Friends and Family (2001) - full transcript
Children and parents. In New York City, Stephen and Danny live well: they're smooth, cool, in love, and good at what they do. Stephen's Midwestern parents pay them a surprise visit. Meanwhile, Jenny and Damon tell their parents they are engaged: Matt's parents, Midwestern paramilitary fanatics, take it as a sign to gather their group to invade New York. Jenny's father is the local Mob boss who employs Stephen and Danny as enforcers. He's unhappy that Jenny is marrying someone who is neither Sicilian nor Catholic. Stephen's parents know he's gay, they just don't know what his job is. Here come the parents; will the children survive? All roads lead to the engagement party.
[light jazzy music]
So, Richard, are you allowed to tell us
what's going to be in tomorrow's column?
Haven't written it yet.
You haven't written it yet?
Would you believe that
nothing of interest has happened
in the last 24 hours?
If there aren't
any scandaIs
by midnight, l'm going to have
to make something up.
You know how l hate
to do that.
I have missed you.
l haven't seen you
all summer,
and, oh, my god,
you've both got
more gorgeous.
l hate you.
Hi, Richard.
Look what we brought.
Chocolates!
Mm-mm-mm.
How is he?
My father?
He's fine, Stephen. He's fine.
What, do you think he's going
to evaporate if you go
one day
without seeing him?
Bruno here yet?
And ruin his entrance?
You know he never gets here
before you two.
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's going to be
a bumpy night.
This season, l am paying
for my ticket, Stephen.
I mean it.
For Christ's sake, Cheryl,
let them pay for it.
With what my father
pays them,
believe me,
they can afford it.
And we're worth
every penny.
Says who?
Oh, l don't know; your father.
Your mother,
your brothers.
Shall we?
l can't wait to see
the look on Stephen's face.
What?
What's the matter?
l'm just not sure
about this.
Jack, this is
your birthday present.
This is what you said
you wanted.
Visiting him
is what l wanted.
Making it a surprise
was your idea.
You remember when he was little.
He loved surprises.
Ada, he's not
a kid anymore.
He's all grown up.
So you didn't think the soprano
sounded a little flat.
She sounded fine to me.
l think
she sounded flat.
She was fine.
But Ricci was magnificent.
lncredible.
Excuse us.
Nobody sees Mr. Ricci
during intermission.
Max, l told you l didn't want
to see anybody.
Bravo, Maestro.
You were
terrific.
Oh, boys.
Where's Max?
Max?
My bodyguard.
He's not out here.
You got a bodyguard?
Make enemies
with the wrong people...
How's your pop,
Danny?
He's good,
real good.
He listens to your records
all the time.
Pardon my eating
Iike this, boys.
15 minutes, Mr. Ricci!
Boys, excuse me.
My love to your parents.
l mean that.
Boys, l said
please excuse me.
You gamble
too much, Maestro.
Even money you don't have,
you lose,
borrow to pay it back.
And the worst part is,
you end up owing
your friends money.
What the hell
is it to you?
You were supposed to pay
Victor Patrizzi $40,000
in August.
lt's now September.
To treat a man
like Don Patrizzi in this way,
well, it shows
a lack of respect.
Respect.
l should give
an asshole like that respect?
Do you have any money with you?
You usually carry a blank check.
This is what
Patrizzi sends me,
a couple of fairies
in diapers?
Now, you listen
to me, girls.
You tell Victor Patrizzi
he'll get his money
when l'm good and ready!
Now get out
before Max throws you out.
Relax, Maestro.
Breathe through your nose.
The blank check,
where is it?
Through your nose,
Maestro.
There you go.
Breathe through your nose.
That's it.
Don't swallow.
There you go.
You're going to have
to help us out here,
Maestro.
You need to write out
a check made to ''cash''
for $40,000.
Do you have enough money
in your account to cover this?
No.
That's fine.
Today's Saturday.
You have
till Wednesday.
You okay,
Maestro?
Here;
drink some water.
There you go.
Sing a good second half,
all right?
We're all counting
on you.
You sound great
out there.
Well, that was
a disappointing second act.
What was wrong
with him?
Perhaps
he did it on purpose.
Maybe it was his interpretation
of the role.
lnterpretation?
He looked like he didn't know
where he was.
And his voice,
oh!
That was a terrible thing
to say, you know.
What?
About Stephen being
all grown up.
You said it to hurt me,
didn't you?
Or did you forget I just
happen to be his mother?
Who are you calling?
Stephen.
We're going to see him
in two days.
And l haven't spoken to him
in almost a week.
You'll pardon me, Jack,
if l want to make sure
everything's all right
with my only son.
Ada, what are you afraid
will happen?
He lives in New York City!
What am l afraid will happen?
Your life isn't worth
a stick of gum in that city.
l got it!
Hello?
Hi.
Good. And you?
Sure, sure, just a second.
Honey!
Honey, it's your mother.
l'm in the shower.
Oh, he's in the shower.
No, no, no, nothing's wrong.
The hospital?
Where do you get these ideas,
Mrs. Torcelli?
Yes, l read the papers.
No, that only happens to people
who go jogging alone at night.
Stephen never goes
jogging alone at night.
Murder capital of the world?
No.
New York is much safer now.
Yes,
l've heard of them.
Mrs. Torcelli,
l wouldn't know where
to find a crack house
if l wanted to.
Yeah, business is going
real well.
Yeah, really well.
Yeah.
We've been making a killing.
Mrs. Torcelli,
yeah, l got another call
coming through.
It's a customer.
Yeah, day and night.
You know, catering business,
cutthroat.
All right.
Good-bye, Mrs. Torcelli.
l feel like an idiot
every time l talk to her.
What's so idiotic
about the idea
of us running
a catering company?
Stephen, we can't cook.
Are we ever going
to tell your parents
what we do
for a living?
Danny, l don't think
they could handle it.
Oh, they couldn't handle it
or you couldn't handle
them knowing?
Hey, fellas.
Busy night.
Been a lot of that?
ls he in back?
He's waiting for you.
l'll see you later.
Hey, Stephen.
Hey, Danny.
Good costume.
Looking good.
Hey.
How you doing, guys?
Vito.
Vito, wake up.
You're here alone
with your father.
You're supposed
to be bodyguarding.
l am bodyguarding.
Do you realize what an honor it is
to be trusted with your father's life?
Does he know you're asleep?
l wasn't asleep.
l can't believe
you guys thought l was asleep.
Where's your brother?
He's out front.
He's in the back
sewing costumes again, isn't he?
Frankie
sewing costumes?
Did he make
Tania's new outfit?
l don't know what--
Frankie.
You know what it does
to your father
when he sees you sewing;
watch your head.
You're supposed
to be managing the club.
l am.
l am managing the club.
Yeah? What about the drunk guy
with the tattoos?
Tattoos?
Yeah, Leo and Eddie had
to take him out.
What would your kids say
if they saw you now?
They'd be proud.
You know what this means.
Uh-huh.We said if we ever
got engaged--
No, no.
Damon, we talked
about this.
Talked about what?
Damon.
lt's time
to tell our parents.
So...
how did it go?
Oh, my boys,
my boys.
Did you pass Vito
on the way in?
Why aren't the two of you
Sicilian?
Then you could take over
the family
after l die.
We don't want to take over
the family, Padrone.
He's a good son.
You have two good sons.
They love you.
4:00 in the morning.
Honey--
We have to get all the way
to lndianapolis by tomorrow.
lt's our first trip
to see Stephen and Danny.
l want everything
to be perfect.
Right.
All over,
we're being chased out.
First the fish market,
then the garbage trucks.
How are we going
to make a living?
lt's almost like
we're being forced into drugs.
Please, drugs.
You know
how l feel about drugs.
lt's easy for you, Victor.
lt's never easy.
Do l look like a mushroom,
Victor?
Stop feeding me bullshit;
You should pardon the expression.
You're exaggerating
the difference between us.
As l said before, bullshit.
You should again pardon
the expression.
l always say,
''Stick with what you know.
''Stick with what works.
Stick with what's clean.''
The numbers,
there's a clean business.
Unions,
there's a clean business.
Prostitution,
there's a clean business.
Oh, Damon, my boy.
l can't believe it.
Engaged.
What did you say
her name was?
l didn't.
lt's Jenny.
Jenny Patrizzi.
ls she pretty?
Matt.
She's beautiful.
What did you say
her family does?
Dear?
What does her father do?
For a living.
Yoo-hoo!
l don't know?
Now, about
the blue fish--
Blue fish.
And to drink?
How do they grill that?
lt's in a mustard remoulade.
Doesn't it turn flaky?
Well, how would you describe
the consistency?
lt's somewhere
between sole and tuna.
Oh.
That comes
with avocado polenta.
How does that--
Vito.
l think
Mr. Levine is hungry.
Okay.
l'll have...
He'll have whatever
he was talking about.
The blue fish.
He'll have the blue fish.
Okay.
Victor,
the things you're up on.
Wireless this,
internet that.
You're as old as l am.
Who taught you all that?
lt's the 21 st century, Marvin.
Got to look forward,
not back.
You know
what you are, Victor?
You're a genius.
You're a goddamn genius.
Would you excuse me?
l have to--
Vito, Mr. Levine
is talking.
Well, he's just embarrassed
to hear me talk
about you like that.
You have to go
to the bathroom?
Yes.
All right, go, go.
What, are you crazy,
Victor?
Leaving you alone?
He had to go.
Well, since when
do you sit in public
without a bodyguard?
You don't see me letting my son
go take a piss, do you?
l'd make him pee
in his pants right here.
Tell him; tell him.
Bodyguard?
He's not my bodyguard.
Those are my bodyguards.
Those guys?
Victor.
They're figureless.
Animals.
Those guys?
You know what?
They're tougher
than they look.
Tougher than they look?
lmagine.
Vito, you're supposed
to be in the bathroom.
You left your father's table
for this.
What would he say
if he saw you?
Let's go.
Do you even have to go
to the bathroom?
Please tell me you did.
Tell me you didn't lie
to your father on purpose.
You're going
to be Padrone one day.
What's the matter
with you?
So how did you guys meet?
We were Army Rangers
together.
This was before
''don't ask, don't tell.''
We asked.
We told.
So what does this
make Patrizzi?
A fairy godfather?
You have an upset stomach
or something?
No.
Old man, get in the car!
Get the car--now!
Must be Levine.
You go.
What about you?
l'll stay with him;
you go.
Hurry up, hurry up!
You okay?
Your job is, before they
drive off with your father,
you make them
kill you first.
Okay?
You know we'd love to come
and visit you in New York, son,
but I don't know
if I'll have the time.
Of course he'll have
the time, dear.
You'll make the time.
l just don't want to get
his hopes up for nothing.
Nonsense.
Of course we'll go.
Of course we'll go.
Damon, darling,
could we please talk more
about this later?
Sure, Mom.
Mom, Dad, I Iove you.
Oh, we love you too, son.
Oh, boy.
Alma, we can't go
to New York.
New York's a stronghold
of the occupation army.
That phone call
was a sign.
But Damon isn't even
in the movement.
A sign from the Lord.
Oh, god, Matt,
l think it may finally be time.
Alma, in our lifetime?
The days of the so-called
federal so-called government
are coming to an end.
Matt, it's time to attack.
But, Alma, New York.
l mean, l always thought
the final struggle
would begin
in their capital.
No, in Washington,
the enemy is strong.
ln New York, they're weak.
Come.
The others are probably here.
I'm fine.
I can see you're fine, Papa.
l'm not worried
about what happened today.
l'm worried about what could--
They weren't
after me.
l feel better when Stephen and Danny
are with you.
Why can't they be
with you all the time?
Because they're busy.
They run my whole operation.
Someone else can.
Who? Who someone?
Vito and Frankie?
Vito and Frankie.
Let's go play upstairs
in the famiIy room.
Why?
Why are you always talking bad
about your sons, Victor?
And with their children sitting
right here.
A soldier must inspire fear,
Stella.
Vito and Frankie
do not inspire fear.
Of course they inspire fear.
l'm afraid of them.
Everybody's afraid of them.
Stephen, Danny, tell him
how afraid you are
of Vito and Frankie.
The dancing girls at the cIub
are not afraid
of Vito and Frankie.
Stick to cooking.
My wife.
I beg her to let me
get her a maid.
