Getting It On (1983) - full transcript
An ordinary sex-starved teenager and his friends start secretly video recording high school girls and their activity irks the community, as well as their principal.
- [Sally] My turn,
I wanna look one up.
- [Marilyn] What
are you looking up?
- [Sally] Voy, voyeur.
- [Marilyn] Oh, B-O-Y-Y.
- [Sally] Here it is.
- [Marilyn] Well read it.
- [Sally] Voyeur, one,
a person who habit,
habitually seeks sexual
stim, stimulation
by visual means.
Wait, there's more.
Two, a prying observer
who is usually seeking
the sordid or the scan, scan--
- [Marilyn] Scandalous.
- [Sally] Scandalous.
Three, one affected with
undue visual curiosity.
Who does that remind you of?
- [Marilyn] I don't know.
- [Sally] Alex, Alex Carson.
[crickets chirping]
- [Mrs. White] Sally, I found
the box with your drapes.
[crickets chirping]
[bell dinging]
- All right!
[soft dramatic music]
Damn!
[upbeat music]
[crickets chirping]
Ow.
[crickets chirping]
Ow.
- Hello, who's there?
Are you okay?
- [Alex] No.
- Wait and let me come help.
I know first aid.
- [Alex] Great.
[dogs barking]
- Here, let me help you.
Put your arm around my waist.
Do you think you
broke your foot?
- I'm not sure.
- Well, we'll go slower.
Are you gonna be able
to stand up okay?
- Yeah.
- Do you need some
help getting inside?
- No, no thanks.
- You were spying
on me, weren't you?
That's pretty immature.
- Are you the new girl
Marilyn was showing
around at school today?
- Uh-huh, I'm in
Mr. Keck's homeroom.
Why, do you have him?
- No, I'm only a freshman.
- Oh, that explains it.
You're still a boy.
- Oh, and you're
more mature, huh?
- Girls mature much
faster than boys.
Didn't you know that?
I mean, I'm nearly a woman.
- Really?
- Maturity isn't just
physical, dumb-ass,
but of course you
wouldn't know that,
sneaking around and
peeping on girls.
- Shh, keep your voice
down, my parents'll hear.
[crickets chirping]
- Boy, this is a
really nice house.
- Shh!
Damn.
- Wait a minute, you
can't climb on that foot.
- Are you gonna carry me?
- Well you may damage it more.
What's your name, anyway?
- Alex, Alex Carson.
- Well I'm Sally Clark,
your new neighbor.
- Well goodnight.
- Night.
Weird.
- No, no, I don't
want the smaller dish.
I want the Earth Station
Three with the amplifier.
Yes, there will be someone
here this afternoon.
C-A-R-S-O-N.
Yeah, thank you.
- Hey, Dad, are we getting a
satellite receiving station?
- Yep.
- Great.
- Dillard's Department Store
had a shoe sale yesterday.
They were all marked
down to $35 a pair,
so I bought six pairs,
saved over $150.
- [Mr. Carson]
Intercontinental's
down an eighth.
That's not good.
- That's not good.
- Signed us all up at
the Stay Fit Health Spa.
So I guess I'll have to buy new
racquetball outfits
this weekend.
- [Mr. Carson] Aw, damn.
Amalgamated Conglomerate's
dipped three-eighths.
- Pretty bad, huh?
- [Mr. Carson] Yeah, pretty bad.
- [Mrs. Carson] Take
your vitamins, boys.
- Well, Dad, just remember,
everything is cyclical.
That stock'll come
back up eventually.
Just gotta hold
out, don't panic.
That's the way everything works.
- [Reporter On Radio]
Their country paid wartime
reparations to a
major West Coast--
- You know, you
might have a point.
Honey, I think we're
gonna make a businessman
outta my son yet.
- Hey, Dad, she already
sweetened your coffee.
- It's never enough.
I'm always tired by 11 o'clock.
- Here's your lunch, Alex.
Extra jimjam.
- Thanks, Mom.
- [Reporter On Radio]
Saying that the escalating
carborundum prices continues
to demand full attention.
- Dad?
- Yes, son.
- I'd like to talk to you
about my first business.
- Sure, go ahead.
- It's like those video
cameras that are in banks,
used for surveillance
and security.
Well I've done a lot
of market research,
and I feel this area's prime.
- What's your downside?
- [Alex] Well I could
probably recover costs
in the home movie
type stuff alone.
- Alex, with your grades
as low as they are,
do you think you can afford
to run a business too?
- Sure, it's like a
hobby that'll make money.
- Make money?
- Make money?
- Sure.
- Maybe you've got
a point there, Alex.
Maybe it is time you
start your own business.
You know, when I was your age,
I already had my
own paper route.
I'd bring in sometimes
20 bucks a week.
- So you wanna invest, eh?
- [Mr. Carson] How
much do you think
you need to get started?
- Well I might just be
able to let you in on this.
But I can tell you right now,
Carson, it's gonna cost you.
Cost you big.
- [Mr. Carson] Alex, Alex?
- Huh?
- [Mr. Carson] How
much do you figure
you'll need to get started?
- About $4,000.
- Honey, will you poor
me some more coffee?
$4,000, that's a
lotta money, Alex.
I mean, I'd like to help
you get started, but
I don't know if we
could spare that much.
We've got the new garage,
the satellite station,
the new lawnmower, the
Jacuzzi, we've got the--
- The MasterCard.
- That's an
excellent idea, Alex.
- Look, I don't know.
What do you figure your
break-even point is?
- Um, six months.
- Would you agree
to pay 15% interest,
with payment on the
principal after 90 days?
- Sure.
- It's a deal.
[sighing]
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah, Cathy, this
is Alex Carson.
Will you raise my credit
card limit to 12,000 please?
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
- [Reporter On Radio] And
it's almost homecoming time
at St. Benedict's High School,
so all the school clubs
are feverishly working
on their floats
for the big parade.
[school bell ringing]
[students chattering]
- This is disgusting.
Not to mention vile, sick,
just plain perverted.
You were relatively good
for the past few months,
then you pull a stunt like this.
The people up at the home
will be ashamed of you.
What kind of a normal,
and I emphasize normal,
God-fearing young man
would derive pleasure
from passing around
pictures of his,
his genitals to a
girls' typing class?
- Hey, I just did it
as a personal favor.
- [Mr. White] Favor?
- Yeah, to some of the girls
who don't have brothers.
Hell, most girls with
brothers have bathed
with them as they grew up.
We're talking purely
educational here, sir.
- Do you have a degree
in psychology, Mr. Byers?
- No, sir.
- No, you don't.
You're just a streetwise punk.
You can't handle the
trauma that you've induced
on these young
girls who aren't yet
ready to be introduced to--
- But.
- [Mr. White] But what?
- What is the proper
introduction to the male
sex organ, Mr. White?
- In the context of a
sex education classroom
with a qualified instructor.
- We don't have sex education,
we have health class.
And besides, Miss
Barton's an old lesbian,
certainly not qualified
to instruct males--
- Listen, Mister, I
don't care what it is.
Cheating, skipping study
hall, smoking grass, whatever.
One more offense,
and it's back up
the hill to the home for you.
Do we understand each other?
- Yeah, man.
- I'm not your man.
I'm my own man, you got it?
- Yes, sir.
- I'll be watching
you, very closely.
Oh and Byers, I hope
you do screw up,
because I want you gone.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Oh hi, honey, give me those.
- Oh, Daddy, I'm not
a little girl anymore.
- That boy is sick
and the spitting image of
his older brother, Richard.
Who, I might remind you,
you are not permitted
to see ever again.
- Well I just stopped by
to tell you that I'm going
over to Rebecca's house
to practice some cheers.
- Well, just be home for supper.
I think your mother's
cooked something original.
- Hmm, no boiling bags.
[students chattering]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Came home last night
♪ Mowed the lawn
♪ Watching the TV screen
♪ And all at once,
she appears to me ♪
♪ The girl of my dreams
♪ I'm watching my video
♪ I'm watching my video
♪ Oh oh, watching my video
♪ Sure looks good to me
♪ Video
♪ Watching my video
♪ Oh, whoa
♪ Video
♪ Sure looks good to me
[upbeat rock music]
- [DJ] Back to more music
on the Mighty X Rock,
to start off three in a row.
- So you're gonna
start videotaping
instead of using
the old nocs, huh?
- Yeah, binoculars
got really old fast.
[upbeat rock music]
- You gonna start with Sally?
- Probably, why?
- I just figured she
was your main squeeze
and you'd want to.
- Squeeze, what's that?
- Your girlfriend, man.
- I just met her the
other night, Jesus.
[upbeat rock music]
- So get moving, if you
don't, somebody else will.
That's the way it is.
- [Alex] Maybe.
- [Nicholas] Maybe, she came
to rescue your dumb-ass.
- She treats me like a brother.
She ignores me when I
pass her in the hall.
- That proves it.
That's how women act.
If they ignore you, that
means that they're interested
and they're playing hard to get.
So hell, man, you're
in, you're in.
[doorbell ringing]
- What's the matter with
you today, Nicholas?
- Track injury, Mr.
Ashen, pulled a muscle.
- Well I'm glad to see
you finally joined a team.
Keep you outta trouble,
off the streets.
- Oh yes sir, I really
have enjoyed it.
[doorbell ringing]
[horn honking]
[bottle rattling]
[engine starting]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ You always want me
- [Nicholas] Hey, check
out my new stroker.
- Not another one.
Jesus, Nicholas, you're gonna
get caught one of these days.
- Not me, man.
- Oo, wee.
- Good one, huh?
- You must have the
world's most largest
collection of stroke books.
- Look at that thing.
[tires squealing]
♪ I saw how you treated
♪ A very sick brother
♪ I watched you desert him
You guys getting a
satellite station?
- Yeah, I forgot to tell you.
- Damn, you guys get everything.
- [Installer] Mister, you
wanna get hit by the rays?
- Say, does this thing
get that sex channel?
- [Installer] Move
it in, that's it.
A little bit more,
that's good, that's good.
There you go, that's good.
Look, Mister, if you just
get outta the way here,
we'll get you put together.
Otherwise, I'm liable
to fuck something up.
- Hey, here's a good
one, listen to this.
Dear Pamela, my husband
won't perform oral sex
because he says
it's a perversion.
What should I tell him?
Signed, Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated, tell
your husband there'll be
no more eating in til he
learns to eat out [laughs].
Hey, Alex, have you
ever seen one up close?
- Nah.
But I thought about it a lot.
- Thinking about
it doesn't count.
Doing it, that's what counts.
- [Alex] And I suppose you have?
- Sure.
- Who?
- I'll never tell.
- Yeah, right.
- You don't believe me?
Watch me.
Oh, yes, Nicholas, oh please.
That's the spot,
Nicholas, oh ho.
Oh please don't stop.
Oh, you're so good, oh.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Carson.
- You all right?
- Yes, ma'am, I just
pulled a muscle in my back
and I was working it out.
- Alex, have you
finished your homework?
- Yep.
- I guess I oughta be
going, Mrs. Carson.
- Yeah, he pulled
a muscle all right.
- Okay, Nicholas.
Take care of that back.
- [Alex] See you
tomorrow, Nicholas.
- Okey doke.
[crickets chirping]
- She gonna undress soon?
- Shh, be quiet, bung hole.
The window's open,
she'll hear us.
[crickets chirping]
- We're really
gonna see some, huh?
- Yeah, wait til you see her.
She's beautiful.
[upbeat jazz music]
- [Alex] Come on
back, let me see it.
Oh wow.
Okay, Sally, that's great.
Take it all off, come on.
[upbeat jazz music]
Come on back, come on back.
[humming]
[upbeat jazz music]
Wow that's it, dump the towel.
Come on, Sally,
please, dump the towel.
[upbeat jazz music]
[Pac-Man playing]
- Oh, did you see that move?
- She's beautiful,
man, beautiful.
- I wanna see the tape.
- I forgot to turn it on.
- You dumb-ass.
Lend me a dollar so I can play
Nuclear Madness again, okay?
- Man that's six bucks
you owe me, dude.
- Thanks.
- Man, when I get rolling,
I'm gonna have tapes
of the prettiest
naked girls in town.
- Hell, I could see that
at the adult bookstore.
- Not girls you know, idiot.
Speaking of girls I'd
like to see naked.
Here comes your brother's
girlfriend, Marilyn.
I bet she and Richard
do it all the time.
- Of course.
- You ever seen them?
- Nah.
- [Alex] How do you know?
- Hello, Nicholas, Alex.
- Hello, Marilyn.
- Hello, Marilyn.
- What can we do for
you today, Marilyn.
