Gitarrmongot (2004) - full transcript

English subtitles by Alan Rees
Words AB, Malmö

5... 4... 3... 2...

...1...0...now!

The sunlight glitters on the water

CHORAL SINGING
AT SKANSEN

There's a wooden house over in Söder

The king's castle down in the town

The fish dance in sparkling currents

They waltz in Mälaren Lake

It shimmers and so we are singing

The name of the city we love



All together now!

Stockholm is in my heart...

In the jungle The mighty jungle

The lion sleeps tonight

A... wimoweh... a... wimoweh...

THE GUITAR MONGOLOID

This is the last time.

This is the last time!

This is the last time...

This is the last time!

This is the last time...

This is the last time.

This is the last time!

Hell, there are marks here!



Bloody hell, it's a little scratch!

- Have you got a scratch?
- Yes, on the paintwork.

Bloody typical!

I hope it can't be seen.

- A new one should shine.
- True...

- Where's the scratch?
- It's small. Can you see it?

It can't be more than two millimetres
but it's irritating.

I had one under the saddle.

Just thinking about it drives you mad.

- I need to be more drunk.
- No...

- It's a simple trick.
- You must hate that bottle.

This is what you do. Check it out!

Come on then! Go ahead and do it!
You wouldn't dare...

- You just hit as hard as you can.
- Are you getting old or something?

That's a bloody moronic thing to do.

- Show me what to do.
- I'll show you.

That bloody hurt.

- I'm bleeding.
- Why?

I don't know why. Somewhere.
Come on.

Ow... ow... ow...

That was quite something.
You have to give it all you've got.

Otherwise that's it...

You have to hate it.

Your forehead is bigger.

- It would be better to hit like that.
- No, no eyes and stuff.

- Look what I found!
- A fire extinguisher...

Let's see if it works.

Come on! Come over here!

Let's lift the whole thing.

Let's throw the bloody bike in.

Your club was too high!

- Get stuck in!
- Come on!

- It's our ball.
- Get stuck in!

- Our ball!
- Well done...

Sieg heil!!

What's up with you, Allan?
Come on!

Keep in time, Allan!

- You can't keep time.
- Turn it off.

- Why aren't you with it? Come on!
- I started out of sync.

Up you get! Come on!

- Come on!
- Let's have a game instead.

Come on, up you get!
What's up with you?

Turn it off.

- Come on.
- I'd rather play a game.

It's so boring. Come on!

It's so meaningless.
We could all play a game.

- We can do that later.
- We've got all day.

It's great when everyone says sieg heil!!

- We can do that later.
- All three of us want to play now.

Don't you want to join in now, Jesper?

- Just a few more times...
- Please, Jesper.

- Just one more then.
- That's good.

Come on, Allan! Let's go.

One last time.

Come on, Affe!

Come on!

Come on, Affe!

No, you come here!

Okay, best of three!

Here we sit like crazies and smoke!

Here we sit...

...like crazies and smoke!

And the girls like it when we smoke!

And the girls like it when we smoke!

Here we sit like crazies and smoke!

Here we sit like crazies and smoke!

Smoke! Yeah! Yeah!

And the girls like it when we smoke!

And the girls like it when we smoke!

More! More! Yeah! Yeah!

A high pass must be
the equivalent of a grade four.

There's "with distinction" too.

A high pass can't be a grade four.

- What's a distinction?
- Top marks.

Is that a grade five... or six?

- A grade six doesn't exist.
- No, but I'm being hypothetical.

If you were to compare
it might be like 5.5.

- What do you reckon?
- Possibly. Possibly. Come here!

- I'm ill.
- It doesn't matter.

- I'll infect you.
- No you won't.

- You don't look very ill.
- My throat is the problem.

- Your throat?
- Yes. Feel that.

My lymph glands are as big as apples.

You'll be the same tomorrow.

They'll be like bunches of grapes,
all lumpy. You'll lie here being ill.

That's not such a bad idea.
We can lie here being ill together.

Who will look after us?

My mother usually looks after me.

Can we phone your mum then?