Why should you spend
your whole day in the kitchen?
Of course l spend
my whole day in the kitchen.
l'm afraid to step out
of the kitchen,
because l'm afraid
of Vito and Frankie.
l'm their mother,
but still l'm afraid of them.
People are afraid of you
if you are a killer.
Vito and Frankie
are not killers.
Of course they're killers.
Who says they're not killers?
What, because they haven't
killed anyone?
That's because
you haven't asked them.
Vito!
Vito, get in here.
Mama, this is--
l'm frightened
just thinking about them.
Vito, your father
wants you
to kill someone.
She's crazy, Vito.
l'm not crazy;
tell him, Victor.
Mama,
what are you doing?
Red wine instead of marsala?
We talked about this.
The wine is going
to overpower the veal.
l don't know
what you're talk--
l don't know what
he's talking about.
He's never talked
about marsala with me.
Go back upstairs, please.
Go. You hear me?
Go.
Boys, tell my husband.
Tell him--
Mama, enough.
Don't try to put Stephen
and Danny in the middle.
Maybe Vito and Frankie
aren't cut out
to go into the business.
Maybe they should do
something else.
Vito is a talented cook
and a baker.
And have you seen some
of the clothes
that Frankie has made?
May God forgive you
for what you're saying.
Frankie doesn't want
to sew clothes.
Storia finita.
Of course he does!
Sophie, didn't Frankie
make you this blouse?
Um...
no, no, he bought it.
In a store.
Mommy!
Mary, it's time to go home.
Ciao bella.
Ah!
Don't worry about Vito
and Frankie, Stella.
Before l die,
they'll be ready
to take their place
in the business.
Stop talking
about dying, Papa.
You see how upset
it makes Stephen and Danny.
Besides, l've got something
l want to tell you.
Mommy?
Yes, sweetie?
How come Uncle Danny
and Uncle Stephen live together?
Well, because
they love each other
like Mommy and Daddy love
each other.
Which one's the mommy,
and which one's the daddy?
l'll have to get back to you
on that one, honey.
Jenny.
Engaged?
That's not a Sicilian name.
Papa, this is one of the reasons
l didn't want to tell you.
He isn't Sicilian.
He isn't ltalian.
He's not even Catholic.
He's an Episcopalian,
and he comes from Wisconsin.
Not Sicilian?
You never even
mentioned him.
We both decided
not to tell our parents
until we were engaged.
Not ltalian?
What does he do,
this Damon?
He's an editor
at Random House.
What's Episcopalian?
Protestant, Stella.
He's not Catholic?
Jenny, engaged?
And what does his family do?
They're good people.
From the heartland.
Soldiers!
The planning stage
is finally over.
The great day
is finally upon us.
lt is time to take action.
Sons and daughters
of the colonists
must rise up, rise up!
Sit down, Matt.
The second
American revolution
will start in the city
of bankers
and lawyers and fleshpots
and sex clubs.
They don't stand a chance!
Hello.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mom.
What?
l said, ''Hi, Mom.''
You have to speak louder,
it's very noisy here.
Sorry.
What is all that noise?
That's why l'm calling.
Your father and I have decided
to surprise you.
What?
Well, let me
put it this way:
we're cruising comfortably
at--what is it, Jack?
29,000 feet.
Mom, are you on a plane?
Guess where
we're headed?
Where?
lt's your father's birthday
Saturday,
so since he hasn't seen you
in such a long time,
we decided the perfect gift
would be a trip to New York
to visit you and Danny.
Can you pick us up
at the airport?
The John F. Kennedy
airport at 2:30.
You know how nervous I am
about New York,
and to have to get
into a taxi--
Stephen?
l'm still here, Mom.
One more question.
Do you have any jobs
Saturday?
Jobs?
Catering jobs.
Uh, no.
Since it's
your father's birthday,
wouldn't it be nice
to give him a big dinner party?
You know,
invite all your friends.
That way, we can meet them
and the people
who work for you.
People who work for us?
The cooks and bakers.
You know, the whole company.
Plus your father and l
will get a chance
to sample your cooking.
We're going to be so proud.
Mom?
l don't think
this is such a great idea,
a whole big dinner like that.
Don't be silly;
it'll be just the thing.
Your father's very excited
about it.
Aren't you, dear?
He's very excited.
l still do not understand.
What is the problem?
Bruno, my parents don't know
about us.
What, that you two
are a couple?
They think you share
the same apartment
and you don't sleep
together?
Oh, Stephen.
Your mother's
a grown woman.
Don't be ridiculous;
they know that.
They don't know
what we do.
Oh, they think we run
a catering business.
A catering business,
how can that be?
You can't even cook.
l keep hearing that.
lf you hadn't agreed
to the birthday party,
you'd have nothing
to worry about.
Do you have any idea
how many weapons we have
in our house?
Don't take them in the rooms
where you keep the stuff.
lt's all the rooms.
Can't you put it all
in one place for a few days?
That's what
the Branch Davidians did.
You think if they stayed
in a hotel--
They are not staying
in a hotel.
Would you just listen
to me?
You can hide
the weapons.
You do it every time
the police come by.
You can do it now.
So what about the dinner?
Do what Mickey and Judy
would have done.
Mickey?
Rooney.
Judy?
Garland.
Mickey and Judy?
Miss Garland to you.
Mickey and Judy
were never--
What did they do
when they were in any fix?
A surefire solution
to all of life's problems.
They put on a show.
Aw.
Stephen, a big, elaborate
ruse like this,
it's just going to dig us
deeper and deeper.
Danny, there's something
you don't know.
lt's about my father.
The FBl.
The FBl?
l thought he was
a carpet salesman.
That's what
he tells people.
He's undercover,
deep cover.
Spies, assassinations,
l don't know.
But, Stephen, the FBl?
What will people say?
Now you see why
we can't--
He's not
a carpet salesman.
All this time.
We can't let him know.
We talked
about carpeting together.
He'd have to turn us in.
- SColor schemes.
He'd be consorting
with known criminals.
Swatches.
We'd go to jail.
l thought he'd help us
recarpet the living room.
Are you hearing
one word l'm saying?
You lived with this
all this time.
Why didn't you tell me?
He made me swear.
Even my mother doesn't know.
He only told me 'cause l found
an Uzi hidden in the cellar.
TR-6 from '81
with a repeating device.
Cool.
l didn't believe him
at first,
so he showed me
around the headquarters,
which was outstanding.
You should see
the stuff they have.
Cool; l still can't believe
you didn't tell me.
Danny, l couldn't.
l told you--
l told you about--
What could you possibly
have told me about
that is any way comparable
to this.
You know.
That you had a girlfriend
in college?
Well, that and--
The two of you had sex?
Danny, Danny, if my father
finds out about us,
he'd have to turn us in.
Except you know he wouldn't;
he'd turn in
his own badge first.
Well, we can't let him
do that.
Poor old guy.
Well, we'd have to quit
the family,
l mean really quit for good.
And you know what.
lt'd break
the Padrone's heart.
Without the family
behind us--
We've stepped
on so many toes.
Now those people
are afraid of us,
but if we ever leave
the family...
our lives wouldn't be worth
a stick of gum, Danny.
Not a stick of gum.
Well, he has to be told.
We can't let him find out
some other way.
Do you want me
to tell him?
Yes.
Okay, first of all,
make sure he understands--
Papa!
Stephen and Danny
have something
they want to tell you.
l'll get right to the point, Padrone.
lt's about my--my parents.
Yes, how are they, Stephen?
Good, good,
they're good.
You know, l'd like to meet them.
When do you think
that'll happen?
Soon.
The thing is, Padrone,
l haven't been totally honest
with them.
Not honest?
You might even say
l've lied to them
about certain aspects
of my life.
My intentions were good,
and l think
l had good reason,
but the fact remains
that l lied.
And I now know,
I truly beIieve
that this was wrong.
Stephen, l know
what you're getting at.
And l want you to know
that although l think,
you know, as a rule,
children should never lie
to their parents,
l can understand
what you did.
Really, Padrone?
You know, I, of course,
am very comfortable with
your and Danny's relationship.
But then I'm
a sophisticated man.
l live in a big city,
whereas they're from...
lndiana. Um--
Your parents may need time.
Maybe they need
to meet Danny
and see what a wonderful thing
you have together.
To tell you the truth--
Do you think it would help
if l spoke to them?
Padrone...
l haven't told them
about all of this.
I haven't toId them
about you.
He's hurt.
His feelings are hurt.
He understood.
lf not, he wouldn't
have okayed our plan.
''Our'' plan?
Jenny, you should--
Stephen.
You spend all your time
taking care of us.
Now it's time for us
to help you for a change.
lt's just, l've never
disappointed them before.
lt's hard.
Pardon me.
But you make
a beautiful couple.
Thank you.
Wish we didn't have
to strip down like this.
They're going to want
to hug us.
l feel naked.
l've already said you could
bring your brass knuckles.
Want to take your ankle piece?
Take your ankle piece.
l think
you missed one, dear.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Remember, Matt, every weapon
we leave behind
gives us one less weapon
to fight the enemy.
Yeah.
Now, remember,
- it's Don Patrizzi,
not ''mister.''
There's nothing
to worry about.
lf you want to worry,
then worry about meeting
and Stephen and Danny.
Why, you think they'll make
a pass at me?
No.
But they will kill you
if they think
you're not treating me right.
l thought we could go
to the hotel first
and drop off the bags.
Hotel?
Mom, you're staying here.
Oh, we don't want you
to feel cramped.
We're not going
to feel cramped.
There's plenty
of room.
How much room can there be
in an apartment?
lt's not
an apartment, Mom.
We have the whole house.
Oh, pardon me.
My!
Look at this.
All this
from catering?
The funny thing is,
l didn't know Stephen knew
how to cook.
Look at these ceilings.
lt's going to be hard to go back
to our place, Jack, after this.
lt'll seem so small.
Look at these floors.
Oh, and those windows!
How do you keep the place warm
in the winter?
Well, l guess
when you're young--
Oh, look at you!
Oh, what a sweetheart.
Oh, do they really
make you run
up and down
all these stairs?
No wonder
you're so skinny.
My god!
How many soaps and lotions
do you need
to wash yourself
every day?
Well, you know,
there's different products
for day and evening.
You know, dry weather,
rainy weather.
Sometimes your hair
just gets oily
for no reason at all, and--
You mean to tell me
your hair needs both
rosemary mint equalizing
conditioning rinse
and freeze and shine
super spray?
And what is this word,
''jo-jo-ba''?
Jojoba.
How do you keep track
of all of this?
Oh, it's alphabetized.
Alphabetized?
Well, so it is.
Jack, did you hear?
It's alphabetized.
l heard.
Please get up.
Oh, yes.
l haven't seen
any closets.
Ah...
My god! You have more clothes
than l do,
and l'm a woman.
Men can have a lot
of clothes too, Mom.
So l see.
And, you know,
Stephen's an autumn,
and l'm a spring, so we really
can't share anything.
They used to have
dance marathons here
in the '30s.
My father closed it up
years ago.
l haven't been here
since l was a little girl.
Wow, look at this.
These moldings, the columns.
The chandelier!
ls there anyplace else,
Jenny?
A better place than this
for your banquet?
You're kidding,
right?
Well, it looks like
it could use a little work.
Well, we'll hire
a decorator
to spruce it up.
We'll get a professional chef.
The place has a great kitchen.
And how's this?
We'll get the guys
to serve the dinner.
You really think
they'd do that?
Stephen, trust me.
They love you.
They don't just work
for you,
they would die for you.
They'll certainly do this
for you.
No way!
I don't think so.
All right, all right, enough.
And after all
that Stephen and Danny have done for you.
Eddie, who talked
to your son's football coach
when he wasn't letting
your son play enough?
Stephen and Danny.
How often
does your son play now?
Every game.
What?
Every game.
And Leo.
Who made
your daughter's boyfriend
leave town and never come back?
Stephen and Danny.
Who?
Stephen and Danny.
Mm-hmm.
And you, Chuck.
Remember when that casino
wouldn't give you credit
anymore?
Who went and had a pow-wow
with the chief?
Stephen and Danny.
How much credit
do they give you now?
10 grand.
How much?
10 grand.
And may God forgive you all
for not saying ''yes'' right away.
You know, it's not
the cooking part
that bothers me.
lt's making believe we're gay.
