Giving It Up (1999) - full transcript

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

♪ WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL

♪ WELL, I DON'T PACK PICKLES
IN MY POCKETS ♪

♪ I KEEP MY SOCKS ON MY FEET

♪ I MAY BE SHORT AND WHITE,
BUT I GOT ONE THING RIGHT ♪

♪ MY LOVE'S BIGGER
THAN YOU THINK ♪

♪ MY LOVE IS BIGGER
THAN YOU THINK ♪

♪ LIKE A
HINDENBURG
MODEL
DONE IN PINK ♪

♪ IT COULD GO ANYTIME,
SO GOT A KITCHEN SINK ♪

♪ MY LOVE IS BIGGER
THAN YOU THINK ♪

♪ MY LOVE



♪ PEOPLE TALK,
WHAT DO THEY KNOW? ♪

♪ THEY SPEAK OF HANDS AND
FINGERS AND FEETS AND TOES ♪

♪ SPECULATE MY HEIGHT

♪ OR SHADES OF BLACK AND WHITE

♪ BUT THAT DON'T MEAN A THING

♪ MY LOVE IS BIGGER
THAN YOU THINK ♪

♪ LIKE A
HINDENBURG
MODEL
DONE UP IN PINK ♪

♪ THIS HERE FINE HEALTHY MAN
WITH AN OVERACTIVE GLAND ♪

♪ MY LOVE IS BIGGER
THAN YOU THINK ♪

♪ TALES OF PROWESS,
THEY'RE ANYONE'S GUESS ♪

♪ LIKE STAINS
ON BATHROOM WALLS ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMY NIGHT
WITH A FRIEND ♪

♪ ABRUPTLY COMES TO AN END

♪ THEN YOU SCREAM OUT



♪ BABY, THAT'S ALL

UH-UH.

MMM.

OHH. OHH.

OHH.
MMM.

[RADIO CLICKS ON]
♪ MY LOVE IS BIGGER
THAN YOU THINK ♪

OH, SHIT. SORRY.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MAN EXHALES]
UHH.

NO, NO, NO.
MORNING BREATH.

[BOTH MOANING]

COME ON, KISS ME.

NO.

[MOANS]

YEAH. MMM.

COME ON.

[MOANING]

UGH!

[VOMITING]

Man: LISTERINE,
THE ONLY THING
TO REACH FOR

BEFORE THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

IDEA TO RUN
BY PROCTER & GAMBLE.

GENIUS. PURE GENIUS.

THE CLIENT WILL
LOVE THAT, AS USUAL.

COFFEE?

NEVER TOUCH THE STUFF.

OH, RIGHT.

FREAK.

HOW COME EVERY GUY I KNOW
GETS TOTALLY TURNED ON

BY THE IDEA OF 2 GIRLS
GOING AT IT,

BUT I DON'T KNOW ANY GIRLS
THAT GET EXCITED

ABOUT 2 GUYS DOING IT?

MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW
THE RIGHT GIRLS.

FOR INSTANCE, SUPERMODEL
OF THE MINUTE AMBER.

AH.

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?
YOU CAN'T WALK 10 FEET
IN THIS CITY

WITHOUT SEEING SOME
RIDICULOUS HOTTIE.

AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW
YOU, THEY DON'T WANT
TO KNOW YOU.

RIGHT. IT'S LIKE
YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST.

AND EVEN IF THEY
DO LOOK,

AND YOU DON'T COME UP
WITH SOMETHING
REALLY WITTY

RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT
TO GET THEIR
ATTENTION...

THEY'RE GONE FOREVER.
NEVER SEE 'EM AGAIN.

OHH, ADD HER
TO MY SLIDE SHOW.

SLIDE SHOW? YOU DON'T
NEED A SLIDE SHOW,

I NEED A SLIDE SHOW.
YOU GET THE WHITE OUT
EVERY NIGHT.

ACTUALLY, I GOT IT OUT
THIS MORNING.

THAT BABE FROM
THE AWARDS DINNER? YEP.

WHY CAN'T I WIN AN AWARD
IN FRONT OF 300 HOT WOMEN?

WHAT WAS HER NAME,
ANYWAYS?

ANYONE ACTUALLY GET
ANY WORK DONE HERE?

ACTUALLY, WE'RE PRETTY MUCH
THE HOTTEST SHOP IN TOWN
RIGHT NOW.

BOOKINGS ARE BIGGER
THAN EVER THIS YEAR.

NEW ACCOUNTS ARE
COMING IN FASTER
THAN WE CAN HANDLE THEM.

WHICH IS, I'M SURE,
WHY THEY BROUGHT YOU IN.

IS THAT WHY? I WAS
BEGINNING TO WONDER.

THE BEST PART IS
THERE'S, LIKE, YOUNG
HOT GUYS EVERYWHERE.

WHAT, ALL THE CREATIVES?

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

JUST A HUNCH.

HMM. IS THIS SUBLIMINAL
ADVERTISING?

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S ONE
OF OUR BIGGEST ACCOUNTS.

SUBTLE.

OHH.

I THINK IT STARTED
WITH A "D."

IT WAS LIKE DEANNA,
DIANA, OR DONNA...

SO, WHATEVER,
SO, LISTEN,

I GET THIS BLIND DATE
THE OTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

AND THE GIRL THAT SETS
ME UP IS, LIKE, A FRIEND

OF A FRIEND OF SOMEBODY
WHO I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

SO, IT'S LIKE A DEAF,
DUMB, AND BLIND DATE?

RIGHT. AND SO THIS GIRL
WHO'S, LIKE, A FULL-ON...

JAP, BY THE WAY, I MEAN,
TOTAL LONG ISLAND DRAWL
AND EVERYTHING,

SAYS TO ME, AND I QUOTE,

"SHE LOOKS LIKE A MODEL."

RIGHT. ALL THE GUYS
LOVE HER.

YEAH, RIGHT. RIGHT.

SO, ANYWAYS, SO,
I GO HOME AND, UH,

I'M GONNA MEET HER OUT
IN FRONT OF MY PLACE,

AND I'M RUNNIN' LATE,
SO I SHOWER, AND I SHAVE,

AND I GET DOWN THERE
IN, LIKE, 2 SECONDS.

SHE'S NOT THERE?
NO, NO, SHE'S THERE.

BUT NOT ONLY DOES SHE
NOT LOOK LIKE A MODEL,

SHE'S GOT, LIKE,
HAIR TO THE CEILING.

JERSEY.
YEAH, RIGHT.

SO, THE THING IS, THOUGH,

I CAN TELL THAT
UNDERNEATH THE BASE,
SHE'S KIND OF HOT.

YOU KNOW? SO WE GO
TO THE RESTAURANT,

AND SHE GETS UP,
AND SHE HAS TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM,

AND I TOOK OFF MY JACKET.

AND I GUESS--I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I WAS NERVOUS,

AND I DIDN'T PUT ON
ANY ANTI-PERSPIRANT
OR SOMETHING,

BUT MY PITS ARE SOAKED.

I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE,
NOT EVEN RINGS.

IT'S JUST LIKE THESE
2 DARK SHAPES

MOVING TOWARDS THE FRONT
OF MY CHEST, YOU KNOW.

SO I TOTALLY--

I TOTALLY PANIC.

AND, UH, NOW,
I HAVE TO GET UP,

AND I'M IN THE BATHROOM,
AND I TURN ON
THE LITTLE HAND DRYER,

AND I GOTTA POINT IT UP
TO DRY OFF MY PITS,
SO I CAN--

WAIT. WAIT, HOLD ON.

I CAN'T REMEMBER
HER FUCKING NAME.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

THE GIRL FROM
THE AWARDS DINNER.
I DON'T KNOW--

I WAS WITH HER LAST NIGHT,
I WAS INSIDE HER AN HOUR AGO,

AND NOW I--I CAN'T REMEMBER
HER FUCKING NAME.

WHY DO YOU CARE?

IT'S JUST SO WRONG.
I MEAN...

I GOTTA MAKE A CHANGE.

I CAN'T KEEP GOING OUT
WITH THESE NAMELESS WOMEN.

OH, DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU--
I GOTTA MOVE ON.

"I GOTTA." LISTEN.
I'M SERIOUS.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR
LIFE. I LOVE YOUR LIFE.

DO YOU REALIZE
I HAVE A BETTER
VICARIOUS SEX LIFE

THAN MOST PEOPLE'S
REAL LIVES?

REALLY! I LOVE
YOUR LIFE.

YOUR LIFE IS LIKE
A GREAT PORNO MOVIE,

EXCEPT WITH BETTER
LIGHTING. YOU KNOW?

AND THERE'S GREAT CHEESY
MUSIC AND LOTS OF WOMEN.

YOU COULD USE MORE
LESBIANS, THOUGH.

OH, YOU THINK?
YEAH.

THANKS FOR THE NOTE.

NAH, I GOTTA--MAYBE
I JUST HAVEN'T MET

THE RIGHT WOMAN YET
OR SOMETHING.

MAYBE THERE ISN'T
THE RIGHT WOMAN.

MAYBE I'M JUST
AN ASSHOLE.

MAYBE YOU JUST LIKE
TO GET LAID.

I GOT IT! DELIA!
THAT WAS HER NAME.

DELIA.
DELIA.

Woman: GOOD MORNING,
GALLANT ADVERTISING.

GOOD MORNING,
PLEASE HOLD.

GOOD MORNING,
PLEASE HOLD.

Second woman:
GOOD MORNING, RALPH.

Ralph: HEY.

WHAT, IS EVERYDAY LIKE
SECRETARIES DAY WITH YOU?

MORNING, RALPH, I MISSED
YOU LAST NIGHT.

YEAH...

SHE'S JUST A TEMP.

OH, GOOD.

OH, YUMMIES,
GOOD MORNING.

YUM, YUM.

NO, IT'S YUMMIES.
IT'S MY OWN NEW SAYING.

IT'S LIKE YUPPIES.

YEAH, BUT YUPPIES
IS YOUNG URBAN
PROFESSIONALS.

HOW IS YUPPIES
LIKE YUMMIES?

IT'S BETTER. IT'S YOUNG
URBAN MODELS. YUMMIES.

NOT ONLY IS IT
AN ACRONYM, BUT IT'S
ALSO AN ONOMATOPOEIA.

OH, 'CAUSE
THEY'RE...YUMMY.
YUMMY.

RIGHT, THAT'S WHY
I'M SO TICKLED.

AHEM.

GUYS, THIS IS OUR
NEW ACCOUNT
DIRECTOR,

ELIZABETH BRENNER.

PETER McGRATH, ONE
OF OUR COPYWRITERS.

AND OUR NEW
ASSOCIATE CREATIVE
DIRECTOR,

RALPH GAGANTE.

HI.
HI.

ALL RIGHT.
PITCH MODE,
PEOPLE.

SPARTAN CONDOM
CAMPAIGN.

OK, KID, BRING
US UP TO SPEED.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

A TEEN COUPLE,
ABOUT 14 YEARS OLD,
ABOUT TO GET DOWN.

AW, YEAH.

BLACK AND WHITE,
EXTREME CLOSE-UPS

AND QUICK JARRING CUTS.
NO DIALOGUE AT ALL.

HE RIPS OPEN HER BLOUSE.
WHOO!

THE BUTTONS SCATTER
IN SLOW MOTION.

SHE FUMBLES CLUMSILY
WITH THE BUTTON
AT HIS NECK,

GETS FRUSTRATED,
GRABS IT WITH HER TEETH,

SPITS IT OUT.
PTOO!

CUT BACK, THEY'RE DOWN
TO THEIR UNDERWEAR.

HE MOVES TOWARDS HER.

SHE STOPS HIM.
HER LOOK SAYS IT ALL.

NO GLOVE, NO LOVE.

UH-UH.

BUT HE PLEADS WITH HER.
"COME ON,

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER
WITHOUT A CONDOM."
SHE'S NOT GOING FOR IT.

