a lot
of super-negative
side effects listed.
- Like what?
- Coughing, asthma.
Oh, my God.
I for... I forgot
to bring my inhaler.
-Sam, we're in yourroom.
- Oh. Oh, yeah.
Close call.
Oh, my God.
I just got a text from Mr. D.
Damn it. I forgot to turn in
the teacher evaluations.
I got so sidetracked by
the whole yearbook thing.
- You should text him back.
- Okay.
I forgot how to use my phone.
- I'll do it.
- Wait, I remembered
how to use it!
- I'm composing a text. I...
Oh, no.
-What?
- It's not that bad.
- Show me.
Oh, this was bad.
You've texted Mr. D
my dream boobs?!
- Why were they saved
to your cut and paste?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, okay. Okay.
Okay, here... here's
what we're gonna do.
Okay, we're gonna... we're gonna
go to Mr. D's house,
and... and we're gonna break in.
And we're gonna hack into
his phone and delete it.
- What are talking about?
It's a text, it's instantaneous.
He's seen it already.
- Oh, my God, he's writing back.
What do I do?
- Let's just wait patiently.
We'll see what he says.
Maybe he's driving.
Oh, my God. He's calling.
He's calling. What do I do?
- Pick it up.
- I can't pick it up.
I'll say something stupid!
I... I can't pick it up.
-Then put it down.
Look at the bright side...
We're doing what
normal high-school kids do,
we're sexting.
This is... This is so good.
- Normal high schoolers
don't sext their teachers.
And you're supposed to sext
with your own parts,
not other people's parts.
- Yeah, I don't want
to freak you out,
but we did have a case like this
come up in mock trial.
- And?
- Well, because you're underage,
this text is considered
child pornography.
-Child pornography?
They're not even my boobs.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
I'm... I'm a sex offender.
I'm... I'm gonna have
to go door to door
informing all of my neighbors.
- We can fix this. We just...
We have to get rid
of your phone.
And then we can plead the Fifth.
We'll say someone stole it,
they sent the boobs,
we don't know
whose boobs those are.
Those boobs could be anybody's.
- They literally
could be anybody's.
Can I at least back it up first?
-Aim for the pavement.
Are you hungry?
- We're under the influence
of a controlled substance.
Don't you think we should stay
in a controlled environment?
-A few blocks is fine.
I still don't think that
I'm feeling anything.
- Do you see that?
- What?
- Don't those clouds
look like boobs?
- No. Ooh, let's play a game!
If you could choose
one species of tree
to best define yourself,
what would you choose?
Jeremy would definitely
be a poplar tree.
-Hey, girl. I got your text.
And now I'm in heaven.
And I'm always
gonna love you, Sam.
You're more than just a girl.
You're a fellow scientist.
-Ooh, look at that cute dog.
Wasn't that credit card
only supposed to be used
for emergencies?
- This was an emergency.
Zelda needed a home.
- Sam?
- Yeah.
-I think I'm high now.
This is so unexpected.
- You realize none
of what you just ate
is dairy-free, right?
That's, like, all dairy.
-Oh, hi.
- We were just...
- We were just closing up.
- Oh. Can I just please get
a pint of cookie-dough ice cream
really quick?
I'm pregnant.
-Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yes. Okay.
I just have to disinfect
the scooper.
-Just dairy procedure.
- What do we do?
I can't have a dog in here.
It's a health-code violation.
- Relax. We'll just
give her a pint.
-She'll know I'm high.
- How?
- By the way I scoop.
I'm scooping all funny.
I mean, what if she writes
a bad Yelp review?
I can't afford any bad press.
- I'll distract her
while you scoop.
- What about our eyes?
Our eyes are all red.
-Nice shades.
You know what's weird?
This is a geriatric pregnancy.
'Cause I'm 35.
Geriatric.
That sounds, like, so old.
I mean, I still feel very young.
People card me all the time.
So, yeah. Okay, thanks.
Okay.
- Woof!
- Oh!
- Woof, woof, woof, woof! Woof!
- Okay.
- We have to go to this party.
- What?! It's on
the other side of town.
- We could Uber.
- I'm politically opposed.
-I gave you a 20.