- Well I want you to
deliver a message to Richard
when he gets back in town.
Tell him that,
tell him to give
me a call, okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks a lot.
- Well I'll sure
tell him, Marilyn.
He's due in from
Baltimore any day now.
Shit, I have to get
his car back in shape
before he hits town.
- That's pretty good, Alex.
- Oh, Marilyn, Alex
has a question for you.
- Hey, no I don't, asshole.
- Yeah, he does, he does.
Go ahead, man, ask her.
- Would you knock it
off, you stupid shit?
- It's about you and Richard.
He wants to know if you,
if you, um, get it on?
- Well, what do
you mean get it on?
- You know, fool around.
- Fool around?
Be specific.
- Never mind, Marilyn.
- I'll see boys later.
Oh, Nicholas, I
like your Polaroids.
I didn't know that you and
Richard had so much in common.
- Serves you right,
you stupid shit.
[tires squealing]
- What are they doing now?
- We're adding on
to the back porch.
- Oh, so, what time tonight?
- Nine o'clock?
- Okay, boy, what
an exciting night.
See you later.
- Bye.
[engine starting]
[bird calling]
[door opening]
- Oh, Alex, I'm so
glad you stopped by.
I just can't get
my mind off of you.
[soft piano music]
[crickets chirping]
- [Woman On TV] It's my
husband, Dr. Bromley.
Ever since that accident at
the nuclear power plant--
- Hmm, lightly steamed
vegetables in a double boiler.
A double boiler?
- Be quiet, Mom, I can't
hear the soundtrack.
- That's the third
time you've seen that.
- Oh come on, it's near
the part where the girl
gets raped by the
slug from Pluto.
- My God, what garbage.
- [Man On TV] No time to
lose, take off your clothes
and put on this lead underwear.
[phone dialing]
- Damn.
[phone dialing]
[phone ringing]
- Hello.
- [Alex] Sally?
- Yes.
- [Alex] This is Alex.
- Oh hello, Alex.
- Um, listen, I was
wondering if you,
you would like to go to
the movies Friday night.
- Um, well,
well what's on?
- [Alex] I don't know,
I forgot to look.
- Well, look and then
call me back, dumb-ass.
- It's not important what's on.
[phone dialing]
[phone ringing]
- [Alex] Hello.
- Hello, Alex?
- [Alex] Yeah.
- [Sally] Hold on a second,
I've got a paper right here.
How about Revenge of the Jedi?
- Hey, that sounds good.
- Okay, how we gonna get
there, can you drive?
- [Alex] No, we
usually ride bikes.
- Mm, I didn't bring mine.
- No.
- [Sally] But listen, my
parents are out of town.
- They are?
- Yeah, and I know where
the spare keys are.
- Well that's great.
But I don't have my permit yet.
- Well, how about if I drive?
- [Alex] Great.
- Okay, what time?
- 7:30?
- Great.
- All right, well, bye.
- Bye.
[door knocking]
- Come on in.
- I did.
- Wait til you hear.
- Tell me about it.
- Hello, Marilyn, this
is Sally, guess what.
I think I've just been asked
out on Alex's first date.
- Do you think she knows
it's your first date?
- I doubt it.
- Are you nervous?
- Maybe just a little.
- Of course not.
- Do you think she knows
you're up to something?
- Sally, hell no.
- I think he's up to something,
but I can't imagine
him trying anything.
- Wow, soft action
and everything.
You are gonna try
stuff, aren't you?
- Of course.
- Who, Alex?
- How far do you think
she'll let you go?
- Maybe just a kiss.
- All the way, huh?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll probably have
to kiss him first.
- Wow, a real date!
[crunching]
[growling]
- [Woman On TV] There's
someone at the door.
Hold the line for just
a minute, who's there?
Henry, is that you?
Henry?
[dramatic music on TV]
- Going to install a
camera for Nicholas, Mom.
I'll be back in a
couple of hours.
- When, exactly, Alex?
- 11 o'clock.
- Okay, 11 o'clock.
[screaming on TV]
[gun firing]
- Here, tighten this down.
- So you really gonna
give it a go, huh?
- Yep, I think it's about time
I got serious with ole Sal.
- Are you nervous?
- About what?
- About not knowing what to do.
- Of course not.
- Remember the signs of arousal?
- Yeah.
- What are they?
- Here, hand me
that screwdriver.
- Nipples, Alex, when they're
hard, it's a dead giveaway.
And breathing, watch
for heavy breathing.
- Uh-huh.
- How we gonna hide
the camera in the car?
- I guess I'll have to
park under a streetlight.
Hey, wait a minute.
I don't wanna tape it.
- That's the whole point
of the date, isn't it?
I mean, we already have
a dynamite strip scene.
- I don't know.
- Look, Alex, you know
you start something and--
- Can't you see
I'm busy, A-hole.
Here, hold this while
I calibrate the camera.
- All right, okay.
I'll just tell old
Sally that she's been
seen undressing
thanks to Alex here.
- Hey, you do and I'll leave you
out of any further sessions.
Go and buy your
own damn equipment.
[soft music]
- I wonder how come it is
we've both got allergies
and I can't breathe in
this place and you can.
- It's because you're
anal retentive.
- Where's your gown?
- Says her in Dear Pamela
that sleeping naked
may increase your
husband's sexual appetite.
- [Mr. Carson] Dear Pamela?
- Your son's porno magazine.
- [Mr. Carson] My God, it
looks like open-heart surgery.
- That's Lisa, porno star.
- Is Alex still out?
- Til 11.
- On a school night?
- Yeah, he's out working,
working to pay you back
for all that video
junk you bought.
- Wow, excellent.
- Alex?
- Yeah, Dad.
- Your mom found a girlie
magazine in your room today.
- What was she doing in my
room without me being here?
- Never mind that,
you wanna tell me
how you got it and if
you've got any more?
- You can get them at
any corner store, Dad.
- Alex, Alex, when
I was your age,
I never knew what a
woman looked like naked.
We felt it would
ruin sex for later.
Do you understand what I'm--
Your screen just went blank.
- It's a monitor, Dad,
and that's because
it's dark outside.
- Oh.
You know, if we were caught
with a magazine like that,
we were really ashamed.
- Why, Dad?
Everyone knows they exist.
Did you steal them?
- No.
- Well anyway, it's
Nicholas' magazine.
He left it over here.
So you have to give
it back to him.
- I don't know if I can do that.
Your mother has
already confiscated it.
- Confiscated it?
You can't confiscate someone
else's magazine, Dad.
- I guess you're right.
What if I paid him for it?
- That sounds fair enough.
- Well.
- But, Dad?
- Yeah, Son.
- When was the first time
you went out on a real date?
- What do you mean real date?
- [Alex] You know,
when important stuff
starts happening.
- You mean, when
did I fall in love?
- Not really, just
the sexual stuff.
- Oh, well, uh.
I don't know, I
was 18, 19 maybe.
- Did you go all the way?
- No.
At least not until I was
nearly through school.
- High school, right?
- [Mr. Carson] No, college.
- Okay.
Thanks a lot.
- Sure.
Alex?
- Yeah.
- Keep up the good work, eh?
Your mom and I are real
proud of you, you know that?
- Thanks a lot, Dad.
[light mysterious music]
- Sally, hold up a second.
Did you hear the rumor today?
- Which one?
- The one about
Chuck Sugar and you?
- Me?
- Yeah, Sarah Norton overheard
him say that he might
ask you to the homecoming
dance next weekend.
- You're kidding, Charles Sugar?
- No, well he's deciding
between you and Whitney Sain,
but listen, I'm late for
practice, give me a call.
- Okay.
[students chattering]
- Just remember what
Richard has always told me.
Making love is
like frying bacon.
You have to make
sure the pan is hot
before you slap the meat to it.
- My father says he wasn't
laid til he was in college.
- [Nicholas] Jesus.
- I can't remember
all this crap.
- Look, just wait 60 seconds
before each major move.
This way, you'll never rush her.
Oh, Jesus, I gotta get going.
[students chattering]
- Hey, Sally.
Mind if I walk along?
- Sure, if you want.
[soft piano music]
[traffic passing]
[doorbell ringing]
- Oh, hello, Nicholas.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Ashen.
- Gotta try one of
my hotdogs, Nick.
Got a great promotion this week.
Four for a dollar.
- Sounds great.
- Trick knee acting
up again, Nicholas?
- Yeah, sure is.
- Hold it, you little punk.
What else you been
stealing from me?
- Nothing, Mr. Ashen.
I promise, this is my
first time, honest.
- You lying shit.
You even flinch and I'll open
you up, you get it, punk?
- Yes, sir, please be careful.
Oh please, don't call
the cops, please.
Call my brother, or Mr.
White, the principal,
but not the police.
- Here, hold this on the
little punk while I dial.
- What'd he do?
- What?
- I said what did he do?
- Nothing major, really.
- Oh.
[burps] Excuse me.
[upbeat rock music]
- Y'all wanna see my radio?
- Tom, honey,
you know I've watched
every episode of Magnum PI.
I'm so excited that
you got my letter
and decided to come on over.
[phone ringing]
Oh you do?
Thanks.
You know, I got it just for you.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Yes.
Just a minute.
Daddy, telephone.
- Hello.
Yes, this is he.
Oh, well, yes, as a
matter of fact, I do.
He did?
No, don't call the police,
I'll be right over.
I can handle this.
I've got you this
time, you little shit.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ I came here with
good intentions ♪
♪ Without fear or apprehension
♪ I work hard til I'm through
♪ Because it's so hard
to get through to you ♪
♪ I'm no jester, I'm no clown
♪ I don't flinch,
I won't go down ♪
♪ For your pleasure,
for your fancy ♪
♪ I won't do tricks just
to get you dancing ♪
- Do you like my new dress?
Like my new dress?
- It's okay.
I like it.
I like it, but I can
see right through it.
- Richard, where's your table?
- Uh.
I sent it out to be refinished.
It was stained.
- Bullshit, you sold it.
Richard, you can't
keep selling off
furniture to pay your rent.
Richard.
Richard.
- Your ass is grass, baby.
- [Nicholas] Let go of me.
- You've just written
your walking papers.
You're going back to Harrelson.
[engine starting]
[light moaning and giggling]
- You don't like my dress.
- [Richard] Of course I do.
- It's been four
whole days, Richard.
I'm about to go crazy.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get this off.
[light moaning]
[giggling]
[traffic passing]
Oh, it's your father.
It's your father, Jesus!
[laughing]
Oh, hello, Nick, Mr. White.
- Hello, Richard.
Nicholas here has
just written himself
a one-way ticket back
to Harrelson School.
I'm glad you're
here to see him off.
Look at this place,
it's disgusting.
Certainly not an
environment to bring up
a young man like Nicholas.
- Well, obviously, you
think the answer is not
love and trust but
an all-boys school.
- It straightened me out.
- That's a matter of opinion.
- I resent your attitude.
- Yeah?
Well I resent yours,
and I'd appreciate you
getting the hell
out of my house.
My brother and I
did not invite you.
- After Monday, Mr.
Byers, it won't matter.
Because I'll have no more need
to come to this side of town.
- Hey, White.
- I screwed up.
- Don't worry, Nick,
it'll work out okay.
We won't let you be
taken away again.
- [Alex] Oh wow!
- [Mr. White On PA]
Let me repeat that
for those of you on drugs.
Contrary to the rumor, the
Boys Glee Club will not,
I emphasize not, be
allowed to participate
in the homecoming
parade this Saturday
with their giant
sex organ float.
- Dear Sally, the
reason I want us to go
out tonight is because I--
I--
Dear Sally, I know I said
we would go to the movies,
but I'd like for us to go to--
Go to--
Go to--
Damn.
- Alex?
- Yes, ma'am?
- Take this and preview it
please, it's last year's
basketball game between the
students and the faculty.
- Okay, Mrs. Hatfield.
Now's a good chance
to see the tape.
- What tape?
- The tape Alex made.
- So?
- It's got T and A.
- Tits and ass, wait up.
- Now wait a minute, guys.
You guys gotta cough
up a buck each.
- I don't have to pay.
- Jerk.
- Let's go.
- Really, you're not kidding,
can you see everything?
- Shut up, watch.
- Wow.
- They're beautiful,
perfectly shaped.
Who is it?
- Oh shit.
- How did it play, Alex?
- Pretty good, Mrs. Hatfield.
- Oh that's good, would
you put it on there now
and roll it out and set
up for the convocation?
- Right away, Mrs. Hatfield.
- Thank you.
Alex, hurry up, we don't have
all day, come on, come on.
- I think if you
plugged this into here.
