Fugly! (2014) - full transcript

♪♪♪

♪ Hey, Jesse ♪

♪ When you coming home ♪

♪ Hey, Jesse ♪

♪ When you coming home ♪

♪ The cat's in the closet ♪

♪ The rats are in the grain ♪

♪ And dust fills the attic ♪

♪ That used to be your brain ♪

♪ You wrote so many lines ♪

♪ That could have been a poem ♪



♪ The only thing I want to know
is Jesse ♪

♪ When you coming home ♪

♪♪♪

Male Vocalist:
(humming)

♪ Hey, Jesse ♪

♪ Where'd you get so lost ♪

♪ Hey Jesse ♪

♪ And at what cost ♪

♪ The calendar is lying ♪

♪ Each day is the same ♪

♪ Winter might be over ♪

♪ But summer never came ♪

♪ You thought you'd
build a palace ♪

♪ A pleasure dome or two ♪



♪ But when the rivers ran
they asked ♪

♪ Jesse ♪

♪ Is that you ♪

♪♪♪

(humming)

♪ Hey Jesse ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, Jesse ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪♪♪

Male Vocalist:
(whistling)

♪♪♪

Hey, everyone.

Just so you know why
I'm doing this Vlog,

I lost the woman of my dreams,
the love of my life,

my soul mate...

And I'm going through

a little bit of career menopause
on top of that.

So I'm having
kind of a hard time

and I don't see a way out.

So I guess what
I'm going to do is

I'm going to off myself.

(crowd cheering)

Maybe I'll get a lot of hits.

And go out that way

instead of continue living
this life of anonymity.

(bird screeching)

And I'm probably going to
either do it by,

I don't know, hanging myself

or taking a lot of pills.

(crying out in pain)

Or drowning myself.

Or all three, probably,

just to make sure I do it right.

Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I sabotage every
relationship I'm in,

every single one of them.

And I don't know, I guess it's,
I got anger issues.

I feel like the world owes me.

I definitely have
self-esteem issues.

Oh, that's guaranteed.

'Cause I was a ghetto nerd.

I wasn't even popular
in high school.

I never even had an STD. See?

But if you want to see me
off myself,

the least you could do is
listen to my whole story, okay?

'Cause I'm not gonna
blame my parents

for all my problems.

No, just the really
crippling ones.

Jesse:
It wasn't all their fault
'cause it was the '70s--

the era of urban decay,
disco dancing and free love.

Well, free for everybody but me.

No, I had to take
care of myself.

I was such
a lonely little bastard.

(moaning)

Jesse:
And I desperately wanted love,

but I didn't know how.

So I went to see my pops

and that's when he gave me
the damnedest piece of advice.

It changed me forever.

...mira gran pendejo,

you want to know how powerful
a woman's orgasm is?

It's in her sneeze.

(sneeze)

Jesse:
Oh, by the way,

that woman's
not my moms, no.

And when my mother found out

she kicked my father's ass out
all the way to Jersey.

And then my Gramps became
my substitute dad.

And he assured me--

Love is like talent.

You don't know where
it comes from

or what it is,

but it comes.

Jesse, you're lucky women
don't care about looks,

but you better be funny.

Whoa-whoa Dean, whoa-whoa Dean!

I say... I say, You're way off.

You're way off this time, son.

Put 'em up, put 'em up.

Jesse. Shit!
You're scaring people.

Come inside.

No one wants to kiss me, Gramps.

Even Moms had to get drunk
to breastfeed me.

I like you, M'ijo.

I just like your
brother Ray better.

Jesse:
Oh yeah, my Moms liked

my brother much better.

'Cause he had all the qualities
my mother liked in men--

he was handsome,
he had nice hair

and he always had my back.

I'm ashamed to be your brother.

Jesse:
Why did I have to be the loser

Why did I have to be
the nerdy brother?

It wasn't fair.

I was so sick of watching him
get all the girls.

So I took a more direct
approach.

Oh my God!

(giggling)

♪ F-U-G-L-Y. You ain't
got no alibi! ♪

♪ You fugly, fugly,
fugly, effin' ugly ♪

Jesse:
The nickname stuck

Fugly, for the rest of my life.

And then eight years later

I got the chance to
escape the shadow

of my better-looking brother

and fled to college.

And people,
I'd done my homework.

I knew that as an ambassador
of Affirmative Action,

I'd get into some good colleges,

but nothing...
nothing prepared me

for Vassar.

Vassar was like a Pez dispenser.

Six girls to every guy,

which meant that at
least one of them

would be into me.

♪♪♪

Oh, God, I wanted women
to think I was great.

(girls giggling)

I wanted to exact my revenge.

I wasn't going to fall
in love with them

but make them
fall in love with me.

But then I met Carol.

And the saying goes

that men look for their mothers
in a mate

and maybe it's true

'cause I found the most abusive
woman on campus.

She even turned out
to be a Republican...

Fuck me, you
commie lover. Oh!

...And the president of the
Latinos for Bush campaign.

Pinko! Leftist pinko!

Jesse:
Now I'm not partisan

but Latin Republicans?

That's like Roaches for Raid.

- Are you kidding me?

Was it good for you?

I've had elevator rides
that lasted longer than that.

(door slams)

Jesse:
I needed more than Carol

to undo my fugliness.

So I decided to look for
a more sensitive type

in the drama department.

And since I was the only
straight man of colour

I got the chance
to play Othello.

You people will--

Down, Strumpet!

Why should I fear, I know not.
Guiltiness, oh, I know not.

Cut!

Down, Strumpet!

Why? I feel! I fear!

That was great. Thank you.

(sneezes)

Jesse:
And that's when I saw Lara

for the first time.

♪♪♪

It's in her sneeze.

(sneezes)

Hey, how about her?
How about her?

Her? Yeah, sure, yeah.

Come on. Go on.

Yeah, you. Up.

Jesse:
Wow, what a beautiful mess

trapped in an even hotter body.

And she was an uptown girl, too.

Good breeding, fancy.

Oh, she was different,
all right,

and she had everything.

Okay. And... action!

Go!

Louder... Louder. You can do it.

Talk you of killing!?

Aye, I do.

If it were now to die,

'Twere now to die most happy;

for, I fear, my soul hath
her content so absolute

that not another comfort like to
this succeeds in unknown faith.

Why should I fear... I know not!

Since guiltiness, I know not!

I feel I fear!

(sporadic clapping)

Awesome. That was so great.

Cut.

Jesse:
Like I said,

she had everything...
everything but talent.

But I didn't care.

Hey, it gave me a chance to
chat her up.

No, God, and
I know I'm a

horrible actress,
by the way.

But that's great.

The world needs more
horrible actresses

who know they're horrible.

You know how many actresses
that think they're amazing

but they're really horrible?

- Oh, wait no.

No, no, no.

No, I do not want
to be an actress.

You don't want
to be an actress?

No. I'm just doing this
because my mom thinks

I have these
confidence issues,

which, by the way,
she gave me.

Why am I telling
you this? I'm...

Why did you
start acting?

Oh, man,
I don't know.

I was a kid and my mom,
every time I met somebody new

she'd always go,
"Act like you're not my child."

- Oh, come on.

- Yeah. I thought I had an
inferiority complex.

Now I realize that it was
just good judgement.

It doesn't
look like it.

Like what?

It just doesn't
look like it.

What do I look like?

Honestly?

Yeah.

I would say, birth
order, second child.

Spent a lot of time indoors.

Yeah.

Didn't get attention
from the opposite sex

and so you used humour as
a way to compensate.

Uh huh.

And definitely penis envy.

Oh, hey, hey, now, now.

Now you got to stop that.

If you're gonna be
straight up like that

I'm not gonna be able to
hang with you.

Who said I
wanted to hang?

(singing in Spanish)

Jesse:
And that's when I discovered

that she was the queen
of contradictions.

Oh, yeah.

Lara:
Oh yeah. (moaning)

(sneezing)

Jesse:
Oh, that sneeze.

That mucozoidal
symphony of Lara's

set the course for the rest
of my life.