Gay?
Why gay?
Come on, a catering company
in Manhattan
run by two gay guys?
Stephen and Danny run
the family.
We're not gay.
Yeah,
but we're soIdiers.
Here, we're talking
about pastry chefs.
l can't do gay.
l think l could pull it off.
How am I supposed to do gay?
Act like Stephen and Danny.
They act like the rest of us.
Well, they dress nicer.
They dance
a little different too.
They're cuter.
I don't want
to take any chances.
Jenny's mad enough
at us aIready.
We're not going to take
any chances.
We need an expert.
What?
l think l know someone.
For those of you
who haven't yet been acquainted,
this is Mr. Grayson.
Good friend
of Stephen and Danny's.
Some of youse may have
seen him around the club.
Well, l think l've met
some of you there.
Well, Ray l remember,
of course.
And, let's see.
You were there.
And you were there.And you were there.
And you were there too.
Judy Garland.
The Wizard of Oz.
We've got a lot
of work to do.
Jenny.
What is he doing here?
You said you'd get
a professional chef.
Vito's a chef.
Did it ever occur to you
to stop being
my father's slave
and actually think
for a minute?
To my father,
everything you touch
turns to gold.
lf he sees Vito
pull this off,
see Vito save the day
for you and Danny,
he'll look at him
differently.
Maybe he'll actually start
to respect him a little.
Would that be
so bad?
We're not doing this
to your father, Jenny.
You'd be heIping him.
Will you at least think
about it?
Okay.
Vito, did you hear?
Stephen says it's okay!
And Frankie will do up
the room.
Frankie!
What?
Frankie, get in here!
Frankie.
What are you doing here?
Nothin'.
We're having a big party
for 50 people,
and you're going
to decorate it.
You mean choose
the color scheme,
the fabrics,
everything?
Choose?
We want you
to make them.
Don't mess in my brain,
Jenny.
No.
Vito, is this true?
And l am cooking.
You're--
Yeah!
lt's good.
lt's good.
Let's start with the basics.
97, 98, 99, 100.
Now, it's very important
that you call feel
some connection to gay history.
Mr. EIton John.
Miss EIIen DeGeneres.
Miss J. Edgar Hoover.
Some 17th-century queen.
Shirley Booth as Hazel.
Last but by no means least,
Wishbone.
Maybe if you had come
to me first.
lt is my sons
we're talking about.
Papa, be reasonable.
Jenny, you heard
your father.
As if they would even
have time.
Vito will probably
be out
doing a contract
on someone,
and Frankie will be out
stealing something.
Stella,
maybe if Vito can cook
for a party like this--
And leave the family business
for good?
They're not children
anymore.
Then you need to start
letting them do more
in the business.
Papa's tried, Mama.
He's tried.
He's tried.
Basta!
This is for Stephen and Danny.
We'll do it for them.
Come, Stella.
You'll buy a new dress, hmm?
Frankie said he wanted
to make you one.
You'll be
the prettiest woman there.
And you know who
I'll invite also?
The senator.
The senator.
Mm-hmm.
Well, Victor, let's see.
l, uh--
Pete, are you there?
Uh, it just isn't
a good night.
Yeah, you see,
l have this...
thing.
ls someone there with you,
Pete?
No, Victor.
Pete, l wonder how my father
would handle this.
l think he would have said,
''Peter, do you know
''what you are to me
besides being my friend?
''You're like a bank,
a favor bank.
l put the favors in;
l take the favors out.''
What do you think, Pete?
Have l done favors for you?
Yes, Victor, but--
''Now, what would you say
if l put money in a bank,
''and when l tried
to take it out,
the banker told me l couldn't?''
Well, l--of course,
l would--
What happened to the money,
Pete?
Did it disappear?
Did it get up and walk away?
l mean,
if the money isn't there,
it's because someone stole it.
''The banker?
The banker stole my money?''
What do you think should happen
to such a person, Pete?
Well, I-I-I can't--
8:00.
And don't be late.
8:00.
Yes, Victor,
l look forward to it.
Right.
See you then.
Bye-bye.
l'm so glad the three of you
are finally meeting.
Jenny,
can we talk to you
for a second?
Do you ever think
about anybody but yourself?
What?
You never told us anything
about this relationship.
lt's as if, mentally,
you've already left.
You two, what am l going
to do with you?
And we don't know
the first thing about him.
ls he even nice to you?
He's very nice to me.
You don't know
what men are Iike.
She doesn't know
what men are like.
But if he wants trouble--
We'll give him
trouble.
Kill him.
l swear
we'll kill him.
You think
we're kidding?
We'll mess him up.
And there's nothing you can say
that will stop us.
Oh, you two.
We love you, Jenny.
Damon.
Congratulations.
Welcome to the family.
You've got to cancel,
Senator.
You'll be crucified
in the media.
Well, Jesus
was crucified too.
Okay, but l'm going with you
to that dinner.
Understood?
Tim--
l am going with you
to that dinner.
Hmm? Well, what did l tell you?
Stephen and Danny,
aren't they great?
Yeah, they sure do talk.
Well, they do more
than just talk.
What's the matter?
lt's just, this is all
so new to me,
this atmosphere
of violence.
Well, good morning,
you two.
Good morning,
Mom.
Morning, boys.
Please don't feed him
from the table, Mom.
I couId get used
to having a maid around.
Please don't feed him
from the table, Mom.
Monty, corner.
You two got in late
last night.
We were working.
Till 3:00 in the morning?
lt was a big job.
You told us you didn't have
any parties this week.
Well, this one came up
at the last minute.
lt was an emergency.
An emergency party?
We should really
get going.
What are you
working on today?
Oh, the usual.
Salads, stews.
Coffee.
Pomegranates.
You know. Ooh!
Stephen.
Who's there?
Stephen, honey.
Mom, what is it?
l have a question to ask you.
May l come in?
l can hear you just fine.
Well, l can't hear you.
Can l come in?
lt's a mess in here.
Come downstairs.
We can't, Mom;
we're in a hurry.
Of all the foolish--
We've got a--
Why is this door locked?
Mom, we've got
all our stuff in here.
It's kind of private.
Ada, can't this wait till later?
l know what they must be doing.
At this hour?
They said they had to leave.
That maid of theirs
is with them.
We're not in lndiana anymore.
Two words, honey:
puh-lease.
Two words, honey:
please.
Two words, honey:
puh-lease!
Two words, honey:
please?
Ooh, ooh! Can l try?
Yes, come on.
Two words, honey:
puh-lease!
Eggshell.
l said eggshell. Does this look
like eggshell to you?
l can't make napkins
from this.
Have you thought about that?
I mean, you know how some
gay men caII each other ''her. ''
''Forget her. '' Her.
''Such a queen.''
What about lesbians?
Do they use ''him''?
''Forget him. ''
''He's such a king.''
Richard, do you mind sitting
next to Cynthia St. Charles?
Or Freddie the Chin.
l'd rather drink ink.
Now, about that dinner.
l've got to go
to a costume party first.
It's a benefit.
You're going to make it,
aren't you?
Well, l'll be late.
Figure around 1 0:00.
Well, don't be
too late.
lt's going to be a blast.
Glory, glory,
hallelujah.
You sure you want to do this?
Vito, we can handle it;
we want to help,
and we should know something
about the food
in case Stephen's parents
ask about it.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, the most complicated part
of the dinner
is the dessert.
Ricotta cheesecake.
Now, I'm going to go see
if the ricotta's here.
Meanwhile, you can start
by heating this up.
Uh, Vito?
Uh, just nuke it.
ln the microwave.
Maybe it's this one:
''meal reheat.''
l mean, they have
to have heated it
before they
condensed it, right?
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa. Think we should put them in
with the wrappers?
Yeah, why not?
Vito,
are we supposed
to put the cans in
with the wrappers,
without the wrappers,
or doesn't it really
make a difference?
l bet it doesn't make
a difference.
What?
Thanks for doing this again,
Vito.
No, no,
we're really sorry.
Hey, it's my fault.
Okay, next time,
it's going to be different,
cause
we're totally psyched.
Psyched.
Great.
Okay, look.
l've been thinking
about it, guys.
And you shouldn't waste
your time on dessert.
l mean, after all,
it's only dessert, right?
You should work
on the important stuff,
like the goose liver pate.
Okay, now, you start
by boiling the eggs.
Three minutes.
No, no, no.
Now, you see,
this is why it was my fault.
You use this pan.
Now, you wait
until the water is boiling,
and then you take the eggs,
and you add them.
Three minutes.
Now, after the eggs
are boiled,
you take the goose liver.
lt's very expensive.
And then you mash it in
with the eggs, okay?
Boil the eggs--
And mash in
the goose liver.
That's it.
So what do we use
to do the mashing?
Call me
when you're done.
Ah, that's a good one.
How are you guys doing?
Shh.
No problem.
Done?
lt's mashed.
Uh! ?
There he is,
my boy!
You made it.
When God is on
your side, son...
What?
Nothing.
Dear, your father is tired
after a long trip.
Who are all those people?
People?
What--
Hmm? Oh! Those people.
Well, that is--
That's our church group.
They wanted
to see New York,
and they were afraid
they would get lost,
so they followed us here.
And--not to worry.
They're staying
in a hotel.
Well, hi!
Okay.
Who was she married to
in March 1953?
Michael Wilding.
November 1975?
Richard Burton.
First marriage
or second?
Second?
Very good.
January 1952.
Nicky Hilton.
How could she be married
to Nicky Hilton in 1952
when she divorced him
in 1951 ?
She wasn't married
to anybody.
She was
in between husbands.
Right.
Come on, Grayson.
That's a trick question.
That's not a trick question;
that's basic material.
The dinner is tomorrow.
Now, pull yourselves
together!
So when do we get
to meet her?
Soon.
l didn't want to do
too much at once.
Oh, weII, honey,
don't worry about us.
We want to see
all the sights.
You know, Wall Street,
Empire State Building,
City Hall.
All those big, beautiful
government buildings.
Especially
the government buildings.
Because we love
the government.
So, anyway, a friend of mine
invited me to one
of her Straight Women Loving
Other Straight Women meetings.
Cheryl!
What?
Cheryl.
What?
Straight Women Loving
Other Straight Women.
What the hell is that?
Like us announcing
we're straight men
that love
other straight men?
But you and Stephen are gay.
l mean, this is straight women
who love other straight women.
Okay.
At least it gets me out
of the house.
You'll get out tomorrow
for our dinner, right?
Of course.
How are the preparations coming?
Perfect.
...You can sing
most anything...
Do re mi fa so
la ti do
Oh, you won't be imposing.
Of course you'll come.
l don't even have
anything to wear.
Yeah, sure you do, dear.
Remember, you brought that dress
for the victory celebration.
Ooh. You know, now
that he mentions it,
l do have
a little something.
Oh, good.
And l can introduce you
to Senator Bloomer.
Senator Bloomer?
From New York.
A United States senator?
Uh-huh.
Tell me, is he
an important senator?
And he's coming
to your dinner?
He's a friend
of my father's.
What does your father do again?
He's in catering
He's a businessman.
Sorry?
What?
He's in the catering
business.
It's his company
that's catering
the dinner.
Oh, there's one thing.
This employee
of my father's
whose parents are going
to be there
told them that it's
actually his company,
so if you meet them,
don't let on, okay?
Okay.
Can you keep a secret?
Oh, l think we can.
l can't stand the idea
of leaving him alone all night.
Honey, we'll be back
in a few hours.
Jack, look at him.
How wouId you Iike it
if I Ieft you aIone
for hours with nothing
but a bowl of dog food?
Ada, he's a dog.
Come on.
Oh, God, l can't believe it.
l thought
you'd seen it already.
Yeah, but not like this.
Where's Frankie?
We've been looking
all over for him.
Oh, he couldn't handle it;
he was too nervous.
l told him
l'd call him later
and tell him
how everything looks.
Hi.
Those are Victor Patrizzi's
gay lieutenants.
If they ask you for anything,
the answer is ''no. ''
Tim, look.
We're here.
You may not like it.
l may not
like it much either.
But we're here,
and l intend
to have a good time.
So relax.
Oh!
lt's beautiful.
Did you ever have
such a birthday party
in your life,
Jack?
And look at all of you.
l always say everyone
looks better in black tie.
You need something.