- No...
- We can't, eh...?

You stand there.

He must stand on your shoulders
with someone on his.

I'll stand there.

You need to hang on tight.

The one on top needs two free
hands. You'll have to hang on to him.

You can hold on like this.

One... two... three...

Stand like this.

- Come on!
- Get stuck in!

Don't forget the bike.

- I'll get ready.
- Wait.

You can stand on my shoulders.
Support my feet.

- This isn't going to work.
- Drop it.

This will get us higher.

- Let's have another go.
- That was clever!

Make sure he doesn't fall.

- Is that okay?
- Yes... but...

- Is that okay?
- Yes, but you need to...

Try to get it up too.

One, two, three...

Can't you do it?

That's it!

Take it easy.

- Just a moment.
- I'll get it out of the way.

That was amazing!

- What's on the note?
- My bike has been stolen.

When I got to Styrsö Bratten
on Monday evening it was gone.

Lasse in the kiosk rang Kent Carlund
and he fetched me on his moped.

Kent Carlund thinks I'm careless,
but I know I locked it.

If you find a red bike,
please ride it to my place.

I don't have a phone,
so just ride it to my place.

Take tram 11 to Saltholmen
as far as the terminus.

Then you take the boat to Styrsö Bratten.

Beyond the shop you'll see
a red cottage with white...

What's all this...?

- Thank you.
- It's a plectrum.

So long.

Are you getting off?

Shut up, man! Fuck ass!

Motherfucker!

No!

No, you come here! Come here!

One nil.

No... hell!

No! Hell!

Hell!

- Not my hair!
- What?

"Not my hair!"?

- Wait a moment!
- What for?

Give me my guitar so you don't break it.

You wouldn't dare!

There you are...

- Does it look real?
- Yes.

Wiggle your bum a bit.

- Put your legs together.
- Like that?

Can you manage breasts?

The cunt was better.

I can make better breasts than you.

Can you do this though?

Can you make your belly into a cunt?

No, you have to press
from the sides and pull up.

There you are! That's good.

It's a bullshit-cunt. Mine's normal.

Yours is bullshit too.
Look how big it is.

No! Look at yours!

- Do you know what it is?
- A navel?

No, it's a better cunt than yours.
You could get a head into it.

Okay...

Look how fat you've got!

How fat you've got!

Okay, now put it in first gear.

Accelerate... drive around a bit!

Turn some more!

That's fine!

Then straight over there.

- Shall I turn?
- Turn here.

Put it in second gear!

That's fine!

Put it in third gear now!

Straight ahead! Down there!

Drive towards me!

And don't look so pleased with yourself!

He doesn't know what he's doing.
He's drunk.

- Just take it easy.
- He knocked my bike over!

- I can see that.
- Quit yakking!

- It's no big deal.
- Quit yakking!

He doesn't know what he's doing.

- Get out of here!
- Can't I even look at the bike?

Let go of him! Take it easy!

Trying to run off, eh?!

He's not going anywhere.
Let him go.

- Don't move a muscle!
- Let's resolve this.

- You can't prove a thing.
- Shut up!

- How do you know it was me?
- Shut up!

- There's nothing wrong with it.
- Get lost!!

- Get out of here!
- There's nothing wrong with it.

- We should at least check it.
- It might be all right.

- Maybe there's nothing wrong.
- It's a matter of principle!

- You don't kick a bike!
- I know, but let's resolve this.

Scram! Get lost!

- Hell... hell...
- Let's discuss this.

To hell with that!

- Leave the bloody bike alone!!!
- There's nothing wrong with it.

Leave the bike alone!
What the hell are you doing?!

- Leave it alone!
- It's all right.

It's a matter of principle!
Scram! Get lost!

- Go away!
- There's nothing wrong with it.

I know...

- Just look at it.
- Get lost!

- Don't shove me!
- Scram!

Take it easy! Calm down!

Stop it! Stop it!

Don't remove it! Leave it!

Put it up there!

Not here! There!

There's one over there as well.

- Can I borrow your fishing-rod?
- If you behave.

