Fuck You Immortality (2019) - full transcript

¶¶¶

¶ Maybe ¶

¶ You'll think of me ¶

¶ When you are all alone ¶

¶ Maybe the one
Who is waiting for you ¶

¶ Will prove untrue ¶

¶ Then what will you do? ¶

¶ Maybe ¶

¶ You'll sit and sigh ¶

¶ Wishing that I were- ¶

Now really pay attention.



Joe!

Joe! Are you alright?

It was the summer
of 1976, right?

I have only a few vivid memories from that
time because we used to be high all day long.

Let's just say they're going from shrooms to other psychotropics.

It had been a peculiar summer.

Long story short,
one night we met Joe.

And that night we joined
our bodies with that of Joe.

It was a mystical experience.

You see more smiley then.

But he was surrounded by a halo of sadness that is hard to forget.

True.

He always seemed to be
preoccupied about something.

Oh, remember that magic trick he did where he swallowed a razorblade?



It was bloody and gory as hell.

But afterwards he
was absolutely fine.

That was sweet.

Oh, yeah.

That's how we could afford LSD.

A few months later he left the commune
we were in and never came back.

Gone, vanished
without a trace until-

Just a sec.

- Where the hell have I put that?
- Darling, darling, darling.

Ah, thank you.

We saw this two years ago.

He hadn't aged a day.

Or at least that's what
he seemed like.

Maybe that wasn't him.

But we had to find out.

So we packed
and traveled to Jaeger,

a small village that,
apparently, wasn't even on maps.

We should almost be there.

Well, I-- I-- I am quite
positive we're lost.

- Did you take a right turn here?
- I did turn right.

You always have trouble telling
your right from your left.

This is my right.

You'll never learn to tell
the difference, darling.

There's someone there.
We should ask her.

Hey! Hey! We're trying to
get to a town called Jaeger.

- Could you give us directions?
- Get lost, you fucking hippies.

We don't need your flower power bullshit here because we've got guns.

- What's wrong with him?
- Come on, let's get on the van and turn back.

I can't turn around here,
we have to go forward.

Whatever.

We're going, we're going,
just put the gun away.

Stay down, I don't want
anything to happen to you.

I still get the chills
thinking of that day.

Luckily, I was there.

- Why did he have to be so mean to us?
- Shh.

Hush, hush.

It's alright.

We've never hurt anyone.

- And this guy tried to kill us without even knowing us.
- I know, I know.

He just had a
hotheaded attitude.

Alright? Come on. Come on.

Good boy.

Come on, it's alright.

We finally
arrived in Jaeger.

It wasn't easy but we made it.

I'm so excited my
palms are sweaty.

Let's go and see.

Hmm, yeah.

You, you, you, you, you're from the TV company,
am I right or am I right? Yeah.

No, I mean not really.

- Well, are you or aren't you?
- We're filming a documentary.

- On hunting, yeah?
- Well--

You've come to the right place.

To be honest, we're vegan.

I don't give a damn
where you come from.

Look at this.

I caught it myself
with my bare hands,

my teeth

and me foot.

We must free it.

Can't you tell it's
dead as a dodo?

Say something, he scares
the shit out of me.

Could we possibly ask
you something privately?

I was wondering when
you'd get around to it.

And you can ask me
and I'll answer you now.

Yes.

You are in the presence

of the greatest hunter
known to mankind.

How do you think I got this?
Skill, wilds, knowledge of the animal.

I have to think like the fish.

Before I go fishing, I smear my face in fish scales,
I rub my groin with the insides of fish,

I lick their eyes to
become one with the fish.

Do you like licking eyes?

You may find it
very interesting.

We got to eat it tonight, a barbecue with a little Chianti maybe,
and you two are invited.

You could stay at my place.

It's only got one bedroom but I'm sure
we can come to some arrangements.

You're probably
wondering about scar.

A bear done that to me
before I kicked his ass.