Cop:
Romeo!

Get your ass off a Juliet

and get outta this car!

Jesse:
Okay, so the night didn't

turn out so perfect.

But, we didn't care.

To the left now.

No, we made the most of it.

Can we get one together?

Jesse:
God, I was so into her.

Isn't it cool?

- Yeah.

Isn't it cool just to do stuff
for the fuck of it?

I did something expressly
for the fuck of it

and look where it got me.

Oh, come on.
This is the best date

I've ever had.

Lara?

I'm very disappointed.

Your mother is coming home
early from the ashram.

- Sir? I'm... I'm Jesse Sanchez

I'm not paying your
bail, Mr. Snatchez.

Wow, is that your dad?

Yeah.

Holy cow.

No wonder you got
confidence issues.

Come on. Let's get
out of here.

Let's go to Denny's.

We'll celebrate with
a side order of bacon.

We're going home, Lara.

Lara?

Come on,
let's go.

Jesse?

Yeah?

I really like you.

I like you too.

That was like a
really fun night.

Yeah, wasn't it?

But I think...

I mean, I know,
we're just too different.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
I couldn't believe Lara
had left me.

So I wrote her a million letters
trying to get an answer,

but they were all returned.

God, I felt crushed.

I felt so broken
I needed to expose my pain

so I just focused on my art.

Cut!

What the fuck is it...
I don't understand, man.

How is this loneliness?

What is alone?
Is it playing a cello?

Jesse:
But eventually the
collegiate abstraction

just left me feeling ignorant.

So I chose to act for
a more honest

and vocal crowd.

(screaming)

But children's theatre could
only fulfill me so much.

(screaming)

I kept hopelessly
looking for Lara

in all of my leading ladies.

Jesse, what are you doing?

You're wasting your life,
you know that, and your time.

Forget about her.

Jesse:
Hm. She was finally right.

And you know,
Lara wasn't the woman

I was supposed to end up with.

She was just the woman
I happened to fall in love with.

We were like West Side Story.

She was rich, I was poor,

but neither one of us could sing
or dance about it.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
It was the best sex I ever had
in my entire life.

It was.

I mean, for the first time
in my life I didn't feel fugly.

(Gibberish)

Jesse:
But I had to move on.

So I went back to performing.

(gibberish)

What kind of a
place is this?

It's too close.

Jesse:
Hey, at least my family
showed up...

even if it was to watch me fail.

(crying)

(applause)

I have an exaggerated sense
of my own unimportance.

And I don't think it's
just me either.

I think all Latin people,

we have a collective
low self-esteem.

I think it
must have started back when

our whole culture got destroyed.

I mean, it must have started
when my great-great-great-

Conquistador grandfather,

who must have been like,
“I'm going

to better your blood,
Incan slut.”

And my great-great-great Incan
grandmother was like--

(crying baby sound)

“Excuse me,
what's wrong with my blood?

Is it watery? Is it low in iron?

And you certainly ain't man
enough

to fix it for me.”

Jesse:
(slaping sound effect)

(boing sound effect)

“Who's not man enough now,
Indian slut?

I'm going to colonize you.”

“Oh, no, no.
Can you please take my land,

take my gold, just don't stop.”

“Who's your king?
Who's your king?

Huh!? Huh!?

I know imperialism is bad
but it feels so good!

Ay coño... coño, cup my pink,
fuzzy little balls. Oh...”

(laughing)

Dude, that didn't suck?

How could I trust the
opinion of a guy

who thinks Tennessee Williams
is a state capital, huh?

Oh, you know
what? Fuck it, it sucked.

You should get a better actor
to play you.

Honestly? Put
more of that sex stuff in.

More sex stuff?

I ejaculated on stage.

What are you talking about?

It's like Inca stuff,
Indians, they don't want that.

They want hot chicks,
BJs, that kind of stuff.

You know, whoever said,

"A mind is a
terrible thing to waste,"

was talking about you.

By the way, Moms and Gramps had
to split.

That chick with
the bush freaked them out.

Hello!

Funny man,
let me shake the hand

that wrote those lines.

I don't know if you want to
shake this hand,

it's done a lot
of other nasty things.

Stoddard Lowenstein.

Stoddard. I'm Ray.

Hi, Ray.

I'm a Pisces.

Thank you, Ray.

It was pretty good.

Needs a little bit of work.

Oh, really?
See, the nicest thing

I heard all day.

And I hear there's this big
Latino invasion going on.

So I need a client that could
compete with

“Benicio Del Taurus”.

Who's that?

Shut up.

I think I can change your life.
Call me.

Ray:
Hey, Stoddard.

Yes?

I'm gonna
make a difference in you.

I'll be waiting.

Asshole!

You should have told
me that Stoddard

Lowenstein was gonna be here.

Jesse:
And that's when I met the woman

that was going to make me forget

everything that
was wrong in my life--

Zowie.

I think I'm gonna
stay and watch.

Jesse:
She was what the weather channel
would call a force of nature.

Penetrated.

Feline. Pussy cat.

Fear my lioness. Yes!

Queen of the jungle!
Screams of the jungle!

Blood! No male fears!

You never cum.

She was the most passionate
of performers.

Again...!

Yeah. Yeah! Wow!

Wow. Incredible word-smithing.

You're political and movement.
And I feel castrated even.

I'm Jessie Sanchez
and you are...?

Late. I need my fee.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to
take up your time.

I just think you're incredible.

You really think I'm talented?

Honestly, Zoe?

Honestly. And it's Zowie.

Zowie.I think you're a
Latino Meryl Streep

with only one accent.

Well, I love Meryl Streep
but I'm barely Latin.

Oh, come on, you're Latin.

Not with these blue eyes and
blonde highlights, I'm not.

Oh no, then you're right,

you're a self-hatin'
Latin woman.

No. I'm a
self-preserving Latin woman.

Oh, come on, you're Latin.
You know it only takes a drop.

Come on, can you dance
without music?

Yeah, but...

Do your friends tell you
to stop screamin'

when you're
actually just talking?

Uh huh. Right, see?

Can you get to your house
blindfolded

because the
smell of sazon in Manteca

is so strong?

(laughs) Yeah, but...

See? You're either really fly
for a white chick

or my favourite genre of female.

Come here...

Stoddard.

What about her?

She has to represent me, too.

Yeah?

Yeah. I'm gonna be a
famous actress

come hook or by crook.

Not a problem.

You think I'm fuckable?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Good. 'Cause it's very important
in this business.

Okay.

Jesse:
Zowie was my cure for Lara

even though she was the
most selfish

and self-centred
woman I'd ever met,

but it was
exactly what I needed.

I know what's best for you.
You just be funny.

Trust me and give
me ten percent.

Okay. Okay. That's
fine with me,

but I gotta ask
you something.

I know it's a little
inappropriate,

but can you represent my
girlfriend, too?

For twenty percent.

♪♪♪

Oh, strange place.

Oh, God.

Please don't judge me
by my relatives, okay?

There he is.

(girls giggling)

This is Holly. She's a dancer.

And this is Molly,
she's a lawyer.

A lawyer looks like this?
I give up.

My brother uses his
personality as birth control.

(laughs) I can see that.

I'm gonna go to the ladies room.

- Yes. I'm feeling a little
over-dressed.

Know what? That's a great idea.

Why don't you
all go to the bathroom?

Jesus Christ.

I don't know how you do it.

You're like a rock star, dude.

You got all the juice right now,

you could have all the
pussy you want

and milk it
for the rest of your life.

What are you doing?

I think you're mixing up
your pussy metaphors.

Do you realize that?

Are you in love with that girl?

So what? So maybe I have...
did... do... are.

Bro, relationships
are like having

a hippopotamus on your face.

Hippopotamus?

That's right.

No matter how hard you
push or which

way you turn
you're gonna see a hippo.

You turn right, hippo!
You turn left, hippo!

I... can't... get... up!

I can't even breathe.

(breathing heavily)

Now hippopotamuses
aren't all bad,

but I wasn't meant to live
with one sitting on my face.

