Getting Lucky (1990) - full transcript

What.

What?

Ugh.

Oh.

Oh, greetings from Tromaville.

And welcome to the lovingly
recruited digitally... uh,

who gives a fuck?

This is a DVD about a movie.

Troma mov... "Getting
Lucky." "Getting Lucky."

It's a Troma DVD.

Nobody's going to... you're never
going to get in any stores.



Nobody... economically
blacklisted.

I'm depressed.

I've never gotten lucky.

You know, it's going to
be directed by somebody.

Getting lucky.

Get lucky.

You know that,
Michael Tilson Thomas.

I don't know.

Paul Michael Thomas.

Fuck, l ain't got no luck.

And l never had any...
Paul Michael Thomas.

Paul Gerard Thomas.

What the fuck?

That's what the Troma movie is
probably... this guy probably



did some other movies,
like what do you call,

"Body Parts" or "Witchcraft,"
or something with Julie Strain,

that kind of thing.

I'Il tell you...

I don't give a fuck.

And you're going to
have a commentary track.

You know that.

This was a movie
probably made... it was

probably on USA Up All Night.

I'm depressed.

I am fucking depressed.

I ain't never had no
luck about anything.

Help.

- Help.
- What?

Help.

Hey.

There's a little man in here.

There's a little man in my beer.

What?

I'm a leprechaun.

Oh, you're a leprechaun?

Ah.

I have to grant
someone three wishes.

I get granted one wish?

Three wishes.

Well, l wish... oh.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that... l'm sorry.

I didn't swallow you, though.

You're OK.

I don't swallow.

You know that.

These lips have never
swallowed, no matter

how many times l've given...
used my lips like a woman.

All right, leprechaun.

OK.

Fuck.

I want to wish.

I wish... l want to get lucky.

I want to get lucky.

You fucking little
shit leprechaun.

That is not... that's
not getting lucky.

It's awful.

I don't want this shit.

Goddammit.

You know what l want.

You know what l want.

I'm not Jesus Christ.

I'm a leprechaun.

Give me another wish.

You give me another
fucking little shit wish.

All right.

I'Il take another wish.

I want to get lucky.

OK.

Leprechaun, you
really... even though you

got all them sores on
you leprechaun ass,

you're pretty cool.

Wow.

I'm getting lucky.

I'm going to get lucky.

I'm so lucky.

Get ready to watch the
lovingly recreated, digitally

remastered director cut
DVD of "Getting Lucky."

Let's watch.

You're coming home
with me later, baby.

You're hot.

I hope no one sees this because
people don't know l'm a homo.

Hey, you're not wearing green
and it's St. Patrick's Day.

Sorry, l forgot.

Bye, Mom.

Bill?

What's all that trash
piled up on your bike?

I'm recycling.

You're going to get pinched.

At the rate l'm
going, l'Il have

enough money saved
up for college

by the time l'm 990 years old.

Maybe by then l'Il be eligible
for the Methuselah Scholarship.

Dude, l saw an afterschool
job on the bulletin board

in the gym.

Really?

Go on, move in close.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Shove it in there.

I said shove it in there.

Dude, check out the new foreign
exchange student from France.

Is that the stuff wet
dreams are made of, or what?

You know who l really like?

Krissi Shackler.

I've had a crush on her ever
since the seventh grade.

All right, you muscle heads.

Let's hit the shower.

We don't want to blow our
wad before the big game.

Hey, Krissi.

I heard you finally broke
up with Brian McCulloch.

Boy, word sure
gets around fast.

We just broke up after
fifth period today.

Well, how about you and me
getting together sometime?

Sure.

When?

Behind the gym in five minutes.

No, don't tell me.

Tony wants you to meet
him behind the gym.

How did you know?

I should know.

I have been behind the gym with
Tony Chanuka quite many times.

You're not the only one.

Yeah.

We've been getting to know the
back of the gym pretty well.

Mm-hmm.

Don't do it, Krissi.

Tony just use you and
he throw you away.

Yeah, like a paper cup.

But he's such a hunk.

Hey, here's that
thermos l thought

I lost a couple of weeks ago.

Tony, if you'd clean out
your locker once in a while,

you'd probably be very amazed
at what you'd find in there,

you know?

Oh, man.

The milk's still in it.

Oh, put a lid on
that thing, Chanuka.

Yeah, they got laws
against gas warfare.

OK, listen up, you guys.

This is Bill Higgins, the
new Buckskins towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.
Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Go easy on him,
you knuckleheads.

I'm getting tired of having
to get a new one every week.

Hey, towel boy.

Why don't you come here and
pick this towel up, man?

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Ow.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

No, no, no, no.

Use your teeth.

I think my hand would
be much more effective.

Ooh.

Yeah?

Well, l bet l got
something your hand

would be pretty effective on.

Towel boy.
Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Hey, towel boy.

Get down here and
clean up this mess.

Tony, man.

Where are you going?

The fun is just getting started.

Hey, Jeff.

When the female elk is
rutting, the male elk

must head the call.

Hey, you saw that National
Geographic special too, huh?

Hey.

I was just on the verge
of starting to get mad.

What's there to get mad about?

I mean, the sun is shining.