I don't mean that as
a manner of speaking.

I mean that, literally,
I kicked that bear's ass.

I was there, blood pouring down me face,
the bear on top of me and I thought no,

you're not gonna kill me
today, you son of a bitch.

So I remembered an ancient hunter's legend wherein it's written

on whatever hunters write it on

that the most vulnerable part of a bear when it's angry is its anus.

So I kicked it right up the rusty bullet hole,
I kicked and I kicked and I kicked.

And its little brown starfish
went from that to that.

It could have shattered bowling ball
and it wouldn't have touched the sides.

Instead, its guts fell out
and it dropped down dead.

I know what you're thinking.

And in answer to your next question, yes,
I did keep the boot.

Since that day all my close friends have called me Bear Raper.

So that was when you lost your arm?
- No.

That was a misses.

She chopped it off when she
found me sticking my--

my dick in a pig.

But it's not what
it sounds like.

It was completely-- I can tell you that story, too,
if you like, yeah.

To tell you the truth, we need
to ask you about someone.

Oh, yeah, Joe.

- Jim?
- Joe.

- Joe.
- Jeff, Jeff, Joe. Yeah, Joe.

Yeah, he was a
close friend of mine.

He used to call me
Bear Raper as well.

- Yeah.
- Did he?

Yeah, 'cause my close friends do like-- I think
we're gonna be real close friends, you know.

I hope so. I hope so.

Yeah, Joe, I am real close.

- You're a big man, aren't ya? Are you-
- Well, some say.

- You big like everywhere?
- Of course.

Alright. You know,
it all matches, does it?

A normal human being would get
lost in these woods but not me.

I never get lost.

I am a hunting god.

This is the only picture
we have of him.

Poor sod.

- What happened?
- Boar.

Two years ago.

- Oh, poor thing.
- Not really.

If it'd been me, I would have
killed the boar and eaten it.

But him, gored him to pieces,
ripped him to shreds,

a hand over there,
a foot over there,

penis down there, small,
that's how we knew it was him.

The boot

that went off the bear's rear.

This is a sacred place.

The hunters come here before they go out to get luck for the day.

I'm not really a fan of a hunt.

Everybody likes hunting.

- But--
- Darling.

Shh! This is a sacred place.

You've seen the boots,
you've met the man and now you must go home to your city friends

and tell them that today

has been the best
day of your life.

Godspeed.

Godspeed.

- Now what the heck are you doing?
- Shh. Shh.

This is a sacred moment.

Besides, it might have the
answers we're looking for.

The boot did talk to me,
told me some interesting stuff, but nothing about Joe.

We'd lost hope.

But before leaving for Jaeger,
we put our website online called DoYouKnowJoe.

And when we got back,
we're amazed at all the baffling responses we got.

What? Oh, this?
This is baba ghanoush.

"Dear Tony and Kacy,
Joe served our country with my grandfather."

Or this one.

"I remember that man.

He won Pac-Man World
Championship in 1984."

We had dozens of them

and it seems as though
Joe hadn't aged a day.

Tony was never into technology
until he discovered porn.

That's not true.

I've always been fond of technology in spite of our lifestyle.

It's a way of keeping
in touch with the world,

a connection through the ether with all of the planet's energies.

Out of all the emails
we had received,

there was an extraordinary one from a lady in Wisconsin.

She wrote us,
"There's a picture hanging in the house of my great-grandmother

that portrays that man."

Wow.

- How old was Joe?
- What is Joe?

For sure he was no vampire.

Vampires don't walk around
in the daylight, but Joe did.

Besides, I met a vampire once and I can
assure you he had nothing to do with Joe.

He even bit me.

The mark should still
be here in my neck.

The scar's visible?
Scary, right?

Of all the pictures we had of Joe,
there was some sadness in his eyes.

It felt like he was
always worried about something,

something that he wouldn't
or couldn't tell anyone.

Did he really die in Jaeger?

Oh, but it doesn't end there.

