George Lopez: It's Not Me, It's You (2012) - full transcript
Comedy superstar George Lopez performs live in front of a packed house at the Nokia Theatre in L.A. in this stand-up special.
♪
HEY, GEORGE,
WANT A HAIRCUT?
UH, NO, CHEECH.
I'M GOOD.
HEY, TONY CALLED.OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE SAID
THE UPHOLSTERY
IS ALL DONE.
COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
YOU COULD USE
A HAIRCUT, THOUGH.
♪
Man: ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♪
[ENGINE STARTS]
♪ THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♪
HEY, RAY.HEY, HEY, GEORGE.
GOOD LUCK TONIGHT, MAN.
YOU'RE GONNA KILL.
THANKS, BROTHER. HA HA!
♪
Man: ♪ LOW RIDER DRIVES
A LITTLE SLOWER ♪
EVA.
HI, GEORGE.
IS THIS THING EVEN
SMOG-CHECKED?
NO.WELL, GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
♪ LOW RIDER IS THE ONE
TO MEET, YEAH ♪
CONAN.
HEY, GEORGE.
HAVE A GREAT SHOW.
APPRECIATE IT.
YO, LAKERS.
OH, GEORGE.
WHAT'S UP, BABY?
WE GOT STEVE NASH.
TELL THAT ESE TO
PASS THE BALL, EH?
♪ LOW RIDER KNOWS
EVERY STREET, YEAH ♪
♪ LOW RIDER... ♪
TONY. ANTONIO,
IS IT READY?
ALL GOOD, GEORGE.
NEW BRASS, PLUSH.
YEAH.
READY FOR THE RIDE.
HEY, GEORGE.
GO MAKE RICHARD PROUD.
óRALE.
LOAD IT UP!
LOAD IT UP, EVERYONE.
♪ TAKE A LITTLE TRIP,
TAKE A LITTLE TRIP ♪
♪ TAKE A LITTLE
TRIP AND SEE ♪
♪ TAKE A LITTLE TRIP,
TAKE A LITTLE TRIP ♪
♪ TAKE A LITTLE
TRIP WITH ME ♪
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
♪
♪ LOW RIDER DON'T USE
NO GAS NOW ♪
George: óRALE!
WHOO!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, LOS ANGELES!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, HBO!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, MEXICO!
[CHEERING]
TONIGHT WE ARE LIVE ON HBO.
MUCHISIMAS GRACIAS.
THANK YOU.
IT'S CHICANO TIME.
LET'S GO CHOLO!
"WHAT? GO CHOLO?
I'M SCARED.
IS THAT A NUMBER
5 AT CHIPOTLE?"
óRALE!
FUCK CHIPOTLE.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
REAL SHIT TONIGHT.
[CHEERING]
7,000 PEOPLE AND MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE AT HOME, BUT YOU 7,000
PEOPLE HAVE PAID
TO SEE A MEXICAN.
GRACIAS!
[CHEERING]
WHOA!
YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF AT
HOME, WHAT KIND OF AN AMERICAN
CAN SELL 7,000 TICKETS?
YOU KNOW WHAT KIND,
MOTHERFUCKERS?
A MEXICAN AMERICAN.
[CHEERING]
I LOVE IT, BECAUSE YOU CAN
SEE US WORK ALL DAY FOR FREE.
[LAUGHTER]
"MOVE YOU FEE. MOVE YOU FEE,"
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
WE WORK.
LATINOS...
FROM THE TIME WE'RE BORN,
THE MINUTE WE COME
OUT OF THE WOMB...
"CUT MY CORD,
I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
"CUT MY CORD.
I DON'T HAVE A VACATION DAY.
I WAS JUST BORN.
CUT MY CORD!"
WE WORK.
WE DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
WE DON'T WANT TO TALK.
WE JUST WANT TO WORK.
"WHAT TIME DO YOU CLOSE?"
"OH, QUE LA CHINGADA..."
"WHAT TIME DO YOU CLOSE?"
"MIRA, CABRONA, NO CLOSE."
WE'RE NOT CONCERNED
WITH SAFETY--THE LATINO.
WE DON'T WEAR GOGGLES.
WE DON'T WEAR ELBOW PADS,
WE JUST FUCKING WORK.
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THE LITTLE
CAUTION SIGNS--YOU'VE SEEN THEM.
"CAUTION," UNDERNEATH,
"PELYGRO."
"PELYGRO? HMM."
WE DON'T HAVE THOSE
SIGNS WHEN WE WORK,
BECAUSE WE'VE TAKEN
THEM HOME...
AND WE'RE USING THEM
AS SOCCER GOAL POSTS.
"PEGA LA PELOTA CABRóN."
"CHINGALE G EY."
"CHINGA SU MADRE."
"PEGA AL HOMBRE."
WE JUST ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A WET FLOOR...
IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S YOU.
WE ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WET FLOOR
AND A DRY FLOOR.
WE KNOW, SO WHEN YOU FALL,
THERE'S NO SYMPATHY.
[BANG]
"MIRA, CABRONA, ESTA WET."
"MIRA, ES CHINY.
"CHINY, ES WET.
"DRY ES DRY, PERO CHINY...
ES MOJADO--WET."
COMO SE DICE "PELYGRO"?
"ES WET.
MIRA, CABRONA, COMO
LA PANOCHA--WET."
[CHEERING]
"AND DRY.
"WET, COMO LA PANOCHA...
AND DRY."
EVERYBODY!
WET...
Audience: WET...
AND DRY...
Audience: AND DRY.
Audience: WET AND DRY.
[CHEERING]
TONIGHT IS A CELEBRATION OF
BEING LATINO IN THIS GREAT
COUNTRY, THE UNITED STATES.
[CHEERING]
WE LOVE THIS COUNTRY!
WE GET BLAMED FOR A LOT OF
SHIT, BUT WE STILL LOVE--
THERE'S A FUCKING FLY THAT'S
COMING THAT THEY SAY IS
A MEXICAN FLY.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL?
DOES HE BUZZ QUITE--
[BUZZ]
[BUZZ]
YOU LOOK THROUGH THE
MICROSCOPE--"THIS FLY HAS
A WIFE BEATER AND
A TATTOO ON HIS NECK."
"HE TOLD--HE CALLED ME A PUTO.
HEY, FLY."
WE GET BLAMED FOR SO MUCH
SHIT, AND WE TAKE IT.
I'M TELLING YOU TONIGHT,
WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT
SHIT ANYMORE.
IT'S OUR TIME.
[CHEERING]
WE DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE THAT SHIT.
WHEN THE SWINE FLU FIRST
STARTED, THEY CALLED IT THE
MEXICAN FLU, AND EVEN MEXICANS
WERE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S
PROLLY US."
"THAT'S PROLLY US
BECAUSE WE LIKE PORK."
MIRA, ASí COMIENZA, MIRA.
ESTA COMIENDO CARNITAS...
CHICHARRONES CON
CHILE, LIMóN...
TRIPAS, MENUDO, UNA PATA DE--
[SLURPING SOUND]
AND...
ASí COMIENZA, YOU GET PORK ON
YOUR HAND, COMO EL ACEITE--THE
OIL, Y LUEGO HACES PIPí.
NOW, YOU TOUCH YOURSELF,
Y YA TIENES PEE
AND PORK--LOS DOS.
LIKE A GLUE.
COMO UNA GOMA.
LIKE A GLUE, AND THEN
YOU TOUCH YOUR EYE, Y YA.
YA ESTAS INFECTED CON SWINE.
YA ESTAS LLENO DE SWINE.
THEN YOU GO TO WORK AND
SHAKE HANDS WITH A NEGRO,
"HEY, BROTHER.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?"
[POOF]
AND HE TAKES IT TO
THE NEGRO WORLD.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT N1H1--
ONE NEGRO AND ONE HISPANIC.
[CHEERING]
SHOUT!
TONIGHT...
FUCK IT, LET'S ALL
BE LATINO TONIGHT.
TONIGHT WE'RE ALL LATINOS!
[CHEERING]
WAIT.
HANG ON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
"MY TRUCK IS ALMOST PAID OFF.
I WILL NOT--"
"I DON'T WANT TO BE LATINO,
I HAVE TWO MORE PAYMENTS.
"I CANNOT GET BEHIND ON
MY CHILD SUPPORT.
I WILL NOT."
LOOK AT ALL THE GIRLS.
"I WANT TO BE LATINO.
I WANT TO WEAR
A BATHING SUIT."
TONIGHT...
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
LATINAS ARE UNBELIEVABLY
BEAUTIFUL.
EXOTIC...
CHICHONAS...
NALGONAS...
TETONAS...
CABRONAS...
ALL THE NAS.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL 'EM NANAS.
CABRONA, CHICHONA--NANA!
LATINAS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THE PROBLEM IS YOU GOT TO GET
'EM BEFORE THEY GET FAT.
ABOUT 16 MONTHS--GRAB ONE.
DON'T LET HER DRINK SODA.
DON'T LET HER DRINK SODA.
OR PLUCK HER EYEBROWS.
WATCH HER, BECAUSE SHE WILL.
BEAUTIFUL LATINAS.
BEAUTIFUL.
EXOTIC AND DARK.
WE LAY IN THE SUN,
WE GET DARKER.
WE GET GOLD, WE GET
ORANGE, COMO SNOOKI.
I LOOK LIKE A CHICANO--
FUCKING SNOOKI.
WE DON'T USE SUN BLOCK.
WE JUST GET DARKER.
FUCK IT.
"WELL, WHAT KIND OF
OIL DO YOU USE?"
"WE USE THE OIL
FROM OUR FACE."
óRALE.
"WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU
NEED SOMETHING STRONGER?"
"EL CULO." VáMONOS.
BULLFROG.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S TALK SHIT,
SINCE WE'RE ALL LATINOS.
LET'S TALK SHIT.
BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S
WHAT WE DO WHEN WE GET
TOGETHER--WE TALK SHIT.
EVEN IF YOU'RE IN THE CAR,
YOU TALK SHIT BY YOURSELF.
"LOOK AT THAT FUCKING PUTO."
[HONK]
"AAH!"
SOME PEOPLE DON'T TALK SHIT.
THEY TRY TO BE RESPECTFUL.
"WELL, I WOULD SAY THAT
SHE'S NOT MY CUP OF TEA."
LATINOS, WE DON'T GIVE
A FUCK--"I DON'T WANT THAT
FUCKING BITCH IN MY HOUSE."
"OYEME, CABRóN.
"I DON'T WANT HER
IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!
"HER OR HER FUCKING DRUG-ADDICT
FUCKING HUSBAND IN MY
"FUCKING HOUSE!
"AND THE KIDS, HALF OF THEM
THEY TOOK AWAY--I DON'T WANT
THE OTHER HALF IN
MY FUCKING HOUSE!"
"ARE YOU SAYING THAT SHE'S
NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA?"
"MIRA, CABRóN.
I DON'T FUCKING DRINK TEA."
"I DRINK PATRON WITH LEMONADE.
ALL I KNOW!
"Y MARIJUANA AND A VICODINE.
ALL I KNOW!
"Y ME CHINGO UN XANAX
AND UN PROZAC TAMBIéN, Y--
"ALL I KNOW IS I DON'T WANT
THEM IN MY FUCKING HOUSE.
"LISTEN TO MY FACE.
LISTEN TO MY FACE.
"I DON'T WANT THEM--
LISTEN TO MY FACE!
"I DON'T WANT THEM...
IN MY FUCKING HOUSE."
EVERYBODY.
"I DON'T WANT THEM
IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!"
[CHEERING]
LISTEN, WE--WE ARE SO PROUD--
LATINO PEOPLE--AND WE GROW UP
THE HARD WAY.
LISTEN, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS
A RACIST, LA CABRONA...
LIKE ALL YOUR GRANDMOTHERS.
RACISTA.
RACIST.
ALL THE GIRLS KNOW.
IF YOU'RE A GIRL, YOUR
GRANDMOTHER WILL TELL YOU,
"MIRA, CABRONA, CASATE CON
UN NEGRO, AND YOU'RE DEAD.
"TO ME, YOU'RE DEAD.
"SI TE CASAS CON
UN NEGRO, FORGET IT.
"I'M NOT GONNA
LEAVE YOU MY CHANGE.
"GET OUT OF HERE, PORQUE ERES
PUTA CABRONA, CON UN NEGRO--
GET OUT OF HERE!"
MY GRANDMOTHER DIDN'T LIKE
BLACK PEOPLE, AND TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, BLACK PEOPLE
FUCKING DIDN'T LIKE HER.
