Friends with Money (2006) - full transcript

So the corrugated metal
not only reflects the beauty

of the common, off-the-shelf material,

but also emphasizes the invisible line
between the old and new construction.

-Wait. There will be a line?
-It's invisible.

-Just let him finish.
-Sorry.

Then the windows, here,
are large enough from the deck,

you'll see the ocean
from your master bedroom.

-No way. Really? Oh, God, that's great.
-Look, honey, it's us.

Going this high will, of course,

require some
special permits from the city.

-Why?
-Well, because the neighbors



could possibly get upset.

Well, I think we can live with that.

We want it.

We want it.

-Hey, you want some coffee?
-Sure.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

These shoes cost $95?

I don't understand
why she has to have these kind of shoes.

Don't know what it is.
Her feet are growing.

Exactly. That's why we should be
buying her regular $20 crap,

because she's gonna outgrow them
in two weeks.

It's just the opposite.

When their feet are growing you want
the best support possible.

How do you know this, this shoe theory?



It's... just known.

Come on, sweetie,
let's go get your pajamas on.

Go to sleep. Good night.
I know it's early but good night.

Does this shirt look weird
with these pants?

The sitter's coming.

-Like it's too thick?
-Who cares?

It feels bulky.

-Why don't you answer me?
-It's fine.

Because I could put on
the new striped one.

That tucks in better.

-What?
-You're pathetic.

-I'm putting on the new striped one.
-Good choice.

This kid played at my house all day,
and his parents don't know who I am.

-How do you know?
-I see them at school and they smile.

They don't say anything like "thank you".

-That's insane.
-It is.

I fed him two meals,

kissed his boo-boos, cleaned his pee.

Don't you think his mother
should acknowledge me?

-That's just rude.
-Yes.

I'd wanna know everything
my kid was doing.

Maybe the nanny didn't tell the parents
that she took him to your house.

-Parents know where their kids go.
-Where's yours?

Sitting in front of Dragon Ball Z
right where I left him.

I think it's too violent.

-You think SpongeBob is too violent.
-I never said it was.

-I said it was ugly.
-I'm ugly.

-You know, I don't get SpongeBob.
-Come on.

-Christine.
-No, I don't.

What is... How do you not get it?

Why would I say I don't if I do?

Okay.

Hey, you guys, listen. Franny and I
bought a table at an ALS fundraiser.

-Yeah.
-Will you guys come?

-No.
-No?

-It's at the Casa del Mar.
-What is ALS?

It's Lou Gehrig's disease.

It's really horrible.

-I mean, it's awful.
-Okay. We'll come.

Hey, my stockbroker's wife is doing it.
It will be kind of... It will be fun.

That reminds me,
did you guys find a place to donate money?

Because I thought of a couple of ideas.

Yeah, we decided we're gonna
give it to Tammy's school.

-That's good.
-Yeah.

-How much?
-Don't ask that.

-I can, can't I?
-No.

Two million.

-That Shabbat shalom school?
-Jane.

The one that makes you sell challah bread.

-I love that bread.
-Shit.

-Give the money to Olivia.
-Jane.

You're a maid. You need money.

No, I don't. I'm fine.

-Who's... You're working as a maid?
-You're a teacher.

Since when?
Is that, like, hip now? Cleaning houses?

What would be hip about working as a maid?

I don't know, like the Zen,
so un-hip it's cool.

Can we talk about something else?

There's nothing wrong
with working as a maid.

Who cares what people think?

-Our maids make really good money.
-I don't.

-Ours goes through our stuff.
-She does not.

I don't know. Stuff moves around.

Do you go through people's stuff?

-Like what?
-Like their drawers and shit.

No.

Good, because that would be
really fucked up.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

-He still smokes?
-He didn't quit.

-How can you stand it?
-Well, he doesn't make me smoke.

-Does it scare you?
-Or disgust you?

You know, there's a Tse sample sale
on next week if anyone wants to go.

-Tse what?
-Tse cashmere.

Can't afford that.

-Fast.
-They wouldn't let me smoke out there.

They're so uptight.

Anyway, I'd like
to make a toast very much.

To Jane.

You're wonderful
and generous and talented,

-and have always been there for me.
-Happy birthday.

I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

I think about what my days would be like
without you as friends,

and I would just wanna die.

-We love you.
-Happy birthday, sweetie.

What did you get her?

This.

-Wow.
-Wow.

-Good taste, Aaron.
-You like it?

He's so gay.

Every time we see them you say that.

Because it's like a person's sitting there

with a tree growing out of his head,
and nobody says anything.

I don't know. It seems like he loves her.

So tell me what you
don't get about SpongeBob.

-No.
-Come on.

-I'm giving you the opportunity.
-I'll pass.

Well, where else are they
gonna put their money?

I don't know. Hungry people.

Us.

We've got money.

And you know what?
We don't give it to hungry people.

Not that kind of money.

And, yes, we do give money away.
We gave away a lot of money last year.

That's true. But, you know,
they probably do too. So...

-Jesus, poor Olivia.
-Why?

She's the only one
of our friends not married.

-Yeah?
-Is a pothead. Is a maid.

She doesn't look unhappy, so maybe...

Christine and David
have not had sex in almost a year.

Wow.

Did you know that she has
never actually seen his asshole?

-What?
-It's a fact.

-How is that actually possible?
-I don't know.

I guess if you didn't really wanna see it,
it could be avoided.

Oh, God, it is so sad.

Should we give Olivia money?

No. No, not again.

Well, I feel bad. She's cleaning houses.

Well, it's her choice.
I mean, she could be doing something else.

I know, but...

Should we hire her?

To clean our-- Are you crazy? Our house?

God, no.

I bet she'd get really stoned
and become a cleaning maniac.

-I bet she's really good.
-Yeah.

No, no, no. That's much worse
than giving her money.

No. No way.

Sweetheart.

Hello?

Hello?

I'm kind of sick of modern.

I swear to God, I feel like as soon as
we did it, everybody else did too.

You have good taste.

Or else I'm incredibly trendy.