Someone called Pogo writes, "I
own a video with that man in it.

But if you want to see it,
you must come to me."

I suppose this is it.

I guess so.

Knock three times, then once,
then three times then say,

"Yeah, yeah Cthulhu
fhtagn!" Okay.

Yeah, yeah, Cthulhu fhtagn.

Is anyone Pogo?

This is the one.

Pogo, it's us.

- Can you open the door?
- Instructions!

Yeah, yeah, Cthulhu fhtaegn.

It's fhtagn.

- Jesus Christ.
- Come on, get going. Come on.

Fehtagn.

Fhtagn.

Do you want to open the
goddamn door or what?

You've been
given clear instructions.

Yeah, yeah, Cthulhu fhtagn.

Come in.

So, looking for this elusive man called Joe?
Does he owe you money?

- Did he do you wrong?
- Plain curiosity.

You disappoint me, Tony.

- Do you want some?
- We're vegan.

Oh.

So, basically, you
eat nothing at all.

Exactly.
We live off fresh air.

Cool.

I had no idea such a high
level of veganism existed.

We don't really live off air.

- Would you be so kind as to show us the video?
- Absolutely.

It's already in the machine.

Wrong remote.

Now really pay attention.

Joe!

Joe! Are you alright?

Thanks God.

Don't worry sweetheart,
I'm perfectly fine.

It's absolutely incredible.

That was freak-tastic!
Amazing! I'm speechless!

Tape had been sold to me completely
anonymously by this extremely weird guy.

They use one of those voice-changer tools.
You know what I'm talking about?

Anyway, I didn't ask myself
too many questions about it.

I have to deal with people
like that all the time.

Well, you know, a
tape about a year ago.

Joe gave the tape to him.

The man who sold him
the tape was Joe.

No doubt.

Joe couldn't have died two
years ago. Killed by a boar?

Joe is still alive or better
yet, he just can't die.

Eternal life.

Oh!

A-ha!

- Oh!
- Hey!

It was there, your point.

Emails were piling up.

They were all claiming
to have met Joe.

But nobody knew where he was.

You know, my wife and I
love to keep in shape.

Just give me a sec
to catch my breath.

Then we got this.

They wrote, "I just love what
you're doing." How sweet.

Apparently, Joe was a stuntman
and a very good one, too.

No way it was out.

- It was out?
- Yeah, yeah.

- You sure? You're not cheating?
- No, no.

From 1984 to 1999, he took
part in twenty-two films.

No, no, don't worry,
I can handle this.

I like the contact
with plastic.

I'll be fine.

All of which were directed by the same person,
someone called Ronald Goodman.

Every day we are one
step closer to Joe.

More water, please.

We can only hope that this
Ronald Goodman was still alive.

We found out that this is Mr.
Goodman's favorite restaurant.

He's been coming here
for over 25 years.

Good evening, my
fucking cooking slaves!

Who are these shit bags daring
to sit at my table? Cynthia!

Please join us, if you will.

Cynthia! Where the hell
is everyone in this place?

I wouldn't share my table
with some hippie fucks.

I'd take a shit over
your precious flowers.

And what are the cameras for?
Are you shooting some shitty cooking show?

He doesn't seem
like a very nice man.

We would like some information about one of your best stuntmen, Joe,

Fearless Joe as
you used to call him.

Oh, for the love of Satan,
why didn't you say so in the first place?

Cynthia!

I'm so sorry, Sir,
I was in the restroom.

I-- I didn't hear
you coming in.

- Did you wash your hands, you cruddy girl?
- Excuse me?

I really hope you didn't.

- Will you have the usual?
- Yeah. Sitting with these hippie cunts.

Let me eat.

I'll tell you whatever
it is you want to know.

Joe was here with him, darling.

Joe was fucking incredible,
the most ballsy stuntman I ever worked with.

He used to jump off tall
buildings without protection,

explosions like no big problem.

