George Carlin: You Are All Diseased (1999) - full transcript

That's nice.
Thank you.

Thanks very much,
I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you all.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So let me ask
you something.

Let me ask you how's
everybody doing tonight

huh?



Good.

Well fuck you.

Just trying to make
you feel at home.

Now listen, I've been
out here all this time

and I haven't
been complaining

about anything yet

so I think it's time

to go into the
complaint department.

This is just a
series of things

that are pissing
me off okay?

A series of things that
are pissing me off

cause I don't
have pet peeves

I have major psychotic
fucking hatreds okay?

And it makes the world a
lot easier to sort out.



First thing on
my list tonight,

airport security.

Tired of this shit.

There's too much of it.

There's too much
security at the airport.

I'm tired of some guy
with a double digit IQ

and a triple digit income

rooting around inside
of my bag for no reason

and never
finding anything.

Haven't found
anything yet.

Haven't found one
bomb in one bag

and don't tell me,

Well the
terrorist know

there bags are
going to be searched

so now they're leaving
their bombs at home.

There are no bombs.

The whole thing is
fucking pointless

and it's completely
without logic.

There's no logic at all.

They'll take away gun
but let you keep a knife.

Well what the
fuck is that?

In fact there's a whole
list of lethal objects

they will allow you
to take on board.

Theoretically you
could take a knife,

an ice pick,
a hatchet,

a straight razor,
a pair of scissors,

a chainsaw, six
knitting needles

and a broken
whiskey bottle

and the only thing they're
going to say to you

is that bag has to fit

all the way under the
seat in front of you.

And if you didn't take
a weapon on board relax,

after you been flying
for about an hour

they're going to bring
you a knife and fork.

They actually give
you a fucking knife.

It's only a table knife

but you could kill a
pilot with a table knife.

Might take you a couple
of minutes you know,

especially if
he's hefty huh?

Yeah but you could
get the job done

if you really wanted
to kill the prick.

Shit there's a lot of
things you could use

to kill a guy with.

You could probably beat
a guy to death with the

Sunday New York
Times couldn't you?

Or suppose you just
had really big hands

couldn't you strangle
a flight attendant?

Shit you could probably
strangle two of them,

one with each hand.

You know if you are lucky
enough to catch them

in that little
kitchen area

before they give out the
fucking peanuts you know?

But you could
get the job done

if you really
cared enough.

So why is it
they allow a man

with big powerful hands

to get on board
an airplane?

I'll tell you why.

They know he's not
a security risk

because he's
already answered

the three big
questions.

Question number one:

Did you pack your
bags yourself?

No Carrot Top
packed my bags.

He and Martha Stewart
and Florence Henderson

came over to the
house last night,

fixed me a lovely
lobster Newburgh,

gave me a full
body massage

with sacred oils
from India,

performed a four
way around the world

and then they
packed my bags.

Next question:

Have your bags

been in your possession
the whole time?

No.

Usually the night
before I travel,

just as the
moon is rising,

I place my suitcases
out on the street corner

and leave them there

unattended for
several hours.

Just for good luck.

Next question:

Has any
unknown person

asked you to take
anything on board?

Hmm,

but what exactly is
an unknown person?

Surely everyone is
known to someone.

In fact, just
this morning

Kareem and Ucef
Allibamgaba

seemed to know each
other quite well.

They kept joking about

which one of my suitcases
was the heaviest.

And that's another thing they
don't like at the airport,

jokes you know?

Yeah you can't
joke about a bomb.

Well why is it just jokes?

What about a riddle?

How about a limerick?

How about a
bomb anecdote?

You know no punch line
just a really cute story.

Or suppose you
intended the remark

not as a joke but
as an ironic musing.

Are they prepared to
make that distinction?

Why I think not.

And besides who's
to say what's funny.

Airport security
is a stupid idea,

it's a waste of money

and it's only there
for one reason,

to make white
people feel safe.

That's all, the illusion,

the feeling and
illusion of safety

cause the
authorities know

they can't make an
airplane completely safe.

Too many people
have access.

You'll notice the
drug smugglers

don't seem to have
a lot of trouble

getting there little
packages on board do they?

No and God bless them too.

Oh and by the way

an airplane flight shouldn't
be completely safe.

You need a little
danger in your life.

Take a fucking chance
once in a while will you?

What are you going to do

play with your prick for
another thirty years?

What are you going to
read People Magazine

and eat at Wendy's
till the end of time?

Take a fucking chance.

Besides even if
they made

all of the airplanes
completely safe

the terrorist
would simply

start bombing other
places that are crowded.

Porn shops,

crack houses,

titty bars

and gangbangs you know?

Entertainment venues.

The odds of you being
killed by a terrorist

are practically zero.

So I say relax and
enjoy the show.

You have to be a realist.

You have to be realistic
about terrorism.

Certain groups of
people, certain groups,

Muslim Fundamentalist,

Christian
Fundamentalist,

Jewish Fundamentalist

and just plain
guys from Montana

are going to continue to
make life in this country

very interesting for
a long, long time.

That's the reality.

Angry men in
combat fatigues

talking to God on
a two-way radio

and mothering incoherent
slogans about freedom

are eventually
going to provide us

with a great deal
of entertainment.

Especially after your
stupid, fucking economy

collapses all around you

and the terrorist come
out of the woodwork

and you'll have anthrax

in your water supply

and serine gas in
your air conditioners.

They'll be chemical
and biological

suitcase bombs
in every city

and I say enjoy it,

relax. Enjoy the show.

Take a fucking chance.

Put a little fun
in your life.

To me terrorism
is exciting.

It's exciting.

I think the very
idea that you can

set off a bomb
in a marketplace

and kill several
hundred people

is exciting and
stimulating

and I see it as a
form of entertainment.

Entertainment
that's all it is.

Yeah.

But... but I also know
that most Americans

are soft and frightened
and unimaginative

and they don't realize
there's such a thing

as dangerous fun

and they certainly
don't recognize

a good show when
they see one.