I think it should be very minimalist.

-A minimalist family room?
-Yeah.

You know, just the necessities.
Beige, gray,

maybe a shock of color somewhere,
like an orange lamp in the corner,

or something like that, you know?

So all the cleaning supplies
are under the sink in the kitchen.

-Guess I'm pretty messy.
-No. That's okay.

I mean, that's what I'm here for.

This is the kitchen.

I don't have a dishwasher.

So can you come on Mondays?

Yeah. Mondays are good.

And how much do you charge?

Well, let's see.

About $65.

I was kind of hoping for $50.

I don't usually charge that little.

Right.

-Okay.
-Really?

Yeah.

All right. Thank you.

How much farther up my ass can you get?

-Fuck you!
-You're buying fruit!

Sad, sad, sad.

So this guy is showing me
his disgusting house

which clearly he's self-conscious about.

Then he has the nerve
to ask me to take less money.

-What did you say?
-I said okay.

-Why?
-Because--

Olivia.

Because if this guy is so pathetic
he has to haggle, I should just do it.

I mean, that guy's worse off than I am.

Or you are too scared
to stick to your price.

God, I don't understand how you can clean
somebody else's toilet.

I can barely touch my own.

-You don't touch your own.
-I know it.

Now, let me ask you a question.

-What's with your hair?
-Why? What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

is that goop or is that just dirty?

No, I guess it's dirty.

-It doesn't look good.
-If I wash it too much, it dries it out.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm gonna get a sample.

-Jane?
-Hey.

-Olivia, this is Maya.
-Hi, Maya. How you doing?

Your clothes are everywhere.
Seen them at Barneys.

Yeah, we're doing well.
Hey, congratulations.

-Obviously, you had your baby.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Jane, Olivia, this is Tal.

-Tal?
-Hi, Tal.

We had the hardest time
agreeing on a name.

What if he turns out short, Maya?

You know, we actually thought about that.
My husband is kind of short.

He's young. You could always change it.
He might not notice.

-Okay.
-Well, no, we like the name.

-It's not "tall". It's Tal.
-It's Tal.

You know what? We have to go.

It was so nice to meet you.

Yeah, congratulations. Really.

-Oh, my God.
-Wow. That was awful.

-I can't take you anywhere. Awful.
-Jesus! It was a joke.

-What are you so angry about lately?
-I'm not angry.

Oh, my God. Aren't those the saddest
looking plants you have ever seen?

You really are.
I wanna know what you're mad about.

Jesus, that's the fucker
that flipped me off.

Asshole.

Okay, you're not angry.

You fucked at Chaya Venice?

We go there all the time.

-They have great sushi.
-Was it on the sink?

No, it was in the stall
up against the wall.

-Does she like this?
-She starts it.

What is that? Public places.

I don't know. She's into getting caught.

By whom? Daddy?

Do some raises. Ten.

-I'm fixing you up with Olivia.
-No, you're not.

You need someone normal.

Olivia will fuck you in a bed.

-I have a girlfriend.
-She's married, you idiot.

And she's weird.

You'd be lucky to have Olivia.

She's great.

All right.

Hold.

What does she do?

She used to be a teacher.
I mean, she did until about a year ago.

And she taught at this really fancy school
in Santa Monica.

She taught 11th grade.

You would not believe
the cars that these kids drove.

And she drives up in her ancient Honda

and they would give her quarters for food.

They thought it was hilarious.
She couldn't take it anymore.

It's too bad too because
she was so good with kids.

She just loves them,
and she's so patient and giving.

-How are her tits?
-Up.

Really good.

But I'm marrying Richard.
I don't care what you say.

He's so wrong for you.

You don't even like the same things.

Doesn't matter. We have amazing sex.

You know what?
I don't give a shit what you do.

I don't think you'd say that.

-Don't type that.
-I don't give a shit.

But you do. You just wrecked the car,
I made you so mad.

No, I wrecked the car
because of the lap dance.

-These people are supposed to be in love.
-Says who?

Us, at the pitch meeting.

I don't care. I'm mad at her.
I distanced myself.

-I can't work like this.
-Like what?

-You're bullying me.
-I'm bullying you?

-We're having a discussion.
-No, we're not.

You changed your mind
and you're being stubborn.

We write together.

Why is there so much noise?

Maybe because
we're building a second story.

What?

Not too many people could wear that color.

You could get away with it.

I don't know.

Try this one on.

You can't tell shit
if you don't try it on.

-There are no dressing rooms.
-That's cool. They don't care.

Yeah. Good idea.

-Yeah.
-It looks good.

-Think I should get it?
-Yeah.

Thanks. I never would have seen it.
There's just so much stuff here.

-Pay me back with a coffee?
-A coffee?

-Have a coffee with me.
-I've gotta get back to work.

How about dinner?

I'm...

I'm married.

Well, you know. Lucky man.

No...

-Hi. How are you today?
-Hi. Fine, thanks.

I'm looking for this product.
I think I saw it in a magazine.

I think they said it was for lines,
like Resolution D-Contraxol?

-Yes, our Resolution.
-Yeah, maybe. I think.

They said you were giving out samples.

-Yeah, we are. Would you like one?
-Yeah. Sure.

Well, you use this at night.

And you'll see that
the results are amazing.

Wow. Really?

-That's great. Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Now, you know, your oily face could really
do with some Clarifiance.

-Hi. Can I help you with something?
-I think so.

I'm looking for this lotion.
I saw it in a magazine.

-I can't remember the name.
-Resolution?

Maybe. I think so.

Anyway, they said
you were giving out samples.

Is that it?

Great. Thank you.

You know what? I was...
Could I get one for my girlfriend?

-She had asked...
-Not a chance.

-Hi.
-Hi. You're early.

Yeah, I had to get away
from my stupid husband.

See? This is my girlfriend.
Give her a sample.

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

-Is this actually for me?
-Give it to me.

I just think it's dangerous.

I mean, kids get paralyzed
falling off them.

-You put a net around it.
-I think we should just get rid of it.

I think the maid would take it.

