French Dressing (1964) - full transcript
A drab little English seaside town tries to improve its image--and increase its revenues--by holding a film festival. When a famous continental star agrees to attend, things get out of hand.
(air whooshing)
- Jim, Jim, Jim.
Come up here, I've got
something to tell you.
(footsteps approaching)
Don't hurry yourself, will you?
- No.
- Height of the season and
you're flicking stones.
You're missing a better
custom, aren't you?
- Where?
- Back there.
Don't look around.
Don't forget, ride behind,
smile when you take her money.
Now, before she scarpers.
We can't afford to
have them sitting down
for nothing, you know?
- Good morning, my love.
And what do I charge
for parking space?
- I'm sorry about that madam,
he's apt to overstep himself.
- Ha-ha, what a target!
(Jim laughs)
Where you been?
- We all make mistakes.
- Yeah (laughs).
- Don't know what
you're laughing at.
There's one on the
end of the pier.
- End of the pier?
- End of the pier.
- Yeah, I'll drop
you a postcard.
(dramatic music)
- [Henry] Season ticket.
(piano music)
- It's all go dear, ain't it?
- One more.
- Hey, what do you
feed this camel on?
Moth balls?
- Hold it.
If things don't
brighten up soon,
I'm flogging it to a
Chinese restaurant.
- You'll get a good price mate,
it's grown another hump
since it's been down here.
- What this place needs
is as squib up it.
- So does this camel.
(instrumental music)
I don't know why I let you
talk me into coming down here
and get playing nursemaid
a lot of empty deck chairs.
That's right, wipe your feet.
Look, stop going
round and round,
you're making me feel giddy.
You're like some big fat copper
watching me all the time.
You're supposed to be
entertainment officer,
well, so we'll get
your finger out.
- Well, Rome wasn't
built in a day, was it?
- No, and they had a better
place to build it, didn't they?
- By tradition, that flag
should have been down
15 minutes ago.
- Yeah.
- That's not the way to do it.
Here, come here.
Right?
- Yeah.
- Big Monster Carnival tonight?
- Yeah.
Got any spare tickets?
- Oh, I don't know.
You know, they're in big
demand, big attraction.
How many do you want?
- Just Judy and me.
- Only two?
Well, don't be late.
Hey, what am I gonna
do with the flag?
- Give you two guesses.
- 15 minutes late with the flag.
- Good evening, Mr. Mayor, sir.
- Good evening.
Very sparse along here?
- Well, they're all having
dinner just now, sir,
but they'll be out later on
for the Monster Carnival.
Should be a sellout with
your kind of participation.
- I was thinking it's
not fitting for me
to appear this Monster Carnival.
- Oh, but think of
the disappointment.
It's the biggest
event in our calendar.
- It better be for your sake.
- Don't you worry.
- I'm not worried.
- Come along son, does your
mother know you're out?
Wait a minute, let me check.
I think you're a
girl, you are a girl.
What you got there?
- "The Good Book."
- You're telling me
stories, aren't you?
That's an airline timetable.
- Did you know that
I could be in Rome
by this time tomorrow night,
or I could be in New
York by the next day?
- You can't go to New
York just like that.
- I can too, I've always
saved the plane fare home
just in case
anything went wrong.
- Well, you can't go tonight.
We've got to go to Henry's
Monster Gala Carnival.
- Oh, I'm covering it
anyway for The Gazette.
- They give you all the big
assignments, don't they?
- They should, I'm
the only reporter
with international
experience on the paper.
- [Jim] What was Gormleigh's
international correspondent
doing missing her coffee
break this morning?
- Very big deal.
Baby show.
- Bet you won first prize.
You're not thinking
of moving on, are you?
- I don't know, are you?
- Me?
No, I'm here for the
rest of the season.
Why don't you stick around,
you might learn something?
- Maybe.
- Oh, the Carnival's fancy
dress, put on a dress.
Come as a girl.
- Why don't you go
and play in traffic?
(mood music)
- Bit draughty around there boy.
Must be getting
near feeding time.
- Do you mind?
I'm on duty.
- Lovely turn out,
marvelous evening.
- At least there's
room to move, oops!
- You'd never think she was an
intellectual now, would you?
- Things are picking up, there's
still more than last week.
I think they're about
ready for it now.
Okay, Horace, let
the balloons go.
- Ow!
Don't just stand
there, come on, skate.
- No, I don't wanna show you up.
I'll stay with Henry.
He needs my support.
- Is that the time?
- Yeah.
- Oh, fancy dress.
- Mind how you go.
(Henry screams)
There he goes again.
Get a load of Henry.
More, more.
- Will you stop niggling him?
- He doesn't mind,
he's my friend.
- Yeah, well, I bet he's
lost a lot more hair
since you arrived.
- Yeah, we used to call
him curly at school.
lovely little fellow,
a little round face.
- You know, he got
you your job here.
- Look, I could have
got a job anywhere.
Southend, Margate, Ramsgate,
I could have earned much
more than I'm earning now,
and that's a dead cert.
- That really bothers
you, doesn't it?
That he's got such a good job.
- Call that a job?
I call that a living death.
- You can't even stay put,
you move from one
place to another.
- That's flexibility.
- Flexibility?
You're kidding yourself.
- What about you charging
all over the world
working in coffee bars?
- That's different,
I'm a writer.
- You're joking.
- You know, I majored
in psychology at school,
and I probably know a lot
more about your problems
than you do.
- Help me, doctor.
I'm so mixed up.
- A fine attitude to take.
- Lie on the couch
with me, doctor,
and let's discuss our
problems together.
- You're really impossible.
- Give me a kiss.
- Sex rears its ugly head again.
- Sex?
Don't mention that
word, drives me batty.
- You can't be original
about the whole thing.
- Talk to me.
- Ladies and
gentlemen, your judge
for the Monster Gala Carnival
fancy dress competition,
supported by the rest of
the members of his council,
his worship, the Mayor.
(cool music)
(Henry laughs)
- Quite a good turnout, sir.
Two more than last week.
I've got a whole selection
of talent lined up for you.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Eve, snake.
What a discerning choice, sir.
- Many congratulations, my dear.
What an interesting costume?
- Miss Adams is also one
of the town hall employees.
She works in the
accounts department.
- How nice, I must come
and check the figures
myself someday.
- Oh, dear, oh dear (laughs).
(Henry screams)
- You shouldn't go around
dressed up as a girl.
- I thought you'd appreciate it.
- Oh, I do.
- Poor Henry.
- What a fiasco that was.
All that palaver just to fix
up a scrubber for the Mayor.
- What Gormleigh
needs is a few ideas.
In America, we'd really know
how to promote a
place like this.
- Look, all this place
needs is populating.
- Yeah, but how?
- Well, I'm a boy,
you're a girl.
That's a good start.
Let's permutate around
that for a while.
- Now we're back to
sex again, are we?
Give you a deserted beach and
you revert to the obvious.
- Yeah, what's wrong
with the obvious?
- I'll tell you what is
wrong with the obvious,
it's too obvious.
- Come on, look, if you're
going to be a famous writer
you got to live a hit.
Give the... oh!
- Just look at me.
(Jim laughs)
- I can see through
your clothes.
- Well, then don't look.
- If this was a Bridget
Bardot film we'd play
a sexy love scene now.
- Well, she's in St. Tropez.
This is Gormleigh.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Judy.
Judy, I'm sorry, darling.
- You say that once more.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too, I'm also wet.
- Yeah, but I am sorry.
- You've got a marvelous
command of language.
What are you?
A linguist?
- Well, it's only water.
- And so perspective.
- Where's your sense of humor?
- That got wet too.
- Yeah, well, I said I'm
sorry, it was an accident.
- I fall in the water and
all you can talk about
is Bridget Bardot.
- I'm sorry.
- You don't know the
meaning of the word.
- Oh, I don't know.
All this fuss about
falling in the water?
Bardot does it all the
time, what a personality.
Do you know St. Tropez was
nothing before she went there?
What we ought to do is
bring in the Gormleigh.
Now there's a story for you.
- That's ridiculous.
- Anyway, I was forgetting
you couldn't get that printed,
it's too big.
- Oh, now just to
wait one minute.
I can get anything
printed in that paper.
- All right, you do that.
What we want is
Bardot, not Bingo.
- All right, I will.
All you can do is
daydream about sex bombs.
- See you tomorrow
morning, Judy.
(instrumental music)
Hard at it, pop?
- Yeah, we've got it
looking nice for B.B.
- Good morning, good morning.
- I've made you some
coffee, American style.
- Great, great, great.
Sorry I got you wet last night.
- It served me right.
I was nagging you, wasn't I?
- No, how do you
like the flowers?
- You're pretty
sweet, aren't you?
- Well, I don't
know, I don't know.
- I got you some pastries.
- Oh, marvelous.
- I hope you like them.
- Everything's all right then?
- Yeah, friends?
- Yeah.
(Jim laughs)
Well, that's that then.
We face the morning with
a smile on with the radio.
Good morning, Francoise,
you French darling you?
- Who's your friend?
- My favorite female,
Francoise Fayol.
- Oh, she must be
hard up for fans then.
- Jealous, jealous.
- Oh, so it's her
you're mad about?
I thought it was B.B.
- No, it's you I'm mad about.
I'm mad about your mind.
I lay awake at night
thinking about your mind.
- I bet.
- Jim, Jim, you're in the paper.
- Oh!
- I hope you like it.
- How about that?
Jim made the headlines.
Any pictures?
- Of Bridget?
- Oh, no, of me.
Where is it?
- Here, right here.
- Oh, yeah, what's
wrong with Gormleigh?
Last night we interviewed
Mr. James Stevens,
one of the council's new
frontier young executives,
gave his ideas for the summer
campaign to attract visitors.
High on the list was a visit
of the famous French film
star, Bridget Bardot.
Hey, you're talented.
- You made me angry last night.
- Mr. James Stevens,
young frontier executive.
Yeah, I like that.
- You won't when the
Mayor's through with you.
- Why is that?
- You work for the
council, don't you?
- Yeah.
- The Mayor doesn't like
his employees shooting
their mouths off about anything.
- I dare.
- I wouldn't be
surprised if you're not
an ex-council employee by
the time the morning's over.
- Well, I don't care.
I think it's a good idea.
- Come on, he wants to see you.
- I'm sorry, Jim.
- Come on, I've
got another idea.
- It's all my fault.
- It won't work, you know?
- You don't even
know Francoise Fayol.
- Leave it to me, where
Jim goes there's news.