SO HE REACHES
INTO THE BACK
OF HIS POCKET,

PULLS OUT
THE GENERICALLY
PACKAGED CONDOM.

BUT HE CAN'T OPEN IT.
IT JUST WON'T TEAR.

HE'S TRYING,
SHE'S RIDING UP ON HIM,
GETTING IMPATIENT.

"COME ON, BABY."

SO, SHE REACHES INTO HER
BAG AND PULLS OUT...

THE PRODUCT.
♪ BOM-CHIK-A
BOM-BOM ♪

SHE OPENS IT,

THE CONDOM SPILLS OUT.
HE SMILES, RELIEVED.

DISSOLVE THROUGH
THIS ECSTATIC SHOT

OF THEM REACHING
BLISSFUL SATISFACTION
TOGETHER.

♪ BA-BOM-BOM

VOICE OVER: "THE SAFE
CASE FROM SPARTAN.

"WE'VE BEEN AROUND
FOR 30 YEARS,

WE WANT YOU TO BE AROUND
A LOT LONGER."

THAT'S A GREAT
JOB, KID.

OK, NOTES.

Elizabeth:
YEAH, I'VE GOT NOTES.

I LIKE THE TAGLINE,
BUT IS ANYBODY NEEDING

CHILD PORNOGRAPHY
MASKING AS AVANT-GARDE FILM?

DID YOU--DID YOU ACTUALLY
DRAW IN THAT WOMAN'S NIPPLE?

YUP.

YOU CANNOT SHOW A NIPPLE
ON TELEVISION.

FOX WILL RUN IT.
THEY RUN ANYTHING.

LEGAL WON'T CLEAR IT.

DID YOU LOOK
AT THAT NIPPLE?
THAT'S A GREAT NIPPLE.

THE NETWORKS ARE DEFINITELY
NOT GOING TO LET YOU SHOW
THEM COMING TOGETHER.

THEY'RE NOT
COMING
TOGETHER. THEY'RE
COMING TOGETHER.

ISN'T THIS WHAT
MADE US SUCCESSFUL
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HIGH-IMPACT CREATIVE.

IN-YOUR-FACE,
DOWN-YOUR-THROAT,

UP-YOUR-BAD-ASS
ADVERTISING.

WE'RE SELLING SAFE SEX,
NOT EROTICA.

THESE SUITS ALWAYS
MISS THE POINT.

WHAT WE'RE TRYING
TO SAY IS THAT SAFE SEX
CAN BE EROTIC...

ALL EVIDENCE
TO THE CONTRARY.

THE CLIMAX, THE SEX,
ELIZABETH, IS WHAT
SELLS THE PRODUCT.

I THINK THE CLIENT WOULD
LIKE TO TARGET A MORE
SOPHISTICATED DEMOGRAPHIC.

WITH THIS, YOU'RE ALIENATING
EVERYBODY BUT TEENAGE KIDS.

AND WAIT, I WAS RIGHT.
THAT'S PORNO MUSIC.

NO, IT'S FROMSHAFT.

ACTUALLY, THAT WAS
FROM
CAR WASH.

IT'S ISAAC HAYES,
MAN. BLACK MOSES.

NO, AT THE END.
THE GUY COMES IN
IN THE CADDY.

IT'S DIRTY.
HE WANTS IT CLEAN.

I REMEMBER THAT.
I LOVE THAT SCENE.

HE GETS A VERY CLEAN
CAR AT THE END.

MY MOM'S GOT
HIS GREATEST HITS
AT HER HOUSE.

ACTUALLY,
GUYS,

THAT WAS
DEBBIE DOES
DALLAS.

Man: WAIT A MINUTE,
FOLKS. WHAT WE
NEED HERE

IS A LITTLE SYNERGY,
NOT ANARCHY.

NOW, THIS CLIENT
IS A-LIST. THEY
PLAY ROCKETBALL.

SO, WE'LL LOSE
THE CLIMAX, KID,

BUT WE'LL SAVE
THE NIPPLE SHOT.

AS FAR AS
THE CENSORS
ARE CONCERNED,

I'M SURE THAT...

YOU'LL FIND A
WAY TO MAKE THAT
HAPPEN, LIZ.

ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH.

OK?

I'M OFF
TO THE COAST,

WHERE THEY'RE
GOING A LITTLE
BALLISTIC.

SO, UH,

YOU GUYS NOODLE
THIS AND THEN
LAY IT ON ME

ON FRIDAY
AT THE GANGBANG.

OK? CIAO BELLA!

[WHISPERING]
Ciao. Ciao.

SEE YOU LATER, MAN.
LATER, DUDE.

UH, ELIZABETH? RALPH.

I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT
A BIG FAN OF MY WORK.

IT'S NOT THAT, RALPH.
IT'S JUST,
DON'T YOU THINK

WE'RE SORT OF TAKING
THE LOW ROAD HERE?

YES, I HEARD WHAT YOU
SAID IN THE MEETING.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
SEX SELLS, ELIZABETH.

IT'S SOMETHING EVERYBODY
FEELS ENTITLED TO.

IT'S NOT THE SEX I HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH, RALPH.

IT'S HOW YOU USE
THE SEX.

WELL, HOW DO YOU EXPECT
ME TO SELL CONDOMS
WITHOUT USING SEX?

YOU'RE THE CREATIVE HERE.
CREATE!

WHAT?

UH, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

YOU'RE JUST SO,
UH, PASSIONATE

AND, LIKE, INTELLIGENT.

OH, PLEASE.

NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

EVERY SURVEY THEY TAKE
TELLS ME,

"SELL SEX. SEX SELLS.
SELLING IS SEXY." SO...

AND THE NIPPLE SHOT?

THAT'S A PERSONAL THING.

SO YOU--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
IT'S A PERSONAL THING?

YOU KNOW, LIKE A FETISH.

FETISH?

OH, LIKE, UH,

LIKE THE SMALL
OF A WOMAN'S BACK.

OR THE SPACE
JUST BEHIND
HER SHOULDER BLADE.

OR THAT LITTLE SPOT
RIGHT BEHIND HER EAR.

OK, I GET IT.
I GOT THE POINT.

THESE ARE THE THINGS
THAT TURN PEOPLE ON.

YOU KNOW?
I'M BEING HONEST HERE.

YOU'VE GOT SOME LINE,
GAGANTE.

I MEAN, YOU REALLY
ARE CONVINCED THAT

EVERY WOMAN WANTS
TO SLEEP WITH YOU.

NOT EVERY WOMAN,
BUT A LOT.

CAN I TAKE YOU
OUT TO DINNER?

BEST ITALIAN IN NEW YORK.

NO, NO. WE CAN
TALK ABOUT WORK.

YEAH, I WOULD
LIKE TO HEAR

WHAT YOU SO-CALLED
CREATIVES ACTUALLY DO.

GREAT.
GREAT.

I'LL, UH, PICK YOU UP
AROUND 7:00?

OH. OH, WAIT, I CAN'T.

I'VE GOT A DATE.

RIGHT.

SHE'S GOT A DATE.

Ralph: JEANS, JEANS, JEANS...

I LOVE MY JEANS.
MY JEANS ARE SO HOT.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE THIS LATE?

GOD, I SHOULD BE OUT
WITH SOMEONE.

THEY DON'T PAY ME ENOUGH
FOR THIS.

WELL, YEAH, THEY DO.

GOD, IT'S HOT.

OK.

[SNIFFING]

[MOANING]

OH, YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.

SURE. I'D GIVE THE SHIRT...

OFF MY BACK...

FOR JEANS...

THAT FIT.

AMBER.

Amber: I'D TAKE OFF MY JEANS
FOR YOU, RALPH.

EVEN IF THEY DID FIT.

UH...

[PORNO MUSIC PLAYING]

DO YOU WANT ME?

YEAH. [UNZIPS PANTS]
I WANT YOU HERE.

OH, GOD.

IN THIS OFFICE.

[SNIFFS]

RIGHT NOW.

OK. YOU CAN HAVE ME.

MMM.
OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE SO SEXY.
YOU ARE SO HOT.

GIVE IT TO ME.
OK.

COME ON, BABY,
TAKE ME FROM BEHIND.

OH, GOD.

YEAH. YEAH--WAIT.

LET ME DRAW YOUR NIPPLE.

OH, GOD, YEAH!
OH, MY GOD.

[GRUNTS]
MMM.

[GRUNTS]
MMM.

ALWAYS WORKING, HUH, KIDDO?

UH...YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW ME.

YOU KEEP IT UP,
ONE OF THESE DAYS,

I MIGHT BE CALLING YOU
PARTNER.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU.

Amber: OH, RALPH.

THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

UH, THANKS.

WE COULD HAVE TAKEN
A CAB, YOU KNOW.

UGH! YUCK!

WOW, I COULD LIVE HERE.
SERIOUSLY.

YOU FIT IN PERFECTLY,
PETER.

ARE YOU THE
ADVERTISING PEOPLE?

MR. WEXLER. JOSEPH.

HI, ELIZABETH BRENNER.
WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

THIS IS RALPH GAGANTE,
OUR ASSOCIATE CREATIVE
DIRECTOR.

AND PETER McGRATH,
ONE OF OUR COPYWRITERS.

THANKS
FOR COMING DOWN.

THIS PLACE IS AMAZING,
JOSEPH!

THANKS.

UNFORTUNATELY,
AS YOU CAN SEE,

THEY'RE NOT EXACTLY
COMING IN IN DROVES.

AS IT STANDS,
I CAN'T EVEN TURN ON
THE NEON LIGHTS,

MUCH LESS THE
KARAOKE MACHINE.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WELL, I GOT THIS PLACE
IN A FORECLOSURE,

BUT IT COST ME
EVERYTHING I HAD.

AND NOW I'VE GOT
THIS HUGE OVERHEAD
WITH NO BASE CLIENTELE.

SEE, THE PREVIOUS OWNER
JACKED THE PRICES UP
SO HIGH,

IT SCARED A LOT
OF THE PARENTS OFF.

SO, WHAT DID YOU
HAVE IN MIND?

WELL, I JUST NEED TO GET
THE WORD OUT TO PEOPLE

WHO COULDN'T AFFORD
TO BRING THEIR KIDS
HERE BEFORE.

SO, TARGET A MULTI-ETHNIC
CROSS-SECTION?

MAYBE CREATE, LIKE,
A BLOCK PARTY IMAGE?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, LET'S SEE
WHAT WE HAVE
TO WORK WITH.

OK.

HAVE YOU HAD
A CHANCE
TO PUT TOGETHER

AN ADVERTISING
BUDGET?

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT
ON THE PHONE.

YOU HAVE NO BUDGET.
I HAVE NO BUDGET.

THAT'S OK.

BASICALLY, WE'RE
LOOKING AT, UM,

AT, UH, AIRTIME
AND PRODUCTION COSTS,

WHICH IS REALLY GONNA
BE THE MAIN DRAG.

WHOA!
HEY!

OH, YOU WANT
TO PLAY NOW, LOVER?

WE'LL FINISH THIS UP
LATER?

ALL RIGHT.
OK, THANKS.

SORRY.

SHE'S SOME LADY.

ARE YOU TWO, UH...

OH, NO.
WHY DO YOU ASK?

I DON'T KNOW.
JUST A THOUGHT.

YEAH. NO, NO.

MARK BROKE MY DOLL!
MARK BROKE MY DOLL!

WELL, UM, YOU KNOW WHAT
WE COULD DO, SWEETHEART?

JOSEPH, DO YOU HAVE
MARKERS, AND SCISSORS,
AND PAPER, AND STUFF?

WE GOT EVERYTHING.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE
YOU A NEW DOLL,

BUT WE'RE GONNA
NEED SOME HELP.

RIGHT. OK.

HEY, TEAM WONDER
CAMP, COME ON.
HUDDLE UP.

COME HERE, GUYS.