But then her kids would get paralyzed.

Yeah. Right.

I'm worried about Richard.

He doesn't play with balls.

What do you mean?

Well, like at the park,
he has no interest in them.

Well, you know,
he probably does other things.

He's probably just playing
with the other boys that don't like balls.

Exactly.

Little gay boys.

Would it bother you if he was gay?

No, you know,
I just don't want him to have any pain.

Well, everyone has pain.

Well, then, extra gay pain.

-That's not funny.
-Come on.

-No, it's not.
-Come on.

Hi, this is Olivia. I'm not home.
Leave me a message.

Honey, hi. It's Christine.

Listen, I just recommended you
to this sort of friend of mine,

who's looking for someone
to clean her house.

She's very rich and very picky,

but I think she'll pay a lot of money.

So if Melanie Charney calls,
just, that's her. Bye.

And all the thoughts of the day,

are going up, up, up,
and out the top of your head.

And everything is white and calm,

easy and sleepy.

-I love you.
-I love you too.

Here's Ralphy.

Don't turn off the light.

-I really want another kid.
-No way.

-Why not?
-I don't know, because I'm 100.

You are not 100. And I'm sure
we could get pregnant if we tried.

There's no way
we're gonna have another baby.

You can't just decide that.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Another hang-up?

Why do you look different?

I shaved my thing.

-My beard.
-Oh, my God.

Yeah, like three weeks ago.

Wow, you shaved your beard
three weeks ago?

God, I'm so sorry.

-For what?
-Well, for not noticing.

It's okay. I don't care.

-Well, it looks good.
-Thanks.

So Franny, who I met through Jane,
my friend Jane, she designs clothing.

She's real... They're all kind of weird.

What do you...
What do you keep looking at?

I think that the girl sitting behind you

is someone I went
to junior high school with.

Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Please don't stare. No.

-Why not?
-How do I look?

Compared to what? We just met.

Yeah.

So, are you... So you're from here?

Yes, I grew up in the Valley.

I'm sorry. It's so weird.
She hasn't changed a bit.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Well, why don't you go say hi to her?

Are you kidding me?
That girl ruined my life.

What, really? What did she do?

Well, we made out once
in her father's basement.

And I was in love with her, you know?

And, we... She was my girlfriend for,
like, two hours.

And, then she dumped me.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm sorry.

It's wild for me to see her here.

So do you work out at all?

No, not really.

"We all went on safari

near the Serengeti gate."

-Looks like your dad's home.
-"We startled wary...

wart hogs..."

-You want to do some work?
-I'm reading with Max.

We gotta work.

Okay. We'll read more later, okay, babe?

-Maria?
-Sorry, Mama's gotta work.

-When are we gonna get our tree?
-We got a whole month.

But when are we gonna get it?

Well, we'll get it before Christmas.

I promise you, buddy, all right?

-Okay?
-Whatever.

Hey. Wait. No, I'm paying.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
We had so much to catch up.

Don't let her pay. I'm paying.

-I am a shithead!
-No, come on.

It is hard enough having a blind date.

I know, you're absolutely right.

Hey, so can we go out again? Please?

Listen, I just went ape shit back there
because that's a girl

who humiliated me in high school.

Didn't anyone ever just,
you know, wreck your life,

and then you see them as an adult?

It's intense.

Are you stupid?

-Kind of.
-What do you do again?

Right, right, you're Franny's trainer.

What do you do?

Franny said that you,
used to be a teacher.

I'm a maid.

Yeah, right.

-What, I can't be a maid?
-No, you can't.

-Not really.
-That's funny.

-You're really a maid?
-Yeah.

In fact, I have a job right now,
so I gotta go.

Can I come watch?

Your sister called.

-What kind of fish should we get?
-Your father's had a stroke.

Very funny.

I have a problem with this line.
I think Elliot would believe her.

Why would he believe her?
He saw his father yesterday.

Because it's...

Melanie just doesn't joke like that.
It's not in her character.

No, I don't agree.

God, how did we even get this far?

It's like we're writing
two different scripts.

Every time we disagree, you fall apart.

What?

You're eating a lot of shit lately.

What?

I said, you're eating
a lot of shit lately.

So what?

So I can see it on your ass.

I'm just telling you because, you know,

I thought you'd want me to tell you
if I noticed something like that.

What made you think I'd want you
to tell me if my ass was getting fat?

Because I guess I'd want you
to tell me if I was gaining weight.

-Really, you'd want me to tell you?
-Yes, I would.

Would you want me to tell you,
for instance,

that you always have bad breath?

Would you wanna know that?

-I guess.
-Well, now you know.

I'm trying to get you to drink more water,
not because it's healthier.

It's because your breath
smells like a dead man.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I would have got my teeth
cleaned or something.

Because I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

It wouldn't.

Really?

Well, it's not like it's my fault, per se.

Man, I wish I had that mechanism.

So not only do I have bad breath always,

but I'm a dick because
I don't take it personally?

I can't work anymore. I...

I'm out.

A fat-free turkey.

She got fat-free pepperoni, fat-free milk.

Diet this, diet that.

I Can't Believe It's Not Fat.

Jesus. Of course, vodka.

Big bottle of tequila, more... More vodka.

Some Ben and Jerry's in the back.

-Makes sense now.
-Put that back.

See, she has to
either get drunk or really stoned

to believe that she's
actually eating something.

Do you smoke it?

What, their pot?

No. I smoke my own.

-It wrecks your brain.
-Okay.

Here, why don't you
clean the inside of that.

That's disgusting.

How come you don't have a boyfriend?

I don't know. Ask my last boyfriend.

Okay, I'm not doing a good job.
This is disgusting, I'm gonna throw up.

-Who cleans your fridge?
-Manuella.

You gave me the worst job.

I so did not give you the worst job.

-What are we doing?
-Well, we're dancing.

Okay.

-It's fun to dance.
-Yeah.

Can I kiss you?

You seriously want to kiss me now?

-Yes, I do.
-Okay.

Do you want to put that down? Okay.

Where's the waiter?

