Friday After Next (2002) - full transcript

'Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

♪ In my mind ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Ohh ohh ohh ohh ♪

♪ I want you to be free ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ For all of our friends ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Won't you listen to me ♪



♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Now hear what I say ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ To each one of you ♪
♪ To all of you ♪

♪ Hmmm ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ 'Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪



♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep... ♪

Uhh!!

Goddamn, day-day.

Take it all.

One, two, pick it up, three.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Damn! That's
a ugly-ass baby.

Eyes cocked like a pistol.

All I want, Santa Claus,

is two fat bitches
and a bag of weed

and two bags of chips
to give to the fat bitches.

What the...?

Damn, these niggas are broke.

No Christmas ham
in here... nothing.

It's a damn shame.

All I want is two fat bitches
and some cheeseburgers,

so cheeco can lick on them,

and two-years' supply
of rolling paper.

Yeah, two pieces of Bologna,
yeah, baby.

This gonna be good right here.

I'm so hungry.

What the hell
you doin' in my house,

eatin' a big-ass sandwich
and shit?

Nigga, I'm Santa Claus,

where the fuck are the milk
and cookies?

- Santa Claus!
- Oh, shit!

You better get
your ass out of here!

Uhh! Goddamn!

Day-day! Day-day!

Day-day!

Day-day!

Day-day!

All I want is a fat bitch with a
name belt that say "glitter" on it.

Yeah!

Day-day!
Help me, man!

Merry Christmas, motherfucker!

Whoa!

As you can see,

I got my black ass
back in the ghetto,

the only place
where you can get robbed

by Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.

Oh, shit!

Man, I don't know if I can
handle another goddamn Friday.

This shit hurt.

Day-day! Wake up,
man, we just got robbed!

Day-day!

Get your scary ass up, man,
I know you heard that shit!

- We just got robbed!
- Get out of here, man!

Get your...
Wake your ass up!

Come on, man,
I gotta call the po-po!

What'd you say? Damn.

We just got robbed, cheeco.

...unit 415, man in
the middle of the street.

Then what happened?

Shit, then I caught him...

I hit him, like, four times.

I would've been
a professional boxer,

but I was in special education.

I'm telling you,
I was whupping his ass!

Craig got
to fighting with him...

Check out the bedrooms.
Sure.

So, what else did he get?

Like I said,
he took all of our presents,

he took my cd collection...
Cds...

He even took day-day's
baby pictures.
Pictures?

Oh, yeah, and he got
our speaker, man,

with all our rent money in it.

Rent money!

Sit your ass down!
Not the rent money!

You ain't about to do nothin'.
Who got the rent money?

Shit!

Jumping up
like you "Mr. Get bad."

Where was you when he
was beating my ass

with that tree?

Craig, my leg is hurting.
Good!

Yeah, he got the rent money.

All of it.

You're positive he was
dressed like Santa Claus?

Jolly, white, fat guy,
little red suit,

couple elves packing the bags?

He's a project Santa Claus.

Picture ol' dirty bastard
in a Santa Claus suit.

Can you picture that?

Do you know
who ol' dirty bastard is?

No, I'm not big on that.

You ought to be nervous,
you a black cop.

You two motherfuckers
huddle up or something

and find this dude.

Stay right there.

I ain't goin' nowhere.

Calm down.
I'm calm.

You're gonna sit in the car.
Do your fucking job!

You're pushing all
the wrong buttons, pal.

We the victims, man.
We the victims.

That victim shit
is way overblown.

Just sit there and shut up.

Asshole.

Santa Claus strikes again.
Yeah.

Makes me want to go home
and lock up all my shit.

You better stop talking
to them police like that.

Shut up, you better stop
talking to me like that.

I can kick your ass for the
way you acting this morning.
Ain't that a bitch?

We gonna still have
our Christmas party?

How the fuck we gonna
have a Christmas party

with our apartment
looking like this?

We can't cancel the party, man!

What about the hos
we had coming down here?

I invited some nice-ass girls,

said they gonna fuck for a buck,

do something strange
for a little piece of change,

and I know we gonna make them
holler for a dollar.

One said they was gonna
suck my dick from the back.

I ain't never had that
ever happen to me.

I'm trying go see
what that be like right there...

Look, I don't give a shit
about you, that party.

All I got to worry about
is the rent.

- It was your idea to use half the rent money...
- No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't.

Whoa whoa whoa!

Dix, I think
we got something here.

Well, well, whose is this?

Actually, it's both of ours.

No, it ain't.

It is, but it's
for municipal uses only.

I mean, he got cataract,
lazy eye, little glaucoma.

See that eye right there?

Little shot of gonorrhea, see?

Do you guys have any idea

what we can do to you for this?

No.
Juvenile center?

We can make your Christmas
much worse than what it already is.

Being that it's Friday, that means you're
not gonna see a judge till possibly Monday.

- Aw!
- Maybe.

But since we're nice guys,
we're just going to confiscate this plant,

take it with us, until
we find this Santa Claus character.

Oh, that's fucked up, too.

Oh, hey, and when
we find Saint Nick,

what do you all want us
to do to him, you know?

Cracked ribs, fractured skull,

little eye gouge?

Fractured skull.

Beat the shit
out that motherfucker.

Eye gouge, that's the shit.

And an eye gouge.

I say you stick
a plunger in his ass

like they did in New York...

Fractured skull.

This is officer Brian dix,

I'm officer Alvin hole.

And we'll let you know
if anything develops.

"Officer a. Hole
and b. Dix."

We'll call you...

If we find anything.

I like them police right there.

Oh, yeah...

You got a big pile of dog shit

in the middle
of your bed back there.

You might want
to check that out.

Merry Christmas.

He the dick.

What the hell
is going on around here?!

Happy holidays, miss pearly.

Police running all in
and out of the building!

What the hell is going on?!

Somebody broke in
our apartment this morning

and stole all our stuff.

That bullshit security.

I sure hope they
didn't get the rent money

'cause you two niggas
been ducking and dodging me

for about three weeks now.
Me? I...

Today is the day
you motherfuckers

is gonna kick in.

Why you always bring your
ass up here with this shit,

harassing us?

With that big ol' wolf pussy.

You come here all the time
smelling like that.

Look, you don't
even own the place.

You just the manager.

And I'm gonna manage

to evict your skinny,
punk, black ass

on up out of here today
if you two motherfuckers

don't pay up your rent.

Manage to, like,
get that lined up.

Don't you worry about it, bitch,

I know somebody like it!

You need to take
your ass back downstairs

'cause you ain't evictin' nobody...
Nobody!

Unless you got a motherfucking army
with you.
What?

I don't need no army,
Mr. Smart-ass!

My son Damon home right now.

Damon!

I had a nightmare
about that fool last night.

Day-day!

Craig!

Which one of you bitches

want to wash my drawers tonight?

That'd be him.
Him.

Oh, okay.

I wash on sundays anyway.

Starch or press?

Starch, nigga!

Yeah! Damon.

Move!

Come on in, miss pearly.

Ooh!

When did he get out?

Last night.

And I'm gonna let
you two bitches

in on a little secret...

When you spend 12 years
on a level-four prison yard,

you become quite fond

of little ol' girls
like yourselves.

So either I'm gonna
get my rent money today,

or somebody getting
their salad tossed tonight!

Damn!

That ain't even necessary.
Sure ain't!

Me and day-day,
we start our new job today,

and I swear to god
we're gonna have

your money later on tonight,

cash... in your hand.

You better!

Either you fixin' to come see me

or Damon gonna come see you.

Simple as that.

You like 'cause
your son is a fag?

