George Lopez: Tall, Dark & Chicano (2009) - full transcript

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[SIRENS BLARING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

LIVE FROM SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS,

HE'S TALL, DARK, AND CHICANO.

PLEASE WELCOME GEORGE LOPEZ!

[**]

[CROWD CHEERING]

* ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER *

* THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER *

[INAUDIBLE]



* LOW RIDER
DRIVES A LITTLE SLOWER *

* LOW RIDER
IS A REAL GOER *

* HEY

* LOW RIDER
KNOWS EVERY STREET, YEAH *

* LOW RIDER
IS THE ONE TO MEET, YEAH *

[CROWD CHEERING]

LOPEZ:
ÓRALE!

ÓRALE!

Crowd:
ÓRALE!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[CROWD CHEERING]

LET THEM HEAR YOU, EVERYBODY,
WATCHING HBO ALL OVER THE WORLD!

LET 'EM HEAR YOU, SAN ANTONIO!

ÓRALE!



ÓRALE!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I JUST SAID THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT.

I FEEL THE RACIAL DIVIDE
CLOSING AS I SPEAK.

LOOK AT THAT GIRL.

"LET'S GO, MADISON. THIS IS
HOW THE SWINE FLU STARTED."

I SOLD THIS MOTHERFUCKER OUT!

[CROWD CHEERING]

14,000 PEOPLE!

IN A DOWN ECONOMY!

I SOLD THIS MOTHERFUCKER OUT!

IN A DOWN ECONOMY!

IF YOU GOT 14,000 PEOPLE
TO PAY TO SEE ONE MEXICAN,

THAT'S NOT A DOWN ECONOMY.

THAT'S LATINO TIME.

"LET'S GO, MADISON.
I'M SERIOUS."

I WANT TO CONGRATULATE
SONIA SOTOMAYOR,

THE FIRST LATINA
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE

OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA!

THAT SHIT'S GONNA GET DEEP.

I'M A WISE LATINO.

SHE'S A WISE LATINA.

GOOD LUCK GETTING HER
TO WEAR BLACK EVERY DAY.

"I WEAR BLACK, BUT I'M NOT GONNA
ZIP IT TO THE TOP.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I GOT NICE ONES.

I CAN STILL ROLL WITH A LITTLE
CLEAVAGE, I CAN TELL YOU."

TO THE REPUBLICANS
WHO VOTED NAY,

31 OF YOU...

WHO VOTED AGAINST
SONIA SOTOMAYOR,

TWO FROM THE STATE OF TEXAS...

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

KAY BAILEY HUTCHISON,
LA CABRONA.

TWO FROM THE GREAT STATE
OF NEVADA, NEGATIVE,

AND TWO FROM ARIZONA,
INCLUDING JOHN MCCAIN.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

TO ALL OF YOU WHO VOTED NO,

I'D LIKE TO TAKE
THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO SAY FUCK YOU PUTOS.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

YOU WILL NEVER GET
THE LATINO VOTE NOW.

YOU'RE FUCKED.

LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE.
THEY WILL NOT VOTE FOR YOU.

TELL THEM
YOU WILL NOT VOTE FOR THEM.

[CROWD CHEERING]

YOU WON'T WIN
A PIE EATING CONTEST

WITHOUT THE LATINO VOTE.

"I THOUGHT YOU HAD
THE BEST LEMON MERINGUE."

"I DID,
BUT THAT SON OF A BITCH

MADE A FRITO PIE
AND KICKED ME RIGHT OUT."

I'M GOING TO SCARE EVERYONE
TONIGHT.

[CROWD CHEERING]

THIS IS A GOOD WEEK
FOR LATINOS.

A LIVE HBO SPECIAL
BY A MEXICAN-AMERICAN CHICANO.

LIVE!

AND I'M NOT SCARED.

A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
WHO IS LATINA!

TWO.

AND CASH FOR CLUNKERS.

I'M SO EXCITED
I CAN'T GET IT OUT.

AND CASH FOR CLUNKERS.

THIS IS A MAGICAL WEEK
FOR LATINOS.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS.

IF THERE'S ANYONE
THAT CAN TURN A CAR

INTO A CLUNKER LIKE THAT...

IMAGINE ALL THE SPACE
OUR DRIVEWAYS WILL HAVE

NOW THAT THE CLUNKERS--

"WHERE'S YOUR DRUNK-ASS UNCLE
GOING TO SLEEP?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S NOT GOING TO SLEEP
IN THE CLUNKER."

IT IS TIME THAT WE PUT
SOME THINGS ON NOTICE, REALLY.

I MEAN,
WE'RE TOO PROUD A PEOPLE

TO GET BLAMED
FOR THE SWINE FLU

AND BAD WEATHER-- EL NINO.

THAT'S JUST RAIN.
THAT AIN'T LATINO-RELATED.

IF IT RAINS A LOT, EL NINO.

IF IT RAINS MORE, LA NINA.

THEY DON'T DO THAT
TO ANY OTHER CULTURE.

THEY DON'T DO IT
TO THE AFRICAN-AMERICANS

BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO PROUD

AND THEY WOULD STAND UP
AND SAY SOMETHING,

AND WE NEED TO DO THAT.
WE NEED TO SAY, "NO MORE."

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN
WATCHING CNN

AND HEARD THAT EL NEGRO
WAS COMING.

[CROWD CHEERING]

FUCKIN' WIND WHIPPING.

[BLOWING INTO MIC]

"I SMELL KOOL-AID.

TIA!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

GET OUT OF HERE!"

THEY'RE INTERVIEWING PEOPLE.
"WHAT DID EL NEGRO DO TO YOU?"

"FUCK, IT TOOK MY CHAIN."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

NO MORE.

AS LONG AS I'M ALIVE, A TORTILLA
WILL ALWAYS BE A TORTILLA.

IT CAN NEVER BE FLATBREAD.
THAT'S BULLSHIT.

A TORTILLA
WILL ALWAYS BE A TORTILLA.

IT WILL NEVER BE FLATBREAD.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T MAKE IT,
MOTHERFUCKERS, DON'T CHANGE IT.

"LET'S JUST MAKE A CROISSANT,
HEATHER."

AS LONG AS I'M ALIVE,

A BURRITO
WILL ALWAYS BE A BURRITO.

IT CAN'T BE A WRAP.

IT'S GOT TO BE A BURRITO.

AND A REAL ONE, THAT MAKES YOU
FART WHILE YOU'RE CHEWING.

[MIMICS FARTING]

"I MIGHT EAT OVER HERE.

I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO BAPTIZE THE BABY."

IF THERE'S ONE THING
ABOUT REAL MEXICAN FOOD,

IT REMINDS YOU THAT
YOUR HEART AND YOUR ASSHOLE

CAN HAVE SEPARATE PULSES.

YOU CAN BE ALL...

[MIMICS FARTING AND HEARTBEATS]

"THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN RHYTHM.

I CAN'T EVEN CLEAN MYSELF--

HEY, LET'S GET THE HAIR DRYER."

A REAL BURRITO.

NOT A MCDONALD'S
BREAKFAST BURRITO.

"OH, MY GOD,
I HEAR THEY'RE FANTASTIC."

IT'S THAT BIG.

WHERE HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A BURRITO THAT BIG?

THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT
MCCACA. HOW ABOUT THAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY
THE NEW MC--

NO. I'M GOOD.

DON'T BASTARDIZE OUR CULTURE.

IT'S TOO PROUD.

[CROWD CHEERING]

LEAVE US ALONE!

WE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
LEAVE US ALONE.

YOU DON'T THINK WE SPEAK
ENGLISH? WE SPEAK ENGLISH.

WE SPEAK SPANISH BECAUSE
WE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GOOGLE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
TOMA."

GOOGLE.

YOU WALK UP TO US, "HI, DO YOU
KNOW WHAT TIME THE MOVIE--"

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"I DON'T KNOW NOSHING.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I--I CAN'T TALK TO MOUSE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, HANG ON.
I CAN'T TALK...

I CANNOT TALK TOO MUCH TO YOU."

NOW CORPORATE AMERICA
HAS MADE

A FLAT BOTTOM TACO SHELL

BECAUSE APPARENTLY
SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO LAZY

TO PICK IT UP
FROM THE FUCKING SIDE.

PICK IT UP, YOU LAZY CABRON.
PICK IT UP!

"MOM, HOW COME MY TACO IS NOT
STANDING UP WAITING FOR ME?

I'M NOT GOING TO EAT IT."

CHANGE THE NAMES
OF THE RESTAURANTS.

APPARENTLY, THERE'S
AN IMMIGRATION PROBLEM

IN THE UNITED STATES. I DON'T
THINK IT'S A PROBLEM, BUT...

LOU DOBBS APPARENTLY THINKS
IT'S SUCH A PROBLEM

HE DEVOTES EVERY ONE
OF HIS SHOWS TO IMMIGRATION.

LOU DOBBS FROM CNN.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

HE'S MARRIED TO A LATINA.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTROL
YOURS, DON'T THROW US ALL OUT.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, VATO.

JUST BECAUSE SHE TALKS BACK,
DON'T THROW US OUT.

ALL OF THE RESTAURANTS
THAT HAVE BORDER IN THE TITLE

SHOULD BE PICKETED BY LATINOS.

ON THE BORDER, THE BORDER GRILL,
THE BORDER CAFE.

ON THE RIO.

GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM
GRILL.

AGAIN, THEY DON'T DO IT
TO BLACK PEOPLE,

ALTHOUGH SOUPLANTATION
IS PRETTY CLOSE.

THAT'S GACHO, IF YOU ASK ME.

SOUPLANTATION.

"YOUR MINESTRONE, SIR."

THEY DON'T DO IT
TO WHITE PEOPLE.

HAVE YOU SEEN CRACKER BARREL?
OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH, THEY GOT...

YOU CAN'T SCARE
ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE, THOUGH.

"I'M FROM LAVERNIA, TEXAS,
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'M FROM LAVERNIA.

* AND I'M PROUD
TO BE AN AMERICAN *

* AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE

* CAN SOMEONE
GET THESE MEXICANS *

* THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

WE'RE TOO PROUD.

OUR FOOD IS TOO GOOD.

WE RAISE OUR KIDS TOUGH,
SO WE ARE UNAFRAID.

WE HAVE NO FEAR.

NOT LIKE KIDS NOW.
"OH, I'M SCARED, MOM."

THEY GOT CHIPS IN THEIR NECK.

THEY CAN'T LEAVE THE YARD.
"OH, MY GOD!"

AMBER ALERT, AMBER ALERT.

WE USED TO GO MISSING
FOR THREE DAYS,

AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE
GIVEN A SHIT ABOUT US.

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK.

"IT'S QUIET.
I DON'T CARE WHERE HE IS.

IT'S QUIET. I DON'T WANT HIM.
I GOT FIVE KIDS.

I'LL MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE SIX."

MINGLE, MINGLE, INTERTWINE.

IT'S THE NAMES
THAT WE'RE GIVING THESE KIDS

THAT'S MAKING THEM PUSSIES.

TANNER.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

APPLE.

"MANZANA, GET OVER HERE!"
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

BRYCE.

"BRYCE!"

SKYLER, SEQUOIA.

AUSTIN, PHOENIX, DALLAS.
WHAT THE...?

YOU DON'T SEE MEXICANS
DOING THAT. "GUADALAJARA?

GET OVER HERE.
GUADALAJARA?"

"CALIENTE, GO AND GET DRESSED."

WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?

[CROWD CHEERING]

CHANCE. CHANCE.

CHANCE.
A KID NAMED CHANCE.

YOU COULD NOT NAME
A LATINO KID CHANCE.

"HOW COME MY NAME IS CHANCE?"

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE MINE.

I THOUGHT THERE WAS A CHANCE
THAT YOU WEREN'T.

'CAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD,
I PULLED OUT THAT NIGHT.

I PULLED IT OUT.
I PULLED IT OUT.

BUT YOUR MOM PULLED ME BACK IN.

SHE WAS BIGGER THAN ME
AND SHE GOT ME.

SO ALL MY NIGHT JUICE CAME OUT.

AND SHE WAS BIGGER THAN ME.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

THAT'S WHY I SHAVED MY PUBES,
BECAUSE SHE GOT ME LIKE THAT."

REAL NAMES--

FRANK,

ROBERTO,

FELIX.

FUCKING RALPH.

I HAD A FRIEND NAMED RALPH,
WE CALLED HIM FUCKING RALPH.

NOBODY EVER CALLED HIM RALPH.

"FUCKING RALPH, LET'S GO."

EVEN MY GRANDMOTHER.
"WHO'S GOING TO THE MOVIES?

YOU AND FUCKING RALPH
AND WHO ELSE?"

THEY'D CALL HIS NAME,
HE WOULDN'T EVEN TURN AROUND.

"RALPH MENDOZA, PLEASE COME TO
THE FRONT DESK, RALPH MENDOZA."

"FUCKING RALPH, THEY WANT YOU."
OH.

I'M FUCKING RALPH MENDOZA,
HELLO.

WE WEREN'T AFRAID OF THE DARK
LIKE KIDS NOW.

AFRAID OF THE DARK.

"MOM, CAN YOU LEAVE MY HIGH
SCHOOL MUSICAL NIGHT LIGHT ON?"

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"THE LIGHT FROM ZAC EFRON
COMFORTS ME."

WE COULD HAVE NEVER ASKED OUR
PARENTS TO LEAVE THE LIGHT ON.

"HEY, MA..."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"ASK HER." "SHH."

"I'M SCARED OF THE DARK."
"ME TOO, STUPID. SHUT UP.

HEY, MA, CAN YOU--
CAN YOU LEAVE THE LIGHT ON?

"CAN YOU LEAVE THE LIGHT ON?

ARE YOU PAYING THAT BILL?

[CROWD CHEERING]

ARE YOU PAYING THAT BILL?

WHEN YOU PAY THAT BILL, YOU CAN
LEAVE ALL THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

AND THEN YOU GET BITCHED OUT
IN TWO LANGUAGES.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"WHEN YOU PAY THAT BILL,
YOU CAN LEAVE ALL--

YOU THINK IT'S DARK RIGHT NOW,
I'LL MAKE IT PITCH...

YOU THINK I'M PLAYING?

AND I'M ON MY PERIOD,
SO I'M STRONGER."

UHH...

"GO TO SLEEP!"

AND IN THOSE DAYS,
KOTEX WERE HUGE, MAN.