SHE WOULD SEE ME WALKING WITH
MY TWO FRIENDS, AND THE LOOK
OF DISGUST--AGH.
"MIRA QUIéN VIENE,
EARTH WIND AND FEO.
"YOU'RE FEO!
"YOU THINK YOU'RE EARTH.
"CABRóN, LOOK AT HIM.
PINCHE NEGRO."
AND SHE WOULD TALK SHIT ABOUT
HIM, BUT THEY HEARD NEGRO--
THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY."
"MIRA, CABRóN, WHEN I'M
AT WORK, NO ME GUSTAN LOS
PINCHE NEGROS."
"HEY!"
"WHEN I'M AT WORK,
NO ME GUSTA EL CHOCOLATE."
"CHOCOLATE? WHAT?
THE FUCKING M&Ms?"
VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
LISTEN, THEY RAISE
US TO BE TOUGH.
THAT'S WHY OUR KIDS
ARE NOT SPOILED.
WE RAISE OUR KIDS TO BE
TOUGH AND NOT SPOILED.
OTHER PEOPLE RAISE THEIR
KIDS--THEY ENTERTAIN THEM.
THEIR JOB IS TO
ENTERTAIN THEM.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
DO TODAY, COOPER?
"DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLOR
ME MINE, GYMBOREE?
"WANT TO SCOUR THE
INTERNET FOR THINGS TO DO?
HAVE YOU GOT A GROUPON
ON YOUR IPHONE?"
WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
WE'RE NOT THERE TO
ENTERTAIN OUR KIDS.
THEY COME UP TO YOU, "I
DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO."
"OH, YEAH?
FIND YOUR TEETH."
[BANG]
THAT'S HOW WE RAISE
THEM TOUGH, WITH VALUES.
THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.
OLD SCHOOL.
WE RAISE THEM OLD SCHOOL,
BUT NEW SCHOOL.
WE TEACH THEM RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW!
THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET SPOILED,
LIKE ALL THESE OTHER LITTLE
WHITE KIDS ARE ALL ENTITLED.
THAT STUPID FUCKING
LOOK ON THEIR FACE.
AND THEY'RE ALL ON MEDICINE.
ANY ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS
IS ON MEDICINE.
IT'S THE SAME SHIT WE HAD.
WE WEREN'T ON MEDICINE,
BECAUSE A FUCKING PUTAZO WAS
AS GOOD AS A PILL.
[BANG]
"I'M FINE.
YES. I'M FANTASTIC.
"I WAS ACTING CRAZY,
BUT SOMEHOW, NOW, I'M FANTASTIC.
HIJO DE LA CHINGADA,
THAT HURTS."
ALL THESE KIDS
HAVE CELL PHONES.
WHO THE FUCK...
ARE THEY GONNA CALL AT 7?
"HI, IS THIS SPONGEBOB?
OH, MY GOD.
"IS THIS SPONGEBOB?
OH, MY GOD.
IS THIS SPONGEBOB?
OH, MY GO--"
WE DON'T GET OUR KIDS PHONES.
ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN THEY'RE 8.
AND THEY TRY TO ASK,
"CAN I--CAN I GET A--CAN I
GET A PHONE?"
"¿PA' QUé, CABRóN?"
AND GUILT DON'T WORK
ON LATINO PARENTS...
LIKE IT WORKS
ON WHITE PARENTS.
"WHAT IF THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY?"
"WHAT IF--WHAT IF THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY AND YOU'RE
NOT THERE?"
"WELL, THEN, YOU'RE FUCKED."
[CHEERING]
AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT
YOU--"IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY
"AND I'M NOT THERE, DON'T
FUCKING COME RUNNING OVER HERE.
"BECAUSE I GOT A WARRANT.
"I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING TO YOU.
LOOK AT MY FUCKING
ANKLE BRACELET."
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP.
WE DON'T TAKE THEM
EVERYWHERE THEY GO.
NOW, WHEN A BABY'S BORN
THE PARENTS TAKE THEM.
THEY GOT A BABY BJORN.
GOT A PINCHE BABY
CUELGANDO IN THE FRONT.
"IS HE ALL RIGHT?"
"YES, HE'S FINE."
WE HAVE A RULE--YOU
DON'T WALK, YOU DON'T GO.
YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE
CHOLITO DUDE TRYING TO UNDO
A STROLLER?
THE DUDE'S, LIKE, 18.
HE'S GOT A BABY.
HE'S LIKE, "FUCK."
"HURRY UP!"
"HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS
THING--"
"HURRY UP!"
"AW, FUCK.
I WANTED A BLOWJOB, BUT NO.
I HAD TO FUCKING
PUT IT IN, HUH?"
NOW IF A PARENT
HAS ONE KID...
THE KID IS ON A LEASH.
LIKE A FUCKING MONKEY TAIL
HANGING OUT OF THEIR BACK.
WE KNOW IT'S A LEASH.
MY AUNT HAD 7 KIDS.
WHEN SHE LEFT
K-MART, SHE LEFT.
SHE SAID, "I'M LEAVING."
SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK BACK.
"FUCK YOU GUYS."
YOU SEE 7 KIDS--
"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!"
"I TOLD YOU I WAS LEAVING.
FUCK YOU."
DIFFERENT PEOPLE--LISTEN,
THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SO SAFE
FOR KIDS NOW.
WHEN THEY HALLOWEEN--WHEN
THEY GO TRICK-OR-TREATING...
THEY DON'T EVEN GO
AT NIGHT ANYMORE.
LATINOS, WE WANT IT
TO BE PITCH BLACK.
WE DON'T WANT NOBODY TO SEE
US, BECAUSE WE TRICK-OR-TREAT
WELL INTO OUR EARLY 40s.
"IS THAT A MAN?"
"NO, I THINK THAT'S A WEREWOLF."
"GACHATE, CABRóN, GACHATE."
AND I LIVE IN ONE OF THOSE
NEIGHBORHOODS WHERE THEY BRING
ALL THE POBRES--
ALL THE POOR KIDS.
ALL THE BLACK AND LATINO KIDS,
THEY BRING THEM TO THE
NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE THEY
GET BETTER CANDY AND THEY
ANSWER THE DOOR.
NOT LIKE IN LATINO HOUSES.
[KNOCKING]
[BARKING LIKE A DOG]
"YOU WANT CANDY,
COME AND GET IT."
[BARKING]
AAH!
SO THEY BRING THEM TO A BETTER
NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I TELL THE
WOMEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
"THAT'S RACIST.
THAT IS RACIAL PROFILING."
"BITCH, IT AIN'T RACIAL
PROFILING IF YOU GET IT RIGHT."
"ONLY IF YOU GET IT WRONG."
AND SHE GOES, "HOW DO YOU
KNOW THEY'RE LATINOS?"
I SAID, "YOU KNOW HOW?
MIRA, CABRONA, LOOK.
SEE MY LEMON TREE?"
WAIT FOR ME.
"SEE MY--SEE, ALL
MY LEMONS ARE GONE.
MEXICANS."
"LOOK AT THIS,
CLAMATO AND A CORONA.
A CHELADA--MEXICANOS."
"LOOK AT THIS, A HAIR."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT'S MEXICAN?"
"BLOND WITH A BLACK ROOT?"
CASE CLOSED.
AND LITTLE LATINO KIDS,
WHEN THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
THEY STICK THEIR
HEAD IN THE HOUSE.
BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO
SEE SHIT ALL MATCHING.
YOU KNOW?
[KNOCKING]
"AH, CABRóN, MIRA,
ESTá BONITO. WOW.
THEY HAVE PLANTS INSIDE!"
AND WITH A ACCENT--
"TRIGA-TRING!"
"I'M SORRY.
I DON'T--I'M NOT--"
"TRIGA-TRING!"
"TRIGA-TREEN?
"I DON'T--DO YOU WANT
TO GO TO HOME DEPOT?
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING."
ALL THE KIDS NOW, WHO ARE
NON-LATINOS, TRICK-OR-TREAT
AT 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON,
BECAUSE IT'S SAFE.
THEY DON'T WEAR COSTUMES,
SO THEY DON'T SCARE.
THEY DON'T HAVE MASKS,
THEY JUST HAVE A LITTLE MAKE-UP,
AND AT 2:30,
THAT'S WHAT YOU SEE. YOU HEAR--
[KNOCKING]
YOU OPEN THE DOOR,
THE SUN IS IN YOUR EYES.
"TRICK OR TREAT!"
"IT'S FUCKING 2:30.
COME BACK WHEN
IT'S DARK, PUTO."
AND THERE'S ALWAYS THAT
ONE KID THAT TALKS SHIT.
HE COMES BACK, "I'M NOT
A PUTO, I'M A PIRATE."
WE...
TEACH OUR KIDS WITH WORDS THAT
DON'T GIVE THEM ANY DOUBT.
WE RAISE OUR KIDS WITH DOUBT.
THEY HAVE TO HAVE DOUBT.
NOT EVERYTHING CAN
GO THEIR WAY.
OTHER KIDS, YOU TELL THEM,
"I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD
"FOR TWO WEEKS.
HA!"
WE RAISE OUR KIDS WITH
WORDS LIKE SUPPOSE...
AND ALMOST, SO THEY'RE
NOT ALWAYS SURE.
"DID YOU GUYS GO
TO DISNEY WORLD?"
"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO."
"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO."
"WE ALMOST WENT..."
"BUT WE DIDN'T."
THAT'S A BIG WORD
WITH LATINOS--ALMOST.
YOU HEAR IT EVERY
TIME WE'RE IN THE CAR.
WE'RE DRIVING, "FUCK, I
ALMOST GOT A JOB RIGHT THERE."
"I ALMOST FUCKED A GIRL
THAT WORKED RIGHT THERE."
"I WAS SUPPOSED TO,
BUT I DIDN'T."
"ALMOST."
"SHE TOOK A PROZAC AND WENT
TO SLEEP, LA CABRONA."
WE DON'T DRESS LIKE OUR KIDS.
THAT'S GAY.
TO DRESS EXACTLY LIKE
YOUR CHILD--SAME SHORTS,
SAME SHIRT, SAME HAT,
BACKPACK, FUCKING SHOES
THAT LIGHT UP.
TING, TING, TING, TING.
WE DON'T DO THAT SHIT.
IF A LATINO AND HIS SON ARE
DRESSED ALIKE, THEY WORK
AT THE SAME FUCKING PLACE.
"CAN I SPEAK TO THE MANAGER?"
"HANG ON.
PAPI, TE QUIEREN EN FRENTE.
"PAPI, COME TO
THE FRONT, PLEASE.
"PAPI, COME TO THE FRONT.
"THERE'S A PVC HERE TO SEE YOU.
A PVC."
"WHAT'S THAT?"
"UH, PINCHE VATO CULERO."
"HUH?"
GOOGLE THAT SHIT,
MOTHERFUCKERS.
WE'RE DIFF--LISTEN, AND WHEN
THEY TEACH KIDS TO SWIM NOW,
THEY GOT--THEY'RE NOT GONNA
SWIM, BECAUSE THEY JUST FLOAT.
THEY GOT WATER WINGS, AND
A AIR VEST, AND SHOES SO THEY
DON'T BURN THEIR FEET.
US, WE'RE JUST PUT
INTO THE WATER.
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
"KICK YOUR LEGS.
YOU GOT IT.
KICK YOUR LEGS.
I'M RIGHT HERE."
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
AND YOU'RE UNDERWATER.
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
AND YOU CAN SEE YOUR FUCKING
HOUSE THROUGH THE WATER,
WITH PEOPLE PINCHE
BAILANDO Y ASí.
"I'M FUCKING DROWNING.
THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY."
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
YOU GET TO THE EDGE.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
YOU GOT MOCOS AND SHIT FLYING.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
"I ALMOST DROWNED."
"BUT YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?"
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
HOW YOU LEARN.
THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN!"
"WITH SOME PELIGRO."
WHEN A BABY'S GONNA BE BORN,
WE DON'T BABY-PROOF THE HOUSE.
LIKE OTHER PEOPLE, THEY PAINT.
"IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?"
"IT'S A BOY. BLUE."
"FANTASTIC."
WE LEAVE THE HOUSE THE SAME.
HOW THEY GONNA LEARN?
WE DON'T ROUND
OFF THE CORNERS...
OR PUT PLASTIC PLUGS
IN THE SOCKET.
WE DON'T EVEN PUT
PLASTIC PLUGS.
WE DON'T EVEN GOT THE
PLASTIC FRAME THAT GOES
AROUND THE SOCKET.