Get up them stairs.
(bright music)
- Your worship, I got him, sir.
He says he's very sorry
and it won't happen again.
- Are you responsible for this?
- Yes, and this
is my press agent.
- Oh, how do you do?
Now, look here man,
my phone hasn't stopped
ringing all morning.
People wanting to know
when Bardot is arriving,
I haven't been able to
get on with any work.
- That must be most
frustrating for you, sir.
- It is my duty to se that
these machines are suitable
for our public.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- I will not have employees
in the council making unauthorized
statements to the press.
It always stirs up trouble
and upsets the smooth running
of Gormleigh's administration.
- Well, that's very good, sir.
You see, Gormleigh is
like these machines.
Who wants to see these?
No, you know what
Gormleigh wants?
Is more of this.
You see, your worship,
if Gormleigh became known
for this sort of thing,
they'd come flocking in
like bees after honey.
- Well, I--
- A beach full of
heavenly bodies.
- Don't be ridiculous
young man, Bridget Bardot--
- Ah!
I see you're a logical
man, your worship,
but there's more than
one pebble on the beach.
This is not B.B, this is F.F.
- F.F?
- Francoise Fayol, the
toast of Le Touquet.
Francoise Fayol in
Pavements of Paris.
Francoise Fayol in
Pavements of Marseilles.
Francoise Fayol in
Pavements of Dieppe.
Not bad?
- How soon can you get her here?
- You just leave that
to me, your worship?
She's just finished making
Pavements of Boulogne
and she's in Le Touquet
for the premiere.
Look at this, to Jim, (speaks
foreign language), Francoise.
You know what that
means, don't you?
- I don't recall
your position in--
- Deck chair attendant, sir.
Just started this season.
- Deck chair attendant?
And you come in here, you
were thinking of inviting
this interesting young lady?
- Well, she'll be coming to
the film festival, of course.
- Film festival?
- Yes, the Gormleigh
Film Festival.
Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
- Film festivals
cost a lot of money.
- I don't think I
can get Francoise
to come without a film festival.
- I think you're wasting
my time young man.
I don't believe you
know Francoise Fayol.
- Know her?
All I have to do is whistle.
- All right, deck chair
attendant, you whistle her up
and we'll have a film festival.
- Have you got that down?
- Naturally.
- I may quote you, of course.
- What?
- The Mayor agrees that
the Gormleigh Film Festival
is to be attended
by Francoise Fayol,
the sex bomb of the new wave.
- It'll run in the next edition.
(telephone rings)
- Excuse me, Mayor's office.
- Excuse me.
- When's who arriving?
- Excuse me, hello.
No, no, no, no, no,
I've been misquoted.
No, no, no, no, not B.B.
No, F.F, Francoise Fayol.
Oh, yes, yes, she's
kindly consented
to open the Gormleigh
Film Festival
James Stevens, a publicity
officer to the film festival.
Yes, yes, yes, you
can quote me, yes.
Bye.
Daily Mirror.
- Good Lord, do you
know what you've done?
- Make it started already,
nationwide publicity.
Don't worry, your worship,
you attend to the details
and I'll supply your star.
- You'd better deliver young
man or you'll never work again,
any of you.
- Good morning.
(trumpet music)
(Guitar music)
- Got the tickets?
- You've got them,
I used to know a bird
like this, all mouth.
Hey, don't lose them.
- Well, I'm not likely to, am I?
- Yes, you are.
- Two days trip to Boulogne.
I've only got 13 and six left.
- Not exactly
Rockefeller, are you?
- It's not exactly the
beginning of the month, is it?
- Oh, stop bickering.
- Why can't he be like me?
Why can't he just say, yes
sir, no sir, I'm sorry, sir,
I won't let it happen again.
Why do you have to be inspired?
- The place is buzzing boy,
your phone's been
ringing all day.
- Yeah, well, that's true.
- What?
Complaints?
- No, they're all excited
about it.
- Well, I feel like
I'm being deported.
- The trouble with you, Henry,
is you don't think
positively enough.
The power up positive
thought is what is needed.
- I've got a positive thought.
- What's that?
- What if F.F doesn't
want to come to Gormleigh?
- What do you think I've got
all this gear on for boy?
She won't be able to resist me?
- Oh, get a load
of prince charming.
- Anyway, she's a film star,
she needs the publicity.
- Yeah, why don't we
just phone her up?
- Leave a light
burning in the window,
don't pine for me love.
- Oh, I think I
can last one day.
- I should go away more often.
- Hurry up, you'll
miss the pier.
♪ Pretty little turtle dove ♪
♪ Sitting on a vine ♪
♪ Longing for her ♪
own true love ♪
♪ As I do now for ♪
mine, for mine ♪
♪ As I do now for mine ♪
♪ Up on the mountain ♪
the other day ♪
♪ A pretty little flower grew ♪
♪ Never did I know ♪
till the other day ♪
♪ What love oh love, ♪
could do, could do ♪
♪ What love oh love could do ♪
♪ If I had a lazy man ♪
♪ I'd scold him sure ♪
as you're born ♪
♪ I'd take him down ♪
to New Orleans ♪
♪ Trade him off for ♪
corn, for corn ♪
♪ And trade him off for corn ♪
♪ But I'm a poor country girl ♪
♪ Money I have none ♪
♪ But there's a ♪
silver in the stars ♪
♪ And gold in the ♪
morning sun, sun ♪
♪ And gold in the morning sun ♪
(speaking in foreign language)
- Le Touquet.
- Le Touquet.
(speaking in foreign language)
- What did he say?
- I don't know.
(Speaking in foreign language)
- Henry, I've found her.
- You what?
- Well, where is she?
- Voila.
Francoise Fayol,
"Rues de Boulogne."
- That's a new film.
- Yeah, bit pale, isn't she?
- Yeah, she wants to get
out in the sun a bit more.
Oh, how do you do?
- Hello, darling.
- There's another
one over there.
- Where?
- Hey, look!
The Martians have landed.
- Oh, no.
- Thousands of them, look.
(both laughing)
(bright music)
- Hey, what a pity
they're not real.
- Yeah, they're like
me, soft and cuddly.
- Hey, look at that
car on the pavemement.
- Maybe they're allowed to drive
on the pavement in France.
- That's ridiculous, ain't it?
- Just a minute.
(car engine revs)
- It's coming for us.
Swine.
- Swine.
Who did that then?
Murderer, swine.
- Who do you think
your trying to kill?
- Who so you think you are?
Hey, you, stop!
Stop!
You nearly killed us.
I thought you were going to--
- Hey, hey!
(car engine revving)
What do you think you're doing?
- What's your game.
(Francoise shouts
in foreign language)
(all shouting)
- That's her, that's
Francoise Fayol.
- Hello, Miss Fayol.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Excuse us, my friend
didn't recognize you
with your clothes on.
- No, I didn't.
- What do you mean,
didn't recognize me
with my clothes on?
- What do you have
to say that for?
- I'm a serious artist.
- Yes, you are, exactly.
- Of course, you are.
(speaks in foreign language)
- My name is Jim Stevens,
I'm in publicity.
Henry Liggett, Henry Liggett,
he's in entertainment.
- Entertainment, yes.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
How can anyone take me seriously
when I'm floating around
the beach full of gas.
- Exactly, now, I have a little
proposition to make to you.
I'm a great admirer
of yours, Miss Fayol.
I'll tell you what we do,
we'll do anything to help you.
We'll knock all
these balloons down,
we'll smash the beach
- Really,
you will really help me?
- Yes, yes.
- Good, come with me.
- Certainly.
What do you want us to do?
- Shhh!
Burn them.
- Have you got any matches?
- Let's go.
- You can hardly
see your way here
with all these dummies around.
- Now will you do it for me?
- What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes or no.
- All right then.
- All right, let's do it.
- Yeah, oops, hang on, oops.
(bright upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
(Vladek speaks in
foreign language)
- May I introduce,
this is Vladek,
my fiance, the famous producer.
(Vladek speaks in
foreign language)
- [Henry] Hello, very
nice to meet you.
- That's the end of your
stupid publicity stunt.
- Are you mad?
These things cost money.
- Well, it's stupid idea.
- Stupid?
This is the best
publicity you've had
for any of your pictures.
- Cheap publicity, cheap.
- Cheap?
You don't realize the money
and my precious time
I've spent on you.
(Francoise speaks
in foreign language)
- You are responsible for this,
I'm going to call the
police, criminals.
- Miss Fayol asked
us to burn them,
anyway, it's
ridiculous publicity.
- She's a serious artist.
- Serious?
Without me she'd
still be modeling.
- Oh, I did it only for
paying my drama studies.
- Drama?
- She's developed since then.
- Yes, she's very
well developed.
That's why I can get
money for her pictures.
- Oh, in your film all I have
to do is take off the clothes.
Why can't you make a picture
where I can act with my mind
instead of my body?
- How I'm going to sell a
picture about your mind, idiot?
(speaks in foreign language)
- Cherie.
- Oh no, you don't
understand me.
- Please, we are going to Rome.
I have a wonderful
story for you.
- Oh, yes, so I have to take
off my clothes in Italian.
- Please.
- Oh, don't start
that all over again.
No, I'm not going to Rome,
I'm not going anywhere.
- All right, do as you like.
- And I don't want to see
you again until you find me
a film worthy of my talent.
- Your talent is worth
nothing without mine.
(shouts in foreign language)
- Don't worry, come to our
place and have a cup of tea.
- All right.
(trumpet music)
- Right gentlemen,
chests out, stomachs in,
do Gormleigh proud.
We want a little more fortissimo
and a little less pianissimo
for our distinguished visitor.
About turn!
- Look, they're
round the other side.
All down, we're coming around.
We're coming around.
- Over there, over there.
- Where are they going?
Come on, come on!
Here we are, Gormleigh.
- Unbelievable.
- May I present,
Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol.
(audience shouting)
- One more.
- Mademoiselle, I
welcome you to Gormleigh.
(Jim speaks in foreign language)
- Yes, yes (speaks
in foreign language).
Nice to have you here.
- So you are a Mayor?
I'm looking forward to
find out all about you.
- Mutual.
- Marvelous reception,
your worship.
- Excuse me.
I will take over now, very
good job, Mr. Liggett.
- Thank you, thank
you very much.
- Not at all, you can
take the second chair.
- What am I gonna
do with this lot?
- I'll give you two guesses.
- Must look after you now
that you're in our hands,
so to speak.
The old people of
Gormleigh have given up
their afternoon spin so
that you may be driven down
the longest piers in
Britain, if not the world.