THEY LOOKED LIKE FUTONS.
THEY WERE THE BIGGEST...

IT CHANGED THE WAY THEY WALKED.

EVEN THE FARTS WERE MUFFLED.

[MIMICS MUFFLED FART]

THEY'D DROP IT...

THOSE WEREN'T MATTRESSES
ON THE SIDE OF THE FREEWAY,

THOSE WERE TAMPONS.

NOW, YOU SEE,
TAMPONS ARE LITTLE.

THEY GOT LITTLE STRINGS,
LITTLE APPLICATOR.

YOU CAN GO ON WITH YOUR DAY.

DIFFERENT.

AND PARENTS WANT TO BE FRIENDS
WITH THEIR KIDS.

THAT'S WHERE YOU GO WRONG.

YOU TRY TO BE FRIENDS!

I HATED MY GRANDFATHER,

I HATED MY GRANDMOTHER,

AND I THINK I TURNED OUT OK.

[CROWD CHEERING]

HATED THEM!

RESPECTED THEM, BUT HATED THEM.

ONE DIED IN 1988,
AND ONE WILL NOT DIE FOR SHIT!

"I'M PAYING ALL THE BILLS.
LET YOURSELF GO!"

THEY GIVE THEIR KIDS CHOICES.
WE DIDN'T HAVE CHOICES.

WHATEVER YOUR PARENTS SAID
WAS WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

[CROWD CHEERING]

WE DIDN'T HAVE SHIT LIKE,

"MASON?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

DO YOU WANT KUNG FU PANDA
ON BLU-RAY OR DVD?"

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

THESE WERE OUR CHOICES,
"GET IN THE CAR

OR I'LL GET YOUR ASS
IN THE CAR.

I'M STILL ON MY PERIOD.
TRY IT."

AFRAID.
WE WEREN'T AFRAID.

ON HALLOWEEN, WE DIDN'T NEED
PARENTAL SUPERVISION.

WE DIDN'T NEED TO WEAR
REFLECTIVE VESTS

AND HAVE OUR MOM WAIT
AT THE DRIVEWAY

WITH A FLASHLIGHT
WITH A PUMPKIN AT THE END.

"AVERY, I'M AT THE END
OF THE BLOCK, OVER."

WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING LATE.

8:15, 9:15, ALMOST WHEN
ALL THE CANDY WAS GIVEN OUT.

AND WE LOOKED FOR THE KID
WITH THE MOST CANDY.

THAT'S HOW WE GOT OUR CANDY.

YOU'D BE LOOKING--
"OH, SHIT,

THE VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE,
THE VAMPIRE."

"LOOK AT ALL THE CANDY I GOT."

"TAKE IT TO MY TIAS,
WE'LL DIVIDE IT."

[CROWD CHEERING]

WE DON'T HAVE TWO WEEKS TO SIT
IN FRONT OF BEST BUY

WAITING FOR THE NEW PLAYSTATION.

WE WORK.
WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.

BUT THE DAY THEY COME OUT,
WE GET ONE JUST LIKE YOU DO.

BECAUSE WE WAIT FOR YOU
TO GET YOURS.

"OH, MY GOD!"

"I FORGOT THE GAMES."

IF A KID IS AFRAID,
THEY TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING

THAT MAKES THEM AFRAID
IN THE HOUSE.

FIRST OF ALL, THEY BABY PROOF
EVERY HOUSE NOW.

YOU CAN'T GET IN. YOU CAN'T--
"CAN I GET A SEVEN UP?"

"YES, 34-6...

DON'T LET RILEY SEE, PLEASE."

WE DIDN'T HAVE
A BABY PROOF HOUSE.

SOMETIMES A 2-YEAR-OLD
WITH A HAMMER

WOKE YOUR ASS UP FROM A NAP.

"GET HIM! GET HIM!

SON OF A BITCH,
HE WENT UNDER THE COUCH.

GET THE WINDEX. I'LL
GET HIM OUT. GET THE WINDEX."

"AHHH!"

"GET OUT OF THERE!"

IF THEY'RE AFRAID OF DOGS,
YOU TAKE THE DOGS AWAY.

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

"ARE YOU AFRAID OF DOGS?"

"CAN YOU EITHER PUT THAT DOG
AWAY OR PUT HIM DOWN?

TWO THINGS."

US, WE'RE WALKING...

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"I DON'T WANT TO STAY.

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

I'M SCARED OF DOGS."

"YOU'RE SCARED OF DOGS?

HOLD HIM.

HOLD HIM. HOLD HIM."

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

"AAH!"

"PET HIM! PET HIM!

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN.
THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN.

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

GIVE HIM A KISS.
GIVE HIM A KISS."

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

NO KID WILL EVER DROWN NOW

WITH ALL THE SHIT
THEY WEAR TO SWIM.

AN AIR VEST,

FLOATIES,

AN AIR HELMET

WITH A SHIP TO SHORE
WALKIE TALKIE.

"MOM, CAN I HAVE
A JUICE BOX? OVER."

"SURE, BROOKLYN. OVER."

"UM, CAN I HAVE A CHEESE STICK?
THANK YOU, OVER."

US, "HOW COME
YOU'RE NOT SWIMMING?"

"I'M ON MY PERIOD."

"YOU'RE A BOY.
COMO ON YOUR PERIOD?

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT SWIMMING?"

"I DON'T KNOW HOW."
"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW?

LEARN!"

[GURGLING]

"THROW IN THE DOG."
EEK! AAH!

"I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T KNOW--

WHAT IS THAT, MICHAEL PHILLIPS?

PHILLIPS?

I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.
THE MARIJUANA."

[CROWD CHEERING]

SMOKED WEED, GOT BUSTED.
ALLOWED TO KEEP HIS JOB.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

WE TEST POSITIVE,
WE LOSE OUR JOBS.

WHY, BECAUSE HE CAN SWIM?

YOU THINK YOU CAN SWIM,
MOTHERFUCKER?

SWIM WITH SUITCASES,
FULLY DRESSED,

WITH A 16-MONTH-OLD
AROUND YOUR NECK, MOTHERFUCKER,

THAT WILL IMPRESS ME.

YOU WANT TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL?
SWIM LIKE THAT.

[CHOKES]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

THANK GOD HE CAN SWIM, BECAUSE
HE'S UGLY DRY. YOU SEEN HIM?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"GET SOME CANDY,
ONE OF THE MONSTERS IS HERE.

GET SOME CANDY."

RAISE YOUR KIDS TO BE TOUGH.
YOU WILL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED.

WE'RE TOUGH.

LISTEN, THERE WERE SEXUAL
PREDATORS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

THEY DIDN'T FUCK US.

BECAUSE WE PLAYED OUTSIDE.

WE WALKED TO SCHOOL,
WE FOUGHT AND GAVE HEADLOCKS

AND KNOCKED EACH OTHER OUT.

YOU THINK SOMEBODY IN THE VAN
WAS GOING TO SCARE US

WALKING IN THIRD GRADE
TO SCHOOL?

[MIMICS CAR HORN]

[CROWD CHEERING]

"COME ON, PUTO,
GET OUT OF THE VAN.

YOU WANT SOME DICK?
COME AND GET IT.

COME ON.

* BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY
EVERYBODY WANTS MY *

* BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY

COME ON, PUTO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WANT IT.
IT'S DIRTY, BUT COME ON."