[microphone screeching]
It's working, it's working.
[microphone blowing]
Before we begin our
magazine drive assembly,
I have a few
announcements to make.
First, anyone caught throwing
food in the cafeteria
will be sent to study hall
and put on double probation.
Now I really mean
business this time.
Next, will all of the
students preparing to go
with H.G. Welles on the
trip to the wax museum
please meet on May Fourth, 1922.
What kind of a joke is this?
Anyone caught putting
a joke announcement in
will be suspended one
period from school
and put on double probation.
[students laughing]
And now here to introduce
this year's annual
St. Benedict High School's
magazine drive is Mr. Steptoe.
[applause]
- How many of you wanna grow up
and have your own condominium?
How many of you wanna grow up
and have your own swimming pool?
How many of you wanna grow up
and have more money than you
even know what to do with?
- Well, in order to
have all those things,
you have to know how to sell.
S-E-L, sell.
Now, we all know that
practice makes perfect, right?
I mean, you band members,
you have to practice, right?
- You athletes, you
have to practice, right?
Well, dear students, now we have
a chance to practice selling.
Now before you see all
the many wonderful prizes
you have a chance to
have just by selling
the most magazines in this
year's annual magazine drive.
But before we take the
time to explain the rules
of the drive, let's
take a look at a clip
of last year's
student-faculty game,
just to get us in the mood
and get us excited, okay?
[laughing]
- Oh shit.
[laughing]
[whistling]
[laughing]
Wait a minute, how
about the condominiums?
- Hey, how'd it go, Nick?
- Well.
I leave next week.
He woulda had me
out today, but, uh,
the right man at the
school wasn't there.
- God, I'm sorry, Nick.
Jesus.
- I had nothing to lose
by taking the blame.
I was a goner anyway.
- I feel terrible.
Don't worry, Nick, I'll get
you out of this somehow.
I promise.
- Hey, how about a
game of Tasmania?
That'll cheer us up.
Come on, let's go.
- You go ahead.
I wanna think for a while.
- It's not that big
of a deal, Alex.
It's just school.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I hear Alex Carson's
been bothering you.
[gong banging]
- Not really.
- He's just a little wimp.
[upbeat dramatic music]
- He-yah.
She's with me now, understand?
[birds chirping]
- Honey, bring me another
martini, will you?
What's this?
Ah, that's not even hot.
Why don't you run it
through another cycle?
I usually double
whatever that thing says.
- You don't microwave food
in aluminum containers, Dad.
- Oh, Alex, give me a break.
- Here, try this, it's
macaroni and cheese.
I did it two cycles.
- Ooh, now that's
good, I like the--
Now what's that
taste, it's delicate.
- Are we getting a
pool this year, Dad?
- It's melted butter, Dear.
This is Salisbury steak.
- Hey, what are you gonna wear
to that costume party tonight?
- Are we?
- [Mrs. Carson] I'll either
be a mouse or a vampire.
- I don't know, maybe.
- [Mrs. Carson] Or a witch.
- Come on, Dad, everybody
in the neighborhood
has one but us.
- Or a slug.
- You're know you're
right, you're right.
- [Mrs. Carson] Or a sperm.
- Here, we go.
A sperm?
A sperm?
A sperm, all right.
Okay, here we go.
Alex, how's the video biz going?
- Okay, I guess.
- Honey, would you bring me
a knife with a serrated edge?
- [Mrs. Carson] Is
something wrong?
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
It's a little tough, isn't it?
Oh, God.
Thank you, thank you.
Alex, you'll get used to it.
You know, it'll get into
your blood after a while,
and pretty soon, you won't
wanna do anything else.
Owning a business is one
of the most satisfying
experiences you could
ever experience.
Where you going?
- To get ready for my date.
- A date?
Really, with who?
- He and Sally are going out.
- No kidding, well
that's my boy.
I knew he'd get around
to it sooner or later.
- Honey, don't push him.
- Who's pushing,
he's 14 years old.
Hell, when I was 14--
- No, please.
- All right.
[traffic passing]
[upbeat rock music]
[door knocking]
[upbeat rock music]
[laughing]
[upbeat rock music]
[laughing]
[upbeat rock music]
[doorbell ringing]
- My God, Alex.
- Are you ready?
- Well yeah.
- Okay.
- Alex, I cannot breathe
with you sitting so close.
God, I hope we don't
get caught doing this.
- Don't sweat it.
- You think your
parents saw us leave?
- Nah.
We have to turn down
Highland Avenue.
- You were terrific, Alex.
No one has ever made
me feel that way.
- Where are we headed anyway?
- Just a place.
- Alex, are we going parking?
- Trust me.
- [Sally] God, you're
taking me to the woods.
- [Alex] You're driving.
- [Sally] You ever
been here before?
- [Alex] Me and Nicholas used
to come out here all the time.
[engine stopping]
[keys jingling]
- Alex, why are we parking
when we could be
alone at my house?
- I wanted this to be special.
You know?
Here, have a swig.
- Where'd you get it?
- It's my dad's.
[coughing]
- Raise your arms,
raise your arms.
- Ow, shit!
[coughing]
Musta gone down
the wrong windpipe.
- Here, here, here.
Can't hold your liquor, huh?
[crickets chirping]
[soft romantic music]
You know, if I wanted to
kiss you and fool around,
you wouldn't have
to get me drunk?
- The liquor's for
me, not for you.
- For you?
- Yeah.
So I have the nerve to kiss you.
- Oh, Alex.
Alex, you're getting drunk.
- So?
- Well don't get angry.
- Just take me home,
I wanna go home!
- Okay, fine,
you're drunk anyway.
- Hey, what do you care?
- Let's go.
[engine starting]
[crickets chirping]
[doorbell ringing]
- Night, Daddy.
- You know, honey, you've
made your mother and me
very happy by dating
this Schrammm boy
instead of that
garbage Richard Byers.
- Oh, Daddy, you'll
just love Ricky.
He's a scholar, athletic,
and he's president
of the Glee Club.
- Let me get the door,
I'd like to meet this boy.
- Ricky?
- Mr. White.
- I am pleased to meet you.
- Pleasure meeting you too, sir.
- Well, we've gotta
be going, Daddy.
- Well, you too
have a good time.
- Okay.
[horns honking]
[crickets chirping]
- I was thinking we could go
over to the Scoreboard Grille
and watch the Tigers game
on the big TV screen.
You know, pop some popcorn
and make an evening of it.
- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
[engine starting]
[upbeat rock music]
- [Ricky] Marilyn.
- [Richard] Jerk-off.
- Marilyn.
- God, what a doze-off.
We were gonna watch
the game [laughs].
[upbeat rock music]
- This is not a
red light, asshole.
[brakes squealing]
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Ohhhh.
Well think of
something different.
- Like what?
- Like pistachio ice cream.
- Awww.
- Oh, Alex, stand up, you
have to walk home, come on.
- Hey, what do you say
we spend the night?
Okay, okay?
- Okay fine, fine,
just keep walking.
- You will?
Really?
- Be careful now.
Ohhh.
That's right, left
foot, right foot.
Left foot, right foot,
that's right, come on.
Oh, let's go.
Left foot, that's right.
- I knew I could convince you.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, where you going?
- Home.
- Home?
You tricked me.
That wench.
[soft music]
♪ Far away
♪ I watched you til the
stars came out at night ♪
♪ How I wish that I could
hold you tight, mm-hmm ♪
♪ But it was just a dream
♪ From far away
♪ You took my heart and
soul and left me here ♪
♪ All I wanted was
to feel you near ♪
♪ I know that we
were meant to be ♪
♪ Gotta be close to you
♪ Girl, I'll be close to you
♪ My heart's open
♪ Gotta be close to you
♪ I seem to be your last
[soft music]
[man on TV shouting]
- [Man] Here, mousy, mousy.
- House payment.
Remote.
Jacuzzi.
Bill.
On clothes.
Pharmacy.
Garage addition.
And the credit card balance.
Garage additions.
Ha ha, that's power.
Phone.
And jewelry, and the
satellite station.
[mumbling]
We can do it.
- [Man On TV] Tonight on
Pastor Bob's Christian Theater,
Satan meets Jesse Helms,
following the news at 11.
- Yeah, yeah, hello.
Tell me what's the largest
size swimming pool you've got?
- How'd you get in?
- Walked.
So, how'd it go?
- Great.
- You don't seem so excited.
- [Alex] I'm hungover.
- Wow, got her drunk
and banged away, huh?
- I don't remember,
but I don't think so.
- But you got in some
soft action, didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Well, tell me the details.
- We just fooled
around a little.
- Did you get your hand on it?
- Don't drill me about it, okay?
- You didn't get any.
You didn't even try to tape it.
[sighing]
Look, man, don't feel so
bad about not scoring.
It was your first try.
Hey, try again, take
her out tonight.
- I can't, she's
working at the annual
Civitron costume party.
- [Nicholas] What
the hell is that?
- Some dippy organization
that people join.
All the town's deep pockets go.
- Hey, we gotta get that
camera from Richard's today.
Where do you wanna move it?
Don't give up so
easily on ole Sally.
Go to the party, and get her
off to the side somewhere.
- How do I do that?
- It's a costume party,
stupid, dress up.
Hey, Alex, is there a way to get
eight by 10 pictures
made from these tapes?
Huh, Alex?
- Wow, that's it!
You just solved
all our problems.
- Eight by 10s?
- No, stupid, you're going
to that costume party,
and we got a ton of work to do.
- I definitely have to
make a best-of reel.
These girls are beautiful.
- Now you go retrieve
the camera while I plan.
Well, get going, huh?
- This is a warmup number.
ODC, real new, warm
bus [screaming].
It's time for the dead thorax.
[upbeat music]
[crowd chattering]
[upbeat music]
♪ We did all the standards
♪ To ensure the less qualified
♪ Local talent was there
♪ Made it weak
♪ Headed straight for us
- Hello, Mr. Bombarger, this
is Mrs. Charles Raymond,
Margaret, I'm sorry
to bother you,
but I think we have a problem.
Yes, the band you sent
doesn't play jazz.
They play shit.
What?
Well of course I know
what I'm talking about.
I was president of the Civitron
Music Club for nine years.
Listen.
Oh.
[upbeat rock music]
[doorbell ringing]
- [Margaret] Well, come in.
[upbeat rock music]
- [Nicholas] I'm gonna get you.
- Who's in there?
- [Nicholas] It's a surprise.
- Well, okay.
[upbeat rock music]
[muffled rock music]
- Okay, men, circumcise
your watches.
- 10:19.
- 10:15.
- Right, see you later.
[muffled rock music]
[upbeat music]
♪ Boom boom, bang bang
♪ Look out, here
it comes again ♪
♪ You can't stop,
the way it flows ♪
♪ It never knows why it goes
♪ You can never take the
time to stop for one ♪
[upbeat music]
[tires squealing]
- [Jenny] Hey, buddy, watch it.
- [Richard] Hey,
come here, come here.
- Listen, I don't
work the streets.
- Hey, take it easy.
- I'm working my
way through college.
I charge an outrageous
amount because I care
and I'm the best in town.
I just do straight sex, no
S&M, no water sports, no--
- Hey, give me a break.
Let me explain, it's
not what you think.
- Are you sure?
- Trust me.
Come on.
- Okay.
♪ Would rather be there
♪ I would like to be in there
[upbeat music]
- Hurry, someone's coming.
♪ I would rather be
[chattering]
- My, a soldier.
[imitating gunfire]
And a?
- A prostitute.
- [Margaret] Right, wonderful.
Come in.
[whistling]
[upbeat music]
- Hey, the government's
got a billon dollars
of this white magic stored
away in this CD caves.
If you're gonna
survive a big blast,
you better learn
to like this stuff.
- I think you're getting
opium mixed up with cocaine.
It's opium in the CD caves.
Besides, it's not for pain
anway, it's for suicide.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Thanks anyway.
- Sure, sure.
♪ Time is free
♪ Boom boom bang bang
♪ Look out, here
it comes again ♪
[upbeat music]
[snorting]
[upbeat music]
[thudding]
- Wow, good shit.
[upbeat music]
[shouting]
[upbeat music]
[chattering]
- Thank you, dear.
Whew.
- So, um, how's business?
- It picks up during
the furniture market.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- I sold a dining room
table just the other week.
- Oh, oh, Alex, Jenny.
Jenny, uh.
- Alex.
- Yeah, right.
- Hello, Alex, nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- Excuse me, somebody's
gonna be looking for me.
- Richard?
Richard?
Richard.
- [Richard] Enemy
attack from the rear.
[chattering]
- Oh, excuse me.
- That's quite all right.