You think he fell off the face
of the fucking earth.

He was nice.

To you, maybe,
because he thinks you're cute.

He didn't even notice I was sitting here.

-What are you talking about?
-You are so blind.

-The waiter's, like, in love with you.
-I'm a guy and I'm with you.

I just want the check.

It's like they were up your ass
every five minutes to get your order,

then when you need the check,
they go out back

and smoke a cigarette or something.

Here he is.

I hope everything was all right.

Can I get you anything else?

-Just the check.
-No.

Honey, look, it's one of yours.

-Yeah.
-Don't you love that?

She doesn't look very good in it.

Yeah, but it's yours. You designed it.

-How much?
-One hundred dollars.

That's not bad.

Whoa, whoa, hello?

I mean, I helped.

Yeah, I mean, don't you think I should
get some of the money?

I mean, not that it's a thing, but...

I mean...

Cool.

You know, you could
make a lot more training.

-You make, like, $50 an hour?
-Sixty-five.

I'm so out of shape.

So why is he a jerk for not being upset?

I mean, it sounds to me like...
Just like he's more confident than you.

He's a jerk because he's not upset.
Of course he's upset.

Wouldn't you be if I told you
you had bad breath?

-You do tell me I have bad breath.
-And how does it make you feel?

Not great, but it doesn't, like,
rock me to the core, you know?

I just go brush my teeth.

Well, he told me I was getting fat.
That's much worse.

Are you?

Aaron, why are you being such a jerk?

Because you two are just sitting there
deciding that David's the schmuck.

Well, he is.

Maybe and maybe not.

I'm sorry, Christine,
but maybe it's partly you.

-She knows it's partly her.
-I do?

You know, I just have
to be more like Franny.

She just shrugs everything off. Right?

No, she shrugs because
she doesn't like confrontation.

Yeah, maybe she just chooses her battles.

Are we going to this fundraising thing?

-No.
-Yeah. No. Yeah.

What is it again anyway?

-Homeless.
-ALS.

-That is so sad.
-Right.

And I get to wear the Yohji jacket
I never get to wear.

You have a Yohji Yamamoto jacket?

-Yes, and he is so sexy in it.
-Is he?

Maybe if you and David had more sex,
you'd get along better.

You know, I...

He's my husband. It doesn't count. Right?

Fuck.

Well, how often do you guys have sex?

-Often.
-No, we don't have sex often.

Well, I thought...

-You know who has a lot of sex?
-Matt and Franny.

Well, I would have a lot of sex
if I had that much money.

I mean, nothing to worry about. No stress.

-You're crazy.
-I'm not. Listen, they are relaxed.

-They never fight.
-I've seen them fight.

No, not often.

Well, you think he can't get lung cancer
because he's rich?

-Probably.
-You're so bitter.

I cannot believe he smokes.

And she lets him.

How does she let him?

By accepting it.

Yeah, well, good for her.
Maybe that's why they don't fight.

That and the money.

Your hair smells so good.

Really?

I wasn't sure that...

lavender-tea-grass thing was too strong.

Yes, I liked it.

-It was good.
-Really?

Yeah.

Gosh. I wonder how the blind date went.

Yeah.

You know what, I don't really see them
hitting it off, you know?

I know.

I just wanted her to have a date.

Yeah.

What exactly is the problem?

I don't know.
She just hasn't met the right guy.

And until you meet the right one,
the others are all wrong.

Boy, has she met some wrong ones.
Especially in her 20s.

My God, that was painful to watch.

I think she's still hung up
on that married guy, Raymond.

Who, Mr. Masculine?

She used to squeeze his whiteheads.

-That's gross.
-I know.

Well, this is sad.

Yeah. He's single.

But there is kid stuff around.

He's really got
a fantastic decorating sense.

What a piggy.

So, what does this guy do for a living?

I think he's unemployed.

Yeah, his house feels unemployed.

And he has a maid. That's weird.

Maybe he's depressed
because he doesn't work,

and he feels too bad to clean up.

Sounds like a real putz.

It makes sense to me.

Hey, let's fuck here.

No.

I've... Excuse me, I've...

I've seen you in here, a lot.

Yeah, I just work up the street.

What...

-What do you do?
-I run my own company.

Tell me.

Well, it's like
an organic bath products company.

-Called Luscious.
-You're shitting me. I love that stuff.

You're talking about the...

-It has the chunks of fruit in it?
-You use it?

I love it.

-Can I take your order?
-Yeah.

I'd like some Brie
but on wheat bread, please.

All right. And you?

Actually, I'm gonna have
the exact same thing.

-That sounds great.
-Yeah, with salad.

-Okay.
-You want salad?

-Okay.
-Yeah. Thank you.

I'm Aaron, by the way.

You're kidding? I'm Aaron.

-You're not. I'm Aaron.
-No, I'm Aaron.

-Nice to meet you, Aaron.
-And you, Aaron.

-Yeah, what do you do?
-I'm a clothing designer.

Really? My wife's a clothing designer.

-My goodness. What a coincidence.
-What do you design?

Socks, actually. I own Shock Socks.

Oh, my God.

No. You're wearing my socks.

My goodness. That is fantastic.

So it's like a six-week
anatomy course. Yeah.

And how much does
something like that cost?

-I think it's like $1800.
-Oh, my God!

Well, you can't get
a certificate without it, you know?

Well, can you make $65 an hour right away?

-I can't...
-It's sort of complicated.

What are you doing? You all right?
It's a stitch. Breathe.

-A stitch?
-Yeah.

Oh, God.

Well, can I work at the place
that you use to train Franny?

Yeah, maybe you should try
making it to the end first.

You know what?
I could clean and I could train.

Okay, well, let's keep going, then.

-How about that? Let's make it.
-Fuck that. Everything hurts.

What?

Hey! Hey!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Are you totally blind?
-What are you talking about?

Marcus, hi. I'm Wyatt's mom.

-Hi.
-What's going on here?

Let's see. Well, you stole
my parking place, obviously.

And you know what?

Your son had a play date
at my house last week.