FEARLESS.

AND NOW YOU CAN'T TOUCH A KID

BECAUSE THEY'LL CALL
CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES.

"CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES."

"YES, MY FATHER
JUST ASSAULTED ME.

MALE CAUCASIAN. YOU'RE
IN TROUBLE, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

MALE CAUCASIAN.
YES.

FROM LAVERNIA, TEXAS, YES.

HE VOTED NAY AGAINST SOTOMAYOR.
GET OVER HERE."

THEY WOULD HIT US TO SEE
IF WE'D CRACK-- IT WAS A GAME.

"STAND RIGHT THERE."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"OK, GO PLAY.

I TOLD YOU HE DON'T CRY.

THREE PUTASOS
AND NOT A WET EYE.

TAKE A DOLLAR OUT OF MY WALLET,
YOU DESERVE IT.

AND SOME KLEENEX."

MY GRANDMOTHER
SMACKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

AND WOULD DARE ME TO CALL 911.

"CALL THEM.

I'M RIGHT HERE.
CALL THEM.

I'LL DIAL THE PHONE.
I WILL DIAL THE PHONE."

"911 EMERGENCY."

"TELL THEM!"

"MY GRANDMOTHER JUST SMACKED ME
IN MY FACE."

"TELL THEM WHY."

"BECAUSE I'M STUPID,
THAT'S WHY."

"WHAT DID HE SAY?"

FEARLESS.
WE PLAYED OUTSIDE.

WE GOT SCABS.
NO KIDS GET SCABS.

IT WAS FUN TO GET A SCAB AND
PICK AT THAT SHIT FOR A WEEK.

TRY TO PULL IT OFF IN ONE PIECE.

DROP IT IN YOUR SODA.

GOOD SHIT!

WE PLAYED OUTSIDE.

A MAGNIFYING GLASS?
HOURS OF FUN.

JUST WALK UP TO SOMEBODY--

"AAH!"

"YOU DIDN'T FEEL IT, STUPID?"

WE DIDN'T HAVE WEED.

FIT. THAT GAME
IS GACHO, MAN.

'CAUSE YOU STAND ON IT,
IT ALWAYS MAKES YOU 64 YEARS OLD

AND 63% BODY FAT.

AND THAT LITTLE MONITO,
WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING ON THE PAD,

IF YOU'RE NOT
RUNNING FAST ENOUGH,

THE LITTLE DOG LOOKS BACK,
LIKE, WITH A DISGUSTED FACE.

"COME ON, YOU FAT ASS,
LET'S GO!"

"HEY, FUCKING-- RELAX."

THEY DON'T PLAY OUTSIDE.

THEY PLAY INSIDE WITH GAMES

THAT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE
THEY PLAY OUTSIDE,

AND THEY LOOK RETARDED

IF YOU LOOK AT THEM
THROUGH THE WINDOW.

"COME AND EAT!"

"I'M TRYING TO GET
TO THE NEXT LEVEL."

WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT SHIT.
WHAT WAS OUR GAME?

"COME AND EAT."

"I'M TRYING TO GET
TO THE NEXT LEVEL."

THE ORIGINAL iTOUCH.

AND THEY WOULD KNOW.

"COME OVER HERE.

SMELL THAT TOWEL.

SMELL THE TOWEL!

JACKING YOURSELF IN MY HOUSE.

YOUR TIA DIED IN THAT ROOM,

AND YOU'RE JACKING
IN THE DEAD LADY ROOM.

HOW DID I KNOW?

I WENT TO DRY MYSELF,
AND IT SCRATCHED MY FACE."

COCHINO.

FEARLESS.

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE
SEPARATE DINNERS FOR THE KIDS

BECAUSE THEY DON'T EAT MEAT.
"I DON'T LIKE MEAT,

AND I DON'T LIKE
VEGETABLE MEDLEYS."

AND WHEN YOU MAKE ME A GRILLED
CHEESE, CAN YOU CUT THE CRUST?

BECAUSE I GET DIARRHEA."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

WHEN WE WERE KIDS,
WHATEVER YOUR MOM MADE

EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE ATE.

[CROWD CHEERING]

THERE WASN'T A SEPARATE DINNER!

IF SHE MADE CHILE RELLENOS,
EVERYBODY IN THAT HOUSE

ATE A CHILE RELLENO.

A 3-YEAR-OLD IN A PLAYPEN.

"GET HIM A BEER,
GET HIM A BEER."

[BELCHES]

WE HAD REAL FOOD,

NOT FRUIT ROLL-UPS.

"CAN I HAVE A FRUIT ROLL-UP?"

A FRUIT ROLL-UP
WRAPPED AROUND THEIR FINGERS--

WE HAD THE ORIGINAL ROLL-UP.

A FLOUR TORTILLA
WITH BUTTER AND SALT.

[CROWD CHEERING]

O.G.!

AND YOU WERE SO POOR, YOU'D SUCK
THE BUTTER OFF YOUR SHIRT.

"ARE YOU GOING TO SUCK
YOUR BUTTER?"

"GET OUT OF HERE."

WE DIDN'T HAVE
ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

GO-GURT.

MANGO MADNESS,
KIWI STRAWBERRY.

CAPRI SUN.

A PERFORATED STRAW.

WE FRIED BOLOGNA.

AND LOVED IT!

FRIED...

AND THAT GREASE
WOULD COME OFF THAT SHIT--

[SLURPING]

[LAUGHS]

THAT SHIT WOULD SPARK BLUE

AND WARP LIKE A CHI-CHI.
WHOOP. JUST...

"I'M GONNA WEAR IT.
IT FITS.

I DON'T NEED TO GET THE PLASTIC
ONES, THE BOLOGNA WORKS.

I'LL BE HOME BY 11:00.
IT WON'T SMELL THAT BAD."

REAL FOOD.

AND WE ACTUALLY TALKED
TO PEOPLE.

WE DIDN'T TEXT.

WE TALKED.

"L.O.L.
OH, MY GOD, LAUGH OUT LOUD."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE GOT OUR OWN.

WE DON'T NEED YOURS ANYMORE,
BUT THANK YOU FOR THE USE.

WE DON'T NEED L.O.L.
WE GOT OUR OWN.

C.M.C.
CASI MI CAGO.

"LAST NIGHT I WENT TO THE SHOW.
C.M.C."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

WE DON'T NEED O.M.G.

WE GOT OUR OWN.

A.D.M.

AY DIOS MIO.
SAME SHIT.

SAME...

SHIT.

ONLY WITH MORE FLAVOR.
AY DIOS MIO.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

PUT THEM TOGETHER.

WOMEN ALWAYS SEND
VERY LOVELY MESSAGES.

X.O., HUG AND A KISS.

OH, MY GOD, X.O., X.O.

WE GOT ONE, MMLV.

"MMLV?

SHANNON,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?"

"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT MEANS MAMAME LA VERGA."

SHIT!

GOT YOU!

MAMAME LA VERGA.

"GOOGLE, GOOGLE."

"OH, MY GOD.

I THOUGHT
IT WAS ROMAN NUMERALS."

[CROWD CHEERING]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU TOTALLY ROCK.
MY COCK IS SO HARD. THANK YOU.

MWAH?

THE GAYEST ONE OF ALL.