Jesse:
I wasn't afraid
of hippo or intimacy,

so I stuck it out with Zowie

‘cause she was determined to
make me a star

in my first made-for-TV movie.

Well, as long as she could be
the superstar.

Well, how's the pay?

Thirty? Thirty dollars?

One sec... thirty K!

Okay. All right.
You're right.

That is meaningful.
One second, please.

(whispers)
Ask about me.

Yeah, I'm listening,

Okay I'll do it.

I'll call you back later then,
all right. Peace.

What?

You fucking
cocksucker!

You got the part,
didn't you?

Yes.

You didn't ask
for me. Not once!

I didn't hear
my name mentioned

not once!

Zowie, I got you
Crack Ho #3.

And you're gonna share
my trailer, okay?

Does that make
you happy?

Really?

Yeah.

Oh my God!

I gotta study
my lines.

Yeah, you better.

Oh my God, this is so great.
What part did you get,

the rapist or the mugger?

I got the drug dealer.

(gasp)

(squealing)

♪♪♪

Jesse:
As low-brow as these
B movies were,

I had found my career... or it
had found me.

I was being racially profiled by
the industry.

Always the perp for all seasons,
the working man's hoodlum.

But I was finally
making it, man.

I was finally somebody.

I just want to write my own
stuff. I want to...

I want to go back on that stage
and perform and...

Do it. What are
you waiting for?

'Cause there's no money in
theatre, that's why.

There's no money in theatre.

Look, I... I played a rapist and
I made ten thousand dollars.

'Cause in Hollywood even
rapists get residuals, okay?

Uh hm. You're trying to convince
your grandpa

that playing gangster
is all right?

Wanna play a
gangster, do it. But be the

best motherfucking gangster that
ever lived!

Jesse:
My Gramps is right.
I had to accept my lot in life.

And as soon as I did I became

the king of
exploitational movies.

♪♪♪

So I embraced my C-list status

and I put everybody
on the payroll.

I made my brother my assistant
and my Moms my manager.'

Cause you know
how trebaho we Latin people is.

You can get him a percentage of
the gross if there's a sequel.

Two or three percent?

And what about ancillary?

It depends on the focus groups.
If kids love him,

we can make some real money.

You know, I love it when you
guys act like

I'm not even in the room.

(laughing)

♪♪♪

Jesse:
Success is tough, man. It makes
people get weird.

Even my Moms wrote a book about
what a creep I was.

Announcer:
Tonight Exclusive.

Jesse:
Well, it was more about my life.

Announcer:
Nylda Sanchez New Memoir.

Jesse:
I'll sue you.

Throw you out of the house.

I'll cut off
the Macy's credit card and then

I'll sue you again in case the
first time didn't stick.

First chapter I deal with his
father making me into a bitch.

Second chapter
I un-bitch myself.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
Look at us moving on up.

And just like The Jeffersons, I
bought us a brownstone uptown.

What? You're... you're all going
to be living here?

No, no, just my Gramps, my
mother and my brother and me.

I'm his accountant. If it wasn't
for me you'd be in big trouble.

Yeah, right. Idol-maker. Man who
makes dreams come true.

He got it, Ray.

what about her?

What about her?

Is she staying here?

What do you mean, is she? What
are you doing?

Excuse me?

You heard me,
what are you doing?

Nothing.

No. Since I'm single

and since you haven't asked me
to move in with you...

Well, you know,
I did ask you.

well, I was going to.
I just didn't

Jesse, what are you doing?

There's not space for all of us.
Where're you gonna put her?

Rey:
Dude, we talked about this.

You talked about me
with your brother?

Yeah, we talked
about it.

We're a close family.

Jesus, Jesse!

You're such a freakin'
little kid.

Am not.

Yes, you are.
You're a little cry baby.

Why can't you just man
up just once?

you want me to show
you who's in charge here?

I am. And I insist that you
marry me right now or soon.

Are you asking me
to marry you or not?

Yeah. I certainly
might be doing that.

No.

Yes.

You have to get down
on your knees.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Zowie, I--

Never kneel in
front of a woman,

you'll never get
up, shithead.

Jesse:
And just like that
we got nuptialed.

♪♪♪

'Cause I was going to
prove to Zowie

and my family
that I could man up.

I was going to get their
respect. I...

Well, I hoped anyway.

As a civilian, getting a little
culture, that's all.

I'm an investor in the show.

I love Eisenstein on the Beach.

Cop:
Look, I've been chasing
you for five years.

Five, fucking years.

Yeah! Hey. Shit. Ah!

(groaning)

Get off me. Get off me, man!
What the fuck is going on?

Cut! Cut this bullshit.

Director:
What are you cutting for?
You can't cut.

What the hell's going on?

Jesse. Jesse. You can't cut.
Don't call cut.

I know, but I just got hit,
man. You...

You get punched and see if you
don't yell, cut.

I'm telling I will walk off.

Wait a second. What bothered
you? Where did you get hit

What bothered me?

He punched me and slapped me in
the back of the head.

I'm not gonna
put up with that shit.

Mom, didn't I ban you
from the sets?

(Spanish) Stoddard and I were
just finishing up.

Ray can you
talk to him for me, please?

Stoddard:
He's loving it.

It's going really, really well.

Jesse, producer.

I'm not talking to him.

Be nice.

I'm not--

Be nice. Thank you.

Hey there, Mr. Bigel,
how're you doing?

it's goin' great,
yeah, we had a great shot

just now...yeah...No, I love
playing villains.

I mean, what happened, all the
janitors and rapists were taken?

Maybe next--

That's not funny.
It was a joke.

When you say, "Check the gate,"
what does that mean?

Check the gate means let's get
the fuck out of here.

Love you. Let me give you some
advice, okay?

Lower your standards.
You can't open a movie.

The industry is
moving away from actors.

They want rappers, they want
reality stars.

If you're not incredibly
good looking,

get ready to be sidelined.

Let me see if I understand you.

Giving up is a way
of attaining my dreams.

Is that what you're
saying to me?

Your dreams?
You know what you are

and you keep taking the cheques
for it. You have a niche,

"angry urban guy".

It could better,
it could be worse.

Mom, I got it.

Hey, look. You know, I'm gonna
go for my career my way,

even if I fail, even if I never
work again. Okay?

Okay, I want you to
call Dr. Penny,

please. I'm
actually begging you.

Jesse:
Stoddard threatened to drop me
if I didn't go see her psych.

So I went 'cause
I started to suspect that

I might have problems that went
beyond my career.

Fuck you, you, you
uncivilized, uneducated,

useless piece of ghetto,
underprivileged.

You're never gonna be anybody.

Never gonna be anything.

You suck!

Yes. Now respond
as yourself.

Fuck you, back, because

I mean, fuck me.
I don't know. I'm confused.

I'm just... I'm just confused. I
mean, is it...

is it me talking to me then or
me then talking to me now?

That's okay. It
happens sometimes.

Let's try
something different. Let's--

I want Desdemona again.

I just want... I just want to
have what I had with her.

(sneeze)

♪♪♪

This image you
have of this girl is just

a wish fulfillment
fantasy. Sorry.

Really?

Breakthrough.

Really?

Very good.

Great.

♪♪♪

Wow! Lara... Lara Perry. Oh my
God. Jesse... Jesse Sanchez.

Remember you vomited on me in
school. Remember that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm just...
I'm here to

cancel an appointment actually.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Just... you
seeing, um... Me too.

Me?

Yeah.

(breathing intensifies)

No. No, I'm... I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

Lara. Hey... Lara. Lara, wait.

I just want to talk.
Lara, please,

give me a chance.
Come on, let's just talk!

Please, I don't want a stupid
reunion scene, okay?

I don't want to reconnect.

I... I don't want to have sex
with you and

I don't want to be friends.

What? You don't want to
have sex with me?

No!

Okay then, why are you crying?

Jesus, I'm not.

Hey, did you just get dumped?

Oh my God,
I didn't just get dumped.

Okay. Good for you.