YOU CAN SEE INTO THE GARAGE.
"OYE, TIO."
"YO!"
"COME IN--RIGHT HERE.
THE FINGER. CAMBIALE."
IF WE SEE A KID WALKING
WITH A FORK, WE FOLLOW HIM.
"WHERE YOU GOING?"
"¿PA' DóNDE VAS? YOU'RE
GONNA PUT IT IN THE HOLE?
"PONLE, CABRóN.
PONLE. NOT LIKE THAT.
"PUT IT LIKE THAT...
"SO YOU GET A BETTER
CONNECTION, PONLE ASí.
LOS DOS, TOGETHER."
[PZZT]
"YEAH, FUCKING
TOUCH IT AGAIN."
"TOUCH IT AGAIN!"
OH, HERE COMES THE BROTHER
WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.
"TOCALE, CABRóN.
LET ME TAKE THE BUTTER OFF SO
YOU GET A BETTER CONNECTION."
"PUT--PUT IT IN THERE--"
[PZZT]
"AY!
FUCKING TWINS.
LOS DOS."
TO PUT A KID IN A CAR
SEAT NOW, IT'S LIKE
THE MOTHERFUCKER'S
GOING TO THE MOON.
IT USED TO JUST BE--
[BANG]
NOW, YOU--YOU PUT HIM IN.
[BANGING]
WE--WE DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR THAT SHIT.
"IT'S LAST CALL.
JUST LAY DOWN IN THE BACK."
SOME PEOPLE DON'T DRINK
IN FRONT OF THEIR KIDS.
"MAS PUTO..."
"MY--MY KIDS WILL NEVER SEE
ME DRUNK, BECAUSE IT IS A BAD
EXAMPLE TO SET,
AND I DON'T LIKE IT."
"HAZ...POQUE TORRE UN...CA."
[SNORING]
"THEY LET HIM OFF EARLY,
AND THIS IS WHERE WE
FOUND HIM."
"¿CUCO?"
[SNORING]
LISTEN, I'VE
CHANGED MY THINKING.
I THINK MORE BLACK AND
LATINO PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE
KIDS TOGETHER.
LOOK AT HIM.
"NOW YOU'RE TALKING
CRAZY SHIT, VATO. RELAX."
WE'D MAKE BEAUTIFUL BABIES.
THEY GOT FUCKED-UP HAIR.
TRY TO GET A COMB, "AAH!"
BECAUSE WITH IMMIGRATION
THE WAY IT IS, WE NEED TO CREATE
SOME LATINOS
THAT CAN FUCKING RUN.
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW,
WE'RE PINCHE GORDOS.
WE CAN'T RUN--
"IMMIGRATION! AY!"
IF WE HAD SOME BLACK,
WE'D BE GONE.
"IMMIGRATION!"
PFT PFT PFT.
"SON OF A BITCH."
"FUCK, HE LEFT HIS WALLET."
PFT PFT PFT.
HERE'S THE BEAUTIFUL
PART ABOUT IMMIGRATION.
THIS COUNTRY IS MADE UP OF
A LOT OF DIFFERENT
NATIONALITIES, AND NONE OF
THEM ARE GOING ANYWHERE,
SO WE'RE--THAT'S WHAT MADE
THIS COUNTRY GREAT--DIVERSITY.
MY GRANDMOTHER
WAS GONE, MAN.
SHE WAS CRAZY.
MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO USE
DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES TO
REMIND HER OF SHIT THAT
SHE NEEDED TO GET.
LIKE SHE NEVER MADE A LIST.
YOU KNOW PEOPLE SAY, "I
NEED SHAMPOO, I NEED TO GET
SOME BREAD."
SHE'D BE IN THE MARKET
AND SEE AN ASIAN,
"AY, A FUCKING CHINITO.
GET RICE."
"I SAW THE CHINITO, AND THEN
I REMEMBERED THAT I NEEDED TO
"GET RICE AND A PEDICURE,
BECAUSE MY TACONES ESTáN BIEN
FUCKED UP. THEY'RE CRACKED."
SHE SEES SOMEBODY FROM
THE MIDDLE EAST, "OH, NO."
"GET DEODORANT."
"WHAT?"
"GET DEODORANT,
PINCHE HEDIONDO.
"GET DEODORANT...
AND TOWELS, PA'
ACABAR DE CHINGAR."
SHE SEES SOMEBODY BLACK,
"EY, GET CHARCOAL
"FOR THE BARBECUE.
"PINCHE NEGRO...
AND LOCK THE DOOR."
THE SHIT THAT WORKS ON
OTHER PEOPLE DOESN'T WORK
ON LATINOS.
WHEN WE ABUSE DRUGS
AND ALCOHOL, WE'RE JUST
DRUG ADDICTS...
AND NOT ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE.
"I DON'T WANT THE PINCHE
MARIJUANO IN MY FUCKING HOUSE."
BUT WHEN OTHER FAMILIES HAVE
A DRUG ADDICT, ALL THE FAMILY
GETS TOGETHER, THEY FLY IN,
THEY HAVE AN INTERVENTION.
THEY'RE VERY ORGANIZED.
NO ONE KNOWS.
"WE'RE HAVING
AN INTERVENTION FOR RILEY.
"HE'S ABUSING PRESCRIPTION
DRUGS AND MARIJUANA.
"RILEY IS NOT AWARE THAT WE'RE
GONNA ACCOST HIM AND READ THE
"TIMES THAT HE'S BEEN DRUNK IN
PUBLIC AND USING BARBITURATES
AND MARIJUANA."
AND HE COMES IN, "HEY,
WHAT'S GOING ON?"
"RILEY, YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT."
25 MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY.
YOU CAN'T GET 25 BLACK AND
LATINO PEOPLE TOGETHER UNLESS
YOU HAVE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
"WE AIN'T GONNA FUCKING
SHOW UP JUST TO TALK.
"WHAT? FUCK, SHIT.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
"WHAT THE HELL?
THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT, EY."
"I DON'T WANT HIM
TO STOP SMOKING WEED.
HE'S MY BEST CUSTOMER."
HERE'S THE BEAUTIFUL PART--
WHEN YOU DECIDE WHO YOU WANT
TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH,
MAKE SURE IT'S SOMEBODY WHO
LOVES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND
WHAT YOU ARE AND YOUR GOOD
SIDE AND YOUR BAD SIDE.
FIND SOMEBODY--GOOD LUCK!
GOOD LUCK!
BECAUSE IF YOU GOT A DUDE THAT
DRINKS AND YOU WANT A DUDE
THAT DON'T DRINK, MAKE IT EASY
ON YOURSELF, DATE A DUDE THAT
DON'T DRINK.
SO WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,
HE'S GONNA FUCKING DRINK MORE.
IT'S NATURAL.
SO THAT WAY, YOU'RE NOT AT THE
WEDDING, COUNTING HIS DRINKS.
YOU'RE LAUGHING.
EVERYTHING COOL, AND YOU SEE...
"THAT'S 3 DRINKS."
[CHEERING]
AND THEY RUN UP ON YOU AND
YELL AT YOU, BUT THEY THINK
THAT THEY'RE WHISPERING.
"I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
"FUCK, YOU SCARED ME.
TAKE IT EASY."
"I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
AND EVERYBODY AT
THE WEDDING, "OH, SHIT."
"¿QUé PASó?"
"AH, PINCHE LA CABRONA WENT
AT HIM, AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T
LIKE YOU WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
"AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE HASN'T SAID NOTHING.
WE'RE WAITING RIGHT NOW."
"I DON'T LIKE YOU WHEN
YOU--YOU'RE DRUNK."
"WELL...¿SABES QUé?
I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHEN I'M SOBER."
"FUCK, SHUT THE FUCK--
I'M ALL FUCKED UP."
[IMITATES VOMITING]
WHEN YOU'RE DATING AND GIRLS
START TO SPEND THE NIGHT,
NONE OF THEM SNORE.
LINGERIE, HALF A
NIPPLE POPPING OUT...
AY!
"NOT YET.
NOT YET."
"NOT YET."
"PUT YOUR CHORIZO AWAY.
NOT YET."
AND WHEN THEY--WHEN THEY
SLEEP--BEAUTIFUL, LA CABRONA.
BEAUTIFUL FACE...
WITH LIKE A LOVE IN THE
AIR Y LA CHI--
AND THEY CATCH THEMSELVES--
[SNORING]
"DO YOU SNORE?"
"OH, MY, GOD!
"I DON'T.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I DON'T.
"DON'T PUT IT ON TWITTER.
DON'T PUT IT ON FACEBOOK.
"I DON'T...
AND DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME.
I SWEAR, I DON'T SNORE."
THE MINUTE YOU GET MARRIED,
THE MINUTE YOU SAY, "I DO,"
THEY DO.
PINCHE WEDDING NIGHT--
[SNORING]
YOU MOVE THEM, AND THEY
MOVE TO THE SNORE...
[SNORING]
LIKE A RAPPER.
[SNORING]
FUCKING BELL.
[SNORING]
FUCKING QUEEFS.
[SNORING]
[KNOCKING]
"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"YEAH, THEY'RE
JUST SOME QUEEFS.
GO BACK TO SLEEP."
THAT'S HOW YOU START GETTING
THE CUTE NICKNAMES, "óRALE
MISSES SUTHERLAND."
"WHAT?"
"QUEEFER?"
"QUEEFER SUTHERLAND?"
"24?"
"LAST NIGHT YOU DID 16,
BUT TONIGHT YOU'LL
PROLLY DO 24."
AND WHEN THEY SNORE,
THEY SNORE.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
PHONE RINGING, TV ON,
TWO-YEAR-OLD OPENING
THEIR EYE.
[SNORING]
THEY'LL GO TO THE DOCTOR
AND GET ONE OF THOSE JET
FIGHTER MASKS.
"THAT'S SO HOT."
THEY COME TO BED.
PFT...
"UH, ROGER, ONE-9er,
UH, ROGER--"
[SNORING]
"UH, GOOD NIGHT, UH, ROGER,
ONE-9er, UH, ROGER?"
"DO YOU WANT SOME HEAD?"
"NO, THANKS, TOP GUN.
I'M COOL.
I'LL JACK OFF IN
THE OTHER ROOM."
AND THEN, IF YOU'RE A DUDE,
AND THEY GOT A DOG,
THE FUCKING DOG SNORES, TOO.
PINCHE VIEJA AND THE DOG
ARE HOLDING PAWS AND HANDS.
[SNORING]
[WHINE WHINE]
YOU EVER SEE A DOG HAVE
NIGHTMARES IN THEIR SLEEP?
[GROWLS]
FUCKING SHIT.
[HOWLS]
SO, YOU GOT THIS--PFT...
[WHINE]
PFT...
[WHINE]
AND THE MINUTE YOU GO TO
THE BATHROOM, THE DOG ROLLS
IN YOUR SPOT.
"EY, FUCKING DOG, BEAT IT."
"WELL, YOU TELL HIM
I'M NOT GONNA MOVE."
"THAT'S THE DOG AND SHE'S
NOT GONNA MOVE, SO GET
OUT OF HERE."
IF A DOG IS IN YOUR BED,
YOU HAVE LOST CONTROL
OF YOUR BED.
A BED IS A MAN'S BED.
THE BEDROOM IS
THE MAN'S BEDROOM.
THERE'S NO ROOM FOR
A PINCHE PERRO ON THE BED.
BUT INSTEAD,
WE DON'T SAY NOTHING.
EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DATING
AND THEY PEE, IT'S CUTE.
WHEN THEY PEE, IT SOUNDS
LIKE A LITTLE ICE CREAM
TRUCK, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN HEAR IT--"I'M
GONNA GO POTTY."
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE
TEEDLE DITTLE LOO ♪
♪ TEET TUREET TUTEET TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE
TEEDLE DITTLE LOO ♪
♪ TEET TUREET TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEET TEET TEEDLE
DOO TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEET TEET TEEDLE
DOO TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE ♪
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE
TUT TUREET ♪
"HEY!"
"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"I DROPPED MY LIP GLOSS."
LISTEN, LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE, AND
BE HAPPY BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO
SHORT, NO MATTER
HOW LONG YOU LIVE!
[CHEERING]
IT'S TOO SHORT.
YOU SEE PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT
EVERY FUCKING THING THEY PUT
IN THEIR BODY.
LATINOS, WE JUST EAT.
WE LOVE TO EAT.
WE HAVE FUN.
WE ENJOY LIFE.
[CHEERING]
YOU SEE PEOPLE GO TO THE
RESTAURANT, "UM, HI. UM,
"I'M A VEGAN...