MWAH.

MWAH!

WE GOT ONE BETTER.
JUST SEND...

E.O., E.O., E.O., E.O.,
E.O., E.O., E.O.

"I SENT YOU A KISS,
AND ALL I GOT WAS...

E.O., E.O., E.O., E.O.

THAT'S NOT ROMANTIC."

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

E.O., E.O., E.O., E.O.,
E.O., E.O., E.O., E.O.

THAT'S ROMANTIC TO ME.

E.O., E.O., E.O., E--

YOU DIDN'T SEE AT THE END
I PUT FIVE A'S. AAAAA!"

ALL OF OUR SAYINGS IN SPANISH
DON'T TRANSLATE IN ENGLISH.

LIKE THE ONES IN ENGLISH
DON'T TRANSLATE.

WE DON'T USE JUMPING JEHOSAPHAT.

JEEPERS CREEPERS.

LAND O' GOSHEN.

GREAT SCOTT.

YIKES.

LATINOS-- "THE POLICE!"
"YIKES!"

SHIT DON'T...

IT DON'T WORK.

[MIMICS SIREN]

"I TOLD YOU YIKES!"

AND OURS...
DON'T TRANSLATE TO ENGLISH.

VALES VERGA?

DON'T TRANSLATE.

"WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOU AND SHAWN?"

"WELL, I GAVE HIM SEVERAL
OPPORTUNITIES TO BE A FRIEND,

AND IN THE END
HE WAS WORTH WEINER.

VALES VERGA.

SO DISAPPOINTING. I THOUGHT
WE'D BE FRIENDS FOREVER,

AND IN THE END,
HE WAS WORTH WEINER."

A TODA MADRE.

DOESN'T TRANSLATE.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"HOW WAS THE SHOW?" "OH, MY GOD,
IT WAS ALL TO THE MOTHER.

IT WAS ALL TO THE MOTHER.

YIKES."

AGUAS.

WHEN THERE'S IMPENDING DOOM,
WE YELL...

AGUAS!

DOESN'T WORK IN ENGLISH.

"SHARON, WATERS!"

"GOD. THANK GOD
YOU YELLED WATERS.

I WASN'T SURE
IF IT WAS FLAT OR SPARKLING,

THEN I MOVED OUT OF THE WAY
ANYWAYS."

NO QUEREMOS PEDO.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, BUDDY?"
"HEY, WE DON'T WANT ANY FARTS.

WE DON'T WANT ANY FARTS.

MY BUDDIES AND I JUST WANT
TO HAVE A COUPLE BEERS.

WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR ANY FARTS.

OR AS A MATTER OF FACT,
ANY QUEEFS.

WE DON'T WANT
FARTS OR QUEEFS, SIR.

JUST WANT TO WATCH A FANTASTIC
BADMINTON MATCH, THAT'S ALL."

DIFFERENT.

AND THE POLICE FIGHT CRIME
LIKE IT'S 1950.

NONE OF THE SHIT THAT THEY HAVE
WORKS ON LATINOS.

TASER?
THAT SHIT DON'T WORK ON US.

WHEN YOU GREW UP POOR,
YOU GOT SHOCKED BY SHIT

EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY.

A TOASTER.
A CURLING IRON.

A BLENDER. A LAMP.

YOU PLUG IT IN--

"YOU BETTER USE THAT LIGHT."

TASER DON'T WORK ON US.

"SIR? FREEZE."

"OR WHAT WILL BE
THE RAMIFICATIONS?

I'M ALL FUCKED UP.
HEY.

WHAT PARTICULAR LEAD
DO YOU HAVE ON THE AGENDA?"

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL
WHEN LATINOS ARE DRUNK

WHEN WORDS DON'T FIT
IN OUR VOCABULARY.

AND FIRST OF ALL,
WE'RE NEVER DRUNK.

WE GET ALL FUCKED UP.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'VE NEVER BEEN DRUNK!

I HAVE NEVER BEEN DRUNK,

BUT I'VE BEEN ALL FUCKED UP.

"THERE SEEMS TO BE
AN EXORBITANT AMOUNT

OF BEAUTIFUL LADIES
AT THIS GATHERING."

COCHINO!

TASER DON'T WORK.

"FREEZE!"

"AW. PICA, PICA, PICA.

PICA.

PICA, PICA, PICA, PICA.

PICA."

THEN YOUR MOM COMES OUT.
"I SMELL HAIR, WHAT HAPPENED?"

"HE SHOCKED ME."

"HE CAN FIX YOUR HIP, TIA.
LET HIM HIT YOU."

THE POLICE HAVE A GUN

THAT SHOOTS BAGS OF BEANS.

BAGS...

TO DETER ASSAILANTS.
THEY MIGHT AS WELL SAY MEXICANS.

THEY SAY ASSAILANTS, BUT...

THEY'RE GOING
TO SHOOT BEANS...

AT LATINOS.

"FREEZE!"

"FUCKING RALPH,
THEY'RE SHOOTING BEANS.

BOIL THE WATER
AND PUT THEM IN THE POT.

I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME MORE.

COME ON, PUTO.

GRACIAS.

[CROWD CHEERING]

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHOOTING BAGS OF BEANS
AT MEXICANS.

WHAT DO THEY SHOOT
AT BLACK PEOPLE, CHICKEN WINGS?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

"FREEZE!"

"MOTHERFUCK--

DAMN.

WHAT'S A BROTHER GOT TO DO
TO GET A BUCKET?

HOLLER."

FEARLESS, BABY!

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHITE PEOPLE?
"WHAT HAPPENED, HILLARY?"

"I GOT HIT BY A SCONE.

I JAYWALKED,
AND A SCONE HIT ME.

A BANANA BREAD MUFFIN."

WE LIVE IN A DIFFERENT TIME.

LISTEN, THERE ARE
47 MILLION LATINO PEOPLE

IN THE UNITED STATES.

[CROWD CHEERING]

47 MILLION.

AND ONLY GETTING BIGGER.

IF I WAS A NONLATINO,
I'D BE LAYING OUT IN THE SUN

TRYING TO GET DARK
LIKE A SON OF A BITCH!

YOU'RE MARRIED TO HIM.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU.

ALTHOUGH IT DOES HELP.

IT HELPS HIM IF HE EVER WANTS
TO BUY A VAN.

"CAN YOU CO-SIGN, HONEY?"
"FANTASTIC."

WE ARE LOSING OUR WOMEN
TO CAUCASIANS

BECAUSE THEY'RE ROMANTIC,

THEY TELL YOU THEY LOVE YOU,

THEY NURTURE YOU,
THEY SUPPORT YOU.

ALL SOBER.
THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING.

THEY LOVE YOU SOBER.
THAT'S-- I CAN'T--

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
SOBER.

"OH, MY GOD, HONEY.

YOU TOTALLY MAKE MY LIFE
SO MUCH BETTER.

DID YOU GET MY BBM
AND MY FACEBOOK

AND MY MYSPACE?
I SENT YOU A TWITTER.

DID YOU GET MY TWITTER?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE WHEN WE CLIMAX TOGETHER."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

NO TWO LATINOS
HAVE EVER COME TOGETHER.

MAYBE ONE ON ONE STREET
AND ONE IN ANOTHER TOWN.

BY ACCIDENT.

'CAUSE DUDES DON'T WAIT.
"AH!"