The birds are singing.

You and me are here together.

The only thing that
could be any better

is if you and me
were naked right now.

I thought you were
going to stand me up.

Hey, it would take a real
dodo brain to stand up

a babe as hot-looking as you.

Oh, Tony.

You know how to say
just the right things.

Scrub, scrub, scrub,
scrub, scrub, scrub.

Tony, wait.

What?

There's something you
should know about me.

What?

Have you got herpes
or something?

No.

I'm a virgin.

Yeah, sure.

No.

That's what they all say.

But l am.

Really.

You mean to tell me
that whole time you

went out with Brian McCulloch,
he never boned you once?

No, he tried lots of
times, but l never let him.

Well, why'd you break up?

Because l found out he
went out and boned Patricia

Abernathy behind my back.

Creep.

Hey, l know a perfect
way to get back at him.

How?

Do it with me.

Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub.

Tony.

What?

Did you bring a condom?

Yeah.

I wasn't a boy scout for
three years for nothing.

You're like a
sweet Georgia peach.

Tony.

You feel so firm.

Wait, Tony.

I changed my mind.

Come on.

You know you want it.

Tony.

Scrub, scrub, scrub.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

Towel boy.

It's going to be
like a wave crashing

down over your entire body.

Tony.

Don't.

The most awesome wave you
ever felt in your entire life.

Hey, towel boy.

I'm going to kill you for this.

It was an accident.

I swear.

My uniform's ruined.

Hey, dude.

How's the new job?

I quit.

Dude.

How are you ever going to cough
up the bread for med school?

I'Il find something.

Dude, l thought you were
hanging up the recycling thing.

It makes me sick
when l see how people

throw trash around like this.

Think of all the trees we
cut down to make this junk.

In 50 years, all the rainforests
are going to be gone.

And that's where most of
our oxygen comes from.

Yeah.

What are we going
to breathe then?

Styrofoam?

Dude, l'd really like to help
you out with the oxygen supply.

But if l'm not home
in time for dinner,

my mom's going to kill me.

Later.

Yeah, later.

Hi, honey.

Can you wash this
for me for tonight's game?

God, this smells terrible.

What have you been doing?

Some stupid nerd threw
puke water on me and Tony.

This is Tony, by the way.

- Oh, hi, Tony.
- Hi.

It's a pleasure to meet
you, Mrs. Shackler.

Aren't you on the
basketball team?

He's the team captain, Mom.

That's a very lovely hairstyle
you have there, Mrs. Shackler.

Thank you.

I have some
homework to do, Mom.

Uh, have a nice
day, Mrs. Shackler.

Yeah.

You, too.

I thought we were supposed
to be studying biology.

The best way to learn something
is with hands-on experience.

Tony, my mom's home.

OK.

We'Il keep the moaning
and groaning to a minimum.

Why do you have to be so crude?

Because girls like it that way.

Don't you?

Just like animals
do in the woods.

Tony, did you bring a condom?

I already got it on.

What's going on in here?

Oh, Mrs. Shackler.

Hey, am l glad you're here.

Um, Krissi fainted and
I was trying to give

her artificial respiration.

We were just about
to study, Mom.

Oh, yeah.

I bet you were.

Uh, that's a very
lovely hairstyle

you have there, Mrs. Shackler.

Young man, l want you out
of his house right now.

And l don't ever want to catch
you with my daughter again.

Help.

No, please.

Don't throw me away.

I'm only 1,257
and 1/2 years old.

I'm too young to die.

Hello.

Oh, hey, baby.

Hi, Tony.

Sorry about what my
mom did this afternoon.

Oh, look.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, why don't you meet me
under the bleachers tonight

after the game?

Tony, l
don't want it to be like that.

I want you to take me on
a real date, you know?

I mean, not under
the bleachers where

stale popcorn and gum wrappers
are sticking to my rear end.

Like, take me to a
movie and bring me

candy and flowers or something.

How am l supposed
to do all that?

Your mom won't even let me
get within 10 feet of you.

I know.

What are we going to do?

Lepkey Graniola
Chavcheski's the name,

but you can call me
Lepkey for short.

How'd you end up in
a beer bottle, Lepkey?

It's my punishment
for being a drunk lad.

There's no such thing as a Betty
Ford clinic for leprechauns.

I have to grant
someone three wishes

before the spirits
of the goblins

will let me out of here.

Three wishes, huh?

Hey, l'Il volunteer for that.

On one condition, lad.

That you don't
show me to anyone.

The last thing a recovery
alcoholic leprechaun needs

is a bunch of noisy scientists
picking around his innards.

Or worse, be made to
appear on "Geraldo."

OK, Lepkey.

It's a deal.

I promise, l won't
show you to anyone.

Hey, look, Krissi.

I got an idea.

It's brilliant.

You know that new towel boy,
the squirrelly little twerp

who threw water on us today?

Here's what you do.

Go ahead, lad.

Make a wish.

Gosh.

This is better than
winning the lottery.

Really?

OK.

I wish that every
country on earth

would throw away their
bombs and their guns

and... and start working together
to end hunger and... and start

cleaning up the environment.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold your horses, lad.

I'm not Jesus Christ.