WE'RE GOING TO GO
TO THE ARTS AND
CRAFTS ROOM ON 3.

YOU READY?
1...2...3!

YEAH! COME ON!
COME ON!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RINGS]

UH-UH.

HEY, KID. LATER, OK?

WHAT'S UP?

ALL RIGHT, SO I MET
WITH THE WONDER CAMP GUY
THIS MORNING.

YEAH?

I REALLY WANT
TO DO IT.
GREAT. GREAT.

PROBLEM IS,
HE'S GOT NO MONEY.

HMM...FUCK HIM.

RIGHT. WE COULD DO THAT.

BUT I WAS THINKING
MAYBE WE DO IT PRO BONO.

PRO BONO?

BALK, BALK, BALK.

THAT'S ME BALKING.
PRO BONO, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I COULD DO IT--I COULD
DO SOME WORK
IN MY FREE TIME.

WHAT FREE TIME?

YOU'RE BANGING
SECRETARIES
TWICE A DAY.

YOU NAIL THAT ONE
YET, BY THE WAY?

NO, NO. SHE'S NOT
REALLY MY TYPE. WHY NOT?

SHE'S HUMANOID.
SHE'S A LITTLE BOOKISH.

AH.

SORRY, I CAN
COME BACK LATER.

NO, NO, NO. LIZ,
PLEASE SIT DOWN.

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE
SHOULD HEAR THIS
GAME PLAN.

MR. DON JUAN GANDHI

WANTS TO WORK
PRO BONO FOR
THE WONDER CAMP.

WANTS TO DO
THE CREATIVE WORK
IN HIS FREE TIME.

SO, MAHATMA,
TELL US

WHO YOU PLAN ON
SCREWING TO CRUNCH
THE NUMBERS.

WHAT? HEY...

ACTUALLY, JONATHAN,
THAT'S NOT GOING
TO BE NECESSARY.

I'VE BEEN CRUNCHING
THE NUMBERS, AND I THINK

THAT HE CAN AFFORD
THE AIRTIME AND
PRODUCTION COSTS

IF WE CAN PROVIDE
THE CREATIVE WORK
IN NUMBERS.

AH. ANOTHER
ALTRUIST.

JONATHAN, THIS GUY
IS REALLY TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING HERE.

I MEAN, WONDER CAMP IS
A SAFE AND CREATIVE PLACE
FOR THESE KIDS TO PLAY.

WITHOUT IT,
THEY HAVE NOTHING.

SO?

YOU KNOW, JONATHAN,
WE DO HAVE SOME CONTACTS
AT AD AGE.

THEY MIGHT LIKE A COVER
STORY ABOUT AN AD EXEC

WHO WANTS TO GIVE BACK
TO THE COMMUNITY.

DONE.

BUT I WANT BIG-TIME
P.R. ON THIS.

I WANT TO MILK
THIS BABY FOR ALL
IT'S WORTH, OK?

AND DON'T DROP
THE BALL ON THIS
ONE, KIDDIES,

BECAUSE BIG BROTHER
WILL BE WATCHING.

Ralph: I WANT TO USE WHAT
HAPPENED AT WONDER CAMP
IN THE AD, YOU KNOW?

SOMETHING ABOUT HOW
THE KIDS WERE WORKING
TOGETHER. TEAMWORK.

"TEAM WONDER CAMP."

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

"FOR PARENTS WHO TRAVEL,"

YOU KNOW, "WHETHER
AT WORK OR PLAY,

YOUR KIDS WILL BE
LOVED ALL DAY."

THAT SUCKS.
THAT SUCKS.

OK. UM.

SOMETHING ABOUT WONDER CAMP.
YOU KNOW, THE WORD "WONDER."

I DON'T KNOW, THERE'S
7 WONDERS OF THE WORLD.

THIS COULD BE
THE EIGHTH WONDER.

"WONDER CAMP,
THE EIGHTH WONDER
OF THE WORLD."

HEY, THAT'S GOOD.
I LIKE THAT.
JOSEPH WILL LOVE THAT.

WE CAN GET SHOTS OF
THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.

WE CAN GET
AN EXPENSE-PAID TRIP.
SO, WE'LL JUST--

WHOA. WHOA. I THINK,
GIVEN THE BUDGET
CONSTRAINTS,

WE MIGHT WANT TO KEEP IT
SIMPLE. WE HAVE TO USE
WHAT WE HAVE ACCESS TO.

I MEAN, WE HAVE THE
SPACE, WHICH IS GREAT.

UM, WE HAVE JOSEPH.

WE COULD USE
HIS ASSISTANT
IN THE SHOT.

SOMETHING LIKE HER
WITH ONE OF THE KIDS.

WAIT, HERE.
CHECK THIS OUT.

YOU ARE REALLY NOT WELL.

WHAT?

WELL, WHERE'S
THE NIPPLE, RALPH?

UH, TH-THERE'S
NO NIPPLE.

THIS SPOT IS
FOR A PLAYGROUND
FOR CHILDREN.

YOU CAN'T USE SEX
TO SELL THAT.

IT'S NOT SO MUCH SEX
AS IT IS AESTHETICS.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE
LOOKING AT
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE

IN ATTRACTIVE SETTINGS
WEARING ATTRACTIVE CLOTHES.

IT--IT ATTRACTS THEM.

HENCE, YOUR $1,200
SUITS, YOUR PERFECTLY
MUSSED-UP HAIR,

THE FERRARI.
GIVE ME A BREAK.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
I'M SOME KIND OF
MALE MODEL WANNABE.

FACE IT, RALPH,
EVERYTHING YOU DO,
SAY, OR WEAR

IS SHREWDLY CALCULATED
TO ATTRACT MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

EVERYTHING
EVERYBODY DOES IS.

YEAH, BUT FOR YOU
IT'S, LIKE,

THE CENTRAL ACTIVITY
OF YOUR LIFE, RIGHT?

SOMEHOW I SUSPECT IT'S
ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY.

WELL, YEAH. AS FAR BACK
AS I CAN REMEMBER.

Man: HEY, TERESA,
GET BACK IN THE HOUSE

BEFORE I SMACK YOU
ALL THE WAY BACK
TO BAY RIDGE, HUH.

FUCK YOU, VINNY,
YOU...PIGFUCKER!

HEY, DON'T YOU RAISE
YOUR VOICE TO ME!

Ralph: I GREW UP
IN BROOKLYN,

WHICH COULD BE THE SOURCE OF
ALL MY PROBLEMS RIGHT THERE.

SEE, MY MOTHER'S JEWISH,
AND MY FATHER'S ITALIAN,

WHICH, I GUESS, SORT OF
MAKES ME A PIZZA BAGEL.

ANYWAY, JEWS AND ITALIANS
ARE VERY SIMILAR.

OF COURSE, YOU'LL NEVER HEAR
ANY ITALIAN SAYING THAT.

BOTH HAVE GENEROUS TRADITIONS
OF GUILT. CATHOLIC GUILT,

WHICH FOCUSES MOSTLY ON SEX,

AND JEWISH GUILT,
WHICH DEALS MAINLY IN FOOD.

Woman: MARLENE, LITTLE RALPHIE
WON'T EAT VEGETABLES?

A BILLION CHINAMEN
ARE STARVING,

AND THIS
MESHUGGENEH
SAYS HE DOESN'T LIKE
ANYTHING GREEN!

Ralph: MY FATHER'S SIDE
OF THE FAMILY IS HUGE

BECAUSE HE HAD 5 SISTERS
WHO ALL HAD CHILDREN,

WHICH MADE FOR LOTS
OF COUSINS,

AND LOTS OF BIRTHDAYS,
AND HOLIDAYS, AND SUNDAYS.

GOOD OLD DAYS.

I USED TO BE LIKE THIS
TO THE UNDERBOSS
OF THE GAMBINO FAMILY.

HE'S THE GUY WHO MADE
BIG PAUL.

SHUT THE HELL UP, TOMMY!

YOU'RE ABOUT
AS CONNECTED AS A PHONE
WITH AN UNPAID BILL!

OH, YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU
ALWAYS HAVE BEEN A LIAR!

LITTLE RALPHIE, WOMEN
ARE THE DOWNFALL OF ALL
MEN IN THIS WORLD.

LITTLE RALPH, GET YOUR
HAND OUT OF YOUR TROUSERS!

WHAT, HE SHOULD BE DIFFERENT
FROM ALL THE OTHER MEN
IN THE FAMILY?

[KNOCKING]

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

YOU'RE THE ONE
WANTED TO DO THIS.

LET'S HURRY, BEFORE
SOMEONE CATCHES US.

OK, YOU FIRST.
NO, YOU.

♪ I MUST BE GETTING ON

♪ I'VE GOT TO GO CROSS-TOWN

♪ TOWARDS THE SEAGULL SOUND
AND THE FREIGHTERS ♪

♪ I MUST MEET THE ALLIGATOR

♪ SO, I SAID, ALL RIGHT, MAN

♪ WHATEVER YOU SAY

♪ AND I WAS ON MY WAY

"M&Ms MAKE FRIENDS,"
HUH?

TAGLINE OF THE CENTURY.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT WELL.

OK, ENOUGH ABOUT ME
FOR A WHILE.

UH-OH.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FIRST
SEXUAL EXPERIENCE.

WELL, OK.

I MET THIS GUY FRESHMAN
YEAR AT ORIENTATION.

AND, UM, WE TOOK THIS
HIKING CLASS TOGETHER.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
ONE-CREDIT DEALS,
YOU KNOW?

AND, UH, AND THE WHOLE
CLASS IS TAKING A HIKE
IN THE WOODS,

AND HE STARTED READING
ALOUD FROM
JONATHAN
LIVINGSTON SEAGULL.

IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT
BOOKS IN HISTORY.

IT WAS ROMANTIC.

ANYWAY, UM, SO WE ENDED
UP SHARING A TENT AND...

SO, WERE YOU GUYS
FRIENDS AFTERWARDS?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
WE WENT OUT FOR 3 YEARS.

WHOA.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS
WE JUST GREW IN
DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

BUT, UM, WE STILL TALK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU'RE JUST, LIKE,
FRIENDS?

LIKE, HEY, BUDDY?

WHAT, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS THAT ARE WOMEN?

NO, I DO. IT'S--

BUT I STILL
SLEEP WITH THEM.

WELL, WOULDN'T IT BE
NICE JUST TO HANG OUT
WITH A WOMAN

WITHOUT THE SPECTER
OF SEX HANGING OVER
YOUR HEADS ALL THE TIME?

IT IS NICE.

THE ADVOCATE,
HUH?
THAT'S A GREAT MAGAZINE.

YOU A DYKE?
UH...

A GAY WOMAN.

ARE YOU ONE?

'CAUSE YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
NOT A GAY MAN.

THAT'S TRUE.

NO, I'M A WRITER.

YOU WRITE
FOR THE ADVOCATE?

NO, I WRITE
FOR MYSELF.

THEN WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU KNOW

ABOUT A MAGAZINE
FOR GAY MEN AND WOMEN?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M IN ADVERTISING.

AND WE DEAL WITH A LOT
OF MAGAZINES.

OH, YOU'RE
AN IMAGE MAKER.

YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY CONSIDER
KILLING YOURSELF.

IF YOU'RE NICE,
I MIGHT PUT YOU
IN ONE OF MY ADS.

GREAT.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE A WRITER.

UH, SORT OF.

THINKING ABOUT
BECOMING ONE.

YOU A DYKE?

SORT OF.

I'M THINKING
ABOUT BECOMING ONE.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF SEXUAL
ORIENTATION AS A MAYBE,
KIND OF, SORT OF THING.

YEAH, WELL,
I'M DEFINITELY
CHANGING SOMETHING.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOMETHING
NORMAL, LIKE YOUR OVERALLS--

I THINK I'M GONNA
CHANGE MY NAME.

TO WHAT?

REX.

REX WHAT?
NO, JUST REX.

YEAH.