You know, actually,
I'm driving across town.
I could take you guys.
- Oh, no, we're good.
- Sure, we'll take a ride!
-What about Zelda?
- Oh, she's got food,
she's got water. She's fine.
We'll get her afterwards.
I call shotgun!
-I do not feel good about this.
- So, are you guys
in high school?
- We graduate on Monday.
- We're co-valedictorians.
- Wow! I got VIPs in my car.
Cool.
- 9-4. Bringing in one warrant
on a license,
1-Mary-William-Sam 3-2-0-M-A.
-This is an interesting car.
- We were in that car for,
like, a good 15 minutes
before we figured it out.
A pregnant cop.
I mean, what are the odds?
-And now I just sit in an office
and scroll through Instagram
and social media
and try to find pictures
of people doing drugs.
- My heart is
beating out of my chest.
Everyone can hear my heart.
- I have no heartbeat.
- Oh, you stupid heart!
Shut up! Shut up!
- ...doing cocaine off the back
of a turtle shell.
Isn't that insane?
-I don't have a heart.
I'm also not breathing.
Wrong wrist. Fuck!
-Shut up, shut up, shut up.
-I'm dead. When did I get dead?
-...smoking weed.
They definitely act
a certain way.
-Sam, can you hear me?
- I can hear you?
- Holy shit!
- I once got a Slurpee
in the face.
-This is good. Thank you!
-Oh, really? Okay.
My name's Patty, by the way.
Okay.
-Uh, yeah, I miss you, too, Mom.
Yeah, no, the house feels
really empty with you here.
-Do you think Jeremy's here?
-I don't know.
Alex R., Alex M.,
what that fuck's up, dudes?
You guys want to play
some fucking beer pong?
Fuck no. - Loser.
Hey. Pong, bro?
Hey, you want to play?
Team Money, yeah?
Fuck.
Oh, shit.
This party's fuckin' lit!
We even got the nerd herd
up in this bitch, dude!
- This is the opposite
of a controlled environment.
High-school parties suck.
There aren't even any magicians.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, hey!
Hi.
Um...
Do you guys need to go?
Or should I just flush?
- No, we're good.
- Oh.
Oof.
Do my eyebrows look
like caterpillars?
-No. They look like eyebrows.
- I've never seen
you guys before.
Are you
foreign exchange students?
Are you Russian?
You look Russian.
You especially look Russian.
- Is that a good thing?
- No.
I'm gonna call you Tatiana,
and you... Olga.
- I did discover later that I do
have some Russian ancestry,
so... her observation was not
completely without merit.
-So, the EDM kids are in there.
That's where you'll find Molly!
- Who's Molly?
- Molly from Astronomy?
- I'm building houses
for Habitat for Humanity.
You can't...
- I love your earrings!
- Oh, my God! Thank you!
I made them myself.
- They're feathers.
- Oh, a pigeon gave them to me.
-Pigeons like her.
- Hey, nerds!
- What the hell?
- You want to come play with us?
Come play us, bro.
- No, thanks.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna play you.
-Oh, fuck yeah, dude! Chicks.
- No.
- S'up?!
-Have a good night.
- Let's go. Under one condition.
After we beat you guys,
you leave us alone.
- Fuckin' tight.
Uh, you in, bro?
- Sssh, I ain't afraid
of no ghosts.
-Hell yeah.
Bitch's ball.
- Oh.
- Yo!
- Oh!
- You need to work
on your aim, dude.
That was fuckin' terrible
as fuck.
- Money.
- Yeah, dude.
Let me show you how it's done.
Here we go.
- Ohhh!
- Ohhh!
- Time to drink!
- Drink up, dude.
Oh, yeah.
-Time-out.
- No, there aren't any fuckin'
time-outs in beer pong.
- Danielle?
I do not feel comfortable
mixing two different
controlled substances.
-We can't forfeit.
- Why?
It's a stupid drinking game.
-No, this game is a metaphor
for the entire
high-school experience
that we've been missing out on.
-Okay.
This is a simple game
of distraction and aerodynamics.
So, if you can
sufficiently distract them,
I think I can address
our lack of accuracy.
- I was hoping
you would say that.