I'm a leprechaun.

And a mighty rusty one at that.

But you said l could
wish for anything.

I know.

I know.

Couldn't you start
off with something

a little less ambitious?

You know, maybe a new
pair of cuff links.

An ant farm.

Something.

I know.

Oh, Lepkey.

I wish for a date
with Krissi Shackler.

Oh, now that sort of
thing is more up me alley.

All right, here we go.

Exeter, flexeter,
fee, fi, fo flacker.

Give a date with the
lass, Krissi Shackler.

Oh, l wish it could just
be that easy, Lepkey.

Bill.

Telephone.

Oh, who is it, Tim?

No.

It's a girl.

Hello?

Krissi Shackler?

Well, yeah, l know who you are.

I just didn't think
you knew who l was.

Really?

You mean you and me?

Tonight?

Yeah, hold on.

Dad.

Can l borrow the car tonight?

I don't know, son.

You know how the roads
aren't very safe after dark.

Come on, Dad.

Please.

Oh, let him take
the car, Leonard.

All right.
OK.

Go ahead.

Take the car.

Yeah.

OK, right after the game.

I'Il pick you up, Krissi.

OK, bye.

Number 31 has the ball.

He's dribbling.
He's dribbling.

That
boy's a natural born dribbler.

It
looks like we have a timeout.

There seems to be some sort
of obstruction down the court.

The referee is examining it now.

It's hard to see
what it is from here.

It looks like some kind

of candy wrapper.

Wait.

It looks like...

Oh, gosh.
I don't believe it.

It is.

It's a condom wrapper.

Oh, this is disgusting.

It appears that one

of the basketball
players was carrying

a prophylactic in his sock.

You
think he'Il be penalized?

It's hard to say.

It seems the players

are arguing over who the
mystery condom belongs to.

It's
good to know these boys

are practicing safe sex.

I
guess practice makes perfect.

Yeah, it sure does.

All right.
We're back in action here.

In the final 15 seconds of
the regional high school

basketball championships.

The Goleda Nomads leading the
Middlevale Buckskins 96 to 94.

The clock is running.

The Nomads have the ball.
They're dribbling.

They're dribbling.
They're dribbling.

Wait.
Wait.

Chanuka has the ball
for the Buckskins.

He's dribbling down court.

Less than 10 seconds remaining.

The Nomads in hot pursuit.

Chanuka crossing center court.

6 seconds remaining.

Chanuka for the Skins.

Do l look all right, Lepkey?

You look fine, lad.

Fine.

Very fresh.

I mean, you don't think
I overdressed, do you?

No.
No, it's perfect.

Trust me, perfect.

Here goes nothing.

No, don't say nothing.

Lad, confidence.

Go in there, lad.

Show her who's boss.

Sweep her off her feet.

Boy, l sure am nervous.

Phew.

You may have put on a little
bit too much cologne there, lad.

Try not to asphyxiate
the poor lass.

I'Il try not to.

Good.

Now, just go in there.

Wish me luck, Lepkey.

Good luck, lad.

You're going to need it.

There he is, Mom.

Hi, Bill.

Bill, this is my mom.

Mom, this is Bill.

Hi, Mrs. Shackler.

Nice to meet you.

So, uh, where are you planning
on taking Krissi tonight?

Uh, to the drive-in.

No, you are not taking
her to the drive-in.

I know the sort of thing
that goes on there.

How about miniature golf.

OK, miniature golf's fine.

But l want you to have
her home by 11:30.

And no hanky-panky, young man.

Do you understand me?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

No.

But Krissi, we told
your mom we were going

to go play miniature golf.

This means we'Il
have to lie to her.

It's OK.

I have to lie to
her all the time.

Krissi, think of what
the world would be like

if no one ever told any lies.

If everybody just told
the truth all the time.

Think of what a
world that would be.

Could you get me some popcorn?

Lots of butter?

Yeah, lots.

This way.
The safe house is this way.

No,
she'Il find me there.

I know it.

I have to escape.

We must go to the portal.

After her.

Don't let that
little bitch escape.

After her.

Go, my queen.
I will set the controls.

But
where are you sending me?

Somewhere far.

Even if they figure it out,
they won't be able to find you.

Went to the bathroom.

Be right back.

Krissi.

My daughters.

Bring me my daughters.

Rucchio?

You're here?

But how have you been
allowed to leave?

OK.
So what do you think?

It's better than the
bleachers, isn't it?

Uh, we got the movies.

And remember those
flowers you asked for.

Here you go.

Tony, that's so sweet.

Babe.

I also got some candy.

And last but not least.

Condoms.

Wow, you think of everything.

Oh, let me show
you the way, baby.

You want it, don't you?

Oh, you want it.

Don't you?

I'm going to show you
just how it's done.

Let me have you.

Damn,
what the hell was that?

Tony.

You know you want it.

Come on.

Open your mouth, Dawn,

and l'Il cut your tongue out.

But
he's not just any man.

He's our father.

Here it comes.

But
mother wanted him here.

Mother is basketcase.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Tony, what's wrong?

No wonder.

I was rolling it
on the wrong way.

Shit.

I'Il just try another one.

Oh, man.