I have always
been willing

to put myself at
great personal risk

for the sake of
entertainment.

And I've always been
willing to put you

at great personal risk
for the same reason.

As far as I'm concerned

all of this
airport security,

all the searches,
the screenings,

the cameras, the questions

it's just one more way

of reducing your liberty
and reminding you

that they can fuck with
you anytime they want

as long as you
put up with it.

As long as you
put up with it,

which means of course
anytime they want

cause that's what
Americans do now.

Their always willing
to trade away

a little of their freedom

in exchange for
the feeling,

the illusion of security.

What we have now

is a completely
neurotic population

obsessed with
security and safety

and crime and drugs
and cleanliness

and hygiene and germs.

There's another
thing, germs.

Where did this
sudden fear of germs

come from in this country?

Had you noticed this,

the media constantly
running stories

about all the
latest infections,

salmonella, ecoli,
hanka virus, bird flu

and Americans
panic easily

so now everybody's
running around

scrubbing this
and spraying that

and overcooking
their food

and repeatedly
washing their hands

trying to avoid all
contact with germs.

It's ridiculous

and it goes to
ridiculous lengths.

In prisons

before they give you
a lethal injection

they swab your
arm with alcohol.

It's true.

It's true.

It's true.

Well they don't want
you to get an infection

and you can see
their point.

Wouldn't want some
guy to go to hell

and be sick.

Would take a lot of
the sportsmanship

out of the whole
execution.

Fear of, germs why
these fucking pussies.

You can't even get a
decent hamburger anymore.

They kick the shit
out of everything now

cause everybody's afraid
of food poisoning.

Hey where's your
sense of adventure?

Take a fucking
chance will ya?

Do you know how
many people

die in this country from
food poisoning every year?

Nine thousand,
that's all,

it's a minor risk.

Take a fucking chance
bunch Goddamn pussies.

Besides what do you think

you have an
immune system for?

It's for killing germs
but it needs practice.

It needs germs
to practice on

so... so listen.

So listen.

If you kill all the
germs around you

and live a completely
sterile life

then when germs
do come along

you're not going
to be prepared.

And never mind
ordinary germs

what are you going to do

when some super
virus comes along

that turns your
vital organs

into liquid shit?

I'll tell you what
you're going to do,

you're going to sick,

you're going to die

and you're going
to deserve it

cause you're
fucking weak

and you got a fucking
weak immune system.

Now.

Goddamn it.

Hey.

All right.

Let me you tell
you a true story

about immunization okay?

When I was a little
boy in New York City

in the 1940's we swam
in the Hudson River

and it was filled
with raw sewage okay?

We swam in raw
sewage you know,

to cool off

and at that time the
big fear was polio.

Thousands of kids died
from polio every year

but you know something?

In my neighborhood no
one ever got polio,

no one, ever.

You know why?

Cause we swam
in raw sewage.

It strengthened
our immune systems.

The polio never
had a prayer.

We were tempered
in raw shit.

So... so personally
I never take

any special precautions
against germs.

I don't shy
away from people

who sneeze and cough.

I don't wipe off
the telephone.

I don't cover
the toilet seat

and if I drop
food on the floor

I pick it
up and eat it.

I eat it.

Yes I do.

Even if I'm at
a sidewalk café

in Calcutta,

the poor section

on New Years morning
during a soccer riot.

And you know something
in spite of all that

so called risky behavior

I never get infections.

I don't get them.

I don't get colds.

I don't get flu.

I don't get headaches.

I don't get upset stomach.

And you know why?

Cause I got a good
strong immune system

and it gets a
lot of practice.

My immune system
is equipped

with the biologically
equivalent

of fully automatic
military assault rifles

with night vision
and laser scopes

and we have
recently acquired

phosphorus grenades,
cluster bombs

and anti-personnel
fragmentation mines.

So when my white blood
cells are on patrol

Keeping order in
my bloodstream

seeking out strangers
and other undesirables,

if they see any,

any suspicious looking
germs of any kind

they don't fuck around.

They whip out the weapons,

they wax the motherfucker

and deposit the
unlucky fellow

directly into my colon.

Into my colon,
there's no nonsense.

There's no
Miranda warning.

There's none of that

three strikes and
your out shit.

First offense bam
into the colon you go.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, and speaking
of my colon

I want you to know

I don't automatically
wash my hands

every time I go to
the bathroom okay?

Can you deal with that?

Sometimes I do,
sometimes I don't.

You know when
I was my hands?

When I shit on them.

That's the only time.

That's the only...

and you know how
often that happens?

Tops... tops two, three
times a week, tops.

Tops.

Maybe a little
more frequently

over the holidays,
you know what I mean?

And I'll tell you
something else

my well-scrubbed
friends.

You don't always need
a shower everyday.

Did you know that?

It's overkill.

Unless you work out
or work outdoors

or for some reason come
in intimate contact

with huge
amounts of filth

and garbage everyday

you don't always
need a shower.

All you really need to do

is to wash the
four key areas,

armpits, asshole,
crotch and teeth.

Got that?

Armpits, asshole,
crotch and teeth.

In fact you can
save yourself

a whole lot of time

if you simply use
the same brush

on all four areas.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate
it. Thank you.

All right.

Listen I got a
few more items

of things that are
pissing me off

and this one comes in
the form of a question.

Haven't we had
about enough

of this cigar smoking
shit in this country?

Huh?

Huh?

When is this going to end?

When is this shit
going to go away?

When are these fat,
arrogant, overpaid,

overfed, over privileged,

over indulged,
white collar,

business criminal,
asshole, cocksuckers

going to put
out their cigars

and move along to their
next abomination?

White pussy businessmen

sucking on a
big brown dick.

That's all it is.

That's all it is.

Yeah.

A big brown dick.

Sigmund Freud said,

"Sometimes a cigar
is just a cigar."

Oh yeah, well sometimes
it's a big brown dick...

with a fat, arrogant,
white-collar

business
criminal, asshole

sucking on the
wet end of it.