UH, WELL, I THINK MAYBE
YOU SHOULD START

WITH SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE LOW-KEY,
LIKE YOUR HAIRSTYLE.

ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT SHAVING IT OFF.

REX IT IS.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
STICK WITH REX.

YOU THINK SO?
YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TAKE
A WALK OR SOMETHING?

WITH YOU?

NO, JUST DID YOU
WANT TO GO WALKING...

[LAUGHS]
YEAH, WITH ME.

UH, I HAVEN'T FINISHED
MY COFFEE. SO...

WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT THING
ABOUT THE SOLO PLASTIC CUP.

YOU CAN JUST GO
OUTSIDE WITH IT.

ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS.

OK.
OK.

LET'S GO.

I WAS SERIOUS
ABOUT THE AD.

I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT
THIS GREAT DOWNTOWN-Y
MISANTHROPIC

KIND OF LOOK ABOUT YOU.

OOH, BIG WORD.
THANKS.

AH, FRESH OYSTERS.
HEY.

DO YOU LIKE OYSTERS?

NO, I DON'T REALLY
GET INTO PUTTING WET,

LIVING, SLURPY, SLIMY
THINGS IN MY MOUTH.

GUESS YOU DON'T
EAT PUSSY, THEN.

I COULD.

Rex, grunting: BAG IT.

COME ON...

NO, YOU COME ON,
BROTHER. BAG IT.

OK, OK.

WHAT DO YOU NEED,
A CRANE?

WELL...

I CAN ONLY COME
FROM GETTING HEAD,
ANYWAY, SO...

AND I'M HAVING
MY PERIOD.

WAIT, WAIT. AND YOU WANT
ME TO GO DOWN ON YOU?

YEAH, SO?

YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD.

MY GIRLFRIEND DOES IT
ALL THE TIME,
YOU LITTLE SISSY MARY.

[GROANS]

SOUNDS LIKE
A REAL BAD ASS.

I LIKE HER.

I COULD SET UP
A RENDEZVOUS.

MY PLACE?

YOU WISH.

HEY, IT WAS WORTH
A SHOT, YOU KNOW.

YOU ARE REALLY NOT...

NOT WELL.

YOU KEEP SAYING THAT.

WHAT'S NOT WELL
ABOUT ME?

MY LIFE ROCKS.

I GOT EVERYTHING I WANT.

I GOT A GREAT JOB.

I MAKE TONS OF MONEY.

I GET LAID EVERY NIGHT.

RALPH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET SO DEFENSIVE.

I WAS ONLY KIDDING.

WELL, I'M NOT
BEING DEFENSIVE.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE
ALWAYS JUDGING ME...

SAYING "YOU'RE
REALLY NOT WELL."

YOU KNOW,
EVERYTHING IS FINE.

LOOK AT ME.
LAST NIGHT,

I CONVERTED A LESBIAN
TO HETEROSEXUALITY.

MY LIFE IS SICK.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

I--

NO, IT'S--

FORGET IT.

I'M SORRY.

LET'S GO BACK TO WORK.

DID YOU, UH, GET THOSE
FIGURES ON THE--

UM...
WONDER CAMP THING?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M A SICK...

SICK BASTARD.

RALPH...

ARE YOU OK?

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT
COMFORTABLE TALKING TO ME,

THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD
THINK ABOUT TALKING TO
SOMEBODY ELSE.

WHAT, LIKE A SHRINK?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THAT CRAP.

[SIGHS]

[WHISPERING]
Oh, man.

WHAT WOULD A--

WHAT WOULD
A MAN'S MAN DO?

YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD
GARY COOPER DO?

THE COOP WOKE UP
IN THE MORNING,

HE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR,

HE KNEW EXACTLY
WHO HE WAS LOOKING
AT, YOU KNOW?

NONE OF THIS,
"WHERE AM I,

"WHAT AM I DOING?

I'M SO NOT SATISFIED
IN MY JOB" NINETIES
PSYCHOBABBLE.

[SIGHS]

HERE'S A GUY WHO WOKE UP
IN THE MORNING

AND SHAVED WITH ONE OF
THEM HORSEHAIR BRUSHES

AND A STRAIGHT-EDGE
RAZOR AND DIDN'T
EVEN FLINCH.

NONE OF THOSE TOILET
PAPER BLOOD CLOTS
ON HIS NECK

WHEN HE WENT OUT
TO GET THE BAD GUYS.

JUST A SURENESS
OF PURPOSE

THAT CAME FROM
KNOWING WHO HE WAS.

HOW DOES THAT
MAKE YOU...FEEL?

HA HA.

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

MR. GIGANT-EY.

WELL, IT'S GAGANTE,

BUT YOU CAN
CALL ME RALPH.

WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME COFFEE, RALPH?

I DON'T DRINK COFFEE.

DOESN'T DRINK COFFEE.

WHY ARE YOU
WRITING THAT DOWN?

I WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.

SMOKE?

NO. GIRLS DON'T LIKE IT.

UH, I DON'T SMOKE.

OH.

SO, WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU?

UH...WELL...

I LEAD A VERY PROMISCUOUS
SEXUAL LIFE,

AND A FRIEND OF MINE,

I WAS TELLING HER
HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS,

HOW I HAVE ALL THESE GREAT
CLOTHES AND A GREAT CAR

AND A GREAT LIFE.

AND WHILE I WAS
TELLING HER, I WAS...

DEPRESSED...

TO SAY THE LEAST.

SO SHE SAID MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GO TALK TO SOMEBODY.

SO HERE I AM,

SEEING IF MAYBE
YOU CAN HELP ME.

HOW OLD ARE YOU,
MR. GIGANT-EY?

27.

AND HOW MANY WOMEN
WOULD YOU ESTIMATE

YOU'VE HAD SEXUAL
RELATIONS WITH
IN YOUR LIFE?

UH...

I DON'T KNOW. HUNDREDS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE?

I HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME
WITH THESE WOMEN,

THESE WOMEN WHOSE NAMES
I DON'T KNOW.

AND WHAT I REALLY
WANT FROM LIFE

IS A--IS A WOMAN
WHO'S GONNA LOVE ME,

TO START A FAMILY,
TO HAVE KIDS.

AND I CAN'T SEE
THAT HAPPENING

LIVING THE WAY I AM.

WHY, ARE YOU
MISERABLE NOW?

YEAH, I'M MISERABLE.

YOU SUICIDAL?

UH, NO.

ARE YOU AWARE OF
A CLINICAL TERM
"SATYRIASIS?"

SOUNDS LIKE A SKIN DISEASE.

FORESKIN, MAYBE.

HEH.
WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?

DO YOU FEEL THAT THIS
SEXUAL COMPULSION
OF YOURS,

UM...

INTERFERES WITH
YOUR WORK LIFE?

I GET LAID AT NIGHT,

AND I TAKE
THE EXPERIENCE I HAD

AND I TRANSLATE IT INTO
SOME KIND OF ADVERTISEMENT.

AND, UH, I DON'T KNOW...

SEX SELLS.

IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU'VE LEARNED HOW TO...

SUBLIMATE.

WE CALL IT, UH,
SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING.

BUT YOU MEAN LIKE
FREUDIAN SLIPS OR--

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A FREUDIAN SLIP.

IT'S YOUR CAPACITY
TO SUBLIMATE

THAT HAS MADE YOU
SO SUCC-SEXUAL.

SUCCESSFUL?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

YOU'RE A SCARY MAN.

THIS SESSION HAS COME
TO A CONCLUSION,
MR. GIGANT-EY.

NO, NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I WOULD SUGGEST
THAT YOU GO OUTSIDE

AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH MY RECEPTIONIST

TO COME IN IN
A COUPLE OF DAYS

AND LIE ON THE COUCH.

Elizabeth:
DATING WITHIN
THE BUSINESS

IS DEFINITELY
A CAREER NO-NO.

THEY WON'T
TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

WELL, I KNOW THAT.

BUT HOW THE HELL ELSE
AM I GONNA MEET GUYS

WITH ANY KIND OF MONEY
IN THEIR POCKETS?

I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO USE MY VIBRATOR...

[LAUGHS]
MUCH LESS, YOU KNOW,
GO OUT TROLLING.

MMM.

HEY, LOOK,
THERE'S PETER.

YOU WANT TO ASK
HIM TO JOIN US?

[GIGGLING]
HEY, PETER!

[WHISPERING[
Would you stop that?

No!
WHAT?

THIS GUY HAS BEEN
ASKING ME OUT EVERY DAY
FOR THE PAST 7 MONTHS.

SO GO OUT WITH HIM.

HE SEEMS LIKE
A NICE ENOUGH GUY.

OH, PLEASE.

HE'S NOT SMARMY
ENOUGH FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT RALPHIE BOY?

EW.

OH, COME ON.
I THINK HE REALLY
LIKES YOU.

RALPH LIKES ALL WOMEN.

YEAH, SO YOU MIGHT BE
THE ONE TO CHANGE HIM.

MAYBE, BUT...

YOU KNOW HOW
I FEEL ABOUT--

GUYS AND WORK,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU TOLD ME A THOUSAND
TIMES ALREADY.

MY JOB IS IMPORTANT
TO ME, YOU KNOW?

I CAN DEPEND ON IT.

WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S--
THAT'S COOL, ELIZABETH.

BUT YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES...

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST--
YOU GOTTA TAKE A CHANCE.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

SPEAKING OF TAKING
CHANCES...

Ralph:
AND ONCE I'VE SLEPT
WITH A WOMAN,

I START TO NOTICE
ALL HER IMPERFECTIONS...

HER MOLES, HER FRECKLES,

THE LITTLE HAIR THAT
COMES OUT OF THE MOLES.

I MEAN, IT JUST BOTHERS ME.

A COMMON SYMPTOM
OF THE...

CASANOVA...

FALLING IN LOVE WITH
A FANTASY CREATURE

WHO IS FINALLY
EXPOSED AS HUMAN

AND THEREBY
LOSES HER APPEAL.

HE'S OBSESSED WITH
PHYSICAL PERFECTION.

YEAH, BUT I HOLD MYSELF
TO THE SAME STANDARDS,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I WORK OUT
ALL THE TIME.

I USE KIEHL'S
FACIAL EXFOLIATES,

AVEDA NATURAL
HAIR CARE PRODUCTS,

ELDERBERRY EYE GEL,

FACIAL MASKS.

I GET MANICURES,
I GET PEDICURES.

I EVEN GET MY BACK WAXED.

THAT MUST BE
VERY PAINFUL.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I'M ITALIAN AND JEWISH.

TWICE THE HAIR
AND THE GUILT.

SPEAKING OF...

HAIR AND GUILT...

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME
ABOUT YOUR PUBERTY?

MY WHAT?

YOU DID GO THROUGH
PUBERTY?

YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TELL ME ABOUT IT?

IT WAS A SCARY TIME.

I WAS VERY BUSY.

YOU THINK MAYBE
YOU AND I

COULD SIT AT LUNCH
TOGETHER ONE DAY?

SURE.

IT'D BE GREAT. I...

HI, CAMPERS.

MY NAME IS GILLIAN.

FOR THE NEXT 8 WEEKS,
I'M GONNA BE YOUR
COUNSELOR.

♪ FELT GOOD JUST TO BE ALIVE

DO YOU WANT
TO KISS ME, RALPH?

I MEAN, JUST FOR PRACTICE?

YES, PLEASE.

[GIGGLES]

♪ I SEE NO SOUND

♪ OH

♪ YOUR FACE IS LIKE
A PRECIOUS THING ♪
COME ON.

UH, WHY,
MR., UH, GIGANT-EY--

GAGANTE.

PLEASE DO NOT
INTERRUPT ME.

WHY, UH...

ARE YOU STROKING YOUR
PHALLUS WITH YOUR HAND?

I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST--
IT FEELS GOOD, YOU KNOW?

IT MAKES ME COMFORTABLE.

YES.