I dropped the stupid
thing on the floor.

Just get another one.

You have two dozen.

Lepkey, something's
gone wrong here.

I mean, l know girls take a
long time in the bathroom.

But she's been gone
for over an hour.

Ay, lad.

I'd say there's something
rotten in the state of Denmark.

Tony, what time is it?

Oh, man.

How can you think about
time at a time like this?

I have to be home by 11:30.

OK.

It's only 10 o'clock.

Really?

It seems a lot later than that.

Tony, just get another one.

Damn, l know it's
here somewhere.

Wait.

Ah, there it is.

Shit.

How did it get so dirty?

Well, if you vacuumed your
car out every once in a while.

See?

I told you it was a
good thing l stocked up.

I'Il just get another one.

Krissi?

Shut up, you
little son of a bitch.

Krissi?

Shut up, you asshole.

Krissi!

Fucking mother
fucking son of a bitch.

I'm going to
track down your little bitch

of a sister and kill her.

Damn.

What's wrong now?

I went soft again.

Tony, this is beginning to be
more trouble than it's worth.

Krissi?

Is that you in there?

Her name's
Susie, butt face.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

Sh.

Tony, what are you doing?

We're going to make the little
soldier stand at attention.

Krissi.

Mother fucking
son of a bitch.

Krissi.

Shut the...

Oh, baby.

That's the ticket.

That's it.

Is that enough?

No, no, no, no.

Oh.

Just a little bit more.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it.

Krissi.

Hey, beat it, towel boy.

Can't you see we're busy?

Krissi, it's almost 11:30.

Tony, you liar.

Think about yourself.

What?

You can't leave yet.

Wait.

You can't leave now.

And towel boy, l'm going
to get you for this.

So what are you going
to do after graduation?

Why do you want to know?

I was just thinking we could
get to know each other better.

Everybody has dreams, things
they want to do in life.

Thanks for getting
me home in time.

What do you mean it
doesn't count as a wish?

You went out with
her, didn't you?

The whole thing was a setup.

She just used me so she
can meet some guy her mom

won't let her go out with.

It's rustier than l thought.

Maybe you should
wish for something

a wee bit more tangible.

Like l said, romance isn't one
of me specialties these days.

How about a car?

A car.

That's the spirit, laddie.

What kind of car would you like?

Make it a Ferrari.

And what color would
you like your Ferrari, lad?

Red.

Would you like
any air conditioning,

stereo, mad wheels?

Oh, come off it, Lepkey.

Wishes like that
don't just come true.

My date with Krissi
tonight proves it.

Exeter, flexeter,
night sky so starry.

Make there appear a
bright red Ferrari.

Take a gander out
your window, lad.

Oh my gosh.

I don't believe it.

Wait a second.

This isn't a... this
isn't a Ferrari.

This is a Pinto.

OK, OK.

So l need to work on
my chops a little.

But at least l got
the color right.

Wow.

The keys are in
it and everything.

Thanks, Lepkey.

This is really incredible.

Does it qualify
as a good deed, lad?

Oh, you bet!

One down, two to go.

Hey, towel boy.

I'm not a towel boy anymore.

Hey, look, you little pissant.

That's twice now you've
kept me from getting laid.

But l had to get her home.

Ow, ow, ow.

Lepkey.

Are you all right?

Ay, lad.

Bill, would you like me to
teach this belligerent son

of a biscuit to a
lesson he soon won't pry

loose from his one-track mind?

It's not violent, is it?

Eh, it may be a tad violent.

You talking to yourself
over here, towel boy?

No.

What'd Krissi have to
say about me last time

when you were taken her home?

Nothing.

Oh.

Well, look.

I want you to take
her out again night.

And l want you to bring
her over to my house.

No.

What did you say
to me, towel boy?

I won't.

I refuse.

You're cruising for a
serious bruising, towel boy.

Look, you seriously don't care
about her as a human being.

All she is to you is a
living a blow-up doll.

If you don't do
what l'm telling you,

towel boy, l'm going to
ram this tennis racquet so

far up your ass, you're going to
look like a human shish kabob.

I've had enough of this.

Exeter flexeter,
fee, fi, fo, flacket.

Give him a taste of
his own tennis racquet.

What the... ow.

Ow, ow.

Lepkey, you know l'm opposed
to violence of any kind.

But in this case, l'Il
make an exception.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Oh, man.

Hi, Tim.

What's up?

Dude, what's Tony
Chanuka doing?

I don't know.

Must be some new
martial arts deal.

Cool.

Later.

Yeah, later.

Ow, ow, ooh.

Ooh.

Ow.

Bill, l know you must
really hate me for what

I did to you last night.

And you have every
right, but l just

wanted to tell you l'm sorry.

I did a lot of thinking
after you took me

home about what you
said about people

being honest with each other.

And it makes a lot of sense.

It was really awful what l did
to you, using you like that.

Because you're a
really nice person.

And l really like
being with you a lot.

And l would like to
go out with you again

some time, only for real if you
still want to go out with me.

I would invite you in,
but my mom's not home.

That's OK.

But l would like to
see you again sometime,

if that's OK with you?

Yeah.

That's more than OK.

- That's great.
- Great.