Forward!
(instrumental music)
It now gives me great
pleasure to present
to you the symbolic key
which makes you a free man
in the town of Gormleigh.
it is also the
key to our hearts.
(speaks in foreign language)
You too.
(audience clapping)
We now invite you to take
the salute at our precession
which is designed to cement
Anglo-French relationships.
Right, let the
precession commence.
- Horace, the first float!
- William the Conqueror
and Harold at the
Battle of Hastings,
England and France get together.
So you see that you're not
the first native of France
to conquer us?
A great French invention,
Madam Le Guillotine.
I did the working
drawings myself.
I'm a bit mechanically bent.
- Oh!
- Fascinating toy.
- Oh, yes.
- The French Arts, all local
talent are selected by myself.
That one minus the
ear is Van Gogh.
He cut it off.
They're a funny lot these
foreigners, I do beg your pardon.
Mr. Shorthouse is
Toulouse Lautrec.
And now a tribute from
the British Legion
to the Foreign Legion.
- Sir, there's been a delay.
Napoleon and Josephine, they're
jammed around the corner.
(audience applausing)
Where's he gone now?
Blimey, he hasn't
seen the other things.
We haven't finished
yet, come back!
- [Mayor] Abandon ship.
- [Announcer] England.
♪ Rule Brittania ♪
- Come on, come on.
♪ Brittania rule the waves ♪
It's all right,
they're coming back.
♪ Britains never, never, ♪
never, shall be slaves ♪
♪ Rule Brittania ♪
♪ Brittania rule the waves ♪
♪ Britains never, never, ♪
never, shall be slaves ♪
(Francoise coughs)
- I might have been drowned.
- Oh, no, you were
all right close to me.
I've a medal for life saving.
- It's all right, sir.
Napoleon and Josephine,
I told them to hang on.
- I swallowed half
of your stupid sea.
- Get a move on.
Come on, don't keep
the Mayor waiting.
- Oh, there, there.
Just a little contretemps.
We'll have you out of these
damp clothes in a minute.
- Oh, I'm cold and shivering.
- Now, now.
- Sir, what about
Napoleon and Josephine?
- Will get the limousine?
- Get me out of here
before I scream.
- We'll soon have you in
the Sarah Bernhardt room.
Just a... see, we'll have
you home and dry in a jiffy.
(rain pouring)
(instrumental music)
- It's just a
passing shower, miss.
Excuse me, oops!
Remember Sir Walter
Raleigh, sir?
- Who?
- Raleigh.
- Yeah, here you are.
- Thank you.
(Francoise screams and
speaks in foreign language)
- If I wanted to, I
could conquer the world.
- It hasn't exactly got
you anywhere, has it?
- Well, I got F.F, didn't I?
- You mean it's got you
back to your deck chairs.
- Henry and the Mayor
couldn't do what I did.
- I suppose you think
you're the one conquer her.
- Well, I have a certain
(speaks in foreign language).
- Oh.
- [Mayor] Stevens!
- [Henry] Jim!
- [Mayor] Stevens!
- Oh, we're being followed.
- Yeah.
- Quick, quick,
come to the hotel.
- What for?
- She's so temperamental.
- Who?
- F.F, I'm afraid she
might do something silly.
If she left now, the publicity.
- Yes, be rather
embarrassing, wouldn't it?
- She became violent.
She threw mud in
his worship's face.
- She says she wants
to speak to you.
- I don't know why.
- Yeah, well, I do.
We have certain
understanding, you know?
- Look, never mind the chairs.
She might be packing now.
- Yeah, or talking to reporters.
- Yeah, look, Stevens,
you go talk to her.
- Well, all right.
As I'm publicity officer for
the rest of the festival.
- Right.
- With unlimited powers
to carry out the publicity
the way that I want to.
- Right.
- I ought to see what I can do.
- Right.
- Yeah, well, I will just
get these chairs away.
- Hey, hey, never
mind the chairs.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, we'll do 'em.
- No, you'll do 'em.
- Hello.
- [Jim] Festival
publicity officer here.
- Oh, Jim, it's you.
- [Jim] Yeah, it's me.
I bet you didn't miss me,
I bet there's
somebody else already.
- Never.
- [Jim] Yeah?
- Well, actually,
there is somebody else.
- Who is that?
I'll do him.
- [Francoise] His worship,
the Mayor, of course.
- It's about time somebody put
him in his place, the old--
- Goat.
- [Jim] Yeah.
- A pompous old goat.
- [Jim] That's the word
we're searching for.
Look, look, it's about
time he was brought down
a peg or two.
Will you help me?
- Oh, it will be a pleasure.
- I've got great idea for
a little publicity party
on the beach tomorrow.
Can I come up and discuss
it with you privately?
I'm coming, I'm
outside your door.
(Francoise laughs)
(door knocks)
(mood music)
Good morning, good morning,
good morning, good morning.
Still churning it out, I see.
- What does it look like?
- All good stuff, nothing
too near the knuckle.
- I'm writing a novel, not a
bedtime story for children.
Hope you enjoyed
yourself last night.
- What, with Francoise?
Well, I had to spend
the whole evening
persuading her to stay.
I had to use all my charm.
- Ooh, what a schmoo.
- Jim.
- Excuse me, duty calls.
See you later.
(speaks foreign
language) one and all,
and a (speaks in
foreign language) it is.
There it is.
That's the shot that we
want, pier in the background.
The Mayor and civic dignitaries
join Francoise Fayol
in the delights of Gormleigh.
Right, gentlemen.
Shoes and socks off.
Paddling.
- Oh, I hardly think.
- I thought we decided
to create a new gay carefree
image for Gormleigh.
- Yes.
- Well, the publicity
officer strongly advises you
to take off your shoes and socks
and show him your
itsy pink tootsies.
- I don't think--
- You will take off your
shoes and stockings,
and I will too.
(councilors groaning)
- Come on, tootsies in
the briny, Mr Liggett.
- Tootsies in the briny,
I'll give you
tootsies in the briny.
- Yeah, boys, get
ready to take one
of the greatest
picture of the year.
Smile, gentlemen, you're
doing this for Gormleigh.
(camera shutters)
- Oh, Jim, you great fool.
We are all soaked.
- We've got some
marvelous pictures.
- I'm very pleased,
perhaps I may now return
to more prosaic duties.
- But darling, I haven't
christened my new bathing costume.
It would be so nice,
would it not Mr. Stevens?
If you had some photos in
bathing costumes, all of us.
I'm dying to try it on.
- Well, if it's going
to help the new image.
- Oh, it would, it would,
it would, Mr. Mayor.
What a marvelous idea?
Everybody into bathing costumes.
- Oh goody, goody.
- I will be out of
this dress in a second.
- First places,
please gentlemen.
Grace and movement, on
the ball, fairy dancing.
Ready, steady, go.
There we are, gentlemen.
Frolic like little lambs.
Right boys, immortalize that.
(Jim yawns)
(speaks in foreign language)
Thanks, fellows.
Fabulous!
See you at the film festival.
See you later, Judy.
That went great darling,
and you were marvelous.
Hey, we've got some
fabulous pictures.
The Mayor will never
live this down.
Blimey, I bet labor gets in.
What's needling you?
- Nothing.
Looks as though you've
find your vocation at last.
- What?
- Organizing pin-ups instead
of just drooling over them.
- Well, it's progress, isn't it?
- Progress?
By promoting the
Gormleigh Film Festival
with those idiotic films?
- They're all art
films, especially hers.
- Art, with a
capital T you mean.
- You don't seem very happy
in Gormleigh these days.
- I've liked it here,
but I think I'll be leaving
after the film festival.
- Yeah, well, I expect I
should be moving on myself.
Things are opening up,
I might become Francoise
publicity manager.
- At least one of
us will be happy.
- Well, I've got to
settle down some time,
you wouldn't want me to stack
deck chairs all my life,
would you?
- No.
- On the other hand, I might
become a big time publisher.
Promote your book, you
can give me a kiss.
(instrumental music)
- Good evening,
once upon a time,
Gormleigh was an average
sort of seaside resort,
where the landladies
locked up the jam
at five o'clock prompt and
there was very little left
to do except carve your
initials on the bus shelters.
But this week Gormleigh started
his first film festival,
and in the best traditions
of film festivals everywhere,
is managing to combine
art with business.
- One more love.
That squimp of yours certainly
livened this place up,
didn't she Jimmy?
- At film festival,
it's axiomatic
that if you can get a film
star to sit on a camel,
the rest of the world will pay
you to let them do the same.
(Jim laughs)
- Get in there boy.
- The publicity men,
who are the chaps who
run film festivals,
think that an event is
cultural if it's foreign,
and even more cultural if it's
wearing a bathing costume.
(trumpet music)
Someone's been feeding them
meat, probably Mr. Jim Stevens,
the publicity man.
The case of champagne and a
few girls and he's managed
to release the
pleasure-loving spirit
which must have been
seething for years
beneath the
Gormleighian blanket.
The Mayors of Bridgemouth
and Westbourne
are here in the
capacity of observers.
- We've been invited to be
made to feel uncomfortable.
- I agree, no self-respecting
holiday maker could relax
in this un-English atmosphere.
- But you've got to
admit it really was
rather crafty Gormleigh
to think of such a thing,
aren't you just a teeny
weeny bit envious?
- It's just a dirty trick
to take our holiday
makers away by--
- By unfair means.
- Yes, precisely.
- Our business in
Westbourne has been ruined.
- But you could start
your own can-can show.
You could even build
your own casino.
- We won't ask our ratepayers
to subsidize anything
so un-English.
We'd rather tighten our belts
and stand by our traditions.
- Excuse me, (speaks
in foreign language).
- Disgusting.
- So, as far as
you're concerned,
no subsidies for the arts then?
- Not for anything
so un-English.
We shan't take this
lying down, oh no.
- We'll show them
what we think of them.
- Who knows where it'll all end?
Apache dancing in
the Floral Hall,
Absinthe in the
ice cream parlors.
(classic music)
Tomorrow, Miss Francoise
Fayol is to officiate
at the opening of
a Nudist Beach,
a novel enterprise
which all well-wishers
are hoping won't
frighten the horses.
She's also the hot favorite,
at least with the Mayor,
the Golden Cockle, which is
the Award for the best actress.
Tonight is the last
night of the festival
and Miss Fayol is
indisputably the star.
Miss Francoise Fayol.
- Mr. Robert Robinson.
- It takes real
courage to set foot
in English seaside resort
at the height of
the holiday season.