-He did?
-He did, yeah.

His nice nanny brought him over.

-Who are you?
-Wyatt's mom.

Okay. Hi. Hi.

Hi. He had two meals, you know, big ones,

broke a mug and he told us that you
let him watch Desperate Housewives.

Yeah, thought you might wanna know.

-Buckle up.
-And yeah, you're welcome!

-Idiot.
-What about my gum?

Not now.

Take your time, sweetheart.

So it's a six-week course,

-and when it's over...
-You have to take a test.

Yeah, but when I'm done,

I get a certificate
that tells me I can work in a gym.

How was the sex?

It was fun.

He doesn't look at me, though.

-Hate sex?
-No.

Anyway. So the course is $1,800.

And I'd pay it back over a period of time.

That's a lot of money.

But I'd make it back.

Why don't you just go back to teaching?

Teach poor kids.

It's not my calling.

Miss Franny, I'm going home now.

-Hi, Olivia.
-Hi, Teresa.

Hey, you know what?
I'm doing what you do now.

I'm a housekeeper. Cleaning houses.

Okay, good night.

Bye.

That was so stupid.

I'm just sort of confused
because you're my only friend

who doesn't like to exercise,
and you're gonna be a trainer.

What? I don't understand.
What's the... I mean...

Do accountants have to love numbers?

Do nannies have to love children?

Yeah.

Franny, if you had to work,
then what would you do?

I feel like I work.

I feel like taking care
of my kids is work.

But you have full-time help.

It's true.

-Are you trying to make me feel bad?
-No.

I don't think.

I'm sorry.

What about Christine?

I know.

What... Have you...
What are they doing to that house?

It's sort of sad.

Yeah, I mean,

they should be in couples therapy,
not expanding their home.

You know,

I would feel a lot better
about giving you the money

if you went to a therapist
and figured out what you really wanna do.

So is that a "no" on giving me
the money for the training?

No, I'm not saying that.

I mean, I have to talk
to Matt about it anyway.

Do you have to check with Matt
on lending me money for therapy?

-Well...
-Franny, you know,

you buy your 2-year-old daughter
$80 shoes from France,

and you're just...
You're giving me a hard time.

That's Matt. That's not me.

I gotta go.

You're leaving?

You know, you just...
You don't understand what it's like.

And before Matt, you would've lent me
the money. It's not even his money.

-It's your money.
-Of course it's his money.

We're married.

So we thought we'd do something
tomorrow afternoon, if that's okay.

Are you kidding? You need friends.

Go. Is he married?

I guess so. He's got a ring.

Come here.

You're my best friend.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

-You're just tired.
-Yeah, I am.

It's okay.

I don't feel like myself.

I think this birthday was hard for you.

Forty-three. What's the difference?

Yeah, but you're in your 40s now.
It's real.

It's like we're just waiting to die.

You're serious.

That's so depressing.

Hon, your hair, your...

Does it feel greasy?

I don't feel like washing it.

My arms get tired.

So, do you think
Christine and David are gonna split up?

Do you remember that fight
they had at our wedding?

No.

They were yelling at each other
in that only downstairs bathroom.

Yeah.

She was mad because he made
some crack about her dress.

Do you remember that weird dress?

It's like they keep having
the same argument.

And they weren't even married yet.

You think they shouldn't
have gotten married?

I don't know.

Maybe it was right at the time.

Yeah, but that's not enough
to get married, is it?

"Right at the time."

Hello?

Hello? Who is this?

Why do you keep calling?

Hey.

I know you.

No, I don't think so.

Look, there's Sammy's mom.

-Hi, Sammy's mom.
-Hi.

We're just bringing you some cookies.

-We heard you got a new kitten.
-Yeah.

Max would love to come over
and see it soon, wouldn't you, babe?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Want a cookie?

No, thanks.

Marla, sorry about the construction.

I know it's been really noisy.

See ya.

You care too much what people think.

But we're friends. It's...

We've had so many play dates together.
It was crazy.

So she's in a bad mood. Who cares?

I care.

Just because you can remove yourself
enough to feel superior to everyone,

doesn't mean I can.

What the hell is that?

It's what you do
so you're never affected by people.

Wow.

I can take the next customer.

No. Wait. Excuse me.

-I was next.
-No, you weren't.

But you can't do that. Hey.

I was waiting in line. It's not right.

Let me help them, then I'll help you.

Did you see that?
Were they in front of me?

No. This is crazy.
I've been waiting in line.

How important could being
in front of me be?

-Calm down, all right?
-Really. What kind of person are you?

Do you feel like
you got away with something?

Is this really worth it to you?

Sorry, could you step over there,
wait your turn?

-Seriously.
-Is there a manager here?

-Is there a manager here?
-I'm the manager.

How can I help you?
Is everything all right?

Everything's not all right.

I'm angry because these two people
cut in front of me,

and everyone is letting them
get away with it.

Them. There. Those two people
with their stupid fucking faces.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave the store, ma'am.

Me, you kick out,
and to them you do nothing?

Let's go, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Well, just let me buy what I need.

I don't think that's going to happen.

Well, then take it all, then!

On top of it, I don't get the part

where the guy tells the other guy
not to come to the house.

No, no. No, I don't think
you're supposed to get it.

It's... It's like...
It's deliberately confusing.

Really? You sure?

I don't know what I'm saying.

Are you hungry?

Yeah, I'm starving.
Should we go and find somewhere to eat?

I actually... Just earlier today
I went to a farmers' market.

I live right up the street. So, I mean,

-I could make us something.
-Really?

-Listen, I don't want to impose.
-No. Please, I love to cook.

I would... It would be my pleasure.

You've got such a great place.

Your paintings and stuff.
Did your wife decorate or did you?

You know, my wife pretends
to be interested in that stuff,

but she's not.

I ended up doing the whole thing
myself pretty much.

My wife's into her designing,
but I did the house.

I think we're ready.
Do you mind grabbing that?

-No.
-Thank you.

So how long have you guys been married?

Eight and a half years.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Us too.