A carnation. There should be a tray
of carnations
right here so all the men
could have one.
WouIdn't that make everything
even prettier?
She wants carnations.
Find some.
Find some carnations.
Roger that.
Oh, Damon, dear,
you look so handsome.
And Jenny.
What a pretty dress.
Stephen, Danny, these
are Damon's parents.
How do you do?
Stephen, Danny,
nice to meet you.
So, is that senator here?
Yeah.
He's right over there.
Would you like
to meet him?
Uh, no.
No, l just--l wanted
to know where he was.
Right.
Shall we?
Nice to meet you.
What do you think
you're doing?
Do you want
to give us all away?
Thank you.
Mom, Dad.
I just wanted
to introduce you
to Don--Mr. Patrizzi.
Donald.
It's a pleasure.
Do you work for my son?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
But Donald is a very
distinguished member
of the culinary community.
And we're very honored
to have him
on our staff.
Well, I can tell
you've made
an excellent impression
on my son, Donald.
lt always helps
to get in good with the boss.
Oh!
You do have carnations.
Red? White?
What are the whites?
We have Mont Monet,
and we also have Mont Blanc.
No California whites?
l just love
California whites.
Whichever.
Find some California whites.
So there are 18 seconds to go.
Shaq gets the ball,
drives the--
Ooh!
l love
basketball.
Yeah? Good, so do I.
My favorite player
was Dennis Rodman.
Oh, Denn-is Rod-man.
Love to get my balls
in his basket.
Sammy.
ls something
the matter?
I'm fine.
But it looks like somebody
around here needs
to lose
a little 'tude.
What's going on?
ls your tiara on
crooked again?
This is delicious.
What do you call this?
Yes, Stephen.
What is it?
What is the appetizer?
A California white!
Oh.
Spinach Orloff veloute.
Spinach Orloff veloute.
The appetizer.
lt's spinach Orloff veloute.
Oh. Well, it's lovely.
Fish...or veal, sir?
l don't know;
you choose.
What?
You decide what to give me.
Oh, l know what l'd like
to give you.
But it isn't on the menu.
Eddie.
Eddie!
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
l mean
what are you doing?
Fish or veal, ma'am?
Oh. I hate making these decisions.
Oh, l know.
l mean, l like Judy.
But l like Liza too.
Why should l have
to choose?
Fish.
Oh, get over it, Mary.
Huh?
Nice.
lsn't he wonderful?
She.
Oh, you call them ''she.''
l call all women ''she.''
She's a woman?
l thought
she was a drag queen.
You know, a man dressed
like a woman.
l know what
a drag queen is, Mom.
Are we going
to see any?
l mean, just plain old women,
l can see in lndiana.
Oh, well.
Maybe next time.
Find some drag queens.
Drag queens?
Where are we going
to find drag queens?
Greenwich Village.
Everybody knows that.
Danny and l would like
to thank you all
for coming tonight.
And l want most of all
to toast
the birthday boy--person.
The best father that ever lived,
my father,
who made us promise not
to sing him Happy Birthday.
But in his honor,
Vito has--
has helped
Danny and me bake him a cake.
To my father.
Buon compleanno.
Buon
compleanno.
Ooh, excuse me.
Do you where we could find
some drag queens around here?
Come on.
Excuse me.
You know where we could find
some drag queens?
Girlfriend,
if you have to ask.
l have never seen
such a gorgeous cake.
How did you--
uh, uh, uh,
you, l mean all of you.
Oh, my God!
Look at what I've done.
l've ruined
your beautiful cake.
Don't worry, Mama.
Don't worry.
But it was a work
of art.
lt was perfect.
Then you did
the right thing.
We don't want
to offend the gods.
ln ancient Persia,
whenever an artist
created something,
he would include a flaw
on purpose, because
only the gods are supposed
to be perfect.
And so, today,
we introduce a flaw
into something
that otherwise would be perfect,
and we say it is
so as not to offend the gods.
Mr. TorceIIi, a speech.
l'm going to go home
and change this dress.
Okay, sweetheart.
Just a few words.
l'm not prepared for this.
Go ask him.
No,
you go ask him.
Come on, Leo.
No,
you ask him.
Can l help you, sir?
Yeah, any drag queens
around here?
Sure.
There's a place
two blocks down.
lt's called
Jacqueline's.
You can't miss it.
You have a good time,
all right?
Right.
To be honest, nothing
could possibly prepare me
for tonight.
lt's been quite an evening,
and l'll remember it
for as long as--
Don't move!
Put your hands up!
Hands up!
Mom?
Dad?
What's going on?
You too, Damon, honey.
Put your hands up!
Mrs. Jennings.
Now, let's not have
any trouble here.
Now, just put
the gun down.
Don't take another step!
l will shoot;
I swear it.
Nobody's going
to shoot anybody.
We all know that.
Right, Damon?
Right.
Okay, see?
No guns.
Now, why don't you just take
the two of us
and let everyone else go.
Eat shit.
Mother!
She never used language
like that at home.
Cuff those two.
Sorry, dear.
Are you done yet, dear?
Yes, yes, dear.
Thank you.
You are all prisoners of war
in the second war
for American independence!
Our goal is to liberate
our country
from the occupying
federal army,
of which that man...
is a high-ranking officer.
While in our custody,
you will be treated humanely
in accordance with the laws
of the Geneva Convention.
In the meantime...
we will submit
a list of our demands
to your government.
Now, do you see
what we had to do
to these two?
That's because
they're troublemakers.
Anybody else here
a troublemaker?
Anybody else
need to be handcuffed?
Okay, men!
Round 'em up!
Herd 'em in!
Just like the pigs
and heifers at home.
Let's go.
Does Danny always carry
a gun?
Catering business,
very competitive.
What about the guys
in the kitchen?
Do you think--
Will you stop that?
Stop it!
Hands up, ladies,
let's go.
All right, move it!
Move it!
Come on, Matt.
Come on..
I want you
to check out the video room.
Check out the video room.
Make sure it's ready.
Now, just settle down.
Settle down,
nice and easy.
Nice and easy.
That's good.
What the hell kind
of party is this?
Oh!
Stephen, drag queens.
Who are they?
Bunch of big, ugly women.
They all just showed up.
You owe us big-time, white boys.
Come on, girls!
Come on.
Hey, hey,
what are you doing?
Take it easy, Martin.
Did you arrange
for there to be drag queens?
Uh-uh.
Don't look at me.
Is the video ready?
Okay, then.
Upsy daisy,
Senator.
Let's skedaddle.
Just follow me.
Keep an eye on him!
Great.
They have the senator.
Now what do we do?
God, this is worse
than a government party.
Would you watch
what you're doing?
I'm waIking as fast as I can
in these things.
l'm not used to cleats.
What is your name?
Richard, be quiet.
These guys
are serious.
Oh, they think they're all that,
but they're all just cretins.
Do you hear me? Cretins!
Richard, you need--
l need?
l need?
lt's they
who need something.
lt starts with ''p''
and ends with ''rozac.''
Shh!
Great party.
Richard, even if
our dinner hadn't--
why did you teach our men
to act...
Queenie.
Queenie.
Queenie?
Queenie!
Gods!
The internalized homophobia
you two carry around with you
is so toxic.
lt really isn't healthy.
l, at least,
have some pride in myself.
l have dignity.
lt's the costume l wore
to the party.
l didn't change
because l rushed over here.
l didn't want to miss
one fun-filled minute.
Look what l won at the raffle.
They're autographed
by all the Yankees.
Jealous.
12:30.
When l think
of that poor dog all alone,
wondering what's
taking us so long,
he must be in agony.
Damon?
How long
have your parents been leaders
in the militia community?
Don Patrizzi, l don't know
what's wrong with them.
Whatever it is, it happened
after l moved away.
They used to be
the nicest, sweetest people.
l mean, when
the Sicilian Rescue League
asked them to take me,
they said ''yes'' right away.
The what Rescue League?
Sicilian.
You know, from Sicily.
My birth parents were killed
there in the big earthquake
when l was two,
and the League brought me here.
And my parents adopted me.
l wasn't supposed
to tell you that.
Jenny?
Remember that...
thing l wasn't supposed to talk
to your parents about?
So...
you're Sicilian.
What do you think
about what Richard said?
You think we have
internalized homophobia?
I don't know.
Sometimes l wonder if maybe
l need to do this kind of work,
something really tough,
you know, really manly
to almost make up for being gay.
What about you?
lt was something we did
together.
l saw how much you liked it,
how happy you were.
l'm so sorry, Danny.
Why, Stephen?
Why?
lf not for me,
everything would be different.
Stephen, l'm happy.
l'm with you.
Come on;
listen to me.
l'm happy.
Here he is!
So the canary sang.
Here's your Benedict Arnold
of the federal occupying army.
There you go.
Cover him, boys.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
What'd they make you do
in there?
They made me read
this statement,
and they videotaped it.
They're going to send it
to the police.
Did l tell you
no talking?
Get up!
Get up!
Get over there.
Just get over there!
You know, once the police
get that tape,
there'll be 500 cops
all over this place.
That's 500 fingers
on 500 triggers.
All we need
is one rookie to panic.
Let's end this.
She looked right at me
and said,
''Just because
somebody's dead
doesn't mean
they've changed.''
Richard, we need
your balls.
l've wanted this for years,
and now you ask me?
Just give me
the baseballs.
l've only got one left.
l gave the other one away.
Who'd you give it to?
Him.
The senator's aide.
Do you think he's cute?
You're cruising
during a hostage situation?
What is the matter
with you?
The really hot one
is the one right there,
baby.
Buns of steel.
Bruno.
What?
We could all die tonight.
lf they want to kill me,
they're going to have
to rape me first.
Something big is going down.
And someone better tell us
what it is.
Saffron, go find out.
l don't want to go over there
and get all disrespected.
What if he don't want
to tell me?
No one's going
to disrespect you.
Now, take your ass
on over there.
You don't want to have
to make me go myself, do you?
Stephen, look--
No, no, no,
it's not a good time now.
Go away.
That Stephen guy
was very disrespectful.
He told me to go away
and leave him alone.
Miss Thing told you what?
To go away
and leave him alone.
Okay, do we all know
what we're doing?
Okay,
let's do it.
ls this going to work?
Yeah, it's going to work,
because we are going
to grow old together.
Where're you going, sweetheart.
You're done,
Mr. Jennings.
Danny!
Are you all right?
Dad.
Sir.
Stephen and l
want you to know
that we understand.
lf you have a job to do--
Job? What job?
l'm retired.
Remember?
It's my birthday.
60, mandatory retirement
if you're undercover.
Retired?
What are you going to do?
Actually, a carpet salesman
for real.
A carpet salesman?
l've had to learn a lot
about it for my cover.
Really quite interesting.
Here I am.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Actually, l have
some ideas for your place.
All right, officer.
All right.
This has been
the worst day.
Worst day of my life.
You!
You ruined my dinner!
You ruined my revolution!
Why did he say
the dinner was ruined?
l thought it was very good.
So did l.
To tell you the truth,
Mr. Grayson,
being gay was fun and all,
but after a while...
Yeah, l mean,
after a while,
l felt like l was
the purple teletubby.
Oh, please.
As if a gay man would ever have
a body like that.
Was he just calling me fat?
Mom, Dad, all l ask is that
you not make any judgments
till you get to know the people
we work for a little better.
Well, that Stella that
l talked to seemed very nice.
So tell me, honestly,
what surprised you more?
Finding out
about me and Stephen
or finding out that your husband
works for the FBl?
Danny, l haven't--
Oh, God.
l'm so sorry.
Well, l just thought that--
Jack.
Stephen,
why didn't you stop me?
Did you really think
I didn't know?
How could l not know
with that great big Uzi
sitting in the cellar?
Why would he say that
to me?
You think l'm fat?
Girlfriend,
if the pumps fit.
Bitch.
Damon.
We've been speaking
with Don Patrizzi.
He's become
very interested in you
and your future role
in the family.
Future role
in the family?
You're going to be spending
a lot more time
with Danny and me.
Gee, well, you know,
thanks, guys,
but l don't want
to be a bother.
And, you know,
l already have a job.
God, honey,
you look exhausted.
Why don't you let
my parents take you home?
l'm going to stay here
and finish things up
with the boys, okay?
Damon?
Damon.
What are you doing?