Shut up, bitch!

Oh, yeah, Craig.

Tell your fine daddy I said...

Ew!
Ew!

I hate that bitch!

Tight-ass pants, man, shit!

Look how tight
these motherfucking pants are.

I can't even do the James brown
in these pants.

Good, I don't want to see you

do the James brown.

We ain't never
gonna get no pussy

in these clothes, man.

I'm gonna get some.

Tasha, how we look?

Like a couple of rent-a-cops.

What about them rented tits?

See, the clothes
don't make the player,

the player make the clothes.

Rent-a-cops get pussy, too.

I'm not no rent-a-cop,
I'm a top flight security

and don't you never forget it.

And, I swear,

the first motherfucker
get out of hand

I'm gonna beat the...
Shit!

Craig and day-day.

Ohh.

Just the niggas I need to see.

Yo yo, what's up,
o.G., triple o.G.,

o.g. Triple,
triple... o.G.?

You got out last night?

I ain't seen you all
in about 12 years, nigga.

I know, I was little...

You're grown up now, though.

Give a nigga a hug, dog.

I'm about to go...

Ahh!

Yeah, man.

It's cool, dog, it's cool.
Come here.

Yeah, right there.

Group hug, nigga.

Come on, Craig.

All right, come here.

Get your ass over here.
Talk to you for a minute.

What's up, dog?
What's up, nigga?

It's good to be home,

'cause in the prison, dog, hey,

ain't nothin'
but the fellas, nigga.

I heard, that's what I heard.

I swear, man.

We got to care about each other.

That's right.

I'm feeling you.

Ohh!
Ohh!

Somebody go get my mother.

I heard you motherfuckers

ain't paid your rent this month.

Ducking and dodging
my moms and shit!

Get your titty off my chin!

Show up here tonight
without that rent money,

and we gonna get real
motherfucking acquainted.

You dig?

I can't breathe!
He can't breathe!

Do you dig?!

I'm feeling you, dog.
Trust me.

Digging it.
Good, good.

'Cause I'm gonna
only say this shit once!

Come on, man, let's go.

Yeah, you all look good

in your little tight-ass
rent-a-cop outfits.

Merry Christmas, niggettes!

Shit, man, that's bullshit, man.

He's gonna try and do
something strange to us,

watch, man.

No he ain't. I'm gonna
think of something.

That's fucked up, man.

He might do something
strange to you, though.

Puff puff and give it,
motherfucker.

This is good shit,
I ain't gonna be your...

Aw, damn, ow!

Hurry up!

♪ Hang all the mistletoe ♪

♪ I'm gonna get
to know you better ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ And as you... ♪

About a year ago,

my pops quit
his dog-catching job

and went into business
with my uncle elroy.

They opened up a spot
called brothers Barb-b-q.

Tastes so good,
make you wanna slap your mama.

You might've
seen the commercial.

Y'all tired of eating
that barbecue from up the street

where they give you more sauce
than they give you meat?

Well, bring your big ass
down to bros. Bar-b-q,

15837 south crenshaw boulevard,

that's right off Manchester.

Bros. Bar-b-q, tastes so good,
make you wanna slap your mama!

Don't it, Willie?

Yeah, boy.
Hey, mama.

What the hell you want?!

Ain't but one location,
so it's nearest you.

You might've missed it.

They only had enough money
for a 15-second spot.

But, anyway, my pops got
me and day-day these jobs

at the same strip mall...

Are you ready?

...as Christmas-help security.

Look, day-day,

we only security guards, okay?

Ghetto security guards at that.

We ain't cops, we ain't
america's most wanted,

NYPD blue...
None of that shit you watch.

We something like them.

No, nothing like it.

So all we gonna do...
Take it easy, make this money,

you gonna watch your temper.

I ain't gotta watch shit.

You gonna treat people right,
talk to people right...
No, I'm not.

'Cause you can get your ass
kicked around here real quick.

So? I don't care nothin'
about it getting out of hand.

And I ain't getting
into no shit because of you.

This is a job, man.
This ain't an adventure.

This is real.

And I wanna let you know,
I'm not having it.

Everybody's a suspect today.

And I told you I'm a player.

And I don't care none
about none of that.

Uh-huh.

Damn!

Come on, player,
get your ass out.

Aw, man.

Fucking... you remedial!

What does that mean?
Retarded.

That wasn't nothin'.

You dumb-ass, let's go!

I mess up all the time.

Come here, come here, look.

That's him!
Let's get that mother...

Ohh!
Get him!
Get him!

We gonna whup your ass!

Craig, day-day!
Uncle Willie!

What the hell y'all doin' to me?

What's going on?

Day-day, damn!

I didn't know that was you, pop!

I thought you was somebody else!

Willie, what are you doing
to the boys back there?

I ain't doin' nothin'.
I'm counting my money
at the cash register.

These fools knocked
the hell out of me.

We just made a mistake.

Day-day just ran in
and jumped on daddy!

He's lying, daddy!

Why you beating up
on Santa Claus?

What did he do to you?

He broke in our house
and stole our presents.

And Craig let him do it.

Why, Craig?

How you gonna blame that on me?

'Cause you...
You did!

I tried to fight him and day-day...
You lie!

I was screaming.
He wouldn't even help.
He's lyin'.

Well, what did you do, day-day?

He didn't do nothin'.

He stayed asleep the whole time.

Can I tell my story?

I ain't do shit, daddy,

but he could've did
something about it!

What did he look like?

He looked like Bobby brown
in a goddamn Santa Claus suit.

I heard about him.

They call him
"the Santa Claus crook"

or "the Santa Claus crip"
or something like that.

He robbed a lady out here
in the parking lot last week.

Called her a "ho ho ho"
and kept on running.

Who the fuck are you?

Oh, I'm cookie,
the new waitress.

And, um, elroy's new girlfriend.

Damn daddy, you got another...
You gonna catch something.

You should've kept
sugar's nasty ass.

What happened to her?

I kicked her country ass
to the curb,

hooked up
with her little sister,

that's how we players roll!

Elroy, you ain't no player.

Read my lips,
you ain't no player.

You don't know nothin'
about being a player.

Betty done had your ass
pussy-whipped

for about 30 years.

Nobody got me pussy-whipped.

I whips pussy!

You boys look really good
with your rent-a-cop outfits on.

Yes, very attractive.

This is top flight security.

We ain't no rent-a-cops.

Daddy, how I look?

Da da-da nah!

Like a damn snitch.

Aw, man, that's cold.

Like you ready to go tell
on somebody right damn now.

And where your flashlight at?

You're rent-a-cop, you're
supposed to have flashlights,

you got to shine some damn body.

We're supposed to get handcuffs,

flashlights, taser guns...

Two German Shepherds.

Y'all must ain't heard
what happened

to the last security guards
they had around here.

What happened?

Elroy, mama's in the kitchen
with the sauce.

Let's go...
Aw, shit, the sauce, move!

What happened
to the other two s...

Wait a minute.

Go say "hello"
to your grandmother.

Come on, let's go,
move your big ass!

What happened with
the last two security guards?

Mama!

Wake up, mama!

What the hell you want, Roy?

You're burning the sauce again.

Give me the spoon.

We're not gonna hit you, mama.

Lost your mind
since Willie slapped you.

Get your hands off her, Willie!

What happened to her?

You should've never let her
get into the commercial, elroy.

Got no business working.

You're the one gave her
a concussion, Willie.

You were supposed to be acting.

Should've smacked
the hell out of you.

How she doing?

Hey, mama, big mama,
you all right?

Who are you?

It's Craig, mama.