AND I DON'T CONSUME MEAT,
AND I DON'T CONSUME DAIRY."
"WELL, THEN, WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"I DON'T CONSUME--"
"I HEARD YOU."
"AND I DON'T CONSUME DAIRY."
"HEH. NO, BUT YOU'LL SUCK
A DICK, HUH, CABRONA?"
"THERE'S MILK IN THERE.
KEEP PULLING IT."
LISTEN, LIVE YOUR LIFE.
GET FAT.
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU SHOULD BE
THE FATTEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN
IN YOUR LIFE.
LET YOUR PALLBEARERS
WORRY ABOUT IT. FUCK THAT.
LET THEM WORRY ABOUT IT.
"AY, QUE LA CHINGADA. FUCK.
"PINCHE GORDO, HOW FAR
DO WE HAVE TO GO?
"AY, MY LEG IS BURNING.
"I GOT TO PUT HIM DOWN.
MY LEG IS BURNING.
"I'M GONNA PUT HIM DOWN.
TELL THE PRIEST--EY, PRIEST,
COME HALFWAY, VATO, WE CAN'T."
[FART NOISE]
"AY, ME SALIO
CACA, AY."
IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO
WHERE YOUR PITO DON'T WORK...
YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHOULD SHAKE
HANDS, "HEY, BABY, IT WAS
"A GOOD RUN.
"45 YEARS--
[BANG]
"AND NOW, NOTHING.
"LET'S GET THE SAME
FUCKING HAIRCUT AND TRAVEL.
"FUCK IT.
GET THE LESBIAN HAIRCUT
AND LET'S SEE THE WORLD!"
THE SCARIEST SHIT--I TOOK
A PICTURE OF MY VERGA WHEN I
TURNED 50.
IT LOOKED LIKE THE LAST KID
IN THE CARPOOL, THE ONE THAT
DIDN'T GET PICKED UP.
IF YOU SEND A PICTURE OF
YOUR PENIS, IT BETTER LOOK
LIKE A PENIS.
YOU DON'T WANT A GIRL TO
SEE IT, "WHAT THE FUCK?
¿QUé ES ESO?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME SEE IT THERE.
"AY, ES UN PAJARITO THAT
GOT CHEWED UP, MIRA.
"ES A BIRD THAT GOT ATTACKED.
"TA FEO,
MIRA, THE TWO EGGS ARE--UH--
"AND HE'S CRYING
OUT OF ONE EYE.
"DON'T--DON'T GET HIM,
BECAUSE HE'S GONNA DIE.
DEJALO EN PAZ.
LET HIM DIE."
THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR.
WE ALL KNOW IT'S
ELECTION YEAR.
LATINOS HAVE THE MOST
POWERFUL VOTE IN THIS COUNTRY.
THE LATINO VOTE IS
VERY POWERFUL.
WE HAVE TO REALIZE THAT OUR
VOTE CAN CHANGE THE COURSE
OF THIS POLITICAL CAMPAIGN.
WE CAN ELECT THE PRESIDENT.
WE!
I'LL RUN FOR
PRESIDENT, FUCK IT.
I GOT THE LATINO VOTE.
I'LL RUN--
[CHEERING]
"WHO'S GONNA BE YOUR
VICE PRESIDENT?"
CARLOS SANTANA. óRALE.
"HELLO. HI. HELLO.
"HEY. HELLO.
HELLO. PEACE.
"HELLO. LIGHT.
LOVE AND LIGHT.
HELLO."
ES PUTO.
MITT ROMNEY WANTS
THE LATINO VOTE.
HE AIN'T GONNA GET IT.
HE AIN'T GONNA GET IT!
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE MITT ROMNEY IS
A FUCKING LATINO AND HE
WON'T ADMIT IT.
HIS FATHER WAS BORN
IN CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO.
MITT ROMNEY IS A CHICANO!
BUT HE WON'T ADMIT IT.
"I AM NOT. I AM DANISH.
I'M FRENCH."
IF YOU WANT OUR VOTE, PUTO,
COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
GET A HAIRNET AND LEAN
BACK AND SAY, "óRALE."
"ME LLAMO MITT, PERO ME
PUEDE LLAMAR GUANTE."
HIS FATHER--HIS GRANDFATHER
WENT TO MEXICO TO CREATE
A MORMON COLONY.
THAT DON'T SIT
GOOD WITH MEXICANS.
WHERE YOU WANT 6 WIVES
TO GET 12 KIDS,
FUCKING LATINOS CAN
HAVE ONE WIFE...
AND GET 12 KIDS.
DON'T FUCKING CHEAT.
OBAMA'S THE CLOSEST THING
TO LATINO THAT WE HAVE.
BARACK--EVERYBODY WANTS
TO SEE HIS BIRTH
CERTIFICATE, TOO.
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
SHERIFF JOE, IN ARIZONA--
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PUTO.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
[CHEERING]
FUCK YOU.
YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER.
FUCK YOU.
I SAID I WAS GONNA
TALK SOME SHIT.
FUCK YOU, SHERIFF JOE,
YOU FUCKING PUTO.
FUCK YOU.
[CHEERING]
I'VE BEEN TO
THE WHITE HOUSE 3 TIMES.
EL NEGRO, I MEAN, BARACK
OBAMA HAS INVITED ME.
IN 2008,
HE CALLED MY HOUSE.
MY GRANDMOTHER ANSWERED
THE PHONE, "HELLO?"
"THIS IS BARACK OBAMA."
"HANG ON, NEGRO.
"EY. I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT
HIM IN MY HOUSE!"
"HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT."
"TA' EL LOCO EL NEGRO DE
PRESIDENT--¿QUé CHINGADOS?
AND I'M GONNA BE MISS
UTERUS--THAT BEAUTY PAGEANT."
SO I WENT TO THE STATE DINNER
FOR THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO.
BARACK OBAMA INVITED ME.
I'VE BEEN TO
THE WHITE HOUSE 3 TIMES.
A LITTLE KID BORN IN
THE GENERAL HOSPITAL
IN LOS ANGELES...
[CHEERING]
GREW UP IN SAN FERNANDO...
AND THE WHITE HOUSE!
HONRA!
AND EVERY TIME I'VE BEEN
TO THE WHITE HOUSE, I STEAL
SOME SHIT.
[CHEERING]
AND WHEN I WALK OUT,
I LOOK LIKE I STOLE SHIT.
I WENT TO
THE CEREMONY, AHí.
THEY HAD MOLE.
I SAID, "BARACK
OBAMA, CHINGAO!
PINCHE NEGRO--MOLE."
BUT NOBODY PRONOUNCED IT MOLE.
"DID YOU ENJOY THE MOLEE?
THE MOLEE?
DID YOU ENJOY IT?"
"NO, I HAD MOLE."
AND HERE'S THE BEAUTIFUL PART--
I GOT A STAR
ON THE WALK OF FAME.
I GOT A WAX FIGURE--
[CHEERING]
THE GREATEST THING--
THE GREATEST THING THAT'S EVER
HAPPENED IS AT THE WHITE HOUSE
THEY MADE ME CORN AND FLOUR
TORTILLAS IN THE KITCHEN.
[CHEERING]
BECAUSE IF THE PRESIDENT
IS BLACK, GUESS WHO'S
IN THE KITCHEN.
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]
SO THE PRESIDENT COMES
AROUND, "THANK YOU FOR COMING
"TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
"THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
DID YOU ENJOY THE MOLEE?
IT WAS FANTASTIC, WAS IT NOT?"
"IT WAS FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU.
"THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU."
"GEORGE, DID YOU NOT
ENJOY THE MOLEE?"
"COME ON, VATO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE
THAT VOICE NO MORE."
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."
"CHINGADA, VATO.
USE YOUR REAL VOICE."
"YOU WON."
HE LOOKS AROUND.
"MOTHERFUCKER, EAT YOUR SHIT."
[CHEERING]
"EAT YOUR SHIT!
MOTHERFUCKER, EAT
YOUR MOLE SHIT!"
HERE COMES MICHELLE OBAMA.
"WELCOME TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
I'M THE FIRST LADY.
WELCOME TO THE WHITE HOUSE."
"MOTHERFUCKER, EAT YOUR SHIT.
I TOLD THE MOTHERFUCKER--
EAT YOUR SHIT."
AND I FORGOT
I HAD ANOTHER VOICE.
"HANG ON, NEGROS, I'M
WAITING FOR TORTILLAS."
"COOL."
SO THEY HAD THESE
LITTLE PLACEMATS.
THESE LITTLE 24-KARAT GOLD--ON
ONE SIDE IT HAD THE AMERICAN
FLAG, AND THE OTHER SIDE
IT HAD THE MEXICAN FLAG.
YOU EVER SEE SOME SHIT--
THE SECOND YOU SEE IT, YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GONNA STEAL THAT SHIT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHEN THEY CAME TO COLLECT
THEM, THE WAITER WAS LATINO.
I WAS LIKE, "AHH, FUCK."
"DAME LA CHINGADERA, CABRóN."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, VATO."
"PINCHE MEXICANO, DAME
LA CHINGADERA, CABRóN."
AND THEN HE FINALLY GAVE IN.
"I'LL SELL YOU TWO
MORE FOR $100.
"DAME LOS DOS.
"3 FOR 100.
CHINGA SU MADRE.
DON'T TELL THE NEGRO.
IT'S ALL RIGHT."
SO I TOOK IT...
AND SONIA SOTOMAYOR WAS
SITTING AT THE TABLE,
SO I FELT A LITTLE GUILTY.
I WAS LIKE, "CHINGADA--"
BUT THE BEAUTIFUL
PART ABOUT SONIA
SOTOMAYOR WAS WHEN SHE
GOT SWORN IN--LEAVING
THE CEREMONY, SHE FELL...
AND BROKE HER ANKLE.
THAT'S KEEPING IT REAL.
SHE WASN'T EVEN ON THE JOB
YET AND WAS ALREADY
ON WORKMEN'S COMP.
SO--EY, ALL LATINOS
ARE JUDGES ANYWAYS.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE
ONE FUCKING OFFICIAL.
THEY'RE ALL JUDGES--"I
DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIENDS."
"I DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIENDS."
"OH, I DON'T LIKE
YOUR FRIENDS."
SO I WALK OUT, AND I TAKE IT
BACK TO THE HOTEL, AND I'M
LOOKING AT IT IN THE LIGHT--
KISSING IT Y LA VERGA.
[KISSES]
I PUT IT ON THE--NA, ON THE
TABLE RIGHT THERE, WITH THE
MEXICAN FLAG TOWARDS ME...
AND EVERYBODY THAT
I'M WITH SEES IT,
AND THEY FREAK OUT,
"OH, MY, GOD!
"WHAT IS THAT?
"OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS THAT?"
"THAT'S THE FUCKING
THING FROM THE TABLE."
"YOU TOOK IT?
YOU TOOK IT?
YOU TOOK IT?"
"FUCK IT. YEAH.
FUCK YEAH, I TOOK IT."
"AND I TELL YOU WHEN THEY
TAKE YOURS, I WOULD'VE
TAKEN IT, TOO."
AND THEY ALL FREAK OUT,
"OH, MY, GOD.
"I HAVE KIDS.
I HAVE PILATES.
"I'M A DEN MOTHER.
I CAN'T BE AN ACCESSORY.
"I CANNOT.
"I HAVE--I HAVE MOMMY
AND ME CLASS ON MONDAY.
I CAN'T GO TO JAIL."
THIS IS WHAT THEY
TRY TO TELL ME.
GUILT DOES NOT
WORK ON LATINOS.
WE LIVE WITH GUILT.
THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY TO
ME--ALL 3 OF THEM, LIKE
AN INTERVENTION, "WHAT KIND...
"OF AN AMERICAN STEALS...
FROM THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES?"
I SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT
KIND, MOTHERFUCKERS?
A MEXICAN AMERICAN."
[CHEERING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
LOS ANGELES. I LOVE YOU!
[CHEERING]
GRACIAS, HBO!
VIVA MéXICO!
VIVA LA RAZA!
SHOW!
GOOD NIGHT!
HONRA!
[CHEERING]
♪
Man: ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♪
♪ THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♪
♪
♪ LOW RIDER DRIVES
A LITTLE SLOWER ♪
♪ LOW RIDER IS A REAL GOER ♪
♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪
♪ LOW RIDER KNOWS
EVERY STREET, YEAH ♪
♪ LOW RIDER IS THE ONE
TO MEET, YEAH ♪
♪
HEY, GEORGE,
WANT A HAIRCUT?