Remember what Bruno said?
lf something's perfect,
you have to create a flaw
so as not to offend
the gods.
So as not to offend
the gods.
Stephen? Danny!
Good night!
Good night, Mom.
Night, Dad.
Love you.
Wait a minute;
the drag queens.
We didn't see any of them
do their acts.
Stephen!
Stephen!
Subtitles by bigmim
So, Richard, are you allowed to tell us
what's going to be in tomorrow's column?
Haven't written it yet.
You haven't written it yet?
Would you believe that
nothing of interest has happened
in the last 24 hours?
If there aren't
any scandaIs
by midnight, l'm going to have
to make something up.
You know how l hate
to do that.
I have missed you.
l haven't seen you
all summer,
and, oh, my god,
you've both got
more gorgeous.
l hate you.
Hi, Richard.
Look what we brought.
Chocolates!
Mm-mm-mm.
How is he?
My father?
He's fine, Stephen. He's fine.
What, do you think he's going
to evaporate if you go
one day
without seeing him?
Bruno here yet?
And ruin his entrance?
You know he never gets here
before you two.
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's going to be
a bumpy night.
This season, l am paying
for my ticket, Stephen.
I mean it.
For Christ's sake, Cheryl,
let them pay for it.
With what my father
pays them,
believe me,
they can afford it.
And we're worth
every penny.
Says who?
Oh, l don't know; your father.
Your mother,
your brothers.
Shall we?
l can't wait to see
the look on Stephen's face.
What?
What's the matter?
l'm just not sure
about this.
Jack, this is
your birthday present.
This is what you said
you wanted.
Visiting him
is what l wanted.
Making it a surprise
was your idea.
You remember when he was little.
He loved surprises.
Ada, he's not
a kid anymore.
He's all grown up.
So you didn't think the soprano
sounded a little flat.
She sounded fine to me.
l think
she sounded flat.
She was fine.
But Ricci was magnificent.
lncredible.
Excuse us.
Nobody sees Mr. Ricci
during intermission.
Max, l told you l didn't want
to see anybody.
Bravo, Maestro.
You were
terrific.
Oh, boys.
Where's Max?
Max?
My bodyguard.
He's not out here.
You got a bodyguard?
Make enemies
with the wrong people...
How's your pop,
Danny?
He's good,
real good.
He listens to your records
all the time.
Pardon my eating
Iike this, boys.
15 minutes, Mr. Ricci!
Boys, excuse me.
My love to your parents.
l mean that.
Boys, l said
please excuse me.
You gamble
too much, Maestro.
Even money you don't have,
you lose,
borrow to pay it back.
And the worst part is,
you end up owing
your friends money.
What the hell
is it to you?
You were supposed to pay
Victor Patrizzi $40,000
in August.
lt's now September.
To treat a man
like Don Patrizzi in this way,
well, it shows
a lack of respect.
Respect.
l should give
an asshole like that respect?
Do you have any money with you?
You usually carry a blank check.
This is what
Patrizzi sends me,
a couple of fairies
in diapers?
Now, you listen
to me, girls.
You tell Victor Patrizzi
he'll get his money
when l'm good and ready!
Now get out
before Max throws you out.
Relax, Maestro.
Breathe through your nose.
The blank check,
where is it?
Through your nose,
Maestro.
There you go.
Breathe through your nose.
That's it.
Don't swallow.
There you go.
You're going to have
to help us out here,
Maestro.
You need to write out
a check made to ''cash''
for $40,000.
Do you have enough money
in your account to cover this?
No.
That's fine.
Today's Saturday.
You have
till Wednesday.
You okay,
Maestro?
Here;
drink some water.
There you go.
Sing a good second half,
all right?
We're all counting
on you.
You sound great
out there.
Well, that was
a disappointing second act.
What was wrong
with him?
Perhaps
he did it on purpose.
Maybe it was his interpretation
of the role.
lnterpretation?
He looked like he didn't know
where he was.
And his voice,
oh!
That was a terrible thing
to say, you know.
What?
About Stephen being
all grown up.
You said it to hurt me,
didn't you?
Or did you forget I just
happen to be his mother?
Who are you calling?
Stephen.
We're going to see him
in two days.
And l haven't spoken to him
in almost a week.
You'll pardon me, Jack,
if l want to make sure
everything's all right
with my only son.
Ada, what are you afraid
will happen?
He lives in New York City!
What am l afraid will happen?
Your life isn't worth
a stick of gum in that city.
l got it!
Hello?
Hi.
Good. And you?
Sure, sure, just a second.
Honey!
Honey, it's your mother.
l'm in the shower.
Oh, he's in the shower.
No, no, no, nothing's wrong.
The hospital?
Where do you get these ideas,
Mrs. Torcelli?
Yes, l read the papers.
No, that only happens to people
who go jogging alone at night.
Stephen never goes
jogging alone at night.
Murder capital of the world?
No.
New York is much safer now.
Yes,
l've heard of them.
Mrs. Torcelli,
l wouldn't know where
to find a crack house
if l wanted to.
Yeah, business is going
real well.
Yeah, really well.
Yeah.
We've been making a killing.
Mrs. Torcelli,
yeah, l got another call
coming through.
It's a customer.
Yeah, day and night.
You know, catering business,
cutthroat.
All right.
Good-bye, Mrs. Torcelli.
l feel like an idiot
every time l talk to her.
What's so idiotic
about the idea
of us running
a catering company?
Stephen, we can't cook.
Are we ever going
to tell your parents
what we do
for a living?
Danny, l don't think
they could handle it.
Oh, they couldn't handle it
or you couldn't handle
them knowing?
Hey, fellas.
Busy night.
Been a lot of that?
ls he in back?
He's waiting for you.
l'll see you later.
Hey, Stephen.
Hey, Danny.
Good costume.
Looking good.
Hey.
How you doing, guys?
Vito.
Vito, wake up.
You're here alone
with your father.
You're supposed
to be bodyguarding.
l am bodyguarding.
Do you realize what an honor it is
to be trusted with your father's life?
Does he know you're asleep?
l wasn't asleep.
l can't believe
you guys thought l was asleep.
Where's your brother?
He's out front.
He's in the back
sewing costumes again, isn't he?
Frankie
sewing costumes?
Did he make
Tania's new outfit?
l don't know what--
Frankie.
You know what it does
to your father
when he sees you sewing;
watch your head.
You're supposed
to be managing the club.
l am.
l am managing the club.
Yeah? What about the drunk guy
with the tattoos?
Tattoos?
Yeah, Leo and Eddie had
to take him out.
What would your kids say
if they saw you now?
They'd be proud.
You know what this means.
Uh-huh.We said if we ever
got engaged--
No, no.
Damon, we talked
about this.
Talked about what?
Damon.
lt's time
to tell our parents.
So...
how did it go?
Oh, my boys,
my boys.
Did you pass Vito
on the way in?
Why aren't the two of you
Sicilian?
Then you could take over
the family
after l die.
We don't want to take over
the family, Padrone.
He's a good son.
You have two good sons.
They love you.
4:00 in the morning.
Honey--
We have to get all the way
to lndianapolis by tomorrow.
lt's our first trip
to see Stephen and Danny.
l want everything
to be perfect.
Right.
All over,
we're being chased out.
First the fish market,
then the garbage trucks.
How are we going
to make a living?
lt's almost like
we're being forced into drugs.
Please, drugs.
You know
how l feel about drugs.
lt's easy for you, Victor.
lt's never easy.
Do l look like a mushroom,
Victor?
Stop feeding me bullshit;
You should pardon the expression.
You're exaggerating
the difference between us.
As l said before, bullshit.
You should again pardon
the expression.
l always say,
''Stick with what you know.
''Stick with what works.
Stick with what's clean.''
The numbers,
there's a clean business.
Unions,
there's a clean business.
Prostitution,
there's a clean business.
Oh, Damon, my boy.
l can't believe it.
Engaged.
What did you say
her name was?
l didn't.
lt's Jenny.
Jenny Patrizzi.
ls she pretty?
Matt.
She's beautiful.
What did you say
her family does?
Dear?
What does her father do?
For a living.
Yoo-hoo!
l don't know?
Now, about
the blue fish--
Blue fish.
And to drink?
How do they grill that?
lt's in a mustard remoulade.
Doesn't it turn flaky?
Well, how would you describe
the consistency?
lt's somewhere
between sole and tuna.
Oh.
That comes
with avocado polenta.
How does that--
Vito.
l think
Mr. Levine is hungry.
Okay.
l'll have...
He'll have whatever
he was talking about.
The blue fish.
He'll have the blue fish.
Okay.
Victor,
the things you're up on.
Wireless this,
internet that.
You're as old as l am.
Who taught you all that?
lt's the 21 st century, Marvin.
Got to look forward,
not back.
You know
what you are, Victor?
You're a genius.
You're a goddamn genius.
Would you excuse me?
l have to--
Vito, Mr. Levine
is talking.
Well, he's just embarrassed
to hear me talk
about you like that.
You have to go
to the bathroom?
Yes.
All right, go, go.
What, are you crazy,
Victor?
Leaving you alone?
He had to go.
Well, since when
do you sit in public
without a bodyguard?
You don't see me letting my son
go take a piss, do you?
l'd make him pee
in his pants right here.
Tell him; tell him.
Bodyguard?
He's not my bodyguard.
Those are my bodyguards.
Those guys?
Victor.
They're figureless.
Animals.
Those guys?
You know what?
They're tougher
than they look.
Tougher than they look?
lmagine.
Vito, you're supposed
to be in the bathroom.
You left your father's table
for this.
What would he say
if he saw you?
Let's go.
Do you even have to go
to the bathroom?
Please tell me you did.
Tell me you didn't lie
to your father on purpose.
You're going
to be Padrone one day.
What's the matter
with you?
So how did you guys meet?
We were Army Rangers
together.
This was before
''don't ask, don't tell.''
We asked.
We told.
So what does this
make Patrizzi?
A fairy godfather?
You have an upset stomach
or something?
No.
Old man, get in the car!
Get the car--now!
Must be Levine.
You go.
What about you?
l'll stay with him;
you go.
Hurry up, hurry up!
You okay?
Your job is, before they
drive off with your father,
you make them
kill you first.
Okay?
You know we'd love to come
and visit you in New York, son,
but I don't know
if I'll have the time.
Of course he'll have
the time, dear.
You'll make the time.
l just don't want to get
his hopes up for nothing.
Nonsense.
Of course we'll go.
Of course we'll go.
Damon, darling,
could we please talk more
about this later?
Sure, Mom.
Mom, Dad, I Iove you.
Oh, we love you too, son.
Oh, boy.
Alma, we can't go
to New York.
New York's a stronghold
of the occupation army.
That phone call
was a sign.
But Damon isn't even
in the movement.
A sign from the Lord.
Oh, god, Matt,
l think it may finally be time.
Alma, in our lifetime?
The days of the so-called
federal so-called government
are coming to an end.
Matt, it's time to attack.
But, Alma, New York.
l mean, l always thought
the final struggle
would begin
in their capital.
No, in Washington,
the enemy is strong.
ln New York, they're weak.
Come.
The others are probably here.
I'm fine.
I can see you're fine, Papa.
l'm not worried
about what happened today.
l'm worried about what could--
They weren't
after me.
l feel better when Stephen and Danny
are with you.
Why can't they be
with you all the time?
Because they're busy.
They run my whole operation.
Someone else can.
Who? Who someone?
Vito and Frankie?
Vito and Frankie.
Let's go play upstairs
in the famiIy room.
Why?
Why are you always talking bad
about your sons, Victor?
And with their children sitting
right here.
A soldier must inspire fear,
Stella.
Vito and Frankie
do not inspire fear.
Of course they inspire fear.
l'm afraid of them.
Everybody's afraid of them.
Stephen, Danny, tell him
how afraid you are
of Vito and Frankie.
The dancing girls at the cIub
are not afraid
of Vito and Frankie.
Stick to cooking.
My wife.
I beg her to let me
get her a maid.
Why should you spend
your whole day in the kitchen?
Of course l spend
my whole day in the kitchen.
l'm afraid to step out
of the kitchen,
because l'm afraid
of Vito and Frankie.
l'm their mother,
but still l'm afraid of them.
People are afraid of you
if you are a killer.
Vito and Frankie
are not killers.
Of course they're killers.
Who says they're not killers?