What profit do you
think you've had
from this intrepid expedition?
- I've got to know
the English people
and so I hope, deepened
my understanding of life.
- Oh, bravo.
Well, I dare say you found
the publicity rather tedious.
- But I'm an actress.
- News of the World,
very important newspaper.
- What a troupor you
are, but this insight
into the English character
that Gormleigh's given you,
what are you gonna do with it?
- I would like to
use it in my work.
- Season of the
classics possibly?
- Why not?
Shakespeare J'adore.
- This is good news.
- Excuse me darling,
darling, the reception.
If you want any more
details, Jim Stevens,
publicity officer.
Excuse me, make way
for Mademoiselle Fayol.
- Jim, please, let me through.
- Make way for
Mademoiselle Fayol.
Make way for Mademoiselle Fayol.
- Jim.
- Judy.
- Jim, Jim.
- Mademoiselle Fayol will
sign autographs afterwards.
Yes, afterwards.
- Jim, I'm here.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
After the show everybody,
after the show.
Excuse me.
- As I said earlier,
at film festivals,
they sometimes
actually show films.
- Here we are, the best
seats in the house.
- Thank you, you're
very gallante.
- Well, if I had my way,
we'd be on the back row.
- Really?
Why, are you long-sighted?
- Quite a little
coquette, aren't you?
Certificate X, oh, I
do like an adult film.
"Rue de Boulogne."
(French music)
- I can't bear watch it.
I feel so strange when I
see myself on the screen.
- Do you?
Would you like to go outside
for a little refreshment?
- Yes, forgive me
but I'm so nervous.
- There's nothing
to be nervous about.
I'm going to do my very best
to see that you receive
that Golden Cockle.
- Ready?
(gramophone music)
- Any minute now.
- Get all this filthy
rubbish off of here.
You don't want to
watch this stuff.
(audience shouting)
- A cup of cheer?
- I hope they like my film.
I hate to make these
kind of pictures.
- I'm sure it's most artistic.
- Artistic?
Do you know what I have
to do in this film?
- No.
- Some stupid man
comes to kill me.
- Oh, dear!
- I'm not afraid, I
put my arms about him.
- You do?
- Yes, and what he does?
- What?
- He pushes me away.
- I fall on the bed and he--
- Yes?
- Scares me with a
big, how do you say--
- Chopper?
- Knife.
I put on the gramophone and I
start to take off the clothes.
- All of them?
- Well, pullover and the
skirt and, how do I call this?
- Brasserie?
- Oh.
- Then what do you do?
- But it's all so stupid.
- Yes, well what?
- Because I'm a serious artist.
- What did he do?
(champagne pops)
- Oh, careful.
- It doesn't matter,
it doesn't matter.
Mademoiselle Francoise.
- Mr. Mayor.
- Call me Arnold.
- Arnold.
What is this?
- The Golden Cockle,
take it, it's yours.
- Arnold, you're so sweet.
Let me give you a kiss.
(crowd shouting)
- I like a festival
with a bit of life in it
and I don't think on that
score that the sourest critic
could complain about Gormleigh.
These boys really worry
about cinema, good night.
(crowd shouts and screams)
- And as for Mademoiselle
Francoise Fayol,
the actress who starred
in this atrocious film,
nature may have endowed her
amply enough to start a riot,
but anyone who
expected more of her
than a skillful
strip-tease is going
to be very disappointed.
(door knocks)
- Who is it?
- Hello, it's me.
- Come in, Jim.
- Sleeping late I see.
Sorry about the notice.
- When I'm unhappy, I
can't get out of bed.
I just want to bury myself.
- It's only Judy, she's jealous.
- Jealous?
- You and me.
- Oh, you don't want me?
Nobody wants me.
- Oh, no, there, there.
Come on, don't cry.
- I am so miserable, so lonely.
- Well, I'm here.
- Pass me a roll please.
So awful, like a circus.
And I'm like a funny animal
they are all looking at.
- Butter?
- Yes, please.
And I'm all alone in
this strange place,
no one to look after me.
- But I'm here.
Thank you.
- Will you look after me?
- Of course, I will.
- You're so kind.
You're taking advantage.
- Oh no, no, no,
no, no, I'm not.
(telephone rings)
- Pass me a coffee, please.
(speaks in foreign language)
Yes.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Aren't you lonely anymore?
What are you doing?
- Packing, darling.
- Who was that on the phone?
- Vladek, I'm so happy.
You wants me at 12:15 at
the station, I must hurry.
- I see.
- He missed me, he does love me.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- He has another film for me.
- Crazy.
Hey, hey, you can't leave, you
got to open the Nudist Beach.
- Oh, I must go to
Vladek, darling.
- But the Mayor and all the
councilors are arriving.
Anyway, you left that Vladek
because he made you take
all your clothes off.
- So?
And you?
At least it's not
usually raining
when I take them off for him.
- I don't know what
they're gonna say
if they see you leaving.
- You better smuggle
me out, disguised.
- Yeah, disguised.
I've smuggled them in before,
never smuggled them out.
(dramatic music)
No, no.
That's it.
Oh, no, no.
- No, what?
You still fancy me?
- I've you got your wig on.
Got your wig off.
- Sometimes it's easier
for me to be myself
rather than Francoise Fayol.
- Now, you just
can't go like this.
- Why not darling?
- But who's gonna
open the Nudist Beach?
I mean, the Mayor will be there,
I've written him a speech.
There will be a band,
it's my big day.
- Well, then you open it cherie.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Miss Fayol, I just
wanted to apologize--
- Too late, she's scarpered.
(Judy laughs)
- You look marvelous, you
should have been born blonde.
- Ha-ha, it's not funny.
- No, tragic.
- Yeah, it's tragic, all right.
She's gone but you're
pleased, aren't you?
You were jealous.
- Jealous, me?
- Yes, you.
- I meant what I wrote,
it with a lousy film.
- She was a sensitive artist.
- Sensitive artist?
Just because she had
that oo-la-la accent.
- Yeah, well, that's
not all she had.
- All that obvious sex appeal,
we could all do that
if you wanted to.
- Oh, can we now?
Well, what about a bit
of obvious sex appeal
from little you?
- Don't be so crude.
- Yeah, you're dead right, Judy.
You stick to your books
and your intellectual chat,
I wouldn't wanna see you
make a fool of yourself.
- You're the big expert on
sex appeal now, are you?
You had her eating out of
your hand, you understood her.
That must have been difficult,
like figuring out
the two times table.
Anyway, there's nothing
wrong with my figure.
- Who knows?
Nobody's ever seen it.
(doors knocks)
- Is she ready?
It's nearly time for the strip
and the unveiling ceremony.
I hope the visibility's good.
(piano music)
Where is she?
- She's off.
All that femininity, and the
vivaciousness has escaped us.
- What about the opening
of the Nudist Beach?
Guaranteed to give absolute
detail up to 100 yards.
- Well, you'll just have
to go back to girly mags
for your nature studies.
- Now, now, now, you look,
the Mayor is on his
way to escort her.
- Yeah, there's another
one gonna be very,
very disappointed.
I bet he's got a telescope.
- What's the matter with him?
Doesn't he realize the
Mayor's gonna go mad?
We won't only lose our
jobs, we'll be lynched.
There are thousands
there waiting to ogle.
- Don't blame me, mate.
Blame our university graduate
with her critical integrity.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
- I've got good idea,
look, if you leave now,
you'll just catch her.
She's getting the 12:15 train.
- Oh, come on, Jim.
- Look, you're the ones
with all the brains.
Why don't you try using them?
I am off.
- Jim, Jim boy, Jim, Jim.
We've all had a good laugh.
12:15 train, what
time is it now?
- 12 o'clock.
- 15 minutes.
You're gonna do something?
- Yeah, you pray
I'll sing a hymn.
At least we'll go with dignity.
- That leaves me, doesn't it?
- You'll never
catch it, you know?
- Yes, I will.
I've got an infallible method.
- Really, what?
- Run like mad man.
Oops, it's the Mayor, the Mayor.
What are we gonna do?
- Go this way, go,
go, no, that way!
Hurry up.
- These and the old Liggett
charm, I'll bring her back
if I can run fast enough.
- Just a minute.
- Mademoiselle, may I come in?
(speaks in foreign language)
- I am not ready.
- There's no need to hurry.
We must have you
looking your best today.
(speaks in foreign language)
- I must prepare myself
for the great moment.
- Perhaps I could be
of some assistance.
- No, no (speaks in
foreign language).
Turn your back and count to 10.
Promise no peeping?
- Promise, one, two,
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight,
nine, 10, finished.
- Cherie, could you
please get me my baggage?
- Certainly.
(Judy screams)
(birds chirping)
Are you ready, Francoise?
♪ Pretty little turtle dove ♪
♪ Sitting on a vine ♪
♪ Longing for her ♪
own true love ♪
♪ As I do for mine, for mine ♪
♪ As I do for mine ♪
(soothing music)
- I am ready.
- Shall we go?
I bet you can't wait for the
soft breezes to carress you.
- It's nice day for the concert.
- Lovely.
Where you been?
You're all wet.
- I thought I'd have a
stroll up to the station.
- Want a bit of cake?
Did you bring her back?
- I would have done,
don't you worry,
if they hadn't slammed
the gates in my face.
What are we gonna do now?
- Well, we can
always go to Clacton.
- They'll have heard
of us, don't you worry.
- Wish they'd stop that music.
(instrumental music)
(audience clapping)
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, members of the press,
Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol
will personally inaugrate
the Nudist Beach.
Which will be open from this
day forward all summer long,
for the benefit of those who
wish to answer nature's call.
This is the first beach of
its kind, if I may say so,
in any English seaside resort.
And now, back to nature with
Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol.
- Henry.
- What?
Do us a favor, whip out
and see what's going on.
Go and be me.
Don't get wet.
What do you want?
- Binoculars.
- What you gonna look at?
- F.F.
- Judy!
(Judy sobs)
Judy, what are you doing?
Come out of there.
- I can't, I haven't
got any clothes on.
- What you want to take
your clothes off in front
of all these people for?
I've got a good mind about you.
Put this on.
- Francoise was gone, all
those people were waiting.
I didn't want you
to get in trouble.
- Oh, you little nit, I
don't care about them.
- You don't care about anyone.
- I think you know better
than that, don't you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- You'll catch a death of cold.
Get out of it you morons.
- You all right then?
- We've been for a swim.
- [Mayor] You'll never
work again, any of you.
- What a lovely day.