UH, THAT IS THE
SUPERFICIAL EXPLANATION.

ARE YOU AFRAID THAT
A WOMAN IS GOING
TO CASTRATE IT

AND TAKE IT AWAY?

ARE YOU AFRAID IT'S
GOING TO FALL OFF?

ARE YOU AFRAID
IT'S JUST GOING
TO VANISH ONE MORNING

WHEN YOU WAKE UP?

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST ACCEPT IT AS
A NATURAL APPENDAGE

LIKE YOUR FOOT?
UH, LISTEN, DR. HUBBINS.

CAN WE JUST TALK
ABOUT MY PROBLEM?

IT SOUNDS TO ME
AS IF YOU ARE LIVING...

AN ALMOST IDEAL
EXISTENCE.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE, UH...

ALL OF THE WOMEN,
AVAILABLE AND
UNAVAILABLE,

RESPONDING TO YOU.

YOU HAVE A JOB THAT
YOU ARE FULFILLED IN

AND WHERE YOU ARE ABLE
TO USE YOUR PERSONALITY
AND EXPRESS IT.

UH, WHAT MORE
COULD YOU WANT?

WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

WHY DO YOU HAVE
A COMPLAINT?

BECAUSE I'M LONELY.

OK, DR. HUBBINS?

[BELL CHIMING]

WELCOME TO
THE SEX ADDICTS
RECOVERY PROGRAM.

MY NAME IS JAMIE.

FOR THE NEW MEMBERS,

PLEASE AVOID ANY
SEXUAL EXPLICITNESS

OR, UH, SALACIOUS
ACCOUNTS OF EXPERIENCES

THAT MAY PROVE
STIMULATING TO OTHER
MEMBERS OF THE GROUP.

AND NOW, LET US
JOIN HANDS.

IT'S OK.
I WON'T BITE.

All: I AM POWERLESS OVER MY
COMPULSIVE SEXUAL BEHAVIOR.

I DESIRE TO BECOME
SEXUALLY HEALTHY.

I WILL CONQUER
MY SEXUAL ADDICTION.

[SIGHS]

NOW, WHO WOULD LIKE
TO SHARE FIRST?

HI, MY NAME IS JOHN.

AND I'M A JOHN.

I WOULD HAVE A DIFFERENT
PROSTITUTE EVERY DAY
FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS.

DIFFERENT ONE EVERY DAY.

I WOULD HAVE THEM GIVE
ME GOLDEN SHOWERS...

FUDGEY WUDGEY BARS...

PLEASE SIT DOWN, JOHN.

UM, DEBRA, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SHARE WITH US?

Debra: SURE.

HI, MY NAME IS DEBRA,

AND I'M ADDICTED TO SEX.

MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT
TO TALK TO STRANGERS,

SO I DIDN'T.

I HAD SEX WITH THEM.

ALL A MAN HAD TO DO WAS...

GIVE ME A SMILE
OR AN INTERESTED LOOK,

AND I WOULD TAKE HIM
BACK TO MY APARTMENT

AND HAVE SEX WITH HIM
IMMEDIATELY.

OF COURSE, I FELT SHAMEFUL
ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS,

SO TO EASE THE GUILT

I WOULD SEEK OUT ANOTHER
SEXUAL EXPERIENCE.

THERE WERE DAYS WHEN I WOULD
HAVE INTERCOURSE,

ORAL AND ANAL SEX,
WITH 5 OR 6 DIFFERENT GUYS.

AND THEN, WELL
THEN I'D MASTURBATE
MYSELF TO SLEEP.

I WANT TO FUCK YOU
SO HARD RIGHT NOW.

Jamie: JOHN,
PLEASE SIT DOWN.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

UH, NO.

NO. I'M SORRY.

UH...

GOOD LUCK.

DEBRA HAS DEVELOPED,

UH, WITH THE HELP
OF THE GROUP,

HER OWN PERSONAL
RECOVERY SEX PLAN.

UM, TELL US
ABOUT IT, DEBRA.

MY RECOVERY PLAN SAYS

I HAVE TO AT LEAST HAVE
A CUP OF COFFEE WITH SOMEONE,

PREFERABLY IN
A PUBLIC PLACE,

BEFORE I CAN HAVE
SEX WITH THEM.

HEY, HEY.

LISTEN...

I'M SORRY I LAUGHED IN THERE.

I'VE NEVER DONE
THIS BEFORE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

BUT I THINK YOU
SHOULD HAVE SHARED
WITH THE GROUP.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M A SEX ADDICT.

I MEAN, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO SAY?

"HI, MY NAME IS RALPH.

I THINK I MIGHT BE
A SEX ADDICT."

WELL, HOW DO YOU
THINK OTHER PEOPLE

START THEIR
HEALING PROCESS?

YOU HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT IT WITH PEOPLE
WHO UNDERSTAND.

LIKE YOU?

SURE.

DO YOU WANT TO GO
GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE?

WELL, LONG LIVE
WONDER CAMP.

LONG LIVE WONDER CAMP.

[GLASSES CLINK]

OK.

SO, UM...

I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT IT.

I'VE GOT A MEETING WITH
GALLANT THIS AFTERNOON,

SO I'LL SHOW HIM ALL
THE STUFF WE FINISHED UP.

HOPEFULLY, HE'LL BE PLEASED.

YOU WANT ME TO COME
TO THAT MEETING?

UM...NO.

THAT'S OK.
IT'S JUST NUMBERS.

BORING.
RIGHT.

RIGHT.

I GUESS THAT'S
ABOUT IT.

I GUESS SO.

ARE YOU
HEADING BACK?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHS]
LET'S GO.

Elizabeth: SO...

HOW'S THE THERAPY
THING GOING?

Ralph: YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

MY SHRINK SUGGESTED
GROUP THERAPY.

IT'S PRETTY COOL.

I DRINK TOO MUCH
COFFEE, THOUGH.

WHAT?

ANYWAY, YOU THINK
I'M BAD?

YOU SHOULD SEE SOME
OF THESE PEOPLE.

OH, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE BAD, RALPH.

JUST A LITTLE MISGUIDED.

OH.
[GIGGLES]

WATCH OUT.

WHAT?

YOU'RE WALKING
OVER A--A GRATE.

SO WHAT?

SO...

WHAT IF YOU FELL THROUGH?

WHAT ARE YOU,
MY MOTHER?

DON'T BRING
FREUD INTO THIS.

IT'S A GRATE.

IT'S MADE OF STEEL
AND CONCRETE.

LOOK.

[YELLING]
[LAUGHING]
STOP THAT!

HEH.
STOP IT!

IT'S NOT GONNA
BREAK.

WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?

THERE'S, LIKE,
3 MILLION OF
THESE THINGS

ALL OVER THE CITY.

IF I WORRIED
ABOUT EACH ONE,

I'D NEVER GET
ANYWHERE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL WHAT
ABOUT THOSE, UM...

SIDEWALK BASEMENT
DOOR THINGIES?

YOU KNOW? YOU JUST WALK
RIGHT OVER THOSE, TOO?

YUP. HEH.

YUP! WELL, THOSE
CAN
COLLAPSE.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU
EVER WORRY ABOUT
HURTING YOURSELF?

I TAKE MY CHANCES.

ALL RIGHT...

WHAT IF I WAS
WALKING WITH YOU

AND ONE OF THEM
BROKE OPEN?

I'D CATCH YOU.

BUT YOU'D BE
FALLING, TOO.

YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

YOU'RE SO...

PASSIONATE AND,
LIKE, INTELLIGENT--

AND BEAUTIFUL.

[SIGHS]

YOU'VE GOT SOME
LINE, GAGANTE.

IT'S NOT A LINE!

OH, COME ON!
I'M SERIOUS.

ADMIT IT. JUST-- JUST--
JUST A LITTLE BIT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
A LITTLE BIT OF A LINE.

YES.
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN

I DON'T MEAN IT.

SO YOU'RE SINCERE,
BUT WITH AN AGENDA.

YOU KNOW, I'M UP FOR
A LITTLE MORE OF THIS
EGO-DEFLATING BANTER.

LET'S PLAY HOOKY

AND TAKE THE REST
OF THE DAY OFF.

WHAT DID YOU
HAVE IN MIND?

LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON.

WHAT?

I'M--UM--

IT'S A MOVIE.

WITH GARY COOPER
AND AUDREY HEPBURN.

WHAT DID YOU THINK
I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

NEVER MIND.

[GIGGLES]
HEH.

UH...

UH, YOU WANT TO
CATCH A MATINEE?

YEAH.

YEAH, WHY NOT?

OK.
OK.

GOOD.
GOOD.

[DING]
[LAUGHTER]

HE WHO LOVES AND RUNS AWAY
LIVES TO LOVE ANOTHER DAY.

HEY, COOP GOT THAT RIGHT.

YEAH, BUT AUDREY
TAMED HIM.

WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE ABODE.

HUMBLE? IT'S HUGE.

I NEED MY SPACE, YOU KNOW?

OH, WELL, I'LL KEEP
THAT IN MIND.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT.

IS THAT YOURS?

YEAH.

UH, THAT WAS
MY BLACK PERIOD.

[CHORTLES]

IS THAT AMBER?

UH-HUH.

IT DOESN'T EVEN
LOOK LIKE HER.

WELL, IT'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO.

BUT WHY? SHE'S
A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

WHEN I WAS IN EUROPE,
I SAW TONS OF ADS WITH HER.

BUT THEY LOOKED
LIKE
HER,
YOU KNOW?

IMPERFECTIONS AND ALL.

LOOK, ELIZABETH,

NO WOMAN'S GONNA BUY
A BOTTLE OF PERFUME

IF THE WOMAN
IDENTIFIED WITH IT

HAS BEAUTY MARKS
ALL OVER HER CHEST.

BUT RALPH, THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL THEM BEAUTY MARKS,

BECAUSE THEY AUGMENT
THE REALITY,

THE BEAUTY OF THE PERSON,

THE INDIVIDUAL.

AND WHEN YOU DO
A PHOTO ESSAY

FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES
MAGAZINE SECTION

YOU CAN PUT BEAUTY MARKS
AND MOLES AND HAIRS
ALL OVER IT.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME...

LEAVE THE SELLING TO ME.

BUT WHAT YOU'RE SELLING
THERE IS EMPTY DREAMS.

LOOK, ELIZABETH, PEOPLE
WANT PERFECTION.

I WANT TO HAVE THAT
BOTTLE OF PERFUME

BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE
THAT PERFECT WOMAN.

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT
PERFECT WOMAN, RALPH.

SHE DOES NOT EXIST.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M
HANGING OUT WITH YOU.

[CHUCKLES]
OH, THANKS A LOT.

HEY, YOU'RE WELCOME.

I AM NOT GOING
TO BED WITH YOU.

[ELIZABETH LAUGHING]

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT!

CONDOM.

COME ON.

GET AN AIDS TEST,
AND THEN WE'LL TALK.

AW, IT'D BE SO NICE...

NOT TO USE ONE.

OK, THEN I'LL
HAVE BABIES,

AND YOU CAN MARRY ME,

AND WE CAN MOVE
TO THE SUBURBS.

OK, I THINK I HAVE A CONDOM

RIGHT HERE
IN MY WALLET.
[LAUGHS]

OH, FUCK!

[SIGHS]

I'M SORRY.

I, UH...

HEY...

IT'S OK.

COME HERE, GAGANTE.

MMM.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RINGS]

[BEEP]

[ON ANSWERING MACHINE]
HEY, KID. GALLANT.

GOOD NEWS!

YOUR TAKE ON
THE SAFE CASE SPOT,

THEY LOVE IT!

AND THE BROAD
IN THE PERFUME AD...

UH...AMBER!

YEAH, AMBER.
THEY WANT HER, KID.

SO TOMORROW, 8:00,
YOU AND HER,

[LAUGHING]
FACE TO FACE.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

[BEEP]

[SIGHS]

I GUESS SHE DOES
EXIST AFTER ALL.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

[SIGHS]

OK, JUST BE COOL.
BE COOL.