- Hey. Um, I really want
to help you guys,
but I'm fucking wasted.
-How much did you drink?
- I got a vodka tampon
up my butt.
-That can't be good.
-What the fuck are they doing?
-95 and a quarter.
- Hey, hello.
Are we gonna play or what?
-Hi!
-We're ready.
I used the Kutta-Joukowski
Theorem of Aerodynamics
to create a formula,
and Danielle's passion
for Shakespeare's sonnets
finally paid off.
Now.
- Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely
and more temperate.
-What is she doing?
- Sometime too hot the eye
of heaven shines.
- Forget this bitch, dude.
Fuckin' sink it, bro.
- But long as men can breathe
and eyes can see,
so long lives this,
and this gives life to thee.
- Oh, my God! It was
a fuckin' easy shot, dawg.
-It's our ball.
- Sometime this Goddamn
century, homey!
Dude, come on!
-Yes, bitch.
-No, I don't want anymore.
- Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!
- Last one.
- Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
- No! What?! Are you serious!
What the hell, bro?
Morgan, get off!
Quit! Get off of me!
- You are so amazing!
My best friend.
- Hi.
- Can you teach me
how to shoot like that? - Yeah!
-Sonnet Number 18, right?
- It's my favorite of
Shakespeare's sonnets.
- Mine, too.
- Are you serious, bro?!
-Wow. It's really loud in here.
You want to go someplace
where we can talk?
-Yeah.
- You play a lot
of beer pong, then?
- No, I literally... I have
never heard of beer pong...
Until tonight.
- That was awesome.
- Yeah!
-This is...
this is really spacious.
It's pretty sick, right?
-Yeah. Yeah.
I...
I-I love what you did
with the exterior.
-Oh, yeah. I mean...
...it's... it's all
a part of my brand.
You know, it's like...
I don't want there
to be any separation
between me and my work.
I want to drive my art.
I want to live my art.
-Wow.
- You know, I just finished
a new piece.
I was, uh... I was actually
gonna debut it tonight,
but I got cold feet.
Would you like to see it?
-I'd be honored.
-Are you working tonight?
- Oh, this is not just
for fashion.
I am on the clock.
Teachers keep calling,
by the way.
It's so weird. - Really?
- Yeah, delivering to teachers
is fucking amazing.
You literally
learn shit about them
you didn't even need to know.
Like, every time
I see Ms. Murphy,
she's always with
a different dude.
I just want to be like,
"What's up, Ms. Murphy?
Like, art thou a ho?"
Yeah.
So, what about Mr. D?
- Mr. D is definitely
not a ho, sadly.
But he's pretty cool.
It's weird, though.
I was at his house tonight, and
there was all these cops there.
- Really?
- Yeah, it was so strange.
They kept, like, asking me
hella questions and shit.
But more importantly,
kudos to your dad
for fucking up
that unicorn bitch.
-What?
Oh, you didn't hear?
Yo, someone, like,
broke into your shop.
I don't know if it was
the unicorn dude,
but your dad definitely
thinks it is.
All the freezers were open,
the ice cream all melted.
He kept talking
about some dog, too.
Hey. I'm so sorry.
Hi. Hi, have you seen Danielle?
Have you... have you... have you
seen Danielle Compton?
Hi. Have you seen my friend?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, have you seen
Danielle Compton?
-I call it..."Unsolicited."
- It's, uh...
It's a lot of penises.
-They're all mine.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Jeremy was just
showing me his penises.
- Hi. Okay, we need to go.
All right, it's an emergency.
Get out of the car.
- What? Why?
- My dad,
the police... every... Zelda.
Like, everything's kind of
blowing up right now.
- What are you talking about?
- It's the Bieber.
It's... It's really
fucking me up.
- Sam, can we talk
about this later?
I'm a little bit busy right now.
- D, I really need
your help right now,
because I'm feeling
really fucked up.
So if you could just please...
-Okay. Do you have Bieber?
- Yeah.
- Hand it over.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go over there,
and you're gonna do
some jumping jacks.
You'll feel better in no time.
I'll come find you later.
All right? - What are you doing?
- No more Bieber for you.
- No! No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no! - Relax!
-Do not close the window.