But hey, the news is
not all bad for me,

not all bad,

you want to know
the good part?

Cancer of the mouth.

Good.

Fuck 'em.

Makes me happy.

It's an attractive
disease,

goes nice with
a cell phone.

So light up.

Suspend a man and
suck that smoke

deep down into
your empty suit

and blow it
out your ass

you fucking cocksucker.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey,

here's another question
I've been pondering.

What is all this
shit about angels?

Have you heard this?

Yeah, three out
of four people

now believe in angels.

What are you
fucking stupid?

Has everybody lost
their fucking mind

in this country?

Angels, shit.

You know what
I think it is?

I think it's a
massive collective

psychotic chemical
flashback

of all the drugs,

all the drugs,

smoked, swallowed,
snorted, shot

and absorbed rectally

by all Americans
from 1960 to 1990.

Thirty years of
adulterated street drugs

will get you some
fucking angels my friend.

Angels shit.

What about goblins huh?

Doesn't anybody
believe in goblins?

Never hear about them
except on Halloween

and its always negative
shit too you know?

And zombies, where the
fuck are all the zombies?

That's the trouble
with zombies,

they're unreliable.

I say if you're going
to buy the angels shit

you might as well go

for the zombie
package as well.

Here's another
horrifying example,

aspect of
American culture,

the pussification,

the continued,

the continued
pussification

of the American male

in the form...

yeah all right,

in the form of

Harley Davidson
theme restaurants.

What the fuck is
going on here?

Harley Davidson used
to mean something.

It stood for
biker attitude.

Grimy outlaws and
there sweaty mamas,

full of beer and crank

rolling around
on Harley's

looking for a good time

destroying property,

raping teenagers and
killing policemen.

All very necessary
activities by the way

but now theme
restaurants

and this soft shit

obviously didn't come
from hardcore bikers.

It came from these
weekend motorcyclists.

These fraudulent,

two day a week
motherfuckers

who have their bikes

trucked into
Sturgis, South Dakota

for the big rally
and then ride around

like they just come
in off the road.

Dentist and bureaucrats

and pussy boy
software designers

getting up on a Harley

cause they think
it makes them cool.

Well hey Skeezits
you ain't cool,

you're fucking chilly.

And chilly ain't
never been cool.

And here as long
as were talking

about theme restaurants,

I got a proposition
for you,

I think if white people

are going to burn
down black churches

then black people

ought to burn down the
House Of Blues huh?

What a fucking disgrace
that place is,

the House Of Blues.

They ought to call it

the house of lame
white motherfuckers.

Inauthentic, low
frequency, single digit

lame white motherfuckers,

especially these
male movie stars

who think they're
blues artist.

You ever see these guys?

Don't you just want
to puke in your soup

when one of these fat,
balding, overweight,

over aged, out of shape,

middle-aged
male movie stars

with sunglasses
jumps on stage

and starts blowing
into a harmonica.

It's a fucking sacrilege.

In the first place,

in the first place,

white people
got no business

playing the blues
ever at all,

under any
circumstances.

Ever, ever, ever.

What the fuck
do white people

have to be blue about?

Banana Republic
ran out of khakis?

Huh?

The Espresso
machine is jammed.

Hootie and the Blowfish
are breaking up?

Shit white people
ought to understand

there job is to give
people the blues

not to get them.

And certainly not to
sing or play them.

Tell you a little
secret about the blues;

it's not enough to know
which notes to play

you got to know why
they need to be played.

And another thing,
I don't think,

I don't think
white people

should be trying to
dance like blacks.

Stop that!

Stick to your faggoty
polkas and waltzes.

And that repulsive

country line dancing
shit that you do

and be yourself.

Be proud, be
white, be lame

and get the fuck
off the dance floor.

Now.

I thank you.

Now listen,

long as were
discussing minorities

I'd like to mention
something about language.

There are a
couple of terms

being used a
lot these days

by guilty
white liberals.

First one is,

happens to be.

He happens to be black.

I have a friend

who happens to be black.

Like it's a fucking
accident you know?

Happens to be black?

Yes he happens
to be black.

Awe yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had two black parents?

Oh yes, yes he did.

Yes.

And they fucked?

Oh indeed they did.

Indeed.

So where does the
surprise part come in?

I should think it
would be more unusual

if he just happened
to be Scandinavian.

And the other
term is openly.

Openly gay.

They'll say,
he's openly gay.

But this... that's
the only minority

they use that for.

You know you wouldn't say

someone was openly black.

Well maybe James Brown

or Lewis Farrakhan.

Lewis Farrakhan
is openly black.

Colin Powell is
not openly black.

Colin Powell is
openly white,

he just happens
to be black.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh thank you.

Thank you.

And while were at it

when did the word urban

become synonymous
with the word black?

Did I fall asleep for
eight or nine years?

Urban styles, urban
trends, urban music,

I was not consulted
on this at all.

Didn't get an email,
didn't a fax,

didn't get a fucking
postcard, fine!

Let them go.

And I don't
think white women

should be calling each
other girlfriend okay?

Stop pretending
to be black.

And no matter
what color you are

"you go girl"

should probably go...

right along,

right along with
"you the man."

Hey you the man.

Oh yeah?

Well you the
fucking honkey.

Now something a little
more positive for you.

Don't want you to think

the whole show is
just negativity.

This is about a festival.

This is my idea
for one of those

big outdoor
summer festivals.

This is called Slugfest.

This is for men only.

Here's what you do,

you get about a
hundred thousand

of these fucking men,

you know the ones I mean,

these macho
motherfuckers.

Yeah, these strutting,
preening, posturing,

hairy, sweaty, alpha
male jack offs.

The muscle assholes.

You take about a
hundred thousand

of these
disgusting pricks

and you throw them
in a big dirt arena,

big twenty-five
acre dirt arena,

and you just let them

beat the shit
out of each other

for twenty-four
hours nonstop,

no food, no water

just whiskey and PCP.