- Could you tell me
where the bathroom is?
- Right around that
corner, and then a right
and then a left and--
- Sorry, but I'm dyslexic.
I can't tell my
left from my right.
Could you show me?
- Sure.
[chattering]
- [Nicholas] Ooh, ooh.
- [Mr. White] Excuse us.
- [Nicholas] Please
cut in front of me.
- I still gotta go,
how about upstairs?
- Sure.
Sure, come on.
[upbeat music]
It's right over there.
- Thanks.
Oh, you can't leave.
I'll not find my way back.
- Okay, come on.
It's right in there.
- Now sit down.
- Frank.
- Frank, now I'm Jenny,
and I'll be just a minute.
[upbeat music]
- Uh, waiting on the john.
[upbeat music]
[chattering]
[upbeat music]
♪ Bunch of peacocks
♪ Can't take umbrage
♪ Civic duties
can be tarnished ♪
♪ Way too clean
♪ Those cities
♪ Just to be
♪ Hypnotized
- Here.
- Thanks.
- Alex, who are you taking
to the homecoming
dance next week?
- I haven't thought about it.
- Now let's take these off.
[upbeat music]
- You weren't
gonna go, were you?
- Not really.
That should work long
enough for what we need.
- If you had someone to
go with, would you go?
- Maybe.
I don't really like to dance.
Who's taking you?
- [Sally] I haven't
been asked yet.
- Really?
I heard Chuck Sugar
was taking you.
I mean, it's the most obvious.
He's a football
player, a senior.
And he probably even--
- I'm not interested
in all that.
- Hey look, I'm really
sorry about the other night,
not holding my liquor
and everything.
- Oh, that's okay.
Happens to the best of us.
- I really had a
good time, though.
- So did I.
[upbeat music]
- Hey.
I got an idea.
- What?
- Let's run away together.
- Where?
- Doesn't matter where.
- Yes it does, where?
Don't kiss me to
change the subject.
- Okay.
How about, uh
Dallas?
- It's too hot.
- New York?
- Too crowded.
- Florida?
- Too many fags and raisins.
- Where then, Marilyn, where?
- How about
Washington, DC?
- Washington, DC [laughs]?
Washington, DC?
- Well do you have
any better ideas?
- I just gave you
three good ones.
- Please, don't shout, honey.
We can't agree on
anything anymore.
Except sex.
- Yeah, well at least
we agree on something.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- Daddy!
- Jesus.
[upbeat music]
- Richard.
- Oh my God, my father.
- Did nobody tell her?
- I can't believe it.
- It's getting a
little crowded in here.
- So?
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
[pool balls breaking]
- Yeah, I guess
I'm fairly happy.
Frank's all right.
I mean, he's got his problems,
but they're not too awfully bad.
- Well sometimes it
can be a problem.
- Your shot.
- Oh right, yeah.
A real bad problem.
Hell, I'm still real
young and Frank,
he's got his mind
on other things.
- You're very
attractive, Mrs. White.
It certainly can't
be your fault.
- Well, thank you, Nicholas.
That's a very nice
thing for you to say.
- I'm a nice guy.
- Yeah.
Your shot.
[upbeat music]
- I really wish there was
some way I could help you.
- Let's go, Nick.
- Let me finish this game.
- No way, man, we're
in a real hurry.
Oh, hello, Mrs. White.
- Hello, Richard.
- Now, Nicholas.
Let's go.
- [Singer] On guitar and
sitar, Mr. Lamar Metcalfe,
the brother of Lincoln Metcalfe.
[laughing]
[engine starting]
- Wait a minute.
You almost forgot this.
- Thanks.
- Now hurry.
- Okay.
- Hey wait a minute,
how we gonna get home?
- Gosh, I don't know.
- Can you believe my ma
said this is a boring party?
- Where is my damn ride?
Wait a minute.
- I like your dress.
- Thank you.
[crickets chirping]
[horns honking]
- Jesus H. Christ, my
feet are killing me.
You kids take care of your
feet, whatever you do.
Do you realize I stand all day?
Well, nearly anyway.
- You know, you
oughta try soaking
your feet in baking soda bath.
My wife works as a clerk
down at Park and Shop.
She's gotta bathe
her feet every night.
But you got a nerve in
your foot, you know,
for every major
organ in your body.
- You're kidding?
- No, put your foot up here,
let me show you something.
Uh, right here's your whatever.
- Mm-hmm.
- And uh, this is, this is
your heart here, right there.
And then up here, that's
your lower back, right there.
- Oh, that feels good.
- You have back problems?
- Sometimes.
Hey, turn up here.
- Pretty high class,
what's your old man do?
- I live alone.
- I'll bet you do.
Up here, huh?
- Yeah, second on the right.
- This is it.
- This is for the kids.
You make sure they
get home okay.
- No problem, lady.
[phone dialing]
- Hello, Yellow Cab,
could you send a car
to 1325 Eastview Acres?
Thank you.
[horn honking]
- So I don't know
what the answer is.
If I knew what the answer
was, I would be driving
this fucking cab,
I'd be riding in it.
But I'll tell you the problem,
one of the problems is credit.
C-R-E-I-T, credit, that's one
of the problems, am I right?
- Sounds right to me.
- Yeah, well, I'll tell you,
the whole world's screwed up.
You got the lower class, they're
trying to be middle class.
Then you got the middle class,
and they're trying
to be upper class.
Everybody's going out
and buying all this stuff
and getting all this
shit they don't need
and getting way behind, they
don't know what they're doing.
You know, am I right?
- Sounds right to me.
- Yeah, well you kids are
the hope of the future.
- Yeah, but that's what your
parents said to you too.
- Hey, listen, I can
get out of this cab
anytime I want to,
I'll just stop it,
you'll be out on the street,
that's where you'll be.
That's the truth.
I serve, just like
everybody else,
just like your doctors
and your lawyers.
Where's the block?
- Oh, you turn up here
and the first light.
- Yeah.
[brakes squealing]
[engine starting]
[crickets chirping]
[Alex chuckling]
- Here you are.
[crickets chirping]
- Well, night.
[crickets chirping]
[horn honking]
- Hello, wimp.
[struggling]
- [Alex] She's mine
now, understand?
[laughing]
[gun firing]
[ball falling]
- Go ahead, make your shot.
And then I've got a
big surprise for you.
[balls colliding]
- Ooh.
Frank?
Oh.
[birds calling]
[bell tolling]
- When I say sin, you know
what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about
teenage pregnancy.
I'm talking about
juvenile delinquency.
I'm talking about
child porno-ography.
I'm talking about prayer
in public rest rooms.
I'm talking about
sexual license.
I'm talking about sex
without a license.
I'm talking about
unlawful fornication.
I'm talking about
animal husbandry.
I'm talking about
pornographic motion pictures.
I'm talking about
the filthy depths
of disgusting degradation.
And it's all right here,
in this inspirational book.
Available this week only from
the Transparent Tabernacle,
in care of this
television station.
It's a magnificent
72-page volume
in deluxe cardboard binding.
A book you'll wish you could
treasure for years to come.
And it's absolutely free.
Just 14.95 to cover
postage and handling costs.
It's a book you
won't wanna miss,
because it's been
helpful for thousands,
and that's not
counting the sales tax.
You know, our toll-free
prayer lines here
at the Transparent
Tabernacle are always ringing
with testimonials and witnesses.
Why, just yesterday,
I had a personal call
from one of our
leading citizens,
who told me how much
this book had helped him.
He had not only been
cured of his cancer,
but in just two--
[birds chirping]
- So those are our demands.
Money, plus allowing
me to finish school
here at St. Benedict's.
And not to be sent back
to Harrelson School.
- Well, I personally
wanna thank you
for what you've
done for my husband.
You've cured a long-standing
problems of his, and ours.
I don't agree with your
methods, but the end result
is positive, so I'll
overlook the reason for now.
We're both overjoyed
at his recovery.
- Really?
- Oh, but we'll
pay you for this.
- We were paying
outrageous amounts
to doctors with
no results at all.
- You're kidding.
- And we'd like to rent a
camera and a monitor on our own.
- Gladys?
- Well, it would be fun,
now wouldn't it, honey?
- Mm.
- No.
- [Mr. White On PA] Will the
students who are believed
to have participated
in the scheme to park
the giant sex organ
float in the front yard
of the St. Mary's
Girls School last night
please meet me in the gym?
[chattering]
- Do you see that?
Huh?
Do you see her bend over?
You weren't even watching.
[whistle chirping]
- That's it for today, girls.
Do you know that you're
doing a good job.
I'm very very happy with you.
- See you, Daddy.
- She give you that?
- Marilyn gave it to me.
- Man, you got it bad.
- Hey, guess where Richard
and I are eloping to
after the homecoming
dance tonight.
- Where?
- Yeah, where?
- Des Moines, Iowa.
- Des Moines, Iowa?
- Yeah.
- But that means that
Richard's gonna give up
the apartment, and I
gotta go back to the home.
- No, you idiot,
we're coming back.
We're gonna fix the
house up real nice
and we're gonna live in it.
- You mean no more roaches and
moldy plates and dirt and--
- Nope.
Look, I gotta go,
I'll see you tonight.
- Wow, great, bye.
You gonna take Sally
to the dance tonight?
- I would hope so.
I did ask her, didn't I?
- That doesn't mean
shit to Chuck Sugar.
He'll probably break both
your legs before the dance.
- We'll see.
- [Mr. White] Hello, boys.
- Oh, hello, Mr. White.
- Listen, I want
you boys to know
how happy Gladys and I are.
I can't thank you enough.
- [Nicholas] Great,
that's terrific.
- Oh, and Alex,
we'd like to rent
that camera another week, okay?
- Sure, no problem, Mr. White.
- No problem.
- [Mr. White] Great, you
boys enjoy the dance tonight.
- Bye, I'm off.
- Hey, you look great.
- Hey hey, really, ooh,
your first homecoming.
You nervous?
- Not really.
- Oh, liar.
- Drive safely.
- Did you forget something?
- I can't go out there.
- Why not?
- Chuck Sugar's out there.
If he sees me go get
Sally, he'd kill me.
- He wouldn't do that.
- He might try.
- She'd probably wind up
going with him anyway.
He's more her type.
- Hey, don't get
so fatalistic now.
If you stand up to him,
he's gonna respect you.
- He's gonna kill me.
- He's not a bad kid,
he's just dumb as hell.
You just have to know
how to handle the type.
It's all psychological.
- It's all right,
I'll go with him.
- Alex, have you gone mad?
- Oh you're right.
Oh wow, that's not the
way to go about it.
Here, you take it.
- Give me that gun.
- What are you doing?
[sighing]
[crickets chirping]
- Hey, that little
wimp's headed to his car.
- He's probably going
for some zit medicine.
[engine starting]
- Yeah, yeah, I knew
it wouldn't be him.
He doesn't have the guts.
That prick pulled
her into her drive.
- I didn't think
he had a license.
- Yeah, he got his
permit yesterday.
Watch this.
[doorbell ringing]
[engine revving]
- Sally, it's Chuck.
[engine revving]
[doors opening and closing]
- You going somewhere, wimp?
- Well, uh, I was just
going out, and, uh.
- With her?
- Her?
Oh, Sally, yeah.
You see, Chuck, I
don't think she wants
to go to the dance with you.
In fact, I don't think
she likes you very much.
- Well why don't you let
her decide that, wimp.
You really wanna go to the
dance with me, don't you?
- Well, not really.
In fact, you're blocking
my driveway right now.
- So why don't you
do what the lady says
and get your car
outta the drive?
Now, Chuck, don't cause trouble.
- Come on, wimp.
Oh, shit.
[thudding]
- You all right?
- Hey, Chuck.
[tires squealing]
- You all right?
- You were wonderful,
you were great.
Didn't you see him?
[laughing]
Oh God.
[laughing]
You were wonderful,
Alex, you were wonderful.
I am so proud of you,
I am so proud of you.
♪ Far away
♪ I watched you til the
stars came out at night ♪
♪ How I wished that I could
hold you tight, mm-hmm ♪
♪ But it was just a dream
♪ From far away
♪ You took my heart and
soul and left me here ♪
♪ All I wanted was
to feel you near ♪
♪ I know that we
were meant to be ♪
♪ Gotta get close to you
♪ Feel your real desire
♪ Gotta get close to you
♪ My heart's on fire
♪ Gotta get close to you
♪ I see no reason to be alive
♪ Love won't let me wait
♪ Forevermore
♪ I love you
♪ Forevermore
♪ I need you
♪ Forevermore
♪ I want you
♪ Forevermore
♪ Help me find a way
[soft music]
♪ Help me find a way
♪ Help me find a way
[soft music]
I wanna look one up.