He used to crash cars
without a seatbelt.

Not even a scratch.

You could not even bruise
that motherfucker.

Oh, I remember a time it looked like he'd
broken his neck falling from a crane.

It was when we were making my
masterpiece, Police Vs Cop. Ha!

That scene had a car chase
across two crane booms.

Yeah, naturally, it didn't work.

Joe fell from the car window, bam!
He hits the ground, a gory mess.

He's being declared
dead for five minutes.

And then, like after some sort of fucking macumba rite,
he stands up

and he says, "Can we
do one more take?"

Can we do one
more fucking take?

Can you imagine the
size of the balls on that man?

Fucking nut job.

Made me very rich though.

Mr. Goodman acts in good faith,
he's a bit gruff but he always buys me nice gifts.

An Asian girl?

Oh, yes, of course, of course!
Good-looking rice eater that one.

Joe met her on the set of my seminal masterpiece,
Ultra Ninja Revolution.

¶¶¶

Notice clan, I will
have my revenge.

I don't think so.

Damn.

That frog scene is
one of my favorites.

Truly epic.

But you know what was
a blast? The final scene.

Fucking awesome.

I love you, Golden Swallow.

Me, too.

"Me too," and zack! She
stabbed that motherfucker.

Her name?

You expect me to remember the name of some rice shitting slut?

Look it up on the internet,
you old fossil hippie.

Kelly Chen.

I have an amazing wife.

Excuse me, I think
I need to take a shit.

Cynthia!

That night at the restaurant,
KC was feeling particularly inspired.

Inspired, yes,

to write a song.

Song about--

song about Joe.

So beautiful.

So beautiful.

I will leave everyone...

Terrific! I fucking
love that woman.

Let's do it again.

- Okay.
- Come on. Come on. I'll start. Let's start.

If you think
about it, it's insane.

I mean how many lives could Joe have
lived and how many times did he die?

But most of all,
why is it that every time he covers his tracks? I mean

if I couldn't die,
I would want to share it with everybody.

You know, maybe it could help
them saving someone's life.

Oh, look.

Explosion Fest.

"The one and only festival
of cinema exploitation."

This sounds like fun.

Come on.

So Tony
and Kacy, thanks.

You really watched this crap?

You don't seem like the types.

Anyway, that will
be ten pounds.

To be honest, we came
here to ask you about Joe.

I've been obviously
engaged with Joe for two years.

We started heading
our way before.

We couldn't go on public
because I was underage.

He was my first true love.

I will never forget him.
After we shot the video, everything changed.

He was sweet, always nice to
me, such a kind-hearted person.

After that video I just could not see him as the same way as before.

I've had nightmares for years.

I will be in therapy.

Sometimes I still suddenly wake up in the
middle of night with the word ringing in my ears.

"I'm perfectly fine,
sweetheart."

"Nothing's fine.

For Christ's sake you-- you can't shoot
your own face and then get up like this

as nothing ever happened."

No.

He is so, so, so sensitive.

That's why I love him.

I wasn't happy
anymore and then he left.

Joe knew.

But the truth

I still want to be with him.

This is the first connection
with him since long time.

We were at a loss.

All of the pictures,
the contacts,

anyone that had anything to do with Joe all turned out to be a dead end.

Pass me that.

We thought long and hard.

What we were about
to do was not right.

But we had to know.

At that point we realized
that Joe was more important

than anything else
we were involved in.

Oh yeah,

emails were decreasing
and we were at a dead end.

Darling, you already said that.

Right.

So we went back to Pogo and had him
make a copy of Joe's video to put it online.

But when we got back,

we found this in the letterbox.

Challenge accepted.

Come on, let's show these
youngins how to play.

Yeah, yeah.

What's that?
Little ducky is lost in the bubbles at the end of the bath.

We can save him.

Little ducky saved once more.

"Dear Tony and Kacy, I get your curiosity about
me but all the media hype you're drawing to me

is making my life impossible.