And you just let them
punch and pound and kick

the shit out of
each other until

only one guy is
left standing

then you
take that guy

and you put him
on a pedestal

and you shoot him
the fucking head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then you put the
whole thing on TV.

Budweiser would
jump at that shit

in half a minute.

And guys would volunteer.

Guys would line up

all you got to do

is promise them a small
appliance of some kind.

Men will do anything
just give them something

that plugs in the wall

makes a whirring noise.

Here's another
male cliché,

these guys who
cut the sleeves

off of their T-shirts

so the rest of us can have

an even more
compelling experience

of smelling
their armpits.

I say, hey Bruno shut it
down would you please?

You smell like an
anchovy's cunt okay?

Yeah.

Not good.

Not good Bruno

and definitely
not for sharing.

This is the same
kind of guy

that has that
barbed wire tattoo

that goes all the way
around the bicep.

You've seen that
haven't you?

That's just what
I need some guy

who hasn't been laid
since the bicentennial

wants me to think he's
a bad motherfucker

because he's got
a picture ahha,

a painting of some
barbed-wire on his...

I say hey junior
come around

when you have the
real thing on there

I'll squeeze that shit on

good and tight
for you okay?

No kidding.

No kidding.

This is the same
kind of guy if you,

if you smashed
him in the face

eight or nine times

with a big chunk
of concrete

and then beat
him over the head

with a steel rod for
an hour and a half

you know what?

He'd drop like
a fucking rock.

Like a rock.

Here's another guy
thing that sucks.

These T-shirts that say,

Lead follow or get
out of the way.

You ever see that?

This is more of that

stupid Marine
Corp bullshit.

Obsolete male impulses

from a hundred
thousand years ago.

Lead follow or get
out of the way.

You know what I do

when I see that shirt?

I stand right in
the guys path,

force him to
walk around me,

he gets a
little past me,

I spin him around,

kick him in the nuts,

rip off his shirt,
wipe it on my ass

and shove it down
his fucking throat.

That's what I do when
I see that shirt.

Yeah.

Hey, listen,

that's all
these Marine's

are looking for
a good time.

And speaking
of tough guys,

I'm getting a little
tired of hearing

that after six
policemen get arrested

for shoving
a floor lamp

up some black guys ass

and ripping his
intestine's out

the police
department announces

they're going to have
sensitivity training.

I say hey, if you
need special training

to be told not to jam

a large
cumbersome object

up someone else's asshole

maybe you're
too fucked up

to be on the police
force in the first place

huh?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe not, I don't know.

Listen, yeah.

That's right.

You know what
they ought to do?

They ought to have
two new requirements

for being on the police.

Intelligence and decency.

You never can tell
it might just work.

It certainly hasn't
been tried yet.

No one should ever have

any object placed
inside their asshole

that is larger
than a fist

and less loving
than a dildo okay?

Now this next thing is
about our president.

This is about
our president.

Bill Jeff.

Bill Jeff.

Bill Jeff.

Clinton.

I don't call him Clinton
I call him Clittin.

Clittin, C-L-l-T-T-l-N,
apostroph-e.

His big deal was J.F.K.

Isn't that right?

Love J.F.K.

Wanted to immolate J.F.K.

In every way.

Well J.F.K.'s
administration

was called Camelot.

Well what it really
should have been called

Come A Lot.

Because that's what
he did he came a lot.

So Clinton's
looking for a legacy

that's what he
should call it.

Well maybe come a little
would be better for him

cause he came a little.

You know, a little
on the dress,

little on the desk,

not a whole lot really.

Hey he was no match,

no match for Kennedy in
the pussy department.

Kennedy aimed high,

Marilyn Monroe.

Clinton showed his dick
to a government clerk.

There's a drop off here.

It's a drop off.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now... I appreciate it.

Something else I'm
getting tired of

is all this stupid bullshit
we have to listen to

all the time
about children.

It's all you here
in this country.

Children.

Help the children.

What about the children?

Save the children.

You know what I say?

Fuck the children.

Fuck 'em.

They're getting entirely
too much attention

and I know what you're
thinking you say,

Jesus he's not going to
attack children is he?

Yes he is.

He's going to
attack children.

And remember this is
Mister Conductor talking.

I know what I'm
talking about.

I know what I'm
talking about.

And I also know,

I also know all
you single dad's

and soccer mom's

who think you're
such fucking heroes

aren't going to
like this

but somebody's got to tell
you for your own good,

you're children are
overrated and overvalued.

You've turned them into
little cult objects.

You have a child fetish
and it's not healthy.

And don't give me, don't
give me that weak shit.

Well I love my children.

Fuck you.

Everybody loves
their children.

Doesn't make you special.

John Wayne Gacy
loved his children.

Kept them all right out in
the yard near the garage.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

What I'm talking about
is this constant,

mindless, yammering
in the media,

this neurotic fixation

that some how everything,

everything has to be
revolved around children.

It's completely
out of balance.

Listen, there are a couple
of things about kids

you have to remember.

First of all, they're
not all cute okay?

In fact, if you
look at them close

some of them are rather
unpleasant looking.

And a lot of them don't
smell too good either.

The little ones
in particular

seem to have a kind of

urine and sour milk
combination or something.

Stay with me on
this, the longer,

the sooner you face it

the better off
you're going to be.

Second premise,
not all children

are smart and
clever got that?

Kids are like any
other group of people,

a few winners a
whole lot of losers.

There are a lot of
loser kids out there

who simply aren't
going anywhere.

And you can't
save them all.

You can't save them all.

You got to let them go.

You go to cut them lose.

You got to stop
overprotecting them

cause your making
them too soft.

Today's kids are
way too soft.

For one thing there's too
much emphasis on safety.

Childproof
medicine bottles

and fireproof pajamas,

child restraints in
car seats and helmets,

bicycles, skateboard,
baseball helmet.

Kids have to wear helmets
now for everything

but jerking off.

Grown ups have
taken all the fun

out of being a kid

just to save a few
thousand lives.