[SNORES]

[MIMICS FART]

"GET OFF."

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW-- THAT'S HOW
LITTLE WE KNOW ABOUT SEX.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WOMEN
CAN HAVE AN ORGASM.

"I DIDN'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU NEED A...

THEY DON'T HAVE NOTHING.

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT--
I WENT FAST BECAUSE..."

WE KNOW SO LITTLE.

I ASKED MY TIA
IF SHE MASTURBATED.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"I'M NOT A LESBIAN
TO BE TOUCHING MYSELF.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

AND THERE'S SO MUCH HAIR, I'M
NOT GONNA FIND NOTHING ANYWAY.

NADA.

I LOST MY RING
TRYING IT ONE TIME."

IT'S ALL RIGHT TO MASTURBATE.
LISTEN.

LADIES, IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, GO GET--

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

[SNORES]

THEY DON'T TALK BACK.

IT'S RELIABLE,

IT NEVER LIES,

AND YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE IT IS.

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

"AAH!

LORD, THAT'S EXCITING!"

EVEN LITTLE SONGS--

[MIMICS VIBRATOR BUZZING
MELODICALLY]

LATINAS, DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

GET ONE.

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

NOT ON YOUR NECK!

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

THE KIDS WILL KNOCK.

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?"

"I'M ON THE INTERNET.

LOOKING FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS."

"WELL, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING,
IT'S MAKING THE TV SQUIGGLE."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

IN THE OLD DAYS,
YOU'D HAVE TO USE YOUR FINGERS.

IT TOOK FOUR DAYS.

THAT SHIT TOOK FOREVER.

[SCAT SINGING]

YOU GO GET FINGERPRINTED.

"MRS. MENDOZA,
YOU DON'T HAVE PRINTS."

"I WAS IN A FIRE
AS A LITTLE GIRL.

I TRIED TO SAVE A CAT,
AND I BURNED MY--

I WENT LIKE THAT
IN THE FIRE, BUT--

USE THESE TWO.
THEY'RE THE SAME."

GET A VIBRATOR. JUST BE HAPPY
BEING THERE ALL DAY.

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

WITH YOUR HEAD TURNED SIDEWAYS.

THAT'S WHEN
YOU'RE COMPLETELY GONE.

[MIMICS VIBRATOR'S
BATTERY DYING]

"COME ON, FELIPE.
COME ON, FELIPE!

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

HEY! TAKE THE BATTERIES
OUT OF YOUR PLAYSTATION

AND ROLL THEM UNDER THE DOOR!

I DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE USING IT, DO IT!"

MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY SEXUALLY
HOWEVER YOU DO IT.

DON'T BE-- IT'S NOT--
DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT
NOT TO HAVE AN ORGASM EVERY DAY.

[CROWD CHEERING]

PUT THAT ON A PILLOW.
LOOKS GOOD.

BECAUSE WOMEN WILL GET SLOPPY.
YOU'LL BE ON THE COUCH,

YOU'LL JUST FALL ASLEEP--

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

THEN YOUR MAN WILL COME HOME,
AND HE'LL SIT DOWN.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?"

"IT-- IT'S TO MAKE TORTILLAS.

IT'S AN ELECTRIC TORTILLA MAKER.

LOW IS FOR CORN--

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

AND HIGH IS FOR FLOUR."

[MIMICS VIBRATOR]

"HOW COME IT'S BLACK?"

"BECAUSE
IT'S A GEORGE FOREMAN."

[CROWD CHEERING]

ENJOY YOUR LIFE EVERY DAY.

LISTEN--
I TURNED 48 YEARS OLD IN APRIL.

TWO WEEKS AFTER...

TWO WEEKS AFTER I TURNED 48,

I SAT ON MY BALLS
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

THAT'S...

WHAT A PRESENT THAT WAS.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU GET OLD,
YOUR HUEVOS ARE HANGING.

I'VE SAT DOWN A MILLION TIMES,
NEVER SAT ON MY BALLS.

I SAT DOWN IN A MEETING--
AAH!

AND EVERYBODY IN THERE
WAS OLD.

"DID YOU JUST SIT
ON YOUR BALLS?

YOU JUST TURNED 48, RIGHT?

WELL, NEXT TIME YOU FART,
YOU'RE GOING TO PISS.

AND A YEAR FROM NOW,
YOU'LL BE TAKING A SHIT,

YOUR BALLS
WILL HIT THE WATER.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

NOW WHEN I SIT DOWN I GOT TO
LIFT THEM UP LIKE A BABY BIRD.

[COOING]

ENJOY YOUR BODY

WHEN IT'S YOUNG,
WHEN IT'S TIGHT,

WHEN IT'S FRESH,
WHEN YOUR FARTS DON'T SMELL.

WHEN YOU'RE 20,
AND YOU LET ONE OUT

PSSH. "I'M SORRY."
"OH, NO, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S GOT A LITTLE BIT
OF SANDALWOOD.

PASSION FRUIT?"

"I HAD A SNAPPLE YESTERDAY."
"OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TELL."

YOUR BUTT IS SO TIGHT IT
CATCHES IT WHILE IT COMES OUT.

WHOOP.

"THANK YOU."
"YOU'RE WELCOME.

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
EMBARRASSING."

WHEN YOU'RE OLD, YOU'RE ASLEEP,
THE FARTS WAKE YOU UP.

[MIMICS FARTING]

"WHAT IS FUCK IS THAT?
WHO'S OUT THERE?

GET THE GUN.
I HEARD A CAT OUT OUTSIDE.

[MIMICS FARTING]

I THINK MY RIDE'S HERE."

CERTAIN SEXUAL POSITIONS
SHOULD ONLY BE FOR THE YOUNG.

69, ONLY FOR THE YOUNG.

55 YEARS OF A CULO BEING A CULO
IS NOT ATTRACTIVE.

YOU WANT THAT RIGHT THERE?

A WOMAN WHO'S HAD FOUR KIDS,
AND SHE PEES WHEN SHE LAUGHS.

AN OLD PENIS.

YOU CAN SMELL IT COMING.
"GET IT OUT OF HERE.

I SMELLED YOU COMING
AROUND THE CORNER.

GET IT OUT OF HERE.

YOU DIDN'T CLEAN UNDER THE SKIN,
FUCKING LIAR. GET--"

YOU WANT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH?
I DON'T THINK SO.

THAT MEAT IS GAMIER THAN ELK.
YOU DON'T WANT THAT--

[GAGS]

YOU'RE GAGGING,
AND YOU THINK THAT HE'S INTO IT.

"YEAH, BABY. TAKE IT.

[GAGGING]

THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKE IT ALL. TAKE IT ALL."

[GAGGING]

"IT'S NOT EVEN IN."

[GAGGING]

YOU WANT TO BE 69-ING
WITH SOMEBODY,

IT'S LIKE THE CAR
FELL OFF THE JACK.

WHOMP!

"I CAN'T BREATHE.

I CAN'T-- I CAN'T BREATHE.

I GOT A PAIN IN MY CHEST.

AND I CAN'T BREATHE."

[MIMICS FART]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"THANK GOD YOU DID THAT.
THE SPRAY WOKE ME UP.

GACHO.

AND WHEN THEY'RE DOING THAT,

THAT'S WHEN
THEY WANT TO TALK SEXY.