Okay. I know what this looks
like. I know, you see a woman

coming down from the therapist's
office in her mid-thirties,

so you're going to make these
assumptions. Fine.

You're looking good, by the way.

Thanks. So are you.

I'm... honestly,
I'm in a great space.

I'm feeling very good
about myself.

And I am in a
very happy relationship.

Oh, no, no.
I... I can see that. I...

'cause I always cry when I'm in
a happy relationship.

Seems to me that you
may be getting married soon.

Oh this? This? Oh, no, no. This
isn't what...

what you think it is.

I mean, I... I know it seems...
you see that and you think well,

this guy is obviously not the
kind of...

Oh God. My God! Are you all
right? You... you okay?

You need some medication. Do you
need water with that or...

Jesus Christ, you have. I'll
hold your head. Breathe.

Uh oh, get away. Get away. Okay,
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

No.

No. No. Come back.
Come back. No.

Nine. Me... nine me. One. 9-1-1.

Oh my God, I'm such an
idiot. I'm such a goddamn idiot.

I'm so sorry. Just breathe. Just
breathe. Just relax.

(groaning)

All right, hold. Oh, it's
breaking up.

Oh, sorry. So sorry.

(groaning)

I got ya. I got ya. Oh, I... oh
God. Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus, you're shoe. I can't
get your shoe. Oh.

Taxi!

Hey. How are you feeling?

Why do you always carry a gun?

Don't tell me you've
seen my movies.

Of course.

I want to shoot every 'A' list
actor until they have to use me.

Miss Perry.
How are you feeling today?

Um... I'm okay.

I'll ... I'll wait outside.

Just be a few minutes.

You don't have
to leave.

Yeah, I... I do.

Hi. Lara Perry.
She was just admitted.

Thank you.

Oh you must be Lara's
Perry's dad?

Get that a lot.
LNo. I'm her boyfriend.

Oh. Well, no wonder she was
crying in therapy, huh?

She was crying in therapy?

Oh no, I shouldn't said
anything. My bad.

Look, I'm gonna go.

Oh, she's sleeping.

No, I'm fine. They just put me
on some sedative

and they won't let me leave.

I'm here.

Thank you. Why do you... why do
you always give me one flower?

Why not... why not two or three?

Well, I just think
the individuality makes it more,

I don't know, beautiful. Hm? Any
more, it would just be common.

I thought you said that nobody
was special.

I... I... I didn't say that.

Jesse:
I think less than
twelve makes you cheap!

My opinion. Excuse me for
talking over here.

Oh, this is Jesse.

Jesse Sanchez.

Okay.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you're an actor.

Yeah, it happens
to most families.

You look
familiar, yes.

Oh, it's really... it's kind of
random actually,

we bumped into
each other on the street today.

I just saved her life.

He's not... He's exaggerating.

Well, you are...
you're having

these spells though, more and
more often.

Honey. Honey, you are a
therapist, you're not a doctor.

No, we're
both therapists.

Yes we... we are actually.
We met in grad school.

He was my professor.

Uh huh. Not one of my finer
moments, falling for my student.

Falling for
your student.

Was worth it.

(Chuckles)

Oh, you must be so lucky, huh?

Lara comes with all these daddy
issues built in.

(laughs)

Okay. Is it me? It's me right?

♪♪♪

Really? It usually is me.

Okay. Okay, um, this was good.
This was good.

You know, it was
really good doing this.

This getting reacquainted
thing. Let's...

let's do it again. Maybe in my
hospital room next time.

Yeah. It was nice to
see you too.

Yeah? What an asshole.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
Oh my God, what could she see in
that Jeffrey guy?

Such an academic. Such a
"by the textbook" type of guy.

Look at me, I'm successful

and... and famous-ish and...
and... and... Never mind.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Give it to me hard, quick. Come
on, baby, you're... you're

Oh, oh yeah that
feels good. Yes, Jesse, yes.

Come on. Give it to me, hottie.
You fake communist,

you fucking wannabe socialist.
Your Chavez-hating--

I don't hate Chavez I don't even
know how I feel about him--

Oh, Jesse, please,
don't quit on me now.

Okay, stop calling me names and
just stop insulting me.

Just be nice.

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.

Come on. Come on,
baby. Yes. Yes. Yes!

That's it! You fucking spineless
little twerp!

You fucking
self-applauding bastard!

You beggar at the door!

Oh, God! Oh God! Oh, God!

Yes!

Ah! Oh!

Did you just spit on me?

No, no, no. I... I came.

You did?

Oh. Oh, it was good.
So tired.

What about me?

Could you do me a favour?

Could you... just,
it would really help.

Could you sneeze for me?

You want me to sneeze?

Yeah, yeah, sneeze, just once.

You're kidding?

No.

No. You fuckin' turn me off with
that shit.

What do you mean sneeze?

Who fuckin' does that? Is that
how you're gonna get off?

Why can't you be like my
girlfriend's men, huh?

They fuckin' pull their hair,
they spank their ass, you know?

Fuckin' treat 'em like
a piece of meat.

Why can't you do that for me?

Is that what you want?

I mean, what happened to all
your female power and

emancipation and
all that? What happened to that?

Feminism has no place in the
bedroom, darling.

Damn.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
Seeing Lara earlier put me in a
bind with Zowie and,

I mean, I thought
I was over her. But was I?

So I dealt with
it in my usual way.

I ignored it and... and wrote
about it.

Hey, you gotta read this. You
read it for me.

My... my boy,
I go... Tell your mother.

Oh, come on. What's the matter?

Gloria? Gloria?

Mom, can you read this for me?

You want me to read this?

Yeah. Yeah.
I'm preparing. I got...

I got another show coming up.

I can't work on it unless I hear
it. I'm audio.

“When I met her, her jeans were
so tight I couldn't breathe.

And we got
naked for the first time.”

It's the set up...
the set up. Come on.

“Let me take a picture of it.
Why? So I can get it enlarged.”

(laughing)

That works. That's funny.

“But as soon as she became Mrs.
Sanchez--“

You know, she actually
said that to me.

“Jesse, or should I call you
Peter Pan Pendejo .

I've had it with your test, you
pussy.”

Mom. What the hell
was that about?

I told you not to do this
autobiographical crap.

That's why I wrote
the book. To teach you a lesson.

Thank you. No, you're right.
You're right.

My dialogue is crap.
Everything... my life is crap.

If you made a mistake
tell her in person,

not on the stage,
you pendejo.

No, I can't.

Why?

Because she's gonna hit me.

Jesse, Zowie's right. You've
always been,

and I say this
with l-o-v-e, a big pussy.

That's great.

And, at some point you have to
grab the steering wheel of life.

Stop being a big pendejo .

Mom, you know what's the best
thing to do is just...

just stay out of my life, okay?

You say you're for me, but
you're not really for me.

But I am.

Oh, mom, you can't hug
everything away just like that.

Okay. Forget it.

I have to go. I'm the featured
guest at the

Mothers Who Get No Love lunch.

See ya.

Did she go?

Yeah, she's gone.

Well, she has never
been right, okay.

But now, unfortunately,

she was. It's time for
you to be a man

and make a choice, goddamn it!

I feel like a... I'm... like,
I'm a... I'm a--

Complete failure.

No. No. Me, yeah, but you know
what, I'm good,

I'm good. I'm... I'm such a--

Asshole. Loser. Closeted
homosexual?

Alright. Come on. Come on.

You're supposed to be trying to
help me out.

I mean, this is not helping me.

Well, if you don't want my
opinions then why are you here?

I mean, I just feel like
seeing her again

god if
you'd just make it easy

for me and give me her
address, huh?

I mean, I... I know you got that
client privilege thing,

but, okay, if she lives above
Fourteenth Street

tap your foot twice.

Come on. Come on, her number.
Telephone number.

Is it 212 or 718? Shit.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
I decided it was time
to talk to Zowie.

For me to set her free.
To let her have her life back.

To let her soar.

(mumbling)

Oh wow.

Baby, it's not what you think.

No, no, hey, no, no. Just keep
doing what you're doing.

Don't worry about me.