It wasn't just that
she rolled up the window.
Oh, no, this...
this was far greater than that.
Okay, this... this is about
the universal law
of cause and effect.
She was the one who wanted
to smoke the Bieber.
-Should we smoke it?
- She was the one who wanted to
leave a controlled environment.
-Are you hungry?
- She was one who wanted
to go to the party.
-We have to go to this party.
- If I had never smoked
the Bieber...
...I wouldn't have gone
to the party.
And if I didn't go to the party,
I would not have done
what I did next.
Please keep in mind that I was
extremely high for most of it.
What are you guys building?
- We're trying to break the
record for world's tallest bong.
It's tall enough,
but it keeps falling over.
-I think I can help you.
- I've always liked you,
Danielle.
You have such an unironic
way of being.
It's really refreshing.
-Okay.
- I've been wanting to do
something for a while now.
-Yes.
The ice cream.
-Okay, so, remember when I said
that Danielle was
lactose intolerant?
This means that she doesn't
have the lactase enzymes
which are needed
to digest lactose.
Ice cream has a lot of lactose.
Without the lactase enzymes,
that lactose is turned
into CO2, H2, and CH4
in Danielle's body.
That was
the scientific explanation
for what happened
to Danielle next.
-Sorry, but I can't help
but bring everything back
to science.
Future chem major.
-What was that?
- Hey, does your car
have Bluetooth?
Do... Do you want
to hear some music?
-Oh, yeah.
- Everybody get this?
This is amazing.
-Ladies and gentlemen...
it is my great honor and
privilege to present to you...
the Leaning Bong of Woodbright!
-The fuck's going on out here?
Oh, my God.
-A fucking mega-bong? Geez.
I'm heading out on a run.
- What opera is this?
- "La Boheme."
- I love Bizet.
Did Bizet write this?
Bizet wrote "Carmen."
Puccini wrote this.
Oh, fuck no! Please not now.
I really love this part.
It's beautiful.
-I'm too high to come down.
- This is legendary.
This is historic.
- And the seats... they go all
the way back flat, like a bed.
-Really?
- You just have to pull
that lever on the side.
-Oh. Which one?
-Sam? Sam?
Hey, Sam? Sam?
Hey, are you okay?
- Mr. D.
What are you doing here?
- Well, I was trying
to call your phone,
but you weren't picking up.
I thought you might be here.
- I'm really sorry
about that text.
The whole thing
was just a big accident.
-Yeah. That was not cool.
But I wanted to let you know
I deleted it,
so we can just pretend
it didn't happen.
-Oh, thank God.
Mr. D, I gotta
tell you something.
I love you.
Like, I am...
I'm crazy in love with you.
- I know.
- You do?
- I see the way that
you look at me in class.
-I am so embarrassed.
- Don't be. It's... It's fine.
And to be honest, I'm flattered.
- Really?
- Sam, you're beautiful
and you're brilliant.
And, I mean,
if I wasn't your teacher,
I... would be totally into you.
- You would?
- Yeah.
-In fact...
now that you're not
my student anymore...
I can do this.
- That was a fuck-ton
of weed, dude.
- Okay, Danielle,
whatever you do, don't fart.
-I have a condom.
I'm putting the condom on.
Condom is on.
- It's happening.
It's really happening.
Just, whatever you do,
don't fart.
-Are you ready?
-Yes.
Don't fart, don't fart!
-Don't cum, don't cum.
- Don't fart.
- Don't cum.
- Don't fart!
- Don't cum!
- Don't fart, don't fart.
- Don't cum, don't cum.
Oh!
Um...
That was, uh...
That was really weird.
Yeah, maybe, um...
maybe we should just pretend
like this didn't happen.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna go.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- You've reached
Sam's voicemail...
-Okay, whose house is this?
Hello?! Who lives here?
Okay, do I sound like a fucking
"Peanuts" teacher to you?
Whose house is this?
Can you hear me?
-It's mine.
- Okay, I need you to
show me where this is.
- Oh, come on.
You're not actually a cop.
-I'm a cop. I have a badge.
- Oh, my God! Are you a stripper?
That would be so awesome!
- I don't think you want
to see me strip.
- Actually, you're right.