What, because they haven't
killed anyone?
That's because
you haven't asked them.
Vito!
Vito, get in here.
Mama, this is--
l'm frightened
just thinking about them.
Vito, your father
wants you
to kill someone.
She's crazy, Vito.
l'm not crazy;
tell him, Victor.
Mama,
what are you doing?
Red wine instead of marsala?
We talked about this.
The wine is going
to overpower the veal.
l don't know
what you're talk--
l don't know what
he's talking about.
He's never talked
about marsala with me.
Go back upstairs, please.
Go. You hear me?
Go.
Boys, tell my husband.
Tell him--
Mama, enough.
Don't try to put Stephen
and Danny in the middle.
Maybe Vito and Frankie
aren't cut out
to go into the business.
Maybe they should do
something else.
Vito is a talented cook
and a baker.
And have you seen some
of the clothes
that Frankie has made?
May God forgive you
for what you're saying.
Frankie doesn't want
to sew clothes.
Storia finita.
Of course he does!
Sophie, didn't Frankie
make you this blouse?
Um...
no, no, he bought it.
In a store.
Mommy!
Mary, it's time to go home.
Ciao bella.
Ah!
Don't worry about Vito
and Frankie, Stella.
Before l die,
they'll be ready
to take their place
in the business.
Stop talking
about dying, Papa.
You see how upset
it makes Stephen and Danny.
Besides, l've got something
l want to tell you.
Mommy?
Yes, sweetie?
How come Uncle Danny
and Uncle Stephen live together?
Well, because
they love each other
like Mommy and Daddy love
each other.
Which one's the mommy,
and which one's the daddy?
l'll have to get back to you
on that one, honey.
Jenny.
Engaged?
That's not a Sicilian name.
Papa, this is one of the reasons
l didn't want to tell you.
He isn't Sicilian.
He isn't ltalian.
He's not even Catholic.
He's an Episcopalian,
and he comes from Wisconsin.
Not Sicilian?
You never even
mentioned him.
We both decided
not to tell our parents
until we were engaged.
Not ltalian?
What does he do,
this Damon?
He's an editor
at Random House.
What's Episcopalian?
Protestant, Stella.
He's not Catholic?
Jenny, engaged?
And what does his family do?
They're good people.
From the heartland.
Soldiers!
The planning stage
is finally over.
The great day
is finally upon us.
lt is time to take action.
Sons and daughters
of the colonists
must rise up, rise up!
Sit down, Matt.
The second
American revolution
will start in the city
of bankers
and lawyers and fleshpots
and sex clubs.
They don't stand a chance!
Hello.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mom.
What?
l said, ''Hi, Mom.''
You have to speak louder,
it's very noisy here.
Sorry.
What is all that noise?
That's why l'm calling.
Your father and I have decided
to surprise you.
What?
Well, let me
put it this way:
we're cruising comfortably
at--what is it, Jack?
29,000 feet.
Mom, are you on a plane?
Guess where
we're headed?
Where?
lt's your father's birthday
Saturday,
so since he hasn't seen you
in such a long time,
we decided the perfect gift
would be a trip to New York
to visit you and Danny.
Can you pick us up
at the airport?
The John F. Kennedy
airport at 2:30.
You know how nervous I am
about New York,
and to have to get
into a taxi--
Stephen?
l'm still here, Mom.
One more question.
Do you have any jobs
Saturday?
Jobs?
Catering jobs.
Uh, no.
Since it's
your father's birthday,
wouldn't it be nice
to give him a big dinner party?
You know,
invite all your friends.
That way, we can meet them
and the people
who work for you.
People who work for us?
The cooks and bakers.
You know, the whole company.
Plus your father and l
will get a chance
to sample your cooking.
We're going to be so proud.
Mom?
l don't think
this is such a great idea,
a whole big dinner like that.
Don't be silly;
it'll be just the thing.
Your father's very excited
about it.
Aren't you, dear?
He's very excited.
l still do not understand.
What is the problem?
Bruno, my parents don't know
about us.
What, that you two
are a couple?
They think you share
the same apartment
and you don't sleep
together?
Oh, Stephen.
Your mother's
a grown woman.
Don't be ridiculous;
they know that.
They don't know
what we do.
Oh, they think we run
a catering business.
A catering business,
how can that be?
You can't even cook.
l keep hearing that.
lf you hadn't agreed
to the birthday party,
you'd have nothing
to worry about.
Do you have any idea
how many weapons we have
in our house?
Don't take them in the rooms
where you keep the stuff.
lt's all the rooms.
Can't you put it all
in one place for a few days?
That's what
the Branch Davidians did.
You think if they stayed
in a hotel--
They are not staying
in a hotel.
Would you just listen
to me?
You can hide
the weapons.
You do it every time
the police come by.
You can do it now.
So what about the dinner?
Do what Mickey and Judy
would have done.
Mickey?
Rooney.
Judy?
Garland.
Mickey and Judy?
Miss Garland to you.
Mickey and Judy
were never--
What did they do
when they were in any fix?
A surefire solution
to all of life's problems.
They put on a show.
Aw.
Stephen, a big, elaborate
ruse like this,
it's just going to dig us
deeper and deeper.
Danny, there's something
you don't know.
lt's about my father.
The FBl.
The FBl?
l thought he was
a carpet salesman.
That's what
he tells people.
He's undercover,
deep cover.
Spies, assassinations,
l don't know.
But, Stephen, the FBl?
What will people say?
Now you see why
we can't--
He's not
a carpet salesman.
All this time.
We can't let him know.
We talked
about carpeting together.
He'd have to turn us in.
- SColor schemes.
He'd be consorting
with known criminals.
Swatches.
We'd go to jail.
l thought he'd help us
recarpet the living room.
Are you hearing
one word l'm saying?
You lived with this
all this time.
Why didn't you tell me?
He made me swear.
Even my mother doesn't know.
He only told me 'cause l found
an Uzi hidden in the cellar.
TR-6 from '81
with a repeating device.
Cool.
l didn't believe him
at first,
so he showed me
around the headquarters,
which was outstanding.
You should see
the stuff they have.
Cool; l still can't believe
you didn't tell me.
Danny, l couldn't.
l told you--
l told you about--
What could you possibly
have told me about
that is any way comparable
to this.
You know.
That you had a girlfriend
in college?
Well, that and--
The two of you had sex?
Danny, Danny, if my father
finds out about us,
he'd have to turn us in.
Except you know he wouldn't;
he'd turn in
his own badge first.
Well, we can't let him
do that.
Poor old guy.
Well, we'd have to quit
the family,
l mean really quit for good.
And you know what.
lt'd break
the Padrone's heart.
Without the family
behind us--
We've stepped
on so many toes.
Now those people
are afraid of us,
but if we ever leave
the family...
our lives wouldn't be worth
a stick of gum, Danny.
Not a stick of gum.
Well, he has to be told.
We can't let him find out
some other way.
Do you want me
to tell him?
Yes.
Okay, first of all,
make sure he understands--
Papa!
Stephen and Danny
have something
they want to tell you.
l'll get right to the point, Padrone.
lt's about my--my parents.
Yes, how are they, Stephen?
Good, good,
they're good.
You know, l'd like to meet them.
When do you think
that'll happen?
Soon.
The thing is, Padrone,
l haven't been totally honest
with them.
Not honest?
You might even say
l've lied to them
about certain aspects
of my life.
My intentions were good,
and l think
l had good reason,
but the fact remains
that l lied.
And I now know,
I truly beIieve
that this was wrong.
Stephen, l know
what you're getting at.
And l want you to know
that although l think,
you know, as a rule,
children should never lie
to their parents,
l can understand
what you did.
Really, Padrone?
You know, I, of course,
am very comfortable with
your and Danny's relationship.
But then I'm
a sophisticated man.
l live in a big city,
whereas they're from...
lndiana. Um--
Your parents may need time.
Maybe they need
to meet Danny
and see what a wonderful thing
you have together.
To tell you the truth--
Do you think it would help
if l spoke to them?
Padrone...
l haven't told them
about all of this.
I haven't toId them
about you.
He's hurt.
His feelings are hurt.
He understood.
lf not, he wouldn't
have okayed our plan.
''Our'' plan?
Jenny, you should--
Stephen.
You spend all your time
taking care of us.
Now it's time for us
to help you for a change.
lt's just, l've never
disappointed them before.
lt's hard.
Pardon me.
But you make
a beautiful couple.
Thank you.
Wish we didn't have
to strip down like this.
They're going to want
to hug us.
l feel naked.
l've already said you could
bring your brass knuckles.
Want to take your ankle piece?
Take your ankle piece.
l think
you missed one, dear.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Remember, Matt, every weapon
we leave behind
gives us one less weapon
to fight the enemy.
Yeah.
Now, remember,
- it's Don Patrizzi,
not ''mister.''
There's nothing
to worry about.
lf you want to worry,
then worry about meeting
and Stephen and Danny.
Why, you think they'll make
a pass at me?
No.
But they will kill you
if they think
you're not treating me right.
l thought we could go
to the hotel first
and drop off the bags.
Hotel?
Mom, you're staying here.
Oh, we don't want you
to feel cramped.
We're not going
to feel cramped.
There's plenty
of room.
How much room can there be
in an apartment?
lt's not
an apartment, Mom.
We have the whole house.
Oh, pardon me.
My!
Look at this.
All this
from catering?
The funny thing is,
l didn't know Stephen knew
how to cook.
Look at these ceilings.
lt's going to be hard to go back
to our place, Jack, after this.
lt'll seem so small.
Look at these floors.
Oh, and those windows!
How do you keep the place warm
in the winter?
Well, l guess
when you're young--
Oh, look at you!
Oh, what a sweetheart.
Oh, do they really
make you run
up and down
all these stairs?
No wonder
you're so skinny.
My god!
How many soaps and lotions
do you need
to wash yourself
every day?
Well, you know,
there's different products
for day and evening.
You know, dry weather,
rainy weather.
Sometimes your hair
just gets oily
for no reason at all, and--
You mean to tell me
your hair needs both
rosemary mint equalizing
conditioning rinse
and freeze and shine
super spray?
And what is this word,
''jo-jo-ba''?
Jojoba.
How do you keep track
of all of this?
Oh, it's alphabetized.
Alphabetized?
Well, so it is.
Jack, did you hear?
It's alphabetized.
l heard.
Please get up.
Oh, yes.
l haven't seen
any closets.
Ah...
My god! You have more clothes
than l do,
and l'm a woman.
Men can have a lot
of clothes too, Mom.
So l see.
And, you know,
Stephen's an autumn,
and l'm a spring, so we really
can't share anything.
They used to have
dance marathons here
in the '30s.
My father closed it up
years ago.
l haven't been here
since l was a little girl.
Wow, look at this.
These moldings, the columns.
The chandelier!
ls there anyplace else,
Jenny?
A better place than this
for your banquet?
You're kidding,
right?
Well, it looks like
it could use a little work.
Well, we'll hire
a decorator
to spruce it up.
We'll get a professional chef.
The place has a great kitchen.
And how's this?
We'll get the guys
to serve the dinner.
You really think
they'd do that?
Stephen, trust me.
They love you.
They don't just work
for you,
they would die for you.
They'll certainly do this
for you.
No way!
I don't think so.
All right, all right, enough.
And after all
that Stephen and Danny have done for you.
Eddie, who talked
to your son's football coach
when he wasn't letting
your son play enough?
Stephen and Danny.
How often
does your son play now?
Every game.
What?
Every game.
And Leo.
Who made
your daughter's boyfriend
leave town and never come back?
Stephen and Danny.
Who?
Stephen and Danny.
Mm-hmm.
And you, Chuck.
Remember when that casino
wouldn't give you credit
anymore?
Who went and had a pow-wow
with the chief?
Stephen and Danny.
How much credit
do they give you now?
10 grand.
How much?
10 grand.
And may God forgive you all
for not saying ''yes'' right away.
You know, it's not
the cooking part
that bothers me.
lt's making believe we're gay.
Gay?
Why gay?
Come on, a catering company
in Manhattan
run by two gay guys?
Stephen and Danny run
the family.
We're not gay.
Yeah,
but we're soIdiers.
Here, we're talking
about pastry chefs.
l can't do gay.
l think l could pull it off.
How am I supposed to do gay?
Act like Stephen and Danny.