It's pathetic.

It's pathetic.

What's happening is,

all right,

what's happening,

you know what it is?

These baby boomers, these
soft, fruity baby boomers

are raising an
entire generation

of soft, fruity kids

who aren't even allowed
to have hazardous toys

for Christ's sake.

Hazardous toys shit.

What ever happened
to natural selection?

Survival of the fittest.

The kid who swallows
too many marbles

doesn't grow up to
have kids of his own.

Simple as that.

Simple.

Nature, nature.

Nature knows best.

We're saving entirely
too many lives

in this country
of all ages.

Nature should be
allowed to do its job

of killing off the
weak and sickly

and ignorant people
without interference

from air bags and
batting helmets.

Just think of it as
passive euthenics okay?

Now here's another example
of over protection.

Did you ever notice
on the TV news

every time some
guy with an AK 47

strolls onto a school yard

and kills three
or four kids

and a couple
of teachers,

the next day,
the next day

the school is overrun
with counselors

and psychiatrist

and grief
counselors

and trauma therapists

trying to help
the children cope.

Shit when I was in school

someone came to our school

and killed three
or four of us

we went right on
with our arithmetic.

Thirty-five
classmates minus four

equals thirty-one.

We were tough.

We were tough.

I say if kids can handle
the violence at home

they ought to be
able to handle

the violence in school.

I'm not worried about
guns in school,

you know what
I'm waiting for?

Guns in church.

That's going to
be a lot of fun.

And it will
happen you watch.

Some nut will go fucking
ape shit in a church

and they'll
refer to him as

a disgruntled worshiper.

Here.

Here's another bunch
of ignorant shit.

School uniforms.

Bad theory.

The idea that if kids
wear uniforms to school

it helps keep order.

Don't these schools
do enough damage

making all these
kids think alike

now there going to get
them to look alike too?

And it's not a new idea.

I first saw it in old
newsreel in the 1930's

but it was hard
to understand

cause the narration
was in German.

All right.

One more.

Thank you.

Thank you.

One more item
about children

and that is this
superstitious nonsense

that blames
tobacco companies

for kids who smoke.

Listen kids don't smoke

because a camel in
sunglasses tells them to.

They smoke for the
same reasons adults do

because it relieves
anxiety and depression.

And you'd be anxious
and depressed too

if you had to
put up with these

pathetic, insecure,

striving, anal,
yuppie parents

who enroll you in college

before you're old
enough to know

which side of the
playpen smells the worst.

And then they fill
you full of Ritalin

and drag you
all over town

in search of
meaningless structure.

Little League, Cub
Scouts, swimming, soccer,

karate, piano, bagpipes,
watercolors, witchcraft,

glass blowing and
dildo practice.

They even,

they even have play
dates for Christ's sakes.

Playing is now done
by appointment.

What ever happened to

you show me
your wee wee

and I'll show you mine?

Hey no wonder kids
smoke, it helps.

Not as much as weed

but hey you can't
have everything.

You know it's true,

parents are burning these
kids out on structure.

I think everyday
all children

should have three
hours of daydreaming,

just daydreaming.

You could use it a little
of it yourself by the way.

Just sit at the window
stare at the clouds

it's good for you.

Do you want
to know how

you can help
your children?

Leave them the fuck alone!

Very well.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

All right now a
little change of pace.

Little change
of intensity.

I want you to know

what's on
television tonight

on the other channels.

Always like people
to know what it is

they're missing by
listening to my shit.

First of all on the
Playboy channel

on the Playboy
channel tonight

they have one of those
new reality shows

where the people at home
send in their own tapes

it's called, Home
Videos of Bad Fucking.

And speaking of that
delightful activity

I guess you know last
week Rickey Lake

had a special program

Women Who Fake Orgasms

so tonight not
to be out done

Jerry Springer has
a night time special

Men Who Fake
Bowel Movements.

Yeah I think they're
running out of topics

on those shows too.

Sally Jesse's
next show is

Rapist's Who Force
Their Victims

to Play Yahtzee
Beforehand.

Getting a little
strange on daytime TV.

Then later on tonight
on the Nostalgia Channel

they're going to
play back-to-back

two of my
favorite episodes

of Little House
on the Prairie.

First of all of the
1975 Christmas show,

A Douche Bag for Clara.

Wasn't that good?

And it was sad toward
the end when she cried

cause she stuck it
in the wrong hole.

But as they say
in the U.S. Navy,

there is no wrong hole.

And then right after that
they're going to play

my favorite Little House
on the Prairie of all time,

Missy Takes A Big
Dump In The Woods.

And that was
interesting I thought

cause she had on
the high heels

and the long dress

and it was fun to watch

how she had to maneuver
through the poison sumac.

And they didn't have
toilet paper in those days

she had to use a
series of pinecones.

And she was pulling them
in the wrong direction.

Yes.

I understand toward
the end of the show

they had to bleep
out a lot of

screaming and
foul language.

And then hey, hey,

later on tonight
on pay-per-view,

on pay-per-view
Willie Nelson.

Willie Nelson's concert
is on and TV Guide listed

all the songs he's
going to sing.

He's going to start out
with one my favorites,

Too Drunk To Jerk Off,
isn't that a good one?

God I love that song.

Then he's going to do
a series of love songs.

Kiss Me I'm Coming,
awe that's a good one.

Kiss me I'm coming.

Hold me I'm humming.

Hmmmm.

Well I can't help
it, I am a romantic

and I do enjoy the
sentimental tunes.

Here's a sad song,

I should of Fucked
Ole' What's Her Name.

Remember that?

I should of never
played the game.

I should of fucked
ole' what's her name.

Here's one my mother used
to sing around the house.

You're Love Ran Down My
Leg and Now You're Gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That one always got to me.

I'm glad you feel
the same way.

Here's a fine love song.

You Blew My Mind
Now Blow Me.

He even,

he's even going to do
a Stevie Wonder song,

I Just Called To Say
I Tested Positive.

