From Rags to Reuben (2011) - full transcript

- [Voiceover] It's a thin
line that exists between

enjoying a romantic candlelit
dinner with a woman you love

and getting your head
smashed in with a broken

whiskey bottle by her husband.

I've lived my life on this
line for 15 years now.

It wasn't always that way though.

Sure I was a National Merit Scholar,

lauded member of the Honor Society,

and somewhat of a ladies' man.

I was born with the right stuff,

hardy Irish stock on my father's side



and the passionate Italian blood

of a trained killer on my mother's.

I'm the last of a dying
breed of men though,

men who had it and let it go

back into the ocean just to see

if they could catch it again.

That's why I decided to
slow things down a bit,

pursue better health and nutrition.

I've been eating better, sleeping better,

and I've never felt better.

So pay no attention to
those insidious rumors

started by Marcus Drummond about

some mental meltdown I suffered.

They're simply not true.



(acoustic guitar plays)

(soft rumba music)

- Scouring the want ads, eh, Gordo?

Not satisfied with your
bartending position here?

- No, it's just that I'm trying to, um,

broaden my horizons.

New experiences.

- Well, good luck, my friend.

- Thanks Ruben, you know,

I haven't seen you so merry in some time.

- Big date tonight.

Stephanie.

- Stefania?

But she doesn't even know you exist.

- Ning.

- At your service, Captain.

- To the contrary, Ning,
she very well knows I exist.

- That's right, Ning,

although you'd be a lot
better off if she didn't.

- I can't imagine why
that would be the case.

I mean look at this chiseled physique.

- Impressive.

So how did you get her to agree on a date?

- It's not so much of a
date as it is my knowing

where she's going to be tonight.

- Here's one to fuel your fire.

I call this one

Jean Bonet.

- Thanks for the concern ol' friend,

but I'm going for a 20-mile run.

Come party time

my body will be toned,
my mind'll be sharp,

and I'm gonna be so primed for love,

I'm gonna strum fuckin' Arpeggios

on this girl's heart strings.

- Good plan.

- Ruben, that's extremely dangerous.

I feel I should chaperone you.

- Not today, Ning.

My methods are time-tested

and this tiger roams solo.

♫ Gimme love like ya
really, really mean it

♫ Let's do away with the ol' touch-and-go

♫ I wasn't lookin' for
this dream to believe in

♫ But now it's here, so where do we go

♫ And you should know that
your heart is deservin'

♫ I brought my guts to
this party we can share

♫ A lot of times that
were pretty unnervin'

♫ Were those times where
you don't seem to care

♫ So if you stop

♫ Will I be standing there

♫ Whoa oh oh oh

♫ But don't stop, don't stop for me

♫ I said don't stop ♫

(giggling)

- Marcus Drummond.

Any time, villian.

- Looking rather

moist tonight.

It's a good look.

- Out of my way.

I've an appointment with
destiny and shall not tarry.

Where is my beloved?

- (snickers) You mean Stefania?

She's right yonder, my good squire.

I shall not be the one to
keep you from your destiny.

- Fuck head, I thought we told you

never to come back here again.

- Oh my god.

It's that weird guy

Weird fixings bar.

Do not leave me here alone.

- You, sir, are an imbecile,

and I shall not have words with you.

- Poor wayward soul, hmph.

- Good evening to you ladies.

Destiny has arrived in the form of a man.

- Ruben, I have a very jealous boyfriend.

- Jealous of your beauty I imagine.

- And he's a mixed martial artist.

- Stephanie.

- It's Stefania.

- Stefanunia, I implore you

look into these eyes,

these eyes that adore you.

And take what I offer
you which is everything

and as we share from the same cup.

- Okay.

- Hey baby.

Want me to cut this douche loose?

- No Howie, everything's fine here.

- What the fuck were you thinking man?

- You, sir, made your last gesture

and I demand satisfaction.

You and me, right now, let's go.

- Oh my God!

Ruben, are you okay?

- Come on baby.

- You're a retard Howie

and quit all your
dumbass (mumbling) class.

(llaughing)

- Ning!

Excellent job, Ning.

Think I can feel the vertebrae
fusing together again.

- Ruben, I think you
made a great impression.

- Well, a small price to pay for success.

Anyway, I'm glad you had
this neck corset handy.

- Actually, that was my
grandmother's cervical collar.

She wore it during her neck reduction.

- Goiter?

- Her neck was too spacious, Ning!

- I can only imagine.

- Listen to me.
- [Ruben] Gentlemen!

While I was victorious in
the fickle ways of love,

I've concluded that Marcus
Drummond must be dealt with

forthwith to determine which
of us is the better man.

- A gentlemen off.

- Precisely.

- Ruben, I feel this
will be very dangerous.

- Oh it will be Ning.

I'll make sure of that.