You're just acting like thieves.

Don't interrupt. We're having
an important conversation.

Can I borrow that?

Silence is golden. Never forget it.

I bought this in Canada.

- Did you buy it in Canada?
- He's out of it.

He'll be back.

- Don't put it in the sun!
- I'll open another.

Put it in the shade.

- I'll put it...
- I won't touch it.

- Just put it in the shade.
- Leave my stuff alone!

Do you want me to leave the bag alone?

If you wish.

Of course we can leave the bag alone.

Do you remember all that screwing...?

It's bits of Joel's puzzle.

- Joel's puzzle...
- People screwing and that...

Do you remember all that screwing?
Do you remember all that groaning?

- Has anyone seen my balloon?
- No.

I feel dizzy! It's not good
to sniff too much helium.

- You were gone.
- I inhaled.

There was no room for oxygen.

- Watch your step!
- Sure.

- Do you want a fight?
- Sure.

- Why?
- You're ugly.

- That's nice.
- My pleasure.

Watch your step.
Things are getting weird.

Blow it up.

- Weird...
- Bloody weird indeed...

- It's how you breathe...
- I've never felt so drunk.

- Are you high?
- Higher.

"Can cause suffocation."
Now you know!

I want to fly so high!

Bloody hell!

Have a beer.

Weird...

Motherfucker, motherfucker

Kicking your asshole Kicking your asshole

Look, frankly...

Hold the weapon in both hands
with your thumbs in line.

Hold it straight.
Line up the white dot.

Squeeze the trigger
and just let the recoil happen.

Have a go.
Don't keep changing your grip.

Choose one grip and stick to it.

You're really shaking...

- Does it hurt?
- No, not particularly.

It doesn't feel
as if you're painting at all.

- It doesn't?
- No.

- Does it feel good?
- It's okay.

You'll love it. It's really cool.

Finished...

- Bloody hell!
- He's smoking.

- He looks like a devil. Is he?
- No.

- Okay.
- There's an ocean down there.

- An ocean?
- Yes.

That's okay.

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning up.

I'm cleaning up... paint.

Why have you got that hat
or bag on your head?

Hold your hand in front of your mouth.

Not too hard.
I'm going to brush this paint away.

You get a lot of dust
and it's not good to breathe it in.

There's lead in it... lead dust.

- I can't cover my mouth all the time.
- You can stop now.

Close your mouth.

Don't use your hand, just close your mouth.

Can you get the plectrum?

No, I don't want to. It's over there.

- Please get it.
- No, you get it.

- Okay.
- You're lazy!

I have to knit really quickly!

No...

Hell!

Fucker!

Next stop: Järntorget.

- Look at this.
- You can wiggle your nose.

- I know.
- Cool.

- Can you do that?
- Maybe.

You can't.

This part must be tense.

Down... up.

Down...

That's not becoming at all! Imagine
if you really looked like that...

Would you not have got together with me?

- No.
- Wouldn't you?

You wouldn't want me like that!

- Sure. You look much prettier.
- You liar!

- If I'd come to school like this...
- Well?

You'd have fallen in love
with Chinese Sara instead.

- I would not!
- Sure you would.

Now you look like a mongoloid.

If I were this way,
wouldn't you be together with me?

You look mentally handicapped.

Suppose I suddenly became that way?

- Don't say things like that.
- Why not? Accidents happen.

It depends whether I'd have
been able to see your cock first.

- You'd have been allowed to.
- In that case, okay.

That's good.

Bloody bike! Bloody bike!

Fuck the bike! Fuck the bike!

Kill it!

Give me the guitar.

Give me the guitar.
You promised not to sit here.

- So... what are you doing here?
- I don't know.

- So give me the guitar.
- What are you doing?

Pack up then!

Your mother can fetch it later.

Bloody old bag!

Bloody idiot!

No, I won't do it.

Okay.

You haven't done it, Bjarne.

Ten... nine... eight... seven...

- Stop it!
- Six... five... four...

...three...two...one...

- Great!
- Brilliant! That felt good eh?

It didn't feel good, no.