Who Craig?
Don't worry about it.

Your oldest grandson.

The smart one, not day-day.

She still having 30-second
black-outs and blurred vision.

Get the hell out of here!

Why you always playing
with her all the time?

That's enough
damn salt there, Willie!

I know what I'm doing.

Don't nobody want
all that goddamn salt

in their potato salad!

Y'all argue too much, god,

what the hell wrong with y'all?

Y'all should get married.

Why are you in so much
competition with me?

You jealous, Willie.

I can't help it.
I look better than you do.

You don't.

I cook better than you.
You can't.

My dick is bigger than yours.

It was cold that night.

Think of this,
last year at this time,

you had won the lotto.

Over a million dollars.

Anybody else would be living
in the French riviera.

You're back here
cooking pig feet with me

at brothers bar-bar-barbeque.

You tied-tongue dog catcher!

You best go check on the sauce.

Your mama's
out on her feet again.

Dumb-ass dog catcher.

"I'm a lotto stud,
lotto fucking stud."

So after pops and unc

argued for another 15 minutes,

it was time
to meet our new boss.

His name is moly.

He ran the whole strip mall

and owned holy moly donuts.

But, trust me, don't ever,
ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, eat there.

We'll take the usual, moly.

Hey, moly!
Hey, Willie.

How you doing, boy?

Good, buddy.
Merry Christmas, buddy.

Happy hanukkah, I'Chaim.

These are my boys.

I'll be with you
in just one minute, buddy.

Take your time.

Damn, Craig.

Just be still.

What's up, how's the business?

Everything is wonderful,
yeah, boy!

Have you seen our commercial?
No, buddy.

Bar-b-q tastes so good,
make you wanna smack your mama.

What the f...

Hey, buddy!

Moly, what the fuck wrong
with you?

Sorry, buddy, reaction, sorry.

Hey, guys, I hear someone
looking for a job, huh, guys?

I wanna ask you a question.

I, uh, okay.

When we get our guns?

No guns!

You are top flight,
unarmed security guards.

What about walkie-talkies?
And some flashlights.

What if we catch a girl
giving up some head

right in the back
behind the trash can?

I have to come back there
with a flashlight and catch her.

You guys are supposed
to be big tough guys.

You don't need all
these gidgets, gadgets, huh?

All you need is this here.

If there's any problems,
you just blow... toot! Toot!

These guys are here all
the time, they come running.

Goddamn, Craig!

Can we have some more donuts?
Please.

See? Very quick
response time, huh?

You guys ready
for tour of property?

Give me a twister. Make it two.

Hold the flies.

Keep up, come on,
one, two, one, two.

Come on, with me, come on.

Okay, guys, since you've
been here many times before,

I'm gonna make it
short and sweet.

Buddy, come on.

Okay, as you know,
this over here is my place.

It's holy moly donut shop, huh?

Say it with me, guys,
"holy moly donut shop."

Holy moly donut shop.

Very good, you get one free
bear claw every lunch break.

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

Come on, guys.
Come on, come on.

Okay.

Over here is the chrome dome.

You got cars, they got rims.

This one, of course,
is your family business...

Bros. Bar-b-q.

That's check cashing,
no I.D. Required.

And this one here
is a brand new store.

It's a pimp's and ho's.

Some kind of a flashy clothing
or something, I don't know.

Damn!
Damn!

Who is that?

That's Donna.
She's the owner's girlfriend.

He's a really funny-dressing
kind of guy

from out of town or something.

He's kind of a pig, though.
He treat her like shit.

I would love for her
to be one of my wives.

Damn, how many wives you got?

Me? Twelve, buddy.

Yeah, all of them freaks, too.

♪ Freaks come out at night,
what, what, what ♪

♪ freaks
come out at night ♪

Whodini, you know.

Yeah, buddy.

He's got a real big character.

He's short but big.

Hold up, wait a minute,

let me put some pimping in it.

He's funny-looking, huh?

I don't know
why he dress like this.

How are you? Doesn't matter.
Get the trunk.

Thank you.

He's got problems.

Quickly now, quickly.

Got a business to run.

Hey, buddy!

And don't drag that coat.

It costs more than you do.

Okay, and over here,

this is a liquor store.

Don't let nobody hang out
in front of the liquor store.

Nobody, buddy.

Nobody.

And this is your booth.

Any questions?

Yeah, I got one question.

What's up, buddy, what's up?

What the hell happened
to the last security guards

that worked here?
Yeah.

You ask too many questions, man.

It's time to get to work.

Come on, man, remember, you guys
are top flight security guards.

Best in the whole wide world, huh?
Right.

You have to defend this whole
place with your own life.

And I'll die for this shit, too.

Remember, Christmas Eve
means lots of shoppers.

If there's any trouble,
you come get me.

When you take care of it,
then come get me.

Okay, go, go, come on.

Keep it real, huh?

So when you gonna
ask him for an advancement

on the first week's pay?

Don't worry about that, day-day.

I'll ask the man
when the time is right.

You just keep
your rabbit-ass mouth shut.

Remember what Damon said.

You remember what I said, okay?

Don't start trying
to out think me, man,

because you're
gonna hurt yourself.

Where you think you're going?

It's small in here.

No, you big in here.

Get off my foot!

Just scoot over there.

Man, you scoot over.
Come on, man.

This shit is uncomfortable, man.

Can't even move in here.

So what?
Just deal with it.

I got to.

Shit. What we
gonna do now?

Just sit here and wait
for something to happen.

Not me.

That shit is boring, man.

Good, I like boring.

Easy money for us.

I hope don't nothin'
happen all day.

We can just sit here
and watch these females

shop till they drop.

Matter of fact, watch out.

Ain't this a bitch.

I'm waiting on some action.

You heard
what Mr. Moly said.

We top flight security
of the world, Craig!

Shit, not just the city,
the world.

Been jacked by Santa Claus,
all kind of shit.

They need security
in the world, Craig!

Shit.

For one thing, calm down.

Slow your roll.
Shit.

Don't let that man
pump you up, day-day,

and get your ass shot out here.

We ain't no damn top flight
security of the world.

We Craig and day-day.

So just kick back, relax...

You heard what happened
to the last security guards.

You didn't even hear
what happened

to the last security guards,

so how the fuck
is I gonna hear it?

Just do your job,
and I'm gonna do mine.

Shit.
No problem.

I'm gonna do my job.

No problem.

Get your damn feet
out of my f...

♪ Joy to the world,
the lord is come ♪

Bingo!

I got action.

What's up?

♪ Let every heart
prepare him room ♪

♪ And heaven
and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven
and nature sing ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

Heaven and...
Fuck all that shit!

Y'all hos gotta get off
this corner with that.

Excuse me, sugar.
What did you just say?

You heard me what I said,

"y'all hos gotta
move up off this corner."

You better watch
your little filthy mouth.

Now, you are talking
to children of the lord.

That's right!

I want you to know
who you talking to, too.

Top flight
motherfucking security.

Day-day, you can't talk to
these old-ass ladies like that.

Old?!
Excuse me!

Just back me up
and do your damn job!

Now, y'all move it on
and take that shit...

Wait a minute, bitch!

Now, I ain't no killer,
you understand me?
Okay.

But don't you push me,
don't you touch me!

You gonna make me
blow this whistle.

I'll clear all this shit out.

Fuck you and your whistle!

Y'all trying to use the lord
to sell pussy on this corner,

I already know.

Shut your little filthy mouth!

Calm down!

Let's go on to church,

and we gonna pray
for these niggas.

Have mercy, Jesus.
Forgive me, lord.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

What?
What's wrong with you?