-No.
-Yeah.

You have kids?

No. No. You guys?

Yeah. We have a son.

Was that a... Like a conscious decision?

We tried actually, for years.

But at this point, it looks like
it's not gonna work out.

-Sorry.
-Yeah.

It's actually been a huge strain
on our relationship.

How so?

You know, just not being
able to get pregnant and...

You know.

I'm sorry, this is weird.

Maybe I... I mean,
maybe I'm being too intimate.

No, no. It's okay. It's funny,
I feel really comfortable with you, so...

Me too. I'm glad.

Usually when I try to become friends
with a guy, he thinks I'm hitting on him.

I mean, just because you care
about what you wear

-doesn't mean to say you're gay, right?
-Exactly.

I love your shirt, by the way.

Her hair alone should have been a sign.

You think she just stopped bathing?

No, just shampooing.

Maybe she's upset
because her husband's gay.

God, why do you always say that?

-Come on.
-He's not gay.

But what else could he be?

Well, he's not. He's just Aaron.

-Hi.
-I can't believe I had my phone off.

I was at the movies
and forgot to turn it back on.

-She's not out yet.
-Is she okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know,
she always did want a nose job.

It's not funny.

-Hi.
-How bad is her face?

-My God.
-She broke her nose.

Was she in a lot of pain?

Actually, she couldn't stop laughing.

When she was conscious.

What's even weirder
is that she hates Old Navy.

-I mean...
-I love Old Navy.

That's good.

So where were you?

I was at the movies with a friend of mine.

-Which friend?
-New friend. This guy I met.

So, Olivia, are you gonna
talk to me or what?

You know...

Look, it was a really stupid idea.
Let's just forget it.

No, I won't.
I can't believe you won't talk to me

because I asked you two questions.

It wasn't just about two questions,
Franny. It was your tone.

-What happened?
-She...

She wants to be a personal trainer.

You know what?
Fuck all of you guys, all right?

Look, I'm sorry I don't have
my entire life figured out.

Olivia, we love you.

We're the ones who love you.

It's not like we have
all our lives figured out.

That is such bullshit.

You chose to quit your job.

That job was intolerable.

That's still you.

Wheelchair to Admitting.

Well, I hope Jane will be okay
for the benefit thing.

Shit. What am I gonna wear?

-My God.
-I don't understand...

I don't understand these fundraisers.

I mean, they waste all this money
on these parties.

Why don't they just give the money
to the scientists or to the sick people?

But you know what? They don't.

They throw a party so rich people like me

can spend $10,000 on a table,

and then they give it to the sick people.

Okay? That's how it's done.

-Hello?
-Hi. It's Olivia.

You cannot call me here.

Come on. You know,
I really, really need to see you.

That's not possible.

Yeah, but don't you miss me at all?

-I have to hang up.
-Come on. Just answer me.

I gotta go. I'll see you.

Hello?

Hi. This is Olivia.

Olivia?

My husband's one-night stand?

Yeah.

I guess, if you consider
two months a one-night stand.

Could you please put him on the phone?

Olivia, why don't you go find
a husband of your own.

I would if I fucking could, Edie!

God!

Fuck off!

Hey, what about this one, honey?

That one, Christine, is scrawny and dead.

I'm not spending $100 on that.

-They're all $100.
-It's disgusting.

Why? You'd spend it on something else,
why not a Christmas tree?

-Because we throw them away.
-That's crazy.

No, $100 on a Christmas tree,
that's what's crazy.

What's that?

Nothing. I'm just trying to be
more like Franny. Not annoyed.

Good. So let's not get one.

Fine.

But I want one.

-All right.
-Sorry, honey.

-That one's more money.
-Fuck it.

See, honey, there are a lot of things
that are wrong and right.

As you get older, you try to figure out
which ones are which.

And some are big and obvious,

like don't kill anybody
or hurt anybody on purpose.

And some are trickier.

And sometimes you do the wrong thing

before you know
you're doing the wrong thing.

Here, want some? These are cute.

Like what?

I don't know.

Okay, say you're taking a test,
and you don't know the answer.

So you look at the guy's paper sitting
next to you, and you copy his answer.

-That's bad, right?
-Right. You should not do that.

But while you're doing it,
you're thinking to yourself,

"Well, this doesn't hurt anybody,
what difference does it make?"

Well, it does make a difference
because those little things add up.

So, Wyatt, what you should understand...

There are a lot of injustices,
a lot of things that aren't fair.

And when people make it worse
by doing the wrong things,

like taking your parking space,

or cutting in front of you
in line at a store,

and then they're just
making the world an uglier place.

I figured out why Christine
always thinks Aaron is gay.

It's because she wants someone else
to have as bad a marriage as she does.

And then she just gets mad because
she thinks Jane's in denial.

You know, I have no idea
what you just said.

Don't you think we have enough?

A couple more.

Well, they won't know what hit them.

Yeah, well, isn't that the point?

Hey, lookit.

-Lookit.
-Hey, stop. Don't go through her stuff.

Well, she leaves it right here.

Well, it's her house.
Where else is she supposed to put it?

I don't know. Hidden somewhere.
Isn't she scared you're gonna find it?

I didn't. You did.

Did you clean those shelves?

Yeah.

I got you a Christmas present.

Hey.

You missed a spot over there.

Get it.

Back here.

Yeah, back here.

Faster. Faster.

-Okay, turn it off.
-What?

Put the vacuum down.
You're done with that now.

Dust... Dust... Dust the trellis.

And don't... Don't miss any spots.
It's delicate. It's very delicate.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Yes.
-Yes, what?

Yes, Mr. Mike.

Yeah. Get the lower bits.

-And don't be sloppy. They're delicate...
-All right, you know what?

I thought this maid's thing was about sex.

-It will be.
-When?

I'll be right back.

Well, what the fuck did you think?

That somehow we could all
just see through it?

Excuse me.

You guys have to stop, okay?
You have to stop working.

Guys, you have to stop, okay? You have...

Everybody, the job's over, all right?
No more work. Please.