UH, NO, CHEECH.
I'M GOOD.
HEY, TONY CALLED.OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE SAID
THE UPHOLSTERY
IS ALL DONE.
COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
YOU COULD USE
A HAIRCUT, THOUGH.
♪
Man: ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♪
[ENGINE STARTS]
♪ THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♪
HEY, RAY.HEY, HEY, GEORGE.
GOOD LUCK TONIGHT, MAN.
YOU'RE GONNA KILL.
THANKS, BROTHER. HA HA!
♪
Man: ♪ LOW RIDER DRIVES
A LITTLE SLOWER ♪
EVA.
HI, GEORGE.
IS THIS THING EVEN
SMOG-CHECKED?
NO.WELL, GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.
♪ LOW RIDER IS THE ONE
TO MEET, YEAH ♪
CONAN.
HEY, GEORGE.
HAVE A GREAT SHOW.
APPRECIATE IT.
YO, LAKERS.
OH, GEORGE.
WHAT'S UP, BABY?
WE GOT STEVE NASH.
TELL THAT ESE TO
PASS THE BALL, EH?
♪ LOW RIDER KNOWS
EVERY STREET, YEAH ♪
♪ LOW RIDER... ♪
TONY. ANTONIO,
IS IT READY?
ALL GOOD, GEORGE.
NEW BRASS, PLUSH.
YEAH.
READY FOR THE RIDE.
HEY, GEORGE.
GO MAKE RICHARD PROUD.
óRALE.
LOAD IT UP!
LOAD IT UP, EVERYONE.
♪ TAKE A LITTLE TRIP,
TAKE A LITTLE TRIP ♪
♪ TAKE A LITTLE
TRIP AND SEE ♪
♪ TAKE A LITTLE TRIP,
TAKE A LITTLE TRIP ♪
♪ TAKE A LITTLE
TRIP WITH ME ♪
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
♪
♪ LOW RIDER DON'T USE
NO GAS NOW ♪
George: óRALE!
WHOO!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, LOS ANGELES!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, HBO!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA!
[CHEERING]
óRALE, MEXICO!
[CHEERING]
TONIGHT WE ARE LIVE ON HBO.
MUCHISIMAS GRACIAS.
THANK YOU.
IT'S CHICANO TIME.
LET'S GO CHOLO!
"WHAT? GO CHOLO?
I'M SCARED.
IS THAT A NUMBER
5 AT CHIPOTLE?"
óRALE!
FUCK CHIPOTLE.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
REAL SHIT TONIGHT.
[CHEERING]
7,000 PEOPLE AND MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE AT HOME, BUT YOU 7,000
PEOPLE HAVE PAID
TO SEE A MEXICAN.
GRACIAS!
[CHEERING]
WHOA!
YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF AT
HOME, WHAT KIND OF AN AMERICAN
CAN SELL 7,000 TICKETS?
YOU KNOW WHAT KIND,
MOTHERFUCKERS?
A MEXICAN AMERICAN.
[CHEERING]
I LOVE IT, BECAUSE YOU CAN
SEE US WORK ALL DAY FOR FREE.
[LAUGHTER]
"MOVE YOU FEE. MOVE YOU FEE,"
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
WE WORK.
LATINOS...
FROM THE TIME WE'RE BORN,
THE MINUTE WE COME
OUT OF THE WOMB...
"CUT MY CORD,
I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
"CUT MY CORD.
I DON'T HAVE A VACATION DAY.
I WAS JUST BORN.
CUT MY CORD!"
WE WORK.
WE DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
WE DON'T WANT TO TALK.
WE JUST WANT TO WORK.
"WHAT TIME DO YOU CLOSE?"
"OH, QUE LA CHINGADA..."
"WHAT TIME DO YOU CLOSE?"
"MIRA, CABRONA, NO CLOSE."
WE'RE NOT CONCERNED
WITH SAFETY--THE LATINO.
WE DON'T WEAR GOGGLES.
WE DON'T WEAR ELBOW PADS,
WE JUST FUCKING WORK.
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THE LITTLE
CAUTION SIGNS--YOU'VE SEEN THEM.
"CAUTION," UNDERNEATH,
"PELYGRO."
"PELYGRO? HMM."
WE DON'T HAVE THOSE
SIGNS WHEN WE WORK,
BECAUSE WE'VE TAKEN
THEM HOME...
AND WE'RE USING THEM
AS SOCCER GOAL POSTS.
"PEGA LA PELOTA CABRóN."
"CHINGALE G EY."
"CHINGA SU MADRE."
"PEGA AL HOMBRE."
WE JUST ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A WET FLOOR...
IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S YOU.
WE ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WET FLOOR
AND A DRY FLOOR.
WE KNOW, SO WHEN YOU FALL,
THERE'S NO SYMPATHY.
[BANG]
"MIRA, CABRONA, ESTA WET."
"MIRA, ES CHINY.
"CHINY, ES WET.
"DRY ES DRY, PERO CHINY...
ES MOJADO--WET."
COMO SE DICE "PELYGRO"?
"ES WET.
MIRA, CABRONA, COMO
LA PANOCHA--WET."
[CHEERING]
"AND DRY.
"WET, COMO LA PANOCHA...
AND DRY."
EVERYBODY!
WET...
Audience: WET...
AND DRY...
Audience: AND DRY.
Audience: WET AND DRY.
[CHEERING]
TONIGHT IS A CELEBRATION OF
BEING LATINO IN THIS GREAT
COUNTRY, THE UNITED STATES.
[CHEERING]
WE LOVE THIS COUNTRY!
WE GET BLAMED FOR A LOT OF
SHIT, BUT WE STILL LOVE--
THERE'S A FUCKING FLY THAT'S
COMING THAT THEY SAY IS
A MEXICAN FLY.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL?
DOES HE BUZZ QUITE--
[BUZZ]
[BUZZ]
YOU LOOK THROUGH THE
MICROSCOPE--"THIS FLY HAS
A WIFE BEATER AND
A TATTOO ON HIS NECK."
"HE TOLD--HE CALLED ME A PUTO.
HEY, FLY."
WE GET BLAMED FOR SO MUCH
SHIT, AND WE TAKE IT.
I'M TELLING YOU TONIGHT,
WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT
SHIT ANYMORE.
IT'S OUR TIME.
[CHEERING]
WE DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE THAT SHIT.
WHEN THE SWINE FLU FIRST
STARTED, THEY CALLED IT THE
MEXICAN FLU, AND EVEN MEXICANS
WERE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S
PROLLY US."
"THAT'S PROLLY US
BECAUSE WE LIKE PORK."
MIRA, ASí COMIENZA, MIRA.
ESTA COMIENDO CARNITAS...
CHICHARRONES CON
CHILE, LIMóN...
TRIPAS, MENUDO, UNA PATA DE--
[SLURPING SOUND]
AND...
ASí COMIENZA, YOU GET PORK ON
YOUR HAND, COMO EL ACEITE--THE
OIL, Y LUEGO HACES PIPí.
NOW, YOU TOUCH YOURSELF,
Y YA TIENES PEE
AND PORK--LOS DOS.
LIKE A GLUE.
COMO UNA GOMA.
LIKE A GLUE, AND THEN
YOU TOUCH YOUR EYE, Y YA.
YA ESTAS INFECTED CON SWINE.
YA ESTAS LLENO DE SWINE.
THEN YOU GO TO WORK AND
SHAKE HANDS WITH A NEGRO,
"HEY, BROTHER.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?"
[POOF]
AND HE TAKES IT TO
THE NEGRO WORLD.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT N1H1--
ONE NEGRO AND ONE HISPANIC.
[CHEERING]
SHOUT!
TONIGHT...
FUCK IT, LET'S ALL
BE LATINO TONIGHT.
TONIGHT WE'RE ALL LATINOS!
[CHEERING]
WAIT.
HANG ON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
"MY TRUCK IS ALMOST PAID OFF.
I WILL NOT--"
"I DON'T WANT TO BE LATINO,
I HAVE TWO MORE PAYMENTS.
"I CANNOT GET BEHIND ON
MY CHILD SUPPORT.
I WILL NOT."
LOOK AT ALL THE GIRLS.
"I WANT TO BE LATINO.
I WANT TO WEAR
A BATHING SUIT."
TONIGHT...
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
LATINAS ARE UNBELIEVABLY
BEAUTIFUL.
EXOTIC...
CHICHONAS...
NALGONAS...
TETONAS...
CABRONAS...
ALL THE NAS.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL 'EM NANAS.
CABRONA, CHICHONA--NANA!
LATINAS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THE PROBLEM IS YOU GOT TO GET
'EM BEFORE THEY GET FAT.
ABOUT 16 MONTHS--GRAB ONE.
DON'T LET HER DRINK SODA.
DON'T LET HER DRINK SODA.
OR PLUCK HER EYEBROWS.
WATCH HER, BECAUSE SHE WILL.
BEAUTIFUL LATINAS.
BEAUTIFUL.
EXOTIC AND DARK.
WE LAY IN THE SUN,
WE GET DARKER.
WE GET GOLD, WE GET
ORANGE, COMO SNOOKI.
I LOOK LIKE A CHICANO--
FUCKING SNOOKI.
WE DON'T USE SUN BLOCK.
WE JUST GET DARKER.
FUCK IT.
"WELL, WHAT KIND OF
OIL DO YOU USE?"
"WE USE THE OIL
FROM OUR FACE."
óRALE.
"WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU
NEED SOMETHING STRONGER?"
"EL CULO." VáMONOS.
BULLFROG.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S TALK SHIT,
SINCE WE'RE ALL LATINOS.
LET'S TALK SHIT.
BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, THAT'S
WHAT WE DO WHEN WE GET
TOGETHER--WE TALK SHIT.
EVEN IF YOU'RE IN THE CAR,
YOU TALK SHIT BY YOURSELF.
"LOOK AT THAT FUCKING PUTO."
[HONK]
"AAH!"
SOME PEOPLE DON'T TALK SHIT.
THEY TRY TO BE RESPECTFUL.
"WELL, I WOULD SAY THAT
SHE'S NOT MY CUP OF TEA."
LATINOS, WE DON'T GIVE
A FUCK--"I DON'T WANT THAT
FUCKING BITCH IN MY HOUSE."
"OYEME, CABRóN.
"I DON'T WANT HER
IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!
"HER OR HER FUCKING DRUG-ADDICT
FUCKING HUSBAND IN MY
"FUCKING HOUSE!
"AND THE KIDS, HALF OF THEM
THEY TOOK AWAY--I DON'T WANT
THE OTHER HALF IN
MY FUCKING HOUSE!"
"ARE YOU SAYING THAT SHE'S
NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA?"
"MIRA, CABRóN.
I DON'T FUCKING DRINK TEA."
"I DRINK PATRON WITH LEMONADE.
ALL I KNOW!
"Y MARIJUANA AND A VICODINE.
ALL I KNOW!
"Y ME CHINGO UN XANAX
AND UN PROZAC TAMBIéN, Y--
"ALL I KNOW IS I DON'T WANT
THEM IN MY FUCKING HOUSE.
"LISTEN TO MY FACE.
LISTEN TO MY FACE.
"I DON'T WANT THEM--
LISTEN TO MY FACE!
"I DON'T WANT THEM...
IN MY FUCKING HOUSE."
EVERYBODY.
"I DON'T WANT THEM
IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!"
[CHEERING]
LISTEN, WE--WE ARE SO PROUD--
LATINO PEOPLE--AND WE GROW UP
THE HARD WAY.
LISTEN, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS
A RACIST, LA CABRONA...
LIKE ALL YOUR GRANDMOTHERS.
RACISTA.
RACIST.
ALL THE GIRLS KNOW.
IF YOU'RE A GIRL, YOUR
GRANDMOTHER WILL TELL YOU,
"MIRA, CABRONA, CASATE CON
UN NEGRO, AND YOU'RE DEAD.
"TO ME, YOU'RE DEAD.
"SI TE CASAS CON
UN NEGRO, FORGET IT.
"I'M NOT GONNA
LEAVE YOU MY CHANGE.
"GET OUT OF HERE, PORQUE ERES
PUTA CABRONA, CON UN NEGRO--
GET OUT OF HERE!"
MY GRANDMOTHER DIDN'T LIKE
BLACK PEOPLE, AND TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, BLACK PEOPLE
FUCKING DIDN'T LIKE HER.
SHE WOULD SEE ME WALKING WITH
MY TWO FRIENDS, AND THE LOOK
OF DISGUST--AGH.
"MIRA QUIéN VIENE,
EARTH WIND AND FEO.
"YOU'RE FEO!