No. Baby, baby, wait. Wait.

You cheated on me.

I didn't cheat.
I just made it easy for you.

Jesse:
(exasperated sigh)

♪♪♪

I don't know, I guess what I was
really hoping was

that marrying
Zowie would fix everything.

That somehow, I thought she'd
make me happy.

And if she loved
me, she really loved me,

then I'd be like Pinocchio, I'd
become a real live boy.

Jesse, you gotta get out of your
freakin' way Jesse.

The laws of attraction work if
you believe in the affirmative

it will come to you.

Stop being the man in the
relationship.

Are you believe? No, you're not
believing in it

‘cause if you believe in it
you'd be somebody

instead of being a
nobody like you are.

Stop being the man in the
relationship!

I wanna be with a somebody.
'Cause I'm somebody, too,

and I need to
be with somebody who's

somebody not somebody
who's nobody.

I didn't mean to yell at you.

♪♪♪

Lara. Hi.

Are you stalking me?

You clean up.

Thank you.

Okay. You have one minute.

What? I have a minute?

One minute, go.

Okay, this is gonna
sound strange,

but how does a guy deal with the
fact that he met

the woman of his life when he
was only twenty years old?

Twenty in dog years is like a
hundred and forty,

but in emotional
man years, that's like twelve.

I know. I know. And I've done
all the things

a guy can do to fuck
up and I'm not proud of it.

I'm saying but, they were...

I thought they were noble
at the time.

But I'm a different man now.
I've been married

so I know what
it's like to be alone.

I'm a Knicks fan so I know what
it's like to

love unconditionally and get
nothing in return.

Not even from my beloved Mets.
And I'm twice as old and

three times as mature as when
you first met me.

And...

I'm getting divorced.

What do you mean, ridiculous?

But what do you really know
about me?

I... I really... I--

Nothing.

No, no, okay. Maybe not...
maybe not.

I got time though, I got time.

I don't have to be at work 'til
April of next year.

I'm supposed to summarize twenty
years of my life?

Yeah, why not? I just
summarized twenty years of my

life in sixty seconds. Three
seconds per year.

Where do I begin? I don't know.
I didn't go to Peace Corps.

Oh, that's why you didn't answer
my letters.

You sent me letters?

Yeah. Uh, never mind. Don't
worry about it.

What were you saying?

I didn't go to
Peace Corps 'cause

I fell in love with this jerk.

I moved to London to
be with him.

It didn't really work out. My
mom and him--

Oh, your mom hates
jerks? Can't blame her.

I lived in San Francisco. I
moved to Thailand.

I studied massage.

Massage. I like massage.

I worked with chickens.

Chickens? Sustainable, are you?

I found myself in a lot of
people's mess

for a long time until
I figured out, at some point,

that was something that I was
actually good at and--

That's great 'cause I got a lot
of problems.

...DJ Paul still gets me hot.

I gotta go.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You gotta
go right now?

Yeah, I have a boyfriend, Jesse.

I know. I'm okay. Here,
here for you.

Hey, why don't you
guys come and see me perform?

I've got a
show coming up Friday.

You can bring the anti-social
worker, if you want.

Okay.

Friday.

Sure.

We'll... we'll have dinner
afterwards.

Something really casual.
No big deal.

Nice.

Yeah, I don't wanna... I don't
wanna throw them away.

Thanks.

I'd like to see you explain
that to him.

I'll try.

♪♪♪

I thought you guys were gonna be
here. I'm gonna...

I needed to run some
material through you, man.

And Gramps is not here to give
the bendicicon.

Dude, come on,
you're bumming me out.

Wow, check out the chompers.

Honey. Honey. Your hands
messing my hair.

Jesse:
Look, I gotta go.

You got the tickets?

Yes.

Really? You get them online?

No, he gave them to me.

When?

In the mail.

I've learned that you can't make
somebody love you.

No you can't. All you
can do is just stalk them

and hope they panic and give in.

(laughter)

And that's what I did.
I stalked 'em.

I follow them all the way up to
their upper Westside little

enclave and... and I became
a third wheel on their date

and made them come all the way
downtown to a

Film Forum and watch
a movie with me.

"This Revolution Will Not Be
Televised",

the Hugo Chavez Story. It was
all very subversively

intellectual and this Jeffrey
guy says to me,

he's like... he turns to me and
he's like...

"How was the film? What'd you
think of it?"

I was like,
"Oh dude, it's so dead on, man.

It's just like the US.

'Cause the US is just like that
guy at a party

who offers everybody coke,

but everybody still doesn't
like him."

(laughing)

And he says to me,

"Said like someone
who reads Harpers Magazine.

You must be a socialist too. Oh,
do you believe

everything should
be fair and egalitarian.

And we should make tall people
have to walk on their knees

and make attractive
people look ugly."

And I'm like, "Oh my God,

this dude sounds
just like the rest of those

flat pimply conservative asses
that infuriate me,

man. Because they don't... they
don't feel anything viscerally,

it's all gamesmanship and...

and advanced calculus and it
reminds me of my mom.

My mom's just like that.
Oh yeah,

'cause she tells
people, "I have two sons,

one's great and the other one,
well, he's an actor."

(laughing)

That's my mother... that's my
mother's ass.

Oh, my mother's ass,

oh my God, I'm thinking about
my mother's ass.

So please, don't you
think of her ass.

I mean, of course,
unless you've seen it

and then that's your
problem, not mine.

I know it's not a joke.
You know what,

you were brilliant
tonight. You were amazing.

The way that you talk and change
between characters

like that. It's not
even like he's acting, is it?

It's like you actually become
that person, you know.

You know, it's like I... I...
I'm like a shaman, you know,

I just channel stuff and get
myself possessed onstage.

(chuckles)

I mean, if only...
if only our clients

could become that self-aware.
Right? Right, Jeffrey.

If only our patients were as
talented as Jesse here.

Yes, that's true.

Although, I do think
your imitation

of me needs a little work.

(laughs)

I liked it, actually.

Well, I also... I said the
Atlantic, by the way.

I'll get it right next time.

Whatever.

So tell me, what...
what is your...

what's your family think of
being depicted like that?

My family? Well, I... you know,
I tell them,

look, I'm an artist, right, so
everything is fair game.

If they get offended, I say,
"Fuck you. I buy you back."

What? Hm. Oh wow. You mad at me?

Mad? Why would I be mad?

No, he's not mad.

It's art.

I'm getting the feeling you're
mad at me.

No!

Well, I didn't mean to offend
you or anything.

No, it's art. Right?

Yeah, it's just... it's my
interpretation of things.

Nothing based in reality,
you know.

And that's exactly
what we want from our patients

to become aware about themselves
in that kind of way.

Yeah well, yeah. If all of our
patients were exactly the same,

that's what we'd want. But
they're not, are they?

Is it so hard for you to just
flat-out agree with me?

Hey, I flat out agree with you.

Thank you. No, it's just that
he's so accomplished

it's kind of hard
for him to give me any

validation these days, isn't it,
baby? Isn't it?

I got a question for you. I...

I'm writing a book and it's very
dry and very academic.

What if I wrote about the case
studies of my patients?

You know, what if I made money
off of the most despondent,

you know? What if I, you know,
sacrificed their... their...

their sanity for my own
ambition, would that be art?

Only if it's funny.
But hey, look,

I don't know what's goin'
on here, but

this is just a friendly dinner.

No. This is not just a
dinner anymore

than your play is just a play.

Are you okay?

I... I'm sorry.
I'm not... I'm just...

I'm very tired and I'm just...
I... you know,

I have that... I've got that
appointment with

Dr. Sheveloff in the morning. I
kind of... I got to go to bed.

Do you mind?
I just... I'm gonna...

Actually, I... I'm gonna go. But
you stay, you stay--

Are you... are you sure?

Shh. You stay.

Thank you man.

Oh God.

I said something that
provoked him.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't... I didn't mean to.

He loved the play. He really
did. He... he loved the play.

Sure.

I never understood how they
could have

a smoking section
in the restaurant.