I beg you to stop it now.

Yours truly, Joe."

Oops.

He just signed himself as Joe.

He knew there was no
need to add anything else.

He was Joe.

And the one thing he would never have given up was his name.

We didn't realize it right away
but we had created a case.

One of the most renowned movie websites
had dedicated its entire homepage to him.

I went to check out their latest trailers and there he was,
Joe in all his glory.

And it was written in big
- HE'S STILL ALIVE!

We made such a mess,
but we didn't mean to.

And all because of
that foolish curiosity.

We are foolish, foolish people.

We'd almost intend to give it all up,
leave Joe alone, him and his enviable immortal life.

But we had started a chain reaction which
swamped us worse than a tsunami.

Nature's force.

The police are on Joe's tracks.

I suspected the CIA,
FBI or some other agency we didn't know the name of was involved.

When was the last time you
saw Mr. Joseph Jonathan Johnson?

I already told you.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

What do you want from me?
I was preparing guacamole.

The avocados will go brown
if you don't let me go home.

Perhaps you want a lawyer.

I don't trust the establishment.

Besides, I've nothing I
need to defend myself from.

And then he took out
a picture of Joe.

- Why are you looking for Joe?
- So you do know him.

You know that since making false statements,
I could arrest you for obstructing justice.

- Actually I--
- You're hiding him, right?

Look, I'm not hiding
anything or anyone.

You dragged me here in my pajamas and I didn't even had breakfast yet.

And I have a meditation
class at nine.

If you don't mind, I mean.

I have nothing
to say about Joe.

May I ask what did he do?

He disappeared, as
you may have noticed.

What I can say is that there is this really bad B-movies production

which still has him
under contract.

Are you really sure you have
nothing to tell us about Joe?

For instance, this
website of yours, right?

Well, I have nothing
more to say.

Go on, arrest me if you want
but I'm keeping my mouth shut.

You are not being detained.

Let me remind you that you
came here of your own free will

in your pajamas right
after our phone call.

There is the door. You can
leave whenever you want.

It was a reenactment.

We couldn't film inside,
so reenactment.

In the meantime-

¶¶¶

The whole world was
going crazy for Joe.

Ladies, who wants my big
gun tonight? Boom, boom!

Hello.

Boom. Boom. Boom!

Oh.

Fuck!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Ow, ow, cramp, cramp.

You haven't seen it yet, right?

- Ouch, easy! Easy!
- Alright, that's okay.

Of course, you haven't
seen it. We'll show you.

Could that be Joe?

I'm fine. I'm fine.
Thanks, darling.

But, you know, I--
I got positive vibes,

vibes that could
come only from Joe.

And my wife is never wrong.

They think they're so clever.

But you can't fool an old paranoid conspiracy theorist like me.

It's been parked there since I
was interrogated by the police.

But now I'll take care of it.

It's our
neighbors, darling.

He parks it there every night.

I don't buy it.

Nevertheless, we had
to do something for Joe.

We could head to Jaeger.

He was too smart for that.

What we needed
was some bait to--

Kacy, dear, were you
expecting anyone?

Please don't tell me
it's the Smiths

because I really don't think my karma could handle them right now.

That woman always
complaining about everybody,

making those faces like "I'm so much better than them."

Actually, I am not
expecting anyone and--

--the Smiths,
they moved to Provence at least five years ago.

Oh, fuck, we are going to die.

Tell Kacy I love her.

Sweetheart, don't come in here.

So? This is how you
welcome an old friend?

A little longer.

Just a bit more.

Ah, Joe.

Those sad eyes.

You remember this one?

Or this? How could you
forget Police Vs Cop?

Fantastic.

Ah!

And he's my favorite of all.

Hi-ya!

It's good.

Oh, this, this is incredible.

I didn't even know
all this stuff existed.

Cool.

So much sadness.

I had to do something.

What are you doing?

Those times are over.

No, no, it's not
what you're thinking.