"YOU THINK YOU'RE EARTH.
"CABRóN, LOOK AT HIM.
PINCHE NEGRO."
AND SHE WOULD TALK SHIT ABOUT
HIM, BUT THEY HEARD NEGRO--
THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY."
"MIRA, CABRóN, WHEN I'M
AT WORK, NO ME GUSTAN LOS
PINCHE NEGROS."
"HEY!"
"WHEN I'M AT WORK,
NO ME GUSTA EL CHOCOLATE."
"CHOCOLATE? WHAT?
THE FUCKING M&Ms?"
VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
LISTEN, THEY RAISE
US TO BE TOUGH.
THAT'S WHY OUR KIDS
ARE NOT SPOILED.
WE RAISE OUR KIDS TO BE
TOUGH AND NOT SPOILED.
OTHER PEOPLE RAISE THEIR
KIDS--THEY ENTERTAIN THEM.
THEIR JOB IS TO
ENTERTAIN THEM.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
DO TODAY, COOPER?
"DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLOR
ME MINE, GYMBOREE?
"WANT TO SCOUR THE
INTERNET FOR THINGS TO DO?
HAVE YOU GOT A GROUPON
ON YOUR IPHONE?"
WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
WE'RE NOT THERE TO
ENTERTAIN OUR KIDS.
THEY COME UP TO YOU, "I
DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO."
"OH, YEAH?
FIND YOUR TEETH."
[BANG]
THAT'S HOW WE RAISE
THEM TOUGH, WITH VALUES.
THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.
OLD SCHOOL.
WE RAISE THEM OLD SCHOOL,
BUT NEW SCHOOL.
WE TEACH THEM RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW!
THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET SPOILED,
LIKE ALL THESE OTHER LITTLE
WHITE KIDS ARE ALL ENTITLED.
THAT STUPID FUCKING
LOOK ON THEIR FACE.
AND THEY'RE ALL ON MEDICINE.
ANY ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS
IS ON MEDICINE.
IT'S THE SAME SHIT WE HAD.
WE WEREN'T ON MEDICINE,
BECAUSE A FUCKING PUTAZO WAS
AS GOOD AS A PILL.
[BANG]
"I'M FINE.
YES. I'M FANTASTIC.
"I WAS ACTING CRAZY,
BUT SOMEHOW, NOW, I'M FANTASTIC.
HIJO DE LA CHINGADA,
THAT HURTS."
ALL THESE KIDS
HAVE CELL PHONES.
WHO THE FUCK...
ARE THEY GONNA CALL AT 7?
"HI, IS THIS SPONGEBOB?
OH, MY GOD.
"IS THIS SPONGEBOB?
OH, MY GOD.
IS THIS SPONGEBOB?
OH, MY GO--"
WE DON'T GET OUR KIDS PHONES.
ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN THEY'RE 8.
AND THEY TRY TO ASK,
"CAN I--CAN I GET A--CAN I
GET A PHONE?"
"¿PA' QUé, CABRóN?"
AND GUILT DON'T WORK
ON LATINO PARENTS...
LIKE IT WORKS
ON WHITE PARENTS.
"WHAT IF THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY?"
"WHAT IF--WHAT IF THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY AND YOU'RE
NOT THERE?"
"WELL, THEN, YOU'RE FUCKED."
[CHEERING]
AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT
YOU--"IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY
"AND I'M NOT THERE, DON'T
FUCKING COME RUNNING OVER HERE.
"BECAUSE I GOT A WARRANT.
"I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING TO YOU.
LOOK AT MY FUCKING
ANKLE BRACELET."
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP.
WE DON'T TAKE THEM
EVERYWHERE THEY GO.
NOW, WHEN A BABY'S BORN
THE PARENTS TAKE THEM.
THEY GOT A BABY BJORN.
GOT A PINCHE BABY
CUELGANDO IN THE FRONT.
"IS HE ALL RIGHT?"
"YES, HE'S FINE."
WE HAVE A RULE--YOU
DON'T WALK, YOU DON'T GO.
YOU EVER SEE A LITTLE
CHOLITO DUDE TRYING TO UNDO
A STROLLER?
THE DUDE'S, LIKE, 18.
HE'S GOT A BABY.
HE'S LIKE, "FUCK."
"HURRY UP!"
"HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS
THING--"
"HURRY UP!"
"AW, FUCK.
I WANTED A BLOWJOB, BUT NO.
I HAD TO FUCKING
PUT IT IN, HUH?"
NOW IF A PARENT
HAS ONE KID...
THE KID IS ON A LEASH.
LIKE A FUCKING MONKEY TAIL
HANGING OUT OF THEIR BACK.
WE KNOW IT'S A LEASH.
MY AUNT HAD 7 KIDS.
WHEN SHE LEFT
K-MART, SHE LEFT.
SHE SAID, "I'M LEAVING."
SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK BACK.
"FUCK YOU GUYS."
YOU SEE 7 KIDS--
"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!"
"I TOLD YOU I WAS LEAVING.
FUCK YOU."
DIFFERENT PEOPLE--LISTEN,
THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SO SAFE
FOR KIDS NOW.
WHEN THEY HALLOWEEN--WHEN
THEY GO TRICK-OR-TREATING...
THEY DON'T EVEN GO
AT NIGHT ANYMORE.
LATINOS, WE WANT IT
TO BE PITCH BLACK.
WE DON'T WANT NOBODY TO SEE
US, BECAUSE WE TRICK-OR-TREAT
WELL INTO OUR EARLY 40s.
"IS THAT A MAN?"
"NO, I THINK THAT'S A WEREWOLF."
"GACHATE, CABRóN, GACHATE."
AND I LIVE IN ONE OF THOSE
NEIGHBORHOODS WHERE THEY BRING
ALL THE POBRES--
ALL THE POOR KIDS.
ALL THE BLACK AND LATINO KIDS,
THEY BRING THEM TO THE
NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE THEY
GET BETTER CANDY AND THEY
ANSWER THE DOOR.
NOT LIKE IN LATINO HOUSES.
[KNOCKING]
[BARKING LIKE A DOG]
"YOU WANT CANDY,
COME AND GET IT."
[BARKING]
AAH!
SO THEY BRING THEM TO A BETTER
NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I TELL THE
WOMEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
"THAT'S RACIST.
THAT IS RACIAL PROFILING."
"BITCH, IT AIN'T RACIAL
PROFILING IF YOU GET IT RIGHT."
"ONLY IF YOU GET IT WRONG."
AND SHE GOES, "HOW DO YOU
KNOW THEY'RE LATINOS?"
I SAID, "YOU KNOW HOW?
MIRA, CABRONA, LOOK.
SEE MY LEMON TREE?"
WAIT FOR ME.
"SEE MY--SEE, ALL
MY LEMONS ARE GONE.
MEXICANS."
"LOOK AT THIS,
CLAMATO AND A CORONA.
A CHELADA--MEXICANOS."
"LOOK AT THIS, A HAIR."
"HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT'S MEXICAN?"
"BLOND WITH A BLACK ROOT?"
CASE CLOSED.
AND LITTLE LATINO KIDS,
WHEN THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
THEY STICK THEIR
HEAD IN THE HOUSE.
BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO
SEE SHIT ALL MATCHING.
YOU KNOW?
[KNOCKING]
"AH, CABRóN, MIRA,
ESTá BONITO. WOW.
THEY HAVE PLANTS INSIDE!"
AND WITH A ACCENT--
"TRIGA-TRING!"
"I'M SORRY.
I DON'T--I'M NOT--"
"TRIGA-TRING!"
"TRIGA-TREEN?
"I DON'T--DO YOU WANT
TO GO TO HOME DEPOT?
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING."
ALL THE KIDS NOW, WHO ARE
NON-LATINOS, TRICK-OR-TREAT
AT 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON,
BECAUSE IT'S SAFE.
THEY DON'T WEAR COSTUMES,
SO THEY DON'T SCARE.
THEY DON'T HAVE MASKS,
THEY JUST HAVE A LITTLE MAKE-UP,
AND AT 2:30,
THAT'S WHAT YOU SEE. YOU HEAR--
[KNOCKING]
YOU OPEN THE DOOR,
THE SUN IS IN YOUR EYES.
"TRICK OR TREAT!"
"IT'S FUCKING 2:30.
COME BACK WHEN
IT'S DARK, PUTO."
AND THERE'S ALWAYS THAT
ONE KID THAT TALKS SHIT.
HE COMES BACK, "I'M NOT
A PUTO, I'M A PIRATE."
WE...
TEACH OUR KIDS WITH WORDS THAT
DON'T GIVE THEM ANY DOUBT.
WE RAISE OUR KIDS WITH DOUBT.
THEY HAVE TO HAVE DOUBT.
NOT EVERYTHING CAN
GO THEIR WAY.
OTHER KIDS, YOU TELL THEM,
"I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD
"FOR TWO WEEKS.
HA!"
WE RAISE OUR KIDS WITH
WORDS LIKE SUPPOSE...
AND ALMOST, SO THEY'RE
NOT ALWAYS SURE.
"DID YOU GUYS GO
TO DISNEY WORLD?"
"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO."
"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO."
"WE ALMOST WENT..."
"BUT WE DIDN'T."
THAT'S A BIG WORD
WITH LATINOS--ALMOST.
YOU HEAR IT EVERY
TIME WE'RE IN THE CAR.
WE'RE DRIVING, "FUCK, I
ALMOST GOT A JOB RIGHT THERE."
"I ALMOST FUCKED A GIRL
THAT WORKED RIGHT THERE."
"I WAS SUPPOSED TO,
BUT I DIDN'T."
"ALMOST."
"SHE TOOK A PROZAC AND WENT
TO SLEEP, LA CABRONA."
WE DON'T DRESS LIKE OUR KIDS.
THAT'S GAY.
TO DRESS EXACTLY LIKE
YOUR CHILD--SAME SHORTS,
SAME SHIRT, SAME HAT,
BACKPACK, FUCKING SHOES
THAT LIGHT UP.
TING, TING, TING, TING.
WE DON'T DO THAT SHIT.
IF A LATINO AND HIS SON ARE
DRESSED ALIKE, THEY WORK
AT THE SAME FUCKING PLACE.
"CAN I SPEAK TO THE MANAGER?"
"HANG ON.
PAPI, TE QUIEREN EN FRENTE.
"PAPI, COME TO
THE FRONT, PLEASE.
"PAPI, COME TO THE FRONT.
"THERE'S A PVC HERE TO SEE YOU.
A PVC."
"WHAT'S THAT?"
"UH, PINCHE VATO CULERO."
"HUH?"
GOOGLE THAT SHIT,
MOTHERFUCKERS.
WE'RE DIFF--LISTEN, AND WHEN
THEY TEACH KIDS TO SWIM NOW,
THEY GOT--THEY'RE NOT GONNA
SWIM, BECAUSE THEY JUST FLOAT.
THEY GOT WATER WINGS, AND
A AIR VEST, AND SHOES SO THEY
DON'T BURN THEIR FEET.
US, WE'RE JUST PUT
INTO THE WATER.
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
"KICK YOUR LEGS.
YOU GOT IT.
KICK YOUR LEGS.
I'M RIGHT HERE."
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
AND YOU'RE UNDERWATER.
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
AND YOU CAN SEE YOUR FUCKING
HOUSE THROUGH THE WATER,
WITH PEOPLE PINCHE
BAILANDO Y ASí.
"I'M FUCKING DROWNING.
THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY."
[UNDERWATER BUBBLES]
YOU GET TO THE EDGE.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
YOU GOT MOCOS AND SHIT FLYING.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
"I ALMOST DROWNED."
"BUT YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?"
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
HOW YOU LEARN.
THAT'S HOW YOU LEARN!"
"WITH SOME PELIGRO."
WHEN A BABY'S GONNA BE BORN,
WE DON'T BABY-PROOF THE HOUSE.
LIKE OTHER PEOPLE, THEY PAINT.
"IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?"
"IT'S A BOY. BLUE."
"FANTASTIC."
WE LEAVE THE HOUSE THE SAME.
HOW THEY GONNA LEARN?
WE DON'T ROUND
OFF THE CORNERS...
OR PUT PLASTIC PLUGS
IN THE SOCKET.
WE DON'T EVEN PUT
PLASTIC PLUGS.
WE DON'T EVEN GOT THE
PLASTIC FRAME THAT GOES
AROUND THE SOCKET.
YOU CAN SEE INTO THE GARAGE.
"OYE, TIO."
"YO!"
"COME IN--RIGHT HERE.