You can't talk
to people like that.

That's somebody's
grandmama, fool!

Man, I can talk to people

any fucking way
I want to talk to them.

And I'm the law around here.

And I'm gonna write your ass up
for insubordination.

So let me do my job
and you do yours.

Top flight.

Man, I couldn't believe
how day-day was acting.

Ever since he got
that whistle around his neck,

he been acting like
a real asshole rent-a-cop.

Halt!
Hey!

Look at him.

Where you going?

To park so I can go
in the check-cashing place.

You can't park right here.

Why not?
Because there's a new policy.

Give me the number or you
can't park here in this lot.

I ain't never heard
of no policy like that!

'Cause you not met a top flight
security nigga like me!

Give me the number
or get fucking rolling.

Look at that fool.

I am not about
to give you my number...

Got to put a stop to this shit.

...for no parking spot,
okay, 'cause I'm married!

Get this piece
of shit out of here...

He was just playing.
Go ahead.

I'm not playing.

You better not park this shit.
Bye-bye.

You better bring that
motherfucking car back here.

Man, what did I do?

Day-day.
I got this!

Why every time you get
a little position of power,

you abuse your authority?

You need to work
on your people skills.

Oh, that's some bullshit.

My people skills are
way better than yours, nigga.

Just sit down and relax.

Bingo!
Got more action!

Get y'all little
bad-ass mo' over here!

Man, leave them damn kids alone!

Stop blowing
that goddamn whistle!

What's wrong with you,
day-day, you trippin'!

Some LAPD shit.

You know what?
Don't hate, appreciate.

You're just mad
'cause I'm always on the...

Crime...

Calm your ass down
one way or another.

You ain't gotta calm me down.

I'm the po...
Fire that up.

Not on duty.
Not on duty.

You better fire this shit up!

I ain't no
grocery store bouncer,

I'm a real top flight
motherfucking security guard.

You gotta recognize
the difference

between the police,
a top flight...

Light this shit.
We are not little no more.

Come on!
It's one-on-one!

What? What? What?

Come on!

You know what?

You're not gonna be
punking me when we get 40,

I'm letting you
know that right now.

This shit gonna stop
one day, dude.

Well, it ain't gonna stop today.

So light it up
before I beat that ass.

Whatever.
Yeah, yeah.

This Barney fife shit.

I'm thinking
of something right now.

That's some good shit, right?

No, you're a bad-ass
influence on my life.

Ever since I've been
kicking it with you,

my life has been
in shambles, dude.

Give me my goddamn joint.

Hold on, let me
hit it one more time.

One more time,
let me hit it, man.

Nigga, you gave it
to me to smoke.

I ain't no bad influence
on you, nigga,

I'm the best cousin you got.

If it wasn't for me,

you'd be getting punked
all the time, nigga.

And I keep you safe,
and I keep you warm, nigga,

'cause you know how
a little timid you are.

Look, look.

Whatever.

Man, it's just us...
Craig and day-day, damn!

Craig and day-day!

Hell, I was about to Barry bonds

y'all's black asses!

You almost made me
catch a heart attack.

I ought to hit you in your ass
and give you brain damage.

Let me hit that before Willie
bring his ol' square ass here.

You can go to jail for some shit
like that for real, daddy.

He been real brand new today.

How's it going out here so far?

It's been boring and quiet.

Just wait around,
them young thugs and hoods...

They don't come out
till about 1:00 or 1:30.

They coming. I just pray to god
I'm here when they come.

Uncle elroy gonna
beat the shit out of them!

Ho ho ho, motherfuckers!

What you looking at before
I shoot you in your mouth?

Turn around!
Up against the wall!

Jesus!
Shut up!

Turn around!
What you got, toothpick?

I ain't got nothin'.

Shitting on yourself.

What you looking at?
What you looking at?

Hey, man, don't I know you?

You gonna know
a bullet in your ass!

This is all you got?

I ain't got nothin'
but $20 funky-ass dollars.

I ought to shoot your broke ass.

Shut up!

What's up, al green?

You remind me
of them old players

that be up in the club
with them young girls.

You remind me of a young nigga

that's fucking
with the wrong old nigga.

Turn your...
He's gonna shoot your ass!

Get up against the wall!

Shut up!
Give me the watch!

Give me the watch!

No, not the rollie!

Now it's a stollie.
Give me the watch!

Looking like a Mississippi pimp!

Bitch better have
my sweet potato.

Ho ho ho, top flight security.

Merry Christmas, motherfucker!

Santa Claus got my rolex!

Do something, do something!

Day-day!

Santa ain't robbin' me!

Shit! Unc!

Hey!
Move, move!

...three quarters,
two dimes, and a nickel.

Ha ha ha!
That's good!

Don't y'all hear me
blowing this whistle?!

What is it, buddy?

We just got jacked
by Santa Claus!

He almost tied us up,
fucked us, and robbed us!

He pulled out a pistol and...

Are you on crack, buddy?

Hey, man, just let it go.

Get your goddamn hands off me!

Me and my cousin and my daddy,

we just got jacked
a minute ago by Santa Claus!

But you're
security guard, buddy.

That's why I asked your ass
for them two flashlights.

These guys!

See, that's why I hate
the fucking law!

Get your fat ass up
and go do something about it!

You get up, too!

Look, man, fucking
give me some flashlights,

or we're gonna
get killed around here!

Jacked by Santa Claus!

On Christmas Eve!

Twice in one day!

You wanted to grab somebody,

shit, grab that nigga
who stole my rolex!

Security. You need
to turn in your damn whistle.

♪ How do you want it ♪

Where you going, mama?

I'm going to make
my daily rounds.

Hey, can you make me
a sandwich when you get back?

Make your own damn sandwich.

♪ Got a brother
wanting it so bad ♪

♪ I'm about to pass out ♪

♪ Wanna dig you, and I can't
even lie about it, baby ♪

♪ Just alleviate
your clothes ♪

♪ Time to fly
up out it ♪

Tupac...
Tupac, Tupac.

Goddamn, you fine!

Ooh, nigga, the way
you talk gangsta, nigga.

Craig?

Day-day?

Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home?

Nobody here.

Oh, my goodness.

What in the hell
done happened to the mail?

Hmm. I ain't
the only one they owe.

Dirty bastards.

♪ Up and down
like a roller coaster ♪

♪ Gonna come beside you ♪

♪ I ain't stoppin'
till the show is over ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a rider ♪

♪ In and out
just like a robbery ♪

Ooh!

This child is filthy!

Huh! Wishful thinking.

Ooh! Weed.

Got me some weed!

Uh-huh, that's why they
ain't paid their damn rent.

Aah!

So what happened after that?

I don't want
to talk about that shit.

Y'all ain't gonna
catch no damn body.

I just want you to whip some
ass on your way to the station.

At least I'll feel better then.

What the hell were you
doing in the alley anyway?

I was emptying
the trash, Willie!

I'd already taken out the trash!

Well, it was full!

Don't you mess up
this b-b-barbecue business!

I'm gonna keep my eye on you!

I don't give a damn
about your lazy eye,

you popeye-looking son of a...

No, wait a minute!
I started this barbecue shit!

Is this the motherfucking
thanks I get?!

That's enough, enough!
Calm down!

I just appreciate you

even blessing me
with your presence.

Bishop magic Don Juan
and money motherfuckin' Mike!

What they know about that?

Let me get this straight...

For the second time, y'all
got jacked by Santa Claus?

- Yup.
- Yeah.

Black guy, wasn't it?

Nah, this was a nigga
that did this.

If I build it,
the hos will come.