- Yeah, okay.
-Oh. Oh, you're...
oh, you're... you're act...
you're actually a cop.
- Yes, I'm actually a cop.
- Oh, okay.
The bong's out back.
-Got it. Okay.
- Guys, there's a cop here.
There's a cop!
-Cops! Go, go, go.
Hey, Tatiana, we gotta go.
-Mr. D?
- No. There's... There's a cop
here. We gotta go now.
- What about my baby? I...
- No, leave it, come on!
We gotta go.
-Hey.
You're my friend
from the ice cream shop.
Okay. Why don't you put
that illegal thing down.
And that way, I don't have
to arrest you, okay?
We can both just walk away.
Does that sound good?
Shit! Ow!
Do not make me chase you!
I'm pregnant!
- This is gonna be in the
Guinness Book of World Records!
You're fast.
-Oh, no.
- Where's your math now?
- Idiot.
Oh, dude.
-Hey! Damn!
Hey, you do the crime,
you do the crime.
- Do the crime. Fuck yeah, bro.
Why?
- Reported stolen vehicle...
Yellow Hummer
with the word "Capitalism"
spray-painted
on the passenger side.
- Why would anyone
steal that car?
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
- What is wrong
with this person?
Pull over.
-Sam?
Why are you wearing a helmet?
-Morgan?
- Guys, hey!
-What are you doing here?
- They don't
tell you this online,
but the vodka tampon has, like,
a real suppository effect.
So this guy caught me
shitting on his front lawn.
I was like, "What do
you think fertilizer is?"
Anyway, now I'm here.
- Can I have a word
with you guys for a sec?
Not you.
You know, I was expecting
to have a quiet night
in the office.
I was gonna do some light DMing,
maybe watch "Game of Thrones,"
have a little ice cream.
I wasn't planning to run
around town fully pregnant
trying to arrest
the co-valedictorians.
Can you just tell me
what happened,
and start from
the beginning, please?
-My experience in mock trial
has taught me not to talk
to a police officer
until first engaging
with an attorney.
- Okay, your friend sucks.
- She's not my friend anymore.
-Being pregnant is really crazy.
'Cause everything I see here
makes me think
of what's going on in here.
If you guys are
the best-case scenario,
then we're really all screwed.
I need more pickles.
I'm so depressed.
- I don't know why
I always listen to you.
-Because I'm smarter.
- You are not smarter than me,
Danielle.
-If I'm not smarter than you,
then how come I'm the one
that got into Harvard?
-I got into Harvard.
-What?
- I got in, but I didn't
want to tell you
because you got wait-listed,
and I didn't want
you to feel bad.
- Well, if you got into Harvard,
then why are you going to state?
- Do you even know
how much Harvard costs?
-No.
- Right.
Of course you don't.
You don't even need
to think about that.
Your moms have probably
been putting money
into a college fund
since you were 10.
- Actually, they started
before I was conceived.
- Well, not everyone is
as lucky as you, Danielle.
Everything is just
so fucking easy for you.
-Are you kidding me?
Do you know what kind
of pressure I'm under?
My parents have invested
everything that they have
into me.
- Danielle,
your parents are here.
- Danielle was charged
with motor vehicle theft,
and I was charged
with possession
of a controlled substance
and resisting arrest.
Both charges meant that
we wouldn't get to graduate.
My dad took another hour
and 10 minutes to get there.
But I now know that
he smokes pot, so...
- Ugh. Oh. I am pickled out.
-Yeah, you just ate seven.
- It wasn't seven.
- I counted.
-Okay, that's gross.
You know, you're obviously
a good kid.
What... What happened tonight?
- Danielle and I got called
"good girls" in the yearbook.
-Oh.
- I think we just
sort of freaked out.
- You know what I got called
in my high-school yearbook?
Most Muppet-like.
I mean, do I look
like a Muppet to you?
Do I? - Definitely not.
-No, I still can't wear fleece.
It really fucked me up
for a long time.
And then I realized,
those yearbook people,
they were all the ones
who were too dumb
to write for the newspaper.
It shouldn't affect
your whole life, okay?
You're like a young, dumb me.
With worse hair.
- She... Do you understa...