You give me a ride to school?

Yeah.

Well.

Well what?

Well, aren't you going
to kiss me goodnight?

Uh, sorry.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Fuck you, towel boy.

Fuck you.

I hope Krissi's
going to be all right.

I mean, she's all alone in
her house and Tony Chanuka's

lurking around outside.

And believe me, he has a
serious personality problem.

I don't mean to rain on
your St. Patrick's parade, lad.

But perhaps the two of them
had a previous engagement.

There's a lot more to the
story than the fair maiden

waiting chastely in her
castle for her knight

in shining armor to return.

I really wish l could know
what's going on in there.

Sometimes, l wish l
could just be a cat.

Exeter, flexeter,
boom diddy, dat.

Change my friend Bill
into a puddy tat.

Gosh, Lepkey.

You sure are getting
good at these wishes.

The
petals are spread wide

as pollen is swept into
the awaiting stamen

of a nearby flower.

Thus, the mating process of
these plants is complete.

However, in the animal kingdom,
things are not quite as simple.

On the moist tropical
savannas of Eastern Africa,

these two spotted giraffes
prepare for some deep throat

in the hot Serengeti.

Here, two African
wildebeest copulate furiously

in the sun, while a
hungry pack of jackals

watch from behind a
nearby rock doing what

jackals do best... jacking off.

I hope
she doesn't recognize me.

Oh, boy.

National Geographic.

These
two young gorillas

quibble over the rights to
stuff a freshly plucked banana.

Despite a valiant intent, this
South African deer can not

reach its own genitalia.

I wonder if
this is what my sex education

teacher meant by heavy petting?

This
manly rhino practices

forbidden water sports
deep in the darkest regions

of the lower Congo.

Maybe l
should be a cat more often.

Oh, no.

I hope that's not Tony Chanuka.

do practice
this form of water erotica

on a regular basis.

Safe for a few limber
Himalayan yogis,

most humans find this practice
slightly out of reach.

Tony.

What are you doing here?

Hey.

Is that any way to
talk to a guy who

just got out of the hospital.

Yeah.

I heard about the
tennis racquet.

What'd you do, fall on it?

I saw a little
twerp leaving when

I pulled up a few minutes ago.

What was he doing here?

He took me to play
miniature golf after school.

Miniature golf?

Yeah.
I had fun.

And don't call him "twerp."

His name is Bill, and l
happen to like him a lot.

You tell him, Krissi.

What has he got, a big
schlong or something?

No, he treats
me with respect.

Respect?

What kind of bullshit is that?

Something you obviously
don't know anything about.

Look, Krissi.

I'm... l'm sorry l came
onto you so quick, OK?

It's just that you're
such a hot-looking babe.

And you turn me on so much
that l lose control of myself.

You know, l mean, you don't
know how much you turn me on.

Hey, when l was in the
hospital this afternoon,

the whole time they were
pulling the tennis racquet out,

all l could think about was you.

Don't
listen to him, Krissi.

He's only interested
in one thing.

Tony.

Come on, baby.

Let's just cut through the
crap and go over to my house.

My parents are out of town
for the next three days.

No.
No, Tony.

I like Bill now.

As a matter of fact, l like him
so much, if he asked me to go

steady with him, l'm going to.

What?

You'd take that bozo over me?

Yeah.

Now, get out of my house.

You weren't invited
and you never will be.

Nobody talks to Tony
Chanuka that way.

Tony, leave.

Just... Tony don't.

Hey, you want to play
hard to get, bitch?

- Huh?
- Just leave.

That's how you like it.

You Neanderthal.

Tony.

Stop.

Oh, this is the way you
like it, isn't it, baby?

Stop it!

Tony, stop.

You're just like a little doe,
strutting through the forest...

Tony, get off of me.

Just stop.

Waiving her
little white tail off.

Stop
it, you big galoot.

Tony, get off of me.

Yeah.

He chases her
through the forest.

Yeah.

Then he pins your little deer
ass down in a cope of moss.

Tony.

Stop.

Bangs you like
there's no tomorrow.

Tony, stop.

I
better do something.

Tony.

What the hell.

Ah.

I thought l told you
never to come back here.

He tried to rape me.

Oh, that's it.

I'm calling the police.

You should
have seen me, Lepkey.

I was just like Errol Flynn.

I bet you were, lad.

I'Il bet you were.

Now, all we need
is one more wish

and we can send me little
green butt back to Ireland.

Oh, Lepkey.

This car you gave me is a lemon.

Picky, picky, picky.

Hi.

Hi.

Where's your car?

It wouldn't start.

You like riding
bikes, don't you?

Yeah.

And l like cars better.

Besides, my seat's
too high on my bike.

Oh.

Well, l can fix that for you.

Oh, good.

I'Il be right back.

OK.

Oh, shoot.

The bolt on her
bike is old inches

standard and my tool's metric.

Is your
wrench too small, lad?

No.

Actually, it's just
a little bit too big.

How about if l made the
wrench just a wee bit smaller?

Sure, Lepkey.

Go ahead, make my day.

Exeter flexeter,
me, mi, mo, meenier.

Make the little wrench just
a wee little bit teenier.

Lepkey, what'd you do?