They act like the rest of us.
Well, they dress nicer.
They dance
a little different too.
They're cuter.
I don't want
to take any chances.
Jenny's mad enough
at us aIready.
We're not going to take
any chances.
We need an expert.
What?
l think l know someone.
For those of you
who haven't yet been acquainted,
this is Mr. Grayson.
Good friend
of Stephen and Danny's.
Some of youse may have
seen him around the club.
Well, l think l've met
some of you there.
Well, Ray l remember,
of course.
And, let's see.
You were there.
And you were there.And you were there.
And you were there too.
Judy Garland.
The Wizard of Oz.
We've got a lot
of work to do.
Jenny.
What is he doing here?
You said you'd get
a professional chef.
Vito's a chef.
Did it ever occur to you
to stop being
my father's slave
and actually think
for a minute?
To my father,
everything you touch
turns to gold.
lf he sees Vito
pull this off,
see Vito save the day
for you and Danny,
he'll look at him
differently.
Maybe he'll actually start
to respect him a little.
Would that be
so bad?
We're not doing this
to your father, Jenny.
You'd be heIping him.
Will you at least think
about it?
Okay.
Vito, did you hear?
Stephen says it's okay!
And Frankie will do up
the room.
Frankie!
What?
Frankie, get in here!
Frankie.
What are you doing here?
Nothin'.
We're having a big party
for 50 people,
and you're going
to decorate it.
You mean choose
the color scheme,
the fabrics,
everything?
Choose?
We want you
to make them.
Don't mess in my brain,
Jenny.
No.
Vito, is this true?
And l am cooking.
You're--
Yeah!
lt's good.
lt's good.
Let's start with the basics.
97, 98, 99, 100.
Now, it's very important
that you call feel
some connection to gay history.
Mr. EIton John.
Miss EIIen DeGeneres.
Miss J. Edgar Hoover.
Some 17th-century queen.
Shirley Booth as Hazel.
Last but by no means least,
Wishbone.
Maybe if you had come
to me first.
lt is my sons
we're talking about.
Papa, be reasonable.
Jenny, you heard
your father.
As if they would even
have time.
Vito will probably
be out
doing a contract
on someone,
and Frankie will be out
stealing something.
Stella,
maybe if Vito can cook
for a party like this--
And leave the family business
for good?
They're not children
anymore.
Then you need to start
letting them do more
in the business.
Papa's tried, Mama.
He's tried.
He's tried.
Basta!
This is for Stephen and Danny.
We'll do it for them.
Come, Stella.
You'll buy a new dress, hmm?
Frankie said he wanted
to make you one.
You'll be
the prettiest woman there.
And you know who
I'll invite also?
The senator.
The senator.
Mm-hmm.
Well, Victor, let's see.
l, uh--
Pete, are you there?
Uh, it just isn't
a good night.
Yeah, you see,
l have this...
thing.
ls someone there with you,
Pete?
No, Victor.
Pete, l wonder how my father
would handle this.
l think he would have said,
''Peter, do you know
''what you are to me
besides being my friend?
''You're like a bank,
a favor bank.
l put the favors in;
l take the favors out.''
What do you think, Pete?
Have l done favors for you?
Yes, Victor, but--
''Now, what would you say
if l put money in a bank,
''and when l tried
to take it out,
the banker told me l couldn't?''
Well, l--of course,
l would--
What happened to the money,
Pete?
Did it disappear?
Did it get up and walk away?
l mean,
if the money isn't there,
it's because someone stole it.
''The banker?
The banker stole my money?''
What do you think should happen
to such a person, Pete?
Well, I-I-I can't--
8:00.
And don't be late.
8:00.
Yes, Victor,
l look forward to it.
Right.
See you then.
Bye-bye.
l'm so glad the three of you
are finally meeting.
Jenny,
can we talk to you
for a second?
Do you ever think
about anybody but yourself?
What?
You never told us anything
about this relationship.
lt's as if, mentally,
you've already left.
You two, what am l going
to do with you?
And we don't know
the first thing about him.
ls he even nice to you?
He's very nice to me.
You don't know
what men are Iike.
She doesn't know
what men are like.
But if he wants trouble--
We'll give him
trouble.
Kill him.
l swear
we'll kill him.
You think
we're kidding?
We'll mess him up.
And there's nothing you can say
that will stop us.
Oh, you two.
We love you, Jenny.
Damon.
Congratulations.
Welcome to the family.
You've got to cancel,
Senator.
You'll be crucified
in the media.
Well, Jesus
was crucified too.
Okay, but l'm going with you
to that dinner.
Understood?
Tim--
l am going with you
to that dinner.
Hmm? Well, what did l tell you?
Stephen and Danny,
aren't they great?
Yeah, they sure do talk.
Well, they do more
than just talk.
What's the matter?
lt's just, this is all
so new to me,
this atmosphere
of violence.
Well, good morning,
you two.
Good morning,
Mom.
Morning, boys.
Please don't feed him
from the table, Mom.
I couId get used
to having a maid around.
Please don't feed him
from the table, Mom.
Monty, corner.
You two got in late
last night.
We were working.
Till 3:00 in the morning?
lt was a big job.
You told us you didn't have
any parties this week.
Well, this one came up
at the last minute.
lt was an emergency.
An emergency party?
We should really
get going.
What are you
working on today?
Oh, the usual.
Salads, stews.
Coffee.
Pomegranates.
You know. Ooh!
Stephen.
Who's there?
Stephen, honey.
Mom, what is it?
l have a question to ask you.
May l come in?
l can hear you just fine.
Well, l can't hear you.
Can l come in?
lt's a mess in here.
Come downstairs.
We can't, Mom;
we're in a hurry.
Of all the foolish--
We've got a--
Why is this door locked?
Mom, we've got
all our stuff in here.
It's kind of private.
Ada, can't this wait till later?
l know what they must be doing.
At this hour?
They said they had to leave.
That maid of theirs
is with them.
We're not in lndiana anymore.
Two words, honey:
puh-lease.
Two words, honey:
please.
Two words, honey:
puh-lease!
Two words, honey:
please?
Ooh, ooh! Can l try?
Yes, come on.
Two words, honey:
puh-lease!
Eggshell.
l said eggshell. Does this look
like eggshell to you?
l can't make napkins
from this.
Have you thought about that?
I mean, you know how some
gay men caII each other ''her. ''
''Forget her. '' Her.
''Such a queen.''
What about lesbians?
Do they use ''him''?
''Forget him. ''
''He's such a king.''
Richard, do you mind sitting
next to Cynthia St. Charles?
Or Freddie the Chin.
l'd rather drink ink.
Now, about that dinner.
l've got to go
to a costume party first.
It's a benefit.
You're going to make it,
aren't you?
Well, l'll be late.
Figure around 1 0:00.
Well, don't be
too late.
lt's going to be a blast.
Glory, glory,
hallelujah.
You sure you want to do this?
Vito, we can handle it;
we want to help,
and we should know something
about the food
in case Stephen's parents
ask about it.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, the most complicated part
of the dinner
is the dessert.
Ricotta cheesecake.
Now, I'm going to go see
if the ricotta's here.
Meanwhile, you can start
by heating this up.
Uh, Vito?
Uh, just nuke it.
ln the microwave.
Maybe it's this one:
''meal reheat.''
l mean, they have
to have heated it
before they
condensed it, right?
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa. Think we should put them in
with the wrappers?
Yeah, why not?
Vito,
are we supposed
to put the cans in
with the wrappers,
without the wrappers,
or doesn't it really
make a difference?
l bet it doesn't make
a difference.
What?
Thanks for doing this again,
Vito.
No, no,
we're really sorry.
Hey, it's my fault.
Okay, next time,
it's going to be different,
cause
we're totally psyched.
Psyched.
Great.
Okay, look.
l've been thinking
about it, guys.
And you shouldn't waste
your time on dessert.
l mean, after all,
it's only dessert, right?
You should work
on the important stuff,
like the goose liver pate.
Okay, now, you start
by boiling the eggs.
Three minutes.
No, no, no.
Now, you see,
this is why it was my fault.
You use this pan.
Now, you wait
until the water is boiling,
and then you take the eggs,
and you add them.
Three minutes.
Now, after the eggs
are boiled,
you take the goose liver.
lt's very expensive.
And then you mash it in
with the eggs, okay?
Boil the eggs--
And mash in
the goose liver.
That's it.
So what do we use
to do the mashing?
Call me
when you're done.
Ah, that's a good one.
How are you guys doing?
Shh.
No problem.
Done?
lt's mashed.
Uh! ?
There he is,
my boy!
You made it.
When God is on
your side, son...
What?
Nothing.
Dear, your father is tired
after a long trip.
Who are all those people?
People?
What--
Hmm? Oh! Those people.
Well, that is--
That's our church group.
They wanted
to see New York,
and they were afraid
they would get lost,
so they followed us here.
And--not to worry.
They're staying
in a hotel.
Well, hi!
Okay.
Who was she married to
in March 1953?
Michael Wilding.
November 1975?
Richard Burton.
First marriage
or second?
Second?
Very good.
January 1952.
Nicky Hilton.
How could she be married
to Nicky Hilton in 1952
when she divorced him
in 1951 ?
She wasn't married
to anybody.
She was
in between husbands.
Right.
Come on, Grayson.
That's a trick question.
That's not a trick question;
that's basic material.
The dinner is tomorrow.
Now, pull yourselves
together!
So when do we get
to meet her?
Soon.
l didn't want to do
too much at once.
Oh, weII, honey,
don't worry about us.
We want to see
all the sights.
You know, Wall Street,
Empire State Building,
City Hall.
All those big, beautiful
government buildings.
Especially
the government buildings.
Because we love
the government.
So, anyway, a friend of mine
invited me to one
of her Straight Women Loving
Other Straight Women meetings.
Cheryl!
What?
Cheryl.
What?
Straight Women Loving
Other Straight Women.
What the hell is that?
Like us announcing
we're straight men
that love
other straight men?
But you and Stephen are gay.
l mean, this is straight women
who love other straight women.
Okay.
At least it gets me out
of the house.
You'll get out tomorrow
for our dinner, right?
Of course.
How are the preparations coming?
Perfect.
...You can sing
most anything...
Do re mi fa so
la ti do
Oh, you won't be imposing.
Of course you'll come.
l don't even have
anything to wear.
Yeah, sure you do, dear.
Remember, you brought that dress
for the victory celebration.
Ooh. You know, now
that he mentions it,
l do have
a little something.
Oh, good.
And l can introduce you
to Senator Bloomer.
Senator Bloomer?
From New York.
A United States senator?
Uh-huh.
Tell me, is he
an important senator?
And he's coming
to your dinner?
He's a friend
of my father's.
What does your father do again?
He's in catering
He's a businessman.
Sorry?
What?
He's in the catering
business.
It's his company
that's catering
the dinner.
Oh, there's one thing.
This employee
of my father's
whose parents are going
to be there
told them that it's
actually his company,
so if you meet them,
don't let on, okay?
Okay.
Can you keep a secret?
Oh, l think we can.
l can't stand the idea
of leaving him alone all night.
Honey, we'll be back
in a few hours.
Jack, look at him.
How wouId you Iike it
if I Ieft you aIone
for hours with nothing
but a bowl of dog food?
Ada, he's a dog.
Come on.
Oh, God, l can't believe it.
l thought
you'd seen it already.
Yeah, but not like this.
Where's Frankie?
We've been looking
all over for him.
Oh, he couldn't handle it;
he was too nervous.
l told him
l'd call him later
and tell him
how everything looks.
Hi.
Those are Victor Patrizzi's
gay lieutenants.
If they ask you for anything,
the answer is ''no. ''
Tim, look.
We're here.
You may not like it.
l may not
like it much either.
But we're here,
and l intend
to have a good time.
So relax.
Oh!
lt's beautiful.
Did you ever have
such a birthday party
in your life,
Jack?
And look at all of you.
l always say everyone
looks better in black tie.
You need something.
A carnation. There should be a tray
of carnations
right here so all the men
could have one.
WouIdn't that make everything
even prettier?
She wants carnations.
Find some.
Find some carnations.
Roger that.
Oh, Damon, dear,
you look so handsome.
And Jenny.
What a pretty dress.
Stephen, Danny, these
are Damon's parents.
How do you do?