Yeah.

Well you don't want
to leave anybody out

you know what I mean?

And hey, and hey,

what would a Willie
Nelson show be

without a couple
of cowboy songs?

He's going to do that one

George Jones and
Waylon Jennings wrote,

Drinking Beer,
Taking A Shit

and Passing Out.

Then he's going
to do a kind of

traditional western song,

one that Gene
Autry used to sing

when I was a little boy,
It's Midnight in Montana

and I Can't Get My
Dick Out of this Cow.

I love that song.

I always liked it.

Yeah.

You know why I like
that song so much?

Cause it's a real
cowboy song,

and by the way, speaking
of cattle fucking,

do you know why it is

when a rancher
fucks a sheep

he does so at the
edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep
will push back.

Little something for you.

Yes.

Just a little tip
for you outdoorsmen

when you're out camping.

Now this next thing
is about names

that's all names.

Names are an
interest of mine.

Not a hobby.

Hobby's cost money.

Interest are free.

This is just about names.

Did you ever notice how
they name singles bars?

Singles bars have
all the same kind of

cutesy little one word
names that end in 'S.'

Scamps, Tramps, Chats,
Rumors, Cahoots, Cheers,

Chances, Mingles,
Risks, Gambits, Notions,

hey if I had a singles bar
you know what I'd call it?

Nipples and Dicks.

A little truth
in advertising.

The Sperm Club.

Snatch-O-Rama.

The Crotchiteria,

Frankie's Fuckery,

Café Vagina,
Open All Night.

Well I'm an old
fashioned guy.

I'm old-fashioned
cause I believe

the name on the
outside of a place

ought to let you know

what's going on
in the inside.

Here would be a good name
for a gay restaurant,

The Mouthful, huh?

Come on that's
clever shit,

that's a double
pun Goddamn it,

you didn't think of it.

Besides you don't
have to eat there

if you don't want to.

No, no, just go in
have a cocktail.

Or a high ball.

Here's another name
I don't care for,

TGI Fridays.

You know these cutesy
ass little places,

TGI Fridays.

That whole TGIF thing was
cute for about an hour,

about an hour,

and that was 65 years ago

when someone first
said it on the radio.

Not cute anymore,

time to start bombing
these locations.

TGI Fridays.

If I had a
place like that

you know what
I'd call it?

H-S-l-O-W,

Holy Shit its
Only Wednesday.

I think people would
drink a lot more liquor

if they thought it was
Wednesday all the time.

Well I'm just looking
for a little honesty

in these names,
little honesty.

That's not asking a lot.

I'm thinking of
opening up a motel

and calling it The
Sleep and Fuck.

Wouldn't that be a good
honest name for a motel?

Who needs this Shady
Pines bullshit?

The Sleep and Fuck Motel.

Get me one of them
big neon signs,

Sleep... Fuck.

Sleep... fuck.

Sleep and fuck.

Sleep and fuck.

Sleep and Fuck.

Sleep... fuck.

Sleep... fuck.

Sleep and Fuck.

Sleep and Fuck.

You put it right at
the Jersey entrance

to the Holland
Tunnel you know?

Actually Fuck and Sleep

would be a little more
accurate wouldn't it?

Best name for a
motel would be

The Fuck and Smoke and
Sleep and Rollover

and Get Out of Bed
and Wash Your Crotch

and Go Out and Buy
Two Cans Mr. Pibb

and Go Home and Fuck
A Whole Lot More.

A whole lot more.

Cause that's all
they ever have left

in those soda machines
on Sunday nights.

Mr. Pibb and Diet
Shasta Orange

and that yellow can

of Canada Dry Tonic
Water that nobody wants!

And speaking of
naming things,

am I the only person
in this country

who's laughing when
these commercials

come on television for
Snapper lawn mowers?

Isn't there anyone else
on this fading republic

who knows what
a snapper is?

A snapper is a pussy okay?

That's what it means,

snapper means pussy

It's derived from an
older more specific term

snappin' pussy,

which describes a
particular type of pussy.

One with good, quick
muscular control,

kind of an elasticity
in the vaginal wall

that can grab
a hold of you

and give you a decent hump

do you know what
I'm talking about?

A snappin' pussy.

But now, now snapper
means any kind of pussy

and they've named a lawn
mower company after it.

Now I have seen a few
snappers in my day,

never seen one
that'll cut grass.

No.

No.

Maybe do a little edging,

a little edging
along the driveway

after a party that's
all you can hope for.

But you know weed whacker
you can understand.

Now a lot of these
company names

and product names

are influenced
by marketing

and advertising people

and this next thing
is about advertising

and by the way if
you should have any

cognitive dissonance
about the fact

that I do commercials
for 10-10-2-20

and still attack
advertising up here

well you're just
going to have

to figure that shit
out on your own okay?

Now, this is called
advertising lullaby.

Keeping in mind of course

that the whole
purpose of advertising

is to lull
you to sleep.

Quality, values, styles,
service, selection,

convenience, economy,
savings, performance,

experience,
hospitality, low-rates,

friendly service, name
brands, easy terms,

affordable prices,
money back guarantee,

free installation,
free admission,

free appraisal,
free alterations,

free delivery,
free estimates,

free home trial
and free parking,

no cash, no problem,
no kidding,

no fuss, no muss, no
risk, no obligation,

no red tape, no
down payment,

no entry fee, no
hidden charges,

no purchase necessary,

no one will call on you,

no payments or interest
till September.

But limited time only,
so act now, order today,

send no money, offer good
while supplies last,

two to a customer, each
item sold separately,

batteries not included,
mileage may vary,

all sales are final,

allow six weeks
for delivery,

some items not available,
some assembly required,

some restrictions
may apply.

But come on in.

Come on in.

Come on in for a
free demonstration

and a free
consultation

with our friendly
professional staff.