Oh, no.

I think l overdid it a bit.

Hurry up.

Get us back to
normal size before...

Bill.
Krissi.

I'm down here on
the bicycle sheet.

Where'd you go, Bill?

She can't hear me.

If we don't leave now, we're
going to be late for school.

Hurry up, Lepkey.

I can't remember
the bloody chant.

Try anything.

I'm leaving.

Make something up.

It doesn't work like that.

Hurry, Lepkey, before...

He didn't
even adjust my seat.

Guys.
No, Krissi.

Don't sit down.

Just can't count on them.
No, don't!

Bye, Bill.

No!

Good morning, class.

Today in our continuing study
of the settling of the American

Southwest, we'Il
focus our attention

on the first exploration
of the Grand Canyon.

The Grand Canyon was the last
unexplored region in the North

American continent.

In fact, maps prior
to 1870 merely

labeled this Northwest
corner of Arizona

as the... as the
unknown territory.

It wasn't until the year 1869
that the first exploration

of this unknown
territory was undertaken.

It was a journey
fraught with peril.

Maybe if we can climb to
the top of Krissi's skirt,

we can get over onto the desk.

And then when first period
ends, you can make us big again.

Ay, ay, captain.

They
took a boat stocked

with provisions down
the treacherous waters

of the Colorado River.

Are you all right, Krissi?

Yeah, Mr. Peterson.

Sorry.

These
intrepid men had no idea

what they would encounter
behind every curve

in the canyon walls.

Indian legend of the time
tells of the river dipping

underground, culminating in a
great subterranean waterfall

that cascaded straight down
into the bowels of hell.

Uh, Krissi.

Is there something you
would like to share

with the rest of the class?

No, sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Now look what you
got me into, Lepkey.

Sorry, lad.

If l ever find another
leprechaun in a bottle,

he's going straight
to the recycling bin.

Some of Major Powell's
men did not... Krissi.

If you need to go
to see the nurse,

please feel free to do so.

No.

No, l'm all right.

It went away.

Some of Major Powell's men did
not survive the arduous trip.

Lepkey, isn't there
anything you could do for us?

I think l remember
the way to make us bigger.

Oh, god.

Not now.

Don't make us bigger now.

These brave men in the boat
had a lot on their minds.

The churning river that lapped
against the sides of the boat,

tossing and turning them.

The towering precipices that
loomed high above their head.

And the raging river that
whipped them into a frooth.

Uh, class.

Class.

Tonight, please be sure to
read the chapter on Custer

at the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Whoa.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Ah.

Oh, Ah.

Oh.
No.

Ah.

I just found out they
canceled the exhibition game.

Why?

Why?

Tony Chanuka's in jail.

You're kidding.

What for?

I don't know.

Has anyone seen Bill today?

Final call for...

You mean towel boy Bill?

Don't say that.

I think he's so cute.

Well, he might as
well be a towel boy.

He's in the doghouse with me.

Come on.

Help.

Lepkey.

Help Lepkey
the Leprechaun,

I'm going down the drain.

Help.

Help me.

Grab the bar of soap.

Whoa.

We're heading
for the drain.

Do something.

Here goes nothing.

Ah.

So what were you planning
on doing with this?

Nothing.

Nothing?

OK.

It's a lucky charm.

Huh?

Really.

You were drinking, weren't you?

I don't drink alcohol.

It destroys your brain cells.

Don't you lie.

Ow.

Ow.

Exeter, flexeter,
me, my, mo, miney.

Change course the rod that
is striking Bill's hiney.

Mr. Wheeler, are you OK?

God, l better go get
the school nurse.

Lepkey, you know l'm opposed
to violence of any kind.

Krissi.

Sit down, Bill.

We need to talk.

I can't sit down.

I just got back from
the principal's office.

Good.

You deserve it.

Krissi, listen.

What happened today in the
girl's shower was an accident.

Yeah, right.

You stood me up for school
this morning and made me late.

I guess that was
an accident too?

It was.

And the little joke with
your glasses and the wrench?

Bill, you're so immature.

I think we should stop
seeing each other.

No, Krissi.

We can't.

Ow.

I love you.

I've been in love with you ever
since the first time l saw you.

I went to all the football
and basketball games ever

since junior high.

And l don't even like
football and basketball,

but l went to see you.

Krissi, these last
two days have been

the happiest days of my life.

Please, give me another chance.

I don't think so, Bill.

Oh, Bill.

I am so sorry about getting you
into all that trouble today.

I wouldn't have
screamed like that.

It's just you frightened me.

When l turn around, l
see a boy standing there.

I wouldn't have screamed
if l knew it was you, Bill.

So if there is anything l can
do for you, Bill, anything,

you just let me know.

Babette, Bill and l are having
a very private conversation.

Oh, so sorry.

Excuse-moi.

I really mean it, Bill.

If there's anything l can
do, you just let me know.

Thanks, Babette.

Bill, l think it's time
we made a commitment.

I think we should go steady.

Krissi, l was going to ask
you that same very thing today,

but things got all messed up.

Look, l got you this.

Where'd you get this,
a gumball machine?

I'm on a very limited budget.

It's OK.

It's the thought that counts.