(instrumental music)
(cool music)
- Jim, Jim, Jim.
Come up here, I've got
something to tell you.
(footsteps approaching)
Don't hurry yourself, will you?
- No.
- Height of the season and
you're flicking stones.
You're missing a better
custom, aren't you?
- Where?
- Back there.
Don't look around.
Don't forget, ride behind,
smile when you take her money.
Now, before she scarpers.
We can't afford to
have them sitting down
for nothing, you know?
- Good morning, my love.
And what do I charge
for parking space?
- I'm sorry about that madam,
he's apt to overstep himself.
- Ha-ha, what a target!
(Jim laughs)
Where you been?
- We all make mistakes.
- Yeah (laughs).
- Don't know what
you're laughing at.
There's one on the
end of the pier.
- End of the pier?
- End of the pier.
- Yeah, I'll drop
you a postcard.
(dramatic music)
- [Henry] Season ticket.
(piano music)
- It's all go dear, ain't it?
- One more.
- Hey, what do you
feed this camel on?
Moth balls?
- Hold it.
If things don't
brighten up soon,
I'm flogging it to a
Chinese restaurant.
- You'll get a good price mate,
it's grown another hump
since it's been down here.
- What this place needs
is as squib up it.
- So does this camel.
(instrumental music)
I don't know why I let you
talk me into coming down here
and get playing nursemaid
a lot of empty deck chairs.
That's right, wipe your feet.
Look, stop going
round and round,
you're making me feel giddy.
You're like some big fat copper
watching me all the time.
You're supposed to be
entertainment officer,
well, so we'll get
your finger out.
- Well, Rome wasn't
built in a day, was it?
- No, and they had a better
place to build it, didn't they?
- By tradition, that flag
should have been down
15 minutes ago.
- Yeah.
- That's not the way to do it.
Here, come here.
Right?
- Yeah.
- Big Monster Carnival tonight?
- Yeah.
Got any spare tickets?
- Oh, I don't know.
You know, they're in big
demand, big attraction.
How many do you want?
- Just Judy and me.
- Only two?
Well, don't be late.
Hey, what am I gonna
do with the flag?
- Give you two guesses.
- 15 minutes late with the flag.
- Good evening, Mr. Mayor, sir.
- Good evening.
Very sparse along here?
- Well, they're all having
dinner just now, sir,
but they'll be out later on
for the Monster Carnival.
Should be a sellout with
your kind of participation.
- I was thinking it's
not fitting for me
to appear this Monster Carnival.
- Oh, but think of
the disappointment.
It's the biggest
event in our calendar.
- It better be for your sake.
- Don't you worry.
- I'm not worried.
- Come along son, does your
mother know you're out?
Wait a minute, let me check.
I think you're a
girl, you are a girl.
What you got there?
- "The Good Book."
- You're telling me
stories, aren't you?
That's an airline timetable.
- Did you know that
I could be in Rome
by this time tomorrow night,
or I could be in New
York by the next day?
- You can't go to New
York just like that.
- I can too, I've always
saved the plane fare home
just in case
anything went wrong.
- Well, you can't go tonight.
We've got to go to Henry's
Monster Gala Carnival.
- Oh, I'm covering it
anyway for The Gazette.
- They give you all the big
assignments, don't they?
- They should, I'm
the only reporter
with international
experience on the paper.
- [Jim] What was Gormleigh's
international correspondent
doing missing her coffee
break this morning?
- Very big deal.
Baby show.
- Bet you won first prize.
You're not thinking
of moving on, are you?
- I don't know, are you?
- Me?
No, I'm here for the
rest of the season.
Why don't you stick around,
you might learn something?
- Maybe.
- Oh, the Carnival's fancy
dress, put on a dress.
Come as a girl.
- Why don't you go
and play in traffic?
(mood music)
- Bit draughty around there boy.
Must be getting
near feeding time.
- Do you mind?
I'm on duty.
- Lovely turn out,
marvelous evening.
- At least there's
room to move, oops!
- You'd never think she was an
intellectual now, would you?
- Things are picking up, there's
still more than last week.
I think they're about
ready for it now.
Okay, Horace, let
the balloons go.
- Ow!
Don't just stand
there, come on, skate.
- No, I don't wanna show you up.
I'll stay with Henry.
He needs my support.
- Is that the time?
- Yeah.
- Oh, fancy dress.
- Mind how you go.
(Henry screams)
There he goes again.
Get a load of Henry.
More, more.
- Will you stop niggling him?
- He doesn't mind,
he's my friend.
- Yeah, well, I bet he's
lost a lot more hair
since you arrived.
- Yeah, we used to call
him curly at school.
lovely little fellow,
a little round face.
- You know, he got
you your job here.
- Look, I could have
got a job anywhere.
Southend, Margate, Ramsgate,
I could have earned much
more than I'm earning now,
and that's a dead cert.
- That really bothers
you, doesn't it?
That he's got such a good job.
- Call that a job?
I call that a living death.
- You can't even stay put,
you move from one
place to another.
- That's flexibility.
- Flexibility?
You're kidding yourself.
- What about you charging
all over the world
working in coffee bars?
- That's different,
I'm a writer.
- You're joking.
- You know, I majored
in psychology at school,
and I probably know a lot
more about your problems
than you do.
- Help me, doctor.
I'm so mixed up.
- A fine attitude to take.
- Lie on the couch
with me, doctor,
and let's discuss our
problems together.
- You're really impossible.
- Give me a kiss.
- Sex rears its ugly head again.
- Sex?
Don't mention that
word, drives me batty.
- You can't be original
about the whole thing.
- Talk to me.
- Ladies and
gentlemen, your judge
for the Monster Gala Carnival
fancy dress competition,
supported by the rest of
the members of his council,
his worship, the Mayor.
(cool music)
(Henry laughs)
- Quite a good turnout, sir.
Two more than last week.
I've got a whole selection
of talent lined up for you.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Eve, snake.
What a discerning choice, sir.
- Many congratulations, my dear.
What an interesting costume?
- Miss Adams is also one
of the town hall employees.
She works in the
accounts department.
- How nice, I must come
and check the figures
myself someday.
- Oh, dear, oh dear (laughs).
(Henry screams)
- You shouldn't go around
dressed up as a girl.
- I thought you'd appreciate it.
- Oh, I do.
- Poor Henry.
- What a fiasco that was.
All that palaver just to fix
up a scrubber for the Mayor.
- What Gormleigh
needs is a few ideas.
In America, we'd really know
how to promote a
place like this.
- Look, all this place
needs is populating.
- Yeah, but how?
- Well, I'm a boy,
you're a girl.
That's a good start.
Let's permutate around
that for a while.
- Now we're back to
sex again, are we?
Give you a deserted beach and
you revert to the obvious.
- Yeah, what's wrong
with the obvious?
- I'll tell you what is
wrong with the obvious,
it's too obvious.
- Come on, look, if you're
going to be a famous writer
you got to live a hit.
Give the... oh!
- Just look at me.
(Jim laughs)
- I can see through
your clothes.
- Well, then don't look.
- If this was a Bridget
Bardot film we'd play
a sexy love scene now.
- Well, she's in St. Tropez.
This is Gormleigh.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Judy.
Judy, I'm sorry, darling.
- You say that once more.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too, I'm also wet.
- Yeah, but I am sorry.
- You've got a marvelous
command of language.
What are you?
A linguist?
- Well, it's only water.
- And so perspective.
- Where's your sense of humor?
- That got wet too.
- Yeah, well, I said I'm
sorry, it was an accident.
- I fall in the water and
all you can talk about
is Bridget Bardot.
- I'm sorry.
- You don't know the
meaning of the word.
- Oh, I don't know.
All this fuss about
falling in the water?
Bardot does it all the
time, what a personality.
Do you know St. Tropez was
nothing before she went there?
What we ought to do is
bring in the Gormleigh.
Now there's a story for you.
- That's ridiculous.
- Anyway, I was forgetting
you couldn't get that printed,
it's too big.
- Oh, now just to
wait one minute.
I can get anything
printed in that paper.
- All right, you do that.
What we want is
Bardot, not Bingo.
- All right, I will.
All you can do is
daydream about sex bombs.
- See you tomorrow
morning, Judy.
(instrumental music)
Hard at it, pop?
- Yeah, we've got it
looking nice for B.B.
- Good morning, good morning.
- I've made you some
coffee, American style.
- Great, great, great.
Sorry I got you wet last night.
- It served me right.
I was nagging you, wasn't I?
- No, how do you
like the flowers?
- You're pretty
sweet, aren't you?
- Well, I don't
know, I don't know.
- I got you some pastries.
- Oh, marvelous.
- I hope you like them.
- Everything's all right then?
- Yeah, friends?
- Yeah.
(Jim laughs)
Well, that's that then.
We face the morning with
a smile on with the radio.
Good morning, Francoise,
you French darling you?
- Who's your friend?
- My favorite female,
Francoise Fayol.
- Oh, she must be
hard up for fans then.
- Jealous, jealous.
- Oh, so it's her
you're mad about?
I thought it was B.B.
- No, it's you I'm mad about.
I'm mad about your mind.
I lay awake at night
thinking about your mind.
- I bet.
- Jim, Jim, you're in the paper.
- Oh!
- I hope you like it.
- How about that?
Jim made the headlines.
Any pictures?
- Of Bridget?
- Oh, no, of me.
Where is it?
- Here, right here.
- Oh, yeah, what's
wrong with Gormleigh?
Last night we interviewed
Mr. James Stevens,
one of the council's new
frontier young executives,
gave his ideas for the summer
campaign to attract visitors.
High on the list was a visit
of the famous French film
star, Bridget Bardot.
Hey, you're talented.
- You made me angry last night.
- Mr. James Stevens,
young frontier executive.
Yeah, I like that.
- You won't when the
Mayor's through with you.
- Why is that?
- You work for the
council, don't you?
- Yeah.
- The Mayor doesn't like
his employees shooting
their mouths off about anything.
- I dare.
- I wouldn't be
surprised if you're not
an ex-council employee by
the time the morning's over.
- Well, I don't care.
I think it's a good idea.
- Come on, he wants to see you.
- I'm sorry, Jim.
- Come on, I've
got another idea.
- It's all my fault.
- It won't work, you know?
- You don't even
know Francoise Fayol.
- Leave it to me, where
Jim goes there's news.
Get up them stairs.
(bright music)
- Your worship, I got him, sir.
He says he's very sorry
and it won't happen again.
- Are you responsible for this?
- Yes, and this
is my press agent.