THE FINGER. CAMBIALE."
IF WE SEE A KID WALKING
WITH A FORK, WE FOLLOW HIM.
"WHERE YOU GOING?"
"¿PA' DóNDE VAS? YOU'RE
GONNA PUT IT IN THE HOLE?
"PONLE, CABRóN.
PONLE. NOT LIKE THAT.
"PUT IT LIKE THAT...
"SO YOU GET A BETTER
CONNECTION, PONLE ASí.
LOS DOS, TOGETHER."
[PZZT]
"YEAH, FUCKING
TOUCH IT AGAIN."
"TOUCH IT AGAIN!"
OH, HERE COMES THE BROTHER
WITH A BUTTER KNIFE.
"TOCALE, CABRóN.
LET ME TAKE THE BUTTER OFF SO
YOU GET A BETTER CONNECTION."
"PUT--PUT IT IN THERE--"
[PZZT]
"AY!
FUCKING TWINS.
LOS DOS."
TO PUT A KID IN A CAR
SEAT NOW, IT'S LIKE
THE MOTHERFUCKER'S
GOING TO THE MOON.
IT USED TO JUST BE--
[BANG]
NOW, YOU--YOU PUT HIM IN.
[BANGING]
WE--WE DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR THAT SHIT.
"IT'S LAST CALL.
JUST LAY DOWN IN THE BACK."
SOME PEOPLE DON'T DRINK
IN FRONT OF THEIR KIDS.
"MAS PUTO..."
"MY--MY KIDS WILL NEVER SEE
ME DRUNK, BECAUSE IT IS A BAD
EXAMPLE TO SET,
AND I DON'T LIKE IT."
"HAZ...POQUE TORRE UN...CA."
[SNORING]
"THEY LET HIM OFF EARLY,
AND THIS IS WHERE WE
FOUND HIM."
"¿CUCO?"
[SNORING]
LISTEN, I'VE
CHANGED MY THINKING.
I THINK MORE BLACK AND
LATINO PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE
KIDS TOGETHER.
LOOK AT HIM.
"NOW YOU'RE TALKING
CRAZY SHIT, VATO. RELAX."
WE'D MAKE BEAUTIFUL BABIES.
THEY GOT FUCKED-UP HAIR.
TRY TO GET A COMB, "AAH!"
BECAUSE WITH IMMIGRATION
THE WAY IT IS, WE NEED TO CREATE
SOME LATINOS
THAT CAN FUCKING RUN.
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW,
WE'RE PINCHE GORDOS.
WE CAN'T RUN--
"IMMIGRATION! AY!"
IF WE HAD SOME BLACK,
WE'D BE GONE.
"IMMIGRATION!"
PFT PFT PFT.
"SON OF A BITCH."
"FUCK, HE LEFT HIS WALLET."
PFT PFT PFT.
HERE'S THE BEAUTIFUL
PART ABOUT IMMIGRATION.
THIS COUNTRY IS MADE UP OF
A LOT OF DIFFERENT
NATIONALITIES, AND NONE OF
THEM ARE GOING ANYWHERE,
SO WE'RE--THAT'S WHAT MADE
THIS COUNTRY GREAT--DIVERSITY.
MY GRANDMOTHER
WAS GONE, MAN.
SHE WAS CRAZY.
MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO USE
DIFFERENT ETHNICITIES TO
REMIND HER OF SHIT THAT
SHE NEEDED TO GET.
LIKE SHE NEVER MADE A LIST.
YOU KNOW PEOPLE SAY, "I
NEED SHAMPOO, I NEED TO GET
SOME BREAD."
SHE'D BE IN THE MARKET
AND SEE AN ASIAN,
"AY, A FUCKING CHINITO.
GET RICE."
"I SAW THE CHINITO, AND THEN
I REMEMBERED THAT I NEEDED TO
"GET RICE AND A PEDICURE,
BECAUSE MY TACONES ESTáN BIEN
FUCKED UP. THEY'RE CRACKED."
SHE SEES SOMEBODY FROM
THE MIDDLE EAST, "OH, NO."
"GET DEODORANT."
"WHAT?"
"GET DEODORANT,
PINCHE HEDIONDO.
"GET DEODORANT...
AND TOWELS, PA'
ACABAR DE CHINGAR."
SHE SEES SOMEBODY BLACK,
"EY, GET CHARCOAL
"FOR THE BARBECUE.
"PINCHE NEGRO...
AND LOCK THE DOOR."
THE SHIT THAT WORKS ON
OTHER PEOPLE DOESN'T WORK
ON LATINOS.
WHEN WE ABUSE DRUGS
AND ALCOHOL, WE'RE JUST
DRUG ADDICTS...
AND NOT ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE.
"I DON'T WANT THE PINCHE
MARIJUANO IN MY FUCKING HOUSE."
BUT WHEN OTHER FAMILIES HAVE
A DRUG ADDICT, ALL THE FAMILY
GETS TOGETHER, THEY FLY IN,
THEY HAVE AN INTERVENTION.
THEY'RE VERY ORGANIZED.
NO ONE KNOWS.
"WE'RE HAVING
AN INTERVENTION FOR RILEY.
"HE'S ABUSING PRESCRIPTION
DRUGS AND MARIJUANA.
"RILEY IS NOT AWARE THAT WE'RE
GONNA ACCOST HIM AND READ THE
"TIMES THAT HE'S BEEN DRUNK IN
PUBLIC AND USING BARBITURATES
AND MARIJUANA."
AND HE COMES IN, "HEY,
WHAT'S GOING ON?"
"RILEY, YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT."
25 MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY.
YOU CAN'T GET 25 BLACK AND
LATINO PEOPLE TOGETHER UNLESS
YOU HAVE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
"WE AIN'T GONNA FUCKING
SHOW UP JUST TO TALK.
"WHAT? FUCK, SHIT.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
"WHAT THE HELL?
THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT, EY."
"I DON'T WANT HIM
TO STOP SMOKING WEED.
HE'S MY BEST CUSTOMER."
HERE'S THE BEAUTIFUL PART--
WHEN YOU DECIDE WHO YOU WANT
TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH,
MAKE SURE IT'S SOMEBODY WHO
LOVES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND
WHAT YOU ARE AND YOUR GOOD
SIDE AND YOUR BAD SIDE.
FIND SOMEBODY--GOOD LUCK!
GOOD LUCK!
BECAUSE IF YOU GOT A DUDE THAT
DRINKS AND YOU WANT A DUDE
THAT DON'T DRINK, MAKE IT EASY
ON YOURSELF, DATE A DUDE THAT
DON'T DRINK.
SO WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,
HE'S GONNA FUCKING DRINK MORE.
IT'S NATURAL.
SO THAT WAY, YOU'RE NOT AT THE
WEDDING, COUNTING HIS DRINKS.
YOU'RE LAUGHING.
EVERYTHING COOL, AND YOU SEE...
"THAT'S 3 DRINKS."
[CHEERING]
AND THEY RUN UP ON YOU AND
YELL AT YOU, BUT THEY THINK
THAT THEY'RE WHISPERING.
"I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
"FUCK, YOU SCARED ME.
TAKE IT EASY."
"I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
AND EVERYBODY AT
THE WEDDING, "OH, SHIT."
"¿QUé PASó?"
"AH, PINCHE LA CABRONA WENT
AT HIM, AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T
LIKE YOU WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK."
"AND WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE HASN'T SAID NOTHING.
WE'RE WAITING RIGHT NOW."
"I DON'T LIKE YOU WHEN
YOU--YOU'RE DRUNK."
"WELL...¿SABES QUé?
I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHEN I'M SOBER."
"FUCK, SHUT THE FUCK--
I'M ALL FUCKED UP."
[IMITATES VOMITING]
WHEN YOU'RE DATING AND GIRLS
START TO SPEND THE NIGHT,
NONE OF THEM SNORE.
LINGERIE, HALF A
NIPPLE POPPING OUT...
AY!
"NOT YET.
NOT YET."
"NOT YET."
"PUT YOUR CHORIZO AWAY.
NOT YET."
AND WHEN THEY--WHEN THEY
SLEEP--BEAUTIFUL, LA CABRONA.
BEAUTIFUL FACE...
WITH LIKE A LOVE IN THE
AIR Y LA CHI--
AND THEY CATCH THEMSELVES--
[SNORING]
"DO YOU SNORE?"
"OH, MY, GOD!
"I DON'T.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I DON'T.
"DON'T PUT IT ON TWITTER.
DON'T PUT IT ON FACEBOOK.
"I DON'T...
AND DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME.
I SWEAR, I DON'T SNORE."
THE MINUTE YOU GET MARRIED,
THE MINUTE YOU SAY, "I DO,"
THEY DO.
PINCHE WEDDING NIGHT--
[SNORING]
YOU MOVE THEM, AND THEY
MOVE TO THE SNORE...
[SNORING]
LIKE A RAPPER.
[SNORING]
FUCKING BELL.
[SNORING]
FUCKING QUEEFS.
[SNORING]
[KNOCKING]
"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"YEAH, THEY'RE
JUST SOME QUEEFS.
GO BACK TO SLEEP."
THAT'S HOW YOU START GETTING
THE CUTE NICKNAMES, "óRALE
MISSES SUTHERLAND."
"WHAT?"
"QUEEFER?"
"QUEEFER SUTHERLAND?"
"24?"
"LAST NIGHT YOU DID 16,
BUT TONIGHT YOU'LL
PROLLY DO 24."
AND WHEN THEY SNORE,
THEY SNORE.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
PHONE RINGING, TV ON,
TWO-YEAR-OLD OPENING
THEIR EYE.
[SNORING]
THEY'LL GO TO THE DOCTOR
AND GET ONE OF THOSE JET
FIGHTER MASKS.
"THAT'S SO HOT."
THEY COME TO BED.
PFT...
"UH, ROGER, ONE-9er,
UH, ROGER--"
[SNORING]
"UH, GOOD NIGHT, UH, ROGER,
ONE-9er, UH, ROGER?"
"DO YOU WANT SOME HEAD?"
"NO, THANKS, TOP GUN.
I'M COOL.
I'LL JACK OFF IN
THE OTHER ROOM."
AND THEN, IF YOU'RE A DUDE,
AND THEY GOT A DOG,
THE FUCKING DOG SNORES, TOO.
PINCHE VIEJA AND THE DOG
ARE HOLDING PAWS AND HANDS.
[SNORING]
[WHINE WHINE]
YOU EVER SEE A DOG HAVE
NIGHTMARES IN THEIR SLEEP?
[GROWLS]
FUCKING SHIT.
[HOWLS]
SO, YOU GOT THIS--PFT...
[WHINE]
PFT...
[WHINE]
AND THE MINUTE YOU GO TO
THE BATHROOM, THE DOG ROLLS
IN YOUR SPOT.
"EY, FUCKING DOG, BEAT IT."
"WELL, YOU TELL HIM
I'M NOT GONNA MOVE."
"THAT'S THE DOG AND SHE'S
NOT GONNA MOVE, SO GET
OUT OF HERE."
IF A DOG IS IN YOUR BED,
YOU HAVE LOST CONTROL
OF YOUR BED.
A BED IS A MAN'S BED.
THE BEDROOM IS
THE MAN'S BEDROOM.
THERE'S NO ROOM FOR
A PINCHE PERRO ON THE BED.
BUT INSTEAD,
WE DON'T SAY NOTHING.
EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DATING
AND THEY PEE, IT'S CUTE.
WHEN THEY PEE, IT SOUNDS
LIKE A LITTLE ICE CREAM
TRUCK, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN HEAR IT--"I'M
GONNA GO POTTY."
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE
TEEDLE DITTLE LOO ♪
♪ TEET TUREET TUTEET TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE
TEEDLE DITTLE LOO ♪
♪ TEET TUREET TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEET TEET TEEDLE
DOO TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEET TEET TEEDLE
DOO TEET TEET ♪
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE ♪
♪ TEEDLE DITTLE LEE
TUT TUREET ♪
"HEY!"
"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"I DROPPED MY LIP GLOSS."
LISTEN, LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE, AND
BE HAPPY BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO
SHORT, NO MATTER
HOW LONG YOU LIVE!
[CHEERING]
IT'S TOO SHORT.
YOU SEE PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT
EVERY FUCKING THING THEY PUT
IN THEIR BODY.
LATINOS, WE JUST EAT.
WE LOVE TO EAT.
WE HAVE FUN.
WE ENJOY LIFE.
[CHEERING]
YOU SEE PEOPLE GO TO THE
RESTAURANT, "UM, HI. UM,
"I'M A VEGAN...