If this kid turns out to be a
dope pusher like you say he is,

I'Il put in a good word for
you over in the DA's office.

Yeah, maybe he'Il
reduce the, uh,

attempted rape charge to
something more chickenshit,

like, uh, indecent exposure.

Oh, man.

That would be great.

What makes you think
this kid is a dealer?

I've seen him walking around
talking to empty beer bottles.

I mean, anybody does
that kind of stuff

has got to be on drugs, right?

OK.

He just bought a brand new car.

I mean, it was just a
Pinto, but... but still.

Where's an unemployed
towel boy going to come

up with that kind of cash?

It doesn't grow on
trees, you know?

He said he won it in
the Irish sweepstakes.

Thank you, Mrs. Higgins.

That's all we need to know.

Oh, get out of here, you
confounded canine, fire hydrant

leg-lifting lawn defiler.

Princess, that's no
way to treat our guest.

If that dog
doesn't leave me alone,

I'm going to turn
him into a pumpkin.

You better not.

I'm just kidding.

Lepkey, l think
I've finally come up

with an idea for a third wish.

Thank goodness.

I can't wait to
get back to Ireland

and get out of this
blasted beer bottle.

Well, l figure car insurance,
gas, and maintenance

for the Pinto for
the next 5 years

is somewhere around $50,000.

Then, college tuition for
4 years plus med school

is somewhere in
the $90,000 range.

Plus, cost of living expenses.

Figure another $50,000.

And then if you add 5% a year
for inflation and 3% a year

for cost of living
increases, it comes

to a total of $298,265.42.

That wouldn't be a
problem, would it?

Problem?

It's no problem at all, lad.

Oh, Lepkey.

This is great.

Who is it?

Bill?

Yeah, l'Il be right there, Mom.

Bill.

Bill, would you
please open your door?

Just a second, Mom.

Are you
doing something in there

you're not supposed to?

No, no, no.

I'm coming, Mom.

I'm on my way.

Bill, open
this door right now.

Would you please
open your door, Bill?

I'm undressed.

I got to get dressed.

Oh, darn.

Where's my underwear?

Just a second, Mom.

Stop play games,
Bill, and open this door.

Mom, what'd you do
with my underwear?

I can't find it.

I'Il be right there.

I'Il just grab, like
a towel or something.

Oh, Mom.

I got no clean towels either.

Be right there, Mom.

Open
this door right now.

OK.
Here l come, Mom.

You're not looking at dirty
magazines again, are you, Bill?

What dirty magazines, Mom?

You know, the ones under
your bed with half the pages

stuck together?

Oh, Mom.

I threw those out months ago.

I took them to the
recycling center.

OK.

A couple of people were by
today asking about your car.

Oh, yeah.

I got to get that registered.

I'm going to get that taken
care of first thing tomorrow.

Do you need to borrow some
money from your father?

No.

Actually, Mom.

I think l'Il be all right.

I think l got it covered.

I went with Jeffrey
Minnoti in the 10th grade.

He got his hand
under my shirt twice.

Uh, Brian McCulloch felt
me up a total of 14 times.

3 of those times he actually
got his hand underneath my bra,

but 2 of those don't
count because he was

being really sneaky about it.

And when l realized what he was
doing, l pulled his hand away.

I had seven hickeys.

The first Richard Catheter gave
me in the ninth grade at Jamie

Windler's party on the neck.

And my mom saw it.
And...

Wait a second.

What'd you do, go through your
diary with a pocket calculator?

I just think it's
important that we know

each other's sexual history.

Oh.

Well, l don't have much of
a sexual history to tell.

Other than an occasional
"Playboy" magazine

here and there.

That means you've never even
touched a girl... you know?

It depends on how
you look at it.

Stop beating around
the bush, Bill.

Who is she?

Babette Detoi?

No.

You've been seeing her
behind my back, haven't you?

- No.
- Just admit it.

Krissi.

Look, the only contact
I've ever had with Babette

was that day in
the girl's shower.

- And you were there.
- Right.

You snuck in so you
could see her naked.

You voyager.

It's pronounced voyeur.

See?

She's teaching you all
those French words, too.

Krissi.

Krissi, look it.

The farthest l've ever been
with a girl was with you.

That means you haven't
even been to first base yet.

Well, maybe l've just been
waiting for the right pitch.

Bill.

Oh, sorry.

I got a little carried away.

Well, it's not that
I don't want to.

I've been reading Brooke
Shields' autobiography

and l think she's right
about staying a virgin

until your wedding night.

I'm going to boycott all of
her movies and books for life.

Bill.

I'm just kidding.

No, really.

I think it's a smart idea.

The stars sure
are pretty tonight.

Yeah, they are.

Not half as pretty as you.

Krissi?

Will you...

Will l what?

What?

Will you marry me?

Yeah.

Yes.

I'm really going
to miss you, Lepkey.

And l you, lad.

Just remember, the
minute you stop

believing in magic, that's
when your life starts

turning into a big
pile of horse puckey.

Thanks.

I'Il try to remember that.

Bye, Lepkey.

Hey, ready for graduation, Tim?

Yeah.

As ready as l'Il ever be.

Come on, let's go
check out these limbs.