Our experience
and knowledgeable

sales representatives
will help you

make a selection that's
just right for you

and just right
for your budget

and say don't forget to
pick up your free gift,

a classic deluxe,
custom designer, luxury,

prestige,
high-quality premium,

select gourmet, pocket
pencil sharpener.

Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary,

it's our way of
saying thank you

and if you act
now we'll include

an extra added free
complimentary bonus gift,

a classic deluxe,
custom designer,

luxury, prestige,
high-quality,

premium select, gourmet,

combination key ring,
magnifying glass and garden hose

in a genuine imitation
leather style carrying case

with authentic vinyl trim.

Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary.

It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually it's
our way of saying

bend over just a
little bit farther

so we can stick this
big advertising dick

up your ass a
little bit deeper.

A little bit deeper.

A little bit deeper.

You miserable,

no good, fucking
consumer asshole.

Cause you do know folks
living in this country

you're bound to know,

that every time you're
exposed to advertising

you realize once again

that America's
leading industry,

America's most
profitable business

is still the
manufacture packaging,

distribution and
marketing of bullshit.

High quality, grade
'A', prime cut,

pure American bullshit

and the sad part is,

is that most people seem
to have been indoctrinated

to believe that bullshit

only comes from
certain places,

certain sources,

advertising, politics,
salesmen, not true,

bullshit is everywhere.

Bullshit is rampant.

Parents are full of shit,

teachers are
full of shit,

clergymen are
full of shit

and law enforcement
people are full of shit.

This entire country,

this entire country is
completely full of shit

and always has been

from the Declaration
of Independence

of the Constitution to
the Star Spangled Banner

it's still nothing more
than one big steaming pile

of red, white and blue
all American bullshit

because think of
how we started.

Think of that.

This country was founded

by a group of slave owners

who told us all men
are created equal.

Oh yeah, all
men except for

Indians and niggers
and women right?

Always like to use

that authentic
American language.

This was a small
group of unelected,

white male, land
holding, slave owners

who also suggested
their class

be the only one
allowed to vote.

Now that is what's known
as being stunningly

and embarrassingly
full of shit.

And I think, I
think Americans

really show their
ignorance when they say

they want their
politicians to be honest.

What are these fucking
creedents talking about?

If honesty were suddenly

introduced into
American life

the whole system
would collapse.

No one would
no what to do.

Honesty would fuck
this country up.

And I think deep down
Americans know that.

That's why they elected

and re-elected
Bill Clinton.

That's right.

Because, because
the American people

liked their bullshit
right out front

where they can get a
good strong whiff of it.

Clinton might
be full of shit

but at least he
lets you know it.

Dole tried to
hide it didn't he?

Dole kept saying, I'm
a plain and honest man.

Bullshit.

People don't believe that.

What did Clinton say?

He said, Hi folks.

I'm completely full shit
and how do you like that?

And the people said,
You know something?

At least he's honest.

At least he's honest

about being completely
full of shit.

It's just like the
business world.

Same as business.

Everybody knows by
now all businessmen

are completely
full of shit.

Just the worse kind
of low life criminal,

cocksuckers you could
ever want to run into.

The fucking piece
of shit businessman.

And the proof of it,
the proof of it is

they don't even
trust each other.

They don't trust
one another.

When a businessman
sets down

and negotiates a deal

the first thing he
does is automatically

assume that the other guy
is a complete lying prick

who's trying to fuck
him out of his money.

So he's got to do
everything he can

to fuck the other guy
a little bit faster

and a little bit harder.

And he's got to do it

with a big smile
on his face.

You know that big
bullshit businessman smile

and if you're a
customer whoa,

that's when you get
the really big smile.

Customer always gets
the really big smile

as the businessman

carefully
positions himself

directly behind
the customer

and unzips his pants

and proceeds to
service the account.

I'm servicing
this account.

This customer
needs service.

Now you know
what they mean.

Now you know what they
mean when they say,

We specialize in
customer service.

Whoever coined the phrase,

"let the buyer beware"

was probably bleeding
from the asshole.

But that's business.

That's business.

But in the bullshit
department,

in the bullshit department

a businessman
can't hold a candle

to a clergyman.

Cause I got to tell
you the truth folks,

I got to tell
you the truth,

when it comes to bullshit,

big time, major
league bullshit

you have to stand in awe,

in awe of the
all time champion

of false promises and
exaggerated claims

religion,

no contest.

No contest.

Religion,

religion easily has

the greatest bullshit
story ever told.

Think about it.

Religion has actually
convinced people

that there's an invisible
man living in the sky

who watches
everything you do,

every minute of every day

and the invisible man
has a special list

of ten things he does
not want you to do.

And if you do any
of these ten things

he has a special place
full of fire and smoke

and burning and
torture and anguish

where he will send
you to live and suffer

and burn and choke

and scream and cry
forever and ever

till the end of time.

But he loves you.

He loves you.

He loves you and
he needs money.

He always needs money.

He's all-powerful, all
perfect, all knowing

and all wise somehow
just can't handle money.

Religion takes in
billions of dollars,

they pay no taxes,

and they always
need a little more.

Now you talk about a
good bullshit story,

holy shit!

Thank you.

Thank you.

But... thank you very much.

But I want you to know,

I want you to
know something,

this is sincere,
I want you to know

when it comes to
believing in God

I really tried.

I really, really tried.

I tried to believe
that there is a God

who created each of us

in his own image
and lightness,

loves us very much

and keeps a close
eye on things,

I really tried
to believe that.

But I got to tell you
the longer you live,

the more you look around,

the more you realize
something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here.

War, disease, death,
destruction, hunger,

filth, poverty, torture,
crime, corruption

and the Ice Capades

something is
definitely wrong.

This is not good work.

If this is the
best God can do

I am not impressed.

Results like these
do not belong

on the resume of
a supreme being.

This is the kind of
shit you'd expect

from an office temp
with a bad attitude.

And just between you and
me, between you and me

in any decently
run universe

this guy would have been

out on his all-powerful
ass a long time ago.

And by the way,

I say this guy because
I firmly believe,

looking at these results,
that if there is a God

it has to be a man.