AND I DON'T CONSUME MEAT,
AND I DON'T CONSUME DAIRY."
"WELL, THEN, WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"I DON'T CONSUME--"
"I HEARD YOU."
"AND I DON'T CONSUME DAIRY."
"HEH. NO, BUT YOU'LL SUCK
A DICK, HUH, CABRONA?"
"THERE'S MILK IN THERE.
KEEP PULLING IT."
LISTEN, LIVE YOUR LIFE.
GET FAT.
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU SHOULD BE
THE FATTEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN
IN YOUR LIFE.
LET YOUR PALLBEARERS
WORRY ABOUT IT. FUCK THAT.
LET THEM WORRY ABOUT IT.
"AY, QUE LA CHINGADA. FUCK.
"PINCHE GORDO, HOW FAR
DO WE HAVE TO GO?
"AY, MY LEG IS BURNING.
"I GOT TO PUT HIM DOWN.
MY LEG IS BURNING.
"I'M GONNA PUT HIM DOWN.
TELL THE PRIEST--EY, PRIEST,
COME HALFWAY, VATO, WE CAN'T."
[FART NOISE]
"AY, ME SALIO
CACA, AY."
IF YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO
WHERE YOUR PITO DON'T WORK...
YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHOULD SHAKE
HANDS, "HEY, BABY, IT WAS
"A GOOD RUN.
"45 YEARS--
[BANG]
"AND NOW, NOTHING.
"LET'S GET THE SAME
FUCKING HAIRCUT AND TRAVEL.
"FUCK IT.
GET THE LESBIAN HAIRCUT
AND LET'S SEE THE WORLD!"
THE SCARIEST SHIT--I TOOK
A PICTURE OF MY VERGA WHEN I
TURNED 50.
IT LOOKED LIKE THE LAST KID
IN THE CARPOOL, THE ONE THAT
DIDN'T GET PICKED UP.
IF YOU SEND A PICTURE OF
YOUR PENIS, IT BETTER LOOK
LIKE A PENIS.
YOU DON'T WANT A GIRL TO
SEE IT, "WHAT THE FUCK?
¿QUé ES ESO?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME SEE IT THERE.
"AY, ES UN PAJARITO THAT
GOT CHEWED UP, MIRA.
"ES A BIRD THAT GOT ATTACKED.
"TA FEO,
MIRA, THE TWO EGGS ARE--UH--
"AND HE'S CRYING
OUT OF ONE EYE.
"DON'T--DON'T GET HIM,
BECAUSE HE'S GONNA DIE.
DEJALO EN PAZ.
LET HIM DIE."
THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR.
WE ALL KNOW IT'S
ELECTION YEAR.
LATINOS HAVE THE MOST
POWERFUL VOTE IN THIS COUNTRY.
THE LATINO VOTE IS
VERY POWERFUL.
WE HAVE TO REALIZE THAT OUR
VOTE CAN CHANGE THE COURSE
OF THIS POLITICAL CAMPAIGN.
WE CAN ELECT THE PRESIDENT.
WE!
I'LL RUN FOR
PRESIDENT, FUCK IT.
I GOT THE LATINO VOTE.
I'LL RUN--
[CHEERING]
"WHO'S GONNA BE YOUR
VICE PRESIDENT?"
CARLOS SANTANA. óRALE.
"HELLO. HI. HELLO.
"HEY. HELLO.
HELLO. PEACE.
"HELLO. LIGHT.
LOVE AND LIGHT.
HELLO."
ES PUTO.
MITT ROMNEY WANTS
THE LATINO VOTE.
HE AIN'T GONNA GET IT.
HE AIN'T GONNA GET IT!
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE MITT ROMNEY IS
A FUCKING LATINO AND HE
WON'T ADMIT IT.
HIS FATHER WAS BORN
IN CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO.
MITT ROMNEY IS A CHICANO!
BUT HE WON'T ADMIT IT.
"I AM NOT. I AM DANISH.
I'M FRENCH."
IF YOU WANT OUR VOTE, PUTO,
COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
GET A HAIRNET AND LEAN
BACK AND SAY, "óRALE."
"ME LLAMO MITT, PERO ME
PUEDE LLAMAR GUANTE."
HIS FATHER--HIS GRANDFATHER
WENT TO MEXICO TO CREATE
A MORMON COLONY.
THAT DON'T SIT
GOOD WITH MEXICANS.
WHERE YOU WANT 6 WIVES
TO GET 12 KIDS,
FUCKING LATINOS CAN
HAVE ONE WIFE...
AND GET 12 KIDS.
DON'T FUCKING CHEAT.
OBAMA'S THE CLOSEST THING
TO LATINO THAT WE HAVE.
BARACK--EVERYBODY WANTS
TO SEE HIS BIRTH
CERTIFICATE, TOO.
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
SHERIFF JOE, IN ARIZONA--
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PUTO.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
[CHEERING]
FUCK YOU.
YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER.
FUCK YOU.
I SAID I WAS GONNA
TALK SOME SHIT.
FUCK YOU, SHERIFF JOE,
YOU FUCKING PUTO.
FUCK YOU.
[CHEERING]
I'VE BEEN TO
THE WHITE HOUSE 3 TIMES.
EL NEGRO, I MEAN, BARACK
OBAMA HAS INVITED ME.
IN 2008,
HE CALLED MY HOUSE.
MY GRANDMOTHER ANSWERED
THE PHONE, "HELLO?"
"THIS IS BARACK OBAMA."
"HANG ON, NEGRO.
"EY. I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT
HIM IN MY HOUSE!"
"HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT."
"TA' EL LOCO EL NEGRO DE
PRESIDENT--¿QUé CHINGADOS?
AND I'M GONNA BE MISS
UTERUS--THAT BEAUTY PAGEANT."
SO I WENT TO THE STATE DINNER
FOR THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO.
BARACK OBAMA INVITED ME.
I'VE BEEN TO
THE WHITE HOUSE 3 TIMES.
A LITTLE KID BORN IN
THE GENERAL HOSPITAL
IN LOS ANGELES...
[CHEERING]
GREW UP IN SAN FERNANDO...
AND THE WHITE HOUSE!
HONRA!
AND EVERY TIME I'VE BEEN
TO THE WHITE HOUSE, I STEAL
SOME SHIT.
[CHEERING]
AND WHEN I WALK OUT,
I LOOK LIKE I STOLE SHIT.
I WENT TO
THE CEREMONY, AHí.
THEY HAD MOLE.
I SAID, "BARACK
OBAMA, CHINGAO!
PINCHE NEGRO--MOLE."
BUT NOBODY PRONOUNCED IT MOLE.
"DID YOU ENJOY THE MOLEE?
THE MOLEE?
DID YOU ENJOY IT?"
"NO, I HAD MOLE."
AND HERE'S THE BEAUTIFUL PART--
I GOT A STAR
ON THE WALK OF FAME.
I GOT A WAX FIGURE--
[CHEERING]
THE GREATEST THING--
THE GREATEST THING THAT'S EVER
HAPPENED IS AT THE WHITE HOUSE
THEY MADE ME CORN AND FLOUR
TORTILLAS IN THE KITCHEN.
[CHEERING]
BECAUSE IF THE PRESIDENT
IS BLACK, GUESS WHO'S
IN THE KITCHEN.
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]
SO THE PRESIDENT COMES
AROUND, "THANK YOU FOR COMING
"TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
"THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
DID YOU ENJOY THE MOLEE?
IT WAS FANTASTIC, WAS IT NOT?"
"IT WAS FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU.
"THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU."
"GEORGE, DID YOU NOT
ENJOY THE MOLEE?"
"COME ON, VATO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE
THAT VOICE NO MORE."
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."
"CHINGADA, VATO.
USE YOUR REAL VOICE."
"YOU WON."
HE LOOKS AROUND.
"MOTHERFUCKER, EAT YOUR SHIT."
[CHEERING]
"EAT YOUR SHIT!
MOTHERFUCKER, EAT
YOUR MOLE SHIT!"
HERE COMES MICHELLE OBAMA.
"WELCOME TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
I'M THE FIRST LADY.
WELCOME TO THE WHITE HOUSE."
"MOTHERFUCKER, EAT YOUR SHIT.
I TOLD THE MOTHERFUCKER--
EAT YOUR SHIT."
AND I FORGOT
I HAD ANOTHER VOICE.
"HANG ON, NEGROS, I'M
WAITING FOR TORTILLAS."
"COOL."
SO THEY HAD THESE
LITTLE PLACEMATS.
THESE LITTLE 24-KARAT GOLD--ON
ONE SIDE IT HAD THE AMERICAN
FLAG, AND THE OTHER SIDE
IT HAD THE MEXICAN FLAG.
YOU EVER SEE SOME SHIT--
THE SECOND YOU SEE IT, YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GONNA STEAL THAT SHIT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHEN THEY CAME TO COLLECT
THEM, THE WAITER WAS LATINO.
I WAS LIKE, "AHH, FUCK."
"DAME LA CHINGADERA, CABRóN."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, VATO."
"PINCHE MEXICANO, DAME
LA CHINGADERA, CABRóN."
AND THEN HE FINALLY GAVE IN.
"I'LL SELL YOU TWO
MORE FOR $100.
"DAME LOS DOS.
"3 FOR 100.
CHINGA SU MADRE.
DON'T TELL THE NEGRO.
IT'S ALL RIGHT."
SO I TOOK IT...
AND SONIA SOTOMAYOR WAS
SITTING AT THE TABLE,
SO I FELT A LITTLE GUILTY.
I WAS LIKE, "CHINGADA--"
BUT THE BEAUTIFUL
PART ABOUT SONIA
SOTOMAYOR WAS WHEN SHE
GOT SWORN IN--LEAVING
THE CEREMONY, SHE FELL...
AND BROKE HER ANKLE.
THAT'S KEEPING IT REAL.
SHE WASN'T EVEN ON THE JOB
YET AND WAS ALREADY
ON WORKMEN'S COMP.
SO--EY, ALL LATINOS
ARE JUDGES ANYWAYS.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE
ONE FUCKING OFFICIAL.
THEY'RE ALL JUDGES--"I
DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIENDS."
"I DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIENDS."
"OH, I DON'T LIKE
YOUR FRIENDS."
SO I WALK OUT, AND I TAKE IT
BACK TO THE HOTEL, AND I'M
LOOKING AT IT IN THE LIGHT--
KISSING IT Y LA VERGA.
[KISSES]
I PUT IT ON THE--NA, ON THE
TABLE RIGHT THERE, WITH THE
MEXICAN FLAG TOWARDS ME...
AND EVERYBODY THAT
I'M WITH SEES IT,
AND THEY FREAK OUT,
"OH, MY, GOD!
"WHAT IS THAT?
"OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS THAT?"
"THAT'S THE FUCKING
THING FROM THE TABLE."
"YOU TOOK IT?
YOU TOOK IT?
YOU TOOK IT?"
"FUCK IT. YEAH.
FUCK YEAH, I TOOK IT."
"AND I TELL YOU WHEN THEY
TAKE YOURS, I WOULD'VE
TAKEN IT, TOO."
AND THEY ALL FREAK OUT,
"OH, MY, GOD.
"I HAVE KIDS.
I HAVE PILATES.
"I'M A DEN MOTHER.
I CAN'T BE AN ACCESSORY.
"I CANNOT.
"I HAVE--I HAVE MOMMY
AND ME CLASS ON MONDAY.
I CAN'T GO TO JAIL."
THIS IS WHAT THEY
TRY TO TELL ME.
GUILT DOES NOT
WORK ON LATINOS.
WE LIVE WITH GUILT.
THIS IS WHAT THEY SAY TO
ME--ALL 3 OF THEM, LIKE
AN INTERVENTION, "WHAT KIND...
"OF AN AMERICAN STEALS...
FROM THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES?"
I SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT
KIND, MOTHERFUCKERS?
A MEXICAN AMERICAN."
[CHEERING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
LOS ANGELES. I LOVE YOU!
[CHEERING]
GRACIAS, HBO!
VIVA MéXICO!
VIVA LA RAZA!
SHOW!
GOOD NIGHT!
HONRA!
[CHEERING]
♪
Man: ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS
KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♪
♪ THE LOW RIDER
IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♪
♪
♪ LOW RIDER DRIVES
A LITTLE SLOWER ♪
♪ LOW RIDER IS A REAL GOER ♪
♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪
♪ LOW RIDER KNOWS
EVERY STREET, YEAH ♪
♪ LOW RIDER IS THE ONE
TO MEET, YEAH ♪
♪