HEY, UH...

YOU'RE--
IT'S AMBER, RIGHT?

RIGHT. AMBER.

A-M-B-E-R?

RIGHT.

I DON'T, UH...

OK.

[SIGHS]

OH, BOY.

JUST BUSINESS.

JUST TAKE CARE
OF BUSINESS.

YOU'RE A BUSINESSMAN
DO YOUR BUSINESS.

RALPH?

AMBER.
RIGHT.

I HAVE WORSHIPPED
YOU FROM AFAR,

BUT UP UNTIL
THAT MOMENT,

UNTIL I MET YOU
JUST NOW,

I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW BEAUTIFUL--

ORDER ME A DRINK. I'M GONNA
HIT THE FUCKING BATHROOM.

OK.

YEAH.

[JAZZY HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

YEAH, THIS PLACE
IS REALLY SUPERFLY.

SORRY.

TOO BAD ALL THESE
MALE MODELS

ONLY DIG EACH OTHER,
YOU KNOW? HEH HEH HEH.

WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU
THAT BULLSHIT?

♪ I LIKE THE WAY SHE DANCES

♪ SHE MAKIN' ME HOT

♪ SHE GOT THAT LOOK
ON HER FACE ♪

♪ REAL SERIOUS

♪ BUT DELIRIOUS
AT THE SAME TIME ♪

♪ THAT WAISTLINE KEEPIN' UP
HER BACK SIDE ♪

♪ MOVING THAT ASS AT A SLOW
GRIND AGAINST ME ♪

♪ AND I CAN FEEL THE HEAT
ON MY THIGH ♪

♪ AS I GRIND A LITTLE CLOSER

♪ STARIN' DEEP IN HER EYE

♪ THEN I START TO GO DOWN
HEY!

♪ AND I'M LOOKIN' AT
THE PROMISED LAND ♪

♪ I KNOW WHY SHE'S WINKIN'

♪ SHE KNOW WHAT I'M THINKIN'

♪ I WANNA LICK HER LIKE
I'M EATIN' A PEACH ♪

HELLO?
♪ WITH THE JUICE DRIPPIN'
DOWN TO MY CHIN ♪

♪ WITH MY FINGERS IN

♪ I'LL KISS IT WHERE
SOME BROTHERS WON'T EVEN ♪

♪ NO, YOU'RE NOT DREAMIN'

♪ TO ME, IT TASTES LIKE

♪ CANDY

♪ YEAH, BABY, I'M-A LICK YOU
ALL NIGHT LONG ♪

HEH HEH HEH.

YOU'RE LOOKIN'
REALLY PHAT.

DOPE.

UM...COULD I
GET A...

SCREAMING...

BLOODY ORGASM?

WHAT?

IT'S A DRINK.

♪ YEAH, WHAT

♪ COME ON

♪ ALEXANDER AND
I'M ON TO MY GAME ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ UH-HUH

♪ D.J. YUGO ON THE WHEELS AND

THANKS.

♪ CANDY

♪ WHAT? COME ON, BABY

♪ I'M-A LICK YOU
ALL NIGHT LONG ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH

♪ I'M GONNA SUCK YOU

♪ TILL ALL THE FLAVOR'S GONE

RALPHIE POO!

MONICA!

HEY!

HOW YOU DOING?

QUESTION IS
WHO
YOU'RE DOING.

AND TONIGHT IT'S ME,
STUD BOY.

OK!

[NEW SONG BEGINS]

YEAH.

OH!

OH.

♪ GIVIN' IT UP

♪ GIVIN' IT UP

♪ I'M GIVIN' IT UP

♪ GIVIN' IT UP

♪ I'M GIVIN' IT UP

♪ GIVIN' IT ALL UP

♪ GIVIN' IT ALL UP

SO, MONICA, DARLING,
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?

IT'S ALL GOOD.

♪ GIVIN' IT UP
I'M GIVIN' IT UP ♪

♪ GIVIN' IT ALL UP

♪ GIVIN' IT ALL UP FOR YOU

♪ GIVIN' IT UP

♪ I'M GIVIN' IT UP

♪ GIVIN' IT UP

KEEP THE CHANGE.

♪ GIVIN' IT UP

♪ I'M GIVIN' IT UP

♪ I'M GIVIN' IT
GIVIN' IT ALL UP FOR YOU ♪

HEH. I'M TAKING YOU
OUT OF HERE.

OH.

[SNIFFS]

WHERE'S MY DRINK?

ONE KETEL ONE MARTINI.

[SNIFFS]

YOU NEED A VACUUM
FOR THAT?

HEH.

WE'LL MAKE A HIPSTER
OUT OF YOU YET, GAGANTE.

[VIOLIN MUSIC ON TELEVISION]

OH, THIS IS
LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON
WITH GARY COOPER.

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE
THE GYPSIES COME ON.

THEY, UH--

THEY'RE ALWAYS COMING IN
WITH THESE VIOLINS,

AND DOING THIS WEIRD THING.

[CLICKS STATION]

THEY'RE SHOWING
PRADA NEXT.

OH.

THAT'S KIND OF LIKE
THAT AD I DID FOR THAT
FUCKED UP PERFUME.

WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
UM..."SCENT."

YOU, UH, YOU WROTE
THAT ONE, RIGHT?

YEAH, I WON AN AWARD--

UH, CAN--COULD YOU
EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND?

MMM.

MIND IF I SCOPE THE
REST OF YOUR CRIB?

UH, NO, YEAH. I MEAN,
LET ME JUST CLEAN UP
FOR A SEC.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

DON'T YOU HAVE A MAID?

UH, YEAH. SHE'S IN
BUCATINI FOR THE WEEK.

WHAT ARE YOU SO
EMBARRASSED ABOUT?

UH, NOTHING,
I'M A MESSY GUY.

YOU DON'T WANNA
LOOK IN THERE.

OH, RALPH. HOLY SHIT.

YOU HAVE MY PICTURE
HANGING ON YOUR WALL.

YEAH.

THAT'S SO...

FLATTERING.

MMM.

I JUST WANT TO
FUCKING RAPE YOU.

MMM.
WHOA!

[MOANS]

[MOANING]

[MOANS]

[GIGGLES]

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

I THINK I'M IN LOVE
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

[GIGGLES]

LET'S NOT RUIN THE MOMENT
WORRYING ABOUT THAT.

[MOANS]

MMM.

[MOANING]

HERE I AM,

INSIDE THE HOTTEST
SUPERMODEL AROUND,

WHO I'VE WAITED
MY WHOLE LIFE FOR.

I MEAN...

MY IDEAL WOMAN.

AND SHE'S RIDING ME
LIKE A HOBBY HORSE.

I MEAN, UP AND DOWN,

UP AND DOWN...

UP AND DOWN.

AND ALL I CAN THINK
ABOUT IS ELIZABETH.

DOES ANYONE HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY
TO RALPH?

JOHN.

YOU ARE THE GREATEST MAN
IN THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

SIT DOWN, JOHN.

UM...

ANYONE HAVE
ANYTHING HELPFUL
TO TELL RALPH?

YES, I DO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
CONSIDER CELIBACY.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

CELIBACY!

WE NEED THIS MAN.

HE'S THE MAESTRO.

JOHN...

DEBRA, WOULD YOU
CARE TO ELABORATE
ON THAT?

TOTAL ABSTINENCE.

THAT'S WHAT CELIBACY IS.

NO KISSING, NO TOUCHING,

NO PORNOGRAPHY,

NO MASTURBATION,

NOTHING.

NO ACTING OUT.

NO SEX OF ANY KIND.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HEY.

HEY. HEH.

UM...

MMM.

LOOK, I GOTTA TELL
YOU SOMETHING.

OK.

UH, THE OTHER NIGHT
WAS REALLY GREAT.

AND I THINK...

WELL, I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING HERE.

I FEEL THE SAME WAY,
AND, UM--

WELL...

SO I THINK WE SHOULD BE
HONEST WITH EACH OTHER.

WELL, YEAH. SO DO I.

SO...

I SLEPT WITH AMBER.

[ECHOING]
YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I KNEW YOU'D
NEVER CHANGE.

FUCK OFF.

[HEAD RATTLES]

FORGET ABOUT IT.
IT'S REALLY NOT
THAT BIG A DEAL.

NO, TELL ME,
BECAUSE THEN
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT

AND WONDER, SO...

ALL RIGHT. OK.

WORKING AND CREATING
HERE, KIDDIES, OR WHAT?

YEAH.

YOU ARE A REDWOOD,
RALPH GAGANTE.

I AM SO SORE
I CAN BARELY WALK.

HELLO, I'M AMBER.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

OK, HOOVER-BABE,
YOU'VE GOT
A FACE-TO-FACE

IN 5 MINUTES
WITH THE C.E.O.
OF THE UNIVERSE.

CIAO, BELLO.

"FOR MY COOP."

AT MEETINGS, I GET A LOT
OF THINGS I NEED.

SEVERAL FORMS OF LOVE,
A LOT OF HEALTHY HUGS,

AND A SAFE PLACE
TO BREAK ALL SECRETS.

I JUST CAME HERE
TO PICK UP CHICKS.

IS THAT BAD?

I'VE DECIDED
THAT DEBRA'S RIGHT.

THE ONLY CHANCE FOR ME
TO HAVE THE LIFE
THAT I WANT,

TO BE TRUE TO THE WOMAN
I LOVE IS...

TO BECOME CELIBATE
FOR A WHILE.

GOOD FOR YOU.

WHY NOT CREATE
A REGULAR

RECOVERY PROGRAM
LIKE DEBRA'S?

I MEAN,
SOMETHING LIKE

YOU CAN'T HAVE
SEX WITH SOMEONE

UNTIL YOU
AT LEAST KNOW
THEIR NAME?

NO. I'VE MADE
MY DECISION.

♪ I WAS TAKEN BY THE HAND

♪ AND LED THROUGH THE GARDEN
OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ AND EVERYONE'S STILL THERE

♪ EVEN THOUGH THEY CANNOT SHARE
ALL THEIR TIME ♪

♪ OH, NO, IT CAN'T BE SO

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

ELIZABETH BRENNER.

HEY, CLAIRE, WHAT'S UP?

CAN YOU HOLD FOR A SEC,
CLAIRE? THANKS.

♪ OH, NO, WE DIDN'T KNOW

♪ WE ALL WERE MESSING
WITH THE SCARY SKULL ♪

HI. WHAT'S GOING ON?

♪ I WAS TAKEN BY THE HAND

♪ AND LED THROUGH THE GARDEN
OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ SITTING ON THE DECK
AROUND 10:00 ♪

♪ KEEPING IT DOWN,
DON'T WANT TO WAKE YOUR MOM UP ♪

♪ BY CIGARETTE FLICKER,
PUT THE MARLEY ON ♪

♪ HOW WE GONNA DEAL
WHEN THE SUN IS GONE? ♪

♪ MESS AROUND WITH A RIFLE,
US RICH KIDS GOT A LOT ♪

♪ OF QUESTIONS

♪ OH, NO, IT CAN'T BE SO

♪ I TOTALED YOUR VAN
ON RIVER ROAD ♪

♪ OH, NO, WE DIDN'T KNOW

♪ WE ALL WERE MESSING
WITH THE SCARY SKULL ♪

♪ OH, NO, IT CAN'T BE SO

♪ WE DODGED THE PAST
THE WHOLE WAY HOME ♪

♪ OH, NO, WE DIDN'T KNOW

♪ WE ALL WERE MESSING
WITH THE SCARY SKULL ♪

♪ DA DA LA LA LA

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

Ralph: THANKS.

NICE PLACE.

YEAH, TAVERN ON THE GREEN
WAS BOOKED, SO...

THIS IS--THIS IS FINE.

HERE YOU GO.
OH, THANKS.