No woman could
or would ever

fuck things up like this.

So, so,

lf,

If there is a
God, if there is,

I think most reasonable
people might agree

that he's at least
incompetent and maybe,

just maybe doesn't
give a shit.

Doesn't give a shit,

which I admire
in a person

and which would
explain a lot

of these bad results.

So rather than
be just another

mindless religious robot,

mindlessly and aimlessly

and blindly believing
that all of this

is in the hands
of some spooky

incompetent father figure

who doesn't give a shit,

I decided to look around

for something
else to worship.

Something I could
really count on

and immediately I
thought of the sun.

Happened like that.

Overnight I became
a sun worshiper.

Well not overnight,

you can't see
the sun at night

but first thing
the next morning

I became a sun worshiper.

Several reasons,

first of all I
can see the sun

okay?

Yeah.

Unlike some other
God's I could mention,

I can actually
see the sun.

I'm big on that.

If I can see something,
I don't know,

it kind of helps the
creditability along you know?

So everyday I
can see the sun

as it gives me
everything I need

heat, light, food,
flowers in the park,

reflections on
the lake,

an occasional skin
cancer but hey

at least there were
no crucifixions

and were not setting
people on fire

simply because they
don't agree with us.

Sun worship is
fairly simple,

there's no mystery,
no miracles,

no pageantry, no
one asks for money,

there are no
songs to learn

and we don't have
special building

where we all gather once a
week to compare clothing.

And the best thing,

the best thing
about the sun

it never tells
me I'm unworthy.

Doesn't tell me
I'm a bad person

who needs to be saved.

Hasn't said an
unkind word.

Treats me fine.

So I worship the sun

but I don't
pray to the sun

know why?

I wouldn't presume
on our friendship.

It's not polite.

I've often thought
people treat God

rather rudely don't you?

Asking up trillions and
trillions of prayers everyday.

Asking and pleading
and begging for favors.

Do this, give me that,
I need a new car,

I want a better job

and most of this praying

takes place on Sunday,

his day off.

It's not nice and it's
no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray
and they pray

for a lot of
different things.

You know you're sister needs
an operation on her crotch.

Your brother was arrested
for defecating in a mall.

But most of all you'd
really like to fuck

that hot little red head

down at the
convenient store.

You know the one
with the eye patch

and the clubfoot huh?

Can you pray for that?

I think you'd have to.

And I say fine, pray
for anything you want,

pray for anything but

what about the
divine plan?

Remember that?

The divine plan;

long time ago God
made a divine plan.

Gave it a lot of thought,

decided it was a good
plan, put into practice

and for billions and
billions of years

the divine plan has
been doing just fine.

Now you come along and
pray for something.

Well suppose the
thing you want

isn't in God's
divine plan.

What do you
want him to do

change his plan
just for you?

Doesn't it seem a
little arrogant?

It's a divine plan.

What's the use
of being God

if every run down schmuck

with a two-dollar
prayer book

can come along and
fuck up your plan?

And here's
something else,

another problem
you might have,

suppose your prayers
aren't answered,

what do you say?

Well it's God's will.

Thy will be done.

Fine but if
it's God's will

and he's going to do
what he wants to anyway

why the fuck bother
praying in the first place?

Seems like a big
waste of time to me.

Couldn't you just
skip the praying part

and go right to his will?

It's all very confusing.

So to get around
a lot of this

I decided to
worship the sun

but as I said I don't
pray to the sun.

You know who I pray to?

Joe Peshi.

Joe Peshi.

Joe Peshi.

Two reasons, first of all
I think he's a good actor

okay?

To me that counts.

Second,

he looks like a guy who
can get things done.

Joe Peshi doesn't
fuck around.

Doesn't fuck around.

In fact,

in fact, Joe Peshi
came through

on a couple of things that
God was having trouble with.

For years I asked
God to do something

about my noisy neighbor
with the barking dog,

Joe Peshi straightened
that cocksucker out

with one visit.

It's amazing what
you can accomplish

with a simple
baseball bat.

So I've been praying to
Joe for about a year now

and I noticed something.

I noticed that
all the prayers

I used to offer to God

and all the prayers I
now offer to Joe Peshi

are being
answered at about

the same fifty
percent rate.

Half the time I
get what I want,

half the time I don't.

Same as God, fifty-fifty.

Same as the
four-leaf clover

and the horseshoe,

the wishing well and
the rabbit's foot.

Same as the Mojo man.

Same as the Voodoo lady

who tells you your fortune

by squeezing the
goat's testicles,

it's all the
same fifty-fifty.

So just pick your
superstition, sit back,

make a wish and
enjoy yourself

and for those of you
who look to the Bible

for a moral lessons
and literary qualities

I might suggest

a couple of other
stories for you.

You might want to look
at the Three Little Pigs,

that's a good one.

Has a nice happy ending.

I'm sure you'll like that.

Then there's Little
Red Riding Hood

although it does have
that X-rated part

where the big bad wolf

actually eats
the grandmother,

which I didn't care
for by the way.

And finally I've often
always drawn a great deal

of moral comfort
from Humpty Dumpty.

The part I like the best,

all the king's horses
and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty Dumpty
back together again.

That's because there
is no Humpty Dumpty

and there is no God.

None, not one, no
God, never was.

In fact, I'm going
to put it this way,

if there is a God,

if there is a God

may he strike this
audience dead.

See nothing happened.

Everybody's
okay all right.

Tell you what,

tell you what I'll
raise the stakes.

I'll raise the
stakes a little bit;

if there is a God may
he strike me dead.

See nothing
happened wait

I got a little
cramp in my leg

and my balls hurt.

Plus I'm blind.

Now I'm okay again,

must have been
Joe Peshi.

God Bless Joe Peshi.

Thank you all very much.

Joe bless you.

Thank you all very much.

I appreciate it.

Bye bye.

Have fun.

Good.

Thank you very much.

Have a good time,

Have a good
time, thank you.