- Oh, how do you do?
Now, look here man,
my phone hasn't stopped
ringing all morning.
People wanting to know
when Bardot is arriving,
I haven't been able to
get on with any work.
- That must be most
frustrating for you, sir.
- It is my duty to se that
these machines are suitable
for our public.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- I will not have employees
in the council making unauthorized
statements to the press.
It always stirs up trouble
and upsets the smooth running
of Gormleigh's administration.
- Well, that's very good, sir.
You see, Gormleigh is
like these machines.
Who wants to see these?
No, you know what
Gormleigh wants?
Is more of this.
You see, your worship,
if Gormleigh became known
for this sort of thing,
they'd come flocking in
like bees after honey.
- Well, I--
- A beach full of
heavenly bodies.
- Don't be ridiculous
young man, Bridget Bardot--
- Ah!
I see you're a logical
man, your worship,
but there's more than
one pebble on the beach.
This is not B.B, this is F.F.
- F.F?
- Francoise Fayol, the
toast of Le Touquet.
Francoise Fayol in
Pavements of Paris.
Francoise Fayol in
Pavements of Marseilles.
Francoise Fayol in
Pavements of Dieppe.
Not bad?
- How soon can you get her here?
- You just leave that
to me, your worship?
She's just finished making
Pavements of Boulogne
and she's in Le Touquet
for the premiere.
Look at this, to Jim, (speaks
foreign language), Francoise.
You know what that
means, don't you?
- I don't recall
your position in--
- Deck chair attendant, sir.
Just started this season.
- Deck chair attendant?
And you come in here, you
were thinking of inviting
this interesting young lady?
- Well, she'll be coming to
the film festival, of course.
- Film festival?
- Yes, the Gormleigh
Film Festival.
Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
- Film festivals
cost a lot of money.
- I don't think I
can get Francoise
to come without a film festival.
- I think you're wasting
my time young man.
I don't believe you
know Francoise Fayol.
- Know her?
All I have to do is whistle.
- All right, deck chair
attendant, you whistle her up
and we'll have a film festival.
- Have you got that down?
- Naturally.
- I may quote you, of course.
- What?
- The Mayor agrees that
the Gormleigh Film Festival
is to be attended
by Francoise Fayol,
the sex bomb of the new wave.
- It'll run in the next edition.
(telephone rings)
- Excuse me, Mayor's office.
- Excuse me.
- When's who arriving?
- Excuse me, hello.
No, no, no, no, no,
I've been misquoted.
No, no, no, no, not B.B.
No, F.F, Francoise Fayol.
Oh, yes, yes, she's
kindly consented
to open the Gormleigh
Film Festival
James Stevens, a publicity
officer to the film festival.
Yes, yes, yes, you
can quote me, yes.
Bye.
Daily Mirror.
- Good Lord, do you
know what you've done?
- Make it started already,
nationwide publicity.
Don't worry, your worship,
you attend to the details
and I'll supply your star.
- You'd better deliver young
man or you'll never work again,
any of you.
- Good morning.
(trumpet music)
(Guitar music)
- Got the tickets?
- You've got them,
I used to know a bird
like this, all mouth.
Hey, don't lose them.
- Well, I'm not likely to, am I?
- Yes, you are.
- Two days trip to Boulogne.
I've only got 13 and six left.
- Not exactly
Rockefeller, are you?
- It's not exactly the
beginning of the month, is it?
- Oh, stop bickering.
- Why can't he be like me?
Why can't he just say, yes
sir, no sir, I'm sorry, sir,
I won't let it happen again.
Why do you have to be inspired?
- The place is buzzing boy,
your phone's been
ringing all day.
- Yeah, well, that's true.
- What?
Complaints?
- No, they're all excited
about it.
- Well, I feel like
I'm being deported.
- The trouble with you, Henry,
is you don't think
positively enough.
The power up positive
thought is what is needed.
- I've got a positive thought.
- What's that?
- What if F.F doesn't
want to come to Gormleigh?
- What do you think I've got
all this gear on for boy?
She won't be able to resist me?
- Oh, get a load
of prince charming.
- Anyway, she's a film star,
she needs the publicity.
- Yeah, why don't we
just phone her up?
- Leave a light
burning in the window,
don't pine for me love.
- Oh, I think I
can last one day.
- I should go away more often.
- Hurry up, you'll
miss the pier.
♪ Pretty little turtle dove ♪
♪ Sitting on a vine ♪
♪ Longing for her ♪
own true love ♪
♪ As I do now for ♪
mine, for mine ♪
♪ As I do now for mine ♪
♪ Up on the mountain ♪
the other day ♪
♪ A pretty little flower grew ♪
♪ Never did I know ♪
till the other day ♪
♪ What love oh love, ♪
could do, could do ♪
♪ What love oh love could do ♪
♪ If I had a lazy man ♪
♪ I'd scold him sure ♪
as you're born ♪
♪ I'd take him down ♪
to New Orleans ♪
♪ Trade him off for ♪
corn, for corn ♪
♪ And trade him off for corn ♪
♪ But I'm a poor country girl ♪
♪ Money I have none ♪
♪ But there's a ♪
silver in the stars ♪
♪ And gold in the ♪
morning sun, sun ♪
♪ And gold in the morning sun ♪
(speaking in foreign language)
- Le Touquet.
- Le Touquet.
(speaking in foreign language)
- What did he say?
- I don't know.
(Speaking in foreign language)
- Henry, I've found her.
- You what?
- Well, where is she?
- Voila.
Francoise Fayol,
"Rues de Boulogne."
- That's a new film.
- Yeah, bit pale, isn't she?
- Yeah, she wants to get
out in the sun a bit more.
Oh, how do you do?
- Hello, darling.
- There's another
one over there.
- Where?
- Hey, look!
The Martians have landed.
- Oh, no.
- Thousands of them, look.
(both laughing)
(bright music)
- Hey, what a pity
they're not real.
- Yeah, they're like
me, soft and cuddly.
- Hey, look at that
car on the pavemement.
- Maybe they're allowed to drive
on the pavement in France.
- That's ridiculous, ain't it?
- Just a minute.
(car engine revs)
- It's coming for us.
Swine.
- Swine.
Who did that then?
Murderer, swine.
- Who do you think
your trying to kill?
- Who so you think you are?
Hey, you, stop!
Stop!
You nearly killed us.
I thought you were going to--
- Hey, hey!
(car engine revving)
What do you think you're doing?
- What's your game.
(Francoise shouts
in foreign language)
(all shouting)
- That's her, that's
Francoise Fayol.
- Hello, Miss Fayol.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Excuse us, my friend
didn't recognize you
with your clothes on.
- No, I didn't.
- What do you mean,
didn't recognize me
with my clothes on?
- What do you have
to say that for?
- I'm a serious artist.
- Yes, you are, exactly.
- Of course, you are.
(speaks in foreign language)
- My name is Jim Stevens,
I'm in publicity.
Henry Liggett, Henry Liggett,
he's in entertainment.
- Entertainment, yes.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
How can anyone take me seriously
when I'm floating around
the beach full of gas.
- Exactly, now, I have a little
proposition to make to you.
I'm a great admirer
of yours, Miss Fayol.
I'll tell you what we do,
we'll do anything to help you.
We'll knock all
these balloons down,
we'll smash the beach
- Really,
you will really help me?
- Yes, yes.
- Good, come with me.
- Certainly.
What do you want us to do?
- Shhh!
Burn them.
- Have you got any matches?
- Let's go.
- You can hardly
see your way here
with all these dummies around.
- Now will you do it for me?
- What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes or no.
- All right then.
- All right, let's do it.
- Yeah, oops, hang on, oops.
(bright upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
(Vladek speaks in
foreign language)
- May I introduce,
this is Vladek,
my fiance, the famous producer.
(Vladek speaks in
foreign language)
- [Henry] Hello, very
nice to meet you.
- That's the end of your
stupid publicity stunt.
- Are you mad?
These things cost money.
- Well, it's stupid idea.
- Stupid?
This is the best
publicity you've had
for any of your pictures.
- Cheap publicity, cheap.
- Cheap?
You don't realize the money
and my precious time
I've spent on you.
(Francoise speaks
in foreign language)
- You are responsible for this,
I'm going to call the
police, criminals.
- Miss Fayol asked
us to burn them,
anyway, it's
ridiculous publicity.
- She's a serious artist.
- Serious?
Without me she'd
still be modeling.
- Oh, I did it only for
paying my drama studies.
- Drama?
- She's developed since then.
- Yes, she's very
well developed.
That's why I can get
money for her pictures.
- Oh, in your film all I have
to do is take off the clothes.
Why can't you make a picture
where I can act with my mind
instead of my body?
- How I'm going to sell a
picture about your mind, idiot?
(speaks in foreign language)
- Cherie.
- Oh no, you don't
understand me.
- Please, we are going to Rome.
I have a wonderful
story for you.
- Oh, yes, so I have to take
off my clothes in Italian.
- Please.
- Oh, don't start
that all over again.
No, I'm not going to Rome,
I'm not going anywhere.
- All right, do as you like.
- And I don't want to see
you again until you find me
a film worthy of my talent.
- Your talent is worth
nothing without mine.
(shouts in foreign language)
- Don't worry, come to our
place and have a cup of tea.
- All right.
(trumpet music)
- Right gentlemen,
chests out, stomachs in,
do Gormleigh proud.
We want a little more fortissimo
and a little less pianissimo
for our distinguished visitor.
About turn!
- Look, they're
round the other side.
All down, we're coming around.
We're coming around.
- Over there, over there.
- Where are they going?
Come on, come on!
Here we are, Gormleigh.
- Unbelievable.
- May I present,
Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol.
(audience shouting)
- One more.
- Mademoiselle, I
welcome you to Gormleigh.
(Jim speaks in foreign language)
- Yes, yes (speaks
in foreign language).
Nice to have you here.
- So you are a Mayor?
I'm looking forward to
find out all about you.
- Mutual.
- Marvelous reception,
your worship.
- Excuse me.
I will take over now, very
good job, Mr. Liggett.
- Thank you, thank
you very much.
- Not at all, you can
take the second chair.
- What am I gonna
do with this lot?
- I'll give you two guesses.
- Must look after you now
that you're in our hands,
so to speak.
The old people of
Gormleigh have given up
their afternoon spin so
that you may be driven down
the longest piers in
Britain, if not the world.
Forward!
(instrumental music)
It now gives me great
pleasure to present
to you the symbolic key
which makes you a free man
in the town of Gormleigh.
it is also the
key to our hearts.