Stephen, Danny,
nice to meet you.
So, is that senator here?
Yeah.
He's right over there.
Would you like
to meet him?
Uh, no.
No, l just--l wanted
to know where he was.
Right.
Shall we?
Nice to meet you.
What do you think
you're doing?
Do you want
to give us all away?
Thank you.
Mom, Dad.
I just wanted
to introduce you
to Don--Mr. Patrizzi.
Donald.
It's a pleasure.
Do you work for my son?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
But Donald is a very
distinguished member
of the culinary community.
And we're very honored
to have him
on our staff.
Well, I can tell
you've made
an excellent impression
on my son, Donald.
lt always helps
to get in good with the boss.
Oh!
You do have carnations.
Red? White?
What are the whites?
We have Mont Monet,
and we also have Mont Blanc.
No California whites?
l just love
California whites.
Whichever.
Find some California whites.
So there are 18 seconds to go.
Shaq gets the ball,
drives the--
Ooh!
l love
basketball.
Yeah? Good, so do I.
My favorite player
was Dennis Rodman.
Oh, Denn-is Rod-man.
Love to get my balls
in his basket.
Sammy.
ls something
the matter?
I'm fine.
But it looks like somebody
around here needs
to lose
a little 'tude.
What's going on?
ls your tiara on
crooked again?
This is delicious.
What do you call this?
Yes, Stephen.
What is it?
What is the appetizer?
A California white!
Oh.
Spinach Orloff veloute.
Spinach Orloff veloute.
The appetizer.
lt's spinach Orloff veloute.
Oh. Well, it's lovely.
Fish...or veal, sir?
l don't know;
you choose.
What?
You decide what to give me.
Oh, l know what l'd like
to give you.
But it isn't on the menu.
Eddie.
Eddie!
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
l mean
what are you doing?
Fish or veal, ma'am?
Oh. I hate making these decisions.
Oh, l know.
l mean, l like Judy.
But l like Liza too.
Why should l have
to choose?
Fish.
Oh, get over it, Mary.
Huh?
Nice.
lsn't he wonderful?
She.
Oh, you call them ''she.''
l call all women ''she.''
She's a woman?
l thought
she was a drag queen.
You know, a man dressed
like a woman.
l know what
a drag queen is, Mom.
Are we going
to see any?
l mean, just plain old women,
l can see in lndiana.
Oh, well.
Maybe next time.
Find some drag queens.
Drag queens?
Where are we going
to find drag queens?
Greenwich Village.
Everybody knows that.
Danny and l would like
to thank you all
for coming tonight.
And l want most of all
to toast
the birthday boy--person.
The best father that ever lived,
my father,
who made us promise not
to sing him Happy Birthday.
But in his honor,
Vito has--
has helped
Danny and me bake him a cake.
To my father.
Buon compleanno.
Buon
compleanno.
Ooh, excuse me.
Do you where we could find
some drag queens around here?
Come on.
Excuse me.
You know where we could find
some drag queens?
Girlfriend,
if you have to ask.
l have never seen
such a gorgeous cake.
How did you--
uh, uh, uh,
you, l mean all of you.
Oh, my God!
Look at what I've done.
l've ruined
your beautiful cake.
Don't worry, Mama.
Don't worry.
But it was a work
of art.
lt was perfect.
Then you did
the right thing.
We don't want
to offend the gods.
ln ancient Persia,
whenever an artist
created something,
he would include a flaw
on purpose, because
only the gods are supposed
to be perfect.
And so, today,
we introduce a flaw
into something
that otherwise would be perfect,
and we say it is
so as not to offend the gods.
Mr. TorceIIi, a speech.
l'm going to go home
and change this dress.
Okay, sweetheart.
Just a few words.
l'm not prepared for this.
Go ask him.
No,
you go ask him.
Come on, Leo.
No,
you ask him.
Can l help you, sir?
Yeah, any drag queens
around here?
Sure.
There's a place
two blocks down.
lt's called
Jacqueline's.
You can't miss it.
You have a good time,
all right?
Right.
To be honest, nothing
could possibly prepare me
for tonight.
lt's been quite an evening,
and l'll remember it
for as long as--
Don't move!
Put your hands up!
Hands up!
Mom?
Dad?
What's going on?
You too, Damon, honey.
Put your hands up!
Mrs. Jennings.
Now, let's not have
any trouble here.
Now, just put
the gun down.
Don't take another step!
l will shoot;
I swear it.
Nobody's going
to shoot anybody.
We all know that.
Right, Damon?
Right.
Okay, see?
No guns.
Now, why don't you just take
the two of us
and let everyone else go.
Eat shit.
Mother!
She never used language
like that at home.
Cuff those two.
Sorry, dear.
Are you done yet, dear?
Yes, yes, dear.
Thank you.
You are all prisoners of war
in the second war
for American independence!
Our goal is to liberate
our country
from the occupying
federal army,
of which that man...
is a high-ranking officer.
While in our custody,
you will be treated humanely
in accordance with the laws
of the Geneva Convention.
In the meantime...
we will submit
a list of our demands
to your government.
Now, do you see
what we had to do
to these two?
That's because
they're troublemakers.
Anybody else here
a troublemaker?
Anybody else
need to be handcuffed?
Okay, men!
Round 'em up!
Herd 'em in!
Just like the pigs
and heifers at home.
Let's go.
Does Danny always carry
a gun?
Catering business,
very competitive.
What about the guys
in the kitchen?
Do you think--
Will you stop that?
Stop it!
Hands up, ladies,
let's go.
All right, move it!
Move it!
Come on, Matt.
Come on..
I want you
to check out the video room.
Check out the video room.
Make sure it's ready.
Now, just settle down.
Settle down,
nice and easy.
Nice and easy.
That's good.
What the hell kind
of party is this?
Oh!
Stephen, drag queens.
Who are they?
Bunch of big, ugly women.
They all just showed up.
You owe us big-time, white boys.
Come on, girls!
Come on.
Hey, hey,
what are you doing?
Take it easy, Martin.
Did you arrange
for there to be drag queens?
Uh-uh.
Don't look at me.
Is the video ready?
Okay, then.
Upsy daisy,
Senator.
Let's skedaddle.
Just follow me.
Keep an eye on him!
Great.
They have the senator.
Now what do we do?
God, this is worse
than a government party.
Would you watch
what you're doing?
I'm waIking as fast as I can
in these things.
l'm not used to cleats.
What is your name?
Richard, be quiet.
These guys
are serious.
Oh, they think they're all that,
but they're all just cretins.
Do you hear me? Cretins!
Richard, you need--
l need?
l need?
lt's they
who need something.
lt starts with ''p''
and ends with ''rozac.''
Shh!
Great party.
Richard, even if
our dinner hadn't--
why did you teach our men
to act...
Queenie.
Queenie.
Queenie?
Queenie!
Gods!
The internalized homophobia
you two carry around with you
is so toxic.
lt really isn't healthy.
l, at least,
have some pride in myself.
l have dignity.
lt's the costume l wore
to the party.
l didn't change
because l rushed over here.
l didn't want to miss
one fun-filled minute.
Look what l won at the raffle.
They're autographed
by all the Yankees.
Jealous.
12:30.
When l think
of that poor dog all alone,
wondering what's
taking us so long,
he must be in agony.
Damon?
How long
have your parents been leaders
in the militia community?
Don Patrizzi, l don't know
what's wrong with them.
Whatever it is, it happened
after l moved away.
They used to be
the nicest, sweetest people.
l mean, when
the Sicilian Rescue League
asked them to take me,
they said ''yes'' right away.
The what Rescue League?
Sicilian.
You know, from Sicily.
My birth parents were killed
there in the big earthquake
when l was two,
and the League brought me here.
And my parents adopted me.
l wasn't supposed
to tell you that.
Jenny?
Remember that...
thing l wasn't supposed to talk
to your parents about?
So...
you're Sicilian.
What do you think
about what Richard said?
You think we have
internalized homophobia?
I don't know.
Sometimes l wonder if maybe
l need to do this kind of work,
something really tough,
you know, really manly
to almost make up for being gay.
What about you?
lt was something we did
together.
l saw how much you liked it,
how happy you were.
l'm so sorry, Danny.
Why, Stephen?
Why?
lf not for me,
everything would be different.
Stephen, l'm happy.
l'm with you.
Come on;
listen to me.
l'm happy.
Here he is!
So the canary sang.
Here's your Benedict Arnold
of the federal occupying army.
There you go.
Cover him, boys.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
What'd they make you do
in there?
They made me read
this statement,
and they videotaped it.
They're going to send it
to the police.
Did l tell you
no talking?
Get up!
Get up!
Get over there.
Just get over there!
You know, once the police
get that tape,
there'll be 500 cops
all over this place.
That's 500 fingers
on 500 triggers.
All we need
is one rookie to panic.
Let's end this.
She looked right at me
and said,
''Just because
somebody's dead
doesn't mean
they've changed.''
Richard, we need
your balls.
l've wanted this for years,
and now you ask me?
Just give me
the baseballs.
l've only got one left.
l gave the other one away.
Who'd you give it to?
Him.
The senator's aide.
Do you think he's cute?
You're cruising
during a hostage situation?
What is the matter
with you?
The really hot one
is the one right there,
baby.
Buns of steel.
Bruno.
What?
We could all die tonight.
lf they want to kill me,
they're going to have
to rape me first.
Something big is going down.
And someone better tell us
what it is.
Saffron, go find out.
l don't want to go over there
and get all disrespected.
What if he don't want
to tell me?
No one's going
to disrespect you.
Now, take your ass
on over there.
You don't want to have
to make me go myself, do you?
Stephen, look--
No, no, no,
it's not a good time now.
Go away.
That Stephen guy
was very disrespectful.
He told me to go away
and leave him alone.
Miss Thing told you what?
To go away
and leave him alone.
Okay, do we all know
what we're doing?
Okay,
let's do it.
ls this going to work?
Yeah, it's going to work,
because we are going
to grow old together.
Where're you going, sweetheart.
You're done,
Mr. Jennings.
Danny!
Are you all right?
Dad.
Sir.
Stephen and l
want you to know
that we understand.
lf you have a job to do--
Job? What job?
l'm retired.
Remember?
It's my birthday.
60, mandatory retirement
if you're undercover.
Retired?
What are you going to do?
Actually, a carpet salesman
for real.
A carpet salesman?
l've had to learn a lot
about it for my cover.
Really quite interesting.
Here I am.
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
Actually, l have
some ideas for your place.
All right, officer.
All right.
This has been
the worst day.
Worst day of my life.
You!
You ruined my dinner!
You ruined my revolution!
Why did he say
the dinner was ruined?
l thought it was very good.
So did l.
To tell you the truth,
Mr. Grayson,
being gay was fun and all,
but after a while...
Yeah, l mean,
after a while,
l felt like l was
the purple teletubby.
Oh, please.
As if a gay man would ever have
a body like that.
Was he just calling me fat?
Mom, Dad, all l ask is that
you not make any judgments
till you get to know the people
we work for a little better.
Well, that Stella that
l talked to seemed very nice.
So tell me, honestly,
what surprised you more?
Finding out
about me and Stephen
or finding out that your husband
works for the FBl?
Danny, l haven't--
Oh, God.
l'm so sorry.
Well, l just thought that--
Jack.
Stephen,
why didn't you stop me?
Did you really think
I didn't know?
How could l not know
with that great big Uzi
sitting in the cellar?
Why would he say that
to me?
You think l'm fat?
Girlfriend,
if the pumps fit.
Bitch.
Damon.
We've been speaking
with Don Patrizzi.
He's become
very interested in you
and your future role
in the family.
Future role
in the family?
You're going to be spending
a lot more time
with Danny and me.
Gee, well, you know,
thanks, guys,
but l don't want
to be a bother.
And, you know,
l already have a job.
God, honey,
you look exhausted.
Why don't you let
my parents take you home?
l'm going to stay here
and finish things up
with the boys, okay?
Damon?
Damon.
What are you doing?
Remember what Bruno said?
lf something's perfect,
you have to create a flaw
so as not to offend
the gods.
So as not to offend
the gods.
Stephen? Danny!
Good night!
Good night, Mom.
Night, Dad.
Love you.
Wait a minute;
the drag queens.
We didn't see any of them
do their acts.
Stephen!
Stephen!
Subtitles by bigmim