- [Marilyn] What
are you looking up?
- [Sally] Voy, voyeur.
- [Marilyn] Oh, B-O-Y-Y.
- [Sally] Here it is.
- [Marilyn] Well read it.
- [Sally] Voyeur, one,
a person who habit,
habitually seeks sexual
stim, stimulation
by visual means.
Wait, there's more.
Two, a prying observer
who is usually seeking
the sordid or the scan, scan--
- [Marilyn] Scandalous.
- [Sally] Scandalous.
Three, one affected with
undue visual curiosity.
Who does that remind you of?
- [Marilyn] I don't know.
- [Sally] Alex, Alex Carson.
[crickets chirping]
- [Mrs. White] Sally, I found
the box with your drapes.
[crickets chirping]
[bell dinging]
- All right!
[soft dramatic music]
Damn!
[upbeat music]
[crickets chirping]
Ow.
[crickets chirping]
Ow.
- Hello, who's there?
Are you okay?
- [Alex] No.
- Wait and let me come help.
I know first aid.
- [Alex] Great.
[dogs barking]
- Here, let me help you.
Put your arm around my waist.
Do you think you
broke your foot?
- I'm not sure.
- Well, we'll go slower.
Are you gonna be able
to stand up okay?
- Yeah.
- Do you need some
help getting inside?
- No, no thanks.
- You were spying
on me, weren't you?
That's pretty immature.
- Are you the new girl
Marilyn was showing
around at school today?
- Uh-huh, I'm in
Mr. Keck's homeroom.
Why, do you have him?
- No, I'm only a freshman.
- Oh, that explains it.
You're still a boy.
- Oh, and you're
more mature, huh?
- Girls mature much
faster than boys.
Didn't you know that?
I mean, I'm nearly a woman.
- Really?
- Maturity isn't just
physical, dumb-ass,
but of course you
wouldn't know that,
sneaking around and
peeping on girls.
- Shh, keep your voice
down, my parents'll hear.
[crickets chirping]
- Boy, this is a
really nice house.
- Shh!
Damn.
- Wait a minute, you
can't climb on that foot.
- Are you gonna carry me?
- Well you may damage it more.
What's your name, anyway?
- Alex, Alex Carson.
- Well I'm Sally Clark,
your new neighbor.
- Well goodnight.
- Night.
Weird.
- No, no, I don't
want the smaller dish.
I want the Earth Station
Three with the amplifier.
Yes, there will be someone
here this afternoon.
C-A-R-S-O-N.
Yeah, thank you.
- Hey, Dad, are we getting a
satellite receiving station?
- Yep.
- Great.
- Dillard's Department Store
had a shoe sale yesterday.
They were all marked
down to $35 a pair,
so I bought six pairs,
saved over $150.
- [Mr. Carson]
Intercontinental's
down an eighth.
That's not good.
- That's not good.
- Signed us all up at
the Stay Fit Health Spa.
So I guess I'll have to buy new
racquetball outfits
this weekend.
- [Mr. Carson] Aw, damn.
Amalgamated Conglomerate's
dipped three-eighths.
- Pretty bad, huh?
- [Mr. Carson] Yeah, pretty bad.
- [Mrs. Carson] Take
your vitamins, boys.
- Well, Dad, just remember,
everything is cyclical.
That stock'll come
back up eventually.
Just gotta hold
out, don't panic.
That's the way everything works.
- [Reporter On Radio]
Their country paid wartime
reparations to a
major West Coast--
- You know, you
might have a point.
Honey, I think we're
gonna make a businessman
outta my son yet.
- Hey, Dad, she already
sweetened your coffee.
- It's never enough.
I'm always tired by 11 o'clock.
- Here's your lunch, Alex.
Extra jimjam.
- Thanks, Mom.
- [Reporter On Radio]
Saying that the escalating
carborundum prices continues
to demand full attention.
- Dad?
- Yes, son.
- I'd like to talk to you
about my first business.
- Sure, go ahead.
- It's like those video
cameras that are in banks,
used for surveillance
and security.
Well I've done a lot
of market research,
and I feel this area's prime.
- What's your downside?
- [Alex] Well I could
probably recover costs
in the home movie
type stuff alone.
- Alex, with your grades
as low as they are,
do you think you can afford
to run a business too?
- Sure, it's like a
hobby that'll make money.
- Make money?
- Make money?
- Sure.
- Maybe you've got
a point there, Alex.
Maybe it is time you
start your own business.
You know, when I was your age,
I already had my
own paper route.
I'd bring in sometimes
20 bucks a week.
- So you wanna invest, eh?
- [Mr. Carson] How
much do you think
you need to get started?
- Well I might just be
able to let you in on this.
But I can tell you right now,
Carson, it's gonna cost you.
Cost you big.
- [Mr. Carson] Alex, Alex?
- Huh?
- [Mr. Carson] How
much do you figure
you'll need to get started?
- About $4,000.
- Honey, will you poor
me some more coffee?
$4,000, that's a
lotta money, Alex.
I mean, I'd like to help
you get started, but
I don't know if we
could spare that much.
We've got the new garage,
the satellite station,
the new lawnmower, the
Jacuzzi, we've got the--
- The MasterCard.
- That's an
excellent idea, Alex.
- Look, I don't know.
What do you figure your
break-even point is?
- Um, six months.
- Would you agree
to pay 15% interest,
with payment on the
principal after 90 days?
- Sure.
- It's a deal.
[sighing]
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah, Cathy, this
is Alex Carson.
Will you raise my credit
card limit to 12,000 please?
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
- [Reporter On Radio] And
it's almost homecoming time
at St. Benedict's High School,
so all the school clubs
are feverishly working
on their floats
for the big parade.
[school bell ringing]
[students chattering]
- This is disgusting.
Not to mention vile, sick,
just plain perverted.
You were relatively good
for the past few months,
then you pull a stunt like this.
The people up at the home
will be ashamed of you.
What kind of a normal,
and I emphasize normal,
God-fearing young man
would derive pleasure
from passing around
pictures of his,
his genitals to a
girls' typing class?
- Hey, I just did it
as a personal favor.
- [Mr. White] Favor?
- Yeah, to some of the girls
who don't have brothers.
Hell, most girls with
brothers have bathed
with them as they grew up.
We're talking purely
educational here, sir.
- Do you have a degree
in psychology, Mr. Byers?
- No, sir.
- No, you don't.
You're just a streetwise punk.
You can't handle the
trauma that you've induced
on these young
girls who aren't yet
ready to be introduced to--
- But.
- [Mr. White] But what?
- What is the proper
introduction to the male
sex organ, Mr. White?
- In the context of a
sex education classroom
with a qualified instructor.
- We don't have sex education,
we have health class.
And besides, Miss
Barton's an old lesbian,
certainly not qualified
to instruct males--
- Listen, Mister, I
don't care what it is.
Cheating, skipping study
hall, smoking grass, whatever.
One more offense,
and it's back up
the hill to the home for you.
Do we understand each other?
- Yeah, man.
- I'm not your man.
I'm my own man, you got it?
- Yes, sir.
- I'll be watching
you, very closely.
Oh and Byers, I hope
you do screw up,
because I want you gone.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Oh hi, honey, give me those.
- Oh, Daddy, I'm not
a little girl anymore.
- That boy is sick
and the spitting image of
his older brother, Richard.
Who, I might remind you,
you are not permitted
to see ever again.
- Well I just stopped by
to tell you that I'm going
over to Rebecca's house
to practice some cheers.
- Well, just be home for supper.
I think your mother's
cooked something original.
- Hmm, no boiling bags.
[students chattering]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Came home last night
♪ Mowed the lawn
♪ Watching the TV screen
♪ And all at once,
she appears to me ♪
♪ The girl of my dreams
♪ I'm watching my video
♪ I'm watching my video
♪ Oh oh, watching my video
♪ Sure looks good to me
♪ Video
♪ Watching my video
♪ Oh, whoa
♪ Video
♪ Sure looks good to me
[upbeat rock music]
- [DJ] Back to more music
on the Mighty X Rock,
to start off three in a row.
- So you're gonna
start videotaping
instead of using
the old nocs, huh?
- Yeah, binoculars
got really old fast.
[upbeat rock music]
- You gonna start with Sally?
- Probably, why?
- I just figured she
was your main squeeze
and you'd want to.
- Squeeze, what's that?
- Your girlfriend, man.
- I just met her the
other night, Jesus.
[upbeat rock music]
- So get moving, if you
don't, somebody else will.
That's the way it is.
- [Alex] Maybe.
- [Nicholas] Maybe, she came
to rescue your dumb-ass.
- She treats me like a brother.
She ignores me when I
pass her in the hall.
- That proves it.
That's how women act.
If they ignore you, that
means that they're interested
and they're playing hard to get.
So hell, man, you're
in, you're in.
[doorbell ringing]
- What's the matter with
you today, Nicholas?
- Track injury, Mr.
Ashen, pulled a muscle.
- Well I'm glad to see
you finally joined a team.
Keep you outta trouble,
off the streets.
- Oh yes sir, I really
have enjoyed it.
[doorbell ringing]
[horn honking]
[bottle rattling]
[engine starting]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ You always want me
- [Nicholas] Hey, check
out my new stroker.
- Not another one.
Jesus, Nicholas, you're gonna
get caught one of these days.
- Not me, man.
- Oo, wee.
- Good one, huh?
- You must have the
world's most largest
collection of stroke books.
- Look at that thing.
[tires squealing]
♪ I saw how you treated
♪ A very sick brother
♪ I watched you desert him
You guys getting a
satellite station?
- Yeah, I forgot to tell you.
- Damn, you guys get everything.
- [Installer] Mister, you
wanna get hit by the rays?
- Say, does this thing
get that sex channel?
- [Installer] Move
it in, that's it.
A little bit more,
that's good, that's good.
There you go, that's good.
Look, Mister, if you just
get outta the way here,
we'll get you put together.
Otherwise, I'm liable
to fuck something up.
- Hey, here's a good
one, listen to this.
Dear Pamela, my husband
won't perform oral sex
because he says
it's a perversion.
What should I tell him?
Signed, Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated, tell
your husband there'll be
no more eating in til he
learns to eat out [laughs].
Hey, Alex, have you
ever seen one up close?
- Nah.
But I thought about it a lot.
- Thinking about
it doesn't count.
Doing it, that's what counts.
- [Alex] And I suppose you have?
- Sure.
- Who?
- I'll never tell.
- Yeah, right.
- You don't believe me?
Watch me.
Oh, yes, Nicholas, oh please.
That's the spot,
Nicholas, oh ho.
Oh please don't stop.
Oh, you're so good, oh.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Carson.
- You all right?
- Yes, ma'am, I just
pulled a muscle in my back
and I was working it out.
- Alex, have you
finished your homework?
- Yep.
- I guess I oughta be
going, Mrs. Carson.
- Yeah, he pulled
a muscle all right.
- Okay, Nicholas.
Take care of that back.
- [Alex] See you
tomorrow, Nicholas.
- Okey doke.
[crickets chirping]
- She gonna undress soon?
- Shh, be quiet, bung hole.
The window's open,
she'll hear us.
[crickets chirping]
- We're really
gonna see some, huh?
- Yeah, wait til you see her.
She's beautiful.
[upbeat jazz music]
- [Alex] Come on
back, let me see it.
Oh wow.
Okay, Sally, that's great.
Take it all off, come on.
[upbeat jazz music]
Come on back, come on back.
[humming]
[upbeat jazz music]
Wow that's it, dump the towel.
Come on, Sally,
please, dump the towel.
[upbeat jazz music]
[Pac-Man playing]
- Oh, did you see that move?
- She's beautiful,
man, beautiful.
- I wanna see the tape.
- I forgot to turn it on.
- You dumb-ass.
Lend me a dollar so I can play
Nuclear Madness again, okay?
- Man that's six bucks
you owe me, dude.
- Thanks.
- Man, when I get rolling,
I'm gonna have tapes
of the prettiest
naked girls in town.
- Hell, I could see that
at the adult bookstore.
- Not girls you know, idiot.
Speaking of girls I'd
like to see naked.
Here comes your brother's
girlfriend, Marilyn.
I bet she and Richard
do it all the time.
- Of course.
- You ever seen them?
- Nah.
- [Alex] How do you know?
- Hello, Nicholas, Alex.
- Hello, Marilyn.
- Hello, Marilyn.
- What can we do for
you today, Marilyn.
- Well I want you to
deliver a message to Richard
when he gets back in town.
Tell him that,
tell him to give
me a call, okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks a lot.