You know what it's like?

It's like having a peeing
section in the pool.

Yeah.

Hey... hey, don't take this the
wrong way either,

but he doesn't know you.

Well, you don't really
know me either.

I mean, we had a
one-night stand in college.

Yeah, a one-night stand that
lasted the rest of my life.

I mean, great
things happened in one night.

Super Bowl--

what are you
talking about?

You weren't this
enthused when you dumped me

like twenty years ago.

You dumped me.

You never called me again.

I never called you back
'cause I thought

you would understand
that was a cry for help.

Oh, geez, I... I must have dated
like a hundred guys

since I went out with you. And--

You dated a hundred guys?

Now you're starting to piss me
off and kind of turn me on,

at the same time.

Yeah, dated not slept with. But
that's... I just...

I... I never got to do the
dumping. Not once.

That's sad. Break up with me.

Go ahead, right now. Pretend
that you're going out with me

and pretend that I'm all those
jerks who dumped you

and take it out on me. Here's
our big chance. Come on.

That's stupid.

Do it, okay? Repeat after me.

Jeffrey, you never had anyone as
good as me, you never will.

Jesse, you never had anyone as
good as me and you never will.

I'm the prettiest, smartest most
together woman in the world.

I'm the prettiest, smartest,

most together woman
in the whole world.

And none of you--

...ever gave me--

An orgasm as good as my first
love, Jesse.

...an orgasm... Yeah, well,
you're just a fucker.

But you're all fuckers and...
and you're all the goddamn same.

You know what... you know what
the real problem is?

I just get into a
relationship and I just...

I get completely lost.

And I... I never know when to
leave. I'm stupid, I guess.

♪♪♪

sorry.

I should probably just go.

All right, they were more
intellectual,

more academic,
more... more evolved than me.

Is that possible?

But one thing we couldn't deny,
she was into me

and he knew it
and I think their breakup

might have gone a little bit
like this.

You want us to take
a break, right?

No! I want to break up with you.

You want us to spend
some time apart.

No. I want us to break up.

Of course you do--

No! I... I'm the one, okay, just
for the record,

I'm the one
breaking up with you.

Of course you are.

I'm... I'm leaving.

'Cause you need your space.

Yes! I need my space. I'm... I'm
going. I'm gone.

For now.

Oh, Jeffrey! I'm moving out.

Well, go ahead. Go to your
little clown.

Run to him. Run to the little
court jester,

the buffoon, the harlequin.

Jesse has more life
force than you'll ever have.

Jesse's got vitality and... and
spunk and imagination.

What do you have?
What do You have!?

Lara, you don't have to
fight for me.

Jeffrey, you heard her.

I think you should be man enough
to just walk away.

Just walk away, Jeffrey.
Come on, people, she picked me.

What are you upset about?
That many dislikes?

Well, it's time to
say goodbye to Jeffrey anyhow.

I imagine that's how the fight
must have gone.

There must have been a fight

'cause she called me soon after.
Bye, bye, Jeffrey.

Hello, Lara. Now
that Jeffrey's out of the way,

it's just you and me and I just
want to kiss you.

This is my chance to.

Please, do you mind?
A little privacy.

♪♪♪

...Relieved, you know.

Well, you should be.

No. No.

You made the right choice,
I'm telling you.

Oh God, I can't believe you
wrote all these letters. It's--

What? It's a
little obsessive?

It's really sweet.

Oh, God. Oh,
I just... I... I feel...

I'm feeling really guilty
right now.

Oh, don't feel guilty.

Ever since college
I... I... I still...

I think about that play.

You do?

Yeah. There's lines that... that
he says to Desdemona.

"If I were to die
now my soul would be content."

You know, later on he goes and
strangles the living daylights

out of her. But that's what I
think of at times

like this when I'm... when I'm
feeling kind of confused,

you know.

I... I know I'm gonna die so
what are the choices

that'll make my soul
the most happy? By the way,

I call this my...
my deathbed test.

Oh, wow, that's... that's...
that's really depressing.

No! I'm not depressing. No.

But it's a sign of intelligence.

No. It is. And it just... it
simplifies things.

How does
death simplify anything?

Well, I'm... I don't completely
trust you.

I mean, I don't even hardly know
you. But there... there is...

there's something about you and
about us that...

makes my soul content.

Okay.

Okay what?

Fine.

What? What? What'd I do?

No.

I did... I know I did something.

Nothing.

No, it's just I put... I've got
my soul like right here

in front of you
waiting to get stomped on,

but you know, take your time.
When you know how to answer--

No, no, no, no.

When you're ready you can just
let me know how you feel.

No. No, no. Shh. Shh. Shh. I'm
gonna pass your test.

Male Vocalist:
(singing in Spanish)

Jesse:
The passion was there like it
was twenty years ago.

But, I don't know, this time
something was different.

Something had changed.

♪♪♪

Jesse:
So she spent the night,
then the day

and then another
night and another day

and she didn't leave.

She stayed. And, you know what?
I didn't want her to go.

Male Vocalist:
♪ Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪ Beautiful Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ All I do-- ♪

Jesse:
Things were never better
between us...

and that's what
worried me. I mean,

was it too good to be true?

Male Vocalist:
♪ Lara, Lara Lara ♪

(whispers) Move in with me.

♪ Lara, Lara Lara ♪

♪ Wonderful Lara ♪

♪ Can you see that ♪

♪ Lara, Lara, Lara. ♪

Many people don't want to
finance a love story,

Jesse. Where's
the conflict in this?

You get back together
in the end.

Is this about Lara?
Is it because Lara's in it?

Honey, we've had this
conversation.

Fuck theatre.
And you should know

I found a really cute young
Hispanic kid.

Looks great holding a gun.

Are there quotas? You... you

can't have more than one
Hispanic guy?

I mean, what is
this? Am I in the sixties?

Is somebody gonna come in
with bellbottoms.

What's going on here?

Ah, the world needs people like
you, Jesse.

I just hope she's worth it.

My other clients have never put
love over a career.

You're dropping me.
You're dropping me as a client.

And then you're still
touching my hands.

I mean, I don't know what kind
of mixed signals you're giving,

but you're the one that's
fired, okay?

I fire you.

What, is this the only way I...

I'm going to be able to
communicate with you?

Come on. You know,
I... I've just

got to write this thing,
that's all.

I just feel like
you're ignoring me a little.

I'm not ignoring you. I'm not.

You're always working.

I'm writing my masterpiece. I
just need this morning.

You have a
better relationship with

your computer than
you do with me.

No I don't.

No, it's okay. I've got
an idea. Let's just talk about

all the things that really bug
us about each other. Okay?

Can we just get that stuff
out of the way,

it's bringing
us very close together.

No it's not. No, it's not.
It's gonna...

you're playing with fire.

No, I'll go first.

I... I'd rather you didn't.

your... your... you dress
a little young for your age

and it makes your childishness
somewhat unattractive.

Your hair. It's a
little, uh, it's a little big.

It's kind of attention-getting.
You know what,

That's not actually
what bugs me.

What bugs me is that you never
want to talk about our future.

I mean, where...
where are we going?

You don't even want to
make up like,

pretend names for our kids.

You want to pretend, I'll
pretend. Look,

I... I'll pretend. You want me
to pretend we have kids?

We could have a dozen,
a litter, we could have...

the... their names are... are
Harpo, Groucho, Zeppo, Gumbo.

And... you want to get on my...

pretend to be on my knees and
propose to you?

I'll pretend to propose to you.

We get chamber music, I--

I... I would like that.

(sighs)

(laughs)

I'm sorry.

Okay. Um, all right
so your turn.

I don't want to do this.

Don't censor any of
your thoughts.

I love what we have. I... I
want...

I want you just the way you are.
I don't want to ruin that.

I don't want to mess with it.
This is perfect.

No, come on.
What bugs you about me?

You're...

Say it. Just say it.

You're nice. You're too nice.

I'm nice?

Yeah. No, I... I didn't... I
didn't mean in a bad way.

Oh, that was great. I feel
better. You feel better?