SO, WHAT'S UP?

I'VE BECOME CELIBATE.

[LAUGHS]

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I'M GIVING UP SEX.

OK, WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME THIS?

BECAUSE I'M DOING IT
TO SHOW YOU THAT I CAN
MAKE A CHANGE.

THAT I CAN CONTROL
MYSELF AND MY URGES.

THAT I CAN MAKE
A SACRIFICE FOR YOU.

RALPH, I DON'T TO BE
SOMEONE THAT YOU FEEL

YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE
WHO YOU ARE FOR.

THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.

I HOPE THERE'S A LITTLE
MORE TO ME THAN JUST SEX.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY?

I DON'T KNOW. I THOUGHT
YOU'D BE A LITTLE MORE
SUPPORTIVE THAN THIS.

I'M DOING IT FOR YOU.

BECAUSE, UH...

I LOVE YOU.

RALPH, DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?

I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW IF I KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.

BUT I KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE TO WORK SO HARD
FOR IT, YOU KNOW?

IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING
YOU JUST...FEEL.

IT IS. LOOK,
LOVE TAKES WORK.

ONCE I PROVE TO YOU
THAT I CAN RESIST
OTHER WOMEN,

YOU'LL SEE THAT
I CAN BE FAITHFUL.

LOOK, RALPH, YOU'RE
MISSING THE POINT.

I MEAN, SO, YOU DON'T
HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE

FOR--FOR A WEEK,
A MONTH, A YEAR.

BUT I'LL KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE ALWAYS THINKING.

WE'LL BOTH KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE ALWAYS THINKING.

I MEAN, DO YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA HOW THAT
MAKES ME FEEL?

I CAN'T--

I WON'T LIVE LIKE THAT.

ONCE I GO THROUGH THIS,
YOU WON'T HAVE TO.

BUT IT WOULD MAKE IT
A WHOLE LOT EASIER
IF I HAD YOU WITH ME.

RALPH, LOOK,
I CARE ABOUT YOU.

AND, GOD, YOU HAVE GOT
SO MUCH GOING FOR YOU.

BUT I THINK THIS IS
SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE
TO DO FOR YOURSELF.

AND BY YOURSELF.

GAGANTE. I USED TO SAY
GIGANTE SOMETIMES.

HE CORRECTED ME ON THAT
VERY QUICKLY.

NICE ITALIAN BOY.

OH, HERE HE IS.
HERE HE IS.

GOOD MORNING.

OUR BUSINESS, GENTLEMEN
AND LADIES,

IS THE INTERPRETATION
OF DREAMS.

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE
IS THE 30-SECOND SPOT
OF OUR DREAMS.

AND YOUR COMPETITOR'S
NIGHTMARES.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Woman: THE SAFE CASE
FROM SPARTAN.

WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR A LONG TIME.

WE WANT YOU TO BE DOING IT
FOR A LONG TIME, TOO.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Man: THIS HAS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO

WITH THE WORK YOU SHOWED
US TO WIN OUR BUSINESS.

I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

SORRY, RALPH.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
TO THE HALF-NAKED
PRE-TEENS?

THE MTV AVANT-GARDE
MONTAGE-Y CRAP?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING
ON HERE?

WE'RE STEPPING ON OUR
OWN DICKS HERE, PEOPLE.

KID, MY OFFICE.
FACE TO FACE.

JESUS CHRIST,
FUCKING SWANS.

I LIKED THE SWANS.

SIT!

MAJOR FUCK-UP
IN THERE, KID.

MAJOR FUCK-UP.

I'M SORRY.

I'M TRYING TO CURE
AN ADDICTION TO SEX,

AND I'VE BEEN CELIBATE
FOR 28 DAYS, 17 HOURS,
32 MINUTES, 45 SECONDS.

CELIBATE?

ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR FUCKING MIND?

YOUR SEX DRIVE
IS THE MAIN REASON

YOU SHOT TO THE TOP
OF THE CORPORATE LADDER.

I KNOW, BUT I'M TRYING
TO CHANGE THAT.

LISTEN, KID.

SEX SELLS. YOU ARE
SEX PERSONIFIED.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

BUT UNLESS YOU START
USING THAT AGAIN,

YOU ARE
NADA
TO ME,
CREATIVELY.

WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST
GROWING IS ALL.

NO MORE GAMES.

OH, JESUS CHRIST,
IT'S ALL GAMES, KID.

ANYBODY WHO TRIES
TO TELL YOU DIFFERENT
IS FULL OF HORSESHIT.

WOMEN--WOMEN PLAY A GAME
ALL THE TIME.

IT'S CALLED SQUASH.

THEY WILL SQUASH
WHATEVER IT IS THAT
GIVES YOU STRENGTH.

IN YOUR CASE, IT HAPPENS
TO BE YOUR FUCKING SCHLONG.

THEY KNOW THAT.
WITHOUT THAT,
YOU'RE NOTHING.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, JONATHAN,

BUT FOR A SECOND,

IMAGINE A WORLD
WITH ADS THAT DON'T
HAVE A NIPPLE SHOT,

THAT ARE ARTFUL
AND INNOVATIVE,

THAT DON'T CATER
TO PEOPLE'S LIBIDOS.

CAN YOU SEE THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

DO YOU THINK WHAT WE
DO HERE IS SELLING OUT.
IS THAT IT?

A LITTLE.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, KID!

THIS HAPPENS
TO BE REAL LIFE!

SEX, MONEY, AND POWER.

THAT'S ALL THAT COUNTS
IN THE WORLD.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'RE THE BEST
I EVER HAD, KID.

BUT, PENDING A MAJOR CHANGE
IN YOUR SEX LIFE--

AND I MEAN A MAJOR CHANGE--

YOU ARE HEREBY...

ON EXTENDED LEAVE.

WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

NO CHICKS, NO CHECKS.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Kevin: ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT,

SO I GOT BABY ON THE DRYER,
RIGHT, AND I'M WORKING IT.

DOING MY BEST WORK.
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
SHE STARTS SCREAMING,

"PUT IN A QUARTER.
PUT IN A QUARTER."

AND I'M THINKING,
I AIN'T GOT NO CHANGE.

I MEAN, I GOT A TOKEN--
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, KEVIN,

COULD YOU DO ME
A FAVOR?

COULD WE NOT
TALK ABOUT SEX
TONIGHT?

WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD ON. HE DIDN'T
HAVE ANY CHANGE.

NO CHANGE, BUT I'M
STILL WORKING HER.
IT'S NOT GONNA STOP ME.

NO, NO, NO.

I'M SERIOUS.

FOR ONE NIGHT,
WE CAN JUST NOT
TALK ABOUT SEX

OR RELATIONSHIPS
OR WOMEN AT ALL?

YEAH, SURE.

YEAH, WE CAN TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING.

WE CAN TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING ELSE.

WE CAN...HIT THIS DOOBIE.

RIGHT?
YES!

YES!
GIVE ME SOME
OF THAT.

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I NEED WOMEN

WHEN I GOT
CHUNKY STICKY
MONKEY.

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
COSMO
HAD A REALLY
INTERESTING ARTICLE

ABOUT THAT. THEY HAD,
LIKE, 5 GUYS WHO HAD
GIVEN UP SEX--

WHOA! WHOA! OK.

PETER, WHAT'S THE DEAL
WITH YOU AND THESE
WOMEN MAGAZINES?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

I MEAN, IT'S JUST--I
MEAN, THEY'RE GOOD,
YOU KNOW?

Y-YOU CAN OCCASIONALLY
GLEAN A GOOD TIP
ON--ON WOMEN FROM THEM.

THEY'RE GOOD.

DO THEY WORK?

UH...NO.

BUT, UH, WELL, OK,
LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE,

I HAD THAT DATE
WITH CLAIRE
THE OTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

AND, UH, AND THINGS
GOT A LITTLE HAIRY.

I MEAN, PUN INTENDED.

SHAVE HER.
I BET SHE'D DIG IT.

NO, NO. THAT ACTUALLY
WASN'T THE PROBLEM.

IT WAS THAT, WELL,
LIKE, SHE WANTED ME
TO GO DOWN ON HER.

AND THIS WAS
A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

NO. NO, NO, NO.
IT WAS JUST THAT
I'M NOT SURE IF, UH,

IF WHAT I DID WORKED.

WORKED?

WELL, NO, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.

I MEAN, I--I--I DON'T
KNOW IF I HAVE A
TECHNIQUE, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S KIND
OF A MESS DOWN THERE.

SERIOUSLY.
OH, SURE.

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING, REALLY.

OH, YOU'VE NEVER
DONE IT BEFORE?

NO, IT'S JUST THAT
I--I'VE DONE IT

LOTS OF TIMES,
JUST NOT WITH...

A WOMAN.
NO.

OK, FUCK YOU. OK?
ALL RIGHT, NOW I'M
TRYING TO TALK--

I'M SORRY,
MR. SENSITIVE.

AND YOU'RE BEING
AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT...

I'M SORRY.
AND I DON'T WANT
YOUR ADVICE.

OK. OK!

ASK RALPH, HE'S
THE RESIDENT EXPERT.

YEAH.
NO, I'M SORRY.
NOT ANYMORE.

OH, COME ON.
SERIOUSLY, HELP ME OUT.

NO, LOOK, GUYS,
YOU KNOW,
TO EACH HIS OWN.

YOU HAVE YOUR
LITTLE THING,

WHICH I'M
SURE IS
PRETTY STRANGE,

AND YOU GOT
YOURS.

LET'S JUST KEEP
IT THAT WAY.

Claire: I FINALLY
WENT OUT WITH PETER.

Elizabeth:
YEAH? HOW DID IT GO?

HMM. I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO?

WELL...I GAVE HIM HEAD.

OH, CUT TO THE CHASE,
WHY DON'T YOU, CLAIRE?

THAT'S THE BEST PART,
BABE.

YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT? YOU ACT LIKE IT'S
A TRAGEDY OR SOMETHING.

NO, BUT HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT ABOUT MAYBE

ESTABLISHING JUST A LITTLE
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY?

HEY, MAYBE GET
TO KNOW THE GUY.

I DID.
IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE.

CLAIRE...

WHAT? I LIKE DOING IT.
I HAPPEN TO BE
VERY GOOD AT IT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU KNOW HOW PETER'S
ALWAYS QUOTING

VOGUE
AND
BAZAAR
AND ALL THOSE
MAGAZINES?

I SAW THIS BACK ISSUE
IN HIS BATHROOM,

AND IT'S FOLDED BACK
TO THIS ARTICLE CALLED,

"HEAD GAMES:
SHOW HIM HOW TO DO IT,
AND YOU BOTH WIN."

I FELT REALLY BAD
FOR HIM

ESPECIALLY SINCE HE HAS
ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERIENCE
WITH WOMEN.

BETTER NO EXPERIENCE
THAN THE ENTIRE
METROPOLITAN AREA.

AND WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

RALPH.

OH, YOU'VE GOT
THAT BOY ON THE BRAIN,
GIRLFRIEND.

YEAH.

OH. SO, YOU LIKE HIM?

PRETTY STUPID, HUH?

WHY? BECAUSE OF THE
WHOLE THING WITH WOMEN?

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING. ALL MEN HAVE
THAT THING WITH WOMEN.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M SORRY. I JUST...

I DON'T BUY THAT.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
ABOUT HIM.

HE'S OBVIOUSLY
ON YOUR MIND.

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T TAKE THIS
ANY MORE, MAN.

I'VE BEEN CELIBATE
FOR I DON'T KNOW
HOW LONG.

YOU NEED TO GET LAID.
LIKE, A LOT.

HE'S RIGHT. GET THIS
OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
AS MUCH SEX IN AS SHORT
A PERIOD OF TIME

AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

IT'D BE TOUGH FOR YOU TO
BREAK YOUR OWN RECORD.

BUT I THINK
YOU SHOULD TRY.