- Well I'll sure
tell him, Marilyn.
He's due in from
Baltimore any day now.
Shit, I have to get
his car back in shape
before he hits town.
- That's pretty good, Alex.
- Oh, Marilyn, Alex
has a question for you.
- Hey, no I don't, asshole.
- Yeah, he does, he does.
Go ahead, man, ask her.
- Would you knock it
off, you stupid shit?
- It's about you and Richard.
He wants to know if you,
if you, um, get it on?
- Well, what do
you mean get it on?
- You know, fool around.
- Fool around?
Be specific.
- Never mind, Marilyn.
- I'll see boys later.
Oh, Nicholas, I
like your Polaroids.
I didn't know that you and
Richard had so much in common.
- Serves you right,
you stupid shit.
[tires squealing]
- What are they doing now?
- We're adding on
to the back porch.
- Oh, so, what time tonight?
- Nine o'clock?
- Okay, boy, what
an exciting night.
See you later.
- Bye.
[engine starting]
[bird calling]
[door opening]
- Oh, Alex, I'm so
glad you stopped by.
I just can't get
my mind off of you.
[soft piano music]
[crickets chirping]
- [Woman On TV] It's my
husband, Dr. Bromley.
Ever since that accident at
the nuclear power plant--
- Hmm, lightly steamed
vegetables in a double boiler.
A double boiler?
- Be quiet, Mom, I can't
hear the soundtrack.
- That's the third
time you've seen that.
- Oh come on, it's near
the part where the girl
gets raped by the
slug from Pluto.
- My God, what garbage.
- [Man On TV] No time to
lose, take off your clothes
and put on this lead underwear.
[phone dialing]
- Damn.
[phone dialing]
[phone ringing]
- Hello.
- [Alex] Sally?
- Yes.
- [Alex] This is Alex.
- Oh hello, Alex.
- Um, listen, I was
wondering if you,
you would like to go to
the movies Friday night.
- Um, well,
well what's on?
- [Alex] I don't know,
I forgot to look.
- Well, look and then
call me back, dumb-ass.
- It's not important what's on.
[phone dialing]
[phone ringing]
- [Alex] Hello.
- Hello, Alex?
- [Alex] Yeah.
- [Sally] Hold on a second,
I've got a paper right here.
How about Revenge of the Jedi?
- Hey, that sounds good.
- Okay, how we gonna get
there, can you drive?
- [Alex] No, we
usually ride bikes.
- Mm, I didn't bring mine.
- No.
- [Sally] But listen, my
parents are out of town.
- They are?
- Yeah, and I know where
the spare keys are.
- Well that's great.
But I don't have my permit yet.
- Well, how about if I drive?
- [Alex] Great.
- Okay, what time?
- 7:30?
- Great.
- All right, well, bye.
- Bye.
[door knocking]
- Come on in.
- I did.
- Wait til you hear.
- Tell me about it.
- Hello, Marilyn, this
is Sally, guess what.
I think I've just been asked
out on Alex's first date.
- Do you think she knows
it's your first date?
- I doubt it.
- Are you nervous?
- Maybe just a little.
- Of course not.
- Do you think she knows
you're up to something?
- Sally, hell no.
- I think he's up to something,
but I can't imagine
him trying anything.
- Wow, soft action
and everything.
You are gonna try
stuff, aren't you?
- Of course.
- Who, Alex?
- How far do you think
she'll let you go?
- Maybe just a kiss.
- All the way, huh?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'll probably have
to kiss him first.
- Wow, a real date!
[crunching]
[growling]
- [Woman On TV] There's
someone at the door.
Hold the line for just
a minute, who's there?
Henry, is that you?
Henry?
[dramatic music on TV]
- Going to install a
camera for Nicholas, Mom.
I'll be back in a
couple of hours.
- When, exactly, Alex?
- 11 o'clock.
- Okay, 11 o'clock.
[screaming on TV]
[gun firing]
- Here, tighten this down.
- So you really gonna
give it a go, huh?
- Yep, I think it's about time
I got serious with ole Sal.
- Are you nervous?
- About what?
- About not knowing what to do.
- Of course not.
- Remember the signs of arousal?
- Yeah.
- What are they?
- Here, hand me
that screwdriver.
- Nipples, Alex, when they're
hard, it's a dead giveaway.
And breathing, watch
for heavy breathing.
- Uh-huh.
- How we gonna hide
the camera in the car?
- I guess I'll have to
park under a streetlight.
Hey, wait a minute.
I don't wanna tape it.
- That's the whole point
of the date, isn't it?
I mean, we already have
a dynamite strip scene.
- I don't know.
- Look, Alex, you know
you start something and--
- Can't you see
I'm busy, A-hole.
Here, hold this while
I calibrate the camera.
- All right, okay.
I'll just tell old
Sally that she's been
seen undressing
thanks to Alex here.
- Hey, you do and I'll leave you
out of any further sessions.
Go and buy your
own damn equipment.
[soft music]
- I wonder how come it is
we've both got allergies
and I can't breathe in
this place and you can.
- It's because you're
anal retentive.
- Where's your gown?
- Says her in Dear Pamela
that sleeping naked
may increase your
husband's sexual appetite.
- [Mr. Carson] Dear Pamela?
- Your son's porno magazine.
- [Mr. Carson] My God, it
looks like open-heart surgery.
- That's Lisa, porno star.
- Is Alex still out?
- Til 11.
- On a school night?
- Yeah, he's out working,
working to pay you back
for all that video
junk you bought.
- Wow, excellent.
- Alex?
- Yeah, Dad.
- Your mom found a girlie
magazine in your room today.
- What was she doing in my
room without me being here?
- Never mind that,
you wanna tell me
how you got it and if
you've got any more?
- You can get them at
any corner store, Dad.
- Alex, Alex, when
I was your age,
I never knew what a
woman looked like naked.
We felt it would
ruin sex for later.
Do you understand what I'm--
Your screen just went blank.
- It's a monitor, Dad,
and that's because
it's dark outside.
- Oh.
You know, if we were caught
with a magazine like that,
we were really ashamed.
- Why, Dad?
Everyone knows they exist.
Did you steal them?
- No.
- Well anyway, it's
Nicholas' magazine.
He left it over here.
So you have to give
it back to him.
- I don't know if I can do that.
Your mother has
already confiscated it.
- Confiscated it?
You can't confiscate someone
else's magazine, Dad.
- I guess you're right.
What if I paid him for it?
- That sounds fair enough.
- Well.
- But, Dad?
- Yeah, Son.
- When was the first time
you went out on a real date?
- What do you mean real date?
- [Alex] You know,
when important stuff
starts happening.
- You mean, when
did I fall in love?
- Not really, just
the sexual stuff.
- Oh, well, uh.
I don't know, I
was 18, 19 maybe.
- Did you go all the way?
- No.
At least not until I was
nearly through school.
- High school, right?
- [Mr. Carson] No, college.
- Okay.
Thanks a lot.
- Sure.
Alex?
- Yeah.
- Keep up the good work, eh?
Your mom and I are real
proud of you, you know that?
- Thanks a lot, Dad.
[light mysterious music]
- Sally, hold up a second.
Did you hear the rumor today?
- Which one?
- The one about
Chuck Sugar and you?
- Me?
- Yeah, Sarah Norton overheard
him say that he might
ask you to the homecoming
dance next weekend.
- You're kidding, Charles Sugar?
- No, well he's deciding
between you and Whitney Sain,
but listen, I'm late for
practice, give me a call.
- Okay.
[students chattering]
- Just remember what
Richard has always told me.
Making love is
like frying bacon.
You have to make
sure the pan is hot
before you slap the meat to it.
- My father says he wasn't
laid til he was in college.
- [Nicholas] Jesus.
- I can't remember
all this crap.
- Look, just wait 60 seconds
before each major move.
This way, you'll never rush her.
Oh, Jesus, I gotta get going.
[students chattering]
- Hey, Sally.
Mind if I walk along?
- Sure, if you want.
[soft piano music]
[traffic passing]
[doorbell ringing]
- Oh, hello, Nicholas.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Ashen.
- Gotta try one of
my hotdogs, Nick.
Got a great promotion this week.
Four for a dollar.
- Sounds great.
- Trick knee acting
up again, Nicholas?
- Yeah, sure is.
- Hold it, you little punk.
What else you been
stealing from me?
- Nothing, Mr. Ashen.
I promise, this is my
first time, honest.
- You lying shit.
You even flinch and I'll open
you up, you get it, punk?
- Yes, sir, please be careful.
Oh please, don't call
the cops, please.
Call my brother, or Mr.
White, the principal,
but not the police.
- Here, hold this on the
little punk while I dial.
- What'd he do?
- What?
- I said what did he do?
- Nothing major, really.
- Oh.
[burps] Excuse me.
[upbeat rock music]
- Y'all wanna see my radio?
- Tom, honey,
you know I've watched
every episode of Magnum PI.
I'm so excited that
you got my letter
and decided to come on over.
[phone ringing]
Oh you do?
Thanks.
You know, I got it just for you.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Yes.
Just a minute.
Daddy, telephone.
- Hello.
Yes, this is he.
Oh, well, yes, as a
matter of fact, I do.
He did?
No, don't call the police,
I'll be right over.
I can handle this.
I've got you this
time, you little shit.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ I came here with
good intentions ♪
♪ Without fear or apprehension
♪ I work hard til I'm through
♪ Because it's so hard
to get through to you ♪
♪ I'm no jester, I'm no clown
♪ I don't flinch,
I won't go down ♪
♪ For your pleasure,
for your fancy ♪
♪ I won't do tricks just
to get you dancing ♪
- Do you like my new dress?
Like my new dress?
- It's okay.
I like it.
I like it, but I can
see right through it.
- Richard, where's your table?
- Uh.
I sent it out to be refinished.
It was stained.
- Bullshit, you sold it.
Richard, you can't
keep selling off
furniture to pay your rent.
Richard.
Richard.
- Your ass is grass, baby.
- [Nicholas] Let go of me.
- You've just written
your walking papers.
You're going back to Harrelson.
[engine starting]
[light moaning and giggling]
- You don't like my dress.
- [Richard] Of course I do.
- It's been four
whole days, Richard.
I'm about to go crazy.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's get this off.
[light moaning]
[giggling]
[traffic passing]
Oh, it's your father.
It's your father, Jesus!
[laughing]
Oh, hello, Nick, Mr. White.
- Hello, Richard.
Nicholas here has
just written himself
a one-way ticket back
to Harrelson School.
I'm glad you're
here to see him off.
Look at this place,
it's disgusting.
Certainly not an
environment to bring up
a young man like Nicholas.
- Well, obviously, you
think the answer is not
love and trust but
an all-boys school.
- It straightened me out.
- That's a matter of opinion.
- I resent your attitude.
- Yeah?
Well I resent yours,
and I'd appreciate you
getting the hell
out of my house.
My brother and I
did not invite you.
- After Monday, Mr.
Byers, it won't matter.
Because I'll have no more need
to come to this side of town.
- Hey, White.
- I screwed up.
- Don't worry, Nick,
it'll work out okay.
We won't let you be
taken away again.
- [Alex] Oh wow!
- [Mr. White On PA]
Let me repeat that
for those of you on drugs.
Contrary to the rumor, the
Boys Glee Club will not,
I emphasize not, be
allowed to participate
in the homecoming
parade this Saturday
with their giant
sex organ float.
- Dear Sally, the
reason I want us to go
out tonight is because I--
I--
Dear Sally, I know I said
we would go to the movies,
but I'd like for us to go to--
Go to--
Go to--
Damn.
- Alex?
- Yes, ma'am?
- Take this and preview it
please, it's last year's
basketball game between the
students and the faculty.
- Okay, Mrs. Hatfield.
Now's a good chance
to see the tape.
- What tape?
- The tape Alex made.
- So?
- It's got T and A.
- Tits and ass, wait up.
- Now wait a minute, guys.
You guys gotta cough
up a buck each.
- I don't have to pay.
- Jerk.
- Let's go.
- Really, you're not kidding,
can you see everything?
- Shut up, watch.
- Wow.
- They're beautiful,
perfectly shaped.
Who is it?
- Oh shit.
- How did it play, Alex?
- Pretty good, Mrs. Hatfield.
- Oh that's good, would
you put it on there now
and roll it out and set
up for the convocation?
- Right away, Mrs. Hatfield.
- Thank you.
Alex, hurry up, we don't have
all day, come on, come on.
- I think if you
plugged this into here.
[microphone screeching]
It's working, it's working.
[microphone blowing]
Before we begin our
magazine drive assembly,
I have a few
announcements to make.