(speaks in foreign language)
You too.
(audience clapping)
We now invite you to take
the salute at our precession
which is designed to cement
Anglo-French relationships.
Right, let the
precession commence.
- Horace, the first float!
- William the Conqueror
and Harold at the
Battle of Hastings,
England and France get together.
So you see that you're not
the first native of France
to conquer us?
A great French invention,
Madam Le Guillotine.
I did the working
drawings myself.
I'm a bit mechanically bent.
- Oh!
- Fascinating toy.
- Oh, yes.
- The French Arts, all local
talent are selected by myself.
That one minus the
ear is Van Gogh.
He cut it off.
They're a funny lot these
foreigners, I do beg your pardon.
Mr. Shorthouse is
Toulouse Lautrec.
And now a tribute from
the British Legion
to the Foreign Legion.
- Sir, there's been a delay.
Napoleon and Josephine, they're
jammed around the corner.
(audience applausing)
Where's he gone now?
Blimey, he hasn't
seen the other things.
We haven't finished
yet, come back!
- [Mayor] Abandon ship.
- [Announcer] England.
♪ Rule Brittania ♪
- Come on, come on.
♪ Brittania rule the waves ♪
It's all right,
they're coming back.
♪ Britains never, never, ♪
never, shall be slaves ♪
♪ Rule Brittania ♪
♪ Brittania rule the waves ♪
♪ Britains never, never, ♪
never, shall be slaves ♪
(Francoise coughs)
- I might have been drowned.
- Oh, no, you were
all right close to me.
I've a medal for life saving.
- It's all right, sir.
Napoleon and Josephine,
I told them to hang on.
- I swallowed half
of your stupid sea.
- Get a move on.
Come on, don't keep
the Mayor waiting.
- Oh, there, there.
Just a little contretemps.
We'll have you out of these
damp clothes in a minute.
- Oh, I'm cold and shivering.
- Now, now.
- Sir, what about
Napoleon and Josephine?
- Will get the limousine?
- Get me out of here
before I scream.
- We'll soon have you in
the Sarah Bernhardt room.
Just a... see, we'll have
you home and dry in a jiffy.
(rain pouring)
(instrumental music)
- It's just a
passing shower, miss.
Excuse me, oops!
Remember Sir Walter
Raleigh, sir?
- Who?
- Raleigh.
- Yeah, here you are.
- Thank you.
(Francoise screams and
speaks in foreign language)
- If I wanted to, I
could conquer the world.
- It hasn't exactly got
you anywhere, has it?
- Well, I got F.F, didn't I?
- You mean it's got you
back to your deck chairs.
- Henry and the Mayor
couldn't do what I did.
- I suppose you think
you're the one conquer her.
- Well, I have a certain
(speaks in foreign language).
- Oh.
- [Mayor] Stevens!
- [Henry] Jim!
- [Mayor] Stevens!
- Oh, we're being followed.
- Yeah.
- Quick, quick,
come to the hotel.
- What for?
- She's so temperamental.
- Who?
- F.F, I'm afraid she
might do something silly.
If she left now, the publicity.
- Yes, be rather
embarrassing, wouldn't it?
- She became violent.
She threw mud in
his worship's face.
- She says she wants
to speak to you.
- I don't know why.
- Yeah, well, I do.
We have certain
understanding, you know?
- Look, never mind the chairs.
She might be packing now.
- Yeah, or talking to reporters.
- Yeah, look, Stevens,
you go talk to her.
- Well, all right.
As I'm publicity officer for
the rest of the festival.
- Right.
- With unlimited powers
to carry out the publicity
the way that I want to.
- Right.
- I ought to see what I can do.
- Right.
- Yeah, well, I will just
get these chairs away.
- Hey, hey, never
mind the chairs.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah, we'll do 'em.
- No, you'll do 'em.
- Hello.
- [Jim] Festival
publicity officer here.
- Oh, Jim, it's you.
- [Jim] Yeah, it's me.
I bet you didn't miss me,
I bet there's
somebody else already.
- Never.
- [Jim] Yeah?
- Well, actually,
there is somebody else.
- Who is that?
I'll do him.
- [Francoise] His worship,
the Mayor, of course.
- It's about time somebody put
him in his place, the old--
- Goat.
- [Jim] Yeah.
- A pompous old goat.
- [Jim] That's the word
we're searching for.
Look, look, it's about
time he was brought down
a peg or two.
Will you help me?
- Oh, it will be a pleasure.
- I've got great idea for
a little publicity party
on the beach tomorrow.
Can I come up and discuss
it with you privately?
I'm coming, I'm
outside your door.
(Francoise laughs)
(door knocks)
(mood music)
Good morning, good morning,
good morning, good morning.
Still churning it out, I see.
- What does it look like?
- All good stuff, nothing
too near the knuckle.
- I'm writing a novel, not a
bedtime story for children.
Hope you enjoyed
yourself last night.
- What, with Francoise?
Well, I had to spend
the whole evening
persuading her to stay.
I had to use all my charm.
- Ooh, what a schmoo.
- Jim.
- Excuse me, duty calls.
See you later.
(speaks foreign
language) one and all,
and a (speaks in
foreign language) it is.
There it is.
That's the shot that we
want, pier in the background.
The Mayor and civic dignitaries
join Francoise Fayol
in the delights of Gormleigh.
Right, gentlemen.
Shoes and socks off.
Paddling.
- Oh, I hardly think.
- I thought we decided
to create a new gay carefree
image for Gormleigh.
- Yes.
- Well, the publicity
officer strongly advises you
to take off your shoes and socks
and show him your
itsy pink tootsies.
- I don't think--
- You will take off your
shoes and stockings,
and I will too.
(councilors groaning)
- Come on, tootsies in
the briny, Mr Liggett.
- Tootsies in the briny,
I'll give you
tootsies in the briny.
- Yeah, boys, get
ready to take one
of the greatest
picture of the year.
Smile, gentlemen, you're
doing this for Gormleigh.
(camera shutters)
- Oh, Jim, you great fool.
We are all soaked.
- We've got some
marvelous pictures.
- I'm very pleased,
perhaps I may now return
to more prosaic duties.
- But darling, I haven't
christened my new bathing costume.
It would be so nice,
would it not Mr. Stevens?
If you had some photos in
bathing costumes, all of us.
I'm dying to try it on.
- Well, if it's going
to help the new image.
- Oh, it would, it would,
it would, Mr. Mayor.
What a marvelous idea?
Everybody into bathing costumes.
- Oh goody, goody.
- I will be out of
this dress in a second.
- First places,
please gentlemen.
Grace and movement, on
the ball, fairy dancing.
Ready, steady, go.
There we are, gentlemen.
Frolic like little lambs.
Right boys, immortalize that.
(Jim yawns)
(speaks in foreign language)
Thanks, fellows.
Fabulous!
See you at the film festival.
See you later, Judy.
That went great darling,
and you were marvelous.
Hey, we've got some
fabulous pictures.
The Mayor will never
live this down.
Blimey, I bet labor gets in.
What's needling you?
- Nothing.
Looks as though you've
find your vocation at last.
- What?
- Organizing pin-ups instead
of just drooling over them.
- Well, it's progress, isn't it?
- Progress?
By promoting the
Gormleigh Film Festival
with those idiotic films?
- They're all art
films, especially hers.
- Art, with a
capital T you mean.
- You don't seem very happy
in Gormleigh these days.
- I've liked it here,
but I think I'll be leaving
after the film festival.
- Yeah, well, I expect I
should be moving on myself.
Things are opening up,
I might become Francoise
publicity manager.
- At least one of
us will be happy.
- Well, I've got to
settle down some time,
you wouldn't want me to stack
deck chairs all my life,
would you?
- No.
- On the other hand, I might
become a big time publisher.
Promote your book, you
can give me a kiss.
(instrumental music)
- Good evening,
once upon a time,
Gormleigh was an average
sort of seaside resort,
where the landladies
locked up the jam
at five o'clock prompt and
there was very little left
to do except carve your
initials on the bus shelters.
But this week Gormleigh started
his first film festival,
and in the best traditions
of film festivals everywhere,
is managing to combine
art with business.
- One more love.
That squimp of yours certainly
livened this place up,
didn't she Jimmy?
- At film festival,
it's axiomatic
that if you can get a film
star to sit on a camel,
the rest of the world will pay
you to let them do the same.
(Jim laughs)
- Get in there boy.
- The publicity men,
who are the chaps who
run film festivals,
think that an event is
cultural if it's foreign,
and even more cultural if it's
wearing a bathing costume.
(trumpet music)
Someone's been feeding them
meat, probably Mr. Jim Stevens,
the publicity man.
The case of champagne and a
few girls and he's managed
to release the
pleasure-loving spirit
which must have been
seething for years
beneath the
Gormleighian blanket.
The Mayors of Bridgemouth
and Westbourne
are here in the
capacity of observers.
- We've been invited to be
made to feel uncomfortable.
- I agree, no self-respecting
holiday maker could relax
in this un-English atmosphere.
- But you've got to
admit it really was
rather crafty Gormleigh
to think of such a thing,
aren't you just a teeny
weeny bit envious?
- It's just a dirty trick
to take our holiday
makers away by--
- By unfair means.
- Yes, precisely.
- Our business in
Westbourne has been ruined.
- But you could start
your own can-can show.
You could even build
your own casino.
- We won't ask our ratepayers
to subsidize anything
so un-English.
We'd rather tighten our belts
and stand by our traditions.
- Excuse me, (speaks
in foreign language).
- Disgusting.
- So, as far as
you're concerned,
no subsidies for the arts then?
- Not for anything
so un-English.
We shan't take this
lying down, oh no.
- We'll show them
what we think of them.
- Who knows where it'll all end?
Apache dancing in
the Floral Hall,
Absinthe in the
ice cream parlors.
(classic music)
Tomorrow, Miss Francoise
Fayol is to officiate
at the opening of
a Nudist Beach,
a novel enterprise
which all well-wishers
are hoping won't
frighten the horses.
She's also the hot favorite,
at least with the Mayor,
the Golden Cockle, which is
the Award for the best actress.
Tonight is the last
night of the festival
and Miss Fayol is
indisputably the star.
Miss Francoise Fayol.
- Mr. Robert Robinson.
- It takes real
courage to set foot
in English seaside resort
at the height of
the holiday season.
What profit do you
think you've had
from this intrepid expedition?
- I've got to know
the English people
and so I hope, deepened
my understanding of life.