She is under investigation.
- I know.
- That means no graduation.
That means no Harvard!
Do you... Well, how...
Where did we go wrong?
Where did we...
-It's gonna be okay, baby, okay?
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation, sweetheart.
-I gotta go lay down.
-Man. What a terrible day.
-I have to tell you something.
Dad, I was the one
who left the freezers open.
Danielle and I smoked your pot.
And we went to the shop,
and we made a big mess.
I also may have purchased
a small dog.
-I don't know what to say, Sam.
I'm... I'm
so disappointed in you.
-You're disappointed in me?
-Yeah.
-Dad, I do everything right.
I... I get straight A's,
I clean up after you, I work.
I got a scholarship to college,
but it's like
you don't even notice.
I-I mean, I feel like
I'm your employee.
- Okay, hold on.
Let's not go crazy here.
Of course I notice you.
- I've been trying to talk to you
about college options for weeks,
and you keep blowing me off.
- All right, well,
let's talk about it now.
-Well, it's too late now.
Why is it that
you only notice me
now that I did something wrong?
I mean, why didn't you notice me
when I was doing
everything right?
- Sam...
- I need to take a walk.
Hi.
-Your mom's pretty upset.
She just needs time
to process things.
You, um...
You feel like telling me what
happened a little bit, hmm?
Why did you steal
that boy's car?
Is it 'cause
it was a gas-guzzler?
-Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
- You can't tell anyone.
-No. Okay, I won't.
- Have you ever farted
during sex?
-You mean like a queef?
Oh. It's pretty common, honey.
You see, Danielle,
the... the vagina...
- ...the canal can get air
trapped in it,
and then... pbht.
You just... You can't...
It's... Oh.
Oh, honey. It's okay.
It's just air.
-Can I help you?
-Are you Mr. D's wife?
-Yeah.
- I am the girl
who sexted your husband.
I've always wondered about
what Mr. D would look like
in his pajamas.
But I... was hoping
that the circumstances
would be different.
I came to apologize
for sending you that text.
I can assure you
that it was an accident.
I realize that doesn't mitigate
the emotional turmoil
that this may have
caused you or your wife,
but I want you to know
that... that I am prepared
to suffer the consequences.
We can go back
to the police station,
and I can explain everything.
And I'll tell them
that it was all my fault
and that you had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
- Why would we go
to the police station?
- I thought you already
reported the incident.
-What?
- There were
police officers here.
Pizza Ken told me.
- Oh, Pizza Ken. Okay.
Um, I host
a monthly trivia night.
I have friends on the force,
and they came over.
Sam, I assume the text that
you sent was some kind of prank.
-I am so embarrassed.
I mean, I just had
the worst night of my life.
-You want to talk about it?
- Danielle and I
smoked some pot, and...
and things got out of hand,
and we both got arrested.
I won't get to graduate,
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna lose my scholarship.
And everything I've been working
so hard for, it's just gone.
-That's not so bad.
-How?
- Well, I mean,
you're still alive.
You're the best student
I've ever had, Sam.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You're gonna go on to do
amazing things with your life.
I mean, one bad night
isn't going to erase
all of your promise.
Life is cumulative.
- Thanks, Mr. D.
- There is one thing
you could do.
-Anything. Name it.
- Okay, please just hand in
those teacher evaluations.
- I will.
- Thank you.
- For the record,
those weren't even my boobs.
- You know, we don't have
to talk about that.
-Fuck.
I forgot thathappened.
Can we please talk?
Things with Jeremy got
really intense last night.
I think we kind of had sex.
I mean, we definitely did,
but it was weird,
and I could... I could
really use a friend right now.
- I really needed a friend
last night.
-Sam...
-All of the ice cream melted
'cause we left
the freezers open.
And now my dad's
shutting down the shop.
-What?!
No, you guys can't let
those unicorn fuckers win.
Your ice cream is way better.
- I don't ever want
to talk to you again.
-Sam!
-For the record,
I was really happy
with who we were before.
I shouldn't care so much about
what other people think.
- Congratulations!
-On what?
What's... going on?
-You got into Harvard.
-Dad, I know.
They E-mailed me
a couple months ago.