No, honestly,
I don't feel better.

My friend is... is... is going
through something

and I... I feel like I
should really be there for her.

Lara, we're supposed to spend
the whole day together.

That's why I got the
Mets tickets.

You're probably going to have a

more exciting time without
me, anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it
to come out like that.

Have... have fun, okay?

Okay, so then... so
then Lara says to me, she says,

"Jesse, I hope some day you'll
be okay in your own skin."

I know I'm exaggerating, but
that's how she kind of sounds.

And I... and I say back to her,

"Yeah, Lara, I got
delusions of adequacy."

So what do you think?

That's it?

That's it.

That's not funny.

I know. I feel the same
way. I just... I don't know,

I hit a wall, man. I... I... I
don't know what's wrong with me.

I just don't know.

Remember the
thing about the triangle

that wanted to fit in
and he couldn't?

The little triangle and he just
rolls and rolls

and then becomes a circle
some day.

Right. That's you.

That's me?

Yeah. Now you have to
tell me why?

I got to tell you why?

Yeah.

All right, Socrates. Um, so
I'm... I'm the triangle

and I don't fit... I don't fit,

right? So I want to fit and I
try to fit in.

So I'm rolling
along and rolling along

and, Lara, she's already a
circle. And she's a circle

and she's got this guy and
the two of them were circling

and they were just fine 'til I
came along.

Jesse, please,
bring me the urinal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ahh... ahh, hurry up,
I'm gonna pee in...

Hurry, Jesse! I'm going to pee.

Okay. There, there you go. Get
it in there. All right.

We actors, we're
like the chewing gum

of the movie industry 'cause we
get chewed up.

And then when
we lose our flavour

they just spit us out like, puh!

(laughing)

Man, that's what happened to me

and my relationship with Lara.
I'm starting to...

she's starting to
lose her flavour for me.

I mean, she says to me
the other night, she goes,

"Jesse, your idea of oral sex is
talking about yourself."

And I'm like, "When did that
happen?

When did that turn start
to happen?"

And she's
looking to me for stability?

Come on, that's like looking to
Lindsey Lohan for

psychoanalysis. That's just not
gonna happen.

(laughing)

But she's into the Mets. Oh, my
God a hot chick's into losers?

That's my kind of girl.
How did I luck into that shit?

And women are like that in
their relationships.

(groaning)

This is a one-man ego trip. He
may not even know that he's

not at all credible in
the part of a real human being.

Oh my God, a real human being?
It's theatre.

If you want to see real
people you go to the park

and watch them all day
long for free.

Let's just not do this.

no, do it.

You don't need this.

Yes, I do. I can take it.

It's good for you?

Yeah. It's like eating
your vegetables.

It feels like it was
written by a team of chimps...

and not the kind that are smart
enough to do sign language.

In fact, throwing... Jesus.

Throwing feces at the
page might--

You know what? Maybe you're
right. Maybe you're right.

This is crap. Unbelievable.

I feel they can destroy you.

All the work you put into it
they can just...

What do you think about
it though?

That's what matters.
What do you think?

Oh my God! What are you not
trying to say?

Well, I thought it was really
enthusiastic.

Enthusiastic?

Enthusiastic. Why don't you just
tell me that

"size doesn't matter".

I just didn't feel like you were
being completely honest.

I'm not being completely honest?

I didn't feel like you were
being completely honest

about yourself or about
me or... you know,

about anything. It just...

You know what it felt like?

It felt like it was being
written from a place of fear.

(heckling)

Uh huh. Okay. I'm writing from a
place of fear. Yeah.

Jesse, you said
that you were thick-skinned.

Yeah. I did, until you
started saying

these horrible things to me.

Oh, God. Come on. I've always
wanted the best for you, right?

I've always said that you're
going to go far.

And you have. Just keep writing.
It's going to be amazing.

When did you get so good at
condescending?

Or is that just an Upper
Westside white girl thing?

(applause)

This is where I started
going wrong. Right up in here.

I don't know. I started to go
wrong. I started to...

to freak out about
the whole thing.

And I don't know
maybe... maybe I was afraid.

Maybe I was afraid that I
couldn't live up to

the fantasy that she had of me.

I mean, whatever it was,

I just didn't want to wreck her
life with my problems.

I just didn't want to be the one
that brought her down, you know.

(Spanish)

Thank you all for coming.

Thank you.

We are so happy that you
could join us

for our Kosher Easter dinner.

Let us say what we
are thankful for.

Jesse:
First of all, they weren't
Jewish. And...

and what were you
doing here? I mean,

it was the last thing that Lara
and I needed.

We should have just
had this dinner over iChat

so we could really write
what we meant.

I'll start.

I... I am so happy that my
little boy has Lara in his life.

And you, Mr. Perry?

Oh, I'm thankful
that we all have our health

and that prosperity seems
within our grasp.

I'm happy (indistinct)
isn't pregnant.

I feel blessed
to be with Jesse's mom.

(giggling) (Spanish)

(Spanish)

And you, Mrs. Perry?

Well, I don't know that

I have anything to be really
thankful for.

My youngest daughter is going to
turn 40.

She turns 40. Makes
it sound like bad milk.

Then she'll be pushing
50 and...

whoa... everything's
slipping away.

Well, it makes you feel kind of
responsible, doesn't it?

Doesn't it, Jesse?

Not me.

It's the strangest thing.

The lowest paid banker in the
city probably makes

as much as any actor.

Oh, you don't
have to worry about me.

I mean, I just got this
e-mail from Nigeria

that the royal
prince is going to put

$10 million in to my account.
So I'm set for life.

Tell me, Jesse, honestly,

what makes you think you can
handle the commitment this time?

Dad!

Are you ready to be a husband
and father?

Okay, okay. Whoa. Hold on. Hold
up, sir. I mean,

who said anything
about being husbanded?

You know, I'm not ready. The
only... only engagement

I got going right now is my
34-city tour in May.

Jesse!

What? What? I'm not giving you
guys complimentary tickets.

If my friends and family can't
pay to see me who's going to?

Excuse me.

♪♪♪

Marriage? I don't... I don't...
I don't

want to be that kind
of guy. I'm not.

I don't want to be that
self-sacrificing--

What... what kind of guy?

The guys that
need to make excuses.

What excuses?

The miserable pieces of shit

that alway have
somebody to blame.

What are you talking about?

The people who say, "Where is my
hat. You owe me a hat.”

I'm not telling you what to do,

I'm just saying do
what you want.

I'm saying to you,
every single assumption

you made tonight wasn't about
me, it was about him.

Think about that.

Ray. Ray, I'm busy right now.

What? What?

Jesse:
Well, that night my Gramps
got his wish

to escape the Lower
Eastside. Unfortunately,

he was moving further uptown
than he had in mind.

My grandfather was the...

he was the only person who ever
really loved me.

I remember he once said to me,
"the goal is to lead a

good Christian
life and to attain heaven."

My God, what a
load of crap that is, huh?

'Cause He's not so perfect
otherwise how

would he have the balls to take
this beautiful man from me.

I mean, that's not
even fair 'cause God is...

God, you know, He could do
whatever He wants

and we just have to like it.

Otherwise, we're the ones that
get damned forever and ever.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Priest:
The Lord is my shepherd.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.

Because you know,
you can talk to me.

It doesn't have to be like this.

Do you remember you said a long
time ago we were too different.

You were right.
You were right about that.

I don't get this...
what this is,

how we're going to end it?

I can't do it. I can't do this.

Priest:
Ye though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death...

Wait, wait, wait. I mean,
what about myself?

Really? Really? "Grandpa was the
only one that ever loved me"?

Let me tell you something. You
remember when I was trying out

for the Little League?

Kept saying I threw like a girl.
So I never tried out

'cause I felt like I sucked.

- You did throw like a girl.
- Thank you for that.

You know why I said that
shit to you?

Because Grampa
does love you more.

Well, he has to
'cause Mom only loves you.

So he had to love me more

otherwise I'd never have
anybody on my side.

You didn't want anybody
on your side.