- Oh, bravo.
Well, I dare say you found
the publicity rather tedious.
- But I'm an actress.
- News of the World,
very important newspaper.
- What a troupor you
are, but this insight
into the English character
that Gormleigh's given you,
what are you gonna do with it?
- I would like to
use it in my work.
- Season of the
classics possibly?
- Why not?
Shakespeare J'adore.
- This is good news.
- Excuse me darling,
darling, the reception.
If you want any more
details, Jim Stevens,
publicity officer.
Excuse me, make way
for Mademoiselle Fayol.
- Jim, please, let me through.
- Make way for
Mademoiselle Fayol.
Make way for Mademoiselle Fayol.
- Jim.
- Judy.
- Jim, Jim.
- Mademoiselle Fayol will
sign autographs afterwards.
Yes, afterwards.
- Jim, I'm here.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
After the show everybody,
after the show.
Excuse me.
- As I said earlier,
at film festivals,
they sometimes
actually show films.
- Here we are, the best
seats in the house.
- Thank you, you're
very gallante.
- Well, if I had my way,
we'd be on the back row.
- Really?
Why, are you long-sighted?
- Quite a little
coquette, aren't you?
Certificate X, oh, I
do like an adult film.
"Rue de Boulogne."
(French music)
- I can't bear watch it.
I feel so strange when I
see myself on the screen.
- Do you?
Would you like to go outside
for a little refreshment?
- Yes, forgive me
but I'm so nervous.
- There's nothing
to be nervous about.
I'm going to do my very best
to see that you receive
that Golden Cockle.
- Ready?
(gramophone music)
- Any minute now.
- Get all this filthy
rubbish off of here.
You don't want to
watch this stuff.
(audience shouting)
- A cup of cheer?
- I hope they like my film.
I hate to make these
kind of pictures.
- I'm sure it's most artistic.
- Artistic?
Do you know what I have
to do in this film?
- No.
- Some stupid man
comes to kill me.
- Oh, dear!
- I'm not afraid, I
put my arms about him.
- You do?
- Yes, and what he does?
- What?
- He pushes me away.
- I fall on the bed and he--
- Yes?
- Scares me with a
big, how do you say--
- Chopper?
- Knife.
I put on the gramophone and I
start to take off the clothes.
- All of them?
- Well, pullover and the
skirt and, how do I call this?
- Brasserie?
- Oh.
- Then what do you do?
- But it's all so stupid.
- Yes, well what?
- Because I'm a serious artist.
- What did he do?
(champagne pops)
- Oh, careful.
- It doesn't matter,
it doesn't matter.
Mademoiselle Francoise.
- Mr. Mayor.
- Call me Arnold.
- Arnold.
What is this?
- The Golden Cockle,
take it, it's yours.
- Arnold, you're so sweet.
Let me give you a kiss.
(crowd shouting)
- I like a festival
with a bit of life in it
and I don't think on that
score that the sourest critic
could complain about Gormleigh.
These boys really worry
about cinema, good night.
(crowd shouts and screams)
- And as for Mademoiselle
Francoise Fayol,
the actress who starred
in this atrocious film,
nature may have endowed her
amply enough to start a riot,
but anyone who
expected more of her
than a skillful
strip-tease is going
to be very disappointed.
(door knocks)
- Who is it?
- Hello, it's me.
- Come in, Jim.
- Sleeping late I see.
Sorry about the notice.
- When I'm unhappy, I
can't get out of bed.
I just want to bury myself.
- It's only Judy, she's jealous.
- Jealous?
- You and me.
- Oh, you don't want me?
Nobody wants me.
- Oh, no, there, there.
Come on, don't cry.
- I am so miserable, so lonely.
- Well, I'm here.
- Pass me a roll please.
So awful, like a circus.
And I'm like a funny animal
they are all looking at.
- Butter?
- Yes, please.
And I'm all alone in
this strange place,
no one to look after me.
- But I'm here.
Thank you.
- Will you look after me?
- Of course, I will.
- You're so kind.
You're taking advantage.
- Oh no, no, no,
no, no, I'm not.
(telephone rings)
- Pass me a coffee, please.
(speaks in foreign language)
Yes.
(speaking in foreign language)
- Aren't you lonely anymore?
What are you doing?
- Packing, darling.
- Who was that on the phone?
- Vladek, I'm so happy.
You wants me at 12:15 at
the station, I must hurry.
- I see.
- He missed me, he does love me.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
- He has another film for me.
- Crazy.
Hey, hey, you can't leave, you
got to open the Nudist Beach.
- Oh, I must go to
Vladek, darling.
- But the Mayor and all the
councilors are arriving.
Anyway, you left that Vladek
because he made you take
all your clothes off.
- So?
And you?
At least it's not
usually raining
when I take them off for him.
- I don't know what
they're gonna say
if they see you leaving.
- You better smuggle
me out, disguised.
- Yeah, disguised.
I've smuggled them in before,
never smuggled them out.
(dramatic music)
No, no.
That's it.
Oh, no, no.
- No, what?
You still fancy me?
- I've you got your wig on.
Got your wig off.
- Sometimes it's easier
for me to be myself
rather than Francoise Fayol.
- Now, you just
can't go like this.
- Why not darling?
- But who's gonna
open the Nudist Beach?
I mean, the Mayor will be there,
I've written him a speech.
There will be a band,
it's my big day.
- Well, then you open it cherie.
(speaks in foreign language)
- Miss Fayol, I just
wanted to apologize--
- Too late, she's scarpered.
(Judy laughs)
- You look marvelous, you
should have been born blonde.
- Ha-ha, it's not funny.
- No, tragic.
- Yeah, it's tragic, all right.
She's gone but you're
pleased, aren't you?
You were jealous.
- Jealous, me?
- Yes, you.
- I meant what I wrote,
it with a lousy film.
- She was a sensitive artist.
- Sensitive artist?
Just because she had
that oo-la-la accent.
- Yeah, well, that's
not all she had.
- All that obvious sex appeal,
we could all do that
if you wanted to.
- Oh, can we now?
Well, what about a bit
of obvious sex appeal
from little you?
- Don't be so crude.
- Yeah, you're dead right, Judy.
You stick to your books
and your intellectual chat,
I wouldn't wanna see you
make a fool of yourself.
- You're the big expert on
sex appeal now, are you?
You had her eating out of
your hand, you understood her.
That must have been difficult,
like figuring out
the two times table.
Anyway, there's nothing
wrong with my figure.
- Who knows?
Nobody's ever seen it.
(doors knocks)
- Is she ready?
It's nearly time for the strip
and the unveiling ceremony.
I hope the visibility's good.
(piano music)
Where is she?
- She's off.
All that femininity, and the
vivaciousness has escaped us.
- What about the opening
of the Nudist Beach?
Guaranteed to give absolute
detail up to 100 yards.
- Well, you'll just have
to go back to girly mags
for your nature studies.
- Now, now, now, you look,
the Mayor is on his
way to escort her.
- Yeah, there's another
one gonna be very,
very disappointed.
I bet he's got a telescope.
- What's the matter with him?
Doesn't he realize the
Mayor's gonna go mad?
We won't only lose our
jobs, we'll be lynched.
There are thousands
there waiting to ogle.
- Don't blame me, mate.
Blame our university graduate
with her critical integrity.
- Well, what are we gonna do?
- I've got good idea,
look, if you leave now,
you'll just catch her.
She's getting the 12:15 train.
- Oh, come on, Jim.
- Look, you're the ones
with all the brains.
Why don't you try using them?
I am off.
- Jim, Jim boy, Jim, Jim.
We've all had a good laugh.
12:15 train, what
time is it now?
- 12 o'clock.
- 15 minutes.
You're gonna do something?
- Yeah, you pray
I'll sing a hymn.
At least we'll go with dignity.
- That leaves me, doesn't it?
- You'll never
catch it, you know?
- Yes, I will.
I've got an infallible method.
- Really, what?
- Run like mad man.
Oops, it's the Mayor, the Mayor.
What are we gonna do?
- Go this way, go,
go, no, that way!
Hurry up.
- These and the old Liggett
charm, I'll bring her back
if I can run fast enough.
- Just a minute.
- Mademoiselle, may I come in?
(speaks in foreign language)
- I am not ready.
- There's no need to hurry.
We must have you
looking your best today.
(speaks in foreign language)
- I must prepare myself
for the great moment.
- Perhaps I could be
of some assistance.
- No, no (speaks in
foreign language).
Turn your back and count to 10.
Promise no peeping?
- Promise, one, two,
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight,
nine, 10, finished.
- Cherie, could you
please get me my baggage?
- Certainly.
(Judy screams)
(birds chirping)
Are you ready, Francoise?
♪ Pretty little turtle dove ♪
♪ Sitting on a vine ♪
♪ Longing for her ♪
own true love ♪
♪ As I do for mine, for mine ♪
♪ As I do for mine ♪
(soothing music)
- I am ready.
- Shall we go?
I bet you can't wait for the
soft breezes to carress you.
- It's nice day for the concert.
- Lovely.
Where you been?
You're all wet.
- I thought I'd have a
stroll up to the station.
- Want a bit of cake?
Did you bring her back?
- I would have done,
don't you worry,
if they hadn't slammed
the gates in my face.
What are we gonna do now?
- Well, we can
always go to Clacton.
- They'll have heard
of us, don't you worry.
- Wish they'd stop that music.
(instrumental music)
(audience clapping)
- And now, ladies and
gentlemen, members of the press,
Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol
will personally inaugrate
the Nudist Beach.
Which will be open from this
day forward all summer long,
for the benefit of those who
wish to answer nature's call.
This is the first beach of
its kind, if I may say so,
in any English seaside resort.
And now, back to nature with
Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol.
- Henry.
- What?
Do us a favor, whip out
and see what's going on.
Go and be me.
Don't get wet.
What do you want?
- Binoculars.
- What you gonna look at?
- F.F.
- Judy!
(Judy sobs)
Judy, what are you doing?
Come out of there.
- I can't, I haven't
got any clothes on.
- What you want to take
your clothes off in front
of all these people for?
I've got a good mind about you.
Put this on.
- Francoise was gone, all
those people were waiting.
I didn't want you
to get in trouble.
- Oh, you little nit, I
don't care about them.
- You don't care about anyone.
- I think you know better
than that, don't you?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- You'll catch a death of cold.
Get out of it you morons.
- You all right then?
- We've been for a swim.
- [Mayor] You'll never
work again, any of you.
- What a lovely day.
(instrumental music)
(cool music)