Go home. You guys can go.
Does anybody speak English?

Anyone? No work. You can
all go home. You understand?

-No work?
-No work. Exactly. No work.

-You can all go home, okay? Adios.
-Go home?

Hey, hey. Hey, what--
What the hell are you doing?

We have completely ruined our street.
Do you know what we've done?

Guys, go back to work, please.

-Yes.
-No. No, you have to stop. Please.

No, David. Listen,
I just came from Marla's house.

We've completely ruined her view
and everybody else's.

I mean, our house is so fucking huge
no one can see the sky anymore.

Are you serious? You didn't know? Right.

Know what? That we were doing
something really, really gross?

-No, I didn't.
-What planet are you on?

Everybody in the neighborhood
is doing this.

Marla's trying to make you feel guilty.
You're the one that wanted the view.

How the fuck else would you see the ocean
from the bedroom?

Hi, Christine. This is Melanie Charney.

You know that maid you recommended?

I'm sure this isn't the case,

but I just wanted to know
how well you know her,

because, I don't know, this is silly,

but I'm missing a $75 jar of face cream.

And I just can't imagine where it went.

I mean, what kind of person
would steal someone's face cream?

Will you give me a call when you can?

We're more than halfway through.
We're not stopping now.

-You don't care about others.
-You knew.

You just didn't want to pay attention.

-I didn't know!
-You notice what you want.

Shit!

I'm going out for a while.

"You all right, honey?
Did you burn yourself?"

What are you talking about?

Nothing. I just burned
the fuck out of my hand,

and I politely asked myself
if I was all right.

It's something you seem
to be incapable of doing.

-What?
-I just burned my hand.

-Did you notice?
-I don't know. Yes, I guess so.

Does it ever occur to you to say,
"Are you all right?"

-You are all right.
-But does it ever occur to you to ask?

If you're all right,
which you clearly are,

then what the fuck is the difference?

If you want me to know you're all right,
why don't you just tell me?

Okay. So say I scrape
the fuck out of my arm.

And I yell "ow",

and you don't say anything.

I should say, "Don't worry, honey,
I'm all right."

Yes. What's wrong with that?

So I'll speak to you soon.
I had a good time.

I thought we were gonna go
to dinner or something.

I can't. I can't. I wish I could.

I already have a plan for dinner.
I'm sorry.

No.

Thanks for my present.

We almost forgot.

My cut.

You really want this money?

Well, I helped.

You're a fuck.

You just will. People do.

But how? I can't even imagine.

Does one of us move out?

-Him or me?
-Him.

I can't believe I'm talking about this.

I'm sorry, Aaron,
you can have your wife back.

I just... I should go anyway.

Just take your time.

Hi, my name is Olivia,

and I am the lady that cleans your house.

And I'm calling to say

that I'm not going to be able
to come to work anymore.

Actually, I got another job.

I'm... So I'm very sorry.

Hey, it's Marty.
Leave a message after the beep.

All right.

Hi, this is Olivia.
I'm the lady that cleans your house,

and I'm calling to say
that I'm not gonna be able to...

Hey.

Hi. You're there.

-Yeah.
-I'm calling to tell you

that I'm not gonna be able to
do it anymore.

Well, how come?

Well...

Because I just...

-Well, actually, I got a job.
-What is it?

In cosmetics.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, what do you do?

I am presently not employed at the moment.

Well, what did you do?

A little bit of everything.
A lot of nothing.

Do you wanna go out sometime?

Sure.

Good.

-Pretty good.
-That's very nice.

-Very pretty.
-God.

Is this too dressy for homeless people?

ALS, ALS.

Why do I keep forgetting that?

Wow, this is soft.

When did you start working
with this fabric?

-It gets little holes in it, though.
-Really?

I'm kind of afraid to move.

It looks cuter when it gets little holes.

Jesus, not when you're paying
800 bucks for it.

Well, you're not paying for it.

-I didn't mean anything by that.
-It's okay.

I know it's overpriced, but it has to be.

-I'm paying for mine.
-Shut up.

-I will.
-Just shut up.

-Why shouldn't I?
-Because it's a gift.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-All right.
-Thank you.

I don't know about that.

-I know.
-This?

Take it off.

Take it off, take it off.

Thank you so much.
It's just a little runny.

-Sorry.
-I'll make it again.

You should not apologize.
He should be apologizing.

You should've ordered them
over-medium, honey.

No, then they come back dry.

Always. Especially here.

We've never been here actually.

-Who picked it?
-I did.

I really like it, I really like it.

-So do I. There's such...
-So, Gretchen, what do you do?

-We run the company together.
-Yeah, yeah.

Aaron's the artist,
and I'm pretty much the bookkeeper.

-No.
-I always give socks as presents.

-Really?
-I have for years.

So did we, but you can only give
your wares away for so long

and then you actually have
to buy something.

Didn't I ask for coffee about an hour ago?
Excuse me.

Could I have some more--
Fell off the face of the fucking earth.

What do you have to do...

They only have one job to do,
and they can't do that right.

-Jane.
-What?

-Please.
-What?

Will you not have one of your fits.

I mean, we're having
a really lovely time. Okay?

He's gay.

He's not gay.

-Okay.
-You just met his wife.

Who has a serious bug up her ass

-and has a reason.
-She does.

What does she have to complain about?

Do you know how much her clothes cost?
They're hideously overpriced.

-Sweetheart, you buy them.
-They're gorgeous.

Who cares if you don't get
another cup of coffee?

Was it worth making us look
like crazy people

in front of our new friends?

Just tell me.

What horrible injustice was done to you
that you have to act this way?

What is it that you don't have,

that you have to walk
straight into a plate-glass window?

Or that you can't get up the incentive
to wash your fucking hair.

-I wash my hair.
-Yeah, when?

Have you seen it recently?

And just tell me, are you intending
to go to the benefit looking like that?

Well, what's the point?

It gets dirty and you have to
wash it all over again.

That's what civilized people do.
They get up and they wash their hair.

And when it gets dirty,
they wash it again.