Learn from the best.
God bless you, Mike.

Keep your game tight, player.

He got daddy's rolex!

♪ Dashing through these hos ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Everything is 25% off.
Everything must go.

Maybe even you.

Explain yourself now, player.

Day-day!
Ow, daddy!

You talk too damn much!

He didn't want to blow
his whistle, so I blew mine.

Craig. Craig!

Huh?

Pay attention!

That's the reason we got
jacked in the first place.

We'll make out
our report and get back to you.

Go on now, break this up,
let's go.

Come on, guys,
y'all have to get dressed.

The kids will
be here any minute.

Back to work, dodo.

I'm going back there.

I didn't know

you can make a snowman
in 80-degree weather.

Well, anything is possible.

All you need is a can of snow.

What's cracking?
My name Craig.

Hi, I'm Donna.

What's up, Donna?

What kind of stuff
y'all sell in here?

We got everything.

We've got fubu, Sean John, dada.

What are you looking for?

I don't know. Anything's
better than what I got on.

What, you don't like
the flashlight look?

Ha ha ha.

I see you got jokes.

Well, you can always buy
your girlfriend something.

We have ladies' wear, too.

Yeah, y'all do, huh?

I don't really got
a girlfriend, you know.

I usually get rid of them
this time of year.

That way you ain't got
to buy them shit.

For real?

Yeah, why not?

I'm just playing.

I see you got jokes.

A couple.

So that's your little
midget boyfriend?

Little micro-mini
pimp up in there?

Oh! What's cracking, baby?

My name is day-day, right.

This is my big-head ass cousin.

You know, beevo-latte, got
more head than he got body.

Check this out,

I just spotted you
way across from the lot,

and I'm gonna let you know,
it ain't your Booty,

it's your beauty.

If you see anything
suspicious around here...

Let me know 'cause
I got my eyes on everything.

Let's start off
by getting your number

'cause that's the only way

we're gonna be able
to communicate...

No, what you gotta do

is get your ass
back to that booth.

But, man, she like me!

Come on, woman.

I can't move that fast
with this stomach.

Why you gotta bring
your ass over here?

I was here trying to see
if she seen a Santa Claus
with a suit on.

What your ass doing over here?

You know what
I'm doing over here.

I just don't want no bullshit.

You know, all that
"my hair retain heat,"

I don't know nothin' about that.

I'm sorry,
I have to go help them.

Okay.

Fine piece, boy.

She fine.

She liked me, didn't she?

No, no.

Yes, she did.

How she gonna like you
when she like me?

'Cause she hadn't seen me yet.

I wish I hadn't seen you yet.

Can I help you?

I just walked in the store,

let me look around
a little bit, dang!

I can use some help over here.

In the men's.
Uh, yes.

Thank you.

Burn a pimp,
see what happen to you.

That's all you gotta do,
just burn a pimp one time.

I like this fubu sweatshirt
with some socks.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I just...

This ain't be happenin',
this ain't be happenin'.

Oh, no!

See that?

I seen that.

Turn him off!

What wrong with him?

Come on, bill, let's go.

I don't see nothing
in here I like.

No, you ain't sick no more.

That ass is got.
Come on!

Baby still kicking?

Yeah, feel like twins.

We saw that shit!

Saw what?

Let me go!

Get a hold on her, man!

Ahh!

Stop letting her kick your ass!

Y'all going to jail!

For shop-stealing
and stealing everything!

We ain't stole shit!
I didn't see nothin' I liked!

What about this?

Uh-huh!

Aw, damn!
They done got a player?!

That ain't nothi" you like?

You going to jail, sister Tyson.

I can't believe you did this!

I'm appalled!

You ain't Paul!
You a nigga that steals!

Y'all got the game messed up!

You gonna steal from a pimp!

Where is elroy?

He's in the back.
He doesn't want to come out.

What?!

Keep your voice down.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Come on out here right now
for these kids, elroy,

or you and I gonna fight!

All the money we spent
for these outfits.

Get your butt out here, man.

Aw, elroy, you look cute.

Oh, he's a cutie pie.

We ought to be celebrating
kwanzaa anyway.

Messing with these kids' heads
with this white man's holiday.

Oh, shut up, elroy.

Prance your ass over
and let them kids pet on you.

Oh, hell no, Willie!

That's where I put my hoof down.

Ain't nobody pettin' on me!

Will you shut up?
Come on, elroy.

Prance your ass over there!

Let them kids pet on you.

What's wrong with you?

That ain't prancin'.
It ain't easter.

I ain't know no damn reindeer.

Prance!
Look, like this.

Go!

Go!

You ain't gotta do this.

You was...

Shut the fuck up!

Little punk-ass bitch.

Y'all fucking make puppies.

It's Christmas Eve,
have some holiday cheer.

Holiday cheer these nuts.

Get back.

Hey, player.

Mike. Mike!

Get back!

Player!

No, no, let him through.

Come on, you little
shrimp motherfucker.

I'm gonna sue your ass!
Come on, cut me!

No, no, no!

Give me that, give me that.

I guarantee
I'm gonna bust my thing!

Think about your mama, man.

I'm thinking about your ass!

Think about what
your mama'd say.

You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.

You know what I'm saying?

I got a little razzle-dazzled,
it's all right.

My name is money Mike,
player, how you doing?

All right, then,
don't squeeze hard.

All right, what's happening?

This is my young girl Donna.

Say "hi," woman.
Hi.

What's up?

That'll be quite enough,
thank you so much.

See, the thing is,
we just opened up around here,

you know what I'm saying?

And we've been having
some problems, as you see.

I appreciate what y'all did
'cause these cockroaches

would've cleaned
me out this season.

Speaking of cockroaches,
where was your antennas

when them niggas were stealing
my shit out the store?

I didn't see them take anything.

You didn't see them
take anything.

Well, look next time!
Use your eyes!

They ain't supposed
to just be Hazel,

they supposed to do
some goddamn work around here!

This ain't for play.
I don't do this for fun.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry,
ho, be careful, lord Jesus!

You know what? I'm tired
of your presence... dismissed.

Nice meeting you guys.

See you later.

You got her trained,
nigga, damn!

You can lead
a ho to water, player,

but you can't make them think,
you dig what I'm saying?

I got to keep it
breezy around this bitch.

Anyway, I need
to take care of y'all,

I appreciate
what y'all did for a player.

I can't be everywhere
at all times.

No charge.

What about our rent money?
No charge.

Y'all sure?

Positive.
We just doing our job.

We can't charge you, man.

Hey, don't argue with no charge.

You can come to the store
anytime you want.

Can we get some clothes,
30% off, 40% off?

A fubu short set?

You don't need shit.

Man.

Look, we just having a little
Christmas party tonight.

Why don't you and your lady
come on through,

hang out with us and our folks?

Let me check my palm pilot.

Look like I ain't doin' shit.

Bring a bunch of bitches...

I'm talking about
a busload of hos if you can.

I was gonna get drunk and watch
the grinch, so I'll be there.

I'll get the address
from y'all later.

I'll see you later,
too, all right?

Yo, yo, player, hold up.

Never know
what I might need this for,

might come in handy,
might wanna shave,

might wanna shave
somebody else...

Never know.

I like that nigga, I like him!

Look, that's a real pimp.

Now, that's pimpin'.

Get off his dick, day-day.

What do you want
for Christmas, young fella?

I want a x-box
with all the games,

I want all the new gear,

I want a new Lexus
with a banging system

and chrome feet on it.

Here's my address,
Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones?

No, Santa.

I'm Santa.

Bullshit, you Mr. Jones.