"TALK SEXY TO ME.

TALK SEXY."

[MIMICS FART]

"ALL RIGHT!"

"AM I TIGHT?"

"WHAT?"
"AM I TIGHT?"

"WITH YOUR FAMILY OR WHAT?

TIGHT?

PEOPLE HAVE COME OUT OF THERE.
YOU'RE TIGHT.

PEOPLE HAVE COME OUT OF THERE.

THERE'S ONE IN TWO YEARS
IN COLLEGE. TIGHT.

TIGHT WITH MONEY, SURE."

ENJOY YOUR BODY
WHEN IT'S YOUNG,

AND IT WORKS AND EVERYTHING
IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
ENJOY YOURSELVES!

[CROWD CHEERING]

TELL YOUR KIDS THEY CAN BE
WHATEVER THEY WANT TO BE

AS LONG AS
THEY SET THEIR MIND TO IT.

THEY CAN BECOME PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.

[CROWD CHEERING]

THEY CAN BECOME
A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

IT'S BEEN DONE!

THERE ARE A LOT OF LATINOS
OUT THERE, AND THE REPUBLICANS--

I'D BE A LITTLE AFRAID,
YOU KNOW?

I'D BE A LITTLE AFRAID
TO NOT HAVE OUR VOTE.

YOU NEED OUR VOTE,

YET YOU WANT TO GET RID OF US
OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. THAT'S--

WHEN HOTEL ROOMS
CAN CLEAN THEMSELVES.

WHEN FOOD CAN COOK ITSELF.

WHEN LITTLE WHITE BABIES
CAN RAISE THEMSELVES.

THEN MAYBE
WE'LL LEAVE THIS COUNTRY!

MAYBE!

BUT UNTIL YOU START DOING SHIT
FOR YOURSELVES,

THE ONLY QUESTION
YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF IS,

WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?

[CROWD CHEERING]

THE REPUBLICANS
ARE IN TERRIBLE SHAPE.

THAT DUDE THAT LIED
TO HIS OLD LADY

ABOUT HIKING THE APPALACHIAN
TRAIL SO HE COULD GET SOME--

SCANDALOUS!

ESCANDALOSO!

AND A LATINA TO BOOT.

I'M TELLING YOU,
LATINAS GOT SOME MAGICAL CHARMS.

IT WILL MAKE YOU LIE ABOUT
GOING TO THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL.

ONLY A WHITE WOMAN--
"GOOD LUCK, HON.

PLEASE TAKE SOME SUNBLOCK."
A LATINA--

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"SIT YOUR FUCKING ASS DOWN."

"I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE
TO GO, MAN. SHIT.

SHE TOLD ME NO."

PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED
ABOUT THEIR HEALTH.

RUSH LIMBAUGH, I HEARD,
JUST LOST 90 POUNDS.

RUSH LIMBAUGH LOST 90--
IT'S HARD TO EAT

WHEN YOUR TONGUE IS UP
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S ASS.

IT'S HARD TO EAT.

THAT'S A POWERFUL DIET.

THERE ARE A LOT OF POLITICIANS
THAT WILL BE LATINOS,

AND THERE ARE A LOT NOW
WHO ARE LATINOS.

SARAH PALIN-- LATINA.

PALIN.

SHE'S GOT ALL THE SIGNS--
SHE WORKS AND HER HUSBAND DON'T.

LATINA!

SHE TALKS A LOT OF SHIT.
HUSBAND DON'T SAY ONE WORD.

LATINA.

HAS AN INFANT AND A GRANDKID
THE SAME AGE!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

LATINA!

THE ONLY THING I QUESTION
IS SHE QUIT HER GOVERNMENT JOB.

THAT'S VERY UN-LATINO.

ESPECIALLY BEFORE A HOLIDAY.

BARACK OBAMA? LATINO.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

HAS ALL THE SIGNS.

LIVES IN A HOUSE
THAT'S NOT HIS.

TRIED TO SETTLE A RACIAL DISPUTE
WITH ALCOHOL.

LATINO!

THAT'S USUALLY
HOW THEY START, SHIT.

THEY HAD A BEER SUMMIT.

THEY DRANK ONE FUCKING BEER.

FOR LATINOS,
WE CALL THAT BREAKFAST.

ONE BEER.

THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD
A TEQUILA SUMMIT.

THEY'VE THEY'D HAVE LOVED
EACH OTHER.

"I LOVE YOU, MAN.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."

"I'M SORRY
I ARRESTED YOU

BECAUSE
YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR KEY."

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT SHIT.

I'M SORRY
I CALLED YOU STUPID."

LATINO.

HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW
IS LIVING WITH HIM,

HELPING THEM
RAISE HIS TWO KIDS.

LATINO.

EVERY TIME HE LEAVES THE HOUSE,
COULD GET SHOT.

THAT'S VERY LATINO.

EVERY DUDE THAT HANGS WITH HIM
HAS GOT A GUN.

THAT'S MEXICAN.

[MIMICS GUNFIRE]

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE.
BRAD PITT?

MEXICAN.

MARRIED TO A WOMAN
WHO'S BEEN MARRIED TWICE.

COVERED IN TATTOOS.

HALF HIS KIDS AREN'T HIS.

[CROWD CHEERING]

LATINO!

JESUS CHRIST, LATINO.

CARPENTER.

ACCUSED OF A CRIME
HE DID NOT COMMIT.

THOUGHT HIS MOM WAS A VIRGIN.
LATINO!

THE SHAM-WOW GUY?

BURRO LATINO.

ANYBODY WHO THINKS THEY CAN
CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE

WITH ONE FUCKING RAG

IS BURRO LATINO!

AND YOU JUST RINSE IT,
AND IT'S AS GOOD AS NEW.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

WE ARE TOO PROUD A PEOPLE,
AND IT'S CHANGING.

YOU SEE IT IN THE ACCENTS,
YOU SEE IT IN THE LANGUAGE.

YOU SEE IT EVERYWHERE.

WE DO ALL THE WORK
NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO DO.

IF AN IMMIGRANT
IS TAKING YOUR JOB,

THEN YOU GOT A FUCKED-UP JOB.

"WHAT HAPPENED, SCOTT?"

"WELL, I WAS SELLING FLOWERS
ON THE SIDE OF THE FREEWAY...

UNTIL RAMON CAME.

I WAS MAKING 13, $14 A MONTH,
AND THAT SON OF A BITCH..."

WE DO ALL THE THINGS
NO ONE WANTS TO DO.

WHEN YOU WANT A WALL BUILT
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER,

AND YOU WANT IT BUILT FAST

AND YOU WANT IT BUILT CHEAP

AND YOU WANT IT BUILT
WITHOUT A PERMIT...

[CROWD CHEERING]

WHO WILL YOU CALL?

[**]

[CROWD CHEERING]

WHEN YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK
BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD A BABY

AND YOU WANT TO RESUME
YOUR BRILLIANT CAREER,

BUT YOU WANT TO BRING SOMEONE
INTO THE HOUSE

TO CARE FOR THAT YOUNG CHILD

WHILE YOU GO ON
WITH YOUR CAREER

AND SOMEONE CAN NURTURE

AND PRACTICALLY
RAISE YOUR CHILD FOR YOU

AND YOU WANT IT DONE FOR
$3 AN HOUR, WHO DO YOU CALL?