-Well, I don't want to.
-Jesus. Is this your idea of rebelling

-against the way things are?
-I'm not rebelling against anybody.

-Well, what are you doing?
-I'm just tired.

Of what?

I just guess I feel like there's no more
wondering what it's gonna be like.

Like what's gonna be like?

My fabulous life.

You don't like your life?

No, I do. I like my life.

Good.

God, I hate black tie.

You know, Olivia's bringing
some guy again.

We're buying some guy a $1000 dinner?

I know. At first, I was kind of annoyed.

But then I just feel so bad
that I introduced her to Mike.

I mean...

I had no idea he'd be such a dick.

And then she knew David wasn't coming,

and there's an extra seat, so you know.

Still have to talk to him.

Well, just sit at the
other side of the table.

It's for a good cause.

What? ALS or Olivia?

Wow, you look amazing.

Thank you.

Maybe this guy will be the right one.

It only takes one.

Do I have a smudge?

No.

It's just... I think
you might be a little casual.

Do you have a tie?

I...

So, what's he like?

He sounded kind of nice.

More like her than her other boyfriends.

Isn't it weird how they throw
these fancy parties for money?

I mean, why don't they give the money
to the sick people directly?

It seems like such a waste, right?

Anyway...

You know, I don't think
the two of you have much in common.

I know. I sometimes wonder if we met now

if we'd be friends.

Not likely.

Probably not.

That's good.

-That's so true.
-Yeah.

That is so true.

You're funny.

-Max?
-Yes?

Do you like these shoes?

Or are they too clunky?

-What's "clunky" mean?
-It means, you know, heavy.

Not delicate. Like chunky.

You're not gonna give me
any help, are you?

Good boy.

When we met, I had like
400 different kinds, remember?

Yeah, I do.

I was obsessed with shampoo.

I thought if I could find the right one,

my hair would be the hair I always wanted.

Like, every time I washed,
it was a new opportunity.

A new chance to be pretty.

Just right.

Then I married you,

and I found out they all
have the same shit in them.

You guys,

I love this stuff.

This is amazing.

Lookit, this is expensive stuff.

Oh, my God, would you smell that candle.

-Vomit.
-What?

-Here.
-Please. You serious?

-Yeah.
-You know what?

Give her the whole thing.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

Listen, I'm keeping mine.

It's what you put in this bag anyway.

If you want to, you could
just donate that directly to ALS.

Fuck you.

-How is Max?
-He's okay.

He's gonna go to a shrink.
I think it'll help him.

Yeah, that's... That's good.

In case you're wondering,
my husband and I just split.

I know, Olivia told me everything.

Sorry. I'm divorced too. It's...

It's really hard at first.

Marty has a daughter.

And I actually saw a picture of her.
She's so cute.

-She's ten. She's beautiful.
-Really?

-What's her name?
-Ivy.

Ivy. I love that name.

-Yeah.
-So, Marty, what do you do?

I mean, for a living?

I dabble in some stuff,

and...

Opportunities, investments.

I get stuff done.

-There's so much stuff in this auction.
-Yeah, there are.

Reese Witherspoon will knit me a sweater.

-Sweetheart, look at this.
-So weird.

Tandem bike.
We could get that and ride that.

How long would that take?

Does anyone know what a Donzi boat is?

-I don't.
-Oh, my God.

Who would pay to walk on Nip/Tuck?

Oh, God, I would.

I'd be there in a shot.

That surprises me.

Why?

Is this pretty fucking small
for 1000 bucks.

Jane, please.

Before we start eating
our really small food,

I wanna make a toast,

to the fact that, you know,
we don't have ALS,

or anything horrible.

-Yet.
-Jesus, Matt.

No, no, no, it's true.

This is when it starts. This is the age.

No shit, man. I just found out
I have 15 percent bone loss.

What does that mean? What is bone loss?

It's absolutely normal.

It's like kind of before
osteoporosis sets in.

Welcome and thank you all for being
part of this very important evening.

Project ALS is driving
scientific research forward.

And tonight, we are paying
tribute to the individuals...

You were the prettiest one there.

He was actually really nice.

And did you see his jacket? It was...

It was really quite beautiful.

-Whose?
-Olivia's boyfriend.

The fabric, it was quite gorgeous.

I don't think so.

And I know fabric.

No, no. I felt it on the way out.

It was cashmere.

Pretty expensive.

He does seem nice, you know?

And she looked sort of happy.

And the girls just looked great
in your clothes.

You were the prettiest one there.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Did he go to sleep okay?

-Yeah, it was fine.
-Good.

Thanks. Good night.

Good night.

I know they're a really
depressed group of people.

No. That's probably why I was
so comfortable around them.

Really? You liked them?

Yeah.

I'm sorry about Matt, though.

God, he asked all those questions about,
you know, your work.

I don't usually tell people this,

unless I've known them
for a long time, but...

I don't work.

Yeah. I don't blame you.

I mean, if I could figure out
a way not to do it, I wouldn't either.

I mean, right?

No, I mean,

I'm really rich.

Yeah, you wish.

No, I mean it.

My family, my father actually,

was incredibly wealthy,
and I inherited all his money. And...

I don't need to work.

So I don't.

Well, that's... I mean, that's great.

Good for you.

I just can't take
the in-laws anymore, Richard.

They're wearing down my nerves.

Well, what do you think it's like for me?

Your sister with those spaghetti dishes.

I thought you liked
the way my sister cooked.

She...

You okay, Miss Christine?

So I was thinking, like,
a nice armoire over there.

-Yeah.
-You know?

I like those.

And maybe some new curtains.

I always wanted to get this,

-but I just don't know where to go.
-I know where to go.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-So you'll help me?
-Yeah.

-That would be great.
-Yeah. No, there's...

Hey, can I ask you something?

You know, remember when we first met?

And you bargained down my price?

Yeah?

Why would you do that?

I mean, when you have a lot of money.

I'm sorry.

That's...

I just...

I guess I have some issues.

You do?

You know, people sort of problems.

I have them.

That's okay.

I got problems.