I know where you live, too,

so I expect everything
by tomorrow morning,

you feel me?

Oh, yeah, put everything
in my mom's name.

He don't look like no reindeer,

he look like a pit bull.

Giddy up, pit bull.

You better stop jumping

before I have
to bite your little ass.

Can you lock your jaws
and shake like a pit bull?

Yeah, want me to show you?
Aah!

My brother said if a pit bull
locks his jaws like that,

you're supposed
to do this to him...

Aah!

I did not take anything.

It was all her, come on, man.

Take her!
Let me go!

Later, moly.
Okay, buddy, take care.

Hey!

♪ Bad boys,
what you gonna do ♪

Dodo!
Yeah?

Good job, buddy.

Yeah, thanks.
You, too, Clyde.

Take lunch, one half-hour.

That's cool right there.

Don't be late.

That's a dirty motherfucker.

He gonna blow smoke in our face
on the first arrest? Bullshit.

See? I told you there ain't no
future in being a company man.

Shit.
Let's just go to lunch.

Let's go, I'm hungry...

Ain't that...

Get them niggas!

Come on, sugars, come on!

Come on and get them!

Dude, I think...

Represent for your mama,

that's what I'm talking about.

I'm gonna
bust in your head, boy!

Run!

Come back here!

Go, man, go!

Run, day-day! Run!

Give you an ass whipping!

A whole lot of ass whipping!

Go down the alley!

Yo, big pimpin',
can you hide us?

Oh, yeah, I'm good
in a crisis, hold on.

Donna, code red.

Come on, in the back.

Sure has been a lot
of work today, player.

Pimping ain't easy but...
Can I help you, player?

No!
No? Well, this ain't the baby gap.

Fuck baby gap!

Oh, this is bullshit.

I'm in between
a pimp and a hard place.

Donna! Man down!
1130! Pimp in distress!

Can I help you?
Yo, move!

Donna, player down!

Who do you think you are?

What's your problem?
Move!

I can't let you back there.

Why? Who back there?
Did you hear me?

I can't let you back there.

Go, go, go!

Come on, come on!

Let's go.

What you doing?

Get back.

They in one of
these stores or something.

Check over there.

Come on.

Go! Go! Go!

Let's jump, let's jump.

Yo, moly!

I heard you hired two more
security guards around here

that's been harassing
my grandmother and thang.

I got two new guys...
Clyde and dodo.

You remember what we did
to the last security guards?

Yes, I do, buddy.

When you see them,
you tell them we said this...

Help! Somebody, help me!
Help me, please!

Somebody, help me, please!

Aah!

Did you see what they just did to moly?
Yeah.

They gonna kick our ass
when they catch us, Craig.

That's why they
ain't gonna catch us.

Come on! Come on!

Where them rent-a-cops at, huh?

What you looking at, old man?

Mind your own fucking business.

Come on. Just jump
on moly's car.

Craig, I'm scared, man.

So what? Me, too.

Fuck this. I ain't about to get
my motherfucking ass kicked

over no job, man.

You smart as
a motherfucker today.

Shit.

This way.

Oh, shit!

Wow, oh, my god!

Damn!

♪ Someone call 911 ♪

Moly, you got knocked
the fuck out!

Oh, good observation, buddy.

Where were you?
On our lunch break...

Trying to get something to eat,
so we could secure this lot.

Good, good, you were eating
while I was getting beating.

Look like somebody
beat the bricks

off your motherfucking ass.

You're supposed to be
security guard, buddy.

We are security.
Ain't that a bitch!

We are security guards.

Not anymore.
You're fired. Both of you.

Ahh! Oh, man!

Man, what the fuck?

Oh, hell no!

We just got this job,

how are you gonna fire us?

Turn over your whistles,
come on.

We need to be whipping
his ass right now!

Whup his ass, daddy!

I'll sue you.

Whup him!

Come on,
just give me the whistle.

Give me your whistle.

Give him the whistle!
Go on and blow that!

Take your stank-ass whistle!

That's good, dodo,
now it's dirty.

Get out of here!

L'Chaim!
Take your flies!

I hope your camel
got a ticket outside.

Get outta here!

Daddy, do something!
What you gonna do?

Can't just come up
in here like that, man!

Oh, I got it, I got it!

Y'all stick around here.
Yeah, boy!

Damn, you a better snitch
than we is, uncle Willie.

Yeah, boy!

Yeah, boy!

Help!

Help me, please!

Somebody, help me, please!

So, Craig, you're gonna
still have the party tonight?

I don't know.

I'm not even
in the spirit no more.

Don't let nobody ever take
your spirit away from you!

It's Christmas!
Be happy, come on!

That's right, baby.

Listen, it's not what you get,
it's how you feel.

You want us to bring
some ribs tonight?

No, I'm sick of ribs.

So what we gonna do, man?

Now, while everybody
was just worried

about getting their boogie on,

me and day-day
still had a problem to solve.

That's when I came up
with the perfect idea...

A rent party.

We'd just charge
everybody in the hood

to come kick it with us,
you know!

♪ Up on up
in this dancery ♪

♪ We got you open,
now you floatin' ♪

♪ So you gots
to dance for me ♪

♪ Don't need no hateration,
holleration ♪

♪ In this dancery ♪

Elroy, this stuff is weak.

What the hell else
you got, damn!

There you go.

♪ Come on, everybody,
get on now ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
we gots to get it crunk ♪

♪ Mary j. Is
in the spot tonight ♪

♪ And I'ma make
you feel all right ♪

♪ Come on, baby,
just party with me ♪

♪ Let loose
and set your body free ♪

♪ Leave your situations
at the door ♪

Aw!

Damn!

Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, jingle bells!

Hey!

Hey, hey, it's good
to see you, baby!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, man, I feel good.
How y'all?

Everybody, Merry Christmas,
noogah, from pinky, noogah!

Hey, look here, look here.

No hard feelings about
what happened out at the shop.

Everything's copacetic, noogah.

Every time I see you,

you're talking about
the same shit.

Be straight, man,
Merry Christmas.

Ha ha ha!
Check this out, man.

Since you got a lot
of money in your man-purse,

we doing a little kick-in party,

so I'm gonna need
you to kick in.

I got something for you
that's better than money.

Better than money?

I bought you and day-day
a little somethin' somethin'!

Check it out!
Better than money?

Ladies, come on in and say
"hi" to my friend Craig, noogah!

This is mo' wet.

How you doing?

Oh, yeah, show him
what you're working with,

shake it, shake it!

And right here is
one of my spice girls.

I calls her "cinnamon."

Cinnamon, huh?

You so cute.

Do it again, do it again,
I ain't playin'.

Oh, she's been on soul train!

And last but not least,
this is lollipop,

I calls her lollipop!

Hey, baby.

Whoo, lord!

Uh, look here, uh...
Thank you.

Look here, lollipop is all mine.

All right, that's cool.

She's all mine.
Hey, day-day!

Hold this for me, baby.

Day-day, what's up?!

Hey, you better watch
that jheri curl juice!

Damn, pinky! Shit!

Boy, you look good, man!

Merry Christmas, boy!
Thank you.

Hey, we still slinging records
out there at the shop.

You know, we miss you
down there, baby!

Man, I know y'all do.
Why'd you fire me, pink?

I had to!
Why?

You was always late, fool!

Say it again!
Say it again.

Say it again!

Hmm.

Damn, girl, you eating again?

Mmm-hmm.

♪ To everybody that be
living it up you say ♪

What's up o.G.,
triple o.G.?

What's up?
How you doing, man?

Everything all right?

I'm cool, dog.
Good.