First, anyone caught throwing
food in the cafeteria
will be sent to study hall
and put on double probation.
Now I really mean
business this time.
Next, will all of the
students preparing to go
with H.G. Welles on the
trip to the wax museum
please meet on May Fourth, 1922.
What kind of a joke is this?
Anyone caught putting
a joke announcement in
will be suspended one
period from school
and put on double probation.
[students laughing]
And now here to introduce
this year's annual
St. Benedict High School's
magazine drive is Mr. Steptoe.
[applause]
- How many of you wanna grow up
and have your own condominium?
How many of you wanna grow up
and have your own swimming pool?
How many of you wanna grow up
and have more money than you
even know what to do with?
- Well, in order to
have all those things,
you have to know how to sell.
S-E-L, sell.
Now, we all know that
practice makes perfect, right?
I mean, you band members,
you have to practice, right?
- You athletes, you
have to practice, right?
Well, dear students, now we have
a chance to practice selling.
Now before you see all
the many wonderful prizes
you have a chance to
have just by selling
the most magazines in this
year's annual magazine drive.
But before we take the
time to explain the rules
of the drive, let's
take a look at a clip
of last year's
student-faculty game,
just to get us in the mood
and get us excited, okay?
[laughing]
- Oh shit.
[laughing]
[whistling]
[laughing]
Wait a minute, how
about the condominiums?
- Hey, how'd it go, Nick?
- Well.
I leave next week.
He woulda had me
out today, but, uh,
the right man at the
school wasn't there.
- God, I'm sorry, Nick.
Jesus.
- I had nothing to lose
by taking the blame.
I was a goner anyway.
- I feel terrible.
Don't worry, Nick, I'll get
you out of this somehow.
I promise.
- Hey, how about a
game of Tasmania?
That'll cheer us up.
Come on, let's go.
- You go ahead.
I wanna think for a while.
- It's not that big
of a deal, Alex.
It's just school.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I hear Alex Carson's
been bothering you.
[gong banging]
- Not really.
- He's just a little wimp.
[upbeat dramatic music]
- He-yah.
She's with me now, understand?
[birds chirping]
- Honey, bring me another
martini, will you?
What's this?
Ah, that's not even hot.
Why don't you run it
through another cycle?
I usually double
whatever that thing says.
- You don't microwave food
in aluminum containers, Dad.
- Oh, Alex, give me a break.
- Here, try this, it's
macaroni and cheese.
I did it two cycles.
- Ooh, now that's
good, I like the--
Now what's that
taste, it's delicate.
- Are we getting a
pool this year, Dad?
- It's melted butter, Dear.
This is Salisbury steak.
- Hey, what are you gonna wear
to that costume party tonight?
- Are we?
- [Mrs. Carson] I'll either
be a mouse or a vampire.
- I don't know, maybe.
- [Mrs. Carson] Or a witch.
- Come on, Dad, everybody
in the neighborhood
has one but us.
- Or a slug.
- You're know you're
right, you're right.
- [Mrs. Carson] Or a sperm.
- Here, we go.
A sperm?
A sperm?
A sperm, all right.
Okay, here we go.
Alex, how's the video biz going?
- Okay, I guess.
- Honey, would you bring me
a knife with a serrated edge?
- [Mrs. Carson] Is
something wrong?
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
It's a little tough, isn't it?
Oh, God.
Thank you, thank you.
Alex, you'll get used to it.
You know, it'll get into
your blood after a while,
and pretty soon, you won't
wanna do anything else.
Owning a business is one
of the most satisfying
experiences you could
ever experience.
Where you going?
- To get ready for my date.
- A date?
Really, with who?
- He and Sally are going out.
- No kidding, well
that's my boy.
I knew he'd get around
to it sooner or later.
- Honey, don't push him.
- Who's pushing,
he's 14 years old.
Hell, when I was 14--
- No, please.
- All right.
[traffic passing]
[upbeat rock music]
[door knocking]
[upbeat rock music]
[laughing]
[upbeat rock music]
[laughing]
[upbeat rock music]
[doorbell ringing]
- My God, Alex.
- Are you ready?
- Well yeah.
- Okay.
- Alex, I cannot breathe
with you sitting so close.
God, I hope we don't
get caught doing this.
- Don't sweat it.
- You think your
parents saw us leave?
- Nah.
We have to turn down
Highland Avenue.
- You were terrific, Alex.
No one has ever made
me feel that way.
- Where are we headed anyway?
- Just a place.
- Alex, are we going parking?
- Trust me.
- [Sally] God, you're
taking me to the woods.
- [Alex] You're driving.
- [Sally] You ever
been here before?
- [Alex] Me and Nicholas used
to come out here all the time.
[engine stopping]
[keys jingling]
- Alex, why are we parking
when we could be
alone at my house?
- I wanted this to be special.
You know?
Here, have a swig.
- Where'd you get it?
- It's my dad's.
[coughing]
- Raise your arms,
raise your arms.
- Ow, shit!
[coughing]
Musta gone down
the wrong windpipe.
- Here, here, here.
Can't hold your liquor, huh?
[crickets chirping]
[soft romantic music]
You know, if I wanted to
kiss you and fool around,
you wouldn't have
to get me drunk?
- The liquor's for
me, not for you.
- For you?
- Yeah.
So I have the nerve to kiss you.
- Oh, Alex.
Alex, you're getting drunk.
- So?
- Well don't get angry.
- Just take me home,
I wanna go home!
- Okay, fine,
you're drunk anyway.
- Hey, what do you care?
- Let's go.
[engine starting]
[crickets chirping]
[doorbell ringing]
- Night, Daddy.
- You know, honey, you've
made your mother and me
very happy by dating
this Schrammm boy
instead of that
garbage Richard Byers.
- Oh, Daddy, you'll
just love Ricky.
He's a scholar, athletic,
and he's president
of the Glee Club.
- Let me get the door,
I'd like to meet this boy.
- Ricky?
- Mr. White.
- I am pleased to meet you.
- Pleasure meeting you too, sir.
- Well, we've gotta
be going, Daddy.
- Well, you too
have a good time.
- Okay.
[horns honking]
[crickets chirping]
- I was thinking we could go
over to the Scoreboard Grille
and watch the Tigers game
on the big TV screen.
You know, pop some popcorn
and make an evening of it.
- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
[engine starting]
[upbeat rock music]
- [Ricky] Marilyn.
- [Richard] Jerk-off.
- Marilyn.
- God, what a doze-off.
We were gonna watch
the game [laughs].
[upbeat rock music]
- This is not a
red light, asshole.
[brakes squealing]
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Ohhhh.
Well think of
something different.
- Like what?
- Like pistachio ice cream.
- Awww.
- Oh, Alex, stand up, you
have to walk home, come on.
- Hey, what do you say
we spend the night?
Okay, okay?
- Okay fine, fine,
just keep walking.
- You will?
Really?
- Be careful now.
Ohhh.
That's right, left
foot, right foot.
Left foot, right foot,
that's right, come on.
Oh, let's go.
Left foot, that's right.
- I knew I could convince you.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, where you going?
- Home.
- Home?
You tricked me.
That wench.
[soft music]
♪ Far away
♪ I watched you til the
stars came out at night ♪
♪ How I wish that I could
hold you tight, mm-hmm ♪
♪ But it was just a dream
♪ From far away
♪ You took my heart and
soul and left me here ♪
♪ All I wanted was
to feel you near ♪
♪ I know that we
were meant to be ♪
♪ Gotta be close to you
♪ Girl, I'll be close to you
♪ My heart's open
♪ Gotta be close to you
♪ I seem to be your last
[soft music]
[man on TV shouting]
- [Man] Here, mousy, mousy.
- House payment.
Remote.
Jacuzzi.
Bill.
On clothes.
Pharmacy.
Garage addition.
And the credit card balance.
Garage additions.
Ha ha, that's power.
Phone.
And jewelry, and the
satellite station.
[mumbling]
We can do it.
- [Man On TV] Tonight on
Pastor Bob's Christian Theater,
Satan meets Jesse Helms,
following the news at 11.
- Yeah, yeah, hello.
Tell me what's the largest
size swimming pool you've got?
- How'd you get in?
- Walked.
So, how'd it go?
- Great.
- You don't seem so excited.
- [Alex] I'm hungover.
- Wow, got her drunk
and banged away, huh?
- I don't remember,
but I don't think so.
- But you got in some
soft action, didn't you?
- Yeah.
- Well, tell me the details.
- We just fooled
around a little.
- Did you get your hand on it?
- Don't drill me about it, okay?
- You didn't get any.
You didn't even try to tape it.
[sighing]
Look, man, don't feel so
bad about not scoring.
It was your first try.
Hey, try again, take
her out tonight.
- I can't, she's
working at the annual
Civitron costume party.
- [Nicholas] What
the hell is that?
- Some dippy organization
that people join.
All the town's deep pockets go.
- Hey, we gotta get that
camera from Richard's today.
Where do you wanna move it?
Don't give up so
easily on ole Sally.
Go to the party, and get her
off to the side somewhere.
- How do I do that?
- It's a costume party,
stupid, dress up.
Hey, Alex, is there a way to get
eight by 10 pictures
made from these tapes?
Huh, Alex?
- Wow, that's it!
You just solved
all our problems.
- Eight by 10s?
- No, stupid, you're going
to that costume party,
and we got a ton of work to do.
- I definitely have to
make a best-of reel.
These girls are beautiful.
- Now you go retrieve
the camera while I plan.
Well, get going, huh?
- This is a warmup number.
ODC, real new, warm
bus [screaming].
It's time for the dead thorax.
[upbeat music]
[crowd chattering]
[upbeat music]
♪ We did all the standards
♪ To ensure the less qualified
♪ Local talent was there
♪ Made it weak
♪ Headed straight for us
- Hello, Mr. Bombarger, this
is Mrs. Charles Raymond,
Margaret, I'm sorry
to bother you,
but I think we have a problem.
Yes, the band you sent
doesn't play jazz.
They play shit.
What?
Well of course I know
what I'm talking about.
I was president of the Civitron
Music Club for nine years.
Listen.
Oh.
[upbeat rock music]
[doorbell ringing]
- [Margaret] Well, come in.
[upbeat rock music]
- [Nicholas] I'm gonna get you.
- Who's in there?
- [Nicholas] It's a surprise.
- Well, okay.
[upbeat rock music]
[muffled rock music]
- Okay, men, circumcise
your watches.
- 10:19.
- 10:15.
- Right, see you later.
[muffled rock music]
[upbeat music]
♪ Boom boom, bang bang
♪ Look out, here
it comes again ♪
♪ You can't stop,
the way it flows ♪
♪ It never knows why it goes
♪ You can never take the
time to stop for one ♪
[upbeat music]
[tires squealing]
- [Jenny] Hey, buddy, watch it.
- [Richard] Hey,
come here, come here.
- Listen, I don't
work the streets.
- Hey, take it easy.
- I'm working my
way through college.
I charge an outrageous
amount because I care
and I'm the best in town.
I just do straight sex, no
S&M, no water sports, no--
- Hey, give me a break.
Let me explain, it's
not what you think.
- Are you sure?
- Trust me.
Come on.
- Okay.
♪ Would rather be there
♪ I would like to be in there
[upbeat music]
- Hurry, someone's coming.
♪ I would rather be
[chattering]
- My, a soldier.
[imitating gunfire]
And a?
- A prostitute.
- [Margaret] Right, wonderful.
Come in.
[whistling]
[upbeat music]
- Hey, the government's
got a billon dollars
of this white magic stored
away in this CD caves.
If you're gonna
survive a big blast,
you better learn
to like this stuff.
- I think you're getting
opium mixed up with cocaine.
It's opium in the CD caves.
Besides, it's not for pain
anway, it's for suicide.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Thanks anyway.
- Sure, sure.
♪ Time is free
♪ Boom boom bang bang
♪ Look out, here
it comes again ♪
[upbeat music]
[snorting]
[upbeat music]
[thudding]
- Wow, good shit.
[upbeat music]
[shouting]
[upbeat music]
[chattering]
- Thank you, dear.
Whew.
- So, um, how's business?
- It picks up during
the furniture market.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- I sold a dining room
table just the other week.
- Oh, oh, Alex, Jenny.
Jenny, uh.
- Alex.
- Yeah, right.
- Hello, Alex, nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- Excuse me, somebody's
gonna be looking for me.
- Richard?
Richard?
Richard.
- [Richard] Enemy
attack from the rear.
[chattering]
- Oh, excuse me.
- That's quite all right.
- Could you tell me
where the bathroom is?