You took your bloody time!

- I bet you haven't done it.
- Sure. I trust David.

So do you. Otherwise
you wouldn't have done it.

- Trust that madman? No.
- Me neither.

Don't you trust him? Then why do it?

Don't you trust me?

- It was fun.
- It looked like fun.

- He doesn't trust you.
- Why do it if you don't trust me?

Bjarne says he's done it
and I'm not scared.

Sure you're scared.
You're just stupid.

How is it done?

There. It's easy
once you make friends with a gun.

Show us that you trust us.

Like hell I will!

Do you think I'd...

- Do you trust me or not?
- Don't point it at us!

Let's give you a chance.
Do you trust me?

- I've done it once.
- Do you trust me?

You're not stupid enough to load it.
Maybe you think I'm scared.

We know you're scared.

Don't point it, pull the trigger!

- Point it at your leg.
- Pull the trigger!

You idiot! How can you trust us?
We've been drinking all evening!

- Are you nuts?
- He was sober when I did it.

I won't drink with you again! You're
crazy! I'll put it away. Cheers!

Let's see if Bjarne will do it.
He knows you wouldn't load it.

I'll have to do it again now. You're
up to something. It's for real.

- Point it at your head and pull!
- Do you trust yourself?

I'll have to do it.
I'll do it again.

Damn it!
You're not funny any more!

Put the damn thing away!

- Don't you trust yourself?
- No! This isn't about me.

- So I'm supposed to trust you...
- There's going to be an accident.

Did you load it?

- Did you load it?
- Give the damn thing to me!

Don't be such a wanker.

Give it to me! I'm not joking now!
This has gone too far.

- We've drunk too much.
- We've had nothing to drink!

- Give it to me!
- Calm down.

- Give it to me!
- Trust us. Come on, chicken.

You couldn't tell
a mushroom from a machine-gun!

- Well then...
- Give it to me!

- What a disaster...
- It was loaded!

- I told you to give it to me! Lunatic!
- What if I'd aimed at myself?

That's why I told you to give
it to me! We'll put it away, lads.

Who's scared now, eh?

I was that close to pulling the trigger!

Hey yo fucker mother locker.

Hey yo!

When is the bloody bus going to come?

The bus is coming.

I know what I'll do!

May I have that apple?

Someone has stolen my bike.

When I got to Styrsö Bratten
on Monday, it was gone.

Lasse in the kiosk rang Kent Carlund.
He gave me a lift on his moped.

Kent Carlund thinks I'm careless,
but I know I locked my bike.

Lasse says if I'm lucky, someone
will find it and I'll get it back.

Let's hope so.

If you find a red bike in the ditch,
tell me.

Styrsö is where I live,
behind the shop in a red cottage.

- Be sure to tell me.
- I shall.

That's kind of you.

Håkan and I were out last night.
We had a lot of fun.

- Here's a present for you.
- No thanks.

- It's just a cake. Take it.
- No thanks. I don't want it.

Could you sit somewhere else?
You're all over us.

- She's pawing you.
- What do you think you're doing?!

Stop poking me!
We don't want to talk to you!

- Hanna...
- That's enough! Stop it!

You'd better sit elsewhere.
Come on.

- What's her game?
- Damned if I know.

- What did she do to you?
- I don't know.

See if there's anything vile on me.

Not as far as I can see.
Everything's fine.

- We can fix it later.
- She started poking me.

She was slobbering all over me.

It's going too far when they touch you.

- It makes me feel sick.
- Is it much further?

Just two stops.

When I was married-

-my former wife was three years
younger than me.

My first girlfriend was five years
younger than me.

I have a child by her back
in Helsinki in Finland.

- So you only go for younger girls?
- Usually.

I didn't want to go to bed with
(deleted) whom I met last summer.

I thought she was really old, though
she's only three years older than me.

I'm much younger... like a young boy.

It felt almost disgusting:

Screwing an old crone.

She was 55 and I was only 52 or so.

It didn't really work out.

What was that 16-year-old's reaction?

I don't know.

Maybe she was looking for a father-figure.