Got my shank in case shit
jump off in this motherfucker.

Relax, homey, ain't nothin'
about to jump off in here.

That's my people, man,
that's my folks.

My grandma, my uncle.

♪ I'ma meet this chick,
fucking treat this chick ♪

What you need to do, man,
is grab one of these females

and get your boogie on.

I don't want to dance
with none of these hos.

You're a fool.

Ooh, what's up?

Merry Christmas.

Who's that?

How are you?

Oh, I'm all right.

You look great.

That's, uh, that's Donna.

Damn, you the greenest
little troll...

Nigga, who the nigga she with?

Oh, that's just money Mike.

Little lucky charms,
little micro-mini pimp.

Oh, that nigga look
magically delicious, nigga.

That's right.

Perm and shit.

Craig, look who here!

Yeah, bring him over here.

Bring his ass right here.

Oh, man, thanks
for coming through, man.

I appreciate that.

No problem, man,
thanks for inviting us.

We had to show y'all love after
what y'all did for us at the store.

You know what I'm sayin'?
We appreciate it.

Don't she look good?

Introduce me
to your friend, Craig.

Oh, that's money Mike.

That's Donna.
Hi, Merry Christmas.

This Damon, he live downstairs.

Whoo!

That was like the matrix!

Ooh! Got some
testosterone problems.

Um, why don't you go get me
something to drink, please.

Thank you.

Where is it?

Right through here.

No, no.

Like he dislocated my shoulder.

Yo, homey,
you ever been to the pen?

Hell, no, but thanks for asking.

Won't bother asking you, though.

Uh, Craig!
Yeah.

Where your bathroom at, player?

I have to piss
like a Russian racehorse

in the Kentucky derby
with a glue truck behind him.

Yo, it's right here.

I got to pee diddy!
About to get it on.

Hey, don't piss on the seat.

What's up,
o.G., triple o.G.?

You got that look in your eye.

Fresh fish on the line, nigga.

Ain't nothin' like that shit.

Yeah, baby!
Yeah!

Drink a little bit more water,

smell like ammonia
in this bitch.

Come on.
There you go.

One at a time, player,
one at a time.

Busy right now,
working with a monster.

You know what
this is, new Booty!

New Booty?

Don't fight this shit.

Fight what shit?
Just let it happen.

Let what happen?
What the hell you doing?

Phone book? Nigga, I ain't
even in the phone book.

What the... nigga, you better...
This ain't funny, nigga.

I'll bitch slap your ass.

Come on, I ain't playin'.

No!

Here's my card right here

if y'all ever want to be
pimped. Day-day.

Better not let pinky
see that shit.

I ought to give
it to him, though.

That's a barbecue card.

That's where I'm pimping,
out of the barbecue place.

Come and get
barbecue slapped, shit.

Sneaky son of a bitch.

Damn, he's been
in there a long time.

I told you he was sick.

He might be in there
throwing up anything.

Why don't we just step in here?

We can sit down
and wait for him in here.

All right.

♪ If you wanna try to make
the big boys holler ♪

♪ The situation ♪

You got a nice room here.

Pretty clean for a bachelor.

I got a nice bed, too.
Wanna try it?

You funny, huh?

I'm not trying to be funny.

I'm trying to spread
a little holiday cheer.

Get close to you.

So, what, uh, what
bring you to California

with just a little half
a prince motherfucker?

You know, I ask myself
that same question.

What am I doing way out here,

away from my family
this time of year?

But it's just hard.

Shit, just leave.

You don't understand,
it's not that easy.

I mean, he got you
all the way out here

so he can, you know,
mistreat you.

Do all them things to you...

You know, I want
to do some things to you

that, um...

You sure you don't want
to just, like, lean back?

What you thinking?

No!

Don't do it!

You got some condoms?

Day-day, get
the hell out of here!

You know damn well you got
all the rubbers in your...

Get the fuck out of here!

She liked me anyway, didn't you?

You're a trip.

You know what, don't pay
no attention to day-day.

That boy, he just a fool.
You know what?

Let's just go before Mike
comes busting in on us.

And, Craig, a word of advice...

You should get
a lock on this door.

I ain't never
gonna get no pussy.

What if I tried to get
a lock right now and just...

All right.
God!

Come on out of there!

Pop, what's the matter?
Who's in the bathroom?

That eggnog about
to kick back up on me.

You know I got them bad guts.

Man, pops gotta boo-boo,
come on!

Don't tell everybody!
Hey, you know what?

The lady will let you
use the downstairs...

The landlady, you know miss pearly?
Miss pearly.

Yeah. Go on down.
She'll let you use it.

Come on out of there, man!

Honey, where you going?

I'll be right back.
Oh, boy! Oh... oh!

♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ You sure did
treat me nice ♪

Ooh.

♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪

All right!

All right!

I'm Craig's daddy Willie Jones.

As you know, we're having
a little get-together upstairs,

and the bathrooms are jammed.

Oh, I like the way
you got that lined up.

Mind if I use yours?

No, come on in.

Where's it at?

Down the hall.
Thank you.

Uhh!

All right, there we go.

Mmm.

There we go.
About time.

Oh, just what I needed so bad.

Phew.

Yeah, there it is.

♪ I solemnly swear to stay down
and slang the seed ♪

How you doing?

♪ I'm gonna roll ♪

Tell me what you working with.

Oh, damn!

What's wrong with you, fool?

That's my woman
you're dancing with.

Hey, fool, your woman's
freaking with me!

I bought them titties!

What's wrong with you?

I'll bust a cap
right in your fat ass.

Don't mess up the party, elroy.

Dance with me, dance with me.

Come on, dance with me.

♪ Hold my hood up high,
in the name... ♪

Ahh!

Did you pee on me?

Wake your bitch-ass up,
lucky charms.

I like my fish wet and squirmy.

I thought I was dreaming.

You almost drown me, nigga.

Oh, you dreaming.
This a wet dream.

Wet dream? Wait a minute,
I'm a pimp!

You lost your mind?

What the hell?

Am I in prison?

Donna!
Pimp down!

You got a lot of balls!

Aah!!!

Ha ha!
Pimpin', pimpin'.

Aah!!!

You was just gonna take it,
wasn't you? Hmm?

You thought I was
play pimping, didn't you?

Yeah, okay, okay.

Could you just let me go?
Say something.

Please.
Huh?

Stop stuttering-d-d-d-d...

I was playing with you, dog.

I was playing, man, okay?

I'm a nice guy
when you get to know me.

Shut up! What the hell
you talking about?

I am a boy!

You are not in prison
anymore, Damon!

That's not how we do it!

Ahh!!!

This is pinky, noogah!
Look, I got to go peepee!

Uh, Damon,
are you a music lover?

Yes.
You are? Good.

Have you ever heard
of the nutcracker?

Ahh!!! Shit!

Have you?
Have you heard it!

Huh? Huh?

Yes. Yes.

♪ Crunching on your balls ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ What you wanna do?
What you tryin' to do? ♪

Mom, what's the matter?

Where did your father go?

Oh, he just went downstairs
to use the bathroom

over at miss pearly's...
You know, the landlady?

Oh, miss pearly.

Hmm.

Excuse me.

Mom...

Oh, shit!

Hey!

Whoo!

There are laws against people
with guts like mine.

That was a monster...

Why is it so dark in here, baby?

What are you about to do,
pray or something?

Did your son tell you
I said "hi"?

No.

Pertaining to what?

Your son Craig ain't paid
his rent this month,

and I'm about to throw him
out on his ass tomorrow.

So how much do you
really love your boy?