But if you look
at me like that-

I said no.

Place your palms against mine.

I'll transfer you
some positive energy.

I can do without.

I'm loaded.

I'm so loaded I could explode.

He's tripping on shrooms.

He took some today to get some painting done in the early morning

and the effects
haven't worn off yet.

He calls it creative boost.

Can you feel it, Joe?
Is it coming?

- Honestly, I--
- It's too soon, Joe, but it will come.

Place your forehead
against mine.

There, now you should feel it.

You know what?
I'm tired, really tired.

It's you.

It's your portrait.

I did it with my body.

The interview.

What I was trying to say is that living for over two hundred years is crap.

I'm sick of it, bored.

I don't know what
happiness is anymore.

I had to switch identities so many times
because people start asking questions.

So what would you say to them?
"Hey, you know I'm fucking immortal?"

He admitted it.

He really was immortal.

And also I cannot stand to see others die
while I don't change a single fucking second.

I tried to hang myself, beheading, hara-kiri, electrocution.

I've filmed every
single attempt.

I wouldn't recommend
electrocution, by the way.

It melts your eyes.

All the vitreous
humor comes out.

It looks like egg white.

Nothing works.

I'm still here.

We will help you out.

And Joe smiled.

A smile that warmed my heart.

¶¶¶

Nothing. Nothing works.

Uh, you-- you have something.

- Where?
- Let me.

Vegan sausages.

Do you want some?

After all that activity,
I am super starving.

We had to do something for
poor Joe as soon as possible.

Something inside
me was burning;

an idea that was slowly getting clear and that could do the trick.

Yes, absolutely starving.

You motherfucking son
of a white trash bitch.

I-- I called her.

Didn't expect such a reaction.

She always had her own
way of showing love to me.

Things seem to have
quieted down.

Look over my shoulder.

Leave them alone.

But this is good stuff.

One last karaoke, please?

I'd love to sing.

And she's very good at it.

So it's a yes?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's okay.

It's okay.

¶¶¶

This is good, man.

I know.

Kacy and I grow it ourselves.

Only farm-to-table
goods with us.

- How fucked up.
- Mm-hm.

Are you still able
to read palms?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Come on, surely
you must remember.

You're stoned.
I don't need to piss.

Oh, Anwa used to read palms.

That's--

That's-- oh my!

- What?
- That's the solution I was trying to remember.

Anwa.

Okay, no idea what
you're talking about.

Anwa.

Anwa was one of Tony's
first love interests.

She was fifteen and taught
him all about love.

Those black eyes, dark as night.

I'll never forget them.

Anwa is a shaman.

According to Tony,
she is one of the most powerful shamans he's ever met.

One time she bought
a dead cat back to life

and he was angry as fuck
and we had to kill him.

She removed a cast from Tony.

For some time he was
convinced that he was damned

because every time we attempted to make love,
suddenly he couldn't get it up.

"It's that witch that lives
across the street," he said,

"She did it because
I refused to get dressed

because I was painting
with my body in the garden."

That's it.

I'm done. We can
leave if you want.

Give me a second.

Can you feel this breeze?

It's Mother Gaia caressing us.

Wonderful.

This must be the place.

Tony loves paying
surprise visits.

I admit I'm a little excited.

Hello.

Why did you come? It's you.

- Yes.
- It's you.

Yes.

It's you.

Oh, finally, you find me.

I've been waiting ten years.

But finally you find me,
the mighty Perro Callejero.

Perro...

Okay, okay, you can
stop hugging me, huh?

Okay.

- Is Anwa at home?
- Who?

Anwa, the greatest
shaman of all time.

Wait, you tell me you're not here for the interview with the mighty,

only one and only
Perro Callejero?

- What interview?
- I think this is going to take longer than we expected.

Make yourself comfortable.

Yeah, I want to see
where this is going.

Well, actually-

You still can't say no, right?
- You bet.

Yes, yes.

The interview with me.