OK.

Dude, l finally got up the
nerve to ask Babette out.

And she said yes.

I'm happy for you, Tim.

Dude, it looks like you just
sat through a three-day Blues

Festival.

Well, l finally
got up the nerve

to ask Krissi to marry me.

She said yes.

Her mom said no way.

Mom, you were only 17
when you got married.

Only because l had to, Krissi.

I don't want you making
the same mistake l did.

Is that what l am?

A mistake?

Oh, honey.

I didn't... that's
not what l mean.

I... it's just... you two
have no idea of the problems

that can come up in a marriage.

I mean, l should know.

I've been divorced three times.

I love him, Mom.

It takes more
than love, Krissi.

Well, if it's money
you're worried about,

I've saved up enough to
get through med school.

Yeah.

And l'm going to nursing school.

See, Mom, before Bill, l didn't
have any real direction in life

except to be a cheerleader.

Now l do.

You're going to be a doctor?

Yeah.

And after we raise a
family, we decided we want

to open up a clinic somewhere.

Somewhere where they
really need one.

Somewhere besides
Beverly Hills.

Right.

I mean, l know it's
impossible for one

person, or even two people,
to heal the whole world.

But if each of us could just
heal a little tiny part of it,

think of what a
world that would be.

Be careful.

Be good!

Goodbye!

So where's your Pinto?

Oh, it finally died.

But my dad gave me this
as a wedding present.

Oh, that was nice.

But, uh, maybe we could get,
like a paint job or something.

Krissi, for you the world.

Sure a paint job.

This is the happiest
day of my life.

Yeah?

Not for long, baby.

Tony.

How'd you get out of jail?

They reduced the charges
to indecent exposure.

Where's justice?

Get over, buddy.

Bill.

Yeah.

You're out of here, towel boy.

Bill.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you have an extra
horse l can borrow?

Well, l have two feet,
so l need both of these.

But l have a horse.

Uh.

Horse.

No, Tony.

Tony.

Go get him.

Go get who?

The fucking asshole.

He'Il never catch them.

Let's go.

Bill.

Bill!

Hey, asshole.

Give us back our shish kabob.

Yeah, give them back
their shish kabob.

You're ruining
their whole picnic.

Ah, fuck them.

Oh, be careful, Bill.

May l?

Whatever.

Thank you.

Just like the animals do it.

The two bucks fighting
it out while the rutting

female looks on.

She can't help but get all
wet, watching us do battle.

She gets all hot knowing that
she has to fuck the winner.

Survival of the fittest.

Passing on the better genes.

The call of nature.

The survival of the fittest.

Oh, no.

Shit.

Ah.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Sorry about your dinner.

Bill, my hero.

Bill, how
are we ever going

to get these handcuffs off?

Don't worry,
we'Il find a way.

With a nail file?

Bill, this is going
to take forever.

I've got forever if you do.

Vice squad Freeze.

Freeze.

Drop the nail file.

What the hell's going on here?

We're on our honeymoon.

Seems like one hell
of a honeymoon to me.

Nubbs, search the place.

What are they
looking for, Bill?

We've had your kinky lover
boy here under surveillance

for the past six weeks.

Surveillance?

What for?

International drug smuggling.

What?

Cut the innocent act, Higgins.

What was in that package you
sent to Ireland last month?

Ireland?

Listen, doll face.

We tried to track it, but
it got lost in the mail.

What was in the package, Bill?

You wouldn't
understand, Krissi.

What about that promise
that we made each other

about being totally honest?

I know.

But in this case, the
truth is so far out there,

no one would believe me,
even if l was totally honest.

Try us.

Yeah, try us.

OK.

I was on my way home from school
and l found this leprechaun

in a beer bottle.

He was put in there
by some goblin,

so he could sober
up because they

don't have Betty Ford clinics
for leprechauns, you know?

In order to prove
that he was sober,

he had to grant three wishes.

Because if a leprechaun's
drunk, he can't do magic right.

So he granted my three wishes,
even though he... you know,

flopped up some of the
things l had asked for.

But... but still, we had a deal.

So after he granted
my third wish,

I mailed him back to Ireland.

You know, Nubbs.

We may not be able to prove
this kid's been selling drugs,

but we sure as hell can
prove he's been taking them.

Hey, Faukett.

Look what l found.

They're both under 21.

Let's book them.

But it's non-alcoholic.

See?

He's got us on that one.

I'm beginning to
think this Chanuka

character has been giving
us the dry ream all along.

You don't know where we can
find your friend Tony, do you?

Last we saw him, he was over
at the state park coping a buzz.

Come on, Faukett.

Let's go check it out.

You guys wouldn't happen
to have a spare handcuff key,

would you?

Thanks.

I love you, Krissi.

Je t'aime mon amour.

I see Babette's been teaching
you a few French words.

Bill, why did you
tell the police

that crazy leprechaun story?

Because you wanted
total honesty.

Don't give me that.

I want to know what was in that
package you sent to Ireland.

I told you, the leprechaun.

We are not making love tonight
until you tell me the truth.

What?

I got ripped off.

I mean it, Bill.

Top of the
evening to you.

Damn.

What the hell was that?