Not enough to pay
his fucking rent.

I have enough trouble
paying my own damn rent.

I'm not talking about rent,
Willie Jones.

Well, what you talking about,
miss pearly?

I'm talking about these nuts!

Ow! Hey!

You're gonna give me
some of this dick today!

I don't even know you, woman!

I heard they call you
"sweet dick Willie."

Who, me?
Yeah!

You heard that, huh?
Yeah.

Yes, baby, I'm a bad mother.

Can I have some of it?

Let me go, woman!
Hell, no!

Oh, no, you won't!

Oh, sweet dick Willie!

Willie, get your ass
off of that heifer!

Betty!

Daddy, get your ass
off that heifer!

Ow! Ahh!

Yeah, pimping!
Oh! Oh!

That's right.

Hey, I want everybody back!

There's gonna be
ball juice everywhere!

Everybody, get back!

Get back in the house!

Don't take anybody!
Damn!

Y'all get the hell
out of my house!

My dick wouldn't get hard!

Whup his ass,
mama, whup his ass!

Miss pearly, you ain't right,

trying to give
my daddy v.D.

I'm calling the police
on y'all, fool!

Well, get that lined up,
too, first, bitch!

Go to hell!

Player... player.

What's going on?

Ain't nothin', player,

thanks for inviting me
to the party.

Donna, get the car.

Come on, player.

Hey, them my vise grips, man!

Yeah, that's his nuts, too.

You can have them both back!

Look, I'm just saying, man,

let him go now and there
won't be no hard feelings.

No hard feelings?

Have you ever seen a
rottweiler bite a chihuahua?
No.

Me neither, but it
ain't pretty, I'm sure of it.

Now, you hold on
until I get in the car.

Dude, I'm not about to touch
his nuts or them vise grips.

Oh, yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

Bullshit.

You invited me to this party,
ain't that right?

That's right.

Hey, whatever y'all do,
make it quick.

I think I'm gonna pass out.

No, no, no...

It's your party, your pliers,
his nuts in your hand,

that's how it's going.

Donna, get the door.

I'll get the car door.

Give me a call
when you get a chance.

Yeah.

I'll call you.

Hold on.
Ahh!

Hey!
What?

Can you hear me now?
Yeah.

Can you hear me now?
Yeah.

Get these pliers!

All right.
You ready?

I'm ready. I'm ready.

You ready?
I'm ready, player.

On the count of three...

The count of three.

Here we go, one...
On your balls...

Two...
Grab a handful...

Three!
Go!

Go!

Hey!

Bitch, you can't leave me!

Hey, pimp in distress!

Bitch, I ain't... hold on!

How the fuck
you gonna leave me?!

He gonna fuck the lining
out of little prince.

Code 1132... pimp missing!

What?

You see that mother?

That... that... that's...

He the one broke in...

He the one broke in
our apartment!

You see him?

Yeah, he just went
through there on the side.

You ready?

I'm not going in there, man.

Stop being so scary.

All our stuff might be in there.

Why you always got
to be a hero, man?

Go over there...

I bet something
bite you in the ass.

I'm not going.

No, I don't want
to get bit in the ass.

Ten more minutes
before Christmas.

Ten more minutes.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Ahh, lord have mercy,
I'm tired as a runaway slave.

Let's see what I got.

Don't nobody
get me nothin' anyway.

Oh, snap.

Dada... I always
wanted me a dada.

Hell, yeah.

Extra medium, extra medium?

Hell, got to have something
for the skinny niggas.

Day-day, this could be
our last chance.

Oh, man.

You keep your timid ass here,

I'm going to get my shit.

Yeah, I roll into the clubs
just like this, baby.

Santa Claus up here,
grabbing me some wallets,

cigarette lighters,
some car keys.

Hold it right there,
you crack baby!

Yeah, let's get his ass, Craig!
Yeah, go!

Beat him, Craig!

...break in their house,
hit them with trees!

Hold him, day-day!

Turn around!

Ho ho ho, motherfucker!

Move, day-day!

Damn!

Aah!

Ow!

Damn, Craig!
Get his ass!

Shit!

Argh!

Mother!

Damn it, Craig, get up!

Top flight!
Get his ass, day-day!

Go!

Damn!

Shit!

I caught you, didn't I?!

You dirty son of bitches!

You don't know
who y'all fucking with!

I'm one of the coldest
niggas in the city!

Get out of my collard Greens,

my mustard Greens,
and my collard Greens!

I'd like to blowed
another hole in one of y'all!

Dirty son of bitches!

Come on out of there!

Next time I'm gonna shoot you
in the one that's winking,

not the one that stink!

Huh?!

Praise god.

Yo, dang, man,
what's up with that?!

I got a calling, I'm here
to deliver the word of god,

you know what I'm saying?

Please don't hurt me.

Beat that ass!

Get his ass, Craig!

Wait a minute!

Go, go, go!
Move!

Get his ass!

Come on, come on!

Get out of my house!

Beat his ass!

Oh, shit!

I know you're in there!

Ahh!

Go, go, go!

Move, move, move!

Come on, you two-time haters.
Where you at?

You know I ain't playin'!

Come on! Come on!

Respect my gangster!

Ahh!

Open the door!

Fuck, I'll kill y'all.

Take your broke ass home!

That boy can take a fall!

Y'all niggas don't know who
you're fucking with!

I told you I ain't no freak!

I'll kill you!

Can't catch me, baby.

Prime time.

Ha ha ha!

Ahh!

Damn!

Ow! What the hell?!

Shit.

Goddamn it, c.W.,
what did you hit?!

Man, I think
that was a dog, man.

I ain't playin'
with you, noogah!

Didn't I tell you
I was gonna fire your ass

if you hit something else?

Nope, I didn't hear
that part, pinky.

After you hit
that little retarded boy

with the fucked up walk.

You're costing me
money, c.W.

He still breathing.

Get your ass back in the car!

Ohh, noogah!

All right,
motherfucker, let's go.

Come on, noogah!

Get your ass
in the car, come on!

You done hit Santa Claus!

That was pinky's limo.

Look, he hit Santa ass, come on!

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh, got your ass!

Turn over!

D.O.A.

Should I tell him or you?
Let's both tell him.

You got knocked the fuck out!

Bitch!

Got his ass.
Got his ass.

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Sega Genesis ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Street fighter ii ♪

Ha ha!

Yo, day-day.
What's up?

I'm glad we got
our rent money back, baby.

What are we gonna do
with that fool?

I don't know, po-po's will get
his dumb-ass sooner or later.

Ho ho ho, motherfucker,
ha ha ha!

There you have it,

another Friday gone,
another problem solved.

We just took our stuff
back to the party

and left Santa Claus on the roof

for the police to get.

Far as I know, he's still
up there talking shit.

Pimp down,
pimp missing in action!

And money Mike,

you know, he's still
getting chased by Damon

all through the hood.

There's a loud party upstairs
that's keeping me up.

Could you please send a unit?

Miss pearly
kept on hating on us.

We didn't even care,
we kept on partying.

My uncle got drunk
and eventually passed out.

Look at pops...

You know, he showed his ass
till the po-po's came.

Open the door, let's do this!

Put down the b-b-barbecue.

But all they wanted
was some more weed.

So we hooked them up,

and I even kept
day-day's dumb-ass occupied.

And a German Shepherd!

Ooh!
Ooh!

That's until
my moms walked in on him.

And me, you know
how a player do.

I convinced Donna
to bring her fine ass

back to the party...

Got her in my room,

slid the dresser
in front of the door,

and got myself
a early Christmas present.

You know!

I'll beat-box your ass!