She liked being with me.

It's over now though.
The age difference was too great.

She was a minor. There are limits.

In the end you have to be honest
with yourself, eh?

It sounds like a terrible thing to say-

-but compared with a girl my age-

-there's a huge difference
in her breasts and her bum.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter.

When you're 17
you don't appreciate things like that.

- You've no perspective...
- You see things differently now.

Such a relationship is quite different now.

We have no friends in common, for example.

None at all. There are no dinners
with relatives or couples.

Your mum doesn't even know I exist.

You can't get involved
in a relationship in that way.

It's too emotional.
You have to accept it for what it is.

Isn't that so? We were
talking about it the other day.

Do you want this in your hair?

Ooh-la-la...

Oh-la-la...

Keep pedalling!

Pedal away!

Your light! Your light!

- I'm going really fast.
- Both his lights work.

What are you doing?

Not here!
Take it over the other side!

The light's better.

The other side!
The light's better there!

Chuck the light too!
Chuck the light too! Come on!

Cool!

I can play better than you. How
long have you played the guitar?

I don't really know.

Am I good?

I don't know.

Just listen to me. You'll be jealous.

- Do you know this one?
- No.

I'll teach you.
You start with a third...

Whoops!!

Be careful!!

For the last time:
if you're going to drop guitars-

-and break things, you can't come here.

- Be more careful.
- No.

Yes. Mind what you say
or you'll get thumped. Okay?

Promise? That's fine.

I have a guitar at home.

I have a guitar of my own at home.

I have a guitar.

I have a guitar at home, so don't
worry. I'm a good guitarist.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle

The lion sleeps tonight

A-wimoweh...

A-wimoweh...

Arriba!! Arriba!!

Can you help me with this bike?

I need to get this bike free.

It can't be done. Can't you see that?

- Someone did this to my bike.
- You can't lift it over.

You'd have to cut the whole post down.

Bloody gangsters did this!

If you help me, I'll take this side.

- You'd have to cut through the post.
- I want my bike back!

Bloody gangsters!

- Come on!
- I don't know what we can do...

Bloody gangsters!
It's driving me crazy!

Hell!

- We'd better be going.
- Come on!

You take that side, I'll take this.

It can't be done.

Bloody bike! Hell!

You'll have your work cut out...

Bloody gangsters!

Yes... yes... wait a moment.

I don't know. It's some bloody...

I don't know. I came back to find it
driving around. Move your car!

Hell!

- Is it your car?
- Yes.

I came back to find it driving around.
What am I to do?

- What did you say?
- It's driving around by itself!

Don't go too close!

Look out!

Get on the inside. It's slower there.
Try the doors.

- Here it comes!
- Watch out!

There's smoke coming out of it!

I can't get inside it!

Watch out!

You've got to stop it!

Hell! It hit the barrier!

Hell!

Move the car, damn it!

Hell!

Stop it!

It's this one, isn't it?

- This is the one, isn't it?
- Yes. I'd like cheap wine in a box.

- Did you have anything in mind?
- Not really. It's for me.

- There's Castillo de Gredos.
- What's that?

- It's Spanish.
- Red?

149 Kronor... I'll take one.

Here you are.

- Did you say 149 Kronor?
- That's right.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

Motherfucker... motherfucker!

Kicking your asshole!
Kicking your asshole!

Next stop: a recording contract!

I've thought of a new song.

How does it go?

Quack quack...?

You're crazy, Erik!
How did you say it went?

Can you...?

Can you...

Can you play it again?

- What's that?
- It's going to pass overhead.

- Is it some kind of balloon?
- A hot air balloon? It can't be.

- Is it some kind of advertisement?
- Strange... they look like bin-liners.

- No, I don't think so.
- They look like bin-liners.

- I think it's a weather balloon.
- Really?

The weather bureau launch them.

- Some go the wrong way.
- It doesn't look like one.

There's a weather station at the airport.

They launch balloons twice daily.

A weather balloon is round!

That looks like it's made of bin-liners.

- What was it?
- A drifting weather balloon.