-Well, why didn't you tell me?
-I tried.
It's just too expensive.
I know we're struggling
right now.
And I don't want
to add to that...
- How do you know
we're struggling?
-I work at the shop.
And also we had mac-and-cheese
13 times last month.
- I thought you like
mac-and-cheese.
-I did.
-Okay, honey...
Listen, we're selling
the ice cream shop.
With that money,
we'll have more than enough
to send you to Harvard.
-Dad, I... I, um...
I declined admission.
-Sam, you've gotta call them
and tell them you made
a mistake, okay?
-It's... It's too late, Dad.
Look, sweetie,
when your mom died,
she made me promise one thing...
That I wouldn't mess you up.
Have I messed you up?
-I don't think so.
- It's not easy having a kid
that's smarter than you are.
I have to face
that humiliation every day.
But in exchange,
I get to tell people
that I have a smart kid...
Harvard smart.
My parents, they gave me
an ice cream shop.
But you could do great things.
You could cure cancer.
You could make a-a-a pea protein
that finally tastes
as good as meat does.
Sam, I want you
to be your best self.
Now, have you talked
about this with Danielle?
-No. We're not friends anymore.
- What are you talking about?
What happened?
- She said that she was
smarter than me.
- Was she high
when she said that?
All right, I get that.
One time, I got so high,
I thought I knew
how to sail a boat.
I was stuck on the lake
for three days.
I had to drink my own urine.
-So, I... I guess I've learned
all sorts of things
this weekend.
I'm too high to come down!
-This bong is huge.
Like, this is some
world record shit right now.
Did you see that it got
a Wiki page?
- Oh, my God, I can't believe
she did that.
- Dude, me, neither.
It already has 500 hits.
Is that considered viral?
- I lost my best friend.
- You know that's not true.
- She says that she thinks
I care too much
about what people think,
and I'm worried
that she's right.
- Well, your answer's
right there... don't care.
You're dead-ass one of
the baddest bitches that I know.
Fuck good girls,
fuck what other people think.
Just be yourself.
- Thanks, Pizza Ken.
- You're welcome.
I'm full of wisdom...
and garlic knots that I stole.
Eat one.
- I don't like to make
qualitative judgments,
but this was the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.
I mean, if she wanted
to reference
our pizza-and-a-doc night...
- ...then she should have
brought me pizza.
Or a documentary.
I'm sorry I abandoned you
last night.
I don't care what anybody thinks
about me anymore.
I just want my best friend back.
And I'm prepared to dress
like this every single day
until you accept my undying
devotion to our friendship.
- You're seriously willing
to wear that shirt everyday?
-Yes.
-Even if it starts smelling?
-Yes.
- Underwear, too?
- Yes.
And I'm sorry that I said
that I was smarter than you.
I'm definitely not.
You're way smarter than me.
- No, I mean, you're
more right-brained,
and I'm more left-brained.
So, together, we just
make one giant brain.
- I love you, Sam.
- I love you, too.
-Oh!
- Also, I think I figured out
a way to save the shop.
But I'm gonna need your help.
- Hi, Mr. D.
- Hey, Sam.
- I just turned in
the teacher evaluations.
- Thank you.
- Um...
Since it's the end
of the year and all,
I was wondering if
I could have something.
Okay. On three.
One... two... three.
Needs a clever name.
-What about dragon balls?
Or smokey balls. Steamy balls.
- Let's just steer clear
of the word "balls."
-What about ghost candy?
-Ghost candy.
I like it.
No one's coming.
-They don't know what we have.
People need to see it.
I have an idea.
-What is that?
- Ghost candy.
They sell it in there.
-Cool. Let's go.
Hi. I'll have
whatever he's having.
-That will be $5, please.
- Hey, guys, I'm at
Jansen's Ice Cream Shop,
and I'm about to try ghost candy
for the first time.
- How'd you guys
come up with this?
-Hey.
-Hey.
What are you doing here?
- I just came here
to apologize...
for the way I acted
the other night.
I'm sorry that I was a jerk
and that I, um, bailed
right after we...
you know.
-I'm sorry I stole your car.
- Oh, yeah, about that... Um,
I spoke to the police today.