'Cause we all owe you--

You do owe me.

Well, you keep throwing it in
our faces.

You know why I said that you?
'Cause I wanted you to fail!

♪♪♪

(shouting)

Boys, boys, boys! Jesse!

Just don't hit him in the face!

♪ I get along without
you very well, ♪

♪ Of course I do ♪

♪ Except when soft rains fall ♪

♪ And drip from leaves
then I recall ♪

♪ The thrill of being
sheltered in your arms ♪

♪ Of course I do ♪

♪ But I get along
without you very well ♪

♪ I've forgotten you just
like I should ♪

♪ Of course I have
except to hear your name ♪

Oh... I got a few.

(laughs) Wow.

♪ Or someone's
laugh that is the same ♪

♪ But I've forgotten you ♪

Jesse:
All right. None of us saw that
coming. But...

but it doesn't
matter 'cause I have a plan.

So I'm throwing myself a going
away party. Going away forever.

That's right. Everybody thinks
it's for my tour.

But, no, this is... this
is the big good bye.

I'm going to kill myself
tonight. This is the night.

I'm going to go change into
something a little better.

And you can hear the guests
coming in--

All right, so I'll see you in
the bathroom.

♪♪♪

I'm all danced out.
I'm sorry. Sorry.

She may not be
the hottest girl here

but beauty is only a light
switch away.

Hey, Ray, did you ever feel like
the guy you thought you were

was just a big goddamn lie?

Lately, when I get really horny
I don't even want sex after all.

I just want
somebody to hold me and...

and make me feel like they're
always gonna be there.

Yeah, and I... I know how you
feel man, I know.

(laughing)

Oh, my head. I'm sorry,

bro. You didn't think I was
serious, did you?

What?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Um...

Hi.

Okay, come here. Come here,
before I throw up.

(laughs)

Where?

Just follow me.

Where are we going?

Come on.

♪♪♪

You want children,
I want children.

I'm talking about responsibility
and stability

and maturity in
a relationship and...

(phone rings)

A mature love

that we really deserve--

Jesse (answering machine):
Hey, Lara. I feel like I made a
huge mistake.

And I was wrong
and I'd like to see you.

Can you please video chat with
me. Can you sign on?

I need to talk to you.

I'm just feeling kind
of... I don't know,

I feel stupid...

I made a huge mistake pushing
you away--

Don't answer that, please.

This could be the last chance we
have to talk. Please.

I know, it's the last voice
you want to hear,

but I really need to see you.

I beg you, please.

I think I should go.

Are you serious?

I should probably... well

Really!?

Well, you heard what he said.

Can we just... can we hold,
like, one minute?

What?

Lara. Look, ah, you look
so great.

Oh my God.

Look, hey, I made a terrible
mistake.

I just want you to know,

I made the dumbest mistake of my
entire life.

Now is not a good time, Jesse.

Mind your business, okay,
Jeffrey. Stay out of it.

We're kind of in the middle of
something, Jesse.

I can't live without you.

I don't want to live my life if
I can't have you.

I know it sounds like a song.

I need you so desperately,
please Lara.

Please come back to me.
Will you take me back?

I pushed you away because well,

I wanted you to be happy with
him. But I changed my mind.

I rather...
I'm not that kind of a guy.

I'd rather you be miserable and
be with me than be with him.

(sighs)

Look, Jesse
I can't do this.

I need to be in a grown-up
relationship, okay?

I know you need a grown-up.
I'm ready for that.

I'm a stupid, childish,
idiotic man. But I love you.

Doesn't that mean anything
to you, Lara?

How can I forget
the best times of my life,

the best one in my entire life?

You dumped me!
Okay? You dumped me, right?

Look, I know I was stupid.
I was an idiot.

I made some horrible
mistakes. I pushed you away.

I was horrible to you.

But I know... I know.
I need you, Lara.

I need you in my life.

You had your chance
and you blew it.

No, don't say that, Lara.
Don't say no. Don't say no.

Give it... give it a shot.

And you don't
know what you're saying.

It's a blatant attempt for
attention. Can't you see that?

You think this is a ploy for
attention, Jeffrey?

Yes.

Jeffrey, goddamn you.

It's okay.

He's unstable right now. Just
give me one minute, okay?

Is that a dog leash?

I'm ready.

What is this?

It's like a bad reality show.

Get down.

If you go with Jeffrey, look,
I'm gonna jump, Lara.

I'm gonna end it all.
You see that?

I'm serious. Get down.

Hey, mind your business.

Jesse!

Gah!

♪♪♪

Huh? Oh. Oh.

I died for your sins. You know
it. You owe me.

Why can't we all love
each other.

Welcome to the last
circle of hell

for those who
quit the game of life.

Mr. Satan, I didn't really mean
to quit the game of life.

I just thought
I'd do her a favour.

Shut up!
Your death lacked conviction.

(laughing)

♪♪♪

Uh? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

♪♪♪

Huh?

What the hell are you
doing, Jesse?

I know, I was
thinking the same thing.

Listen, I know, life is
a bunch of crap.

And, yes,
relationships are difficult.

But you can't avoid them, Jesse.

I know you're very much in love
with that girl.

I mean, I don't blame you. But
whether you deserve her or not,

who gives a shit?

Just get hold of her
and don't let go.

But, Gramps, it's too late.
I broke my promise.

I can't be her
deathbed test now.

That's enough! Okay. Don't screw
up again, coño .

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Oh my... my God.

Jesse, are...
are you okay? Jesse?

He's not that good an actor.

Somebody call 911! Jesus!

Taxi. I need a taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Avenue D and Seventh.

Ray, go and take a piss.

You say something?

Go and take a piss!

Move. Move. Move. Move.

♪♪♪

No!

Wake up. Please wake up. Please
wake up, bro.

You're all I got, bro.

Hit him again. Hit him again.

Anything?

Nothing.

What have you got?

Nothing.

Can you go a little faster?

... Twenty eight, twenty nine,
thirty. Hit him.

Take his pulse.

Nothing.

All right one more time.
Here we go.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Here. Here.

Where's Jesse!?

Whoa. There we go. There we go.

Come on. Come on.

Ray! I... I gotta get to Lara. I
gotta... gotta get Lara.

No, you gotta...
you gotta relax, bro.

I'm gonna make
it up to you, man.

I'm gonna make everything
up to you.

Lara:
Jesse!

You asshole!

Lara, I'm so glad to see you.
You're my deathbed test.

I saw myself, Lara.

Shh. It's okay.

I saw my Gramps and he
was un-real too.

And then I met Satan.
Oh, my god,

it was terrifying. And then...

♪♪♪

Jesse:
You know, it's like
James Joyce once said,

"Mistakes are portals
of discovery".

What I learned from my giant
wormhole size mistake,

all of these fucked up moments
added together are my life

and I better milk as much
happiness from them as I can.

I know nothing completes me.

I know I'm going to be imperfect
'til the day I die,

but I'm okay with that.

Now, if I can get Lara on that
same program,

if we both know
that in this relationship

our bread is going to fall on
the buttered side,

that we're going to spill wine
on our nicest, whitest suits

that someday we're going to step
on dog shit,

in this relationship,

then we're golden.

Then we're gonna be fine.

Then we're gonna get through
this and so will you.

♪♪♪

(moaning)

Lara:
(sneeze)

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Jesse:
I'm sorry. I can explain
everything. Here.

Lara:
Uh, I was just
looking for my wallet.

Jesse:
She was looking for her wallet.

♪♪♪

Male Vocalist:
♪ Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪ Beautiful Lara ♪

♪ Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ All I do is say your name ♪

♪ Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪ Lara, Lara Lara ♪

♪ Wonderful Lara, Lara Lara ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ You have set my heart aflame ♪

♪ Oh, Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪ Maybe it's much more
than a name to me ♪

♪ Tells the story
of how you came to me ♪

♪ All I do is say your name ♪

♪ Oh, Lara, oh Lara ♪

♪ Oh Lara! ♪

♪ Lara, Lara Lara ♪

♪ Lara, Lara, Lara ♪

♪♪♪