YOU GOTTA GET OUT
OF THIS CELIBATE MODE.

FIND YOURSELF
A WILLING HONEY

TO RELEASE
ALL THIS STRESS INTO.

OR ONTO.
AS THE CASE MAY BE.

NO, I--I CAN'T EVEN
LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN.

YOU'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT ELIZABETH, HUH?

WHY DO YOU SPEAK?
WHAT DID I SAY?

NO, IT'S OK.
PETER'S RIGHT.

I THINK
ABOUT ELIZABETH
ALL THE TIME.

THEN CALL HER, MAN.
I'M SURE SHE'LL
TAKE YOU BACK.

SHE WOULDN'T
TAKE ME BACK.

SHE HATES ME.
SHE HATES MY WORK.

SHE THINKS I'M
A SUPERFICIAL,
MISOGYNISTIC,

CHAUVINISTIC,
PHILANDERING PIG.

YOU ARE.

YOU WERE.

THANKS.

IT HAS, LIKE, UM, THIS BIG
ROMANTIC ENDING, RIGHT?

AND THERE'S THIS PART
WHERE--

WHERE GARY COOPER
PULLS AUDREY HEPBURN
ONTO THE TRAIN.

AND, UH, AND I LOOK
OVER AT RALPH, AND, UH,

AND HE'S, LIKE, CRYING.
YOU KNOW?

AND HE WASN'T EVEN TRYING
TO HIDE IT, YOU KNOW?
HE JUST...

OH, GOD.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIM
AT WONDER CAMP, YOU KNOW?

HE JUST--HE'S JUST GOT
THIS WAY WITH KIDS, RIGHT.

THERE'S THIS LITTLE GIRL,
THIS ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL,

AND HE GOT RIGHT DOWN
ON HIS KNEES,

AND, UH, SHE HAD
BROKEN HER DOLL.

AND HE MADE HER
THIS NEW DOLL...

AND, UM, AND THE WAY--

THE WAY HE OPENS
DOORS FOR ME.

YOU KNOW? IT JUST--IT
MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD.

AND, UM...

SHH.

HE'S TRYING SO HARD
TO CHANGE FOR YOU,
ELIZABETH.

WELL, HE HAD...

HAS SUCH A...

NATURAL AFFECTION
FOR WOMEN.

WELL, THAT'S
EXACTLY IT, RIGHT?

THAT IS EXACTLY THE BEST
AND THE WORST THING
ABOUT HIM.

WELL, HONEY, YOU COULD
GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT
OF THE DOUBT.

WELL, I TRIED.

BUT?

BUT I NEVER FELT LIKE
I COULD TRUST HIM.
YOU KNOW?

WELL...

THEY SAY CREAM
RISES TO THE TOP.

HE MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

SOME MEN CAN
ACTUALLY CHANGE
FOR THE RIGHT WOMAN.

CLAIRE, YOU CAN'T CHANGE
SOMEONE THAT MUCH.

BESIDES, I MEAN, WHY WOULD
HE WANT TO CHANGE

WHEN THE WHOLE WORLD
IS TELLING HIM THAT
THE WAY HE IS

IS EXACTLY THE WAY TO BE?

♪ BABY

♪ WHAT YOU BEEN DOIN'?

♪ MAYBE TRYIN' TO RUN MY LIFE

♪ RUNNIN' AROUND
ASKIN' QUESTIONS ♪

♪ IS IT WORTH THE PRICE?

♪ YEAH, MAYBE

♪ WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I'M THINKIN' ♪

♪ DON'T WORRY

♪ I SEE IT IN YOUR SMILE

♪ YOUR SWEET WORDS WON'T
FOOL ME ANY LONGER ♪

♪ ALTHOUGH THEY DID
FOR A WHILE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT FAITH

♪ AND IT'S ABOUT TRUST

♪ AND IT'S ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
THAT YOU DREAM OF ♪

♪ AND IT'S ABOUT LOVE

♪ AND IT'S ABOUT TIME

♪ AND IT'S ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
YOU HIDE INSIDE YOUR MIND ♪

[FRENCH ACCENT]
I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER
FOR 10 YEARS.

AND THIS, UH,
THIS, UH,
ENFANT

TRIES TO TELL ME
HOW TO DO MY WORK.

AND THEN, ELLE,

MAY I CALL YOU ELLE?

THE BOOKING AGENT
TAKES HER ASIDE
AND SHOWS HER MY WORK

IN VOGUE, APPEAL, COSMO.

ANDRE, CAN YOU, UM,

WAIT RIGHT HERE
FOR A SECOND?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
CERTAINLY, ELLE.

I WILL BE ANXIOUSLY
AWAITING YOUR RETURN.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

[NEW YORK ACCENT]
YEAH, I'LL TAKE A BUD.

PETER, HI.
ELIZABETH.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?
NOTHING.

HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD. GOOD.

HEY, UH, CAN I MEET YOU
AT THE RESTAURANT?

YEAH, SURE.
OK. GREAT.

HEY, CAN YOU GET ME
AN ICE WATER?

ONE OF THE TALL GLASSES,
NOT THE SMALL ONES.

WELL, YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, RALPH
TOTALLY SET ME UP.

HE TALKED GALLANT INTO
GIVING ME HIS OLD JOB.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH.

YEAH, HOW ABOUT YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

ACTUALLY, I'M WORKING
AT A SMALLER BOUTIQUE
AGENCY

RIGHT BY THE OFFICE.
IT'S, UH...

GIVES ME A LITTLE
MORE FREEDOM. YOU KNOW?
SO, UM...

HOW IS RALPH? IS HE...

GOOD. GOOD. YEAH?

YEAH, HE'S GOOD.

GOOD. GOOD.
YEAH.

WHAT'S HE UP TO?

HE IS UP TO SOME
OF HIS OWN STUFF.

WORKING ON HIS OWN.

OK.
YEAH.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I SHOULD
PROBABLY GET GOING.

YEAH, ME, TOO.
OK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD, UM,

YOU SHOULD TAKE
A LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S SOME OF RALPH'S
NEW WORK.

I THINK YOU'LL GET
A KICK OUT OF IT.

OK.

TAKE CARE, PETER.
TAKE CARE.

BYE.

YES!

OH, GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

WHY DO I WANT EVERY SINGLE ONE
OF THESE WOMEN?!

KID...

IT'S A SNATCH-22.

YOU LOVE WOMEN,

AND THEY HATE YOU FOR IT.

HONEY, IF YOU WERE A WOMAN,
YOU'D BE CALLED A NYMPHOMANIAC.

AW, YEAH.

I THINK IT HAS TO DO WITH DOWN
INSIDE EVERY WOMAN THERE IS,

LIKE, THIS PSYCHOLOGICAL
BASEMENT AREA.

EVERY MAN WANTS
THE PERFECT WOMAN.

IT'S LIKE A BOX, AND INSIDE
OF IT ARE A COUPLE OF THINGS

THAT WE WANT,
LIKE A BIKE OR A MITT.

MEN ARE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING BETTER.

WE'RE TRYING TO GET DOWN
INTO THE BASEMENT.

WHO'S DOWN THERE?
WHY IS IT SO DARK AND COLD?

IT'S HUMAN NATURE.

GUYS JUST WANT
TO SPREAD THEIR SEED.

WOMEN STILL REMEMBER
THE FIRST KISS

AFTER MEN HAVE
FORGOTTEN THE LAST.

IT'S ALL ABOUT PROPAGATING
THE SPECIES.

IF YOU WEREN'T OUT
BALLIN' SO MUCH,

THE HUMAN RACE AS WE KNOW IT
WOULD BE FINISHED.

EVERY WOMAN HAS SOMETHING
DIFFERENT TO OFFER.

SHORT WOMEN, TALL WOMEN,
FAT WOMEN, DUMB WOMEN,

BRIGHT WOMEN, QUICK WOMEN,
SLUGGISH WOMEN.

THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT.
THEY'RE ALL SPECIAL.

THEY'RE ALL UNIQUE.

THEY ALL INSPIRE.

Grandma:
LISTEN, RALPHIE,

YOU WILL ALWAYS
BE ATTRACTED
TO MANY WOMEN.

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND
ONE WOMAN WHO YOU LOVE.

AND TO BETRAY HER
WOULD DESTROY YOU.

RESPECT.
MENSCHKEIT!

FALLING IN LOVE.
THAT'S THE ANSWER?

IT ALWAYS WAS,
AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE.

THINK ABOUT IT. OH!

GOOD-BYE, RALPHIE.

THANKS, GRANDMA.

"AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHEN CREAM...

THROUGH THE SCREEN
GIVES PEACHES A WINK."

WHAT? HOW?

A CAT NAMED PEACHES
AND A DOG NAMED CREAM

GET LOST IN THE CITY
TRYING TO FIND EACH OTHER.

OH, MY GOD.

RALPH, A CHILDREN'S BOOK.

IT IS INCREDIBLE.

BUT, I JUST--

I DON'T GET THE ENDING.

WHY DOESN'T CREAM JUST

BREAK THROUGH THE SCREEN

AND GO GET PEACHES?

I WASN'T SURE IF YOU...

I MEAN, CREAM WASN'T
SURE IF PEACHES

WOULD HAVE HIM.

DOG THAT HE IS.

YOU, RALPH, ARE
THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE.

AND YOU ARE
DEFINITELY A PEACH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN
A PRETTY LONG TIME

SINCE I, UH...

THE NEXT ONE SHOULD
BE A DOOZIE, THEN, HUH?

I THINK SO.

SO, UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
PLAY HOOKY. TAKE THE REST
OF THE DAY OFF.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU
HAVE IN MIND?

MAYBE A LITTLE LOVE
IN THE AFTERNOON.

WAIT, THE MOVIE OR...

OH.
HEY.

OW!

♪ BABY

♪ DRIVING ME CRAZY

♪ WITH ALL THOSE THINGS YOU DO

♪ AND I KNOW

♪ YOU WANT MY LOVIN'

♪ BY THE WAY THAT YOU
WALK THAT WALK ♪

♪ AND THE WAY THAT YOU
TALK THAT TALK ♪

♪ BABY

♪ YOUR MOVES AMAZE ME

♪ SAY WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER
AND SHAKE IT FOR ME, HONEY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW

♪ YOU WANT MY LOVIN'

♪ BY THE WAY THAT YOUR EYES
MOVE TO THE FLOOR
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU ♪

♪ BABY, WON'T YOU BE MINE?

♪ IF I COULD HAVE YOU ONE TIME

♪ YOU KNOW I'M THE ONE FOR YOU

♪ I'LL NEVER STOP YOU
FROM BEING YOU ♪

♪ I'LL LET YOU DO
YOUR OWN THING ♪

♪ BABY

♪ YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY

♪ AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU

♪ I'LL NEVER, EVER DOUBT YOU

♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW

♪ YOU WANT MY LOVIN'

♪ NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE WAY

♪ I CAN MAKE YOUR BODY SHIVER

♪ BABY

♪ YOUR EYES AMAZE ME

♪ I SWEAR I CAN SEE YOUR
SOUL EVERY TIME WE MAKE LOVE
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW

♪ YOU WANT MY LOVIN'

♪ BY THE WAY THAT YOU HOLD ME

♪ YOU KNOW MY LOVE IS TRUE

♪ BABY, WON'T YOU BE MINE?

♪ IF I COULD HAVE YOU ONE TIME

♪ YOU KNOW I'M THE ONE FOR YOU

♪ I'LL NEVER STOP YOU
FROM BEING YOU ♪

♪ I'LL LET YOU DO
YOUR OWN THING ♪

♪ BABY, WON'T YOU BE MINE?

♪ IF I COULD HAVE YOU ONE TIME

♪ YOU KNOW I'M THE ONE FOR YOU

♪ I'LL NEVER STOP YOU
FROM BEING YOU ♪

♪ I'LL LET YOU DO
YOUR OWN THING ♪

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