I told them I gave you my keys,
and they're dropping the case.
Really?
I'm gonna get to graduate?
Yeah.
- Artforummagazine saw my photo
of the crime scene on Instagram,
and they're going to publish it
in their next issue.
-Wow. That's amazing.
- It's actually
a really big break for me.
I should be thanking you
for stealing my car.
- You're welcome.
-Are we cool?
-Yeah, we're cool.
-All right.
Okay.
Um, hey...
Would you...
maybe want to go
on a date some time?
-Maybe we could just be friends.
-Oh, yeah, um...
No. That's cool.
- So, this meant that
Danielle was graduating
and I was still
a juvenile delinquent.
That was great for her.
-Where is she?
- Welcome, parents,
faculty, and graduates.
- I'm not going
if you can't graduate.
Is that your graduation robe?
-I made it a nest for Zelda.
I call it the nest
of broken dreams.
- I saw that ghost candy
on Instagram.
I have to make sure
it's not drugs.
- It's not.
It's liquid nitrogen.
It's food grade.
- It's totally edible.
- Okay, I'll take
your word for it.
Why aren't you at graduation?
- I think it will be
too painful to just watch.
- And I am not going
if Sam can't graduate.
- That's funny, 'cause I talked
to a guy named Mr. D
and the principal
of your school,
and they both seem to think
you're graduating today.
- What?
- The charges have been dropped.
All of the paperwork
was covered in pickle juice.
Yeah, hurry up.
You're gonna be late.
- This is the best day
of my life.
Is that sad?
- You know, my students, uh,
come up to me
all the time, and they ask me,
"How often will I really
need chemistry?"
And I tell them, "Periodically."
Ah, now please welcome
Woodbright High's
co-valedictorians...
Danielle Compton and Sam Jansen!
-Wait. We don't have a speech.
-We're gonna have to wing it.
-Oh, shit.
Those of you that know me
know that I love Shakespeare.
He once wrote,
"To thine own self be true."
Well, this weekend,
I forgot to take his advice.
I was convinced that
I had to be different.
High school has a funny way
of putting people into boxes...
This person's good at math,
that person is good at football.
That person really knows
how to put on eyeliner
while doing kundalini yoga.
But we're all
so much more than that.
High school isn't about
how other people see us.
It's about figuring out
who we are
and staying true to that.
And I learned that
not from Shakespeare...
but from my best friend, Sam.
It's all you.
-This past weekend,
Danielle and I got high
for the first time in our lives.
A lot of really messed up things
happened after that.
Danielle lost her virginity
inside of a Hummer.
It's true. I did that.
- And I helped build
the world's tallest bong,
which unfortunately was damaged
before being documented
by the Guinness Book
of World Records.
Then we got arrested, and our
lives were pretty much ruined.
But... I think I learned more
this weekend
than I did in all four years
of high school.
The most important thing
I learned
is that life is cumulative.
Each day provides a chance
for us to be our best selves.
So... let's strive to be
our best selves
as we head into the future.
Congratulations, Class of 2018.
-Those are my girls!
- Super boring.
- That was fuckin' lame.
-Whoo!
-So, that's my story.
As you can see, I've really
grown a lot this past weekend.
And if life truly is cumulative,
I hope you'll reconsider
my admission for next year.
The ghost candy
is selling like crazy,
and I can totally
afford to come now.
Also, I have my room
assignment all figured out.
-Hi. Are you done?
-Yeah, I think so.
- I forgot. I got you something.
-What?
This is even newer
than the one I had.
Where did you get this?
-From a patron of the arts.
- I'm surprised no
one's stolen that iPhone yet.
Oh. Whoops.
- Okay, we have
decorative options.
Which do you prefer...
Solar system... or artful map?
-What do you think, Zelda?
Artful map.
- I was hoping
you would say that.
-What's up, puppers?
Oh, my God! Patty had her baby.
She's so cute.
- Aww!
- Aww!
- Hey, guys.
There's a huge
beginning-of-the-year party
happening tonight.
Everybody's going.
Do you want to pop in?
-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.
Just kidding.
I'm Danny. I'm an actor.
-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.
Just kidding.
I'm Danny. I'm an actor.