Okay, I wait ten years for the interview to
happen with the mighty Perro Callejero.

- Enough. Do you want to see my signature move?
- Yes.

- Please.
- Hey man, we must have come to the wrong house.

Sorry. We're leaving.

No.

No, no, please, don't leave.

Please.

I no see nobody for ten years.

It's you I dream.

Please.

Please stay.

Hello, greetings, my fans.

You know maybe
many of you wonder

what happened
to Perro Callejero.

Shut up.

Perro Callejero, and my
manager and I, we say-

he say maybe you team up,
maybe it's time to disappear.

So we wanted to stage
a little disappearing act.

We go away for ten years.

And I come to here,

and I hide and I disappear
and I come back to the nature,

back to Pollo Loco,
back to where Perro Callejero come from,

because I need to come and
relax and come time for me.

My manager say don't worry,
they come to find you.

And finally you found me.

Finally you find me.

But now I come back.

And I got a message
for Calabron.

Calabron, remember me?
Remember my face, Calabron?

Remember that time
when I take your face

and I smash you into? And I
do the last move I ever made.

I come back,

but not without you.

Thank you. And this is my story.

Totally worth it.

Come on fellas, we
should get moving.

We have a shaman to find.

- Fellas?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, don't go.

I want one match
with any one of you.

- Whatever you want, El Perro Callejero.
- No, no, no.

You.

- Why? Why did you do that?
- I-- I-- I don't know.

Is he okay?

Perro.

Perro.

We'd better go. Now.

Yes, I'd like to speak with
Madam Bones if it's possible.

That's her stage name.

What do you mean she's dead?

I see.

And I'd like to speak
with Miss Blackheart then.

Could you repeat that
please? Yes, yes. Okay.

Thanks for stopping.

I need a moment.

Send your positive
energy to her in the sky.

Anwa, can you hear us?

This is for you, sweet Anwa.

These last days
have been intense.

These two deserve to be immortal

and to spend together
every fucking day

for all eternity.

Look what happened.

That guy was as hard as a rock.

What? Anwa?

Poor, poor thing.

Today I lost a
piece of my heart.

But I look ahead to the future and I see that there's hope for Joe.

And this comforts me.

I'm not the climber I once was.

We are almost here at Miss Blackheart's farm,
Anwa 's daughter.

Apparently, she became a shaman just as good as her mother.

Jasmine.

Jasmine.

Dad!

Oh my.

What did she say again?

I knew you'd come back one day.

Anwa became pregnant with
Jasmine just before I met Kacy.

I was in love with a lot
of women at that time.

But Kacy, she stole
my heart right away.

That girl had a lot to tell us.

Anwa didn't tell me she was pregnant because
she could see how strong my love for Kacy was.

Now I'm a father.

He's not crying again, right?

So this, in broad
terms, is Joe's story.

It's a complicated situation.

- I'm not sure if I can--
- Don't worry, sweetheart.

I know you can make it.

I can try.

Well, we have already
tried everything.

One more try won't kill anyone.

It's a complex ritual.

It requires significant
groundwork.

I have all the time
in the world.

- What does this ritual consist of?
- It's a transfer ritual.

So we transfer his immortality
to another spirit.

And what about the spirit to whom you transfer his immortality?

It doesn't matter
once they welcome it.

Don't look at me,
I don't want it for sure.

I've never had a fight
with Kacy, never.

This was the first time.

We both wanted to be immortal without giving
consideration to the feelings of the other.

I feel so guilty about telling
those horrendous things to Tony.

Thirst for power
drives you blind.

In the end we went for
an impartial decision.

Stop, stop!

You've been bickering
for four fucking hours!

Immortality is mine.

So we do as I say.

Now come here
and grab one each.

The one who gets the longest will have this fucking damnation.

Now shut it up!

I can hardly hear myself think.

I won!

The Devil's Rock is there.

It's a very ancient
and complex ritual.

It consists of four
stages in total.