- Right around that
corner, and then a right
and then a left and--
- Sorry, but I'm dyslexic.
I can't tell my
left from my right.
Could you show me?
- Sure.
[chattering]
- [Nicholas] Ooh, ooh.
- [Mr. White] Excuse us.
- [Nicholas] Please
cut in front of me.
- I still gotta go,
how about upstairs?
- Sure.
Sure, come on.
[upbeat music]
It's right over there.
- Thanks.
Oh, you can't leave.
I'll not find my way back.
- Okay, come on.
It's right in there.
- Now sit down.
- Frank.
- Frank, now I'm Jenny,
and I'll be just a minute.
[upbeat music]
- Uh, waiting on the john.
[upbeat music]
[chattering]
[upbeat music]
♪ Bunch of peacocks
♪ Can't take umbrage
♪ Civic duties
can be tarnished ♪
♪ Way too clean
♪ Those cities
♪ Just to be
♪ Hypnotized
- Here.
- Thanks.
- Alex, who are you taking
to the homecoming
dance next week?
- I haven't thought about it.
- Now let's take these off.
[upbeat music]
- You weren't
gonna go, were you?
- Not really.
That should work long
enough for what we need.
- If you had someone to
go with, would you go?
- Maybe.
I don't really like to dance.
Who's taking you?
- [Sally] I haven't
been asked yet.
- Really?
I heard Chuck Sugar
was taking you.
I mean, it's the most obvious.
He's a football
player, a senior.
And he probably even--
- I'm not interested
in all that.
- Hey look, I'm really
sorry about the other night,
not holding my liquor
and everything.
- Oh, that's okay.
Happens to the best of us.
- I really had a
good time, though.
- So did I.
[upbeat music]
- Hey.
I got an idea.
- What?
- Let's run away together.
- Where?
- Doesn't matter where.
- Yes it does, where?
Don't kiss me to
change the subject.
- Okay.
How about, uh
Dallas?
- It's too hot.
- New York?
- Too crowded.
- Florida?
- Too many fags and raisins.
- Where then, Marilyn, where?
- How about
Washington, DC?
- Washington, DC [laughs]?
Washington, DC?
- Well do you have
any better ideas?
- I just gave you
three good ones.
- Please, don't shout, honey.
We can't agree on
anything anymore.
Except sex.
- Yeah, well at least
we agree on something.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- Daddy!
- Jesus.
[upbeat music]
- Richard.
- Oh my God, my father.
- Did nobody tell her?
- I can't believe it.
- It's getting a
little crowded in here.
- So?
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
[pool balls breaking]
- Yeah, I guess
I'm fairly happy.
Frank's all right.
I mean, he's got his problems,
but they're not too awfully bad.
- Well sometimes it
can be a problem.
- Your shot.
- Oh right, yeah.
A real bad problem.
Hell, I'm still real
young and Frank,
he's got his mind
on other things.
- You're very
attractive, Mrs. White.
It certainly can't
be your fault.
- Well, thank you, Nicholas.
That's a very nice
thing for you to say.
- I'm a nice guy.
- Yeah.
Your shot.
[upbeat music]
- I really wish there was
some way I could help you.
- Let's go, Nick.
- Let me finish this game.
- No way, man, we're
in a real hurry.
Oh, hello, Mrs. White.
- Hello, Richard.
- Now, Nicholas.
Let's go.
- [Singer] On guitar and
sitar, Mr. Lamar Metcalfe,
the brother of Lincoln Metcalfe.
[laughing]
[engine starting]
- Wait a minute.
You almost forgot this.
- Thanks.
- Now hurry.
- Okay.
- Hey wait a minute,
how we gonna get home?
- Gosh, I don't know.
- Can you believe my ma
said this is a boring party?
- Where is my damn ride?
Wait a minute.
- I like your dress.
- Thank you.
[crickets chirping]
[horns honking]
- Jesus H. Christ, my
feet are killing me.
You kids take care of your
feet, whatever you do.
Do you realize I stand all day?
Well, nearly anyway.
- You know, you
oughta try soaking
your feet in baking soda bath.
My wife works as a clerk
down at Park and Shop.
She's gotta bathe
her feet every night.
But you got a nerve in
your foot, you know,
for every major
organ in your body.
- You're kidding?
- No, put your foot up here,
let me show you something.
Uh, right here's your whatever.
- Mm-hmm.
- And uh, this is, this is
your heart here, right there.
And then up here, that's
your lower back, right there.
- Oh, that feels good.
- You have back problems?
- Sometimes.
Hey, turn up here.
- Pretty high class,
what's your old man do?
- I live alone.
- I'll bet you do.
Up here, huh?
- Yeah, second on the right.
- This is it.
- This is for the kids.
You make sure they
get home okay.
- No problem, lady.
[phone dialing]
- Hello, Yellow Cab,
could you send a car
to 1325 Eastview Acres?
Thank you.
[horn honking]
- So I don't know
what the answer is.
If I knew what the answer
was, I would be driving
this fucking cab,
I'd be riding in it.
But I'll tell you the problem,
one of the problems is credit.
C-R-E-I-T, credit, that's one
of the problems, am I right?
- Sounds right to me.
- Yeah, well, I'll tell you,
the whole world's screwed up.
You got the lower class, they're
trying to be middle class.
Then you got the middle class,
and they're trying
to be upper class.
Everybody's going out
and buying all this stuff
and getting all this
shit they don't need
and getting way behind, they
don't know what they're doing.
You know, am I right?
- Sounds right to me.
- Yeah, well you kids are
the hope of the future.
- Yeah, but that's what your
parents said to you too.
- Hey, listen, I can
get out of this cab
anytime I want to,
I'll just stop it,
you'll be out on the street,
that's where you'll be.
That's the truth.
I serve, just like
everybody else,
just like your doctors
and your lawyers.
Where's the block?
- Oh, you turn up here
and the first light.
- Yeah.
[brakes squealing]
[engine starting]
[crickets chirping]
[Alex chuckling]
- Here you are.
[crickets chirping]
- Well, night.
[crickets chirping]
[horn honking]
- Hello, wimp.
[struggling]
- [Alex] She's mine
now, understand?
[laughing]
[gun firing]
[ball falling]
- Go ahead, make your shot.
And then I've got a
big surprise for you.
[balls colliding]
- Ooh.
Frank?
Oh.
[birds calling]
[bell tolling]
- When I say sin, you know
what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about
teenage pregnancy.
I'm talking about
juvenile delinquency.
I'm talking about
child porno-ography.
I'm talking about prayer
in public rest rooms.
I'm talking about
sexual license.
I'm talking about sex
without a license.
I'm talking about
unlawful fornication.
I'm talking about
animal husbandry.
I'm talking about
pornographic motion pictures.
I'm talking about
the filthy depths
of disgusting degradation.
And it's all right here,
in this inspirational book.
Available this week only from
the Transparent Tabernacle,
in care of this
television station.
It's a magnificent
72-page volume
in deluxe cardboard binding.
A book you'll wish you could
treasure for years to come.
And it's absolutely free.
Just 14.95 to cover
postage and handling costs.
It's a book you
won't wanna miss,
because it's been
helpful for thousands,
and that's not
counting the sales tax.
You know, our toll-free
prayer lines here
at the Transparent
Tabernacle are always ringing
with testimonials and witnesses.
Why, just yesterday,
I had a personal call
from one of our
leading citizens,
who told me how much
this book had helped him.
He had not only been
cured of his cancer,
but in just two--
[birds chirping]
- So those are our demands.
Money, plus allowing
me to finish school
here at St. Benedict's.
And not to be sent back
to Harrelson School.
- Well, I personally
wanna thank you
for what you've
done for my husband.
You've cured a long-standing
problems of his, and ours.
I don't agree with your
methods, but the end result
is positive, so I'll
overlook the reason for now.
We're both overjoyed
at his recovery.
- Really?
- Oh, but we'll
pay you for this.
- We were paying
outrageous amounts
to doctors with
no results at all.
- You're kidding.
- And we'd like to rent a
camera and a monitor on our own.
- Gladys?
- Well, it would be fun,
now wouldn't it, honey?
- Mm.
- No.
- [Mr. White On PA] Will the
students who are believed
to have participated
in the scheme to park
the giant sex organ
float in the front yard
of the St. Mary's
Girls School last night
please meet me in the gym?
[chattering]
- Do you see that?
Huh?
Do you see her bend over?
You weren't even watching.
[whistle chirping]
- That's it for today, girls.
Do you know that you're
doing a good job.
I'm very very happy with you.
- See you, Daddy.
- She give you that?
- Marilyn gave it to me.
- Man, you got it bad.
- Hey, guess where Richard
and I are eloping to
after the homecoming
dance tonight.
- Where?
- Yeah, where?
- Des Moines, Iowa.
- Des Moines, Iowa?
- Yeah.
- But that means that
Richard's gonna give up
the apartment, and I
gotta go back to the home.
- No, you idiot,
we're coming back.
We're gonna fix the
house up real nice
and we're gonna live in it.
- You mean no more roaches and
moldy plates and dirt and--
- Nope.
Look, I gotta go,
I'll see you tonight.
- Wow, great, bye.
You gonna take Sally
to the dance tonight?
- I would hope so.
I did ask her, didn't I?
- That doesn't mean
shit to Chuck Sugar.
He'll probably break both
your legs before the dance.
- We'll see.
- [Mr. White] Hello, boys.
- Oh, hello, Mr. White.
- Listen, I want
you boys to know
how happy Gladys and I are.
I can't thank you enough.
- [Nicholas] Great,
that's terrific.
- Oh, and Alex,
we'd like to rent
that camera another week, okay?
- Sure, no problem, Mr. White.
- No problem.
- [Mr. White] Great, you
boys enjoy the dance tonight.
- Bye, I'm off.
- Hey, you look great.
- Hey hey, really, ooh,
your first homecoming.
You nervous?
- Not really.
- Oh, liar.
- Drive safely.
- Did you forget something?
- I can't go out there.
- Why not?
- Chuck Sugar's out there.
If he sees me go get
Sally, he'd kill me.
- He wouldn't do that.
- He might try.
- She'd probably wind up
going with him anyway.
He's more her type.
- Hey, don't get
so fatalistic now.
If you stand up to him,
he's gonna respect you.
- He's gonna kill me.
- He's not a bad kid,
he's just dumb as hell.
You just have to know
how to handle the type.
It's all psychological.
- It's all right,
I'll go with him.
- Alex, have you gone mad?
- Oh you're right.
Oh wow, that's not the
way to go about it.
Here, you take it.
- Give me that gun.
- What are you doing?
[sighing]
[crickets chirping]
- Hey, that little
wimp's headed to his car.
- He's probably going
for some zit medicine.
[engine starting]
- Yeah, yeah, I knew
it wouldn't be him.
He doesn't have the guts.
That prick pulled
her into her drive.
- I didn't think
he had a license.
- Yeah, he got his
permit yesterday.
Watch this.
[doorbell ringing]
[engine revving]
- Sally, it's Chuck.
[engine revving]
[doors opening and closing]
- You going somewhere, wimp?
- Well, uh, I was just
going out, and, uh.
- With her?
- Her?
Oh, Sally, yeah.
You see, Chuck, I
don't think she wants
to go to the dance with you.
In fact, I don't think
she likes you very much.
- Well why don't you let
her decide that, wimp.
You really wanna go to the
dance with me, don't you?
- Well, not really.
In fact, you're blocking
my driveway right now.
- So why don't you
do what the lady says
and get your car
outta the drive?
Now, Chuck, don't cause trouble.
- Come on, wimp.
Oh, shit.
[thudding]
- You all right?
- Hey, Chuck.
[tires squealing]
- You all right?
- You were wonderful,
you were great.
Didn't you see him?
[laughing]
Oh God.
[laughing]
You were wonderful,
Alex, you were wonderful.
I am so proud of you,
I am so proud of you.
♪ Far away
♪ I watched you til the
stars came out at night ♪
♪ How I wished that I could
hold you tight, mm-hmm ♪
♪ But it was just a dream
♪ From far away
♪ You took my heart and
soul and left me here ♪
♪ All I wanted was
to feel you near ♪
♪ I know that we
were meant to be ♪
♪ Gotta get close to you
♪ Feel your real desire
♪ Gotta get close to you
♪ My heart's on fire
♪ Gotta get close to you
♪ I see no reason to be alive
♪ Love won't let me wait
♪ Forevermore
♪ I love you
♪ Forevermore
♪ I need you
♪ Forevermore
♪ I want you
♪ Forevermore
♪ Help me find a way
[soft music]
♪ Help me find a way
♪ Help me find a way
[soft music]