[**]

I WOULD NOT LEAVE MY KID
WITH A LATINA.

A LATINA RAISED ME
AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

YOU'RE MAKING
A HUGE MISTAKE!

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR BABY'S
FIRST WORDS TO BE,

"PAY HER MORE!

PAY HER MORE!"

"SHE TALK?"

I WISH
WE HAD THE FREE TIME

THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE
TO PLAY SUDOKU, TO SCRAPBOOK.

TO GET IN FOOTBALL POOLS
AND FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUES.

TO BIRD WATCH.
I WISH WE HAD ALL OF THAT TIME.

WE DON'T HAVE THAT TIME
BECAUSE WE WORK.

WE DON'T RUN.

WE'RE NOT RUNNING
IN THE AFTERNOON TO WORK OUT,

JUST BECAUSE,
WITH AN IPOD ON.

"THAT'S MY SONG."

WE AIN'T GOT
THAT KIND OF TIME!

AND IF WE DID RUN THROUGH
IN THE STREETS,

HOW FAR WOULD WE GET?
WE'D BE RUNNING...

[MIMICS POLICE SIREN]

WE'RE NOT GOING
BACK TO MEXICO, SO...

THOSE 12 MILLION PEOPLE
ARE NOT GOING BACK TO MEXICO,

SO LET'S FORGET THAT ARGUMENT
RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE NOT GOING BACK
TO MEXICO.

[CROWD CHEERING]

BUT I WILL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

ON THE MAYFLOWER,

THE ORIGINAL ILLEGAL ALIENS
CAME TO THE UNITED STATES.

THERE WERE PEOPLE ALREADY HERE
WHEN THE MAYFLOWER LANDED.

WE WILL GO BACK TO MEXICO

AND WE WILL REBUILD
THE MAYFLOWER

AND SEND 12 MILLION ANCESTORS

OF THE ORIGINAL
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

BACK TO GREAT BRITAIN.

WE GO,

YOU GO.

"I GOT PILATES.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK."

BECAUSE WE CAN BUILD
THE MAYFLOWER LIKE THAT.

WE DON'T EVEN NEED HAMMERS.
WE'LL USE OUR HEELS.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"WE'RE BUILDING A MAYFLOWER."

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I APPRECIATE ALL
OF YOUR SUPPORT, SAN ANTONIO.

I LOVE HBO...

[CROWD CHEERING]

FOR LETTING ME DO THIS.

SOLD OUT THE AT&T CENTER
IN SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS.

[CROWD CHEERING]

ONE MAN!

NO WATER.

NO TOWEL.

NO STOOL.

ONE KIDNEY.
SOLD OUT!

[CROWD CHEERING]

IT IS OUR TIME.

IN FIVE YEARS, WHEN WE'RE
THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE...

FIVE YEARS!

FIVE YEARS.

WHEN WE BECOME
THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE,

I PROMISE
ALL THE NONLATINO PEOPLE

THAT WE WILL SHOW YOU
THE SAME RESPECT

AND SAME DIGNITY
THAT YOU SHOWED US.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I'LL MAKE THAT PROMISE
TO YOU TONIGHT.

THE SAME RESPECT AND THE SAME
DIGNITY YOU SHOWED US,

WE WILL IN TURN SHOW YOU.

SO WHEN YOU DRIVE YOUR CARS,

PLEASE HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.

AND PROOF OF CITIZENSHIP,
PLEASE!

WHEN YOU'RE STANDING
OUT FRONT OF HOME DEPOT,

WE MAY PICK YOU UP.
WE MAY.

LISTEN TO THIS.
LET ME SEE YOUR ARM, BROTHER.

CHECK THIS OUT.
CAN WE PUT A CAMERA

ON THIS CAT'S ARM
RIGHT HERE?

THIS DUDE HAS MY FACE
TATTOOED ON HIS ARM.

STAND UP. SHOW THIS--
YOU GOT TO SEE THAT.

[CROWD CHEERING]

THIS BROTHER
HAS MY FACE TATTOOED--

THAT'S AMAZING.

THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I APPRECIATE THAT. RESPECT.

RESPECT.

I LOOK GOOD, TOO.

YOU BETTER NOT HAVE ERIC ESTRADA
ON THAT OTHER FUCKING ARM.

ALL RIGHT. DO YOU HAVE
ERIC ESTRADA ON THE OTHER ARM?

LET ME SEE.
FUCK THAT PUTO TWICE.

NOBODY WANTS TO BUY YOUR LAND,
HOME BOY. GO AWAY.

WHEN YOU EXTEND YOUR HAND
IN FRIENDSHIP,

THEN MAYBE
WE CAN PUT THIS GRUDGE AWAY,

BUT UNTIL THEN YOU WILL
CONTINUE TO BE INSULTED

BY GEORGE LOPEZ, EVERY
OPPORTUNITY GEORGE LOPEZ GETS.

IT IS MY TIME NOW.

AND YOU'RE NOT A REAL COP,
CABRON.

YOU JUST PLAYED ONE ON TV
55 FUCKIN' YEARS AGO.

SO TAKE THE UNIFORM OFF, PONCH.

EVEN NOVELAS DON'T WANT YOU,
AND THEY'LL HIRE ANYBODY.

WHEN WE'RE OLDER,
AND WE'RE GRANDKIDS--

AND OUR GRANDPARENTS,
AND WE'RE GRANDPARENTS,

AND WE'RE TELLING SCARY STORIES
TO OUR GRANDKIDS,

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ABOUT
ROBOTS AND DINOSAURS

AND TRANSFORMERS.

IT'S GOING TO BE
REAL STORIES.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

"YOUR GRANDPA IS GOING
TO TELL YOU A SCARY STORY.

A LONG, LONG TIME AGO WHEN
YOUR GRANDPA WAS A LITTLE BOY,

THERE USED TO BE PEOPLE
WHO HAD WHITE SKIN."

"AAH!

REALLY, GRANDPA?"

"REALLY, MIJO, LIKE THE MAN
WHO CUTS OUR GRASS."

I LOVE YOU! GRACIAS!

ÓRALE!

VIVA LA RAZA!

THANK YOU, AMERICA!

THANK YOU!

GOOD NIGHT!

OW!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[**]

* ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER *

* THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER *

THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU.

* LOW RIDER
DRIVES A LITTLE SLOWER *

* LOW RIDER
IS A REAL GOER *

[CROWD CHEERING]

* HEY

[INAUDIBLE]

* LOW RIDER
KNOWS EVERY STREET, YEAH *

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD NIGHT. GRACIAS.

* LOW RIDER
IS THE ONE TO MEET, YEAH *

* LOW RIDER
DON'T USE NO GAS NOW *

* LOW RIDER
DON'T DRIVE TOO FAST *

[**]

* TAKE A LITTLE TRIP
TAKE A LITTLE TRIP *

* TAKE A LITTLE TRIP
AND SEE *

* TAKE A LITTLE TRIP
TAKE A LITTLE TRIP *

* TAKE A LITTLE TRIP
WITH ME *

* ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER *

* THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER *

* LOW RIDER
DRIVES A LITTLE SLOWER *

* LOW RIDER
IS A REAL GOER *

* HEY

* LOW RIDER
KNOWS EVERY STREET, YEAH *

* LOW...