The first three are preliminary,
the fourth one closes the circle.

The first one is a simple
cleansing process.

Whatever happens,
you mustn't interfere with the ritual or it won't work.

Do you understand?

My heart is pounding.

I'm going to be immortal.

I still can't believe it.

It will work.

This time it will.

This is a purified stone.

It helps to get rid of all the impurities you've come across on your path.

You rub it on your left
hand until completely red.

I just wanted to hold Kacy
tight and caress her.

She was really suffering.

And all because she
wanted to help Joe.

Such a good soul.

Step two,
now on your knees,

put your hands on the rock and
don't move for any reason.

I'll see you in twelve hours.

You've got to let their spirits mix with the
magical energy as it emanates from the stone

until they become one.

It takes time to achieve this.

Don't relax too much.

Are you sure you haven't
taken your hand off the rock?

- Two hundred percent.
- Absolutely.

Step three.

Listen to me very carefully.

For this phase you need to have complete sexual intercourse.

It wasn't necessary at all.

I hate that manipulative bitch.

Take that for everything
you put my mother through.

Don't worry, babe, do it.

Wouldn't be the first time.

We don't need to shoot this.

Step four.
With this stone you have to work your way to Joe's heart,

then grab it with your
bare hands and devour it.

Eat it!

Eat the fucking heart.

Don't puke.

I can't.

- Eat it!
- I can't.

I'm vegan.

Eat it!

Eat the fucking heart. Eat it!

Don't puke or you'll ruin
everything we've worked for.

Eat it!

Eat us!

Good job.

You're now an immortal.

That's it.

I'm no longer immortal.

And I'm gonna
prove it to you now.

This is my last message to the world,
and all I want to say to you before I go is

thank you.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

For the first time in ages, literally,
in ages, I'm scared to die.

This is awesome.

Unbelievable.

I've been through all the struggle and now I don't want to die anymore.

If Joe no longer wants to die,

then

it means I-

I've made up my mind.

I want to die of old age,
or at least I'll let nature follow its course.

Maybe I'll call back to Kelly on my hands and knees,
take her out to dinner

and to the karaoke where we will sing all
night long and we will age together finally.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It's an awesome feeling.

One way or other, we had to
check if the ritual had worked.

I hope it worked.

I asked Joe to stay a few more days until we
had verified the effectiveness of the ritual.

I also needed some moral support to cut my wife into pieces.

So, let's go with
the first test.

Ready?

No, no, no, please,
stop, stop, stop.

Maybe we could start from,
I don't know, a finger?

Your call. I'm just
the executioner.

Joe, could you give
me a hand with this?

Now don't move because I must be surgically precise.

Ready?

Oops.

Joe, get me something.

I might have cut
her a little too high.

What a couple of fuckers.

Stop.

We shouldn't. We shouldn't.

Thanks.

How long should it
take to grow back?

Oh, I don't think
this is how it works.

I guess she has to die
before she can regenerate.

Ah.

I have an idea.

Kacy.

This reminds me
of when we first met.

Tony, focus.

Right.

Kacy, listen to me.

It doesn't work like this.

You have to die before
you can regenerate.

Good.

But choose carefully how you want to die because this is your first time

and it has to be special.

Very good observation.
Do you want a puff?

What?

Tony...

You are going to have to speak louder
because I'm having trouble hearing you.

I think she is--

What's the time?

Ah, it's 9:45 in the morning.

Cause of death, natural causes.

Dear Kacy, look at you.

This is her first death.

I'm so excited.

Joe.

- How long should it take?
- Well, how long has it been?

I lost my sense of time
a long time ago.

Kacy?

Kacy.

Oh God, please don't--
Wake the fuck up, Kacy.

Kacy!

Please, please, no.

Kacy.

It's not your fault, man.

No.

Kacy.

Kacy.

I'm sorry.

Police! Open the door, sir.

Fuck you, immortality.

¶¶¶

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